Stories from Encircle Vol.1 (Teaser)

An LGBTQ+ Family & Youth Resource Center

Stories from Encircle

Copyright © 2019 by Encircle All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations.

Encircle 91 W 200 S Provo UT 84601 www.encircletogether.org Ordering Information: Quantity sales. Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details contact us at www.EncircleTogether.org Thanks to our editors: Morgan Davis, Ph.D and Jordan Sgro.

Thanks to our illustrator: Ingrid Rawle

We see you. We love you.

Table of Contents A Forward 2 Note from the Illustrator 4 A Poem That Changed Me Forever 6 A Little Empathy 8 Acceptance, Kindness, Non-judgment and Love 10 Home 14 The Need to Change 18 Doing Better 22 It Takes Time 24 Be Brave 28 Tell them, “It ain’t easy!”

32 Hope for Healing and a Future 36 Brandt Was Still Brandt 40 My Authorized Biography 44 Understanding Others 48 They Know What’s Best For Them 52 Circle Of Love 56 I Choose to Love 60 Vanilla with Rainbow Sprinkles 64 Friendship Trophy 68 To Fellow Explorers 72 Sharing Love 76 Preventing Suicide 84 Open Mind, Open Heart 88 Ask, Listen, Understand 92 The Light of God’s Love 96 Choose Love 100 Believe Them 104 Step by Step 108 We Are Stronger Together 110 Listen and Love 114 Trust 116 Visualizing a Bright Future 120 Seeing Through Multiple Lenses 124 Together You Find Your Way 128 Grace 132 Beyond the Impasse 138 Communicating With Love 142 Learning With Love and Trust 144 From a Burden to a Blessing 148 Connection 152 My Story 154 Stop and Smell the Roses 158 Validation 162 It’s Biology 166 What Matters Most 170

Authentic Connection 174 11:11 P.M. 178 Love is a Verb 182 Ask Sincere Questions and Be Willing to Hear Sincere Answers 188 The Response Was Love 190 Living by the Golden Rule 192 The Strength to Overcome Fear 194 Challenges in Mixed Orientation Marriages 198 Love Unconditionally 202 My Sweet Child 206 What’s On My Mind 210 For Those Who Seek to Love 212 The Loving Part 214 Skinned Knees 218 Living Free 224 I Am Jacob’s Mom 228 A Soft Place to Land 232 To Live, Not Just Survive 236 The Power of Family Love 238 Let Go, and Love 242 Experience Love and Joy 246 Back to Each Other 250 Learning to Trust My Heart 252 The Best First Step: Unconditonal Love and Acceptance 256 My Heart Grows Bigger 260 How We Rise 264 Beyond Tolerance, to Love 268 A Safe Place at Home 270 Why Do I Tell Stories?

274 Listen. Let go. Love.

278 A Note to Those Whose Children Have Not - and May Not - Come Out 282 Showing Up 284 Three Steps to Unconditional Love 288 My Family Does Their Job Well 292 Coming Straight-Out Gay 296 Three Things 298 Journey to Empathy 302 Sharing the Burden 306 You Will Find Your Way 308 Learning to Speak a New Language 312 A Paradigm Shift 316 What Do You Expect When You Weren’t Expecting Homosexuality 320 It’s Your Journey, Too 324 Only Love & Loyalty 328 Forever Family First 332 Twice Blessed 334 Softening Hearts 338

A Forward

by Stephenie Larsen

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I have witnessed first-hand the longing that parents have to do what is best for their LGBTQ+ child. But they are often at a loss of what that looks like, of how to best love and support their loved one. Not knowing can be daunting and feel lonely. But others have gone before you on this journey. You do not have to go it alone.

Love is supporting one another on our journeys and loving every person for who they are. That, I believe, enables each LGBTQ+ person to thrive and progress as individuals. As we work at seeing our LGBTQ+ youth as valued members of our families and community, we will discover their irreplaceable talents and special gifts. Then their uniqueness they bring to the world will be honored. If we are able to truly see these young people for the incredible individuals that they are, no child will ever have to feel shame for their sexuality or gender identity.

I hope that this book, written for you—the parents, family members, and friends of LGBTQ+ young people—will help you in your journey of figuring out how to fully embrace and support your loved ones. We have compiled stories and insights from others—mothers and fathers, allies, LGBTQ+ individuals, etc.—who want to share with you, to help you along as you discover how to be more supportive and more affirming.

I hope that even if just one chapter or individual message of this book gives you, as a parent, an idea where you can better understand or love your child, then it is worth all of the work. I am optimistic this book will provide you with both insights and tools to better love and embrace ALL of your family members.

No Sides, Only Love.

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Note from the Illustrator

by Ingrid Rawle

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It is my hope that I could do three things with my illustrations: First, to represent the LGBTQ+ community in all its beauty and diversity. Second, to illustrate the many different ways we can find belonging and feel connected, whether that connection be to others, ourselves, or nature.

Third, to depict these things in a way that their simplicity mimics the power of love unfeigned.

I believe that by establishing healthy connections, where acceptance is practiced, our communities and families will become strengthened and we can obtain a sense of belonging where we feel safe to connect with who we really are. As individuals we are strong, and we can be even stronger when we are together.

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1 A Poem That Changed Me Forever

by David Hardy

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As a teenager growing up in Washington, D.C. during the turbulent late ‘60s and early ‘70s, I was introduced to a poem that became a touchstone for me. It helped me weather the normal challenges of self-discovery and finding my way during my high school and college years, but became far more important to me as I grew up, became a husband and father, and encountered the completely unlooked-for sea changes that two or three times rocked my personal world. One of those times was when my then thirteen-year-old son came to me in tears and told me he was scared because he was only attracted to images of men (the same week I was called to serve as the bishop of a large young adult congregation in the Mormon Church). In the midst of those life-altering experiences, I will admit to struggling with all I had against the inexorable flow that seemed to be hurtling me, unasked, down an unknown fork of a dark river to I-didn’t-know-where, and it sometimes took me a painful while to remember these lines from Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata: You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Google it and read the whole thing sometime.

Soon. It is the same message I would tell your gay child—that I told my own gay child after I stopped struggling to swim back upstream and saw the incredible gift I had been given. They are normal, regular, kids—perfect just as they are; just as you are a normal, regular, parent—having the experiences that will bless your life and shape you in ways you never imagined. I know it’s not what you planned.

It’s better. Trust God, trust the universe—just trust.

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2 A Little Empathy

by Nathan Dalley

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I have always known that my family members are the people that love me the most, yet they have also been the people that have hurt my feelings the most.

My family and I have had many disagreements but that has never negated the love that we have for one another. I love my family more than anything on this planet but it is often hard for me to express my love for them. It has been during the times of highest tension that I have taken a step back and put myself in their position. By doing so, I have been able to better understand my family and find ways to show I love them despite my disagreement with them. It doesn’t matter if I fully understand them for doing as they do or if we agree with what action is morally correct.

Through these moments of empathy, I have learned that the thing that matters is our love for one another. The best way I have found to love my family is by supporting them. If you want to support your LGBT family member, tell them that you love them but don’t stop there. Ask them who they are dating, call them by the name and pronouns they have asked to be addressed by, stand up for them when others talk badly about them.

Most of all make sure to talk to them, allow them to express themselves in the way that they need to.

It isn’t about agreeing with their reasons for wanting those things, it’s not about being right. It is about showing them that you love them. I only speak for myself when I say this, however, I know that when others, especially my family members, have done those things for me, I have felt like I matter. I have felt supported.

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3 Acceptance, Kindness, Non-judgment and Love

by Gary Larsen M.D.

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Back in the 1970s, it was a different world as far as LGBT issues were concerned. Having just finished medical school, you would think I would have had a better understanding of sexual orientation. But, even in medical school, the debate was just heating up as to whether sexual orientation was a learned behavior and even a mental illness, or a behavior that was biological and something you had no control over. This controversy made it awkward to talk about these issues with my brotherin-law, John Williams, who was having issues with same sex attraction.

I now recognize that it must have been terribly difficult for him. John grew up in a Mormon family and served a mission in England. Being gay in a conservative, religious community must have been very frustrating to him. Looking back, how much better it would have been to be able to discuss this subject with him in an open and honest fashion.

In the late 1970s, the American Psychological Association began to take a strong stance that “Same Sex Attraction” was not a learned behavior or a mental illness. The medical world began to understand that this is the way you come and that it was something that an LGBT person had no control over. Not only was it considered to not be a choice, but also emotionally an extremely difficult condition to find yourself in. With this enlightened understanding of this condition, it then becomes obvious that these folks especially need acceptance and non-judgmental love and kindness. I think the one thing we were able to do correctly with my brother-in-law was to reach out and demonstrate total acceptance and love to him.

The fact that John was such a generously kind person obviously made this action much easier. But the fact that we were totally accepting and non-judgmental made this a great relationship.

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I have gained a great deal of understanding of the difficulty of being gay in today’s world. It is easier today than 40 years ago, but it is still extremely difficult. These folks often feel like they don’t fit in, like they are odd or abnormal. It is obvious that it is not something they would choose. They need a lot of kindness, acceptance, reassurance and love.

They need extra, not less. It is up to relatives and friends to step up and provide this love and support. If it is not there, then they will go through a great deal of pain and suffering with all kinds of emotional problems.

On the good side, when you look back over the progress that has been made over the last forty years in understanding and dealing with samesex attraction, you realize that the next forty years are going to bring some wonderful changes. We need to be ahead of the curve and not behind.

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