Father Figures learning journey booklet (2022) by Huddlecraft

Father Figures Exploring 21st century Fatherhood

October 2021 – May 2022

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

Introduction Father Figures was a learning journey exploring 21st century Fatherhood, taking place from October 2021 to May 2022. This booklet is a collection of contributions from the ten men who took part. There’s no way it could capture the richness of the journey and our learnings… but it will hopefully give you a flavour! Why fatherhood? We all had our own reasons for exploring our relationship to this theme, but at a more collective, cultural level this can be situated within a wider arena of what is sometimes referred to as ‘men’s work’. We share a belief in the need for a version of masculinity which integrates and responds to feminist insights, critiques and demands - and as such this is a project which has benefited from the active encouragement and consultation of many amazing women (see resources and thankyou page at the back!).

fathers’ after all - so fathers and father figures will presumably play a crucial role in helping to dismantle it. What is a model of fatherhood and mature masculinity not defined by ‘power over’ women, children and other men? One thing we’re definitely not doing here however is trying to get props for changing a few nappies and pushing prams round parks! As someone memorably put it; ‘what is a dad other than a shit mum?’. Good question…

We want to go beyond a mere rejection of whatever is ‘toxic’ in the masculinity we have inherited however, and present a more positive vision. A primary part of this task is the simple act of men developing the capacity for emotional presence and vulnerability with each other as well as with our loved ones - unpicking what bell hooks called ‘the psychic self-mutilation’ that is demanded of men as the ‘first act of patriarchy’.

The design of the journey followed the ‘Learning Marathon’ model of peer-led learning developed by Enrol Yourself (now Huddlecraft), who trained and supported participant and ‘Host’ Sam throughout the planning and facilitation of the project. Each participant chose a ‘Learning Question’ to explore over the duration of the project – some of which changed entirely, some of which evolved and some of which remained the same. These questions were explored both individually and collectively with the support of the group.

Our relationship as men to fatherhood is another key piece of the puzzle; one of the pivotal ways we can show up in the world as men is how we show up as responsible, loving care givers and healthy masculine role models to the next generation. The literal meaning of ‘patriarchy’ is ‘rule of

Following a launch weekend, the group met fortnightly online, each taking it in turns to facilitate sessions based on our respective interests and skills, the theme of fatherhood and the needs of the group. These ranged from creative explorations including clay sculpture, collage, comedy and filmmaking,

to grief tending, process work and wideranging discussions on everything from masculinity and play, to storytelling. We also met with ‘buddies’ from the group in between these sessions, to check in on our progress and support each other along the way.

ourselves as ‘Father Figures’. We continued to use sea-faring metaphors, language and imagery throughout the project. It has certainly felt like a bold voyage in some often very choppy waters at times, but we couldn’t have asked for better shipmates! Chris and his partner Claudia tragically lost their son Leo when he was stillborn half-way through the project. It Is a huge testament to Chris and his immense openhearted courage that he leant in, and chose to continue on this journey with us as the fellow Father Figure he is. This booklet is dedicated to Leo.

The journey was separated into three periods: Explore, Deepen and Share. To mark the transitions we held day-long Check Points, the first one online and the second one in person in Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park, where we shared our progress. The final Share phase culminated in ‘Father Figures Assemble!’ a public showcase of the project at Coram’s Fields, London.

Tiff, Ehireme, Mark, Durbs, Sam, Jamie, Lorne, Chris, Russ and Dave Father Figures April 2022

We are living through chaotic and challenging times, and many of the participants also encountered difficult personal circumstances as fathers and humans along the way. At the launch weekend for the project the image of a ‘coracle’ boat emerged as a symbol for the container we were assembling, just as we assemble and re-assemble our sense of

Image by Stuart Taylor

Father Figures

Durbs

Learning Question I came with -

‘How do I best raise future men? ‘ What makes a man

searching for land, it has stayed as wide and overwhelming as the open ocean. My question has evolved while covering and mulling over topics including: the change in expectations of the male role over generations, the male role in modern western societies, toxic masculinity, opposition identity, the multiple forms of masculinity and male role models. Whilst considering these topics I have hoped to gain an understanding of how to better equip my three boys to engage with their masculinity.

How to describe the last 6 months of this journey as it nears it end? I think the cover of this booklet says it all! This has been a voyage through the high seas of fatherhood. We have encountered calm and beautiful sailing waters that sparkled with wonder and opened the mind to new possibilities; and raging storms with our boat taking on water in uncharted seas. As we sail into port, I’m feeling the satisfaction of coming to the end of a great expedition, ready to recover and reflect on the knowledge gained on the way.

I posed three questions to this amazing motley-learning marathon-crew; hoping that their answers would support me to dive deeper into these topics

My learning question has come into focus over this voyage. However, like the view from the crow’s nest whilst

1. Tell me about male and female role models from your life. How did they

influence you? Why were they a role model?

place, and as I’ve learnt with this group on this journey it will most likely involve having to grieve properly for some time before we can move on.

2. What did you learn from your father about masculinity (positives and negatives)? 3. How do you currently relate to your maleness/masculinity?

3.How important role models and especially male role models are throughout our lives; how much these key personalities form our own view on masculinity and then ultimately how we identify with it. What seems evident is that we need to ensure young males have access to a varied section of people who cover the full spectrum of masculinity in its many forms, so they can Identify with someone that can help guide them in their masculine engagement. With this in mind and informed by the great experience of the support from this group ‘Dads in woods’ was born! Sam and I have started facilitating a group in Sheffield for Dad’s and their kids to meet at.

The responses to these questions really did shape the second half of this voyage of contemplation and helped me focus on my goals for the project.. So how do I neatly sum up where I ended up on my learning question treasure hunt? Three main learnings stick out firmly in my mind:. 1.How men and society need to break away from the opposition identity around masculinity; , the starting point must move away from how we don’t want men to act and be, not to start by calling out toxic masculinity traits. We must move to much more positive and defined characteristics that can be seen as an intrinsic and integral part of the masculine form and that can be owned by males. From the answers I received for the above questions the three important characteristics that came up again and again: Caring, Open/Vulnerable and Honest/Genuine. What a fantastic starting place that would be!

Finally, as the ship hits the beach, a sincere heartfelt thanks to my fellow travellers for all the sharing, openness, laughs and your sheer awesomeness! You are my role models and I have learnt something from each of you. Captain Sam, I have marvelled at how you have kept this motley crew on board without the coracle sinking, you are a tower of strength and calmness. Although throughout this piece I have talked about this as the end of the journey, the one thing I know for certain, is this is just the beginning…

2.How much the cycle of generational trauma and generational traits must be broken and healed to allow a more rounded and fuller form of masculinity to flourish. This can be extremely personal to a father, a person, or a family, but it needs addressing for true progression to take

Learning Question I am leaving with -

‘How do I better equip my boys to engage with their masculinity?’ 9

Russ

My Learning Question -

‘How do I maintain a long-distance relationship with my kids?’ When I started this journey, this was not my opening question. I can’t remember what that was which is why it’s no longer my opening question. But along the route, I realised this was the question I wanted to explore: How do I maintain a long-distance relationship with my kids? Now near the end of my journey, I still haven’t got an answer. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a worthwhile question. It gave me the chance to really think about how I could give the best to my kids while not being there. When I first thought about having kids the one thing I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t an absent father. I wanted to be there every step of the way. I never wanted to miss anything. I remember watching movies in which the kid always complains that their dads are never there for them, or

put work ahead of their relationship, or died in an accident no one can explain. I always said I would never do that to my kids and if I did die mysteriously I would have a letter explaining how. It never pans out the way you plan though and here I am being the very thing I never wanted to be, and even worse my kids live in another country so I can’t even visit them every weekend. Thanks to today’s technology, I can communicate with my kids anytime. That was a vital tool during the covid lockdowns and because everyone was doing it it didn’t seem so out of place. However, it’s not the same as being there. In-person. I feel a lot is missing and I can’t really pinpoint what that is. I made little promises to myself. I would

never miss their birthday and try to be there for all their important days until you realise every day is important. I made sure they know they can speak to me whenever they want and they will always be there if they need me. I do everything I’m supposed to to make them feel loved and valued but it still feels like something is missing. I don’t want to feel like I failed as their father and right now honestly, I can’t say that I haven’t. There’s is this whole self-deprecation addiction I have that immediately gears towards the negative and I’m trying to not let that be my main focus, especially when thinking about my relationship with my kids but it’s hard when the very thing you need to disprove that is not around. A bit like trying to prove the existence of ghosts. There’s a ghost in the room but I can’t see it to prove it. You just have to believe me. That’s my brain 24/7. Always trying to convince myself of the existence of ghosts but instead of ghosts, it’s my relationship with my kids. So, I’m still exploring that question and trying to learn every day how I can maintain that long-distance relationship with my kids. How I can make sure that they don’t feel like they are missing out even if I feel that way. How can I give them something that I can’t give to myself? So, in conclusion, I haven’t got an answer. I don’t even think there is one. I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing. I think that’s a good question to keep you exploring and making sure you are doing right for your kids. Maybe that’s the answer, to always have the question. Maybe the answer is not to have an answer but to always be questioning. Have I just solved it? Can I now do a TED talk? All I can do is just be the best version of myself and make sure that that is what my kids have.

‘My kids are my kids They are my moon, my sun, my earth, my sea, my success, my failures, my dreams, my nightmares My kids are my kids They are the ground that I walk, the air that I breathe, the salt that I taste and the strength that I build My kids are my kids They are my map as I walk, the decision that I make, the blood that I bleed, the emotion that I feel, the money that I waste. My kids are my kids they teach me to be humble, to be happy, to be sad, to be scared, to be proud, to be strong, to be wrong. My kids, are my kids, are my kids, are my kids I am brave, I am calm, I am fearless, I am selfless, I am loved, I am dad My kids are my kids.’

Dave

My Learning Question -

‘How can I be a good ancestor?’ Dear Jonah, If you’re reading this it must now be the future? Am I still here? That’s a funny thing about the future: we have to die to get there. That’s ok. In a way, when you die, you become alive more than ever. Today I ran a workshop with some teenagers. What they said disturbed me: ‘I’m afraid that the world will explode…’ ‘Not everyone cares that much about climate change so our world isn’t going to last much longer.’ ‘Everyone alive today will be gone in 100 years’. That’s a kind of dying I can’t accept. It’s why I had you, nurturing precious life feels affirming. It’s why I do these learning journeys, to try to find allies with whom to

stand. It’s basically why I’ve been asking this ‘good ancestor’ question. ’Tikkun olam’ says our Judaism - repair the world. Ok. But where on earth do I begin when everything seems broken? Joanna Macy says ‘with gratefulness’. With a sense of humour, said a buddy Russ. That made me think of something playful: if dying can bring us more alive, what should we let go of? What might I need to quit in order to grow? Sounds suspiciously dour but I decided to ‘start close in’. If ‘how we are at the large scale is, after all, how we are at the small scale’, then I thought I’d best start off at home. What kind of dying (!) might help me be a better Dad, I wondered? Step one was obvious. Let go of a lie. In one sense, you’re my only child right now. But

in another sense we’re all parents, to all of the children. Children today, inner children, children yet to come. Our ancestors knew this - as they say in Africa: ubuntu. So why do I forget? I began a little ritual. If everyone is essentially a kind of ‘brother’ or ‘sister’ then that’s what I will start to call them. Next came an uncomfortable admission. Much as I wish I could be Thor… I simply won’t be your saviour, your canopy, your hero. I think that’s more than any of us should ever take on. It’s a kind of patriarchal suffocation. Of course I support you, with every bone in my body, but why don’t we just keep on growing up together? Then came some dreaming. What if I could easily see beyond the limits of the everyday? More frequently transcend that slice of our awareness that is too concerned with right, and wrong, and limits and scarcity? That part that loves controlling things? Wow, imagine a politics, an economics, an education, and a culture rooted there, in the significance of dreaming?

In this spirit, those teenagers’ anxieties, met well, are maybe not so bad? A kind of doorway into a different future? My health, met well, can be more like an invitation than a judgement. As can yours. And our planet’s - make no mistake, we exist in an interdependent marriage. Suddenly everything seems to be brimming with creative potential. Was I a good ancestor? I’ll never truly know. To be honest, seven generations (in either direction) is way beyond my grasp! But guarantees, evidence, the need to know all begins to feel way less important than just giving it a go…

I met a woman who appreciated my maleness and shared this wisdom from Martin Luther-King: ‘power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anaemic.’

Giving what a go? I’ll give the last word to a Quaker called Parker Palmer, a mentor named Marcy and a fellow astronaut of inner space called Anneka. Whether I’m still here with you on this plane or not, they all three pointed me towards a path that I’d really love for us to keep on trying to walk, side-by-side, together?

And yet I still craved the power of a simple answer. Sometimes, it’s important not to know. But in our war-riddled world, what should be my inner compass? I learned an Aboriginal saying “if the land is sick, you are sick” and then I remembered that my body is itself a kind of war-zone. As Mary Oliver says:’ Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.`` Through this body I have slowly learned

about vulnerability, love, power, patience and fortitude. I’ve learned that the only life-affirming way for me to live with sickness is by embracing it. I’ve studied my ailments and some days noticed them as superpowers. To quote a Sufi poet, I’ve sensed that “true healing is an unglamorous process of living into the long lengths of pain. Forging forward in the darkness.”

“Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks, we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.” Big love, Dad.

Chris

Learning Question I came with -

‘How do I get the support I need from my employers to be a good support for my partner and a good father to my son?’ Where do I begin? I started this journey with excitement and hope. I was an expectant father joining a group of men, many of them fathers and all of us interested in unpacking fatherhood. We were all on individual journeys but tackling them as a collective. My partner and I were so excited to be parents and see each other become parents, and it felt so poignant that I would be ending this course as a father myself. I knew I was lucky to be embarking on a new life stage whilst having access to such open, vulnerable, candid, and collective wisdom and love. In the world of men this isn’t just something that happens naturally; it’s an environment that only exists through

proactive, thoughtful and careful cultivation, so a huge thanks is due to Sam and the rest of the guys. My question was centred around one of the practicalities of new fatherhood: how do I get the support I need from my employers to be a good support for my partner and a good father to my son? I began by researching progressive paternity policies, interviewing the other fathers in the group about their experiences, and advocating for improvements at my own work. I could never have guessed that I’d be needing a very different and more profound level of support than I could ever have imagined. Our son Leo was heartbreakingly stillborn. This was how we became parents

and a large part of our hearts shattered into pieces, some of which will always remain with him. My question morphed from advocating for the support I needed to be with my son and partner at home to the support I needed to get through day after day of our new reality, and to do my best to support a bereaved mother whilst also being utterly broken. In a reality that’s still so fresh and raw, it’s a question that will require all the time I have to answer.

to the floor or you’ll be screaming yourself into breathlessness. The only things that help are leaning into those turns and holding the hand of the person next to you. None of us in the group could have expected such a tragic twist to the journey, but everyone has banded together with such sincere and necessary support and I’ll never forget it.

Life now is like riding a rollercoaster with your eyes closed, not knowing whether the next day will lift you up or carry you down, jerk you left and right or flip you upside down, or whether your stomach will drop

Learning Question I am leaving with -

‘How do I make sure I’ve got the support I need to get through bereavement as a father?’ 15

Jamie

Learning Question I came with -

‘How has the role of the father changed, throughout history and culturally?‘ Like Father, Like Son, Like Grandfather Over the past six months I have been growing as a human being, a friend and most importantly a father. This role does and doesn’t come naturally to some. It is a skill, a way of life and a mantra that we are not necessarily taught by our own fathers. Some say it is the most important job in the world yet how do we learn how to navigate it successfully? I suppose for me what I have learnt, amongst many things on this journey that I have shared with some wonderful human beings, is that there is no ‘perfect parent’ and that it really does take ‘a village to raise a child’. This community of men that I have stumbled across are that for me, and it

came at a time when I needed it most. My Learning Question has evolved during this voyage, it was certainly a compelling question however it was quite vast. I wanted to narrow it down. It led me to become interested in the group’s own fathers. After speaking to the members of the group I realised just how much influence our own fathers have on the fathers we become, positively and negatively. I then reached out to the group about their own experiences of childhood. This prompted an offshoot question about the role of our mothers: ‘How do our Mothers influence us becoming dads’. This reminded me of a pivotal moment in my realisation of this when swimming in the sea with my own mum: We were talking about role models,in

particular their fallibility and she said ‘You are your own role model now’. I was also interested in how one’s parent’s cultural backgrounds influence the way we bring up our children.It was also apparent how important our idols and personal role models were growing up. It makes me think of who these people are for my own son, Rafe. A lot of people come to mind, which makes me very happy. A huge shout out goes to all of my fellow father figures, who have shared so much on this journey. Saving the best till last, the biggest shout out and thank you goes to our host with the most, Sam, he has helped us all ride the stormy seas, with each of us taking the helm at one point or another. Sam, quite literally, has changed my life forever! Thank you mate, for holding us all and for being held in return. Learning Question I am leaving with -

‘How do our fathers figures influence us being Dads?’ 17

Mark

My Learning Question -

‘How can I be more present with my children, whilst providing an environment for them to thrive? ‘ I joined father figures on a whim, not entirely sure what I was signing up to. I was in a place as a father wanting to connect with other dads and share experiences, and because of the struggles I myself was experiencing with fatherhood. I wanted to see that I wasn’t alone and I wanted to learn from other dads, and contribute myself. In my own life, my relationship to fatherhood has been challenging. And I wanted a different relationship with my children. One where I am present for them mentally and physically. Joining father figures has given me the opportunity to feel heard. It’s given

me space to express all the frustrations, challenges, and joys of being a father. I’ve also gotten to know a lovely group of Dads and hear their stories. At first I was a little apprehensive to open up, but as the weeks went on it was clear we had a safe container to be ourselves and to support one another. In fact this was overwhelming for me. This actually exists? Men do this? This was not my experience growing up and I didn’t know I was yearning for this kind of interaction with other dads. And so we were invited to ask ourselves a learning question to guide us through our time together. I was experiencing difficulty

in being present with my children, and so my question was “how can I be more present with my children, whilst providing an environment for them to thrive?” I wrote in on a post-it note and placed them at eye level, by the bed, the kettle, and the bathroom where I knew I’d see them daily, in order to keep my question front of mind. This question pointed me towards where I wasn’t being present with them. Head down, looking at my phone whilst my daughter pointed out “Dad, you’re always on your phone”. My son said “Dad, you love your phone more than you love us”. Ouch. This hit home. I’d like to say now I’m a lot better. Well, I am, but a work in progress! Trying to find that balance still. What’s been truly amazing is the openness

of the group. From the start everyone showed a willingness to share and support. I think every father, every parent should have access to this kind of experience in the early stages of being a parent, even before becoming a parent. There isn’t a manual for parenting of course, but what this provides is a community to come together and to not feel so alone. Something I believe is sorely lacking in our society. My question still remains the same, and will continue to guide me for years to come even when my kids are grown ups. I believe being present for my children is one of the best things I can do as a father.

Ehireme

Learning Question I came with -

‘How selfish do I have to be as a parent to be holistically present to my kids?‘ As a man, and as a black man, I’ve been taught to hold a lot of “stuff” in. Despite this I have gotten better at being more vocal when needing support. But it still isn’t enough. I have been writing poetry for about six years now and I can honestly say that poetry saved my life. It was and still very much is an outlet for me to offload my thoughts and feelings especially when it gets too much, but also, on the contrary, when points in my life need to be celebrated with a handful of sprinkled positivity.

This is a short excerpt from a poem called Boomerang. You can find this and many more of my poems in my book called Points Of Contact via Amazon. This was written in response to realising that both of my kids will never be their respective ages again. I wanted to savour this moment, like a message in a bottle for their future creative inspiration, full of the unconditional love I have for them.

Boomerang

You are of age where you can run, jump, and fly. But I’ve always given you the protection needed to be shielded from pain. My hand has a firm grip on yours but yours wriggles, wanting to be independent at least for a little while. Similar to the god of thunder and the hammer, without a glance to measure your distance from me, I open my hand and my mind calls for you and you run up to grab my hand and your footsteps become the reocurring sound of spinning excitement. My boomerang, I designed you. Drew and carved out your ways. Painted you and watched you dry. I am at the stage where I’m testing the waters as much as you do with your cheeky and mischievous behaviour, wondering how far I should throw you. One day you’ll read this and hopefully it’ll mean something to you. I don’t think I could ever throw you and turn my back, even though you’d land on your feet and create opportunities and eventually a family for yourself. No, not because of that but because my love for you won’t let me. I’ll do my best to teach you how to embrace the universal laws of the land, dodge the dangers and glide with the joys of everything around us.

Learning Question I am leaving with -

‘As a parent, how important is breathing before taking an action?’ 21

Lorne

My Learning Question -

‘How can I make an authentic documentary

exploring the themes of fatherhood and loss?’ Six months ago I started an epic journey with 10 men. I have been making a feature length documentary about my dad. Our father and son relationship was altered forever when he married a young Thai woman in 2008 which was the subject of my first documentary. Then, in 2018 he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, passing away shortly after. With his permission I turned on the camera once again, capturing his final weeks and days. Since this time I have wanted to make this documentary but have not found the time. This was my inspiration for joining the ‘Father Figures’ project. My partner and I are planning to start trying for a child at the end of this year which is another reason that I embarked on this

journey. Along the way I have jumped over many hurdles in relation to my documentary with support from this awesome group. As the course draws to a close I’ve decided to write a message to my late father and future children. My message to you Dad: You continue to teach me valuable lessons even in your afterlife. You were a wild, spontaneous fun loving soul that had many issues throughout your life. You told us about your troubled upbringing and tumultuous relationship with your parents which explains a lot about your commitment issues to women and your family. This is something that both my sister

and I struggled with as you said some hurtful things that opened wounds and scarred us for life. However, I know you, and I know that deep down you never meant to hurt us. It was your own demons that you deflected onto us but I made peace with you toward the end of your life. It’s a shame that you couldn’t do the same but hopefully you have now. Your favourite poem was ‘This Be The Verse’ by Philip Larkin which starts with ‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad’ and ends with:

A message to our future children: We’ve been talking about you and imagining when you will arrive. We hear that no one can prepare for parenthood but we’re doing our best to. I’ve just completed a 6 month learning journey with a bunch of legendary dads to try and understand the trials and tribulations of fatherhood better… and I definitely do.

‘Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.’

We might not always get things right but we’ll try. There’s no handbook for parenting and everyone’s situation is different. What I’ve learnt is to stay true to myself and trust that even though I have no idea what I’m doing it will be the best thing for you.

I disagree with Larkin, You did not not fuck me up and hand your misery to me. I have taken your good traits of confidence, spontaneity and wildness and disregarded your bad traits. I can’t wait to have kids and I know that the man you have helped me to become will provide a bright future for my children.

We have both been lucky enough to have had good upbringings and feel ready to provide you with the same. The world we will bring you into is a very different world to when we were born. You will be a part of a new generation of eco warriors (hopefully) that will play your part in saving our beautiful planet Earth.

Rest in peace old man x

Looking forward to meeting you. Love you always and forever x

Tiff

Tiny barbarian of my heart Before you, you sent an army of darkness To thresh me To turn the dark soils of my soul And as I pick through the broken flint I find your seeds of love everywhere.

Sam

My Learning Question -

What do my children need from me? Sometimes well meaning strangers ask what they think are simple questions which are not so simple to answer. Suddenly you must decide whether or not to trust this person with a tender and nuanced truth which may need a long conversation to even begin to understand; whether or not they actually want to know, and whether they really consent to knowing. For me this occurs when, as is common, someone has been charmed by my brilliant daughter Iris, they ask ‘Is she your first?’. Often I just say yes. It is the simplest option. Yet it comes with a wince - it is a sad, alienating and shame-reinforcing thing to lie about such a basic fact of life: one of a thousand cuts to an ongoing wound. Maybe I could say ‘yes’ with a silent asterisk:

*If by ‘first’ you mean a child I have touched and smelt. A child who feels like an extension of my own body, who I welcomed blinking and wailing into this world, and who I have comforted and cleaned up after and entertained and been delighted and exhausted by ever since. If what you mean by this question is ‘Is she the first human you have helped create, and therefore have a responsibility towards?’ however, then the answer is no. Should I go on…? Do you have time? Do you have headspace? OK, so my ‘first’ in this sense is a son. He is 15 years old, bears my full name (in case I had any doubt), and lives in the Philippines with his mother, who sat down next to me

in a domestic airport a few days before I returned home from travelling. I had just turned 19, still very much a boy myself: a lost boy seeking adventure and meaning - some kind of initiation to adulthood and maturity, and getting much more than he bargained for. I have never met him in the flesh, but in recent years, and particularly recently with the support of my fellow Father Figures, I have begun to develop a relationship with him online. The first time we spoke in depth on a video call, he asked me about the Bermuda triangle and various other Youtube conspiracy theories and eventually worked up to the existence of God. I told him I didn’t know but I was open to the idea. We sang his favourite song together: Sorry by Justin Bieber… (‘is it too late to say I’m sorry?’). It felt like fatherhood, of sorts. How much more do you want to know? There is so much more to this story that matters, and I share different details at different times with different people. Some of it I might tell in order to explain. Some of it I might tell to try to excuse being largely emotionally absent from his life thus far, so you won’t judge me too harshly. Beyond the appropriate guilt derived from creating life and failing to steward it, there are no guidelines for how you’re supposed to deal with or feel about this. My monkey brain certainly didn’t evolve to relate to biological kin I can’t even smell. It is unfathomably weird having an intimate invisible thread connecting me to someone on the other side of the world, who exists to me in the form of bank transfers and emails and photos and occasional video calls. Disembodied, like much of our modern existence.

I am yet to really establish what it feels like for him, and what he needs from me, other than money. I want to. One day I hope to meet him, but it’s complicated… Baby steps. Shame-stupefied and determined at first to cope with this reality on my own, I kept my son’s existence almost entirely secret for four years, until something in my soul violently rebelled, knocked me flat, and demanded I tell my dear ones and ask for help. To my profound and liberating relief I discovered that they continued unwaveringly to love and support me. Never keep secrets from those you love. The Father Figures project is the first time I have ever referred to ‘my children’ - a simple but hugely significant step. For me, forming this group, this wise community of fellow travellers, has been a pivotal stage in a much longer journey: a journey of coaxing a lonely story carefully out of a box my head and into the world where it belongs, with all the other strange and difficult stories that shape us, destroy us and make us. I entrust it to you, world, please take care of it. So no, she’s not my only child. I have a son. His name is Sam. My learning question as a father is and will continue to be ‘What do my children need from me?’, and one of many answers is the courage to truly love and live this question.

Let life live through you.

Resources Here are some resources we’ve found useful along the journey. Web:

Reading list:

The Fatherhood Institute www.fatherhoodinstitute.org

DAD — Untold Stories of Fatherhood, Love, Mental Health and Masculinity — Curated by Elliot Rae

Music Football Fatherhood www.musicfootballfatherhood.com

The Life of Dad — Anna Machin

The New Fatherhood www.thenewfatherhood.org Future Men https://futuremen.org/ The Good Men Project https://goodmenproject.com/

Making Sense of Fatherhood — Tina Miller Fathering and Poverty — Anna Tarrant Fatherhood Reclaimed: The Making of the Modern Father — Adrienne Burgess Philosophy for Everyone: The Dao of Daddy — Edited by Lon Nease and Michael Austin

The Good Ancestor https://www.romankrznaric.com/goodancestor/resources

Father Figure: How to be a Feminist Dad Jordan Shapiro

Dangerous Dads https://dangerousdads.org.uk

The Will to Change - Men, Masculinity and Love - Bell Hooks

A Band of Brothers https://abandofbrothers.org.uk

Absent Fathers, Lost Sons: The Search For Masculine Identity - Guy Corneau

Language of Listening https://www.languageoflistening.com

Featherhood: A Memoir of Two Fathers and a Magpie - Charlie Gilmour

If you’d like to offer any feedback on this booklet or the wider Father Figures project, or would like stay up to date with any future developments and opportunities, please email samweatherald@gmail.com

This learning journey was fuelled by Huddlecraft (formerly Enrol Yourself) - an ecosystem of support for peer-to-peer learning, support and action. We bring people together in small peer groups to become more than the sum of their parts; to connect to what matters most to them alongside other passionate peers, and multiply their potential. Sam, the Host of this group, made Father Figures happen as part of our Host Fellowship: an 18 month programme of support to help people design, facilitate and run their own peer groups.

If you’d like to discover how you can host or participate in a learning peer group like Father Figures; bring our peer-learning insights into your organisation; or simply find out more about our work; please visit www.huddlecraft.com

Thank you

Thank you to all the women in our lives, especially our co-parents and partners, for pushing us to become better men, and hopefully better fathers. Thank you to our Mums and Dads for raising the kind of men who would even consider undertaking this kind of inquiry in the first place. Thank you to our brothers, sisters, extended family and friends - the village it takes to do anything worthwhile in, let alone the momentous project of raising a child. Thank you to our ancestors. Thank you to Zahra Davidson and all at Huddlecraft (formerly Enrol Yourself) for birthing and continuing to grow this brilliant, radical and innovative approach to learning and community weaving. Thank you to Anna Garlands for relentlessly backing Sam in this work from day one, and supporting him to adapt the model with care to this hugely tender terrain in the planning and recruitment stage. Thank you Anneka Deva for her grounding insight and guidance during the project stage.

Thank you to artist, consultant, therapist and fellow father figure Stuart Taylor who generously offered wise counsel along the journey. Thank you to community activist Marie Macleod for joining Anna and Stuart in providing precious feedback to us all at the second Check Point. Thank you to Tina Miller, Owen Thomas, Ian Blackwell and Jeremy Gilbert for bravely agreeing to discuss the question ‘Will Dads dismantle the patriarchy?’ on a panel discussion to promote the project in June 2021. Thank you to everyone in the ‘Womb with a View’ matriarchy, who birthed the giant theatrical womb where Sam held his first Father’s Circle! For better or worse it was a very fertile womb… Thank you to Alexandra Csatári for the beautiful booklet portraits and design. Thank you above all to our children, and all children: the ultimate learners and teachers.

Collage made by Jamie