BEHAVIOUR

It is our relationship with blame that needs addressing otherwise blame addiction is endemic and can carry through inter-generationally if not addressed.

For the first three decades of my life, I would never have imagined I was a blameaholic. Why would I, as I only just made this word up, but more importantly, even if I did find out I was addicted to playing the blame game, what is the issue with that?

After 15 years of obsessively researching and unpacking blame, I can confidently say it is the missing link as to why the pursuit of health and happiness has remained a pursuit for so many. And what is more, it has become very clear that blame has transcended its game status to become an addiction.

Someone who shows signs of blame addiction habitually places fault either onto others or themselves for their problems or, what they perceive as negative experiences. Does this sound like you or anyone you know? Sometimes it is obvious because you or a family member are always the victim in their story. Other times we are in the denial stage, where we are justifying our need to continue with the same behaviour.

When we look at other addictions, we intellectually understand that the longer they go on, the more they impact our mental, emotional and physical health and performance. Here is the issue with our addiction to blame - no one knows they have it. So not only is no one addressing it, but they are passing it on to anyone they come into contact with.

Why should you even consider looking into this more? Because after a lifetime covering up our unknown blame addiction with fake positivity and self-control, we are not only expert liars, but we are mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. As a result, we do not know who we honestly are. And because of that, we keep trying to create a life that is not in alignment with our honest self. This is why suffering and hardship are common companions for so many. Pain is a guide, encouraging us to do something different to what we have been doing.

As you start the recovery process, you become very aware of who you are. This can be a strange and surprising time as you get to know the new you. But, it is very much worth it as it comes with a brand-new feeling - honest confidence.

LESS BLAME = LESS PAIN

Once you start the blame recovery process, you not only see profound, far-reaching and long-lasting benefits in all areas of your life, you no longer effortlessly pass it on to future generations. This has the potential to change the course of history.

This can seem like quite a dramatic statement, that such a small word can have such a monumental impact on human evolution. But as I started to see what transpired in my life and that of my clients, I saw the bigger picture of what was possible. Mental, emotional and physical conditions and ailments, acute or chronic, would either disappear instantly or in timeframes that were considered impossible.

It was like a blow from Thor’s hammer when I realised blame was a trained response. It is not a normal human behaviour. After years travelling around the world, spending time in nature, I became very aware that the reason nature flourishes when left alone is because there is no blame. It helped explain why I felt so relaxed and grounded when deep in the Amazon jungle, because I wasn’t surrounded in blame.

Every home, office, bar and gym is full of blame, where we are either blaming others or ourselves. When we spend time in nature, even the self-blame has an opportunity to quieten down for a while.

Realising that hatred, anger, and revenge were not inherent human emotions - they all originate from blame - was a game changer. It helped me fully appreciate that with less blame there is less mental and emotional pain. It is a simple equation, but as my team and I at RoundTable Global took leaders through the blame recovery process, it was astonishing to see how quickly teams started to work symbiotically together and flourish - just like in nature.

This first stage of the blame recovery process is becoming aware of our addiction to blame, so we can recognise how we are unknowingly feeding it.

It might not feel great to know you have been giving children a masterclass in blame. I am sure it does not feel nice and you might even vehemently deny it. It can be a very enlightening moment for parents when they realise they are doing exactly this. It is the same when I work with leaders and entrepreneurs, when they discover how they are unknowingly teaching their employees to be expert blamers.

Early Masterclass

Let me give you an example to illustrate how early the masterclass starts.

Wherever I am working in the world, whether in Dubai, Saudi Arabia, or Switzerland, the vast majority of people will recognise this scenario. But none of them recognise the impact it has on everyone who is involved. It is when a young child is running around and bumps into a table and starts crying. More often than not, an adult will hit the table while repeating, bad table!

There is no doubt it is an effective way to distract and calm the child down. But why is it so effective? Could it be that the child is getting their blame fix? They are being encouraged to blame something rather than take personal responsibility for their part. Maybe they are enjoying the dopamine hit, and that is what calms them down.

Ultimately, it is just one of many scenarios that reinforce the idea that when we feel hurt, emotionally or physically, we should blame and then lash out. Is not this happening in overt or passive aggressive ways every day in our homes or offices?

The bigger picture realisation here is, if we are doing this to our children, then where did we learn it from? It is fair to say, our parents and guardians unknowingly gave us the same masterclass. Where did they learn it from? They had the same education from their parents and so on. Potentially this has been

In his book, The Blame Game: How to Recover from the World’s Oldest Addiction, Denis Liam Murphy, who coaches clients with fifteen years of entrepreneurial experience, presents the New Murphy’s Law and going on for thousands of years. Blame like any other addiction is fun and harmless at the beginning. Blame is funny. Just look at slapstick comedy. It is hilarious when something wrong happens. But blame is not the issue, just like alcohol is not. It is our relationship with these behaviours and substances that needs addressing. Our blame addiction has been with us for so long, we are unknowingly born with this addiction. Meaning, we are unaware we are unconsciously seeking out this dopamine hit from a very early age. Even if you do not believe we inherit behavioural traits, we are definitely getting a masterclass in how to blame from day one. So, maybe a new masterclass is needed.

One that is centred around self-awareness and selfhonesty.

Home Or Office

This is a question I asked myself the more time I spent in all different ecosystems around the world. I saw how nature rejuvenates effortlessly when left alone. I started to wonder if there was blame in nature?

Over the years I have taken great inspiration and wisdom from nature. I never found myself entering a rainforest thinking that it was doing anything wrong. I understood that I did not have all the information, awareness and wisdom to know why something was happening the way it was. I instinctively knew every part had a purpose to play for the whole ecosystem to flourish. It ebbed and flowed, adapted and ultimately worked together in weird and wonderful ways.

As you start the recovery process, you become very aware of who you are.

After a lifetime covering up blame addiction, we are not only expert liars, but we are mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

We do not know who we honestly are and because of that, we keep trying to create a life that is not in alignment with our honest self.

Pain is a guide, encouraging us to do something different to what we have been doing.

It was like a blow from Thor’s hammer when I realised blame was a trained response and not a normal human behaviour.

I became very aware that the reason nature flourishes when left alone is because there is no blame.

Every home, office, bar and gym is full of blame, where we are either blaming others or ourselves.

When we spend time in nature, even the self-blame has an opportunity to quieten down for a while.

Hatred, anger, revenge are not inherent human emotions - they originate from blame.

With less blame there is less mental and emotional pain, it is a simple equation.

Our homes and offices, and societies have a foundation in blame. As a result, we have used control to maintain peace and order. However, using control in this way means we are running our environments like prisons. Look at most households. Children are told the rules and if they break them they are punished by being banished to their room, solitary confinement. Maybe they are not allowed to play or watch tv, restricted access to entertainment and exercise. It creates an atmosphere of fear. This is not a healing and empathetic space to grow up in. And when parents become bosses they create the same environment. The repercussions of passing on this blame addiction to our children and future generations, are much larger than you may think.

This first stage of the blame recovery process is becoming aware of our addiction to blame.

We know doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, according to Albert Einstein. Over thousands of years, we have continued to develop more sophisticated tools and techniques to help us control and repress our self-honesty. It is getting harder to keep a lid on all of that blame-based anger and frustration, as well as feelings of fear, anxiety and depression. It is being internalised, and the recent pandemic and subsequent isolation showed many people what they had been hiding from for so long. n

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