FEATURE
PRESS BOX PUNCHLINES How an alumnus took over duties as Hummel Bowl public address announcer and turned football games into a comedy showcase.
BY ROB W H I T T L E ’ 69 P’ 97 ’ 99
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his story will be about sports. No, it won’t resemble the work of sportswriting greats like Tom Boswell, Michael Wilbon, or Tony Kornheiser. Well, maybe it will remind you a little of the wiseguy Kornheiser.. Did you ever have the opportunity to wake up in the morning and be able to do something so different from your everyday life that you say to yourself, “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this!”? Such was the case with me for a few football seasons starting in 2006 when I became the “mouth of the Maroon.” The Episcopal High School football team had never had a public-address announcer until my predecessor, who called only a few games. A hidebound, traditional program, the team was all old-school, all the time. I visited him in the booth one game and thought to myself, “Hey, I could do this.” So, at the start of the next season, I did. I decided at the outset that I would try to bring some color to the job. I added music, beginning each game with
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the theme from Monday Night Football, and playing some rock ’n’ roll at halftime. What got me in hot water, though, were mostly extemporaneous proclamations. I called them “head-snappers,” as in when I made a comment, the coach’s head would snap around to glare at me. This, alas, became a theme throughout my P.A. career at EHS. Every game announcer needs a spotter, someone with the binocs who tells you who made the tackle and how many yards were gained. For this vital job, I tapped Page Smith ’69, one of my oldest friends. Bad choice. The uber-laconic Page is the last person you’d want in the position of urgently transferring information. After many a play, I was left hanging without being able to announce the specifics. After almost every game, I would bark, “Page, you’re fired,” which he would answer with a sly smile. I set the tone during our first game, against Bishop Ireton. The September weather was hot and humid and the players were dropping with leg cramps like flies. At the end
