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learly, abuse is not something new or modern. It has been one of the results of sin in our fallen world from the very beginning. Tim Lane and Paul Tripp write, “The Bible is not about an idyllic world full of noble people who always make the right choice. The Bible describes a world we recognize, where very good and very bad things happen, and where people make wonderful and horrible choices. The Bible describes a world that sometimes makes us laugh, but often makes us cry.”1 The Bible condemns abusive violence of all kinds. The Bible not only describes abuse and narrates tragic stories of abuse, it also clearly and unequivocally condemns abuse of all kinds (cf. Ex. 21:12–27). Abuse of authority or power is always a sin. It is never an acceptable dynamic in any relationship, especially a marriage relationship. The psalmist writes, “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion” (Ps. 11:5). Does that language surprise you? Aren’t we told hate the sin, not the sinner? Not always so. Here the Bible speaks loud and clear—God hates those who love violence. The Bible speaks honestly of abuse, condemning abuse and those who practice violence. But most importantly—and what your counselee needs to hear— is this: God hears the cries of the abused, the oppressed, the torn down, the battered, and the beaten.2 Psalm 10:17 states, “You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.” The abused have a God who is never deaf to their cries for help.3 Ed Welch writes, “If she [he] looks for words to say in the Psalms she will find that God especially invites those who have enemies and oppressors to come to him.”4 Indeed, our Savior is someone who understands what it means to be afflicted and oppressed: “He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain” (Isa. 53:3). In marriage, all forms of abuse must be addressed and taken seriously by the counselor. As referenced in chapter three, when abuse is taking place in a marriage, the marriage counseling needs to come to an end. At this point, individual and separate counseling for the abused and the abuser is necessary.5 Winston Smith writes, “It’s important to identify the presence of abuse in marriage because, undetected, these patterns can sabotage the
counseling process. A fundamental dynamic of marriage counseling is helping spouses examine their own behavior so that each understands his or her contribution to shared problems, but this very process can unwittingly play into patterns of abuse rather than stop them.”6 In counseling husbands who are abusive, it must be made absolutely clear that biblical headship does not entitle a husband to treat his wife in a violent or oppressive manner. At the heart of most domestic abuse is the sinful use of a husband’s leadership to exercise control over another individual.7 Biblical headship is described as sacrificial servanthood, not unlimited authority (Mark 10:42–45). Let’s not confuse terms—when a husband demands his own way or dominates his wife, we do not call this biblical headship, we call it what it is—selfishness and abuse of power. In light of this, what should we do as counselors? Two immediate priorities emerge: identify immediate needs and plan for long-term care.
T H E B I B L E N O T O N LY D E S C R I B E S A B U S E A N D N A R R AT E S T R A G I C STORIES OF ABUSE, IT ALSO
Identifying Immediate Needs
The first immediate need in any domestic violence situation is to prioritize the safety of the abused.8 Often this is primarily a matter of physical safety. Make sure they have emergency contact numbers at hand. As a counselor or pastor, you should not be their first phone call in case of emergency. Here are a few helpful numbers and tips. • Emergency 9–1–1 • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1–800–799-SAFE (7233) • Know the number for your local law enforcement. • If they are there in the office with you, offer to help make the call with them. • Pastors and ministry leaders should be familiar with local women’s shelters and emergency personnel in their area.
C L E A R LY A N D U N E Q U I V O C A L LY
CONDEMNS ABUSE OF ALL KINDS.
If they are in an abusive relationship, help them develop a personal safety plan. Here are several helpful templates available online: • Brad Hambrick: http://bradhambrick.com/safetyplan/ • Justin and Lindsey Holcomb: http://justinholcomb.com/ wp-content/uploads/2014/05/IsItMyFaultAppendix2.pdf • An example of a secular safety assessment: https://www. marincourt.org/ PDF/LethalityRisk.pdf ERLC. COM
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