Walking with the Broken

I

I wish more than anything that this topic of caring well for friends and family who have experienced abuse wasn't something that I could speak personally on. But yet here I am. I'm not coming to you as an expert on the topic of caring for survivors. I have no degree that gives me any credibility, but I'm coming to you as someone who has walked with friends who have been aff ected by abuse.

I haven't walked this road of abuse personally and would never claim to understand what it feels like to have abuse of any form wreck your world. But a few years ago, my friends’ house became a battlefi eld as they realized that abuse had infi ltrated their home and their children. Sexual abuse bombarded the house, and every family member was aff ected by this atrocity. No one was left without battle scars and wounds that will take years to even come close to healing. No one will ever be the same from the abuse that they have walked through. I'm not the same, and I have merely walked beside them, loving them as best as I can.

I'll never forget the phone call, where my friend, through sobs and anger, told me that they had discovered that one of their kids had been sexually abused. It was as if I had the wind knocked out of me, and I felt as though I was drowning. And I was just a friend. Her pain, her confusion, her anger was palpable through that phone call. And in that moment, I knew that I would do whatever we needed to do as a family to walk this road with their family, as long as it took.

Walking with friends who have experienced abuse has been one of the hardest journeys for my faith, one of the biggest things that has caused me to say, “God where are you in all of this?” It's been one of the dearest things for our friendships as well. I'm beyond honored that our Creator God would also place the Ivey family with our friends so that we could try our best to journey alongside them in their pain, bear their burdens, speak truths into their hearts, and love them through this.

Three Ways To Walk With Those Who Have Experienced Abuse

I've seen firsthand three ways that we, as friends, can truly minister to families that are having to walk this unimaginable, unthinkable road of abuse. What I'm realizing now is that being with them, petitioning the Father on their behalf, and weeping with them goes a long way in caring for them. I confess, though, that sometimes as Christians and as leaders we feel as though we need to immediately have all of the answers for their pain. We feel as though we need to open our Bibles immediately and usher them into the truth of God's Word.

While there is always truth to be shared about who God is in the midst of trauma and tragedy and unknowns, I have seen fi rsthand many friends miss a beautiful opportunity to minister to their friends in the ways that they needed most because they were too quick to try and communicate what they thought were the answers to their problems and not listen to their hearts.

1. O er our presence before answers

Th e fi rst thing we can do as friends is off er our presence before we off er our answers. Many times, religiosity urges us to try to get the correct answer for their problem, grief, or trial. And what we need to off er them before we off er them any answers is our presence.

We see Jesus do this beautifully throughout the Gospels. He was present with people. He entered into suff ering with them. We see Jesus do this when his friend Lazarus was sick. He got word that his friend Lazarus was sick, and we know that eventually Lazarus ended up dying. And as Jesus is making his way to Bethany, instead of going directly to the tomb and doing what he does best by bringing people back to life and healing people, he has two interactions with Lazarus’ sisters.

He spends time with Martha and Mary before he raises Lazarus from the dead. He mourned with them. His presence came before his healing. Listen to your friends as they process their grief. You don't have to have all the answers, but you do have the ability to be there for them.

Th ere is always a place for truth. Do not be mistaken by that. We know the truths about God. We know he is our Redeemer. We know he is our Rescuer. We know he is our Healer. We know that one day he's going to make all things right. We know that he's working out his plan for our good and his glory. He's a God of justice. He's going to sanctify us. Yes, these things are all true. But more than a place for truth, is a time for truth. Listen fi rst, and then listen some more. Your presence is needed in times of grief.

Not only is your presence needed in the immediate, as mine was on October 12, 2016, but as a friend, your presence is needed for the long haul. Healing does not happen overnight. In fact, on this side of heaven, I don't think many of us are truly healed from the abuse and trauma that we've seen. Th at day will come, but until then, we need to be friends that share our presence for the long haul.

2. Go to war for our friends through prayer

Not only do we off er our presence to our friends before we off er our answers, but we also need to be willing to go to war on their behalf. When I say go to war on their behalf, I do not mean that you fi nd out about a friend who has abuse in their home, nod politely, and say, “I'm so sorry I'll add you to my prayer list.” Th at is not war.

What I mean is that you say, “I am here for you. I will walk with you as long as you need me, and not only that, but I will petition the Father on your behalf and pray against the evil and darkness that you are experiencing as if my own soul depends on it.” As Christians, we are aware that there are bigger things that play in our world; there are bigger things than we see with our eyes. Th ere are spiritual battles to be fought. Paul tells us very clearly to put on the armor of God because we are fi ghting a battle. We are at war. We need these things to withstand the schemes of the devil.

When you walk with families through abuse, this battle against “Come and see, my Lord,” they replied. And verse 35 says, things that are unseen becomes something that you cannot not “Jesus wept.” Mary is angry, and she is confused. Her brother see. It is evil, and we call it evil. And we will go before the Father, has just died. She puts that anger and confusion onto Jesus, her and we will battle for the hearts of our friends that have walked friend and Lord. And Jesus did not defend himself. He did not through abuse of any form. We will battle against the enemy try to off er her advice. He did not quote any Scripture from the that has played a part in this destruction that is aff ecting our Old Testament. friends’ lives. He didn't try to convince her at that moment that some-

Walking with a family where abuse has entered that family thing bigger was at play that she could not see. He didn't try to means that your personal prayer life is radically changed. tell her, “Just hold on, Mary. Dry up your tears. In just a few You've seen the evil, you've seen the shrapnel left all around as moments I'm going to raise your brother from the dead.” He their lives are trying to be rebuilt. Enter into those spaces with did none of that. He wept. What we see here is that God can your friends. You are no longer take our anger, our confusion, blind to abuse. But now, you our questions of “God, where are will commit to your friends to beg God for healing on their The first thing we you?” in the midst of a theology that knows he's there with us. behalf and to beg God for the God can take it. God is saddened repentance of the abuser on their behalf. Pray on their can do as friends is over abuse. And Jesus wept with his friends. behalf to a Father that cares Caring well for our friends more for them than you ever possibly could. off er our presence that are walking a road that I would never wish on my worst 3. Mourning with those who mourn before we off er honorable gifts that God has ever given me. I wish that I didn't

Not only are we to be with have to walk this road with my our friends and off er our presence before we offer them our answers. friends. I wish that abuse had never infi ltrated their house. I answers, and not only are we to wish, more than anything, that go to war on their behalf in the we could all blink our eyes three spiritual forces, but we are to mourn with them. We are to weep times and tap our heels and go back to a time before abuse with our friends. We are to be sad. Sit with your friends, and turned their lives upside down. But we can't. And so we carry sob with them. Abuse is awful. It is of the devil, and we should on together. be broken over it. We should be deeply troubled and sorrowful I will devote my life to trying to be a good friend to them. I about this. will listen when needed, remind them of truths when appropri-

Th e verse in the Bible that we all wanted to memorize as kids ate, believe the truth when their hearts are struggling, petition says, “Jesus wept.” Well, in this story is a bigger picture, and the Father on their behalf, and weep with them until we are we see Mary the sister of Lazarus expressing her true feelings made complete—on the other side of this lifetime. of anger and confusion. And Jesus listens to her. He off ers his When abuse hits a family, there is no GoFundMe page. Th ere's presence, and then he weeps with his friend. no Instagram post. Th ere is no meal calendar. It’s a lonely battle.

Verse 32 says that when Mary reached the place where Jesus And it’s one that takes friends who are willing to go the long was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord if you had haul. Commit to walking with your friends for years through been here, my brother would not have died.” She is angry. She their grief and pain. When your time comes, and it will, for a knows what Jesus could have done to prevent this. Jesus could friend to invite you into their pain, I beg you to listen more than have stopped it. My friend was and is still angry about this, you talk and to pray more than you ever thought imaginable. and her and I have asked the same question a million times. And I pray that you will be OK in the sadness, no matter how Jesus, why did this happen? Where were you? You could have long it takes. stopped this.

In verse 33, it says when Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who would come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved Jamie Ivey is a podcast host and an author. in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked. enemy has been one of the most