Essential Child Issue 10 by Essential Child

PREGNANCY, INFANCY AND EARLY CHILDHOOD

WINTER 2011

ISSUE 10

Happiness & wellbeing issue Kinesiology Love is not enough A family forest, not a family tree Parents to the rescue! Overcoming visual dyslexia

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Inside this issue... Issue 10, Winter 2011 Regular Features

Essential Child Issue 10, Winter 2011 Editor Sarah Rogers Early Childhood Consultant Pauline Pryor Layout & Design Sam Pryor

Editor’s letter

Letters to the editor

Out of the mouths of babes

We love... Cubby houses

Handy Hints

Recipes Fruit in season – quinces and mandarines!

Book Reviews We review 3 of the children’s books short-listed for Book Week prizes

Win a free ‘Captured with Love’ photoshoot

& have your child featured on our spring cover

Featured Articles Kinesiology Lesley Kennedy explains this natural therapy

Love is not enough Katharine Cook asks, “What makes you a good parent?”

Contributing Writers Katharine Cook Nerida Crowe Jo Field Lesley Kennedy Rowena Parkes Jodie Smith

Stepfamilies – a family forest not a family tree! Jo fields discusses the complexities of blended families

Parents to the rescue! Rowena Parkes asks us to stop and think before jumping to our child’s rescue

Advertising enquiries: Sarah Rogers, phone 0410 338 201 ads@essentialchild.com.au

Overcoming visual dyslexia 13 Nerida Crowe offers hope for children with learning difficulties

Cover Photo Captured with Love Photography www.capturedwithlove.com.au

Contact: Phone 02 6656 2109 Fax 02 6656 2131 info@essentialchild.com.au PO Box 1587, Coffs Harbour, NSW, 2450 ABN: 47 491 617 953 Essential Child is published four times a year by Essential Child. No other parties or individuals have any financial interest in this magazine. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without the written consent of the publisher. Content within this magazine is information only and not necessarily the views of the editor. It does not purport to be a substitute for professional health and parenting advice. Readers are advised to seek a doctor for all medical and health matters. The publisher and authors do not accept any liability whatsoever in respect of an action taken by readers in reliance on the recommendations set out in this magazine. All reasonable efforts have been made to trace copyright holders.

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Editor’s letter. H

as anyone ever asked you “what makes you a good parent?” It’s a confronting question, to say the least, but it’s an important one to ask ourselves. This issue of Essential Child is dedicated to children’s happiness and wellbeing, and on page 6, guest writer, Child and Family Psychologist Katharine Cook, challenges us to consider the effect our actions can have on our children. Of course, we all want to be the best parent we can but when things get tough, Katharine says, sometimes love just isn’t enough. Local parenting consultant, Rowena Parkes, pitches in on page 11 with some thought-provoking advice on how to help your child learn life-long skills and resilience for dealing with conflict. We also take a look at kinesiology, visual dyslexia and step-parenting, with a focus on maximising children’s wellbeing. One thing missing from this issue is a Soap Box! Soap Box is YOUR column, your place to vent, rant, impassion, and plead on whichever topic you please. So we’d love to hear from you for the next issue. Drop us a line today and tell us what gets your goat! The Essential Child team had a ball on May 1st when we attended the Japanese Children’s Day festival in the Coffs Harbour Botanic Gardens. It was a thrill to meet so many of you and your children. Thanks to everyone who completed

e s e n a Jap Day. s ’ n e r d l Chi

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our 2011 Readers’ Survey on the day. It gave us fantastic insight into who you are and what you like to read about. We hope Deborah of Coffs Harbour, the lucky winner of our Survey Competition, is enjoying her prize – a beautiful wall sticker from Baby Bella, Coffs Harbour. I felt honoured to discover that for 88% of you, Essential Child is the only parenting magazine you read. Knowing this has inspired our team to work harder than ever to bring you the best, most relevant articles and advice we can. We also discovered that our Handy Hint page was the most popular page with 72% of you regularly reading the column. See page 7 for more hints.

he t t u o b a d r ea Have you h Captured g very excit in hy p a r g o t o h p Wit h Love et? y n o i t i t e p m co nd find a 0 1 e g a p Tur n to ld u o c d l i h c r u out how yo ur o f o r e v o c grace t he ! Spring issue

Nearly half of respondents told us you want to read more about primary age children and we’ve listened! Much of the content in this issue is very relevant to that age group, as well as to younger children. Last, but by no means least, I’m thrilled to announce the safe arrival of Eleanor Grace, daughter of Sam, our art director and his partner Jodie and sister to Josie. She is absolutely beautiful and we couldn’t be prouder. Congratulations, guys!

Sarah xx

Welcome Baby Eleano r!

Letters to the editor. letters@essentialchild.com.au

Featured Letter

Next issue’s featured letter will win a copy of “Let’s Party: Additive Free” by Melanie Avery. Email us at letters@essentialchild.com.au or snail mail PO Box 1587, Coffs Harbour, NSW, 2450

What do we want for our girls? Jan’s soapbox about gender specific toys in your autumn edition and the related photo on the Essential Child blog were on my mind when I heard media reports of child pageants coming to Australia. I think it is time we had a good think about what we want for our girls. Do we want them to see their worth only in terms of how they look? I seethe with fury about the sexualisation of little girls in pageants, with the make-up, Madonna-like cones on their little chests, and provocative moves. Not to mention the mother who was using botox on her little one! But then I think it’s cute when my three-year-old wants to have a turn with my eye-shadow and blush! Am I being hypocritical? Tracie, Korora Food for thought, Tracie. Your prize of a copy of “Let’s Party: Additive Free” by Melanie Avery is on its way to you.

Happy Hour Thank you for your article about the witching hour. Since adopting some of your ideas, dinner-preparation time at our house is now (at least most days) a lot happier. One problem though! One evening I followed the advice about giving my toddler a job to do. He happily ‘washed’ the frozen peas, but also ate nearly all of them! Luckily there were more in the pack, and at least he had a good lot of vegies that day. Adam, Coffs Harbour

Reading is a means to an end I refer to the article ’Promoting Reading At Home’ (Autumn 2011). Reading should be only an essential tool, a means to the end of promoting meaning, curiosity, understanding, valuing, and ultimately, true education, which is the knowledge and understanding of complex relationships. These should be emphasised to new young readers. AJ Turner, Behavioural Consultant

Competition winners Moo Goo Competition We were overwhelmed by the interest in this competition. Thank you to everyone who entered. The winner of the Moo Goo products generously donated by Bath, Body & Soul, Park Beach Plaza, is Vivien Wright of Emerald Beach. Congratulations Vivien! Your gift pack is on its way.

Facebook Competition We asked you to tell us on our Facebook page about your favourite children’s book. Thanks for the great comments! The comment that we liked best was posted by Donna Alderman whose favourite book is I Love You, Stinky Face. Congratulations Donna. The three books are in the post to you.

Out of the mouths of babes. When my two children were building with blocks, and my 3 year-old asked her 5 year-old brother ‘What are you building?” he answered “I’m building a relationship”!! Melissa, Coffs Harbour My daughter, 5, had been ‘typing’ on my computer, and she told me she was writing a story. When I asked what it was about she replied, “I don’t know – I can’t read.” Margot, Woolgoolga I was recently sitting on the lounge with my 3yr old while my husband was cooking dinner, and 3 yr old asked, “What’s that disgusting smell?” When I told him I couldn’t smell anything disgusting he replied, “Smell with your sniff!” Trish, Korora Miss Nearly-3 was watching European football with her father, when a goal was scored. She shouted, “Look Dad! The mens are cuddling! Aww, that’s nice.” Sarah, Essential Child Noticing some Weetbix on my son’s face that I missed with the cloth, I wiped it with my wet thumb. My three year old recoiled in horror and said, “Mum, dry your hands on the tea towel, not on me!” Penny, Coffs Harbour Mr 5 climbed into bed with me the other morning, gave me a lovely cuddle and sweetly informed me, “Mummy, you smell of old potatoes.” Giselle, Urunga My 4 year old daughter, after we tried in vain to get her to at least try her dinner, said “Mum, I’ll try the slow cooked beef when I am a little older, when I am 35, ok?” Jessica, Sydney My son, 6, is desperate to get a dog, but his father is allergic to animals. One day, his dad came home from work to be greeted by the words: “Dad, I wish you were dead, then I could get a dog.” Denise, Woolgoolga

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TIPS:

clamps e heavy-duty Look for som nt ou sc di e store or at a hardwar e or m h uc m e shop - they ar t the gs, and preven secure than pe ually in nt co ts ee sh frustrations of falling (or two) e ‘tent-pole’ Make a flexibl ndle into g a broom ha by cementin e can be es th y, nce dr a plant pot. O stant out for an in used inside or y. bb t for a cu anchor poin

We love... cubby houses! W

ho doesn’t love a cubby house? No matter where you live – house or unit, rented or owned – you can create a special hideaway for your child. You don’t need to be a carpenter or architect to do it either. Here are some ideas to get you started: • In your back yard, tie two or more pieces of sturdy string or rope from the fence to a central anchor point – a clothes line, a tall tent pole, a tree etc – then secure sheets over the top and sides. Lay down a picnic blanket (I found this patchwork quilt at Vinnies!), throw down some cushions and get the tea set out! • For an easy inside cubby, try a large sheet over a card table. If it’s an old sheet, you could cut out some windows and let your child decorate

the sheet with fabric paints. Then you have a cubby ready to go for a rain day. • Alternatively, a pack of silks can become just about anything, and they are perfect for making a cubby. Tie them together, or clamp them to a table – or even use something heavy to keep them in place (such as rocks from the garden).

over the hoop. Secure the tent from a hook in the ceiling – a wonderful space for reading, thinking or imagining. [SJR]

• An impressive canopy tent can be easily made for a child’s bedroom from ready-made lightweight curtains with tabs at the top. Thread rope – approx 1cm wide – through the tabs to create a drawstring. Tie four lengths of rope (approx 50cm long) at equal distances from each other to a cane or metal hoop (approx 50-60cm diameter) and knot together in the centre. Position the curtains over the hoop and hold the rope up so that the curtains drape

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Kinesiology. Lesley Kennedy explains this safe, effective, natural therapy for children and babies.

inesiology is a complementary therapy that can help bring the body into balance, optimizing health and well-being. It can be very effective with children in many areas such as dyslexia, allergies, fears and phobias, learning difficulties, autism, anxiety, attention deficit disorders, and trauma.

Empowering children with these simple tools and techniques will help them to identify positive changes in their body. Imbalance in energy systems can be caused by a whole range of things including pain, emotions, toxins, artificial food additives and colours, foods, chemicals and electromagnetic appliances. Kinesiology works with the body on all levels, structurally, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The most well known form of this approach is ” Touch for Health” which was developed in the 1970’s. Other forms are known as Brain Gym, Educational Kinesiology and Neuro Linguistics. Kinesiology uses muscle monitoring to identify stressors and imbalances in the central nervous system. The therapist simply applies light pressure to an arm or leg and asks the client to meet that pressure while answering yes or no questions. A softness in the response from the muscle lets the therapist know that corrections are needed to strengthen that muscle and bring the body back into balance. These corrections could include holding or rubbing points on the body, simple exercises, games and dances or changes in diet or environment. These simple techniques can leave the child feeling balanced, grounded and more energized. The accessing of the central nervous

such amazing and powerful effects on children and babies. Many children with learning difficulties have trouble with right/left brain integration and kinesiology has many techniques to help improve this. Also because it helps reduce stress in the body, ease pain, and promote energy flow, it can assist in making learning an easy and enjoyable experience. Kinesiology can teach a child to recognise when they are “out of balance” – that is, experiencing low energy, certain food cravings, feeling unhappy or sensing discomfort in the body - and give them the simple techniques or exercises to rebalance. Children will love the feeling of being switched on and balanced. Empowering them with these simple tools and techniques will help them to identify positive changes in their body – this is an amazing gift that can last a lifetime.

system is what makes this an effective treatment for babies and young children, as not everything has to be communicated verbally to the practitioner. Generally babies and children up to 5 years of age are not capable of responding to muscle monitoring, so a surrogate testing method is used. Most often this would involve the parent holding the child while muscles are tested. One simple and greatly effective Kinesiology technique is, “cross crawling”, which integrates the left and right hemisphere of the brain. Movement across the midline ensures more information taken in is retained. Parents can assist their young children or babies by moving opposite arm, to opposite knee, this can be done at any time, and is great to enhance movement and thinking. “Switching On” is another easy technique that can be used when the energy or electricity is not moving optimally between brain and body. The popularity of Kinesiology is growing due to its reputation of helping people transform, move and develop through their issues permanently. Generally, young children are unable to express their emotions and feelings, or communicate with an adult how they are feeling. However they have the ability to accept change and move with it fairly easily. So this is why kinesiology has

Kinesiology is also an effective therapy when working with the primitive and postural reflexes. These reflexes enable infants to survive and gain nutrition for growing. They also facilitate learning to move, i.e. wiggle, lift and turn head, roll, crawl etc. If these reflexes do not emerge, a child’s long-term physical and neurological development can be affected. Kinesiology is effective in identifying when these reflexes have not developed properly. It is very important that the reflexes integrate at the correct stage of development. Activities such as games, dance and music can help assist the progress and integration of these reflexes. Some great resources for parents and educators are Brendan O’Hara ‘s easy-touse Kinesiology based materials, such as ‘Movement and Learning’, ‘Wombat and his Mates’ book and CD and the Beanbag Games. Another great resource is a little book called ‘Kinesiology for Kids’ by Toni Gralton. Lesley Kennedy Lesley Kennedy is a Registered Kinesiology Practitioner with a practice in Woolgoolga. She is currently completing counselling studies majoring in child development and has 11 years early childhood experience. For an appointment with Lesley, call 66549557 or 0409549489.

essential child

Love is not enough. Child and Family Psychologist Katharine Cook asks the confronting question: what makes YOU a good parent?

ow would you respond if you were asked what makes you a good parent? Would you describe your love and affection for your child? Would you say that your heart is bursting with tenderness and feeling? If you would, then think again. Love itself does not make you a good parent.

Anyone can love a child, but not everyone can give a child the feeling of safety and security. That is what makes a good parent. On a current affairs programme recently, a very high profile footballer was quizzed about his extramarital affairs, betrayal of his wife, problematic gambling and drug and alcohol abuse. After describing how his wife finally left him, taking their two children, he was asked, “Are you a good dad?” His response was, “Yes, I love them”. This answer highlights how this man, like many other parents miss the point completely. Love is not enough to make us good parents.

essential child

Just like the old adage about the proof being in the pudding, confirmation of our success as parents is in the effect we have on our children, not just in our feelings towards them.

who want to feel that they are doing a good job with their children. It is your child’s feelings of safety and security that determine whether you are doing a good job.

Let’s consider a baby’s perspective. They are born into a world that doesn’t make sense to them. They are completely dependent on adults to fulfil their needs. They don’t know how to control their environment and they don’t know how to manage their own feelings. Toddlers have tantrums and meltdowns because things don’t make sense to them. Although this can be frustrating for parents, it is our job to help them try to understand what is going on both externally and internally.

Unfortunately, despite their deep love for their children, parents don’t always act in loving ways.

When I was learning to drive a car at the age of 16, I remember being constantly frustrated with my parents who were trying to teach me. I recall shouting at my mother “but I am driving carefully!” and “I didn’t go around the corner too quickly!” My mother then said something that has stuck with me for life: “You will know that you are a good driver, if your passenger feels safe and comfortable. You cannot say that you are a good driver because you feel happy with your skills, while the person next to you is terrified for their life”. It is not your experience of feeling good or competent that determines your success; it is how the other person experiences what you do. “Does my child feel safe?” could therefore be the mantra for all parents

For example, when parents separate and children are involved, in most cases both parents undoubtedly love their children dearly. Despite this, many parents find it extremely difficult to behave in a way that keeps their children feeling safe and secure. Children may be used as pawns in the battle between adults, asked to report on the other parent’s behaviour or encouraged, subtly or otherwise, to choose between parents. During separation and divorce, some of the most loving parents can act in a way that is harmful to their child, often as a result of being consumed with feelings of anger, jealousy, guilt, and hurt towards their former partner. When a parent is overcome by his or her own needs, it becomes very difficult to put the needs of children first. During any time of stress and strain, it is even more important to reflect on how our behaviour and actions affect our children. How does the child make sense of this situation? How can I minimise the trauma and feelings of loss? During these difficult times, it is important to remember that although you may love your child dearly, it is more important that you act and behave in a way that

keeps your child feeling safe and secure, despite the huge change in both their life and your life. Some of the most awful damage to children has been committed by people who love their children. I worked with a father, Tim, who shook his baby so hard that she was left brain damaged. He pleaded with me that he loved his little girl, but just “snapped” when she didn’t stop crying. I knew a mum, Mila, who was in and out of drug rehab, and whose three year old boy had been in ten foster care placements. After managing to be drug free for over a year she had her son returned to her care but sadly, a couple of years later, she had an overdose and died. She was one of the most loving mums I have ever known. So despite Tim’s and Mila’s capacity to love, and no matter how much they told their children that they loved them, the effect of their behaviour on their children was devastating. Love was not enough to make them “good parents”.

. s t n i h y Hand Dramatic play can be extended with common items found around the home or at the shops.

These stories help us to understand that feelings of love towards children do not necessarily mean that the children experience something positive. Reflecting on our own behaviour can help us to answer that question about what makes us a good parent. We could start by asking: “Am I helping my child to make sense of the world?” “What am I teaching my child?” and “ Does my behaviour help him or her feel safe and secure?” Consistency is one important factor to consider. Routine and “sameness” mean that there are no surprises. When a little person is trying to understand how things work in the world, it is so reassuring for them when their parent is gentle and predictable! Safety and security is not overprotection. It is not keeping your child by your side every second and it is not ’wrapping them in cotton wool‘. It is providing a reliable base from which they can explore. It is helping them work out what they are feeling. It is helping them understand why the world works in the way it does. So what will you say if you are asked what makes you a good parent? I hope you will strive to say something along the lines of “Well, I think about how my actions and behaviour affects my child. I try my best, and make mistakes, but I believe that my child is happy, feels safe and secure and is learning how the world works”. Anyone can love a child, but not everyone can give a child the feeling of safety and security. That is what makes a good parent. Katharine Cook

• Coloured & textured placemats:- grass, water, mud or heli-pads • Wooden door stops:- trees or car ramps • Soap dish holders:- animal troughs, ladder, bath, fence or gate • Stones:- seats, letterbox or a petrol pump. • Measuring cups:- space ship

• Introduce the concept of ‘last turn’ as early as possible. This phrase helps children prepare for the end of an experience like at the playground or at pack away time. Siblings and older children can use a timer and take responsibility for monitoring their own turns and negotiate how long turns will be. • A medical toy set can be very helpful for children to explore going to the doctors, especially if they are fearful of needles. Children can practice on their toys or Mum and Dad a few weeks before the appointment and will be prepared for what will happen. • Store left over peeled fresh ginger in the freezer in a zip lock bag. Just take out when needed and grate frozen.

ssibilit ies There are lots of po y that fo r op en ended pla get; so won’t break the bud on at the ti ec s y to e th id o av tive! shops and be crea

• Hommus is a great healthy snack option. Serve as a dip with crackers or vegetable sticks or use as a butter replacement on sandwiches. Make your own, or buy from the dips section at your supermarket. • Encourage children to help ‘write’ the supermarket shopping list. They can pretend to write or draw their favourite items. Makes a great literacy experience and also helps to avoid impulse buys of toys and lollies because this has been discussed before going. • Photograph children’s artworks or block building constructions and make a computer slide show. A great way to revisit their creations on a rainy day or as a quiet activity before bedtime. Jodie Smith

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Recip es!

Winter fr uits! Brown sugar pavlova with caramelised mandarines For the pav: 110g caster sugar 110g soft, light brown sugar Â˝ tsp mixed spice 4 large eggs, whites only 1 tsp cornflour

Quinces and mandarines are two of the beautiful fruits that are in season in winter. Try cooked quinces with custard or ice-cream for a delicious family treat. And while this caramelised mandarine pavlova is not the simplest of recipes, it really is worth the effort (you could always use a store-bought pavlova base if you are very short of time.) Serve these at your next special family occasion and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re sure to impress the masses!

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For the mandarines: 120g caster sugar 6 mandarines, peeled, segmented and peel cut into slivers 2 cinnamon sticks For the top: 1x 250g tub of mascarpone 150g Greek yoghurt 1. Preheat oven to 170C, fan-forced 150C, gas 3. Line the base and sides of a springform cake tin (20cm round x 6.5 cm deep) with baking paper. 2. Sieve sugars and mixed spice together. Whisk egg whites until stiff, then add the sugar mixture, a tablespoon at a time, whisking constantly until thick and glossy. Whisk in the cornflour until just combined. Spoon into the cake tin and bake on a low shelf in the oven for 25 minutes. Turn the oven off, without opening the door, and leave pavlova to cool in the oven for one hour. 3. To make the mandarines, add the sugar to a large non-stick frying pan over a medium heat. As the sugar starts to melt, tilt the pan gently to melt it evenly and cook until the sugar is a hazelnut-brown colour. Carefully pour in 75ml cold water, from a distance as it will spit, then stir as it will seize slightly, then dissolve again. Gently add the mandarine segments, the slivered peel and cinnamon sticks. Simmer for 5 mins until caramelised. Leave to cool, then remove cinnamon sticks. 4. In a separate bowl, mix the mascarpone with the Greek yoghurt. 5. To assemble the pavlova, carefully remove the meringue from the tin, discard the paper and place on a serving plate. Spoon on the yoghurt mixture, top with the caramelised mandarines and serve.

Poached quinces While raw quince may be an acquired taste, when cooked this fruit is a luscious, deep-red treat. Quinces take a lot of cooking, but once the initial preparation is done, you only need patience! Try some poached in this light syrup. First, prepare the syrup. Place in a heavy saucepan: 3 cups of water 1 cup of sugar 1 vanilla bean (or some pure vanilla essence) 2 cloves Juice of half a lemon Heat gently, stirring until the sugar is all dissolved. Peel 3 quinces, cut into quarters, cut out the cores, then slice. Place the quince slices immediately into the syrup to avoid discolouration. Simmer the fruit in the syrup very slowly until it is deep red. This may take 2-3 hours. Split the vanilla bean and scrape the seeds into the syrup. Remove the bean pod and the cloves Serve with icecream, cream or custard and some of the syrup. Delicious! Serves 4

Hint: Refrigerate le ftsyrup (fo r a week over o to us e to p oach oth r so) er Pears are good th fr uit. is w Co re them by cutt ay. in a cone-shap e from g bottom of the fr uit the , leav the stem intact. Th ing p oach until tender. en T will take a m uch hey sho rt time than the quin er ces. Bound to impress!

Stepfamilies

re book tu ic p l u tf h g li e d e p.12 of th See the review on Masciu llo ia c u L d n a e n a K Kim “Fam ily Fo rest” by

A family forest, not a family tree!

Jo Field, Kids Connections Program Co-ordinator of Interrelate Coffs Harbour, describes the complexities in the relationships of the blended family.

tepfamilies face unique and often unrecognised challenges for all family members, including past histories, disciplining children and divided loyalties. Making a success of a blended family can take determination, patience and a generous spirit. Make no mistake, it can be hard going. But when it works, the rewards are worth it.

Making a success of your blended family often takes hard work and effort. The latest figures from the Australian Bureau of Statistics show that around one in five families is a blended or stepfamily, where children from the parents’ current and previous relationships live in the same household. Most of these setups come about when people begin a new relationship after a divorce – and more than half of parents who separate do re-partner. Research shows that such families are the single fastest growing family configuration and are anticipated to be the dominant family type in the next century*. While it is generally known that stepfamilies are `born of loss’, the many losses individuals in stepfamilies experience are often not recognised, articulated or sanctioned either within our culture or by stepfamily members themselves. Whether formed by separation and divorce, as most are today, or the death of a parent, more common in previous times, it is clear that loss in both cases is the precursor to stepfamily life. It is noteworthy that the loss experienced after separation is often expressed as anger, whereas the loss experienced after the death of a spouse is usually expressed as grief. However, the complex feelings emanating from both divorce and death have their source in loss. Daniela Zimmerman, the training and

education manager for Stepfamilies Australia, shares a few tips on forging a successful blended family. • Don’t expect your blended family to run smoothly from the word go. There will be hiccups … that’s just the way life is! • Focus on building relationships and don’t hurry the process. It’s not going to be instant happy families, in fact it will probably take years. “You need to leave the young people a bit of space so that they can make the contact. They decide how close they want to be and that can lead to quite strong friendships,” says Daniela. “It can be a great role for a step-parent, to be another adult in that relationship; someone that young people can bounce ideas off without getting jumped on.” • Step-parents should try to have time with the children doing something fun, whether that’s bike riding or teaching them a new skill – it shows the kids that their step-parent cares about them. • Families need to respect the stage the children are at. Younger kids often find it easier to adapt to a blended family set-up. Adolescents are at a stage where they want to be with their friends and move out! “They’re looking outwards when the family is looking inwards,” says Daniela. “Often when stepfamilies try to force adolescents to be part of the unit and do everything together, it doesn’t work very well.” • Develop a working relationship with the ex-partner and try to avoid getting caught up in battles. As Daniela points

out, while it’s not great for children to have later bedtimes or sugary cereals at their other parent’s home, it’s a lot more dangerous for everyone’s mental health to be caught up in conflict every day. • Decide your roles. Discipline can be one of the most difficult issues in stepfamilies. It takes teamwork and discussion. After setting up some family rules (with the kids’ input as well), it’s a good idea for the biological parent – whether it’s the mum or the dad – to implement discipline at first. Stepfathers, especially, will find it better if they initially focus on the care giving role rather than being a disciplinarian. • Keep talking. Good communications are especially important in blended families with their complicated relationships. Humour and tolerance will go a long way, too. “Don’t take the emotional reactions too personally,” says Daniela. • Get support. Don’t be shy about getting some support. Making a success of your blended family often takes hard work and effort. Interrelate Family Centres all over NSW have become the official branch of Stepfamilies Australia offering specialised advice and courses to support the step parenting journey. To contact Interrelate Coffs Harbour phone Jo on 66 59 4150 or email joanne.field@ interrelate.org.au * (Ihinger-Tallman & Pasley, 1997) Jo Field

essential child

PREGNANCY, INFANCY AND EARLY CHILDHOOD

SPRING 2011

ISSUE 11

WANT TO SEE YOUR CHILD ON OUR COVER?

Your child could be featured on the cover of Essential Child Magazine’s Spring 2011 issue! To enter simply email Captured with Love Photography a recent image of your child, along with their age and your contact details! We will select 3 shortlist finalists who will win a FREE photoshoot with us on location including outfit & styling!! The judging panel will then select the winning image to feature on the cover of Essential Child!!

Get your entries in competition@capturedwithlove.com.au by 5pm on Friday 5th August 2011.

For full terms and conditions visit Captured with Love Photography’s website www.capturedwithlove.com.au

www.capturedwithlove.com.au

Parents to the rescue! Local parenting consultant, Rowena Parkes, asks us to stop and think before jumping to our child’s rescue when difficulties arise.

ery often we parents are quick to rush in and try to make our children happy at all costs. We love our children so much that if they seem unhappy, we often try to fix things for them, rather than empower them to fix things themselves.

to respect healthy, protective boundaries for themselves and others. Many children require time to practice social skills such as joining in established games, including others in play, and learning how to deal with conflict. Parents can mention to other parents that they are reinforcing these skills and invite children over for a play.

Rather than following this impulse of ‘parent to the rescue,’ parents can instead help children develop the tools they need to deal with unhappy situations. This helps children become better equipped to face the challenging situations and setbacks that life may present on their journey into and through adulthood. When our child meets an obstacle that causes her to feel unhappy, and we feel the urge to fix things, a good first step is to look at our own motives. A quick ‘check in’ often reveals that we feel fearful for our child, or even guilty about our parenting. A common scenario is where a child experiences difficulty or conflict with friends at school. Sometimes this can bring up an unhappy memory for the parent, perhaps of feeling alone without friends at school. It may bring up guilt for the parents with thoughts such as ‘perhaps I work too much’ or ‘what have I done wrong to have a child with social problems?’ Because of these strong feelings, parents often respond by wanting to remove the problem instantly. But solving the problem for the child may mean similar problems will keep coming back in different guises. When protective, parental sirens are blazing, blaming frequently occurs. Other children involved are blamed, maybe the other parents or even the teacher is found liable. When this is the response, the solution is taken away from the child, while she learns to feel that ‘it is always someone else’s fault’. She learns that she is a victim of circumstances, either powerless or entitled to someone else solving the problem. More often than not, she is unable to accept any responsibility for her actions and the consequences. A further outcome can be an expectation of happiness at all costs without effort. The side effect of this belief is that the child may not develop the inner resources to control her own happiness – and this can have impact throughout adult life. Unwittingly, well-

Constructive feedback when your child is using new skills to sort out a problem, gives him confidence to transfer the learning to other situations. He is encouraged to know that he is part of the solution and that the answer to resolving a problem is already there – one just has to find it!

motivated parents may help to support an end result that they would not consciously choose for their child! In working with parents who are upset, for example, by their child’s difficulty with friendships, I first help them identify any external factors. I then assist them to identify the role their child is playing in the problem. When encouraged to look at how they can empower their child in this situation, parents often discover there are many solutions. The setback can become a gateway for new and valuable learning and growth for their child. Parents no longer do the work but help guide and support their child to do the work himself. The solutions will vary depending on the age of the child. Younger children can practice saying, “Stop! I don’t like it!” using a strong voice and hand signal, then asking for help and support if this request is not heeded. I have watched even timid, shy, 4 to 5 year olds learn to practice this and use it effectively with great delight (like traffic controllers when the traffic lights aren’t working!) Rather than feeling like a victim, they become empowered to be safe in their surroundings and learn to speak out confidently – negotiating their environment when something is making them feel uncomfortable. This skill can be built upon so they continue to learn

Setbacks that children face are often a natural doorway to developing inner resources and valuable life skills, such as fitting in with others, creative problem solving, resilience, perseverance and initiative. These are skills very much needed by children as they face the demands of a rapidly changing world. Rowena Parkes Rowena Parkes is a parenting consultant and a qualified teacher with over 25 years experience. She lives in Sawtell and is available for parent consultations, phone coaching and preschool/school workshops for parents of children aged 2 - 12yrs. Parenting Made Easy Phone: 02 6658 5949 or 0432 609 162

Down to Birth childbirth support and education

• Prenatal support. • Birth support

both hospital and home.

• Postnatal care & nurturing. • 6 week holistic prenatal workshop series contact for upcoming dates.

• One-on-one birth education sessions.

Contact Penny Burrows childbirth educator

Phone: 6655 2343 Mobile: 0457 724 086 Email: downtobirth@bigpond.com

essential child

One Wo rld, Many Sto ries.

Family Forest

By Ursula Dubosarky Illustrated by Mitch Vane An ‘Aussie Nibbles’ book from Puffin books

By Kim Kane Illustrated by Lucia Masciullo Hardie Grant Egmont

Becky loves her swimming lessons. She is so good at being a frog, she’s ready to become a platypus. But moving up to the platypus group means venturing up to the deep end of the pool and she’s not at all sure she’s ready for that. She looked down to the end of the big pool, and read the words, painted in black on the wall: DEEP END. It was so far away! And the water was so dark and waving. Who knew what was lurking down there? However help is at hand. Becky’s swimsuit has a picture of a girl riding a seahorse printed on it, and Becky has a very lively imagination. These two things combine to help her cope with her first lesson in the deep end. Aussie Nibbles are short stories aimed at young readers who are tackling their very first chapter books. While the language in this book is aimed at the early school years, I have been surprised that it has been requested several times by my 2½-year-old granddaughter. The themes of swimming and overcoming fear may account for its wider appeal.

Home Based childcare! • A safe, secure and stimulating home environment with small groups of up to five children. • Flexible hours matched to individual family needs. • Your child benefits by having the same carer, every day. • Mixed ages create a unique learning environment

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Half-sisters, big brothers, step-parents… While some kids have a family tree, others have a family forest!

Here we review three of the sho rtlisted children’s p icture books.

Family Forest approaches complex modern family structures in a very lighthearted entertaining way. As the child narrator introduces her family members they are first portrayed visually in a literal manner— only half of her halfsister appears on the page, for instance— and then amended by the illustrator later. In this way, relationships such as half-siblings, stepmothers, partners and even big siblings are clearly and humorously explained. The vibrant pencil and watercolour pictures enhance the humour of the simple text. Each child shows physical similarities to one parent – a good conversation starter about families, whether a forest or a tree. Family Forest isn’t just for children from blended families. It is a lovely, entertaining way to show children that loving families come in all shapes and sizes. The book would lend itself well to preschools and younger school classrooms.

Look see, look at me! By Leonie Norrington Illustrated by Dee Huxley Allen & Unwin I’m so much bigger now I’m three. I can run, I can jump, I can swing, I can bump, I can hop and wiggle. This exuberant picture book is a delightful exploration of childhood, particularly within an Aboriginal community. While most of the experiences and actions expressed in the text are ones to which children and parents of every background can relate, the illustrations set the action outdoors in a remote community with trees, ochre landscapes, even crocodiles adding interest for children from other parts of Australia and, importantly a setting to which children from such isolated communities will relate. The creators visited three northern communities and workshopped ideas for the text and illustrations, creating a delightful celebration of childhood and community life. The text of Look see, look at me! is very simple, with mostly one phrase per double page, making it suitable for 2-4 year-olds. [PJP]

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ws.

The Deep End

evie Book R

The theme fo r 2011 Book Week (20th 26th August) is

Overcoming Overcoming Visual Visual Dyslexia Dyslexia

Nerida Crowe, an Irlen Dyslexia Consultant and Primary School Teacher, provides hope for children whose learning is affected by visual dyslexia.

erida was intrigued at the number of students she came across in her classes who were struggling because of the learning difficulty Irlen Syndrome, also called Visual Dyslexia. She discovered that ten to twenty percent of students in our schools today are suffering with Irlen Syndrome, a genetic condition which affects reading, spelling, comprehension, concentration and self-esteem. People with Irlen Syndrome / Visual Dyslexia often find reading a challenge. They may have poor reading fluency; sometimes skipping words or lines, repeating lines or losing their place when reading. They can confuse letters, words and/or numbers e.g. b/d, p/q, was/saw, on/no, 237/273. Some Irlen students can forget sounds and basic words, and may have trouble sounding out words. Spelling and comprehension can also be a challenge for those with Irlen Syndrome.

Words or letters may move, double, seem lighter and/or darker, merge with words on the line above or below. Irlen Syndrome sufferers can have a limited concentration span and may become distracted or disruptive in the classroom. They may have difficulty with handwriting or other fine motor skills. For children and adults with this condition, one or a few of the following distortions may occur on the page while reading. Words or letters may move, double, seem lighter and/or darker, merge with words on the line above or below, float up off the page or sink into the page, or appear in a spiralling motion. Words may not always seem to be on straight lines and the punctuation can fade or disappear. The white background of the page can seem to dominate the black text and appear bright or glary. Some people will experience flashes of light or colour on the page or see white rivers running down through the text (from the white spaces between the words). Often when

these distractions occur the child can experience eyestrain and fatigue and may prefer to look away from the page, seeming disinterested. The difficulty for someone with Irlen Syndrome is that what they see on the printed page seems normal to them. They assume that is how the page and the words are supposed to look so they often will not report seeing any distortions. Some people with Irlen Syndrome can be clumsy. They may veer into you when walking beside you, knock into objects, spill drinks or like to hold onto the railing when walking on stairs. They can have poor hand-writing, have difficulty catching a tennis ball on the full and find tying shoelaces a challenge. Any of these difficulties can interfere significantly with reading, self esteem and motivation and can contribute to lack of concentration, fatigue when reading, frustration and delayed learning at school. Unfortunately, Irlen Syndrome cannot be detected with educational assessments in schools or by optometrists or eye specialists, so people suffering with this learning difficulty are often misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. Fortunately, there is a solution. Irlen Syndrome can be remedied by wearing Irlen Spectral Filter Lenses, which

eliminate or significantly reduce the distortions and distractions that occur on the page. They diminish the brightness of the page and allow for continuous reading, without regular disturbances. There are over 800 Irlen colours that can provide a solution for each individualâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s perceptual problems. Aside from Visual Dyslexia, Nerida also works with people with dyslexia who experience problems with auditory processing. Auditory processing is associated with how the brain processes what the ears hear. It is not a problem with the hearing but what the brain does with what it hears. Some indicators of auditory processing difficulties include: delayed speech, stuttering, mumbling or problems with articulation as children get older, delayed responses when spoken to and/ or difficulty putting their thoughts into words. They may have problems following a set of instructions, misinterpret messages, find random loud noises and noisy environments uncomfortable and/or they may speak loudly. If you feel your child is suffering with any of these visual or auditory difficulties and you would like further information please contact Nerida Crowe at the Irlen Dyslexia Clinic on 6658 8088. Nerida Crowe

essential child