Christmas Shopping

PRESENT AND CORRECT?

It’s the time of peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, but how do you negotiate the festive minefield that is buying Christmas presents? Giles Brown takes a break from dinging his dong merrily on high, stops hovering hopefully beneath the mistletoe, and brings us his guide to seasonal gifting.

As the song goes, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. But away from the festive frolicking and parties, buying gifts for your nearest and dearest, not to mention work colleagues, can easily turn into the Nightmare before Christmas. It wasn’t always so. Growing up in the 70s, a bottle of Brut 33 for the men and Tia Maria for the ladies normally did the trick.

But we have moved on from then. With the advent of the Internet and millions of online shopping websites, Christmas gifts are now expected to have more of a ‘wow’ factor.

Even the once simple pleasures of putting up Christmas decorations are now a challenging experience. Bunging up a few bits of tinsel the week before simply won’t do. Some Marbella villas go all in with the themed Christmas experience – complete with massive tree and designer baubles – perfect for the inevitable seasonal selfie.

You have to carefully time the purchase of the aforementioned tree, decorations and gifts as well. Marbella may not have the population of Madrid, but I vividly remember the Christmas car park chaos at La Cañada one year. My then girlfriend insisted that we stuck with Italian tradition and buy a tree the weekend before Christmas. The whole experience resembled a disaster movie where desperate crowds fight to leave a building before the Zombie Apocalypse or flee a city before the meteor hits. After two hours trying to get out of the car park, I was praying for a direct asteroid strike to put me out of my misery.

You can, of course, pick out your presents online and have them delivered to your door. But that brings its own drawbacks as well. With small businesses trying to bounce back after what could optimistically be called an ‘interesting’ 2021, plus the recent backlash in some quarters against Jeff Bezos and other online delivery firms, shopping local may be a more acceptable option. Plus you won’t have to endure the nail-biting situation as the clocks tick down to December 25 and the present for your beloved still hasn’t arrived, meaning that every time the doorbell rings you do a passable impersonation of Pavlov’s dog. Choice of gifts can also backfire badly. I lost count of the life coaching/ self-improvement/quit drinking manuals that I received in the early noughties, which I promptly used to prop up my wonky drinks cabinet. A book on interior design may result in the recipient thinking that you regard her house as a mess, ‘Twelve habits of successful people’, her life is a mess, and anything to with weight loss is an absolute no no!

Funny presents are also a tricky one, as you have to be absolutely sure that they share your sense of humour. Anything that features age jokes – such as a grumpy old man mug – may not go down well if they have just had a few nips and tucks. And not everyone thinks that Wicked Willy underwear is the ultimate in boudoir chic. ›

Anything meant as a surprise – such as fake snakes leaping out of mustard jars and the like – can also go badly wrong. I speak from personal experience on this one. As a small boy on Christmas morning, I was overjoyed that Santa had brought me a pedal go kart. Go karts in the 70s were hefty metallic affairs and, as I was excitedly going through my pillowcase of smaller presents from Santa (Blue Peter annual, Action Man, that sort of thing), I eagerly stuck my little hand in the bottom to grab the last present.

And pulled out a huge rubber spider.

Terrified, I let out a blood curdling shriek and catapulted backwards at high speed, smacking my head hard into the metallic frame of the go kart. I was lucky not be rushed to A&E, although I was a little dazed for the rest of Christmas Day. (In fairness, I was to spend a few more Christmas Days in a dazed state, but that may have had something to do with the early morning Bucks Fizz).

Talking of children, buying presents for the younger generation is also fraught with pitfalls. I might think that I am the cool, gun slinging slightly edgy ‘wicked uncle’ type, but nothing shows how out of touch I am than getting a T shirt with a cool logo on it, only to be disdainfully informed that it was ‘sooooo summer 2021’. Then there was the time I brought an Iron Man baseball cap, not knowing that he was from the wrong comic book universe. (Marvel versus DC apparently).

And while gifting music might seem a safe bet, the average Ariana Grande or Kid LAROI track now contains enough casual profanity to make hardened rap outfit N.W.A. blush.

So my advice for Christmas gifts this year? You can either duck out of the whole festive period entirely by turning off your mobile and having a two week social media detox, or go for the tried and tested favourites. As the saying goes, ‘For Christmas I was hoping for sex and cheques, but I ended up with socks and chocs’. Again! e