Becoming Bnei Mitzvah - The KJ Handbook (For the Parents)
Dear KJ Family, Mazal Tov on your child’s upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The entire KJ team is here to support you in planning this event. Please feel free to reach out to us if we can help in any way.
We are proud to offer you this booklet, which will help take the guesswork out of planning your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and will help you coordinate details.
More importantly, it will offer you suggestions to ensure that your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah will be a spiritual milestone for them.
I look forward to celebrating with you!
In order to help you plan and prepare for your Bnei Mitzvah, we have compiled this handbook to answer many of the questions you may have regarding the logistics and learning associated with the process. Please note the sample timeline and checklist inluded on pages 15-16.
Our hope is this handbook will assist you in understanding the activities involved in Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation. What follows is intended as a guide and so please do not feel obligated to follow this to the letter.
We encourage you to reach out with any questions along the way!
C O NTACTS
OUR CLERGY
Chaim Steinmetz
Senior Rabbi
212-774-5665 rcs@ckj.org
Roy Feldman
Associate Rabbi
212-774-5636 rrf@ckj.org
Meyer Laniado
Associate Rabbi KJ SEPHARDIC + FATHERS & SONS PROGRAM
212-774-5640 rml@ckj.org
Haskel Lookstein
Rabbi Emeritus
212-774-5650 rhl@ckj.org
Daniel Kraus
Director of Community Education + KJB SERVICE
212-774-5696 rdk@ckj.org
Rachel Kraus
Director of Community Education
WOMEN’S TEFILAH + BAT MITZVAH CLASS FOR MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS
rachel@ckj.org
SCHEDULING
To schedule a meeting with Rabbi Steinmetz: Dina Farhi
Executive Assistant
212-774-5648 dina@ckj.org
KJ date confirmation, room reservations, catering information and logistics:
Riva Alper
KJ Administrator
212-774-5670 riva@ckj.org
TORAH READING & PREP
Chaim Dovid Berson
Cantor
212-774-5626 cantor@ckj.org
Our KJ clergy are available for Torah reading lessons. There are additional teachers in the community - please contact Rabbi Feldman for more details.
RAMAZ CONTACT
Kenny Rochlin
Head of Institutional Advancemen
Contact for Bar/Bat Mitzvah Dates
212-774-8041 krock@ramaz.org
CATERER CONTACTS
At Kehilath Jeshurun & The Ramaz Middle School:
Foremost Caterers
Ira Shulman
201-664-2465, ext. 162 ira@foremostcaterers.com
Zami Caterers
Morris Zami
718-627-4945 morris@zamicaterers.com
Joey Zami joey@zamicaterers.com
8th Day Ari Silverman
201-214-0803, ext. 10 ari@8thdaycaterers.com
At The Ramaz Upper School:
Any caterer with KJ approved Rabbinic supervision may be used.
BECO MING BNEI MITZVAH
Scheduling
STEP 1: SELECT A DATE
Ramaz Students
The process of selecting a date for Ramaz students is coordinated through Alia Turitz. This will typically occur two years in advance of your child’s celebration. For girls this will be during 4th grade and for boys this will be during 5th grade.
JYC Students
Date selection will be discussed with JYC’s Director, who will then coordinate with the KJ office directly on behalf of the family. This is typically done when the children are in fifth grade/11 years old.
All Other Children
Please schedule a meeting with a KJ rabbi two years prior to your daughter’s 12th birthday or two years prior to your son’s 13th birthday. In addition, please contact KJ Administrator Riva Alper to request a date for your child’s ceremony. (Riva works with Kenny Rochlin to coordinate the date selection process.)
STEP 2: MEET WITH
A KJ RABBI
We recognize there are a diversity of backgrounds within our community and a Bar/Bat Mitzvah service can take many forms.
In order to ensure the celebration that is optimal for you and your child, we encourage every family to schedule a family meeting with a KJ rabbi as follows:
Ramaz Students
Immediately upon completion of the date selection process with Kenny Rochlin’s office.
JYC Students Speak with JYC Director.
All Other Families
Two years prior to your daughter’s 12th birthday or two years prior to your son’s 13th birthday.
STEP 3: RESERVE THE SPACE
FOR BOTH THE SYNAGOGUE SERVICE & CELEBRATION
After confirming a date with Ramaz, please contact Riva Alper to guarantee the space for your celebration at KJ.
Synagogue services are held in a number of different locations. In addition, there are many locations available for a reception following services. Please be sure to discuss the options with Riva and a KJ rabbi so that everything may be planned and reserved accordingly.
For more information about reception locations see options on page 11.
Synagogue Service & Location Options
In addition, many children elect to prepare a D’var Torah to deliver at the conclusion of the service/ceremony. These remarks may reflect on the importance of the weekly Parsha, a Chesed Project, or other topics of relevance to the Bnei Mitzvah.
Ramaz students are also invited to lead morning davening the week before or after their simcha at the Ramaz Middle School.
Please contact Jennifer Bernstein to arrange a mutually convenient date.
Bnei Mitzvah Reception Location Options
We encourage you to consider holding your Bnei Mitzvah celebration at KJ or in one of the Ramaz locations. KJ is the perfect place to host a family Shabbat dinner, an afternoon Kiddush or luncheon, or an evening party. In addition to the KJ Social Hall and the Heyman Auditorium, multiple spaces are available in the Ramaz Middle and Upper Schools. We are able to accommodate anything from a small family gathering to a large elaborate party.
Please contact Riva Alper, in the KJ office, for more information on reserving space at KJ and Ramaz. Riva will be able to answer all of your questions, will share what has worked well for many families, and will supply information on:
The approved caterers for the different KJ/Ramaz spaces
The fees associated with different KJ/Ramaz buildings and spaces
Building hours
The following locations are available to reserve and capacities for each room will be supplied by the caterer for various room set ups:
Kehilath Jeshurun
125 EASt 85tH StrEE t
Heyman Auditorium
Riklis Social Hall
Nakash Gymnasium
Ramaz Middle School
114 EASt 85tH StrEE t
Falk Auditorium
L1 Chapel
Lindenbaum Gymnasium
3rd Floor Terrace
Ramaz Upper School
60 EASt 78tH StrEE t
Kaufman Auditorium
Cayne Gymnasium
If you elect to host your reception offsite, please confirm the kashrut of the caterer with a KJ rabbi. We are happy to supply you with recommendations and contact information for kosher caterers.
Sponsoring the Main Kiddush
A lovely and meaningful way to include the entire community in your simcha is to sponsor the Main Kiddush following your Shabbat service, regardless of whether you and your guests plan to attend. Kiddush sponsorship opportunities are available at ckj.org/giving.
Logistics & Final Details
Three months before a child’s ceremony, families are encouraged to meet with Riva Alper and one of the KJ rabbis to discuss the logistics of the day, including the timing of services, family participation, your child’s inclusion in the synagogue bulletin, the Parsha learning process (if relevant) and the preparation of the Dvar Torah (if relevant).
ALIYOT & OTHER HONORS
We will also discuss honors available to your family including aliyot, ark opening/closing, hagbah and gelilah. A list of those being honored should be submitted no later than two weeks prior to the date of your simcha. The list should include the Hebrew names of all guests you would like to honor, together with their parent’s Hebrew names. This list should be submitted to Rabbi Feldman for the Main service, Rabbi Laniado for Sephardic minyan, or Rabbi Kraus for Beginners. The rabbi will then introduce you to the Gabbaim. The synagogue will try to accommodate as many of your requests as possible.
Please note that both a Hebrew and English transliteration of the necessary blessings are available on the Bimah for use by your honorees.
TORAH READING REHEARSALS
If you would like to schedule a final rehearsal in the room where you are holding the service/ ceremony we recommend this take place the week before the ceremony. Please contact Riva Alper to arrange a convenient time. Please note that many Bar/Bat Mitzvah tutors will also arrange for practice sessions in the room where the ceremony is taking place.
PHOTOGRAPHY
Should you wish to gain access to the sanctuary for photographs, please contact Riva Alper at the synagogue office well in advance to make arrangements during the week preceding your Shabbat celebration. These arrangements are to be made by appointment only. The Torah may not be removed from the ark for the purpose of taking photographs without permission from the synagogue.
Respect for Shabbat & Holidays
We ask that you please remind your invited guests that the synagogue is a sacred place and the use of all electronic devices, including but not limited to cell phones and cameras, are prohibited on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Men and boys should wear kippot while in the building, and all married male guests are encouraged to wear a Tallit. Married women are encouraged to wear a headcovering. It is common, although not required, for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah family to provide kippot for men and head coverings for women.
Timing of Services
Shabbat morning services begin promptly at 9:00 a.m., whether or not your family is present. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah family is encouraged to arrive fifteen minutes before the service begins. Please urge all of your guests to arrive on time and remain throughout the service.
Flowers for the Bimah & Elsewhere
Many families elect to order flowers for placement on the Bimah or next to the podium where the Bnei Mitzvah speeches are given. Please ask Riva Alper for information on when floral arrangements should be delivered and size recommendations.
EDUCATIO NAL PREP
What Does Each Bar & Bat Mitzvah Need to Learn?
Each Bnei Mitzvah ceremony is unique and can be adapted to best suit the child. These aspects of the ceremony are often learned by each student: 1 Tefilot (Prayers)
Weekly Services
Attending weekly services is one of the simplest and most often overlooked methods to prepare your child for their Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This is even more crucial starting two years before the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
There is no substitute for frequent exposure to the liturgy, practice with Hebrew, and the support of sitting beside a parent who takes the time to prioritize communal prayer.
Additional Community
Learning Opportunities
JYC Families
Discuss all learning options available with JYC leadership.
Children with Learning Differences
KJ will work with you and your family to arrange a meaningful service that is possible for any type of learner.
There are excellent professionals within the KJ and Ramaz community who have significant experience working with children with learning differences. Please contact Rabbi Steinmetz to arrange a meeting to discuss the various possibilities.
Private Tutoring
READING TORAH
Many students who are reading from the Torah elect to work with a private tutor to prepare for their ceremony. Others have a family member or family friend who prepares with the student. Frequency and length of this preparation period can vary depending on the child but it is common to begin this process 12 months before the event.
If you would like a private tutor recommendation, Riva Alper is happy to provide an up to date list. Cantor Berson is also available for private instruction. In addition, many tutors will also assist a student with the preparation of a D’var Torah.
WRITING & PRESENTING A D’VAR TORAH
Some students also seek guidance in preparing their D’var Torah. Writing a D’var Torah is often a new and unfamiliar activity for many students, and the presentation of a D’var Torah from a podium to a congregation of people can be daunting. We highly encourage meeting with one of the KJ rabbis to discuss the assigned Torah portion; they are eager to help students with preparing, writing, and delivering a D’var Torah. Ms. Kim Gantz Wexler of the Ramaz Middle School is another person you can contact to work with your child on the delivery of your remarks so they are loud, slow, and clear.
Parent Child Programs
Fathers & Sons Bar Mitzvah Program
• Fathers and sons (6th grade boys) participate in experiential programs to explore what it means to come of age in Judaism.
• Topics to be explored are: Tefillin, Chesed, Shabbat, Torah learning and Prayer.
• Contact Rabbi Laniado at rml@ckj.org
Matan Mother-Daughter Bat Mitzvah Program
• Mothers and daughters (5th grade girls) come together to meaningfully engage with Jewish learning and experiences in preparation for B’not Mitzvah.
• Topics of study include: Torah study, women throughout Jewish history, Chesed, Shabbat, and Prayer.
• Contact Rachel Kraus at rachel@ckj.org
CHESED PR OJECTS
A great way to start thinking about this is for each child to ask themselves:
1 What are my hobbies and interests?
2 What am I good at?
If your child attends Ramaz, you and your child will be invited to attend a Chesed Project Fair where many organizations will be on hand to answer questions regarding specific projects.
All students are encouraged to do a chesed project. This activity is a meaningful way to allow each child to connect to important values of Judaism – repairing the world (tikkun olam) and compassion for others (v’ahavta l’rayecha kamocha).
3 What do I like to do?
4 What bothers me so much about what is wrong in the world and what do I want to do to change it?
5 Whom do I know that might be able to guide or help me?
Questions regarding the selection of a chesed project can be directed to Sandy Dweck, the Ramaz Middle School Student Activities Coordinator.
The following pages list organizations that students have worked with in the past as well as some examples of their projects.
UJA: DO A MITZVAH, GIVE A MITZVAH
ujafedny.org
Student went monthly to a UJA Federation agency and did an art project with about a dozen kids.
Student went monthly to a UJA Federation agency to build legos and play basketball with children in foster care.
SHAARE ZEDEK MEDICAL CENTER
acsz.org
Student baked challah weekly for 6 months. In honor of her baking, people made donations to the hospital. Challah was given to donors and also to the ill. When she went to Israel, she visited the pediatric ward and distributed stuffed animals to patients.
TEAM CHAI LIFELINE
teamlifeline.org
Students raised money to run a 5k, 10k, half or full marathon and the money raised goes to a charity to send children with cancer to summer camp.
BACK ON MY FEET
backonmyfeet.org
Student collected and donated sneakers and gloves for the homeless.
MT. SINAI KRAVIS CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL
giving.mountsinai.org
This program helps young patients cope with their fears by offering fun activities that meet their needs during long or stressful hospital stays. Some of the activities offered are play, art, school, and socializing with peers.
BEIT ISSIE SHAPIRO
afobis.org
Student raised money so kids can learn to speak using eye gaze technology.
INNOVATION AFRICA
innoafrica.org
Raise money to bring running water, electricity, solar power and more to villages in Africa. One student went to Africa to watch the installation of a water source.
BET ELAZRAKI elazraki.org
Student raised money to redesign and refurbish one of the recreation rooms for kids.
Student ran a 12K to raise money to build a new sports center for Bet Elezraki children.
Student went to Bet Elazraki and spent a few hours building a bond with the girls through jewelry making, singing, and more.
THE SPECIAL CHILDREN’S CENTER thecenternj.org
Student made a carnival for the children and invited the rest of her grade to join in the fun. MET COUNCIL metcouncil.org
Student packed camp backpacks for kids who were getting scholarships to go to sleepaway camp.
SHAVEI ISRAEL
shavei.org
Student raised money for the Bnei Menashe community of India - who claim descent from the lost tribe of Menashe. 4,000 have formally converted and moved to Israel and 7,000 more remain in India and hope to make Aliyah.
WIZO
wizousa.org
Student provided sports equipment/facility for the kids in one of the youth villages.
BEIT RUTH
beitruth.com
Student raised money to build a professional space dedicated to music learning and therapy at Beit Ruth.
SAVE A CHILD’S HEART
saveachildsheart.org
Student had a charity baseball game. People paid to play and they also sold Save a Child’s Heart merchandise and other fun items to help raise money for the organization. Later, the student had the privilege of meeting these kids (who were brought to Israel and had heart surgery performed on them) which was a really touching experience that they’ll never forget.
TIKVOT
tikvot.org.il
Student raised money to support the organization’s work with wounded veterans in need of rehabilitation and support for PTSD.
FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE
friendshipcirclenyc.org
Student created a Foul Shot Competition - for every shot that went in, $25 was donated to the friendship circle. He also spent Sundays volunteering with kids.
LET’S DO IT!
GIRLS: 4TH GRADE | BOYS: 5TH GRADE
RAMAZ STUDENTS Request Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date from Kenny Rochlin (this will include ceremony as well as any additional celebrations such as lunch, party etc.)
Finalize Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date with Kenny Rochlin / Meet with School Leadership
NON RAMAZ STUDENT S Request Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date from Riva Alper
WHEN YOUR DATE IS FINALIZED WITH RAMAZ Call Riva Alper at KJ and tell her Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date, requested service location and a dates for post-ceremony activities
TWO YEARS BEFORE
Emphasize child’s attendance at weekly Shabbat Services First meeting with a KJ rabbi
FOURTEEN MONTHS BEFORE Select Bar/Bat Mitzvah tutor if needed
WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN 5TH GRADE
Parent Child Program for Girls with Rachel Kraus begins
WHEN YOUR SON IS IN 6TH GRADE
Parent Child Program for Boys with Rabbi Laniado begins
TWELVE MONTHS BEFORE
JYC Families: discuss and confirm date for Bar/Bat Mitzvah with JYC director
Begin one-on-one tutoring
Start to think about Chesed Project (ckj.org/publications)
NINE MONTHS BEFORE
If you are using a KJ facility, advise caterer of event date
SIX MONTHS BEFORE
Start thinking about D’Var Torah Select Chesed Project
THREE MONTHS BEFORE
Discuss logistics and event requirements with Riva Alper and caterer
Submit your child’s Bnei Mitzvah information to Riva Alper for publication in the KJ Bulletin
Schedule meeting with Rabbi to discuss D’Var Torah (optional)
TWO MONTHS BEFORE
Meet with caterer on menu and catering needs
ONE MONTH BEFORE
Finalize and complete Chesed Project
FOUR TO TWO WEEKS BEFORE Advise Rabbi Feldman of Torah Honors requests
