Isolation and Depression - A Journal of Time in Quarantine

Isolation & Depression A Journal of Time in Quarantine

Esther Ti UC Davis Design | Spring 20201

2

ISOLATION and DEPRESSION A journal of time in quarantine during the COVID-19 pandemic

BY ESTHER TI

D

epression is not something that came in full-swing recently due to the mandatory statewide shelter-in-place order. I first began experiencing depression four years ago when I got dismissed from UC Davis after I flunked my freshman year. I have been dealing with it only through psychotherapy for the last three and a half years, until about four months ago,

when my online therapist stopped scheduling appointments with me because my laptop has WiFi connection issues on campus and at my apartment since I moved there last summer. I had been improving during the last year or so and I felt fine during the first couple months after I got cut off. In fact, I felt better than before since unexpectedly starting a relationship with a design classmate, before the shelter-inplace order went into effect on March 20, 2020.

3

Out of the Blue I first met JP at a PIXEL club meeting during the tenth week of fall quarter. It was the last meeting of the quarter and I was completely exhausted from having done two consecutive all-nighters that week. To be honest, I had not noticed him at any of the previous PIXEL meetings before he struck a conversation with me at the end of the meeting. He complimented me on my winter apparel. Honestly, I was far too tired and lazy to remove my coat, hat, and scarf for a one-hour meeting. We both happened to be taking DES 1 that quarter and we talked about our final projects, which we had just turned in earlier that day. As we walked out of Cruess Hall, we talked about our involvement in other clubs besides PIXEL. I told him about the Harry Potter Alliance, in which I hold the positions of secretary and Head of Hufflepuff, and the Ballroom Dance Club. He told me about Video Game Orchestra and their quarterly concert coming up that weekend (I already knew about the concert since a member in the Harry Potter Alliance had promoted the concert at a club meeting the previous night). We exchanged Instagram accounts and went our separate ways.

Later that night, I followed up by messaging him through Instagram and answered all his questions regarding the Harry Potter Alliance.

He seemed really interested in the club and our Yule Ball charity dance, which was to be held during the winter quarter.

4

I was not initially planning on going to the Video Game Orchestra concert that weekend, but I remembered the fun I had playing MapleStory in sixth grade, a very brief gaming phase in my life, and the calmness of the background music of different worlds. I ended up going with a few friends from the Harry Potter Alliance. I had not been to an orchestra performance besides the ones I performed in with my school orchestra from fourth through twelfth grade. I figured five dollars for a concert was not bad at all. I spotted JP in the second violin section and messaged him “good luck.� The performance exceeded my expectations.

Fall quarter finals started the following Monday, and JP messaged me, asking if I was studying on campus at that moment. I was not, so we scheduled a study date two days later. We met at Old Teahouse to study for the DES 1 final exam.

It was raining heavily that day and JP refused to have me bike to campus in the pouring rain. We studied for about three hours until my laptop’s battery began running low, and then we talked for a couple hours afterwards.

Fall quarter finals started the following Monday, and JP messaged me, asking if I was studying on campus at that moment.

5

We discovered that both of us are twenty-two years of age, design majors, left-handed, single children, and violinists (I played the violin from fourth to eleventh grade and switched to the cello in my final year of high school). Before we left, JP gave me a one-armed hug, which I could not reciprocate because I had my hands full with a cup of boba and my umbrella.

The next day, JP asked me for my Spotify Wrapped 2019 list. Spoiler alert: It’s mostly Game of Thrones soundtracks, Taylor Swift, and BTS. I usually do not give in to trends easily, and while it seemed like everyone I followed on Instagram was posting their Spotify Wrapped lists, I was not interested in sharing my most listened songs with the entire world, but I shared it with JP anyways.

I was half expecting him to laugh at my boring taste in music, but he complimented me on my liking for dramatic television or film soundtracks, and we arranged another study session right before our DES 1 final, which was the following afternoon.

The DES 1 final exam was fifty multiple choice questions. It was supposed to be really easy, so I was confused why JP wanted to do another study session. Either he really wanted an ‘A,’ or he wanted to see me again. Or both. Right before going in for the exam, he asked if I wanted to meet afterwards for a “post-final celebration.”

I read his intentions correctly. We walked downtown to I-Tea after the exam and talked for four hours over boba and popcorn chicken. Then before we went home, he gave me a one-armed hug again, which left me wondering whether it was just me or if he did that to all his friends.

6

Et magnimagnis dolores ecatemp erspitem repudit atiore voluptae.

7

8

New Beginnings

9

We were really happy during those first couple of weeks.

10

JP and I officially started dating on February 27, after about three months of talking and getting to know one another, and two weeks before the shelter-in-place order went into effect. We were really happy during those first couple of weeks, meeting for boba or snacks whenever possible.

I was taking only one class as a part-time student, so we had plenty of meetings. There were several occasions where JP met me outside the gates to my apartment after he got out of the sewing lab, and we would go out for an afternoon or late night snack and sit in his car and talk for a bit.

11

12

Spiraling

The effects of the pandemic became apparent as more and more counties issued recommendations to cancel large gatherings, eventually banning events. JP had a concert with the Video Game Orchestra scheduled for March 14, and I would have met his friends and family that evening. We also had tickets to a rock concert at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley on April 18 and an album launch with his friends, who are in a local rock band, later on May 15.

These were supposed to be my first concert experiences, but they were both cancelled. I had a flight booked to go home for spring break, but after much debating with my parents, who were in Los Angeles, the second most populous city in the country, they decided to allow me to stay in my Davis apartment. I was happy to stay in Davis, at first, because I would be able to spend time with JP throughout spring break.

When the spring quarter started, JP continued visiting and staying over at my apartment, despite the shelter-in-place order. Every week usually

started on Sunday evenings when JP would come over around 5 PM and play Dungeons and Dragons with his friends online. Meanwhile, I would switch between listening to the game narrative, chatting with friends on Discord, and getting a head start on our DES 115 project. JP would order dinner through DoorDash during the game. The game would end around 9 PM, and we would start on our project afterwards.

We would stay up all night and work until sunrise, sometimes later. All so that we could physically be in class together. After class, we would watch Harry Potter, and then JP would either stay for a Harry Potter Alliance club meeting or leave and join the meeting from his home. Sometimes, JP would come over Tuesday evening after his econometrics class, if he did not come on Sunday. If not, he’ll usually come on Thursday or Sunday. Meanwhile, I am unable to function when JP is not around, and I spiral into a depressive episode until his next visit.

13

Personally, depression manifests in constant faitgue and tiredness, boredom, apathy, numbness, hopelessness, and an appalling lack of hygeine.

14

Apathy On days when JP was not with me, I was often in a depressive state. I had not talked to my online therapist in months, yet I knew I was depressed because my productivity levels took a nosedive during several consecutive days. Contrary to common belief, depression is not just a feeling of of sadness or having suicidal thoughts. Personally, depression manifests in constant faitgue and tiredness, boredom, apathy, numbness, hopelessness, and an appalling lack of hygeine. I often slept until about 1 PM and did not get out of bed for lunch, or rather, a late afternoon snack, until about 4 or 5 PM. I would then nap until about 9 PM and finally get up to make dinner. And there were several nights when I was too tired to take a shower. My hair was an disgusting mess. I ended up dropping out of my sociology class on the late drop deadline due to my excessive tiredness, my tendency to hyperfocus on a single class every quarter, and my inability to function without JP around. I guess the long nights we spent working on our typography projects together also took a toll on me as well.

For UC Davis students in need of crisis counseling or suicide prevention, text “RELATE� to 741741 or call 530-756-3000.

For non-students, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

15

A Silver Lining

During this time of self-isolation, JP and I have been celebrating our anniversaries every single month. These occasions have been a source of light and happiness in these dark times. As a certain wise wizard once said, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one 16

only remembers to turn on the light.�

So far, JP and I have had a picnic at the arboretum for our first anniversary, a barbeque dinner and flowers on our second anniversary, and a screening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 on our third anniversary.

17

Welcome to the Barker Family

JP introduced me to his family on April 24, barely two months after we started dating. Since then, JP has brought me to his home in Vacaville a total of three times. Each time, his family (grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, even his boss at KUIC) has been extremely kind and welcoming. Although visiting his family goes against the rules of social distancing, his family has made the exception to welcome me in their home as I have been isolating alone most of the time (my flatmate occupies a different room, yet we hardly ever see each other).

18

19

20

About the Author & Designer

My name is Esther Ti and I am a third-year Design major at UC Davis. My unofficial focus is on graphic design, and I aspire to be a professional calligrapher. Despite having never taken an art class during high school, my interest in art and design stemmed from my artistic skills observed by friends and classmates throughout my life. Fun fact: I was given a penmanship award at my kindergarten graduation ceremony.

I guess I have a natural talent for handwriting.

I come from from a very small suburb in LA’s San Gabriel Valley called Temple City. I am the only child to two retired parents. I have a fouryear-old Dutch rabbit named Tina, named after Porpentina “Tina� Esther Goldstein from the

Wizarding World Fantastic Beasts series.

I have been heavily involved in the Harry Potter Alliance at UC Davis since her freshman year in 2015. I am the former secretary and the current graphic designer and Head of Hufflepuff in the Harry Potter Alliance. I will be the Head of Ravenclaw, the house I most identify with, beginning in Fall 2020.

Besides my passion and enthusiasm for Harry Potter, I enjoy ballroom dancing, lettering, brewing pourover coffee, listening to dramatic television and film soundtracks, and occasionally, blogging on my student lifestyle blog. My blog can be found at esther-ti-designs on Tumblr and at esther.ti.designs on Instagram.

21

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Albus Dumbledore

22