Kaitlyn McCoy

Infection

Kaitlyn McCoy

Sometimes I wish that I would sew my own mouth shut.

The guilt of the things I say without thinking keeps me up so often alone in the dark that I wonder if I am truly a bad person Simply masquerading as someone good. I have convinced myself that all I want is to be Nice ﹘ helpful ﹘ kind ﹘ selfless ﹘ And yet I am afraid my true nature peeks out around the façade at those moments When my mouth blurts out something my mind did not think.

I hate my mouth ﹘ myself ﹘ when I say without thinking And the guilt and shame overpowers any good feeling I’ve ever had And then it’s all that I think about; My failures,

Moments ago; And years ago I remember Conversations long forgotten by everyone else except me, where I hate myself for things that only I remember. It haunts me like a ghost ﹘ a specter I can’t quite get away from Only I can see it

Everyone else has forgotten, has moved on, has forgiven ﹘ (why? I don’t know) ﹘ But it still is gripping me at the throat with a long, clawed, dirty hand

And though it hurts I want it to hurt, I want it to take my air and my voice and make sure I never utter another word.

I want someone to shut me up ﹘ forcefully, violently, with the taste of blood in my mouth.

Sew my mouth shut ﹘

Cut out my tongue ﹘

Rip my throat out ﹘

Or take away my voice ﹘

I do not care. But make me have penance for the little things I’ve done and said

Because though they are small ﹘ the little things add up to large things And I do not wish to hurt anyone else any further.