Elegance Personified
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Life After Divorce
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Section In-Charge: Batool Zehra Send your feedback to women@tribune.com.pk
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Divorce: by Unaiza Tariq
It’s no
Ms.T explores the trials and tribulations of divorcees in our society and how they can overcome them Divorce is a decision that calls for both strength and support, but often a divorced woman has to find both within herself. While she may already be having a hard time moving on from a difficult past, she is often faced with a world that is newly hostile towards her and is unwilling to accept her. In Islamabad, for example, the Islamabad Arbitration Council recoreded 557 divorces in 2011 - a steep rise from the 208 couples in 2002! But while divorces are on the rise, the stigma attached to a divorced woman in our society remains the same. It would be foolish for a woman seeking divorce to look for support from those around her; she would be wiser to learn how to survive in spite of society’s attitude towards her, and to not let herself down, when life has let her down. At this time, it helps to think of divorce not as an end in itself, but a path that some of us have to be strong enough to take. The most empowering thought for a woman is that what she has left behind was much worse than what she has now. This reflects her strength and can be a great confidence builder. While women who opt for divorce are strong enough to come to a difficult decision and have only the memories of their misfortune, what is more tragic is the greater number of women who continue to live that misfortune, only to avoid an option that is both sanctioned by religion and facilitated by law. Coming to the decision to take a divorce is often the hardest part. Soon after her wedding, Saima* recognised her husband’s strange temperament. While her friends envied her for getting married to a handsome and dashing man, Saima knew better. Her husband would take offence at anything at all and violence and verbal abuse would break loose. Too scared to utter a word of complaint, Saima had the horrible feeling of walking on eggshells all the time. It was only when the domestic violence could no longer be hidden that her neighbours called up her parents one day. Finally, with the support of her parents, Saima took the bold decision of divorce. For a year after that, she spent all her time at home, moping, repenting, accusing, stuck in a cycle of self-pity. “What was even worse than people’s wagging tongues,” she says, “was the pity that they had in their eyes for me.” Naila Mir has done her Masters in Behavioral Sciences and works as a counsellor at National University of Science and Technology. Over the past 15 years, she has seen countless divorced couples. Talking about the emotional effect of divorce, Mir says that the self-esteem of women often becomes low, and some might feel rejected. In some cases they might even feel regret and remorse, thinking they could have saved the relationship in some way. Luckily for Saima, her
family pushed her to enroll in a M someone who turned out to be a pursued divorce, and she regrets and ingratitude. While society may look down on divorce is sanctioned in Islam. The a family, but it does allow for an e (PBUH) himself married divorced Pakistani society may not. While p it is important for a woman to sta ‘unfortunate’; to know that her ‘b has enough challenges to focus o For one, she undergoes a traum divorce but the marriage. To mov ficult But o you c riage rible like t all,” s Ill-t only a devas her h ent fr up ju sister remin dream kept secret and extended family m knew that my home was broken a One day, Shazia’s grandfather ca the wrong decisions. While all the have her personal life discussed t She brushed off people’s acidic re tain future that lay before her chi mother motivated her to make th completed her MBBS degree and prior studies and went on to spec who looked after her son while sh
As she sat with a whole bottle of sleeping pills in her hand, she realised that she had to be strong for her daughter
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ruin her life. She braced the world confidently, knowing that she was not wrong and had nothing to be ashamed of. Today she is an accomplished doctor, happily married to a wonderful man, and is a loving mother of three. Dr. Sohail Abbas, a psychologist, shared some insights about his female patients. “Arranged marriages are a norm in our culture and even today most girls accept their husbands as someone who was written in their fate. However, a growing number of girls from the middle and upper middle class, when married to someone who is totally incompatible with them, show their bitterness over the bad choice made by their parents. Either these marriages end in divorce or the girl lands in depression and blames her parents for not properly scrutinising her partner before the wedding and in the process, lose the support of even their parents.” According to the doctor, divorce can be doubly hard for a woman who thus loses the support of her parents. “In case of a divorce,” continues Dr. Sohail, “despite the girl being financially and professionally viable, it is hard for her to live alone and thus she returns to her parent’s house or the house of her brothers. Her feelings of being dependent and a burden on their family, in addition to day-to-day conflicts with their sisters-in-law etc again lead to depression” Two years into her marriage, Sara* discovered that her husband was gay. Mother of a small daughter, she came to the brink of divorce. As she sat with a whole bottle of sleeping pills in her hand, she realised that she had to be strong for her daughter. Not wanting to worry her parents, she quietly separated from her husband. Married at a young age, she had no degree but taking short courses, and doing small jobs, she worked her way to being a successful event manager. Sara chose not to let her marriage ruin her and her daughter’s life and chose a peaceful path. According to Naila Mir, if a divorce takes place amicably, it does not have a devastating effect on children, as when both parties play the blame game. She advises that when a couple has decided that their marriage cannot work, they should separate peacefully. These women were just as severely tested as many other divorced women in Pakistan. But they stayed strong. They accepted the unfortunate circumstances of their life as bad luck, and struggled to move on, instead of dwelling into self pity or looking to society for approval. It was a trial which they passed with patience.
While divorces are on the rise, the stigma attached to a divorced woman in our society remains the same
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Eleg
Haseeb Siddiqui display collection of warm intricate designs for the wedd
Photogra Designer: A Hair &
5 fun activities to do with your
Has it been long since the last time you bonded with your child over a fun an family game? Do you simply want to get your family up and about or at leas children in educational or physical activities that will boost their growth and Here are Ms T’s suggestions for some fun things to do that will not only help you grant you some much-needed time to unwind as well. Remember that y is crucial as it will encourage your child to participate too!
1.Hit the playground:
This is perhaps the best way to give your children a great work out! Most of them can’t help but flex their muscles on the various swings, slides, jungle gyms and monkey bars out there and the climbing and hanging is great for their arms! Invite another family for a play date and you can get your own daily dose of socializing as well! And if you are avoiding the parks due to security reasons, get a small swing set installed at your home. Trust us, it will do wonders for your child’s growth!
2.Host a Wii party:
The wide variety of games available on Wii is a prayer answered for mothers reluctant to take their children out to the local parks. They won’t be no swings but you can play a range of sporting or dancing games on this game box, granting you and your child both fun and exercise. Invite some of the neighbourhood kids over and host a mini tennis tournament. If you don’t own a Wii, then make it a plain and simple dance party! All you need is some jammin’ music. For extra incentive, dress the children up with scarves, hats and props and they are sure to have a ball of a time! Both options work indoors and without any time constraints and are perfect for the working mom.
3.Cook: While allowing a child near the stove is definitely a safety hazard, cooking together can prove very beneficial for children, especially if they are picky eaters! Of course we are not asking you to cook anything extravagant. Just indulge in some Betty Crocker cake mixes as they are quick and easy to make and always taste great. Bring in some sprinkles and other cake decorations and let your child’s creativity flourish. Make the process as fun as you can; cooking the food will encourage the kids to eat it without throwing their usual meal-time tantrum which will ultimately save you from a lot of stress.
4.Painting and arts: What better way to enhance your child’s imagination and creative skills than handing them a palette of watercolours and let them draw as they please! Warning though: painting can prove to be a tad messy but we assure you that it will be one to keep you and your child preoccupied and perhaps, your child will grow up to be a great artist someday! Remember it is always great to give your child a hobby from a young age.
5. Teach garden games: Recruit a few of your child’s friends and make them participate in a game of Twister or Hullabaloo which will allow them to stretch and build their muscles whilst having great fun as well! Laughter guaranteed!
Method • In a large pot, add 4 litres of water. • Peel the green mangoes, place them in the water and boil until the mangoes become soft. • Allow the mixture to cool down and retrieve the mangoes. • Mash the mangoes into pulp and take the seeds out. • Blend the pulp with the leftover water in a blender. • Add yellow mango pulp for taste. • Place the mixture in another pot and add sugar. • Allow the mixture to cook but not more than 15 minutes. • Add the yellow food colour. • Let the liquid cool and store it in a clean glass bottle. • To serve, take 2-3 tbsp of squash mixture and mix it with cold water. Your mango squash is now ready!
Madiha Hamid is a digita media professional. She loves the food traditions unique to families. She is running a food blog for Pakistani and regional cuisines called cheflingtales.com
Beat the heat w invigorating an make mango d the kairi seaso
Ingredients:
Preparation time: 15 minutes Cooking time: 1 hour 30 minutes Number of servings (yield): 20
Green mangos 1 kg
Pulp of ripe yellow mango 1
Sugar 2 kg
Yellow food colour 1 pinch
Status Born
Married Lahore, Pakistan
Birthday
Who is he?
12th August, 1982
Munib Nawa
This debonaire gentleman is hardly a newcomer to the world of glitz and glamour! Having started his career as a designer for men’s wear only a few years ago, Munib has been setting the ramps, TV screens and our hearts on fire ever since, especially in the role of the authoritarian host in Aag TV’s hard-hitting crime drama ‘Cell 224.’ Mind you, Munib’s creative streak is not just limited to clothing; having earned an honours degree in Marketing, he is very passionate about brands and says he would definitely be working as a brand incubator if not for designing. And, for all those women who pine for the spirited intellectual types, Munib is also fond of writing and aspires to be a published author someday. This guy is just the embodiment of class and confidence!
Why we love him? Munib’s mature and philosophical demeanour, coupled with those pensive eyes, is enough to make us drool! Fortunately for us, Munib looks just as good as his models walking down the ramp and one cannot help but wonder why he does not endorse his own label himself! And to put the cherry on top, Munib is equally as impressive in person; the sincerity with which he speaks is sure to win over even the hardest of hearts. A true artist, Munib draws inspiration from a variety of music and his surroundings, particularly the current socio-political situation in Pakistan. Much like his designs, he too is masculine and classy with a touch of the rockstar edge to keep things interesting. Add full-time family man to the list and there you have it: Munib Nawaz, the ultimate package!
What you didn’t know about him? Munib is a staunch believer in experiential knowledge and therefore keeps adopting new hobbies and activities all the time. His current love is tennis and he tries to fit in at least an hour of it into his busy schedule daily. His idea of the perfect adventure is participating in the Formula 1 races or any other sport, at a national level. Ladies, sorry to interrupt your day-dream of Munib on the tennis courts but read this: Munib Nawaz won ‘Best Male Designer’ at the 2009 Miami Fashion Week. Impressed yet? We are!