Ms MAY 5, 2013
ISSUE NO. 46
Bride Pride Shine on your special day
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Matchmaking with Mumtaz Qureshi
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inside drama mama—
Keeping calm in times of alarm
domestic goddess —
Lamb soup for the soul
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Section In-Charge: Batool Zehra Send your feedback to women@tribune.com.pk
The spinner of yarns
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Ms
the buzz
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MAY 5, 2013
Begum Mumtaz Qureshi:
The Matchmaker by Nida Ameen An insight into the rishta process with Karachi’s match-making queen
If marriages are made in heaven then surely Mrs Mumtaz Qureshi’s humble home-office can boast of some celestial influence. In a career spanning 30 years, the head of the Clifton Women Welfare Society has lost count of the happily-ever-afters she has helped create. The ‘Welfare’ in Clifton Women Welfare Society can be a bit misleading: Begum Mumtaz does not, in fact, feed the hungry or educate the underprivileged — she simply operates a marriage bureau that caters to upper middle income families in Karachi. But since matchmaking is considered a good deed in Islam, her line of work takes on the mantle of ‘sawaab ka kaam’, never mind the fees being charged for what is evidently a thriving business. We hook up with Mrs Qureshi one morning, not looking for a suitable spouse, but for some insight into the matchmaking process. In the office set up in her personal lounge, two highly competent secretaries bustle efficiently, dispensing registration forms, screening applicants and taking phone calls. Behind them, a shelf full of applications is carefully divided according to sect, ethnicity and class. Not everyone can be blessed by a proposal from Begum Mumtaz — there is a one-in-five chance that you might not even be eligible for a mere appointment with the reigning queen of matchmakers.
Though matchmakers such as Mrs Khan and Mrs Javed can boast of better connections and hence better rishtas, Mrs Qureshi seems to outclass them all. She has a sister concern in California and another one in Houston run by her daughter-in-law that deal with U.S.-based Pakistanis desperately seeking suitable rishtas. Far from being the social brokers they now are, at the time Begum Mumtaz started her business, matchmakers were kind of looked down upon. “People were unwilling to trust the existing marriage bureaus which were often located in dingy areas of the city where people were hesitant to go. I knew I could easily pull this off from my home. Although my husband wasn’t too enthusiastic initially, I was adamant that it would turn out to be a great achievement for me — and it has!” says the raven-haired 70-year-old. Her meticulous background research and organisational skills aside, part of the reason for this success lies in the fact that Begum Qureshi’s views on marriage are squarely conventional, echoing the pragmatic approach of the middle class. You will get the same sermon from her that you most likely hear from your aunts and grannies: girls have to give it time to make it work. “Girls step into the house assuming that they will change everything, but I advise
The most important criteria for a rishta What do people seeking matches look for when they come in? Mrs. Mumtaz Qureshi sheds some light. Religion and sect: This ranks as the number one concern. It’s not just about the broad Shia-Sunni difference anymore; people are very particular and there are too many considerations now. Ethnicity: Ethnicity is another dividing factor but Punjabis and Urdu-speaking families seem to merge well. Location: Location is also another prominent factor now. People living in posh localities prefer marrying somebody near their vicinity. Finally, social class has to match and that seems reasonable.
Earlier people used about what kind of fato worry girl would go into; no mily the are scared of what ki w people will come into the fa nd of girl mily
them to adjust to the new family and the lifestyle which they have probably had for over 20 to 25 years.” With her line of work, she can only be described as a staunch supporter of arranged marriage, though love marriages too have her blessings: “If it takes place with the parents’ blessings, there isn’t much of an issue,” she shrugs. However, she does feel that the high expectations in a love marriage can put the couple under undue pressure, whereas in an arranged marriage you get enough time to develop the right kind of expectations from your spouse. “But there is no hard and fast rule as to which one has a higher success rate.” Thirty years in the business, Begum Mumtaz feels that the process of matchmaking has become more difficult from when she started out. Back in the day, the decision lay in the hands of the parents and elders but now the ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ are very vocal about their opinions, which slows down the process. Mrs. Qureshi advises girls who are interested in pursuing higher education to first get married into a family which will allow them to continue with their studies. “This is because higher education often makes it difficult to find a match in the appropriate age bracket,” she explains. One of the more positive developments that she’s noticed in her years in the business is that mothers-in-law— who have traditionally had a demonic reputation — have become more understanding now. “Earlier people used to worry about what kind of family the girl would go into; now people are scared of what kind of girl will come into the family,” she says. She thinks that nowadays mothers-in-law are educated, sensible women who are aware that they can’t control
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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MAY 5, 2013
What the guy’s side demands “The guy’s side has always been pretty demanding however, the girls themselves are now very particular about what they want and what they don’t. People don’t come to me with a dowry requirement because they are aware that I am completely against such disgraceful practices. However, there has been a particular rise in the demand for an educated family and a working girl which is quite the opposite from our times. One thing that hasn’t changed in ages is the demand for a ‘gori khoobsurat larki’.”
their own kids, much less the new addition. “While not all mothers-inlaw can be called ‘considerate’, most of them are aware of their limits and refrain from interfering. In our times, a ‘saas’ had to exercise full control over her ‘bahu’,” she says. What hasn’t changed over the years though is the demand for a ‘gori larki’: “Be it a well-off family or a modest one, everybody wants a beautiful girl,” she says. In her opinion, this obsession with the girl’s complexion often blinds the guy’s side to traits that might be more important in the long run. “The idea should be to choose a girl who knows how to carry herself well regardless of her complexion and can mingle with your family with a smile on her face,” she advises. Our conversation is interrupted by the arrival of a couple with major political connections. They have come seeking rishtas for both their daughter and son. The couple is not pleased with a 32-year-old girl for their 44-year-old son, deeming her to be too old for him. Mrs. Qureshi buzzes them off by suggesting that no girl in the age bracket that they’re looking for would be willing to marry their son. Does she witness such ludicrous demands on a regular basis? Begum Mumtaz recalls an educated, good-looking young man who came to her looking to marry an American national around 10 years back. In the world of arranged marriages, it seemed like an appropriate requirement and she had someone in mind. He then also asked for the girl’s family to help settle him since he did not have savings that would allow him to travel to the US. This too did not seem bizarre since Begum Mumtaz had actually been in touch with a family which had made just such an offer. But finally the young man said that he made Rs25,000 a month out of which he gave Rs20,000 rupees to his parents. He wanted his prospective bride’s family to transfer that amount to his parents every month. “I was so infuriated that I immediately asked him to get out of my house. It amazes me how people can have the guts to make such foolish demands!” she exclaims. The veteran matchmaker can boast of having arranged matches for generals’ daughters, ministers’ children, and even two acting-governors’ daughters. But she guards her clients’ wish for anonymity closely and refuses to divulge any names. When we step out of her office, we find the old couple still hanging around — after all, their 44-year-old son still needs to find his better half. One wonders if the celestial sunlight that beams down on Mumtaz Qureshi’s office will shine down on him.
PHOTOS BY AYESHA MIR
choose o t e b d l u sho The idea ho knows how to ss a girl w lf well regardle se carry her mplexion and canth of her co th your family wi i mingle w ile on her face a sm
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en vogue
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MAY 5, 2013
Bridal
Buzz
Nadia Hussain displays fabulous new trends in bridal jewelry and make up to keep you on top of your game for your special day. It is going to be a stellar year to get married... Coordination: Umer Mushtaq Hair & Make-up: Basit Ali Designer: Karma by Maheen Kardar Photography: Kamran Naqvi Model: Nadya Hussain
unwind 5
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MAY 5, 2013
Ms T brings you all that is hot and happening right now. Make sure you have some bright spots in your to-do list by adding our recommendations!
Read Cosmarkspolitan
Watch Real Beauty Sketches A soap company recently launched this web-only commercial as part of its ‘Campaign for Real Beauty’ and became a social-media sensation almost overnight. Women all over the world have been re-posting it with teary comments since it highlights the many insecurities they feel and how they can overcome these by having more faith in themselves. Although the ad has been reproached by many for being anti-feminist and reinforcing stereotypes regarding women and what is considered to be beautiful, we recommend that you give it a watch for the advertising genius that it is, if for nothing else.
Is it just us or has social media taken over the world of entertainment? The latest offering in this line of online comedy is the Tumblr page ‘Cosmarkspolitan.’ As the name suggests, it is a parody of the famous international fashion magazine Cosmopolitan, spun together with Karl Marx’s theories on society. With hilarious photos and scandalous topics, the pages are sure to tickle your funny bone, specially for those familiar with Marxist ideologies. Definitely worth a read!
Do Vote
With the 11th of May just round the corner, Ms T would like to urge all you strong and independent women to go out and cast your votes! Evaluate the candidate rather than simply voting on the basis of the party and remember that women candidates are more likely to tackle issues like health and development — so make your vote go where it can make the biggest difference. We understand the many problems associated with the process, the dire security situation in particular. But, as the majority in the country, women possess the power to bring about a revolution in Pakistan! In the words of Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see.”
Message on 8300 to find out your constituency and polling stations and visit www.ecp.gov.pk to find out about the National and Provincial Assembly candidates for your constituency.
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drama mama
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MAY 5, 2013
Remember to Keep Singing Hiba Masood is a stay-at-home mother to fouryear-old Beta and one-year-old Beti. Writing about parenting affords her time away from actually doing it
by Hiba Masood
It’s a terrible world to raise the kids in, but it’s always been this way.
CONNECT WITH DRAMA MAMA ONLINE AT WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ETDRAMAMAMA FOR MORE THOUGHTS ON THE CRAZY RIDE OF MOTHERHOOD
When I went online today, the first things I read were about teenagers killing one another, trees being cut, shootings, bombings and all kinds of tragedies and I felt my shoulders tightening. Then I was informed that my husband Hum’s flight back home had inexplicably been diverted back. Then the kids refused to each lunch because ‘Baba is coming at lunchtime! Where is Baba? When will he come? When? When? When?’ I had to bite my lip to keep myself from lashing out “Argh! Right now, can you, will you, No! Stop! And just eat!!” I think the next hour was spent checking the airline obsessively for updates to calm the drumming in my head, preparing for the worst, wondering how I would survive if someone told me the plane had been hijacked. I thought “Is all this happening right now? Are we really living this brutal life?” Worried and exhausted, I wondered if this is what Emery Austin meant when she said “Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway?” Although technically, I am on ‘holiday’, visiting my parents, I have found it very difficult to relax. I want to try to focus on all the positive stuff but my zen seems to have become a victim of all the suffering, political drama, media consumption and the discordant jangle of all the different noises around me and I want to yell over the din. I do want to know about all the tragedies, all the senseless losses, all the convoluted politics of this country but I also really don’t. I want to understand but I cannot understand. I want everything to be alright. I also just want my kids to eat their lunch! When things like Hamza Ahmed’s murder happen, a common refrain can be heard amongst young mothers that we are bringing our kids up in a terrible and terrifying world. It is worse and harder than ever before and no place to raise a good child. Perhaps the thing to remember is that every parent in the history of parenting has probably raised their children in a bad world. There has always been hate, hurt, fear and evil in this world and we have to embrace that — because this is just the bittersweet symphony of life. This is what it feels like to have children and raise them in a troubled country and to love
that country too. We must remember that for every child who did something wrong, there are a million others who did not. Whether we are Hamza’s parents, or Shoaib’s parents or anyone else’s, we are all in this together; we are all trying to raise good children who do the right things and eat lunch when they are told to do so. We are all just trying to sing anyway. Pity is a waste of time and despair is a place best for very short visits only. Feel it, sit with it but then move away. Move to where the music is so that you can be part of the chorus. All this confusion, grief and terror is real but remember, so is beauty, love, laughter, kindness and hope and like Emily Dickinson said, “Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all.” Hope does not stop singing! My Beta and Beti spent the rest of the day, enjoying the rain and eating ice cream on the steps outside. The sun was shining upon us again. Karachi sparkled and smelled in that delicious manner which only a good rain shower can provide. Baba’s flight had landed safely, Beta and Beti had finished their lunch and ice cream seemed like a good way to celebrate. (It is always a good idea to have ice cream.) Every few seconds, Beti would tap Beta on the shoulder and he would give her a spoonful of his ice-cream. Then a few seconds later, she would lean over and feed him a little from her own bowl. They went back and forth like so for a while, all the while chatting in their own special mix of English, Urdu and gibberish without any tears or fights or misunderstandings. It was magical! And I, after capturing it on camera, just stood there and relished it, thinking “Is this really happening right now? It this beautiful life happening?” I could hear the music again and my heart knew what to do next, what it should have been doing throughout: a little tappity tap, clappity clap, a whirl, a twirl and then it started singing.
We must remember that for every child who did something wrong, there are a million others who did not. Whether we are Hamza’s parents, or Shoaib’s parents or anyone else’s, we are all in this together
domestic goddess 7
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MAY 5, 2013
Recipe A light, soup-based dish of Kashmiri origins, Dahi Yakhni is perfect for those who relish a bit of ‘chatkhara’ and tang in life. Relatively easy to make, Dahi Yakhni is also known as ‘Aab Gosht’ although the latter is usually made with milk rather than yogurt. Remember though: good quality lamb meat is absolutely essential for this dish, lest it taste bad.
Lamb Ribs Soup in Yogurt — Dahi Yakhni
Method Step 1: Clear Soup (6-7 cups): • Add the meat, garlic (whole), salt, and coriander and fennel seeds in a deep pan. • Add sufficient water to cover the meat. • Let the water simmer until the soup is ready but make sure the meat is not cooked completely during this process. Keep tasting the soup to check its flavour. This step is likely to take 15-20 minutes. • Once done, take out the meat from the soup and set it aside. • Sieve the soup and discard the remaining ingredients. • Fry the meat in a separate pan until it becomes brown.
Madiha Hamid is a digital media professional. She loves the food traditions unique to families. She is running a food blog for Pakistani and regional cuisines called cheflingtales.com
Note: The cooking time of the meat can vary depending on the quality. Step 2: Curry • In another pan, heat 4 tbsp of oil and add the onions. Once fried, take out the onions as the oil can be reused in the next step. Chop the fried onions finely in a blender and set them aside. • Pour the yogurt into a bowl and whip it thoroughly. You may also use a blender for better results. • Add the yogurt in the leftover hot oil and keep stirring as you add more. Keep stirring until the oil comes out on top of the yogurt. • Add the green and black cardamoms and about ½ 1/2 tsp of salt. • Add the onions to the yogurt and cook for 10 minutes. • Add the meat to the blend and cook until the oil comes up again and enough of the flavours have blended in. • Add the clear soup made in Step 1 into this mixture and keep mixing until it starts to boil. If the soup is too little, add a glass of water. • Cover the pan and allow the mixture to cook for 15-20 minutes. • When the soup becomes a little think in consistency, slow the heat. • Cook until the oil comes up and serve with boiled rice. Addiction guaranteed!
Lamb ribs 1Kg
Yogurt 2Kg
Fennel seeds 1 tbsp
Coriander seeds (crushed) 1 tbsp
Onions (sliced) 2
Green Cardamom 1
Black cardamom 1
Salt (to taste)
Garlic 1
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MAY 5, 2013
hottie of the week 8
Status Born
Married Lahore, Pakistan
Birthday
1971
Face
65%
Mohsin Hamid
Charisma
70%
Who is he? Author of critically acclaimed The Reluctant Fundamentalist, Moth Smoke, and the latest How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia, Mohsin Hamid is at heart a desi Lahori. He describes himself as a ‘mongrel’ (and we’d say he makes a pretty cute one) since he has lived on different continents and now divides his time between London, New York and Lahore. A graduate of both Princeton and Harvard Law School, he has worked for McKinsey and Company in New York City and now works as a brand consultant – all this while also being one of Pakistan’s most renowned English language novelists.
Talent
90%
Why we love him If there’s one thing we visit the yearly literature festivals for, it’s for Mohsin Hamid’s sessions and the readings in his deep, steady voice. He is praised among his peers for his easy-going personality and optimism. With his rough, half-shaved hairstyle, intense brows, boyish smile and that twinkle in his eyes, Mohsin Hamid personifies the nerdy charm we’d expect Pakistan’s most entertaining English language novelist to have. He always manages to pick the most au courant themes for his books: whether writing about an ex-banker living in post-nuclear test Lahore in Moth Smoke or about a Pakistani man who abandons his American dream after the 9/11 attacks in The Reluctant Fundamentalist, Mohsin is always tuned in to what we’re going through as a nation. He knows how to spin a yarn and we can only dream of whiling away a thousand and one nights listening to his tales. A man who can play with words has license to play with our feelings, and we love that he writes about taboo subjects in a rather mysterious third person narrative which keeps us completely engrossed.
What you didn’t know about him Mohsin calls himself “a sucker for love stories.” He believes that be it songs, poetry or any form of expression, love is the central metaphor for looking at human relations. We seem to be connecting with you through love too, Mohsin! Unlike the general impression of the writer as a loner lost in his own world, Mohsin is a true family man. He loves hanging out and spending time with his family and believes that they make him feel grounded.
Total Package
75%