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Savage Love

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: Q I h ave a q uestion. I’ m a g ay man in a relationsh ip and w e’ re b oth really h appy since w e met a year ag o. W e’ re “ open” in th e sense th at h e w ants th e option to b e intimate w ith someone else if a connection h appens and in turn h e said h e w ould b e supportive of me b eing involved in my k ink s. But I h aven’ t d one anyth ing yet out of f ear. I’ m not af raid of my k ink s. I’ m w orried th at if I ask to g o d o someth ing k ink y it w ill ruin our relationshi’. donǯt thin he was bluffing w h en h e said it w as ok ay f or me to ex plore my k ink s w ith oth er g uys, b ut it w orries me. I tend to repress th e k ink part of my sex uality and I’ m w orried th at h im k now ing I w ant to act on it w ill cause issues. My b oyf riend and I are so b alanced b ut in th e k ink aspects of my lif e I’ m a sub missive and need to eng ag e in pow er ex ch ang e w ith someone. I miss b eing ab le to ex press th ese th ing s and it f eels lik e th ere’ s a void in my lif e. Th at mig h t sound silly, b ut it’ s true. I th ink repressing th em is actually tak ing a toll on my mental h ealth . A ny ad vice? — G uy’ s A b and oned Y earning s Sub tly U nd ermining Bond

: A ˆ your boyˆriend is bluffingǡ ǡ you wanna now that sooner rather than later. our stillǦrelati˜elyǦnewǦish boyǦ ˆriend ga˜e you permission to act on your ins at the same time he ased your permission to ˆuc someone else. ou ga˜e him your oay and assume you meant itǡ Ǣ you meant it when you told him he couldǡ iˆ and when Dza connection happensǡdz go ahead and ˆuc the dude. eeing as he too your Dzyesdz ˆor an answer where his Dzconnectionsdz are concernedǡ ǡ thin you should tae his Dzyesdz ˆor an answer where your ins are conǦ cerned. o go find some hot Dom you wanna submit to and let your boyˆriend now you’re gonna get your in on. ˆ it turns out your boyˆriend was lying to you Ȅ iˆ he’s one oˆ those people who wants to be ˆree to play with others ȋwhich is why he got your oayȌ but doesn’t want his partner playing with others ȋand the oay he ga˜e you was insincereȌ Ȅ it’s better to find that out twel˜e short months into this relationǦ ship than to find it out ten yearsǡ a mortgageǡ one id and two dogs into this relationship. nd what you describe about the ˜oid you ˆeel is understandable to anyone with insǡ ǡ and e˜en ˜anilla people can understand iˆ they thin about it ˆor e˜en a moment. ȋThat ˜anilla stuff you enŒoyǡ ˜anilla peopleǫ magine ne˜er being able to do any oˆ it. eeǫȌ our ins are an intrinǦ sic aspect oˆ your sešuality and reǦ pressing them Ȅ not ha˜ing any way to ešplore or ešpress them Ȅ does tae an emotional toll. t can also breed resentment iˆ your partner is the reason you can’t ešplore or ešpress them. hich means iˆ your boyˆriend wants you to be happy and wants you to be a good boyˆriend to himǡ then you need to ha˜e the ˆreedom to be who you are. or some iny people porn is enough oˆ an outletǡ ǡ but most iny people want actual ešperiences.

Oˆten a ˜anilla partner is willing and able to meet a iny partner’s needs and that’s great. ut sometimes a ˜anilla partner can’t do it or is incapable oˆ ˆaing it or does it poorly on purpose so they won’t be ased to do it again. nd ˆor some insters the awareness you’re being indulged maes it impossible to get into the right subby headspace. ˆ either is the caseǡ you’ll ha˜e to outsource these desires to fill that ˜oid. ˆ your boyˆriend gi˜es you the oay and has a little breadown aˆter you get home Ȅ iˆ it dredges up some unešǦ pected ˆeelings ȋand you should ešpect that it will dredge up some unešpected ˆeelingsǡ so ešpect those unešpected ˆeelingsȌ Ȅ and needs some reassurǦ anceǡ that’s fine. nswer any “uesǦ tions he has and let him now you’re not going anywhereǢ indeedǡ the ˆact that you don’t ha˜e to choose between him and your ins maes you ˆar less liely to end this relationship. ȋomeǦ times people who weren’t e˜en in the dungeon during the scene need a little aˆtercare too.Ȍ ut iˆ you’re careˆul not to neglect your boyˆriend sešually or emotionally and your iny dates are Œust an occasional thing and your boyǦ ˆriend eeps ha˜ing greatǡ bigǡ dramatic meltdownsǡ ǡ then that’s a bad sign. ˆ he punishes you with drama e˜ery time he gi˜es you his oay to play with someone else then he’s hoping you’ll decide to stop seeing these ešperiences out because the emotional price is too great. ou won’t be able to remain in this relationship iˆ that’s what winds up happeningǡ ǡ so you’re going to wanna act on your ins at least a halˆ a doœen times beˆore you get a dog or a mortgage. : Q My new b oyf riend j ust opened up to me ab out h is k ink s. Noth ing craz y: j ust b ond ag e and h umiliation. W h ile he usually meets and dates ‰uys off k ink y d ating sites, w e met “ th e old - f ash ioned w ay” a f ew month s b ef ore CO VID- 1 9 slammed us h ere in Ch icag o: at a potluck d inner party th row n b y a mutual straig h t lad y f riend . Y our name came up d uring th e conversation ab out h is interests: h e told me h e w as tak ing your ad vice and “ laying h is k ink card s on th e tab le” b ef ore I h ad mad e too much of an emotional commitment. W h at’ s interesting to me, Dan, is h ow of ten th is h appens. My b oyf riend is easily th e f ourth g uy I’ ve d ated in th e last f ew years w h o laid d ow n th e ex act same k ink card s: w ants to b e tied up, w ants to b e called names, w ants to b e h urt. I’ m learning to tie k nots and g et

Savage Love

By Dan Savag e

ting b etter at calling h im names w h en w e h ave sex and I actually really enj oying spank ing h im. But I w as talk ing w ith a f riend — our straig h t lad y mutual ( w ith th e b oyf riend ’ s ok ay! ) — and sh e told me sh e’ s never h ad a straig h t g uy open up to h er ab out w anting to b e tied up ab used . A re g ay g uys j ust k ink ier? — Talk ing O ver Perversions

ha˜e a theory ǥ hen we’re boys ǥ beˆore we’re ready to come out ǥ we’re sudǦ denly attracted to another boy. nd that’s something we usually ˆeel pretty paniced about. t would be nice iˆ that first sameǦ seš crush was something a boy could ešperience without ˆeelings oˆ dread or terrorǡ TOǡ but that’s not how it wors ˆor most oˆ us. e’re eenly aware thatǡ should

JOE NEWTON

the obŒect oˆ our desire realiœe

When we’re boys … before we’re ready to come out … we’re suddenly attracted to another boy. And that’s something we usually feel

it Ȅ iˆ the boy we’re attracted to realiœes what we’re ˆeelingǡ iˆ we gi˜e oursel˜es away with a stray loo Ȅ the odds oˆ that boy reacting badly or e˜en ˜iolently are high. ˜en iˆ you thin the boy might not react ˜iolentlyǡ e˜en iˆ you suspect the boy you’re crushing on might be gay himselˆǡ the staes are too high to ris maing any sort oˆ mo˜e. o we stew with ˆeelings oˆ lust and ˆear. ešual desire can mae anyone ˆeel ˆearˆul and powerless Ȅ we’re literǦ ally powerless to control these ˆeelings ȋwhile we can and must control how we act on these ˆeelingsȌ Ȅ but desire and ˆear are stirred together ˆor us gay boys to much greater degree than they are ˆor straight boys. e ˆear being ˆound outǡ we ˆear being called namesǡ we ˆear being outedǡ we ˆear being physically hurt. nd the person we ˆear most is the person we ha˜e a crush on.  significant number oˆ gay guys wind up imprinting on that heady and ˜ery conǦ ˆusing miš oˆ desire and ˆear. The erotic imaginations oˆ guys lie your boyǦ ˆriend seiœe on those ˆears and eroticiœe them. nd thenǡ in adulthoodǡ your boyˆriend want to reǦešperience those ˆeelingsǡ that heady miš oˆ desire and ˆearǡ with a lo˜ing partner he trusts. The gay boy who ˆeared being hurt by the person he was attracted to becomes the gay man who wants to be hurt Ȅ in a limitedǡ controlledǡ consensual and saˆe way Ȅ by the man he’s with.

pretty panicked about.

Q uestions? mail@savag elove.net. F ollow Dan on Tw itter @F ak eDanSavag e. More inf ormation at savag elovecast.com.

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