8 minute read
Savage Love
CULTURE
: Q I h ave a q uestion. I’ m a g ay man in a relationsh ip and w e’ re b oth really h appy since w e met a year ag o. W e’ re “ open” in th e sense th at h e w ants th e option to b e intimate w ith someone else if a connection h appens and in turn h e said h e w ould b e supportive of me b eing involved in my k ink s. But I h aven’ t d one anyth ing yet out of f ear. I’ m not af raid of my k ink s. I’ m w orried th at if I ask to g o d o someth ing k ink y it w ill ruin our relationshi. donǯt thin he was bluffing w h en h e said it w as ok ay f or me to ex plore my k ink s w ith oth er g uys, b ut it w orries me. I tend to repress th e k ink part of my sex uality and I’ m w orried th at h im k now ing I w ant to act on it w ill cause issues. My b oyf riend and I are so b alanced b ut in th e k ink aspects of my lif e I’ m a sub missive and need to eng ag e in pow er ex ch ang e w ith someone. I miss b eing ab le to ex press th ese th ing s and it f eels lik e th ere’ s a void in my lif e. Th at mig h t sound silly, b ut it’ s true. I th ink repressing th em is actually tak ing a toll on my mental h ealth . A ny ad vice? — G uy’ s A b and oned Y earning s Sub tly U nd ermining Bond
: A your boyriend is bluffingǡ ǡ you wanna now that sooner rather than later. our stillǦrelatielyǦnewǦish boyǦ riend gae you permission to act on your ins at the same time he ased your permission to uc someone else. ou gae him your oay and assume you meant itǡ Ǣ you meant it when you told him he couldǡ i and when Dza connection happensǡdz go ahead and uc the dude. eeing as he too your Dzyesdz or an answer where his Dzconnectionsdz are concernedǡ ǡ thin you should tae his Dzyesdz or an answer where your ins are conǦ cerned. o go find some hot Dom you wanna submit to and let your boyriend now you’re gonna get your in on. it turns out your boyriend was lying to you Ȅ i he’s one o those people who wants to be ree to play with others ȋwhich is why he got your oayȌ but doesn’t want his partner playing with others ȋand the oay he gae you was insincereȌ Ȅ it’s better to find that out twele short months into this relationǦ ship than to find it out ten yearsǡ a mortgageǡ one id and two dogs into this relationship. nd what you describe about the oid you eel is understandable to anyone with insǡ ǡ and een anilla people can understand i they thin about it or een a moment. ȋThat anilla stuff you enoyǡ anilla peopleǫ magine neer being able to do any o it. eeǫȌ our ins are an intrinǦ sic aspect o your seuality and reǦ pressing them Ȅ not haing any way to eplore or epress them Ȅ does tae an emotional toll. t can also breed resentment i your partner is the reason you can’t eplore or epress them. hich means i your boyriend wants you to be happy and wants you to be a good boyriend to himǡ then you need to hae the reedom to be who you are. or some iny people porn is enough o an outletǡ ǡ but most iny people want actual eperiences.
Oten a anilla partner is willing and able to meet a iny partner’s needs and that’s great. ut sometimes a anilla partner can’t do it or is incapable o aing it or does it poorly on purpose so they won’t be ased to do it again. nd or some insters the awareness you’re being indulged maes it impossible to get into the right subby headspace. either is the caseǡ you’ll hae to outsource these desires to fill that oid. your boyriend gies you the oay and has a little breadown ater you get home Ȅ i it dredges up some uneǦ pected eelings ȋand you should epect that it will dredge up some unepected eelingsǡ so epect those unepected eelingsȌ Ȅ and needs some reassurǦ anceǡ that’s fine. nswer any uesǦ tions he has and let him now you’re not going anywhereǢ indeedǡ the act that you don’t hae to choose between him and your ins maes you ar less liely to end this relationship. ȋomeǦ times people who weren’t een in the dungeon during the scene need a little atercare too.Ȍ ut i you’re careul not to neglect your boyriend seually or emotionally and your iny dates are ust an occasional thing and your boyǦ riend eeps haing greatǡ bigǡ dramatic meltdownsǡ ǡ then that’s a bad sign. he punishes you with drama eery time he gies you his oay to play with someone else then he’s hoping you’ll decide to stop seeing these eperiences out because the emotional price is too great. ou won’t be able to remain in this relationship i that’s what winds up happeningǡ ǡ so you’re going to wanna act on your ins at least a hal a doen times beore you get a dog or a mortgage. : Q My new b oyf riend j ust opened up to me ab out h is k ink s. Noth ing craz y: j ust b ond ag e and h umiliation. W h ile he usually meets and dates uys off k ink y d ating sites, w e met “ th e old - f ash ioned w ay” a f ew month s b ef ore CO VID- 1 9 slammed us h ere in Ch icag o: at a potluck d inner party th row n b y a mutual straig h t lad y f riend . Y our name came up d uring th e conversation ab out h is interests: h e told me h e w as tak ing your ad vice and “ laying h is k ink card s on th e tab le” b ef ore I h ad mad e too much of an emotional commitment. W h at’ s interesting to me, Dan, is h ow of ten th is h appens. My b oyf riend is easily th e f ourth g uy I’ ve d ated in th e last f ew years w h o laid d ow n th e ex act same k ink card s: w ants to b e tied up, w ants to b e called names, w ants to b e h urt. I’ m learning to tie k nots and g et
Savage Love
By Dan Savag e
ting b etter at calling h im names w h en w e h ave sex and I actually really enj oying spank ing h im. But I w as talk ing w ith a f riend — our straig h t lad y mutual ( w ith th e b oyf riend ’ s ok ay! ) — and sh e told me sh e’ s never h ad a straig h t g uy open up to h er ab out w anting to b e tied up ab used . A re g ay g uys j ust k ink ier? — Talk ing O ver Perversions
hae a theory ǥ hen we’re boys ǥ beore we’re ready to come out ǥ we’re sudǦ denly attracted to another boy. nd that’s something we usually eel pretty paniced about. t would be nice i that first sameǦ se crush was something a boy could eperience without eelings o dread or terrorǡ TOǡ but that’s not how it wors or most o us. e’re eenly aware thatǡ should
JOE NEWTON
the obect o our desire realie
When we’re boys … before we’re ready to come out … we’re suddenly attracted to another boy. And that’s something we usually feel
it Ȅ i the boy we’re attracted to realies what we’re eelingǡ i we gie ourseles away with a stray loo Ȅ the odds o that boy reacting badly or een iolently are high. en i you thin the boy might not react iolentlyǡ een i you suspect the boy you’re crushing on might be gay himselǡ the staes are too high to ris maing any sort o moe. o we stew with eelings o lust and ear. eual desire can mae anyone eel earul and powerless Ȅ we’re literǦ ally powerless to control these eelings ȋwhile we can and must control how we act on these eelingsȌ Ȅ but desire and ear are stirred together or us gay boys to much greater degree than they are or straight boys. e ear being ound outǡ we ear being called namesǡ we ear being outedǡ we ear being physically hurt. nd the person we ear most is the person we hae a crush on. significant number o gay guys wind up imprinting on that heady and ery conǦ using mi o desire and ear. The erotic imaginations o guys lie your boyǦ riend seie on those ears and eroticie them. nd thenǡ in adulthoodǡ your boyriend want to reǦeperience those eelingsǡ that heady mi o desire and earǡ with a loing partner he trusts. The gay boy who eared being hurt by the person he was attracted to becomes the gay man who wants to be hurt Ȅ in a limitedǡ controlledǡ consensual and sae way Ȅ by the man he’s with.
pretty panicked about.
Q uestions? mail@savag elove.net. F ollow Dan on Tw itter @F ak eDanSavag e. More inf ormation at savag elovecast.com.
