Metro Times 12/25/19 by Chava Communications

VOL. 40 | ISSUE 12 | DECEMBER 25â&#x20AC;&#x201C;31, 2019

Little Miss Flint

and Generation Z are already changing the world (and Michigan) in both large ways and small

COMING SOON

12/27 THE ROOTS WITH PHONY PPL

12/28 RATT

WITH ARTIFICIAL AGENT AND DEAD IN 5

12/31 RESOLUTION BALL (21+) 1/3/20 MORGAN WALLEN (SELL OUT ALERT) WITH JON LANGSTON AND ASHLAND CRAFT

1/10/20 THE PRINCE EXPERIENCE PERFORMING THE PURPLE RAIN ALBUM

1/11/20 THUNDERHEAD: THE RUSH EXPERIENCE 1/26/20 SNOOP DOGG

1/30/20 DUSTIN LYNCH WITH TRAVIS DENNING

1/31-2/1 TWO NIGHTS WITH UMPHREYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S MCGEE WITH THE NEW DEAL

2/14/20 TRIPPIE REDD

2/21/20 STONE TEMPLE PILOTS * AN INTIMATE AND ACOUSTIC EVENING

2/22/20 CHRIS LANE

WITH BLANCO BROWN AND ERNEST

2/26/20 HAYLEY KIYOKO

3/4/20 STEVE HACKETT: GENESIS REVISITED TOUR* 3/6/20 THE REVIVALISTS WITH TANK AND THE BANGAS

* denotes a seated show

2 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

coming this week:

on sale friday:

coming soon concert calendar:

1/11 – emo night brooklyn a night of the best of 00S emo & pop punk - 18+

1/15 – atmosphere

w/ lioness, nikki jean & dj keezy

1/17 – thunderstruck

america’s ac/dc tribute band - 18+

avenue dec. 27 every w/ signature mistakes and st. andrew’s

john kay & who’s to say

howard Jones mar. 11 (acoustic trio) st. andrew’s w/ rachael sage

1/18 – the almost

@ the shelter w/ all get out, ghost atlas & rowdy

1/19 – greyson chance @ the shelter

1/21 – shadow of intent @ the shelter w/ signs of the swarm, inferi & brand of sacrifice

rhythm corps acacia strain aug. 28 3 the dec. w/kublai corktown w/ khanpopes st. andrew’s

presented by wllz

mar. 13 sob x rbe the shelter

1/24 – black pumas w/ seratones 1/24 – magic city hippies @ the shelter w/ tim atlas

1/25 – imposters in effect

a tribute to the beastie boys - 18+

1/28 – the adicts 1/29 – lettuce 1/30 – temples @ the shelter dec. 31

saved by the 90’s nye

party like it’s 1999! (20 years later) st. andrew’s 21+ - carlton dance contest, photo booth, balloon drop, 90’s cocktails

w/ art d’ecco & sisters of your sunshine vapor

mar. 18 dragonforce w/ unleash the archers st. andrew’s

& visions of atlantis

1/31 – nighly @ the shelter w/ sawyer

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

4 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

Vol. 40 | Issue 12 | Dec. 25-31, 2019

News & Views

Publisher - Chris Keating Associate Publisher - Jim Cohen

Feedback/Comics ................. 8 Informed Dissent ................ 10 The Dooby Awards ............. 12

Feature The People Issue................. 14

Food The best things we ate this year ...................................... 22

EDITORIAL Editor in Chief - Lee DeVito Digital Editor - Sonia Khaleel Investigative Reporter - Steve Neavling Music and Listings Editor - Jerilyn Jordan Copy Boy - Dave Mesrey Contributing Editors - Michael Jackman, Larry Gabriel Editorial Interns - Brooklyn Blevins, Miriam Francisco, Marisa Kalil-Barrino, Gabriel Silver, Lindsey Yuchna

ADVERTISING Regional Sales Director Danielle Smith-Elliott Senior Multimedia Account Executive Jeff Nutter Multimedia Account Executive Jessica Frey Account Manager, Classifieds - Josh Cohen

BUSINESS/OPERATIONS Business Support Specialist - Josh Cohen Controller - Kristy Dotson

CREATIVE SERVICES Graphic Designers - Paul Martinez, Haimanti Germain

What’s Going On ............... 24 New Year’s Eve listings ..... 30 Livewire: Local picks ......... 34 Fast-Forward....................... 36

The best music of 2019 ...... 38

Arts & Culture Film ...................................... 40 Higher Ground .................... 42 Savage Love ........................ 46 Horoscopes .......................... 50

On the cover: Photo of Little Miss Flint by Brittany Greeson

Printed on recycled paper

6 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

EUCLID MEDIA GROUP Chief Executive Officer - Andrew Zelman Chief Operating Officers - Chris Keating, Michael Wagner Creative Director - Tom Carlson VP of Digital Services - Stacy Volhein Digital Operations Coordinator - Jaime Monzon euclidmediagroup.com National Advertising - Voice Media Group 1-888-278-9866 vmgadvertising.com

Music

Printed By

CIRCULATION Circulation Manager - Annie O’Brien

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metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

NEWS & VIEWS Feedback Readers react to stories from the Dec. 4 issue. e re ei e mmen s a u Jeffrey Billmans n rme issen lumn Dave Hornstein: Jeﬀrey Billman was way too cynical in his assessments of the prospects of Joe Biden, Medicare for All, and Donald Trump. Biden is not the clear front-runner for the Democratic presidential nomination. In fact, polls, particularly from Iowa, show a close four-way race between Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Pete Buttigieg. Who leads depends on who’s taking the poll, where and when.

8 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

Should he flop, Biden won’t be the equivalent of Kerry, but instead it would be Joe Biden 2020 Jeb Bush 2016. In each case, we would have a safe and lackluster establishment favorite who falls flat on his face once the voters have their say. Billman missed the boat when he said, “The M4A fight is pointless.” He completely failed to mention the popularity of Medicare for All, which tops 0 percent in some polls, including 85 percent of Democrats. Pushing for it won’t provide Trump with ammo, but may peel off some of his supporters when they see that M4A is in their best interest. Arguments against it are filled with easily refuted lies, just like almost everything Trump says. a e an ini n urse y u en ee a le ers me r imes. m.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

NEWS & VIEWS

DONKEY HOTEY/CREATIVE COMMONS

Informed Dissent

The Grinch who ate the constitution By Jeffrey C. Billman

One of Donald Trump’s few substantive defenses against the allegations that brought about his impeachment last week is that he didn’t try to extort an investigation into Joe Biden and a crackpot DNC server conspiracy theory for his own political beneﬁt, but rather, he sought “a favor though” for the good of the country. The evidence for this, the president and his defenders say, is in the notquite-a-transcript the White House released of the July 25 call between Trump and then-newly elected Ukrainian president Volodymr Zelensky. Zelensky thanks the U.S. for pressuring Russia through sanctions, then expresses interest in buying more missiles. And Trump, of course, replies, “I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it. […] There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. I think you’re surrounding yourself with some of the same people. I would like to have the Attorney General call you or your

people and I would like you to get to the bottom of it.” Zelensky mentions that one of his assistants had spoken to Rudy Giuliani, the president’s personal lawyer. Trump says, “I will ask him to call you along with the Attorney General.” In Trump’s telling, that he referenced Attorney General William Barr shows that he was concerned about corruption in Ukraine. Put aside that this runs contrary to every known fact about Donald Trump. Instead, focus on how casually Trump lumps in the attorney general of the United States with his lawyer, who’d spent the better part of a year in Ukraine trying to manufacture a sham investigation into the Bidens — and who, incidentally, is reportedly under federal investigation. In Trump’s mind, they’re exactly the same. They’re his guys. That should be a red ﬂag. The attorney general is not the president’s lawyer. The attorney general is — in theory — the lawyer for

10 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

the American people, whose fidelity is to the country and the Constitution. Trump doesn’t see it that way, however. So a year ago, Trump forced out his first AG, Jeff Sessions — the first U.S. senator to endorse his presidential campaign — because he deemed Sessions insufficiently loyal during Russiagate. For his second AG nominee, Trump wasn’t taking any chances. Bill Barr believes in the unitary executive theory — put simply, the president is essentially above the law and has total control of the government’s law enforcement system. Barr was also willing to play lackey. So, for instance, when the Mueller report came in, Barr dashed off a letter to Congress saying — deceptively, it turned out — that Trump had been cleared of wrongdoing, obscuring Mueller’s findings that the president had repeatedly obstructed justice and that he was only not charged with a crime because the Department of Justice policy forbade it. And when, with Trump staring down impeachment earlier this month, the DOJ’s inspector general released a long-awaited report demolishing Trump’s batshit claims about a Deep State vendetta against his presidential campaign, Barr sent out an unprecedented statement contradicting his department’s IG. If nothing

else, he’s a company man. More troubling was his speech to the Federalist Society in November, in which he leaned into his role as a partisan actor, accusing anyone to the left of Attila the Hun of “undermining [the] rule of law” and Congress of — as a “pursuit of choice” — “drown ing the Executive Branch with ‘oversight’ demands for testimony and documents.” These are not co-equal branches, Barr believes. If the president finds congressional oversight annoying, he should ignore it. Also, progressives — what with their “civil rights” and other such nonsense — are snowflakes, while conservatives are grounded in reason and, as such, at a political disadvantage. “In any age,” Barr opined, “the socalled progressives treat politics as their religion ... Conservatives, on the other hand, do not seek an earthly paradise. … Conservatives tend to have more scruple over their political tactics and rarely feel that the ends justify the means.” Obviously, Bill Barr has never heard the name Mitch McConnell or watched C-SPAN in the last decade or so. But gaslighting — or, more charitably, being obtuse — isn’t what bothers me most about Barr; that’s par for the course in the modern GOP. It’s this: Earlier this month, Barr told a roomful of cops that “the American people have to focus on something else, which is the sacrifice and the service that is given by our law enforcement officers. And they have to start showing, more than they do, the respect and support that law enforcement deserves. … If communities don’t give that support and respect, they might find themselves without the police protection they need.” In other words, show your cops love — i.e., don’t protest if they beat up or shoot a person of color — or, well, you just never know, do you? This is an attorney general, of course, who has criticized local district attorneys in Philadelphia and St. Louis for calling for police accountability and who has demanded zero tolerance for “resisting police.” To recap, then: Trump should be able to do whatever he wants. Trump should have unchecked control over the law enforcement apparatus. Law enforcement should be able to do whatever it wants. Resisters? ero tolerance. Protesters? It’d be a shame if something happened to them. All hail the police state.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

NEWS & VIEWS The 2019 Dooby Awards Looking back on a shitty year By Lee DeVito

As much as we’d like to just ﬂush 2019 down the drain, it’s tradition at the Metro Times to take one last look back and dole out the Dooby Awards, honoring “the most dubious, foolhardy, baﬄing, hilarious, or just plain bad stories” of the year. In that sense, 2019 didn’t disappoint. This year’s trophy is shaped like a golden toilet in honor of a Detroit Fire Department prank gone horribly wrong, one of the year’s most WTF moments, but there were plenty of other stinkers in this year’s pile o’ shit. Let’s dive in, shall we?

March: Education Secretary Betsy DeVos proposes, for the third year in a row, to eliminate funding for the Special Olympics in her annual budget request — a move that’s apparently too cartoonishly villainous even for President Donald Trump. After DeVos spends three days defending the cuts, Trump tells reporters the funding will materialize

January: 2019 gets oﬀ to a roaring start, with Michigan’s former GOP governor John Engler once again sparking controversy, this time as interim president of Michigan State University. At the beginning of 2018 he replaced Lou Anna Simon, who resigned amid the sexabuse scandal surrounding the school’s gymnastics coach Larry Nassar. Many pointed out that Engler was a bad choice; aside from being connected to MSU, while governor, he tried to derail legal action stemming from a massive prison sex-abuse scandal involving 500 female inmates. It all comes to a head in January, after less than a year on the job, when Engler tells The Detroit News editorial board that he believes Nassar’s victims are “enjoying” the “recognition,” drawing swift condemnation. He resigns days later. February: In February, the geniuses behind the Grammy Awards decide to honor the 60th anniversary of Motown with a tribute act starring … Jennifer Lopez? Though Lopez is joined onstage by Black artists, including Smokey Robinson, Alicia Keys, and Ne-Yo, many question the choice to have a Latina represent the iconic label — and during Black History Month, no less.

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after all. “I’ve been to the Special Olympics,” he says. “I think it’s incredible, and I just authorized funding.” DeVos soon releases a statement reversing course. “I am pleased and grateful the President and I see eye-to-eye on this issue and that he has decided to fund our Special Olympics grant,” she says, adding, inexplicably, “This is funding I have fought for behind the scenes over the last several years.” April: After years of playing faithful cheerleaders to Detroit’s billionaire Ilitch family, Detroit’s mainstream media does an about-face after an episode of HBO’s Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel airs examining “whether government oﬃcials in Michigan gave a sweetheart arena deal to the wealthy Ilitch family despite Detroit facing an $18 billion bankruptcy — the largest of any city in U.S. history.” (MT MT asked that very question years earlier, in a 2014 cover story.) As the HBO doc points out, the neighborhoods surrounding the arena hardly resemble the bustling renderings of “the District Detroit” that the ISTOCKPHOTO.COM

Ilitches used to help seal the deal and secure hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars. Instead, we have drab parking lots. (As usual, the Ilitches refuse to be interviewed for the story, and afterward denounce it as a “self-interested, sensationalized and inaccurate report.”) After the show airs, The Detroit News demands: “Ilitches owe the city of Detroit answers.” In May, the Detroit Free Press acknowledges the “huge gap” between the Ilitches’ promise and performance. May: Ben Carson, Trump’s Housing and Urban Development Secretary, is probably fairly smart — he’s literally a brain surgeon. But that doesn’t mean he has any business heading up HUD. At a House Financial Services Committee hearing, U.S. Rep. Katie Porter (D-California) asks Carson if he knows what an REO is — a common housing term related to foreclosure that refers to a “real-estate owned” property. “Oreo?” Carson asks. A few hours later, Carson sends Porter a box of Oreos as a mea culpa, but, like, yeesh. June: Though Republican Senate candidate John James presents himself as a heroic military vet, he’s been treading lightly when it comes to the issue of toxic Trump. Posts shared on his social media account from a fundraising dinner in Macomb County appear to take great pains to avoid showing the giant metallic balloons behind James that spelled out “TRUMP.” Beyond that, James apparently removed previous posts referencing Trump, including one that expressed “2000%” support for Trump’s agenda. James spends the rest of the year refusing to talk to local media and has yet to hold a public campaign event in Michigan. July: Two City of Detroit workers are injured after ﬁrecrackers explode when they sit down on toilets at the ﬁre department’s apparatus and repair shop near Eastern Market — in what Deputy Fire Commissioner Dave Fornell calls “a prank gone bad.” At least

one of the General Services Department employees is sent to the hospital with injuries to his leg and testicles. August: Marysville City Council candidate Jean Cramer shocks Michiganders when she says she believes her town should be kept “a white community as much as possible.” During a community forum, Cramer attacks Mayor Pro Tem Kathy Hayman, whose extended family includes a father of Syrian ethnic descent, a Black son-in-law, and biracial grandchildren. “[A] husband and wife need to be the same race,” she says. “Same thing with kids. That’s how it’s been from the beginning of, how can I say, when God created the heaven and the earth. He created Adam and Eve at the same time. But as far as me being against Blacks, no I’m not.” Days later, Cramer withdraws from the race. September: Gov. Gretchen Whitmer announces, seemingly out of the blue, a ban on ﬂavored nicotine vaping products in an eﬀort to curb teen vaping. At the same time, people around the country are dying

of a mysterious vaping-related illness. As evidence grows that the deaths are linked to vitamin E acetate, a product used in black-market cannabis vaping cartridges, the state’s health department remains narrowly focused on youth nicotine vaping. (In November, after MT publishes numerous articles on the issue, the state orders all cannabis products to be tested for vitamin E acetate. And in December, the state orders the recall of cannabis products sold at Elite Wellness in Mount Morris for testing positive for high levels of vitamin E acetate, dispelling the notion that the danger was only ever in the black market.) October: Founders Brewing Co. makes national headlines when MT publishes a leaked deposition of a racial descrimination lawsuit ﬁled by former employee Tracy Evans, who alleges “blatant” racism at the company. In the leaked transcripts, a manager claims he didn’t know that Evans, who is obviously Black, was Black — and even worse, he claims he doesn’t know if former President Barack Obama, Kwame

Kilpatrick, or Michael Jordan are Black either. Swift public backlash ensues, the beer is dropped from menus, the Detroit taproom is temporarily closed, and the company’s diversity and inclusion director resigns. Eventually the company settles with Evans, and promises to do better — pledging to donate its reopened Detroit taproom profits to local charities. November: Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan’s myriad scandals came to a head in November, when City Council votes against a $250 million bond proposal to fight blight. As the Detroit Free Press reports, the move seems to signal growing distrust with the Duggan administration, which had until this point enjoyed support. Where to begin? There was the Detroit Inspector General report, which concludes that Duggan directed city funds to Make Your Date, a prenatal health program run by a woman with whom he has allegedly been having an extramarital affair. Then chief of staff Alexis Wiley, a former journalist, orders emails related to the scandal to be deleted, and is not repri-

manded. There’s also the fact that the demolition program itself is the center of a years-long federal probe, revealing other backdoor deals and mismanagement, calling to mind the corruption of the Kilpatrick administration. December: Little Caesars Arena severs ties with Kid Rock, announcing it will not renew its lease with Kid Rock’s Made in Detroit restaurant. The move comes after the rock star goes on a drunken rant against Oprah Winfrey at his Nashville Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse, in which he appears in a video to be so intoxicated that he has to be removed by security. Ilitch Holdings says it looks forward to replacing Made in Detroit with a new concept “that aligns with our community and company values,” and Kid Rock releases a statement of his own suggesting that if the restaurant relocates, it won’t be in the Motor City. “I guess the millions of dollars I pumped into that town was not enough,” he writes. Don’t let the door hit you, Kid. In all seriousness, we hope he gets the help he so obviously needs.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

The People Issue Generation Z is already changing the world (and Michigan) in both large and small ways By MT staff It’s 2019, and Millennials are still getting stereotyped by the media as a bunch of whiny little entitled kids. OK, boomer, we have some bad news for you: The oldest millennials are nearly 40 now — far from whiny little entitled kids — and that makes you hella old. It also means that there’s a new generation coming of age now: Generation Z. Defined as the generation born starting in the late ’90s, the somewhat ominously named cohort — what comes after ? — is different from millennials in that it never really knew a time before the digital era. Many basically grew up with a smartphone in their hands, and while much has been made about the ways technology and social media have warped our souls, it can also be a powerful sword if wielded masterfully. In that sense, Gen Z have proved themselves to be warriors. Witness the survivors of last year’s Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School massacre in Parkland, Florida, who took to social media with the hashtag #NeverAgain, giving the gun-control debate a jolt of energy and urgency. Earlier this year, the Sunrise Movement posted a viral video showing elementary school children confronting California Sen. Dianne Feinstein about supporting a Green New Deal. (“There’s no way to pay for it,” Feinstein says dismissively. “We have tons of money going to the military,” a young girl expertly responds. A recent study of the Pentagon’s budget by an MSU professor revealed, essentially, a $21 trillion black hole.) Then there’s Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old Swedish activist whose quest to save the planet from anthropogenic climate has amassed millions of followers on social media, leading her to recently be named Time magazine’s person of the year — the youngest person ever to hold the distinction — and triggering President Snowflake in the process. It’s certainly the case here in Michigan, too. 12-year-old Mari Copeny, better known on social media as “Little

Miss Flint,” is somewhat of an analog to Thunberg, using social media to raise awareness about the ongoing Flint water crisis. Others have made an impact in smaller ways, from squeezing in gun control and environmental activism in between school and work, to using their high-school graduation speech to speak out against injustice, to simply helping keep jazz and an iconic rock album alive. We present to you our 2019 Generation Z people of the year. —Lee DeVito

Mari Copeny, aka ‘Little Miss Flint’ On a recent Thursday afternoon, Amariyanna “Mari” Copeny — better known on social media as Little Miss Flint — is carrying empty cardboard boxes out of Grand Blanc’s Woodland Park Academy into a recycling bin. She and other volunteers have just finished unloading toys, electronics, and food for a holiday drive for local families. As we enter through a side door propped open by a case of bottled drinking water, we’re greeted by a staff member folding more cardboard boxes. When we ask to speak with Loui Brezzell, Mari’s mother, Mari pipes up: “I’m Little Miss Flint.” Mari leads us to her mother, but we overhear Mari tell her sister and her aunt she doesn’t want to do an interview at this moment. She’d rather be helping set up the toy drive. On a gymnasium stage, Brezzell guides us through tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of donations — $5,000 worth of books, roughly $18,000 worth of toys, and another $3,000 worth of Amazon Fire tablets. There are winter coats, uniforms, backpacks, school supplies, and what Brezzell estimates to be another $8,000 to $9,000 worth of “stuff.” Later, we duck into a kindergarten classroom to start the interview. While Little Miss Flint wasn’t initially thrilled about pausing her fundraiser prep work

14 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

Mari Copeny, aka “Little Miss Flint.”

to speak with a reporter, she eventually lets us into her world. Before becoming one of the many faces of the Flint water crisis, Mari was a beauty pageant contestant, which is how she earned her nickname, “Little Miss Flint.” Mari says she doesn’t remember much from that period in her life, and frankly doesn’t like reminiscing on it. However, she does remember pageants as being “dramatic,” as parents would often get upset if their child didn’t win ﬁrst prize. “All of the moms complained about how their kid didn’t win,” Mari says. “I’m kind of too old to be wearing a crown and sash around, traveling around. That’s just a little bit baby-ish.” The events of the next few years would see Little Miss Flint grow up faster than most. When the #BlackLivesMatter campaign against police brutality started, Mari got involved. “Back before the water crisis kind of made headlines, she was already kind of known [for] trying to help the kids

BRITTANY GREESON

not be so afraid of the local police,” Brezzell says. “She was always taking cupcakes to police officers and little fun stuff.” Then the Flint water crisis hit. In 2016, Mari, then 8 years old, watched as her mother covered her sister Keilani in an ointment and plastic wrap because she was breaking out in mysterious rashes. What they didn’t know is that the tap water flowing from their own faucets was contaminated with lead and other toxic chemicals. “We didn’t know what was causing it,” Brezzell says. “We thought it was the detergent or something. Then, we found out it was from the water.” Of course, we now know that in 2014, while under state-appointed emergency management, the disastrous decision was made to try to save money by switching the city’s drinking water source from Lake Huron and the Detroit River to the Flint River. But the leaders didn’t bother to treat the water properly, resulting in lead being leached from the pipes into the drink-

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

The People Issue ing water supply. Once the crisis was exposed, Mari wrote a letter to then-President Barack Obama before embarking on a bus ride to Washington to watch then-Gov. Rick Snyder testify about Flint before Congress, inviting Obama to visit Flint. “My mom said chances are you will be too busy with more important things, but there is a lot of people coming on these buses and even just a meeting from you or your wife would really lift people’s spirits,” she wrote. Obama announced his decision to visit Flint by posting his response letter to Mari. “You’re right that Presidents are often busy, but the truth us, in America, there is no more important title than citizen,” he wrote. “Letters from kids like you are what make me so optimistic for the future.” (Months later, Mari would meet another president when she met then-candidate Donald Trump, though the look of unease on her face in a viral photo of the two would appear to be foreshadowing.) Now 12, Mari has expanded her advocacy work beyond the city of Flint into communities like Newark, New Jersey, east Chicago, and Pittsburgh, where water has also been contaminated. She’s also gearing up to release a brand of water filters with her name on them in collaboration with water filtration company Hydroviv. Brezzell says it took about half a year and several fundraising campaigns before owner Eric Roy was on board. Brezzell says Roy and the family were friends long before the attention from President Obama came. “He did a fundraiser to send filters here, and he sent us one of his filters initially,” she says. But the family ended up giving it away to an elderly neighbor who needed it more. Mari says that while the new filtration systems are a start, more work still needs to be done in Flint and across the country as government slowly replaces the cities’ aging infrastructure. Until then, activists like Mari will be there to make sure people never forget about places like Flint. —Jasmine Espy

Antonio Cipriano, budding Broadway star Antonio Cipriano admits he had no idea who Alanis Morissette was when he received a Facebook message from casting director Stephen Kopel asking the 19-year-old performer to audition for the role of Phoenix in the Jagged Little Pill Broadway musical.

acters and the worlds they inhabit is told through the songs from the record and includes some from Morissette’s later work and parallel issues faced by a modern family: addiction, race, rape, and trauma. “She wrote Jagged Little Pill when she 19,” Cipriano says of Morissette. “So when she was my age, she wrote Jagged Little Pill. I cannot imagine myself ever doing that.” He adds that the awardwinning Canadian songwriter is “the nicest human ever” and one of the most intelligent people he’s ever met. “She’s literally like my mom,” he says. Jagged Little Pill the musical will be Cipriano’s home through early July, just a few weeks after Morissette embarks on a North American tour celebrating the 25th anniversary of the record. He and his castmates perform eight shows a week, padded with daytime rehearsals. Though he says the transition from Michigan to New York City has been a crazy one, he’s working at staying present so he can soak it all in. “It’s crazy all the time, but it’s also the best city ever,” he says. “I’ve met so many awesome people. I have so many great friends here. It’s a very exhausting process for sure, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s really incredible. I’m very grateful.” —Jerilyn Jordan

Antonio Cipriano.

“I was like, who the hell is this Alanis Morissette person?” Cipriano says. “My mom overheard me saying that and she was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’” It wasn’t until his mother played Morissette’s seminal 1995 record that Cipriano realized that Jagged Little Pill was the soundtrack to his childhood. “I know almost every single song on this album,” he says. “I don’t know who Alanis Morissette is, but I know all of this music. I’ve heard this music growing up my entire life. It’s really cool how she had an impact on me before I even knew who she was, and now I’m singing ‘Ironic’ and ‘Head Over Feet’ in the show. It’s pretty incredible.” Raised in Grosse Pointe, Cipriano had always dreamt of the Broadway stage but never saw it coming into fruition as it did. As a junior at University Liggett High School, Cipriano was selected to represent his school at the annual Sutton Foster Ovation Awards, which honors achievements made by high school drama students throughout Michigan. After winning the award for

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COURTESY PHOTO

best actor, he went on to the National High School Musical Theatre Awards — or the Jimmy Awards — where he placed as a finalist. A few months later, Kopel sent the Facebook message that would eventually make Cipriano’s dream come true. “After the Jimmy Awards, it was like, Oh, I can actually achieve this dream,” he says. “I can actually do this. Because it was always just like a thought. It was always an idea. But how am I gonna get there? What am I going to do to get there? So when it actually happened, it was unbelievable.” Jagged Little Pill, which was written by Academy Award-winning filmmaker Diablo Cody (Juno) and directed by Tony Award-winner Diane Paulus (Pippin), took nearly seven years to manifest. Morissette told The New York Times in a recent profile that the Broadway show is in no way a jukebox musical — later confirmed by an NYT review of the show, hailing it as a “joyful and redemptive” evolution of the jukebox genre. The story of eight char-

Tayiona White, all-around-activist At 17, Tayiona White is busier than most adults — and she doesn’t seem to mind. A junior at Cass Tech High School, Tayiona heads from the classroom to the Potbelly Sandwich Shop every weekday for a four-hour shift before ending her long day with homework. It’s on the weekends when the 16-year-old directs her energies toward her passions — gun control and environmental justice, to name a few. She’s the social media coordinator for Detroit Area Youth United Michigan (DAYUM), an activist organization run by high school students. On Sundays, DAYUM holds meetings and invites people to learn about activism and social issues. “Whatever is important to us, we talk about it and try to help,” she says. DAYUM has coordinated events such as a student strike on count day, a Youth Summit on Guns and Violence, a watertesting research project, a demonstration calling for climate action, and The March for Our Lives, a student-led rally in support of stronger gun controls.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

The People Issue

Tayiona White.

They’ve protested water shutoffs, education inequality, and Project Green Light, an expanding surveillance system in Detroit. “I want to be involved in change,” Tayiona tells Metro Times. “I don’t want to sit back and watch it happen.” Tayiona’s generation is faced with the horrifying realities of climate change and mass shootings. While elected officials more than twice her age are ignoring the grave issues, Tayiona is among the generation that is confronting them head on. “We have to fight for stricter gun control,” Tayiona says. “It should be simple, but we have to fight for it.” Tayiona is also concerned about environmental contamination. In southwest Detroit, for example, dozens of factories are belching dangerous chemicals into the air. For Tayiona, issues such as gun control and climate change are common sense. People’s safety should be the priority. She recognizes that changing the world likely begins with her generation. “A lot of the stuff that is happening has been going on for too long,” Tayiona says. “It’s time for change. It’s a new age and a new era.”

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When Tayiona graduates from high school, she wants to continue helping make the world a better place. Her plan is to become a pediatric nurse. “I want to help kids,” she says. “I feel like everything starts with your childhood. If I can do anything to help a child, I want to.” —Steve Neavling

Tuhfa Kasem, a student who spoke up Tuhfa Kasem wanted more. A senior at Detroit’s Universal Academy charter school, Kasem, then 1 , had become disenchanted with the way her school was being run. Her favorite teachers were ﬁred during her freshman year, there was a lack of certiﬁed teachers to teach her throughout her high school career, and she and her peers had to endure a string of substitute teachers instead. After getting involved with 482Forward, a citywide network dedicated to making sure Detroit children have access to quality education, she started to learn that her experience at UA wasn’t typical. “I thought it was just like a normal thing in every school, that that’s how

18 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

Tuhfa Kasem.

all schools run and that’s how everyone gets treated,” she says. “I started realizing that it’s just educational injustice in speciﬁc schools, or in schools that don’t get enough funding, or schools that aren’t in the best places — and those are the schools that get mistreated.” Kasem is a smart, ambitious young woman. The youngest of four, she was born in Yemen and moved to the U.S. when she was years old. After Kasem was named salutatorian of her graduating class, she says an idea came to her while she was sitting in her room a few days before the ceremony: She would focus her speech on her frustrating educational experience at UA. She went to the living room to tell her family what she wanted to do. “I was like, Guys, I have a plan,’” Kasem says. “Growing up, they always raised me to stand up for what I believe in, and if I know I’m doing the right thing, then just go for it.” When the day came to make the speech, Kasem was nervous. But the nerves vanished when she took the stage. In her speech, Kasem railed against the “unlawful” injustices she and her peers experienced at the school. “Thinking we’d just stay quiet and ac-

COURTESY PHOTO

cept it as first-generation Yemeni and Iraqi students, I can honestly say it’s partially our faults since we’ve tolerated it for a majority of the time. The few times we would speak out, we’d quickly be shut down and excuses would be shoved down our throats and we’d be given no option but to accept them,” Kasem says. “I’ll give this administration props for the one thing they’re good at, which is switching the problems back on the students.” The administration swiftly cut Kasem’s mic, which led to the audience asking her to talk louder. “So then I just moved away from the mic, and I started screaming without it,” she says. The battle didn’t end there. After graduating, UA Students later noticed their transcripts had not been sent to them. Kasem and her peers visited the Dearborn Heights offices of Hamadeh Educational Services, which manages the school, but the staff locked the doors and wouldn’t let the children enter. A couple weeks after news of the incident went public, the students finally received their transcripts and diplomas — except Kasem and her fellow salutatorian, ainab Altalaqani, who

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

The People Issue had also made a speech criticizing UA. Then, they received transcripts, but no diplomas — the school held them until Kasem and others went to an Oakland University Board of Trustees meeting with a list of demands. OU then intervened and made sure Kasem and Altalaqani received their diplomas. Kasem says the experience opened her eyes. “There are people that are going to try to get in your way and always try to make everything worse for everyone,” she says. “And they’re always going to be there — but if you don’t fight it, then it’s just going to get worse.” Today, Kasem is focused on her freshman year at Wayne State University, and she hopes to become a dentist. She is also continuing her work with 482Forward to fight against educational inequity in Detroit public charter schools. She says she hopes her speech and her continued efforts will urge Universal Academy to hear the voices of its students. “The students do know what’s best for themselves and what they need in order to be successful,” Kasem says. “We are going to start speaking up, and we do expect change — and not for you to just shut us down.” Looking back on her graduation speech, Kasem says she realized what she’s capable of. “I never knew I really had that in me, you know?” she says. “I guess no one does until they actually do it. And I think it’s inside everyone — they just have to find it.” —Sonia Khaleel

Alexis Lombre, jazz virtuoso At 22, Alexis Lombre has the work ethic of a veteran jazz star. The jazz pianist and vocalist should be exhausted given her touring schedule the past year — all while keeping up with the demands of her senior year at the University of Michigan (she graduates next spring). When not on the road, Lombre holds court at various jazz clubs in Detroit, including Cliﬀ Bell’s, where she held a two-year residency on Tuesday nights this year. And when she returns to her hometown of Chicago, she performs in popular jazz spots such as the Jazz Showcase with local heavies like saxophonist Rajiv Halim. She’s among a crop of young musicians such as Allen Dennard, Trunino Lowe, and Kasan Belgrave making a name for themselves in Detroit. Her debut album, 2017’s Southside Sounds,

Alexis Lombre.

exempliﬁes her songwriting expertise. It’s obvious she’s studied: Her left hand infuses the spirits of greats such as Bobby Timmons and Herbie Hancock, and her right hand channels the ghosts of Detroiters Tommy Flanagan and Hank Jones. Lombre grew up on Chicago’s Southside. Her folks weren’t musicians, but music was a big part of her household, where everything from R&B to jazz was available.“I come from serious music lovers,” Lombre says. “My grandparents had a huge love for jazz and passed it down to my mother, and that love passed down to me.” Listening to her discuss her love of R&B musicians such as Earth Wind & Fire, Frankie Beverly and Maze, and Ray Charles with such enthusiasm, you’d swear she’s of a different era. Lombre started taking classical piano at 9, and jazz around 12. She found her teachers were telling her conﬂicting techniques, so she had to choose which genre she would stick with.

20 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

COURTESY PHOTO

“I deﬁnitely felt more like myself playing jazz,” she says, “but I still love classical music.” She gives credit to her mentors, including Kansas City pianist Steve Million and Willie Pickens, a Chicago music legend, whom she studied privately with after receiving the Jazz Institute of Chicago Kiewit-Wang Mentorship Award. Another key mentor in her development was jazz pianist Benny Green, an alumnus of Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers, who encouraged her to attend U-M. “He told me he was teaching at U-M, and I followed him,” she says. “Then I heard about Ellen Rowe, who is a piano teacher there, and Marion Hayden, so when I saw all the women on the faculty, I was like this was a move I had to make.” Seeing the important role Detroit has played in jazz, as well as the huge female presence on the jazz scene, also aﬃrmed Lombre’s decision to move to Detroit. The Motor City has his-

torically been a hub for accomplished female jazz musicians, such as pianists Terry Jean Pollard, Alice Coltrane, and Alma Smith — “musical mothers,” as Lombre calls them. Those include bassist Marion Hayden and drummer Gayelynn McKinney of the Grammywinning group Straight Ahead, who have also coached her. “It’s really empowering having two strong women who support you and your ideas,” she says. “Sometimes when I had older men in my group, I’ve had them still try and run my band a little bit because I’m younger and not really [embrace] my ideas.” Lombre says it’s been encouraging playing with local musicians in Detroit because they’re receptive to female musicians. “When I was coming up in Chicago, they really didn’t know what to do with me,” she says. Since moving to Detroit in 2015, Lombre has grown by leaps and bounds, touring nationally and internationally. In January, she performed in South Africa with Chicago saxophonist Ernest Dawkins. She’s also opened up for pianist Robert Glasper and saxophonist Jimmy Heath. Her biggest OMG moment so far has been befriending multi-Grammy winning jazz bassist Esperanza Spalding, whom she met at the Dirty Dog Jazz Cafe last year when Spalding performed a tribute to pianist Geri Allen. Lombre asked Spalding to sit in. “I’m like her annoying little sister,” Lombre says with a laugh. “Our stories are very similar. We grew up rough, but luckily had a lot of programs that could invest their time in [us], so when I read her story, she showed me that I can actually pursue this.” Like Spalding, Lombre is musically eclectic — evident during a recent set at Cliff Bell’s, where she opened with Michael Jackson’s “I Can’t Help It,” then moved into Geri Allen’s “Unconditional Love.” One of her goals, she says, is keeping the “soul” in music alive, so don’t expect her to just be tied down to jazz. She simply goes where the music leads her. “I like playing all different types of music,” she says. “I played a straight ahead jazz gig on Friday, then on Saturday I played an R&B and salsa gig, and on Sunday, I played an avantgarde gig. I love being able to go from different situations musically.” You can catch Lombre next from 7-10 p.m. on Wednesday, Jan. 8 performing with Nomad at Blue LLama in Ann Arbor. — Veronica Johnson

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

FOOD The best things we ate this year

These metro Detroit dishes were so good we’re getting hungry just thinking about them By Tom Perkins Aunt Dotty Oysters, served at Mabel Gray, Otus Supply, and other fine metro Detroit restaurants See metrotimes.com for our Oct. 16 feature, “In search of Detroit’s best oysters” The complex Aunt Dotty oysters from Massachusetts’ Island Creek Oyster company hold meaty little nuggets that start off briny, then throw a mineral punch that concludes with a somewhat bitter note. It’s a fascinating progression. The Dotty is among the many fine oysters that the city’s bivalve purveyors are sourcing from Island Creek in Duxbury Bay, which some call the Napa Valley of the oyster trade. Bistecca Con Chimichurri at Rincon Tropical 6538 Michigan Ave., Detroit; 313-3348526 Rincon Tropical’s bistecca con chimichurri is a sheet-thin strip of slightly fatty, chewy, griddle-charred skirt steak that’s salty and acidic from adobo and sofrito. The steak is served next to a mound of rice with gandules and more acidic punch from green olives. Cover that in Rincon’s chimichurri, which is composed of vinegar, parsley, oregano, garlic, salt, pepper, and more, and rack your brain to think of a better plate in Detroit. As a bonus, it’s served in a Puerto Rican nightclub. Fox Hollow Farm Pizza at The Bricks 15201 Kercheval Ave, Grosse Pointe Park; 313-925-3430; thebrickspizzeria.com The Bricks kitchen pulls many of its ingredients off the land at the farm it owns north of metro Detroit, and those are on display in the excellent Fox Hollow Farm egg pizza with red sauce, mozzarella, pancetta, red onion, and a fried egg that’s dusted with dried Hungarian pepper from Detour spices. The gooey egg yolk mixes well with the salty, fatty pancetta — essentially Italian bacon — and red onion. The salt-

acid-smoke combination over the sour background from Bricks’ sourdough, Neapolitan-style crust is what makes it. This pie stood out in a year full of a lot of new pizza in and around Detroit. Brown Stew Chicken at Delphine’s Jamaican Restaurant 14377 E. Nine Mile Rd., Warren; 586217-5000 Is there a better Jamaican dish than brown stew chicken? No. And Delphine’s, the new-ish Jamaican spot in Warren, does an excellent take. The bird is caramelized in what likely includes browning sauce and brown sugar, then slow-cooked in a marinade. Delphine’s chef said she adds onion, tomato, thyme, allspice, pimento, scallions, and Scotch bonnet peppers at various points. It’s super tender and slides right oﬀ the bone. Jamaican Pot’s brown stew chicken made the MT year-end list last year, and we’re hoping there’s more brown stew chicken to put on 2020’s year-end list. Black Shell Puttanesca at the Shinola Hotel 1400 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313356-1400; shinolahotel.com Perhaps the best of a menu full of excellent plates at Shinola’s San Morello restaurant is the black shells puttanesca, which arrives with big, sweet pink shrimp and small rings of tender calamari amid a perfectly salty mix of shells, sweet cherry tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, chili, white wine, anchovy, arugula, and bread crumbs with dehydrated olives, capers, and anchovy that provides a textural contrast. It’s a masterpiece, even if it’s made in the Shinola Hotel. Porcini-Mushroom soup at Savant 51 W. Forest Ave., Detroit; 313-2859294; savantmidtown.com One of the city’s top new restaurants is Savant, and though it’s a tight contest, there’s no missing the porcini-

22 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

Doner kebab at Balkan House.

parmesan soup. Half the fun is the presentation. A server brings a bowl holding only salt-roasted rutabaga, parsnip puree, pea tendrils, and fresh shaved parmesan. The soup arrives separately, and is poured into the bowl. The umami-heavy soup is made with fresh and dried porcinis, along with whole button mushrooms and shiitake, and the stock is reduced with cream, shallots, and sherry vinegar. That’s all hit with matsutake shoyu, which gives it even more of an umami burst. Steak and Eggs at Karl’s Diner 1509 Broadway St., Detroit; 313-8552757; karlsdetroit.com It would seem on the surface that Lady of the House chef Kate Williams dialed it down a bit for her new diner concept in downtown Detroit’s Wurlitzer Building, but a more informal setting doesn’t mean a drop in quality. The steak and eggs are a simple dish, but built on Karl’s excellent sourcing. The giant plate filled with two eggs and super tender and tasty teres major beef from west Michigan’s Cover Crop Ranch, and it’s likely the highest quality steak that you’ll find next to a pair of sunny-side-up eggs. The dish is filled out with a generous helping of fried redskin potatoes and a milk gravy made with sweet Vidalia onion, roux, rosemary, cayenne, and a finish of sweet sherry. New branzino at Zao Jun elegra h . Bl m el . 248-949-9999; zaojunnewasian.com ao Jun’s new branzino is composed of delicate tabs of raw fish that are adorned with a paper-thin slice of crunchy jalape o and microgreens. That sits in an intensely flavorful pool of truffle ponzu with shallots, garlic, and brightening yuzu. The recipe is nearly the same as that in the hamachi at Adachi, where ao Jun chef Lloyd Roberts also runs the show. (Adachi’s hamachi made the year-end last year ) Roberts

TOM PERKINS

says he decided to switch to branzino at ao Jun because some Michiganders didn’t like the hamachi’s fat. Agnolotto at Besa 600 Woodward Ave, Detroit; 313-3153000; besadetroit.com Besa is an awesome new-ish restaurant deep in downtown Detroit. There’s been a regime change in the kitchen since MT reviewed it, but the agnolotto was the old kitchen’s best offering. Agnolotto is the singular form of agnolotti, a cousin of ravioli. The plate holds one long agnolotto tube that’s covered with emulsified marrow and stuffed with housemade ricotta that’s mixed with microthyme, citrus, and cream cheese. The dough is flavored with pastrami spice, which is sweet from the brown sugar, and the emulsified marrow is made with apple vinegar reduction and cream. The agnolotto comes under three small bunches of wild mushrooms, and the entire plate is dusted with pastrami spice. Doner kebab at Balkan House Caniff . am ram 6234; balkanhouse-restaurant.business. site No restaurant and menu item blew up this year quite like Balkan House’s doner kebab. It deserved the praise. The doner’s lepinja bread is like a puffier, lighter, and softer pita, and Balkan House stuffs the pocket with salty, somewhat greasy, and thinly cut kebab meat that’s the pre-cut gyro variety, not sliced from a spit. The lamb and beef is counterbalanced with fresh slices of crunchy cucumber, white onion, red cabbage, shredded lettuce, and tomato slices. But owner Juma Ekic says the sauce is really what makes or breaks a doner. She uses a very garlicky Greek yogurt-based condiment and ladles it on thick, hits it with a dusting of sour sumac, and sends out of the kitchen a doner so packed that its contents nearly bust out of the lepinja.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

THIS WEEK

The Roots, The Fillmore, Dec. 27.

THU., 12/26-SUN., 12/29 The SpongeBob Musical @ Fox Theatre

MUSICAL Who would have thought a children’s cartoon about an asexual sponge who famously lives in a pineapple under the sea would have enchanted kids and adults alike for more than 20 years? Against all odds, Nickelodeon’s subversive, generation-spanning SpongeBob SquarePants ﬂoated on, normalized the absurd, and made it cool to have krabs … krabby patties, that is. And now, SpongeBob and friends are hitting the stage. In one of the most unexpectedly delightful musical interpretations since Triassic Parq (Google it), The SpongeBob Musical isn’t just a demented curiosity come to fruition — it’s a heavily celebrated, Tony Award-winning production (tying with Mean Girls in 2018 with 12 nominations). The SpongeBob Musical follows SquarePants (who is played by a person and not a person dressed like a sad, campy mall character) as he and his friends attempt to stop Bikini Bottom

COURTESY OF THE FILLMORE

What’s Going On

A week’s worth of things to do and places to do them from sliding into chaos and anarchy after a volcanic eruption threatens the town’s way of life. Along with posing existential quandaries, there’s pirates, roller skates, intrigue, Powerpoint presentations, postpunk-infused numbers about despair, and plenty of weird ﬁsh people. Oh, and Gary. (Meow!) —Jerilyn Jordan Performance times and dates vary; 2211 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-471-6611; 313presents.com. Tickets are $45+.

FRIDAY, 12/27 Cedric the Entertainer @ Sound Board

COMEDY Before Tyler the Creator or Chance the Rapper, there was Cedric the Entertainer — one of The Original Kings

24 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

of Comedy. Actor, voice actor, game show host, and comedian Cedric the Entertainer has been telling it like it is since he ﬁrst appeared as host of ComicView on BET in 1993. When he’s not teaming up with funny friends Ice Cube, Anthony Anderson, and Steve Harvey, he’s musing on hypothetical Black NASCAR sponsors. “No, our cars not sponsored by, you know, Home Depot and Verizon. Our cars get sponsored by Lionel’s Check Cash, Lisa’s House of Nails, and Fade to Black Barbershop,” he joked during a 2018 HBO special. Don’t forget about Black horse racing and Black jockeys’ horse names: “Oh, No You Didn’t,” “Shut My Screen Door,” “Oh, Hell Naw,” and “Wish A Motherfucker Would!” A testament to Cedric’s brand of comedy, the 55-year-old recently spoke at the funeral of John Witherspoon, the late Michigan-

born actor known for his role as Pops in the Friday franchise, and co-starring in 1998’s Ride, which marked Cedric’s ﬁrst feature ﬁlm — and had funeral-goers laughing, crying, and crying from laughing. —Jerilyn Jordan Performance begins at 8 p.m.; 2901 Grand River Ave., Detroit; 313-309-4614; soundboarddetroit.com. Tickets are $75+.

FRIDAY, 12/27 All Fizzed Up @ Royal Oak Music Theatre

DRINK Looking back, a portrait of 2019 America might look something like this: 30-50 feral hogs, the Presidential impeachment, scathing reviews of the CGI nightmare that is Cats, that chicken sandwich, Keanu Reeves’ “Keanaissance, ”and White Claw — the once endangered species of sweet, ﬁzzy, highly alcoholic nectar of the summer gods. Well, the spiked seltzer trend that is probably responsible for our extravagant rideshare spending last summer isn’t going

Friday 12/27

RoYaL GrAnD AnD FeRnWhAlE

saturday 12/28

The SpongeBob Musical, Fox Theatre, Dec. 26-29.

JEREMY DANIEL

anywhere. Hard-seltzer, dare we say, is a lifestyle, and with that comes metro Detroit’s ﬁrst ever event dedicated to spiked seltzer. Welcome to All Fizzed Up, the hard-seltzer tasting event of your deceptive hangover nightmares. The event will feature more than 60 varieties from more than 20 hard-seltzer vendors from all over the world. For $50, attendees can sample up to 10 -ounce pours of various hard seltzers, whereas VIP tickets ($ 0) will allow you to get 15 samples. Additional samples can be purchased, and all attendees will be given a commemorative pint glass, as well as a keepsake photo to remember the night you will surely forget. —Jerilyn Jordan Event begins at 8 p.m.; 318 W. Fourth St., Royal Oak; 248-399-2980; royaloakmusictheatre.com. Tickets start at $50.

FRIDAY, 12/27 The Roots @ The Fillmore

MUSIC The holidays are infectious, and not even Grammy Award-winning, Philadelphia alt-hip-hop pioneers the Roots are immune to the festive spirit. Though your stepmom may recognize the Roots as Jimmy Fallon’s long-standing house band on The Tonight Show, they’re also one of the most versatile, hard-working, serious ensembles around. Just look at the band’s 2014 self-described conceptual record, … And Then You Shoot Your Cousin, a somber and celebratory collection of musings on life, death, and consequence. As if a fulltime TV gig and steady tour schedule aren’t enough to tire the late-night sidekicks,

ThE PoLkA FlOyD ShOw ThE StRaInS BuRnInG ThInGs Friday 1/3

Dj LoGiC

Friday 1/10

FrOnT CoUnTrY

WsG SoUtH HiLl BaNkS & EsCaPiNg PaVeMeNt

Friday 1/17

Cedric the Entertainer (shown in 2016’s Barbershop: The Next Cut), SoundBoard, Dec. 27.

uestlove — the band’s centerpiece, drummer, and co-leader (a role he shares with rapper Tariq “Black Thought” Trotter ) — is also a celebrated author and foodie. In 201 , uestlove released his memoir, Mo’Meta Blues: The World According to Questlove, and Soul Train: The Music, Dance, and Style of a Generation, Something to Food About: Exploring Creativity with Innovative Chefs, and last year’s Creative Quest.. —Jerilyn Jordan Doors open at 7 p.m.; 2115 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-961-5451; he llm re e r i . m. i e s are $59.50+.

SATURDAY, 12/28 Trans-Siberian Orchestra @ Little Caesars Arena

MUSIC Christmas ain’t over till the

CHUCK ZLOTNICK/WARNER BROS. ENTERTAINMENT INC. AND METRO-GOLDWIN-MAYER PICTURES INC.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra says it’s over, motherfuckers. Who cares that Christmas was three days ago? Founded in 1996 by composer Paul O’Neill, a live performance by TSO’s massive orchestra ensemble has become a holiday tradition that fuses lasers, ’80s hair-band showmanship, ﬂoating stages, and enough pyrotechnics to lay serious waste to some chestnuts. Did we mention Christmas music? That’s right. TSO’s calling card, for some damn reason, is high-octane original holiday tunes for anyone looking to go jingle-balls-to-the-wall. This year’s performance will celebrate 25 years of Christmas Eve and Other Stories, TSO’s debut record, which, since its release, has become one of the best-selling Christmas records of all time. —Jerilyn Jordan Performances begin at 3 & 8 p.m.; 2645 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-471-7000; 313presents.com. Tickets are $44.50 +.

HeNhOuSe PrOwLeRs

Saturday 1/25

ArKaNsAuCe Tuesday 1/28

FrUiTiOn

WsG ThE MiGhTy PiNeS

Tuesday 2/4

TaUk

Friday 2/7

KyLe DaNiEl

FoR TiCkEtS & DiNnEr ReSeRvAtIoNs

ViSiT OtUsSuPpLy.CoM 345 E 9 MILE RD

FeRnDaLe

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

The

Old

Miami

THIS WEEK

OUR PATIO NIGHTLY BONFIRES ON

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 25TH

CHRISTMAS DAY OPEN REGULAR HOURS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27TH

CRIMSON EYED ORCHESTRA, ANCIENT ROBOTS, CAT LUNG

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28TH

WHISKERBLISTER, FROST HALF LIGHT

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31ST

ANNUAL NYE DANCE PARTY W/ NOTHING ELEGANT OPEN UNTIL 4AM

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1ST

NEW YEARS DAY OPEN REGULAR HOURS FRIDAY, JANUARY 3RD

WOODGRAIN JUNK BAND & PALS

OPEN EVERY DAY INCLUDING HOLIDAYS INSTAGRAM & FACEBOOK: THEOLDMIAMI CALL US FOR BOOKING! 313-831-3830

The Old Miami

3930 Cass • Cass Corridor • 313-831-3830

26 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

Michigan Rattlers, Magic Bag, Dec. 26.

MUSIC Thursday, Dec. 26 Schedule IV, Siamese, Vazum, DJ Asphyxia 7 p.m.; The Loving Touch, 22634 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $8.

Friday, Dec. 27 Billy Strings 8 p.m.; Majestic Theatre, 4140 Woodward Ave., Detroit; Sold-out. Every Avenue 6:30 p.m.; Saint Andrew’s Hall, 431 E. Congress St., Detroit; $20. Funkwagon 8 p.m.; Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., Ann Arbor; $10. Janet Gardner–Legendary voice of Vixen 7 p.m.; Token Lounge, 28949 Joy Rd., Westland; $15. Lochaven 8 p.m.; Pike Room, 1 S. Saginaw, Pontiac; $10. Michigan Rattlers 8 p.m.; Magic Bag, 22920 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $20. Shortly , Antighost, The True Blue , If Only If Only , Great Expectations 7 p.m.; The Loving Touch, 22634 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $12. The Roots’ Holiday Tour 7 p.m.; The Fillmore, 2115 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $59.50+.

DOUG COOMBE

4140 Woodward Ave., Detroit; Sold-out. Chosen By Fate 9 p.m.; Cobb’s Corner, 4201 Cass Ave., Detroit; No cover. CRAZY BABIES, MOTORBREATH, MOTORDEAD 7 p.m.; Token Lounge, 28949 Joy Rd., Westland; $15. Curtis Taylor Quartet 7 & 9:30 p.m.; The Blue LLama Jazz Club, 314 S. Main St., Ann Arbor; $15+. Ratt presented by WRIF 7 p.m.; The Fillmore, 2115 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $10.10-$49.50. Rhythm Corps 7:30 p.m.; Saint Andrew’s Hall, 431 E. Congress St., Detroit; $25. RockStar: ‘Tis the Reason for the Cheezin’ Holiday Party 8 p.m.; Magic Bag, 22920 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $12. The Sanctuary Showcase! 5 p.m.; The Sanctuary, 29 2 Caniﬀ St., Detroit; $10. Trans-Siberian Orchestra 2019 Presented By Hallmark Channel 3 & 8 p.m.; Little Caesars Arena, 2645 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $44.50-$74.50.. WILSON’s “Thank You, Goodnight”–The Final Party 4:30 p.m.; The Crofoot Festival Grounds, 1 S Saginaw St, Pontiac; $12.

Trace of Lime, The Doozers, Doctor Daisy 7 p.m.; Magic Stick, 4120 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $10.

Young Adult Fiction, Andrea Doria, Pursuer, In a Daydream, Benthos 8 p.m.; Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., Ann Arbor; $10.

Saturday, Dec. 28

Sunday, Dec. 29

Autograf 9 p.m.; The Grasshopper Underground, 22757 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $10-$20.

Delvon Lamarr Organ Trio with Dylan Dunbar Quartet 7 p.m.; Magic Bag, 22920 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $20.

Billy Strings 8 p.m.; Majestic Theatre,

Trans Siberian Orchestra, Little Caesars Arena, Dec. 28.

Monday, Dec. 30 The Marsupials 8 p.m.; Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., Ann Arbor; $8+.

Tuesday, Dec. 31 NYE 2020: SHERIF w/ Mona Black, Gateo + more. 9 p.m.; The Grasshopper Underground, 22757 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $5+. The Mega 80s 8 p.m.; Magic Bag, 22920 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $35. Saved By The 90s–Party Like Its 1999! (20 Years Later) 8 p.m.; Saint Andrew’s Hall, 431 E. Congress St., Detroit; $13. SNAILS 7 p.m.; Royal Oak Music Theatre, 318 W. Fourth St., Royal Oak; $35+. Stormy Chromer 8 p.m.; Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., Ann Arbor; $15.

THEATER DJ WHITTINGTON’S KOOL KAT: A HIP-HOP PANTO by Carla Milarch and R. Mackenzie Lewis– World Premiere Through Dec. 29. Friday, 7:30 p.m., Saturday, 3 p.m. & 7:30 p.m., and Sunday, 2 p.m.; Theatre Nova, 410 W. Huron St., AnnArbor; $10-$25. PuppetART Presents: Sleeping

Beauty Sunday 4 p.m.; The Music Hall, 350 Madison Ave., Detroit; $15. The Spongebob Musical ThursdaySunday. Fox Theatre, 2211 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-471-6611; $45+.

COMEDY “Improv in the D” New Year’s Eve Show Tuesday, 8 & 10 p.m.; The Detroit Writing Room, 1514 Washington Blvd., Detroit; $75-$99. 313 Comedy Night Sunday, 8 p.m.; Detroit Shipping Company, 474 Peterboro St., Detroit; Free. All-Star Showdown Fridays, Saturdays, 8 & 10 p.m.; Go Comedy! Improv Theater, 261 E. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; $20. Cedric The Entertainer Friday, 8 p.m.; Sound Board, 2901 Grand River Ave., Detroit; $75+. Charlie Berens Saturday, 3 p.m.; Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle, 310 S. Troy St., Royal Oak; $25. Cocktail Comedy Hour Fridays, Saturdays, 8-9 p.m.; The Independent Comedy Club at Planet Ant, 2 20 Caniﬀ Ave., Hamtramck; $10.

BOB CAREY

Fresh Sauce Sundays, 9 p.m.; Go Comedy! Improv Theater, 261 E. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; Free. Monday Night Improv Mondays, 8-10 p.m.; Planet Ant Black Box, 2357 Caniﬀ Street, Hamtramck; $5. Name This Show Fridays, Saturdays, 11:45 p.m.; Go Comedy! Improv Theater, 261 E. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; Free. New Year’s Eve Showdown Tuesday, 7:30-9:30 & 10-11:59 p.m.; Go Comedy! Improv Theater, 261 E. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; $50 or $75. Nick Paul Magical Comedy Friday 8-9:30 p.m.; Go Comedy! Improv Theater, 261 E. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; $20. NYE Comedy: Big Laughs for Big Dreams Tuesday, 8 p.m.-midnight; Brooks Brewing, 52033 Van Dyke Avenue, Shelby charter Township; $30+. Open Mic Wednesdays, 7:30 p.m.; Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle, 310 S. Troy St., Royal Oak; $5. Sunday Buffet Sundays, 7 p.m.; Go Comedy! Improv Theater, 261 E. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; $10. Thursday Night Live!Thursdays, 8-10 p.m.; Ant Hall, 2 20 Caniﬀ St., Hamtramck; $5.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

THIS WEEK

All Fizzed Up, Royal Oak Music Theatre, Dec. 27.

FILM Chulas Fronteras (Beautiful Borders) Thursday-Monday, 4 p.m.; Detroit Film Theatre at the DIA, 5200 John R St., Detroit; $7.50+. Tea-Time Theatre: Howl’s Moving Castle Thursday, 2 p.m.; Detroit Film Theatre at the DIA, 5200 John R St., Detroit; Free with cost of admission.

ART Drawing in the Galleries Fridays, 6 p.m., Saturdays, noon and Sundays, noon; Detroit Institute of Arts, 5200 Woodward Ave., Detroit; Free. Exhibition: “Abstraction, Color, and Politics: The 1960s and 1970s” Through Feb. 9.TuesdaysSaturdays, 11 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sundays, noon-5 p.m.; University of Michigan Museum of Art, 525 S. State St., Ann Arbor; Free. Exhibition: “Collection Ensemble” Tuesdays-Saturdays, 11 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sundays, noon-5 p.m.; University of Michigan Museum of Art, 525 S. State St., Ann Arbor; Free. Exhibition: “Copies and Invention in East Asia” Through Jan. 5. uesdays-Saturdays, 11 am-5 p.m. and Sundays, noon-5 p.m.; University of Michigan Museum of Art, 525 S. State St., Ann Arbor; Free.

28 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

SHUTTERSTOCK .COM

Exhibition: “Mari Katayama” Through Jan. 26. Tuesdays-Saturdays, 11 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sundays, 12-5 p.m.; University of Michigan Museum of Art, 525 S. State St., Ann Arbor; Free.

The Big Picture Guided Tour Tuesdays-Sundays, 1 p.m., Fridays, 6 p.m. and Saturdays, Sundays, 3 p.m.; Detroit Institute of Arts, 5200 Woodward Ave., Detroit; Free.

Exhibition: “Pan-African Pulp: A Commission by Meleko Mokgosi” Tuesdays-Saturdays, 11 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sundays, noon-5 p.m.; University of Michigan Museum of Art, 525 S. State St., Ann Arbor; Free.

Thursdays at the Museum: Highlights of the Permanent Collection Thursdays, 1 p.m.; Detroit Institute of Arts, 5200 Woodward Ave., Detroit; Free.

Exhibition: “Reflections: An Ordinary Day” Through May 16. Tuesdays-Saturdays, 11 am-5 p.m. and Sundays, 12-5 p.m.; University of Michigan Museum of Art, 525 S. State St., Ann Arbor; Free. Exhibition: “Take Your Pick: Collecting Found Photographs” Through Feb.. 23. Tuesdays-Saturdays, 11 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sundays, noon-5 p.m.; University of Michigan Museum of Art, 525 S. State St., Ann Arbor; free. Humble and Human: Impressionist Era Treasures from the Albright-Knox Art Gallery and the Detroit Institute of Arts, an Exhibition in Honor of Ralph C. Wilson, Jr. Tuesdays-Saturdays.; Detroit Institute of Arts, 5200 Woodward Ave., Detroit; Admission is free with museum admission to residents of Wayne, Oakland, and Macomb counties.

HOLIDAY Kwanzaa at The Wright: Umoja Thursday 5-8 p.m.; Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History, 315 E. Warren Ave., Detroit; Free.

SPORTS Great Lakes Invitational vs. Michigan Tech Huskies Mens Hockey Monday, 1 p.m. and Tuesday, 11:30 am; Little Caesars Arena, 2645 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $15-$55. San Jose Sharks at Detroit Red Wings Tuesday, 7:30 p.m.; Little Caesars Arena, 2645 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $33. USA Hockey’s NTDP vs University of North Dakota Saturday, 7 p.m.; USA Hockey Arena, 14900 Beck Rd, Plymouth; WWE Smackdown Live Friday, 7:45 p.m.; Little Caesars Arena, 2645 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $20-$125.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

NEW YEAR’S EVE Seeing 2020

The future is coming — here’s how to celebrate New Year’s Eve in metro Detroit By

Critics’ picks Surrealist Ball @ Eightfold Studio and The Schvitz

Now that the 1982 sci-ﬁ ﬁlm Blade Runner is, technically, set in the past, it’s time to look even further into the future. Who will you choose to be? Party purveyors and local DJing royalty Jon Dones and Ash Nowak, aka Haute to Death, are urging you to consider slipping into your “ultra-self” for their annual Surrealist Ball. Haute to Death’s calling card is all about creating an immersive experience, which is why their NYE bash

Other ways to ring in 2020:

Beacon Park (NYE Kids Countdown) Lawn games, fire pits, food trucks, sparkling juice, and more. Activities from 1-6 p.m.; 1901 Grand River Ave., Detroit; 313-355-0413; dtebeaconpark.com; Admission is free. Bert’s Warehouse Music by the Fantastic Four, Ursula Walker, Lady Champagne, and the Thrills. Dinner begins at 7:30; 2727 Russell, Detroit; 313-567-2030; bertsentertainmentcomplex.com. Tickets are $65. Best Western Premier Detroit Southfield Drink tickets included with ticket, Champagne toast, party favors, balloon drop, live countdown, midnight pizza, and coney station. VIP ticket holders will have access to a buffet and express entry. Music by DJ Don Q, DJ Cartel, and DJ Kutz. Event begins at 9:30 p.m.; 26555 Telegraph Rd., Southfield; 248-358-7600; thecelebrationnye. com. Tickets start at $40. Blind Pig Music by Stormy Chromer, Chirp, Ma Baker, and Scuter. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 208 S. First St., Ann Arbor; blindpigmusic.com; 734-996-8555. Tickets are $15.

s aff

is, once again, a two-parter. For NYE proper, Haute to Death will throw an all-inclusive and costume-mandatory (glam, surreal, and otherworldly looks encouraged) dance party at Eightfold Studio campus in New Center, and will include music by Haute to Death, Charles Trees, Mira Fahrenheit, and Jeﬀrey Sﬁre, as well as food, libations, and photobooth. The party continues on Jan. 1 with an afternoon of restorative practices at Detroit’s historic bath house and wellness center The Schvitz for a post-party steam. Per all HTD events, this one enforces a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to bigotry, body shaming, and other inappropriate non-consensual

Bowlero Lanes & Lounge Music by the Bowlero All-Star Band, Switch Blade Vengeance, Screw, and Fabulous Disaster (Sex Pistols Tribute Band). Music begins at 9 p.m.; 4209 Coolidge Hwy., Royal Oak; 248549-7500; bowlerodetroit.com. No Cover. Charlevoix Bridge Drop Horse-drawn wagon rides, S’mores and hot cocoa, snow sculptures, and fireworks. Event begins at 1 p.m., fireworks begin at 9 p.m.; Charlevoix’s Bridge Park, Charlevoix; bridgedrop.com; 231-547-2101. Event is free. The Circ Bar Great Gatsby-themed event. Champagne toast, party favors, and late-night snacks. Live DJ. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 201 First St., Ann Arbor; 734-277-3656; thecircbar. com. Tickets are $20. Cliff Bell’s Four-course menu. Music by the T-bone Paxton Trio and Alex Harding. Event begins at 6:30 p.m.; 2030 Park Ave., Detroit; 313-961-2543; cliffbells.com. Tickets for first seating are $75 and $125 for the second seating. Standing-roomonly tickets offered first-come, first-served for $35. CK Diggs

30 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

behaviors. —Jerilyn Jordan Party begins at 9 p.m. at Eightfold Studios; 2831 E. Grand Blvd., Detroit; Wellness session begins at noon-8 p.m. on Wednesday, Jan. 1 at The Schvitz; h2dsocial.club. Tickets are $60, admission plus Jan. 1 sauna session is $90.

Resolution Ball @The Fillmore

“Make one, keep one, and break one” is the tagline for the Fillmore’s annual Resolution Ball, where over-the-top Vegas theatrics meet good-natured debauchery — and resolutions are, well,

Special NYE menu, party favors, Champagne toast. Venue is open starting at 11 a.m.; 2010 W. Auburn Rd., Rochester Hills; 248-853-6600; ckdiggs.com. No cover. David Whitney Building Open bar, food by Kristina’s Catering, party favors, balloon drop, late-night snacks, and Champagne toast. Music by DJ Tom T. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 1 Park Ave., Detroit; 313-471-3500; eventbrite.com. Tickets are $125. Deluxe Bar & Lounge Party favors, pizza, and Champagne toast. Music by DJ Joey. Starts at 8 p.m.; 350 Monroe St., Detroit; 313-962-4200; deluxlounge. com. Tickets are $20-$25. Deluxx Fluxx Karaoke. Music by Ro Spit, DJ Court Denise, and DJ Ray. Karaoke runs from 7-10 p.m., music begins at 10 p.m.-4 a.m.; 1274 Library St., Detroit; deluxxfluxx.com. Tickets are $10. The Detroit Club Great Gatsby-themed party with full bar, strolling appetizers, late night buffet, cigar lounge, casino room, karaoke, and party favors. Live music, stand-up comedy, and magicians. Three-course dinner ticket upgrade available. Starts at 9 p.m.; 712 Cass Ave., Detroit;

e i le. What you chose to remember — or forget — is up to you. Once a year, the Fillmore transforms into an all-out circus spectacle, with aerialists, illusionists, stilt-walkers, as well as a steady ﬂow of live bands and DJs. In addition to the jam-packed lineup of roving circus-style entertainment, each ticket includes nine drink tickets (better buy some Pedialyte), hors d’oeuvres, a Champagne fountain, midnight pizza and coney buﬀet, balloon drop, confetti storm, and a livestream of Time Square’s blowout. For VIP ticket holders, the party goes a little harder with 12 drink tickets (better buy a lot of Pedialyte) a lavish carving station, exclusive mezzanine access, and express entry. — Jerilyn Jordan Event begins at 9:30 p.m.; 2115 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-961-5451; resolutionballdetroit.com. Tickets are $125+.

Motor City Gala @ Fisher Building

313-800-8727; detroitfornye.com. Tickets start at $175. Detroit Historical Museum Drinks, cookies, and balloon drop. Event runs 10 a.m.-1 p.m.; 5401 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-8331805; detroithistorical.org. Tickets are $10 and include general admission entry to museum. Detroit Princess Dinner buffet with carving station, Champagne toast, party favors. Music by the Prolifics. Cruise begins at 7 p.m.; 20 Civic Center Dr.; 517-627-2154; detroitprincess.com. Tickets are $85+. Detroit Shipping Company ‘90s-themed event. Drink specials. Music by Joe Smith and Crate Digga. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 474 Peterboro St., Detroit; 313-4624973; detroitshippingcompany.com. No cover. Downey Brewing Company Roaring ’20s themed event. Two drink tickets, souvenirs, food trucks, and Champagne toast. Event begins at 4 p.m.; 13121 Prospect St., Dearborn; 313-288-8442; downeybrewingcompany.com. Tickets are $25. Eastern Market Brewing Company Tickets ensure guaranteed seating, three beer/soda/cold brew tickets,

appetizers, party favors, and a Rosé Brut IPA toast. Event begins at 9 p.m.; 2515 Riopelle St., Detroit; 313-502-5165; easternmarket.beer. Tickets are $60. El Club Music by Joe Hertler and the Rainbow Seekers and the Dropout. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 4114 W. Vernor Hwy., Detroit; 313-279-7382; elclubdetroit.com. Tickets start at $25-$30. Elektricity Balloon drop, White Castle sliders, and indoor fireworks. Music by TrblMakr, PVRTY HVRD, DJ NoNo, Cameron Oakley, Matt Kakes, Mushkilla, Young & Heddy. Doors open at 8:30 p.m.; 15 S. Saginaw St., Pontiac; 248-599-2212; elektricitymusic.com. Tickets are $15+. Embassy Suites by Hilton Tickets get you twelve drink tickets, hors d’oeuvres, carving station, Champagne station, balloon drop, confetti storm, party favors, midnight sliders, pizza, and coneys. There will also be a live broadcast of Time Square. Music by DJ Chuck D. Miller and others. Event begins at 8 p.m.; 19525 Victor Pkwy., Livonia; 734-462-6000; bigtickets.com. Ticket packages are $99-$169. Emerald Theatre

Formerly held at Greektown’s Atheneum Suite Hotel, the Motor City Gala has some new Albert Kahn-designed, skyhigh digs. While the scenery may have changed (30 stories of Art Deco greatness that would have Jay Gatsby himself choking on his giggle water), this year’s gala boasts all the lavish accoutrements of previous galas, including drink tickets, hors d’oeuvres and carving stations, specialty cocktail bar, midnight snacks, and Champagne toast. This year, music will be provided by a rotation of partystarting DJs, including DJ Chrome, DJ Dinero, DJ Mike Zee, DJ Hartmando, and Lito. . —Jerilyn Jordan Doors open at 9 p.m.; 3011 W. Grand Blvd., Detroit; motorcitygala.com. Tickets are $99-$125.

Urban Fêtes: Silent NYE Party @MGM Grand Detroit

This is likely to be Detroit’s most quiet New Year’s Eve bash. For those not famil-

Champagne or sparkling grapejuice toast, late-night pizza. Drag performances by Kourtney Breeze, Bentley James, Perry Dox, Kendyll Harding, and Malibu. Music by DJ Marquis Detroit. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 31 N. Walnut St., Mt. Clemens; 586-913-1921; theemeraldtheatre. com. Tickets are $69-$99. The Fillmore (Resolution Ball) Twelve drink tickets for VIP ticket holders, nine for general admission, hors d’oeuvres, midnight pizza and coney buffet, balloon drop, confetti storm, live stream of Time Square. Entertainment includes stilt-walkers, aerialists, illusionists, as well as live bands and DJs. Event begins at 9:30 p.m.; 2115 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313961-5451; resolutionballdetroit.com. Tickets are $125+. Firebird Tavern Cash bar, party favors, and Champagne toast. Starts at 9 p.m.; 419 Monroe Ave., Detroit; 313-782-4189; firebirdtavern.com. No cover. Fishbone’s Music by Thornetta Davis. Starts at 9:30 p.m.; 400 Monroe Ave., Detroit; 313-965-4600; fishbonesusa.com; No cover. Fishbone’s Music by Billy Davis. Starts at 9:30 p.m.; 23722 Jefferson Ave., St. Clair

iar with a silent disco, here’s how it works: When you arrive, you’re provided with a set of wireless headphones that can switch to three different channels, each with a different DJ. Each channel makes the headphones light up with a different color, so you can see what everyone else is vibing to. When you want to talk to someone, there’s no need to yell over loud music: simply lower the volume or take off your headphones. VIP package includes headphones and open bar wristband. Reserved table packages are also available. —Lee DeVito

new beginnings (seriously, drink the … you get the idea). In addition to NYE party mainstays like a full bar (remember what we said earlier?), strolling appetizers, late-night buffet, and party favors, this dress-to-impress shindig — which spans five floors — will also offer a cigar lounge, casino room, karaoke, roving magicians, stand-up comedians, live bands, and DJs. For those looking to get ultra sloshed, a limited number of overnight stay and spa packages are available. —Jerilyn Jordan

Event begins at 9 p.m.; 1777 Third St., Detroit; 313-877-888-2121; eventbrite.com. Tickets are $30+.

Starts at 9 p.m.; 712 Cass Ave., Detroit; 313-800-8727; detroitfornye.com. Tickets start at $175, three-course dinner ticket upgrades are also available.

NYE at The Mansion

Saved by the ’90s

@The Detroit Club

@ Saint Andrew’s Hall

One of Detroit’s most elite historical social clubs is opening its doors for a Great Gatsby-themed, end-of-the-year soiree to celebrate the end of prohibition (seriously, drink the fuck up) and

In the 1999 ﬁlm The Matrix, a race of ruthless machines enslave humanity, trapping us in a virtual reality simulation of 1999 while they secretly harvest our energy. Why the year 1999? As villain

Shores; 586-498-3000; fishbonesusa.com. No cover. Flowers of Vietnam Five-course prix fixe dinner, with cocktail or wine-pairing options. Seatings begin at 6:15, 6:30, 6:45 p.m., 8:30, and 8:45 p.m.; 4430 W. Vernor Hwy., Detroit; 313-554-2085; flowersofvietnam.com. Tickets are $80 per person, drink pairings are an additional $40-$60. Fort Street Galley All-you-can-drink bar, specialty cocktails, photo booth, party favors, snacks, and Champagne toast. Music by DJ carjackdetroit. Starts at 9 p.m.; 160 W. Fort St., Detroit; 313-230-0855; fortstreetgalley.org. Tickets are $85. Go Comedy! Improv Theater Interactive All-Star Showdown performances, open bar, and food are included. Shows begin at 7:30 p.m. and 10 p.m.; 261 E. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; 248-327-0575; gocomedy.net. Tickets are $50-$75. Gold Cash Gold Dinner includes a four-course prix fixe menu. New Year’s Eve party includes hors d’oeuvres and champagne. Dinner seatings available from 5-9 p.m., New Year’s Eve party begins at 10 p.m.; 210 Michigan Ave., Detroit; 313-2420770; goldcasgolddetroit.com.

Tickets are $75 for prix fixe dinner seatings and $55 for the New Year’s Eve party. Wine pairings are an additional $30. The Grasshopper Music by Sherif, Gateo, Mona Black, and more. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 22757 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; 248-268-3219; theghopper. com. Tickets are $10. Grey Ghost Five-course prix fixe dinner with drink pairings and Champagne. Seatings begin at 4 p.m.; 47 E. Watson St., Detroit; 313-262-6534; greyghostdetroit.com. Tickets are $75 per person, reservations required. J’s Penalty Box Pizza buffet and Champagne toast. Music by the Beggars. Starts at 8 p.m.; 22726 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; 248-398-4070; jspenaltybox. com. No cover. Kiesling Roaring ’20s themed event. Welcome punch, hors d’oeuvres, live music, and Champagne toast. Doors open at 4 p.m.; 449 E. Milwaukee Ave. Detroit; 313-638-2169. Tickets are $55. Lady of the House Six-course dinner with complimentary Champagne. Seatings

Agent Smith explains, it was to keep us docile — that year was “the peak of your civilization,” he says. With hindsight being 2020, it’s now clear that those evil-natured robots were right: 1999 was a utopia. The Matrix was also prophetic — when you think about it, we’ve been slowly becoming enslaved by machines ever since. The internet has consumed all aspects of our lives, destroying entire industries in its wake. Meanwhile, we spend every day living in the virtualreality simulation that is social media, staring at our phones, endlessly scrolling and amusing ourselves to death, all while Silicon Valley algorithms make money oﬀ of our digital selves. It’s enough to make you want to go back to simpler times. Dear reader: you can. The “Saved by the ’90s” event invites you to “come party like it’s 1999 (20 years later)” with live music from a ’90s cover band. As Keanu Reeves would say, “Whoa.” —Lee DeVito Doors open at 8 p.m.; 431 E. Congress St., Detroit; 313-961-8961; saintandrewsdetroit.com. Tickets are $13.

begin at 5, 5:15, and 5:30 p.m., 7, 7:15, and 7:30 p.m., 9, 9:15, and 9:30 p.m.; 1426 Bagley St., Detroit; 313-818-0218; ladyofthehousedetroit.com. Tickets are $129 per person. Reservations required. Canterbury Village (Mitten Drop and Mitten Gala) “Kidz zone” and mitten drop, fire jugglers, inflatables, horse-drawn carriage rides, fire pits, food trucks, hot chocolate, and more. The black tie optional Mitten Gala inside the castle includes 10 drink tickets, hors d’oeuvres, speciality cocktail bar, Champagne station, midnight snacks, live DJs, balloon drop, and party favors. Gala music provided by DJ the DJ and Telephon9. Event begins at 4 p.m., gala begins at 9 p.m.; Canterbury Village; michiganmittendrop. com. Outdoor events are free and family-friendly. Tickets for the gala start at $79. Leland City Club Food buffet. Music by DJ Assault, Drivetrain, BLVD, Bobby Conway, Ian Strange, Flip, JFlame, Van Weezy, Errgot, and more. Visuals by Larson. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 400 Bagley St., Detroit; facebook. com/LelandCityClub. Tickets are $20. London Chop House Music by Chrissy Morgan. Doors

open at 7 p.m.; 155 W. Congress St., Detroit; 313-962-0277; thelondonchophouse.com. No cover, dinner reservations encouraged. The Loving Touch Great Gatsby-themed event. Hors d’oeuvres, coat check, additional 1920’s cocktail bar, and Champagne toast. Music by the Dave Vessella Quartet. 1920’s-inspired/ dress-to-impress attire required. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 22634 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; 248-820-5596; thelovingtouchferndale.com. Tickets are $25, $40 for couples, and $40 day of event. Magic Bag Music by the Mega ’80s. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 22920 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; 248-544-1991; themagicbag.com. Tickets are $35. Magic Stick Music by CharlestheFirst and EPROM. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 4140 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-8339700; majesticdetroit.com. Tickets are $30. Marble Bar Music by Derek Plaslaiko and Mike Servito, as well as Mozhgan, Noncompliant, Ectomorph, Titonton, Delon Smith with Norm Talley, and Bill Spencer. Immersive art installation by Amber Gillen. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 1501 Holden St.,

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

NEW YEAR’S EVE Detroit; 313-338-3674; eventseeker. com. Tickets are $25-$30, private balcony tickets are $75. VIP tickets include a Champagne toast, private bar, and restrooms. Masonic Temple (Millionaire NYE Extravaganza) Music by Rick Ross, Wale, and Fabolous. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 500 Temple Ave., Detroit; 313-638-2724; themasonic.com. Tickets start at $59. Menjo’s Party favors, tiaras, money balloon drop, buffet and a Champagne toast. Music by DJ Doug Roberts. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 928 W. McNichols Rd., Detroit; 313-8633934; newmenjoscomplex.com. No cover. MOCAD Music by Golf Clap. Event starts at 9 p.m.; 4454 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-832-6622; mocadetroit. com. Tickets are $25+. The Morrie Birmingham Music by J. 260 N. Old Woodward Ave., Birmingham; 248-940-3260; themorrie.com. Tickets are $20. The Morrie Royal Oak Music by the Jon Fett Quartet. Event begins at 10 p.m.; 511 S. Main St., Royal Oak; 248-216-1112; themorrie.com. Tickets are $20. Reservations required for parties of eight or more. MotorCity Wine Music by Peter Croce and David A-P aka Lafleur. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 1949 Michigan Ave., Detroit; 313-483-7283; motorcitywine.com. Free before 10 p.m., $10 after. Mount Clemens (downtown) Kids zone at the Children’s HandsOn Museum, Main Street karaoke, and midnight fireworks. Event begins at 4 p.m.; Mount Clemens; cityofmountclemens.com; Event is free and family-friendly. Mr. B’s Gastropub Music by DJ Scratch and DJ Jinx. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 215 S. Main St., Royal Oak; 248-399-0017; mrbspub.com. Ticket packages available by phone. Necto Catering by Cottage Inn and balloon drop. Music by DJ Knowledge and DJ Skoob. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 516 E. Liberty St., Ann Arbor; 734-994-5436; necto.com. Tickets

are $30-$50.

Tickets are $35.

New Way Bar Music and Champagne toast. Doors open at 9:30 p.m.; 23130 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; 248-5419870; newwaybar.com. No cover.

Royal Oak Music Theatre Music by Snails, with special guests Rusko, Kayceeoh, and Hi I’m Ghost. Doors open at 7 p.m.; 318 W. Fourth St., Royal Oak; 248399-2980; royaloakmusictheatre. com. Tickets are $35.

Northern Lights Lounge Party favors, breakfast burritos at midnight, $5 splits. Music by Mike “Agent X” Clark, Tony Nova, Harkati, the AM, Dr. Tingle Fingers, Madame Butterfly, and Scratch 9. Doors open at 6 p.m.; 660 W. Baltimore St., Detroit; 313-873-1739; northernlightslounge.com. No cover. The Old Miami Nothing Elegant dance party. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 3930 Cass Ave., Detroit; 313-831-3830. Cover is $5. O’Mara’s Restaurant Music by Shattered (the Rolling Stones cover band.) Event at 9 p.m.; 2555 12 Mile Rd., Berkley; 248-399-6750; omaras.net. Tickets are $10. Orchid Hors d’oeuvres from Pei Wei, party favors, pizza at midnight, and Champagne toast. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 141 W. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; 248-336-8077; orchidferndale. com. Tickets are $10-$12. The Peterboro Three drink tickets, passed small plates, party favors, champagne toast. Music by DJ BET. Event begins at 9 p.m.; 420 Peterboro St., Detroit; 313-833-1111; thepeterboro.com. Tickets are $40. PJ’s Lager House Roaring ’20s themed. Champagne toast. Music by Airey Browder, Blues Preacher Creighton, David El Bob Morrison, Jo Serrapere and the Willie Dunns. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 1254 Michigan Ave., Detroit; 313961-4668; pjslagerhouse.com; Cover is $10. Punch Bowl Social Outer-space themed event, drink specials, and music. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 1331 Broadway St., Detroit; 313-749-9738. No cover. Republic Hors d’oeuvres, and Champagne toast. Doors open at 10 p.m.; 1942 Grand River Ave., Detroit; 313-4468360; republictaverndetroit.com.

32 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

The Roostertail (Motown Countdown) Hors d’oeuvres, dinner buffet with carving station and vegetarian options, dessert station, six drink tickets, Champagne toast. Music by Athena Johnson and the Dancing the Decades Band. Starts at 8:30 p.m.; 100 Marquette Dr., Detroit; 313-822-1234; eventbrite. com. Tickets are $150 or $145 for couples. The Royce Open bar, appetizers, charity raffle, Champagne toast. Proceeds from raffle benefit THAW, a local organization that provides financial assistance to Michigan families in need for their utility services and energy-efficiency education and upgrades. Event begins at 10 p.m.; 76 W. Adams Ave., Detroit; 313481-2160; eventbrite.com. Tickets are $88. Saint Andrew’s Hall (Saved by the ’90s) Midnight balloon drop, photo booth, Carlton dance contest, themed cocktails. Music by live ’90s cover band. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 431 E. Congress St., Detroit; 313-961-8961; saintadnrewsdetroit.com. Tickets are $13. Savant Special dinner menu and cocktails. Music by Chuck Daniels. Doors open at 11 p.m.; 51 W. Forest Ave., Detroit; 313-285-9294; savantmidtown.com. No cover. Second Best Balloon drop, “Champagne of Beers” Miller High Life toast. Music by DJ Back Troy. Open until 2 a.m.; 42 E. Watson, Detroit; 313315-3077; secondbestdetroit.com. No cover. Tangent Gallery Music, art, and immersive visuals. Doors open at 8 p.m.; 715 E. Milwaukee St., Detroit; 313-873-2955; tangentgallery.com. Tickets are $10-$15. Temple Bar Music by Tammy Lakkis and DJ

Dretraxx.Doors open at 10 p.m.; 2906 Cass Ave., Detroit; 313-8322822; facebook.com/TempleBarDetroit. Tickets are $10. Tipping Point Theatre (Olympus Fever: A Cabaret Fundraiser) Performance of Olympus Fever, drinks, appetizers, and a Champagne toast. Performance begins at 9 p.m.; 361 E. Cady St., Northville; 248-347-0003; tippingpointtheatre. com. Tickets are $85 for regular seats or $100 for cabaret table seats. Trixie’s Bar Music by Rudy Hill and DJ Carlito. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 2656 Carpenter St., Hamtramck; 313-316-5376; facebook.com/trixiesbarhamtramck. No cover. TV Lounge Sets by Allan C. Ester Jr., Drue Ruiz, Andrea Ghita, Aboudi Issa, and Jmac. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 2548 Grand River Ave., Detroit; 313-965-4789; residentadvisor.net. Tickets are $10-$15, event is free before 10:30 p.m. Small’s Appetizer buffet, party favors, and Champagne or Miller High Life toast. Music by DJ Pleasure Kitten, Elektrosonik, Aaron Hingst, and DJ Jon Noble, Raev. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 10339 Conant St., Hamtramck; 313-873-1117; smallsbardetroit. com. Tickets are $8-$10. Sugar House Passed appetizers, party favors, Champagne toast. Music by the Steve Jarosz Trio. Doors open at 9:30 p.m.; 2130 Michigan Ave., Detroit; 313-962-0123; sugarhousedetroit.com. Tickets are $85. Valentine Distilling Co. Welcome cocktail, buffet, live music, and Champagne toast. Event begins at 7 p.m.; 161 Vester Ave., Ferndale; 248-629-9951; valentinedistilling.com. Tickets are $45. Vintage House Ten drink tickets, party favors, photo booth, passed hors d’oeuvres, late-night snacks, and Champagne toast. Event begins at 7 p.m.; 31816 Utica Rd., Fraser; 586-415-5678; vintagebanquetsandcatering.com. Tickets are $85-$1,000. Voyager Supper Club-inspired event. Special NYE menu, featuring steak, steamed lobster, tableside

Caesars, and chilled seafood. Open bar and a Champagne toast. Event begins at 8 p.m., dinner is served at 9 p.m.; 600 Vester St., Ferndale; 248-658-4999; voyagerferndale. com. Tickets are $125 for bar seating/standing room, $150 for reserved table. Willis Show Bar Hors D’oeuvres, Champagne toast. Burlesque performance by Margaux Royale and Eris. Music by Willa Rae accompanied by a fivepiece band, the Dapper DJ. Doors open at 9 p.m.; 4156 Third St., Detroit; 313-788-7469; willishowbar. com. Tickets start at $125. The Whiskey Parlor A welcome cocktail, appetizers, a Glenfiddich tasting. Tier 2 ticket holders will receive three drink tickets, an appetizer buffet, a pour of Glenfiddich Grand Cru 23-yearold single malt whisky, a late-night coney buffet, and a Champagne toast. Music by the Delta 5 Blues Band. Doors open at 5 p.m. 608 Woodward Ave., Fl. 2, Detroit; 313961-3043; eventbrite.com. Tickets start at $45. The Whitney Special four-course menu and Champagne toast. Music by Jelly & Jam. (Ghostbar will be available to guests until 8 p.m. Ghostbar is closed for a private event after 8 p.m.) Seatings begin at 4 p.m.; 4421 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-8325700; thewhitney.com. Call for tickets and reservations. Wright & Co. Passed small plates, party favors, three-drink tickets, Champagne toast. Music by the Sasha Kashperko Quartet with Marcus Elliot. Event begins at 9:30 p.m.; 1500 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-9627711; eventbrite.com. Tickets are $150. Wyandotte (Rockin’ New year’s Eve) Midnight ball drop, heated tent, kids zone, Music by Sponge (celebrating 25 years of Rotting Piñata) and Brett Scallions of Fuel. Starts at 6 p.m.; downtown Wyandotte (on Biddle Avenue and Maple Street); 313-402-5657; rockinnye.com. Tickets are $15 for heated tent, outdoor events are free. VIP tickets are $55 and include seated buffet dinner at Whiskeys on the Water and an acoustic performance by Sponge and Brett Scallions.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

THIS WEEK THURSDAY, 12/26 Karriem Riggins @ Deluxx Fluxx

We’re not complaining about this belated holiday gift in the form of a performance by one of Detroit’s most accomplished musicians, jazz drummer, producer, and Emmy Award winner Karriem Riggins. The son of keyboardist Emmanuel Riggins, Karriem has spent the last 20 years — and longer if you consider his childhood and academic career, which were dedicated to perfecting jazz trumpet, drums, and performing in multiple high school bands — collaborating with the likes of Erykah Badu, Herbie Hancock, the Roots, Talib Kweli, Esperanza Spalding, Paul McCartney, and Detroit’s late, great beatmaker J Dilla, whom he developed a close friendship and working relationship with after being reintroduced by friend and collaborator Common. —Jerilyn Jordan

Wilson, the Crofoot, Dec. 28.

Livewire

Local music picks By

Music begins at 10 p.m.; 1274 Library St., e r i elu u . m. i e s are .

FRIDAY, 12/27 Michigan Rattlers @ Magic Bag

Michigan Rattlers have had a busy year. This summer, the alt-country band from Petoskey was handpicked by Bob Seger himself to open his ﬁnal shows at DTE Energy Music Theatre, performed at e r imes’ Pig & Whiskey festival, and then hit the road with folk-infused jam band Greensky Bluegrass. Now the band will celebrate the year with a homecoming show of sorts (frontman Graham Young splits his time between Los Angeles and Detroit, while the rest of the band has relocated to Royal Oak, at Ferndale’s Magic Bag. —Lee DeVito Doors open at 8 p.m.; 22920 Woodward e. ern ale hemagi ag. m. i e s are .

SATURDAY, 12/28 The Polka Floyd Show @ Otus Supply

Have you ever wondered what Pink Floyd songs might sound like with a hell of a lot more accordion? Likely not, but lucky for you, metro Detroit/Toledo outﬁt the Polka Floyd Show has been shooting prog-rock classics through a polka-ﬁed cannon and, as you might have

COURTESY OF ARTIST

guessed, transform hits like “Comfortably Numb” and “Mother” into fastpaced party jams you can Krakowiak to. Established in 2006, the five-piece has taken on more than 40 Pink Floyd hits, spanning 1968-1979, injecting high-energy beer-slamming and foot-stomping into songs that normally would be fit to inspire an anti-capitalist rebellion or, like, burning effigies of corrupt leaders. Joining the Polka Floyd Show are Detroit rock band Burning Things and garage punks the Strains. —Jerilyn Jordan rs en a .m. . ine ile Rd., Ferndale; 248-291-6160; otussupply. m. i e s are .

SATURDAY, 12/28 Wilson farewell show @ Crofoot

The party stops here. East Lansing’s Wilson are hanging up nearly a decade of alt-rock revelry with one last blowout. Dubbed the “Thank You, Goodnight” performance, Wilson will take both stages at the Crofoot, delivering two sets presented by 101.1 WRIF. For Wilson’s ﬁrst set on the main stage, the band will perform songs from 2018’s as y as y and their 2015 sophomore record, Right to Rise. For the second set on the Pike Room stage, the riotous ﬁve-piece will perform their debut record, Full Blast u ery in its entirety. Leading up to the

34 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

s aff public sets, the band will host a special pre-party for 100 fans. “This show is a way of closing the book,” says founding member and guitarist Jason Spencer. “You know, every story comes to an end. We hope this night serves as a memorable way of closing out the past decade of relentless touring, roller coaster rides of events and an endless amount of memories. This isn’t for us — this is for all the friends we’ve made along the way who made Wilson more than a band.” For the ﬁnal performance, Wilson has enlisted support from Red Stone Souls, Ladysse, the Messenger Birds, and Strange Magic.—Jerilyn Jordan Doors open at 6 p.m.; 1 S. Saginaw St., n ia he r . m. i e s are .

SATURDAY, 12/28 Rhythm Corps @ Saint Andrew’s Hall

In 1988, Detroit rock band Rhythm Corps posed the eternal question for bickering world leaders, conﬂicted lovers, and politically troubled family members: “Can we meet on common ground?” Having released just two EPs and two full-length records during the band’s short lifespan, “Common Ground” remains the band’s ﬁrst, last, and biggest hit to date — and rightfully so. It has a little bit of everything: a positive message, jangly guitars,

and, if you watch the video, a healthy misting of hairspray and some pretty cool hats. For their homecoming, Rhythm Corps will be joined by the Corktown Popes. —Jerilyn Jordan rs en a .m. . Congress St., Detroit; 313-961-8961; sain an re s e r i . m. i e s are

SATURDAY, 12/28 Downtown Brown Christmas @ PJ’s Lager House

A polite rip-oﬀ of the Suicide Machines’ annual Black Christmas blowout, Detroit native Downtown Brown (think Andrew W.K. meets Tenacious D) created its annual Christmas performance, appropriately titled Brown Christmas. Though in years previous, the event has served as a Christmas Eve-Eve party, this year Downtown Brown Christmas will carry the holiday spirit into the weekend. Formed in 2001, Downtown Brown has penned songs such as “Mullett Millennium” and “ZZ Cock,” and has toured with the Dead Kennedys, Insane Clown Posse, and Fishbone. For its fourth year, Brown Christmas invites a return performance by headliners Downtown Brown, who are still riding the wave of last year’s CaliFlorida, as well as performances by Steve Harvey Oswald, Carmel Liburdi, and Pancho Villa’s Skull. Detroit actor and funnyman (and occasional e r imes contributor) Jimmy Doom will host. — Jerilyn Jordan rs en a .m. i higan e. Detroit; 313-961-4668; pjslagerhouse. m i e s are .

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

Def Leppard and Mötley Crüe with Poison and Joan Jett & the Blackhearts Comerica Park, Aug. 20, 4:30 p.m., $49.50+ BJORNSPHOTO/WIKIPEDIA COMMONS

Fast-Forward Atmosphere Saint Andrew’s Hall, Jan. 15, 7 p.m., $27.50

Thundercat Majestic Theatre, March 17, 8 p.m., $30

Hip-Hop Smackdown with Lil Kim, Fat Joe, Naughty by Nature and more Fox Theatre, Jan. 18, 7 p.m., $59+ Snoop Dogg The Fillmore, Jan. 26, 8 p.m., $57+

Blake Shelton Little Caesars Arena, March 21, 7 p.m.; $64+

Cold War Kids Majestic Theatre, Jan. 28, 7 p.m., $27.50+ Umphrey’s McGee The Fillmore, Jan. 31, 6 p.m., $25+ Chance the Rapper Little Caesars Arena, Feb. 6, 7 p.m.; $59.95+ King Princess Royal Oak Music Theatre, Feb. 7, 7 p.m., $29+ The Lumineers Little Caesars Arena, Feb. 7, 7 p.m., $37+ Tove Lo St. Andrew’s Hall, Feb. 18, 7 p.m., $28 Tim & Eric Masonic Temple, Feb. 19, 7 p.m., $47.50+ Garth Brooks Ford Field, Feb. 22, 7 p.m., Sold-out Sturgill Simpson Masonic Temple, Feb. 29, 7:30 p.m., $49.50+

36 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

Billie Eilish Little Caesars Arena, March 23, 7 p.m., Sold-out Elton John Little Caesars Arena, May 1-2, 7 p.m., $245+ Bikini Kill Royal Oak Music Theatre, May 23, 7 p.m., $56+ Tame Impala Little Caesars Arena, May 31, 7 p.m., $52.75 Maroon 5 DTE Energy Music Theatre, June 5, 7 p.m., TBA Journey DTE Energy Music Theatre, July 5, 7 p.m., $35+ Billy Joel Comerica Park, July 10, 7 p.m., $120+ Harry Styles Little Caesars Arena, July 17, 7 p.m., $59.50+ Alanis Morissette DTE Energy Music Theatre, July 21, 7 p.m., $26+ Green Day, Weezer, Fall Out Boy Comerica Park, Aug. 19. 7 p.m., $59.50+

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

MUSIC Back-tracking

The best music of 2019, according to us (duh) By Jerilyn Jordan

Cue the Succession theme song, because like the characters on the HBO series, popular culture was mad with power...ful music: from the pastel pop of starry-eyed lover Taylor Swift; to Lil Nas X, the chart-topping queer Black hip-hop cowboy who lassoed our hearts — and ears — with a trip down “Old Town Road”; to Ariana Grande, the no-rings-attached ponytail-wearing queen of the bounce-back who said “thank u, next” to drama; to Time magazine’s entertainer of the year, the Detroit-born twerking flutist and Patrón saint of self-love, Lizzo, whose music and booty defined the beginning of an era and the end of a decade. And while Spotify’s Wrapped may reveal that we, uh, apparently actually listened to a lot of John Frusciante and Elliott Smith (it’s a mood), we would be remiss not to revisit some of the year’s other best musical moments: 1. Weyes Blood | Titanic Rising “Show me where it hurts,” Natalie Mering sings on the opener to her fourth record as Weyes Blood. Well, Natalie. Everywhere hurts. If 2019 taught us anything, it’s to feel everything, and Mering, who has labeled herself a “nostalgic futurist,” helped us do just that with Titanic Rising, a record steeped in beauty. Though the flood of Karen Carpenter and Joni Mitchell comparisons are as fitting here as they were on Weyes Blood’s 2016 freak-folk-forward record, Front Row Seat to Earth, Titanic Rising adds pages taken from the playbooks of Paul McCartney and labelmate Father John Misty. On “Movies,” the record’s lush and orchestral centerpiece, Mering crafts an escapist dreamscape much

like the underwater bedroom from the album’s cover art. “The meaning of life doesn’t seem to shine like that screen,” she sings, addressing the consumption of misinformation fed to us by ﬁlm and media and our willingness to accept disappointment when life does not deliver a Hollywood ending. Titanic Rising is not all gloom and doom, however. At its core, it’s an achingly pretty devotional to positioning ourselves to be the star in our own movie, even if the ship sinks. Listen to: “Andromeda” Use this lyric as your personal mantra when your therapist is unavailable: “No one’s ever gonna give you a trophy/ For all the pain and the things you’ve been through/ No one knows but you” (“Mirror Forever”)

2. FKA twigs | Magdalene When FKA twigs released “Cellophane” — the lead single from her Magdalene, a record that had been years in the making — we signed up for pole dancing classes and created a playlist based on that song … containing only that song ... eleven times. Following the creation of the playlist, end-ofthe-day showers became 20-30 minutes longer as we cried and fantasized about having sex with god. Not, like, that god, but craving an unattainable and otherworldly pleasure. What the fuck did FKA twigs do to us? Well, the answer was revealed once Magdalene dropped, nearly eight months later. Magdalene is more than a breakup record (she split from actor Robert Pattinson in 2017) — it’s a religious text of her own making. Both celestial and carnal, FKA twigs called upon the Bible’s most misunderstood woman, Mary Magdalene, to bet-

38 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

ter understand — and reclaim — herself, her body, and public reputation. “Active are my fingers Faux, my cunnilingus” she sings on “daybed” a song written after she underwent surgery to remove several painful fibroids from her uterus in 2017, putting her sex life — and pole practice — on hold. Even at its most empowered, Magdalene never shies from twigs’ pleas for touch, love, and intimacy — even if that means taking care of it herself. Listen to: “Cellophane” (and no less than eight times in a row) Text this to a partner who is so bad at communication that you literally need to spell it out for them: “I didn’t know that you were lonely/ If you’d have just told me, I’d be home with you” (“Home With You”) 3. Angel Olsen | All Mirrors Perhaps our favorite song of the year is the album opener to Angel Olsen’s stunning and unexpectedly evolved fifth entry, All Mirrors. On “Lark,” Olsen follows a breadcrumb trail of failed love and hypothetical second chances leading to what feels like ruins that, with some cathartic conjuring, could be restored. “Hiding out inside my head, it’s me again, it’s no surprise I’m on my own now,” Olsen belts on “Lark” over a swelling 14-piece orchestra, reinforcing her calling card of trudging through life alone, though adorned. All Mirrors, which repurposes some shimmery remnants of 2016’s My Woman, channels Adrian Belew, Amy Winehouse, and E.L.O., and moves from a mountaintop to a hazy hotel bar. On All Mirrors, Olsen is more than resilient; she’s in control, which is why the record feels like a bold new chapter for the Ashe-

ville, North Carolina, songwriter. Listen to: “Lark” Text this lyric to the last person you took LSD with: “I’m beginning to wonder/ If anything’s real/ Guess we’re just at the mercy/ Of the way that we feel” (“Spring”) 4. Billie Eilish | When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? The strangest cultural addiction of 2019, aside from Juuling, TikTok, and a social media campaign to storm Area 51, was undoubtedly the magnetic teenage demon princess whose internet hype could’ve easily threatened the le-

gitimacy of her voice and vision, which swarmed together for one of the most unexpected releases of the year, if not of the past decade. By the time Billie Eilish turned 18 (which she did on Dec. 18), her debut record earned the singer six Grammy nominations — making her the youngest artist with nominations in the top categories — and was named Billboard’s woman of the year, the American Music Awards’ artist of the year, Variety’s hitmaker of the year, and two Guinness World Records for being the youngest female artist to earn a No. 1 on the UK charts and for having the most simultaneous U.S. Hot 100 hits with 14 songs (and probably the only charting artist to sample a sound clip from he e). Anyway, Eilish did more than make pop goth again — she took the genre and spiked it straight to hell with such angst that it bounced back and through the clouds to some ethereal realm where Xanax and ASMR videos are holy sacraments. Masterful, fun, and, at times, simply a diary of a young girl in a sad grown-up world, Eilish’s debut is the best of both worlds, even if she likes to play the bad guy. Listen to: “Xanny” Use this lyric as a caption to a thirsty Instagram pic of you, like, licking a lighter or something: “And it burns like a gin and I like it,

put your lips on my skin and you might ignite it” (“My Strange Addiction”) 5. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross | Watchmen Vol. 1, 2, & 3 A 2019 TV show about superheroes inspired by a beloved DC 1986 graphic novel by scorned comic legend Alan Moore, who bemoaned the feature ﬁlm adaptation of the aforementioned beloved graphic novel back in 2009? Yawn. Suﬀering from what can only be described as superhero fatigue (thanks a lot, Marvel), it’s no wonder expectations were practically non-existent when HBO announced Watchmen, a sequel series written and produced by showrunner Damon Lindelof. Well, fuck us. Season one of Watchmen, which wrapped earlier this month,

blew our minds and may as well be one of the best and most important first seasons of any television show ever, topping the network’s other home runs, Game of Thrones and The Sopranos. It’s also no wonder that a show this good would have no choice other than to enlist film score duo Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross (Reznor and Ross took home an Oscar for their scoring of The Social Network in 2010) to take on the incredibly complex, time-jumping mindfuck that is Watchmen. Spoiler alert: They fucking do. Like an omnipresent, unseen character, the score, which spans three volumes, is a flurry of unsettling and discordant industrial synths juxtaposed with the occasional jazz reprieve — and also one of the most effective instrumental covers of David Bowie’s “Life On Mars?” which is guaranteed to tear you apart, regardless of whether you’ve seen the show or not. Listen to: Just watch the fucking show, OK? Honorable mentions: King Princess | Cheap Queen Bruce Springsteen | Western Stars Mannequin Pussy | Patience Thom Yorke | Anima Tyler, the Creator | IGOR Lizzo Cuz I Love You

Local albums, singles, and EPs (In no particular order)

1. Stef Chura | Midnight There’s something about Stef Chura and her sophomore record, Midnight. It’s messy and deceptively intimate, like digging around someone’s junk drawer and ﬁnding a family heirloom stuck to a lint roller, tangled in a broken aux cord. Rolling Stone called Chura “a formidable triple threat,” while Pitchfork described her presence on the record as “self-assured as PJ Harvey and as liberated as Alanis Morrisette.” The MT cover girl and punk cheerleader who moonlights as a local karaoke host hones her singular rock howl and candid songwriting that has national outlets joining us in praising her as one of the ﬁercest voices in music.

Ypsilanti-based engineer, producer, and musician, is basically a genius. When we interviewed the Minihorse frontman earlier this year, we learned a bit about how his brain works (very logical and at max capacity and full speed) which, in turn, helped us understand how Living Room Art is so damn good. The record took nearly two years to complete and, later, was mastered at Abbey Road Studios, and feels nostalgic, yet crisp, and is rooted in a pretty personal topic: Collins’ struggle with hearing disorders misophonia and tinnitus, which is why the record goes from loud to soft, bold to ambivalent. 4. Career Club | Cents EP Leah Barnett and Mark Sleeman are Career Club, high school friends-turned-best-live-band in Detroit. What started as casual jamming, recording snippets of beats on iPhone voice memos, resulted in the release of the duo’s EP, Cents, and the catchiest hooks and guitar loops to come out of the city in ages. Most of what Career Club does is improvisational looping with the-ever intuitive Barnett on drums against Sleeman’s sweeping, soaring

pop vocals (think Freddie Mercury meets Celine Dion on some Lana Del Rey shit — no really, it’s not of this world) with synths, distortion, and what might be the most daring element on Cents — its restraint. With their eclectic influences (like their shared love of that old Britney Spears Pepsi commercial) they could lose focus. Instead, Cents is sharp, clean, and one hell of a weird ride. 5. Sada Baby | “Bobby Bouscher” We’re going to ignore the fact that up-and-coming rapper Sada Baby does not rank Eminem in the top five Detroit rappers. It’s OK to be wrong, Sada. We’re not holding it against you, because Sada’s last-minute entry “Bobby Bouscher” (yes, as in Adam Sandler’s character in The Waterboy) is the no-calorie, early aughts throwback rap track we needed to cleanse Detroit’s lo-fi saturated palate. Air dropping nudes? Pee-Wee Herman? A brief instructional on how to properly suck a dick (tip: “it’s all in the wrist”)? “Bobby Bouscher” does accomplish what Sada says Eminem’s music can’t: it’s music you can shake your ass to.

2. Dani Darling | Nocturne EP In just 13 minutes, Ann Arbor singer-songwriter Danielle Davis, who performs aching alternative soul as Dani Darling, ruminates on insomnia, dreams, and the cosmos, blending inﬂuences from show tunes, Radiohead, Feist, CocoRosie, and Lauryn Hill. Like a space-age Ella Fitzgerald, Dani Darling’s Nocturne EP may be a quick listen, but it’s an explorative journey through genres and Darling’s atmospheric vocal abilities, all while somehow feeling like a stroll along the Seine at night — it’s just that dreamy. 3. Minihorse | Living Room Art Ben Collins, the 33-year-old

Sada Baby.

ASYLUM RECORDS

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

CULTURE

DISNEY/LUCASFILM

Abrams gets the ‘Star Wars’ ship back on course

Star Wars: The Rise of the Jedi

By Corey Hall

of his ’70s and ’80s forebears, is eager to please, and tries mightily to make this a crowd-pleasing thrill ride. On a purely technical level he succeeds, with solid action and a resolution to the chronicle that makes emotional — if not always practical — sense. The trouble with The Rise of Skywalker is that most of those thrills are built on what has come before, with themes borrowed from the franchise’s most glorious moments, but falling a bit short of making its own distinct memories. The best moments involve the strange, forbidden attraction between Rey and Kylo (who somewhere beneath his dark facade is still the noble Ben Solo), but the movie is hesitant to indulge in Ridley and Driver’s electric chemistry, or to move any of the other lingering romantic subplots beyond puppy love status. This is, of course, a fantasy realm — not the real world — and that disconnect between adult themes and childhood wonder has kept Star Wars in a curious limbo. Ultimately, the entirety of the “Skywalker Saga” has been about how the sins of the father are redeemed by the child, about how the needs of the future must supplant those of the past ... but yet, in the real world, neither the creators nor the fans can stop looking back to a Galaxy far, far away and a long time ago.

A sprawling, multigenerational epic, loaded down with

technobabble, space battles, loads of exposition, light saber duels, family drama, lore, improbable escapes, and implausible plot contrivances, The Rise of Skywalker is a quintessential Star Wars movie, and for good or ill it’s long past time to reckon with what that really means. As the third entry in the current iteration, and the ninth installment of the massive saga begun by the vision of George Lucas in 1977, it carries the enormous burden of wrapping it all up into a tidy little package, just in time for the holidays — a seemingly impossible challenge that the filmmakers gladly bear. The previous entry, director Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi, took real chances and attempted to dramatically subvert the mythos, which excited some critics — but to many old-school “Warsies,” it was an act of defiance met with such hostility that it drove a deep, nasty rift into the fandom. The blowback and vitriol was so intense that Disney flinched, dumping the radical Johnson and bringing back traditionalist J.J. Abrams to close out the trilogy he started with the mostly well-received The Force Awakens in 2015. Back in command, Abrams swiftly corrects course,

explaining away or laughing off many of the more controversial decisions of his predecessor, and dropping endless winks and name checks to the past, reinforcing this brand’s innate desire to cling on to its holy relics. This fetishism is quite literal this time, with the story revolving around not just ghosts of the past, but multiple physical artifacts that serve as MacGuffins to drive the plot. The famed opening title scrawl informs us that off-screen, between chapters, an old, shadowy galactic menace has inexplicably returned, and both the heroic Rey (Daisy Ridley) and her twisted, dark side semi-soulmate Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) are both racing to get to the bottom of this mystery, and to settle their personal score once and for all. Rey is intent on continuing to hone her mystic Jedi abilities for the looming final conflict, but her pals Poe (Oscar Isaac) and Finn (John Boyega) convince her that the Resistance desperately needs her to immediately get back into the fight against the interstellar fascist group The First Order, or there won’t be a tomorrow. On the brink of defeat in the last episode, our scrappy rebels get new hope from a spy inside the sinister fleet, who gives them a vital tip about the enemy’s

40 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

plans. Joined by old stalwarts C- PO, Chewbacca, and R2-D2, the leading trio embarks on a quest to find a cryptic device called a “wayfinder,” which is the only way to locate the hidden throne world of the villainous Sith, and to try to finally end their evil power at the source. Along the way, the good guys are aided by old warriors like Generals Leia (the late Carrie Fisher in a role pieced together from leftover footage), Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams in a welcome return spoiled by the trailers), and newcomers (Keri Russell under a mask) that fail to make much of an impact. There are a few more surprise reveals and cameos, but If I disclose much more of the plot, the faithful would strike me down in anger. Indeed, Star Wars has always been about faith, both blind and justified, and to commit to the many, many plot holes and manifest illogic of the storyline requires one to suspend their disbelief and embrace the power of the force. Of course, this kind of devotion is also intertwined with nostalgia — with recapturing the feelings that the original films inspired in untold millions of viewers. Abrams, a very capable moviemaker and a slavish devotee to the “new Hollywood” blockbuster style

Rated: PG-13 Run-time: 155 minutes

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

CULTURE

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Higher Ground

Happy holi-daze By Larry Gabriel

It’s that time of year, so let’s

have some marijuana musings to entertain ourselves for the holidays.

Have Yourself a Marijuana Christmas

Have yourself a marijuana Christmas Pack your pipe just right Now all your troubles will be out of sight Have yourself a marijuana Christmas Blue Dream makes you gay From now on your troubles will be far away Gorilla Glue makes things so right Santa has a bag of glee Smoke your cousin’s stash — it’s OK He smoked yours up last year Have yourself a marijuana Christmas Magic lasts all day Make your grandma laugh and smile the day away So have yourself a marijuana Christmas day

42 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

OK, enough of that. However, if you must, there are plenty of Christmas canna-songs to enjoy. There’s “I’ll Be Stoned for Christmas,” “Weed in My Stocking,” “Weed (All I Want for Christmas),” and “Oh Chronic Tree,” to name a few. And if Christmas isn’t exactly your thing, there’s “Pot in the Latkes” and “The Chanukah Song.” Nobody’s on board yet with a pot song for Kwanzaa, but there is a great piece on “Kwanzaa’s Seven Principles: Lessons for Marijuana Activists” piece online at cannabisnow.com. It does seem like marijuana is the perfect little stocking stuﬀer. It’s really good for last-minute gifting, too. We went through the gifting thing with marijuana about a year ago. Remember when it was legal but no one could sell it? Buy a T-shirt, get a “gift.” That seems to have slid away from the headlines lately now that we have some recreational stores up and running. Pipes,

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

CULTURE papers, and other paraphernalia make good stocking stuﬀers, too. It looks like a Seattle man took the idea of gifting over the top. Last week, police in Tennessee busted the guy with 84 pounds of marijuana wrapped as Christmas gifts. When apprehended with the goods, police asked him what he did for a living. “This,” he said. Ap-

Maybe you thought you’d get some buds with holiday-friendly names. I don’t know what’s available around here, but it sure would be nice to pull out some Sugar Plum Fairy, Kings, or Hawaiian Snow for your friend over the holidays. But if you want to get to the crux of the matter with your strain, go straight for the birthday boy and get

It does seem like marijuana is the perfect little stocking stuffer. It’s really good for lastminute gifting, too. parently he does marijuana for a living. He’ll also be spending a lot more time in Tennessee than he intended. Apparently there’s a shortage of Christmas trees this year. A marijuana plant can make a nice alternative if you’ve got one. I remember listening to a number of anti-marijuana panels over the past decade ruing marijuana plants as big as Christmas trees. This conﬂating of Christmas trees and marijuana plants was somehow part of an argument against legalization. But marijuana and Christmas seem to go together extremely well. There are plenty of marijuana tree decorations out there. I’ve seen marijuana wreaths. I suggest skipping the mistletoe, hanging buds around the house, and doing a lot of kissing. Regarding the people you don’t want to kiss: There’s always stuﬀ out there about how to handle a relative with whom you disagree during the holidays. Your uncle the rabid prohibitionist, or even someone crucially politically opposed to your passions. Don’t come in with your arguments ready. Get high, chill, and eat. You got plenty of other times to yell at each other. And if that’s the only time that you ever see that person each year, don’t waste it arguing. And if you’re having edibles, practice some moderation — because you will crash out on the couch in the middle of gift-giving, and your family will make cracks about it for years to come. Plus you might want to stay up to catch a stoner movie as the day ends, though there are limited choices: A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas, The Night Before, and Friday After Next. Of course, you could put on the classic Reefer Madness just for the laughs.

44 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

yourself some Jesus, the strain with a direct connection to the man upstairs. One thing the Bible says is that Jesus loved kids. Well, marijuana makes you feel like a kid again. You can roll around on the ﬂoor, stare in wonder at magic tricks, or help them break a few toys (that thing was not built for your weight). All too quickly, the holidays end with the new year. New Year’s Eve is the biggest party night of the year, but there aren’t any New Year’s marijuana songs that I could ﬁnd. So I just have to do my own parody:

What Are You Smoking New Year’s Eve?

Making my plans for a happy party night Got pre-rolls of Atomic Northern Lights What are you smoking New Year’s New Year’s Eve? Got some Midnight for when the big ball drops I even got some canna lollipops Getting real high on New Year’s New Year’s Eve Weed is now legal, let’s have fun No need to hide, there’s no need to run It’s very comfy just to relax With no fears Maybe you’d like to try some Afghan Skunk We could do that instead of getting drunk What are you smoking New Year’s New Year’s Eve? There are still a lot of issues yet to be settled about marijuana as legalization is implemented. Right now, though, access is easier than at any time before. And that is something to appreciate. Happy holidays.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

Savage Love

CULTURE

By an a age

Q : I’m a mid-20s cis straight man.

er my girl rien an nishe llege she m e erseas s ar her . e e r en u i e an g en a ge her i e. e are in eres e in ening u ur rela i nshi u ha e reser a i ns. he an s he reem hr hersel in her ne rl i h u he ns rain ha ing shu n n n la ni s ar s. y girl rien has r ugh u marriage se eral imes. hile she a mi s she esn ha e a g ra re r i h m n gamy she insis s marriage ill hange ha . n her n ern he las ime she as in an en rela i nshi she hea e n her hen y rien i h me. e es as ne heir rules an as her e a he ime. i n n she as i h s me ne else. n her rin le hen n e in her re en ly ha ha e el e r man i eelings r an her ers n she as e me h se e een her an hem an s a r e his urge ning nne i n. ha el un air seeing as she an s her ree m. he is als ise ual an an s ha e e erien es i h men. ul e ne i h her h ing u i h men u i ma es me si my s ma h hin a u her i h her men. he ul e illing u her esire r e erien es i h her men he si e in r er e i h me she says n e e are marrie . ul l e hear y ur h ugh s n hese hings he her e sh ul en ur rela i nshi . y male emale h u is in i n. m e r ar i y ur ar ner is unsure he her hey are uil r m n gamy u n ne heless an s se le n in a marrie m n gam us rela i nshi . n r essing n irely e i ua i n

1. Don’t open it. End it. It’s time to put this dumb, messy, past-itsexpiration-date shitshow of a relationship behind you. Would knowing your girlfriend is already fucking other people help you do that? Because your girlfriend is almost certainly fucking other people. Already. Because when someone with a shitty track record where monogamy and nonmonogamy are concerned asks their partner for an open relationship while at the same time demanding their partner “abort” any potential “non-platonic” friendships they might have … yeah, that motherfucker is already fucking other people. They just don’t want to give their partner the same freedom they’ve already seized for themselves. 2. It seems like a silly distinction to me, OPENS, one that comes from a place of insecurity. (And a “no other

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dick” rule would make most gay open relationships impossible.) But sometimes, working with your partner’s insecurities — accepting them, not fighting them — is the key to a successful open relationship. And since many bisexuals in monogamous opposite-sex relationships often ask to open the relationship because they want to act on their same-sex attractions (or, indeed, have their first same-sex encounter), keeping outside sex same-sex — at least at first — isn’t an entirely unreasonable request. But this is irrelevant in your case, since your girlfriend is already fucking anyone she wants. 3. Your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend is hilari us. People who are bad at monogamy don’t get better at it once they’re married. If anything, people who were good at monogamy tend to get worse at it the longer they’re married. If your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend isn’t bullshitting, if she isn’t bringing up marriage and monogamy to complicate and extend your conversations about opening up this doomed relationship, then she’s deluded. And if your girlfriend cheats because she gets off on risk, danger, or deception, getting married — which would obviously make cheating riskier and more dangerous — could make cheating more appealing to her, not less.

m a ise ual man marrie he m s eau i ul rans man. an ee my han s ff her. Bu hy an u her anally li e e h an an seem ush as he ga es hi h sen s a signal my rain ha m ing s me hing r ng hi h ma es me r. ee. ery her hing e in e is sm h as sil . el im sn y re eren e

A : I’d have to see video to guess at

what might be wrong — not an ask, LIMP, don’t send video — but it never hurts to use more lube, engage in more anal foreplay, and sometimes do butt

46 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

stuﬀ without even attempting anal intercourse. And when you do go for it, maybe instead of you trying to fuck her/push past the gates, LIMP, you could lie still and let her take charge. In other words: Don’t fuck her with your dick, let her fuck herself with your dick.

m a en ys me hing i man in a l ing rela i nshi hree years i h a s raigh man. as year e ene u ur rela i nshi . he eginning e se s me gr un rules. ne her rules as ha ul ge ge her nly i h men n men. here me a he ime u i as he nly ay she ul e ening u s i n ress her n i . as r ar a u le ays ag hen r ugh i u again. he e en ually a mi e she s a rai ill lea e her r a man an ha s hy he i ea me eing i h her men ma es her un m r a le. he n s hese are s ere y es u she says she an ge er i . en e ha nigh angry an hur . n n ha . e h nes i e eren in an en rela i nshi ul n e here y he a ha an e se ual i h men. Bu n ha n she is n i h me ing s e ause hese i s ere y es i ri es me nu s. m n g ing en ur rela i nshi er his u h an ge her uners an my ise uali y is n a hrea Bye Bye Bise uali y

A : “BBB obviously isn’t going to leave his girlfriend for the ﬁrst man he sleeps with,” says Zachary Zane, a “bisexual inﬂuencer” and a sex writer for en s eal h. “All bisexual men are not secretly gay. But this is a lie — a vicious stereotype — that BBB’s girlfriend has heard countless times. So even though she knows this logically, she still can’t shake that concern. Fear often isn’t rational, and it can override logic. She’s simply insecure.” And while accommodating a part-

ner’s irrational insecurity is sometimes the price we have to pay to make an open relationship work, accommodating y ur partner’s insecurity — one so clearly rooted in biphobia — isn’t going to be sustainable over time. You’re already angry and hurt, BBB, and you’re going to get more upset with every dick you have to pass up. So what do you do? “The key to helping BBB’s girlfriend understand that his bisexuality isn’t a threat is for him to reassure her often that he’s not going to leave her for a man,” says Zane, “and to tell her and show her how much he loves her. He might also ask if there’s a way she’d feel more comfortable allowing him to be sexual with a man. Maybe they have a threesome. Maybe she prefers that it be someone she knows, or someone she doesn’t know. There’s a lot to discuss.” But eventually, for your own sanity, you’re going to have to insist that your girlfriend get over her biphobia. She can’t just throw up her hands and say, “I can’t help it!” “Perhaps I’m giving BBB’s girlfriend too much credit, but it sounds to me like she’ll come around in time,” says Zane. “And while BBB is angry — and validly so — the anger shouldn’t be placed on his girlfriend. It should be placed on a society that has ingrained in her the belief that bisexuality isn’t valid and that bi men will always leave their wives/girlfriends for another man if given the opportunity.” And if she never comes around, BBB, then you can show her how silly and irrational her fears were by leaving her for another woman. Follow Zachary Zane on Twitter @ ZacharyZane_. On the Lovecast y u rus gay men m re sell y u l hes ien e has he ans er sa agel e as . m. ues i ns mail sa agel e.ne . ll an n i er a e ansa age. e rea y hum hum lm es . m.

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

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metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

CULTURE

Meet the New Year, same as the Old Year! Hey kids, don’t wait in line for a fancy bar, it’s too freaking cold.

OPEN NEW YEARS EVE

Horoscopes

ARIES: March 21 – April 20 Close others may have too much to say about what you “ought” to be doing. It’s not in your nature to be beholden to anyone. Still, the feeling that you need to bow down to those who think they know what’s best for you is ﬁlling up your life right now. Are you overcompensating; do they really run the show? Who you really are is on the line. The clock is ticking, and your higher self is waiting for you to snap out of it. The expectations of others shouldn’t dictate any of your choices. Get wise enough to see that those who love you need to want for you what you want for yourself.

LEO: July 21 – August 20 Don’t be too quick to shut people oﬀ just because you don’t want to hear it. The enlightened soul never shiess away from what they don’t want to hear. More often than not, the message exposes a blind spot. At this point, none of us can aﬀord to close our eyes to anything. So take a look around and welcome any opportunity to clean up your karma, tie up loose ends, or get closure on people and things that remain to be dealt with. The rest of your life is about to open up — and if you want the future to expand into a dream come true, you’ve got to be big enough to release the past.

TAURUS: April 21 – May 20 You put too much stock in what other people think. All of us have been heavily programmed to believe that these things matter. It does no good to focus on others because it takes us too far away from ourselves and leaves us no peace. You need to remind yourself what you’re worth and forget about who knows it. While you’re at it, enough with the arrested development. You’d do better to bring all of this intensity and analysis to things that create unity and harmony in your life. Stay open. Much of what gives you shelter will come from new and diﬀerent channels.

VIRGO: August 21 – Sept. 20 You might not know what to do next, but at least you’re aware that something needs to change. Reviewing the last few months, let me remind you that nothing has been easy. The reason you’re obsessed with moving on to something new and diﬀerent is because you’ve had to give up everything just to hang in there and do it. Give yourself a month or two to reﬂect on your motives, and don’t shift directions until you know for sure that you can’t get any satisfaction out of this. Bold moves won’t work right now; stay cool, keep your nose to the grindstone and wait.

By Cal Garrison SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 21 – Dec. 20 You can’t be expected to handle all of this on your own. Stop for a minute and try to ﬁgure out why you always end up in this position. It’s great to be the soul of generosity, but when it sucks you dry, it’s time to haul back and get a grip on what you’re doing to yourself. Others make it seem as if they’re there for you, but you’ve just woken up to the fact that none of your needs are getting met. Hello It’s great to be so all loving and all giving, but there’s something to be said for drawing a boundary or two — just enough to raise your hand and get what you want out of this. CAPRICORN: Dec. 21 – Jan. 20 The way is clear. It’s been a long time since you’ve had an opening. As you tie up loose ends and try to ﬁgure out where you want to go from here, many of you have no idea who you want to be when you grow up. Something has been germinating in the turmoil of the last several years. You know better than anyone what it means to have everything stripped away. Those of you who haven’t buckled under the weight of loss and humiliation are getting ready to start all over again. Changes in relationships and or changes in location are bound to be part of whatever happens next.

GEMINI: May 21 – June 20 Your head and your heart are at cross purposes. Part of you is all logical and on top of things, but your feelings are anxious and vulnerable. If you’ve figured out how to function in spite of this disparity, God bless you Old stories keep cropping up. Long forgotten issues, along with “stuff” you’ve never openly acknowledged, is rising to the surface for the first time. It’s time to deal with it. As you press forward with your outer goals, the deeper things are bound to interfere with your progress — that is unless you hold all of it up to the light and make the darkness conscious.

LIBRA: Sept. 21 – Oct. 20 You’re feeling a little confused. It’s hard to know what’s going on when you can’t see yourself clearly. Part of you clings to the past, when in fact you bear no resemblance to whoever you were a year or so ago. Getting up to speed will require you to stop and look at what has changed. Until that happens, you’ll ﬁnd yourself feeling like a split personality. For the next few months, the two of you will be all over the place trying to ﬁgure out if the you that has been born out of all of this is ready to hatch, or if the old you needs more time to get with the program.

AQUARIUS: Jan. 21 – Feb. 20 It’s pretty clear that you have some choices to make. A lot is at stake, so do your best to slow down and look at what’s really going on here. What has come to fruition in the last few years is now at the point where it needs to be redeﬁned just enough to include the “You,” and the new dynamics that have grown out of the experience. Numerous adjustments will call you to place yourself in a new role. Stop babysitting. Sever ties with anything or anyone that keeps you stuck. Find ways to speak your truth without negating other people’s right to speak theirs and be who they are.

CANCER: June 21 – July 20 You’re in one of those situations where the ball is in the other person’s court. This will require just a little more patience and a little more time. You need to remember that they have their own story, and they have to ﬁnd a way to come to terms with it before they can reckon with you. On some level, they’re as ready to go for it as they’ll ever be. Trust yourself enough to know that you’ve done everything in your power to make things work. What happens next will depend on how willing people are to stop messing around and get real about what’s important to them.

SCORPIO: Oct. 21 – Nov. 20 Things couldn’t have come at a better time. After a long wait, you now see why there had to be a delay. Without having to give it too much thought, whatever it is that ﬁnally showed up at the end of the rainbow is giving you a chance to start all over again. Along with this, the idea that it’s safe to make plans and that others might even want to go along with them is giving you hope that the next phase of your life will include a clearer sense of what life and love are all about. If you can maintain your balance and stay honest, the next few months could yield something totally awesome

PISCES: Feb. 21 – March 20 You’ve got a full-on load of energy sweeping over the main frame of your life. God knows how it’s showing up in your everyday affairs, but the thrust of the lesson has to do with surrendering to forces that are bigger than you are. At the end of the day, all of this will mold you into a finer version of yourself. The way it feels isn’t always comfortable, but you’ve figured out how to handle the feelings of “overwhelm” and intensity that keep taking you back to square one. Stay open, keep the faith, and remember how to remain true to what you know about love and kindness.

50 December 25-31, 2019 | metrotimes.com

metrotimes.com | December 25-31, 2019

Metro Times 12/25/19

Articles inside

The People Issue