Riverfront Times — May 6, 2020 by Chava Communications

RIVERFRONT TIMES

MAY 6-12, 2020

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RIVERFRONT TIMES

MARCH 6-12, 2019

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MAY 6-12, 2020

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Plague School HAVE YOU CUT your own hair yet? Grown green onions from kitchen scraps? Taken up guitar? If we’re going to live through this disaster of a spring (year?), we might as well learn some lessons we can take into the future. For this week’s cover story, we teamed up with our sister papers in Detroit and Cincinnati to take stock of what we know after six to eight weeks of lockdowns and social distancing. There’s a gallows humor to most items as well as plenty of bright spots and some sadness (RIP John Prine), which feels like a good representation of the mix of emotions and challenges these days. Also in the paper this week is the latest installment of Cheryl Baehr’s excellent Side Dish feature, which she’s retooled as coronavirus-era interviews with those in the restaurant and bar business as they navigate one of the hardest-hit industries. And Ymani Wince is back with her playlist of local artists, which couldn’t have come at a better time for those of us who are growing tired of our standbys. If you enjoy what you read and want to see it continue, please consider joining the Riverfront Times Press Club. It helps us pay the bills for this newspaper that we’ve distributed for free for more than four decades. You can sign up at www.riverfronttimes.com/stlouis/SupportLocalJournalism/Page — Doyle Murphy, editor in chief

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Publisher Chris Keating Editor in Chief Doyle Murphy

E D I T O R I A L Digital Editor Jaime Lees Hero In A Hot Dog Suit Daniel Hill Contributors Cheryl Baehr, Trenton Almgren-Davis, Jenna Jones, Monica Obradovic, Andy Paulissen A R T & P R O D U C T I O N Editorial Layout Haimanti Germain Production Manager Haimanti Germain Art Director Evan Sult M U L T I M E D I A A D V E R T I S I N G Advertising Director Colin Bell Senior Account Executive Cathleen Criswell Account Managers Emily Fear, Jennifer Samuel Multimedia Account Executive Jackie Mundy C I R C U L A T I O N Circulation Manager Kevin G. Powers

COVER 80 things we’ve learned in quarantine (and hope to remember afterward) Cover illustration by

JACLIN HASTINGS

E U C L I D M E D I A G R O U P Chief Executive Officer Andrew Zelman Chief Operating Officers Chris Keating, Michael Wagner VP of Digital Services Stacy Volhein www.euclidmediagroup.com N A T I O N A L A D V E R T I S I N G VMG Advertising 1-888-278-9866, vmgadvertising.com S U B S C R I P T I O N S Send address changes to Riverfront Times, 308 N. 21st Street, Suite 300, St. Louis, MO 63103. Domestic subscriptions may be purchased for $78/6 months (MO add $4.74 sales tax) and $156/year (MO add $9.48 sales tax) for first class. Allow 6-10 days for standard delivery. www.riverfronttimes.com The Riverfront Times is published weekly by Euclid Media Group | Verified Audit Member Riverfront Times 308 N. 21st Street, Suite 300, St. Louis, MO 63103 www.riverfronttimes.com

INSIDE Hartmann News Feature Short Orders Culture Savage Love

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MAY 6-12, 2020

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General information: 314-754-5966 Founded by Ray Hartmann in 1977

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HARTMANN Cardinal Sin Sucking up COVID-19 dollars is a new low for St. Louis’ team even by corporate welfare standards BY RAY HARTMANN

he St. Louis Cardinals certainly are fortunate not to be confused with the Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers were publicly hammered last week for receiving a forgivable $4.6 million loan from the federal CARES Act, the national coronavirus economic relief plan enacted by Congress. It came from the Payroll Protection Plan, the object of public outrage when it became known that big guys like the Lakers — and they were hardly alone — were getting taxpayer handouts at the expense of the nation’s small businesses, for whom

the program had quickly run out of funds. The Lakers were perp walked by the national media even as they returned the money, supposedly upon learning that PPP funds had run dry. Their limp explanation that “we repaid the loan so that financial support would be directed to those most in need” was accepted by no one. Even Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin went full Bernie Sanders on the Lakers: “I’m a big fan of the team, but I’m not a fan of the fact that they took a $4.6 million loan,” he said on CNBC. “I think that’s outrageous, and I’m glad they returned it, or they would have had liability.” If Mnuchin thinks you’re too greedy, well, I won’t even bother with an analogy. What’s all this have to do with the Cardinals? Well, it turns out that our beloved baseball team has also discovered a way to help itself to a share of the very same federal CARES COVID-19 relief dollars, but

under a separate tax credit provision established for companies that don’t qualify for the PPP. The tax credits portion of the CARES act has flown under the radar. Under it, a qualified company can receive taxpayer dollars indirectly through a reduction of its employer-match share of social security (FICA) payments. A company gets forgiven up to $5,000 per employee in taxes it would normally have owed, in exchange for maintaining a certain level of its workforce. The Cardinals provided the RFT with a communication sent to key personnel that referenced the need to shut down operations because “as a result of doing so, we believe that we may be able to utilize the employee retention tax credit available under the new CARES Act to help us retain our full-time employees during this suspension ofoperations.” It appears the team had to shuffle some employee hours — for people they apparently planned to

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pay in any case — to get a piece of the emergency pie. The Cardinals didn’t respond to our follow-up questions as to the amount of the tax credits, but their website lists roughly 280 non-players. Back-ofthe-napkin math suggests the team will rake in substantially more than $1 million in CARES tax savings. The Cardinals have been happy to discuss parts of their private finances publicly with the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, which reported they are paying employees through the end of May (as are 28 of the other 29 MLB teams, a fact not noted in the story). They didn’t mention seeking help from the CARES Act for that purpose. More significantly, the Cardinals volunteered that they hadn’t qualified for PPP funds and wouldn’t apply for them. They took pains to leave the distinct impression that this was no Lakers situation. Well, that’s cool, but only if one accepts a distinction without a dif-

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ference. Whether a company receives handouts through the PPP program or by having its FICA obligations forgiven through tax credits, it is still receiving the same, precious federal taxpayer dollars from an emergency COVID-19 program certain to run out of money for the people who desperately need it. And as the Lakers discovered the hard way, just about everyone — even the Mnuchins of the world — would agree that Congress didn’t intend for the CARES program to enefit tycoons who own lavish professional sports franchises. However beloved they might be, the Cardinals are one of those. According to the annual Forbes “Business of Baseball” ranking released just a month ago, the Cardinals have a franchise value of $2.2 billion, seventh among Major League Baseball’s 30 teams. Forbes reports that the Cardinals enjoyed $72 million in earnings on $383 million in revenues in 2019. The current ownership group headed by Cincinnati’s William DeWitt Jr. — arguably the best in the business at running a baseball team — purchased the Cardinals in 1995 from Anheuser-Busch for a reported $55 million (net of the sale of parking garages included in the deal). Based on Forbes’ estimates, that investment has increased 40fold. If you had been able to write a check for $10,000 for a share of the Cardinals in 1995, that little price of a low-end used car would be worth $400,000 today. Of if you prefer to think of it in real estate terms, an investment in the team of $160,000 — the average price of a house in 1995 — now represents a mansion worth $6.4 million. As a capitalist, ’m fine with whatever rewards the Cardinals’ owners might have reaped from whatever risks they might have taken. But considering how crazy wealthy these people have become — not even counting the untold hundreds of millions in profits they’ve received over the years — for them even to consider taking advantage of COVID-19 emergency relief funds is repulsive. This is not just a case of a company taking all the normal tax breaks to which it is entitled. Everyone has a right to do that. No one needs to tip the government. This is about a professional sports franchise actively pursuing tax breaks expressly meant for folks who are suffering. This program is about provid-

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Considering how crazy wealthy these people have become, for them to even think of taking advantage of COVID-19 relief funds is repulsive. ing life-saving personal protective equipment to our frontline health care and first responder heroes, for COVID-19 tests and for all the funds needed to keep business dreams and suffering Americans alive. Literally. That’s why the Lakers drew such scorn. And why it’s so unconscionable for the Cardinals to even consider taking a dime — directly or not — through CARES. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m not all that impressed with this band of corporate socialists. They have been happy to collect more than $100 million in corporate welfare for their new stadium from city and county taxpayers after having been rejected in their late 1990s bid to extract a quarter of a billion dollars from Missouri taxpayers. And now there’s this. And as a lifelong Cardinal fan — from decades before these barons arrived on the scene — let me remind you of this: The Cardinals date all the way back to 1900 as a civic jewel. Not all of its history has been great — its legacy of racism was downright ugly in the ’50s — but the team has prevailed as a treasure. The current owners of the Cardinals — who have raised just two of the team’s eleven championship banners — didn’t create the magic we cherish in that sea of red, and for which we’re yearning right now. They just bought into it at the right time. Their idea of the Cardinal Way is to horn in on the enefits of a COVID-19 relief program? I’d says they’ve disgraced themselves. Pretty much like the folks who own the Los Angeles Lakers. n Ray Hartmann founded the Riverfront Times in 1977. Contact him at rhartmann@sbcglobal.net or catch him on St. Louis In the Know With Ray Hartmann and Jay Kanzler from 9 to 11 p.m. Monday thru Friday on KTRS (550 AM).

NEWS

Pushed Out Washington University residential advisors fight for compensation after dorms close Written by

JENNA JONES

oel Anderson and Jade Gardner loved their jobs. As residential advisors at Washington University, they were student employees, helping to manage operations and daily life in the university’s dormitories in exchange for housing and meals. The two say they spent nearly all their time taking care of their residents. Whether planning events or helping a student through a crisis, they were there for the people living in their halls. Until COVID-19. Washington University was one of the first colleges in greater St. Louis to close its campus and move classes online. The closure included dormitories and cost residential advisors their jobs. The student employees received an email on March 11 informing them they were terminated immediately, they should stop contact with their residents and they were no longer eligible for any further compensation. Residential advisors, or RAs, are paid through non-taxable living allowances, leaving them unable to apply for unemployment. In response to their sudden termination, Gardner and another RA started a petition requesting compensation. So far, it has reached more than 1,600 signatures. “[Being an RA] was one of the most rewarding parts of my semester, which is really good ’cause RAs at Wash U don’t get a stipend or any enefits eyond housing and food,” Gardner says. “That connection and love with our residents is really what keeps us there. But it does sting a little bit to have been so suddenly cut off from the one enefit that we do get, which is housing and meals, and to not be getting any sort of compensation to help with that.” In a written statement (included in full at the end of this story), the university says the RAs are not

Washington University residential advisors want the college to compensate them after cutting their jobs when campus closed. | COURTESY JOEL ANDERSON paid an hourly wage, so there are no paychecks to replace. However, the school says, it has tried to take care of the RAs by offering to allow them to continue living on campus for free and refunding payments for unused meal plans — or forgiving unpaid bills for meal plans. The RAs are also eligible to apply for help from the school’s Crisis Response Fund that is open to the student body for essentials, such as medicine, food and housing. “One of our highest priorities throughout this time has been and continues to be to support our highest financial need students as much as possible through this unprecedented situation,” the university says in the statement. “Our Residential Advisors are incredibly valuable members of our community and we have taken steps to ensure that, like all students, those with financial need have access to assistance.” But the RAs say the steps the university has ta en are insu cient or have been rolled out clumsily, with information from the college arriving slowly, if at all. And RAs weren’t allowed to just remain on campus, they say. They could apply and make a case that they needed to stay due to “extenuating circumstances,” according to the group. “We are aware of multiple RAs

who had their petitions denied (which led to homelessness for at least one RA),” the residential advisors group says in an email. Anderson says there are a number of RAs who really need the financial enefits, such as free housing and reduced-cost meals, that come with the position. He and the group of RAs leading the fight for compensation conducted a survey in which the RA community was able to anonymously share their experiences. Fifty RAs responded, and several recounted financial struggles such as high prices for flights home, family bills skyrocketing with an extra mouth to feed and having to buy new clothes after being forced to leave them behind. Gardner has lost her therapy appointments, and Anderson says many of his belongings are still in his dorm room at the university, waiting to be shipped to his family home in Tacoma, Washington. “For certainly a notable amount of RAs, it’s een a pretty di cult last month,” Anderson says. “When it comes down to it, we’re still expected to be students, which is understandable, but to ma e additional sacrifices li e dealing with homelessness, food insecurity, mental health problems, emotional abuse at home from di cult family situations. firmly elieve that these are sac-

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rifices that we shouldn’t e as ing students to make right now.” The RAs have had little luck with their employers. Anderson says communication with the ce of Residential Life has been frustratingly limited. he o ce has held a large Zoom call with the group, but not smaller meetings, as the student employees requested, the RAs say. Anderson, a senior, is trying to make sure he leaves his colleagues in a better place than what they are currently in. “It would be really great and really comforting for me to know that people in the RA community who I hold very near and dear to my heart will be well taken care of next year or in years in the future if this situation is replicated,” he says. The RAs are asking the school to compensate them with a one-time grant. Schools like Saint Louis University paid their RAs and student employees $750 in order to help with expenses. The RAs say the application for the university’s Crisis Response Fund was not made available until a week after the students had left campus. Few have actually been accepted or received the amount they needed, according to the group. Another round of applications has begun and Anderson says the

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process this time is much quicker. They still don’t know the acceptance rate. Gardner says she understands it’s a di cult o to go through these applications at a quic rate and doesn’t lame the administration for having di culty with the crisis fund. “ get why that would e a really hard thing to put a timeline on ecause, unfortunately, the losses that a lot of students have faced during this time are not very easy to quantify, ardner says. “ t’s very hard to read from this application, li e, ho are the students who are most in need, who are the students we can support ’ ut, it ust goes to show, thin we have to e honest a out the fact that fran ly, it’s ust not enough. Some of the RAs are hopeful the situation will lead to etter communication with the ce of Residential ife, the department that oversees the residence halls. “ e want this to e a starting point in creating more discussion around etter RA Res ife relationships and etter accounta ility and a etter system through which RAs can actually voice concerns without any sort of fear of, li e, institutional retaliation, says one RA, who as ed that her name not e pu lished ecause she is concerned a out ac lash from the university for spea ing out. “ e ust want to as for etter transparency, etter communication and a etter system. f this were to happen again, which it might, would they continue to kind of leave RAs out of the conversation and leave RAs in the dust hat’s the concern. She says this was her first year as an RA and she loved it. However, she fears that this will prevent future students from oining the staff. “I know a lot of people have ind of an apprehension a out wor ing with Res ife as an administration, and thin this ust ind of, li e, really ind of sealed that for a lot of people, she says. “ t’s really disappointing to put all of our hearts into this o and to go a ove and eyond supporting our residents and doing what we can for our community, despite, in my opinion, not eing paid well enough. t’s ust een really disappointing. Anderson says there was support from the administration after the university’s Student Union proposed a resolution to help the RAs

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with financial needs. Anderson says the administration encouraged the advocacy, ut the ce of Residential ife re ected their demands as financially untena le. Gardner says this situation has weighed on her mental health. She recounts having a heart to heart with her fellow RAs and how heart ro en they were. “ truly ust started crying hearing a out the position that people were in and reali ing that we ust weren’t getting enough assistance and we weren’t getting enough help, ardner says. “ ash U is a school that really emphasizes us getting to now people y name and y story. t sounds cheesy, ut it does mean that ’ve gotten to know a lot of my coworkers really well, and it ma es me really sad to see them in this vulnera le place. It makes me really sad that we are currently not eing offered the support that we need. ere’s ashington University’s full statement: “ ne of our highest priorities throughout this time has een and continues to e to support our highest financial need students as much as possi le through this unprecedented situation. Our Residential Advisors are incredi ly valua le mem ers of our community and we have taken steps to ensure that, li e all students, those with financial need have access to assistance. Since RAs are compensated with free housing and free or reduced cost dining, they are not paid an hourly wage or salary therefore, they do not receive a paychec that could e replaced. e have allowed RAs who wish to stay in the residence halls during the remainder of the spring semester to do so at no cost, even though they are no longer wor ing as RAs, and we have given dining refunds to those who had unused meal points or forgiven alances due for those who owed for meal plan overages. e also have provided grants to RAs who held other part-time hourly o s on campus, to ma e up for lost earnings from those sources. n addition, RAs, li e all students, are eligi le to apply for financial assistance through the ashU Student Crisis Response fund, which the university esta lished to help students pay for housing, food, medicine and other essential needs during this time. e all are disappointed that the spring semester is ending this way, and we are grateful for the leadership and role that our RAs fulfilled this year. e will continue to provide support to all of our students during this di cult time. n

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Marcus Hunt, in tie, speaks to police Chief John Hayden last Friday at the camp. | DOYLE MURPHY

Downtown Homeless Camps Dismantled Judge Rejected Restraining Order Written by

DOYLE MURPHY

pair of tent camps have been cleared out of downtown parks after a federal judge sided with the city of St. Louis in a legal battle over their future. Until Saturday, about 50 people were living in tent cities north of Market Street and east of Tucker Boulevard. The city had tried for weeks to persuade the residents to leave, arguing the camps posed a public health risk as the COVID-19 pandemic continues to spread through greater St. Louis. They had tried soft sells — sending outreach workers and city officials to do health checks and offer warm beds — and more hard-nosed tactics, including a 4 a.m. visit by police and city work crews in early April. But people living there said they had nowhere to go. They were skeptical of the city’s offer of shelter beds — or they didn’t want to go to a new environment where they’d have to mingle with new people, possibly exposing themselves to infection. After a weeks-long stalemate, the city issued a formal order last week to evacuate the camp by 10 a.m. that Friday. The eviction notices were zip-tied to tent poles. The looming deadline set up a showdown for the day of the ordered move out. By 7 a.m. that morning, the public interest law firm ArchCity Defenders had filed a lawsuit against the city on behalf

of a 39-year-old woman named Ranata Frank who lived in one of the camps. Frank had applied for housing three weeks earlier but had yet to be placed. The suit, which sought class-action status for others in the park, argued people like her would be made into criminals or forced to scatter into the streets against Centers for Disease Control guidance if the city was allowed to enforce its order. They requested a temporary restraining order against the city to bar it from forcing people to leave the parks while the suit was pending. “It is impossible for an individual to follow a ‘Stay at Home’ order when he or she is experiencing homelessness and cannot access a shelter bed,” the suit says. “Instead, an unhoused person has no choice but to make do and seek shelter in public spaces, often in violation of laws related to park curfews and sleeping in tents.” As the attorneys scrambled to file the paperwork and prepare for a hearing, the parks filled with people in anticipation of the 10 a.m. deadline to evacuate the encampments. The camps were divided into two sections. The eastern camp, across from City Hall, was known as the “Family Camp,” and the western section was where most of the single people stayed. As 10 a.m. on Friday hit, camp residents and activists chanted “We don’t want to go!” while police and city officials gathered along the edges. Police Chief John Hayden and several of his top commanders were on the scene along with the mayor’s chief of staff, Steve Conway, and the city Director of Operations Todd Waelterman, who led a team of city workmen in safety vests. Orange garbage trucks sat at the ready. Marcus Hunt, who has become a spokesman for the camps, told Hayden that people living in the parks didn’t trust the city, because they had seen little

Police Chief John Hayden leaves the western camp Friday after people refused to vacate. | DOYLE MURPHY help in the past. “Every time I’m homeless, I see the inside of a jail cell,” Hunt, 29, yelled. “That’s the help.” At 10:31 a.m., Waelterman and workers carrying trash bags marched into the western camp. The crowd of camp residents and activists hurried to block them, hopping on top of rolled up tarps and tents to keep them from being seized. Waelterman clashed briefly with people, grabbing a flag that someone pointed at his stomach before a man in the crowd yanked a surgical mask off Waelterman’s face. “Police!” cried Waelterman, raising his hand as if calling a waiter. “We’ve got an asshole here!” Police didn’t seem too eager to intercede but stepped forward as Waelterman and the workers retreated back to the road. Fifteen minutes later, Hayden and police supervisors in white shirts loaded up in SUVs and drove away, stopping for a bit in front of the eastern camp before heading off. Park rangers and a couple of bike cops remained nearby, but the majority of the officers moved about two blocks away where they were mostly out of sight by the library. People in the camps celebrated as Hayden and the others left, waving and cheering while the garbage trucks rolled away. But it was a short-lived victory. During a two-hour hearing on Friday afternoon, ArchCity attorneys Lee Camp and John Bonacorsi argued that the city’s claims that it had plenty of shelter beds for those who would be forced out of the camps simply wasn’t true. There had been a waiting list of more than 90 people as of the day before, and the addition of about 230 beds through new contracts the city had signed with outside properties really only replaced the number of beds lost at existing shelters that were allowing fewer people so they

could keep everyone safely spread out. But U.S. DistrictJudge Sarah Pitlyk believed city attorneys Michael Garvin and Robert Dierker as well as Dr. Fredrick Echols, the city’s public health director, who insisted that anyone who wished would be driven to hotels. People living in the parks would be prioritized for beds. The city admitted Frank had asked for housing, but they said it was her own fault she was still living in the park, because city workers couldn’t find her when they went to follow up. Pitlyk didn’t rule immediately, which bought people in the camp another night. On Saturday morning, she ruled against the temporary restraining order, which cleared the way for the city to dismantle the camps. She also scheduled a preliminary injunction hearing in the lawsuit for May 12, but without the restraining order, the camps were doomed. Over the weekend, the majority of people accepted the city’s offer to move into shelters, hotels and motels, climbing into taxi cabs provided by the city to drive them away. Advocates for those in the camps say several people weren’t able to get beds because the city ran out of space. Jacob Long, a spokesman for Mayor Lyda Krewson, disputed that. “All individuals who were willing were placed,” Long said in an email, adding that the city has placed about 100 people from the camps in recent weeks. “The city did not run out of room.” Workers returned, and this time, they met with no resistance. Most of the people were gone when they hauled away tents and abandoned belongings while Krewson and Public Safety Director Jimmie Edwards looked on. By Monday morning, nearly everything was cleared away. A couple of men slept on benches without tents as city workers paced the grounds, picking up scraps of trash. n

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Chances are, if you are a human on the planet Earth, you’ve recently spent four to six weeks (or more) in some type of quarantine — self-imposed, government-

mandated or a combination of both. Unless, of course, you’re a health care worker, essential employee or have other extenuating circumstances that meant you couldn’t safely loc yourself away at home while figuring out what household textile to use as makeshift toilet paper or whether to binge Tiger King or Love Is Blind first. So why has the entire world come to a collective halt? Because we have no immunity to the novel coronavirus COVID-19, a highly contagious and what seems to be highly deadly (to certain people) respiratory illness that has overwhelmed hospitals across the world, infecting more than 3.1 million people and killing more than 227,000 since January, according to Johns Hopkins University. There’s no real treatment (no, you cannot inject yourself with disinfectant or beams of light, despite the president’s suspicions) and no vaccine, although scientists, medical professionals, researchers and ill ates are scram ling to find oth. In the meantime, social distancing has been a stop-gap measure to help contain the spread of C and “flatten the curve,

everyone’s favorite phrase for using isolation to decrease the amount of humans infected with the virus to avoid inundating the

health care system and killing everyone. So, yes, we did acquire a new viral vocabulary during quarantine, but what else have we learned in the midst of this global pause? And what meaningful lessons about empathy, resilience and our shared humanity will we take with us as we move forward — masked and hand-sanitized — into the future? Other than to be a better person and never take restaurants for granted again...

1. What six feet apart actually looks like.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends people practice social distancing to help stop the spread of CO-

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WHAT WE’VE LEARNED

Bronx Zoo tested positive for COVID-19 after contracting it from a zoo staffer.

VID-19, which basically means standing six feet apart from each other so you can’t spew infected goo droplets onto other people. ut “si feet is a di cult concept to understand for those with no spatial awareness. So here are things that take up six feet: two normal dogs standing nose to tail, two grocery carts, a dude in a top hat laying on the ground, a dining room table, a bathtub, three arm spans and si fifths Danny DeVitos.

15. House cats can also catch the coronavirus.

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Two pet felines in New York state tested positive for coronavirus in late April after most likely getting it from humans. The CDC now recommends the same social distancing protocols for animals as they do for people. No more cat parties.

16. What the inside of every late night show host and TV anchor’s house looks like.

Jimmy Fallon has a slide. WCPO Chief Meteorologist Steve Raleigh has one giant-ass TV.

2. There are multiple names for the same disease.

The novel coronavirus, in the same family as SARS and MERS, goes by COVID-19 or SARS-CoV-2. And it went by a third name — the “Chinese virus” — but President Trump decided to stop using the term, which he coined, in late March after many pointed out it was pretty racist. Although, to e fair, the flu pandemic is still called the “Spanish flu, and one can imagine several Spanish people took issue with that.

3. Nobody really knows the governor of Missouri’s name.

Brought into stark relief during this public health crisis is the fact that, actually, nobody really seems to know the name of the governor of Missouri. There are a couple of prominent guesses: Mike “Parson,” maybe, or perhaps Mike “Parsons”? Maybe it’s “Mikes”? In any case, given the fact he hasn’t really done much — even in the face of a global pandemic — and nobody voted him into o ce anyway, it seems unlikely people are going to get to the bottom of this anytime soon.

4. We should all be very grateful for all that we have in life.

Even if you get COVID-19, if you have access to any kind of health care you are already doing better than much of the world.

5. The literal shape of COVID-19.

It looks like a Koosh ball or the iPhone germ emoji.

6. What a pangolin is.

These cute-ass scaly anteaters are thought to have been an intermediate host for COVID-19, which may have jumped from bat to pangolin to human in a wet market in Wuhan, China — where the virus originated. In light of the pandemic, the Chi-

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17. WTF Zoom is.

2. There are multiple names for the same disease. nese Ministry of Agriculture recently released a list of approved terrestrial animals that can be used for food; pangolins did not make an appearance. So it seems best to avoid eating them. Or bats. Or humans.

7. How to not touch our faces.

Don’t. That’s how germs get into your body.

8. To always have at least two weeks’ worth of toilet paper. Do. That’s how you clean your butt.

9. Every song with a 20-second chorus.

“Keeping hands clean is one of the most important steps we can take to avoid getting sick and spreading germs to others,” says the CDC. And the best way to keep your digits disease free is to wash your hands with soap and water for 20 seconds — or the time it takes to sing the “Happy Birthday” song twice — over and over and over again throughout the day. So while the public was discovering the importance of timed hygiene, and the mindnumbing repetition of singing happy birthday to themselves, they also uncovered every other song with a 20-second chorus to break up the monotony of bathroom karaoke. The next time you wash your hands, trying singing the chorus to Dolly Parton’s “Jolene,” “Queen’s We Will Rock You,” Beyonce’s “Love on Top,” Prince’s “Raspberry Beret,” Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide,” Toto’s

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“Africa,” Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts,” or The Knack’s “My Sharona (corona).”

10. Everyone in the world has an acoustic guitar.

And their tip jar is in the comments.

11. The virus has exposed racial disparities in the U.S.

The coronavirus has had a disproportionate impact on the African American community. In Michigan, for example, the group makes up 13.6 percent of the population but one-third of the state’s coronavirus cases and 41 percent of its deaths. In St. Louis, the city’s first thirteen deaths were all black people. Generations of racist housing and economic practices have trapped many black people in economically depressed neighborhoods, where residents are far more likely to have pre-existing health conditions like diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure, heart disease and obesity. A disproportionate number of lower-income residents also work in the service industry, where employees are in close contact with the public.

12. All of our friends’ streaming passwords. 13. How to kill a man using a tiger and sardine oil. Carole.

14. Tigers can catch the coronavirus.

So can lions. Eight big cats at the

And how to turn yourself into a talking potato.

18. New official south St. Louis County motto: Give me burnouts or give me death.

South county made the news for one of the most south-county reasons ever in April after crowds gathered in droves at Ronnie’s Plaza in Sappington to do a bunch of burnouts in the shadow of a TGI Fridays, despite stay-athome orders and social distancing guidelines meant to slow the spread of coronavirus. Cops watched on, directing tra c as gearheads peeled off burnie after burnie, with many in the crowd actually standing in front of the cars as they did so. Basic survival skills may be lacking here, but would you get a load of all that tire smoke?! Majestic.

19. How to make our own cocktails.

St. Louis’ own We Are Live! hosts its Virtual Happy Hour every Thursday on Facebook, and along with musicians and comedians, guest bartenders and the bar savvy have been teaching us how to make “Quarantine Cocktails.”

20. That we will never complain about having to wait two hours for a table at a restaurant again. Remember eating at restaurants?

21. We were wrong about the Loop Trolley.

Nothing says “social distancing” like an entirely empty streetcar devoid of other passengers. The Loop Trolley backers weren’t the utter and complete fools we took them to be after all. They’re visionaries!

22. Grocery delivery services are extremely convenient until

everyone else also learns they are extremely convenient.

Here’s hoping you can survive on peanut butter and cans of tuna until 4 p.m. three weeks from now.

23. Essential workers are heroes.

Delivery drivers are heroes. Mail people are heroes. Grocery store employees are heroes. Nurses are heroes. Transit workers are heroes. Frontline workers are heroes. Any essential employee that continued to go to work to make America move when the rest of us were afraid or hunkered down in our homes is a hero. Thank you.

24. Every health care worker deserves access to personal protective equipment. 25. Small businesses will step up when the government or supply chain can’t.

When America ran out of personal protective equipment for frontline workers, small businesses started pivoting their production. Home sewers and craft clubs started making their own cloth masks for people to wear over their medical masks, and textile producers across the U.S. used their resources to make masks as well. In Cincinatti, Sew Valley revamped their West End incubator to make cloth masks and protective gowns with Hemmer Design for those on the frontlines of the COVID-19 crisis.

26. When making your own hand sanitizer out of liquor at home, the CDC recommends using at least 60 percent alcohol spirits.

So it is hereby safe, healthy and wise to keep a lot of moonshine, Everclear and Bacardi 151 on hand. You know, for emergencies.

27. Shower curtain works just fine in a TP-emergency pinch. 28. On a more serious note: bidets, apparently. 29. The Insane Clown Posse cares more for its people than many American politicians.

Even as the airwaves filled with politicians and talking heads from the right side of the aisle clamoring for states to reopen and save the economy regardless of the potential loss of human life, some real leadership emerged: namely, that of the Insane Clown Posse, two face-painted clowns from Detroit who shut down their annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival months ahead of its planned dates, saying they’re

unwilling to risk the life of even one juggalo in the face of a global pandemic. Our government, at the state and federal level, has a lot to learn from these wise men, who I once watched give speeches about their buttholes during a D.C. civil rights protest on the national mall.

30. Sweatpants can also just be called “pants.” 31. The reality of food insecurity in America.

onprofit eeding America says 98 percent of food banks have seen an increase in demand as a result of COVID-19 since March.

32. The real speed limit is whatever the sign says plus 25 mph when a pandemic discourages police from initiating traffic stops. 33. We, and many of our fellow St. Louisans, would literally kill for some Ted Drewes.

24. Every health care worker deserves access to personal protective equipment.

Probably by standing shoulder to shoulder spreading disease during a pandemic, if they would just open up for business again.

38. Nitrile gloves surprisingly don’t biodegrade when left on the ground outside of the grocery store.

34. Teachers should be paid ten times more money for dealing with our unteachable heathen offspring.

39. Meat thermometers can also be human thermometers.

Oh, so you thought teaching was easy, huh? Wrangling a bunch of snot-nosed, mouth-breathing beasts, animals restrained in their behaviors only by their relatively small size, uncaring creatures hellbent on refusing to learn and continuing to eat crayons? What a fool you were. Now you are the one who rations the crayons, you are the one whose lesson plan has devolved to “Please leave mommy alone for a moment for a little cry” and “Oh, no, don’t drink the ‘juice’ out of mommy’s glass for god’s sake.” Not so easy now, is it? And get this: You even love your children! Imagine if you had to deal with these monsters without the requisite emotional connection. Now, don’t you think teachers should be paid more?

35. Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear is the hot dad we never knew we needed. 36. Tupac Shakur is alive in Kentucky. 37. J.K. Rowling is a fan of Ohio’s creative ping-pong ball social distance marketing campaign. She said so on Twitter.

When Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine told people and businesses they needed to start taking people’s temperatures to check for COVID-19, he overlooked one little thing: America was basically out of thermometers. And the ones you could get were selling online for a huge markup. But — life hack — turns out you can stick a meat thermometer under your tongue to take your temperature. Do not stick a meat thermometer into your skin. You probably could, but it would not be comfortable.

40. This is what our dogs/cats feel like cooped up in the house all the time. 41. The benefit of outdoor activity.

man while people with more money get to bail out and await trial at home. Such reasoning has traditionally been ignored, but the threat of outbreaks in jails has made more prosecutors and judges willing to rethink blindly stu ng ails with people who could just as easily be let loose — if they had the money to buy their freedom. Bail reform advocates across the country have been frantically raising money to cover bail for inmates, rather than leaving them trapped in a confined space with hundreds of others. And while it’s hard to argue that large swaths of our world are not falling apart these days, it’s not because a bunch of people who haven’t been convicted of anything get to shelter in place with their families.

44. Apparently we should stop our longtime practice of drinking bleach as a health cure, if all of these memes making fun of the president are to be believed.

Whether it be backyard gardening, a walk with your dog or a solo hike, we’ve never appreciated our “outside time” more.

45. We didn’t deserve John Prine, and we didn’t appreciate him enough when he was still here.

42. How to exercise with wine bottles instead of weights.

46. How to make a no-sew face mask with items you can find around the house.

Or your cat, a stack of books, a cinder block you found in the backyard ...

43. We could scrap cash bail.

Pesky social justice types have for years argued it’s not fair to keep poor people locked up because they can’t afford a bonds-

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47. Summer music festival season is canceled. Sucks.

48. How to get refunds for canceled concerts.

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WHAT WE’VE LEARNED Continued from pg 13

Ticketmaster found itself in hot water after the company quietly amended its refund policy to no longer offer full refunds for postponed or rescheduled events, only refunding those that had been formally canceled. After an outcry, Ticketmaster’s president Jared Smith said the company “intends to refund as many tickets as possible in as timely a fashion as is feasible.” Once a postponed event announces a new date, ticket-holders will then e notified via email, at which point they can begin the refund process. Upon receiving the notification, tic et holders will have just 30 days to request a refund — otherwise the ticket will be applied to the rescheduled date. Their plan appears to have a catch, however: Artists whose tours have been postponed, like Billie Eilish and Elton John, have not pulled the plug nor scheduled make-up dates — making those shows potentially ineligible for Ticketmaster’s refund.

30. Sweatpants can also just be called “pants.”

58. What a stay-at-home order means for those experiencing homelessness.

Years of neglecting or harassing people living on the streets led to large tent cities in downtown St. Louis and even more clashes with city o cials and police than usual at a time when lots of the normal resources, even just a bathroom at an empathetic business, are no longer an option.

59. Even the (state) government agrees that marijuana is essential, finally catching up to what the most stoned among us have known for decades.

50. How much porn is too much porn?

In quarantine, there is no right answer.

51. How to vote by mail.

Ohio’s primary election was originally supposed to wrap up with in-person voting March 17, but a last-minute order by Gov. Mike DeWine and the Ohio Department of Health closing polls amid concerns about the COVID-19 pandemic resulted in an extension of absentee voting until April 28. Which means you had to request an absentee ballot by mail, then receive an absentee ballot by mail, and return an absentee ballot by mail (or dropbox). The ballots did not come with an “I voted” sticker.

52. Citywide front-porch happy hours are something we could get used to. 53. Drive-by honkings are the new birthday parties. 54. The value of a hug. 55. Maybe spending time with your family isn’t so bad after all.

Big, scary situations like this have a way of making unimportant things disappear. In times of crisis, we often find out who we can really turn to in life, and sometimes you find out that the most relia le

depressions and terrible natural disasters. Not only can they teach you how to cope, they can also tell you where to plant tomatoes in your yard for the highest yield. (Where there is full sun and warm soil.)

people in your life are family. You might not always agree with them on politics or other topics, but when you are sweating out a fever and desperate for a Tylenol delivery, it’s often your family who will step in and save you.

56. If you have good friends, you are rich.

Maybe you’ve been laid off. Maybe you’re down to your last $20. Maybe it feels like your walls are closing in on you, and you’re totally freaking out. In these (and all other) situations, having good friends is invaluable. They’d do for you what you’d do for them, and you can watch out for each other. So many people don’t have this. If you do, count your blessings.

57. We can learn a lot from the elderly.

They’ve been through it all, and they know how to survive it all. Now with everybody turning to the old ways of baking bread and planting gardens, the best advice you can find is from your elderly loved ones. They’ve survived violent flu seasons and multiple

64. That the “Reopen” protests are not a spontaneous, grassroots movement.

Nationwide, protests have erupted against governors’ stay-athome orders, arguing they’re excessively hurting the economy. But this is no populist uprising — it’s an astroturf campaign funded by Big Money right-wing agitators like the billionaire Koch and DeVos families to make the working class get back to work (for the billionaires). And it’s funny how when Colin Kaepernick kneeled during the National Anthem to protest police brutality he was a traitor, but when a bunch of white guys storm the Michigan capitol with assault rifles they’re patriots. Hmmm.

65. Stay-at-home orders don’t slow down the reckless gunfire.

Most states have allowed their medical marijuana dispensaries to continue to operate during the pandemic, which makes sense: For many, pot is a medicine, and it can reduce anxiety and alleviate pain. In Illinois, the state’s recreational pot shops have also been deemed essential — because if we can’t go on a real trip any time soon, we can least go on a mental one.

66. There’s a chance they make getting unemployment a bureaucratic nightmare on purpose.

60. How to cut our own hair.

69. We can learn a lot from people who are sober.

Jessie Hoffman, owner of East Walnut Hills’ Parlour salon in Cincinnati, has produced several Instagram live videos walking the shaggy masses through the painstaking and terrifying task of trimming our own bangs, God bless her.

61. Men we know will grow quarantine beards, or will experiment with new cringeworthy facial hair shapes.

(Insert shocked face.)

67. Love conquers corona.

Some weddings have been rescheduled, others have been held in creative and intimate ways.

68. How to grieve from a distance.

Right now we are all learning to

Continued on pg 17

62. When industry stopped, global pollution dropped.

People in northern India could see the imalayas for the first time in 30 years, LA had some of the cleanest air of any major city in the world in April, and jellyfish were seen swimming in the nearly clear canals of Venice. Although temporary (pollution will rebound when the global economy restarts), the near-immediate impact is a nice reminder of the power humans have over the environment — for both good and bad — especially surrounding the 50th anniversary of Earth Day.

63. That people can successfully work from home in many industries. riverfronttimes.com

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if you want something done to ask a mom. This is true. But if you ask a mom with a disability, chances are it will already be done.

WHAT WE’VE LEARNED Continued from pg 15

take it one day at a time. We’re also learning how to apply the Serenity Prayer and learning that there are many things we cannot change. Sober people already knew all of this.

76. Inflatable shark/dinosaur/ unicorn suits will not keep you from contracting COVID-19.

We asked a scientist. She said no.

70. All of our favorite brands care about us during These Trying Times, and they will be there for us as soon as These Trying Times are over.

77. Washing your hands several times per day results in scaly dinosaur hands. 78. The immediate economic fallout that comes from closing restaurants and bars.

We love you too, Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

And other nonessential businesses. More than 30 million Americans applied for unemployment between March 21 and late April.

71. Everyone you know learned how to bake sourdough bread and post about it on Instagram. 72. The term Cuomo-sexual.

67. Love conquers corona.

73. Staying safe at home isn’t always safe.

75. We can learn a lot from people with disabilities.

Thank you for the Cuomo brothers memes, internet.

Especially for victims of domestic violence or children who are suffering from abuse.

74. People cleared out the shelters because dog is man’s best friend.

on’t now where to find usually common) medical supplies like masks or need tips on how to stay at home for months alone without losing your mind? Call up that friend that you rarely see because of their disability. Chances are that while you

79. When you can’t go to the music, music will sometimes come to you.

were out visiting all of the bars and dropping in on multiple grocery stores, they were at home getting their groceries delivered and learning how to ration their alcohol supplies. People with physical disabilities have to adapt constantly, so their problem-solving skills are usually top notch. They say

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St. Louis neighborhoods have been treated to two-man brass bands, porch concerts and rooftop musicians. Can we keep this going after isolation is over?

80. You don’t have to be productive during quarantine.

Sometimes it’s enough to just focus on taking care of yourself and those you love. n

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SHORT ORDERS

No Breaks Dani Leiran Stays Busy With Juniper’s To-Go Crowd Written by

CHERYL BAEHR

hen Juniper’s (4101 Laclede Avenue, 314-329-7696) ani eiran first heard rum lings a out the threat of C , her instinct was to hope for the est. hen the mo ile payments com pany Square canceled its regular catering gig with the restaurant. e t, wee day lunch usiness started to dwindle dinner service followed suit. t didn’t ta e long for her to reali ed that the res taurant industry was in for a hit — ut she didn’t e pect how usy she’d e in the midst of it. “At first, thought Square was eing overly dramatic and low ing things out of proportion, ut it turns out, they were foreshad owing a future we didn’t e pect, eiran says. “Eventually, we made the decision to do delivery, and now we are cur side only, ut we are so usy on the wee ends feel li e am in the weeds every night. e had all of these special deep cleaning pro ects we thought we were going to get to ecause we’d have all this time on our hands, ut we’ve een too usy to get to them — and ’m very grateful for that. eiran does not ta e for granted the fact that she has een a le to eep her o as sous chef at u niper. i e so many of her col leagues in the restaurant industry, she’s seen her professional world turned upside y the pandemic. owever, ecause uniper has re mained open during the entirety of the crisis, eiran has remained steadily employed. t’s given her a unique vantage point to watch as people’s dining ha its — and what it’s li e to wor in a restaurant — change in response to C . “People are eating up chic en and urgers, ut they also throw us so many curve alls, eiran says. “Also, in a restaurant you can visuali e and e pect what is a out to e coming ac to the itchen. hen you see a full din

For Dani Leiran, staying busy is the key to getting through the COVID-19 crisis. | ANDY PAULISSEN

ing room and no tic ets yet, you now it’s coming and you have to get ready for it. his is li e lind coo ing. ou don’t now what to e pect. eiran nows that the C crisis will change the industry — how much or for how long, she’s not sure. ne thing she thin s is highly li ely, however, is that the ta eout phenomenon is here to stay, and she is interested in see ing how restaurants innovate in that space. She thin s that provid ing guests with an e perience that goes eyond simply putting food in a o is going to e the ey to a restaurant’s success in navigating this new way of doing usiness. “ his is reshaping the industry, and ’m thin ing of what can do to ma e people feel special, ei ran says. “ riting something on a o , throwing in a free dessert — ust having good hospitality and a good encounter with them when they pic up their food will help people feel normal. Someday, hope we will go ac to normal, ut when we do, don’t thin peo ple will ta e going out to eat for granted. eiran too a rea from coo ing up all of that fried chic en and meatloaf to share how she’s een navigating this ma or change in the industry, how she maintains

a sense of normalcy and how the outpouring of support from the city’s dining community gives her hope, even when things seem lea . As a hospitality professional, what do people need to know about what you are going through? his is equally as hard for us as it is for the guests who aren’t al lowed to dine with us. e miss seeing people fill our dining rooms, ma ing a special event even more special with great food and drin s, having our friends come in and sharing our pas sion for food with everyone that comes through the doors. can’t wait to plate food and ad ust ac to eing a dine in restaurant — ’ll never ta e that for granted again. What do you miss most about your job? he everyday operations of a res taurant — the sounds and smell of it all What do you miss least? he hours usually wor don’t other me. owever, these short ened wor days are a nice rea . What is one thing you make sure to do every day to maintain a sense of normalcy? a e up every day around a.m. to get my day started, whether it e slowly or hit the ground running.

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What have you been stress-eating/ drinking lately? ’ve actually een drin ing a lot less. What are the three things you’ve made sure you don’t want to run out of, other than toilet paper? aterloo spar ling water, coffee and ushers. Once COVID-19 is no longer a threat and people are allowed to go back out and about, what’s the first thing you ll do Eat in a restaurant What do you think the biggest change to the hospitality industry will be once people are allowed to return to normal activity levels? thin the hospitality industry is changed, to a certain degree, for ever from the pandemic. t’s go ing to e a slow return to normal activity, and don’t thin normal will ever e “normal again. What is one thing that gives you hope during this crisis? he continued support from St. ouis. At uniper, we constantly stay usy, and people eep on show ing up, wee after wee , to order to go food, donate money for Meals for Meds and ust simply than ing us it’s pretty incredi le. People want places to survive this hard time and to feel as “normal as possi le y getting food from some of their fa vorite restaurants. n

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314.772.980 3153 MORGANFORD RD. ST LOUIS, MO 63116 Under new ownership, Three Monkeys has transformed into one of the best neighborhood restaurants & whiskey pubs in the area. With an ever-growing list of over 60 whiskeys, 16 craft beers on draft, specialty cocktail & an exciting new menu of gastro pub favorites - they have something for everyone. The menu is ample with offerings, including some of St. Louis’s best hand-tossed pizza, great shareable appetizers, burgers, vegetarian options, pasta, steaks & more. Embracing the price point of other south city pubs, Three Monkeys offers a great happy hour! Come enjoy $6 select appetizers, including the best fried Brussels sprouts in town, $5 Manhattans, Sazeracs & Old Fashions, as well as discounts on wine & craft beer. Sunday features one of the most extensive brunch buffets in the city, loaded with your favorite breakfast items, an omelet & pasta station, plus seafood, appetizers, desserts, & many other goodies. Located in Tower Grove South, it’s the perfect place to have dinner, share a pizza with family, or just belly up to the bar with your favorite drink.

The fast-fresh, made-to-order concept has been applied to everything from pizza to pasta in St. Louis, but the sushi burrito surprisingly had no Gateway City home until BLK MKT Eats opened near Saint Louis University last fall. It was worth the wait, though, because BLK MKT Eats combines bold flavors and convenience into a perfectly wrapped package that’s ideal for those in a rush. Cousins and co-owners Kati Fahrney and Ron Turigliatto offer a casual menu full of high-quality, all-natural ingredients that fit everything you love about sushi and burritos right in your hand. TheNOT SwedishYOUR Fish layers Scandinavian cured salmon, yuzu dillSPOT slaw, AVERAGE SUSHI Persian cucumbers and avocado for a fresh flavor explosion. Another favorite, the OG Fire, features your choice 9 SOUTH VANDEVENTER DINE-IN, TAKEOUT OR DELIVERY MON-SAT 11AM-9PM of spicy tuna or salmon alongside tempura crunch, masago, shallots, jalapeño and piquant namesake sauce; Persian cucumbers and avocado soothe your tongue from the sauce’s kick. All burrito rolls come with sticky rice wrapped in nori or can be made into poké bowls, and all items can be modified for vegetarians.

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Looking for the best seafood in St. Louis or the Midwest—don’t fret, Crawling Crab is now open! Here, we drizzle everything in garlic butter and then sprinkle on our magic dust! In a fun and casual atmosphere, you’ll enjoy fresh, hand-cleaned seafood ranging from lobster, shrimp, and of course crab legs. All platters come with corn sausage potatoes and Cajun boiled eggs and shrimp that won’t disappoint. For those pasta and veggie lovers out there, there is a spot for you here too! Enjoy our double dipped garlic butter rolls along side with your meal. And if you are still not stuffed, we have homemade dessert on the menu too! Have a big family coming in or an event coming up? Enjoy our family meal options and our beautiful seafood tables. As we continue to grow, we are excited to add new items to the menu, get creative with new recipes, and give back within the community. Join us on the first Tuesday of the month for $20 platter specials, and $5 appetizers on every Wild Wednesday! Open Tuesday thru Saturday 4pm-10pm, currently located in the 24:1 Coffee House Cafe.

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Housed in a retro service station, J. Smugs GastroPit serves up barbecue that can fuel anyone’s fire. Married teams of Joe and Kerri Smugala and John and Linda Smugala have brought charred goodness to the Hill neighborhood, nestled among the traditional Italian restaurants, sandwich shops and bakeries. Part of St. Louis’ ongoing barbecue boom, the J. Smugs’ pit menu is compact but done right. Ribs are the main attraction, made with a spicy dry rub and smoked to perfection. Pulled pork, brisket, turkey and chicken are also in the pit holding up well on their own, but squeeze bottles of six tasty sauces of varying style are nearby for extra punch. Delicious standard sides and salads are available, but plan on ordering an appetizer or two J. Smugs gives this course a twist with street corn and pulled-pork poutine. Several desserts are available, including cannoli – a tasty nod to the neighborhood. Happy hour from 4 to 7pm on weekdays showcases halfdollar BBQ tastes, discount drinks, and $6 craft beer flights to soothe any beer aficionado.

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Gin Week St. Louis Plans for Uncertain Future Written by

CHERYL BAEHR

unday, April 26, would have been Gin Festival St. Louis, the finale of the sixth annual Gin Week St. Louis, which celebrates the spirit and draws enthusiasts and cocktail professionals from around the globe for its series of events, socials and educational opportunities. This year, founder Natasha Bahrami had no choice but to cancel the festivities because of the COVID-19 pandemic. But when she looked out her window, she couldn’t help but chuckle. “Sunday was supposed to be the final day — the culmination of the week,” Bahrami says. “Every year, it threatened to rain. This was the one year when it was gorgeous outside.” Despite the pleasant weather, the outlook for the city’s food and beverage community has been gloomy these days. Since the pandemic turned the industry on its head this March, hospitality professionals have watched their livelihoods disappear as businesses such as restaurants, bars, event spaces and hotels were forced to close out of concern for the health and safety of their employees and customers. With dining-room closure orders in effect for St. Louis city and county, businesses’ revenues have drastically declined,

Tower Grove Farmers’ Market Returning on Saturday for Season Written by

JENNA JONES

or Tower Grove Farmers’ Market cofounder Patrick Horine, the warming temperatures marks the beginning of his business’ season. Normally, the outdoor shopping center would be filled to the brim with stalls for the vendors. The fresh produce would be out for all to purchase. This year, however, the market may look a little different. Fewer vendors, more space and strict safety measures are going to be in place. “We’re going to start out small to see how it goes,” Horine says. The Tower Grove Farmers’ Market and the Boulevard Farmers’ Market in Richmond Heights will be reopening in the coming weeks, starting with a limited offering on May 9 in Tower Grove. The mar-

even as many remain open and work harder than ever to navigate the new reality of curbside, takeout and delivery services. As Bahrami explains, events like Gin Week St. Louis have been hit hard, too. With gatherings restricted to small numbers of people, festival goers are prohibited from attending events. Once the restrictions are lifted, she wonders if they will even want to. “I’m nervous for these large venues, because how do you survive when no one is doing events?” Bahrami wonders. “The whole world is going to change a little bit. We have to take all the positives we can get right now, but some of these events like Gin Week or 4 Hands’ Lupulin Carnival have to be canceled right now, because we can’t be the social beings we want to be anymore. It used to be that people would walk by a bar and look in a window. If it wasn’t busy, they’d say, ‘No, I’m not going in.’ Now, they’re going to look in the windows and hope it’s not busy so they can go in.” However, Bahrami remains optimistic for the future of Gin Week St. Louis and her Ginworld brand, which produces gin festivals around the country. She sees this year as a temporary pause, not an end, and is confident that the festivals will continue as soon as it’s safe to do so. Much of her optimism has to do with the outpouring of support. Though she’d sold hundreds of tickets to the Gin Festival, including $110 VIP tickets, not one person reached out to her for a refund in advance of the decision — and when she did cancel and begin processing refunds, many asked her if they could donate their money to Ginworld instead as a way to ensure its

longevity. “I told them, ‘Take your money and go buy a bottle of gin,’” Bahrami says. “We don’t get to have this experience this year, but we will next year. We have six years of this relationship with people, and what I didn’t expect was, not only the people who come from St. Louis, but the people who come in globally to have such a connection — how much they were looking forward to it and how sad they were that they can’t do that. Everyone is excited to be a part of this next year.” Bahrami knows that she faces much uncertainty when it comes to putting on events in the near — and possibly long-term — future. The festival draws 600 people, so she is bracing for the possibility of having to rethink the format. Already, she had

changed this year’s Gin Week events to be smaller in scale, and she is considering the idea of having the festival outside next year, something the venue has already said it can accommodate. She’s even taken some of the educational and social activities online, such as a gin release and accompanying cocktail demonstration by the Gin Room (3200 South Grand Boulevard, 314-771-3411) bartender Dale Kyd. Whatever it takes, she is determined to make sure that Gin Week and Gin Festival live on. “This industry is nothing if it’s not where people figure things out, so we’re going to figure it out,” Bahrami says. “This is not just a festival. It’s a family. We didn’t get to do it this year, but we will come back stronger than ever next year.” n

ket will move from its normal spot to the park’s Circle Drive, configured to follow new safety guidelines. Shoppers and vendors at the market will be required to wear face masks and practice social distancing. There will be chalk markings to keep lines in order, and vendors will be spaced further apart than usual with separate tables set up to pick up food and pay. There will also be fewer vendors in the marketplace. Horine says more vendors may come later in the year, but for now, they have to stagger in order to maintain a healthy and safe environment for shoppers. “The farmers market has always been a community gathering place,” Horine says. “That won’t be the same this year.” Instead, Horine says it will take on a shopping center feel. The outdoor environment will allow for fresh air, unlike indoor stores. The park will also be open and allow people to distance themselves when they need a break. Fewer vendors means more space in between stalls but less money for the market. Horine struggled mainly with when to open, but ultimately, the farmers became the deciding factor. “In April, it was OK [to not open because]

the produce wasn’t all the way ready. In May, the products are growing and [farmers] are harvesting and they’ll need a place to sell,” Horine says. “That’s been what’s driving us to get a plan in place. It’s definitely going to be a challenging year.” The Tower Grove Farmers’ Market will continue on Saturday mornings through the season, and the Tuesday evening markets will resume from 4-7 p.m., starting Mary 19. The Boulevard Farmers’ Market will begin its Sunday operations on May 17 in the outdoor space at The Boulevard shopping center in Richmond Heights. The bulk of the markets’ profits are in renting out stalls and vendor fees. Some of the vendors have chosen not to return this season. “We lost a couple of vendors because they knew the challenges of the upcoming season are just too much,” Horine says. The markets will know what kind of position they are in financially by July. More vendors are expected to join the market as the season goes on. The ones who are participating face the challenge of adapting to a new reality. Most vendors will have to use a contactless form of payment. Others, like the Amish and older farmers, will still be allowed to use cash.

“It’ll be done in a way where one person will be handling the money and one person will be handling the food,” Horine says. “We’re taking a lot of precautions, and it will be a pretty safe space for everybody.” In a typical year, the market has three pillars to its business: a community gathering space, an ability to distribute fresh food to the region and support for local growers. With the first pillar impossible right now, Horine hopes to focus on the other two. He says that based on past years, the market has a strong local food system. “If we can get through this season bringing a good supply of food into the market and we can keep our farmers and vendors open and in business, that’s going to be a huge accomplishment,” Horine says. “We have a good strong local food system based on years of good years and by shopping at the farmers market, people will be contributing to that strength and it will keep it intact through 2021.” The Tower Grove Farmers’ Market will be open 8 a.m.-12:30 p.m. on Saturdays and 4-7 p.m. on Tuesdays. The Boulevard Farmers’ Market will be open 9 a.m.-1 p.m. on Sundays. n

Gin Week may be canceled this year, but Natasha Bahrami vows the festival will go on. | MABEL SUEN

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MAY 6-12, 2020

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CULTURE

[MUSICAL THERAPY]

The Quarantunes Here are some local artists whose songs, videos and records are helping us get by Written by

YMANI WINCE

hat are you most looking forward to doing after this is all over? It’s a loaded question. Many of us are struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, as well as coming to terms with the very real fact that a new normal is upon us. I think about going to my favorite bars and clubs. I want to have small plates and tacos with my friends. I wanna walk with my grandparents through their backyard garden. I’d love to give my parents a hug. My wants and feelings are small in comparison to the sacrifices essential wor ers are making every day. And for that, I am beyond grateful. I remember being a super angsty teen. I’m talking completely losing my shit listening to Coldplay songs, and “identifying heavy” with Deathcab For Cutie. Sometimes I look back on my teen years with disbelief of how weird I was. And yet, I remember exactly where I was in my life when those older songs play in bars, the mall and on random shu e on my phone. Over the past seven or so weeks, I’ve relied heavily on music to get me through. Since last November, I’ve been writing about local music. It’s an opportunity that’s given me the freedom to write about artists St. Louis might have otherwise never known about. The local hip hop and indie music scene has tremendous talent. It’s been a privilege to witness what feels like a sort of renaissance of art happening over the last several years. St. Louis creatives have been living in a bubbling cauldron that is ready to boil over.

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The Show Me Cypher recording a track during simpler times. | CURRY STREET STUDIOS Then COVID-19 came. When bars and music venues were forced to close their doors, the upcoming local concerts went with them. For so many up and coming artists in this city, the opportunity to perform at many of these venues were guaranteed ways to get audiences interested in their music. When that opportunity was taken away, St. Louis artists continued to rise to the challenge. And so I continue to be inspired by the sounds coming out of these neighborhoods. Musicians are hosting live streams on social media, they’re still putting out the projects they’ve spent months working on, they’re premiering music videos. They are even performing on rooftops for their neighbors. Through it all, my own quarantine playlist has been a lineup of local artists; some I’ve written about, some I haven’t. From the perspective of a local music writer, here’s what’s on my quarantine playlist.

TRACKS Pinkcaravan! — “Hot Sauce” Ever so creative with her wordplay, “Hot Sauce” is the latest single from rapper pinkcaravan!. It’s a catchy and bouncy song that raves about, you guessed it, hot sauce. The rapper has a history of uniquely describing food in her music, laid on top of tick-tocky Candy Land-esque beats that can

MAY 6-12, 2020

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NandoSTL. | RABSOPETTY only be described as quintessentially Namesake, pinkcaravan!’s longtime producer. FAVORITE LINE: “Lunchables / Lunchables / I only got time to stack cheese / And if you talking to me crazy / you ain’t talking to me” MBZ Live: “Stop Talkin’ to Me” (featuring J’Demul and EJ Carter) Good hook writing is really hard to come by with local rap artists. ftentimes, artists find themselves just spitting over a beat

with really heavy lyrics and no memorable hook. Truly not the case here. MBZ Live on the hook and the first verse is e citing. is cadence and voice control are unique, and “Stop Talkin’ to Me” is the type of song one would expect to hear in heavy rotation on the radio. Coupled with J’Demul on the second verse and EJ Carter to round out the song, it’s a track everyone should hear. FAVORITE LINE: “Pockets ain’t fat ‘cuz I got it on a credit card / And it swipe real well”

Anwar: “On Baby” he first time heard “ n a y, was shook. t’s a trac y the artist Anwar and has quic ly ecome the first thing play in my car on the way to uy essential items. f the rim Reaper was a rapper, his voice would sound li e Anwar’s in this song. he trac has no traditional structure. t ust starts, reading li e one long reath with repetition at the end. t’s the perfect song that illustrates it’s not what Anwar’s saying, it’s how he’s saying it. Produced y ove a er. FAVORITE LINE: “ stay in the hood hey’ll ro you for your goods Most houses here are vacant ut they still sell quality drugs oddamn oh hell hat shit ama ed me eah this gon’ slap put that on a y NandoSTL: “What a Day” A soulful rapper whose sound is influenced y multiple genres, andoS is an artist whose rise to fame is certain. ff his recent EP Bamboo, which he released the first wee into quarantine in March, “ hat a ay is nothing short of sonically stunning. t’s a song that features ando rapping over his live and, playing with vocal styles, tempo and cadence. he trac is heavily influenced y ando’s struggles in life with lac of trust in family, in past love and in life’s ups and downs. Perfect for this time of social distancing and reflection. FAVORITE LINE: “ rusted in my daddy and he let me down hat a day hat side of my family can’t even come around ’Cu of things they say Plus it really hurt me when my a y momma cheated uess everything was wasn’t everything you needed got scars on my heart from that hat a day

EP RELEASES Orlando Vaughn: No Rush ith a title fitting of the times, musician and producer rlando aughn lesses listeners with his latest EP, No Rush. or five trac s, aughn mi es chill, groovy instrumentals with se y, soothing interludes. t is sonically pleasing, what could e descri ed as the soundtrac to finishing up house chores. ith a sampling of vocals, aughn does not disappoint. STANDOUT TRACK: “My ighter

Zado: Stuck in Tha House Ever the clever wordsmith, ado’s aptly named EP Stuck in Tha House is an appeti er of a ody of wor for listeners eager to have fresh content in quarantine. t’s got three trac s that showcase the rapper’s styli ed mum lings he’s cultivated as a signature sound. ts e plosive eats with matching punchlines ma es ado a rapper that audiences can always e pect something unique from. STANDOUT TRACK: “Penn eller featuring op

TO WATCH Nikee Turbo: “Slap” i ee ur o is ac with a super creative music video for his latest song, “Slap. t’s a fun watch that showcases ur o in a variety of situations, including clad in a Storm rooper suit, hand painted y prolific artist roc Seals, along with quir y scenes. he trac is e plosive, e ecuted in a way only i ee ur o can. Various Artists: “#SHOWMECYPHER” nce heralded as the premier rap cypher in the city, he Show Me Cypher is ac . his time, it features a younger crop of some of the city’s most e citing names, including Myrion wos, the riter, ig eph, ou ri e igg and op. t’s a stunning ten minute loo , as the rappers showcase their varying styles in a mashup that’s equally eautiful to watch as it is to hear. Creator and award winning filmma er on Ale ander enlists the creative prowess of videographers Ale on and rew rown for a pro ect that had all social media awaiting its release. Tre G: “Take Off” Singer songwriter and theatre performer re recently released the visual to his trac “ a e ff from his pro ect As I Am. The song itself is a touching allad, and the video matches its vi e perfectly. As we’re all at home thin ing a out life and what the future holds, re ’s som er yet uplifting piece is ust what everyone needs. or this, the artist tapped fellow singer songwriter rea ocal for her directing s ills, while ou ri e igg shot and edited with a touch only someone invested in the piece could wield. n

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MAY 6-12, 2020

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MAY 6-12, 2020

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SAVAGE LOVE Amazed and Confused BY DAN SAVAGE Hey, Dan: I’ve been with the same amazing man a dozen years. We’ve had our ups and our downs, same as any other couple, but these days life is better than it ever has been for us. Except in the bedroom. A few years ago he started having fantasies about sucking dick. pecifically he wanted to suck a small one because his is very big and he wanted to “service” a guy who’s less hung than he is. hich is fine except it s now the only thing that gets him off. We seldom have sex now because his obsession with sucking off a guy with a small dick makes me feel unattractive and, to be honest, I don’t share the fantasy. I even let him suck a dude off in front of me once, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. He tells me he still finds me attractive but when we’re having sex the talk always goes to how he wants to take “warm and salty loads” down his throat. I’ve told him I’m not into it, but he enjoys talking about it so much he can’t help himself. I thought that allowing him to live out his fantasy would help him “get over it,” so to speak, but that didn’t happen. So now we just don’t have sex except once every few months. I’m not sure how to make him see that it’s just not my thing and to get the focus back on just the two of us. Love Obsesses About Dick Sucking

If you can look at your husband and think, “Things are better than ever!” despite the dismal state of your sex life, LOADS, I hate to think what life with him used to be like. here’s not an easy fi here. f you’ve already told your husband the “warm and salty load” talk is a turn-off and made it clear it’s the reason your sex life has pretty much collapsed and nevertheless he persists with the “warm and salty load” talk, well, then your husband is telling you he would rather not have sex than have sex without talking about warm and salty loads. Now I’m assuming that you actually told him how you feel, LOADS, in clear and unambiguous terms and that you said what you needed to say emphatically. And by “emphatically,” LOADS, I mean, “repeatedly and at the top of your

lungs.” If not — if you’re doing that thing women are socialized to do, i.e. if you’re downplaying the severity of your displeasure in a misguided effort to spare your husband’s feelings — then you need to get emphatic. Sometimes it’s not enough to tell, LOADS, sometimes you have to yell. You’re obviously GGG — you’re good, giving, and game — but your husband has taken you for granted and been almost unbelievably inconsiderate. Because even if he needs to think about sucking dick to get off, LOADS, he doesn’t need to verbalize that fantasy each and every time you fuck. Even if you were into it, which you’re not, it would get tedious. And it wasn’t ust selfish of him to ignore how you felt, LOADS, it was shortsighted. Because women who are willing to let their husbands talk about wanting to suck a dick — much less suck a dick — aren’t exactly easy to come by. I guess what I’m trying to say, LOADS, is that your husband really blew it. If he hadn’t allowed this obsession to completely dominate your sex life — if he’d made some small effort to control himself — you might’ve been willing to let him act on his fantasy more than once. But as things stand now, it’s hard to see how you come back from this, LOADS, because even if he can manage to STFU about warm and salty loads long enough to fuck you, you’re going to know he’s thinking about warm and salty loads. So the most plausible solution here — assuming that you want to stay married to this guy — would be for him to go suck little dicks (once circumstances allow) while you get some decent sex elsewhere (ditto). Finally, a lot of vanilla people think — erroneously — that acting on kink will somehow get it out of a kinky person’s system. That’s not the way kinks work. Kinks are hard-wired, and kinky people wanna act on their kinks again and again for the exact same reason vanilla people wanna do vanilla things again and again: because it turns them on. Hey, Dan: I have what most peo-

ple would consider an amazing life. have two healthy kids financial security, a stable career, and a husband who is the exact partner I could ever want. I really couldn’t ask for more. I just have one issue:

So the most plausible solution here — assuming that you want to stay married to this guy — would be for him to go suck little dicks (once circumstances allow) while you get some decent sex elsewhere (ditto). My husband wants to be intimate more often than I do. We are both nearing 40, and his libido has not slowed down. I, on the other hand, due to a combination of being busy with work and us both taking care of the kids (especially during the lockdown) find myself with a decreased sexual drive. Because of all my and our) obligations find myself alternating between a state of tiredness, anxiousness or distraction, none of which get me “in the mood.” We’ve talked about the situation, and he is absolutely respectful when we do so, but he has made it clear he’s very frustrated. I think once a week is more than enough, and he could go multiple times a day. It’s to the point where he feels he s begging ust to fit some “us” time into our lives, which he says makes him feel undesirable and humiliated. There isn’t anything wrong with him that leaves me not wanting to engage in physical intimacy; we just seem to have different physical intimacy schedules, and it’s putting a serious strain on our relationship. How can we work to find a comfortable middle ground, or at the absolute least, help me explain to him why I’m not as randy as he is? Completely Lost In Tacoma You don’t need to craft an elaborate explanation, CLIT, as what’s going on here is pretty simple: Your husband has a high libido, and you have a low one.

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What you need is a reasonable accommodation. Opening up your marriage obviously isn’t an option right now, CLIT, and it might not be an option you would’ve considered even if it were possible for your hus and to find an outlet (or inlet) elsewhere. But there is something you can do. Your husband is doubtless jacking off a lot to relieve the pressure. If there’s something he enoys that you don’t find physically taxing and if he promises not to pressure you to upgrade to intercourse in the moment, then you could enhance his masturbatory routine. Does he like it when you sit on his face? Then sit on his face — you can even keep your clothes on — while he rubs one out. Does he love your tits? Let him look at them while he beats off. Is he a little kinky? It doesn’t take that long to piss on someone in the tub and it wouldn’t mean adding something to your already packed schedule, C , as you have to find time to piss anyway. It would be unreasonable of your husband to expect sex three times a day — that would be an irrational expectation even if you were childless and independently wealthy — but your husband isn’t asking you to fuck him three times a day. He wants a little more sexual activity, some erotic a rmation, and more couple time. Giving him an assist while he masturbates ticks all those boxes. That said, this will only work if your husband solemnly vows never to initiate intercourse during an assisted masturbation session. If you catch a groove and start feeling horny and wanna upgrade to intercourse, you should. But he needs to let you lead because if he starts pressuring you for sex when you’re just there to assist then you’re going to be reluctant to help him out. If he can follow that one rule, CLIT, you’ll feel more connected and you’ll probably wind up having more PIV/PIB/PIM sex — maybe twice a week instead of once a week — but it will be sex you both want.

On this week’s Savage Lovecast, yes it IS possible to be both horny and depressed. Also, hear the tale of intrepid mountain climbers, and what they can do in their harnesses: savagelovecast.com. Questions? mail@savagelove.net. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage.

MAY 6-12, 2020

RIVERFRONT TIMES

MAY 6-12, 2020

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MAY 6-12, 2020

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