San Antonio Current March 23, 2016 by Chava Communications

MARCH 23-29, 2016

SAN ANTONIO

WORLD

DIVING INTO SAN ANTONIO'S MOST PRECIOUS COMMODITY

DAY

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TEXAS

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San Antonio Current Publisher: Michael Wagner Associate Publisher: Lara Fischer

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CHRIS MAYO sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 7

IN THIS

FIRST WORDS

On “SA’s Declining Air Quality Puts the Whole City at Risk” // GloriaJean Baggot: The whole city is at risk from getting killed from all the violence going on. So I’m pretty sure the air will have to take a back seat for now. CP McNeill: I grew up in cleveland ohio where the air smells like farts and the sun is covered by pollution from the industrial age. Your air is just fine. Embrace and love it. San antonio is 100% perfect in every way. [sic] On “New Brunch Alert: Downtown Smoke Location Launches Brunch This Sunday” // Greg Cuellar: Brunch?? HAHA! Who are we, Austin? On “Pee-wee Remembers Quick Trip to SA in 1985 for Big Adventure” // Baldemar Rodriguez Jr: How is he 63?! Sixty. Three. • Send your thoughts, comments or kudos to letters@sacurrent.com

ISSUE Issue 16_12 /// March 23-29, 2016

Newsmonger Orcas are out at SeaWorld // Texans decry SCOTUS nominee // Another Spurs record

SCREENS

Cinema for the Soul The growing faith-based film scene asks, “What would Jesus watch?”

The Death of Divergent? The Divergent Series: Allegiant gets caught in a booby trap of its own making

Red, White and Bronze The Bronze is a crass blooper reel of one star’s tumble from fame

MUSIC

Sheer Magnitude Sheer Mag, capable of uniting supporters of punk and Trump Long in the Truth Billy Joe Shaver talks his latest record, Waylon and the state of songwriting Music Calendar What to see and hear this week

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CALENDAR

Our top picks for the week

ARTS + CULTURE

Meet Jenny Browne Soon she’ll be San Antonio’s poet laureate Finding Redemption Clean and sober, wrestler Jake “The Snake” Roberts reflects on his redemption path

World Water Day In honor of World Water Day, we consider SA’s water-saving techniques

NEWS

Reasons to be Pretty Beauty through a crude lens in The Playhouse’s Reasons to Be Pretty

FOOD

NIGHTLIFE

Squad Goals Brigid, Francis Bogside’s new boy band

Brews & Burgers The Rim’s got a new joint for you to hit up

Culinary Calendar 6 ways to get your drink/ grub on this week

Happy Hour Hound Checking out the changes at Mezcalería Mixtli

Flavor File More Easter brunch ideas

ETC.

Savage Love Jonesin’ Crossword Freewill Astrology This Modern World

ON THE

COVER Creatures of the sea (and those that rely on it) come together for our World Water Day cover collage. Artwork by Sarah Fox Art direction by Rick Fisher and Sarah Flood-Baumann

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NEWS

COURTESY OF SEAWORLD

NEWSMONGER Orcas Are Out at SeaWorld // Texans Decry SCOTUS Nominee // Another Spurs Record SeaWorld to Phase Out Orcas SeaWorld Entertainment Inc. announced last week that it will end its orca breeding program at all of its parks. It will also phase the whales out of theatrical shows, including in San Antonio. The orcas will live out the rest of their lives at SeaWorld. CEO Joel Manby explained that if they were released into the wild, they would probably die since most have lived all their life in captivity. “They’ll continue to receive the highestquality care, based on the latest advances in marine veterinary medicine, science and zoological best practices,” Manby said in an op-ed in the Los Angeles Times. The move garnered praise from animal advocacy groups, including the Humane Society of the United States, which called it a “game-changing” development. SeaWorld and the Humane Society formed a partnership to combat threats to marine life such as shark finning and ocean pollution. The company will spend $50 million over the next five years on the effort. Pressure to phase orcas out of SeaWorld had built since the release of the 2013 documentary Blackfish. Since then, park revenues have dropped. At the 10 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

Garland Not a GOP Hit Oh, checks and balances. President Barack Obama last week nominated Merrick Garland to the U.S. Supreme Court. Legal scholars described Garland as a fairly bland, centrist judge who’s careful about not legislating from the bench. But his nomination will nonetheless spend plenty of time in legislative branch purgatory. Senate Republicans have dug in their heels and refuse to hold a hearing on Garland, insisting that the next president should choose the late Justice Antonin Scalia’s successor (unless, of course, the next president is Hillary Clinton, in which case they may change their tune). Rightwing Texas politicos in both Austin and D.C. express the same message. “I don’t see the point of going through the motions if we know what the outcome is going to be,” Sen. John Cornyn told The New York Times. Cornyn, a member of the Judicial Committee and the Senate majority whip, previously said that any nominee for the gig would end up bearing

Checking the temperature of events in Bexar County and beyond

Spurs Top Warriors Still perfect at home

MICHAEL MARKS/@MICHAELPMARKS

San Antonio park, three animals have died in the past three months. And Tilikum, the massive 35-year-old male orca at the center of Blackfish now suffers from a bacterial infection that could take his life. The new plan for the orcas is to create “educational encounters” for park visitors to see and learn about them. The first transition to these new exhibits will take place in San Diego, followed by San Antonio and then Orlando.

BEXAR-O-METER

“some resemblance to a piñata.” Although Texas Gov. Greg Abbott stayed clear of Fiesta-themed metaphors, his statement echoed the same sentiment as Cornyn’s. “The U.S. Supreme Court and the United States is at a Constitutional tipping point. It is essential that the Supreme Court vacancy be filled with a true Constitutionalist in the form of Justice Scalia,” Abbott said in a news release. “Because this is one of the pivotal issues in the current presidential election, Americans should have the opportunity to vote for a president who will fill this vacancy.” San Antonio vs. Everybody In the all-time NBA standings, San Antonio can now call “scoreboard” against every other team in the association. After beating the Portland Trail Blazers in San Antonio last Thursday 118-110, the Spurs now have a winning record against every NBA team. The win against Portland broke a tie in their all-time series, with the Spurs taking an 80-79 lead. San Antonio is the only team in the NBA to hold such a designation (there can only be one, right?). While the Blazers have had the most success against the Spurs, the Los Angeles Clippers have struggled the most. San Antonio has won over 77 percent of its games against the Clippers, with 87 more wins than losses. mmarks@sacurrent.com

SA Chef is a James Beard Finalist Steve McHugh of Cured could win a food Oscar Jenny Browne Named New Poet Laureate There once was a poet from Texas… Wildflowers Have Bloomed Spring has sprung! Allergy Season Sigh, spring has sprung March Madness Our bracket is already busted Roger Carlos Sues City, SAPD He was paralyzed from surgery after “mistaken identity” beating Trump Can’t Be Stopped Take a long look in the mirror, GOP

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NEWS

MARK REAGAN

PROTECTING THE WORLD’S

The SAWS Dos Rios Water Recycling Center turns waste into potable water in just 24 hours.

MOST PRECIOUS RESOURCE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER

WORLD

WATER HOW SAN ANTONIO WENT FROM WATER WASTER TO A LEADER IN WATER CONSERVATION >In the 1990s, San Antonio was experiencing an explosion of growth. And its reliance on the Edwards Aquifer — then, the city’s only source of water — was threatened by a series of lawsuits alleging the Alamo City was violating the Endangered Species Act. Turns out a four-inch Texas blind salamander that is only known to live in the limestone caverns of the Edwards Aquifer near San Marcos was endangered. And the fountain darter, a small fish that lives in the headwaters of the San Marcos River; another fish called the San Marcos gambusia, which is likely extinct; Texas wild rice, also found in and around San Marcos; two beetles that are found in the Comal Springs; and the tiny Peck’s cave amphipod were also

12 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

MARK REAGAN/@210REAGAN

DAY

endangered; all living in critical environments in the Edwards Aquifer System, according to edwardsaquifer.net. At the time, San Antonio’s lust for water to sustain its growth threatened these species. Then the lawsuits started. “You know, San Antonio really got, when all the endangered species things came to a head in the ’90s, San Antonio sort of got dragged into it kicking and screaming,” said Gregg Eckhardt, San Antonio Water System (SAWS) senior analyst of production and treatment operations. Eckhardt, who has compiled a massive information dump of allthings aquifer at edwardsaquifer. net, is standing over a man-made waterfall that is cascading from the Dos Rios Water Recycling

Center into the confluence of the San Antonio and Medina rivers in the farthest reaches of southern Bexar County. “That was what precipitated everything that we do,” he said. “Everything that SAWS does, you can tie back on some level to endangered species, whether it’s recycled water, or conservation, or any of the new water sources, they are all about maintaining [and] reducing our Edwards use to maintain spring flows for our endangered species.” In addition to the Edwards Aquifer, SAWS has acquired seven other water sources over the past two decades. There are two more on the way, including a brackish groundwater desalination plant near Elmendorf that is scheduled to be operational in October, and the

> Around the same time San Antonio was grappling with a conflict between its only water source — the Edwards Aquifer — and several endangered species threatened by excessive pumping, the United Nations designated March 22 as World Water Day in 1993. There’s no doubt that the annual day devoted to water resources can get lost in the mix of National Margarita Day, or Nacho Day, or whatever day; these dedicated days are seemingly endless. But World Water Day is far more important as it’s used internationally by organizations looking to promote clean water and sustainable aquatic habitats. All across the globe, events are being held to promote clean and affordable water. While in the Alamo City, water conservation is the most pressing issue, H20-related problems affect every aspect of the environment, including resources for flora and fauna. Globally, the largest problem is water scarcity. The United Nations says that during the last century, water use has doubled the rate of population growth; by 2025, nearly 2 billion people will live in areas where water is scarce and two-thirds will live in stressed regions, National Geographic reports. But not even the U.S. is immune. Flint, Michigan, tells the story of contaminated water — a large problem for many developing countries. Just last week, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder and Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy blamed each other at a House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform hearing for being responsible for contaminating Flint’s water with lead. That happened in 2014, when the financially struggling city switched to a new water source to save money. But, again, it’s not just humans, though they’re often responsible. The environment also suffers from excess fertilizer leeching into water sources, from chemical spills and the ever-present garbage discarded by a consumeristic society. Each year, World Water Day has a different theme. This year, it aims to bring attention to millions of people who are employed in the water business who don’t have basic labor protections. Whatever the cause — it’s going to differ region to region and city to city — water is the world’s most precious resource and society must do all that it can to keep it clean for everyone, from the kids in Flint, Michigan, to the endangered whooping cranes that depend on freshwater flows in the San Antonio and Aransas Bays.

NEWS

SAWS’ Gregg Eckhardt scoops water that just left the recycling plant.

that water was flushed two days ago.” CPS also gets a good chunk of that water to cool its power plants, and it’s also used for a variety of industrial and commercial uses, including irrigation. And, like many of SAWS’ projects, the Dos Rios Water Recycling Center will be able to increase its capacity as San Antonio’s population continues to grow. But, in this case, it was sort of a happy accident. “That’s because when the plant was built, there were lots of stockyards. So it was built in a two-stage mode,” Eckhardt said. “However, by the time the plant was completed, the stockyards had gone away. So that capacity can be used for San Antonio to grow into it.”

Little Puzzle Pieces

controversial Vista Ridge Pipeline — the newest addition to SAWS’ water portfolio. And just like the ’90s, not much has changed as far as exploding populations. The city is growing and planners estimate that San Antonio will double in size with a million new residents by 2040.

Maximum Reuse The Dos Rios Water Recycling Center was the first foray into SAWS’ water source diversification efforts and today, people travel from all over the world to visit it. While the plant was completed in 1987, its importance rose with the fallout from the Endangered Species Act conflict. “We literally get visitors here from all over the world,” said Eckhardt, who rattles off examples: “South Korea, Japan, Mongolia.” And the Dos Rios Water Recycling Center lives up to its name. Nearly every aspect of the facility is sustainable or recyclable, even when it doesn’t have to do with water. For instance, a CPS Energy contractor leases land for what was once the largest solar farm in the state. Black solar panels dot the landscape. Instead of using pesticides, SAWS employees built more than 500 purple martin houses that are hot real estate for the birds who feed on the massive amount of flies that congregate during summer. Those flies are there because SAWS is selling the leftover sludge and sediment from recycled wastewater to a contractor that turns it into compost. And then there’s the methane gas. “We used to burn it off and sit there looking at those flares at midnight even, thinking, ‘Man, there’s got to be something we can do,’ but the technology wasn’t there, the markets weren’t there, and, so, time went by, and things changed, and we thought, ‘Well, let’s take another look at it,’” Eckhardt explained. By 2011, they had figured out how to capitalize on a

trend of on-site power generation across the country by using methane gas. “But, that’s kind of like, well, it’s exactly like having a jet engine in your plant, underneath a shed,” Eckhardt said. “And we were like, man, we’re sewer guys. We don’t know anything about running a jet engine.” So they decided to sell it on the open market. Now, consumers in Santa Barbara, California, use natural gas created by the waste of San Antonio’s taco eating, Big Red guzzling populace. Each year, SAWS earns $250,000 from selling the substance. And, then, of course, there’s the recycled water. In roughly 24 hours, once arriving at the facility, all the wastewater San Antonians flush down toilets is cleaned or reused by the Dos Rios Water Recycling Center. “We take out the big stuff, the sticks and the rags and the shopping carts and Volkswagens,” Eckhardt said with a smile. “Not long ago a 24-inch Once the circular saw blade washed up.” process is After the water runs through a complete, water day-long series of filters, clarifiers, cascades into biological processes and more the confluence filters and clarifiers, it’s ready for of the San its next destination. Antonio and “We’re taking some of this Medina rivers. water from the plant … [and] are pumping the water back into the city and, also, supplying the River Walk,” he said. “We release this water in Brackenridge Park and then it flows down the San Antonio River … so on a dry day … all of the water from the River Walk comes from here. And most people don’t know, when they are having dinner at Casa Rio, that most of

Roughly 20 miles southeast of the Dos Rios Water Recycling Center — down Interstate 37 through vibrant blankets of Indian paintbrush and bluebonnets, over gravel roads with rustic rural homes where farm dogs chase cars — is SAWS’ Twin Oaks Aquifer & Recovery facility, a key component of the utility’s 2012 Water Management Plan. Set in a wide swath of more than 3,000 acres that’s dotted with cattle, the Twin Oaks Aquifer & Recovery Center can provide San Antonio with up to 30 million gallons of water a day — when it’s operational. “Without this plan, we would have never made it through this four-year drought we made it through,” said Roberto Macias, manager of the Twin Oaks facility. “That was a rough drought.” That’s because aquifer recovery and storage works like a savings account by making sure SAWS pumps out all the excess water from the Edwards Aquifer, as allowable by law. The allotment is a “use it or lose it” deal, and the extra H20 is stored in the sandy Carrizo Aquifer, which can be saturated with extra water. “But instead of saving money, we’re saving something CONTINUED ON PAGE 15 ►

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NEWS

More than 500 purple martin houses help SAWS stay insect and insecticide free.

◄ CONTINUED FROM PAGE 13

more valuable, which is water,” Macias said. “And we probably won’t run until May. That’s what I heard.” The Twin Oaks Aquifer & Recovery facility is also nearing a milestone. “We’re almost at 100,000 acre feet. We’re getting pretty close. That’s the most we’ve ever had. Even when the plant opened in 2004, it was very wet those first few years. So we just stored like crazy,” Macias said. “And then the drought hit and we started running like crazy, every year. For five years we were just saving, saving, saving. The plant hardly ever ran.” While the idea of pumping excess water from the Edwards Aquifer into the Carrizo Aquifer seems straightforward, it’s not. Mixing water sources can be a disaster. “Nothing good ever happens when two different waters meet, you know, unfortunately, because San Antonio’s water is hard (Edwards) and this water here, it’s soft (Carrizo),” Macias said. That’s exactly what happened in Flint, Michigan, where lead tainted the struggling city’s water, causing disastrous health problems because of lead poisoning. “Before [Flint mixed water sources] there was no problem because they had a scale build-up and it kept all the scale and the lead and all that in the pipe. But as soon as they brought in that different

water, it released everything, and then there was a nightmare,” Macias said. “So that’s why we do not ever want to bring in a different type of water. You don’t have to make it exactly like Edwards, but at least compatible.” SAWS does this by adding lime and carbon dioxide to make it compatible with hard Edwards water, and the utility removes trace amounts of iron and manganese through aeration via a stadium-standlike, stair-stepped structure that the water cascades down, removing these minerals. If the iron and manganese were in the water, everybody’s T-shirts would be red or pink or black, he explains. SAWS’ latest facility to look deep underground for water conservation purposes is also on this property. Set to open in October, the brackish groundwater desalination plant will be able to pump 10 million gallons of water per day to the Alamo City with two more expansion phases planned for completion in 2021 and 2026. Once complete, that facility will provide San Antonio with 30 million gallons of water a day. However, SAWS produces an average of 210 million gallons a day, so it’s just another drop in the bucket. But that’s the point. With city and business leaders touting an estimate of more than a million people moving to San Antonio by 2040, every drop counts. “We’re just … a small piece of the puzzle,” Macias said of the Twin Oaks Aquifer Storage & Recovery plant. “The Edwards is still the major source of water, but 20, 30 years ago, it was the only source of water. “We didn’t have any other choices. But little by little, we’ve been weaning ourselves from having to rely on the Edwards. So there’s a lot of little pieces in the puzzle.” And San Antonians should thank the Texas blind salamander and co. for that, because without those critters, the Alamo City might have drained the aquifer, sending the city into a waterless spiral of problems. Instead, SAWS is now a world leader in water conservation.

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CALENDAR

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32nd Annual Student Art Exhibition ART

In its 32nd consecutive year, the UTSA Student Art Exhibition is a juried competition with works by undergraduate and graduate students. Boasting a wide spectrum of themes and just about every medium you could imagine, from tried and true brush, pen and pencil work to cuttingedge adventures in digital video and photography, the exhibit is a fine chance to see how university art students in San Antonio are shaping, and being shaped by, the creative process. This year’s competition will be judged by artist and Texas State University art professor Joey Fauerso. Free, 6-8pm, UTSA Art Gallery, One UTSA Circle, (210) 4584391, art.utsa.edu. — James Courtney

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THU-SAT

24-26

SouthXSouthtown MUSIC

Southtown 101 and R Gallery bring their own brand of San Anto spirit to the endless riffing on SXSW with the SouthXSouthtown exhibition and concert series. While the exhibition has been up since March 4, and features works by local artists Megan Solis, Amada Miller and Alyssa Danna, among others, the concert series kicks off this week. And the 20-band lineup is puro 210, featuring classic oldies (Los #3 Dinners), indigenous punk-rap (Los Nahuatlatos), doom jazz (Royal Punisher), art pop (Buttercup), one-man disco (Henry + the Invisibles, pictured) and much more. $15$30, 6pm Thu-Fri, 1pm Sat, Southtown 101, 101 Pereida St., (210) 263-9880, southxsouthtown.ticketleap.com. — JC

FRI

Piñata Protest/Freetail Beer Release Party SPECIAL EVENT

Returning for a second year, Freetail Brewing Company’s spring brew is a Belgian-style red witbier with a heavy kick of ancho chile, lime juice and salt — Old World flavors getting their asses handed to them by the new. Naturally, when looking for a mascot to rep this cross-cultural pour, the San Anto brewery turned to Piñata Protest, the hometown tejano punks that need no introduction. Ten years into their career, the bordererasing band is as vibrant as ever, thanks to the whirling talent of frontman/ accordionist/trumpeter Alvaro del Norte. With Grupo Frackaso, Phantom Rockers, Mexican Elvis. $5, 8pm, Paper Tiger, 2410 N. St. Mary’s St., papertigersa.com. — Matt Stieb

FRI

Black Smurf MUSIC

In the crime drama Paid in Full, Mekhi Phifer, donning a turtleneck and gold chain, looks wistfully off-camera and lays out his career choice — “I love the game. I love the hustle, man.” Memphis trap mastermind Black Smurf shares a similar mindset, opening his video for “Stay Focused” with that quote and posting otherworldly trap to his SoundCloud at an astonishing pace. Like the best of Southern rap, Smurf aims for style and essence over lyrical acumen. This is music to be played loud at the gas station, with bass knocking snacks and blunt wraps onto the aisle floor. With Jeffery, Ma$$ie, PMG and more. $15-$20, 7pm, The Korova, 107 E. Martin St., (210) 226-5070, thekorova.com. — MS

CALENDAR

ROY BEUSKER

FRI

CAM Closing Party SPECIAL EVENT

A festive culmination of an artfilled March, the CAM Closing Party rallies San Antonio creatives for a laid-back celebration in the quaint urban oasis of CHRISpark. Complete with complimentary beer and wine, Italian grub for purchase from Big Guido’s food truck, beats by DJ Armando Estrada and works on view from the Spare Parts Mini Art Museum, the celebration rewards CAM’s greatest hits via the CAMMIE Awards. Encompassing seven categories, the awards are determined by popular vote, with the online pole closing Wednesday at midnight. $10 suggested donation (includes one food ticket), 7-10pm, CHRISpark, 111 Camp St., (210) 2266663, contemporaryartmonth.com. — Bryan Rindfuss

SAT

Sandra Cisneros WORDS

Oh, Sandra. Since you moved away, Southtown’s not the same without the omnipresent thrill of maybe running into you around a corner. Like poetry itself, your presence is a breeze of bright mystery and zany possibility. The internationally regarded and locally idolized writer Sandra Cisneros will treat San Antonians to a free public reading, Q&A session and book signing as part of Gemini Ink’s Autograph Series. Cisneros, who founded the Macondo Writers’ Workshop, now administered by Guadalupe Cultural Arts Center, has long been a local beacon of imaginative literary light. Free, 7pm, Palo Alto College Performing Arts Center, 1400 W. Villaret Blvd., (210) 734-9673, geminiink.org. — JC

MON

Saturday Night Fever: The Musical THEATER

When British rock journalist Nik Cohn was tasked with writing about a U.S. disco scene he knew nothing about, he did the only thing he could think of at the time: He made it up. Little did he know, that piece of faux nonfiction would shake generations to come. Based on the 1977 film Cohn’s article inspired, Saturday Night Fever: The Musical follows the nogood reality of Brooklynite Tony Manero and his disco escapades. Directed by Jeffrey B. Moss, the musicalized version notably forgoes some of the film’s darker elements — namely drug use and violence. $27.50-$89.50, 7:30pm, Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 100 Auditorium Circle, (210) 223-8624, tobincenter.org. — Murphi Cook

TUE

Diversity and Inclusion in the Arts TALKS PLUS

In what seems to be cause for optimism among the local arts and culture crowd, the folks at Contemporary Art Month (CAM) — in conjunction with SA2020 Talks, Guadalupe Cultural Arts Center (GCAC) and the City of San Antonio’s Diversity and Inclusion Office — will take part in a solutions-oriented panel discussion on diversity and inclusion in the arts. Coming on the heels of recent tension in this area — readers will recall the GCAC pulling out of the CAM Perennial, citing lack of diversity — this seems like a great opportunity for dialogue on all sides and input from the broader community. Free, 5-7pm, The Playhouse, 800 W. Ashby Pl., (210) 733-7258, sa2020.org. — JC

sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 19

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20 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

CALENDAR NIGHTLIFE

WED

Spurs vs. Heat

THU

Art

Art opening: “All Hands on Deck” Robert Tatum’s Choice Goods Gallery unveils a group show comprising 50 skateboard decks repurposed by 40 artists — Regina Morales, James Cobb, Gary Sweeney, Justin Parr, Shek Vega and Ed Saavedra among them. At Thursday’s opening reception: live music by the Gay Sportscasters and 4Foxache, plus an afterparty ($3) from 9pm-midnight. Free, 7-9pm Thursday; Choice Goods Gallery, 108B Blue Star, (210) 858-2361.

Art opening: “Fibers of Design”

Carol Cunningham curates large-scale weavings, paper sculptures and works on paper by artists Amada Miller (San Antonio), Delaney Smith (Houston) and Meghan Shimek (San Francisco). Free, 11am-1pm (artist talk at noon); Northwest Vista College, Palmetto Center for the Arts, Lobby Art Gallery, 3535 N. Ellison Drive, (210) 486-4000.

Art opening: La Villita Artist Collective

Galleries, art studios and shops open their doors for a day of exhibits, live demos (from painting and glass to leather and metal), live music and dancing. Free, 1-5pm Saturday; La Villita, 418 Villita, (210) 207-8614.

Art opening: “This Is What It Feels Like” Local artists Braydon Gold and

Raul Gonzalez express personal struggles and complex sentiments through abstracted paintings. Free, 6-9pm Friday; Radius, 106 Auditorium Circle, (210) 227-8111.

“Small Scale: Big Change” Final Auction Night SAY Sí’s month-long

GETTY IMAGES

Just two summers ago, the marquee matchup in the NBA was Spurs versus Heat. Since King James relocated to the Midwest, San Antonio has soldiered on — thanks to some key free agency acquisitions — while Miami has merely survived. After the unexpected emergence of Joe Johnson and Josh Richardson, things are looking brighter in South Beach and the Heat are right in the middle of the Eastern Conference post-season pecking order. Center Hassan Whiteside has been putting up solid numbers and swingman Richardson could be another diamond in the rough for Pat Riley. With home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs within reach, expect Whiteside and the Heat to challenge LaMarcus Aldridge in the paint. $40$1,952, 7:30pm, AT&T Center, One AT&T Center Pkwy., (210) 444-5000, attcenter.com. — M. Solis

fundraiser encompasses more than 200 wide-ranging, small-scale works — all up for auction in support of the creative youth development organization’s tuition-free programs. $60-$75, 7-10:30pm Friday; SAY Sí, 1518 S. Alamo St., (210) 212-8666.

“Under the Night Sky” Vapure hosts

an outdoor market with more than a dozen artists and vendors, plus live art by Paul Garson and Evil Dave, live music by Dylan Alley, Cooper Greenberg and Noah Benjamin and “special guest appearances” by Mocha the poodle and Hank the pug. Free, 8pm-2am Saturday; Vapure E-Hookah Lounge, 5431 Grissom Road, (210) 455-8568.

Film

Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner Curated by

actor and artist Michael Horse (best known for his role as Deputy Hawk on Twin Peaks), the Briscoe’s Native Film Series continues with a screening of Zacharias Kunuk’s Canadian epic Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner. Considered the first feature film ever to be written, directed and acted entirely in Inuktitut, the 2001 release is set in the ancient past and surrounds a tribal chief’s son who plots revenge against the man who steals the heart of the woman he was to marry. Free, 5:30pm Tuesday; Briscoe Western Art Museum, 210 W. Market St., (210) 299-4499.

“War and Peace (1942-1954)” A&M-

San Antonio Library hosts a free screening of the third episode of the award-winning PBS documentary series Latino Americans. Exploring WWII as a watershed event for Latino Americans,

‘Straight from Mexico City’

Having previously delivered diverse exhibitions shipped “Straight from Berlin” and “Straight from Spain,” Olmos Park’s RuizHealy Art engages in an artistic exchange with Galería Karen Huber for “Straight from Mexico City.” Organized by curator and critic Octavio Avendaño Trujillo, the group show brings together artists Eugenia Martínez (Mexico), Kanako Namura (Japan), Manuel Solano (Mexico) and Rafael Uriegas (Spain) to collectively question “the cultural context of our time and the history of painting itself with a critical construction of identity set forth in a pictorial practice.” As part of the exchange, Galería Karen Huber will exhibit works by four artists from Ruiz-Healy’s stellar roster (Nate Cassie, Constance Lowe, Cecilia Biagini and Jesse Amado) in June. Free, 6-8pm, Ruiz-Healy Art, 201 E. Olmos Drive, (210) 8042219, ruizhealyart.com. — Bryan Rindfuss

the episode covers the contributions of Marine Corp legend Guy Gabaldon and South Texas doctor/civil right activist Hector Garcia while also touching on continued discrimination and racially charged riots in Southern California. A panel discussion follows the screening and the exhibit “Images of Valor: U.S. Latinos and Latinas in World War II” will be on display. Free, 5-7pm Wednesday; Texas A&M University-San Antonio, Patriots’ Casa, Room 109, One University Way, (210) 784-1500.

Run Free: The True Story of Caballo Blanco Rockhoppers running club

presents a one-time screening of Sterling Noren’s feature-length documentary about running legend Micah True (aka Caballo Blanco) and his quest to create an ultra marathon in Mexico’s Copper Canyon to promote and preserve Tarahumara running tradition. $12 in advance from imathlete.com/events/ runfree), $15 at the door, 7pm Tuesday; Santikos Bijou, 4522 Fredericksburg Road, (603) 209-5010.

Theater

8X8 Cabaret du Jump Perfect for drama buffs with short attention spans, JumpStart’s new four-night cabaret brings together a changing lineup of dancers, poets, performance artists, monologists and musicians to present eight-minute performances in an 8-foot cube. $8, 8pm Friday-Saturday; Jump-Start Performance Co., 710 Fredericksburg Road, (210) 227-5867.

Celtic Nights Irish singers, dancers,

musicians and actors present an evening

of music and dance inspired by “an epic story of a small nation seeking out Liberty and Independence.” $28.50-$56.60, 7:30pm Thursday; Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 100 Auditorium Circle, (210) 223-8624.

Mark Twain Tonight! Recreating the one-

man show he starred in on Broadway, Hal Holbrook portrays Mark Twain as a 70-yearold humorist who skewers politicians, newspapermen and so-called patriots. $29$110, 7:30pm Thursday; Trinity University, Laurie Auditorium, 715 Stadium Drive, (210) 226-2891.

Special Events

Bevello 2016 Spring Fashion Show

Women’s fashion boutique Bevello presents a fashion show highlighting spring trends, including peasant-style silhouettes, bold florals, suede, pleating and fringe, plus color trends that “transcend cultural and gender norms.” Free, 7-9pm Wednesday; Bevello, 330 E. Basse Road, (210) 334-0320.

Breakfast with the Mayor Mayor Ivy R.

Taylor provides updates on the City of San Antonio at this breakfast event organized by San Antonio for Growth on the Eastside (SAGE). $30, 7:45am (doors at 7:15am) Monday; The Depot at Sunset Station, 1174 E. Commerce St., (210) 248-9178.

“Eggnormous” Easter Egg Hunt & Family Fair Summit Christian Center’s

two-day Easter celebration promises a hunt for 25,000 Easter eggs, plus a petting zoo, carousel rides, food trucks and photo ops with the Easter bunny. Free, 6:30-8:30pm Saturday, 10am-2pm Sunday; Summit Christian Center, 2575 Marshall Road, (210) 402-0565.

Fitness on the Plaza JoyRide Cycling sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 21

RYAN STOUT Comedy Central, Conan, MTV, SXSW, HBO’s Funny As Hell March 23rd - 26th

Coming Soon

NIKKI GLASER Not Safe with Nikki Glaser on Comedy Central April 8 & 9

GODFREY Zoolander, 30 Rock April 22-23

BRENT MORIN NBC’s Undateable May 13-15

AIDA RODRIGUEZ NBC’s Last Comic Standing, Fuse TV’s Stand-Up and Deliver March 23rd - 26th

MARCH 31 - AT&T CENTER 22 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

23 CALENDAR

Studio pops up on the Tobin’s River Walk Plaza for a free one-hour circuitstyle workout. Free, 10-11am Saturday; Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 100 Auditorium Circle, (210) 228-0797.

Mr. and Miss Gay Alamo City For Life Pageant Contestants compete for the

titles of Mr. and Miss Gay Alamo City for Life in categories ranging from HighFashion Cowgirl and Urban Cowboy to Evening Gown and Onstage Q&A. Free ($40 to compete), 10pm-2am Thursday; Bonham Exchange, 411 Bonham St., (210) 224-9219.

San Antonio Mini Maker Faire Tech

enthusiasts, crafters, educators, tinkerers, hobbyists, engineers, science clubs, authors, artists, students and commercial exhibitors share DIY projects and practices at this second annual event encouraging attendees to “make, create, learn, invent, play and be inspired.” Free, 11am-4pm Saturday; Central Library, 600 Soledad St., (210) 207-2500.

Southwest School of Art Benefit Wine Auction NBA All-Star and wine

connoisseur Sean Elliott serves as the celebrity auctioneer for live and silent auctions focusing on unique vintages and other luxury prizes, with proceeds benefiting the Southwest School of Art’s BFA scholarship fund. $150 per person, $275 per couple, 6:30-11pm Thursday; Southwest School of Art, Coates Chapel, 300 Augusta St., (210) 224-1848.

The Art of Wrestling In conjunction

with Contemporary Art Month, Pro Wrestling International presents an “extraordinary showcase of brawn and wit” starring seasoned freestyle wrestlers from across Texas. $6-$10, 7pm-1am Saturday; Brick, 108 Blue Star, (210) 262-8653.

Talks Plus

Neuroscience of the Unconscious The

Mind Science Foundation welcomes Dr. Heather Berlin for a lecture and Q&A session highlighting new research examining the neurocircuitry of improvisation, including aspects of the creative process that are governed by conscious versus unconscious processes, and the distinctive signature of brain activation that underlies an artist’s improvised performance. $5-$20, 6:30pm Tuesday; Pearl Stable, 312 Pearl Pkwy., (210) 821-6199.

Submission, Sex, and Sinraptors: The Evangelical Adam as Alpha Male in American Popular Culture As part of

Trinity’s Lennox Lecture Series, Depauw University professor Valarie Ziegler explores various ways — including erotic spanking and Bibles depicting dinosaurs romping with Adam and Eve — conservative evangelicals have tried to recreate American society in their image of Eden. Free, 6pm Thursday; Trinity University, Stieren Theater, One Trinity Pl., (210) 999-8461.

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Texas Women of Influence Panel Discussion Texas Public Radio

personality Eileen Pace moderates this discussion with Mayor Ivy R. Taylor and local female leaders Hope Andrade (VIA Trustee and former Texas Secretary of State), Dr. Cynthia Teniente-Matson (president of Texas A&M–San Antonio) and Terri Williams (director of the UTSA Institute for Economic Development Small Business Development Center). Free, 6:30pm Tuesday; Central Library Auditorium, 600 Soledad St., (210) 207-2500.

The Power of this Bridge: A Plática with Cherríe Moraga For the first

time in a decade, feminist, writer and activist Cherríe Moraga is returning to San Antonio for a plática celebrating the publication of the fourth edition of This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color. Sponsored by the Esperanza Peace & Justice Center and LULAC Orgullo de San Antonio, there will be a pre-program musical performance by El Tallercito de Son; a presentation by Moraga; testimonies to the impact of the collection by community members; and a panel discussion between Moraga, Chicana historian Antonia I. Castañeda and Esperanza Peace & Justice Center director Graciela I. Sanchez. Free, 7pm Saturday; Esperanza Peace & Justice Center, 922 San Pedro Ave., (210) 2280201.

TREEmendous Family Fun International Tree Climbing Championship (ITCC) Arbor Fair and Arbor Expo

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• • • • • •

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For a detailed event schedule visit: www.itcc-isa.com/itcc sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 23

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24 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

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ARTS + CULTURE

SCOTT MARTIN

MEET JENNY BROWNE Writer, wanderer and former La Tuna bartender is SA’s new poet laureate

MICHAEL MARKS/@MICHAELPMARKS

Jenny Browne moved to San Antonio on New Year’s Day, 1997, the same day another Texas poet, singer-songwriter Townes Van Zandt, died. She thought she’d spend a year in the city, then move on. But fast forward about 20 years, and Browne is still here — writing, teaching at Trinity University, diving deep into different community initiatives and, soon, acting as San Antonio’s official poet. The City of San Antonio announced on March 14 that Browne would be the city’s poet laureate for 2016-2018, following Carmen Tafolla and Laurie Ann Guerrero. Browne spoke with the San Antonio Current last week via phone about her new gig and how San Antonio finds its way into her writing. She was in far West Texas, spending Spring Break amid the mountains and rivers of the border and painting ocotillos in watercolor. This interview has been edited for clarity and length, and a longer version appears online at sacurrent.com.

also interesting then to think about how that practice ... can be turned outward. I’m interested in thinking about and finding ways for other poets and people who maybe don’t even think of themselves as poets, to focus their attention and their language on what their specific relationship is to the environment of San Antonio. … I’m kind of interested in how we might incorporate poetry into the built environment. In this role, do you see yourself as more of an ambassador for the city or an interpreter of the city? My understanding is that I’m both. I am both expected to speak for the city in an official capacity as the city’s poet, but also something of an interpreter in that, hopefully, finding ways to use poetry to make evident other voices in the city, be they young people, be they other poets.

Was this opportunity on your radar? Was it something you expected, or did it pop out of the blue? Over the years people have asked if they could nominate me. I actually said “no,” [in years past] in part because … I wasn’t sure that I would be a good person. I think of this idea of a “laureate,” maybe I thought I needed to be older. It sounded sort of statesperson-like. … I feel like it’s important and I wanted to be be able to commit myself and my energies to it, so this year when several people asked, I said “OK, sure.”... A number of people said to me, “The stuff that you’ve been doing in San Antonio for 20 years now is what this is.” Educating people, doing events surrounding poetry.

What are the physical places in San Antonio that your mind is drawn to during the writing process, or where you’re most prolific? I walk the Mission Reach of the river every day. Sometimes twice a day. And for me, that place is sort of emblematic of the questions I’m asking because it is a natural river. … But it is also right up juxtaposed against the commercial life of San Antonio, the history of San Antonio. ... I’m interested in poems that have lots of registers and lots of juxtapositions, because that’s how I experience the world. I guess I just don’t buy the sort of bucolic, romantic, capital “R” anymore of the natural world as a symbol for my musings. I’m actually interested in kind of naming the world, as precisely and honestly as I can, what the world actually looks like right now.

When you think about how you would like to use this position, is there anything that springs to mind right off the bat? In my own poetry practice, I’ve been getting up every day before the sun for 20 years trying to say something. Trying to make sense of my own experience. So it’s

Using that technique to draw out material, is that something you’ve done habitually or something you’ve developed over time? I have always found that my best thinking happens when I’m walking. And therefore I think my best writing happens, even if I’m not writing, when I’m walking. ... I

don’t think it’s an accident. I do think that poetry, I tell my students, is the one kind of literature where how you say something is as important as what you say. … One thing we all have in common is we’re living in these human bodies that are going to die. Whatever our experience is, our ethnicity, whatever our background is, we are all living in these bodies. I think that a poem has to start by saying something true about the complexity of being a living human in a changing world. At least that’s the poetry I’m most interested in. How long have you been in San Antonio? I moved to San Antonio on New Year’s Day in 1997…. I came here for what I thought was going to be one year, and I was working for the YWCA kind of doing community development work. I was interested in that kind of thing. As happens, I met a guy. ... And then I started working at La Tuna and the Current. I still feel like I got this really great opportunity by getting to call up people who I thought were interesting for the Current and to serve beer behind the bar at La Tuna. Because you have to be a good listener also to be a poet. And I think I learned to listen to a whole range of interesting people.

How do those experiences color your work? Can you see traces of that former life in what you’re doing now? Well, yeah. I think that poetry runs the risk of being kind of rarefied. ... I’ve always been interested in writing poems that could be accessible to the range of people that my life put me in contact with. Whether it’s my uncles who are still farmers back in Indiana, or the guys who were sitting at the bar at La Tuna. Do you see part of this job as an opportunity to chip away that “rarefied” veneer and try to bring more people to poetry? I think so. I think that people are scared, too, by poetry. And sometimes they have reason to be. There’s a really destructive school of teaching poetry that suggests that if you’re not smart enough to figure out the hidden meaning of this maze, then poetry’s not for you. And I would wholly disagree with that orientation on poems. I do think it is part of my job to both introduce people to the mystery of poetry, but also demystify it. ... It doesn’t need to be this puzzle. So I hope to help people understand that whatever you find in a poem is what you need to find. mmarks@sacurrent.com sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 25

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ARTS + CULTURE

FINDING REDEMPTION

LARRY BUSCCA

•

Jake "The Snake" Roberts is sober and coming to San Antonio.

With his dark past behind him, Jake the Snake looks forward to the rest of his life KIKO MARTÍNEZ

Clean and sober for the last four years, retired professional wrestler Jake "The Snake" Roberts, who was on the brink of death before friend and former protégé Diamond Dallas Page put him on a path to recovery, is now sharing his story of redemption with his fans. On March 29, Roberts will bring his UnSpoken Word tour to the Improv Comedy Club to talk to the audience about his career in the ring and the demons he has had to defeat to survive an unstable life. Many of his past problems have been detailed in the documentaries Beyond the Mat (1999) and last year’s The Resurrection of Jake The Snake Roberts. During a phone interview with the San Antonio Current last week, Roberts, 60, spoke about what has motivated him to tell his story on stage, suffering through what he calls his “darkest hours,” and reveals something about his relationship with snakes his fans might not believe, since he carried one to the wrestling ring for over 20 years. Talk about the UnSpoken Word tour. I’m taking a lap down memory lane, man. I talk about funny and crazy stuff that happened on the road and in the locker room and in the ring, too. There was always something funny going on. There were so many characters I worked with – Hacksaw Jim Duggan, the Macho Man, Rick Rude. I’m just talking about how it all happened. It’s going to be a lot of fun. What inspired you to want to go on stage in the first place? I saw Mick Foley (“Mankind”) was doing it. He was doing more of a stand-up thing. You sit around and tell stories and everyone enjoys them. For some reason, I have a knack at storytelling. I’ve always done well with interviews and things like that. People seem to be drawn to it. I know that fans really want to know what goes on outside the scope of what they see. How much do you go into your past problems during this show? I do take about 15 minutes or so and talk about drug and alcohol addiction. I feel drawn to do that. I know there are a lot of people out there suffering as much as I was. Maybe they just need to hear it from somebody like me to get them over the hump and do something about it.

What did you think of The Resurrection of Jake the Snake Roberts? It’s painful to watch. Nobody wants to see themselves in their darkest hours, looking like that and feeling like that and remembering how hopeless you were. For so many years I was so desperate, not knowing what I wanted or what to do next. Looking back, I can’t figure out why I got like that and how I let myself go. But I’m a different person now. My life is so grand. I’ve got a book coming out in the next few months and a few other things in the works. I’m a busy old dog. What kind of grandpa is Jake the Snake? The best, man. I am the coolest grandpa ever, man. How many grandfathers do you know with the name “the Snake?” Do you have a pet snake now? I don’t, man. I don’t like snakes. I never did. It just goes to show what a performer and liar I was.

When is the last time you gave someone a DDT (Roberts’ signature wrestling move)? Oh, it’s been a while, bud. It’s been a couple of years. I just had hip surgery about three months ago, so I don’t know if I’ll be DDTing anybody anytime soon.

Donald Trump wrestled a few years ago in the WWE. Maybe him? You know, after watching that crap they put on television, the last [Republican] debate, I’m Jake “The Snake” ashamed to say those are our candidates. The way Roberts those men acted and held themselves and the way $22.50-$40.00 8pm, Tue Mar 29 they tried to get their points across, oh my God. Improv Comedy Club This is one horserace I think a jackass may win. 849 E. Commerce For our full interview with Jake the Snake, visit (210) 229-1420 rivercentercomedyclub.com sacurrent.com. sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 27

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DON’T JUDGE A SHNOOK BY HIS LOVER

Low blows and blue-collar breakups in Reasons to Be Pretty

STEVEN G. KELLMAN

Breaking up is, according to break room of the warehouse where the old Neil Sedaka song, hard Greg and Kent work. Carly is a security to do, but in the opening scene guard, and Steph a hairdresser. of Neil LaBute’s 2008 play Reasons to These are working-class folks whose Be Pretty, Steph breaks up with Greg cultural markers are 7-Eleven and in spectacular fashion. “You’re like an TV Guide and who stumble over Eddie Murphy concert,” Greg complains, arcane words such as skillet and as Steph assails him with a fusillade of abstruse. Greg does not know what rude and crude expletives. Later in the Skyping is. Ty Mylnar plays Greg as a play, as baiting escalates into blows, likeable goofball, and it is his gradual Greg breaks up with his best buddy transformation that is the engine of Kent. “Why does guy shit always gotta the play. A victim of appearances and end up like this?” asks Greg. of overvaluing appearances, Greg After four years together, Steph eventually resolves to take control splits with Greg because Kent’s wife of his life. Determined to go back to Carly overheard him disparage Steph’s school, he declares: “I can’t pack good looks. In comparison to the boxes all my life.” hot young babe Kent was salivating As Steph, the versatile Laura over, Greg described Steph as “just Michelle Hoadley undergoes a physical regular,” though he hastened to add transformation, from the haggard harpy that he loved her anyway. In the bluein the opening scene to a spurned vamp collar macho world of LaBute’s play, at the end. Like Ashley Greene’s Carly men will be boys, and appearances and Nathan Thurman’s Kent, she keeps matter. To finalize her rejection of Greg, her faith in the beauty myth. “Don’t I Carly provides a comic version of what want to be with somebody that finds me poets call a blazon — an inventory of beautiful?” she asks. Under the direction his body parts, but emphasizing their of David Rinear, the four-member cast repulsiveness. Later, Kent animates a narrow world of provides a more traditional posturing and preening. The Reasons to Be Pretty blazon, a catalog of the audience is placed in a posture luscious features of the woman $12-$30 of moral superiority toward 8pm Fri-Sat, 3pm Sun he is two-timing Carly with. those trapped in that world. The Playhouse When pulchritude counts for We know better than to judge Cellar Theater 800 W. Ashby Pl. everything, there are reasons a shnook by his lover. But, then, (210) 733-7258 to be pretty. we knew that even before we theplayhousesa.org Several scenes are set in the Through April 10 saw the play.

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SCREENS

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A still from Christopher Columbus’ upcoming film The Young Messiah. // The Christian film industry is banking on the rising tide of faith-based films sweeping viewers away.

CINEMA FOR THE SOUL

Faith-based films are more popular than ever and studios, theaters are taking notice KIKO MARTÍNEZ

They’re not overtaking movie theaters like swarms of locusts just yet, but faith-based films that have hit the big screen in recent years have come in droves. In the next couple of weeks, the subgenre will continue to maintain its strong presence in the industry with the theatrical release of two new movies: Miracles from Heaven (March 16) and God’s Not Dead 2 (April 1). With other faith-based films like Risen and The Young Messiah already playing at theaters, there’s no end in sight for the upsurge in spiritual cinema. While none of the films listed above will reach the blockbuster status of director Mel Gibson’s 2004 drama The Passion of the Christ ($611 million worldwide), major film distributors, including Columbia Pictures, Focus Features, TriStar Pictures, 20th Century Fox and others, are staking a major claim in what has turned out to be a profitable moviemaking venture. According to boxofficemojo.com, the five topgrossing Christian theatrical releases over the last two years (Heaven is For Real, War Room, God’s Not Dead, Son of God and When the Game Stands Tall) made an average of $65 million worldwide and only cost an average of $11 million to produce. Hell, even Kirk Cameron’s unholy cinematic abomination Saving Christmas turned a profit in 2014. Bottom line: faithbased movies are cheap to make and, more importantly, come with a built-in audience. That’s not, however, the only reason these films are finding success. Miracles from Heaven director Patricia Riggen says certain audiences are simply yearning for movies with more wholesome qualities. “There are a lot of movies that just don’t communicate anything to the audience and don’t make you grow into a better person,” Riggen told the San Antonio Current. “I think people really want to have an option to see things that are inspirational and that you can take your kids to see.” Oscar-nominated producer Chris Columbus (The Help), who is best known for directing such modern family classics as Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire, says the fact that his new film The Young Messiah is a religious one did not factor into his decision to produce it. He just wanted to make a good movie.

“When I get involved in any project, for me, it’s about the story,” Columbus told the Current. “Is it something that will engage audiences? Is it emotionally complex? For me, it was an opportunity to tell a particular side of Jesus’ life we haven’t seen on screen before. I found it fascinating.” Local movie theater chain Santikos doesn’t think moviegoers’ fascination will fade anytime soon. The company is investing time and money into marketing these motion pictures. According to David Holmes, CEO of Santikos Enterprises, the theater chain has a long history of reaching out to faith-based audiences. “In the past, we have called churches and passed out flyers to them announcing upcoming faith-based films,” Holmes said. “This year, we are utilizing new technology [that] allows us to send targeted emails based on a person’s level of interest in these films.” Holmes adds that Santikos also works with local churches to set up private screenings and has a dedicated events team for faith-based films. Santikos even goes as far as pre-screening movies for pastors so they can see if the film’s message corresponds with the church’s doctrine. “The overall reception has been very positive,”

Holmes said. “Most guests want to be inspired while watching a film. A faith-based film can do that for a congregation. We are happy to provide a medium to this audience in San Antonio.” Isaura Moreno is one San Antonian who enjoys watching the latest religious-themed movies. A kindergarten teacher at Judson ISD and teen youth minister at St. Thomas More Catholic Church, Moreno likes all kinds of films but thinks theater patrons could use a little less sex, drugs and violence. “It’s rare to find a movie that has a good message and is entertaining,” Moreno said. “I think a lot of regular movies often contribute to the way society is now. They’re desensitizing the way people look at the world.” sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 31

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32 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

SCREENS

MURRAY CLOSE

THE DEATH OF DIVERGENT?

VINTAGE • ARTISAN CRAFTED • ESTATE

•

The Divergent Series hits a stumbling block with Allegiant

“There’s a plot hole somewhere in our midst."

MARYANN JOHANSON

I’ve been onboard with the dystopian adventures of Tris Prior (Shailene Woodley) in her post-apocalyptic future Chicago, but this third outing is a disappointing downfall from the first two films. Here, in Allegiant, the reasons for the apparently precarious foundations of her existence are revealed, the metaphor suddenly fails as a metaphor and the concrete reality it is replaced by is far less intriguing. Classified as dangerously “Divergent” in a society where almost everyone is easily slotted into five “Factions,” Tris had – in the first two films, Divergent and Insurgent – been leading a fight in Chicago to regain control from a ruthless leader who was cracking down on Divergents and the rogue Factionless. That culminated with the revelation that Chicago was, in fact, the site of a grand experiment, that the rise of Divergents meant the experiment had been a success, and that the people of Chicago were welcome to rejoin the rest of humanity outside the wall that has contained them. This is the big decision to be made as Allegiant opens: Shall they go out to meet the people who have been experimenting on them, and, if so, how can such people ever be trusted? However, Factionless leader Evelyn (Naomi Watts), who is effectively in control of the city and inciting mob hatred against the defeated Erudite Faction, has pushed Chicago to the brink of total civil war. So off go Tris, her boyfriend and lieutenant Four (Theo James) and a handful of others, over the wall and through a blasted and inhospitable hell-scape to see what, and who, is out there. The small pleasures of receiving

answers to the mysteries of Tris’ world are instantly overwhelmed by the practical considerations of what those answers bring ... and those aren’t, alas, further questions and more intriguing mysteries, just accidental conundrums of plot and character that smarter scripting and a more cohesively considered science-fiction culturescape could have avoided. There is one huge plot hole here that brings the entire story crumbling down into its obviousness, one that will echo through the whole rest of the film: Why didn’t those experimenters just do X? Between that plot hole and the loss of the metaphor about conformity that has informed Tris’ journey up to now, all we’re left with – if we want to find anything of substance and meaning in Allegiant – is a weak and barely acknowledged philosophical clash between Tris’ young and eager idealism and the messy, complicated reality she discovers beyond the wall. But even that quickly gives way to the dullest sort of black-and-white, goodversus-evil battle that throws away the potentially complex concepts it had been playing with and reverts to a simplistic box-checking exercise in action filmmaking. The ending is so foregone as to be anticlimactic ... and there’s still another movie to wade through.

The Divergent Series: Allegiant (PG-13) 121 min. Dir. Robert Schwentke; writ. Noah Oppenheim, Adam Cooper, Bill Collage, Stephen Chbosky; feat. Shailene Woodley, Theo James, Jeff Daniels, Naomi Watts Opened nationwide Friday, March 18

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SCREENS

RED, WHITE AND BRONZE The Bronze is bratty, crass, irreverent and totally American

TRAVIS BUFFKIN | @DTBUFFKIN

cant

Wed. March 23rd

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TIFFANY LAUFER

•

Blowing prude minds right out of their tight assholes

“I’ll fuck with whoever I want, whenever I want. I’ll fuck with them sooo hard I’ll rip their taints in half. Then, I’ll wear one part of the taint in a locket, around my neck. Give the other half of the taint-locket to your mom … To shove up her ass.” And there you have it, the vulgar appeal of Hope Ann Greggory (Melissa Rauch), the pint-sized ex-gymnast with a mouth to make the most vile sailor blush. Hope, whose Achilles heel literally kept her from receiving gold or silver at the ’04 Olympics, now spends her time as a world-class gymnast of the crass and crude; sucking down whatever-you're-buying at the local bar (and a great number of the town’s “dirty dicks),” stealing birthday card money from her enabling father’s mail truck and mooching free Sbarro from the mall food court. The Bronze’s storyline is essentially a profanity-laced take on what happens to put-out-to-pasture celebrities who find themselves being pushed through the sphincter of popular culture, with Olympian Kerri Strug as the template. It does a fine job of illustrating all of the propagated entitlement and the human reaction to constant praise and attention inherent in celebrity culture. Sure, Hope’s rough exterior hides a wounded child — she employs the passing of her mother before her first birthday as her ace in the hole when anyone dare challenge her — but that pain, as real as it is and enflamed by the

a m y ina

dimming of the spotlight, manifests itself in bratty, annoying tendencies, making Hope’s character particularly difficult to sympathize with. Can you say “Kanye?” Motivated by the death of her former coach and, more precisely, the possibility of half-a-million dollars if she will train another Amherst, Ohio, native and Olympic hopeful, Hope is taxed with overcoming her hatred for her previous patron, the equally deplorable gold medal-winning gymnast Lance Tucker and her desire to mooch “4 lyfe.” Even though it will most likely be billed as a satire on the digestion of public figures by the media machine, the omnipresence of red, white and blue, chants of “USA! USA! USA!” and the jingoistic nationalism inherent in the Olympics (and much of the U.S.), make this Duplass brothersproduced film a compelling take on the perpetuation of our country’s supposed supremacy; from the first scene — Hope masturbating to a film of her Olympic routine, covered only in her U.S.A. windbreaker and American flag blanket — to the last utterance of “bloated pussy.”

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The Bronze (R) 108 min. Dir. Bryan Buckley; writ. Melissa Rauch, Winston Rauch; feat. Melissa Rauch, Sebastian Stan, Haley Lu Richardson, Gary Cole, Thomas Middleditch Opened nationwide Fri, March 18.

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36 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

FOOD

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SQUAD GOALS

New Generation Taking Lead at Brigid JESSICA ELIZARRARAS/@JESSELIZARRARAS

> The whispers were audible in January. Chris Carlson leaving Brigid was the talk of the culinary scene. So much so, that a press release was sent out: Brigid in Southtown has met incredible success in its opening months of operation, including Best New Restaurant of 2015 in the Express-News. This has led to new opportunities, including a food program at George’s Keep, Francis Bogside, as well as a new concept in Lincoln Heights. Having completed this enterprise and seeing that Brigid is a success, Chef Chris Carlson has decided to go on to his next challenge. “This has been an incredible experiment that has worked well, and has taken off to places I never thought possible. I have decided to move on from Brigid to pursue new opportunities. I appreciate the staff and all the hard work and dedication that went into this project.” Short, sweet, generally amicable. But Carlson’s departure left a gap to fill and a new team to assemble. These days, Justin Richardson, Halston Connella, Evan Martinez and Noel Hallagan are manning that teensy kitchen — more on this later — and so far, the transition has been seemingly seamless. With Brigid’s opening in September, the relatively new staff has had to bond together to make things work, again, in a kitchen that could double as a walk-in closet. Richardson has emerged as the leader or as Martinez put its, “the head of Voltron.” “I’ve grown a lot this past month, just learning not only my own physical and mental limits and pushing beyond them, but motivating people to do the same thing in a time of crisis. Losing Chris was a shock for everybody, myself included, but we’ve turned it into opportunity,” Richardson said. Changes have been slow, but steady. Brigid’s power lunch has been replaced with a relaxed mid-day offering at Francis Bogside, and the prices are hella cheap and feature everything from fried chicken sandwiches to velvety smooth green curry. Though items are slowly making their way onto Brigid’s menu, the guys are having fun with specials. Valentine’s

∙

From left: Richardson, Hallagan, Connella and Martinez on right

Day weekend was privy to a sous-vide duck confit with fanciful splotches and swirls of sauces. New dishes are collaborative efforts throughout, as each cook takes a stab at making a plate better. “We see the flavors and concept progress through us. It picks up different talents, nuances, that each and every one of us instills,” Richardson said. “...whether it [is] how long we braise or cure, how we reflect that flavor on the plate or [pay] homage to San Antonio or the dish or the concept of the dish.” This comes even at the cost of a few dents and scratches to the ego — this is a kitchen run by four dudes in their late twenties (Connella at 30 comes in as the elder, or Danny Tanner with his quiet calming nature). “We stretch the boundaries but we kiss and make up real quick,” Richardson said. And though they might argue about plating or flavors, the group is quick to point out each other’s strengths. Richardson tasks the others with pushing themselves to new heights using whatever ingredients are coming through, while he considers Hallagan the heart and soul of the operation, “This guy does not back down from any thing … when you’re in the kitchen and outgunned or outmanned, he steps up.” Though they might look relatively young, each is bringing years of kitchen experience. Richardson’s

EASTER SUNDAY

EASTER SATURDAY AT PEARL SATURDAY, MARCH 26TH 10:30 AM

worked at Austin’s Historic Driskill Hotel, Dallas’ Stoneleigh Hotel and later toiled away at Sandbar under Andrew Weissman and Carlson. Connella helped open Il Sogno, The Granary ‘Cue & Brew, Barbaro, Biga on the Banks and Citrus and occasionally still sates bellies with his pop-up, Rebel Pizza. Martinez, 26, worked at NYC’s Le Bernadin before traveling to Chile to start a cooking collective and helped open Starfish in Southtown. Hallagan, who’s also working on a two-year business administration degree, comes fresh from Michael Sohocki’s Restaurant Gwendolyn. “I think we have the best kitchen in Texas,” Martinez said. “I wouldn’t trade it.” You can put that claim to the test as the new menu rolls out this spring. But you can play guinea pig at Bogside now with late-night snacks which have included Third Coast mac ‘n’ cheese, and an open-faced peanut butter and jelly AND foie gras sandwich. And, yes, it was as good as it sounds. flavor@sacurrent.com > Editor’s Note: We’re kicking off a new series,“Squad Goals,” where we visit with new faces in kitchens across town. This time we’re getting to know the new team behind Brigid/Francis Bogside and what they’re building in the next few months.

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Ethos strives to bring you the best the world has to offer in coffee.

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∙

Taste all of SA’s Flavors this Thursday. > THURSDAY, MARCH 24 ReDo Recess: The DoSeum, where SA’s 21-and-up set can be a kid again, is hosting another installment of their adults-only night out with Retro Rubik’s. Bonus: Dress up in your favorite ’80s ensemble and compete in the costume contest or brush up on your Pac-Man skills with old school arcade games. The night includes karaoke and a chill-out station. $15-$17, 6-9pm, 2800 Broadway, (210) 212-4453, thedoseum.org. San Antonio Flavor: The third annual Flavor means it’s time to don your most springinspired attire for a night of bites and brews and more. The San Antonio Current event will highlight more than 40 of the city’s best restaurants, coffee shops, bars and more. But you’ll want to stop by to take in a rematch of last year’s culinary throw-down featuring chefs Lisa Astorga, Stefan Bowers, Jason Dady and Robbie Nowlin. $60, 7pm, San Antonio Museum of Art, 200 W. Jones Ave., sacurrentflavor.com. Wine Auction: You know who loves wine? Spurs announcer and former small forward Sean Elliott, that’s who. Elliott will serve as auctioneer during this event which features vintages and other luxury prizes all up for grabs and benefiting the BFA scholarship fund. $150 per person, 6:30-11pm, Southwest School of Art, 300 Augusta St., (210) 224-1848, swschool.org. > FRIDAY, MARCH 25 Freetail Beer Release: In 2015, Freetail #blessed us with the release of their Piñata Protest brew, a feisty number made with lime, ancho chile and salt. It pairs well with your go-to michelada mix, to boot. Try this year’s and party it up at Paper Tiger with the beer’s namesake band, Grupo Frackaso, Phantom Rockers and more. $5, 6pm, Paper Tiger, 2410 N. St. Mary’s St., papertiger.queueapp.com.

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> SATURDAY, MARCH 26 CAN Benefit Show: Rosella Coffee Co. is teaming up with Feed SA so you can get your philanthropic karma points on. Enjoy music from The Foreign Arm, fishermen, Mockingbird Smith, Xes Xes and check out works by local artists. For every can donation, Rosella will donate $1 to Feed SA (up to $500). Can donations encouraged, 3-9pm, 200 E. Jones Ave., Suite 101, (210) 277-8574, facebook.com/feedsa. > WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30 ArtFULL Wednesday: James Beard Award finalist for Best Chef Southwest Steve McHugh will visit the third installment of the McNay Art Museum’s Food For Thought series. Learn about handmade German bratwurst and McHugh’s farm-totable practices at Cured. Free with museum admission, noon-1pm, 6000 N. New Braunfels Ave., (210) 824-5368, mcnayart.org. sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 39

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If you still need brunch plans for Easter, Las Ramblas at Hotel Contessa (306 W. Market St., 210-298-8040) is hosting a brunch buffet with cold, hot and savory stations, breakfast and sweets stations. Have your fill of cold smoked salmon, cheeses, lamb osso buco, roasted chicken, carved-to-order leg of lamb with mint jelly and rosemary jus and garlic-rubbed carved-to-order prime rib au jus. Stick with breakfast classics with an omelet station, scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, Nutella-stuffed French toast or sweets, including red velvet cake, Snickers bread pudding and banana cream shots. Reservations are required; prices are $62 for adults and $22 for children 6-13. The Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort and Spa (9800 Hyatt Resort Drive, 210-767-7999) will focus on the eggs Benedict portion of the day from 10:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. with traditional breakfast items, a carving station with roasted beef strip loin and pineapple bourbon-glazed ham, along with a children’s buffet for the kids. Come as you are in casual resort wear, and reservations are highly recommended. Prices are $65 for adults, $50 for seniors, and $26 for children 6 to 12. Resort and brunch guests will have access to the “Great Easter Egg Hunt” with more than 12,000 eggs. Or check out the remodeled St. Anthony Hotel (300 E. Travis St., 210-3549244) for its Easter Brunch that features a seafood display (complete with raw oyster bar and smoked salmon with mini bagels!), a salad station with fruits and cheeses, interactive stations including oven-roasted prime rib, omelet station, crepe station and miniature kettle cobblers; and a breakfast buffet along with pastries and desserts. Brunch will be served from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.; prices are $75 for adults and $30 for children 6-12. Lovers of vegan snacks, patio pounders and tiny Chihuahuas will get a chance to help out their favorite tiny dog at La Botánica (2911 N. St. Mary’s St., 210-7160702). The restaurant will host “Day Drinking for the Dogs” on Sunday, April 3 from noon to 6 p.m. Stop in with your pup for fresh cocktails, great snacks and more as 15 percent of the proceeds from bar sales will be donated to the Texas Chihuahua Rescue for vet bills. Finally, Nectar Wine Bar & Ale House (214 Broadway, 210-375-4082) will now open Mondays. From 2 to 10 p.m., get your fill of pinot noir and cheese boards to cleanse those Monday blues. flavor@sacurrent.com sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 41

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BREWS & BURGERS

Beer, beer & more beer at Brass Tap ALEXIS BARNHART

In the last few months, it seems like The Rim has doubled in size. The suburban shopping center has quickly become a shopping, food and drink destination, especially for those who live on the Northwest Side of San Antonio and can’t be bothered to make the trek Downtown just to enjoy a night out. One of the newest bars-slash-eateries to grace The Rim is Brass Tap. While it’s a chain, its focus on local and craft beers is commendable. Brass Tap’s large selection of beer and promises of tasty bar food are what lured me to The Rim on a warm Saturday evening. As was to be expected on a weekend, parking was a bit of a nightmare. There was valet parking available, but I could save those precious $7 plus tip trying another beer, so I decided to park myself like a commoner. If you don’t mind a short walk, there is plenty of parking at the Palladium next door, and a parking garage is being constructed near Brass Tap sooner or later. If you can make it to Brass Tap for happy hour, it’s worth the trek outside Loop 1604. All draught beer, which includes a sizeable selection of great local brews, is $2 off from 3-6 p.m., every day. I arrived at Brass Tap just after happy hour was over, but no matter. The place must have cleared out, but because of this, my date and I found a table immediately. It’s seat-yourself, which means we were able to snag a good seat and avoid that “oh-hell-no-not-the-table-nearthe-bathroom” situation. If you’re not feeling the indoor portion of the bar, Brass Tap has a nice patio with fans, which would be ideal for those early summer days. True to its sports bar feel, Brass Tap had many large TVs on display. Some of them broadcasted sports and others showed off their extensive beer list. After perusing the menu/TV (we received hard copy menus as well), I decided on something light: Pedernales’ Robert Earl Keen Honey Pils. Our drinks came out quickly, and a few sips into my sweet honey pilsner I realized how hungry I was. Since nothing goes better with beer than some good oldfashioned meat, I ordered the All-American burger, an Angus beef patty topped with cheddar and bacon. My date also got a burger, the pepper jack-and spicy “cowboy” sauce-topped Cowboy burger, but there were so many tasty bar staples on the menu that it was difficult to decide. In addition to offering typical bar fare like nachos, fries and wings, Brass Tap kicks it up a notch with their flatbreads, chili and street tacos. Rumor has it that they also serve brunch on the weekends. All of the servers were attentive; if our server was

•

99 taps of beer on the wall …

helping another table or filling pints, other staff members would check in on us. Because our server wasn’t overly chatty, I never felt overwhelmed or rushed into making a decision. They didn’t hover, but I never had to wait long to be helped, either. It was the perfect amount of interaction, and to top it off, all of the servers were incredibly knowledgeable about beer. I’d barely made a dent in my pint when our food came out. My burger was solid — a little dry but seasoned well and with the perfect amount of cheese. On the other hand, my date’s Cowboy burger was juicy and bursting with flavor — I may have snuck a few more bites than he realized. Our burgers came with fries, which were good but nothing to write home about. Next time I want to try their pretzel pizzas — how could I not be intrigued by

two of my favorite foods combined? I didn’t go to Brass Tap expecting a gourmet meal, but I left feeling full and happy. Everything on the menu is exactly the type of grub you crave when enjoying a cold brew or two. And every beer I sampled was delicious. Those who are into beer tastings and good deals will be happy to hear that Brass Tap’s website also lists the cool events the location hosts on a daily basis. From new beer releases to pint nights, Brass Tap has no short supply of fun events for beer lovers. If you’re into a great beer selection and casual dining, check out Brass Tap at The Rim. With a focus on craft beer and a hearty menu to boot, Brass Tap is sure to be a favorite for happy hours, game days and chill days alike. sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 43

Join us at San Antonio Flavor for a Live

Culinary Stefan Bowers FEAST & Rebelle

SHowdown!

Randy Beamer

Jason Dady

WOAI

S.A.vory

Shuck Shack, Tre, Two Bros. B&D

SA Foodie and Instagrammer

Lisa Astorga

Ursula Pari

Hosted by Spurs emcee,

Chuck Cureau

Robbie Nowlin

Boudro's Texas Bistro & Zinc Bistro

Ivy Taylor Mayor

Will Sell Out! less than 200 tickets left

44 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

Bite Restaurant

KSAT

Buy Tickets NOW sacurrentflavor.com

NIGHTLIFE

HAPPY HOUR HOUND

Las Horas Mas Felices at Mezcalería Mixtli RON BECHTOL

There have been some changes at Mexcaleria Mixtli recently — a new team behind the bar, a chalkboard offering categories such as flavored margaritas — any of which might have been cause for concern. Our take? Not to worry. “I tasted every grapefruit soda out there and landed on Jarritos [Toronja],” said new bar guy Edgar Najera when asked about his happy hour Paloma. We appreciate his having done all the work for us as the result is a spectacularly simple symbiosis (so sorry) of two ingredients: Jarritos and the bar’s well tequila, Cimarron. If the drink is more popular in Mexico than the Get happy with a locally beloved margarita, this margarita or two. is why. Get on it as your next summer go-to. Though not necessarily at as the regular menu offers up plenty of the expense of the Mezcaleria’s marg. options at modest prices. The crackling If you’d like to do it yourself, here’s the chicharrones ($5) with lime and recipe: 1 1/2 ounces blanco tequila, Valentina may be the perfect bar snack; 1/2 ounce Gran Gala orange liqueur, 1 they’re airy yet filling, and you can ounce fresh lime juice, 1/2 ounce simple calibrate the heat. Peskier to eat due to syrup. Shake hard and serve over rocks. their sticky coating, the cacahuates with But we think you’ll be happier letting lime and chamoy are equally addicting. Najera or his staff shake it for you. Here, Same goes for the chiles toreados the almost-too-familiar drink takes on (roasted serranos and jalapeños) simply new, crisper and leaner life. Check it out. presented with lime and Maggi. The remaining happy hour cocktail New cocktails will continue to roll special (they’re all $5) is a Michelada, out on the regular menu. Najera says Pacifico the default beer, for which he’s working on a brunch Vampiro with Najera concocts a mix that includes achiote syrup, for example. If you want tomato, onion, bay leaf, cilantro, Salsa to ease into achiote, you can already Maggi and Valentina. (In Mexico, it’s sample the Agave y Achiote ($9) with not so much about tomato, says Najera, either tequila or mezcal and achiote but for here … ). Of the three, this is citrus syrup. Given the choice, we my least favorite, though not by far — will often opt for mezcal (Union is the but maybe that’s because I just prefer well brand) and here thought that the tequila. Beer hounds will appreciate that earthier agave might play well with there are select beers on happy achiote’s rusty, almost metallic hour, too, at a buck or two off. quality. It does. Remove the Mezcalería Mixtli face-tickling cilantro garnish There aren’t any special 5313 McCullough Ave. happy hour munchies here, and get up-close and personal (210) 320-1600 but not to worry here, either, with Mixtli’s nueva onda. 5-7pm Tue-Sat

•

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46 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

Midtown Jazz Sound

MUSIC

•

“Cut me open if you gotta Doc, but won’tcha gimme a tallboy and some Sheer Mag first?”

2410 N. ST MARY’S ST. / ADVANCE TIX - PAPERTIGERSA.COM

Friday, March 25th Paper Tiger Presents

PINATA PROTEST

‘FREETAIL BEER RELEASE’ W/ GROUP FRACKASO, PHANTOM ROCKERS DOORS 6PM / SHOW 9PM - ALL AGES Saturday, March 26th Paper Tiger Presents

SHEER MAG

W/ LAFFING GAS DOORS 6PM / SHOW 9PM - ALL AGES Thursday, March 31st Transmission Events Presents

LEE FIELDS & THE EXPRESSIONS

W/ KIRK THURMOND & THE MILLENIALS DOORS 6PM / SHOW 8PM - ALL AGES

SHEER MAGNITUDE

The rock ‘n’ roll moxy of Philly’s Sheer Mag MATT STIEB

Through daytime television, tawdry paperbacks and poppsych seminars, the self-help industry pulls in an annual $10 billion, promising the secrets to defeat procrastination, declutter the home and achieve the body one has always imagined living in. Because we all strive to be better, everyone is guilty of some selfhelp motivator. Mine is Sheer Mag, a straight-up rock ’n’ roll band from Philadelphia that’s tighter, tauter, hotter and more powerful than your favorite athlete’s ass. When I need a pick-me-up or an attaboy, I turn to the quintet’s rippin’ trio of EPs. The combo of singer Tina Halladay’s voice — like Etta James compressed through a tin can — and guitarist Kyle Seely’s indomitable uncle-rock shredding

resets any bad attitude and Like a $5 burger-fries combo psychs me the fuck up. or doing whip-its in the back of Before dates and after breakups, a mini-van, Sheer Mag acts as I listen to Sheer Mag. For basketball a great American equalizer — a warm-ups and watching hockey cheap, euphoric experience fights, I listen to Sheer Mag. I anyone can enjoy. Put EPs I think I could bear a major through III on the stereo for your and un-anesthetized vaping “Let’s Make America Great surgery with only a Again” step-dad and your coolest tall beer and “What feeling-the-Bern friend and they’ll You Want” booming want to cross the aisle to head out of a fine rig of bang, swap denim jackets and speakers. slam Budweiser. On three fourShort for “Sheer song EPs the band has delivered Magnitude,” the only hits, writing perfect stadium quintet emerged licks in the house-show setting. from the Irish and Italian Think Thin Lizzy in the hands of American enclave of South your favorite garage combo. Philly — the neighborhood On Twitter last year, comedian pictured in It’s Always Sunny Wint wrote, “its fucked up how in Philadelphia. Like the best there are like 1000 christmas moments of the absurd songs but only 1 song townie comedy, Sheer aboutr [sic] the boys Mag’s combo of ’70s radio being back in town.” But Sheer Mag feat. rock, punk grit and antithank the lords of rock ’n’ Laffing Gas $8 capitalist attitude makes roll, Sheer Mag is coming you want to pump fists and 8pm Sat, March 26 through to divine Phil Paper Tiger get drunk on a roof with Lynott’s ghost one EP at 2410 N. St. Mary’s St. papertigersa.com your oldest friends. a time.

Friday, April 1st Comedy AF Presents

MARTHA KELLY

DOORS 6PM / SHOW 9PM - ALL AGES Friday, April 8th Transmission Events Presents

MOTHERS

W/ SEGO DOORS 6PM / SHOW 9PM - ALL AGES Saturday, April 9th (Main Room) Do210 Presents

BLAKE & MATEO SUN DOORS 6PM / SHOW 8PM - ALL AGES Saturday, April 9th (Small Room) Transmission Events Presents

PURPLE

DOORS 6PM / SHOW 8PM - ALL AGES Sunday, April 10th Paper Tiger & Maverick Music Festival Presents Rock N Roll Brunch W/

HEARTBYRNE

(TALKING HEADS TRIBUTE)

& DJ JESTER THE FILLIPINO FIST DOORS 1PM / SHOW 2PM ‘FREE ENTRY WITH YOUR FESTIVAL WRISTBAND’ BRUNCH SPECIALS BY ATTABOY Friday, April 15th Transmission Events Presents

ACID DAD

DOORS 6PM / SHOW 9PM - ALL AGES Sunday, April 17th Transmissions Events Presents

BANE: THE FINAL TOUR W/ BURN, AXIS DOORS 6PM / SHOW 8PM - ALL AGES

ADVANCE TIX - PAPERTIGERSA.COM sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 47

HAP HOUPY R!

$2 Wells & Domestic Drafptms Mon-thur 9-11

12702 Toepperwein Rd suite 101, Live Oak TX

Friday 7-11p | Free Food 6-8p 7959 Fredericksburg rd suite 131 san antonio, tx 48 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

MUSIC

LONG IN THE TRUTH

Outlaw country music legend Billy Joe Shaver tells it like it is JASE BROWN

Eight fingers, four chords, a pair of boots and the truth — that’s what you get with Billy Joe Shaver. Since his debut in 1973, Shaver has been one of the leading voices in outlaw country. Last week, we spoke with him in advance of his March 26 show at Sam’s Burger Joint. Your latest record Long In the Tooth came out in 2014 after a seven-year hiatus. What was it that made you want to get back into recording? Well, I had been wanting to for a while. I’d just been waiting on [producer] Ray Kennedy to come loose ... He finally got loose to record me ... It was a low budget thing, all of mine were. I was anxious to record because I was out with a band and I had a bunch of new songs and I figured [I] might as well get them down. On the lead single “Hard To Be An Outlaw,” a duet between you and Willie Nelson, you take a couple digs at the current country music scene. Well you know … just a little bit. I know some of these guys write really good songs and some of them have slumped a little bit. But for the most part, the guys who write good always write good. It just seems like people haven’t been picking their songs. And a lot of these guys who get real popular, they’re good looking and all ... I guess the best way to put it is: if the boot fits, wear it. If somebody gets offended by that, then they’re the ones I was aiming at. How has the road changed since you were young? Or are you still just raising hell like you always have? Oh no, I don’t raise hell much. I sing the same songs, and you know songs are like capsules of time. I don’t ever get tired of singing my songs, 'cause I love and live with them all ... When I’m stuck in some motel room or I have the blues, I can pick up my guitar and sing a few of my songs and I feel better.

•

Billy Joe Shaver and man's best friend

him so mad. He came to me and told me, “I’ll never do another one of your songs.” And he never did another one. It’s a shame 'cause I had some other good songs he could have done. I always thought he was the greatest singer I ever heard. Still is. But he got really mad at me, and stayed mad at me.

His version of the song “Honky Tonk Heroes” is really different from yours. I remember reading somewhere that you weren’t crazy about his. No, no, no. It wasn’t so much that. His version is almost [live] but not quite, and I had to work with him on it. I don’t know how to say this, but I’m going to go ahead and say it Waylon Jennings’ Honky Tonk Heroes is one of anyways. I had to go in and sing the song at night the defining records of country music. That when there wasn’t anybody else around, so that record is every bit as much yours as it is his. Billy Joe Shaver he could get the phrasing as close to what I was Would you mind talking a bit about it? $15-$70 doing as he could. And that was just as close as 8pm Sat, March 26 You mentioned it’s as much mine as it is his. Sam’s Burger Joint he could get. Well he got mad at me, 'cause Rolling Stone 330 E. Grayson St. wrote an article that said the real hero of Honky (210) 223-2830 You have your own defining country record samsburgerjoint.com Tonk Heroes is Billy Joe Shaver. And it made

in Old Five and Dimers Like Me. What do you think it is about that record that so many people latch onto? I have no idea. I’m always deadly honest, and they were fresh songs. I had my family with me then. My son, my wife. I was real strong. I had all my faculties about me. I was stronger than I’d ever been and I was able to get in there and do the songs like they should’ve been done. So what makes a good songwriter, in your mind? Oh, I don’t know ... We all got one thing in common: we’re all different. If you’re honest with yourself, then what you’re saying is going to be different than what anyone else says. And people will like it for the uniqueness of it. So what’s next for Billy Joe Shaver? I got all new things coming out, soon as they get done. For the full Billy Joe Shaver interview visit sacurrent.com sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 49

50 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

MUSIC

tSAT

Texas Tornados

Pioneers of Spanglish Latin-spiced rock 'n’ roll, the one and only Texas Tornados are some of our favorite vatos. On a San Francisco stage in ‘89, four friends and supreme musicians formed a musical crossfire that would blossom into the number one Tex-mex supergroup. Made up of Hispanic country-fried soul star Freddy Fender, accordion wielding madman Flaco Jiménez and the already-legendary Augie Meyers and Doug Sahm of garage country conjunto Sir Douglas Quintet, Texas Tornados had success and fame woven into their destiny. Recently, the group reunited with the two surviving original members, Meyers and Jiménez, along with the addition of Sahm’s son Shawn for 2010’s Está Bueno, a collection that honored the group’s past, present and future with rereleased material and new compositions. Although members have come and gone — including the death of Fender from lung cancer and Sahm, who had a fatal heart attack — it was the four men in the quintet who, with their individual talents, made Tejano and Texas history. Giddy Up Vintage Chopper Show with Wayne “The Train” Hancock, DJ Smoak, Mothership and more. $10, 11am, River Road Ice House, 1791 Hueco Springs Loop Road, (830) 626-1335, giddyuptx.com –Shannon Sweet

Wednesday, March 23

Ben Rector If you, like, really dig Christian pop, but you're not lining up for communion anytime soon, Ben Rector's generically sweet 'n' sentimental songs act as a surrogate for churchly hymns. Aztec Theatre, 7pm

Curse and Cursus Ready your neck braces for this showcase of Baltimore and SA doom duos, respectively. With Wolf Party. Nite Lite, 9pm

Gen-Y Wednesdays: '90s Night

Jncos, rat-tails, light-up L.A. Gears and professional athletes dressed as elderly women – what a time to be alive. Drink through the music and the memories with other Gen-whatevers. The Amp Room, 7pm

Album Happy Hour: Howlin' Wolf Memphis Days Upon hearing the

aching, moaning blues of Chester Burnett, Sun Records owner and producer Sam Phillips famously stated, "That's where the soul of man never dies." The Mix, 6pm

The Incredible World Tour: Logic

Much like Kanye is influenced by Pablo Picasso, Pablo Escobar and Pablo Neruda, Maryland's Logic has his own idols: Frank Sinatra, James Bond and Quentin Tarantino. (At least they're aiming high, folks). Alamo City Music Hall, 7:30pm

Moon Taxi With a name ripped from a Wes

Anderson feature and a sound that'd accompany the ending credits nicely, Moon Taxi's acoustic festival-ish style supports all the "whoas" and "ooohhs" of their sweeping choruses. Empire Theatre, 8pm

Patty Griffin, Sara Watkins and Anaïs Mitchell In a highly anticipated national tour, Grammy Award winner Patty Griffin joins forces with Sara Watkins and Anaïs Mitchell in a celebration of American songwriting and performance. More than just a three-act show, this special “singers-in-the-round” style concert features all three artists on stage together, sharing songs and accompanying each other for the entire evening. Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 7:30pm

Possessed by Paul James This one-

MARCH 25 - RANDY ROGERS BAND PLUS JASON BOLAND & THE STRAGGLERS

MARCH 26 - RANDY ROGERS BAND PLUS WILLIAM CLARK GREEN AND JOHNNY CHOPS AND THE RAZORS

APR 2 - CODY JOHNSON PLUS KYLE PARK & MIKE RYAN

man band, Floridian Konrad Wert, is possessed by some Appalachian Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins-like folk master. Sam's Burger Joint, 7pm

Underoath Christian metal – like pop punk – is the oxymoron of the century and Christ-core metalheads Underoath set it in motion with their mega-popularity, much like SA's Cornerstone Church. With Caspian. Aztec Theatre, 6:30pm

XV Relive all those old quince feels with

APR 8 - DWIGHT YOAKAM

DJs devoted to spinning you back in time to when Selena, puffy Cinderella dresses and puppy love was all their was. Hi-Tones, 10pm

Thursday, March 24

American Swine Named for the ruling

class and their let-them-eat-cake approach to everyone else, this SA punk band hurl their pearls before likeminded class warriors. With Blank Side and The Zukinis. The Mix, 10pm

Fear Factory Remember Fear Factor?

That show where people eat worms and

14492 Old Bandera Rd Helotes, TX (210)695-8827

For tickets: liveatfloores.com

sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 51

52 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

MUSIC

horse assholes? Well, the metal group Fear Factory makes eating equine anus a dream in comparison. With Soilwork. The Korova, 7pm

Palacios Brothers This trio of siblings

piggyback on the blues rock sounds of Los Lonely Boys, Santana and Eric Clapton, long after Cream. Sam's Burger Joint, 7:30pm

Trout Fishing in America Kind of like

They Might Be Giants after they found success with "Here Come the ABCs." Kiddy jammers Trout Fishing in America takes the same irreverent humor, but with a folksier angle. Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 7:30pm

Yanni The Kenny G of classical music,

who has made bazillions on advertising jingles – including the longest running European commercial of all time – fills the Downtown theater with his synthesized symphony. Majestic Theatre, 8pm

Friday, March 25

Feed SA Concert Series: Ramparts, Fair Coyote, Dylan Alley and Owl & Chappell Hot off their first ever

Imagine Fest, Imagine Books & Records' charity event will give back to SA by collecting donations and canned food while kicking out the jams. Imagine Books & Records, 8pm

Flux Organic artspace Fangers Studio

is hosting an eclectic, electronic showcase to show off some of SA's more obscure talent. With Hi$to, Ooh Yeah, Chris Dubs, Rad Envelope and Espre. Fangers Studio, 11pm

Fuzionz feat. Banxx, Gritzy, Lazy K and Malab Limelight's DJ night will feature

more Xs than a XXX feature and Zs than a NyQuil-induced slumber. Limelight, 9pm

Joey Muha Do you really, really like drum solos? If so, YouTube star Joey Muha will beat and bash his way through drum covers of cartoon and video game themes and (maybe) original material. With Star Fighter Dreams and Rivers Want. The Korova, 6pm

Los Galacticos, Boca Negra and Volcan

What's better than badass vegan Mexican cuisine? Enjoying said cuisine with some badass live spanish rock 'n' roll. La Botánica, 9pm

Mingo Fishtrap It's been quite the

rollercoaster ride, but the eight members of Austin's critically acclaimed soul collective Mingo Fishtrap have found their sweet spot. Now it's time to work on that name. Sam's Burger Joint, 9pm

Rachmaninoff Romanticism and

the Romantic spirit abound in this program featuring music by several of the world's most beloved composers. Glamorous Russian pianist Olga Kern “shoots off rockets” with her reading of Rachmaninoff’s Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini, alongside the San Antonio Symphony and conductor Sebastian Lang-Lessing. Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 8pm

Randy Rogers Band with Jason Boland & the Stragglers With his 2013 album Trouble, Cleburne native Randy Rogers made it to the ninth spot on the Billboard Top 200. It’s been a long time coming, having learned to play at the age of six. Austin red dirt rockers Jason Boland and the Stragglers put their best cowboy boot forward on the 2013 effort Dark & Dirty Mile. John T. Floore's Country Store, 7pm

Shayla Shimmy of Starlust Burlesque

The burlesque craze is further solidified with this talented, tattooed young entertainer's headlining gig at the Strip's hip home of the pickle shot. Hi-Tones, 9pm

Villela Sam Villela, keyboardist

extraordinaire in Sexto Sol, leads his band through a journey in soul, funk, R&B and blues. Southtown 101, 4pm

Saturday, March 26

Asleep At The Wheel The looming,

booming Ray Benson and his merry band of swingers prove that Bob Wills and Texas Swing still reign supreme. Luckenbach Dancehall, 7pm

Feed SA "Can" Benefit Show with The Foreign Arm, fishermen, Mockingbird Smith and Xes Xes Four

of SA's most proficient acts, including the effervescent fishermen, soulful Foreign Arm and adroit Mockingbird Smith, appeal to San Antonio to put their cans together for the city's needy. Rosella Coffee Co., 3pm

Michael Martin & The Infidels Self-

proclaimed "Bob Dylan freaks" – which is an excellent selling point for any artist – Michael Martin and his Zimmermaninspired Infidels rip through their own mercurial tunes and those of the classic rock 'n' roll Fuck Book. It's like the jazzers' Fake Book, but rock 'n' roll, see? The Cove, 9pm

Monster Energy Outbreak Tour Presents: Issues Possessing more

issues than Alternative Press, Issues is basically what it sounds like – a bunch of whiny guys in skinny jeans – with one trait setting them apart: sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 53

Happy Hour 12p-7p Every Day!

11807 West Avenue @ Blanco | 210.616.2144| FatRacksSportsBar.com

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MegaplexSA.com 54 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

MUSIC

their "clean" singer sounds like an emo Aaron Carter. Get high on taurine, the legal cocaine with this Monstersponsored show. With Crown the Empire, One Ok Rock, and Night Verses. Aztec Theatre, 6pm

Sarah y Hermanos Following in the

vein of New Orleans' Hurray for the Riff Raff and She & Him, singer, just Sarah, submits new folky jazz entries into the ever-expanding canon. La Botánica, 9pm

Saturdays with Midnight Swim Get

down in Saytown with classic beats that make you go "hmmm." Bottom Bracket Social Club, 10pm

Sidewinder Poised to strike and

possessing a tongue for hot, dad rock licks, Sidewinder has exhausted my snake-rock metaphors. Fitzgerald’s, 8pm

Snowbyrd San Antonio mainstays

Snowbyrd are owners of a loose, bouncing, sporadically psychedelic set, complete with Texas-requisite pangs of twang. Hi-Tones, 9pm

Sunday, March 27

Absu Black Metal wizards Absu are

basically the kind of longhaired nerds who enjoyed the three Ds in their youth: dungeons, dragons and Dio. With Hod. The Korova, 8pm

Ghostpizza Sundays Make Sunday the

new Tuesday (the new Friday), with the hip-hop tastemaker. Hi-Tones, 9pm

Sunday Funday Easter Party DJs Eddie

and Lightsout throw a party to raise the dead. Although not turning water into wine, Brass Monkey will be turning $2 into anything in the house. Come party under Easter egg-shaped disco balls. Brass Monkey, 9pm

The Doc Watkins Trio The good doctor

of the ivories is in every Sunday at the oldest bar on the River Walk. Esquire Tavern, 3pm

Monday, March 28

Saturday Night Fever Hustle on down

to the Tobin for a performance of the play that pushed a young butt-chinned Italian stud into the spotlight. I can never think of this movie/play without the brilliantly titled Holy Molar song "My Saturday Night Fever Turned Into a Sunday Morning Rash" coming to mind. God bless you, Mark McCoy. Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 7:30pm

Jim Cullum Jazz Band Any serious

reputation San Antonio has as a jazz town has to be chalked up to Jim Cullum, Jr., the man in charge of the long-running public radio show "Riverwalk Jazz" who's been consistently swinging in the Alamo City for decades. Tucker's Kozy Korner, 7pm

Marley Mondays Just try to hate

Mondays with DJ FantasticDan spinning all the dreadlocked rasta's good vibrations, keeping every-ting irie. J&O's Cantina, 8pm

Tuesday, March 29

Mix It Up Tuesdays At this weekly

soiree, DJ Ras G of Shashamani Sound selects cuts from Yellowman to Peter Tosh. The Mix, 9pm

Azul Live

The Gap Band

Faster Pussycat

Hellfest IV featuring Grim Reaper & HelStar

Tuesday Evening Picker Circle: Open Acoustic Jam with Bo Porter The owner of a demonstratively booming bass voice and a band that can play anything under the blazing Texas sun, Bo Porter has spent a considerable amount of time in Texas honky tonks. Luckenbach Dancehall, 5pm

Tuesday Night Music Series: Ken Little and Friends Little by Little

would be a perfect album title for selfpenned songs from this local artist extraordinaire who makes country rock, despite its often-awful proponents, not a completely deplorable thing. Liberty Bar, 7:30pm

Alamo City Music Hall 1305 E. Houston St., alamocitymusichall.com Aztec Theatre 104 N. St. Mary’s St., (210) 812-4355, theaztectheatre.com Bottom Bracket Social Club 1609 N. Colorado St., (210) 267- 9160, facebook.com/ bottombracketsocialclub Brass Monkey 2702 N. St. Mary's St., (210) 480-4722, facebook.com/BrassMonkeyTX Empire Theatre 224 E. Houston St., (210) 226-5700, majesticempire.com Esquire Tavern 155 E. Commerce St., (210) 2222521, esquiretavern-sa.com Fangers Studio 120 Toudouze, (210) 815-8505, facebook.com/fangerstudios Fitzgerald’s 437 McCarty Road #101, (210) 629-5141, facebook.com/fitzgeraldsbarsa Hi-Tones 621 E. Dewey Pl., (210) 573-6220, hitonessa.com Imagine Books & Records 8373 Culebra Road, (210) 236-7668, imaginebookstore.com J&O’s Cantina 1014 S. Presa St., (210) 485-7611 John T. Floore’s Country Store 14492 Old Bandera Road, (210) 695-8827, liveatfloores.com La Botánica 2911 N. St. Mary’s St., vivalabotanica.com Liberty Bar 1111 S. Alamo St., (210) 227-1187, liberty-bar.com Limelight 2718 N. St. Mary’s St., thelimelightsa.com Luckenbach Dancehall 412 Luckenbach Town Loop, (830) 997-3224, luckenbachtexas.com Majestic Theatre 224 E. Houston St., (210) 226-5700, majesticempire. com Nite Lite 714 Fredericksburg Road, nitelitesa.com Rosella Coffee Co. 203 E. Jones Ave. #101, (210) 277-8574, rosellacoffee.com Sam’s Burger Joint 330 E. Grayson St., (210) 223-2830, samsburgerjoint.com Southtown 101 101 Pereida St., (210) 263-9880 The Amp Room 2407 N. St. Mary’s St., (210) 320-2122, theamproom.com The Cove 606 W. Cypress St., (210) 227-2683, thecove.us The Korova 107 E. Martin St., (210) 226-5070, thekorova.com The Mix 2403 N. St. Mary’s St., (210) 735-1313 Tobin Center for the Performing Arts 100 Auditorium Circle, (210) 223-8624, tobincenter.org Tucker's Kozy Korner 1338 E. Houston St., (210) 320-2192

Darkness Divided

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sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 55

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FIXATIONS, ORAL AND OTHERWISE

I’m a 24-year-old male, married three years, monogamous. My wife and I are religious and were both virgins when we got married. I’m sexually frustrated with two things. (1) How can I get her to give me oral sex? (She has never given and I have never received oral sex. I regularly give her oral sex.) She is afraid to try it, saying she’s not ready yet. About every six months, I bring it up and it leads to a fight. She is a germophobe, but I think she believes fellatio is done only in porn. (I used to look at porn, which nearly ended our then-dating relationship.) (2) I feel like I’m always giving and never receiving any type of affection: massages, kisses, caresses, you name it. It’s like having sex with a sex doll—no reciprocation. How do I broaden our sex life without making her feel like we’re in a porno? Sexually Frustrated If you don’t already have children — you don’t mention kids — please don’t have any, SF, at least not with your first wife. You’re a religious person, SF, a lifestyle choice I don’t fully understand. But you’re also a sexual person, and that I do understand. And if you want a lifelong, sexually exclusive, and sexually fulfilling relationship, then you must prioritize sexual compatibility during your search for the second Mrs. SF. Because your next marriage is likelier to survive for the long haul if you’re partnered with someone who is attracted to you physically and is aroused — roughly speaking — by the same sex acts, positions, and fantasies you are. In other words: Don’t marry someone and hope she likes sucking your dick. You tried that, and it didn’t work. Find someone who likes sucking your dick and marry her. 58 CURRENT • March 23—29, 2016 • sacurrent.com

I’m a straight woman in my early 30s, and I just don’t like receiving oral sex. I love giving blowjobs and can orgasm from PIV sex, but I seem to be one of the few women who don’t enjoy guys going down on me. I’m not uncomfortable with it, but it doesn’t get me off. I also get wet easily, so it’s not like I need it as foreplay. As I’ve gotten older, and the guys I sleep with have gotten older, it seems like most want to spend a great deal of time down there. I’ve tried being up front about not liking it in general, but guys either get offended or double down and do it more because they assume I’ve never been with a guy who “could do it right.” Any ideas on how to handle this? Needs Oral Preference Explainer The observation you make regarding older straight guys — older straight guys are more enthusiastic about going down on women — is something I’ve heard from other female friends. They couldn’t get guys to go down on them in their 20s, and they can’t get guys in their 30s and 40s to stop going down on them. (SF, above, is clearly an outlier.) The obvious solution to your dilemma, NOPE: Only fuck guys in their 20s. Fan from Sweden here! Question: My fetish has no name. It is a “worshipping” fetish, for want of a better term, where I am the one being worshipped. Not by one man, but all men of the earth. The worshipping itself, while sexual, is not bound to my body parts. It would be great to have this named. Lack Of Vocabulary Enervates My Experiences A year ago, I would’ve diagnosed you with “caligulaphilia,” LOVEME, after the Roman emperor Caligula, who considered himself a living god, and -philia, the go-to suffix meaning “abnormal appetite or liking for.” But these days, I’d say you were suffering from a bad case of “trumpophilia.” I’m a 24-year-old female who met my 26-yearold boyfriend five months ago through Fetlife. We do not share the same fetish, but we have other overlapping interests and he is lovely, smart, and funny. He has a diaper and incontinence fetish. Not my jam, but I’m GGG. The issue: He has the most one-dimensional sexuality I have ever seen. He can get off only in the missionary position, with a diaper under us, and with incontinence dirty talk. Even with all of the above, its difficult to get him to orgasm. And it’s only very recently that we’ve been able to have penetrative sex — since he was used to getting off with his hand and a diaper — always with diapers under us and with lots and lots and lots of pee talk. But there’s only so long I can talk about losing control and peeing myself before I lose interest in the activities at hand. I do not mind getting him off this way sometimes, but this does absolutely nada for me and it’s the only way he gets off. He’s otherwise an amazing person, but

SAVAGE LOVE by Dan Savage

I’m getting frustrated. We’ve talked about how my needs aren’t being met, and he claims he’s done standard vanilla before and managed to satisfy his partners. I’ve yet to experience it myself, however, and I’d really like to be able to enjoy some vanilla sex — let alone my kinks! — with him! Please, I’m Sexually Saddened Your lovely, smart boyfriend is a lousy, selfish lay, PISS, and you two aren’t sexually compatible. DTMFA. I am a 26-year-old guy and I have an overwhelming foot fetish. I cannot help but think about the male foot every hour of every day. I often find myself pushing boundaries with attractive male friends and acquaintances to satisfy my urges, which has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety. I’m obsessed with the idea of offering some of my friends and acquaintances foot massages, but I just don’t know how to bring up the subject, given my mixed experiences. A lot of people think of foot rubs as intimate and believe they should be restricted to romantic relationships. While I’ve been lucky on very random occasions, I’ve had some fuckups. I asked a gay friend whether he would like a foot massage, but he declined—and while he was polite about it in the initial exchange, he has since ignored me. I asked a straight guy, and he considered it but never followed through, and I feel weird about asking him again. I told another straight guy who was shocked that I would ever ask him such a thing, but he still talks to me and makes light of the incident. Whereas another guy unfriended me on Facebook after I messaged him and told him I liked his feet. What should I do? Is there a proper way to ask to rub someone’s feet? It’s not like I’m asking to suck on peoples’ toes. Crazed About Lads’ Feet You remind me of those straight guys who send unsolicited dick pics to women they barely know — they don’t do it because it never works, they do it because it works on rare/random occasions. But you have to ask yourself if those rare/random instances when an attractive male friend allowed you to perv on their feet — the handful of times you’ve gotten a yes — are worth the sacrificing of all the friendships you’ve lost. Foot rubs are a form of intimacy, particularly when performed by foot fetishists, and you’ve gotta stop pestering your hot friends about their feet. There are tons of other foot fetishists out there — most male, loads gay, tons online. Go find some fellow foot pervs and swap rubs with them. On the Lovecast, Debby Herbenick on anxiety-induced orgasms: savagelovecast.com mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

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“South by What?”— a lack of direction. ACROSS

1 IRS Form 1040 figure 4 Imperial follower? 7 Baltic, e.g. 10 Bunny bounce 13 Vietnamese soup 14 It’s chalked before a shot 15 Efficient movements 17 Share, sometimes 19 Influential filmmakers 20 Cut cards with your stomach muscles? 22 Barrett once in Pink Floyd 23 Barcelona bulls 24 “Electric” fish 26 Dead even 29 ___-of-the-moment 30 Agcy. concerned with fraud 32 When, in Spanish 34 Right-angled pipes used for gay parade floats? 37 Broadway star Hagen 38 Feedbag bit 39 Nose, bottom of your foot, that spot you can’t reach on your back, e.g.? 46 Out like a light 47 DeLuise in Burt Reynolds outtakes 48 Prefix for space 51 Scratch up like a cougar

52 ___-Therese, Quebec 54 Donates 55 Apr. season 57 Sleeveless garment it’s OK to spill food on? 60 Home-cooked offering 63 Heir, in legal terminology 64 Zappa with the given name Ian 65 Expected to come in 66 Miles ___ gallon 67 Sun. discourse 68 Paid promos 69 Cat consumer of ‘80s TV 70 Docs

DOWN

1 Mother Goose dieters 2 1984 Cyndi Lauper song 3 “That’s a lie!” 4 Slurpee competitors 5 Sought damages from 6 Give (out) 7 “Thus ___ Zarathustra” 8 Perfumery word 9 Crafts’ counterparts 10 Famed escapologist 11 “___ American Cousin” 12 Letters near 7, on some phones 16 Synth instrument with a shoulder strap

18 Fingerprint pattern 21 “___ n’est pas une pipe”: Magritte 25 “Fiddler on the Roof” toast 27 Former “Tonight Show” announcer Hall 28 Jane in a court case 30 Aperture settings 31 “___ the night before Christmas ...” 33 Not more than 35 Rapper ___ Fiasco 36 Band who felt the rains down in Africa 39 Eminem’s “The Way ___” 40 Letters seen in airports 41 Cereal bunch 42 “S.O.S.!” 43 Germ for an invention 44 Inexperienced 45 Dinner hour 49 Do a crop rotation chore 50 Some blenders 53 Poker players look for them 54 Sorrow 56 Playwright Yasmina 58 “Look what I’ve done!” 59 Hebrew month before Tishrei 60 Most TVs, these days 61 Have a payment due 62 Helping hand

ETC.

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY by Rob Brezsny ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): When Orville and Wilbur Wright were kids, their father gave them a toy helicopter powered by a rubber band. The year was 1878. Twentyfive years later, the brothers became the first humans to sail above the earth in a flying machine. They testified that the toy helicopter had been a key inspiration as they worked to develop their pioneering invention. In the spirit of the Wright Brothers’ magic seed, Aries, I invite you to revive your connection to a seminal influence from your past. The coming weeks will be a favorable time to feed a dream that was foreshadowed in you a long time ago. TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): “The task of a writer is not to solve the problem but to state the problem correctly,” said Russian writer Anton Chekhov. Whether or not you’re a writer, Taurus, that is also your special task in the coming weeks. The riddle that has begun to captivate your imagination is not yet ripe enough for you to work on in earnest. It has not been defined with sufficient clarity. Luckily, you have the resources you need to research all the contingencies, and you have the acuity to come up with a set of empowering questions.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): The good news is that if you eat enormous amounts of chocolate, you will boost your memory. Science has proved it. The bad news is that in order to get the full effect of the memory enhancement, you would have to consume so much chocolate that you would get sick. I propose that we consider this scenario as a metaphor for what may be going on in your life. Is it possible you’re doing things that are healthy for you in one way but that diminish you in another? Or are you perhaps getting or doing too much of a good thing — going to unbalanced extremes as you pursue a worthy goal? Now is a favorable time to figure out if you’re engaged in such behavior, and to change it if you are.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): When the young director Richard Lester got his big break, he took full advantage. It happened in 1964, when the early Beatles asked him to do their first movie, A Hard Day’s Night . Lester’s innovative approach to the project propelled his career to a higher level that brought him many further opportunities. Writing of Lester’s readiness, critic Alexander Walker said, “No filmmaker . . . appeared more punctually when his hour struck.” That’s what I hope you will soon be doing in your own chosen field, Cancerian. Do you understand how important it will be to have impeccable timing? No procrastination or hemming and hawing, please. Be crisply proactive.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): As a young man, the poet Arthur Rimbaud (1854-1891) left

his home in France and settled in Abyssinia, which these days is known as Ethiopia. “I sought voyages,” he wrote, “to disperse the enchantments that had colonized my mind.” You might want to consider a similar strategy in the coming weeks, Leo. From an astrological perspective, it’s going to be an excellent time both to wander free of your usual haunts and to disperse the enchantments that have colonized your mind. Why not find ways to synergize these two opportunities?

your arms like a birds’ wings. Then continue your singing: “Rise with me, fall with me. Work with me, play with me. Pray with me, sin with me.” At this point, leap up into the air three times, unleashing a burst of laughter each time you hit the ground. Continue singing: “Let me get high with you. Laugh with you, cry with you. Make me your partner in crime.” At this point blow three kisses toward the creature, then run away. (P.S. The lyrics I’m quoting here were composed by songwriter Fran Landesman.)

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): At one

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19):

point in his life, author C. S. Lewis had a rude awakening as he took stock of the progress he thought he had been making. “I am appalled to see how much of the change I thought I had undergone lately was only imaginary,” he wrote. I want to make sure that something similar doesn’t happen to you, Virgo. You’re in the midst of what should be a Golden Age of SelfTransformation. Make sure you’re actually doing the work that you imagine you’re doing — and not just talking about it and thinking about it.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22): “There are questions that you don’t ask because you’re afraid of the answers,” wrote Agatha Christie. I would add that there are also questions you don’t ask because you mistakenly think you already know the answers. And then there are questions you don’t ask because their answers would burst your beloved illusions, which you’d rather preserve. I’m here to urge you to risk posing all these types of questions, Libra. I think you’re strong enough and smart enough, and in just the right ways, to deal constructively with the answers. I’m not saying you’ll be pleased with everything you find out. But you will ultimately be glad you finally made the inquiries.

In getting energy from food, we humans have at our disposal over 50,000 edible plants. And yet we choose to concentrate on just a few. Wheat, corn, rice and potatoes make up twothirds of our diet, and 11 other staples comprise most of the rest. Let’s use this as a metaphor for the kind of behavior you should avoid in the coming weeks. I think it will be crucial for you to draw physical, emotional and spiritual sustenance from a relatively wide variety of sources. There’s nothing wrong with your usual providers, but for now you need to expand your approach to getting the nurturing you need.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): “We teach each other how to live.” Poet Anne Michaels said that, and now I’m passing it

on to you — just in time for the phase of your cycle when acting like a curious student is your sacred duty and your best gift to yourself. I don’t necessarily mean that you should take a workshop or enroll in a school. Your task is to presume that everyone you meet and every encounter you have may bring you rich learning experiences. If you’re willing to go as far as I hope you will, even your dreams at night will be opportunities to get further educated. Even your vigils in front of the T V. Even your trips to the convenience store to buy ice cream.

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): In her poem “Time,” Piscean poet Lia Purpura wonders about “not picking up a penny because it’s only a little luck.” Presumably she is referring to a moment when you’re walking down a street and you spy an almost-but-notquite-worthless coin lying on the concrete. She theorizes that you may just leave it there. It adds next to nothing to your wealth, right? Which suggests that it also doesn’t have much value as a symbol of good fortune. But I urge you to reject this line of thought in the coming weeks, Pisces. In my astrological opinion, you’ll be wise to capitalize on the smallest opportunities. There will be plenty of them, and they will add up.

THIS MODERN WORLD by Tom Tomorrow

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): If you are enmeshed in a jumble that makes you squirm or if you are caught in a tangle that stifles your self-love, you have three choices. Here’s how Eckhart Tolle defines them: 1. Get out of the situation. 2. Transform the situation. 3. Completely accept the situation. Does that sound reasonable, Scorpio? I hope so, because the time has come to act. Don’t wait to make your decision. Do it soon. After that, there will be no whining allowed. You can no longer indulge in excuses. You must accept the consequences. On the bright side, imagine the new freedom and power you will have at your disposal.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): Here’s a proposed experiment. Sidle up to a creature you’d love to be closer to, and softly sing the following lyrics: “Come with me, go with me. Burn with me, glow with me. Sleep with me, wake with me.” At this point, run three circles around the creature as you flap

sacurrent.com • March 23—29, 2016 • CURRENT 61

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