THE ART OF REGULATING WHEN MELTDOWNS OCCUR

By Brandy Browne

YESTERDAY, I WATCHED IN FRUSTRATION AS MY DAUGHTER MELTED INTO A CRYING BALL OF WILD CURLS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH. WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM? SHE HAD HELPED SWEEP THE FLOOR, BUT WHAT IF SHE HAD GOT A CRUMB OF THE CHICKEN FEED WE KEEP IN A BIG TUB BY THE DOOR ON HER HAND? NOW, SHE DIDN’T FEEL WE COULD TAKE THE BABY BUNNIES OUT OF THE CAGE TO HOLD BECAUSE WHAT IF THEY LICKED HER HAND AND THEN DIED? SHE WAS STUCK IN HER UPSTAIRS BRAIN (A DANIEL SEGEL TERM...LOOK UP HIS RESEARCH ON THE BRAIN...IT’S FASCINATING), AND THERE WAS NO REASONING WITH HER. THIS IS NOT AN UNUSUAL OCCURRENCE. SHE IS ONE OF MANY AROUND THE WORLD WHO DEAL WITH CRIPPLING ANXIETY AND ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (ADHD) TO BOOT. AS A PARENT AND EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATOR WITH A DEGREE IN PARENTING AND CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT, I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT HOW TO HANDLE THESE MELTDOWNS WHEN THEY OCCUR.

I’ll share my tips of the trade, but rest assured, no matter how knowledgeable you are, it can still be incredibly frustrating and heart-wrenching to watch.

First and foremost, de-escalate the situation. My daughter thrives on physical touch, so I wrapped her up in my arms and held her until I felt her body relax under my arms. Some children have an aversion to touch, and in this case, it would be best to simply sit nearby, offering a calm presence until the worst has passed.

Be intentional about thriving on routine. While spontaneity may have a place, children who have difficulty regulating and de-escalating need structure and routine. In a personal interview with writer Julia Cook (author of My Mouth is a Volcano, I Just Don’t Like the Sound of No, and Herman Jiggle, Say Hello!), she noted, “anxiety has to do with predictability” (J. Cook, personal communication, March 17, 2021). When children who suffer from anxiety or even ADHD, autism, etc., do not have a clear picture of what is expected, it can cause panic and disruptive behaviors that stem from worries about what is to come.

Children’s literature has a wealth of strategies that can give children a concrete way to help manage anxiety. For example, I employed a strategy from Suzanne Chiew’s The Worry Box in

coaching sessions with clients this past winter. One particular child struggles with anxiety, sensory processing disorder and is on the spectrum. We read the story together, and she made her own “worry box.” The purpose of the worry box is to list the things that are causing the child stress and “put them away.” Then, you can take them out with a trusted adult to talk to. This helps give worry a time and place, rather than taking over their day.

Julia Cook discussed a similar strategy in a recent interview. She stated, “I like to have kids write down everything that is stressing them out on a piece of paper. Then, draw a circle on another piece of paper. They look at their list...if they have control over the thing they are stressing out about, it goes inside the circle. If they can’t control it, it has to stay outside the circle. They focus their energy on the things that they have control over. Another thing that has worked for kids is anxiety recipe cards. So, they have a worry…What if Mom doesn’t pick me up on time? What happens? Well, you wait for a while. Then, you call. They talk through that process and write it on the card. Then, the card goes inside their recipe box that they keep in their backpack. So, they don’t have to have that worry up here (motions towards head)” (J. Cook, personal communication, March 17th, 2021).

Additionally, so much excessive anxiety stems from sleep deprivation. Here, parents must be very intentional about making sure the sleeping environment is calm and relaxing for children. Leave electronics out of the sleeping area. Instead, opt for low lighting, cool temperatures, and possibly a white noise machine. The white noise machine is quiet enough not to disturb children but has enough sound that it blocks out general nighttime noises that may be distracting.

Final thoughts

Battling anxiety with a child who has other exceptional needs can be extremely exhausting and isolating for parents. It is important to reach out to your support system to help you through. There are various online support groups that serve this purpose, as well as any local parent groups in your area, church groups, or friends and family. Additionally, maintaining your self-care routine (while difficult at times) is critical in helping you remain regulated enough to be able to help your child regulate. An unregulated child will never learn to properly regulate from an adult who is not regulated themselves.

Sources

Cook, J. 2021, March 17th. Personal Interview

Brandy Browne is an early childhood educator in the United States, as well as a family coach and blogger for UnStuck, her family coaching service aimed at helping families develop positive habits and breaking the cycle of generational trauma and poverty. Her degree is in early and elementary education, and she also has a master’s degree in parenting and child/adolescent development. Brandy is the wife of her high school sweetheart of 15 years, and together they share three children, aged ten, seven, and five. In her free time, she enjoys reading, gardening, writing, and distance running

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