Judith is Australian and married a Danish man. They live in Denmark after years of being together around the world. How do they handle being a global couple?
Where are you from and what brought you to Denmark? I am from Australia. Many years ago I travelled to East Africa to visit a friend. She introduced me to a Danish man that was working there, and that was that. We have been together ever since. We are coming up for the weirdly Danish wedding anniversary of 12.5 years (who knows why the Danes put such importance on the number 12.5). We have 3 children, 1 born in South Africa and two born in Australia. Seemingly due to the changing economical climate, our recent long stint in Dubai came to a sudden end and we saw an opportunity to come and spend some time in Denmark. Is Denmark your first experience of living abroad? No. I had lived a couple of different countries before I met my Dane. He has also spent much time living and working outside of Denmark. Together we have lived all over Africa, then Singapore and we have just spent nearly ten years in Dubai.
What was the biggest challenge for you as a couple moving to Denmark? Trying to get a job! We didn’t move to Denmark for work, we moved to give our 3 children more of a home base, but you need to pay the bills! Trying to break into the job market here when you have lots of overseas experience can be very difficult as you are not the “norm”. We may yet have to leave again because of this issue. This is especially the case for my Danish husband, who has struggled to get a foot in the door.
What was the biggest challenge for you cultural wise moving here? Culture wise there have been no big surprises as we have been together for many years and visited Denmark many times. That said, in the last couple of years there have been a few books written about Denmark from a foreigners point of view. After I read “the year of living
Danishly*”, “how to be Danish**” and even “the xenophobes guide to the Danes***”, I laughed and laughed and laughed. The authors have described many of the situations and thoughts I have had when being completely dumbfounded by Danishness. I thoroughly recommend having a look at some of these books if you are considering coming to Denmark to live, have just arrived, or are contemplating a serious relationship with a Dane. Have cultural differences between you and your husband ever been a problem? Not between the two of us, but sometimes dealing with my in-laws has been a little tricky. Mostly small things that I got used to ignoring, so they weren’t a big problem. (I’m sure they have had to ignore some things about their Australian daughter in law too). One thing I do love about expat life and Danes though: When they come to visit you ALWAYS know what to serve for lunch. The trick is trying to find rye bread in foreign places! Having said that, I have been able to find rye bread or something close to it in almost every country we have lived. How was it to date a Danish guy? Great! Well it must have been, I did marry him. I don’t think that Danish guys have any really strange characteristics that make them different from men of other nationalities. I guess if you find one that has never been out of Denmark it might be trickier.
Did you before moving here have thoughts on how the moving could challenge your relationship? Yes. This is the first time that we have lived in one of our home countries. I did wonder how dependent I would be on him for language and translation as my Danish is not fluent. My husband has had to help me out quite a bit, which I am not used to. This is mainly for things like going to the Doctor and dealing with bureaucracy. Although you can get along without learning Danish here, I think it will make things a whole lot easier. The main problem is trying to get Danes to talk to you in Danish! As soon as they hear you struggle, they switch to English, which can make it hard to learn anything.
Would you say that moving to another country affects a relationship? I think it has the potential to either make or break a relationship, it depends on the individuals concerned. In our case I think it has had a positive effect as we have really had to rely on each other and be a support network for each other, and that has been a good though not always easy thing. Many times we have moved to a new country not knowing a soul when we got there. For some people this would be the end of the relationship. We have struggled a lot at different times, but we have always managed to deal with it all. So it has been a good thing for you to come here? Absolutely. I have really enjoyed being here and seeing the children especially, settle into a “normal” life. Their Danish language skills are improving and being close to family is a huge bonus. My Danish
is also improving, and I think we are all enjoying being able to take part in some of those Danish things that my husband had growing up. Everything from Fastelavn to flodboller, to dancing around the Christmas tree.
What challenges do you think international partners face? It can be very lonely at times for the “trailing” spouse. When you relocate for your partners new job, they immediately have colleagues at work that they can talk to, ask questions of etc. The one setting up home can be very isolated and missing even general interaction with other people. Finding a job might be difficult, and in some cases is not possible at all. Having children gives an easier way to connect with the community, and get involved at school, however if you don’t have that option then you really have to get a lot more creative to sort out a new life for yourself. One time before we had children I got up, went home and left my husband to finish a 6 month contract by himself in Namibia because there was just no way I could find a way to have any kind of life there in such a short period of time.
are. Do you have good tips you would like to share with our community? The most important thing is remembering that you have to take responsibility for your own happiness. You can’t look to your partner to make you feel happy in a new place. It can also be very easy to blame your partner for the way you feel, if you are struggling. Go out and volunteer for something at school, join the tennis club or take a course to help you get a job. You are the only one that can make things better for you. There are so many emotions that come with moving to a new place. Everything from excitement, optimism, joy, to sheer terror and desperation. You are probably not the only one. Reach out to others that are strangers (or locals) in a new place and you will find that you may well make amazing friendships. Friends that you make when you travel the world must at times take the place of family and loved ones that you have left behind at home. Some of these bonds will last a lifetime and enrich your life in ways that will often surprise you.
What are the positive things for a couple moving around in the world? Where to start! The adventure, new cultures, new friends, new food, new opportunities…. if you can enjoy these things together they are a great base for helping forge a great life together. When you add children into the equation, then you are also creating amazing opportunities for them. Having said that though, not everyone thrives in this kind of environment, and you have to find you own way to be comfortable wherever you
THANKS FOR SHARING, JUDITH!