The Laughter Book - Devilishly Funny

The Laughter Book

Devilishly Funny Copyright ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

!

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CONTENTS 1. ANIMAL FARM..........................................................................................................4 2. DUMB AND DUMBER .............................................................................................10 3. POINTS TO PONDER .............................................................................................21 4. GOOD MEDICINE....................................................................................................25 5. BUREAUCRACY AND OFFICIALDOM ..................................................................42 6. THEY SAID WHAT? ................................................................................................47 7. POLITICS AS USUAL .............................................................................................77 8. LONG ARM OF THE LAW ......................................................................................82 9. THAT OLD TIME RELIGION ...................................................................................92 10. BATTLE OF THE SEXES ....................................................................................110 11. TECHNICAL HITCH ............................................................................................161 12. XENOPHOBES CORNER ...................................................................................166 13. DOUBLE ENTENDRE .........................................................................................193 14. GET ANOTHER ROUND IN ................................................................................201 15. LETS TALK ABOUT SEX…BABY......................................................................209 16. LITTLE ANGELS .................................................................................................253 17. ODDS ‘N’ SODS ..................................................................................................268 18. QUICKIES ............................................................................................................292 19. SPORTING PURSUITS .......................................................................................300 20. A TRIBUTE TO THE KING OF POP ...................................................................309

Copyright ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Animal Farm

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1. ANIMAL FARM A HORSE AND A CHICKEN A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

LEARNING ON THE FLY There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal so he flew down and ate and ate and ate. When he decided that he had eaten enough, he tried to fly away.

But he had eaten too much, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall of the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately he was wrong. The fly dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

The moral of the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

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SWEET OCTO-MUSIC A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits back down completely baffled looking.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye cannae play it, can ye?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I work out how to get its pyjamas off!"

A BALLSY HORSE A young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.

So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.

After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.

"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"

"Yeah, well how would you feel," replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"

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Dumb and Dumber

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2. DUMB AND DUMBER SHORT AND SWEET BLONDE JOKES Q: Why did the blonde snort NutraSweet?

A: She thought it was diet coke.

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Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back ---------

Q: What do a smart blonde and a UFO have in common?

A: You are always hearing about them, but you never actually see one.

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Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?

A: To avoid the draft.

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Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining. ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?

A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

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Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?

A: One's a phony buck …

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Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?

A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts …

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Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel.

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Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

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Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?

A: Air pockets.

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Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

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Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

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Points To Ponder

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3. POINTS TO PONDER AS I'VE MATURED ‌ I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

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Good Medicine

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4. GOOD MEDICINE CHEAP SEX A couple, both aged 69, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.

The Hilton charges $78.

We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare."

SOME CHEAP RESEARCH Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is.

Oxford University allocated a budget of $500,000 for research. After two years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization.

Cambridge University spent $750,000 on a research program that lasted three years.

The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent $2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end. ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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MEDICAL BREAK THROUGH One day, Pete complained to his friend Woody, "Man! My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor."

Woody said "Don't do that! There's a computer at the corner drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs 10 bucks."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with his urine sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started to flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOUR. YOU WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Pete began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer.

Giggling like a giddy teenager, he poured in the sample and deposited 10 bucks. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis: YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD. GET A WATER SOFTENER. YOUR DOG HAS RINGWORM. BATHE HIM WITH ANTI-FUNGAL SHAMPOO. YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE. PUT HER IN A REHABILITATION CLINIC. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWIN GIRLS. THEY AREN'T YOURS. GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

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Bureaucracy and Officialdom

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5. BUREAUCRACY AND OFFICIALDOM NOW HAVE A POSITION! Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."

Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."

Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."

Employer: "More than we can use already."

Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."

Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "To work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"

Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were a Project Manager, have a seat, we may have an opening."

A LITTLE OFFICE PRAYER Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the arse that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Fridays And help me to remember...

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When I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown And only 4 to extend my fingers and tell them to fuck off.

AMEN

THE PLAN In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of shit, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may endure its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying to them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

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They Said What?

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6. THEY SAID WHAT? Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard' ---------

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

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From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

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From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: This sort of thing is all too common these days."'

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From The Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan", the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.

Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying "He got what he deserved."'

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From The Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart.

Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."

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From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

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From The Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."

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From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."

An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.

After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.

Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.

An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

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Politics as Usual

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7. POLITICS AS USUAL POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK * Me and My Big Mouth * What Really Goes Down In The White House * You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President * How I Blew It In Washington * Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule * Going Back for Gore * Secret Services to the President * Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton * The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions * She's Chief of MY Staff! * Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes * Going Down and Moving Up * Members of the Presidential Cabinet * How To Get Ahead in Business I Wore What You Did Last Summer

POLITICS, POLITICS! Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.

The waiter asks: "le apperitif?"

All of them answer: "oui!"

The waiter looks at Zedillo: "Le tequila?"

Zedillo: "oui!"

The waiter looks at Yeltsin: "Le vodka?"

Yeltsin: "oui!"

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton: " Le whisky?"

Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!!!"

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The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found.

Later that day the FBI agents return. "Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's".

The President goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?" "Well no sir," says the agent, “It's the First Lady's handwriting."

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Son: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?”

Father: “Sure son, what's the question?”

Son: What is politics?”

Father: “Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand?”

Son: “I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it.”

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.

Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper; the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning: Son: “Dad, now i think i understand politics.”

Father: “That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.”

Son: “Well, dad, while management is screwing the working class the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.”

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Long Arm of the Law

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8. Long Arm of the Law COURT ROOM QUESTIONS Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

A. She is my daughter.

Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

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Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

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Q. ...and what did he do then?

A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

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Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

Q. It was covered?

A. Yes, bandaged.

Q. Then, later on ... what did you see?

A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

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Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?

A. I could see his head.

Q. And where was his head?

A. Just above his shoulders.

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Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?

A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

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Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?

A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

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Q. Are you sexually active?

A. No, I just lie there.

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Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

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Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A. It indicates intercourse.

Q. Male sperm?

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Q. (showing man picture) That's you?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

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MORE JOKES! A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

"What's going on `ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.

"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?".

"Shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"

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That Old Time Religion

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9. THAT OLD TIME RELIGION FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied "Stripper".

When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'

THE 11TH COMMANDMENT Last week there was a very important meeting between God, Moses, and several Popes. They were troubled because of the way President Bill was behaving.

They decided that it was necessary to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. The problem was how to word the contemporary addition so it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration.

After prolonged meditation and discussion, they decided on: "Thou shall not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

THE DEFINITION OF HEAVEN & HELL FROM A GLOBAL POINT OF VIEW Heaven is when you have: "American salary, Chinese food, British home and Indian wife."

Hell is when you have: "American wife, Chinese home, British food and Indian salary”.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Once upon a time in the kingdom of heaven, God went missing for seven Days and seven nights. Eventually Michael the archangel found him, and He inquired of God, "Where were you?"

God breathed in a great sigh of relief and satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look son, look what I'm after making".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?"

God replied, "It’s another planet but I’m after putting life on this one. I've named it Earth and there’s going to be great balance between everything on it".

“For example, there’s North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them – that’s going to be a hot spot.

Now look over here, I’ve put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south.

Then the archangel said, "… and what’s that green dot there?"

"Ahhh" replied God "that’s Ireland - that’s a very special place, that’s going to be the most glorious place on Earth, beautiful mountains, lakes rivers streams and an exquisite coast line. These people are going to be great craic and they’re going to be found travelling the world.”

“They’ll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I’m going to give them this black liquid which they’re gong to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the world to imbibe.”

Michael the archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the balance, you said there was going to be a balance...."

God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the fuckers I’m putting next to them."

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Battle of the Sexes

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10. Battle of the Sexes LOOKING AFTER THE POSTMAN Did you hear about the postman who was surprised one morning on his rounds when the lady of the house invited him in?

She served him a delicious breakfast, and then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled, but went along out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, and so he did that too. But when he realized it was time to finish his rounds, he had to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go.

This was too much for the poor man, and he asked her: "Lady, what is going on? First you feed me a delicious breakfast, and as if that isn't enough, you invite me to make love to you and we have a terrific time together. And now you want to pay me?! What IS this, anyway?"

So she explained proudly: "Well, you know Christmas is coming, and I told my husband I wanted to do something nice for the postman, who is so faithful about delivering our mail all year.

My husband said, 'Fuck the postman! Give him a dollar!'...But the breakfast was my idea!"

WOMEN’S ENGLISH vs. MEN’S ENGLISH WOMEN'S ENGLISH: ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic, turn out the lights = I don't want to be reminded that I have flabby thighs

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! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you how deep I am, then maybe you'll agree to have sex ! Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with anyone else ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

RULES BLOKES WISH WOMEN KNEW: 1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your Fat arse in a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the fucker down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present...again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Anyone can buy condoms.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Technical Hitch

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11. TECHNICAL HITCH LOOK OUT FOR THESE COMPUTER VIRUSES!!!

Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Lorena Bobbit virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards through windows.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files.

Titanic virus (a strain of Lewinski virus): Your whole computer goes down.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.

Viagra virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Clinton virus: gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

A MODERN VALENTINE Here's the modern version of The Birds and the Bees A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"

You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive. ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"

DEAR TECH SUPPORT Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly previously.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and MLB 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate ******************************************** Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 again.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that could possibly create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Xenophobes Corner

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There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman * 2 French men and 1 French woman * 2 German men and 1 German woman * 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman * 2 English men and 1 English woman * 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman * 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman * 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman...

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"...

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery.

They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

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THEY DID WHAT? Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Jerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem".

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Jerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Jerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look loike grand place, eh?" says Jerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Jerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first,eh Paddy?" says Jerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me" ======= PART TWO ======= A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Jerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrot shooting nider"

! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Double Entendre

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13. DOUBLE ENTENDRE THE SMITHS The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.

People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er.., um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

DADDY, WHAT IS SEX? An eight-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Get Another Round In

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14. GET ANOTHER ROUND IN YOUR TURN There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."

The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

A TEXAN IN A PUB A Texan walks into O'Malley's pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother fuckers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".

The room is quiet and no one takes the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them back-toback.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "To O'Halloran's Pub down the street to see if I could do it".

! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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THE BIKER BAR A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER: £ 2.00 HAMBURGER: £2.25 CHEESEBURGER: £2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: £3.50 HAND JOB: £50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger".

! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Lets Talk About Sex…Baby

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15. LETS TALK ABOUT SEX‌BABY 10 QUICK ONES A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.

He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Little Angels

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16. LITTLE ANGELS BIG WORDS The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on not baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Shit."

PERIOD The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

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"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

TALKING OVARIES What did one ovary say to the other ovary?

"Did you order any furniture?"

No. "Well there's a couple of nuts trying to bring an organ in here!"

STUPID QUESTION A guy comes home from work one day and finds his wife doing it furiously with another man. "What the fuck are you doing?" he screams.

His wife looks over her shoulder and says to the other guy, "See, I told you he was stupid."

VASELINE There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Odds ‘n’ Sods

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17. ODDS ‘N’ SODS !

ANAGRAMS AND OTHER TURNS OF PHRASE An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.

Dormitory = Dirty Room Evangelist = Evil's Agent Desperation =A Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here Come Dots Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em Animosity = Is No Amity Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness = Genuine Class Semolina = Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Contradiction = Accord not in it Princess Diana = Ascend in Paris PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA = TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." = "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." = "Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

BUMPER STICKER SERIES ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

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! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

CINDERELLA Cinderella was sat in the garden sobbing when the fairy godmother appeared.

"Why are you crying?" she asked.

"The King is having a ball and I am unable to attend" Cinderella replied through her tears.

"Why ever not?" asked the fairy godmother.

"I have nothing to wear!" she replied.

The fairy godmother picked up a sack of coal and emptied out the contents then 'poof', the empty sack was turned into a beautiful gown.

"You can go now,� said the fairy godmother. ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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"I still cannot go,� sobbed cinders, "the ball is so far away I couldn't possibly walk all that way!"

The fairy godmother went into the kitchen and came out with a pumpkin, the cat and a couple of dead mice from traps then 'poof', there was a stagecoach with horses.

"You can go now my sweet child" she said.

"But I still can't go!" sobbed Cinders, "You see, it is that time of the month for me and I have nothing to use and will ruin my frock!"

The fairy godmother waves her wand at a telegraph pole and 'poof', a tampon appears.

"There, now at last you can go," she said, "but for fucks sake be home by twelve!"

A ONE-LINER A DAY KEEPS PROMOTION AT BAY 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and retarded world-view.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

5. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

6. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

7. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

8. How about never? Is never good for you?

9. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

10. Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day? ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Quickies

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18. QUICKIES ROD HULL AND EMU Q/What have Rod Hull and the European Commission got in common?

A/Neither will have a hand in EMU anymore!

Q/Why doesn't Emu need Viagra?

A/His Rod is now permanently stiff...

Q/What does Rod Hull do his washing with?

A/Aerial and bounce Q/Did you hear about Rod Hull's funeral?

A/The reception was awful Q/What have Rod Hull and Emu got in common?

A/Neither of them can fly

VANESSA Following a major police clampdown on drugs, BBC star Vanessa Feltz has been arrested and taken in for questioning. Apparently police officers found four and a half kilos of crack in her knickers.

VALENTINES DAY CARDS – From a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

1. Thought that I could love no other That is until I met your brother.

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch!

A QUICK INTERLUDE I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?'

'Tourettes, now fuck off!', I said.

NOW, BACK TO THE QUESTIONS Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A. Money ! 2009 The Laughter Book – Devilishly Funny

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Sporting Pursuits

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19. SPORTING PURSUITS BRITISH FOOTBALL CHANTS Apparently this was the chant to Lord of the Dance tune at Man United: "Park, Park, Where-ever you may be You eat dogs in your home country But it could be worse - You could be a scouse, eating rats in your council house"

(To the tune of The Addams Family) by fans visiting Norwich: "Your sister is your mother, your uncle is your brother, you all fuck one another, The Norwich family der der der der clap clap etc

Newcastle fans towards Sunderland fans. ''Going down, going down, going down" Sunderland fans reply...

"So are we, so are we , so are we ".

"Where's your real dad, where's your real dad!?"

Charlton fans to Shaun Wright-Philips

Toon fans to JF Hasselbaink (he even laughed!): "You're just a fat Eddie Murphy"

(To the tune of Craig David - Rewind): "VAN PER-SIE, WHEN A GIRL SAYS NO - MOLEST HER" To Graham Rix when he was released from prison after being convicted for, well, you know... (To the Manic Street Preachers song): "If you tolerate RIX, then your children will be next"

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Don't blame it on the Biscan, Don't blame it on the Hamann, Don't blame it on the Finnan, Blame it on Traore, He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet.

He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet.

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams" Celtic fans to Andy Goram after its revealed the chubby keeper was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

BED GOLF, RULES OF PLAY 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival.

Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

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A Tribute to the King of Pop

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20. A TRIBUTE TO THE KING OF POP Confirmation just through Michael Jackson is believed to have died from food poisoning after eating 12-year-old nuts Michael Jackson passed away this morning from a massive heart attack. Authorities have released a statement saying that they will melt his body down and make plastic toys so kids can play with him for a change, McDonalds have named a tribute burger after Michael Jackson "the Mick Jackson" it has 50 yr old meat between two 10 yr old buns The autopsy is set to provide unprecedented insight, including the comment by the coroner that it would be first time on record that Michael was stiff in the presence of adults

Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder to Michael Jackson Fans ..... . .. . . . ... .. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. .. .. . . .. ... ... .. ... ... ... ... ... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. . .. . . . .. . . . .. ... . .... ... .... .... ... ...... .... .... .... ..... .... ..... .. . . .... .... . .. . . . .. . . . ... ....... ... ... ... .. ... ...... ... .. .... ... ... .... .... . .. .. . .. .... .. . . . . . .. .. . .. .. .... .. ... ... ....... ..... .....

I cried when I read this bit ". .. .... .. ..."

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This humour does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or any of my pets that I may or may not own; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; humour is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities for damages caused by laughing; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke employer; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorised joke service centre; read at your own risk; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text used in these jokes is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial colour or flavour added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a humourologist; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; this disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorised repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, airplane crash, ship sinking, leaky roof, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, broken glass, flying projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.

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