[New] TACKLING TODDLER TANTRUMS

By Sarah Ockwell-Smith

The ‘terrible twos’ aren’t called that for nothing! This stage of a child’s life is all about big feelings. Scientifically, it relates to the undeveloped prefrontal brain cortex which means the child is unable to regulate their own emotions. What most of us refer to as a tantrum is an expression of pure frustration.

What is a tantrum?

Despite frequently being referred to as ‘toddler tantrums,’ they can happen at any age, right into adulthood. Tantrums describe the state of an individual who is out of control, full of big emotions and stress hormones and unable to calm themselves down. As adults with fully developed brains we have to learn to manage our emotions, calm ourselves down or rather self soothe.

Toddlers don’t possess these skills; not yet anyway. They are not being naughty or manipulative, they are simply being toddlers. Tantrums are a normal and exceedingly common feature of child development. Research has found that nearly nine in ten children between 18 months and 2 years regularly have tantrums, with most having at least one a day, lasting on average between thirty and sixty seconds (although it is not uncommon for them to occur far more frequently and last for much longer).

‘No’ to the naughty step

Contrary to popular belief, ignoring, shaming or punishing tantrums can make a toddler’s behaviour much worse. These approaches ignore a child’s difficult underlying feelings and don’t resolve the cause or help the toddler regulate their behaviour. Experts have discovered just how much infant brains are affected by the level of parental care they receive. With nurturing attention, the part of their brains responsible for regulating emotion become better connected as they grow. If toddlers are constantly sat on naughty steps, sent for time outs, punished or ignored when they are perceived to be ‘naughty,’ in the long term they will lack the neurological maturity that develops as a result of empathy and guidance.

Bion’s theory of containment

In the 1960s, an English psychoanalyst named Wilfred Bion introduced his idea of using containment when children are not yet able to manage their feelings alone. The concept describes the way parents or primary caregivers hold space for a children’s big, difficult feelings. When a child expresses anger, frustration or anxiety during a tantrum, an adult reflects calmness, control and regulation, helping the child to become calmer. Importantly, the child feels safe and understood.

Practical steps

You cannot stop tantrums. And they are not a sign of poor parenting. Keep in mind that they are a normal, passing stage of child development, caused by immature brain development. In time your toddler will grow out of them. Until then understanding and a lot of patience is the best way forward.

• Try to identify and reduce triggers to prevent tantrums where you can. This might be when your child is hungry, doesn’t want to share their favourite toy or walk a single step more.

• Keep the toddler (and others) safe during the tantrum. If you can, move to a quieter space with your child. Stay calm and hold your boundary; supporting and nurturing isn’t about giving in.

• Help your toddler to calm down once the tantrum is over. Distraction can be a good technique, pointing them towards something more pleasant to focus on.

• The best way to show care during tantrums is to mirror calmness yourself. Easier said than done in a supermarket aisle admittedly but the rewards will be there in the long term.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith is the author of Beginnings, a book published by Piatkus, which offers a guide to child psychology and development for parents of children ages 0 to 5.

Who’s in charge?

Well, as the parent or carer, you are responsible for all the big decisions around bedtime, meal time and the day’s activities. Your developing child may have other ideas, however:

Q. My toddler’s favourite words at the moment are ‘me do it.’

If I don’t let her do whatever it is, then she has a huge tantrum. What can we do?

A. Toddlers really struggle with a desire for independence and an innate drive for autonomy. It’s all part of growing up and learning to be confident without you, which is a good thing in the long term. As important as it is, it’s also incredibly frustrating! The answer is to offer your toddler as much control as possible over areas of her life where it’s age appropriate. For instance, allowing her to choose her own clothes in the morning, letting her direct her own play and giving her choices at mealtimes. The more control she is given by you, the less she will feel frustrated and tantrum.