When friendships go wrong
By Clare Cogan
Friendships can be a challenge throughout our lives; from our own school playground days to when we’re back there as parents. Late primary school age often brings significant shifts in friendships. If your child has been in a ‘group’ or has a ‘best friend,’ you might observe fall outs which can include exclusions from invitations and activities. These ever-shifting sands can lead to tears, sleepless nights and worries. It’s time to help your tween navigate some of these trickier times and support them. Part of building that all-important resilience in life is to help them deal with and learn from difficult times. You are their guiding light in this regard. Take a moment.... and a step back. The drama itself is easy to get embroiled in, especially if you are friends with the parents whose children are involved. Despite the temptation, texting or picking up the phone to discuss the issue is not always helpful and can be counterproductive. As children start to move towards transition to secondary school, we need to give them the tools and resources to cope with friendship challenges, not always step in and sort it out ourselves. Be aware that some of what might be happening may trigger memories of your own experiences at school which may not be directly related to your child’s issue. This often happened with me when we had challenges with our boys and friendships. My inner lioness would spark off straight away in response to these issues based on my own childhood challenges. Use your own experiences of difficult friendships or times when you have moved away from friends and made new ones to help your children understand that it is okay for things to change. Children love stories, no matter what age they are and yours will help them realise
they are not alone, even when it feels like they are. This sharing can carry more weight than just reassuring them that things will ‘get better.’
Know that it is not okay for your child to be on the receiving end of these remarks, even though they are difficult to challenge. They can chip away at a child’s self-esteem and confidence. Helping your
young person to become aware of this behaviour and how it can affect them can also be a powerful tool to support them in navigating tricky friendships.
Spend time helping them to think about what they value in friendship, such as honesty, kindness, trustworthiness. Talk about why others choose them to be their friend and point to what makes a good friend when times are tough.
What is a frenemy? This is probably the most useful term I ever learnt as an adult! A frenemy is a ‘friend’ who can flip between being kind and caring, inclusive and supportive, to being disparaging, critical and unkind. It is the friend where you never really know where you stand. If you challenge their unkindness, put downs or insults, they will usually respond with: ‘I'm just joking,’ ‘I can say that to you because you’re my friend,’ ‘You’re being over-sensitive' or other similar responses including that over-used and dishonest current cop-out: ‘It’s just banter,’ which appear to excuse their behaviour. As the saying goes, with friends like these, who needs enemies?
Clare Cogan is a teenage anxiety specialist and author who works with parents and their teens to help them understand how their mind affects their mood. More information at www.clarecogan.com
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Email: editor@familiestvw.co.uk
Families Thames Valley West • 11
