SINGLE PARENTING

SINGLE

parenting

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, WRITES CHRISTY HERSELMAN

Most stay-athome moms of small kids know this feeling; it has been a long day with only toddlers for company, the floor is strewn with Lego and Oaties, you can’t remember if you even brushed your teeth this morning, your two-year-old is ugly crying because you cut his snack wrong, and you can’t decide whether your feverish baby has the common cold or needs to be hospitalised.

And then your husband walks through the door. You hand him the crying baby and begin to share all your frustrations and concerns while you sip your first hot cup of tea (or cold glass of wine) of the day. Suddenly things are a little easier, the load a little lighter and this parenting thing seems possible again.

But what if there is no spouse or partner to walk through the door? What if it is just you? There is no one coming to take over baby duty or help you negotiate with the tantrum-throwing toddler.

What if all the decisions are on you, and there isn’t someone else to share the load?

For single parents, this is the reality.

If you think it gets easier when the kids get older, what about being the only one to wait up to fetch them from a party? Struggling not just to pay for school fees, but also extra maths lessons, cricket coaching and sports tours?

Single parents often feel overwhelmed because they are mom and dad, disciplinarian and comforter, lift club and homework club.

They often feel lonely, not having a spouse to go through struggles with or even just for adult company.

They often feel judged and inadequate, constantly trying to keep up and thinking they are getting it all wrong.

If they share custody, they have to be two different people – one week a single, one week a full-time parent. Saying goodbye is heartbreaking every time. They feel anxious when their child is at their ex’s – a home with different rules, different people and different expectations they have no control over.

Being a single parent is never easy, and if it takes a village to raise a child, how can we be the village to those around us parenting solo, especially over the Christmas season? I asked four experts (aka two single dads and two single moms). Here are some of the gems they shared with me: • Invite us to join you for outings in public places which would be too hard for one parent: a day at the beach or night at the movies. • Many single parents work fulltime and need help with kids during the holidays. Offer to take our kids for an hour or two while we work, so we can do our Christmas shopping or run the errands we usually have to drag them to. • Don’t judge. The story is more complicated than you know, and we are doing the best we can. • Don’t say things like, “It must be nice to get a weekend off.” We dread that weekend when we don’t have our kids and often don’t know what to do with ourselves. • Men, offer to help single moms with hard things like popped tyres, opening mayo jars and throwing a ball. Ladies, offer to help single dads with things they don’t know how to do, like taking his daughter shopping or for a pedi, baking biscuits or helping create a dress-up costume ... things that single parents don’t have help with from a partner anymore. • We often feel like we don’t fit in with “the married crowd” and we really need to feel like we belong. Invite us to your braai, your family dinner or to a playdate with your kids. Visit us. The holidays can be extra-lonely.

So as our homes fill up with family for the holidays, let’s stop and think about those who are parenting alone and don’t have the support we have over this time.

As one of my favourite sayings goes, “When you have more than you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.” *

Scan this QR code to find out more about Christy Herselman and her culture-shaping movement The Chat!