Satire-in-brief

SATIRE-IN-BRIEF SATIRE-IN-BRIEF

Written by The Satire Team

Wayne Carey still not fired

Latest reports reveal that, against all odds, Wayne Carey will still get his creepy mug aired on Channel 7. Refusing to follow in the footsteps of 3AW and the Nine Network, Channel 7 has decided to turn a blind eye this Women’s History Month, urging viewers to keep calm and Carey on!

—Laura Bishop

University assignment is super clear and instructions totally make sense

University subject coordinator Dr Claire Consignes made the radical decision last week to create an assignment task that avoided deliberately vague and contradictory language in the task instructions.

However, Consignes added that she was only experimenting with different approaches to assignment instructions and would likely revert to her old ways.

—James Gordon

Public outcry as Federal Government announces return of the “lost” hour

“An hour doesn’t just disappear. Where does it go? What does the government do with it before we get it back? Why is QLD allowed to keep their hour?” asked concerned citizen Roger Biscuit, who called in to 3AW’s breakfast talkback radio show this past Tuesday.

—Raina Shauki

Victorian Liberal Party invites Giuliani to become leader in bid to restore party’s credibility

In a surprise move, the Mafia has rescinded its longstanding contract against Giuliani on compassionate grounds. A spokesman for the Mafia said that “Giuliani is clearly doing more damage to himself than we could ever manage”.

—Josh Abbey

USA charged USD$35 Million for Dance Pole to Hell

Lil Nas X has billed the US Government for the pole he used to spiral down to Hell in his video for ‘MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)’.

“I’m charging the government only for the part of the pole that goes into the Earth—just the last 4000 miles,” Lil Nas X said. “The government should consider this a steal.”

—Rowan Burridge Local woman makes brave decision to switch from almond to oat milk

Despite clearly being the best tasting alternative milk, almond milk has recently come under fire for its wildly water-intensive farming process. As oat milk continually increases in popularity, scientists are left pondering what is left on Earth to be milked.

—Raina Shauki

Teen reeling from The Wiggles’ “Like A Version” insists the only way to reach equilibrium is Tame Impala covering “Fruit Salad”

“It was transcendent,” said Marvin of Fitzroy. “But it leaves this huge gap in the whole yin-yang of everything… the balance is like, way off.”

Tune in to triple j next week for Play School’s cover of Ariana Grande’s ‘positions’.

—Laura Bishop

Morrison punishes Ministers by giving them easier jobs

Morrison was also questioned over the suitability of new Attorney-General Michaelia Cash. The PM said that Cash’s previous failure to supply the AFP with a witness statement demonstrated the in-depth legal knowledge required to be a Liberal Attorney-General.

—Josh Abbey

Local woman infuriates Tinder match by saying her favourite Bon Iver song is “Exile”

“Of course it’s my favourite song—Taylor Swift is in it,” she said to the yellow-beanie-wearing man. “But then he went on a ten-minute hate rant about Taylor and the gentrification of indie music...”

The pair are set to have their first date at a bar next week… but you probably haven’t heard of it.

—Ella McCartney

Satire coordinators give satire team more than three days to write headlines

In a remarkable feat of organisational skills and communication, the satire coordinators at Farrago have given their team more than two weeks’ notice to churn out comedy material. The Guinness World Records committee has been in touch.

*Satire Coordinators’ Note* Okay bucko, listen here. We had a record number of submissions from the satire team this edition. Proof is in the pudding—diamonds (and lots of ‘em) are forged under pressure.

—James Gordon

Law student promises themselves they’ll be happy once they finish their degree, get a job, retire etc.

“I just need to complete my degree, and then I’ll be able to enjoy all the spoils of a career in a high-stakes, mentally taxing, physically depleting industry like law and/or politics,” disclosed one young Juris Doctor student (23) between triple-shot long blacks. —Sweeney Preston

Arts student considering transferring to commerce after making a $20 profit through Depop

A local uni student is feeling rich after somehow making $20 selling her old clothes from 2007. “They’re vintage now,” she gloated. “I just marketed it as ‘Y2K’ and someone bought it.”

Her other listings include “vintage ‘normal people scare me’ shirt” and “green button-up jacket, as seen on Bella Swan in Twilight.”

—Ella McCartney

High maintenance friend needs to get your opinion on something REALLY important as SOON as you see this message, babe

“So, you know cinnamon-donut-boy? From the bar last Saturday? Ok. So he liked my photo exactly an hour after I posted it. Why not 59 minutes? Why not 61? He’s trying to give me a hint,” said your friend in the first of 13, one-minute-long voice messages.

—Sweeney Preston

“Seven weeks is only 840 20-minute sections until this semester is over,” says student with no real concept of time

“Only seven weeks remaining. That means 35 school days, which is the same as eight hours or four slots of only just two hours each.”

They were observed with their tongue hanging slightly out of their mouth, in deeper concentration than for any actual assignment thus far. —Janvi Sikand

Report just in: Empty feeling in soul not alleviated by most recent online purchase

A local compulsive shopper is still feeling the existential void despite making a series of bad shopping decisions. Although it is reported there was an inordinate amount of money spent on material items—everything from bags to homewares—the listlessness remains strong this time. More to follow.

—Charlotte Armstrong

Local woman completes one small task, rewards self with four-day break

“Alright, finally sent the email. Wow, I’ve really got this whole adulting thing down pat!”

The woman was last seen playing Hades on Nintendo Switch for over eight hours straight.

— Charlotte Armstrong Wiggles hint at imminent goth punk album with new single “Wake Jeff Up Inside”

The song will feature Lachlan on screamo vocals,

Anthony playing a flaming electric guitar, Emma on drums using two sticks of dynamite as drumsticks, and Simon on a bass guitar completely covered in spikes, almost to the point of unplayability. —Sweeney Preston

Entirely unimpressive acquaintance says they’re worried they’ll make it into one of your satire headlines

“Oh, you write satire articles? That’s so cool, haha. You better not write one about me!” warned the fairly typical tute comrade. Clearly unaware they’d provided insufficient material for a headline, the oblivious associate carried on with their day. Oh wait...

—Sweeney Preston

Biden-Harris administration reaches 75,000 Fitbit step goal for ninth week in a row

White House social media staff have been hard at work ensuring the public is made fully aware of their presidential endeavours by continually posting pictures and slo-mo videos of the pair taking long, healthy strides down the marble corridors.

The winner gets a pizza party; the loser has to free one child from a cage at the border. The stakes are high!

—Janvi Sikand

Ever Given captain who got ship stuck in Suez Canal revealed to be 18-yearold P-plater named Jayden

“Stay off the roads, it’s J-dog time,” Jayden captioned in his most recent Facebook post—a photo of him holding a red P-plate outside VicRoads in Colac.

Jayden was quoted as being “gutted” after losing a staggering 14 million demerit points over the incident. VicRoads has informed Jayden his licence will be suspended for the next 9482 years, but he is free to reapply after that time.

—Sweeney Preston

Breaking: Sibling who got a tattoo dethrones cousin with multiple piercings for the title of “Worst Grandkid”

This just in: the rankings for ‘Worst Grandkid’—as voted by the Grandparents Guild (G.G.)—have shifted dramatically this week in the wake of a new tattoo. This level of upset hasn’t been seen since the Great Dye Job Incident of ‘17.

—Charlotte Armstrong

Mass panic as shoppers recognise each other in-store

A Melbourne student has started an online petition to ban friendly chat in grocery stores altogether. “I just can’t do it again,” they wrote in an anonymous testimonial. “I’m not strong enough.”

—Rowan Burridge