Elisia Magazine Issue 8: Welcome to the #YOUniversity

10 LIFE SKILLS PARENTS SHOULD TEACH THEIR CHILDREN October 2015

Welcome to

#YOUniversity True stories about what it really takes to keep discovering who you are.

Racism & Religion

WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT

STEM?

POINT COUNTERPOINT

Passion

AIN’T EASY

WE SIT DOWN WITH THE TALENTED

GABRIELLE McBAY

Produced by: The Zoe Communications Agency ZoeSaysHello.com Editor-In-Chief Feleceia Benton Senior Editor Arian Augustus Graphic Designer Mary Claire Becan ElisiaMagazine.com

FROM THE EDITOR

FELECEIA BENTON | EDITOR - IN - CHIEF

#YOUniversity

is ugly, tedious, gritty work that doesn’t look anything like the pretty packaged product we get to show to the world. But the beauThis magazine. This very publication. This article that you may or may not read. It’s all tiful and amazing thing about women like you and me is that we don’t let the crap that very hard. comes our way detour us from pursuing our It takes time, energy, dedication and effort purpose, full out, no holds barred. We screw to make this thing work, none of which we up. We get up. Then we reflect and do it all are compensated for, all of which we’re just over again. And we’re all the better for it. crossing our fingers will pay off in the long So, here are a few kindly words of wisdom run. Truth is, we don’t know if it will or if it won’t. But for some reason, we are holding that I bet every member of our staff could on to the fact that what we have to say ac- agree upon that we learned from creating tually matters, and that what we have to say this beautiful issue of Elisia Magazine: somehow counts to a few other humans in 1. Give yourself some room to screw up. A the world. lot. The space allows you the freedom to This particular issue is about four months in forgive yourself and try again quickly. the making instead of our regular two. Life 2. You will miss some steps, miss some happened, so our plans got completely people, miss some deadlines, miss some knocked over and thrown by the wayside. money, miss some meals, miss some sleep.

We’ve made the commitment, however, to And all of that is OK. not be accountable to you until we could learn to be accountable to ourselves - that 3. Journey with others who believe in the same things you do. They make the path far basically means that we don’t ask people for money until we get our ish right. We’ve more colorful, a heck of a lot more interestalso made the commitment to not put crap ing, and much easier to endure. into the world, because the world doesn’t 4. Go to bed sometimes. The work and the need anymore crap. mission will still be there tomorrow. And if you’re not there to meet it, someone else Being knocked over, taken off guard, will. thrown by the wayside, abandoning plans — that’s what this issue is all about. The Welcome to the #YOUniversity. journey to creating a better version of you This is hard.

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ELISIAMAGAZINE.COM 6 // Shante McCoy

18 // Arian Augustus

8 // Charnese Evans

20 // Arian Augustus

10 // Ivy N. McQuain

26 // Mandy Rausch

11 // Kelly Cousins

28 // Mekeisha Steele

12 // Ivy N. McQuain

30 // Cheryl Rischer

HATERS OR HELPERS

WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT STEM? THE FEAR OF SUCCESS

THE ONLY THING I KNOW A WHISPER TO THE PAST ME

14 // Tracy R. Williams THE REALITY OF RACISM

16 // Feleceia Benton

BECAUSE HE CAME FOR THE OPPOSITE OF HIM

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The Bachelor Pad

Shamar Willis takes on Tinder

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Taste At Home

Make Black Bean Tostadas with Yolonda Tuck

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Style That

with Nikki Hurd

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October 2015

ALPHA AND OMEGA A SUBTLE SHIFT

THE WIND IN MY SAILS LEGACY BY EXAMPLE

10 LIFE SKILLS PARENTS SHOULD TEACH THEIR CHILDREN

32 // Cheryl Rischer

WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

33 // Cherish Love Robinson LESSONS IN UNCERTAINTY

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT We pick the brain of Personal Chef and Food Stylist, Gabrielle McBay

CONTRIBUTORS CONTRIBUTORS

arian augustus

nikki hurd

jamie snow

rachel proctor

cheryl skinner rischer

kristen guillory

mekeisha steele

mari sanchez maldonado

mandy rausch

tracy williams

cherish robinson

ivy mcquain

jessica vaughn

feleceia benton

shante mccoy

yolonda tuck

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EDUCATION

Shante McCoy How many times has a friend or co­w orker said something to you and you thought, “He just doesn’t know me” or “She is just jealous” or “They’re haters”? Hand raised, I am definitely guilty. People want you to be real until you’re real and say something they don’t like. No matter how confident and secure you are, it’s difficult to hear something negative about yourself.

I remember the first time I was called into my principal’s office. Now, I am very secure in my ability to lead a classroom. My students are well behaved, they excel academically and they are loved. So, there was no apprehension as I walked into her office. I was, however, surprised to see our reading coach sitting next to an empty chair that I assumed was for me. I sat down.

My principal started out by saying that I was a good teacher and a team player. My parents’ have good things to say about me, and I hard-

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ly ever sent a student to the office, but there was an issue. Then the reading coach chimed in, “Ms. McCoy, I’ve been in your room several times and your students are quiet, sitting at their desks and working. You are very organized and I noticed that at recess you hold one hand up and your students just come running.”

I was thinking to myself, “All true!” I was peacock proud of my students for being so well behaved while I was being observed. My hard work was finally being recognized!

Then my principal said that was the issue. She said, “Ms. McCoy your students are five years old. You teach kindergarten. There should be noise. Things out of place. You know, organized chaos. You are treating them like they are college students. You need to loosen up.”

WHAT?!?!

I knew her mouth was moving, but I did not understand any of the words that were coming out. I could not believe that, I, the Kinder extraordinaire, was being chastised for doing a great job. What teacher wants chaos, noise, and students talking and playing? That was not my idea of a good classroom.

So, as the consummate professional that I am, I thanked them for their feedback and their time and left the office. I walked to the playground, held up my right hand and within two minutes my class was lined up and back in my room working quietly. I leaned back in my chair and thought to myself, “Haters! They just don’t know me and how I roll in my classroom. And I bet the reading coach is just scared I will take her job!”

But when I thought about it a little more, I came to the conclusion that taking offense to an

otherwise benign situation may be a trigger for self-reflection.

When receiving feedback or criticism I use the “sort, save, sift and change” exercise. You know what a colander is, right? The kitchen utensil used to drain liquid while retaining the solids?

Well, the same thing that happens to cooked pasta is the same thing I do with critiques, criticism and feedback.

Now, for this exercise to be beneficial you MUST remove your emotions and be TRUE to yourself.

Before I begin, I seek spiritual guidance and I pray, “Lord show me, ME.” And He does. And sometimes it is not a pretty picture. So, let me show you how all of this worked using this particular situation:

Sort, Save, Sift and Change Sort

sift

After I prayed, the first thing I did was ask myself some questions. Was my class set up for my comfort or for that of my students?

Was I the one who liked it nice, quiet and organized? Was that really fair to my students?

I wanted my students to be happy and not just compliant.

My students gave me some great feedback.

Yes, I still believed that I should have high expectations for my students. But, I also made sure to incorporate some time during the day for them to be 5 year olds and add a little life to my room.

Save

change

My principal and reading coach were not really haters. They knew I was a good teacher but they wanted me to be even better. So, I decided that I would talk to my students and ask them what things they would like to change in the classroom.

I updated the reading area and added a play center. I brought in Legos, trucks, old cell phones, and even some old clothes for dress up. I also rearranged my room and allowed my students to sit in groups so that they could collaborate.

Now that I’ve taken a leap of faith in my career and I’m doing things on my own, I’ve received some naysayers and criticisms. By being self-reflective and using the “sort, save, sift and change” exercise, I’ve become aware of things that could be holding me back and I’ve been able to find creative solutions.

The next time you receive some criticism or feedback, I challenge you to self reflect, sort through what they’ve said, save what is true, sift through the rest and make a change so that you can become your best self! em

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THE GENIUS FILES

What’s the BIG DEAL about

STEM? Charnese Evans

THERE’S THIS BUZZWORD FLOATING AROUND WITH TEACHERS AND SCHOOL ADMINISTRATORS that you may or may not have heard about. It’s called “STEM” which stands for Science, Technology, Engineering and Math and it’s gaining momentum nationwide as more school districts embrace this holistic learning paradigm.

We all had to take math and science in school right?

You may even have known some nerdy kids that took media technology or computer classes. Yet even though math and science have always been core subjects, STEM is still a fairly new concept in the world of education as it combines the four subjects together into one cohesive education curriculum so that each subject incorporates elements of the others. And the real “BIG DEAL” is very simple: STEM field careers are where the jobs of the future are.

STEM innovations are everywhere and we are all regular consumers and beneficiaries of the advances made in these fields over the last century. We are greedy consumers of technology, aren’t we? We want more apps, more speed, bigger and better!

In order to keep up with the demand, our STEM workforce will have to grow substantially in the next

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few years. In a report released by STEMconnector.org, by the end of this decade there will be almost nine million STEM related jobs that will need to be filled; these projected jobs will be in Computing (71%), Engineering (16%), Physical Sciences (7%), Life Sciences (4%) and Mathematics (2%). Not to mention that many STEM career fields tend to pay higher wages than non­STEM careers. This is all great news for future American employers, job seekers and our future economy!

Yes! Unfortunately, research shows that American children are increasingly lagging behind other countries in STEM field educational achievement. The U.S. Department of Education reports that we rank 25th in Math and 17th in Science among industrialized nations. Not to mention that only 16% of high school seniors are competent in math. On top of that, there is a big disparity between boys and girls pursuing STEM career paths. A recent study published by the National Center for Education Statistics showed that only 14% of girls versus 33% of boys were considering a STEM major. This trend translates into our current working population in which women represent about 46% of the U.S. workforce but

hold only 25% of STEM jobs. And the achievement gap between White, Asian and other children of color in STEM is even greater. The same study mentioned above found that almost 42% of Asian students were considering a STEM major vs 24.8% of Whites, 19.8% of Hispanics and 15.5% of African Americans.

Studies suggest that there will be nine million STEM-related jobs by 2020.

Let’s be honest, if we continue on this path the U.S. will not have enough skilled workers to place into the projected 9 million jobs, and major corporations will continue to look overseas for a better trained workforce. If the U.S. wants to stay competitive and remain a leader in technological innovation, our youth have to be prepared to move into STEM career fields. This means that our education system must include strong STEM curriculums and increase participation of girls and children of color through outreach and creative programming.

Now for some good news! The federal government understands the importance of STEM education on our nation’s future and is taking steps to bridge the gap. In 2011, The National Science and Technology Council (NSTC) created The Committee on Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math Education (CoSTEM) to develop a 5 year strategic plan (among other things) to address the nation’s need to prepare our children to move into STEM careers.

The National Center for Education Statistics reports that only 14% of girls versus 33% of boys are considering pursuing STEM majors.

CoSTEM’s strategic plan was released in 2013 and includes these five priority areas:

1. Improve STEM instruction 2. Increase and sustain youth and public engagement in STEM 3. Enhance STEM experience of Undergraduate students 4. Better serve groups historically underrepresented in STEM fields 5. Design graduate education for tomorrow’s STEM workforce CoSTEM’s strategic plan is a great step in the right direction. I’ll be curious to see how they put it into action.em

If you’re interested in learning more about STEM careers check out this great report from the STEM Education Coalition.

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COMMUNITY the

FEAR SUCCESS of

Ivy N. McQuain Far too often in my life I have ignored my own accomplishments and talents just to live in the comfort of my lack of trying.

I say lack of trying because I knew that if I tried, even with a thought, then I would be further along than where I am. I knew that if I picked up the phone, answered an email, wrote an article ­anything other than ignoring that I was wallowing in nothingness ­I could actually live beyond my greatness.

Have you ever lived like that? Trying but not giving your all?

Living just to make it but never living in the “I’ve made it” moment?

I have and I do. I can give you a list of unnecessary reasons for my lack of trying, like “I am too busy” or “I am a mother and that comes first” or “No one in Dallas really supports, so why bother?” My list, like yours may be, is sometimes endless because I often lack the confidence and belief that I can truly be good at being successful. There I said it.

I ran from success for 17 years of my life because I never truly saw what success was growing up. I did, however, see my mother work tirelessly to provide for my brother and I. We experienced homelessness. We were subjected to spending the night in cars, sleeping on lawn chairs in folks’ basements or living in a motel.

My mother worked hard but we still lived in lack sometimes, so I never grew accustomed to familiarizing myself with success because there was no point. Hard times were my friend and my comfort. I knew that trying either sometimes or not at all would

“

give me a reason to complain about my circumstances.

Now at 36, I have welcomed lack back into my life and, honestly, I realize that I have introduced it to my sons as well. My oldest, a top student, gave up on his desires to go to Purdue University when we lost our apartment and abruptly had to move. He stopped trying and just barely graduated high school over the summer with a 3.6 GPA. He started college only to later drop out.

And let’s not talk about my youngest son who is an amazing drummer (picked during his middle school years to be on the high school drumline) and an excellent track star (made it to state twice) but hates to hear compliments because he thinks he’s not that good. It’s not because I don’t encourage him to be and do better, because I have that song and dance down. Just like my mother did with me. My son stops trying because he sees me not applying myself.

I believe that I hurt both of my sons because I always stopped trying. I can blame my Bipolar Disorder, but let’s face it. The answer was always I just didn’t try hard enough. WOW! I live in lack every day of my life because it’s comfortable to me.

It doesn’t require that I try or that I even care. It’s a friend. It’s a familiar feeling that I understand. But lack has ruined my life. It has caused me to sleep in my car because I feared the repo man coming to take yet another one of my vehicles. It has made me sit in the dark because I just didn’t have the money to keep the lights on. It made me miss meals because I chose to feed my sons over feeding myself.

Lack was all I knew because that’s what I saw over and over again when I was younger. So now, even though I am self­-employed and I can set my own schedule, I make every effort to get out of bed each morning. As Mark Twain famously quipped, I EAT THE FROG because I know that if I don’t do what is necessary to propel myself to where I should have been when I started my first business at 19, then I will leave this world with nothing more than a number one search engine ranking.

I have to show my children and their children that I am not afraid of success. In fact, I deserve success because God gave it to me when he hid me in my mother’s womb for six months before she knew I was there. Success is my destiny and I should be accustomed to greatness, not this life of struggle that I have nestled into. So, get out of your own way before you look back over your life and realize that lack was your friend, too. em

Have you ever lived like that? Trying but not giving your all?

Living just to make it but never living in the ‘I’ve made it’ moment?

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COMMUNITY

The

O n ly TI hKnow ing

When we are young, we have no reason to question the validity of what our parents tell us. We are fed our religion, culture, social norms, language. Everything. Then we regurgitate these ideas back up. We are the culmination of what we are taught through various means and we embrace this collection of given beliefs, attitudes and norms as “me,” “myself,” and “I.” It is not until we are confronted with something contrary to what we have been brought up with that we scratch our heads and wonder if we ever really “knew” anything.

For me, this was particularly evident when I started traveling to different parts of the world where they do, say and believe things vastly different than what I was exposed to growing up.

Not everyone drives on the right (as opposed to left, not wrong) side of the road. Not everyone eats with a fork, spoon or knife.

Not everyone values individuality.

Not everyone builds houses the same way, says “hi” the same way, waves, points or beckons the same way. Not everyone defines love, generosity, modesty, respect or the expression thereof in the same way.

“

Kelly Cousins As I befriended people of various backgrounds and beliefs, my eyes were opened to the possibility of the unknown. I noticed that all of my friends desired to know basic questions like “Who am I?” “What is my purpose?”

“Where did we come from?” “Where are we going?”

“What happens when I die?” “What is good?” “What is bad?” And many of them had held tight to what was passed down to them to answer these questions, provide a sense of peace and shape the world around them.

When I discussed many of these questions with my friends, I would ask “How do you KNOW this?” Many would start by saying that their parents, teachers, religious books told them and therefore it is truth. But when I pried deeper, it came down to faith. Faith that I admire. Faith that often coats the world in a beautiful and blissful ignorance hidden behind “knowledge.”

Faith that can be explained as belief in spite or even despite evidence or doubt.

It is not until we are confronted with something contrary to what we have been brought up with that we scratch our heads and wonder if we ever really “knew” anything.

Some people are religious and believe in one god, one god in three parts, many gods, no god, collective consciousness, the spirit within. Some people would say they are areligious or do not even affiliate themselves with any religion or don’t think religion is important or don’t know enough to say that any one belief is 100% correct and the rest are wrong.

When you are presented with one “choice” and see very little variation or deviation, you follow that path.

For me, I was so sold out to my beliefs of the Truth. But as I came to experience more of the beauty of the world, I saw other ways living. What I once “knew” became only one way of looking at the world amidst a plethora of others.

”

The only thing I know now is that I don’t know. This revelation has freed me to accept and love myself and others in a new and beautiful way I never knew was possible. em

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COMMUNITY

A

r

W

hispe

Ivy N. McQuain

I WHISPERED IN MY EAR AND TOLD MY YOUNGER SELF TO GET READY, KNOWING SHE WOULND’T LISTEN BECAUSE SHE’S STILL ME. Ever feel like that? Like even if you had the chance to do it all over again that you would probably still make the same mistakes because you are so strong-willed and determined to chart your own course?

I often think about all of the “mistakes” I’ve made and wondered if I would do things differently if I were allowed a “re-do.” Would I get married to my ex-husband? Would I have my two sons out of wedlock? Would I forego law school? Perhaps the biggest question I have asked myself is: Would I have sought medical treatment for bipolar disorder as soon as I was diagnosed?

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to the

Past Me

So, let me back up and explain for a moment.

Bipolar Disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that impacts one’s moods. People who suffer from BPD often go from extreme highs to extreme lows also known as mania and depression.

Fortunately, there is help for people who suffer from BPD. Treatment includes taking medicine on a regular schedule, visiting a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or even holistic options such as meditation and herbal treatments. There can be drawbacks to getting help, but those instances are individually based and should be reported to your medical professional immediately.

Knowing what I know now, I would not have been ready to do anything about having BPD at the time that I was diagnosed. There were so many reasons why I refused treatment. I was a mother with two young children and a business owner. I was a wife and a recent college graduate who wanted to go to law school. But my primary

COMMUNITY reason for not getting help was a selfish one. I didn’t want people to say that I was crazy. That’s it. That’s the reason why I chose not to get medical treatment for an illness that would eventually leave a trail of devastation over the next 11 years of my life. I didn’t want to be labeled. I realize now that all of the things I did because I refused to get help gave me worse labels than being called “crazy.”

I used to pride myself on not caring what others said about me, and it was the biggest lie I told myself because I actually did care what others said. I didn’t want my image tarnished because I worked hard to accomplish so much in my life.

I was a teen mom who graduated from high school with honors and three scholarships, for pete’s sake! I owned houses and cars and traveled the country. But, I lost everything slowly.

Not because I was careless but because I was out of my natural mind most of the time. I spent so much time hiding my illness that I didn’t realize that I was showing it and eventually everyone dismissed my irrational behavior saying, “Oh, that’s just Ivy.” People accepted the worst of me without care or sympathy. They saw a woman who was rude, disrespectful at times, witty, funny and friendly. And that was in one exchange. They saw an Ivy who was all over the place and I felt

“

I didn't want to be labeled. I realize now that all of the things I did because I refused to get help gave me worse labels than being called 'crazy.'

I belonged in every space that I could fit in. I was so wrong.

I can honestly say that if there was some magic time machine that I could jump in to go back and change that moment, I wouldn’t because I know I would be wasting my time. You see, I’m what some folks call “hard-headed.” I am the kid that gets warned about the fire but still has to see how hot it is. Yep, I’ve caused a lot of self-inflicted pain and misery in my life. But, I needed all of it to teach me an immeasurable lesson.

Delaying my treatment allowed me the ability to walk through life seeing things from different perspectives which most people are not able to do. I try to see everything from all three sides: his, hers and the truth. I have been able to stay away from the grey areas of life and live in black and white. Everyone in my life knows where I stand and where they stand with me. Even more than that, my mistakes built my courage and trust in God. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

I know you know someone and you’ve said to yourself, “Oh, that just how he/she is.” But, you never know. They may be struggling from some form of mental illness such as severe depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. There could be unseen factors that causes them to temporarily break from rational thought and behavior.

You may have written them off because, let’s face it. It’s easier to write off people who are difficult rather than help them cope with having their brain turn on them. I get it. That’s why I hid my illness for so long. But you can help someone.

So, you know what? “It doesn’t matter what they think because you’re not crazy.” Those are the words I would have told myself 11 years ago.

Maybe that would have given me the strength to get help sooner.

And it’s not too late for you or your loved ones.

I’ve started a docu-series on YouTube.com entitled “Young, Black and Bipolar” because I want to help more people who look like me get the help they need. No more suffering in silence.em

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THE CORNER OFFICE

It Truly is Black and White Tracy R Williams

“We have a black president.”

“I have black friends.”

“What about black on black crime?”

They had dru gs in their syste m ...”

“

“What about affirmative action? Isn’t that reverse discrimination?”

"“What about my Constitutional right to free speech?"

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Over the last few years, our nation has been confronted with a harsh reality. This reality has always been around, it’s just been blatantly ignored, or explained away with statements such as the ones above. While I, and others, can see it for what it truly is, many people refuse to acknowledge it.

Racism exists. It exists, and I’m angry, sad, and hurt about it. From Baltimore, Maryland to McKinney, Texas, racism is manifesting in ways that my ancestors prayed our generation would never see.

Yet, we’re seeing it.

We’re seeing it when popular culture takes hairstyles, clothing, and styles of cultural significance and bastardizes it through cultural appropriation.

We’re seeing it when white officers rationalize killing black citizens because they “feared for their lives.”

We’re seeing it when a white police officer body slams a 14 year old black girl to the ground because she “talked back.”

We’re seeing it when a 21 year old white male sits with a group of black believers for an hour, and then proceeds to kill them without regard, so he could “start a race war.”

We’re seeing it when job candidates with “black” names are 50% less likely to get a callback.

We’re seeing it when a multitude of voices can proudly defend a symbol of slavery and opposition to our country.

We’re seeing it when a college student who is supposed to “think and act as an ethical leader and responsible citizen” is supported in his defense of hate speech.

We’re seeing it in the revocation of equal rights legislation, institutional bias, and the simple denial of racism’s existence.

Rather than face the truth, people want to laud these officers as heroes and call black victims “thugs.” They want to label a mass murderer mentally ill and camouflage their bigotry in Southern pride. They want to deny appropriation with the defense of “staying current.” They want to think that we live in a post-racial society, and that for us to fully move forward, we need to quit “playing the race card.”

Race is social construct that was designed to elevate some and oppress many others. This construct has been in place for centuries, and its negative impact on society has always been present.

While we never thought we’d see hatred displayed like this in a post-Civil Rights era, history is, in fact, repeating itself. To see true progress, people have to acknowledge racism’s existence, the role they’ve played in keeping it this way, and do something about it.

So, rather than sit idle in my anger, I have a few suggestions: Educate. Stop saying that you don’t see color and that you’re teaching your kids not to see color as well. Whether you want to admit it or not, you see it every single time you’re in the presence of someone who has either more or less melanin than you. If we educate our future generations about cultural differences, and teach them to love others because of what makes them different, we take the first step towards acknowledgement and acceptance,

not denial. Denying other people’s culture and history to make yourself feel better about yours only sweeps the issues under the proverbial rug. Teach future generations what our schools won’t.

Expose them to different cultures through books, movies, and field trips. Teach them to become allies who know that bad things will happen, but they can be a part of the solution.

Teach your children that they may face challenges growing up because of their race. They may not be seen by others as equally smart or capable, but they can definitely show others that they are.

One thing that my parents always told me was that I was going to have to be twice as good to achieve just as much. It may not be fair, but until we truly are seen as equal, it’s necessary for survival.

Teach them to stand up for themselves while maintaining their dignity. Teach them to be proud of their heritage and culture so that others don’t see an open door to degrade it. Teach them to fight back with words and positive action. Lastly, teach them to pass these lessons along to their own children so we can raise generations more powerful than the ones that came before them.

Engage. The latest incidences in our nation have blown open the door for dialogue. Unfortunately, the dialogues I’ve witnessed have been more about standing firm in personal opinion rather than understanding someone else’s. Rather than continue to insist that we’re much better off than before, what if you asked what’s led to someone else’s opinion that we aren’t? Rather than assume that the person who automatically defends a police officer’s actions is racist, what if you asked them about what other facts they’re relying on to drive their support?

One of two things can happen when you break out of the defensive “Yes, but” loop: you’ll have a better understanding of the other person’s position, or through your inquiry, you’ll at least hold up a mirror to their shaky arguments. Either way, you’ll have truly engaged them rather than talked at them. With true dialogue, change could actually become more of a reality than a distant hope.

Empower. Empower yourself and those around you to stand up for what’s right and condemn what’s wrong. Voices matter in this battle, and the more voices that speak up, the better chance we have affecting the change we want to see.

Know that your voice is heard through many channels.

It’s heard when you chastise a friend for saying something offensive.

It’s heard when you stop buying products from companies that don’t support equal rights.

It’s heard when you stop supporting artists that promote cultural appropriation.

It’s heard when you go to the polls for every election and vote people into office who are willing to recognize and fight against racism on all levels.

I’m ready for my voice to reflect more than anger, sadness and hurt. I’m ready for it to echo resolve and action. I’m ready for it to educate rather than enrage. I’m ready for it to engage rather than eviscerate. I’m ready for it to empower rather than evade.

Your voice will sound, but what will others hear? em

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SHIFTING OUR RHETORIC

Feleceia Benton

Feleceia Benton Every Christ follower is looking an answer.

Scrolling through Facebook the past few weeks, I’ve seen a whole lot of opinion, but not a whole lot of Word.

Opinion. Opinion, opinion, opinion. Opinion.

Perhaps that is because the things we need to do are not things we want to do. We cast blame on the condition of our country and think that if we tell people how angry we are, then suddenly the world will shift and all will give pause to the Black cause…or the White cause…or the Hispanic cause…all the causes.

them feel? Does that make you want to do better? What if the thing they’re mad about is a way you’ve been for years? Most people would say, “You knew what you were getting when you married me, so just get over it.”

America is steeped in years of hate that seems inescapably engrained so deeply into the veins of our country.

We were forced into slavery, so we hate.

They stole their country, so they hate.

Their son can’t become a citizen, so they hate.

We hate them, so they hate us back.

I’m not so sure if that solution is working out so well for us.

And then our children hate. And their children hate.

And hate continues to run through our veins while we wait for the government who has helped to perpetuate the hate to fix the hate.

What happens when your mom or dad or spouse tell you how angry they are at you and how tired you make

Take a look at your own family: are there generational “issues” that don’t seem to die? Let me answer that

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SHIFTING OUR RHETORIC There is a new culture to which those of us who follow Christ belong, and with that culture comes an entirely new set of principals, a new outlook on life, one that forces us to think, look and act beyond our visual cultural constraints.

Consider the very nature of the purpose of Jesus’ coming. For whom did He come? Jesus was born into cultural constrictions evidenced by the yet stirring tension in that part of the world. It’s bad now, it was bad then. Yet Christ came to give His life for the very people who murdered Him. This is the likeness of Christ — the man we are meant to emulate. His impact on culture has lived on across waters and penetrated borders and hearts for thousands of years.

So, how do we shift? Simple. We embrace the identity of the nature of Christ. We unite in Christian unity not just through prayer vigils and walks and rallies, but in our everyday lives. We work together. We live together. We break bread together. We fellowship together. We fight together. We intentionally work to create community that reflects the unique beauty of the diversity of the body of Christ Change does not come without intentionality. A seismic shift will never occur until we individually make the choice to do the same things differently. To see our brothers differently. To “let love abide.”

Setting ourselves aside is hard — I know. We are hurt, broken, scared, frustrated. I get that. But living hurt and defeated is not who we were created to be. He overcame.

We can, too. We will, too, “by blood of the lamb and the Word of our testimony,” we will too. And do you know what will happen when we LIVE Christ? He’ll be exalted and the world will know us because of the “fruit we bear.” question for you. Yes. And unless you choose to stop them, they’ll continue to live on through the course of your family’s existence.

Our script for life is laden with solutions, giving us no need to rely on our own understanding. Being a Christ-follower doesn’t make the solution easy, but it does make it possible.

What if I told you that the remedy for the race epidemic in America is to make this not about race? Now this won’t work for folks who don’t call themselves Christ-followers, because without the universal power of His spirit, this is impossible. Racial reconciliation… reconciliation of any kind is IMPOSSIBLE without the redeeming POWER of the shed blood of Christ Jesus. There is POWER in the blood, without which this attempt is null. This is why no attempt at reconciliation in our county in the past has lasted.

Do we live in a country steeped in racial bigotry?

Yes.

It can’t come from the government. It must come through the Church.

If the church falls prey to perpetuating our societal framework of black and white, we lose. But if our song becomes about people, the race that wins is the human one. em

“If any man belongs to Christ, He is a new person.”

Are we helping to perpetuate our own stereotypes to the world as a country?

Yes. This, my friends, is a trick and a distraction. And if we are not conscious, we’ll create lines in the sand that didn’t before exist.

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INTO THE ETHER

Arian Augustus I STOPPED IDENTIFYING AS A PERSON OF FAITH A LONG TIME AGO, BUT I’VE NEVER REALLY PUT DOWN IN WORDS WHY THAT IS. I’ll be honest. I still have plenty to figure out regarding the whys behind what things I do and don’t believe. Still, I can tell you what my experience has been like so far.

The First Time I remember my first moment of skepticism. I was in my high school Sunday School class and our teacher was explaining the concept of proselytizing. (You know, Matthew 28:19­-20? “Go ye therefore and teach all nations baptizing them in the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost?” Yeah. That.) I felt that the concept was kind of pushy, so I asked about it.

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“But, what if the other person doesn’t think the same thing that you do? What if they already believe something else?”

My teacher replied with calm conviction. “Well, I would tell them anyway because I want them to have the gospel.”

I grew quiet. His answer was just so matter of fact.

Too matter of fact. I didn’t like it. I remember thinking that such a response was not only dismissive to this hypothetical third party but it was also dismissive to me. I didn’t really feel as though my concerns were heard, and, more importantly, I didn’t like the idea of steamrolling over what someone else might think or believe in order to make them believe the same thing I did. Essentially, that was the moment when I first came to believe that I’d rather be a good person than a good Christian. I still feel that way.

INTO THE ETHER The LAST Time The memory of my last experience as a person of faith is crystal clear. It was Easter Sunday a couple of years ago. Up until that point, I hadn’t been to church since the previous Easter and my attendance had been spotty before that. I just didn’t buy it anymore. Everything pastors were saying was just common sense and good (enough) rhetoric. I didn’t see the need for the Bible verses “backing up the logic,” and the second I was posed the question of “Why do you need a pastor to explain everything to you?” I began to wonder why I did. Hadn’t I already come to meaningful conclusions about love, relationships and character development by myself?

Why was I so awed when someone else reiterated my own thoughts from a pulpit?

During that transitional time, I had also I read a lot of self­-help books to grow through some failures and shortcomings in my personal life. But I never read the Bible. I needed concrete tactics in specific areas, and that was practical advice the Bible could not provide. For me, being a good person had become about conscious, intentional choice rather than following religious ideology.

still believe the same things as all these nice people swaying and lifting their hands toward their god. I was done. That was it. It was over. If the personal relationship, “fall­ in ­love ­with ­J esus” narrative is to be believed, then that Easter Sunday was the day that Jesus and I broke up.

The Future I’ve said “no” to faith, and while I do sometimes miss the gospel music I grew up with or the broader sense of community that Christian culture creates, I have no real regrets about making that choice. I also know that I’m a walking contradiction.

Nearly all my family and close friends are Christian (many of them strongly so), and I work for and forward the message of multiple faith-­based organizations. That’s weird. On top of that, I’m acutely aware that for many of you reading this, the memories I’ve shared will not be evidence of god’s lack of existence any more than a Christian believer’s stories of god’s presence in their life make me want to believe that a higher power truly does exist.

Regardless, since becoming nonreligious, I’ve been empowered most by simple, shared humanity with others and by the process of figuring out my life (mostly) on my own. I’ve talked with a fellow nonbeliever and experienced more compassion, more

So, there I was in an enormous church on Easter Sunday. Easter. The highest of holy days in the Christian faith. Everyone around me was having some That was it. It was over. If the personal relationship, form of personal re‘fall­in l­ove ­with ­Jesus’ narrative is to be believed, ligious experience, then that Easter Sunday was the day that Jesus and including my friend who had brought I broke up. me to her church.

And I felt nothing. grace, more kindness and more understanding Nothing at all. I knew why all those people felt the than any conversation I ever remember having with way they did. I understood logically and intellectua Christian. Those things say more to me about life ally what was going on around me. But there was no sense of connection or transcendence. The faith and about how to be a good person than anything I learned in church. And sure. I could “turn back wasn’t there. to Christ.” I could. [Please feel free to insert your prayers and exaltations here.] But that possibility At that point I bawled. I mean, openly hunched does not guarantee that I will. Honestly? I don’t over sobbing ... in public. I’m sure it looked like believe that walking away from faith was the end of I was “overcome by the spirit” as they say, but it my spiritual life. I believe it was the beginning.em was actually the opposite. In that moment I knew I couldn’t lie anymore. I knew I couldn’t pretend to

“

”

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INTO THE ETHER

A SUBTLE SHIFT Arian Augustus

I’ve always been a laid back person, going with the flow more often than expressing my own needs and interests. Passive. I know. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that all laid back people are doormats. Most of them aren’t. But for much of my life, I was.

One day he tried from another angle.

Friend: Do you like to cook?

Me: Yeah. Sometimes.

Friend: What’s your favorite thing to cook?

Me: [backpedaling] Well, I mean, I can cook. I know how to follow a recipe. I don’t really have a favorite thing to cook though.

Friend: That’s NOT cooking! I’m talking about taking whatever ingredients you have and just making something. I like creating stuff. Just putting something together. What do you create?

Me: I don’t know. I never really thought about it.

I learned the distinction between being laid back and being a doormat from talking to a friend.

Over the course of several conversations he asked me repeatedly what I liked to do for fun.

My answer was always the same. “I like to be with my friends. I like to do whatever my friends are doing.” “NO!” he would yell at me in frustration.

“That answer doesn’t count! What do you like to The truth was that I never really thought about do?” I was silent. I didn’t have anything to tell him.

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INTO THE ETHER anything. As long as I was with my friends, I didn’t think about how much I liked or disliked what we were doing or whether or not it lined up with my own interests. As long as I had something to throw on the stove or in the oven, I never considered the idea of making up my own recipe.

Over time, I figured out that I didn’t always want to do the same things my friends were doing (Duh. That’s natural.) and I learned how to decline. Often, not following along with the group led to many a night of me sitting at home alone doing nothing. And I mean, I do love me some “me time,” probably more so than others. But, I eventually realized that when you actively say “no” to something, you have to actively say “yes” to something else. If you don’t say yes in place of a no, you end up, well, sitting.

What do these yeses and nos have to do with my journey away from faith? What does the process of discovering my identity versus that of my friends have to do with discovering a sense of personal spirituality? The principles are largely the same.

has to offer. Community. A sense of belonging.

It wasn’t until very recently that I started saying openly and confidently that I wasn’t a person of faith, and when I did so, people saw me differently. They treated me differently. Old acquaintances from churches I used to go to didn’t feel comfortable talking to me anymore. Potential friends abruptly ended pleasant and otherwise harmonious new connections. Family members became disillusioned and defensive. Just like that, I became an outsider.

I tried to avoid this day. I kept silent and I went along with the crowd just so I could have a crowd to be in. I’ve been an outcast many times in my life and I didn’t want one more thing to make me different. But this difference - this choice not to be a person of faith because I don’t accept one belief system as ultimate truth - also makes me who I am. Since I’ve stopped going to church and following Christianity, I have become stronger, wiser and more down-toearth than I ever was as a believer. I am a much truer version of myself and I live in my own skin. Comfortably. Happily. Finally. I am finally becoming the woman I always wanted to be even though some people don’t like her as much as the girl they used to know.

“When you grow and change and make real decisions about yourself, some people grow with you, some people judge you, and When you grow and some people drift away altogether... change and make real decisions about But it doesn’t hurt as much as yourself, some people grow with you, losing yourself to someone some people judge you and some people drift or something you’re not.” away altogether. Losing

I’ve considered myself a nonbeliever for multiple years now.

Since I made that change internally, I’ve found myself sometimes enjoying my interactions with religious people but very frequently cringing at them. When people would invite me to their churches, I would smile and say vague things like, “I guess it would be nice to come visit you.” This exact scenario came up for me recently and I told the same polite lie. I felt so slimy. So fake. It was a people pleasing, misleading truth and I knew it.

And I knew why I said it, too.

Everybody wants to be part of a group, and that’s one of the main positives that religion

a relationship can hurt.

But it doesn’t hurt as much as losing yourself to someone or something you’re not. So, you learn how to have your own party by yourself and love it. (Or find something else to do if you don’t.) You learn how to cook your favorite dish and add something to make it your own. As Dr. Seuss put it, “Be who you are, and say what you feel. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” em

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COVER STORY

Passion

AIN’T EASY Feleceia Benton

THE CAREER STATS FOR PRIVATE CHEF AND FOOD STYLIST GABRIELLE “ELLE” MCBAY ARE UNREAL. ONE SUCCESSFUL COMPANY, TWO ENTREPRENEURIAL AWARDS, THREE MAJOR MEDIA ARTICLES ABOUT HER WORK AND, MOST RECENTLY, A LIFE CHANGING OPPORTUNITY AS THE STAR OF THE PREMIERE EPISODE OF ABC FAMILY’S UNSCRIPTED DRAMA, “JOB OR NO JOB.” SIMPLY PUT, THIS WOMAN. IS. AMAZING. 22

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I CAUGHT UP WITH HER FOR A FEW MINUTES AND WE HAD A PHENOMENAL CHAT ABOUT TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: AMAZING FOOD AND THE GRIND FOR GREATNESS...

Elisia Magazine: Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you? Where did you grow up? What are you doing now?

Gabrielle McBay: I’m a private chef. I’m aspiring to own my own restaurant. Right now I’m transitioning to work with Table 52 in Chicago as their front of house [hostess], and I’m planning to have a client for private chef services up there.

EM: Awesome! Is this what you always wanted to do? Have you always wanted to be a chef? When did this come along?

GM: Yes! I’ve always known I’ve wanted to cook since I was probably, like, ten. I’ve always cooked. I started my first company when I was a freshman in high school, so I kind of got an early start on cooking.

EM: How old are you now?

GM: 23.

EM: So, still really young. What do people have to say about the fact that you’re only 23? What are some of the things you’ve heard?

GM: I’ve gotten pros and cons. Of course the con is that people think I’m not old enough or experienced enough necessarily. On the show, Debbie Sharpe [owner of Goddess and Grocer, a Chicago based chain of gourmet bakery cafes] told me that she didn’t see me opening my restaurant in five to ten years because I didn’t seem like I “had it.”

EM: How does that motivate you? Does it make you want to gather more experience or pace yourself through it?

GM: It doesn’t necessarily bother me. Sometimes it sucks because I get overlooked. But on the contrary, because I am 23 and I’ve accomplished these things as a 23 year old, I also get compliments about that. So, it’s kind of a little bit of both.

GM: Well, it’s reality TV. Of course everyone knows that reality is not reality, and I knew that too. But participating in it is like, “Wow. Reality really isn’t reality!” There are different things that are already set up and planned and you kind of just have to roll with the punches and deliver. I’m definitely grateful for the experience, but at the same time some things are weird. It’s really different to get used to walking around and being mindful.

There are cameras rolling 24-7 whether you know it or not.

EM: What do you think about the other people on the show?

Have you been inspired by them?

GM: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! All of my castmates are mostly entrepreneurs and definitely grinders. All of us pretty much live that same lifestyle, so connecting with people that share the same things that I did was pretty awesome. We’ve never met in person, but we text and talk on the phone. All of us are kinda doin’ the same thing. It’s pretty cool to meet other people like me.

EM: Talk to me about Jane … [aka Jane Buckingham … aka the bestselling author of The Modern Girl’s Guide to Life, founder and CEO of consulting company Trendera and Career Expert on “Job or No Job”] GM: Jane was really helpful. The first day I was like, “Who is this lady telling me what to do?!” But after that first day, she taught me a lot. It definitely helped my process. We still keep in contact and I’m excited to see her on the show. It’s funny to see her coaching everybody else instead of just me.

EM: Is she as intense as she seems?

GM: Oh, yeah! That first scene that you see when we’re sitting down, that was my first time meeting her. But after that, we got along and everything was fine.

EM: Has any of the process of knowing what you want and then going after it been intimidating?

GM: No, I don’t really get intimidated a lot. It wasn’t intimidating until I got to Chicago and had all those cameras in my face.

That was a bit much. [laughter]

EM: And what was your biggest lesson from Jane?

GM: I think the biggest thing she taught me was to not get too comfortable but to also let down your guard. I can have a problem sometimes with [letting my guard down]. She really taught me how to do that graciously and coached me and helped with my interviews. It was different for me interviewing EM: Talk to me about that. How did you find out about Job or on national tv. One thing that people don’t see on the show is No Job? What was the process like? that all of those places are functioning restaurants. It wasn’t realGM: My sister sent it to me. TCU had posted it on their LinkedIn ly closed off. There were people that were eating and dining at and she told me that I should apply and I did. I applied in Janu- the restaurant looking at me. That was kinda weird. ary and May is when I finally got cast. In between, I was Skyping and talking to producers.

EM: So, when does life ease up for you?

GM: Honestly, I feel like it’s just beginning. Going to another EM: What don’t people see behind the scenes? What do we city is completely different for me. I’ve never done that. I think miss?

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my next move is just to really grind and get to where I want to be.

EM: … which is owning your own restaurant.

GM: Yeah. I want to be a mogul.

I’m really trying to be a private chef before I open my restaurant.

I’m also in the middle of writing a cookbook. I’m doing a lot of stuff.

EM: Right. I think a lot of people don’t really do a great job of creating their own opportunities.

What else had you started before you had the opportunity to be on the show?

GM: […] I’ve been focusing on catering and private chef services.

I’ve been doing a lot of catering for companies and different dinners. That’s kinda, like, my bread and butter. I started my company my freshman year of high school, but I didn’t get introduced to private chef services until last year.

I’m kind of just getting started because I never made a company [out of that aspect of the business] until last year.

EM: And you used to be really focused on pastries, right? Tell me about that transition.

GM: People aren’t really eating terribly anymore. Cupcakes and pies and cakes and all that stuff. A lot of people are focused on gluten free and veganism and organic and fresh everything. I started noticing that transition and knew that I had to adjust to that.

EM: That’s bittersweet. So, what is your signature thing? What do people expect to get when they come to you?

GM: Of course dessert because that’s just kind of home for me. But southern food is definitely my specialty. “Contemporary Southern” as I like to call it.

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EM: What is the biggest surprise lesson that you’ve learned?

What is it that you just did not know going into this process of being a young, budding entrepreneur?

GM: The biggest lesson was that the show definitely goes on. I definitely had to push through certain feelings and experiences for the betterment of my company. Sometimes I get frustrated or I get in these funks where I feel like I don’t want to do this anymore. After the first day of filming I literally felt like, “Okay.

I’m ready to go home.” [laughter] It was a big adjustment for me to get used to cameras and stuff like that. But I’m still learning to push through those feelings and get the work done.

EM: Did you see your circle change after the show happened?

GM: No, I wouldn’t say that. My circle actually changed in college. I wouldn’t say now because my circle is so tight now.

I used to be a very friendly person [who] wanted different people to accept me, like me. I started experiencing things with people that weren’t conducive to what I was trying to do.

I’m mindful of who I receive energy from. So, I have a very tight knit circle now and we kind of feed off of each other. I think it’s very important who you hang around and who you spend your time with because those energies and vibes speak for themselves. If you’re hanging around the wrong crowd or hanging around people that are not motivated, it kinda just sucks you in.

EM: Isn’t it strange how once you get your group down to the same kind of people, you all experience the same kind of things at the same time?

GM: Yeah. And I notice that a lot of people try to compete or downgrade each other or different things like that. And I’m very big on [the idea that] everyone can shine in their own light. That’s what’s special about my friends. It could be in a completely different arena and everyone is grinding and succeeding in their own way. We’re happy for each other just the same. I feel like when people see tv they think you’ve made it, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the case.

EM: But, it’s a thing.

GM: I think [tv is] a great platform. I didn’t actually want to do the show. My sister made me do it. But, I’ve been able to motivate different people or have different people see my story. Maybe it will inspire someone. But I don’t think tv means you’ve made it. Just because you’re on tv, that doesn’t mean you’re still not struggling. I still feel like I haven’t made it. I feel like [...] once I have residual income coming in for the rest of my life, then I’ll be able to say, “Yep! I’ve made it!” The day I stop working is the day I’ve made it.

EM: You better believe it! And people think that, like, I’m all about myself. First of all I am, but it’s not what you think. I don’t

GM: Yeah. I’ve had to nip some chords and friendships along the way because a lot of people don’t understand that. And honestly, I make time for the people in my life that are close to me and that pour into me just as much as I pour into them.

There’s a reciprocation. But when I was so into my work, a lot of people didn’t understand that. People think you’re not being a good friend. My close friends understand that they may not see me or they may not talk to me every day but that love is still there.

EM: That’s some grown up stuff, Gabrielle!

GM: I’ve learned a few things along the way and I’m still learning.

EM: Now, you graduated from TCU, right?

Yes, I graduated in December of 2014.

EM: Do you think school played a role in your success now?

GM: I definitely think so. College is when I really got into food, the science of food. At first I was doing just pastries, but then the food management major taught me to see the world and the science of food.

“

THERE ARE PLENTY OF TIMES WHEN YOU WANT TO REALLY GIVE UP. YOU KIND OF WANT TO THROW IN THE TOWEL, BUT BEING COMMITTED TO YOUR VISION IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

”

EM: Would you encourage other people in your industry to go to school?

GM: I think you can do it without going to school. Myself, I haven’t gone to culinary school, so I’m not formally trained.

Some people are, but it doesn’t make a difference really as long as you know your stuff. When I got into the private chef thing, I ended up meeting a chef who [...] gave me my first private chef clients through him, and that was the first thing he talked about. He went to culinary school and he’s met a lot of people that went to culinary school, [but] he took a chance on me even though I didn’t have formal training.

have to [go to school] to be great at what you do. As you know, some of our greatest entrepreneurs have never been to school or they’ve dropped out.

EM: What do you think you have to do? How do you acquire success?

GM: I think it really takes commitment to what you believe in, to what you want to do. That’s the biggest thing for me. There are plenty of times when you want to really give up. You kind of want to throw in the towel, but being committed to your vision is really important.

And it doesn’t happen overnight. A lot of people think, “Oh, I’ll be successful,” and then after a few months they wonder why it isn’t happening. You really have to be patient with yourself and believe in your work ethic.

EM: That’s good advice. If you want to go to a certain place, your body of work has to reflect where you want to go, not necessarily where you are. I think that’s where a lot of people stop. They are wanting to get somewhere based on what they know right now as opposed to preparing themselves for where they want to be. It’s hard work out here, girl!

EM: So, what’s one last thing that you want people to know about you?

GM: When the show came out, a lot of people were like, “Oh, you’re big time now.” And it really irks me when people say that. I always tell people that I’m not big, I just serve a big God. That’s been my tagline. I do believe that without Christ I definitely wouldn’t be here and wouldn’t be able to be a part of these opportunities. These things didn’t happen overnight, and I definitely still have a lot more work to do. But, I think that your belief system, your faith system is really important in your grind. It sustains you even when you feel like you can’t make it happen anymore yourself. em

What a powerhouse, right?! You can learn even more awesome stuff about Gabrielle by visiting her website, chefellemcbay.com. You can also see her episode and the full first season of “Job or No Job” at abcfamily.go.com.

[And] it kind of varies with each person. You definitely have to know the technical skills and I think I want to go back and learn some technical skills. But, I think everything you can pretty much learn [on your own]. I don’t think that you have to have school. I’m trying to figure out [what I’ll say] to my kids because I don’t think that you have to go to college. I don’t think you

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MOMMYHOOD

Mandy Rausch As of this summer, I am the co-artistic director of a non-profit theatre company in the city where I live.

This is not my first foray into a leadership position, but it’s definitely the most visible I will have ever been within the Dallas/Ft. Worth theatre community because it’s a company with a great reputation for working hard and putting on solid productions.

It was suggested to me from within that I take this position, but right around the time the announcement was made about our new season and leadership changes, the wind was briefly knocked out of my sails.

It was brought to my attention that I had some things to work on in my leadership skills. I was told that I have a tendency to steamroll conversations and that I seem to be all too often thinking about the next thing I want to say rather than listening to what was being said around me. Some of my other abilities as an artist were also called into question.

In short, it felt as though my character was being attacked as well as my artistic output and how I am perceived by others in the industry.

When I was in my 20s, this type of situation would have led to one of two responses: I would have either gotten defensive and argumentative and

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possibly lost friendships and connections, or I would have dissolved into a puddle of insecure tears and said, “You’re right; I’m the worst. Tell me everything I need to do to be better!”

Instead, I took a step back and really tried to look objectively at what was being said and from whom it was coming. Was there truth in any of it? Were there areas I could make changes and improvements? There were aspects of this situation that I could say with confidence, “No. That is an opinion, and it’s one I happen to disagree with.” However, it was also an opportunity to hold a mirror up to myself and say, “Yes. This is an area in which you can improve. Here’s a chance to learn and grow.

Now, how are you going to respond? What changes are you going to make?”

The tricky thing about our brains, though, perhaps especially as women and/or mothers, is that we tend to focus on the opinions. We can cognitively understand that a statement is wrong and yet still let it work its way into our hearts and chip away at our confidence. For example, someone could tell me, “You are a bad mother.” I would be shocked, but then I would laugh and say, “Wrong. I am totally confident that you are wrong about that.” But

MOMMYHOOD

then I’d lay in bed that night and remember how I gave my son several drinks of my frappuccino and let him watch Frozen three times in one weekend and I STILL haven’t signed him up for swim lessons and I’d slowly start to think, “Were they right when they said that?”

Isn’t that insane? That we will believe lies about ourselves, even when our rational and logical brain knows that they are just that: LIES. And once you begin to believe those lies, even the areas we admitted we need to work on seem to be just one more log on the fire of our inadequacies.

Despite the fact that I could disagree in daylight with the opinions made about myself as an artist and agree with the leadership skills I could improve, it was the former that made the latter seem worse and what kept me lying awake nights with anxiety and fear and doubt about all of my abilities to handle this role.

So, what do you do when that happens? There are several ways to handle it, but I’ll share what I have learned after years of insecurity and doubting myself. First, I asked myself the following questions: Is there evidence to support it?

Is there evidence to refute it?

What does God say about it?

Then, I took that last question with me and sought “wise council,” as the Bible calls it. I visited with members of my church and poured out my worry, my fear, my doubt, and how that had shaken my very belief that I belonged and had a purpose with this organization. They talked with me, they heard me, and they prayed for my wisdom and confidence. I mentioned to them the very thing I said here earlier: “I feel like the wind has been knocked out of my sails,” and the response was this: Maybe your wind has been coming from the wrong place.

My confidence should be encouraged by, but not dependent upon those around me. It should come from the One who made me and created these talents within me. Telling and hearing the truth is a good thing, but considering the source and the intent is imperative. Is it true? Is there evidence to support it? Is it coming from a place of love?

We should always strive to be better wives, better friends, better mothers, better employees, better artists. But remembering the standard by which we should compare ourselves is even more important to becoming the confident women we strive to be. em

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FAMILY LIFE Now, my children do not necessarily have food-related bad habits. One has a severe obsession with nail biting, a habit that not only annoys me but disgusts me as well. Ugh! Nevertheless, I’ve realized that as parents, when we discover how to conquer bad habits and potentially destructive behaviors, we demonstrate to our children how to overcome them as well. This learning process also creates the opportunity for parents and children to have healthy dialogue with each other.

Similarly, positive conduct must be evident in our lives as parents as well. How do boys develop chivalry so that they can mature into polite and attentive young men? They see it modeled in their fathers. It’s not enough to simply tell them what to do. Someone must show them how it is done.

Mekeisha Steele The recent and tragic death of Bobbie Kristina Brown is a horrific reflection of the life her parents lived in front of her from her childhood into her adulthood. Her remains are proof that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston lacked essential parenting tools. This lack manifested itself in the death of their only child and destruction of their lineage. Now, the initial instinct may be to criticize her parents, but before we do that, let’s pause for just one moment and face the mirror. All of us as parents have flaws that could eventually affect our children and families for generations to come.

Some flaws are easily recognizable; others are less obvious. Regardless of whatever “lack” we may have, our personal failures can have serious impact on our children. For example, I love to eat shelled peanuts. It’s an obsession that I can’t hide. Almost instinctively, I will grab my shelled, roasted peanuts for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or during the mid-morning or mid-afternoon. Sometimes I will eat peanuts as an appetizer or even for dessert! It became such an addiction that I wanted a specific brand from a specific store on stock in my home at all times.

Eventually the unhealthy habit assisted in my progressive weight gain.

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Young girls need to see less images of women being “turned up,” that is to say defensive, hostile and volatile in the way they communicate. Instead they must be taught the importance of having an amenable, docile quality about themselves, and a mother is naturally the first person to model these traits. Living these essential qualities in front of our children helps them to become productive citizens in this great universe.

By their own admittance, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, had serious drug addiction problems, and their tumultuous relationship was displayed to the whole world on TV. But, their most damaging character trait was their moral ineptitude. This trait was undoubtedly passed down to their daughter, and as a result, she committed herself to a doomed lifestyle. Had Bobbie Kristina seen her parents defeat their calamitous lifestyle choices, it could have altered her own decision making later in life. We will never truly know.

One thing is for certain. We must determine the kind of people we would like for our children to become, and then we must live out the things they need to see and hear daily. We are our children’s greatest influencers. Where there is evidence of personal defects in ourselves or generational defects in our families, we must acknowledge them and become intentional about teaching our children how to direct their own paths. em

THE BACHELOR PAD

m o r e t h a n a Swipe Shamar Willis

Tinder. The popular dating app known for “hooking up” and crazy stories. I think that Tinder is a gift and a curse that gets a bad wrap. I believe that “swiping right” to meet someone new isn’t so much a bad thing as long as our intentions aren’t bad. But if they are, the platform is excellent for that purpose.

Personally, I joined Tinder because I was bored and I wanted to get outside of my normal social circle. I was visiting NY and my friend told me about how everyone was using the app to date. I work a lot for my own business, so the time to truly invest into someone is not a top priority. As a single guy with no kids and no time for being social, I figured I had nothing to lose, and I decided to see what the hype was about.

The first two months I spent on Tinder, I was completely in “guy mode.” I was addicted to meeting new women, and having so many options didn’t allow me to focus and invest in any one person. Also, from what I could tell, the ratio of women to good men on Tinder was high, so the things that I present were high in demand.

It was flattering to have so many women in my inbox. At the same time, it became annoying to have to repeat the same stories of why I’m single, what do I do for fun, how tall I am etc. I don’t like to explain things over and over again, so that part of the process was the worst.

Still, I actually met some good women on Tinder that allowed me to accomplish some goals in my business.

I met one woman who actually started off as someone who took an interest in me. She ended up being someone that was very passionate about sports and marketing and that was a venture that I was going into!

I took that as a message from God that she could help me grow in that field. So, after talking to her and being up front about what I was getting from our purpose, on July 18th 2015 we actually put on a successful charity football camp. It was definitely a moment that made me realize that maybe Tinder brings out the worst in us because the abundance of options to do so.

I can definitely say that Tinder is a platform that allows you to get what you want out of it. There are tons of women and men that are truly looking for someone to call their own. There are also women and men who are looking for a good time. Everything flows from from your mindset. I now use Tinder for promotional reasons and I can say that it works for me because there are tons of people moving into the city that are looking to meet new people and find new adventures whether they be business or personal. Tinder can lead to friendships, relationships or business. It all depends on what you make of it. em

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MOCHA MOB Cheryl Rischer

Cheryl Rischer

So, that means that we must also play a role in their academics. Each year, the state of Texas makes changes to assessment requirements leaving teachers in a tail“Pumpkin! Mommy needs you to focus.” spin trying to adhere. School districts are scrambling “Okay, Mommy. How do I that?” trying to figure out how to teach all the test-based information within the school year so that students can We were 3 ½ hours into his homework for the night and successfully pass these assessments. There is barely while I was exhausted, I tried to hurry and cook dinner time to teach reading, writing and arithmetic, much as I continued to assist my then 4-year-old child with his less some of the soft skills that today’s students so nightly homework. When he spoke those words to me, desperately need.

I realized that I was expecting him to do something that I was not certain he had been taught how too.

As an educator, I see first hand how lacking some of As I wondered how I would explain such a complex idea to an inquisitive yet young mind, I became angry.

Not at him, but at whoever should have taught him how to focus. I questioned whether that lesson if it were my responsibility or his teacher’s. Since I was paying private school tuition, I convinced myself that it was definitely the teacher’s’ responsibility. But I know that wasn’t really the case.

If we are honest with ourselves as parents, we should acknowledge that there is no way that schools today can teach students all of the things they need to know.

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the most basic life skills is are negatively impacting many of our children. Although there are a number of things we could consider, I have listed the top 10 most prevalent skills - in my opinion - that today’s students need to improve both academically and personally.

I encourage you to find ways to teach these life skills to your children and help them apply them outside of the school setting. And please feel free to tell me what you would add or change on this list or how you would implement these concepts into your kids’ lives. You can reach me at Cheryl@MochaMoB.com. em

MOCHA MOB

10 Life Skills 1. Collaboration

Collaboration is important because not only is learning a social process, so is living. There are lots of things in life that require you to work with others and the sooner we learn how to successfully work with others, the better.

2. compromise

Compromise is difficult for today’s students because they have become more absorbed with “self.” The most popular things students in this generation want covet start with an “i” (iPhone, iPad, etc.), and winning is important even when there is no real competition. Compromise requires that students move from a “me” mindset to a “we” mindset.

3. communication

Communication involves not only speaking and listening but also learning to summarize and seeking to understand before being understood.

When communicating, students must learn to be concise to be heard. Such communication requires clarity of thought and careful consideration of the message to being conveyed to a listening audience.

4. critical thinking

Critical thinking skills are always expected but seldom taught. Students need to be able to think critically about what they know and how they know it so when learning and applying new concepts they can recognize assumptions, analyze information and create new understanding.

5. creative thinking

Creative thinking should comfortably follow critical thinking everywhere it goes. Critical thinking often requires that we consider all of the possibilities, whereas creative thinking requires that we stretch ourselves to invent a new possibility.

6. decision making

Schools are not set up to provide students with opportunities to practice their decision making skills. In fact, it is just the opposite. From dress codes to seat assignments to lunch time, there are very few things throughout the school day that students get to choose. When students are presented with real life choices, many children don’t have the skills to think it through the situation end up making poor decisions. A child’s ability to make decisions on his or her own will also affect their ability to collaborate with others.

7. focus

We expect children to have the ability to focus on tasks and complete them without delay. With increasing digital technology and the constant need to be connected, students will have to learn how to actively tune out distractions and stay on task.

8. flexibility

Flexibility allows students to adapt to new and/ or different situations and improvise when necessary, and it can be easily taught at home. Students who are rigid and reluctant have more difficulty in today’s classrooms and tend to perform poorly when required to do more than one thing at a time.

9. initiative

Initiative can be defined as making the effort to seize opportunities and overcome barriers without having to be asked or told. Students with initiative have a “can do” mindset that proves to be beneficial for their academic performance.

10. resilience

Parents play a great role in how children understand and develop resiliency. Fostering resilience allows for children to withstand the pressures of school, childhood, and teen years.

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MOCHA MOB

when enough is

ENOUGH Cheryl Rischer

This could be a story about that one time enough was enough. Unfortunately, it would be more than just one time and it would be a really long story. You see, there have been a number of times in my life that I have arrived at the intersection of “enough is enough” and “here we go again.” So much so, it has become a familiar place offering me an awkward sense of comfort. And then I am reminded that I didn’t like this place much when I was here the last time. When I find myself here, the question that I ask remains the same. “Lord, what lesson did I not learn?” My assumption is that if I keep ending up in this not­so­good place, I must be doing something (or not doing something) that leads me right back to this difficult and ultimately uncomfortable space. As a child, my mother would often remind me that a hard head makes a soft behind. Translation: if I didn’t get it through my head, I would find myself on my butt quite often. So occasionally, I have been found sitting tenderly at that intersection.

Just recently, I noticed that I was once again approaching that place. Fortunately, I saw it coming from a mile away, so I began to “pump my brakes” in an attempt to avoid my impending arrival. I sorted through my decisions, questioned my actions and sought answers as if I were preparing for a test. It was then that I realized that a lot of the knowledge, passion and expertise that I have for what I do and how I do it has come about as a fortunate consequence of my frequent visits to that intersection.

My ability to successfully coach and consult with others has developed as a result of the hard work I have repeatedly put in to get beyond the great wall of “enough is enough.” I have made a number of mistakes and overcome even greater challenges. At times, I have doubted my worth and I’ve been paralyzed with fear. But, after taking multiple leaps of faith, I have bounced back again and again. I have persevered even when others accused me of having it easy because I am “talented.” What I knew that they didn’t know is that although I possess a lot of talent sometimes it’s not enough. When talent fails, a great 32

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work ethic can yield unprecedented achievement.

While at the intersection of “enough is enough” and “here we go again” I have found disappointment, unforeseen challenges and broken promises. I have experienced my share of racism and sexism. I have had to stand alone and I’ve been denied a seat at the table. I have made some unpopular choices in the name of my own character and values while others opted to lay on their backs in exchange for their souls, all so that they could park their red bottoms underneath a desk in a corner office.

It is at this intersection that I have learned not only how to survive, but also to thrive. I discovered that failure is not final and faith without works is dead.

I have learned that when you have experienced all that I have and can still get up each morning in your right mind with courage the of your convictions, then that is half the battle. I have learned that failure is a part of life and winning small victories is necessary fuel for the big wins.

I have learned that success can be uncomfortable, but so can that intersection.

As much as I say “enough is enough,” it is rarely ever enough. Regardless of how tired I become of finding myself in situations that leave me feeling overwhelmed and out of options, if I am to get to where I am going, I must travel through the intersection or make a change in my route. Either way, I have to do something different than I’ve done to get somewhere that I’ve never been. em

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT cal and piano teacher. And a vocalist and a writer. And not just a writer but also a songwriter. And a producer.

And a composer and vocal arranger. Because these are a few of my favorite things. Can I combine all of this together? Whatever. I already did. It even says so on fancy-schmancy business cards!

So, why am I thirty years old and asking myself, “Is this it? Is this really where I’m supposed to be? Should I go back to school? Do you see yourself doing this exact thing in ten years? Do you really want to adult today?”

Lessons In

Uncertainty Cherish Love Robinson

A few years ago I found a timeline that I wrote in the 3rd grade. The assignment was to write about our future and what we wanted to accomplish by said year. I had quite the imagination. Apparently, at this very moment I was to be a doctor and traveling throughout the United States with my husband. Oh, vintage Cherish! For you knew NOT the plan. Here’s my real story.

I was twelve when I became aware of music. By that time, I’d been playing the piano for about five years and it was pretty much a cool hobby. All I knew were gospel songs, and I played them just like my mother taught me. Piano came naturally for me, and I could sing too, but I did not like the audience that came with it. Then at the age of twelve my family changed church membership to Friendship West Baptist Church and my life was never the same.

There, I met three musicians (Gino, Geno, and Shaun) that unbeknownst to them gained a new mentee. I couldn’t hang out with them, so I did a lot of learning from afar. I’d soak up every chord and every riff and come back home to try and emulate it. I even began to sing in front of an audience! I eventually wound up in the choir and I spent every waking moment I could preparing for God knows what. During rehearsals and services, Geno loved to plop me down in front of the piano, show me how to play a song once, then walk away like I’d been practicing it for decades. But I loved the challenge. It taught me to watch carefully, listen intently, and play efficiently. I was going to be a musician.

No, scratch that. I was going to be a teacher. Nay! A vo-

These questions (and more) plague me all the time. I absolutely love what I do, but I am completely freaked out because I can’t see the future. It’s like God handed my life lemons and then turned the lemons into kale.

I mean, you work hard to get to here (wherever your here is) and when you get here, it ends up being over there. This was totally not written on my 3rd grade timeline assignment!

Try doing it now. Take a blank piece of paper. At the top write, “Who am I?” Now, answer the question. Don’t worry, I’ll wait. [whistles] Does your answer give a brief overview of what you do well? Or does it list your most-prized quality character traits? If your answers mirror the latter, you may have a great handle on life and can mosey on over to the next article. Just kidding.

As of right now, I’m still in the hardship phase of my life.

And if I’m really honest with myself, I can say that this is all good in theory but I still get emotional when I feel like I’m losing it. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with this music thing. But here’s what I do know: I know who I am! It’s ok to be here. It’s ok to be content in being content (with persistence and a sense of expectancy, of course). Here is where something shifts and things begin to look clearer again. I suppose if we knew the outcome of every difficulty, our brains would kick into overdrive trying to put tomorrow in a better situation.

Yet when I think about it, not a single one of my success stories has ever gone the way I had mapped it out. But, ALL of my hardships birthed a success.

That said, when I feel lost I remind myself of what my mother always says: tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. So, if you feel like twelve year old me - thrown in front of the crowd before you’re fully ready to perform - watch carefully, listen intently, and work efficiently. You never know what’s in store for the future. em Cherish Love Robinson, Owner of The Vocal Store Life is one grand, sweet song. So start the music.

214.576.8653

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TASTE AT HOME Black Bean Tostadas Yolonda Tuck

Summer is here and boy is it HOT! We’ve fought our way through each scorching day. Speaking of the heat, Chef and I had the opportunity to participate in the 29th Annual Taste of Dallas at Fair Park this past June. It was fried food heaven! Our menu was packed with all Chef’s crowd favorites: fried ribs, fried mac and cheese, sweet potato fries, pasta and bread pudding.

Thank you to everyone who came out and supported us in this venture.

Now that we’ve successfully made it through this large event, Chef and I are finally taking a well needed vacation. For a whole two weeks we are headed to the wine country of the U.S., California! We’re going to San Franciso first and then to Los Angeles for a couple of days and our last stop will be Las Vegas, Nevada. Chef and I have already mapped out all of our food stops in each city we plan to visit. At the top of the list is the new location of Sweetie Pies in

Ingredients

2 cans black beans, rinsed and drained 1 teaspoon chili powder 1 teaspoon cumin ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper (more for spicy) Salt and olive oil 3-4 tomatoes, chopped 1 medium avocado, cubed 2 cups shredded lettuce ⅔ cup plain yogurt, Greek yogurt, or sour cream ½ cup packed cilantro leaves (more to taste) 3 cloves garlic 1 teaspoon salt 4-6 flour tortillas

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LA. We love us some Sweetie Pies! Chef and I ate at her St. Louis restaurant a couple of years ago and it was so good.

In preparation of our summer travel plans and with trying to stay cool in this heat, we have been creating meals that are light and easy. I hope you try this recipe and love it. Have a Tasty Summer!

Yolonda Tuck is the Business Manager for Chef Mallery Tuck

Instructions

Preheat the broiler. Puree the black beans, chili powder, cumin, and cayenne in a blender or food processor, adding a tablespoon of oil (or water) at a time to help the mixture move. I pureed for a minute or two but still left some texture.

In a food processor or blender, puree the cilantro, yogurt, garlic, and salt, adjusting the seasoning with more cilantro/salt/yogurt to your tastes.

Place tortillas in the oven directly on the rack, taking care that the edges are supported (otherwise they will bend through the cracks and it will be bent in a funny shape). Let the tortillas bake for 3-5 minutes on both sides until they are browned and crispy.

Top the crispy tortillas with black beans, tomatoes, avocados, and lettuce. Drizzle with cilantro sauce.

TASTE AT HOME

Yolonda Tuck visits Napa Valley’s wine country, touring the Tucker Farms Winery

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s tyle THAT

STYLE THAT

Nikki Hurd Hey Nikki, I have no fashion sense, but I do know I love the leopard print tank top my honey bought me for Valentine’s Day. What can I wear with it so that I look cool, hip and sexy?

Thanks, Monica .

Hey, Monica! That’s EASY!!

An all black pencil skirt and a red stiletto will work great with that top. Add a black clutch, some shades and serve the kids some Carry Bradshaw Sex in the City Realness! Thanks for reaching out to me and thanks for reading Elisia Magazine!

Your Favorite Good Judy -Nikki 36

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AROUND TOWN

SENIOR EDITOR ARIAN AUGUSTUS MODELS AT THE DESOTO LIVING FASHION SHOW

KRISTEN “DR. G” GUILLORY HOSTS A COZY CONVOS RETREAT ARIAN AND FELECEIA AT THINK OUT’S PAMPER FOR A PURPOSE FUNDRAISER

NIKKI HURD AND FRIENDS AT THE BSBH LAUNCH PARTY

SHANTE MCCOY VISITS SUMMER STEM CAMP TEAM LIFECHAT AND FRIENDS AT THE LEGNA MEDIA GROUP LUDACRIS CONCERT

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF FELECEIA BENTON RECEIVES AN AWARD FOR AMBASSADOR OF THE YEAR FOR DESOTO

SHAMAR WILLIS AND FELECEIA BENTON ATTEND “GODSPELL” AT TURNING POINT CHRISTIAN ACADEMY

AROUND TOWN

with the ladies of ELISIA MAGAZINE

SHANTE MCCOY AT THE OPEN ARMS MOBILE ASSISTANCE FUNDRAISER

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S A V E

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SEVEN ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS -- [DESOTO]

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