1 LOVE SHALL SAVE MANNKIND. Volume 1 of 4 The Seinfeld Day Ramayana Dada Rex 1st Real Magical Ameri by felix gelu konstantinescu

1 LOVE SHALL WILL SAVE MANNKIND. Volume 1 of 4 The Seinfeld Day Ramayana Dada Rex CanonPilot & 1 to 6 LDend 1st Real Magical American Novel,

Felix Rian Const, L’Ameriganno’ 2022, June 30 Snori sturluson’s collection ‘ Ca sa vezi ce fac eu pentru ;\merica, L’Ameriganno... +

Larry David is done with broadway, Larry David Sabbathhmann to Jorge Luis Borges & William Gates, Guillaume Apollinarie et Marchel Duchamp + Mona & Grigue Fr, F, 30 june 2022 AD MD Motto: Pana la Dumnezeu ai de strabatut un univers... F, PILOT, 1989

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[Scene: Comedy club] JERRY: You know, why we're here? [he means: here in the "Comedy club"] To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. [imitates one of these people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone] "Did you ring?, I can't find him." [imitates other person on phone] "Where did he go?" [the first person again] "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go.

[Scene: Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.] JERRY: Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. [talking about George's shirt] The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's

in no-man's-land, you look like you live with your mother.

GEORGE: Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?

GEORGE: Are you through? [kind of irritated]

JERRY: I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?

JERRY: You do of course try on, when you buy?

GEORGE: No, you didn't!

GEORGE: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons.

JERRY: I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...[looks in the milk can] There's no milk in here, what...

JERRY: Oh, you don't recall? GEORGE: [pretends he's talking into a microphone] Uh, no, not at this time. JERRY: Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. [a waitress approaches the table] WAITRESS: Mister Seinfeld. [she pours coffee in his cup] Mister Costanza. [she wants to pour coffee, but George stops her] GEORGE: Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator? WAITRESS: It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it's very challenging work. [ironically] JERRY: Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional waitress.

GEORGE: Wait wait wait, what is she, [takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table] what is she like? JERRY: Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking with you, but, ya know, obviously much better. GEORGE: [with a big smile] So, ya know, what, what happened? JERRY: Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but is was great. GEORGE: Oh, nothing happened, but it was... JERRY: Yeah. GEORGE: This is great!

WAITRESS: Trust me George: no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. [she pours the coffee and walks away]

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow?

GEORGE: So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!

JERRY: Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in.

JERRY: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning

and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together. GEORGE: [whistles disapproving] Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"? JERRY: Yeah, but... GEORGE: "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?

JERRY: [to George] Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know? GEORGE: [to Claire] Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says she has to [makes some gestures to accent "has to"] come to New York on business... JERRY: Oh you are beautiful! [ironically]

JERRY: Yeah! GEORGE: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman. JERRY: [indignant] What, serious...why, why did she call?

are

GEORGE: and, and maybe [again some gestures] she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?

you

GEORGE: How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite.

CLAIRE: I'd have to say: uuhh, no. [George shows his note-block to Jerry, it says very largely: NO] GEORGE: [to Claire] So why did she call?

JERRY: To be polite? You are insane! CLAIRE: To be polite. GEORGE: All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you? JERRY: Yes! GEORGE: You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency! JERRY: Oh, I get it, this is about the button.

GEORGE: To be polite, I rest my case. JERRY: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me [stands up], I, I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway. GEORGE: I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.

GEORGE: [The waitress(Claire) passes the table; George stops her and writes something on his note-block] Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right?

JERRY: Oh, come on, be a "come-withguy".

CLAIRE: What gave it away, George?

CLAIRE: [to Jerry] Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine: he'll perk up.

GEORGE: Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, ya know, from a female point of view.

GEORGE: Come on, I'm tired.

GEORGE: [takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes; panics] Right, I knew I felt

something...! [Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away with a smile]

[Scene: Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers]

GEORGE: What is that? It's ridiculous! [Jerry bobs agreeingly] You don't even know, what hotel she's staying at, you can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! [snaps his fingers again] Signal! JERRY: Maybe you're right.

GEORGE: Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. [walks away from the dryer; a man passes George and Jerry] JERRY: Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's got: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners; this is not his first load. GEORGE: I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta get out of the city, I feel so cramped... JERRY: And you didn't even hear how she sounded.

GEORGE: Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right. JERRY: This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable. GEORGE: [puts an arm around Jerry and whispers] I know, I know. [normal voice] Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried?

GEORGE: What?!

JERRY: No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish.

JERRY: Laura.

GEORGE: You're gonna "overdry" it.

GEORGE: I can't believe: [falls on his knees] WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!

JERRY: You, you can't "overdry". GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: Yeah, but how could you be so sure? GEORGE: [gets up] 'Cause it's signals, Jerry [starts snapping his fingers], it's signals! Don't you....all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy?

JERRY: Same as you can't "overwet". [George looks puzzled] You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".

JERRY: No. GEORGE: She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night! JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: [looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to them pointing to Jerry] Any questions? JERRY: How could she not tell me where she was staying? [George stands by the

dryer again and secretly opens it: the dryer stops working and George closes the lid] GEORGE: [points to the dryer] Look at that: they're done! It's a miracle! [Jerry looks surprised]

JERRY: [The phone rings. He picks it up and says:] If you know what happened in the Mets-game, don't say anything, I taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah, no [somebody knocks at the door] Yeah? [to the door, while still at the phone]

[Scene: Comedy club]

KRAMER: [enters] Are you up?

JERRY: "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the live of clothes. It is...no, think about it: the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there...shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon babe, let's gather". You come by, you open up the lid and they'll: [shows how clothes are acting when you open the lid]...Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers...the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper, the night before: [sock's voice] "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!" The dryer-door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road [shows how the sock is going down the road]. They got buttons sowed on their faces: join the puppet show...So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains...Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe you oughtta get the harpoon out your chest first.

JERRY: [To Kramer] Yeah...[in the phone] Yeah, people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem [hangs up the phone].

[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV]

KRAMER: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? JERRY: [upset] Ooohhhh, what are you doing? Kramer, it's a tape! [actually I can't understand the name; maybe "Kramer" wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!] I taped the game, it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this. KRAMER: Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...[takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets] You got any meat? JERRY: [a little irritated] Meat? I don't, I don't know, go...hunt! [Kramer walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in] Well what, what happened in the game anyway? KRAMER: [still with his head in the refrigerator] What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! [takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it] Ya know, I almost wound up going to that game. JERRY: [cynical] Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years!

KRAMER: Yeah. [Jerry sits down on the couch. Kramer sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry looks at him with a "whatthe-h...-are-you-doing-look" and Kramer asks:] Are you done with this? JERRY: No. KRAMER: [glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table] When you're done, let me know.

take me...[Kramer suddenly notices something in the Mets-game on TV]... KRAMER: A SLIDE!...Wow! JERRY: ...No, it's, it's just my neighbour...uhm...yeah, I got it [takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on] tenfifteen...No, don't be silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK, great, no no, it's no trouble at all...I'll see you tomorrow...great, bye. [hangs up the phone; to Kramer:] I, I don't believe it...That, that was her. She wants to stay here!

JERRY: Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow. KRAMER: I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend. JERRY: No, it's OK now, that, that girl is not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole thing. KRAMER: You want me to talk to her? JERRY: I don't think so. KRAMER: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer. [shows with his fingers how close it was]

[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George enter, lifting a heavy mattress] JERRY: If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. [talks from now on like he has a cigarette in his mouth] Have you got your end?...Your end's got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end's got to come down. GEORGE: Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra bed for woman, that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too? [sits down]

JERRY: That close, huh? KRAMER: You better believe it. [The phone rings. Jerry picks it up] JERRY: Hello...Oh, hi, Laura. KRAMER: Give me it...let me talk to her [continues this way]. JERRY: [gestures Kramer to shut up] No believe me, I'm always up at this hour. How are you?...great...sure...What time does the plane get in?...I got my friend George to

JERRY: [hands George a beer] Look, it's a very awkward situation, I, I don't wanna be presumptuous. GEORGE: All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the EXACT phrasing of the request? JERRY: All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel- room... GEORGE: A decent hotel-room...

JERRY: Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place.

GEORGE: So what? That's good.

GEORGE: You can't be serious. This is New York city: there must be eleven million decent hotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag? [waves with his handkerchief] This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!

GEORGE: Because filth is good...Whatta you think: rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin' around the bathroom? They, they have a woman comin' over: "I've gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.

JERRY: [cynical] This is the signal. Thank you, mister Signal, where were you yesterday?

JERRY: This is how you operate?

GEORGE: I think I was affected by the caffeine. [suddenly a dog enters the apartment and jumps George at the couch] HO, HO, HO, GOOD DOG [etc.]

JERRY: Let me just wipe the sink.

KRAMER: [walks in behind the dog and closes the door] He really likes you, George. GEORGE: flattering.

[ironically]

Well,

JERRY: Now, how could that be good?

GEORGE: Yeah, I wish.

KRAMER: [stands up from the couch and yells.] WHY EVEN GIVE HER AN OPTION FOR? [Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door; to George, while pointing to the mattress] It's unbelievable.

that's GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: [the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently starts drinking from the toilet] Oh, he's getting' a drink of water. [sees the mattress on the floor] Is this for that girl?

KRAMER: ...How's the real estate-business?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate?

GEORGE:...[surprised he asked] It's uh, not bad, it's comin' along...Why? Did you need something.

KRAMER: Why even give her an option? JERRY: This is a person I like, it's not: "How to score on spring break". GEORGE: Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked, I'm gonna get a ticket. JERRY: Yeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, I forgot to clean the bathroom.

GEORGE: Well, I might be getting in to that. KRAMER: [slaps George on the arm] You keep me posted! GEORGE: I'm aware of you, all right, let's go [opens the bathroom door], let's go! [Jerry and the dog come out] You're on stage in 25 minutes.

[Scene: Comedy club.] JERRY: The dating world is not a fun world...it's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and ya know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it, I know that...Ya know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one I'm, always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cottonballs, we're all human beings, what is the story? I've never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball right now"...I can certainly get out of this mess...Women need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat-moss(?) bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two orthree, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them...I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lockbaggy of cotton-balls over my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town: "Let's move on"... The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job-interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end

of it...ya know: "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?".

[Scene: Airport. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura] JERRY: Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? GEORGE: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'. JERRY: Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective: I've gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation. GEORGE: Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane. JERRY: Really? How? GEORGE: 'Cause it's all in the greeting. JERRY: Uh-huh. GEORGE: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. JERRY: Right. GEORGE: Ya know, anything in the, in the "lip-area" is good. JERRY: "Lip-area". GEORGE: Ya know a hug: definitely good. JERRY: Hug is definitely good.

GEORGE: Sure. JERRY: This is Laura. JERRY: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? GEORGE: That's so brutal, I hate that. JERRY: Ya know how they do that?

GEORGE: Laura, sure. JERRY: [to Laura] I can't believe you're here. GEORGE and JERRY: Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. [they pick up the bags]

GEORGE: That's why, ya know, a shake is bad.

LAURA: Oh, thank you.

JERRY: Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?

JERRY: [privately to George] Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George?

GEORGE: Hand-sandwich.

GEORGE: Yes, the "surprise-blindfoldgreeting". That wasn't in the manual, I don't know.

JERRY: Right. GEORGE: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...[suddenly a woman approaches Jerry from behind and puts her hands over Jerry's eyes] LAURA: Guess who?

[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment] JERRY: So uh, what do ya think? LAURA: Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad.

JERRY: Hey, hey. LAURA and JERRY: Heeeey! [they take each others hands like they're planning to do a folk dance; George is looking puzzled] JERRY: It's good to see you. LAURA: Hi.

JERRY: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road...So uh, make yourself at home. [Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt] So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing? LAURA: [laughs] Actually uhm, do you have any wine?

JERRY: This is my friend George. JERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do. LAURA: [shakes George's hand] Hi, how nice to meet you. GEORGE: Hi, how are you?

LAURA: Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down? [points to the lamp]

JERRY: Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. [she turns down the lamp]

JERRY: You're engaged? [still can't believe it]

LAURA: Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering: would it be possible, and if it's not, fine, for me to stay here tomorrow night too?

LAURA: Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of "we", uh, it's a very stressful situation.

JERRY: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin' anything?

JERRY: You're engaged! answering his own question]

[like

he's

LAURA: Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy... LAURA: No, I'd love to do something, uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that I'm right open. JERRY: Really? What would you like to do?

JERRY: Yeah. LAURA: You'd really like him...ya know, I can't wait to get on that boat. JERRY: Me too!

LAURA: Well...now I know this sounds touristy, but I'd just love to go on one of those five-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan. JERRY: [doubtfully] Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. [pours the wine] I'm just, I'm really glad you're here. [the phone rings; he picks it up] Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. [to Laura] Uhm, it's for you. LAURA: [she takes the phone] Hello?...Hi!...no no it was great, right on time...no, I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes it's fine..no, we're goin' on a boat-ride...don't be silly...I'm not gonna have this conversation...look I, I'll call you tomorrow...OK, bye [she hangs up the phone]. Never get engaged. JERRY: You're engaged? LAURA: You, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it and I'm on this emotional roller coaster.

[Scene: Comedy club.] JERRY: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it!...It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks: [imitates horn]

e-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh, this man is out of ideas. How does it...? [imitates horn again] e-e-e-eeeehhhh, "I don't think she likes me"...The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we. Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. "Where ever women are?", we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, OK, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene...That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: "Where to meet men?". We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Episode #103 [Series Premiere] Originally Aired: Thursday, May 31, 1990, 9:30PM =============================== =============================== ============== Thanks to Scott for typing this in and Steve for filling in the holes =============================== =============================== ============== Production Credits: Supervising Charles

Producer

.................

Larry

Supervising Cherones

Producer

.................

Tom

Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact

Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Written By ........................... Larry David

Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones

Season 1 (1990) The Stakeout Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

=============================== =============================== ==============

Cast: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Castanza Alexander

......................

Jason

Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDreyfus

of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture to audience

Kramer Richards

for response)

...............................

Michael

Audience: Cheque With: Vanessa .............................. Lynn Clark Morty Seinfeld ....................... Phil Bruns

Jerry: Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that

Helen Seinfeld ....................... Liz Sheridan Pamela ............................... Winchester

Maud

Roger ................................ William Fair Artie ................................ Ron Steelman

women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for

Uncle Mac ............................ Joe George Carol ................................ Ellen Gerstein Woman ................................ Janet Rotblatt =============================== =============================== ============== Quotes and Scene summary: =============================== =============================== ============== % Opening monologue Jerry: So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both

the cheque book-- the cheque book comes out of a holster: ["draws" imaginary book from an imaginary holster] ``Who do I make it out to?... There's my ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?''

[End monologue] % Open at a video store where Jerry and some woman named "Elaine" are % apparently looking to rent a movie for the night. Jerry: What's that one? Elaine: "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there... Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if

Elaine: Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's birthday. Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her? Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out. Jerry: Oh yeah, right... Elaine: You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you? Jerry: [quickly] No.

she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I

Elaine: Blonde hair remember? Glasses? [pause] Have you *totally* blocked

gotta have a Lo mein!" out the entire time we were a couple? Elaine: Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*. Jerry: Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this.

% Bing! Jerry: Riverside Drive. Elaine: Right! In fact... No, never mind...

% Jerry shows Elaine some movie from the Adult section that's probably % called "The Sperminator", or something...

Jerry: Well, what is it? Elaine: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some

Elaine: Oh, lovely... Jerry: Yeah...

bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... no.

Elaine: What do you think their parents think?

Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.

Jerry: "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?"

Elaine: What little deal?

"Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..."

Jerry: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday.

Elaine: A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man?

Jerry: I met her *one* time... Elaine: It is not necessary.

Jerry: Y'know, my parents are coming in for this...

Jerry: What did you say then?

Elaine: They're coming in?

Elaine: Sssshhhhhh!!!

Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow.

Pamela: Hi

Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?

Elaine: Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry. Pamela: Yes, we met.

Jerry: No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across. Elaine: Why does he do that?

Jerry: Hi, happy birthday. Pamela: Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.

Jerry: Doesn't think anyone can tell? Guests: Hi Jerry: So c'mon, do we have a deal? Jerry: I didn't bring anything. Elaine: A *wedding*? Pamela: Ahh, I put you two right here. Jerry: There's a lot of people to mock... Elaine: Alright, what the Hell.

Jerry: Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know what

Jerry: Great!

to bring, nobody told me.

Woman: When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin'

% They sit down at a table next to each other. The piano man plays

anywhere...

% your basic "one-step-up-from-elevatormusic" (simply 'cuz you're not

% Still haven't figured *that* one out yet. Nevertheless, at the bar

% stuck in an elevator while listening to it). Across from Jerry is

% the next night... % a strikingly beautiful woman. She speaks: Elaine: C'mon lets go, c'mon... Jerry: Was I supposed to bring something?

Vanessa: How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop?

Elaine: You could have.

Jerry: I'm in for five...

Vanessa: I'll supply the hat. Elaine: Oh, Jerry! Jerry: [To himself] Uh-oh... What do we have here...

Jerry: [To himself] Oh no, not *now*...

Vanessa: Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?

Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it.

Jerry: Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly.

Jerry: Oh really... [To himself] Oh God, I gotta get out of this...

Vanessa: How masculine...

Elaine: You were you, but, you weren't you...

Jerry: Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos.

Jerry: No kidding... [To himself] Why is this happening? Please, make

[To himself] She's unbelievable! her stop! % The guy beside Venus, er, I mean Vanessa interrupts to tell her about this

Elaine: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were

% unseen guy next to him. Roger: [To Vanessa] Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker...

standing there, you were looking out the window-Jerry: [To himself] This is *brutal*...

Vanessa: Oh, you know Bricker! From where? % With their conversation interrupted, Jerry ponders to himself... Jerry: [To himself] What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver

Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth... Jerry: How do you like that... [To himself] Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck... Elaine: Jerry? Are you listening to me? Jerry: Yes, I *heard* you.

anyway with Elaine next to me... Vanessa: [To Jerry] How do you know Pamela?

Pamela: Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time?

Jerry: Friend of a friend. And you? Jerry: [To himself] Thank *you*, Pamela! Vanessa: We went to law school together.

Jerry: [To Vanessa] So, you're a lawyer...

% known her name 70 lines ago...

Vanessa: Sagman, Oppenheim and Taft.

Robbins,

Jerry: [To himself, *very* quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and

Jerry: [To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.

Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...

Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft...

% A grim stare from Elaine knocks his concentration. After the party, in

[To Vanessa] Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!

% the cab home...

Bennet,

Jerry: That wasn't so bad, really... Vanessa: Oh, that was you! Jerry: Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...

Elaine: Y'know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners. Jerry: Why? What did I do?

Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do? % You mean besides not bringing anything? Jerry: Comedian. Vanessa: Really... That explains it... Jerry: [To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.

Elaine: Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses", like I'm selling you aluminum siding. Jerry: I was listening!

Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.

Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation".

Roger: Are you ready? Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday! % The two of them get up an leave. Jerry panics n his own mind... Jerry: [To himself] I can't believe it-- I got *nothing*! I don't even

% Okay Jerry. Bottom of the ninth. Two on, down by one. Two strikes on % you. Let's see how you do in the clutch... Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had. Elaine: Uh-huh...

know her name! % So far, so good. % Oh, poor Jerry. If only he would read my episode capsules, he would've

Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.

% Oops. Whiff. Elaine: No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* had wooden teeth! *I* didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did! Jerry: Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so what?

% Jerry gets home after the party. His place is characteristically not % vacant, but it's not Kramer inside-- it's his folks. Jerry: Hey! Morty: Ah, there he is!

Elaine: So nothing... Nothing... % Cut to Jerry in a nightclub somewhere, doing another monologue...

Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!

Jerry: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go *out* with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and go

Helen: Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this... Jerry: What are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you here... Helen: Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel. Jerry: Ma, will you stop? Helen: No, why should we take over your apartment? Jerry: I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door.

right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!'' I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet

Helen: Your friend Kramer doesn't mind? Jerry: No, he's making a bouillabaisse. Jerry: So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices?

you there were guys who tried to do it, just went: ``Hi, my name's

Morty: Depends on the firm.

Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a

Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they

*"Riconic"* relationship...''

would know who it was?

Morty: What's the matter? You need a lawyer?

% Both his parents respond in that "You know so little son, that's to be

Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I

% expected", sarcastic, know-it-all tone... H + M: Oh, well...

don't know her name. Morty: So why don't you ask someone who was at the party? Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her.

Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry... % Oops. Cat got your collective tongue, folks? They occupy themselves

Helen: Why not?

% for a few seconds, not knowing how to respond to *that*...

Jerry: Because it's complicated-- there's some tension there.

Helen: Well, I think she's a very attractive girl.

Helen: He used to go with her...

Jerry: Oh, she is, she absolutely is.

Helen: Which one is she?

Helen: I can see if there was a *weight* problem...

Morty: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered

Jerry: No, it's not that. It wasn't all onesided.

cherries you didn't like. Morty: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person. Jerry: Oh yeah, she's great. Helen: So, how come nothing materialized there? Jerry: Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno... Helen: I know what it was...

% Why, Jerry? How could anyone not like you? Helen: You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect. % Except Seinfeld?

maybe

Jerry.

Right,

Mrs.

Jerry: I know, I know... Morty: Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular.

Jerry: You don't know what it was... Helen: So, what was it?

Helen: Idiot... [To Jerry] So who're you looking for, Sophia Loren?

Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason...

Jerry: That's got *nothin'* to do with it.

Helen: Up to her office? Morty: How about Loni Anderson? Helen: Where do you get Loni Anderson? Morty: Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson? Helen: I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson...

Morty: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she? Jerry: I guess... Morty: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch.

% That makes a bunch of us, Mrs. Seinfeld...

Jerry: You mean "stakeout" the lobby?

Jerry: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't "the one".

Helen: Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!

Helen: And this other one's "the one"?

Morty: He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number.

Jerry: I dunno, maybe... Morty: So ask Elaine there for the number. Jerry: I can't-- she'll get upset. I never talk about other women with her,

Helen: So you've got him standing by the elevator like a *dope*! What happens when he sees her? Morty: He pretends he *bumped* into her!

especially this one tonight. Helen: How could you still see her if your not interested? Jerry: We're *friends*. Morty: Doesn't sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd

Jerry: Y'know what? This is *not* that *bad* an idea... % At the building, G+J start to plot their strategy. George: What does she look like? Jerry: I dunno. Hard to say.

ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?

George: What actress does she remind you of?

Jerry: Oh yeah... Jerry: Loni Anderson. % Yeah, but can he say it six times fast? Actually, he probably can... Morty: Well, go up to the office.

George: Loni Anderson?! Jerry: What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson?

Jerry: Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it.

George: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Harbin-son.

George: Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th st. Besides, you think

Jerry: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.

I wanna miss this?

George: No good? Alright, how about Art... Corr.....

Jerry: I'm a little nervous.

Jerry: Art Corr...

George: Yeah, me too...

George: ...velay...

Jerry: If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building?

Jerry: Corvelay? George: Yeah, right.

George: You came to see me; I work in the building.

Jerry: Well, what does *he* do?

Jerry: What do you do?

George: He's an importer.

George: I'm an *architect*.

Jerry: Just imports, no exports?

Jerry: You're an *architect*?

George: He's an importer/exporter, okay?

George: I'm not?

George: Say, did Elaine ever call you back?

Jerry: I don't see architecture comin from you...

Jerry: No, I guess she's still mad.

George: I suppose *you* could be an architect...

George: I don't understand, you never talk to her about other women? Jerry: Never.

Jerry: I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin' else...

% Bing! The elevator opens up and...

George: Alright, she's not even gonna ask, if we *see* her, which is remote.

Jerry: Wait a second... That's her... on the right.

Jerry: Well what'dya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?!

George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!

George: We're having lunch with a friend-he works in the building.

Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay. George: Vandelay!

Jerry: What is *his* name?

Jerry: Corvelay!

Vanessa: Really. What do you design?

George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!

George: Uh, railroads, uh...

% Jerry ignores George and approaches Vanessa.

Vanessa: I thought engineers do that. George: They can...

Jerry: Hey, hey... Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there...

Jerry: Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.

Jerry. Vanessa: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.

Vanessa: Sure! Hi! Jerry: This is George. ["Grasps" for her name] I'm sorry...

Jerry: Oh, that guy was your *cousin*! Vanessa: Yeah, and that woman was your--

Vanessa: Vanessa. Jerry: Friend! George: Nice to meet you. George: I'll just, uh, get a paper... Jerry: Ah, Sagman, Oppenheim and Taft.

Bennet,

Robbins,

Vanessa: That's right! What're you doing here?

Jerry: So, um, do you date immature men? Vanessa: Almost exclusively... % I'm next! I'm next!

Jerry: Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building.

% % After yours truly goes through a reality check, we cut to Jerry's

George: Yeah, Art *Vandelay*. Vanessa: Really? Which company? Jerry: I don't know. He's an importer.

% apartment where mother and son engage in a friendly game of Scrabble. % Jerry's Mom sings to herself while she apparently tries to make words

Vanessa: Importer? % out of a meaningless string of letters. George: ...And exporter. Jerry: He's an importer/exporter.

Helen: Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum...

George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.

Jerry: Ma, will you go already?

Helen: Bum bum bum bum...

well with Art... "Vandelay"?''

% She picks up a nearby dictionary...

Jerry: She said *what*?

Jerry: What are you doing?!

Helen: Just what I said, here.

Helen: Wait, I just want to see something...

% She hands Jerry the note. He reads it.

Jerry: You can't look in there, we're playing!

Jerry: She knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*...

% The K-Man cometh... Helen: She knows what? Morty: Evening, Mr. Kramer! Kramer: Hey Morty! [To Jerry] Salad dressing? Jerry: Look. Helen: "Quo"? Is that a word?

Jerry: She knows the whole stupid thing... Vanessa and the elevator... % The brute secretly offers up a word to Mrs. Seinfeld... Helen: No, no, no, that won't do. He may have a "Z"...

Jerry: Maybe! Morty: So, how did she find out? Helen: Will you challenge it? Jerry: Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary! Dad, she's cheating!

Jerry: Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine.

Kramer: "Quo"? That's not a word. Helen: [To Jerry] You're such a stickler...

% While, they talk, Kramer has covertly scoped Jerry's tiles to confirm

Jerry: Well put *something* down, you're taking twenty minutes on this.

% that Jer doesn't have a "Z". This goes unnoticed by Jerry, who continues

So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before the

% to talk with his Pop... Morty: So, what are you? Afraid of her?

wedding? Jerry: Yes. *Yes* *I* *am*! Helen: They'll be here at two o'clock... Oh, Elaine called. She said she'd be here at 2:30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting went

Jerry: What else did she say on the phone? Helen: Whatever I wrote down.

Jerry: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?

Kramer: Nah, we need a *medical* dictionary! If a patient gets difficult,

Helen: Who am I, Rich Little?

you *quone* him...

Morty: Well, she can't be too mad-- she's still coming to the wedding.

% End Act II. Open at Jerry's apartment with a few people mingling about,

Jerry: Yeah, but now I'm nervous.

% waiting to go to the wedding. Jerry is talking to Carol <I miss the first

Helen: Oh, stop it. % few seconds here. Sorry> % She makes her move and tallies the points...

Carol: You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work,

Jerry: "Quone"? now that's a sitcom! Helen: ...30...31... Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.

Jerry: You must have quite a time down there. [Checks his watch] Carol: We got plenty of time...

Helen: ...32... Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a

Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone...

*definite* word.

Mac: Watch what you say to this guy-- he'll put it in his next act!

Jerry: I am challenging...

Jerry: Yeah, yeah...

Kramer: Quone: to quone something.

Mac: Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing a book? An autobiography.

Jerry: Uh-huh... Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it... Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore... Mac: It's based on all my experiences! Morty: Quone's not a word... Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off...

Jerry: That's perfect. [Elaine enters] Could you excuse me one second. I'm sorry.

Helen: Why did you make me put that down?

% Jerry goes over and greets Elaine. Jerry: How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld.

Elaine: Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes.

% As in Levyne. He leaves with Carol.

Jerry: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get

Jerry: Yeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp... Anyway, I

in the car?

admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean,

Elaine: Oh no, let's do it now. obviously we have a little problem here. Jerry: Alright, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-Elaine: Okay...

Elaine: Yeah, obviously. Jerry: I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about

Artie: Jerry, were you goin' with us? other people... Jerry: No, I'm gonna take my car. Elaine: Couldn't agree more. Artie: That's why I brought the wagon. Why the Hell did I bring the wagon? Jerry: Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so

Jerry: Good. Elaine: Good. Jerry: Good.

uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab. Elaine: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the spectacle. Carol: Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.

Elaine: Great! Jerry: Great? Where do you get "great"? Elaine: It's great to... talk about... other people... Jerry: ...Guys. Elaine: Yeah.

Elaine: Oh, bye. Good to see you. Artie: Oh, we didn't meet. Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin Artie Levine.

Jerry: Uh-huh... specific?

Yeah...

So,

anybody

Elaine: No. A general guy. Jerry: Oh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes...

% As in Liveen. Elaine: What? No, it's not a big deal. Artie: Le*vine*.

Jerry: No, that's great! That's terrific!

Jerry: Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone,

Elaine: No, we just met... Jerry: Doesn't matter. What's the young man's name? I would like to meet him. Elaine: I don't think so... Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer

or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to

of some sort? entertain each other. Elaine: Wall street. The one goes, "Look, a rabbit." Jerry: Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut. Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin'

The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card." "Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night?

Jerry: [pause] Alright, sir. Okay?" Elaine: And... he's *hilarious*. [End] Jerry: Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy? Elaine: I "staked" out his health club.

=============================== =============================== =============

% This is why I'll never be a writer. To me, this would've been "stook

% out". I'm such a dweeb... Jerry: When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?...

The Robbery Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

% Closing monologue [Scene: Comedy club]

JERRY: So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that

[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting

I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...

at the table watching Jerry]

the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.

JERRY: Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. [zips his bag with exaggerated motions] That's it. Done!

[shows several fingers to the audience] It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and uh [pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to person driving next to him] look at that toe, buddy. [puts his

ELAINE: [claps her hands] That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen. JERRY: [proudly] I am...the master packer. ELAINE: [laughs] Yeah, right, you're the master packer. JERRY: What you must understand, Elaine, [picks up the umbrella] packing is no different than leading men into battle: you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses [hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella] of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.

foot down] I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,

ELAINE: 'Scuse me...master packer!

isn't it ?

JERRY: ...Yes.

ELAINE: Just gimme your keys.

JERRY: One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity:

JERRY: Alright, sir. [tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer

strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a

goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom] George?

big favour: do it in the tub. GEORGE: [walks in] Ready?

GEORGE: [outside over the intercom] Yeah JERRY: Yeah, one sec. ELAINE: [Jerry opens the door] OK, so, now, is there anything

GEORGE: [closes the door] Hey, Elaine

else I need to know 'bout this place?

ELAINE: Hi.

JERRY: uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes a little while to

GEORGE: Coming to the airport with us?

come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all

ELAINE: No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a break from my roommate.

your shopping, you...come back and take a shower. ELAINE: OK, this is quite a place. JERRY: There's more, the refrigerator. [Opens it] Deduct a minimum of two days of all expiration dates. [uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator] No meat, no leftovers, no butter. [closes the refrigerator] And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is

GEORGE: Oh, the actress-waitress. ELAINE: No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing: [singing] "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it right in her... GEORGE: You just kick her out.

that clear?

ELAINE: She's on the lease!...George you have got to find an

ELAINE: I'll eat out.

other place for me.

GEORGE: Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something good in

ELAINE: It's time you got out a here anyway.

your price-range. [looks like he remembers something and turns

GEORGE: Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double parked here.

to Jerry] But you, my friend, may be in luck.

ELAINE: Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have

JERRY: I'm not looking. no hot water, you can't have soft cheese... GEORGE: No no no, this one's different, this one's a beauty!

GEORGE: Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on

JERRY: Yeah, what's it like? GEORGE: I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom", it's on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park? JERRY: How much? GEORGE: Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great

here for ten years; no human can turn this off. ELAINE: Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, you should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.

building, it's two bedrooms!

JERRY: Like this? You just said, you wanted to live here.

JERRY: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough

ELAINE: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from

trouble maintaining activity in one. [George looks at Elaine

Island to Finland.

with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around] I saw that.

GEORGE: Jerry, what wanna...you wanna see the

ya...you

place or not? ELAINE: You oughtta least take a look at it. JERRY: Really? Why?

JERRY: I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to

ELAINE: 'Cause then I could move in here.

Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.

JERRY: Ooohhhh

[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his

KRAMER: Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I

bags.] JERRY: Elaine! [puts his bags down, sits down on the couch,

came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back!

picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV] JERRY: [notices the TV is missing] ELAINE!

JERRY: Wait, you left the lock open or the door open? KRAMER: [bobs his head guiltily] The door.

ELAINE: [from the bathroom] JERRY! [enters the living-room]

JERRY: The door? You left the door open?

Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.

JERRY: Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's the VCR.

JERRY: Yeah, and?

[Elaine looks guilty] What?

KRAMER: Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera...[with

ELAINE: They were stolen.

a broken voice] The Bold and the Beautiful

JERRY: Stolen? When?

JERRY: So the door was wide open?

ELAINE: A couple a hours ago, the police are coming right

KRAMER: Wide open!

over. JERRY: Stolen?

JERRY: [Elaine enters the living-room] And where were you? ELAINE: I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to

ELAINE: [Kramer enters the apartment] Someone left the door

heat up.

open. [it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the

KRAMER: Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance,

bathroom]

right buddy?

JERRY: [to Kramer] You left the door open?!

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: [looks shocked] How can you not have insurance?

of somebody out there returning my calls. POLICEMAN: What do ya mean?

JERRY: Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's

JERRY: It's a joke.

the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only

POLICEMAN: I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into

one design flaw: the door...[shuts the door] must be CLOSED.

it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find

Kramer: Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it,

anything. JERRY: You ever find anything?

I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case! JERRY: Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an

POLICEMAN: No. [hands Jerry his copy of the report] JERRY: Well, thanks anyway.

accident. POLICEMAN: You bet. KRAMER: [theatrical] I made a mistake. ELAINE: [idem] These things happen

ELAINE: [Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters]

KRAMER: [idem] I'm human

I didn't get that joke either.

JERRY: In your way.

JERRY: The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him.

[Scene: Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a

He's the crook: why would he answer... [turns around and sees

report. Jerry and Elaine are there.] POLICEMAN: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it?

George standing behind him] How did you get in here? GEORGE: [makes some weird motions] I walked in, your lobby door is broken again.

ELAINE: Answering machine. JERRY: Again. JERRY: [disappointed] Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea

GEORGE: I don't know how you put up with this.

ELAINE: Yeah, tell'm George. JERRY: [to Elaine] You would still wanna move in here? ELAINE: Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel

copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few

Merman without the talent. JERRY: [to George] Is that uh, other apartment still available. [George shows him the keys]

crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can

[Scene: Comedy club.] JERRY: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now,

round him up, he's dressed PENGUIN! We can find him,

he's a PENGUIN! the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will

[Scene: The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry

say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So

are entering the apartment.]

you think to yourself, ya know, you watch TV, you think: "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police

ELAINE: [looks around] Oh, well, come on...this is an apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? [takes a closer look at the fireplace]

come over to your house...they fill out: the report...they give you: your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his

GEORGE: I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this is incredible.

JERRY: How do you get all that wood in here?

wood. JERRY: Oh, than I gotta tip him.

ELAINE: They deliver it. JERRY: They deliver wood?

ELAINE: Oh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this

ELAINE: Yeah.

great light!

JERRY: Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"?

JERRY: I don't have any plants.

GEORGE: [looking intensively at the form with the apartment

GEORGE: I have plants.

description] I didn't know there was a fireplace? ELAINE: Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden.

ELAINE: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking in it! [walks in the closet] It's a "walk-in". Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!

GEORGE: A garden! I can't believe there's a garden!

JERRY: [closes the closet with Elaine still in it]...I like

JERRY: Would I have to get a gardener? ELAINE: Yeah, you can get a gardener.

that. [opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look]

JERRY: You tip him?

What do ya think, George?

ELAINE: You can.

GEORGE: It's your decision.

GEORGE: [to Elaine] You don't tip a gardener!

JERRY: [walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying

ELAINE: You can tip a gardener.

his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not

GEORGE: You don't need a gardener. ELAINE: Jerry, you can barbecue back here [points to garden].

able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing]

JERRY: They deliver the coal?

I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this

ELAINE: Sure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the

is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.

ELAINE: [laughing with joy] Your movin'? That means I'm movin'. [hugs Jerry] Gheeeeee [runs to George] isn't that

ELAINE: For this couch?! JERRY: [shuts the door] OK, you tell me, what is it worth?

incredible!

ELAINE: OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could go as high as

GEORGE: Congratulations. [obviously not so thrilled by the

uh... [takes a closer look at couch] I don't know, maybe...$20

fact]

dollars? JERRY: [has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on his face; the

[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.]

apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom]

ELAINE: What about the couch? Yeah? JERRY: You like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do.

GEORGE: [outside over the intercom] Yeah, it's George.

ELAINE: What? JERRY: You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. [Elaine looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall] Get it out a

JERRY: Come on up. [opens the door; walks back to the couch] Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now... [picks up the cushions] I'm just gonna pack up the cushions right now...

here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see

ELAINE: OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars.

it, go, get it out. ELAINE: A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? For this couch? JERRY: Yeah!

JERRY: You wanna get the other end, 'cause I wanna get it in the hall. [acts like he's going to lift up the couch]

ELAINE: $50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that all right? JERRY: $50 dollars?

JERRY: You could take it? You want it? GEORGE: No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it.

ELAINE: Uh-huh. JERRY: So you do want it. JERRY: Thank you very much. ELAINE: Thank you very much. GEORGE: [walks in and closes the door] Hey, what's goin' on? ELAINE: I just bought Jerry's couch for $50 dollars.

GEORGE: No I, I want it if you don't want it! JERRY: You just said, you wanted it! GEORGE: No, I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.

JERRY: [to George] So did you bring the lease? [George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry] All right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time. GEORGE: Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry [said very quickly],

JERRY: [picks up the lease and hands it to George] So take it. GEORGE: [refuses to take the lease from Jerry; Elaine looks worried] How can I take it?! JERRY: How can I take it? GEORGE: It's your apartment!

listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at

JERRY: How can I want it now, if you want it?

all, at all: do not feel like you have to take it. JERRY: Why?

ELAINE: Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause any trouble

GEORGE: If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want

here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?

it,

GEORGE: Yes, but I am not taking it.

don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take

JERRY: I...am not taking it. [drops the lease demonstratively]

it, ya know. [said with a "for-instance-look" on his face]

ELAINE: Well, one of you better damn well take it!

JERRY: Well, whatta you wanna do here?

JERRY: So what?

GEORGE: I, I don't know. [makes a gesture, that he doesn't

GEORGE: INTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT. COME ON, ARE YOU

know]

CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it.

JERRY: Do you wanna flip a coin? JERRY: You didn't call no interference! GEORGE: ...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.

GEORGE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S A RULE!!

JERRY: OK, fine...[takes a coin from his pocket] This is the

JERRY: I don't believe this.

official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and

GEORGE: Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it,

that's it, agreed?

just take it!

GEORGE: I'm good.

JERRY: I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do ya

ELAINE: I don't know, who to rune for, George's place has

think?

carpeting.

ELAINE: I'd better not...

JERRY: All right, now you call it in the air.

JERRY: ...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose you for it.

GEORGE: No catchin'. JERRY: No no. GEORGE: Flip it. [Jerry flips the coin] Heads! [the coin hits the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at

Straight choose, three disputes...that's it, you

it,

gotta win three. GEORGE: OK [they walk around each other]...OK. I'll choose you...whatta ya want?

the coin] JERRY: Odds JERRY: Tails! GEORGE: I want evens. GEORGE: No, it hit the table, it hit the table.

takes

JERRY: Good.

GEORGE: You got odds.

Englishman, who lives down the hall?

JERRY You got evens.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Right, ready.

KRAMER: The last couple a days he's been acting very strange;

JERRY: For the apartment. [they take their "choose positions"]

I think he's avoiding me.

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

JERRY: Hard to imagine. [ironically]

JERRY: Mine!

KRAMER: Yeah! And get this: I just got of the elevator with

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot! JERRY: Mine! [George walks to the table to take a break] BOTH: [they take their positions again] Once, twice, three,

him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this [shows how he was acting

shoot!

in the elevator], I went: "Oh, by the way, I now about the

GEORGE: Mine!

stuff."

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: [Jerry wins, measuring up Jerry's couch]

Elaine

starts

KRAMER: Ya know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me

Congratulations...congratulations.

in to his confidence.

JERRY: Thanks. [George walks to the bathroom]

ELAINE: So what did he say? KRAMER: "What stuff?".

GEORGE: [screaming in bathroom] WHAT DID I PUT UP TO? WHAT DID I PUT UP TO? KRAMER: [enters the apartment "Kramerstyle"] Jerry, I think I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the

JERRY: Ooh, case closed! [ironically] KRAMER: No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed...see, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something!

Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if I

for the front seat"...and the judge would go: "Did he call

don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the

it?" [lawyer's voice again] "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG!

police.

[imitating a hammer being hit by the judge]; [judges voice

JERRY: OK, watch]...NOW!

starting

[looks

his again] "He has to call closed...objection overruled".

it,

case

KRAMER: Yeah! [said in his own typical way and he runs off] [Scene: Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a [Scene: Comedy club] JERRY: One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them

table, George bathroom]

returning

from

the

GEORGE: [walks towards the table] I love the mirror in that bathroom! I don't know what in the hell it is: I look terrific in that mirror. [sits down] I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.

say: "I got the front seat" [other kid's voice] "I wanted the

JERRY: [bobs his head] It's a good mirror... [both look at

front seat!" [first kid again] "I called it". And the other

their menus] So, what are ya gettin'?

kid knows he's got nothing to say: [other kid's voice] "He

GEORGE: I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't have anything

called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law"

anymore. Look at this, look at this: eggs: out, coffee: out,

it holds up: [lawyer's voice] "Your Honour, my client did ask

french fries: out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents:

three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot!

JERRY: All right, forget it, it's over, I'm not moving.

They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them: "How can

GEORGE: Well, me neither. JERRY: Definitely?

you eat that stuff?!"...[they look at their menus again] I'm

GEORGE: Definitely.

so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.

JERRY: Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't have any

JERRY: Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm not taking the

problem.

place!

GEORGE: No, it's not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment

GEORGE: What?!

this afternoon. [a waitress approaches]

JERRY: How can I live there?

WAITRESS: What apartment?

GEORGE: Why not?!

GEORGE: Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom" uh, west

JERRY: Look at you, you're still thinking about it, I'll never

83rd 'bout half block from the park.

feel comfortable.

WAITRESS: What's the rent?

GEORGE: Oh, get out a here.

[Scene: The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it;

JERRY: How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping.

Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a

GEORGE: Mope? couch, all three moping] JERRY: You're already moping!...Would you take the place? GEORGE: apartment.

No,

impossible!

JERRY: You found the place.

It's

GEORGE: I don't know, what we're doin' here, this is

your ridiculous. JERRY: She wanted to thank us for the apartment. [very

GEORGE: You won the choose. irritated]

ELAINE: I can't believe I lost the deposit on that u-hall. [I can't quite understand what she'd saying here]And I threw out my couch. [She slaps Jerry on the leg] JERRY: If only the coin hadn't hit the table. GEORGE: The table is interference, you know it! JERRY: It is not!

CAROL: It's a dream. LARRY: I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable. GEORGE: We're really glad for ya. [very sadly] ELAINE: Couldn't be happier. [idem] JERRY: It's wonderful. [idem; they sit down again]

GEORGE: It is too! ELAINE: My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carrousel. [irritated] WAITRESS(CAROL): Hi.

CAROL: Diane, Diane, come here. [she beckons a women; she comes to the couch] This is my new next door neighbour, Diane. [Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very

GEORGE: Hi, Carol. CAROL: I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is Larry [points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get up]. This is George, Elaine and Jerry [points to them] [to Larry] These are the guys who got us the apartment. LARRY: Oh, you don't know how grateful I am, if there's anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so thrilled with this place.

attractive] [to Diane] These are the guys, who turned this place down, can you believe it? [to Jerry, George and Elaine] Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse! DIANE: How, how could you guys have turned this place down, it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park. GEORGE: We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes. DIANE: Well, it was nice to meet you. [she walks away]

GEORGE: Nice meeting you. [shakes Carol's hand; they sit down again; Carol walks away] JERRY: How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head. [two men are

Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: June 14, 1990 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, and Kevin Dunn (as Joel).

standing behind the couch talking] RIGHT MAN: I get a call from Gilmore this morning and get this: they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I

[Setting: Nightclub] JERRY: Most men like working on things, tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on

gotta be there on the first of the month. LEFT MAN: Really? What are you gonna 'bout the apartment? RIGHT GUY: Well, what can I do? Give it up. JERRY, ELAINE and GEORGE: What's the rent? Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com Male Unbonding Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld

something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, the Philips head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those

little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the

one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my

steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."

pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.

[Setting: Jerry's apartment building]

JERRY: Ah, mint.

(Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator)

GEORGE: Of course. So, I'm looking at it, I look up, I see she's looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just..

GEORGE: I had to say something. I had to say something. Everything was going so well; I had to say something. JERRY: I don't think you did anything wrong. GEORGE: I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I don't tell you.

(eleveator doors open, they get off) JERRY: So let me get this straight: she saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her. GEORGE: If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.

JERRY: We can only thank God for that.

JERRY: And you're sure the floss was the catalyst?

(Elevator opens, they get on)

GEORGE: Yes, I am.

GEORGE: I'm outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) It's only a matter of time now.

JERRY: (looks at a carrying pouch George is wearing) You don't think it might've had anything to do with that?

JERRY: You're imagining this. Really.

GEORGE: What? You don't like this?

GEORGE: Oh no. No, no, no, no.

JERRY: It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

(elevator doors close) GEORGE(cont.): I'll tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket. JERRY: What floss? When? GEORGE: We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her

(they go into Jerry's apartment to find Kramer talking on the phone) KRAMER: Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (resumes talking on the phone) Yeah, yeah yeah,

yeah, take my number - 555-8643. Okay, here he is. (hands phone to Jerry.)

JERRY: We're Wednesday.

going.

That's

JERRY: (to Kramer) Who is it? GEORGE: Oh. Who is this guy? KRAMER: Take it.

KRAMER: It's for you.

JERRY: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of

JERRY: (into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) .. No. I was out of town. I just got back.. Kramer doesn't know anything.. He's just

my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table.. he's so selfinvolved.

my next-door neighbor. Uh.. nothing much.. Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody.. Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's okay.. Alright. Uh, I'm a little busy

(phone rings, Kramer pulls his phone out of his pocket)

JERRY: Who is it?

right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? .. Okay.. yeah.. right.. thanks.. bye. (hangs up, then addresses Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone. KRAMER: Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to you JERRY: Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.

KRAMER: That's for me. (into phone) Kramerica Industries.. Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie. JERRY: Can you conduct your business elsewhere? KRAMER: (ignoring Jerry) No, no, no. I'm talking about a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. (Kramer leaves Jerry's apartment while still on the phone.)

KRAMER: Well, why not? JERRY: He bothers me. I don't even answer the phone anymore because of him. He's turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday. GEORGE: What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? We're not going?

GEORGE: I don't know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, I'll tell you that. JERRY: I don't bother with him. He's been calling me for seven years. I've never called him once! He's got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.

GEORGE: I don't understand why you spend time with this guy. JERRY: What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him "I Don't think we're right for each other.." He's a guy. At least with a woman, there's a precendent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it. GEORGE: No, no, no,no you have to approach this as if he was a woman.

(Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table) JOEL: ..so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him.. and I think, uh, Geraldo. JERRY: You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really interesting.. he would-

JERRY: Just break up with him?

JOEL: (interrupting) Hey, hey, hey, hey we're starving here! We've been waiting here for ten minutes already!

GEORGE: Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.

JERRY: (testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer.

(scene ends)

JOEL: I have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic.

[Setting: Nightclub] JERRY: As a guy I don't know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill, I feel I need to see other men." Do you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports and women - is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever

JERRY: Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it is Farsi. JOEL: Do you think I need a haircut? (waitress comes to their table) WAITRESS: Are you ready? JERRY: Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat. JOEL: Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't want that processed turkey. I hate it. WAITRESS: I think it's real turkey. JOEL: Is there a real bird in the back?

say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?" WAITRESS: No, there's not bird but[Setting: Coffee Shop]

JOEL: Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why don't you do me a favor. Why don't you go in the back and find out, okay? (waitress leaves)

JERRY: You didn't do anything. It's not you, it's me. It's.. this is very difficult. JOEL: Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know you're a very busy guy.

JOEL: (cont.) Unbelievable.. JERRY: No, it's not that. JERRY: How can you talk to someone like that? JOEL: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll? JERRY: Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell you.

JOEL: (crying) You're one of the few people I can talk to. JERRY: Oh, come on. That's not true. JOEL: I always tell everybody about you; tell everybody to go see your show. I mean, I'm your biggest fan!

JOEL: Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into.

JERRY: I know, I know.

JERRY AND JOEL: Howard metro.

JOEL: I mean, you're my best friend.

JOEL: He asked me if I still saw you. I said, "Sure, I see him all the time. We're great friends." Anyway, Howard says hello.

JERRY: Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.

JERRY: ..listen, Joel.. I don't think we should see each other anymore.

JOEL: I cannot believe that this is happening. I can't believe it.

JOEL: what?

JERRY: Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. Id didn't mean it.

JERRY: This friendship.. it's not working.

JOEL: Didn't mean what?

JOEL: Not working? What are you talking about?

JERRY: What I said. I've been under a lot of stress.

JERRY: We're just not suited to be friends.

JOEL: Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.

JOEL: How can you say that? JERRY: Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that - we don't have anything in common.

JERRY: Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? I'm sorry. I din't mean it. I took it out on you. We're still friends. We're still friends. Still friends.

JOEL: (starting to cry) Wait. Wat did I do? Tell me.. I want to know.

Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats

behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on.

do I eat?

JOEL: Tonight?

JERRY: Hm? You ate.

JERRY: No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.

GEORGE: We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship.

JOEL: Do you really want me to go? JERRY: (faking) Yes.

JERRY: Someone says, "Get out of my life!" and that doesn't affect your appetite?

JOEL: Okay. yeah, okay. Great! That would be, that'd be great.. so, next Wednesday.

GEORGE: Have you ever had their egg salad?

JERRY: Next Wednesday.

JERRY: It is unbelievable.

JOEL: Where is that waitress?! Hey! ..

GEORGE: It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didn't even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off

(scene ends) [Setting: Bank]

with a sandwich. (Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip; George is carrying a jug full of pennies.) GEORGE: ..she calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk." JERRY: Uh, the four worst words in the English language. GEORGE: That, or "Who's bra is this?" JERRY: That is worse. GEORGE: So we order lunch, and we're talking. Finally, she blurts out how it's "not working".

JERRY: (looking at George's penny jug) How much could you possibly have in there? GEORGE: It's my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know guy who took his vacation on change. JERRY: Yeah? Where'd he go? To and arcade? GEORGE: (sarcastic) That's funny. You're a funny guy. JERRY: C'mon, move up. (George moves up in the bank line)

JERRY: Really. CUSTOMER: Oh great, Ewing's hurt. GEORGE: So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm thinking: great, the relationship's over. But the egg salad's on the way. So now I have a decision - do I walk or

GEORGE: Ewing's hurt? How long is he going to be out?

CUSTOMER: A couple of days at the most but..

GEORGE: Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills?

GEORGE: Geez.

TELLER: I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.

JERRY: Oh, God.

JERRY: Do you want to go with him? You go. I don't mind.

GEORGE: I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing. JERRY: Listen, George, little problem with the game.

GEORGE: I'm not going with him. I don't even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before.

GEORGE: What about it?

TELLER: Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself.

JERRY: The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh..

GEORGE: You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!

GEORGE: What?

(Scene ends.)

JERRY: I geve your ticket to Horneck.

[Setting: Nightclub]

GEORGE: You what?!

JERRY: I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate

JERRY: Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to Horneck. GEORGE: No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck? JERRY: (talking about the line) C'mon, c'mon, go ahead, move up. GEORGE: Why did you give him my ticket for?

it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please." [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: You didn't see him. It was horrible. (George is stuffing pennies into rolls.) GOERGE: Oh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this.

GEORGE: ..Thirty-two, thirty-three-

JERRY: I had to do it.

JERRY: George.

(George is up to the teller, Jerry goes to another one.)

GEORGE: (raises his hand) Not now.. (counts to himself).

JERRY: Could you stop the counting? GEORGE: Nnnnnnnninngaaa! (Dumping out roll) What?! JERRY: Can I make it up to you? I'll give you fifty bucks for the jug. GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.

the air; and then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and they - you slide it into the oven. GOERGE: You know, you have to know how to do that. You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven. KRAMER: It's all supervised.

JERRY: Well, then I'm not going to the game either. Okay? I'll give him both tickets.

GEORGE: Oh, well. KRAMER: All of it. You want to invest?

GEORGE: (pantomimes sticking an imaginary knife in his heart, and twists it) Oh geeeee.. Go, go! JERRY: I.. no, I don't want to go.

GEORGE: My money's all tied up in change right now. KRAMER: No, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie.

GEORGE: He was really crying? JERRY: I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and I'll just make up some excuse why I can't go to the game either.

JERRY: I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never.. I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie.. but that's me.

GEORGE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we could go? JERRY: George, the man wept.

KRAMER: That's you. JERRY: I'm just saying.. KRAMER: Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys.

(Kramer enters.) JERRY: Okay. KRAMER: Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you. This pizza idea, is really going to happen. GEORGE: This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza?

KRAMER: You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted .. okay. (he exits quickly, then sticks his head back through the door) One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie. (he leaves)

KRAMER: Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in

(Jerry dials up Joel)

JERRY: Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you - Oh, Hi. Joel.. oh, you just came in.. listen, I can't amke it to the game tonight. I, uh, have to tutor my

JERRY: We'll just sit there.

nephew - Yeah, he's got an exam tomarrow.. geometry.. you know, trapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're at the Will-Call window..

(Elaine sees a pad by the phone, and starts reading it.)

And I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk next week. Okay.. yeah, I don't.. fine.. fine.. bye. (he hangs up).

ELAINE: Okay. I'm gonna check my machine first.

ELAINE: (cont.) "Picking someone up at the airport." "Jury Duty." "Waiting for cable guy." JERRY: Okay, just ahnd that over, please.

GEORGE: Trapezoid?

ELAINE: Oh, what is this?

JERRY: I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.

JERRY: It's a list of excuses, it's for that guy, Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and i don't

(Scene ends.) [Setting: Jerry's apartment, night time]

have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing?

ELAINE: Come on, let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here.

ELAINE: I got some for you.

JERRY: Okay.

JERRY: I don't need anymore.

ELAINE: Want to go get something to eat? JERRY: Where do you want to go?

ELAINE: No, no, no, no, no, these are good. Listen, listen: "You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house."

ELAINE: I don't care, I'm not hungry.

JERRY: (sarcastic) Very funny.

JERRY: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.

ELAINE: How about: "You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality, you're not even you, you're Dan."

ELAINE: What are we gonna do there? Talk?

JERRY: I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?

JERRY: We can talk.

ELAINE: (gives Jerry the list) Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile.

ELAINE: I'll go if I don't have to talk.

JOEL: (from the hallway.)Kramer.. JERRY: What can I do? KRAMER: Yeah. ELAINE: Deal with it. Be a man! JERRY: Perfect. JERRY: Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying, tears accompanied by mucus.

(Horneck enters.) JOEL: Hey..

ELAINE: You made a man cry? I've never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry.. I got the cab.

KRAMER: Okay, who wants meatloaf?

JERRY: A couple of touch monkeys.

KRAMER: (to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute. (exits)

JERRY AND ELAINE: No thanks.

(Elaine laughs, Kramer enters.) KRAMER: Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy! JERRY: Game? KRAMER: Knock game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by sweat!

JOEL: So, I though you were tutoring your nephew? JERRY: Oh, we finished early. JOEL: Uhm, I'll bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your - nephew? JERRY: Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck. ELAINE: Hi.

JERRY: Wait. How does Horneck know you? KRAMER: Last week. When I, you know, game you the phone. He's really into my pizza place idea! JERRY: This is too much. ELAINE: Wait, what pizza place idea? JERRY: Oh, no.

JOEL: Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split? JERRY: We're still friends. JOEL: So, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, I'm going to take you. You about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) And why don't you come along? ELAINE: Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good becasue we've got choir practice.

KRAMER: You make your own pie! JERRY: Right. I forgot about choir. ELAINE: Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.

ELAINE: We're doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems.

JERRY: Right. You know, the wall being down and everything. JOEL: (to Jerry) What about Thursday night? I mean they're playing the Sonics. (Jerry shakes his head.) ELAINE: Huh... Thursday is not good because we've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.

that you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend there's a little desk around you. The only problem with this is there's no way you can say, "Hey, it's been great having you on the show. Were out of time." END OF SHOW. Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com

JOEL: You know, I should really try something like that. JERRY: You really should. JOEL: Well, let's just take a look here. (looks at his schedule) Forty-one home games. Saturday night we've got the mavericks. If you don't like the Mavericks, next Tuesday - Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Let's see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You can't miss Air Jordan.. (Scene ends.)

The Stock Tip Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: June 21, 1990 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards,

[Setting: Nightclub] JERRY: You know, I really.. I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in you life that they're just always your friends and you have to accept it. You see them, you don't really want to see them. You don't call them. They call you. You don't call back. They call again. The only way to get through talking with people

Jason Alexander, and Lynn Clark (as Vanessa). [Setting: Nightclub] JERRY: Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat money has no

value. And you don't care about money when you're hungry, you sit down at a restaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. "More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then after the meal, you know,

ELAINE: I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late. JERRY: No problem. ELAINE: I dropped a grape. GEORGE: Pardon?

you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes - then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry

ELAINE: I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn't find it. I was... I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went. JERRY: Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape. You'll find it.

now. Why are we buying all this food?!" [Setting: Coffee Shop] JERRY: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor. GEORGE: I never heard him say anything really funny. JERRY: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor. GEORGE: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all

ELAINE: No, I'm just getting over an allergy attack. This guy I'm going out with JERRY: Robert. ELAINE: Robert. Yes.. thank you. He has two cats and I'm allergic to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I can't even go into his apartment, you know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor's studio so we can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know. He won't even go away fro the weekend because of these cats.

the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.

GEORGE: Guys with cats.. I don't know.

JERRY: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?

JERRY: I've been thinking about asking this girl I'm, uh, seeing ELAINE: Vanessa.

GEORGE: I don't know but he ain't funny. (Elaine joins watches.)

them,

they

check

their

JERRY: Vanessa, thank you.. I've been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days.

GEORGE: Oh no. No, no,no,no,no. I'd have to advise against that. What do you know this woman, a month? Let's see, you're going to be with her seventy-two hours. That's a dating decathlon. ELAINE: (balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know, that really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She'll love it.

GOERGE: He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now he's got some new thing - you know, there's supposed to be a big merger. He wasn't even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too. JERRY: How high's it suppose to go? GEORGE: I don't know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it? JERRY: Boy.. I don't know.

GEORGE: (To Elaine) That's exquisite. Listen, uh, if it's not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there? (Elaine gets the paper, he starts flipping through it.) JERRY: You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. (Elaine laughs) There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas

ELAINE: I'd do it but I don't have any money. JERRY: What kind of company is it? GEORGE: It's Sendrax. They've got some new kind of technique for televising opera. ELAINE: Televising opera? GEORGE: Some sort of electronic thingy.

panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel.

JERRY: Well, how much are you going to invest?

GEORGE: (To himself) Up again?! This is incredible. I'm.. I'm getting it.

GEORGE: (Unsure) Five thousand.. ten. Ten thousand.. Five thousand.

ELAINE: You're getting what?

JERRY: Boy..

GEORGE: A stock.

GEORGE: C'mon. Wilkinson's got millions invested in this stock. It's gone up three points since I've been watching it.

JERRY: What stock? GEORGE: Did you ever meet my friend, Simons? JERRY: Maybe.

JERRY: What if I lose it? GEORGE: C'mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We'll do it together. Come on, come on. We're in it together.

[Setting: A Korean Market] JERRY: (gives in) All right -- twenty-five hundred.

JERRY: I have to say. Those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me.

GEORGE: That's it. VANESSA: Why didn't you do something? [Waitress arrives] WAITRESS: Yeah, can I take your order? GEORGE: (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser. JERRY: My bet? All right.. I'll open with a tuna sandwich.

JERRY: What do you want me to do? I have the guy the half-turn. Then I have him the full-turn with the eye roll! I mean, beyond that, I'm risking a punch in the mouth.. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs? STOCK BOY: No puffs. Just flakes.

ELAINE: Tuna? JERRY: Oh, the dolphin thing? ELAINE: They're dying in the nets. JERRY: Ooohhh.. You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna. ELAINE: Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine? JERRY: Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I'm always waving everybody in. "Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead." ..Alright.. alright. I'll have

JERRY: Have you thought any more about that trip? VANESSA: Yeah, I've been thinking about it. JERRY: You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont. VANESSA: I don't know. I just worry about trips like this.. It's a lot of pressure. JERRY: It's great! It speeds up the intimacy level. It's like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish

a chicken salad. (snaps) three days. ELAINE: And I'm going to have an English muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee. WAITRESS: Okay. (To George) What about you? GEORGE: I'll have the tuna. (Scene ends.)

VANESSA: Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two..? JERRY: Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased call frequency, walking around naked.. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two. VANESSA: (Starting to like the idea) Really? Could we go fishing up there?

JERRY: Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin? VANESSA: They have marlin in Vermont? JERRY: Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry picks up a paper) VANESSA: Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier. There are no changes after the market closes. The stock is still down.

KRAMER: It's all manipulated with junk bonds. You can't win. JERRY: (Holding the phone, calling George) There's one thing I don't understand. Why does it please you? (Into phone) George Costanza, please. KRAMER: Hey, I don't care. I'm just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now! JERRY: (Into phone) George, what's going on?! KRAMER: Sell it, just say I'm selling!

JERRY: I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different.. sources. (Scene ends)

JERRY: (Into phone) Well, where is the guy?! Nothing? Almost half my money's gone.. Well, call me right back. (Hangs up) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He

[Setting: Jerry's apartment. Jerry's looking at a road map; Kramer is looking at the paper]

hasn't been home or in his office in the past three days!

JERRY: Is that my paper?

KRAMER: You know, I can't believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you could've invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.

KRAMER: Bad news, my friend. JERRY: What? What news? KRAMER: Sendrax. JERRY: Oh, c'mon! It's down again?!

JERRY: Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one? KRAMER: Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting coming up.

KRAMER: Two and a half points. JERRY: Okay. JERRY: Oh, I can't believe it. Let me see that. (Looks at the paper) That's four and a half points in three days! That's almost half my money!

KRAMER: You just (makes noise) tear it off, and you got a new one right here. Then you're gone.

KRAMER: Hey, I told ya.

JERRY: You're gone alright.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.

KRAMER: (Looking at map) Hey, where.. where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map.. what..

JERRY: Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa for a few days. KRAMER: Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.

JERRY: Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him? GEORGE: Of course he's been in touch with him. He's left two messages. He just hasn't heard back yet, that's all. JERRY: Well, this is it. I'm selling.

JERRY: What friends? GEORGE: Just give it a little more time. KRAMER: Well, it's just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings)

JERRY: I never should've gotten involved in this. I'm a nervous wreck. I"m not cut out for investing.

KRAMER: Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give him a look) 'Cause they're really good people, Jerry. I'm telling you. You know, they're anarchists.

GEORGE: Alright, alright. That's it. I'm gonna go down there.

They're.. they're.. they're.. huge.

GEORGE: To the hospital.

(Jerry answers phone)

JERRY: The hospital?

JERRY: George.. what?! You're kidding.. Well, what's wrong?.. So, what are we gonna do?.. Great! Alright, I'll speak to you later. (Hangs up) Wilkinson, the guy

GEORGE: I'm going to find out what's going on. Alright?

who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the hospital. (Kramer has a pleased reaction on his face) (Scene ends) [Setting: Dry-Cleaning store; Jerry and George are in line] JERRY: So you don't know what's wrong with him?

JERRY: Where?

JERRY: Are you nuts? You don't even know they guy. GEORGE: So what? I'll start talking to him, you know, casual, and I'll work my way around to it. JERRY: What if he's in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (knocking on glass) "How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson? (makes hissing sound) By the way, what's happening with Sendrax?" GEORGE: Maybe he's resting.

GEORGE: All Simons was able to find out is that he's in the hospital.

JERRY: Who goes to the hospital to rest? GEORGE: What are you, a doctor?

JERRY: Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there? GEORGE: Today. I'm going today. Just don't do anything until you hear from me.

city conning dry cleaners out of money?! In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.

JERRY: Alright. (Jerry moves up in line, a woman takes his place. George didn't notice)

DRY CLEANER: Maybe you asked for it to be washed? JERRY: No.. dry-cleaned.

GEORGE: (To woman, thinking she's Jerry) Boy, I have to get to a bathroom. (Woman gives him a look)

DRY CLEANER: Let me explain to you something. Okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing..

DRY CLEANER: May I help you? JERRY: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.

JERRY: (Interrupting) You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it! DRY CLEANER: I shrunk it.

DRY CLEANER: When did you bring it in? (Scene ends.) JERRY: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?! DRY CLEANER: You got a receipt? JERRY: I can't find the receipt. DRY CLEANER: You should get the receipt. JERRY: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?! DRY CLEANER: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt? JERRY: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the

[Setting: Night club] JERRY: I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, "Well, it's ruined." And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, "It's not our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation." You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Right? They're cleaning our clothes - but they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on

your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (brushes

gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go.

shirt) - that's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're doing back there. They don't have eighty guys going (with imaginary brush) "Come on, hurry up! There's a

ELAINE: He actually wen to the hospital? JERRY: Yeah. ELAINE: Oh man, he's nuts.

lot of shirts today." [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Yeah, he's nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper) I know, I know. It's down again.

(Elaine sneezes) JERRY: Bless you.

KRAMER: How much are you down altogether?

ELAINE: Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers

JERRY: I don't know.. fifteen hundred dollars.

four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene.

JERRY: You don't have to say "Wow." I know it's "Wow." And there's that smile again. Well, what is that?

KRAMER: Wow.

JERRY: So what are you gonna do? (Intercom buzzes) ELAINE: I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to

JERRY: It's George. (Presses button to let George in.)

rub out a couple of cats?

(Elaine goes into the bathroom; kramer picks up some binoculars and looks ou the window)

JERRY: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat? ELAINE: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks? JERRY: I'm no cat killer. ELAINE: How about we go over there right now and we shave them? JERRY: I'd really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I

KRAMER: Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. JERRY: I really don't need to look. KRAMER: What a body. Yeeaahh.. that's for me. JERRY: Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too - a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up.

KRAMER: I'm gonna go down there and try and talk to her. (leaves) (Enter George; he flops onto the couch)

JERRY: Oh yeah, right. (To himself) Oh God. Get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I've still got another day! I've got

JERRY: What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods) Did he tell you what's gonna happen? (George shakes his head "no".) How long were you there?

nothing left to say. Wait.. wait.. got one. (To Vanessa) That's a nice watch. Do you wind it?

GEORGE: Fifteen seconds.

VANESSA: No, it's got a little battery.

JERRY: You told him you knew Simons?

JERRY: Well, that's good. (To himself) Well, the drive home should be a delight. I'm speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail. I don't care. (To Vanessa)

GEORGE: Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know - I'm in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. I'll tell you one thing.. I don't know what he's got. But for a sick guy, he's very strong. (Elaine exits bathroom) JERRY: Well, that's it. Look, I'm going to Vermont. I don't want to think about this. I'm selling. ELAINE: Didn't work, huh?

That' the manager? Do you wnat me to see if we can get another room? VANESSA: No, it's okay. JERRY: So, I guess you don't find the separate faucets for the hot and cold charming? VANESSA: Not especially. JERRY: Well, what do you wnat to do this afternoon?

GEORGE: (Laughs) Not quite. VANESSA: What can we do? It's raining. ELAINE: Well, what are you gonna do about the stock? GEORGE: I'm keeping it. I'm going down with the ship.

JERRY: We cold play "Sorry!" We cold play "Steal the Old Man's Bundle." (To himself) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (To Vanessa) What

(Scene ends.)

kind of perfume is that you're wearing?

[Setting: Country Inn]

VANESSA: Oh, you've never heard of it.

JERRY: So I know this guy. I'm getting all my sneakers at a discount now.

JERRY: No, what? What kind is it? VANESSA: I can't tell you.

VANESSA: I know. You mentioned it.

JERRY: (To himself) Yeah, that's normal. (Out loud, to a man nearby) Excuse me, Sir. Could I have a look at that business section?

GEORGE: Have something else. C'mon, have a little dessert? JERRY: I'm good, thanks.

VANESSA: That stock? I thought you got out of that? JERRY: I did. I'm just curious. It's been almost a week. I want to check it out. (finds stock) Six points. It's up six points!

GEORGE: Elaine, get something! It's all taken care of. ELAINE: I'm kinda full. GEORGE: So don't finish it.

VANESSA: I told you not to sell. JERRY: You did not tell me not to sell. VANESSA: I said, the market fluctuates. Remember?

JERRY: (acidly) She's full. (George puts up his hands in an "excuse me" gesture.) So, Big daddy. I'm just curious. How much did you clear on your little trasaction there? All told?

JERRY: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars! VANESSA: That's probably why.. (stops herself) JERRY: What? VANESSA: Forget it.

GEORGE: I don't like to discuss figures. JERRY: How much? GEORGE: I don't know, what? Eight thousand. It's a Hyundai. Get out of here.. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up. JERRY: So, Wilkinson's out of the hospital now?

JERRY: No, what? 'That's probably why..' VANESSA: That's probably why we're staying here, because you lost money on the stock. JERRY: (To himself) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty=nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that purfume..

GEORGE: No. You'd be surprised. You don't recover that quickly from a nose job. (Elaine sneezes) JERRY: Is taht still from the cats? ELAINE: No, I just have a cold. JERRY: So, what ever happened with that?

(Scene ends.) ELAINE: I gave him an ultimatum. (Shrugs) [Setting: Coffee shop] GEORGE: He chose the cats?

ELAINE: They're very clean animals. JERRY: I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing out to a cat. ELAINE: Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume. GEORGE: I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time.

working for you. I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there - working for you - a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, "What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me." "Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go." END OF SHOW.

You'd get all the money back - you could have avoided the whole trip to Vermont. Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com ELAINE: Superman can go back in time? JERRY: We went over that. GEORGE: Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one.. Petramco Corp. Out of, hu, Springfield. I think. They're about to introduce some sort of robot butcher.

Season 2 (1991+) The Ex-Girlfriend Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

JERRY: A robot butcher? GOERGE: Shhhhh. If you want to get in there's very little time. (Calling to waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress tears of check, George stops her) No, no, no. That' ought to coever it. (He hands her some money, she turns to leave, George stops her) Just a second.. Just a.. let me.. (looks at the check, then take some money out

Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: January 23, 1991 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Tracy Kolis (as Marlene).

of her hand.) (Urging Jerry and Elaine to eat) Come on, come on, come on.. (Scene ends.)

[Setting: Nightclub]

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice.. Never quite sure, "Is this the best lane for

JERRY: I'm not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money

me? For my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you, "Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there?" "Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.." The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen?

loved me. Alright, at first, I just look at her. I'd go "Oh, really?" or "Boy, that's, that's something." But, eventually you have to come back with "Well, I love you." You know, you can only hold out for so long!" JERRY: You're a human being. GEORGE: And I didn't even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? I can't do that to someone. JERRY: You're too nice a guy.

Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday we'll be going "Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad. I'm gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way." [Setting: Jerry's car]

GEORGE: I am. I'm a nice guy.. (realizing) And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, I'm sitting on the couch, she's on the chair - I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, she's on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted her.

GEORGE: She can't kill me right?! JERRY: You're flesh and blood. JERRY: No, of course not. GEORGE: People break up all the time. JERRY: Everyday. GEORGE: It just didn't work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn't.

GEORGE: I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cousin.. this is my brother.. thisis my father."

JERRY: You tried. It's like I'm in quicksand. GEORGE: I kept looking at her face. I'd go: "C'mon, love her. Love her!"

JERRY: I told you when I met her..

JERRY: Did you tell her you loved her?

GEORGE: My back is killing me.

GEORGE: Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! She'd tell me she

JERRY: You gotta go to my chiropractor, he's the best.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, everybody's guy is the best.

ELAINE: I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you? GEORGE: Is it that obvious?

JERRY: I'm gonna make an appointment for you. We'll go together. GEORGE: Please. They don't do anything.. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? CAn't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things.

(Elaine sits in the middle) ELAINE: Hello, Jerry. JERRY: Hello. ELAINE: Did you get a haircut?

JERRY: You should just do it like a BandAid. One motion! Right off!

JERRY: No, shower. So, where are we eating?

(Car door opens, it's Elaine) ELAINE: Hi. JERRY: Hi. (George pulls his seat forward to allow Elaine into the back seats) ELAINE: Hey, what are you doing? GEORGE: I'm letting you in. ELAINE: Oh no. No. I don't want to sit in the back. I'll be left out of the conversation. GEORGE: No, you won't. ELAINE: Yes, I will, George. I'll have to sick my chin on top of the seat. GEORGE: Okay.. (George gets out, and gestures for Elaine to sit in the seat)

ELAINE: Tell me if you think this is strange: There's this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. He's a teacher, or something. Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little.. Nothing much. Little pleasantries. He was a nice guy, he's got a family.. then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. And then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition. So, fine. I figure, that's where this relationship is finally gonna settle: polite nodding. Then one day, he doesn't nod. Like I don't exist?! He went from nods to nothing.

ELAINE: Why can't you sit in the middle?

GEORGE: (imitating Tony Bennett) "You know, I'd go from nods to nothing.."

GEORGE: Please, it doesn't look good. Boy, boy, girl.

ELAINE: And now, there's this intense animosity whenever we passs. I mean, it's

like we really hate each other. It's based on nothing. JERRY: A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened to The Blob.

KRAMER: Taste this. JERRY: No, I just had a sandwich. KRAMER: No, taste it. Taste it. JERRY: I don't want cantaloupe now.

GEORGE: I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him.

KRAMER: You've never had cantaloupe like this before.

ELAINE: Really? GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: I only eat cantaloupe at certain times.

ELAINE: You would do that?

KRAMER: Jerry. This is great cantaloupe.

GEORGE: If I was a different person.

JERRY: Alright.. (tastes it)

(Scene ends)

KRAMER: Ah, huh. It's good?

[Setting: Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone]

JERRY: It's very good. KRAMER: Good, huh?

JERRY: Hello.. hello. Is Glenn there? I'm sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?.. Yes, I know I have the wrong number. But I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if.. (Other guy hangs up on Jerry; he redials; enter Kramer) (The buzzer buzzes; Kramer answers it) KRAMER: Come on up.

JERRY: Good. KRAMER: I got it at Joe's. JERRY: Uh-Huh. KRAMER: Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.

JERRY: (Into phone) Oh, it's you again. See? Now if you had answered me, I wouldn't have had to do this. Now that's too long distance calls I made to you why

JERRY: It's too far.

can't you.. (guy hangs up on Jerry again). (To Kramer) Why? Why do they just hang up like that?! Thank you very much.

JERRY: I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?

(Kramer holds up cantaloupe)

KRAMER: It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart..

KRAMER: See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back. JERRY: I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.

KRAMER: I liked Marlene. What's her number? GEORGE: No, I, I don't think so.

(Enter George; he's extremely excited - he's dancing around the room, singing the Zorba theme)

(Kramer stants making noises while eating)

GEORGE: I'm outta there. I did it! It's over.

KRAMER: George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.

JERRY: Could you stop that smacking?

JERRY: You did it? What happened? GEORGE: Oh no, thank you. GEORGE: I told her. In the kitchen - which was risky 'cause it's near all the knives. I started with the word "Listen."

KRAMER: It's the best cantaloupe I ever had.

JERRY: Ah ha.

GEORGE: No, really. No, no, thanks.

GEORGE: I said, "Listen Marlene," and then the next thing I know, I'm in the middle of it. And there's this voice inside of me going: "You're doing it! You're doing

KRAMER: Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.

it!" And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry. The voice said "Keep going, keep going. You're almost out!" It's like I

JERRY: It's very good cantaloupe. (changing subject) So that's it? You're out? GEORGE: Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment. JERRY: So, go get them.

was making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard tower: "Son of a bang! Son of a boom!" I get to the top of the wall the front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!

GEORGE: Oh, no. No, I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous - sexually. Something could happen, I'd be right back where I started. JERRY: So forget about the books. Did you read them? GEORGE: Well, yeah. JERRY: What do you need them for?

JERRY: See, it's never as bad as you imagine.

GEORGE: I don't know. They're books.

JERRY: What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

MARLENE: Good enough. I'm really glad we got that settled.

GEORGE: They're MY books.

[Setting: Chiropractor waiting room]

JERRY: So you want me to get those books? Is that it?

JERRY: (Irritated) I don't know how this happened.

(Scene ends)

GEORGE: Jerry, it's not my fault.

[Setting: Coffee Shop] (Jerry and Marlene are sitting, a pile of books are on the table.)

JERRY: No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read

MARLENE: ..So, it must've been ninetyfive degrees that night, and everyone's just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old

Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, it's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, we've

jeans and T-shirt. And I don't know, I was just in one of those moods - so I said to myself, "Marlene, just do it," and I jumped in. And as I'm getting out, I feel all

had like three lunches and a movie. And she never stops calling. (George nods - he knows exactly what Jerry's talking about) And it's these meaningless,

these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me.

purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything. I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.

(Scene ends)

JERRY: So what'd you do? MARLENE: Well, nothing. It's not skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didn't see what the big attraction was. JERRY: Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess. MARLENE: (Laughs) Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I don't see each other anymore, it doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends. JERRY: No.

GEORGE: That's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine? JERRY: Ohh.. you know, and sometimes she'll go, "Hello, Jerry?" and I'll go "Oh, hi Marlene." And then it's "Jerry.." GEORGE: What about getting off the phone? JERRY: Ohhhh.. you can't. It's impossible. There's no break in the conversation where

you can go, "Alright, then.. " You know, it just goes on and on and on with out a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this. GEORGE: Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off! She is sexy though. Don't you think? JERRY: Yeah. Yes, she is. (Receptionist enters) RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Costanza?

getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest

GEORGE: Yeah. RECEPTIONIST: The doctor'll see you now. GEORGE: (To Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. I'm going to have to wait in that little room by myself, aren't I? (Picks up a crossword puzzle) I better take this. I

room that they have, I think. You don't wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing antying to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this!" "Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do

hate the little room. "Oh, hello, Doctor." (Scene ends)

that to him?" "Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two.."

[Setting: Night club] (Scene ends) JERRY: Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting room." There's no chance of not waiting, 'cause they call it the waiting room, they're going to use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about about them things like "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm

[Setting: Waiting room] (George returns) JERRY: So, how was it? GEORGE: I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. (Imitating doctor) Touch this, feel that. Seventy-five bucks. JERRY: Well, it's a first visit.

GEORGE: What's seventy-five bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Amd I being entertained? I don't understand this. I'm only paying half.

KRAMER: I got it! This time, I got it! JERRY: Alright.

JERRY: You can't do that.

KRAMER: Hips! See, it's all hips.

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: Uh-huh.

JERRY: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.

KRAMER: You gotta come through with the hips first. (Demonstrates)

GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say.

JERRY: That is out there.

(Scene ends)

(Kramer notices Jerry's eating cantaloupe, his eyes light up)

[Setting: Jerry's car] KRAMER: Joe's? MARLENE: Are you feeling weird? JERRY: No, supermarket. JERRY: No, I'm fine. KRAMER: Well, is it good? MARLENE: Nothing really happened. JERRY: It's okay. JERRY: Yeah, I know. MARLENE: We just kissed a little. People kiss.

KRAMER: Let me taste it. (Takes a bite, spits it out) See, that stinks. You can't eat that. You should take it back.

JERRY: Yeah.

JERRY: I'm not taking it back.

MARLENE: Well.. night.

KRAMER: Alright, I'll take it back. I'm going by there.

(Leans over and kisses Jerry) JERRY: I don't care about it. JERRY: Good night. (Scene ends)

KRAMER: Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation.

[Setting: Jerry's apartment] JERRY: Alright. Take it back. (Kramer enters with a golf club) (Phone rings, Jerry is reluctant to answer it) KRAMER: Hey. JERRY: Hey.

JERRY: (On his answering machine) Leave a message, I'll call you back.

MARLENE: (Leaving a message) Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? If I'm not talking into the soap right now, call me back.

KRAMER: You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else. Some jerk that he doesn't even know. JERRY: Well, he can't kill me, right?

KRAMER: Well?

KRAMER: You're a human being.

JERRY: Marlene

JERRY: I mean, she called me. I haven't called her. She started it.

KRAMER: (Smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene. KRAMER: You're flesh and blood. JERRY: Yeah, I took her home one night we kinda started up a little bit in the car. KRAMER: I thought you were trying to get rid of her?

JERRY: I'm a nice guy. (Enter Elaine, she's holding a lamp) ELAINE: Hi. (Hands Jerry the lamp)

JERRY: I was. She's got me, like, hypnotized. KRAMER: Does George know? JERRY: No, he'd go nuts.

JERRY: Oh, my little airplane lamp. ELAINE: You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.

KRAMER: Yeah, no kidding. JERRY: I feel terrible. (Kramer smiles) I mean, I've seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I can't go any further, but.. I've just got this like, psycho-sexual hold over me. I just want her, I can't breathe. It's like a drug.

JERRY: Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time. ELAINE: Unless you're married to a dictator.. JERRY: Yeah.. because they would be very demanding people.

KRAMER: Woah, psycho-sexual. JERRY: I don't know how I'm going to tell him. KRAMER: Man, I don't understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? JERRY: It's partially you, yeah.

ELAINE: Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point, somebody's going to offer me some cantaloupe. KRAMER: Nope. No good. JERRY: Well, you know what they say: Luck in love, Unlucky with fruit.

KRAMER: Well, I'm taking this back. (Leaves) ELAINE: So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning. JERRY: Really? That guy who stopped saying hello?

(Elaine tastes some cantaloupe) JERRY: You are the Queen of Confrontation. You're my new hero. In fact, you've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something right now.

ELAINE: Yep.

ELAINE: This cantaloupe stinks. (Spits it out)

JERRY: You talked to him?

(Scene ends)

ELAINE: Yep. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought "no, no, no, no. Do not be afraid of this man."

[Setting: Coffee Shop] GEORGE: I don't care. JERRY: You're kidding.

JERRY: Right. GEORGE: No, I don't care. ELAINE: So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, "Hi, remember me?" And he furrows his brow as if he's really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, "You little phony. You know exactly who I am."

JERRY: You mean that? GEORGE: Absolutely. JERRY: You don't care? GEORGE: No.

JERRY: "You little phony"? JERRY: How could you not care? ELAINE: I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, "Oh, yeah. You're Jeanette's friend. We did meet once." And I said, "Well, how do you go from that to

GEORGE: I don't know. But I don't. I'm actually almost happy to hear it. JERRY: I thought you'd be upset.

totally ignoring a person when they walk by?" JERRY: Amazing. ELAINE: And he says, he says, "Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, alright?" And I said, "Fine. Fine I didn't want to say hello anymore either, but I wanted you to know that I'm aware of it."

GEORGE: I guess I should be but I'm not. JERRY: Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? GEORGE: No, you're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. She's very sexy. JERRY: That voice. That voice. She's driving me crazy.

GEORGE: I know, I know.

JERRY: ..So, you want to come up for a few minutes?

JERRY: So I can see her tonight, and you don't care?

MARLENE: ..I'm sorry, Jerry. I just don't think this is going to work.

GEORGE: See her tonight. See her tomarrow. Go. Knock yourself out. She's too crazy for me.

JERRY: Really? I thought..

JERRY: Alright. As long as you're okay. Because I can't stop thinking about her.

JERRY: I guess I just didn't expect it from the way you've been acting.

GEORGE: I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life.

MARLENE: You sure you want to talk about this? 'Cause I sure don't.

MARLENE: I know, I'm sorry.

JERRY: Of course I want to talk about it. JERRY: Good. And I'll tell you what.. You don't have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.

MARLENE: Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.

GEORGE: (Angry) You paid that crook?!

JERRY: Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?

JERRY: I had to.

MARLENE: ..I saw your act.

GEORGE: He didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a scam! Who told you to do that?

JERRY: My act? What does that have to do with anything?

JERRY: It was embarrassing to me.

MARLENE: Well, to be honest, it just didn't make it for me. It's just so much fluff.

GEORGE: I was trying to make a point. JERRY: Why don't you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps) What's wrong? GEORGE: (Gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! ..I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen? (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's car]

JERRY: I can't believe this. So what are you saying? You didn't like my act, so that's it? MARLENE: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do. JERRY: You're a cashier! MARLENE: Look, Jerry, it's just not my kind of humor. JERRY: You can't go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible.

MARLENE: I heard the material. JERRY: I have other stuff. You should come see me on the weekend.

Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

(Scene ends) [Setting: Night club]

Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Directed by: Tom Cherones

JERRY: Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony

Broadcasted: January 30, 1991 for the first time.

bogus names for the jobs that we have. "Well, right now, I'm the regional management supervisor." "I'm in development, research, consulting." Men on the other

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Rozsika Halmos (as Manya), Barney

hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men don't really care. Men'll just go, "Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that

(as Helen Seinfeld).

were you work? That sounds interesting. So whatdya got a big cleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why don't you shower up, and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie."

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

Martin (as Morty Seinfeld), Len Lesser (as Uncle Leo), and Liz Sheridan

[Setting: Night club] JERRY: My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didn't want to move to Floriday, but they're in their sixties, and that's the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old people's house with a golf cart, jump out, "Let's go Pop, white belt, white pants, white

shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there, drop it!" I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit there, and the conversation's so boring. It's so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, what if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like? Just crashed right through the

glass.. You know. Come back in, there's broken glass, everybody's all upset. "No, I'm alright. I was just a little bored, there. No, I'm fine. I came back. I wanted to

JERRY: (Talking about the loud T.V.) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street! (Turns it off) MORTY: So, how'd you do?

hear a little about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let's pick it up right there." [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry's parents are in town. His father's watching T.V., his mother is ironing his father's jackets)

JERRY: We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! We'll be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment of my life.

HELEN: (To Morty) You have so many nice jackets. I don't know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? (He doesn't respond) What's

HELEN: This is your greatest moment? A game?

wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you can't wear - this!

MORTY: You know what my greatest moment was, don't you? 1946. I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trench coat.

JERRY: Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.

(Phone rings) MORTY: Are you getting that? HELEN: I thought you were getting it.

HELEN: Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party?

MORTY: Should I pick up?

JERRY: Well, the man's an individualist. He worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what he's doing.

HELEN: You want me to get that?

HELEN: But it's their 50th anniversary.

MORTY: I'll get it! HELEN: I'll get it!

MORTY: You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go.

(They both go for the phone, Helen gets to it first)

JERRY: First of all, I made plans with Elaine.

HELEN: Hello?.. Hello?

HELEN: So bring her.

(She hangs up. Jerry enters - he's wearing baseball clothes and carrying a bat and glove)

JERRY: I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life.

MORTY: I don't know her either. (Gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Floriday for this, and then she criticizes my jacket. HELEN: At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave. MORTY: How come he gets to leave? JERRY: If I wind up sitting nest to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the

KRAMER: Levels. JERRY: Levels? KRAMER: Yeah, I'm getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And I'm going to build these different levels, with steps, and it'll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt. JERRY: You drew up plans for this? KRAMER: No, no. It's all in my head.

middle of his conversation. MORTY: And it's always about Jeffrey, right?

MORTY: I don't know how you're going to be comfortable like that. KRAMER: Oh, I'll be comfortable.

JERRY: Hey, he talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.

JERRY: When do you intend to do this?

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER: Ohh.. should be done by the end of the month.

KRAMER: Morty, are you coming in?

JERRY: You're doing this yourself?

MORTY: Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it.

KRAMER: It's a simple job. Why, you don't think I can?

KRAMER: (To Jerry) Hey, how'd you do? JERRY: We won. We're in the finals on Wednesday.. KRAMER: Yeah! JERRY: (To Kramer and Morty) What is this about?

JERRY: Oh, no. It's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't. KRAMER: Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber. MORTY: Hey, that's some big job.

KRAMER: I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.

JERRY: I don't see it happening.

JERRY: What are you doing?

JERRY: Seriously?

KRAMER: Well, this time, this time you're wrong. C'mon. I'll even bet you.

HELEN: I dont' want you betting. Morty, don't let him bet. KRAMER: A big dinner with dessert. But I've got till the end of the month. JERRY: I'll give you a year.

he has a problem with one of these highpowered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls? JERRY: Mickey Mantle? ELAINE: (Helping him worm out of the conversation with Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? These peas are great!

KRAMER: No, no, no. End of the month. JERRY: It's a bet. (They both "pinkie swear" to lock the deal)

JERRY: (Eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country-fresh flavor. ELAINE: Mmm.. phenomenal peas..

(Scene ends) MORTY: Are you ready for dessert? [Setting: Manya's apartment] (Jerry sits between Uncle Leo and Elaine. Leo grabs his choulder)

JERRY: Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going. MANYA: (Surprised) You're going?

JERRY: Seriously, do you wnat to switch chairs?

ELAINE: I don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting.

ELAINE: No, no. I'm fine. LEO: Jerry, are you listening to this?

JERRY: Yeah, I can't eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can't dance.

JERRY: Yeah, Uncle Leo. MANYA: Can't dance? LEO: So, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation.

HELEN: He's kidding, Manya.

JERRY: Right. For reducing the pond scum?

MANYA: Is that a joke?

LEO: No, for the walking tours.

HELEN: (Canging subject) So, did you hear Claire's getting married?

JERRY: Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life - the edible foliage tour. LEO: That's exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours he's talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever

MANYA: Yeah, yeah.. HELEN: I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers. JERRY: Horses. They're like big riding dogs.

ELAINE: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies.. JERRY: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up. MANYA: ..I had a pony. (The room is dead quiet) JERRY: ..Well, I didn't really mean a pony, per se. MANYA: (Angry) When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony, ..So, what's wrong with that?

(Isaac leaves, everyone looks at Jerry) JERRY: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come hre if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong? (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressting.. HELEN: Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee? MANYA: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him. JERRY: Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony?

(Morty and Helen are leaving, their bags are packed) JERRY: I'll drive you to the airport. HELEN: No, we're taking a cab. JERRY: I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip. HELEN: Don't be rediculous. It was a misunderstanding.

MANYA: You! You said so! JERRY: No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at the time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars..

MORTY: Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony. JERRY: Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her I'm sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible.

MANYA: That's it! I've had enough! (She leaves the room)

HELEN: You know, you should give Manya a call.

ISAAC: Have your coffee, everyone. She's a little upset. It's been an emotional day.

JERRY: Maybe I will.

(Jerry opens his door, Kramer's standing in the hallway)

JERRY: We didn't bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done.

KRAMER: Oh, hi. I just came to say goodbye. (Gestures to the bags) ..Need any help with those?

KRAMER: And it could be done.

MORTY: It's nothing. I got it. So, how are your levels coming along?

JERRY: Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if it's done. Show me the levels! The bet is the levels.

KRAMER: Oh, well.. I decided I'm not gonna do it. JERRY: (Sarcastically) Really? What a shock. HELEN: Goodbye, Jerry. JERRY: Take care.

KRAMER: But I don't want the levels! JERRY: That's the bet! (Phone rings, Jerry answers it) Hello? ..No, oh, hi.. no, they just left.. Oh my God.. hand on a second. Maybe I can still catch them. (Jerry

HELEN: We'll call you. (Leaves)

goes over to the window, and opens it. He yells out of it) Ma!.. Ma!.. Up here! Don't get in the cab! .. Manya died! ..Manya died!!

MORTY: Bye, Jer.

(Scene ends)

JERRY: Bye, Dad. Take it easy.

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

MORTY: Bye, Mr. Kramer.

HELEN: Who did you talk to?

KRAMER: Yeah. So long, Morty. (Morty leaves)

JERRY: Uncle Leo. HELEN: And when's the funeral?

JERRY: So, when do I get my dinner? KRAMER: There's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm not gonna do it. JERRY: Yes. I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet. KRAMER: There's not bet if I' not doing it. JERRY: That's the bet! That you're not doing it! KRAMER: Yeah, well, I could do it. I don't want to do it.

JERRY: I don't know. He said he'd call back. MORTY: You know what this means, don't you? We lost the supersaver. Those tickets are non-refundable. HELEN: She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless.. JERRY: What? HELEN: What? Nothing.

JERRY: You don't think.. What? The pony remark?

JERRY: I mean I met her three times. I don't know her last name.

HELEN: Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman.

HELEN: Jery, no one's forcing you.

JERRY: You don't think that I killed her? MORTY: You know what the flight back'll cost us? JERRY: It was just an innocent comment! I didn't know she had a pony!

JERRY: I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That's what I want to know. I mean, it's the championship. I'm hitting everything. HELEN: I don't have a dress to wear. (To Morty) And you. You don't have anything. MORTY: I got a sport jacket.

MORTY: Maybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.

HELEN: You're not wearing that to a funeral.

JERRY: The whole thing ws taking out of context. It was a joke. (Phone rings) That's probably Uncle Leo.

MORTY: What's wrong with it?

(Helen picks it up)

MORTY: What? I'm gonna buy a new jacket now?

HELEN: Hello? ..Yes, I know.. Well, it's just one of those things.. Sure, sure, we'll see you then. (Hangs up) The funeral's Wednesday. JERRY: Wednesday? Wednesday?

What,

JERRY: I've got the softball game on Wednesday. It's the championship. HELEN: So? You're not obligated. Go play in your game.

HELEN: So don't go.

JERRY: I don't know what to do. MORTY: ..You know what this funeral's gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy!

what

HELEN: Two o' clock, Wednesday. (Jerry shrugs) What?

JERRY: I didn't even know the woman.

HELEN: It looks ridiculous.

(Scene ends) [Setting: Night club] JERRY: We don't understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. No is he going to a

meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, let's make up our mind where we think they're going. (Scene ends) [Setting: Coffee Shop] ELAINE: I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What time's your game?

I'm actually going to die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that. GEORGE: They always make me take stock of my life and how I've pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it. JERRY: I know, and then you say to yourself, "From this moment on, I'm not going to waste any more of it." But then you go, "How? What can I do that's not

JERRY: Two Forty-Five. wasting it?" ELAINE: And what time's the funeral? JERRY: Two o' clock.

ELAINE: Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you hae coffee with people?

ELAINE: How long does a funeral take? JERRY: Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes. ELAINE: So you cna't do both? JERRY: You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldn't expect her to go to my funeral. I would

GEORGE: You know, I can't believe you're even considering not playing. We need you. You're hitting everything. ELAINE: He has to go. He may have killed her. JERRY: Me? What about you? You brought up the pony. ELAINE: Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one.

understand. ELAINE: How can you even consider not going?

GEORGE: (To Jerry) Who's going to play left field? JERRY: Bender.

GEORGE: You know, I've been thinking.. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I

GEORGE: Bender? He can't play left. He stinks. I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care who's at the

just don't see how it could occur. ELAINE: You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how

funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up."

ELAINE: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that? GEORGE: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang

understand, she eve had a pony.. (Jerry throws his hands up) Oh, how she loved that pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. It's lustrous coat, it's flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow. (Jery sinks in his seat)

around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway? ELAINE: George, I met this woman! She is not traveling to any other dimensions. GEORGE: You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? It's not like getting on a bus. One second. It's all mental. JERRY: Fifty years they were married. Now he's moving to Pheonix. ELAINE: Phoenix? What's happening with his appartment? JERRY: I don't know. They've been in there since, like, World War II. The rent's three hundred a month. ELAINE: Three hundred a month? Oh my God. (Scene ends) [Setting: Funeral home] (The eulogy is in progress. Jerry attended afterall) MAN: Although this may seem like a sad even, it should not be a day of mourning.. for Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world - a simpler

(Scene ends) [Setting: Anteroom of funeral parlor] JERRY: (Looking at his watch) Well, the game's starting just about now. HELEN: It was good that the two of you came. It was a nice gesture. (Scene cuts to Morty talking to an intern) INTERN: I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I'm just an intern. I can't write a note to an airline. MORTY: You've got your degree. They don't care. They just want to see something. (Scene cuts back to Jerry) JERRY: (To Isaac) I just wanted to say how sorry I was.. LEO: (Interrupting) Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside - so he'll completely revamp that operation, you understand? He'll do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. It's more money. So, that's your cousin. (Scene cuts back to Morty)

world - with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I

MORTY: You don't understand, I've never paid a full fare.

ISAAC: Oh, the apartment. Jeffrey's taking the apartment.

JERRY: (To Isaac) Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am abou tthe other night.

ELAINE: (to Jerry) Oh, Jeffrey. JERRY: (To Elaine) You know Jeffery?

ELAINE: Oh, me too. ISAAC: Oh no, no, no. She forgot all about that. She was much mor upset about the potato salad. ELAINE: So, I understand you're moving to Phoenix? (Jerry shake his head and walks away) ISAAC: Yeah, my brother lives there. I think Manya would've liked Phoenix. ELAINE: Mmm.. gorgeous, exquisite town. Who, what's happening with your apartment? ISAAC: Of course it's very hot there. I'l lhave to get an air conditioner.

ELAINE: Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department. (Helen approaches Jerry) HELEN: It's raining. JERRY: (Moves to the window) It's raining? It's raining. The game will be postponed. We'll play tomarrow. (Scene cuts back to Morty) MORTY: Believe me, I wouldn't bother you if the army hadn't closed that base in Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something here. INTERN: I can't. I'll get in trouble.

ELAINE: Oh, you can have mine. I'll ship it out ot you.. but what about that big apartment on West End Avenue?

MORTY: Oh, for God's sakes!

ISAAC: Although they say it's a dry heat.

[Setting: Coffee Shop]

ELAINE: Dry, wet.. what's happening with your apartment?

GEORGE: Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of.

ISAAC: I don't even know if I should take my winter clothing.

JERRY: It's never happend to me before.

ELAINE: I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and I'll watch it for you and I'll live there and I'll make sure that nothing happens to it. (Jerry comes back)

(Scene ends)

ELAINE: I remember saying to myself, "Why is Jerry so far off the base?" JERRY: I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life. GEORGE: And they in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?

JERRY: I thought there were two outs. ELAINE: I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something. JERRY: It was the single worst moment of my life.

JERRY: What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use them for, you know, crowd control. "Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey!

GEORGE: What about Sharon Besser? JERRY: Oh, well, of course. 1973. ELAINE: Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it? JERRY: Wonder about what? ELAINE: You know.. the spirit world. JERRY: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?

Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Behind the barricades!" So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn't it? Just have a little pony and

ELAINE: I never saw anyone play like that.

you put him on the, "Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right ther, Baltic. yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there."

JERRY: But I went ot the funeral.

END OF SHOW.

ELAINE: Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her.

GEORGE: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day. JERRY: Don't you think she would've heard I was there?

The Jacket Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

GEORGE: Not necessarily. (Elaine laughs) JERRY: Who figures and immigrant's gonna have a pony?

Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Directed by: Tom Cherones

(Scene ends) [Setting: Night Club]

Broadcasted: February 6, 1991 for the first time.

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Lawrence Tierney (as Alton Benes).

JERRY: Why don't they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, "Just Back." All back. No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back. (Picks up a tie display) Look, Elaine, tie car wash.

[Setting: Night club] JERRY: I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think

CUSTOMER: (Sees the book Elaine is holding) Oh, I just read that. That's terrific. JERRY: (Pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that. CUSTOMER: Alton Benes is your father?

eventually fashion won't even exist. It won't. I think eventually we'll all be wearing the same thing. 'Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future of another planet, they're all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided "This is going to be our outfit. Onepiece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. That's it." We should come up for an outfit for earth. An earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits, no speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, "That was nice. I could wear that." (Scene ends) [Setting: Clothing store] JERRY: I think I've seen enough. SALESMAN: Well, I might have something in the back. ELAINE: The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, they'd put it out in the front.

ELAINE: Yeah. CUSTOMER: I always felt he deserved a wider audience. ELAINE: I'm not so sure he wants one. (Customer leaves) Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight o' clock. JERRY: ..I guess I'm coming.. I mean.. ELAINE: What? What, you don't want to go now? JERRY: No, I'll go. I'm going. ELAINE: No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I haven't seen my father in a while and.. you know. JERRY: I'm worried I won't be able to talk to him. He's such a great writer. Frankly, I perfer the company of nitwits. ELAINE: So, that's why we're not togeter anymore.

JERRY: (Looks at a jacket) What is this? (Holds it up) This is beautiful.. but these jackets never fit me right.

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: Try it on. (Feels it) Wow, this is soft suede.

(Jerry's sitting on his couch wearing his pajamas and his new jacket. He gets up to look at his jacket in the mirror. Kramer enters)

JERRY: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on. (Elaine grabs the tag) How much is it?

JERRY: Hey. KRAMER: Hey. New jacket?

ELAINE: (Shocked) Oh my God. JERRY: What do you think? JERRY: Bad? (Elaine nods) ..Very bad? KRAMER: It's beautiful. ELAINE: You have no idea. JERRY: Is it me? JERRY: I have some idea. KRAMER: That's definitely you. ELAINE: No idea. JERRY: Really? JERRY: I've got a ballpark. ELAINE: There is no park and the team has relocated.

KRAMER: That's more you than you've ever been. (Starts looking the jacket over) What is with the pink lining?

JERRY: (Looks at the tag) ..That is high.

JERRY: I don't know. It's got a pink lining.

ELAINE: Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though.

KRAMER: Oh.. So, what did you pay for this?

JERRY: (Looking at the insides of the jacket) What's with the pink lining and the candy stripes?

JERRY: I paid what it costs.

ELAINE: Well, it's just a lining. You can always have it changed.

JERRY: What's the difference?

KRAMER: How much?

KRAMER: What, you're not gonna tell me? JERRY: Should I get it? I hate these moments. I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know. "What about the money?" "What's money?"

JERRY: I'd rather not say it out loud. It's embarrassing. KRAMER: Over three hundred?

SALESMAN: It looks wonderful on you. JERRY: Yes, but let's just stop it right there. (Scene ends)

KRAMER: It's over four hundred?

open palm. Tells a saucy talke, loves to make a stir everyone appreciates a.."

JERRY: Really, I'm not answering anymore. JERRY: What is that song? KRAMER: Is it over four hundred? JERRY: Would you? KRAMER: (Finds the tag) Woah, Nelson! JERRY: I know, I know. KRAMER: (Talking about his old jacket) What are you gonna do with the leather one? JERRY: I don't know. KRAMER: Well, are you gonna wear it?

GEORGE: Oh, it's from Les Miserables. I went to see it last wee. I can't get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. I sing it infront of clients. It's taking over my life. JERRY: You know, Schumann went mad from that. GEORGE: Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?

JERRY: Maybe. JERRY: No, you idiot. KRAMER: (Looking over the leather jacket) You're not going to wear this.

GEORGE: What are you, Bud Abbott? What, are you calling my an idiot?

JERRY: Do you want it? KRAMER: Well, yeah. Okay. I'll take it.. I like the jacket.

JERRY: You don't know Rober Schumann? The composer? GEORGE: Oh, Schumann. Of course.

JERRY: (Takes one last look at the leather jacket) ..Okay, take it. KRAMER: Good karma for you. (Kramer puts on his new jacket, and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby.

JERRY: (Trying to scare George) He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.

(Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (George enters singing "Master Of the House" - a Les Miserables show tune) GEORGE: "Master of the house.. doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an

GEORGE: Really? ..Well, what if it doesn't stop? (Jerry gestures "That's the breaks." George gasps) Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! Alright, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject.. Let's just go, alright? I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton Benes.

JERRY: I know exactly what's goin to happen tonight. I'm gonna try and act like I'm not impressed, he's gonna see right through it. GEORGE: Yeah, he'll be looking at us like he's backstage at a puppet show.

you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me?! You are sick! Is that what you

JERRY: Let me just get my jacket. (Moves to the bedroom)

paid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A

GEORGE: "Master of the house, keeper of the inn.." (Jerry proudly models his new jacket infront of George. George looks in admiration at the jacket) This is huge!

thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! Alright, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket,

When did this happen?

unless you tell me different. (Jerry still coy, stays silent) Oh, ho! Alright! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a

JERRY: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet an social challenge.

thousand.. (Enter Kramer) KRAMER: Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?

GEORGE: (Nods) Can I say one thing to you? And I say this wiht an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.

JERRY: Well, what kind of solid?

JERRY: Absolutely.

KRAMER: I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while it's double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds.

GEORGE: ..It's fabulous. JERRY: Birds? JERRY: I know. GEORGE: And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not going to ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable.. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry's acting coy throughout the whole thing) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell my

KRAMER: Yeah. A friend of mine, he's a magician. He's going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves. JERRY: So take a cab. KRAMER: They won't take a cage full of birds.

JERRY: I can't. I'm on my way out. There's no way I can do it.

JERRY: Yeah, I think it is. (They walk tward him) Where's Elaine?

KRAMER: George, do me a solid? Two minutes.

GEORGE: I'm nervous. JERRY: Excuse me.. Mister Benes?

GEORGE: Well, I'm going with him. I'd like to, I've never done a solid before.

ALTON: Yeah?

KRAMER: Alright.. yeah.. alright, have a good one.

JERRY: I'm Jerry. Elaine's friend.. and this is George.

(Kramer leaves)

GEORGE: (Holds out his hand for a handshake) It's a great thrill to meet you, Sir.

JERRY: (Scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes.. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years.

(Alton starts hacking, George withdraws his hand)

(Scene ends)

ALTON: Sit down. Want a drink?

[Setting: Hotel lobby]

JERRY: Sure.

(Jerry and George enter. George's singing "Master of the House")

ALTON: (Summons waiter) What do you have?

GEORGE: "Master of the House. Quick to catch your eye, never wants a passerby to pass him by."

JERRY: (To waiter) I'll have a cranberry juice with two limes.

JERRY: (Points to his head) Schumann. (George gets visibly scared) Where are they?

GEORGE: And, I'll have a club soda with no ice.

GEORGE: Maybe he didn't show up.

BENES: (Gives both Jerry and George a look) I'll have another Scotch with plenty of ice.

JERRY: What, you don't want to do this?

GEORGE: You like ice?

GEORGE: I don't think there's ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.

ALTON: Huh?

GEORGE: (Sees an elderly man sitting on a leather chair) Wait a second, is that him?

ALTON: Like it?

GEORGE: I said, do you like ice?

GEORGE: Don't you think you get more without it?

ALTON: (Pauses) Where's Elaine?

JERRY: I'm just a regular person.

JERRY: Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. She's usually pretty punctual. (Alton remains quiet) ..Don't you find that, George?

GEORGE: No, no. He's just being modest.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. She's punctual.. and she's been late sometimes.

ALTON: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. (Long pause) There's nothing funny about that. (Jerry and George turn to the door again)

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time, and sometimes she's late. GEORGE: I guess today she's late. JERRY: It appears that way.

JERRY: Would you excuse me a minute? I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. (Jerry leaves. George is left alone with Alton)

GEORGE: Yep. JERRY: Yep.

GEORGE: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant.

(Both Jerry and George look at the door, anticipating Elaine's arrival)

ALTON: Drivel.

ALTON: Looks like rain.

GEORGE: Maybe some parts.

GEORGE: (Perks up) I know, I know, that's what they said.

ALTON: What parts?

ALTON: Who said? GEORGE: The weather guy, Dr. Waldo. ALTON: I don't need anybody to tell me it's gonna rain. GEORGE: No, of course not. I didn't..

GEORGE: The drivel parts.. Oh my gosh, I just realized - I have to make a phone call. I can believe.. would you.. (Gets up, and leaves) (Scene cuts to the hotel bathroom) GEORGE: Thank you for leaving me alone with him!

ALTON: All I have to do is stick my head out the window. (Waiter shows up with the drinks) Which one's suppose to be the funny guy?

JERRY: That was brutal. I can't go back out there.

GEORGE: (Pointing at Jerry) Oh, he's the comedian.

JERRY: Elaine'll kill me.

GEORGE: Well, let's just leave.

GEORGE: Where is she?

ALTON: Who'd you call?

JERRY: She's gotta be here soon.

GEORGE: (Caught off guard) My uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was.

GEORGE: How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's it! I'm leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me.

ALTON: What kind of operation? GEORGE: Bone marrow.

JERRY: The waiter was trembling. (Manager approaches) GEORGE: If she doesn't show up, we can't possibly have dinner with him alone.

MANAGER: Mister Benes?

JERRY: How are we gonna get out of it?

ALTON: Yes?

GEORGE: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.

MANAGER: A message for you. (Hands him a message)

JERRY: Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe.

ALTON: From Elaine. She got tied up. She'll be here in thirty minutes. (Jerry and George freeze)

GEORGE: I don't know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. He'll understand that.

(Scene ends) [Setting: Hotel lobby]

(Scene ends) [Setting: Night club] JERRY: All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, "To hell with the world, I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want. I'll wear whatever I want, and I'll create whoever I want."

ALTON: Yeah, they should've taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in 'fifty-three. JERRY: (Adding) Well, Guatamala. GEORGE: Sure, Guatamala. ALTON: (Gets up) Alright, you boys get yourselves together. We'll head up to the restaurant. I'll leave a note for Elaine. I'm going to the bathroom. (Leaves)

(Scene ends) GEORGE: Come on, let's go! [Setting: Hotel lobby] JERRY: What about Elaine? (Jerry and George come back from the bathroom)

GEORGE: To hell with Elaine!

JERRY: She'll be furious.

these doves. I almost got hit by a bus. (Sits down, takes a deep breath) ..So

GEORGE: We're dying here! how's everything going over here? (Elaine enters) JERRY: That's her! She's here! ELAINE: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Where is Dad? GEORGE: (Mocking Alton's voice) He's in the bathroom.

JERRY: (After hearing Elaine's story, his is..) Great. GEORGE: Couldn't be better. ELAINE: Good. 'Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable. JERRY: Oh, no, no.

JERRY: Where have you been?! GEORGE: Get outta here.. ELAINE: Kramer, that .. Kramer! I'm just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds..

ELAINE: Man, Kramer! I could kill him. JERRY: I can't believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer.

JERRY: Oh, you didn't.. ELAINE: He said he'd give me a lift. ELAINE: Well, he said he'd drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! he doesn't come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me

JERRY: Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the siren's song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?

to get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car!

GEORGE: Where do you come up with this stuff?

So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car.. so, finally, he finally

ELAINE: Oh, Hi, Dad.

comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet. So, we're wandering around trying

ELAINE: No one.

ALTON: (Returns) Well, look who's here.

ALTON: (Kisses Elaine) Hello, dear. Who's the lipstick for?

ALTON: ..How's your mother? ELAINE: Fine.

to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now we're running down the street after

ALTON: How working?

about

you?

Are

you

ALTON: Well, you look like a damn fool! ELAINE: Yeah, I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times. ALTON: Pendant, those bastards.. Alright, boys. We'll go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street. You're not afraid of a little spice, are you? (They all head for the door. Jerry and George trail behind a little)

JERRY: (Like a child) Well, it's a new suede jacket. It might get ruined. ALTON: Well, you're not going to walk down the street with my and my daughter dressed like that! That's for damn sure! (Jerry looks at George) GEORGE: It's only a few blocks.

GEORGE: "Master of the house, doling out the charm. Ready with a handshake and an open.."

(Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

ALTON: Pipe down, chorus boy. (Jerry's heading out, the intercom buzzes) (Alton glares, George gets embarrassed) JERRY: (Into intercom) Elaine? ELAINE: Ohh.. it's snowing. It's beautiful. ELAINE: Yeah. JERRY: (To George) Snow.. snow, that can't be good for suede, can it?

JERRY: Come on up.

GEORGE: I wouldn't think so.

(Enter Kramer)

JERRY: What should I do? (To Alton) We're taking a cab, aren't we?

KRAMER: Hey. JERRY: Hey.

ALTON: Cab? It's only five blocks. KRAMER: I've gotta feed the birds. GEORGE: (To Jerry) Why don't you just turn it inside out? JERRY: Inside out! Great. (Jery turns his jacket inside out, showing of the pink striped insides. Alton stops him before Jerry can leave the hotel) ALTON: Wait a minute. What the hell do you call this?

JERRY: So?.. KRAMER: You got any of those mini Ritzes? (Jerry reaches up, and pulls out some mini Ritzes) JERRY: I can't believe I do. KRAMER: Yeah! ..Well, are you going out?

JERRY: Oh, I turned my jacket inside out. JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Hey, where's your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. It's ruined, and unwearable) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom,

KRAMER: Well, if you're just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it.

he's shocked at the sight of the jacket) Ohhh. What did you do to it?

ELAINE: Dad thinks George is gay.

JERRY: Yeah, go ahead, take it.

JERRY: Oh, because of all that singing? JERRY: I was out in the snow last night. KRAMER: Don't youk now what that does to suede? JERRY: I have an idea. (Elaine enters) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema III.

ELAINE: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay. (Kramer returns from the bathroom wearing the ruined suede jacket) KRAMER: Hey, see, I like it like this.

ELAINE: Okay.. (To Kramer) Hello. (To Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time. JERRY: Is he still in town?

ELAINE: (Pointing at the jacket Kramer's wearing) Isnt' that..? (Jerry nods) Oh, is this fromt he snow last night? (Jerry nods again) Ugh.. you know what you

ELAINE: No, he's driving back to Maryland tonight.

should've done? You should've turned it inside out.

KRAMER: (Talking about the ruined jacket) So, uh.. what are you gonna do with that one now?

JERRY: I'll try and remember that.

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: (Talking about the leather jacket from the start of the show) Boy, it's too bad you gave me this one too.

KRAMER: Well?..

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad.

ELAINE: (To Jerry) I didn't want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.

KRAMER: I'm gonna have to do something about this lining.

JERRY: Really?

(Kramer exits, Scene ends)

KRAMER: You gonna throw this out?

[Setting: Alton Benes' car]

JERRY: Well, I can't wear it.

(Alton is driving home, then all the sudden, he starts to sing)

ELAINE: (To Jerry) Yeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.

ALTON: "Master of the house doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm.." (Scene ends)

face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them?

[Setting: Night club] JERRY: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows ouside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather.. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here.." "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"

"We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."

Monk's Diner, day. George and Jerry enter. George is excited:

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George: So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I

Jerry's opening monologue: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their

interpret it like they're Psychotic something and I don't know if I'm

supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood there like remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? - that's what

I looked like.

Jerry: Wow. beautiful.

Enthusiastic

'Hi!',

that's

Jerry: So you didn't ask? George: No, I froze. Jerry: (Points to counter) Counter.

George: Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', I'm outta there. Jerry: Alright, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic 'Hi!' Go ahead.

George: Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call her". I says "I can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks.

George: So, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out "What are you doing Saturday night?" Jerry: And? George: She bought.

So Lloyd calls me a wuss. Jerry: Great day in the morning. Jerry: He said wuss? George: Then I got off the phone right away. George: Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.

Jerry: Sure, it's like robbing a bank: you don't loiter around in front of

Jerry: So you called. (They sit at counter) George: Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it

the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out. George: It's amazing: we, we both have dates on the same night. I can't remember the last time that happened.

makes you sound casual. Jerry: Yeah, like a farm boy. George: Right. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives me an

George's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George and his date Carol:

enthusiastic 'Hi!'

George: I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of

George: Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.

underwear. Donna: (Looks disappointed) So, um, OK. Carol: You do not. George: OK. George: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I

Donna: Goodnight. George: Yeah, take it easy.

only have to do wash once a year.

(Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes his

(They both laugh)

forehead in disgust)

Jerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry and his

Back to Jerry and Donna: Donna: Thanks again for the movie.

girlfriend Donna: Jerry: You're welcome. Jerry: (In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try

Donna: I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted.

a Scottish accent. Jerry: Oh, that's OK. Donna: That's Irish. Donna: Unless you want to go to your place. Jerry: Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie?

Jerry: OK, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking

(Donna laughs) for. Back to George and Carol: Back to George, driving, looking frustrated: Donna: So, er, thanks for dinner. It was great.

George: Take it easy, huh, take it easy.

George: Yeah. We should do this again. Donna: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?

Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Donna sit on the sofa:

Donna: I don't know, I like the guys. Jerry: I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was

Jerry: Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and

brought up. Donna: Values are very important.

wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.

Jerry: Oh, so important. So what are you doing Thursday night - you wanna

Donna: Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true.

have dinner?

Jerry: (Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue did ring true. Even if

Donna: Thursday's great. (Moves closer) Jerry: (Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I

somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesn't that bother you?

don't feel comfortable in them. Donna: Are those Cotton Dockers? Jerry: Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.

Donna: (Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea. That's what's clever about it, that they're not talking about the pants. Jerry: But they're talking about nothing.

Donna: Really? I like that commercial. (Jerry pauses)

Donna: That's the point.

Jerry: You like that commercial?

Jerry: I know the point.

Donna: Yeah, it's clever.

Donna: No one is telling you to like it.

Jerry: Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing

Jerry: I mean, all those quick shots of the pants, just pants, pants,

around, supposedly being very casual and witty?

pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?

Donna: Yeah, that's the one.

(Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch)

Jerry: What could you possibly like about that?

Jerry monologue:

Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other

(George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag)

through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future,

Elaine: Hi.

you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll be like

(George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag, places

'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the

them on counter) Jerry: You're still thinking about this?

rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking 'What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my

George: (While preparing bicarb) She invites me up at twelve o clock at night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it

life?' keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People Jerry's apartment, day. Jerry and Elaine:

this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think

Jerry: I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with

of me.

someone who commercial?

this

Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.

Elaine: I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean

George: She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex.

enough.

Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee.

Jerry: No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?

George: Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o clock at

Elaine: Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his

night.

actually

likes

tub: germs were building a town in there they were constructing offices.

Elaine: Well some people drink coffee that late.

George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missile watch. Everything was going along so great: she was laughing, I was funny. I kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great." Elaine: It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I

Kramer: Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. Alright, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well, sorry buddy,

think you should call her.

you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages

George: I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call.

for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you gonna use it?

Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.

Jerry: I don't think so. Kramer: It's funny.

George: Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel, a

Elaine: It is funny. Kramer: That's as good as anything you do. George: Alright, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on. Jerry: Why do we have to leave?

kaiser, a tsar.

George: Because I can't call a woman with other people in the room. Come

Elaine: All she'll think is that you like her.

on, let's go.

George: Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like

Elaine: Oh, see, this is the problem. Jerry: You're kicking me out of my house?

me! George: Yes. Elaine: I don't know what your parents did to you.

Elaine: Don't forget.

(Kramer enters, points at Jerry)

George: Oh Jerry, do you have any apples?

Jerry: Don't do the apples. That's enough already with the apples.

there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is blinking right

(Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials phone)

now: 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot's on!'

Phone: Hi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you. (Beep)

Jerry: After one date you try and improvise on her machine?

George: Uhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that

George: Now I'm in the worst position of all.

didn't come up for coffee. You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh boy, uhm, so, you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do.

Elaine: Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed to, and it would have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.

Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy.

George: He did that?

(Hangs up. Jerry enters)

Elaine: Yeah.

Jerry: I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet you downstairs. What's the

George: Somebody did that?

matter, did you call?

Jerry: She'll overreacting.

call

you

back.

You're

(Elaine enters) George: Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm dead,

Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Donna: Jerry: Not once.

I'm a dead man. Dead man. Donna: Never? Jerry: What did you say? George: I don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and

Jerry: I have never seen one episode of 'I Love Lucy' in my life ever. Donna: That's amazing.

Jerry: Thank you. Donna: Is there anything else about you I should know?

No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses anything.

Jerry: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.

He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him.. (Jerry re-

Donna: Really?

enters)

Jerry: I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it. Uhm,

Donna: (To Jerry) So you go around telling your friends I'm not hip

I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom)

because I like that commercial.

(George enters)

Jerry: What? (To George) What did, what did you say?

George: Wait till you hear this (sees Donna). Whoa, ah, I'm sorry, I didn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave)

George: Say? What? Nothing, I.. Donna: You told him how I like the commercial.

Donna: Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom. Jerry: Well, so what if I said that? George: I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I'll come back.

Donna: Well, so, you didn't have to tell your friends.

Donna: You don't have to leave. George: You sure? Donna: Yes.

Jerry: No, I had to tell my friends, my friends didn't have to tell you. George: (To Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble?

George: OK. Donna: I'm Donna. George: Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial!

Donna: I don't like you talking about me with your friends behind my back. George: Boy oh boy.

Donna: He told you about that.

Jerry: I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what?

George: No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about

Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the

that commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial.

commercial.

Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there. (Kramer enters)

Monk's Diner. George and Jerry sat in booth:

K Hey. Jerry: Oh, Kramer, this is Donna. k Oh. Cotton Dockers! George: Hello! Alright, we should be going. Come on .(Grabs Kramer)

George: OK, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesn't call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the machine again: "I know you're there, I don't know what your story is."

k What? Where are we going? George: Come on! Donna: Don't bother, I'm leaving. Jerry: Donna, really, you're making too much of this. K One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers, they're just

Yesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes on, and fly like Mussolini from the balcony- "Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more shot at the

pants! coffee just so I could spit it in your face." Jerry: Please, Donna. Jerry: You said that? Donna: I don't wanna hear it.(Leaves) George: I lost it. George: I can't believe I said that. You know me, I'm a vault.

Jerry: I can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you back.

Jerry: Don't worry about it, it wasn't working anyway.

George: She did. Today.

k What happened there?

Jerry: What?

Jerry: I'll tell you later.

George: She called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons since

George: You are not gonna believe what's going on with this woman.

Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine

broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have the beeper for

George: I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm giving you a ride uptown.

it. Jerry: And who makes the switch? Jerry: So she didn't get the messages. George: You do. George: Exactly, but they're on there waiting. She said she can't wait to see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me as soon as she

Jerry: I do. George: I can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy. Jerry: I can't get involved in this.

gets home. Jerry: But what about the messages?

George: I think I may be in love with this woman.

(George produces cassette tape from pocket)

Jerry: What if she sees me?

Jerry: Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in?

George: Oh, you are such a wuss.

George: I'll meet her outside the building.

Jerry: A wuss?

Jerry: But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she's going right

George: Yeah. Jerry: Did you call me a wuss?

for that machine. George: Or she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. Who am I kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know how to work those

Outside apartment building, night. George and Jerry are sat on a low wall: George: Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.

stupid machines. Jerry: There's nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out.

Jerry: I got one problem: you're keeping her busy in the other room. Now,

George: You do it for me.

what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me

Jerry: What?

that she's coming.

George: Come on, it'll be so much easier.

George: A signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the signal is, I'll call out 'Tippy

Jerry: How you gonna get me up there?

toe!'

Jerry: Not at all.

Jerry: 'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so.

George: Get up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell with this, I'm scared to

George: You don't like 'Tippy toe?' Jerry: No 'Tippy toe.' George: Alright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll sing. Jerry: What song? George: Erm, 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?' Jerry: What is that? George: Oh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How do you solve a problem like Maria? Jerry: Anything else?

death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go! (Carol arrives) George: Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to call you when I got home. George: I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you. Carol: Oh, that's so sweet. George: Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all

George: You pick it. the time. Jerry: 'Lemon Tree' Jerry: All the time. George: Peter, Paul and Mary. Carol: It's nice to meet you. Jerry: No, Trini Lopez. Jerry: Hi. Both: (Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and a lemon flower

Carol: So, I'm starving. Where are we gonna eat?

George: You got the tape? Jerry: (Produces tapes) Standard. Micro.

George: You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a

George: How do you feel? Confident?

ride home.

Jerry: Feel good.

Carol: OK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you park?

George: You nervous? George: Don't you wanna go upstairs first?

Carol: No, what for? I'll just give my bag to the doorman. Jerry: You know, I really need to use the bathroom.

Carol: Oh that's weird. George: No, no that can happen. I've, er, I've read about that in medical journals. It's a freak thing, but...

Carol: Oh well there's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door. George: Yes, yes, but er, I have to make a call, so...

Carol: Well, let me just check my messages, and we'll go. George: Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now.

Carol: Well they have a phone. Carol: Sure. (George takes Carol to one side) George: I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we

George: Please, this is very, very important. (Leads her to other room) (Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape)

really should go upstairs. Carol: (Aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my

George: (Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree! (Carol reappears followed by George)

machine. George: Right, right.

Carol: (To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're a comedian. I've seen

(They enter building)

you, it's driving me crazy. Jerry: Right. I am.

Inside Carol's apartment. Carol, Jerry and George enter:

George: Carol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious, just for a moment, if

Carol: The bathroom's on the hall to the right.

you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry.

Jerry: Er, you know, why don't you go first, you just had a long trip.

(George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes)

Carol: No, I'm fine.

Jerry: (Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go.

Jerry: Uhmmm, you know, damnedest thing, it went away.

it's

the (George and Carol return)

Carol: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the

down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't

pool?

talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless

George: (To Jerry) Don't you find that strange?

phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing) "I

Jerry: Yes.

told him!"

Carol: Well, I'll just check my machine and we'll go. No, nothing here, Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbour called me and played my messages to me over the phone. George: Oh, uhhh... Carol: Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes

like that. (All three leave)

Written by: Peter Mehlman Directed by: Tom Cherones

Jerry's closing monologue: Broadcasted: April 4, 1991 for the first time. I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Tony Plana (as Manny), and Glenn

in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also

Shadix (as Harold).

have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam

[Setting: Night club] JERRY: Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years

and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around,

My pre-mousse and now, I begin my postmousse. Hey, tell me the truth,

and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It keeps coming in and coming in. Everytime I

have you ever seen a better looking guy?

paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in.. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be

JERRY: Oh, look, its so subjective. ELAINE: I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon. KRAMER: Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that. ELAINE: She lives right above First Avenue, and says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends. JERRY: Maybe. (A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny, the building supervisors) HAROLD: No, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams out something in Spanish)

there. JERRY: Harold and Manny. (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

HAROLD: I'm not going. (Manny says something in Spanish, Jerry goes out into the hall)

(Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded. His hair is slicked down)

JERRY: Boys, boys.

JERRY: What did you do?

HAROLD: Oh, Jerry.

KRAMER: Mousse. I moussed up.

JERRY: I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?

ELAINE: I guess it was just a matter of time. KRAMER: You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I had two lives.

HAROLD: Yeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalker's apartment? (Manny starts yelling at Harold in Spanish) I was only

joking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's things. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there for a month. JERRY: She died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died? HAROLD: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't have a wig on. It was horrifying.

KRAMER: (Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold, what do you think? HAROLD: Manny, mousse in his hair.

look,

Kramer

put

MANNY: (In Spanish) It looks worse. KRAMER: (Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks. (Jerry enters his apartment) ELAINE: What was that all about?

MANNY: Harold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry up! HAROLD: (To Manny) What's the matter with you?! I'm talking. So, Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?

JERRY: Oh, nothing important. ELAINE: What's going on? What is that look? JERRY: What look? Nothing.

JERRY: Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine? HAROLD: Oh yeah, I like her. She always says "hello" to me. JERRY: It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause she would take it in a second. HAROLD: Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported. (Manny starts protesting in Spanish) What's the difference? It's true. JERRY: So, it's okay? I could just tell her she can have it?

ELAINE: Something's going on here. JERRY: I don't know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down.. I can't decide. ELAINE: Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? C'mon. Cough it up. JERRY: Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am - rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes - to give, and give, and give..

HAROLD: Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain, too. It's only four hundred dollars a month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay.. (Manny keeps talking in Spanish) Okay. (Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way)

ELAINE: Would you please? JERRY: What would you say if I told you that.. ELAINE: Told me what?!

JERRY: ..I got you an apartment in this building.

ELAINE: And I'll be right upstairs? JERRY: Right upstairs.

ELAINE: (Dumbfounded) No. ELAINE: Right above you? JERRY: Yes. JERRY: Right above me. ELAINE: No. JERRY: Yes. ELAINE: You didn't.

ELAINE: Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time! JERRY: (Suddenly having second thoughts) All the time..

JERRY: I did. ELAINE: You got me an apartment in the building?! JERRY: I got you an apartment in the building.

ELAINE: We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great! JERRY: ..All the time.. (Scene ends)

ELAINE: How did you.. [Setting: Night club] JERRY: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me? ELAINE: No. JERRY: She died. ELAINE: (Thrilled) She died?!

JERRY: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out

JERRY: She died. ELAINE: She died! JERRY: And the rent's only four hundred dollars a month! ELAINE: Get out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles back) Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?! JERRY: Four hundred a month.

somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?" "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!" (Scene ends) [Setting: Coffee shop]

GEORGE: (Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later, Donna. (Walks out, he runs into Jerry outside the shop) What happened to you? JERRY: You can't believe what I just did. GEORGE: What? What did you do?

GEORGE: Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me. JERRY: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building? GEORGE: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?

JERRY: I could tell you what I did, but you wouldn't believe it. It's not believable. GEORGE: What did you do?

JERRY: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.

JERRY: How could I have done that? GEORGE: Done what? JERRY: I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. She's going to move in. GEORGE: building?

Elaine's

moving

into

your

GEORGE: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage. JERRY: But advantage!

need

the

home

bed

JERRY: Yes. Right above me.

GEORGE: Of course, we all do.

GEORGE: Right above you?

JERRY: (Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come in for two minutes and sit with me.

JERRY: Yes. GEORGE: You're gonna be neighbors.

GEORGE: I embarrassing.

JERRY: I know. Neighbors.

JERRY: Oh, who's gonna know?

GEORGE: She's right above you?

GEORGE: They saw me walk out.

JERRY: Right above me.

JERRY: Two minutes.

GEORGE: How could you do that?

(Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop)

JERRY: 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.

was

just

there.

It's

JERRY: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't make a mistake? He went

for a cup of coffee, and in that second ruined my life.

GEORGE: (Joking) I wonder if that's really true.

GEORGE: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.

JERRY: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you.

JERRY: ..So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?

(Scene ends) [Setting: Apartment buliding hallway]

GEORGE: Tough. (George is trying on a wedding band) JERRY: You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building.. and she loves a good shower. GEORGE: I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray. JERRY: If they were fanatic about showers, they might. GEORGE: For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.. JERRY: Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse? GEORGE: I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first.. remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit? JERRY: Yeah, the guy with the flat head? GEORGE: He's a cube.. anyway, he got married six months ago. he told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him

GEORGE: Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you in a week. KRAMER: You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a piece. GEORGE: I'm not doing that. KRAMER: Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for? GEORGE: No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you. (Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall) HAROLD: I told you I don't like these sponges, they're too small! I want a big sponge! (Manny yells) You can't pick up anything with these! There's no absorption! (Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment)

everywhere he goes.

JERRY: Boys, boys.

JERRY: Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.

HAROLD: Hi, Jerry.

HAROLD: Hello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish to Harold) HAROLD: Okay.. your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry.

GEORGE: So, she can't get the apartment. JERRY: Can't get it. GEORGE: So, she doesn't move in.

JERRY: What? HAROLD: Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it. (Manny yells) Because it's true!

JERRY: No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan. GEORGE: And how does the baldness fit into that plan? (The intercom buzzes)

Why shouldn't I tell him? JERRY: (Into the intercom) Elaine? JERRY: Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen. (Manny talks in Spanish) HAROLD: Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, we'll give it to her. JERRY: Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be. (Goes back to his apartment) You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.

ELAINE: Yeah. JERRY: (Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should go in the other room. GEORGE: Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole life is a sham! JERRY: 'Cause you know, I love Elaine.

GEORGE: What happened to you? GEORGE: Of course you do. JERRY: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the

JERRY: But you know.. not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me..

apartment upstairs. GEORGE: Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars! JERRY: Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars!

(Enter Elaine) ELAINE: (To someone in the hallway) No, I'll be seeing you. (Starts to sing) "Good morning, good morning.." Have you ever gotten up in the morning

and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other room) Oh, and before I forget, I have the

ELAINE: They want five thousand dollars now.

checks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have seventy-five dollars left in my account.

ELAINE: I don't have five thousand dollars.

JERRY: (Looks at the checks) Well.. there's a little bit of a problem. ELAINE: Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. I've already thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, "Why stand when you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.. JERRY: No, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you, but you'd have to come up with that money. ELAINE: Five thousand dollars? I don't have five thousand dollars.

KRAMER: So, okay. What's the problem?

KRAMER: C'mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars.. Jerry, you don't have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on. JERRY: Yeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something you want to borrow? ELAINE: No, that's too much money to borrow. KRAMER: Loan her the money. You can afford it. JERRY: She doesn't want to borrow the money. KRAMER: Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's five grand between friends? ELAINE: Of course I'd pay you back.. KRAMER: Yeah, so what's the problem?

JERRY: I know. JERRY: Who said there's a problem? ELAINE: How am I going to get five thousand dollars?

KRAMER: He said he'd loan you the money.

JERRY: I have no idea. (Enter Kramer)

ELAINE: Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that?

KRAMER: Hey, my new neighbor! KRAMER: That's okay. He doesn't care. ELAINE: I'm not moving in. KRAMER: What?

ELAINE: You know, money can sometimes come between friends. KRAMER: Get outta here.

ELAINE: Let me think about it.

(George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns)

KRAMER: What's to think about? ELAINE: I'll take it! ELAINE: I don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand.. let me just take one more look at it. (Leaves) JERRY: It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand.. Where's she gonna get five thousand? She doesn't have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. She's gone. Then you come in, "Why don't you loan her five thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand." KRAMER: You didn't want her in the building? JERRY: No, I didn't! KRAMER: Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she won't take it.. I mean, she did say that she was going to think about it.

(George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room) (Scene ends) [Setting: Roxanne's apartment] (Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry and George. Roxanne greets them) ROXANNE: Hi, Elaine.. ELAINE: Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry. (They exchange greetings) Jerry's the one who got me my new apartment! ROXANNE: So, you're Elaine's hero. JERRY: Yeah, it's my life's work.

JERRY: People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals. KRAMER: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building. JERRY: Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand. KRAMER: Because I'm a pod?

ROXANNE: There are so few true heros left in this world. (Jerry's attracted to Roxanne, Elaine notices) GEORGE: (Showing off his wedding band) Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today. She's got some thing with her mother.. Who know's what going on with her. Don't let any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle) JERRY: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race. (Starts selecting food from the tables)

ROXANNE: Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?

Roxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building!

JERRY: Oh, yes. Particularily if your not in it.

JOANNE: Well, Jerry, it'll be nice having a close friend nearby?

ROXANNE: I wish we had a view of the finish line.

JERRY: Fantastic.. STAN: She can pop in whenever she wants.

JERRY: What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers.

JERRY: I know. JOANNE: She doesn't even need to knock!

(Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next to an attractive woman)

JERRY: It's tremendous. STAN: Anytime of day.

GEORGE: ..Yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. I'm tellin' ya, it's one thing after another. RITA: Is she here? GEORGE: No, she's working.

JERRY: I'm in heaven. ELAINE: Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's the one who got me the apartment. RITA: Oh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this is the guy who got Elaine the apartment.

RITA: What does she do? (Scene cuts to George) GEORGE: She's an.. entymologist - you know, bees, flies, gnats. What about you? RITA: I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. It's great! I can get free tickets to any sporting even in New York. (George is stunned) Anyway, she's a

GEORGE: I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal about being a matador. The bull charges, you move the cape, wha't so hard? (The both laugh flirtingly)

very luck woman.

SUSIE: So, are you really married? Because, I've actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attrack women.

GEORGE: But.. (She leaves, George is standing there)

GEORGE: You'd have to be a real loser to try something like that.

(Scene cuts to an entering man and woman) ROXANNE: Hi Stan. Joanne.

SUSIE: That's too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses. (Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George)

ELAINE: Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my short story class with

RITA: Hey everybody! Here come the runners!

(Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put) ELAINE: So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?

didn't take it. (Points to himself) This is an idiot. GEORGE: Is that right? (Showing him up) I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please,

JERRY: Oh, I wouldn't quite say that. ELAINE: Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her. JERRY: I'm a guy.. it always looks like that. ELAINE: Because, I was thinking.. are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles?

a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots! ROXANNE: (Yelling out the window) You're all winners! GEORGE: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.. (Scene ends)

JERRY: Na.. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] ELAINE: Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. But - as long as

JERRY: (Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep at all last night.. I decided I have to tell her.. I'm just going to be honest. That's all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are you

you're okay with it, it's fine with me. (Scene cuts to George) JANICE: I've never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. It's a shame

listening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide right off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you back after I talk to her. Bye. KRAMER: Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's cool.

you're married..

JERRY: What? What's cool?

GEORGE: (Frantically tries to take the ring off) I'm not. It's just a sociological experiment!

KRAMER: Elaine.

JANICE: Please.. (Walks away)

KRAMER: I just found a guy who's willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.

(Jerry walks over to George) JERRY: You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I

JERRY: What are you talking about?

JERRY: You what?! Get out! Ten thousand?

KRAMER: (Nods) Cash. JERRY: Who would pay that much? KRAMER: He's in the music business. JERRY: Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think I'm in the clear here. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She has no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I"m golden! KRAMER: Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans. (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is coming through the walls)

HAROLD: I'm not the one who said eleven o' clock. He makes up his own rules. ELAINE: Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse. (Kramer enters) KRAMER: (Talking about the music) Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! (Scene ends) [Setting: Night club] JERRY: I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a

ELAINE: Wow. You're right. That is loud.

ELAINE: They rehearse all the time?

shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh.... shhh... shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause

JERRY: All the time. I've been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I can't live like this. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm heading for breakdown! (To Harold)

nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh. "Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me." Some people you can't shush in a movie

Can't you do something? HAROLD: I'm not going up. It stinks up there.

theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it. They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They won't

JERRY: Manny..

shush. They're the unshushables.

JERRY: It's just unbelievable.

MANNY: (In Spanish) They're allowed to play until eleven o' clock.

END OF SHOW. Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com The Statue Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

Written by: Larry Charles Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: April 11, 1991 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael D. Conway (as Ray), and Nurit Koppel (as Rava). [Setting: Night club] JERRY: I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I don't know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because it's really not a definite thing yet. Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that I've received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. It's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, "You may have already won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost!" You turn it over, giant

printing, "Not even close!" You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest." (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (George is reading the paper. Kramer and Jerry both try to enter carrying a large carton with the name Seinfeld on it) JERRY: (Trying to get the box through the door. To Kramer) To the right. (They get it through) GEORGE: That took awhile. JERRY: (Sarcastic) Don't get up. GEORGE: I'd like to help, but my neck.. (The set the box on the table) GEORGE: So how long has it been in the basement? JERRY: Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didn't want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it's been sitting down there for three years.. until he saw it. (To Kramer) Alright, so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here. (They open the box, and start going through it) GEORGE: What's in it? JERRY: Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them. KRAMER: (Pulls out some socks) You want these? Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.

JERRY: No, go ahead. (Looks around his apartment) Look at this place. I can't wait to get it cleaned. GEORGE: I know someone who'll do it. She's good. She's honest. JERRY: No, Elaine got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it. GEORGE: Students can't clean. It's anathema. (Jerry's confused) ..They don't like it. JERRY: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked. (George grips the statue, but Kramer wont let go. They start to fight for it) KRAMER: C'mon, George. I saw it first. GEORGE: No, Kramer. I have to have this statue. KRAMER: No, I got dibs!

(Kramer pulls a statue out of the box) KRAMER: Now this, I like. (George's eyes light up when he sees the statue)

GEORGE: What? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon, give it! JERRY: (Stepping in) Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why don't you just settle it like mature adults?

GEORGE: Wait a second. I can't believe this! Let me see this.

KRAMER: Potato man!

KRAMER: (Getting possesive) Wait, wait, wait..

GEORGE: No, no, no potato man.. Inkadink.

GEORGE: Let me just see it. KRAMER: Come on..

(Kramer and George both visibly add up in their heads to see who would lose if InkaDink was the way to go)

(The both grab it)

KRAMER: Okay.. start with me.

GEORGE: Let me just see it for a second. Oh my God, it's exactly the same!

GEORGE: Yeah, good, good.

JERRY: What? GEORGE: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the

(Jerry begins the childish choosing game of Inka-dink, pointing alternately between Kramer and George with every syllable)

JERRY: Inka-dink, a bottle of ink. The cork fell out, and you stink. Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean - just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine.. (He lands on Kramer, then completes the rhyme) And you are it! (Lands on George)

KRAMER: Oh, uh, well - okay. (Balls up the clothes he just got, and throws them into his apartment, and leaves)

KRAMER: What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. He's out. I get it.

GEORGE: What?

GEORGE: No, no, no, no.. I'm "it". I win.

GEORGE: "It"'s bad?

JERRY: No, he's it. He wins. "It" is good.

JERRY: "It" very bad.

KRAMER: Do over - start with him.

(Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks. (Kramer tosses the statue to George)

JERRY: Alright, let's go. Hey, you know, you owe me one.

JERRY: The Inka-dink.. you were "It".

RAVA: Well, if they don't let you be my editor on this book, I'll go to another publisher. It's that simple.

KRAMER: Alright, you can have it. Okay, I'm gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.

ELAINE: You told them that?

JERRY: Alright, c'mon. Let's go.

ELAINE: This is so fantastic. I don't know how to thank you.

KRAMER: Hey, I'll look like Joe Friday in Dragnet. (Hums out the theme song) GEORGE: (In shock) I can't believe I won at Inka-dink. JERRY: Come on, let's go. (They go to the door. George sets the statue down) Aren't you gonna take it? GEORGE: No, no, no, I don't want to carry it around all night. I'll pick it up later. GOERGE: (To Kramer) What about your stuff?

RAVA: Of course.

(Jerry enters for the bedroom carrying luggage) JERRY: (Frantic) So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer. I've got a flight. ELAINE: Oh, probably caught in traffic. RAVA: (Serious) Or maybe he's dead. JERRY: (Joking) So what do you write, children's books? (There's a knock at the door) RAVA: That's Ray.

(Ray enters with cleaning gear) RAY: Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend.. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you. (Bows) JERRY: (Taken aback) ..Alright. RAVA: And we have to get back to work. (She exits with Elaine)

the bottom of the little egg cups. Come here, look at this. (Gets on his knees) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man! ELAINE: There's no Rubber Man. JERRY: ..Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man and Plastic Man. ELAINE: I'm leaving. JERRY: Where are you going?

JERRY: (Rushed) I gotta get to the airport. RAY: Your place shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.

ELAINE: To Rava's house. I've gotta pick up her manuscript.

JERRY: The toilet brush is under the sink.. (Exits)

JERRY: Wait. I'll go with you. (They both go tward the door. Jerry opens it) Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole! (The leave)

(Scene ends) [Setting: Night club]

(Scene ends) [Setting: Rava's apartment]

JERRY: I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I let that stuff over there." And that's why I could never be a maid, because I'd have an attitude. I'd find them, whereever they are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?"

(Jerry, Elaine, and Rava sit in the living room)

(Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] JERRY: He really did an amazing job, look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid. (Opens refrigerator) He cleaned out

ELAINE: (To Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. He's the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request.. RAVA: Demand. (The sound of locks being unlocked can be heard) There's Ray.. late as usual. (Ray enters) RAY: Well, this is an unexpected surprise and Delight! The once and future king of comedy, "Jerry the First," gracing our humble abode. Rava, we're in the presence of royalty.

JERRY: Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment. RAY: But I didn't just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life. JERRY: (Joking about his personality) Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere? (They all laugh - Ray laughs longer than everyone else. Jerry savors the laughs of his big fan - then he sees George's statue on the mantle of the fireplace. He's stunned by the sight) RAVA: The water is boiling. Are you having tea? ELAINE AND RAY: Yes. (Jerry's still stunned)

JERRY: My grandfather gave me a statue! ELAINE: Since when? JERRY: What's the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off! (Ray pops his head back into the living room) RAY: Do you take sugar? JERRY AND ELAINE: Uhh.. no. (Ray goes back into the kitchen) JERRY: I can't believe it! This guy ripped me off! ELAINE: Do you realize what you're saying?

ELAINE: Jerry? ..Jerry! JERRY: (Snaps out of it) What? RAVA: (From the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand?

JERRY: Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house! (Ray pops in again) RAY: Lemon?

RAY: Yeah, I'm coming! (He leaves. As soon as both Rava and Ray are in the kitchen, Jerry and Elaine start talking in loud whispers) JERRY: (Points to the statue) I think that's the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!

JERRY AND ELAINE: (Causual) Uh.. sure, yeah.. (Ray goes back into the kitchen) ELAINE: Are you sure? JERRY: Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.

ELAINE: What statue? ELAINE: Ninety-nine percent sure?! JERRY: I had a statue! ELAINE: You have a statue? I never saw a statue.

(Ray and Rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea)

RAY: Ah, sweet elixir. It's fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.

(A long beat passes)

(Jerry smells it suspiciously - like it's poisoned. A ding from the kitchen can be heard)

JERRY: My mom's down in Florida.. she's go one of those condos.. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

RAY: The pastries!

(Ray enters with a tray of pastries)

(Ray and Rava exit in different directions)

RAY: I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.

ELAINE: Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe it's just a coincidence. JERRY: Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment.

JERRY: ..Listen, I just I'm ..uh, getting a facial.

remembered..

ELAINE: (Takes the manuscript) Oh, see you tomarrow morning.

ELAINE: I never saw the statue. (They go to leave) JERRY: I had a statue! What should I do? RAY: Oh, how about dinner? ELAINE: I don't know. JERRY: ..I'll call Kramer. He can check my house. (Grabs the phone, and dials) ELAINE: Oh Jerry, don't blow this for me.

JERRY: No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers. (They leave) (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Don't worry.. (Whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!.. It's Jerry!.. Jerry! .. from next door!.. Never mind where I am!.. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!.. (Rava enters with a manuscript. Jerry starts talking casually)

JERRY: (On the phone) Uh huh.. yeah.. Okay, thanks anyway. Bye. (Hangs up) Nope, the cop says it's my word against his. There's nothing they can do.

Jerry: Ma, I told ya, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan. Okay, bye. (Hangs up) My mother.. She forgot how to make French Toast. You know how mothers are.

JERRY: Yeah, right.

RAVA: My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. He ever heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.

KRAMER: Let's go get him.

GEORGE: We can't just let him get away with this. JERRY: Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know it's missing, and he took it! And of all things to take - I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy.

KRAMER: You wanta go get him? ELAINE: Well, then, if he's crazy you should just forget it. GEORGE: Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted potatoes!

are you going to fight him? Why don't you just.. forget it? JERRY AND GEORGE: No. (Scene ends) [Setting: Coffee shop] (Jerry sits alone. In the next booth to Jerry's back, George is sitting inconspicuously)

ELAINE: George, do you realize that Rava's asked me to edit her book?

GEORGE: (To Jerry, without looking at him) I thought you said one o' clock.

GEORGE: Who is this Rava?

JERRY: Relax, he's late. He's always late. It's part of his "M.O."

KRAMER: I say we get him. GEORGE: Remember, don't take any crap. ELAINE: No! JERRY: Yeah, yeah.. don't worry about it. GEORGE: Let me just call him. GEORGE: I'll be right here. JERRY: I'll call him. (Picks up the cordless phone. Kramer, George, and Elaine all struggle for control of the other - so they can listen in on the conversation. As Jerry's talking, the three others still fight) Hello, Ray? ..Hi, Ray, this is Rava's friend, Elaine's frined, Jerry.. The King of Comedy.. right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (To Kramer and George) Will you shut up?! (To Ray) Yeah, you don't want to talk about it over the phone? You don't want Rava to hear? ..Yeah, I understand.. You know that coffee shop near my house, Monk's? ..Alright, tomarrow. One o' clock. Great, okay, bye. (Hangs up) ELAINE: (Scrambling) Alright, look, look, look, Let's say he stole it. GEORGE: Oh, he stole it? ELAINE: C'mon, you can't do anything about it. The cops won't do anything. What,

(Ray enters) JERRY: (Sarcastic) That's comforting.. Shh. He's here. (Greeting him) Ray? RAY: (Stands next to the table) Oh, Jerry. I can't believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you could've got me into? JERRY: ..Well, I didn't.. RAY: Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue. GEORGE: (Muttering to himself) I wonder why. JERRY: Well, just give it back, and I won't say anything. RAY: Give it back?

JERRY: Yeah. RAY: What are you talking about? JERRY: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: (to himself) I can't believe what I'm hearing. RAY: For your information, I got that statue at a pawn shop.

GEORGE: (Muttering) What is he talking about..

GEORGE: (To Himself) A pawn shop?

RAY: I'm talking about the statue.

JERRY: A pawn shop?

JERRY: Yeah, me too.

RAY: Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people's apartments.

RAY: Give it back to whom? JERRY: Me. GEORGE: (To himself) Yeah, him.

GEORGE: (To himself) And cleaning them out. (Jerry elbows George - a message to shut up)

RAY: You? JERRY: Yeah. Me.

JERRY: Oh, excuse me.. Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.

RAY: I'm not getting this.

RAY: What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it?

GEORGE: (To himself) You already got it.

GEORGE: (To himself) Again with the Rava.

JERRY: Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house - and then I saw it in your house. RAY: What are you saying? JERRY: What am I saying?

RAY: You want her. JERRY: (Joking) No, she's a little too cheery for me.

GEORGE: (To himself) Take a wild guess.

RAY: (Losing it) She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!

RAY: Are you saying I stole your statue?

JERRY: I know Finland. They're neutral.

GEORGE: (To himself) What a mind.

RAY: Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?

JERRY: Well, I.. RAY: I can't believe what I'm hearing. JERRY: I can't believe what I'm hearing.

JERRY: No, I actually find you quite charming.. a bit verbose at times.

GEORGE: (Mocking) "Oh, I find you so charming" ..You wuss. JERRY: (To George) Did you call me a wuss?

GEORGE: Oh, I'm crazy! JERRY: (Still pleading) George, george.. RAY: I've got to get going. I have a class.

RAY: What did you say? JERRY: I said luss.. I'm at a luss.. RAY: I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it. JERRY: That's not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table in anger) You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea. RAY: And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.

GEORGE: Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar! RAY: Well, that's because I'm registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name. GEORGE: You mean alias. RAY: You are starting to make me angry.

GEORGE: (Muttering to Singapore?! Do you hear this?

himself) GEORGE: Well, that was bound to happen!

RAY: If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore aand have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.

RAY: (To Jerry) I hope you think about what you've done here today.. and if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me. (Goes to leave)

GEORGGE: That's it! That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! (Gets up, turns around, and confronts Ray) You stole the statue! You're a theif! You're a liar!

JERRY: Hey, Ray.

JERRY: (Pleading) George.

RAY: (Stops) Yes? JERRY: How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!

RAY: (To Jerry) Who is this? GEORGE: I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is.. guilty!

(Scene ends) [Setting: Pendant publishing]

RAY: What's going on here?

(Elaine and Rava are waiting for an elevator)

GEORGE: GUILTY!

ELAINE: Nervous?

RAY: Your friend is crazy.

RAVA: Why should I be?

ELAINE: Yeah. Right.

ELAINE: Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gon and it's in your apartment.

RAVA: Your notes are very insightful. RAVA: Maybe you think we're in cahoots. ELAINE: The book is great. Did you go out last night?

ELAINE: No, no.. but it is quite a coincidence.

RAVA: No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.

RAVA: Yes, that's all, a coincidence!

ELAINE: They all are..

ELAINE: A big coincidence.

RAVA: Was Jerry?

RAVA: Not coincidence!

big

coincidence.

ELAINE: I can't remember.. ELAINE: No, that's a big coincidence. (Doors open. They step in) RAVA: You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations. ELAINE: Oh, well, I'm staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved.

RAVA: That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences! ELAINE: No, coincidences.

there

are

degrees

RAVA: (Annoyed) So you think he stole it?!

RAVA: No, there are only coincidences! ..Ask anyone! (Enraged, she asks everone in the elevator) Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? (Silent) ..Well?! Well?!..

ELAINE: Well, you have to admit.. the circumstantial evidence.

(Everyone just kinda shrugs, then murmurs. The doors open)

RAVA: I admit nothing!

MAN: Will you put that cigarette out?!

(The doors close. Scene cuts to the inside of the elevator)

RAVA: (Pointing the lit end at him) Maybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) It's just like Ray said - you and Jerry are jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us.

(The doors close. Scene cuts to moments later, on another floor. The doors open)

MAN: Will you put that cigarette out, please? (Rava ignores him)

ELAINE: Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere? (The doors close. Scene cuts to another floor. The elevator is empty except for

Elaine. There's a janitor's cart parked right outside the doors. She steps out, then throws the manuscript into the garbage can of the cart, and exits) (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] GEORGE: (On the phone) Ma, will you stop?.. It's just a statue! How is it my fault?! ..It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time.. Okay, fine. I don't se why this should affect to potatoes! Okay. Goodbye. (Hangs up) She doesn't react to disappointement very well.. unlike me.

GEORGE: Yeah.. He'll have my parents! (Scene ends) [Setting: Rava and Ray's apartment] (Ray's home alone. There's a knock at the door) KRAMER: Police! Open up! RAY: Police? (Opens the door a crack Kramer barges in like a cop. He's wearing Jerry's grandfather's suit and hat. He forces Ray against the wall - face first)

KRAMER: I'm not happy about this.

KRAMER: Freeze, mother!

ELAINE: Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?

RAY: Hey..

GEORGE: There's just no justice. This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded. JERRY: Really? GEORGE: (Casually) Sure. Why not? ELAINE: Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook. JERRY: Can't you talk to your boss? ELAINE: I did. He loves Rava.. worse.. he loves Ray, and he doesn't think you're funny at all. KRAMER: I'm not happy about this. JERRY: Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..

(Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall) KRAMER: Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! (Looks around) You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder. RAY: Murder?! (Kramer shoves him against the wall) KRAMER: Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert! RAY: I think you have me confused with somebody else. KRAMER: (Afraid he's got the wrong guy) Is your name Ray? RAY: Yeah.

KRAMER: (Assured) Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for. (Grabs the statue from the mantle, and puts it in his bag)

KRAMER: Well, I'll think of something.. (Slaps George on the back - sending the statue crashing to the ground)

RAY: Hey, hey, are you a cop?

(Scene ends) [Setting: Night club]

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me? RAY: Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about. KRAMER: Good. Good. Let's keep it that way. (Exits) (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? ..You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on. END OF SHOW.

(Kramer guides Jerry, Elaine, and George into the apartment) JERRY: Alright, alright. What's the big hubbub, bub? (Kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag. He places it on the table, and reveals the statue)

GEORGE: Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero! KRAMER: Yeah. JERRY: Kramer, what did you do? KRAMER: Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court. GEORGE: I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. (Giddily) I.. I.. I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how to thank you!

Episode 12 Written By Larry David Directed By Tom Cherones =============================== =============================== ========== Guest Starring Regular Cast --------------------- -------------------

FRED APPLEGATE as Levitan SEINFELD as Jerry

JERRY JERRY: Hey.

JOHN CAPODICE as Vic JULIA LOUISDREYFUSS as Elaine

KRAMER: Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last

TERI AUSTIN as Ava ALEXANDER as George

night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the

JASON

PATRIKA DARBO as Glenda MICHAEL RICHARDS as Kramer

roof to kill himself. JERRY: Well, what'd you say?

MARCUS SMYTHE as Dan HILNER as Greeny

JOHN KRAMER: I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I

DECK McKENZIE as Bill =============================== =============================== ==========

said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.

LEVITAN: Remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George. [laughing] Get

JERRY: What's his problem?

this...I got it all on video. [laughing]

KRAMER: No job. No women.

GEORGE: That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone.

JERRY: He called the right guy.

Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you.

KRAMER: What am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him?

[laughing] You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! [knocking

JERRY: All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry. KRAMER: Why don't you use the machines down in the basement? JERRY: Fluff and fold. The only way to live. [snapping fingers in tune with

object over on desk] I quit! words] I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight. KRAMER: Hey.

KRAMER: How 'bout if I put a few things --

JERRY: Wait a sec. I don't wanna do --

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: Well, you're going over there.

GEORGE: I quit my job.

JERRY: I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You

JERRY: Get outta here. GEORGE: I couldn't take it anymore.

can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a

VIC: You can have this on Monday.

riot.

JERRY: What happened? Levitan?

KRAMER: Have you ever met my guys?

GEORGE: I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I

JERRY: No. I can't say as I have. KRAMER: Well! JERRY: All right. Put 'em on top.

get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, [laughing] we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!

KRAMER: Ah! JERRY: You and your toilets. JERRY: Oh, beautiful. This stuff on top is my friends'. Could I get it done in a separate machine? VIC: I'll have to charge you for another machine. JERRY: Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are

GEORGE: I snapped! It was the last straw. [sighs] JERRY: So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate? GEORGE: Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible. JERRY: So what are you gonna do?

not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump

GEORGE: I like sports. I could do something in sports.

across. JERRY: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity? GEORGE: Guess what. JERRY: How did you know I was here? GEORGE: Kramer. Guess what.

GEORGE: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.

JERRY: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get. GEORGE: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a caller man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game. JERRY: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments. GEORGE: What about that? JERRY: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that

talk show host? JERRY: Talk show host. That's good. GEORGE: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host. JERRY: Really? GEORGE: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start? JERRY: Well, that's where it gets tricky.

are, you know, in broadcasting. GEORGE: Well, that's really not fair. JERRY: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like?

GEORGE: You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host." JERRY: I wouldn't think so.

GEORGE: Movies. I like to watch movies. GEORGE: It's all politics. JERRY: Yeah. Yeah. GEORGE: Do they pay people to watch movies? JERRY: Projectionists. GEORGE: That's true.

JERRY: All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else? GEORGE: This could have been a huge mistake. JERRY: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.

JERRY: But you gotta know how to work the projector.

GEORGE: [sighs] What should I do?

GEORGE: Right.

JERRY: Maybe you can just go back.

JERRY: And it's probably a union thing.

GEORGE: Go back?

GEORGE: [scoffs] Those unions. [sighs] Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a

JERRY: Yeah. Pretend happened.

like it never

GEORGE: Yeah. Good weekend. GEORGE: You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it

DAN: Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. [laughing] Lisa was a

never happened? JERRY: Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously.

little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday.

GEORGE: Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened. JERRY: Never happened.

GEORGE: Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor. LEVITAN: Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?

GEORGE: I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what?

AVA: I got a little tied up.

JERRY: So what? You're entitled.

LEVITAN: I'll bet you did.

GEORGE: I'm emotional.

[laughter breaks out in boardroom]

JERRY: That's right. You're emotional.

LEVITAN: I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick

GEORGE: Never happened. JERRY: Never happened.

Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in Lasky's Bar, Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really

GEORGE: How ya doin'? GLENDA: What are you doing here?

means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you doing

GEORGE: What? I work here.

here?

GLENDA: I thought you quit.

GEORGE: What?

GEORGE: What quit? [laughing] Who quit?

LEVITAN: Am I crazy, or didn't you quit?

DAN: Bill, how was your weekend?

GEORGE: When?

BILL: Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend?

LEVITAN: Friday.

DAN: Fine weekend.

GEORGE: Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You

took that seriously? JERRY: You don't wanna tell me? LEVITAN: You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff? GEORGE: Come on. Will you stop it.

GEORGE: I'm gonna slip him a mickey. JERRY: What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What? Are you Peter

LEVITAN: No brains? No ability? Lorre? GEORGE: Teasing. LEVITAN: Okay. I want you outta here.

GEORGE: You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been

GEORGE: I don't know where you're getting this from. I....you're serious

looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole

aren't you? Oh, [laughing] you see?

thing.

LEVITAN: You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're

JERRY: What if you destroy him?

there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll

GEORGE: No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched

always be a loser.

it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.

GEORGE: " I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." This is

JERRY: Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal.

what he said to me.

GEORGE: This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing!

JERRY: Well, so that's that. GEORGE: No. That's not that.

It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!

JERRY: That's not that?

JERRY: You've really gone mental.

GEORGE: No.

GEORGE: Nah.

JERRY: Well, if that's not that, what is that?

JERRY: Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying

GEORGE: I've got some plans. I got plans. "mickey"! JERRY: What kind of plans? GEORGE: I got a sauce. GEORGE: What's the difference?

JERRY: You got a mickey sauce?

JERRY: Whew. Did he wave?

GEORGE: And Elaine is gonna keep him busy.

KRAMER: No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from

JERRY: Elaine? How did you rope her into this?

across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to

GEORGE: I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife.

get back at me. JERRY: Oh, my god!

JERRY: She knew that. KRAMER: What's the matter? GEORGE: But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.

JERRY: Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some

JERRY: What is the point of all this? GEORGE: Revenge. JERRY: Oh, the best revenge is living well.

reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on,

GEORGE: There's no chance of that. let's go. JERRY: Did you get your laundry? KRAMER: Where? Where? KRAMER: Yeah. JERRY: To the Laundromat. JERRY: What's with you? VIC: I never saw it. KRAMER: He jumped. JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What -- what are you doing?

KRAMER: Yeah. Newman jumped.

VIC: Hey, you see that sign right there?

JERRY: Did he call you last night?

JERRY: Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. JERRY: What did you say? KRAMER: I said " Wave to me when you pass my window."

VIC: I'm not responsible. JERRY: So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?

VIC: You ever hear of a bank?

KRAMER: Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in

JERRY: Come on. Let's go.

the washing machine.

KRAMER: No. You can't let him get away with this.

JERRY: And what's gonna happen?

ELAINE: Which one is he? GEORGE: That's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish.

KRAMER: Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block!

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I see him.

JERRY: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this.

Lex Luthor.

ELAINE: Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison?

KRAMER: You keep him busy.

GEORGE: This is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done.

[Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine, knocking chairs around]

ELAINE: Yeah. It is kind of cool. GEORGE: First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone.

[Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine] KRAMER: Whoa!

ELAINE: I can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do

[lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles backwards

in the movies. and slams into dryer] GEORGE: That's exactly what I told Jerry! GEORGE: You go over there ELAINE: Really? ELAINE: Yeah. GEORGE: Yes! [both laughing]

GEORGE: You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're

GEORGE: God, I've never felt so alive!

keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.

JERRY: Maybe we should call this off.

ELAINE: Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth?

LEVITAN: Come on! They're terrible. They got no infield.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah!

ELAINE: Oops! 'Scuse me.

LEVITAN: [laughing] I'd never been to a nudist colony.

LEVITAN: Yeah. GREENY(?): I'm gonna get some food. You want some? LEVITAN: Nah. ELAINE: Hi.

ELAINE: Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my

LEVITAN: Hi. office and I'll just sit there naked. ELAINE: [sneezes] LEVITAN: Seriously? LEVITAN: God bless you. ELAINE: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. [blowing nose] Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... yoooou! LEVITAN: You're welcome. ELAINE: People don't say " God bless you " as much as they used to. Have you noticed that?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day. GEORGE: [whispering] Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat? GLENDA: What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats. GEORGE: [whispering] I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here. GLENDA: What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired. GEORGE: [whispering] Okay. Okay. Fine. ELAINE: I cook naked, I clean....I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked.

LEVITAN: No. Naked. Naked. ELAINE: So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week. LEVITAN: Nudist colony?

LEVITAN: Who are you? ELAINE: Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble.

[lid on machine slams shut after Kramer opens it, forcing him to pour

[Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing, his entire body covered with

concrete all over machine]

dry concrete]

JERRY: What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that?

KRAMER: I didn't realize it was a full box.

[opening lid, Kramer begins to contort & flail arms about as a cloud of

GEORGE: I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off.

concrete covers his face] GLENDA: I don't' wear a wig. JERRY: Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?

GEORGE: One... ELAINE: No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I

[Kramer emptying bag into machine] JERRY: What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of

really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around. [Levitan & Elaine laughing]

temperament? [finished with machine, Kramer walks to corner of room with half-full bag &

ELAINE: I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever

drops it on the floor]

he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a

[Kramer giving "OK" sign]

secret about my bra.

[Kramer starting machine & trying to brush the mounds of concrete off of

[George empties contents of tiny bottle into Levitan's drink]

the machine]

[Elaine & Levitan laughing]

JERRY: What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must

GEORGE: Hello, Rick.

be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?

LEVITAN: Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here! GEORGE: That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me! LEVITAN: You know something, Costanza? I'm a very lucky man.

GEORGE: Rick. GEORGE: Oh! LEVITAN: I've always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap. GEORGE: Boom! [all laughing] LEVITAN: You wouldn't believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I'm glad you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, huh?

LEVITAN: I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know. But, hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around the office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this?

GEORGE: Oh. LEVITAN: Why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of

GEORGE: Drink up. I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something.

business? I, uh, I want you to come back. You can use my bathroom anytime you want.

ELAINE: Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree.

GEORGE: You want me to come back? Uh...

JERRY: Yeah. That's true. What? My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you

LEVITAN: Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast!

find it?

GEORGE: Rick.

KRAMER: It was in my laundry.

LEVITAN: Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick Barr

JERRY: In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys.

Properties.

What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?

GEORGE: Uh, Rick.. KRAMER: It was about 1200 bucks. LEVITAN: And all the people in this room, [clears throat] that made that

NEWMAN: Kramer!

possible..

KRAMER: Oh! That's Newman.

NEWMAN: I'm on the roof! Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, KRAMER: Well, what are you waiting for? JERRY: Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, John Posey (as Doctor), and Stephen Tobolowsky (as Tor Akman).

pay this guy the money.. GEORGE: I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy. KRAMER: You wanna shoot some pool tonight? NEWMAN: I can't. I'm goin' to the movies.

[Setting: Night club] JERRY: You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have

-------------------------------------------------------------

a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call

my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we

GEORGE: Nah. It's probably a union thing.

understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want! (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry's sitting on his couch in the dark, watching TV)

Written by: Larry Charles Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: April 25, 1991 for the first time.

TV VOICE: (Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the sky. The planets are on fire. It is just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like

flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha..

JERRY: Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?

(Jerry's now asleep) (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's bedroom] (Jerry's laying in his bed. He wakes suddenly, picks up a pen and scribbles something down on a pad. He laughs, shakes his head, then goes back to sleep, laughing

ELAINE: (Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry? GEORGE: Let me see that. (Studies the note) ELAINE: Hey, where's Kramer? JERRY: I don't know. That's like asking "Where's Waldo?"

to himself) (Scene ends)

GEORGE: (Still holding the note) I think I'm having a heart attack.

[Setting: Coffee shop]

JERRY: I don't think that's it.

(Jerry looks tired. He's staring at a crumpled piece of note paper. George takes out a cucumber from a bag in his pocket)

GEORGE: I'm not kidding.

ELAINE: What do you got, a cucumber?

ELAINE: I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack.

JERRY: What does that mean?

GEORGE: Yeah, so what? JERRY: Oh, he's having a heart attack. ELAINE: You're bringing in an outside cucumber? GEORGE: They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber.

GEORGE: Tightness.. JERRY: C'mon. GEORGE: Shortness of breath..

JERRY: (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-terval? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit. (Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke? ELAINE: No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny."

JERRY: Oh, this is ridiculous. GEORGE: Radiating waves of pain.. JERRY: I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure and not watch it.

GEORGE: There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm.. the left arm. JERRY: (To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks. GEORGE: Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed.

MAN: Ooooooohhh.. GEORGE: I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when I had my tonsils out. You know, they never gave me any ice cream. I always felt thatMAN: Shut up!

JERRY: So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital? GEORGE: Manhattan Memorial, less of a line. JERRY: I'll call an ambulance. (Exits) (A waitress approaches. George is dying, but the waitress doesn't seem to notice) WAITRESS: Is everything alright? GEORGE: We'll just take a check. (She leaves the check. George, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. He finds an error) You made a mistake

(Scene goes to Jerry. He's standing at the doorway, showing the note to a nurse) JERRY: Well? What do you think? NURSE 1: "Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely. JERRY: "Salami salami bologna"? DOCTOR: (In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine. He didn't have a heart attack. I'll be in in a few minutes. JERRY: (Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how

on the.. ELAINE: George!

ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and get you a Superman comic?

(Scene ends) GEORGE: No, no thanks. [Setting: Hospital room] (George lies in the bed. He has EKG cups on his chest, a tube up his nose, and an IV in his arm. The man in the neighboring bed seems to be in pain)

JERRY: (Still going along with the practical joke) You know, I was wondering.. You know that Black Hawks jacket you have? GEORGE: Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love my Black Hawks jacket.

MAN: Ooohhh... Argghhh.. GEORGE: Are.. are you okay?

JERRY: Well, you know, I was thinking - if things don't exactly work out..

GEORGE: Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short.

(Elaine enters - she gets a clear shot of Jerry's jokingly trying to kill George)

JERRY: No, I tried it on. It fits good. ELAINE: Jerry! GEORGE: Well, I didn't really think about what I was gonna do with all.. JERRY: Well, you know..

JERRY: (Acts like he was cought redhanded) Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes the pillow off George, and puts it back on his bed)

GEORGE: (Reluctantly) Well, okay. GEORGE: (To Jerry) Jerk off. JERRY: Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?

(Jerry goes over to Elaine)

GEORGE: Susan Davis? possessive) Hey, wait a second..

(Getting

JERRY: (Whispering) There's nothing wrong with him. I saw the doctor. He's fine.

JERRY: Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.

(They both go to George's bed. Elaine decides to go along with Jerry's joke)

GEORGE: I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?

ELAINE: Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment?

JERRY: You know, if your future was a little more certain..

(Jerry and Elaine both sit down, and have their own conversation. They completely ignore George)

GEORGE: Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face. JERRY: Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? Kind of like this? (Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out. He didn't think Jerry would actually

GEORGE: I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down, lose my anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey, is anybody listening?! (The doctor enters. Elaine and the doctor exchange an awkward, romantic glance) DOCTOR: (To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh, Mr. Costanza?

do it) GEORGE: What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!

GEORGE: (Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better.

DOCTOR: Well, we looked at your EKG's, ran some tests, did a complete work-up.

JERRY: Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.

GEORGE: (Getting in a more panicked state) Oh God, Mommy!

ELAINE: I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.

DOCTOR: And you simply haven't had a heart attack. GEORGE: (Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! I don't know how to thank you.

DOCTOR: That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, George. Can we go home now?

JERRY: (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

DOCTOR: No, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight for observation, just to be safe.

GEORGE: (Drawing attention back to him) Excuse me!

GEORGE: Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe it? There's nothing wrong with me. DOCTOR: Well, I wouldn't go that far. GEORGE: (Starting to panic again) What? Oh my God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupis?! Is it Lupis?!

DOCTOR: Anyway, I strongly recommend they come out. GEORGE: What? You mean with a knife? DOCTOR: Yes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip. Anyway, you'd be completely under, you wouldn't feel a thing. And when you wake up, you can have some ice cream.

DOCTOR: Have you ever had your tonsils taken out? GEORGE: My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid. DOCTOR: Well, they've grown back. Your adenoids are swollen too. GEORGE: Really? ELAINE: (Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils grow back? (Laughs) DOCTOR: It happens.

GEORGE: (Angry) Yeah, that's what they told me the last time. DOCTOR: Think about it. (Turns to leave, but runs into Elaine) Excuse me. ELAINE: (Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) I just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (Leaves) JERRY: Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body.

(Kramer enters, eating off a tray of hospital food) KRAMER: Hey.

window going, "My name is Bob" .. George, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you..

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Well, what should I do, Kramer?

KRAMER: Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! (Sits and starts eating) So, how

JERRY: Well, for one think, don't listen to him.

did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs. JERRY: (Trying to shut him up) Kramer. KRAMER: The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage. JERRY: Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack.

KRAMER: I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's a herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function body and mind. JERRY: Eckman? I thought he was doing time? KRAMER: No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel. JERRY: A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor.

KRAMER: No? That's good. GEORGE: I have to have my tonsils taken out.

KRAMER: He's holistic, George. He's holistic. GEORGE: Holistic.. that sounds right.

KRAMER: Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill ya in here.

JERRY: George, you need a medical doctor.

JERRY: (Trying to calm George down) It's routine surgery.

GEORGE: (To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital?

KRAMER: Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a

JERRY: Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand.

GEORGE: Uh-huh. And how much does the healer charge?

TOR: (To Jerry) Would you not put your foot on that please?

KRAMER: First visit? Thirty-eight bucks.

JERRY: Sorry.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need. That's the answer.

(Tor sits down, and turns tward George) TOR: What month were you born?

(Scene ends) GEORGE: April. [Setting: Healer's apartment] (Jerry and George are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment floor. Kramers fiddling with an acupuncture model)

TOR: You should have been born in August. Your parents would have been well-advised to wait. GEORGE: Really?

GEORGE: So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here? JERRY: Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. I still think you're nuts, though.

TOR: Do you use hot water in the shower? GEORGE: Yes. TOR: Stop using it. GEORGE: ..Okay.

GEORGE: All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm. JERRY: (Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle. GEORGE: Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks? (Tor enters. He hugs Kramer for a long time, then walks over to Jerry and George)

KRAMER: I'm off hot water. TOR: Kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery. GEORGE: Yes, yes I am. TOR: (Blows into George's face) I think we can help you. See, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. And business needs customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery. GEORGE: (Still on the showers) Can I use hot water on my face?

TOR: No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain

(The Doctor and Elaine are almost done with their date. the doctor is speaking seductively to Elaine while holding out her tongue)

sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.

DOCTOR: ..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, in medical terms, the glossa. It's a muscular organ.. Consists of two parts.. the body, and the root.. You see, it's

JERRY: (He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life. GEORGE: (Still on the hot water) What about shaving?

covered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile..

TOR: (To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy. (To George) May I? (Reaches over, and touches George's face)

(The Doctor is still holding her tongue)

GEORGE: I guess so.

(Scene ends)

TOR: (Feeling George's face) You see, you are in disharmony. The throat is the gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion

[Setting: Healer's apartment]

of heat and wind. JERRY: (Again, we hear his thoughts) There's some hot air blowing in here..

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

TOR: (Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now. This will solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark. JERRY: I love crampbark. TOR: Cleavers.

TOR: You know, I lived with the Eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow. GEORGE: (Once again, still on the shower) Could it be lukewarm? JERRY: Too much dairy? You really think I'm eating too much dairy? (Scene ends) [Setting: Doctor's car]

JERRY: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car. TOR: And some couchgrass. JERRY: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly. (Tor hands George the tea. George isn't willing to drink it right away. Jerry looks skeptical, Kramer, on the other hand, is enthusiastic) KRAMER: Go ahead, drink it, George.

JERRY: Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. I have this note I can't read. I was wondering ifTOR: (Takes the note, then laughs when he reads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. "Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back to Jerry)

ASSISTANT: I want that Chuckle! You hear me?! JERRY: (To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle? ASSISTANT: (Angry, to Driver) Pull over! DRIVER: Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You want a piece of me?!

KRAMER: Go ahead, drink it, George. ASSISTANT: Yeah! GEORGE: (Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad..

JERRY: You're gonna fight?

(Scene ends)

GEORGE: Now?! I'm a mutant!

[Setting: Ambulance]

KRAMER: (To Driver) Hey, let me drive.

(George's strapped down on a gurney. His face is purple, and he's screaming. Jerry and Kramer are trying to calm him down. The driver and the assistant in the

ASSISTANT: Come on, man. Pull over!

back are having a huge fight)

(Ambulance comes to a screeching halt. Driver gets out, and the assistant heads for the back door)

GEORGE: (In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man! DRIVER: (To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle, man! ASSISTANT: I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing! DRIVER: I don't even like Chuckles! JERRY: (To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible. GEORGE: My face! My face! Get me to the hospital!

DRIVER: Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man!

JERRY: please.

(Pleading)

Really,

gentlemen,

GEORGE: My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where you going? Are you crazy?! ASSISTANT: I'm gonna kick his ass. KRAMER: (To Assistant) Hey, you have keys? GEORGE: You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency!

(The Assistant leaves. Jerry, Kramer, and George watch the two fight)

DRIVER: I told him I was gonna mess him up.

JERRY: All this for a Chuckle. KRAMER: What's a Chuckle?

KRAMER: Well, can you call him an ambulance?

JERRY: It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors.

DRIVER: I told him I didn't take his Chuckle. I don't eat that gooey crap!

(Scene ends)

KRAMER: hey, watch the road! Watch the road, man!

[Setting: Doctor's car] (He's still holding Elaine's tongue) DOCTOR: You see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces.

DRIVER: (Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man, you want some of what he got?! JERRY AND KRAMER: Watch out! (The Ambulance crashes into something)

ELAINE: Can you let go of my tongue now? (Scene ends) DOCTOR: What? [Setting: Hospital room] ELAINE: Let go of my tongue! DOCTOR: (Lets go) Oh, sorry. ELAINE: Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him) What are you doing? DOCTOR: I was going to kiss you good night. ELAINE: A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech, I don't think so. (Leaves) (Scene ends)

(George is in the bed, watching TV, wearing a neck brace. Jerry enters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. He talks to George, but George can't respond verbally) JERRY: How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's

[Setting: Ambulance] (It's now moving. The driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant is nowhere in sight) JERRY: You just can't leave him out there.

that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went

to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing? (Elaine enters)

JERRY: I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter

ELAINE: Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice

how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. "Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. I never felt better

cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.

in my life." Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know,

(Nurse enters) JERRY: Hey, check the TV. (The TV is showing the same exact movie Jerry was watching at the start of the show) TV VOICE: (Germanic) It's just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha.. JERRY: (Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my note! tha'ts what I thought was so funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that. MAN IN NEIGHBORING BED: Shut up! (George throws the whole carton of ice cream over the separating curtan)

becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, "I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these. Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. and it's gone!" END OF SHOW.

MAN: Aaahhhgggg! (Scene ends) [Setting: Night club]

Opening Monologue: I've been watching women in the department stores. They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes,

you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out 'cause they nedd to know, if some day I'm one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes. % While Jerry and Elaine are sitting on Jerry's couch watching the tube, Elaine is flipping through the channels constantly. Jerry: What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter with that? What about that one?

Jerry: No, I don't wanna see the naked people. Elaine: Been a while? Jerry: I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago. Elaine: I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter. Jerry: I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine) Elaine: What? Jerry: What?

Elaine: Robert Formula?

Vaughn,

The

Helsinki Elaine: What was that look?

Jerry: He was good in Man From Uncle. Jerry: What look? Elaine: Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon? Jerry: I know, I'm having my root canal the same week.

Elaine: The look you just gave me. Jerry: I gave a look? Elaine: Yes.

Elaine: Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people.

Jerry: What kind of look?

Elaine: I know that look. Elaine: Thirty-seven. Jerry: Then what was it? Jerry: Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom) Elaine: Why should I tell you? Elaine: We know the terrain. Jerry: Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are. Jerry: No big surprises. Elaine: Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...

Elaine: Nope.

Jerry: What?

Jerry: What do you think?

Elaine: What about the look?

Elaine: I don't know. What do you think?

Jerry: I don't know.

Jerry: Well, it's something to consider.

Elaine: You got something on your mind?

Elaine: Yeah.

Jerry: No. Things pop into your head. You?

Jerry: I mean, let's say we did.

Elaine: Things occur to me from time to time.

Elaine: What if.

Jerry: Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely.

Jerry: Is that like the end of the world or something? Elaine: Certainly not.

Elaine: No, of course not. Jerry: I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?

Jerry: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?

Elaine: I know. Elaine: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that. Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.

Jerry: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.

Elaine: It's almost stupid if we didn't. Elaine: Huh. Jerry: It's moronic. Jerry: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa. Elaine: Absurd! Elaine: Right. Jerry: Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise. Jerry: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call. Elaine: We, there are always a few. Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.

Elaine: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that. Jerry: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.

Elaine: Devastating. Elaine: All right, sir. Jerry: Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship) Elaine: And that would be good. (Points to bedroom) Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.

Jerry: Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.

Elaine: Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!

Jerry: Not yet.

Jerry: Well now we're gettin' somewhere.

Kramer: No paper?

Elaine: What about the kiss goodnight?

Jerry: I haven't been out yet.

Jerry: Tough one. You're call. Elaine: It's brug-wa (?).

Kramer: Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He exits)

Jerry: Fine. Well.

% George and Jerry at Monk's.

Elaine: Well.

George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?

Jerry: You ready? Elaine: Ready. Jerry: So think you can handle this?

Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'? George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?

Elaine: Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf) Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night. % Jerry's apartment the next day. Kramer enters. George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: I thought you'd like that. Jerry: Hey. George: Oh, this is huge! Kramer: Got the paper?

Jerry: I know.

George: Time?

George: All right, okay. Let's go, details.

Jerry: About eleven.

Jerry: No, I can't do details.

George: Okay, go ahead.

George: You wha?

Jerry: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station.

Jerry: I can't give details. George: No details? Jerry: I'm not in the mood. George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!

George: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station. Jerry: And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex. George: Boy, these are really bad details.

Jerry: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.

Jerry: It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details.

George: Where are you sitting? George: Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me. Jerry: On the couch. George: Next to each other?

Jerry: Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.

Jerry: No, separated.

George: Better than before?

Jerry: She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.

the friendship by advancing all of the relationship pitfalls.

George: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now?

George: Sure, all right. Tell me the rules. Jerry: Okay. No calls the next day.

Jerry: Not exactly. George: Not exactly. What does that mean?

George: (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.

Jerry: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands oiut of his seat)

Jerry: You ready for the second one?

George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. (He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.

Jerry: Spending the night. Optional.

Jerry: I think we've worked out a system. George: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack. Jerry: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain

George: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.

George: No, you see? You got greedy. Jerry: No, that's the rule. It's optional. George: I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere. Jerry: I think you're wrong. George: I hope I am.

% At Elaine's apartment, Jerry opens the fridge and pulls out a piece of cake. Elaine: Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist. Jerry: Is this yours or the roommate's? Jerry: But you said, it can be very serious. Elaine: The roommate's. Elaine: Okay, so fine. Go. Jerry: Would she mind? Elaine: She keeps track of everything. Jerry: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it. Elaine: Thanks. Jerry: Well, guess I'll get going.

Jerry: What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional. Elaine: Yeah, it's my house, it's my option. Jerry: It has nothing to do with whose house it is. Elaine: Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters)

Elaine: Oh. Tina: Hi. Jerry: Well, I have that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home.

Elaine + Jerry: Hi.

Elaine: Fine, go away.

Tina: Hi, Jerry.

Jerry: I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem.

Jerry: Hi.

Elaine: Just go.

Elaine: Oh really?

Jerry: I'm having surgery tomorrow.

Tina: Such a great improv class tonight.

Tina: I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon.

Elaine: Rules. Tina: Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly)

Elaine: Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second?

% Jerry and George are at the store.

Tina: Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away)

George: What about jewelry? That's very nice gift.

Elaine: What are you doing?

Jerry: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.

Jerry: I can't go if you're mad. George: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry. Elaine: I'm not mad. Jerry: You seemed a little mad. Elaine: No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.

Jerry: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half. George: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?

Jerry: So you're okay with everything? Elaine: Definitely. Are you?

Jerry: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.

Jerry: Definitely. Well, goodnight. Elaine: Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing? Jerry: What?

George: What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs. Jerry: I think I heard her say something about a bench.

George: A bench? What kind of a bench?

Jerry: Too romantic.

Jerry: I don't know, but she mentioned a bench.

George: Lingerie? Jerry: Too sexual.

George: What, like at a bus stop? George: Waffle maker. Jerry: I don't know. Jerry: Too domestic. George: Like a park bench? George: Bust of Nelson Rockefeller. Jerry: I have no idea. Jerry: Too Gubernatorial. (?) George: Who puts a bench in their house? George: Let's work on the card. Jerry: Forget the bench. George: I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box?

% Jerry and Elaine sitting on his couch. Elaine holding a present. Jerry: Maybe you won't like it.

Jerry: No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead. Elaine: Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it. George: Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.

Jerry: You could not like it. Elaine: Just the fact that you remembered means everything.

Jerry: Nice looking fellow. George: What about candle holders?

Jerry: Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens)

Elaine: Cash?

Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?

Jerry: Would do you think?

Kramer: Yeah. Open it.

Elaine: You got me cash?

Elaine: Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated)

Jerry: Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good?

Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?

Elaine: Who are you, my uncle?

Jerry: Great.

Jerry: Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.

Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.

Elaine: Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (Kramer enters)

Jerry: Well goody for you.

Kramer: Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (He exits)

Kramer: Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her?

Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal?

Jerry: 182 bucks.

Jerry: I said, "and more."

Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.

Elaine: I am not your pal. Jerry: What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present)

Elaine: (Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend.

Kramer: (To Jerry) Yeats. Elaine: I can't do it. Elaine: Oh Kramer. (They embrace) Jerry: You what? Jerry: Could you excuse us please? Elaine: I can't do that. Kramer: What? Jerry: We're talking.

Jerry: You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. What do you want?

Kramer: Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)

Elaine: This, that, and the other.

Jerry: You know, we never had one fight before this deal.

Jerry: Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?

Elaine: I know.

Elaine: You.

Jerry: Never.

Jerry: (Starts to correct then realizes) Well...

Elaine: Ever.

% Jerry and George at Monk's.

Jerry: We got along beautifully.

George: Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.

Elaine: Like clams. Jerry: It was wonderful.

Jerry: I never should have made up those rules.

Elaine: A pleasure. Jerry: So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends.

George: What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?

Jerry: It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class. George: You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either. Jerry: Why? George: It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.

George: We'd have to kill him. Jerry: We'd get caught, I'd get the chair. George: I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people. Jerry: Plus, you know what else.

Jerry: What did you end up giving her? George: You better call her. George: 91 dollars. % Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters. Jerry: Sorry about that. Kramer: Hey. George: So what're you gonna do? Jerry: Hey. Jerry: Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it. Kramer: You got the paper yet? George: So, maybe this should be it. Jerry: Yeah. Jerry: Could be it. George: She seems like an it. Jerry: She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont...

Kramer: Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done with that? Elaine: No. Kramer: Well, you're not reading it now.

Elaine: All right, you can take it. But I want it back. Kramer: Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?

Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: May 16, 1991 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

Elaine: Ah, this. And that.

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Christine Dunford (as Leslie).

Jerry: And the other.

[Setting: Night club]

Kramer: Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (He exits)

JERRY: Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching.

End. <Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">

You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before

there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story,

what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of

GEORGE: That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life. ELAINE: Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman. GEORGE: What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women? JERRY: Thin ice, George. Thin ice..

here. I'm going to bed." (Scene ends)

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage.

[Setting: Coffee shop]

ELAINE: She stopped performing.

GEORGE: (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.

GEORGE: (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.

JERRY: She's the performance artist, right?

JERRY: (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper. JERRY: What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip? ELAINE: Todd. JERRY: Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy. ELAINE: No, he's not. JERRY: C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.

GEORGE: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her "performances". JERRY: Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity? GEORGE: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt. ELAINE: It was an accident!

ELAINE: By marriage. JERRY: Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm

gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?" JERRY: (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot. GEORGE: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I

GEORGE: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby! ELAINE: (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though. GEORGE: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing. ELAINE: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment.. JERRY: But?

was dirt. ELAINE: My roommate has Lyme disease. JERRY: What ever happened with the shirt? GEORGE: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters. ELAINE: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower. JERRY: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you? ELAINE: anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.

JERRY: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome? ELAINE: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease. JERRY: How did she get Lyme disease? ELAINE: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut. JERRY: They still do that play?

GEORGE: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower. JERRY: Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me. GEORGE: (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker. ELAINE: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's

ELAINE: It's a classic. JERRY: With all the nudity? ELAINE: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in. GEORGE: (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye! JERRY: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.

all so boring.. ELAINE: What do you wanna know?

JERRY: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?

KRAMER: What are you doing this for? Look at you..

ELAINE: Rarely.

JERRY: Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.

JERRY: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?

KRAMER: But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house.

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: (Pleading) Leave me alone.

JERRY: When is this suppose to be?

KRAMER: It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?!

ELAINE: Saturday. JERRY: I'm not getting illegal cable! JERRY: Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they? ELAINE: I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.

KRAMER: Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years. JERRY: No, I read in the paper..

JERRY: 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off the table. GEORGE: Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.

KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper.. JERRY: Well, they might hook us up again. KRAMER: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things..

JERRY: And if you do?

Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!

GEORGE: I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this.

JERRY: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.

(Scene ends)

KRAMER: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?!

[Setting: Jerry's apartment] JERRY: What you're suggesting is illegal. (Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the dials as Kramer looks over his shoulder)

KRAMER: It's not illegal.

JERRY: It's against the law.

They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it..

KRAMER: Well, yeah. JERRY: (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that? KRAMER: (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.

KRAMER: No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year.. JERRY: (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in. KRAMER: You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's

JERRY: A real human rights nut, huh?

gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..

KRAMER: Yeah. He's intense, man.

(Scene ends)

JERRY: I don't know. What if I get caught?

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him.

(Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting for him)

(Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He then returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and his assistant. Tabachnick mumbles,

JERRY: Seinfeld.

shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks confused)

JERRY: My cable hook-up? What about it?

JERRY: You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow. TABACHNICK: Tomarrow okay. KRAMER: No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back. JERRY: (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off.

MAN: Mr. Steinfeld?

MAN: We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up?

MAN: It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld. JERRY: It has? I've been out of town. How did you know? (An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room) KRAMER: Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They were onto the scam from the very beginning.

MAN: You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld. JERRY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian

STEWARDESS: No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing. JERRY: (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again? (The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand)

guy is the guy you want. (Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other FBI men, and speaks without an accent now) TABACHNICK: Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover. (Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for the door) KRAMER: No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his

BILL: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see. (Scene ends) [Setting: Night club] JERRY: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I

hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable boy?..

don't belong here."

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Airplane]

[Setting: George's car]

(Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess approaches)

(George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun)

JERRY: Excuse me. Can I get something to drink? STEWARDESS: I'm afraid not. JERRY: What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now?

GEORGE: Sounds like a rough trip. JERRY: Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed. GEORGE: So, the college cancelled the gig?

JERRY: Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it you picking me up. Thanks again.

JERRY: Well, so what should we do? GEORGE: Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?

GEORGE: (Modestly) Forget it. JERRY: No, really.. an airport run.

(Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar, then reaches over and pulls the sweater down)

GEORGE: It's nothing. JERRY: Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me a favor?" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.

JERRY: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt! GEORGE: (Nervous) What are you talking about? JERRY: You're wearing the chocolate shirt! GEORGE: I coincidence..

am?

What

strange

JERRY: (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. He's always got some ulterior motive.

JERRY: A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning..

GEORGE: (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.

GEORGE: (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there.

JERRY: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower.

JERRY: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?

GEORGE: (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now?

GEORGE: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place. GEORGE: My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place.

shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!" (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: You want to get a bite? GEORGE: Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast.

(Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine)

LESLIE: We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there.

KRAMER: Oh, we have to do this now. (Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)

ELAINE: So, where's Todd? ELAINE: Who's this guy? LESLIE: Up in Hyannisport. KRAMER: Which one? ELAINE: Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?!

ELAINE: Both of the them. KRAMER: Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.

WOMAN: (To Leslie) So, when's your due date?

ELAINE: Okay.. Does Jerry know about this?

LESLIE: March twentieth, nine a.m. WOMAN: You know the time! LESLIE: I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic. ELAINE: Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is he out of the loop? LESLIE: (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears? (Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly. The woman freeze at the sight,

KRAMER: Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah. ELAINE: You can't! You can't do this now! KRAMER: Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.. He won't like that. ELAINE: Alright. Just do it fast and then get out. KRAMER: (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime.

then disperse nervously)

(Scene ends)

ELAINE: (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing here?

[Setting: George's car]

KRAMER: We're putting in cable.

JERRY: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her?

ELAINE: The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't do this now!

GEORGE: (Boiling) What am I going to say?!

JERRY: Yeah. GEORGE: What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What,

they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple? (Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start fighting)

you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be

ELAINE: Kramer!

ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have

(Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick bangs on the door, and

the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like

shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter. Elaine runs up to greet them)

you!

ELAINE: What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend.

JERRY: You'll never say that to her face. GEORGE: Watch me.

KRAMER: (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me..

JERRY: The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard.

(Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything.

KRAMER: (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything.

(Leslie approaches them)

ELAINE: (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! He's eating all the food! KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, in Russian, the cable guy,

LESLIE: Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town. JERRY: Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason. ELAINE: (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even think about it! Don't even dream about it!

GEORGE: (Unconvincingly coy) About what? TABACHNICK: (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer.. (Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as Tabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready for Leslie - he takes off his sweater, revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie)

JERRY: I'm sorry, I.. MARY: (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows. JERRY: (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember.. MARY: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day. JERRY: Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your..

GEORGE: Leslie. LESLIE: Yeah? GEORGE: George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza. LESLIE: Hi. GEORGE: (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember? LESLIE: Vaguely. GEORGE: You took me to one of your shows..

MARY: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?! JERRY: No, I don't think that.. MARRY: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!

LESLIE: And? GEORGE: And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents felt I had talent..

(She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death)

(Scene cuts to Jerry)

GEORGE: Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something..

MARY: Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks confused) Remember me?

(Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate cake is now all over George's shirt)

LESLIE: Thanks a lot! (Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a few women who are rushing out the door)

Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you were in college"? LESLIE: (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go!

ELAINE: I'm sorry you have to go. WOMAN: Yeah. I really have to be going.

(George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts - embarrassed)

(Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys)

GEORGE: (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves)

JERRY: Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable.

JERRY: (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?!

KRAMER: Don't be a fool.

(Scene ends)

TABACHNICK: You don't want?

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble..

(Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped on chairs)

TABACHNICK: (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars.

GEORGE: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony?

JERRY: (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars? 1 You told me one-fifty! (Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and is ready to leave) LESLIE: I'm going.. obviously. ELAINE: Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. You know, I had no idea.. LESLIE: Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized something. You're just like you were in college.

ELAINE: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop. JERRY: Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally? KRAMER: (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves) (Scene ends) [Setting: Night club]

ELAINE: (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves.

JERRY: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this

person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say?

The Chinese Restaurant Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

[Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Take off now." Episode no. 16 END OF SHOW. pc: 206, season 2, episode 6 Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site

Broadcast date: 23 May 1991 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. Costanza

George

Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com

Guest Stars: James Hong....................... Bruce David Tress...................... Mr. Cohen

Judy Kain........................ Lorraine

that.

Kate Benton...................... Woman on Phone

George: Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's

Michael Mitz..................... Man on Phone Kendall McCarthy................. Man

much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------(opening monologue; first sentence kinda blurry) Jerry: (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them

Jerry: I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping. Elaine: You should run for mayor. Jerry: Ehh, nobody listens.

right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you

Elaine: Where is someone? I'm starving. George: I think this is him right here. Elaine: Is there a table ready?

know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear

Restaurant Manager (Bruce): How many? Elaine (to Jerry): How many? Jerry (to George): Is Tatiana coming?

that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?" (Jerry, Elaine & George enter the Chinese restaurant) Elaine: No, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as

George: I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.

Jerry: Really? I thought things were going OK.

only, the big screen. My hands are tied!

George: They were, it's kinda complicated.

George (to Jerry): You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just

Jerry: Well what is it?

chit-chat.

Elaine: How many?

Elaine: Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away.

Jerry: Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld. Bruce: Four. It'll be five, ten minutes. George: What do you wanna do? Elaine: Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry. Jerry: We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we

Jerry: Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table. George: He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look. Elaine: Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it? Jerry: Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house.

wanna make it to the movie. George: I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone? Jerry (to Elaine): Tatiana... (George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it)

Elaine: Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things. George: I just can't believe at the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in? (Jerry stares at someone)

George: Excuse me, are you gonna be very long?

Elaine: What?

(guy on phone just turns the other way without answering)

Jerry: There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair,

Bruce: Lashbrook(sp?), 4!

striped shirt?

Jerry: So did I do a terrible thing?

Elaine: I've never seen her before.

Elaine: You mean lying to your uncle?

Jerry: I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy.

Jerry: I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night

(a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine)

Man: Oh, Excuse me.

They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make

Elaine: I'm sorry.

you sick.

(the group just walks right into the dining room)

Jerry: Boy, you are really hungry. George (whistles to guy on phone): Hey!

Elaine: Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table. Jerry: Well maybe they were here from before.

(guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed, goes over to Jerry) George: If anything happens here, can I count on you?

Elaine: No no no, they weren't here before. Jerry: What? George (to guy): Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I have to make a

George: If we decide to go at it.

very important call.

Jerry: Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble...

(guy on phone turns away again)

George: I have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little outfit.

Elaine: Find out what's going on! Jerry: Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of

It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. I really hate this guy.

them. Elaine: I'm gonna faint... Elaine: Yeah. Bruce: What's your name?

Jerry: George, who is that woman in the stripes?

Jerry: Seinfeld.

George: I don't know her.

(Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese)

Jerry: She looks so familiar.

Bruce: No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), 2! Elaine: Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table?

Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.

Jerry: I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.

Elaine (through her teeth): I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are

Elaine: What do you mean?

standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of

Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks. George: What are they gonna do?

your eggrolls. (the people at the table are confused) Elaine (through teeth): I'll give you 25 if you let me do it. People at table: What? What is she talking about? What did she say?

Jerry: They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell

(Elaine runs from the table, laughing)

for the rest of their lives.

Jerry: What happened?

Elaine: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?

Elaine: Did you see that?

Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.

George: What were you doing?

Elaine: OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and

Elaine (laughing): I offered them 25, they had no idea... Jerry: George, the phone's free.

find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...

George: Alleluia. (as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts dialing)

Jerry: No, no tricks. George: Excuse me, I was waiting here. Elaine: Should I do it, George? Woman at phone: Where? I didn't see you. George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow. Elaine: Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it. (Elaine goes over to the table, smiling)

George: I've been standing here for the last ten minutes! Woman: Well I won't be long. George: That's not the point. The point is I was here first.

Woman: Well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone. George (yelling at her): You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed

right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and

to act in a civilized way. (he goes over to Jerry and Elaine)

it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this

George: Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity

impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great

over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no!

lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as

(guy on phone approaches George)

this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily...

Guy: Hey, sorry I took so long. George: Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it. Elaine: How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around,

extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...

see what dishes look good. Jerry: This could only happen to you. Jerry: I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that?

George: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the

George: Yeah, well, he probably bought it. Jerry: So what happened with Tatiana?

wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".

George: I shouldn't even tell you this.

Jerry: You said this to her after.

Jerry: Come on...

George: No. During.

George: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.

Jerry: Oh, boy. George: Yeah.

Jerry: I'm with you. Jerry: Wow! So...? George: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like

George: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this

George: She's off. (goes over to the now available public phone)

unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman,

Elaine: Jerry, talk to that guy again. Jerry: What am I gonna say?

and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's (gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.

Elaine: Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late. (as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in) Mr. Cohen: Hey, what stinks in here? Bruce (laughing): Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple of weeks. Mr. Cohen: Well, I've been looking for a better place. (Bruce laughs)

(Elaine comes over) Bruce: Better place... Want a table? Elaine: I hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never coming back

Mr. Cohen: No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here.

here again. Jerry (still trying to remember): Who is that woman?!

Bruce (laughing): Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, I give you a table.

Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.

Jerry: Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy, he just came in. Bruce: Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here. Elaine: He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean? Bruce: Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue.

Elaine: Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?!

Elaine: Hi, I'm Elaine.

George: She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those

Lorraine (shaking her hand): Lorraine. Catalano.

people wouldn't get off the phone.

Jerry: I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine...

Jerry: Didja leave a message?

(They all laugh, then silent)

George: Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the

Lorraine: Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry. And nice meeting you. (she

phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell him I'm

leaves)

expecting a call. Elaine: Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman...

Elaine (smug): Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine! Jerry: Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in

Jerry: Where do I know her? big, big trouble. (woman in stripes approaches Jerry) Lorraine: Hello, Jerry! Jerry: Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?

Elaine: The one you broke the plans with tonight? Jerry: Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and

Lorraine: How is everything? Jerry: Good, good, good... What's goin' on? Lorraine: Oh, working hard. And you? Jerry: Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever. Lorraine: You haven't been around in a while.

tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt

Jerry: I know, I know... Well, you know. to my mother, my mother to my uncle... Lorraine: You should come by. Jerry: Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that.

Jerry: ...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me.

Elaine: You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in

Jerry: I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it?

over with. It's just a movie. Jerry: Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst

George: Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I get flustered. Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got arrested. Elaine: I guess it's you, Jer.

movie ever made! Jerry: Me? What about you? (Elaine nods) Elaine: Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing. Jerry: Hey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a

Jerry: The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world

table immediately. of bribery, can they? Elaine: Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money. Jerry: In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money? Elaine: Do they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go out with a guy

Elaine: Give me the money. (Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention) Elaine: How's it going'? Bruce: Very busy. (Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce)

who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.

Elaine: Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.

George: 20 bucks? Isn't that excessive? Bruce: Very good specials tonight. Elaine: Well what do you want to give him, change?

(Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book)

George: It's more than the meal! Jerry: Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways.

Elaine: If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it.

George: Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much!

Bruce: What is your name? (he turns the page over the money)

Jerry: No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair?

Elaine: No no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page)

(Elaine waves at him, smiling)

Bruce: Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh.

Bruce: Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your girlfriend?

Elaine (Gives him the money): Here, take this. I'm starving. Take it! Take

Jerry: Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant

it!

here.

(Bruce shrugs and takes it)

Bruce: Relationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together-

Bruce: Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) Your table is ready. Elaine: No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table.

Jerry: Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be? Bruce: Oh. In about five, ten minutes. (Jerry goes over to Elaine and George) George: So?

Jerry: You lost the 20. Elaine: Well, how could he do that?

Jerry: There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.

George: You didn't make it clear.

Elaine: So when are we gonna eat?

Elaine: Make it clear?

Jerry: Five, ten minutes.

Jerry: What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back.

George: We should have left earlier. I told you.

(goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely embarrassing, my

Jerry: I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.

friend here apparently made a mistake.

Elaine: Oh, well I have to eat.

Bruce: Your name?

Jerry: Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab.

Jerry: Seinfeld. Bruce: Yeah, Seinfeld 4!

Elaine: Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?

Jerry: We'll eat it in the movie.

George: Well, was it for Costanza or...

Elaine: Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big

Bruce: Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered. George: Well was it a woman?

picnic tables there? Jerry: Well what do you suggest?

Bruce: Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up.

Elaine: I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down.

(George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned)

Jerry: I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction,

George: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.

let's just eat popcorn or something.

Jerry: Who's Cartwright?

Bruce (holding a phone): Cartwright?

George: I'm Cartwright!

Elaine: I can't have popcorn for dinner!

Jerry: You're not Cartwri-

Bruce: Cartwright?

George: Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the

Elaine (tries to snatch food off a waiter's tray): I have to eat!

movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.

Jerry: So they have hotdogs there. Elaine: Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor.

Elaine: Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'. Jerry: So You're not going?

George: I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me just check.

Elaine: You don't need us. Jerry: Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic

(goes over to Bruce) George: Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?

remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's. George: Should we tell him we're leaving?

Bruce: Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like

Elaine: What for? Let's just get out of here.

that. Nobody came up, I hang up.

(they all leave)

Bruce: Seinfeld, 4? (closing monologue) Jerry: Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know, I mean, I

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would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!" (credits roll; THE END) Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site

Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: June 26, 1991 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Doug Ballard (as Eddie), and David LaBiosa (as Antonio).

[Setting: Night club] JERRY: I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a

hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little

ELAINE: (Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (Turns

book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating

back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.

from the restaurant? What is this about?

JERRY: (To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute.

(George has started eating Elaine's food and continues to do so)

(Scene ends) [Setting: A restaurant]

GEORGE: That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.

(Jerry, George, and Elaine are all eating at an Italian restaurant. George hasn't eaten anything)

JERRY: I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.

ELAINE: Do you want some of mine?

GEORGE: Who?

JERRY: Take some of mine.

JERRY: Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's picking him up at the airport tonight.

GEORGE: Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it, like I have to like it.

GEORGE: A guy? ELAINE: (Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.

JERRY: Who said you have to like it? JERRY: He's from a.. Yakima, right? GEORGE: Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto.

ELAINE: Seattle. JERRY: Everybody's moving to Seattle.

JERRY: I don't like pesto. GEORGE: It's the pesto of cities. So..? GEORGE: Where was pesto 10 years ago? ELAINE: (To Jerry) You tell him. JERRY: (Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age

JERRY: Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman. ELAINE: Ed.

wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs. JERRY: Who was in town on a business venture, and um..

ELAINE: ..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on.

GEORGE: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager and busboy are arguing. The

JERRY: So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily.

busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?!

ELAINE: On some people.

ELAINE: I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.

GEORGE: Oooh. JERRY: So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week. ELAINE: It was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week. (The menu at a neighboring table catches fire. Elaine quickly picks up a wine glass about to put it out, but George tosses the menu on the floor, and stomps it out.

JERRY: (Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) I didn't say anything. (The busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the restaurant) GEORGE: I can't believe it. He's going! He's fired! ELAINE: Oh, I said it in a kidding way. GEORGE: I didn't know he'd get fired.

The manager approaches) MANAGER: What happened? GEORGE: Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle. MANAGER: Sorry to the disturbance. ELAINE: (Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again.

JERRY: (Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this. GEORGE: What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! Did you see him point?! JERRY: (Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate twards 'em.

(Manager leaves) GEORGE: Was it my fault? JERRY: (Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.

ELAINE: Was it my fault? JERRY: (Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that pesto. (Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment] JERRY: Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews. GEORGE: (Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys. JERRY: Oh, like you do. GEORGE: Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.

ELAINE: I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am one clever chickadee. GEORGE: What? Did you get the busboy's number? ELAINE: His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands George a card) Now, I did my job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please? (Jerry hands the car keys to Elaine) GEORGE: How did you get all this?

JERRY: (Scoffing) Camp. GEORGE: It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry talks through it)

ELAINE: Does the word "charm" mean anything to you? JERRY: No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his apartment? I really think this is nuts.

JERRY: Elaine? ELAINE: (Through intercom) Yeah. (Jerry pushes a button on the intercom letting her in) JERRY: Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs. GEORGE: Then why don't you try and get him another job? JERRY: I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins. (Elaine enters)

GEORGE: (Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble. JERRY: You, you're going now? GEORGE: Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something. JERRY: Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going? ELAINE: I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport. JERRY: I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set? GEORGE: It'll take to long.

(Kramer enters) JERRY: Take the K-man. A little support..

just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen. KRAMER: (Patting George on the shoulder) He's a hell of a guy.

GEORGE: (Unsure) I don't a.. GEORGE: This is a guy I know.. Kramer. KRAMER: Take me where? Where? (Scene ends)

(Antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously)

[Setting: An apartment building hallway]

KRAMER: Habla espanol?

(George's nervous - standing with Kramer infront of the busboy's apartment)

GEORGE: (To himself) Oh my God. ANTONIO: Si.

GEORGE: Look, I really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much.

KRAMER: Como se dice.. waterbed?

GEORGE: I don't know.

GEORGE: (Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that.

KRAMER: Well, I'm not an idiot.

(Pause) Well, I guess that's about it.

GEORGE: Certainly not.

KRAMER: You got anything to drink? Agua?

KRAMER: What am I gonna say?

KRAMER: Then we're cool. GEORGE: Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. The busboy answers) Uh, I'm sorry to bother

GEORGE: Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink) We really should get going. KRAMER: Let me get a glass of water. (Heads tward the sink)

you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He gestures for them to come in. They obey)

GEORGE: Hurry up.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I

KRAMER: His cat's gone.

ANTONIO: (Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita? Pequita? (Starts to panic)

ANTONIO: (Notes the door was left wide open) La puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming) La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and George) Who left the door

open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head out the door to look)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment] JERRY: (On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you.

(Scene ends) (Kramer enters) [Setting: Antonio's apartment] KRAMER: Hey. (All three sit in silence) KRAMER: ..You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later.. you never know. They got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you gotta worry about. GEORGE: (Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything. The job, the cat.. (A

JERRY: (To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine. (Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again. KRAMER: It's been a week. It's up to the cat now. JERRY: (Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on your conscience.

lamp breaks) the lamp. KRAMER: Oh? How do you figure? KRAMER: The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the two broken pieces together) Yeah. GEORGE: (Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card. I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him, angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for a handshake. Antonio doesn't move) KRAMER: You oughta get that wire fixed. (They go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor) (Scene ends)

JERRY: (Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left the door open. KRAMER: Why was I in charge of closing the door? JERRY: (Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after him! KRAMER: So!

JERRY: (Into phone) So! (To Kramer getting even more angry) So, the last person in should close the door!

done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts! JERRY: So, you two been, uh..

KRAMER: Let me talk to him. JERRY: (To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up) ELAINE: Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys? (Jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom) JERRY: No hello? ELAINE: Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems?

ELAIEN: No! I told him I've been having my period for the last five days! I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours to go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything. I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather.. JERRY: What's your airport route? ELAINE: I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel. JERRY: ..What about the Van Wyck? ELAINE: I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut.

JERRY: Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car. JERRY: Oooh. ELAINE: Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my

ELAINE: Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15. We're getting up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right?

life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.

JERRY: You still using that old alarm clock?

JERRY: (Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together?

ELAIEN: Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today. It's got everything - it's got everything... If you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in

ELAINE: I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that ping?

the face. JERRY: There's no ping. Why are you so wacky? ELAINE: Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and he hasn't even

(Scene ends) [Setting: Night club]

JERRY: Flying doesn't make me nervous driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it,

ED: (Going back to sleep) We'll never make it. I'll leave tomarrow. ELAINE: Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now! Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) You get dressed! Get dressed!

that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon,

ED: Can I shower?

you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a

ED: I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all day.

second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."

ELAINE: Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?!

ELAINE: Forget the shower! The shower's out. Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. He walks tward the door) Where are you going? ED: The kitchen. ELAINE: The kitchen?!

(Scene ends) ED: I've got a bag of cashews in there. [Setting: Elaine's apartment] (Elaine and Ed are in bed. Elaine awakes to find out that it's 9:15 - they overslept. She gets frantic) ELAINE: (Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's 9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's 9:15!

ELAINE: They're not making it! Let's get your pants on! ED: What's the big deal if we don't make it? I'll just go tomarrow or the next day. ELAINE: No! You have your ticket! You have to go now! ED: I'll never make it.

ED: 9:15? ELAINE: Don't say that! ELAINE: Yes! 9:15!

ED: But it takes forty-five minutes to get there. That'll only leave me five minutes to get to the plane.

ELAINE: Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! People walked around for thousands of years without them! (Puts her coat on over

ELAINE: Shut up and pack! ED: And what if I don't make the plane? You'll have already left. Then what will I do?

her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go! (Scene ends)

ELAINE: You're talking too much! [Setting: Jerry's apartment] ED: Where's my sweater? JERRY: Anywhere in the city? ELAINE: What?! ED: My brown sweater.

GEORGE: Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet.

ELAINE: What? What sweater?

JERRY: Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?

ED: My brown sweater. ELAINE: You didn't bring a brown sweater.

GEORGE: Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name she'll give you the key.

ED: I brought a brown sweater.

JERRY: Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.

ELAINE: Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?! (Recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got a brown sweater!

GEORGE: (Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities.

ED: That's not mine. I can't take your sweater. ELAINE: It's brown! (Takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase) ED: What are you doing?! ELAINE: NO time for folding.. (Looks around) I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase) ED: My shoes. You packed my shoes.

(Elaine enters. She's still wearing her nightclothes under her coat. Her hair is messed up. She's been through quite an ordeal) ELAINE: (Slow, as if remember a dream) I never new I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws

of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-carpile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs. (Kramer enters) KRAMER: ..The busboy's coming! The busboy's coming! GEORGE: The busboy's coming? JERRY: You don't mean here? KRAMER: Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up.. GEORGE: He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out later.

KRAMER: Antonio. In here! (Antonio enters) GEORGE: (Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio. How's it going? (Antonio crosses over to George, and gives him a hug) ANTONIO: Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. If I am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him again) GEORGE: (Trying to be modest) Ah, come on.. (The intercom buzzes) ELAINE: (Into the intercom) Yeah? ED: It's Eddie.

JERRY: Where are you going? GEORGE: I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score. JERRY: (Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game. KRAMER: No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it. GEORGE: Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. I.. (There's a knock in the hallway)

ELAINE: He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's coming up.. ANTONIO: And that very same night of the accident, while looking for Pequita, I found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well, but now, I must go, for today I am starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank you, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves)

(Everyone ad-libs congratulations to George. Then, we hear a fight erupting from the hallway)

ELAINE: Till when - till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself? GEORGE: (Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess it's not important.

ED: Hey, watch were you're going. You almost knocked my head off!

ELAINE: Take care of yourselves. (Leaves)

ANTONIO: Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? 'Cause you bumped into me!

GEORGE: I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy.

ED: Who do you think you're talking to, pal?

JERRY: Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) How ya doing?

ANTONIO: Hey, get your hands off me! (Scene ends) ED: Go to hell! [Setting: Night club] (Antonio screams out profanity in Spanish, then we hear them getting into a serious fight) (Scene ends) [Setting: Coffee shop] JERRY: He'll get another job. He's a busboy! GEORGE: It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast comes off. JERRY: It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it.

JERRY: First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we have boxing either. It's really kind of an amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!" ..Then you'd see a real fight. END OF SHOW.

GEORGE: That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee. ELAINE: Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter hands Elaine two bags of food to go) ..Thanks. GEORGE: So, much longer?

Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com Season 3 (1991-1992) The Note Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. He's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher."? And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs." First scene. Jerry is getting a massage.

Julianna: ...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want.

Guest Stars:

Julianna: Excuse me?

Ralph Bruneau.................... Lloyd Terri Hanauer.................... Julianna Jeff Lester...................... Raymond Flo Di Re........................ Receptionist Liz Georges...................... Pam Paul Rogers...................... Man in Waiting Room Dale Raoul....................... Dental Patient Joshua Liebling.................. Billy

Jerry: You know, if you were blind what do you think the worst part of it would be?

Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these

Julianna: Well that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater.

Jerry: What do you think the worst part of being blind is?

Julianna: I don't know. Jerry: I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.

Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?

Julianna: No. Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.

Jerry: Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored. George: Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's nothing to eat in here.

Julianna: Oh. Elaine: Oh! I forgot to tell you-Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people.

Jerry: I'm in the middle of a story. Elaine: Okay, go ahead. George: Why don't you ever go shopping?

Julianna (visibly uncomfortable): Have you seen any good movies? Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day? Julianna: We have a woman. Why? Jerry: No no. I'm just saying.

Jerry: Not like it's a really funny story or anything. Elaine: What happened? Jerry: Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and the for some reason I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.

Julianna: She had references. Elaine: Oh, wasn't that terrible? Jerry: I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge them. You know I think this is really helping. Julianna: I don't live near here, ya know!

Jerry: Yes, it was. George: Not even an apple. Elaine: She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid. Jerry: I know it was stupid.

New scene. Jerry, Elaine and George are at Jerry's apartment.

Elaine: Really stupid. Jerry: Hey, I just said it was stupid.

Jerry: So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.

George: What about this leftover Chinese food?

Elaine: I don't like to talk during a massage. Jerry: Take it.

Elaine: I can't believe you said that. Jerry: Hey, would you stop it already?

Jerry: I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off.

Elaine: So, what did she say? George: And you don't have to pay. Jerry: I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid. George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger. Elaine: I have a good masseuse you could go to. Jerry: Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance. George: Physical therapy is covered by insurance?

New scene. George and Elaine are at the physical therapist's office. George: We appointments.

have

three-o'clock

Receptionist: George and Elaine, right? Could you fill these out for me please? And Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna, and George, you'll be with Raymond. George: Excuse 'Raymond'?

me,

did

you

say

Receptionist: Yes. George: But, uh, Raymond is a man.

Jerry: Yeah. Receptionist: That's right. George: You don't have to pay for the massage?

George sits down slowly, letting this sink in.

Jerry: Not if you have a doctor's note.

George: I can't get a massage from a man.

Elaine: So where do you get this note?

Elaine: Why not?

Jerry: Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.

George: What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.

George: Right, your friend Roy.

George: What's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.

Elaine: What's the name of this physical therapist?

Elaine: No, I don't want the man either.

Elaine: He'd just be touching your back. George: He'd just be touching your back too.

George is on the table getting a massage from Raymond. George appears extremely uncomfortable.

Elaine: No, it could get sexual.

Raymond: ...And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office.

George: I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.

George: Really. Raymond: I used to be a flight attendant.

Elaine: I wouldn't be comfortable. George: Oh boy. George: I would? happens?

What if something

Elaine: What could happen? George: What if it felt good?

Raymond: Ya know, why don't you open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier that way.

Elaine: It's supposed to feel good.

George loosens his pants, Raymond grabs them and yanks then down his hips then starts massaging his lower back.

George: I don't want it to feel good.

Raymond: So what do you do?

Elaine: Then why get the massage?

George: What?

George: Exactly!

Raymond: I said, 'What do you do?'.

A man walks up dressed in white.

George: I don't know.

Raymond: George?

Raymond: You don't know what you do?

George: Yes?

George: Nah.

Raymond: I'm Raymond.

Raymond: Oh, come on. Hey, you're very tense.

George: Hello. George: Coffee. Too much coffee. Raymond: Are you ready? George gets up cautiously and walks with Raymond.

Raymond: Okay, just take off those pants now, I'll work the hamstring. George: Oh, the hamstring's fine.

New scene.

Raymond: But you wrote that it was tender.

George: I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote. Raymond: I'll check it out.

Elaine is in the waiting room, George walks out very slowly, he appears positively shell-shocked.

George: Are you sure?

Elaine: How'd it go? George?

Raymond: Yeah, take 'em off.

George walks right out the door, ignoring Elaine.

George gets up to remove his pants, he looks over and sees Raymond rubbing his hands with oil. Nervous, George pulls his pants down and climbs back on the table. As soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes rigid with discomfort.

New scene. Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.

Raymond: How did you hurt this?

Jerry: No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.

George: I don't know.

George enters acting nervous.

Raymond: You don't know?

Jerry: What's with you?

George: No.

George: A...

Raymond: But you just told me--

Jerry: Yes, A...?

George: Korea.

George: A man gave me...

Raymond: You hurt it in Korea?

Jerry: Yes, a man gave you...?

George: What?

George: A man gave me... a massage.

Raymond: The hamstring.

Jerry: So?

George: Korea.

George: So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...

Raymond: How? Jerry: He was what?! George: Hamstring. George: He was... touching and rubbing. Raymond: How did you hurt the hamstring? Jerry: That's a massage. George: Hotel. George: And then I took my pants off. New scene.

Jerry: You took your pants off?

Kramer: Hey. George: For my hamstring.

Jerry: Hey.

Jerry: Oh.

Kramer: I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut.

George: He got about two inches from... there.

Jerry: Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts? Jerry: Really? Kramer: Yeah. Joe DiMaggio. George: I think it moved. Jerry: Moved?

Jerry: I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.

George: It may have moved, I don't know. Jerry: I'm sure it didn't move. George: It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it. Jerry: Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side. George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.

Kramer: Donuts.

Well maybe he likes Dinky

George: I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch. Jerry: I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts. Kramer: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?

Jerry: Okay, so what if it moved? George: That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move. Jerry: That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact. George: You think it's contact? It has to be touched? Jerry: That's what a gym teacher once told me.

Jerry: He can have a donut, but not at Dinky. George: I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man. Kramer: Look I'm telling-- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio. George: The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.

Kramer enters. Jerry: I never said I'd do that.

George: What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that.

Roy: Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George looking at a poster on the wall) Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he?

Jerry: I don't know how I feel about it. George: How would I know? George: Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?

Roy: Do you like him?

Jerry: Alright, alright.

George: What do you mean, like him?

Kramer: A stall man, huh?

Roy: Do you like him?

New scene. George and Jerry are in Roy's office.

George: I mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him. Roy: How come you don't like him?

Jerry: ...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine. George: He didn't say he can't.

George: Why should I? Jerry: What is the matter with you? George: Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different?

Jerry: I mean, if you feel funny about it at all.

Roy: So, you want the notes?

George: He doesn't feel funny.

Jerry: You don't have to, really.

Jerry: If he does.

Roy: Nah nah, it's ok.

George: Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.

Jerry: We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?

Jerry: He feels funny. You don't have to do this. George: He knows that! Jerry: Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship? George: Oh, can you be any more dramatic?

New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. Jerry: Well what about the week after? No appointments at all? (Jerry tries to sit down on the couch, but Elaine is too close to the end and he has to

squeeze in between her and the arm to sit down) Can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you? Elaine: What? Jerry: Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there. Elaine: Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first. Kramer enters. Kramer: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.

look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits. Elaine: So then what? Kramer: Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out. Elaine: name?

Why didn't you just call out his

George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee.

Jerry: Uh huh. Jerry: What happened to you? Elaine: Joe DiMaggio? Kramer: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks. Elaine: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut? Kramer: That's right. Jerry: See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker. Kramer: Oh, he's a dunker. Elaine: Why couldn't he be a dunker? Kramer: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, you know, to uh,

George: Mary.

One of those kids called me a

Elaine: A what? George: I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell. Kramer: Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive. Elaine: Hey, George? What is this? (Elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) What is that? No really, what is that?

George heads for the bathroom, the phone rings, Kramer answers it, Jerry grabs it from him.

Jerry: Of course I was getting you a note. Elaine: But you didn't say anything.

Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god, how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud. Kramer (singing): ...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe...

Jerry: Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors. Kramer: How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yeah. Kramer leaves.

Jerry: I told you. George: Told me what?

New scene. Jerry and George are at Roy's office.

Jerry: I told you we shouldn't do it. Jerry: Hi Pam. George: He didn't say anything. Pam: Hello. Jerry: He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes.

George: Hello. Jerry: I just thought maybe I could talk to Roy.

Elaine: Three notes?

Roy walks in.

Jerry: Yeah, you, me and George.

Roy: Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi.

Elaine: You got me a note? Jerry: Hi Roy. Jerry: Yeah. George: How ya doing? Elaine: But I got my own note. Jerry: You what?

Roy: Come on back, I have a patient but she's under.

Elaine: I got a note from my gynecologist. Jerry: Why'd you do that? Elaine: I didn't know you were getting me a note.

New scene. Roy, Jerry and George are talking over a woman sleeping in a dental chair. Jerry: I don't even know what to say.

George: Me neither. Jerry: I knew this would happen.

George: I've just met her but I'm very impressed. Roy: I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before.

George: Me too. Jerry: I mean the whole thing, it's just... George: Tragic. Jerry: Well it's not tragic. George: No?

Jerry: What's the next move, what's gonna happen now? Roy: Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story. Jerry: Why?

What?

The physical therapist?

Jerry: No, it's... George: Unsettling? Jerry: Okay. I mean, what if the--

Roy: She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem. The woman in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George.

Pam walks in and interrupts. George: How ya doing? Pam: I hope you're both happy. Jerry: I'm not happy.

New scene. Jerry and George are at Julianna's office.

George: Me neither. I've never been happy. Jerry: I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now.

Jerry: Hi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.

George: In college, maybe. Those were fun times.

Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not it.

Jerry: Yeah, college was fun.

Jerry: Yeah, I know she's mad at me but I really have to speak with her.

Pam walks in again and interjects. Receptionist: I told you, she's not here. Pam: You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that?

Jerry: You don't understand.

Roy: Don't mind her.

receptionist: Look, you have to leave.

Jerry: Oh please, I love her.

Jerry: Wait a second, don't you-- (Julianna walks up with her child) Hi. Hi.

Look, I don't know what you-Julianna: Please!

George: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"

Jerry: --but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance--

Elaine: What do they do?

Julianna: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!

George: They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!"

Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?

Jerry spots Kramer through the window.

Julianna (releasing her child): Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door! (to the receptionist) Call the police!

Jerry: Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention) Maybe it's time you got as different hobby.

Julianna then runs down the hall.

Kramer enters and sits at the booth.

Jerry: The police?

Kramer: I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.

Raymond the masseuse walks up. Raymond: Hi George.

The three all put down their coffee cups simultaneously.

George: Hello.

Jerry: Did he say anything?

Jerry (to George): Raymond?

Kramer: No no, he's fine.

New scene. Elaine, Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. Elaine: Well, I mean it's only six months probation, it's a slap on the wrist.

Jerry (noticing something across the coffee shop): Oh my god, it's... George (looking over): Joe DiMaggio. Kramer: Where? Jerry: Having a cup of coffee.

Jerry: Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming. George: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle. Elaine: Of what? Oh.

Elaine: He's dunking! Jerry: Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper. Here. George: You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at George) Oh please.

Kramer: Wait, wait. *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* See? I told you.

Tina - Siobhan Fallon Stand Up Routine ================

Closing monologue. What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'" The Truth Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too that's the other thing ...

Monks =====

Written by: Elaine Pope Directed by: David Steinberg Jerry - Jerry Seinfeld Kramer - Michael Richards

PATRICE: Everyone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats

George - Jason Alexander Elaine - Julia Louis-Dryfus

GEORGE:I don't understand. Paper Machay hats?

Patrice - Valerie Mahaffey

PATRICE: uh uh

GEORGE:What if it rains? FD: They're art. You hang them on the wall.

barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa.

GEORGE:Oh, art!

KRAMER: It was supposed to erupt.

PATRICE: It's my creative outlet. One of my passions.

JERRY: I find the whole thing very embarrassing.

GEORGE:Any money in it?

KRAMER: You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes.

PATRICE: Who so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos

JERRY: Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income.

GEORGE:Of course, right.

PATRICE: Thomas Carlisle, 1864.

ELAINE: Hi,

GEORGE:Tommy C.

JERRY: Hi ELAINE: Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my

Jerry's Apartment =================

apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the

JERRY: These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86.

strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.

Kramer: I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited

JERRY: I don't blame you. I blame myself.

JERRY: Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny.

ELAINE: What's so funny

KRAMER: No, blame me. ELAINE: Uh, it's a riot Alice. JERRY: OK, I blame you. KRAMER: When do you pit the sauce on? KRAMER: Don't blame me. ELAINE: Any other time. JERRY: What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come

KRAMER: I like to strain the sauce.

ELAINE: And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions

JERRY: Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long.

in the living room

ELAINE: Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma.

KRAMER: Yeah, Tina likes the couch. JERRY: No, that's Krama. ELAINE: What are you doing? What is all this? JERRY: Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited.

ELAINE: So, waddya' going to do? JERRY: It's all taken care of. ELAINE: How is that?

ELAINE: O, your being auditted? What for? KRAMER: <chuckles> JERRY: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring.

JERRY: An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly

ELAINE: When was this? JERRY: Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. ELAINE: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date. JERRY: Volcano? Really? ELAINE: Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...

placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise. ELAINE: Why is she doing this? JERRY: I don't know. It must be love.

JERRY: Something to drink? Monks ELAINE: What did you think, that would impress me? JERRY: You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans ELAINE: Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?

===== GEORGE: I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems. PATRICE: What did I do?

GEORGE: Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love. PATRICE: You hate my earrings don't you? GEORGE: No, no, PATRICE: And you didn't comment on the chop sticks.

PATRICE: No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest. GEORGE: Can I uh, can I walk you back to work? PATRICE: I prefer to go alone. How much do I owe? GEORGE: Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f...

GEORGE: I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice.

Jerry's Apartment

PATRICE: You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something.

JERRY: ... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help

GEORGE: I have a fear of intimacy

me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him

==================

PATRICE: Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong?

with my bare hands

GEORGE: Nothing. It's not YOU..

ELAINE: I don't blame ya'

PATRICE: I want the truth.

JERRY: Have you ever been through an audit?

GEORGE: The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is

ELAINE: No. JERRY: It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ... <buzzer>

Papie-ay Mach-ay? JERRY: Yeah PATRICE: Keep goin'. GEORGE: George GEORGE: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

JERRY: Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go

them. GEORGE: Oh, no. We left on good terms.

to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor GEORGE: My whole life has been a complete waste of time, <chuckle>

JERRY: How is that possible? GEORGE: Because I uh, I told her the truth. JERRY: Oh, my God.

JERRY: And there's so much more to go. GEORGE: It's OK. GEORGE: Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple.

JERRY: It's unheard of ...

Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth

GEORGE: She asked me to.

JERRY: So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers?

JERRY: So you lie! What did you tell her?

GEORGE: Oh, oh, your papers

GEORGE: I pretentious.

told

her

that

she

was

JERRY: What happened you didn't give her the papers?

JERRY: Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was

GEORGE: No. I did.

pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they

JERRY: SO? want GEORGE: ...I broke up with her. <Kramer leaves>

ELAINE: How would you like it if someone told YOU the truth?

JERRY: You what?

GEORGE: Like what? What could they say?

GEORGE: I broke up with her.

ELAINE: There are plenty of things to say.

JERRY: I'm being audited! And you broke up with her?

GEORGE: Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of?

GEORGE: It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it. JERRY: Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump

ELAINE: George, please. GEORGE: Give me one. ELAINE: You sure?

GEORGE: Yes.

what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... <hangs up>

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: What? What?

ELAINE: Forget it. You are very careful with money.

GEORGE: She never came back from lunch.

GEORGE: I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't

JERRY: This is no good. This is no good. Call her house. GEORGE: <dials> Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, <hangs up> She hung up.

believe this. How could you say that to me? JERRY: Not good. ELAINE: You asked me to. GEORGE: You should have lied. ELAINE: HUH, so should you. JERRY: OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers?

GEORGE: All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little annoyed right now. Tomorrow personally go over there. I'll apologize.

I'll

I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. <exits>

GEORGE:<ignoring Jerry> I mean I'm not really working right now.

JERRY: Not good

ELAINE: I know.

<break>

GEORGE: When I was working I spent baby.

Jerry's Apartment =================

JERRY: Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers? GEORGE: She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her.

KRAMER: Yeah, it's a windshield. JERRY: I can see that. What's it for? KRAMER: I found it on the road.

ELAINE: Pocketbook or a handbag? JERRY: Yeah (to buzzer) JERRY: Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office. GEORGE: Give me the phone. <dials> Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ...

ELAINE: (from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy? JERRY: Come on up.

KRAMER: Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a

KRAMER: All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked.

coffee table out of this and surprise Tina. <Kramer begins disrobing> JERRY: wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's

ELAINE: No thanks!

in front of the couch?

KRAMER: No, I want you to see me naked.

KRAMER: wow

ELAINE: No, no no.

KRAMER: No, I want to show you. ELAINE: No! Jerry! Jerry!

ELAINE: hell-oo KRAMER: hell-oo

JERRY: OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my

JERRY: What's with you two? ELAINE: You haven't told him?

home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.

JERRY: Tell me what?

ELAINE: Huh, go ahead, tell him.

ELAINE: Ehat is this?

KRAMER: I, I saw her naked.

KRAMER: Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table.

ELAINE: He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked. KRAMER: Well, you know, ... it was an accident. ELAINE: Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know!

ELAINE: Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it. JERRY: You'll sense it. <George enters slowly>

KRAMER: I thought it was a closet.

JERRY: Well, what happened? Was she there?

JERRY: Completely naked?

GEORGE: No, no she wasn't.

KRAMER: Completely naked.

JERRY: You didn't get my papers?

ELAINE: Jerrryyy, How can I go on?

GEORGE: No, I didn't.

JERRY: Well, where is she?

JERRY: A mental institution?

GEORGE: A mental institution. STAND UP ROUTINE

KRAMER: You know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in

================

your head.

Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have

GEORGE: It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression

clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments that people like

clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over

to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good

this. ELAINE: Who told you this:

<pulling at lapels, pockets etc.> feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. <no movements> There's

GEORGE: Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I

KRAMER: My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect.

feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, <tugging and

JERRY: You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any

lifting belt> I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be,

information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!

wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this <hand

GEORGE: She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her.

in pocket> I think that would really help a lot.

JERRY: So what now? GEORGE: I don't know.

=============================== =============================== ==

JERRY: Can we go out there? GEORGE: Where?

Jerry's Apartment JERRY: Woodhaven. =================

GEORGE: We could. ================== Woodhaven =========

GEORGE: I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before.

ELAINE: Oh, my god.

JERRY: My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to

my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin'

ELAINE: KRAMER! KRAMER: Hey.

"where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?" GEORGE: I should be in a place like this I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association tests. I love those. JERRY: That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.

ELAINE: WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON. KRAMER: Uh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa. TINA: Kramer, are you coming back to bed? KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby. TINA: Oh, hi Elaine. <returns Elaine's ear rings> What did you think of the coffee table?

GEORGE: Potato ELAINE: It's invisible. JERRY: Tuberculosis KRAMER: So, is everything cool? or what? GEORGE: Blanket JERRY: Leroy

TINA: Yeah, dysfunctional.

you

seem

little

bit

GEORGE: Grass

ELAINE: Well,

JERRY: Tuberculosis

TINA: Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth.

GEORGE: Oh, boy. Here she comes.

ELAINE: The Truth!, You want The Truth?

Elaine's Apartment

Woodhaven

========= PATRICE: Who are you? GEORGE: Oh, this is my friend Jerry. PATRICE: Why are you talking like that? And what do YOU want?

GEORGE: What I said? I saw stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things. JERRY: It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook?

JERRY: Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things

GEORGE: You should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you.

about you from George. PATRICE: You mean that? PATRICE: George thinks I'm pretentious. GEORGE: Pretentious? Who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental institution. PATRICE: You're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here.

GEORGE: Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile. JERRY: He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket book. Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers. PATRICE: Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I

GEORGE: No, that's not it at all. PATRICE: Don't LIE George.

got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies.

GEORGE:I'M NOT A LIER!

JERRY: there are no copies.

GEORGE: Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent)

PATRICE: So are you saying you want to continue seeing me?

JERRY: Just chatting. Friendly.

JERRY: Who makes copies?

GEORGE: All righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices.

Elaine's Apartment ==================

PATRICE: I know what you said. You can't change that.

ELAINE: The truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple. <Elaine exits>

<Kramer enter - all bandaged up. KRAMER: Hey, Are you going to the hospital now?

KRAMER: Oh, ELAINE: Yeah, I suppose I am. TINA: Kramer, <dancing in the dark to the music> TINA: Here Kramer?

KRAMER: All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab. JERRY: You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride.

KRAMER: No, lets go to the couch... GEORGE: Hey, I'm getting in on that. <sound of smashing glass> ELAINE: You know you're chippin' in. Jerry's Apartment GEORGE: You're going that way anyway! ================[ Stand Up JERRY: <on phone>Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer thatI bought there.... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye.

========= I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your

JERRY: Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt.

spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and

ELAINE: I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital.

put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake and just kinda crank it around

JERRY: George?

there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I

GEORGE: I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, Supposed to be good.

mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm sorry that's

another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!"

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Transcribed by: Christian Fecteau Written by Lary David Directed by Tom Cherones Broadcast date: 2 Oct 91 REGULARS:

(George and Kramer do not appear in this episode) Jerry Seinfeld [Jerry] Julia Louis-Dreyfus [Elaine] RECURRENT CHARACTERS: Barney Martin [Morty] Liz Sheridan [Helen] Sandy Baron [Jack Klompus] Annie Korzen [Doris Klompus] Ann Morgan Gilbert [Evelyn] Len Lesser [Uncle Leo] GUEST STARS: Magda Harout [Stella] Roger Nolan [The Chiropractor] Tucker Smallwood [The Photographer] [Setting: Night club] JERRY: I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know: "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back."

[Setting: Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents]

HELEN: (looking by the window) They were supposed to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines again.

HELEN: If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.

MORTY: (searching in a kitchen drawer) What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.

JERRY: So what would you do? You'd hitch?

HELEN: Oh I think that's them!

JERRY: I don't know. 25 bucks a day.

MORTY: You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

HELEN: What? You're crazy.

HELEN: How much is a rent-a-car?

MORTY: Plus the insurance. (Jerry and Elaine enter) JERRY: Oh, I didn't get the insurance. ALL: Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc. MORTY: Welcome to Florida!

MORTY: How could you not get the insurance?

ELAINE: Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug)

HELEN: We'll pay for the car.

JERRY: Hey, there's the old man! (hug)

JERRY: You're not paying for it.

MORTY: So, what took you so long?

HELEN: Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't)

JERRY: We waited 35 minutes in the rent-acar place. HELEN: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up.

JERRY: God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning? HELEN: You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready?

JERRY: What's the difference? HELEN: You could have used our car. JERRY: I don't wanna use your car.

JERRY: It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?

HELEN: What's wrong with our car?

HELEN: Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines.

JERRY: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?

JERRY: (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd.

HELEN: We don't use it.

ELAINE: (looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake?

MORTY: What are you talking? We use it.

JERRY: The lake isn't real. HELEN: The lake is real. MORTY: Are you kidding? They built the lake.

HELEN: (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there together. JERRY: No that's not such a good idea.

HELEN: But it's real. It's water. HELEN: Well I tought that... (Jerry and Elaine take their luggages to the guest room)

JERRY: Not now. She's right inside.

HELEN: Where are you going with those?

HELEN: (quieter) What happened?

JERRY: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.

JERRY: I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.

HELEN: Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom.

HELEN: What does that mean?

ELAINE: I can't take your bedroom.

JERRY: Well...

HELEN: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.

MORTY: (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering?

ELAINE: I can't kick you out of your bed. JERRY: Shh! Nothing, nothing. HELEN: We don't even sleep. HELEN: Elaine... JERRY: Ma. MORTY: (still loud) What about her? HELEN: But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable. JERRY: (to Morty) What about you? MORTY: Why should I be comfortable? JERRY: (to Helen) What about him? HELEN: Don't worry, he's comfortable. MORTY: I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine. HELEN: Will you stop? ELAINE: Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room)

JERRY: (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggages, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangments, but we can't seem to be friend when we sleep together.

MORTY: (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper in any episode? :-) Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.

JACK: So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this?

HELEN: He's an idealist.

HELEN: Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?

ELAINE: And scuba diving.

MORTY: What the hell are you looking for? JERRY: I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.

JERRY: We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.

HELEN: He likes looking.

HELEN: What do you have to go scuba diving for?

MORTY: So look.

JERRY: For fun.

HELEN: But how long can you look?

HELEN: For fun?

JERRY: I'm going for the record.

MORTY: Jack have some spong cake.

(Morty walks away with a face like he disagrees with Jerry)

JACK: No. thanks, no.

HELEN: You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came. JERRY: Oh, come on. HELEN: This is a big thing for him. Outgoing president of the condo association. (knock on door: this is Jack and Doris, neigboors) MORTY: Aha! DORIS: So they arrived safely.

MORTY: Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing. JACK: So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skit tommsorow? JERRY: I don't think so. JACK: No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods) All right. I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his pocket). MORTY: What did you have? You had the minute steak?

MORTY: (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris?

JACK: Yeah.

JERRY: Nice to meet you. This is Elaine.

MORTY: Did you have a coke or what?

ELAINE: Hi. Nice to meet you.

JACK: I did NOT have a coke. MORTY: Somebody had a coke.

HELEN: Oh I had a coke.

JACK: Come on, take the pen!

DORIS: And I had the scampi.

JERRY: I can't take it.

JACK: So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip.

JACK: Do me a personal favor! JERRY: No, I'm not...

MORTY: All right. Make it 20 bucks. JACK: Take the pen! JACK: It's: 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the check)

JERRY: I cannot take it!

MORTY: 19.45$ ?

JACK: Take the pen!

JACK: See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president.

JERRY: Are you sure?

(Jerry notices Klompus's pen)

JERRY: O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy!

JACK: Positive! Take the pen!

JERRY: What kind of pen is that? HELEN: Jack, what are you doing? JACK: This pen? JACK: Stop it! JERRY: Yeah. JACK: This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space.

DORIS: Jack, we should go. (they go to the door) It was nice to meeting you. ELAINE: Mmm, nice to meet you.

JERRY: Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it?

JERRY: Thanks again.

JACK: Oh it was a gift.

JACK: Come on!

JERRY: Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen works.

DORIS: (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave)

JACK: Take the pen.

HELEN: (as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for?

JERRY: Oh no.

JERRY: What he gave it to me.

JACK: Go ahead.

HELEN: You didn't have to take it.

JERRY: I couldn't

MORTY: Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.

MORTY: He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous.

JERRY: He offered it to me.

JERRY: Hey I don't even want the pen now!

HELEN: Because you made such a big fuss about it.

MORTY: Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho!

JERRY: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it? HELEN: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do? (the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute)

ELAINE: Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it wrtites upside down. (scene ends)

JERRY: He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket. HELEN: He loves that pen. MORTY: Oh come on! HELEN: He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it. JERRY: If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it. HELEN: He didn't think you'd accpet. JERRY: Well, he was wrong. HELEN: I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now. (againe we see Elaine smiling at their argument) JERRY: So you want me to return it? HELEN: Yes.

[setting: condo's guest room] (Elaine is lying on the sofa bed. It's too hot. She can't fall asleep) (knock on door) ELAINE: Come in. JERRY: Are you O.K. in here? ELAINE: Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this? JERRY: It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really. ELAINE: Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me. JERRY: Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule. ELAINE: I am never gonna fall asleep.

JERRY: Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me. ELAINE: How can they not put the air conditioning on?

HELEN: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special? JERRY: What's so special up here?

JERRY: They're nuts with temperature. ELAINE: This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.

(Elaine open the guest room's door and she's in pain) ELAINE: Oh!

JERRY: How about that guy writing a check for 19.45? ELAINE: I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.

(everybody get up and walk to her) HELEN: What's the matter? ELAINE: My back.

JERRY: It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)

HELEN: What happened? ELAINE: That... That bed. The bar was right in my back.

(scene ends) HELEN: (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there. JERRY: Then YOU would be hunched over. [setting: condo, morning] (Jerry and Morty are sitting at the table, Helen is at the counter. Elaine's still sleeping? Well, she's still in the guest room.) MORTY: Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me? JERRY: Stay on Biscayne. HELEN: You're going underwater? JERRY: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.

ELAINE: I don't even know if I can go scuba diving. JERRY: You can't go? HELEN: So stay home. ELAINE: You can go. JERRY: Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here. HELEN: Don't go. JERRY: You sure? MORTY: Maybe you should see a doctor. JERRY: We'll stay in a hotel tonight.

ELAINE: (whispering to Jerry) Yes! HELEN: No, we'll stay in there. JERRY: Why don't you get a new sofa?

JERRY: (Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What? EVELYN: The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you.

MORTY: Nobody uses it. HELEN: How did you know that? JERRY: I'm buying you a new sofa. EVELYN: Blanche told me. HELEN: Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy. HELEN: Blanche? ELAINE: Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.

EVELYN: That's some good pen. It writes upside down.

HELEN: You're hot? ELAINE: The astronauts use them. ELAINE: I've lost 6 pounds. HELEN: What did Blanche say? HELEN: I don't even know how to work it. MORTY: I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.

EVELYN: I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen. JERRY: I never really wanted the pen.

(Evelyn, a neighboor, enters) MORTY: He gave him the pen. EVELYN: Is everybody up? HELEN: Morty. JERRY: Hi. How are you? EVELYN: Why you don't like the pen? EVELYN: Hello Jerry. JERRY: No, no, I... JERRY: Evelyn, this is Elaine. ELAINE: (with pain) Hi Evelyn.

EVELYN: Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him.

EVELYN: Jerry you got thin.

HELEN: Is that what she said?

JERRY: Too thin?

EVELYN: Who?

HELEN: Oh stop worrying so much about how you look.

HELEN: Blanche. EVELYN: What are you talking about?

EVELYN: So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question)

(The phone rings, Helen answers.)

HELEN: Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're giving him back that pen. (She continues the discussion with Gussy but we don't hear it.)

ELAINE: Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want. HELEN: No. I'm fine. ELAINE: You're not too cold?

ELAINE: Somebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER! MORTY: (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it.

HELEN: No. (Jerry enters with a black eye) JERRY: Don't be alarmed.

(the phone conversation is over. Helen looks at Jerry.)

MORTY: Oh my God! What the hell happened to you?

JERRY: All I said was "I like the pen". JERRY: I'm O.K. My capillaries burst. (Morty looks at the control panel for the air conditioner) MORTY: How the hell do you work this thing?

HELEN: Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like? JERRY: (to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing?

(scene ends) ELAINE: Having a good time! JERRY: Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here? [setting: still the condo, later]

HELEN: What happened to your eyes?

(Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with pillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking at Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing)

JERRY: Well I started to go under...

HELEN: Maybe you shouldn't go tonight. ELAINE: No no, I wanna go. HELEN: But your back hurts. MORTY: Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help.

HELEN: With the instructor? JERRY: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets. HELEN: I told you... (Jack enters, all dressed-up, smoking a cigar)

JACK: Whose pen? JACK: Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook to go with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) The shoes have to match the pocketbook. (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga?

MORTY: His pen. JACK: This happens to be my pen. MORTY: You didn't give it to him.

ELAINE: My back hurts. JACK: Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready. MORTY: We got plenty of time.

JACK: What are you talking about? He pratically begged me for it. MORTY: Where do you come off with this crap?

JACK: (to Jerry) What happened to you? JERRY: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.

JACK: Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?

HELEN: It's from scuba diving. MORTY: You said you didn't want it! JACK: What's there to see underwater? (Helen turns to Jerry and makes a face like: give him back the pen) JERRY: Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it. JACK: You what? JERRY: I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he tends the pen to Jack) JACK: Well I mean... JERRY: Take it.

JACK: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake! MORTY: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake? (Jerry and Elaine can't beleive what they're hearing) JACK: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape! MORTY: Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it! JACK: Don't worry about it! I'll give it back!

JACK: All right! (he smiles and take it) MORTY: I don't want it! (Morty gets up and walks right to Jack) JACK: I don't want it! MORTY: You know Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen.

MORTY: You know Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here!

(Elaine is laughing for nothing and she walks right up to the lens of the camera.) ELAINE: Say what? (laughing) Say what?

JACK: Listen do you think I give a damn? MORTY: Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that'it for them. JERRY: What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes? HELEN: I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands)

JERRY: (Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills. MORTY: Astronaut? HELEN: Say it. JERRY, MORTY AND HELEN: Astronaut! ELAINE: (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut! (the image frozes and we see that the picture is awful, with Jerry and his sunglasses, and Elaine laughing who can barely stand.)

JERRY: Isn't he supposed to be the emcee? MORTY: yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee. JERRY: Well. This should be a very interesting evening. ELAINE: (still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers?

MORTY: Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you? JERRY: Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella) JERRY: (to Leo) Uncle Leo.

(scene ends) LEO: Hello! STELLA: Morty are you nervous? [setting: reception room, evening] (Morty, Helen, Elaine and Jerry are standing for a photograph in the entrance. Jerry wears sunglasses and Elaine is all drugged-up on muscle relaxers.) PHOTOGRAPHER: Say astronaut.

MORTY: What nervous? LEO: (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson? JERRY: I've got a black eye. STELLA: (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello.

JERRY: Elaine, this is my aunt Stella. HELEN: (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) STELLA! STELLA! JERRY: (to Stella) Her back hurts. STELLA: Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week. LEO: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk. JERRY: No, no. LEO: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already. ELAINE: (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA! LEO: Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you. MORTY: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department! LEO: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down. (Jack and Morty exchange a look.) STELLA: (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) This better be good. I'm missing "Golden Girls" for this. HELEN: (laughing hypocritically till Stella walks away) I hate her like poison. (a few minutes later, the ceremony is about to begin. Someone in the crowd yells: "Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause and we

see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table, facing the public: Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone, Doris, and four other people.) JACK: (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president. And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells: Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan. MORTY: (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed him) JACK: Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (everyone laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. Even Elaine who's still druggy) HELEN: (Morty complains again to Helen) He's joking. JACK: His administration did excel in one department: the hiring of incompetents. MORTY: (to Jack, loud) That's what you say. JACK: But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks. (Morty is now the only one not laughing) MORTY: (loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that! (he gets up) JERRY: Dad!

MORTY: (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that!

WOMAN IN THE CROWD: (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class. (Elaine is almost asleep at the table)

JACK: He gave it to me! MORTY: Come on. That's enough, sit down! JACK: I'm not sitting down! (they start to fight. Morty tries to get the microphone off Jack' hands. He yells to Jack to give him the pen. Jerry gets up and tries to separate them. We hear a feedback from the microphone and they stop to fight) JACK: Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack is touching his dental plate while Morty reaches in Jack's pocket to get the pen) Doris! He broke my dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table and Morty follows him and continue arguing with him. Jerry now have the microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.)

JERRY: Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut? MAN IN THE CROWD: I'd rather have a bottle of scotch! HELEN: (to Jerry) Do the dog routine. JERRY: All I said was I liked the pen! ELAINE: (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA! (Everybody stops talking and put their hands on their ears) (scene ends)

HELEN: Jerry, do your act.

[setting: condo, morning]

JERRY: (in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening.

(Elaine is sitting on the couch and a chiro is examining her. Jerry's sitting next to her. Helen is standing beside them and Morty is still asleep in the guest room)

HELEN: They're all gonna leave. JERRY: (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry) MAN IN THE CROWD: Who are you? JERRY: (still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?

CHIROPRACTOR: You could aggravated. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days. ELAINE: Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days? JERRY: There must be some mistake. CHIROPRACTOR: I'm afraid not. ELAINE: (discouraged) Five days. Here.

HELEN: (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days!

HELEN: It's in the constitution. MORTY: (to the chiro) Who are you?

JERRY: (to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be...

CHIROPRACTOR: I'm a chiropractor. MORTY: What are you kidding me?

ELAINE: Excuse me? ELAINE: (to Jerry) Five more days? JERRY: Nothing. (Evelyn enters) EVELYN: Good morning.

JERRY: Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)

JERRY: Hi Evelyn. (scene ends) EVELYN: (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet? HELEN: I don't think so. EVELYN: Because my nephew Larry could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case. HELEN: I'll ask him when he gets up. EVELYN: Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to.

[setting: night club, closing monologue] Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going: "Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. I'm trying to get a sweat going." (end of the show) Transcribed by 2002 Christianada Industries

(Morty gets up in a bad shape) MORTY: Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's that bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing? HELEN: I was very comfortable. EVELYN: Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out.

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[Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Larry David ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode no. 21 pc: 303, season 3, episode 4 Broadcast date: October 9, 1991 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars:

Joseph Maher..................... Gavin Palone Tom Williams..................... 'voice' of Farfel Marvin Wright-Bey................ Attendant #1 Kelly Wellman.................... Attendant #2

Opening monologue. So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying! New scene. Jerry is on an airplane, seated beside a talkative (and inebriated) man. Gavin: Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel without him. Jerry: Is he on the plane now? Gavin: Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have any pets? Jerry: Uh, just my next door neighbor.

Gavin: You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible. Jerry: Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching? Gavin leans back in his seat wearing a pained expression. Jerry: What's the matter? Gavin: Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy. Cut to external shot of the plane in flight, then back into the cabin where flight attendants are tending to Gavin, who is lying on the floor. Attendant #1: Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital. Gavin: My dog. What about my dog? Attendant #1: Uh, you have a dog? Attendant #2: Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?

Jerry: But, you know, what if, you know? Gavin: Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you. Jerry: The dog? New scene. Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up and there's a loud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen. Jerry: Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do? Elaine: Well it's only been three days, I'm sure he's gonna call. Jerry (to Farfel): STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.

Jerry stares out the window. Elaine: If only. Gavin: Jerry? Jerry: Huh? How you feeling? Gavin: Would you take care of Farfel?

Jerry: Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of the house since I got back.

Jerry: Farfel? Elaine: Hey, when you walk him, do ya... Attendant #2: It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital, could you take his dog to New York?

Jerry: Do I what? Elaine: Do you pick it up?

Jerry: The dog? The dog?? Jerry: Yes, I pick it up. Gavin: I'm sure it's only for a day or two. Elaine: You pick it up?!?

Jerry: You're breaking up? Jerry: Well you have to. Elaine: Oh, boy would I love to see that. Jerry: SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up? Elaine: Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is. Jerry: No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg creams) You gotta put the syrup in first. Elaine: No, milk. Jerry: I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender.

Kramer: Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah. Elaine: Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did. Kramer: Woah, you didn't like her? Elaine: If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.

Elaine: What is a bender anyhow?

Jerry: I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet.

Jerry: I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar.

Kramer: How anything?

Elaine: I can't believe he hasn't called.

Jerry: You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them.

Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!

come

you

never

said

Kramer: I tell you. Jerry: You. I'm talking about people.

Kramer enters. Kramer: Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight. Jerry: Why? Elaine: We're going to the movies, we're gonna see Prognosis Negative. Kramer: I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.

Elaine: Are we still going to the movies tonight? Jerry: No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me. Elaine: Just me and George? Jerry: Sure. Elaine: But we need you.

George: You spritz a little Lysol on it. Jerry: What do you need me for? Jerry's buzzer buzzes.

Jerry: No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk.

Elaine: Because... Yeah? George: So we're not going? George: Prognosis Negative! Jerry: Nah. You two go. Elaine buzzes George into the building. George: Oh. You still wanna go? Elaine: Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law. Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just put some newspapers down or something?

Elaine: Do you? George: If you want. Elaine: It's up to you.

Jerry: No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!

Jerry: Go ahead.

Elaine: Just me and George alone?

Elaine: Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry, uh, you wanna see Ponce de Leon?

George enters. George: Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha ha!!! Jerry: I can't go.

George: Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go? Jerry: I want to but I can't.

Jerry: Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.

Elaine: Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night.

George: I thought Kramer was watching.

Jerry: No.

Jerry: He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight.

George: What about this--

George: Can't go, Why not?

George: Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down.

Jerry: Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time. Elaine: I know, it's not that.

Jerry: No, I don't want that smell in the house.

George: It's just we want you to go.

Jerry: Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath! On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge? New scene. George and Elaine are at the coffee shop after seeing Ponce De Leon. They're obviously uncomfortable alone together.

New scene. Kramer is breaking up with his girlfriend.

George: So how long did you live there?

George: I like herbal tea.

Elaine: About three years.

Elaine yawns.

George: That's pretty long.

George: Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure.

Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.

New scene. Monk's, Elaine and George are as bored as before.

Elaine: Hmm. Elaine: Jerry likes Morning Thunder. George: It's not that long, really. George: Jerry drinks Morning Thunder? Elaine: Yeah. An uncomfortable silence ensues. They both speak at the same time, then stop. Another silence.

Elaine: Yeah.

George: And then you came here.

George: Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.

Elaine: Yeah. So I've been here about six years.

Elaine: Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.

George (Counting on his fingers): Eightysix, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup. New scene. Jerry vs. Farfel, part II

George: You don't tell him?

Jerry: Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?!

Elaine (laughing): No. And you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel great!" George (laughing): You don't tell him?

Elaine: No. George: That is so funny!

Elaine: The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you.

Elaine: I know! George: Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?! They both make the same convulsive gestures together and break out in more laughter. New scene. Kramer has had a change of heart. Kramer: Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, I'll do anything! New scene. Jerry's at his apartment, on the phone, Farfel is barking. Jerry: That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable. Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel! Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're checking out! New scene. Jerry and Elaine are cleaning Jerry's apartment.

Jerry (answering phone) Hello? Aha! Boy George, about time. Beautiful, how soon? Okay, here's the plan. We take the dog to the pound, we go right to the movies. Right, you, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am going. Okay, see you in five minutes. Jerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing. Jerry: Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine) What? Elaine: Do you have to? Jerry: What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog. Elaine: You know, the guy might have just lost your number. Jerry: I'm in the book and I have a machine. Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them. Jerry: Really? How late are they open?

Elaine: It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one. Jerry: Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off.

Kramer enters. Jerry: What? Elaine: What is it? Kramer: I went back with Ellen.

Jerry and Elaine: Ohhhhh, that's great. Jerry: Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on. Elaine: Terrific. Jerry: Yeah, I really think you guys are good together. Elaine: Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding. Kramer: Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her? Jerry: I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset. Kramer: From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you don't know me.

Elaine: Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault. Jerry: It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is. Elaine: Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight. Jerry: I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative? Elaine: We'll see it Sunday. George enters.

Elaine: Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it. Jerry: What are you doing? Kramer: I'm getting my pot. Kramer grabs a put from under the counter and walks out. Elaine: Kramer, we like her. Jerry: Kramer? What did we say that's so bad? Elaine: I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit. Jerry: I said, "How come no one's killed her?" Probably shouldn't have said anything, everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) Yeah? George: Prognosis Negative! Farfel begins barking.

George: Tonight's Prognosis Negative?

the

night,

right?

Elaine: I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog. George: What does this mean? Jerry: Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De Leon. George: What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound. Jerry: She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. George: Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there? Jerry: I don't know, regular human time?

George: Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies?

George: Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long?

Jerry: Why shouldn't I go here? Elaine: Yeah, he does it like six times a day. Elaine: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom. George: And isn't it more fun using the urinal? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!

George: How come we never hear him? Elaine: Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, Just like this, watch. Elaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter. George: Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?!

George: Hey, go. Elaine: We talked about that already. Elaine: Who's stopping you? George: What, are you doing me a favor? Elaine: Like we care if you go to the bathroom. Elaine and George, left alone together are obviously uncomfortable. George: How's it going?

George: Oh. New scene. Jerry and George are in line outside the Cine 66 theater. George: I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation. Jerry: So what are calling me six times a day?

Elaine: Good. Good. You? George: Things are good.

George: All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section.

After a pause, George starts whistling, then picks a chew toy off the floor and squeezes it towards Elaine, making a squeaking sound.

Jerry: I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire.

Elaine: Boy, he takes such a long time. George: I know. Elaine: You know what he does in there? He gargles.

George: Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out. Jerry: It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing? George: Nothing except Prognosis Negative.

Jerry: Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me. New scene. Elaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket. Elaine: Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!

George: Right. Jerry: Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies. George: And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it.

The phone rings, Farfel begins barking. Elaine: Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.

Jerry: How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon, let's just go. George: Good.

Cut back to Jerry and George. Jerry: Saving movies. George: I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing. Jerry: I don't know what to do. George: What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go. Jerry: I know, I know. George: So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy. Jerry: It is kind of silly.

George: Ridiculous! Jerry: Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in trouble. George: Oh, you're dead. New scene. Jerry's apartment, Gavin has come to collect his dog. Farfel is barking as loud as ever. Gavin: Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely incapacitated. Quiet Farfel!

George: Of course it is. Jerry: I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake. George: Exactly. Jerry: It's not like she's *in* the movie.

Jerry: You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday. Gavin: Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center

in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility, top notch physicians. Kramer: Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me!

Jerry: No, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard.

Gavin: He won't hurt you, he's just playing.

Elaine: Jerry, you promised me we'd go.

Kramer: Hey you keep that mutt away from me.

Jerry: Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.

Gavin: Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours. Ellen: Kramer, are you coming?

Elaine: Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it.

Jerry: Oh, hi Ellen.

Jerry: You and George got together?

Ellen: Get in here.

Elaine: Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about.

Kramer sulks off. Kramer enters. Jerry: Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind...

Jerry: Hello. Kramer, Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Gavin: Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out.

Jerry: What's up? Kramer: Well, you were right.

Jerry: Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.

Jerry: About what?

Farfel barks very loudly and pulls Gavin into the hallway and out of Jerry's apartment. New scene. Jerry and Elaine at in Jerry's apartment.

Kramer: Ellen. We, uh, broke up again.

Elaine: We made plans.

Elaine: I thought she was the one.

Jerry: Why don't we just rent a movie?

Kramer: I'll bring back the pot.

Elaine: I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative.

Elaine: Okay, c'mon it's movie time.

Jerry and Elaine, together: Awwwwww. Jerry: Too bad.

Kramer: Hey, what are you gonna see?

Jerry: Prognosis Negative. Kramer: Hey, that's supposed to be great. Jerry: It's not. Kramer: How do you know?

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Jerry: I have an instinct for these things. Closing monologue. I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet? Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site

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Episode 22 - Oct. 16, 1991 =============================== ========== Philip Baker Hall [ Lt. Bookman ] Ashley Gardener [ Marion ] Harris Shore [ Mr. Lippman ] Cynthia Szigeti [Sherry] Biff Yeager [ Heyman ] Neal Lerner [ The "Shusher" ] Marie Barrientos [ The Receptionist] Writer: Larry Charles Director: Joshua White =============================== =============================== Transcribed by: The News Guy(Mike)

=============================== ===============================

ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this

JERRY'S APARTMENT

body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ...

JERRY: Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book

FLASHBACK <to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress>

from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station?

JERRY: That orange dress is burned in my memory

KRAMER: enters

KRAMER: Oh, memory burn.

JERRY: Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour.

JERRY: I wonder what ever happened to her.

Bye.

KRAMER: How did they ever find you?

KRAMER: What's the problem?

JERRY: Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is

JERRY: This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer

completely ridiculous.

in 1971 and never returned it.

KRAMER: Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's

JERRY: It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library

going to be $50,000

KRAMER: You know I never got a library card.

JERRY: It doesn't work like that.

JERRY: <to speaker> Coming down.

KRAMER: If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000

KRAMER: It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading

JERRY: It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly

the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh,

because I was with Sherry Becker. She waore this orange dress. It was the first time I

JERRY: I gotta go to the library. You want to go? KRAMER: Yeah,

LIBRARY library investigation officer Mr. Bookman. KRAMER: The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned

KRAMER: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman?

up on that deal.

LIBRARIAN: It's true.

JERRY: Where's George

KRAMER: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone.

READER: Shhh. KRAMER: Tryin' to save a quarter.

LIBRARIAN: Lt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes.

JERRY: I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them for my house.

JERRY: Can I speak with this Bookman?

TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER

LIBRARIAN: Just a second.

JERRY: This woman's completely ignoring me.

GEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET

KRAMER: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ...

GEORGE: Jerry,

Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was

GEORGE: I think I saw him. I think it's him.

a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding.

GEORGE: Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some

She needs a little Kramer.

calesthetics routine

JERRY: Eventually a little shot of penicillin

JERRY: Yeah.

LIBRARIAN: Yes?

KRAMER: yeah

JERRY: Yes I called before. I got his notice in the mail.

GEORGE: I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School.

LIBRARIAN: Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our

READER: Shhh.

JERRY: What?

JERRY: Who?

JERRY: <whispers> Are you sure?

GEORGE: He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him.

LIBRARIAN: I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you. JERRY: All right Thanks. Come on lets go

JERRY: George got him fired. He squealed on him. KRAMER: Ooh tattle tale

GEORGE: Let's see if it's Hayman?

GEORGE: <yells> I didn't tattle

KRAMER: Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. <TURNS TO LIBRARIAN> So uh, what's a guy got to do

READER: Shh Shh

around here

KRAMER: What did this guy do? What happened?

to get a library card? PENDANT PUBLISHING OFFICES

GEORGE: There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it.

ELAINE: Where's Karen?

KRAMER: Oh come on, You can tell me.

SECRETARY: She went to pick up lunch.

GEORGE: Some other time.

ELAINE: She didn't ask me what I wanted.

KRAMER: What tonight?

SECRETARY: She must have forgot.

LIBRARIAN WALKS BY

ELAINE: How could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years?

KRAMER: Y'know I never figured you for a squealer. JERRY: Oh, he sang like a canary. LIBRARIAN: Mr. Bookman's not here. JERRY: Not here? Why was I told to come down here? LIBRARIAN: He'll be out all afternoon on a case. KRAMER: He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases? JERRY: Well what am I supposed to do now?

Is there something you're not telling me because I'm getting a really weird vibe. Is Lippman getting rid of me? It's OK I won't say anything. SECRETARY: I don't know anything. ELAINE: Ah, you don't know anything. You see, "I don't know anything", means there's something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said "You're crazy." LIPPMAN ENTERS

ELAINE: Oh, hi Mr. Lippman.

"Can't stand ja".

LIPPMAN: Elaine,

"Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.

ELAINE: Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of

JERRY: I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps

Columbus, I gave you? were hangin' down by his ,... LIPPMAN: Yes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this water is still too cold.

GEORGE: OK, OK, I never even had him for gym.

ELAINE: It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth. AT MONKS

JERRY: I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse.

ELAINE: I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend.

GEORGE: Little baked beans

And then that lunch thing.

JERRY: Echh

JERRY: So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal!

ELAINE: Come on tell me what happened.

ELAINE: What do you know. You've never worked in an office. <TURNS TO GEORGE> See, you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH!

GEORGE: Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. ... ME! FLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM

HIGH

SCHOOL

GEORGE: ... Those spastic shnitzer twins ... GEORGE: I don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because

HEYMAN: Can't stand ja ... Can't stand ja GEORGE: Yes, Mr. Hayman

I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?

HEYMAN: Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.

ELAINE: What did he do? GEORGE: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say,

GEORGE: Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.

HEYMAN: Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?

=============================== =============================== =============

GEORGE: I'm not really sure, I... STANDUP ROUTINE HEYMAN: Well let's take a look. <GEORGE: gets a wedgie>

What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done.

BACK TO MONK'S GEORGE: He gave me a wedgie. JERRY: He got fired the next day.

It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's

ELAINE: Why do they call it a wedgie? GEORGE: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in.. JERRY: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare. ELAINE: Boys are sick. JERRY: Well what do girls do ? ELAINE: We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder.

what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel? =============================== =============================== ============= JERRY'S APARTMENT

guy who ruined his life.

JERRY: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would

KRAMER ENTERS

you like a cup of tea?

KRAMER: Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library

BOOKMAN: You got any coffee?

he's waiting for ya.

BOOKMAN: Yeah. Coffee.

JERRY: Coffee?

JERRY: No, I don't drink coffee.

BOOKMAN: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?

Library, fella. JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very

JERRY: No, I don't have-BOOKMAN: You don't have any instant coffee? JERRY: Well, I don't normally-BOOKMAN: Who doesn't have instant coffee?

specifically. BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh. JERRY: I try. BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?

JERRY: I don't. BOOKMAN: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you

JERRY: No, I don't.

forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts

BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked

forever. It's Crystals.

it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity

freeze-dried.

Freeze-dried

JERRY: Really? I'll have to remember that. BOOKMAN: You took this book out in 1971. JERRY: Yes, and I returned it in 1971. BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public

that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law? JERRY: Certainly not. BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're

thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library

KRAMER: So I didn't do anything wrong.

books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without

MARION: I'm supposed to be atwork. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here.

libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change

KRAMER: Why don't ya' leave? MARION: I can't.

the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right

JERRY'S DOORWAY

now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees

JERRY: No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book I n 1971. I have a witness

and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers?

Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum.

Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue

It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it.

fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that

<thinks out loud, opens phone book> Becker, ... Becker, ...

kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe IN MONKS WITH SHERRY that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week! <Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back as he opens Jerry's

SH: Kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think. JERRY: So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?

door to leave>

SH: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.

KRAMER'S APARTMENT

JERRY: Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?

KRAMER: What's wrong?

SH: Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne?

MARION: It's Bookman the library cop.

It was GEORGE! JERRY: No Black Jack? LIBRARY SH: Licorice gum? Never! We were reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book, JERRY: Tropic of Cancer. SH: No, Tropic of Capricorn

KRAMER: Read another poem. MARION: Pressed chest fleshed out west Might be the saviour or a garden pest. KRAMER: Wow, that is great. You should be published.

JERRY: Tropic of Capricorn? SH: Rememba? What holds the world togetha' ... "As I have learned from bitter experience

KRAMER: You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed. MARIAN: Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo: HELLO!

is sexual intercourse ." KRAMER: HELLO! JERRY: Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them.

MARIAN: HELLO!

We read from TROPIC OF CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC OF CANCER. And then ...

KRAMER: HELLO!

FLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM

BOOKMAN (emerging): Hello!

JERRY: Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.

MARIAN Bookman.

GEORGE: Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it

BOOKMAN: I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly,

JERRY: Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.

discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life.

BACK TO MONKS

We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have

MARIAN: HELLO!

(turning,

surprised):

Mr.

SH: Where ya' going? JERRY: It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. <to old man that enters>

a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final

warning. Got that, kewpie-doll? ELAINE: Him? Him who? GEORGE: Him who? Hayman him. JERRY'S APARTMENT <Jerry in bedroom>

ELAINE: Hayman The gym teacher? You found him?

ELAINE: Lippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good

GEORGE: Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down

JERRY: Maybe you're getting' a raise.

next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus

<buzzer> JERRY: That was double overtime. ELAINE: Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie. ELAINE: What? GEORGE: It's George

GEORGE: So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little

ELAINE: George is on his way up. JERRY: Wait 'til I tell him about the book. KRAMER: <reading> sobs

baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library ,

ELAINE: Are you OK? What? What? a grown man, getting a wedgie. KRAMER: It's marion's poetry. I can't take it <leaves sobbing> ELAINE: Remember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT

ELAINE: At least it wasn't atomic. GEORGE: It was.

<Jerry enters>.

JERRY: So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER

JERRY: I'm right here.

GEORGE: How should I know?

ELAINE: Remember that Columbus book?

JERRY: Because I gave it to you.

JERRY: Columbus, Euro trash.

GEORGE: Me?

JERRY: Yesah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally

GEORGE: Well, it's definetly him.

I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room.

BOOKMAN: Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man

GEORGE: The locker room!

die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?

THE LOCKER ROOM

JERRY: What is your problem?

JERRY: Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.

BOOKMAN: What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not

GEORGE: Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem. JERRY: All right, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene. HEYMAN: Can't Stand Ya'.

screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle. JERRY: (after Bookman exits): That is one tough monkey! <turns to Elaine>

GEORGE: Yes Mr. Hayman. So you were saying? HEYMAN: Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. GEORGE: Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts. HEYMAN: Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?

ELAINE: Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much. JERRY: Oh, beautiful did he like them? ELAINE: No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!

GEORGE: I'm not really sure, I... JERRY: <to George> Was he out there? HEYMAN: Well let's take a look. <George gets a wedgie and TROPIC OF CANCER falls on floor>

GEORGE: Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him. JERRY: I guess we'll never know.

LIBRARY SOME BACK ALLEY < Jerry writes out a check for the neverreturned TROPIC OF CANCER and hands it to Bookman> JERRY: Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.

HEYMAN: Can't stand ya, <laughing> Can't stand ya. <pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground>

=============================== =============================== ========================== STAND UP It was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock strap?" Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day. =============================== =============================== =============================== = - THE END Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site

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Written by Larry David ACT ONE SCENE A INT. ESCALATOR GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE. IN SINGLE FILE: GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY BOX. GEORGE One left...what a joke. KRAMER You can have this one. GEORGE No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time. ELAINE Hey, I didn't get one either. JERRY Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons? ELAINE This is what people do. JERRY No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're

making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.

GEORGE My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?

THEY GET OFF THE ESCALATOR AND HEAD FOR THE CAR. CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE B INT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE AND KRAMER.

JERRY Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.

GEORGE You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.

ELAINE Isn't it going the other way? JERRY There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time. ELAINE But it's Saturday. JERRY You got the picnic and burger traffic. GEORGE I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush. KRAMER AROUND.

STOPS

AND

LOOKS

ELAINE So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?

ELAINE What's the matter?

GEORGE Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.

HE MUMBLES SOMETHING CONTINUES WALKING.

JERRY Big accomplishment. GEORGE Fish. What do they do?

JERRY I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?

ELAINE What do you do?

KRAMER STUMBLES WITH THE AIRCONDITIONER.

AND

KRAMER (RE: CAR) It's this way. GEORGE What time is it?

JERRY (CONT'D) You want me to help you with that?

JERRY Five o'clock.

KRAMER No, no, I got it.

GEORGE Always late. Always late.

AND HE STUMBLES AGAIN. JERRY SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

JERRY You're not late. GEORGE I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen. ELAINE Who?

JERRY (TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy? GEORGE Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.

KRAMER If you like her, go talk to her. GEORGE Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off. KRAMER She's fat.

GEORGE There's elevators all over! It all looks the same. JERRY It's over there. I know where it is. NOW JERRY TAKES THE LEAD AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW. ELAINE It's black, right? KRAMER Dark blue.

ELAINE Oh she's fat?

GEORGE (MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?

KRAMER STOPS AGAIN, CONFUSED.

JERRY There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.

ELAINE What? JERRY Where's the car?

THEY STOP...

KRAMER I thought it was here.

JERRY (CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was...

GEORGE You don't know where we parked? KRAMER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RESUMES WALKING. THEY FOLLOW. GEORGE Oh, this is great. KRAMER Blue-one. I thought it was blueone. JERRY I thought it was green. I remember seeing green.

KRAMER Didn't we come in over there? JERRY I thought it was over there. FROM THERE P.O.V. THE CAMERA DOES A THREE SIXTY AND WE GET A SENSE OF HOW ENORMOUS THIS PLACE IS, THEN: ELAINE How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? KRAMER About two hours.

ELAINE I didn't pay attention. GEORGE This is just what I need. ELAINE I'm sure it's right around here. KRAMER It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.

ELAINE (SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car. GEORGE It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF: GEORGE & ELAINE WITH KRAMER & JERRY BEHIND THEM.

JERRY I really have to go to the bathroom. ELAINE Those school zones are a killer. KRAMER Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J

JERRY (TO KRAMER, RE:BOX) Will you let me help you with that?

ERRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK. KRAMER (CONT'D) Why? around. JERRY I'll wait.

Nobody's

KRAMER I'm gonna put it down behind that car. HE DOES SO.

KRAMER You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily. JERRY Alright.

JERRY You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it? KRAMER (TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that.

KRAMER Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?

GEORGE Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.

JERRY Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.

ELAINE (LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.

ANGLE ON ELAINE AND GEORGE... ELAINE (RE: CAR) There it is!...No that's not it. A CAR SCREECHES AROUND CURVE, ELAINE IS UNNERVED.

ELAINE (CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery. GEORGE ...Six wrong?

KRAMER Look at this place. It's huge... GEORGE I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades. JERRY Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket." GEORGE Where the hell is this car, Kramer? KRAMER It's got to be here. ELAINE Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.

JERRY Maybe it's not on this level.

GEORGE ...What?

GEORGE What?

KID You're ugly.

JERRY There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?

GEORGE You are!

ELAINE It felt like a couple of levels.

THE KID GETS IN THE CAR. GEORGE IS STUNNED.

JERRY You should always carry a pad and pen. GEORGE I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum. KRAMER I have a pen.

KID You are!

GEORGE I should've hit the little son-of-abitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.

THEY REACT... KRAMER (RE: CAR) I found it! JERRY Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."

ELAINE He's got it. KRAMER Oh...no.

MOTHER (O.C.) Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?

JERRY All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?

ELAINE Look at that woman.

ELAINE Jerry, look at my fish.

SHE'S HITTING HER BOY ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.

JERRY HOLDS UP THE BAG AND HITS IT WITH HIS FINGER.

MOTHER I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait.

JERRY His eyes look a little cloudy. GEORGE Oh are they gonna be furious.

GEORGE (TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary? MOTHER (TO GEORGE) Why don't you mind your own business?

JERRY Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before! KRAMER It was easy the last time.

GEORGE I think hitting a defenseless child is my business. KID (TO GEORGE) You're ugly.

ELAINE My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.

JERRY No one's going to do that.

BACK TO ELAINE, SEEKING OUT A MAN WITH A BEARD.

ELAINE SPOTS A FORTY-ISH, STYLISH COUPLE WALKING TO THEIR CAR. ELAINE Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look. MAN #1 (HOLDING UP) ...Sorry.

HIS

HANDS

ELAINE Excuse me... HE IGNORES WALKING.

HER

AND

KEEPS

ELAINE (CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.

ELAINE Five minutes. JERRY It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.

MAN #1 Can't do it. ELAINE We're not wilding. THEY LEAVE. SHE APPROACHES TWO GIRLS EARLY TWENTIES, MALL KIDS.

KRAMER You drank a whole bottle of water. -

ELAINE (CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me... THEY START LAUGHING. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?

JERRY I know. KRAMER So why don't you just go? JERRY No I can't. KRAMER Don't you get tired of following rules? JERRY You think I'm too cautious? KRAMER: Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic. JERRY: Organic. So's Buddy Hackett. KRAMER: Buddy Hackett?

THEY IGNORE HER AND KEEP LAUGHING. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.

JERRY: He's a comedian. KRAMER: I know.

JERRY Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?

JERRY: All right. All right.

KRAMER Right here at the mall.

KRAMER: (pointing) You can go over here.

JERRY Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?

JERRY: I can manage. KRAMER: (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)

SECURITY GUARD That's up to you.

KRAMER It'll take you ten seconds.

JERRY So you don't care if I die.

HE NUDGES JERRY.

SECURITY GUARD What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility. JERRY It was life and death.

JERRY Okay, okay. I'll be right back. WE STAY WITH JERRY AS HE WALKS TO THE BACK OF A CAR, LOOKS AROUND LIKE SUPERMAN, THEN LETS FLY. HE FINISHES, ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS AND SEES A SECURITY GUARD STARING AT HIM WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED.

SECURITY GUARD Uh huh.

SECURITY GUARD Okay, let's go. Come with me.

JERRY Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.

JERRY But... SECURITY GUARD Come on. JERRY (STARTS TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer

LEAVE,

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE C INT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE - A SMALL ROOM WITH A DESK AND A CHAIR. JERRY PLEADS FOR HIS RELEASE. JERRY I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.

JERRY Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law. SECURITY GUARD I don't know.

JERRY (C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck. SECURITY GUARD You can tell the police all about it. CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE D INT. PARKING GARAGE GEORGE, KRAMER, AND ELAINE. KRAMER (CALLING OUT) Jerry!

SECURITY GUARD Well you're still not allowed.

ELAINE Jerry!

GEORGE Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story. ELAINE Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him. GEORGE Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes. GEORGE If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you. ELAINE No, no, I'll be back.

CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE E INT. SECURITY OFFICE - JERRY AND THE SECURITY GUARD. JERRY First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know. SECURITY GUARD I know what you did. JERRY Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating.

SHE LEAVES. GEORGE Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.

JERRY (CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.

KRAMER Does that bother you?

SECURITY GUARD Yeah I'm sure.

GEORGE Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you? KRAMER Not at all.

JERRY You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.

GEORGE See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?

CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE F INT. PARKING GARAGE ELAINE, LOOKING FOR JERRY. SHE'S TALKING TO AN OLDER BLACK MAN ABOUT TO GET IN HIS CAR.

KRAMER I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.

ELAINE And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him. MAN #1 I can't do it.

GEORGE Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?

ELAINE But why? Why can't you do it? MAN #1 I can't.

ELAINE No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.

KRAMER What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?

MAN #1 That's right. GEORGE Who's Killer Kowalski? ELAINE But why? Why don't you want to? MAN #1 I don't know.

KRAMER He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.

ELAINE But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?

GEORGE I've gotta go to the bathroom.

MAN #1 No, I wouldn't.

KRAMER So go. GEORGE Here?

CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE G INT. SECURITY SHACK - JERRY (A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.

KRAMER (SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry.

JERRY (CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years. CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE H INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE AND KRAMER, STILL LOOKING FOR THE CAR. KRAMER The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundredfifty pounds. GEORGE (NOT INTERESTED) Really.

GEORGE WALKS OUT OF THE FRAME AS KRAMER CONTINUES TO SCAN THE GARAGE. CUT TO GEORGE FINISHING UP. HE ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS, STARTLED. CUT TO THE SAME SECURITY GUARD, ARMS FOLDED, STARING AT HIM. CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE J INT. SECURITY OFFICE - GEORGE BEING LED IN BY THE SECURITY GUARD. GEORGE Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life... SECURITY GUARD Oh your folks have an anniversary today too? NOW GEORGE SPOTS JERRY. SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D) (TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison? GEORGE (TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED) A Red Chinese prison? CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE K INT. PARKING GARAGE KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY. KRAMER George! George! CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE L INT. PARKING GARAGE

- ELAINE Jerry! THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH... DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE M INT. PARKING GARAGE JERRY AND GEORGE ARE BACK IN THE GARAGE EACH HOLDING THEIR SUMMONS. JERRY Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy. JERRY Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.

parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying. MAN #2 Can't do it. ELAINE I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish? MAN #3 Sorry. THEY KEEP WALKING. ELAINE That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed. THEY LOOK BACK AT HER. ELAINE (CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that? GEORGE Elaine, shut-up.

ELAINE (O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?! JERRY Hey, where's Kramer? ELAINE (O.C.) Jerry! Over here... NOW THEY SPOT HER. ELAINE (CONT'D) Where have you been? JERRY I was arrested for urinating. GEORGE (PROUDLY) Me too. ELAINE You what? JERRY I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know. ELAINE Look at my fish... JERRY EXAMINES IT... ELAINE (CONT'D) Is he... JERRY No, but he's not looking good... ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR... ELAINE (DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the

GEORGE I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer? ELAINE I thought he was with you. GEORGE See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen... HE LOOKS AT JERRY'S WATCH AND THROWS HIS HANDS UP. GEORGE (CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it. ELAINE Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side? GEORGE We came in over there! ELAINE We didn't come in over there! JERRY Where's Kramer?

JERRY SEES THE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN THEY TALKED ABOUT EARLIER, AMY.

ELAINE Hi, I'm Elaine. JERRY Jerry.

JERRY Hey George, there she is again. ... AMY Hello. GEORGE So what do you want me to do? JERRY Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.

ELAINE It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me.

GEORGE That is an opening. GEORGE TENTATIVELY APPROACHES HER...

AMY I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy. GEORGE Hi Amy, I'm George.

GEORGE (CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if... AMY Oh sure, I'll drive you around. GEORGE You will? AMY Sure. GEORGE WAVES FOR JERRY AND ELAINE. GEORGE Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here. AMY I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals. GEORGE Yeah, right.

GEORGE TURNS TO THE BACK SEAT AND GIVES AND GIVE A, "HOW BOUT THIS?" LOOK. DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE N INT. PARKING GARAGE - MINUTES LATER LONG SHOT OF CAR - THE BRAKES SQUEAL AND THE CAR COMES TO AN ABRUPT STOP, THEN GEORGE, ELAINE, AND JERRY GET OUT. GEORGE (TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were... SHE PULLS OUT, LEAVING RUBBER, THEN: GEORGE (CONT'D) ...with that group. ELAINE (SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish?

JERRY Filthy pigs. THEY ALL GET IN THE CAR.

JERRY Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.

GEORGE It's a blue Honda...

ELAINE I'll say.

AMY This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.

THEY TURN TO GEORGE, WHO'S GAPING AT SOMETHING.

ELAINE What is it? THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT: ELAINE (CONT'D) The car!

KRAMER: It's purple 23. Remember that. GEORGE Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.

JERRY The car! THEY GET IN THE CAR. GEORGE The car! KRAMER What time is it? ELAINE We found it. I can't believe it! GEORGE Seven forty-five. THEY WALK TO GEORGE STOPS.

IT...SUDDENLY

GEORGE Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!

KRAMER Well at least there's no traffic. GEORGE Right. KRAMER What time does that play start? GEORGE Eight o'clock.

JERRY Kramer! THEY ALL SLUMP AGAINST THE CAR. ELAINE HOLDS UP HER FISH... DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE P INT. PARKING GARAGE - ONE HOUR LATER SAME SHOT - BUT NO FISH. IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN MAKE OUT KRAMER STRUGGLING WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER. JERRY TAPS ELAINE WITH HIS ELBOW. ELAINE TAPS GEORGE. WE STAY ON KRAMER AS HE GETS CLOSER. JERRY Kramer.

KRAMER That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of... JERRY INDICATES HE SHOULDN'T PURSUE THAT. KRAMER (CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here? SILENCE. HE STARTS UP THE CAR AND AS THEY HEAD OUT... FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO END OF EPISODE

KRAMER Jerry? JERRY Yeah, over here. AS KRAMER APPROACHES: KRAMER Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was? GEORGE Purple 23.

<Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"> Advertisement Keep your car safe while away on vacation with trusted airport parking. Get an open spot while traveling by calling ahead for aiport parking reservations. Learn about

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Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact The Cafe Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

Episode #307 Originally Aired: November 6, 1991 Transcribed by: Juha Auvinen Cast: Jerry Seinfeld....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest starring: Brian George [Babu Bhatt] Dawn Arnemann [Monica] Written by: Tom Leopold Directed by: Tom Cherones [Opening monologue.] There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.' [George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across the street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says Grand opening.] George: She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice. Jerry: This is amazing, I haven't seen one guy going in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy.

George: Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?

Jerry: What thing?

Jerry: What's that smell? What are you wearing?

George: You don't listen when people talk to you anymore!

George: Little cologne.

Jerry: Oh, the IQ thing...yeah.

Jerry: Manly.

George: I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.

George: Monica wants me to wear it. Jerry: What did you get? Jerry: So why didn't you say no? George: I'm too nice.

George: What did I get or what do I say I got?

Jerry: Poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan waiting him to send back money. This is horrible.

Jerry: What do you say?

George: She wants me to take an IQ test.

Jerry: 1409, that's a good score.

Jerry: That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.

George: You're telling me.

George: I say fourteen o nine (1409).

Jerry: What did you really get? George: No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, I have to be a guinea pig.

George: You are my friend. Jerry: Of course.

Jerry: I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody. George: You know, I can't talk to you anymore.

George: I tell you everything, right? Jerry: I hope so. George: Well, this I take to the grave.

Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test. George: Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart. Jerry: Who thinks you're smart? George: I'm not going to break a hundred in this thing.

[Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars and Elaine is reading a newspaper.] Jerry: He's serving Mexican ,Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one is going in. Elaine: Why do you keep watching?

Jerry: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for awhile.

Jerry: No, I'm afraid if we start talking, I'm gonna wind up going partners with him.

Elaine: And then you flush.

George: Hi.

Jerry: Well, it's a spider.

Jerry: You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.

Elaine: You know, sometimes people won't go in to a place, if they don't see anyone else in there. [Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.] Elaine: You have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.

[George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.]

[Elaine sniffs around.] George: I'm wearing some cologne, all right? Elaine: Sure, fine. Jerry: Casus belli.

Jerry: Bazooka Joe. Elaine: Casus belli. [Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at Elaine who is closer to the door.]

George: What's that?

Jerry: The buzzer.

Elaine: Since when do you wear cologne?

Elaine: It's your house.

George: Why what I do is so important? Why must I be always the vocal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.

Jerry: My house? You have to be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah?

Jerry: Hey, how did you do on that IQ test? Intercom: It's George. George: I didn't take it yet. Jerry: Come on up. Elaine: What IQ test? Elaine: Casus belli. George: What's casus belli. Jerry: What's that? Jerry: Oh, it's nothing... Elaine: It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud. Jerry: Go in, go in! Elaine: Have you gone in there?

George: Is it about me? Jerry: Why must you always be the vocal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?

Elaine: It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?

George: You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out the window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor.

Jerry: This woman he's dating is making him to take this IQ test for this course.

Elaine: Are you serious? George: Why not?

Elaine: Oh, that sounds like fun. Elaine: Where would I take the test? George: Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing. Elaine: You'll do well, you're smart. Jerry: No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.

George: I don't know, she lives right around the corner. Take it here or go to the coffee shop. Elaine: No, that would be too noisy.

Elaine: What did you get on your SAT's?

Jerry: Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep.

George: It varies.

Elaine: Hey, what do you think?

Jerry: You know, I don't even know my IQ.

Jerry: Hey, I love a good caper.

Elaine: Mine's 145.

Elaine: Yeah, that's what is is, a caper.

George: 145!

George: You'll do it?

Jerry: Get out of here!

Elaine: What the hey.

Elaine: You get out of here!

George: Yeaah, beautiful...[They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.] Sorry...

Jerry: You get out of here! George: You should take the test for me.

[Dream Cafe. Jerry comes in.] Jerry: Well, that would be something, cheating on a IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.

Babu Bhatt: Welcome to the Dream Cafe. Jerry: Well, I've been looking forward to it. Babu: Oh, how did you hear about us?

George: Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why wouldn't we do that again? Elaine: What?

Jerry: Eh, people, people are talking.

Babu: Smoking or non smoking? We are proud to offer both.

Monica: Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything.

Jerry: Non smoking would be great.

George: Are you kidding me? This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons intelligence.

Babu: Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot face cloth for your pleasure. Jerry: Thank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.] Babu: Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.

Monica: Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it. George: Well, I think you're wrong about that. And now if you would excuse me, I would like to get started please. Monica: Good luck.

Jerry: Well, what do you recommend my good fellow? Babu: Oh, the turkey. Jerry: Oh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here , my friend. I'm sure you flourish in this location for many many years. Babu: You're a very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind... Jerry thinks: Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a nobel price?

George: Don't need it. [Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is waiting.] Elaine: What's been going on in there? I've been standing here for 20 minutes. George: I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this. Elaine: All right, what time do you want me back here. George: Eh, twenty to three. Elaine: Ok. George: Thanks again.

[George is taking a test at Monica's bedroom.] George: You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here. Monica: But why? George: I can't concentrate in front of you.

Elaine: All right. George: And don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. [Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for Jerry.]

Jerry: Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.

hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back. Jerry: So?

Babu: It is in deed my pleasure. Kramer: Well, I'm not giving it back. Jerry: Oh, please... Jerry: Why not? [Elaine comes in.] Babu: Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials today... Elaine: Oh, no no I'll just have a tea and toast.

Kramer: Because I meat a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. Why do you think my mother went out with him? [Kramer takes some nachos and spills some to Elaine's test.]

Babu: Tea and toast. Kramer: Oh, gees... Jerry: Eat something! Babu... Elaine: Um, ok, I'll have the rigatoni. Babu: Oh, very good choice. Very good. [Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.]

Elaine: Yeah, ok...[takes the test and goes to another table.] Kramer: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that? Jerry: Statute.

Jerry: Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating.

Kramer: What?

Elaine: I know.

Jerry: Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.

[Kramer comes in.]

Kramer: No, statue.

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.

Jerry: Hey.

Kramer: Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?

Kramer: Oh boy. Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine...

Elaine: Statute. Elaine: Hey. Kramer: Oh, I really think you're wrong. Kramer: This guy leaves this jacket at my mothers house two years ago. Now, she

Elaine: Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a long of time.

Kramer: What test?

George: Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer.

Elaine: An IQ test.

Monica: George!

Kramer: Why do you take an IQ test?

George: Wish I could.

Elaine: It's for George. Kramer: George? Elaine: Yeah, can I...can I explain it to you later?

[Dream Cafe. Babu is singing and Elaine gets distracted.] Babu: Ladadeeda, laadadeeda.... Elaine: Babu! If you don't mind?

Kramer: Why are you taking an IQ test for George?

[Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks down a cup of coffee.]

Elaine: Would you please?! Elaine: Oh my God! It's all over the test! Kramer: What, is it for a job or something? Babu: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Elaine: Later! Kramer: You're positive it's statute?

Elaine: Oh man! Look at this...and I'm late anyway.

Elaine: Yes, yes!

Babu: Please, forgive me, please...

Babu: Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face cloth...[gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams and falls from his chair.]

Jerry: Go ahead, I'll take care of it. Babu: I'm very sorry. Tell your friends! Jerry: It's all right, she was cheating anyway.

[Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica is trying to get in. The door is locked.]

Babu: You're a very kind man. Jerry: Babu, you're Pakistani?

Monica: George? Babu: Yes, Pakistani, yes. George: Yeah? Jerry: Babu, may I say something? Monica: The door is locked. George: Oh, it's locked? Monica: I need to get something.

Babu: Of course, you're a very smart man, I'll listen. Jerry: I'm not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might

serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to franks and beans for example.

George: Piece of cake. Monica: What happened to the test?

Babu: But there are no Pakistani people here.

George: What? I spilled some food on it.

Jerry: Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.

Monica: Food? What food?

Babu: Yes, you see everything, don't you?

Monica: Where did you get food?

Jerry: Well, not everything. I do what I can.

George: From my pocket.

Babu: I'll close down today and when I open again it'll be whole Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you very much, you're very special person, very special.

Monica: What?

George: What are you talking about?

George: I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket. Monica: And coffee?

[Babu leaves] George: Yeah, had some coffee, yeah. Jerry thinking: I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be?

Monica: Where did you get the coffee? George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, from the grocery store.

[Elaine is giving the test back to George.]

Monica: How did you get there?

Elaine: It was an accident.

George: I walked.

George: What did you go on a picnic?

Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.

Elaine: Babu Bhatt did it. George: I climbed out the window. George: Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this?

Monica: You climbed out the window?

Monica: Time's up George.

George: Of course.

George: Ok. [George opens the door.] Here you go.

Monica: Why didn't you go out the door?

Monica: How did you do?

George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here.

Elaine: 85? Monica: You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.

Jerry: Well, well, well... Elaine: He's coming up?

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry and Elaine. Jerry is looking Dream cafe with binoculars. There's a sign on the window: Closed for renovation.] Jerry: Most people in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me. Elaine: You're very special.

Jerry: Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds. Elaine: Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous. Jerry: Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...

[Kramer enters.] [George comes in looking angry.] Kramer: Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.

George: Oh, hello professor. Elaine: George, I cannot believe...

Jerry: Of course, I always do. George: Please... Kramer: No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket. Elaine: Just give it back to him. Kramer: Oh, he'll have to kill me. [leaves.]

Elaine: No there has got be a mistake. George: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

[Jerry sees George from the window.] Jerry: But an 85? Jerry: Hey Georgie! George: Coming up.

Elaine: There were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.

Jerry: How did you do on the IQ test?! Jerry mocking: It was a madhouse. George: 85! Elaine: Jerry! It was! Let me take it again. Jerry: What?!! George: Whow, forget it. George: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ ! [Jerry laughs.]

Elaine: Oh, come on, come on. I guarantee 140. What do you have to lose?

George: You could do worst! Elaine: No, no, I guarantee it. George: All right, I'll ask her. Elaine: Ok, now where I'm going to take it.

You know the IQ test has always that sample question at the beginning where they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first eliminating point right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle, yeah you wanna come with us, yeah you're done, the test is over, you went outside the circle ok?

Jerry: Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions. [Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test and is packing the stuff.] [Dream Cafe. Babu is on the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes in.] Jerry: Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.

[Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.] Elaine: What are you doing? Kramer: Quiet. Shh, don't say anything.

Babu: You see how I listened. I worked very hard, borrowed more money. Jerry: I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm. Babu: You wish to eat? Jerry: Let me tell you something Babu. You go back there in that kitchen and tell your chef I want the works.

Elaine: What's going on? Man behind the door: Hey, Kramer! I saw you going there! I'm not leaving until I get the jacket. [Bangs on the door] Open up Kramer! Elaine: Why did you come in here for? Kramer: I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.

Babu: Very good. Jerry thinking: Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great.

Elaine: Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here. Kramer: I thought you took the test.

[Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.]

Elaine: I had to take it again. Kramer: How come?

[Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.]

Elaine: What's the difference?!! Kramer: Well, you can't leave now.

[Jerry's monologue.] Elaine: What?

Man behind the door: Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back! Kramer: Never! [Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.] Monica: George, open up.

Jerry: You know, I think I'll just take the check. Babu: You bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves] Jerry thinking: Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong? [Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica comes to open.]

[George opens the door.] Monica: Are you looking for George? Monica: Well? Elaine: Well eh, kind of.... [George shakes her hand.] Monica: George left. George: How' you doing? Elaine: Oh. Monica: Where's the test? Monica: Is that the test? George: You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee...

Elaine: Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go. Monica: Thanks. I hope you did do a lot better this time.

[Dream Cafe. Babu is looking as Jerry eats.] Jerry: Babu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken? Babu: The shrimp is stringy? Jerry: Well, maybe your refrigerator... Babu: Quiet!! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody comes! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!

Elaine: Actually, you know what, I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons... [Monica closes the window]...entreat. [At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and men are carrying furniture out.] [George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer has no jacket on.] Jerry: You know what it was, bad location. George: Lets not stand here, we might run in to her. Jerry: Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?

Kramer: Yeah... Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. Kramer: I'm going upstairs. [Elaine comes.]

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Elaine: Hey guys, I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151. Jerry: 151? George: That's a good score. Jerry: So, what are you up for? How about Mexican? George: Italian. Elaine: No, Chinese. Jerry: You know, what would be great?

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[George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.] [Closing monologue.] It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman, your Spiderman, your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?" Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details

transcribed by Mohamel, March 2000

Episode 25 Jerry Seinfeld: Himself George Costanza: Jason Alexander Kramer: Michael Richards Elaine: Julia Louis- Dreyfus Repairman:John Apicella Ping: Ping Wu

Written by Larry David and Bob Shaw & Don McEnery

Repairman: So I took off the motor relay on the compressor....'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration

Directed: David Steinberg Jerry: Oh! well whatever you have to do.

Opening monologue

Repairman: I was working with one.....mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor. Jerry: (sarcastically) No you don't..

Jerry: ....hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know keep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over. "We got the hair but I think we lost

George enters the apartment. George: Hey! what are listening to? Jerry: My show from last night. George: Oh! you taped it? Jerry: Yeah , I was doing new material. George: Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said .

the Zest."

Jerry: Huh?

....rejects the transplant with organs.

George: Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so

Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . Guy just standin' there and suddenly... ..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in someone's frozen yogurt.

big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot. Jerry: The" coup d-toe"

Jerry's apartment. A repairman is working on his fridge , Jerry doing work with headphones on.

George: Yeah. Did you do it?

Repairman: .....The gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical.

George: So?

Jerry: Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely listening to him )

Jerry: Yeah!

Jerry: Nothin'.....nothing at all. George: Need to use the phone.

Jerry: Who you calling?

George: I did, I'm trying to call China.

George: China.

Kramer: You can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there

Jerry: China really? Jerry; Oh! my God!.... George: Yeah. I'll pay for it. George: What? Jerry: What for? George: What for? . I'll tell you what for.... for hair. Jerry: Hair? George: The Chinese have done it my friend . The Chinese have done it.

Jerry: Oh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this.

Jerry: Done what? George: Discovered a cure for baldness. Repairman: Did you see that last night? George: It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder) This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau. has discovered a cure for baldness.

George: (George puts on the headphones) Oh! my god... Kramer: Give me it..( tries to pull them off George's head) George: Wa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman? Jerry: I don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on.

Jerry: ( to Kramer) What's this? Kramer: Well I just got it. Spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist. George: Is that the guy who likes fat women? Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism. Kramer: ( to George) You , you know what you should've done is watching that report on CNN last night.

George: This is like a Penthouse letter...Why can't I meet women like this? Kramer: All right Come on....again attempts to pull headphones off) George: WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where was the tape recorder? Jerry: It was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it. George: My god!!!

Kramer: C'mon it's my turn.

Elaine: What did she say?

George: All right, All right, all, right!! ( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is?

Peter: Seinfeld.....( from way in the back of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device to have Jerry leave the

Jerry: Good question.

table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk)

Kramer: Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!!

Jerry: Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf.( leaves table) Elaine: So did you hear this message?

Cut to Monks George: Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable George: What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness? Jerry: If it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen. Elaine: Hi boys. Both: Hello... Elaine: What's happening? Jerry: Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction. George: This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder...... Jerry: (pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!

Elaine: Really! George: Yeah. I can't get over it. Elaine: Huh! Sexy? George: This woman drove us out of our minds Elaine: Like ...humm...How did she sound? George: She had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper. Elaine: Really , like a... like a....(leans over to George and whispers) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....

George: What??

George: Oh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That was you?....

Jerry: The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure.

Elaine: Shhhhhh!!!

George: I thought you meant the..

George: how did ya?...

Jerry: No I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure.

Elaine: I stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?,

Jerry: She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults.

and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse. Ha Ha Ha Ha....What?

Things you would know very little about. Elaine: Oh! really.

George: Oh! no no nothing.... Elaine: Now listen , promise me you won't tell him Okay.I want to have a little fun with this.

Jerry: Well this type of things is very common when you're in show business. Elaine: So what, Are you gonna ask her out.

George: I had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality..

Jerry: No I can't she didn't leave her name or number.

Elaine: Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what about this bald thing?

Elaine: Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her . I'm taking off.

George: Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing

George: Wh.. Where you going? Elaine: Home. George: Why you going home for?

Jerry comes back Jerry: Remember Peter?

Elaine: Well , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place.

George: Peter?

Jerry: Sure.

Jerry: You remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.

Back to Jerry's George: Oh! my god. Oh! man...

Elaine: So listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder? Jerry: Oh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say? Elaine: I don't know.

Jerry: I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her. Elaine: (coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge.

George: (phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing? Jerry: Why are you doing this? George: Why do I do anything? tsss...For women. Jerry: Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man?

Kramer: Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes? Jerry: Well yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.

Elaine: No.

George: English. Does anybody speak English .Nobody speaks English.

Jerry: You know what that makes you?...A baldist.

Kramer: So What scene are you ready to shoot now , Elaine?

George: Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does anyone speak English?

George: In this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to George who is still on the phone)

Elaine: ( to Kramer who just got in with his camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping. Kramer: Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with her hair flirtingly)

Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him. Door buzzer rings

Elaine: Aah! Okaaay. Kramer: Well we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture "Elaine does the Upper West side" Elaine: ( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'?

Kramer: That's my Chinese food...So George is this your first movie with Elaine? George: (visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno. Kramer: So Elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated? Elaine: Oh. it's always simulated....except with George that's in my contract.

Kramer: I'm doin' fine. George: Do you speak English?...English!!

George: All right, Kramer that's it..... ( pushes the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone speak English

Kramer: ( to the Chinese delivery boy) How much do I owe you?

Ping: Get a money order from the Bank of China , be here three days after they get check.

Ping: $15.90. George leaves all excited. Kramer: $15.90.? George: Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you speak chinese? Ping: Chinese....Yeah.

Ping: (continues his phone call) Ha Pachini fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin fousher... Jerry: ( as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me ( Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive call.

George: Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with the hair restauration clinic. Could you talk to them for On a street at night in George's car me and tell them I'd like to place an order. Ping: (sounds like) Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son thai gettin my chon fai yu.( looks at George and laughs)

Elaine: Thanks for driving me home. What did I do to deserve this? George: Yoohoo ,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in?

George: They got a billion people over there and he found a relative. Ping: Ah Fuka suma. If you send money they send cream. George: They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does it really work? Ping: Gym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin

Elaine: Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do something? George: yeah....euh...I dunno What? Elaine: Pffft....there's really nothing to do. George: ( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah..... Elaine: Do you think of anything?..

George: Ask' em Are there any side effects?

George: No, no....(mumbles)

Ping: Dowe o futo yum.... Impotence. .... ( makes a just kidding gesture)

Elaine: I am up for anything.

George: Aw! Funny he's a funny guy.

George: Really...(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)......I have to say...You were really good doing that porno thing....you're talented.

Elaine: I was just kiddin, around.......

got.

George: I thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . That was really funny.

George; Guess, what I got.

Elaine: ( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?.

George: From China. All the way from China.

George; So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.

Kramer: Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera.

Elaine: Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride.

George: No Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe

Elaine gets out of the car , George tries to catch his breath.

in the Chinese.

Jerry: Oh! Is that the bald stuff?

Jerry: Yes I am skeptical. Back to Jerry's. Jerry: ..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely... Kramer: What is that? Jerry: That's my cockney accent.

George: Why do you have to be so suspicious of every one. This is a great man Zeng Zau, he wants to help bald people. Kramer: W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A little bit to the right. Jerry: Make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help.... George: All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom)

kramer: Naw ,na , that's no good. Kramer: He's a happy camper huh? Jerry: Lets hear yours. Kramer: Not bloody likely..

Jerry: Happy camper , I don't hear that expression enough.

Jerry: That's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.( George enters) Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I

Kramer; Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house.

Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud

Elaine: I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night? Jerry: Well , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business

Jerry: No kidding? Kramer: He's in jail. Jerry: What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him?

Elaine: Well listen I'm going to (?) do you want me to stop by? George: Did she say Hello? Jerry: What? I dunno.

Kramer: That's what I intend to find out. (George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head)

George: I mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back?

Jerry: You can see it. You gonna walk around like that?

Jerry: I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos.

Kramer: It stinks. Can you smell that?....You stink.

George: Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello?

Jerry: How long are you suppose to leave it on for?

Jerry: She's coming up. George: Elaine's coming up?

George: All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks up)

Jerry: Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs back to the bathroom)

Jerry: Hello. Elaine: It's Elaine Marie Benes. Jerry: Well Hello.. Elaine: Hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was?

Kramer: How often do you cut your toe nails? Jerry: I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.

Jerry: Yes , I got her number.

Kramer: 'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle

George: Is that Elaine?

with my big toe.

Jerry: Yeah.

Jerry: The big toe; The captain.

George: HI ELAINE...

Kramer: What?

Jerry; The captain of the toes. ( phone rings) Hello. Elaine: Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it.

Jerry: (to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in

Jerry: Okay....too bad. my life. I get the Pull Back. Elaine: So humm....When you gonna call her?

Door buzzer

Jerry: Soon as I get off the phone wih you.

Jerry: Yeah..

Elaine: Good luck.

George: It's George.

Jerry: okay , bye ( to George) What happened , did you take it off?

Jerry: Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's he doing here now?

George: Yeah, that was enough.

Kramer: So , you blew it?

Jerry: That's it, you gave up?

Jerry: She must be psychotic or something.

George: No No I'm system...Who was that?

working

Kramer: Let me have her number. Jerry: I'm not giving you her number.

Jerry: That was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over. As Jerry dials the girls number, George races to the bathroom one more time.

Kramer: I know how to handle these psychotics. George comes in wearing a huge cowboy hat.

Alicia: Hello. Jerry: Sheriff?........What's with the hat? Jerry: Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld. Alicia: Yeah.

Kramer: (George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink.

jerry: This is Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry: What are doing here now?

Cuts to commercial. Back to Jerry's after an implied date with Alicia

George: I have to talk to you about something .

Kramer: All right lets take a look to see what we got ( examines George's head) Wait a second..

Kramer: 'bout what? Jerry: It's kinda private.

I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape.

Kramer: Like the big toe captain..

George: Aahh..No..No..

George: So now you're doing my bits?

Jerry: What's up?

Jerry: I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!

George: I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds.

Kramer: Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves)

Jerry: So just start it.

Jerry: Does she know?

George: I can't.

George: NO!!

Jerry: Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there.

Jerry: How did it happen? George: I can't say.

C'mon so what is this about? Jerry: Well, why can't you say it? George: All right.........I've become attracted to Elaine.. Kramer burst in with is video setup.

George: Because I promised her. Jerry: I thought you just said she doesn't know??

Kramer; All right....Sit down George. George: She doesn't. George: Kramer, can we do this later.. Jerry: So how can you promise her? Kramer: No, I got the tape right here. George: Because she asked me to. Jerry: Kramer, let's do this later. Kramer: (ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape that we made earlier and I think ,that I see. a couple of buds

Jerry: What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?

right here.

George: All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice

George: Really? ..You think.

on your tape recorder.

Jerry: Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please.

Jerry: What, Elaine?

George: Yeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke.

Elaine: I was the one who talked into your tape recorder.

Jerry: (picks up the headphones) That was Elaine...

Jerry; I know, George told me. Elaine; You told him!!!!

George: Well let me hear....( they struggle for the headphones) Jerry: Wait a second. .Just give me a second

George: He..He threatened me. Jerry: Where did you come up with all that stuff?

George: You heard it fifty times already. Elaine: That was nothing. Jerry: She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence

George: Elaine.. I have to tell you something...

Door Buzzer Jerry: George NO!! Jerry: Yeaaaah!!! George: No no no no no no no.. Elaine: Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time? Jerry: George I'm telling ya.. George grabs his hat and rushes to the bathroom again. George: ( Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell her anything , she'll kill me!!

Elaine: What is it? George: I'm very attracted to you.. Jerry: Aye......

Jerry: Okay, Okay ,I promise. ( puts on the headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God.. Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa ( Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly) Elaine: ( Concerned) What's the matter?

Kramer comes in and yells Kramer: I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this.

Jerry: Oooh! I got a pain in my side. Elaine: ( to George returning) Hi George. Something stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, she nods) Jerry: What are you doing here?

George: Ever since I found out that you let that message on Jerry's tape recorder I... Credits start to roll Kramer: Whoa!!!....That was you? Elaine: It was a joke...

Kramer: Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my god...Oh yeah....Elaine , I can't believe that that is

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you. Elaine: Aah.... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons ,all looking at her with lust.) I think I'll get going...

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George: Heuh. huh. Stick around a while. Jerry: It's early. Kramer: We'll order Chinese. She leaves and they all scramble for the tape recorder.

End

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[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Peter Mehlman ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode no. 26 pc: 309, season 3, episode 9 Broadcast date: November 21, 1991 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars: Susan Diol....................... Audrey Roy Brocksmith................... Landlord Tawny Kitaen..................... Isabel Joseph V. Perry.................. Newsstand Owner David Blackwood.................. Interviewer

Jerry: I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The Opening monologue.

words just came out of my mouth.

Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see is typing everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the words on there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in the roller of the typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-ahalf feet up. "Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there, only I'm allowed up here."

George: Wow. What'd you say? (flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator) Jerry: You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England. (end of flashback) George: Wow. Jerry: Can you believe I did that? George: What did she say? (another flashback) Isabel: What crop circles? (end of flashback) Jerry: Not a good sign.

First scene. Jerry and George are at a newsstand. George: Where'd you meet her? Jerry: I met her on an elevator. George: On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?

George: Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) Do you know what the crop circles are? Newsstand owner: Crop circles? Why don't you buy something? Jerry: You got something in your teeth there.

Jerry: Impossible, right?

George: What?

George: You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb.

Jerry: It's green.

What got into you?

George: Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all

afternoon. Jerry: Did you bump into anybody you knew? George: I had a job interview. Jerry: How'd it go?

psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big. Jerry: Yeah, she's got a big nose. George: I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big. (momentary flashback tremendous nose)

Audrey's

George: Take a guess. Jerry: It's a schnoz. (flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's spinached

George: Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little

teeth.) short of perfection. Interviewer: Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time,

Jerry: A little.

but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.

George: So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be

George: Ok, thanks.

grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have

(end of flashback) Jerry: What do you need a job, you got Audrey. George: Yeah, right. Jerry: What's the matter?

to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I

George: Oh, nothing. look at her, I see nose. Jerry: What? Jerry: Stop being so concerned with looks. George: You won't think I'm a bad person? Jerry: Too late for that.

(momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number)

George: 'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a

Jerry: Have you said anything to her about it?

George: I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a

Elaine: Are you coming with me?

smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be

Kramer: Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc, Peter Von Nostrand.

out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And

George: Why don't you just commit yourself already?

I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.

Audrey: What is so special about this jacket?

Jerry: Alright, shut up, here they come.

Elaine: He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.

George (waving): How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.

Audrey: What's the smudge on your hand? Kramer: Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going

New scene. Jerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza at Jerry's

back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge. George: What, you didn't wash all day?

apartment. Kramer: So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house

Kramer: Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man.

so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he

Audrey: It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually

takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So

find it kind of intimidating.

Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that

Kramer: Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job.

you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.

Elaine: Kramer! Kramer: What? What?

Elaine: Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter? Kramer: No no, he's never met her. She's in California.

Elaine: How could you say something like that?!

Kramer: What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.

Audrey: Elaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back.

Elaine: No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.

What are you thinking about? George: Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?

Audrey: No, it's ok. Elaine: What did you have to say that for?

Audrey: You look like you've got something on your mind.

Kramer: Well, I was just trying to help out. Elaine: Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.

George: Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) So how about that Kramer, huh?

Kramer: You see what happens when you try to be nice?

Audrey: How about him? George: They way he just says stuff. Audrey: He sure does.

Mid-episode monologue.

George: Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.

But what would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all

Audrey: So, what did you think?

the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About

George: About the pizza? Audrey: No, about the nose job.

thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big." "That's ok,

George: Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?

your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye, ok, thank you

Audrey: Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know.

very much."

George: Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined.

New scene. George and apartment.

And again, I'm not suggesting. Audrey

are

Elaine's

Audrey: I know, they're good.

George: Peter Jennings had one. Audrey: Really?

Elaine: Well, I think you should accept her for who she is.

George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class

Audrey: No, George is right. I want to get one.

had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

Elaine: I think it's a mistake.

Audrey: Uh huh.

George: Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.

George: It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist. New scene. Audrey: I hate the dentist. Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. George: It's a cleaning. Audrey: So you really think I should do this? George: If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you this: Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone

George: I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it. Jerry: Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes. George (checking his watch): Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock.

it, but it's a fact of life. Jerry: We have time. Audrey: Well, maybe I should. George: What the hell. Elaine (barging in): Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job? George: Me? I didn't say anything. Elaine: You encouraged her to get one.

George: It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face. Jerry: It is exciting. George: Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but... Jerry: Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever

George: I didn't encourage. No encourage. Elaine: Peter Jennings had one? George: It's possible.

met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so

attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

just completely uninhibited. George: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.

George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.

Jerry: It's not like that at all.

Jerry: Then what? George: He still wins but it's not a blowout.

New scene.

Jerry: She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting

Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment.

scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless,

Elaine: How do you even know the jacket is there?

I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.

Kramer: Well I don't, I'm guessing.

(flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment) Jerry (holding up a piece of paper): I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help

George: Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine,

me. Audrey: George? Kramer (taking the paper and tearing it to pieces): I'm proud of you.

George: Yeah?

(end of flashback)

Audrey: Enough.

Jerry: So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.

Jerry: Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road.

George: Good for you.

Elaine: Are you sure you want us here for this?

Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was

Audrey: Yes.

Jerry: Shouldn't a doctor do it? Audrey: No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes. George: Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.

George: Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it? Elaine: No, it didn't. No, it didn't. George: It's like, all dented. Elaine: Seems to be.

Audrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their horror.

George: Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern

Elaine: It looks good. Jerry: Great job. Kramer: You got butchered.

science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--

George faints. Elaine: Shut up, George. An undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George to his feet.

George: Shut up?

Jerry: Let's put him over here.

Elaine: Yeah.

Kramer (to a fleeing Audrey): Where are you going?

George: Interesting.

Audrey (with hand covering nose): To the doctor! Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you. Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George. Elaine: How ya feeling?

New scene. Jerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring a bowl of cereal, Jerry has cracked. Jerry: Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number!

George: Too much salt in my diet. Kramer: I don't have it, I threw it out. Elaine: Can I get you anything? George: Nah, I'm good.

Jerry: You're lying! You got it, I want that number!

Elaine: You sure? Anything?

Kramer: I told you, I threw it out. Jerry: Give it to me!

Kramer: You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.

Audrey: The doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum.

Jerry: Well, I changed my mind, I want that number.

Over here... George: Yeah.

Kramer: You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number.

Audrey: You see this perinasal sinus cavity?

Jerry: I was lying, give it to me!

George: Oh, I got it.

Kramer: No, you told me not to!

Audrey: You see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent.

Jerry: I want that number! George: Yeah, phew. Kramer: Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah!

Audrey: So anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about?

Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you!

George: What?

Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror,

Audrey: Remember we talked about taking a trip together?

cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it

George: We did?

anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you

Audrey: Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii? George: Hawaii?

destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside! Kramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal and the bowl, then storms out again.

Audrey: Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this. George (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's

New scene. George and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about her nose,

a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous. Audrey: I never heard that.

George is trying not to look at it.

George: Oh yeah. My friend lived there. Audrey: We could go to the Caribbean.

Jerry: Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun.

George: You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane

Isabel: Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly.

right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he

Jerry (to himself): Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.

used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you

Cut to the table where a slightly translucent Jerry's brain is playing chess with a similarly visible Jerry's penis.

from going. You could go. I don't mind. Audrey: George, I don't think this is working.

Jerry's Brain: Well I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we play one for all the marbles?

New scene. Jerry is rehearsing with Isabel. Isabel: Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore. Jerry: I'm Nelson!

Jerry's Penis: Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it! Jerry's Brain: I can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little acting scenes. Jerry's Penis: Oh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up

Isabel: That's not the line, Jerry. Jerry: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just

with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour,

need more time.

then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night.

Isabel: I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go

Jerry's Brain: What about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's

crazy thinking about you.

like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do

Elaine: Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father

whatever it is you do. You disgust me. Jerry's Penis: Oh, go read a book. Jerry's Brain: Enough chatting, let's play.

asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him. Landlord: Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer) And you must be Professor Von Nostrand?

New scene. Kramer: Yes, yes I am. Elaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment. Elaine: You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to

Landlord: I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it. Kramer: Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.

the hospital. Kramer (filling a pipe): Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got

Landlord: Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter? Kramer: My contention?

everything? Landlord: Yes, your contention. Elaine: Yeah. Kramer: Yes, that's my contention. Kramer: Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here.

Elaine: I heard him contend that.

Elaine: What do I need this for?

Landlord: It's too bad about your father.

Kramer: Because we're engaged.

Elaine: Oh, it was a frame-up.

Elaine: We're engaged?

Landlord: A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work

Kramer: Um hm. you're doing. Elaine: Kramer, this is too big. Kramer (lighting his pipe): It's my mom's.

Elaine: Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing.

A stout man walks around the corner.

Kramer: She does fine work.

Landlord: Hello?

Landlord: Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to

Jerry's Penis (beginning to cough and struggle): Getting weak... Losing

anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this

power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing

way.

without me. Nothing!

Elaine: How kind of you.

Jerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop.

Landlord: You know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe.

Jerry's Brain (before disappearing himself): Punk.

Kramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame.

Jerry: Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working. Isabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face.

New scene. Jerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain appears to have

Back to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment.

the upper hand. Jerry's Brain: What's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha ha! Isabel: Nelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of

Elaine: Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe. Landlord: He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies. Elaine: My father, really? I had no idea.

you. Jerry's Penis: It's killing me. (Makes a move) Jerry's Brain: That's your move? Jerry's Penis: Yeah. Jerry's Brain: Well that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate!

Landlord: Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street, drunken

stumblebum.

Elaine: Hi!

Kramer: You don't say?

Jerry: Hey.

Elaine: I found it!

Audrey (to George): Hello.

Landlord: The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a

George (smitten): Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it!

can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees,

Audrey (motioning to Kramer): Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.

screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring

Elaine: So, will I see you later tonight? Audrey: Not sure.

back that box of Danish!" Throughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and more agitated.

Kramer (rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder): Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?

Finally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth. Audrey (holding up her hand to show the stamp): I didn't wash. New scene. The four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop.

Kramer: Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge. Elaine (after they leave): Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect

Kramer: So I grabbed the guy by the collar. Elaine: Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!"

proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like--

Jerry: So I assume the jig was up. George (interrupting): Elaine. Shut up. Elaine: Yeah, pretty much. Kramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the jacket. Audrey walks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful. Audrey: Hi.

Closing monologue The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know

they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform a cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Matt Goldman -----------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode no. 27 pc: 209, season 3, episode 10 Broadcast date: November 27, 1991 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast

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entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright, alright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting, but this is long lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the problems that he's having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public. And he's always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes I am." "Are you having any lightning with the pain?" First scene. Jerry and George are in a drug store. Jerry: How did you get fleas?

Jerry: Who? George: office.

The nice one that works in my

Jerry: Nah. George: I'll drive. Jerry: Oh, well, now you're talking. George: It's supposed to be a good party. Jerry: What does that mean, good dip? George: No, there'll be girls there. Jerry: There's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what? George: There's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between these two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients) You got propylparabin?

George: Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.

Jerry: Got it.

Jerry: Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar.

Jerry: I got isobutane-20.

George: You got isobutane-30?

George: A-ha. George: That's not funny. coming to the party?

So, are you Jerry: You got sorbitant sesquioliate?

Jerry: I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"

George: Got it.

George: You know Ava's gonna be there.

Jerry: Where do they make yours?

Jerry: I have aloe! George: You got aloe? I love aloe.

George: Jersey. Security Guard: What's the problem here? Jerry: White Plains. George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" box from Jerry and they go to the check out counter. Two women are standing at the magazine rack in the background. Jerry: Girls. There's girls right here in the store. Look, look, there's one over there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside there'll be girls out there. What's the matter? George: I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten. Jerry: Are you sure? Oh boy, here we go. George (to the cashier): Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten.

George: No problem. There's no problem. She just owes me ten dollars, that's all. Cashier: He's claiming short. Security Guard: Alright, let's just take it outside. George: Oh, so you don't believe me either? Security Guard: Come on, let's go. George: You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. Alright, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back.

Cashier: You gave me a ten. George: I'm positive I gave you a twenty.

New scene. George, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door .

Cashier: I know what you gave me. George: You owe me ten dollars.

Elaine: Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in.

Cashier: Will you please step aside? Next?

Jerry: No, let's survey first. Camp here.

George: Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you--

George (waving): Eva. A beautiful woman starts walking over. Jerry: What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

Cashier: You. George: No, no, no, see you're not really listening.

Ava: 81st.

So, guess who just sold 129 West

George: Oh no you didn't. Get out, when? Ava: Yesterday

Guy: Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material?

George: I don't believe it.

Jerry (still Patting): I hear a voice.

Ava: Ask Mark.

Guy: What kind of voice?

George: Mark, is this true?

Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.

A man across the room nods. George and Ava walk towards him. Jerry: Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it. Elaine: How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind. Jerry: Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.

Guy: How come you keep tapping your head. Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa. Cut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and patting her head. Guy: On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver. The man devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion for something. Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'.

Elaine: How old are you? Jerry: Thirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout this? Chicken wing? No, no, no, I got a better one. Head patting.

Guy: Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny guy. Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'. She's still tapping madly.

Elaine: Whatever you want. Guy: I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan. Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger.

Elaine: Yeah, me too.

Guy: You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?

Guy: Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume.

Jerry: Yeah, yeah I did.

Cut to George, now talking with Jerry.

Guy: So what do you do?

George: How's it going?

Jerry (Patting his head): I'm a comedian.

Jerry: Great, how about you?

George: I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.

I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient. Jerry: Hey, I was dying over there.

Jerry: How do you account for this?

Elaine: This guy's going off on the peanut. Now pay attention.

George: I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.

Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.

Jerry: Well, she obviously liked you all along.

Ellen: Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club. You talk about a lot of every day things, right?

George: No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him." Jerry: Anyway, I'm ready to go.

Jerry: Right. Ellen: Yeah, I remember you. Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting on the couch near a pretentious woman. Woman: I wonder what happened to my fianc. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fianc?

George: Now? Ellen: He's upstairs. Jerry: If not now, when? George: Gimme a half-hour.

Woman: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fianc I'm looking for him. I have lost my fianc, the poor baby.

Jerry: Okay, half-hour. Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby. Cut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'. By now, she's weary from tapping. Guy: Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil...

Woman: What? Elaine: The dingo ate your baby! Cut to George and Jerry.

Jerry (interrupting): Can I talk to you for a second?

Jerry: You ready?

Elaine: Oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with Jerry) What have you been doing,

George: Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.

Jerry: I do favors.

George: I... I... I long for you.

George: I think something's happening here.

Jerry: I long for you?

Jerry: What?

George: I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything.

George: I think she wants me to take her home. Jerry: Wow. George: What should I do?

Jerry: It's okay, that's not bad. George: I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

Jerry: Go! What could you do? Jerry: Really? George: What about you and Elaine? Jerry: We'll get a ride.

George: That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?

George: Are you sure? Jerry: Oh, come on. Jerry: We'll be fine, what did she say?

Jerry: What? She said that?

George: I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.

George: Yeah.

Jerry: George, you're thinking too much.

Jerry: Get out of here.

George: I know, I know, I can't stop it!

George: I swear.

Cut to Elaine, talking with yet another guy on the couch.

George: She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes) She told me she wants me to make love to her.

Jerry: What did you say? George: I, I, I can't. Jerry: What did you say?

Elaine: Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. Jerry (walking up): bastards.

George: Please, it's-Elaine: Excuse me. Jerry: What?

Pendant?

Those

Jerry: Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office Elaine: Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go now?

Jerry: Yeah, yeah, alright. Elaine: I can't believe she's walking around in that. Jerry: Just don't make a scene.

Jerry: Uh, no, he's taking the car. Elaine: Hey, is that real fur? Elaine: Well, what are we gonna do for a ride? Jerry: I don't know.

Jerry: Oh boy. Eva: It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation.

Elaine: You don't know? George: Yeah, good night. Jerry: Maybe Kramer can come pick us up. Elaine: Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car?

Elaine: You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?

Jerry: There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code.

George: Could we talk about this some other time? Ava: Are you a vegetarian?

Mid-episode monologue Jerry: Here we go. All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter how important the arrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a space shuttle mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket talking to her, "So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for some Tang?" Elaine (noticing Ava in a fur): Oh look at that. Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing?

Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally. Ava: So you're a hypocrite. George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. AnywayAva: Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish. Elaine: Fish don't feel any pain. Ava: How do you know? communicate with fish?

Do you

Elaine: Well, they're not kept in little cages. Ava: Ever seen a goldfish?

George: Goldfish. Elaine: You sure you don't need any help? Elaine: Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy. Ava: Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life. (To George) Let's go.

Jenny: No, not really. Jerry: I'm sure he'll be here any minute. Jenny (To Steve): I want them out of here. Elaine: Call him again.

Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel! George: That's why we're here in America.

Jerry: I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this. Jenny (To Steve): It's two o'clock in the morning.

Jerry: You're beautiful. Elaine: Call Kramer. Jerry: Alright. (Approaches host) Excuse me, this is your party, right?

Jerry (noticing a coffee table book): Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful. Elaine: Six hundred and twenty million people died.

Steve: No, I just live here. Jerry: Thousand. Jerry: Can I use your phone? Steve: What's in it for me? Jerry: A bigger bill?

Elaine: Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror. (To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure you gave him the right directions?

Steve: He he, go for it. Jerry picks up the phone and dials. Jerry: Krame? Sein. What are you doing? Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure? Okay, but don't leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions. Cut to several hours later. The party has ended. The hosts, Steve and Jenny, are cleaning up, Elaine and Jerry are still there.

Jerry: Yes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's nothing we can do? Jenny: No! (To Steve) I am not going to bed with them in out house, this is ridiculous. Jerry: You know a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them. Elaine: Have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for

some reason. Jenny: You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming.

Jerry: Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you one. Steve: No problem.

Jerry: Oh, he's coming. Jenny: Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule. Jenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams. Jerry: That's him. Jenny: I'm going to bed!

Jerry: And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever. Steve: Hey, I might take you up on that. Jerry (writing): Here's my address and number. And really, thanks again.

Elaine: Thanks a lot.

Kramer (to Elaine): You better zip up. I couldn't get the top on the convertible up.

Jerry: Thanks, great party.

Elaine: But it's cold out.

As Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve answers.

Kramer: Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.

Kramer: Hey, how ya doing? Steve: Ah, look who's here.

New scene. Jerry's at his apartment, talking on the phone.

Kramer: I'm sorry. Jerry: Hey, it's okay. Kramer: I had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the window. Elaine: Then how did you find the place? Kramer: Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. Finally, I hit it. 8173.

Jerry: George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah, maybe I will get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. Okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay bye. Jerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the door. Jerry: Who is it? Voice: Mr. Pocatello. Jerry: Who?

Voice: You mean you don't recognize my voice?

Jerry: No, it'sSteve: I'm not gonna steal anything.

Jerry opens the door. Steve steps in. Steve: Jerry, baby!

Jerry: No, of course not, just close the door when you leave.

Jerry: Do I know you?

Steve: I think I can do that.

Steve: Boy this comedy's really frying your brain.

Jerry: Really, I'm sorry. Maybe another time.

Jerry: I'm sorry, uh-

Steve: Yeah. Let's have lunch.

Steve: See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people.

New scene. Jerry and George are at the drug store.

Jerry: Oh, okay. Steve: You said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city.

Jerry: They guy's in my house right now. What a mistake that party was, I never should have gone.

Jerry: You certainly are. What's going on?

George: Yeah, me either.

Steve: I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see what it was like to hang out with someone in show business.

Jerry: Oh, come on. George: What come on? Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office? Jerry: I've never had a job.

Jerry: Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend. Steve: Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that.

George: You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.

Jerry: No, really, I just got off the phone with him.

Jerry: That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?

Steve: I understand.

George: Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter.

Jerry: Look, you can hang out here if you want. Steve: Don't be so enthusiastic.

I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to go back there again.'

Jerry: Nine sixty. George: Nine sixty? Give it to me. Jerry: Why? George: Don't worry, I got it. Jerry: What do you mean, you got it?

Jerry: What are you gonna do? George: I got it. George: I have no choice, I'm quitting. George takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket. Cut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV. Kramer walks in and it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor. Kramer: The party, Long Island?

Jerry: Since when are you treating me to medicine? What are you doing? You're stealing this, aren't you? George: I'm not stealing it. They owe me ten dollars. They stole from me.

Steve: Kramer, right? Jerry: You're a lunatic. Kramer: Hey, what are you doing here? George: I have to do this, it's a matter of honor.

Steve: I'm waiting for my ride. Kramer: Where's Jerry?

Jerry: What do you say to a person like you?

Steve: He split. Let me ask you something. Is there anything to drink in here or is that, like, a stupid question?

George: Just walk. Jerry: Oh.

Kramer: Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. (Sensing Steve's disappointment) Well, but I might have something.

A security guard approaches George. Security Guard: Scuse me. What do you got there?

Cut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore. Jerry is selecting medication.

George: What?

Jerry: Alright, I'm gonna get this. looks good.

Security Guard: What do you got in your shirt?

George: How much is that?

This

George: Oh, I was gonna pay for this.

Security Guard (grabbing George by the elbow and walking him to the counter): Come with me. George (nervous): Where are you taking me? I was gonna pay for it.

Kramer: Not really. Steve: Maybe we should call one of those escort services. I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station. Kramer (handing Steve the phone) LOVE.

Cashier: um-hmm. Security Guard: You don't think I remember you?

555-

Steve: Hey, you want in on this? Kramer: No, I got a girl in the next building

George (more nervous): talking about?

What are you

Security Guard: I know who you are, I was watching you. George (panicky): What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call the police?

New scene. Jerry is outside his apartment door, as he puts in the key, he hears a woman's voice from inside.

The Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter.

Voice: Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't leaving until I get it. Now I am through playing games with you, I got things to do.

Jerry: Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?

Steve (drunk and slurring): Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here, it's Jerry

Cut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked. Kramer is in the middle of a story.

Jerry: What the hell?

Kramer: So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turned brown! Well I followed the instructions!

Jerry: Nice to meet you.

Steve: Jerry, this is Patti.

Patti: It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure. Jerry: What the hell is going on here?

They both erupt in raucous laughter.

Steve: I don't know, but I gotta do this more often. (The buzzer goes off) Ooh, there's my ride, finally.

Steve (hysterical): Ah, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the laughter winds down) So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?

Patti: I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money.

Steve: See ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call him tomorrow.

New scene. Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment, watching TV and eating pizza.

Jerry: Oh, Kramer huh? George: You had Sgt. Chadway? Me too. Steve: Yeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my dear. (trying to kiss Patti's hand as she pulls it away) Ouch. (To Jerry) Weekend of the 26th, come on out, we're having another party.

Jerry: He was a nice guy. George: Oh, great guy. Jerry: Was there a red-headed guy there?

Steve walks out, leaving the front door open. George: The one with the long sideburns? Patti: I ain't leaving. Jerry: Yeah. Jerry: Patti? George: Where does he come off? Patti: You got anything to drink? Jerry: Alright, how much does he owe you? Patti: Fifty dollars.

Jerry: Yeah, I know. There's no call for that kind of attitude. George: One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him.

Jerry (taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly): Fifty dollars.

Jerry: Oh, we all hated him.

In mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door.

Closing monologue.

Cop: This your apartment? Jerry: Yeah, but-Cop: You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution. Jerry: Wait a second, I--

There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to 'do me a favor.' Small favor, small pause. Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil? No pause at all. Big favors are, 'Could you do me a favor...' (huge pause, followed by closing credits.)

Elaine walks in. Elaine: I brought you chicken soup. (To Patti) Is that real fur? Jerry (and the cop, in unison): Oh boy.

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Transcribed by Dave(ratboy) Written by: Larry David and Bill Masters Episode no. 28 pc: 3103, season 3, episode 11 Broadcast date: December 4, 1991 The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars: Jay Brooks....................... Sid Janet Zarish..................... Rental Car Agent Edward Penn...................... Owen March

Jeff Barton...................... Paramedic

Opening monologue. Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that. First scene. Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment. Jerry: Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front. George: Was the alarm on? Jerry: I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it like it's my son. George: I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car? Jerry: They cross the wires or something. George: Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti. Kramer enters. Jerry: They stole my car. Kramer: Who did?

Jerry: They did.

Jerry: You did?!

Kramer: Was it more than just one?

Car thief: I did.

Jerry: What should I do, should I call the police?

Jerry: That's my car! Car thief: I didn't know it was yours.

Kramer: What are they gonna do? Jerry: What are you gonna do with it? Jerry: I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service. George: Maybe you should call your car phone.

Car thief: I dunno, drive around. Jerry: Then can I have it back? Car thief: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.

Jerry: Yeah, he's probably driving it right now.

Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone.

George: Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens.

Kramer: Hello?

Jerry: Are you serious?

Car thief: Yeah, who's this?

George: Yeah, go ahead, call.

Kramer: Kramer.

Jerry: I don't even know if I remember the number.

Car thief: Hello, Kramer.

Jerry dials.

Kramer: Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.

Jerry: What do I say if he picks up?

Car thief: Wait, hold on... Brown ones?

Car thief: Hello? Jerry: Hello? Is this 555-8383?

Kramer: Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building, it's 129 West 81st St.

Car thief: I have no idea.

Car thief: One-two-nine, okay.

Jerry: Can I ask you a question?

Kramer: Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.

Car thief: Sure.

Jerry (derisively at Kramer): Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?

Jerry: Did you steal my car? Car thief: Jerry? Car thief: Yes I did.

Jerry: Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires? Car thief: I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it. Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully. Car thief: Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find the--

Sid: I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff. Jerry: You left the keys in the car? Sid: Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted. Kramer: You know I'm in that movie?

Jerry hangs up. George: You are? Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. Kramer: Yeah, I'm an extra. George: Who's Sid? George: How'd you get that? Jerry: He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block. George: What do you mean?

Kramer: Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me.

Jerry: He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket.

George: Right out of the clear blue sky?

George: What, do you pay him for that?

George: Well, why didn't they ask me?

Jerry: Yeah, like fifty bucks a month.

Kramer: I got a quality.

George: How many people does he do that for?

Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right?

Kramer: Clear blue sky!

Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one. Jerry: The whole block, forty, fifty cars. Kramer: He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been doing that for years, right Jerry?

Sid: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it. Jerry: This Wednesday?

George: Could anybody do that? Sid enters. Jerry: Hey Sid, what happened?

Sid: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.

Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.

Jerry: Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good.

Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.

Elaine: Yeah. Well, there is one little problem. Jerry: What's that?

George: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?

Elaine: He's sixty-six years old.

Sid: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want.

Rental car agent: Next please.

George: Maybe I could move them until you get back.

Agent: Can I help you? Name please?

Elaine: Well, go, go.

Sid: What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work?

Jerry: Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course.

George: I'm in a transition phase right now.

Agent: Okay, let's see here.

Sid: Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all.

Jerry: Sixty-six years old?

Phone rings. Jerry: Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome.

Elaine: Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him. Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him? Elaine: What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman?

New scene. Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency. Elaine: I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels. Jerry: Owen March, I never heard of him.

Jerry: Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning. Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment. Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?

Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player. Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.

Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.

Agent: I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do. Jerry: Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there.

Agent: I know why we have reservations. Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them. Agent: Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor. The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she can be seen speaking with someone. Jerry: Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there? Elaine: What?

Agent: But we do have a compact if you would like that. Jerry: Fine. Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance? Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car. Agent: Please fill this out. Elaine: What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake? Jerry: Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.

Jerry: Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking.

Elaine: I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him.

Elaine: Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all?

New scene. Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. Elaine: I just don't enjoy being with him.

Jerry: Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you.

Jerry: Well that's what's important.

Elaine: Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.

Elaine: I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone?

The agent returns. Jerry: How many times you been out with him?

Elaine: He was laughing?! Elaine: Seven? Jerry: Face to face. Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?

Kramer: Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose. Jerry: So then what? Kramer: I got a line in the movie!

Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex. Elaine: Hmm... How's the pasta over there? Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him out of the way and heads for the kitchen sink. Kramer: Whoa, whoa!! Jerry: What is going on out there? George: I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, I got an alarm that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! What do I do?! Help me! Help me!

Elaine: Get out! Jerry: That's great! George: You got a line in the Woody Allen movie? Kramer: Pretty good, huh? George: You're in the movie? Is he in the scene? Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh? Jerry: You mean *a* career. Elaine: So was Mia Farrow there?

George runs off into the bathroom.

Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.

Kramer: Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today?

Elaine: What's your line?

Elaine: Today?! Kramer: You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries.

Kramer: Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that? The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue.

Elaine: Yeah. Kramer: So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody, Woody starts laughing.

Kramer: So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty." George: Is that how you're gonna say it?

Elaine: Call an ambulance. Kramer: No, no, I'm working on it. Jerry: Boy, he took it hard. Elaine: Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." Jerry: No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." Kramer: No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act. George: "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!" Jerry pinches his nose.

New scene. Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what happened. Elaine: We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch. Jerry (on the phone): Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.

George: That was no good? Elaine: Tell then to hurry! Hurry! Kramer: I didn't say anything. Elaine: I'm gonna go break up with Owen. George: What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty! George storms out. New scene. Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding on the door, Jerry opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man.

Jerry (To Elaine): It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's unconscious. Kramer enters. Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty. Jerry: Kramer. Kramer: What happened here? Elaine: I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid? Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities? Elaine: What extremities? Kramer: What's an extremity?

Jerry: Oh my god.

Jerry: You raise the feet, get blood to the head. Kramer: You raise the head, you get blood to the feet. Elaine: Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.

Jerry: Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something. Elaine: A cookie! Kramer: Can you give him a cookie? Elaine: How's he gonna chew it?

Jerry: I don't have a washcloth. Elaine: Well use a paper towel.

Jerry: We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him.

Jerry: You can't put a paper towel on his head.

Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his jaw up and down.

Kramer: What about a big sponge?

Elaine: Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him.

Jerry: How you gonna hold it on there? Kramer: Use a belt. Elaine: No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him.

Kramer: I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow. Elaine: You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it.

Jerry: Should we walk him around? Jerry: Cookies don't liquefy. Elaine and Kramer (at the same time): Yes, yes.

Elaine: Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.

Kramer: Yeah, I've seen them do that. Kramer: Alright I'll get a blender. Jerry: No, no that's for a drug overdose. Jerry: What blender? I don't have a blender. Kramer: Maybe that's what he's got. Kramer: You got a blender. Elaine: No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table.

Jerry: I would know if I had a blender. Elaine: Where is the ambulance?!

Kramer: Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking. Elaine: He is not a drug addict!

Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed by a crashing sound.

The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing.

Jerry: I could tell. Two paramedics enter with a stretcher.

Jerry (on phone): Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago. Elaine: I can't believe what's going on out here.

Elaine: What happened, what took you so long?!

Jerry: This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?

Paramedic: We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue Escort.

Voice: Paramedics.

Jerry: Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!

Jerry: Come on up. Okay, they're here.

George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth.

Elaine: He seems to be breathing. George: Oh man. Jerry: Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy. Elaine: I know. Jerry: Those eyebrows could use trimming, you ever mention that to him?

Jerry: What happened to the car? George: Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at Owen) Who's he? Elaine: This guy I'm seeing.

Elaine: Almost. George: What happened? Jerry: Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there.

Jerry: We don't know!

Elaine: It's not an easy thing to bring up.

Paramedic: Who put cookies in his mouth?

Jerry: Yeah, that's true.

Jerry and Elaine: Cookies?

Elaine: Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk.

Paramedic: You're not supposed to do that. Jerry: So how'd you hit the car?

Jerry: Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers. Elaine: He does, how'd you know that?

George: I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted.

Jerry: It's not even my car, it's a rental.

George: Well I know how to drive.

Kramer enters.

Sid: Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.

Kramer: What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you. George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say? Kramer: He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?'

Jerry: Can I get anybody anything? Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on? George: I put my pants on, Sid.

George: Should I apologize to Woody? Kramer: Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up. I'll feel him out.

Sid: I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars. George: Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.

Mid-episode Monologue. What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years ago? You know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole first aid. They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' 'No, no we can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you know that. Did you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before anybody.'

Sid: Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little boy needs surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't park a few cars. George: Maybe I could call my father. Kramer enters holding a newspaper. Kramer: Hey, you seen the paper yet? Jerry: Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper.

New scene. Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment. Sid: Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.

Kramer: Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer. Jerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.

Kramer: Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.

Jerry: What community?

Jerry (continuing): The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.

Elaine: Of course there's a community.

Sid: Oh lord.

Agent: Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars.

Jerry (finishing): The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over. New scene. Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating a bag of pretzels. Elaine: Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.'

community?

There's

Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.

Jerry: Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so... Agent: Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident. Jerry: That is right, somebody else was driving. Agent: Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car. Jerry: Uh huh, what's that? Agent: You're not covered for other drivers. Jerry: Other drivers?

Jerry: Can he communicate? Agent: Um hm. Elaine: Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when I read to him. Jerry: Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, uh, my car got smashed.

Jerry: Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something? Agent: Not that particular one.

Elaine: So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community.

Jerry: Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.

Agent: Sir, if you had read the rental agreement-Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that? Agent: Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that. Jerry: These pretzels are making me thirsty. New scene. Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair and in generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup. Elaine: Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in the south, are they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my Yankee Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) Owen, I think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be nice if *we* could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. For example, I like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here.

It's two subways. I have to transfer at Fortysecond Street to take the double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. These pretzels are making me thirsty. New scene. Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth. Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor? Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question. George: Do I smell? Elaine: No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen. Jerry: Ahh. George: He's alright? Elaine: Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex. The waitress brings the check. Jerry: Let me get that. George: No no no, I got it. Jerry: Please. George: No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars, Jerry: Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.

Kramer enters and sits down.

time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.

Jerry: What are you doing here? End. Kramer: I got fired from the movie. George: Get out of here, why? Kramer: Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered. Elaine: Aww. Kramer: Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene. Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the gloves. Jerry: Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud. Closing monologue. I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the

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Episode 29 Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff Cast: Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Castanza Jason Alexander

Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Drefus

George: Why did France give that to us anyway?

Kramer Michael Richards Jerry: It was a gift. Guest Stars: ---------------------------------------------------------------------

George: So countries just exchange gifts like that? Jerry: If they like each other.

At the comedy club George: There's Elaine. Jerry: I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big, long, sharp knife, that's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for. I need one I can throw. I need another one I can just hack away with. Do you have anything like that?

Jerry: See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend. George: Really? They work here in the office? Jerry: Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything. George: Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about.

(Commercial)

Jerry: You alcoholic.

At a party

George: Really?

Jerry: Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about.

Jerry: Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years.

George: Like you do.

George: "Off the wagon"?

Jerry: Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?

Jerry: I think it's off the wagon.

George: What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?

Elaine: Jerry, George, what are you doing here?

Jerry: I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it?

don't.

He's

recovering

George: I think it's "on the wagon".

Jerry: What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present)

Elaine: *gasp* My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry)

Elaine: And vodka. Dick: I got the cranberry juice.

Jerry: Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you. Elaine: Where did you find it?

Dick: So... you're Jerry. Jerry: So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink)

Jerry: Under the sofa cushion. Elaine: And you stopped by just to give it to me?

Boss (What is his name?): So have you ever done this kind of work before?

Jerry: It's your Christmas present.

George: Well, you know, book reports. That kind of stuff.

Elaine: I though I'd never find it.

Boss: How do you read?

George: Well today's your lucky day.

George: I like Mike Lubika.

Elaine: No. Today's *your* lucky day.

Boss: Mike Lubika?

George: It will be my first one.

George: He's a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful...

Elaine: You want to work here? Boss: No, no, no. I mean authors. George: Huh? Elaine: Yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George.

George: Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out. Boss: Name a couple.

Dick: Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy? Jerry: "The guy?"

George: Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.

Elaine: (softly to Dick) Dick.

Boss: Art Vandelay?

George: How can you just get it?

George: He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village.

Elaine: My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink. Jerry: Cranberry juice?

Boss: What has he written? George: Venetian Blinds. Dick: (picking up the drink) I've got new for you. I'm funnier than you are.

Jerry: Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football. Elaine: Where's my drink?

George: Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive. Jerry: Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600.

Jerry: There. (turns to George) So, how did it go?

George: Wow. Excuse me, Miss?

George: I think he was impressed.

Woman: Yes?

Elaine: No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice.

George: How come this sweater is only 85 dollars?

Jerry: Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours.

Woman: (showing the dot) Oh, here. This is why.

Elaine: Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.

George: What? I don't see anything. Woman: See this red dot?

Jerry: I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I thought you meant hold it.

George: Oh yeah.

Elaine: One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon.

Jerry: Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)

George: Told you.

George: (grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh?

At a clothing store. Woman: There's no exchanges on this. Jerry: I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress. George: Do I really have to buy her something? Jerry: Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this?

George: You think she would care about the red dot? Jerry: It's hard to say. George: I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it? Jerry: Well I can see it.

George: What is that? Is that cashmere?

George: Yeah, but you know where it is.

Jerry: Yeah. She would love cashmere.

Jerry: Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it?

George: Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it? Jerry: It's hard to pretend because I know where it is. George: Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview? Jerry: You want me to take an overview? George: Please. Jerry: I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.

Kramer: Okay. Jerry: Would you take a drink and let us smell you? Kramer: You can smell me without the drink. Elaine: I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it. Kramer: Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got? Jerry: I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner.

At Jerry's apartment. Kramer drinks. Jerry: Yeah so? Kramer: All right. Elaine: He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again.

Elaine and Jerry lean up really close to him.

Jerry: Oh boy, can you smell it?

Jerry: I don't smell anything.

Elaine: No. I can't smell it.

Elaine: Maybe we're too close to the bottle.

Jerry: Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking.

Jerry's buzzer buzzes. Jerry: Yeah.

Elaine: You don't always smell someone from a drink.

George: (over the speaker) It's George.

Jerry: Yes you do.

Jerry: Come on up.

Elaine: What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink?

Kramer: That is *damn* good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch.

Jerry: Yes you would. Kramer enters Jerry: I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor?

George: Hello everybody.

Jerry: I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.

Kramer: Hey. (snuggling really close to George) I'm going to tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific.

Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.

George: (uncomfortablly) Thank you.

George: Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.

Elaine: Hey what's that? George: It's an early Christmas present.

Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?

Elaine: Christmas present? For who?

Elaine: What?

George: For you.

George: Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it.

Elaine: *gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here.

Elaine: Uhh. This. It's like a red dot.

Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n...

George: What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here?

Jerry: Kramer. Yeah that'll do.

Elaine: What don't you know?

Elaine: (opening the present) Oh George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere?

Jerry: I don't know.

Jerry: (uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know.

Elaine: Well do you see it or don't you? George: Of course it's cashmere. Jerry: Ahem. Say that again? Elaine: Oh, I love cashmere. Elaine: Do you see it or don't you? George: Well who doesn't. Elaine: My, George this must have cost a fortune. George: Ahh, money. Elaine: Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?

Jerry: Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question. Jerry goes to the counter and pours some scotch. He drinks it. He comes back groggy. Jerry: Now what did you ask me again. Kramer is snoring.

(Commercial)

Jerry: Convulsing?

(Whew, Jerry is saved by the bell.)

George: Convulsing?

At the office. Elaine is walking by.

Jerry: I don't know, I'm trying to help you.

Elaine: You're still here. You're a dynamo.

George: Then I asked her if she wanted a drink.

George: I can't believe I get paid for this. Jerry: You don't drink. Elaine: I'll see you tomorrow. Elaine walks out. George gets back to work. The cleaning lady comes by.

George: I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. Jerry: So you started drinking.

George: How you doing? Cleaning lady: Hello. The lady starts cleaning. George has a thought. He watches the lady as she is cleaning. At Monk's. Jerry: You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that? George: Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids. Jerry: Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too. George: Why is that? Jerry: It's a woman in your room. So go ahead. George: So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word)

George: So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me. Jerry: So how was it? George: Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans. Jerry: Good thing the cleaning lady was there. At Jerry's apartment. Elaine: Dick was fired. Jerry: You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened. Elaine: You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all? Jerry: What are you saying? Elaine: I'm not saying anything. Jerry: You're saying something.

Elaine: What could I be saying? Jerry: Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something. Elaine: If I was saying something I would have said it. Jerry: Well why don't you say it? Elaine: I said it. Jerry: What did you say? Elaine: Nothing. It's exhausting being with you.

me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing. Elaine gets up and goes into the bathroom. George: I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet. Jerry: Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions. George: Did you tell her anything?

Jerry's buzzer buzzes. Jerry: No. Jerry: Yeah? George: Do you swear? George: (over the speaker) It's George. Jerry: Come on up. Elaine: Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer. Jerry: No I didn't. Elaine: Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression.

Jerry: I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear. George: Oh you told her didn't you. Jerry: No. Elaine: Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount? George: What? Did I what? Elaine: You did didn't you.

Jerry: I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe. Elaine: How much did he save? Jerry: Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of

George: Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.

Elaine: Well Jerry told me that you did. George: You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything. Jerry: I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you. George: Elaine you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. (Jerry is standing right behind George. Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot.

George: Just Christmas.

little

something

for

Lady: When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "what do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said "they call it cashmere". I repeated the words "cashmere, cashmere". I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change Georgie. I wanted the cashmere. George: I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later.

At the office. George: This is for you. Lady: Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me.

Lady: Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful. George: Take it off. You're going to ruin it. Lady: (noticing the dot) What's this?

George: As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything.

At the comedy club.

George: Yes of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much.

Jerry: I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can.

Lady: Oh! Is that cashmere?

Dick: The only stench is comming from you.

George: Of course it's cashemere.

Audience: Oooooh.

Lady: A cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie!

Jerry: Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I

Lady: Okay, okay, can I open it now?

don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon.

George: Well you didn't have to say it like that.

Dick: It's off the wagon. Jerry: In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town? Dick: I don't know. Jerry: On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way? Dick: You can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy. Jerry: They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap? Dick: What the hell do you know about wagons? Jerry: I know enough not to get on them. In the boss' office. Boss: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?

Boss: I want you out of here by the end of the day. George: What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there? Boss: Nah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give you this. He tosses the sweater and it lands right on top of George's face. George walks out of the office "wearing" it. In the hall of the office. Elaine: You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman. George: You never had sex in the office before? Elaine: No. I once made out with someone but that was it. George: Alright so you made out with someone. Elaine: Well that's not sex.

George: Who said that?

George: Kissing is sex.

Boss: She did.

Elaine: Kissing is not sex.

George: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ingnorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.

Jerry: George? George: Jerry. Elaine: Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? George: No.

Boss: You're fired.

Jerry: George? Dick: (noticing the dot) What's this? George: Over here. At the comedy club. Elaine: What are you doing here?

Jerry: I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance.

Jerry: But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon.

(Commercial)

Dick: You mean on the wagon.

Elaine: So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose.

Jerry: Don't get smart.

Jerry: I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up. Elaine: Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place?

Jerry: Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night. *crash* Dick: Merry Christmas. Elaine: Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear. George: Hide, hide under the desk.

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Elaine: Ow, ow move over. Jerry: Get off of me. Elaine: I've got no room. Dick walks over dragging behind him a Christmas tree. He looks down and notices them under the table. George holds out the sweater, his hand shaking. Dick: Is that cashmere? George: Of course it's cashmere.

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George Castanza Alexander

......................

Jason

Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDreyfus =============================== =============================== ============== Episode #314

Kramer Richards

Originally Aired: Wednesday, January 15, 1992, 9:00PM

Noel ................................. Morehead

=============================== =============================== ==============

John ................................. Fred Sanders

Production Credits:

Polar Bear Bloomfield

Supervising Charles

Producer

Supervising Cherones

Producer

.................

...............................

Michael

With: Elizabeth

D'Giff ............................... Bill Applebaum ...........................

Allen

Larry Richie ............................... Chris Barnes

.................

Tom

Intervenor ........................... Steve Kehela Roberta .............................. Kate Benton

Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld

=============================== =============================== ================ Jerry's Apartment

Written By ........................... Larry David Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones =============================== =============================== ==============

George: ...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a *brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the *Waldstein Sonata*! The *Waldstein*!

Cast: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)

George: We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*!

Y'know?

Jerry: Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...

Jerry enters

George: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll

Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.

see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself.

George: I was telling you about Noel. Maybe I can get some hand that way. Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos... George: [sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny... Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. What about her? George: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?

Kramer enters Kramer: Hey, smell my arm... Smell it! George: With all due respect, I don't think so... Jerry: That smells good, what is that? Kramer: The *beach*!

Jerry: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.

Jerry: The *beach*?

George: No everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have

George: What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!

no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in

Kramer: I just joined the Polar Bear Club. Jerry: You joined the *Polar Bears*?!

my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand... George: How do I get the hand? Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening. George: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...

George: What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"? Kramer: Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating.... Jerry: Yeah... So's shock therapy. Jerry: [with glee] What is that, a Pez dispenser?! Kramer: Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.

George: Hey, what goes on there, exactly? Jerry: Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps) Jerry: You don't know? George: No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his Chinese take out] I know... Jerry: You think they have fleas there, don't you?

% Noel begins. Dramatically. It's enough to make a man reach for his % candy pooper. Jerry helps himself to a Pez, he stands Tweety up on Elaine's

George: *No*...

% purse on her lap. Elaine valiantly tries to hold back her laughter,

Jerry: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you

% but it escalates from a giggle to a chortle to a chuckle to laughter

think they have fleas there.

% to snorting. Noel is visibly shaken and she has difficulty playing

George: All right, I think they have fleas there. So what... ElainElaine: I don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking...

% with this anonymous distraction from one of the unwashed masses. Elaine % removes herself from the auditorium, all the while snorting and gasping

How do they warm up their fingers? Jerry: They have a piano backstage they warm up on.

% for breath, (we're talkin' full-on gales of laughter, here). Outside, % she runs into an old acquaintance.

ElainElaine: *No*, we would have heard it. Jerry: What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out? George: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud

Steve: Something I said? [no response] It's John... Mollika. ElainElaine: Oh, oh, *John*... Oh, hi John... Hi... Steve: What're you doing down here?

when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet. Jerry: [quickly whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at *me*, isn't it?! A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano.

ELAINE: Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing. MOLLIKA: Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up. ELAINE: We did. We're just hanging out.

MOLLIKA: REally. ... You really look great. ELAINE: Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel?

George: What kind of a sick impulse does that?? Jerry: How could I know she would start to laugh? ElainElaine: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*!

MOLLIKA: Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs.

Jerry: Can we just go in already? George: What are we gonna tell her?

I don't know what to do for the guy.

ElainElaine: I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.

ELAINE: Have you thought about an intervention?

George: No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then

MOLLIKA: What's that?

I'm a *jerk*...

ELAINE: You get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get

ElainElaine: [To Jerry] Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.

him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.

Jerry: What about?

MOLLIKA: He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to

George: Hey, something!

hey!

We're

discussing

Jerry: I know, but I'm distracted now. Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry. Cut to Jerry playing with Tweety Bird Pez dispenser.

George: What are you? A *baby*!? All right. Tell her. E When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.

Outside Noel's dressing room ElainElaine: I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!

JERRY: Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?

George: What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first

ELAINE: He's good.

place?

George: Uh, can we cut to the chase?

Jerry: I dunno, it was an impulse.

Jerry: "Cut to the chase"?

George: Yeah... [They Enter] Jerry: What're you, "Joe Hollywood"? GEORGE: Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful. George: A lot of people say it. NOEL: No.. Jerry: I would lose that. George: [Accusingly] What's *that*? Jerry: "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression! George: [Realizing full well it isn't] ...Yes it is. ELAINE: Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from

GEORGE: Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel Jerry: You play a *Hell* of a piano. Elaine: Yeah, I was really moved, *really* moved. NOEL: Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was *humiliated...

Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told

Elaine: Well, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you.

him that he should do an intervention.

Noel: Well then, what was she laughing at?

JERRY: Really, an intervention ...

Jerry: Pez?

George: Y'know people, we got a situation over here!

NOEL: Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?

ELAINE: Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it.

GEORGE: Me, uh, uh, no, ...

JERRY: Me? Why me? ELAINE: 'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you. Jerry: Y'know these things are *really* hard to load... GEORGE: All right, OK, I'm goin' in. JERRY: We've got to talk about this (to Elaine) ELAINE: All right.

JERRY: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant. ELAINE: Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg. JERRY: Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed. NOEL: I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. [exits]

ELAINE: I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being. GEORGE: If she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other) [Noel enters] GEORGE: All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat. NOEL: I don't feel like it tonight.

JERRY: A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it. ELAINE: So? What happened?

JERRY: We'll be outside

JERRY: What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia,

ELAINE: Yeah

and a month later he was dead.

JERRY: It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?

ELAINE: Shut up!

N: I just crack my knuckles.

JERRY: All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.

GEORGE: We'll have a good time

ELAINE: Whar about Kramer?

N: I don't feel like it

JERRY: He's the same!

GEORGE: Ah, come on

[Jerry on phone at home]

N: I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!

JERRY: Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for

GEORGE: Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqu. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. [exits]

an intervention. The furniture, it's very nonconfrontational. All right All right. Goodbye.

[MONKS] [to Kramer] Remember Ricie Appel? JERRY: You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place. ELAINE: What? How?

KRAMER: (looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?

JERRY: Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.

In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.

KRAMER: Can I get in on that?

[George enters]

JERRY: What do you think? It's like a poker game?

GEORGE: Well it's over. It's definitely over. JERRY: She broke up with you?

KRAMER: Is Elaine going? JERRY: Yeah KRAMER: Well, I knew him as well as she did.

GEORGE: No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.

JERRY: Yeah, but John invited her. JERRY: What was on the list? KRAMER: So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene? JERRY: No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening. Buzzer GEORGE: It's George JERRY: Stop smelling your arm.

GEORGE: Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink, JERRY: Yeah, Postum is under-ratted, GEORGE: Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.

KRAMER: You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just

JERRY: What's wrong with lunch?

came home from the beach

GEORGE: Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted.

JERRY: Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea." KRAMER: Tell me about it! JERRY: Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein.

I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it. KRAMER: I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble? GEORGE: I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.

NOEL: I'm very confused. KRAMER: Break up with her GEORGE: What? KRAMER: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.

GEORGE: Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid. NOEL: I thought,... GEORGE: Now, stop it ...

JERRY: A preemptive breakup. GEORGE: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some

NOEL: What do you want, I can make you happy. GEORGE: When you're playing the piano do you think about me? NOEL: I don't know.

Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.

GEORGE: This is what I'm talking about.

[MONKS]

NOEL: OK, I'll think about you.

GEORGE: So, I am have to going to break up with you.

GEORGE: All the time. NOEL: All the time? ... OK, All the time.

NOEL: You're breaking up with me? GEORGE: I can't hear you. GEORGE: I, ... am breaking up with, ... you. NOEL: All the time. ALL THE TIME. NOEL: Wow. GEORGE: See, It's not so hard. GEORGE: Shocked? [CALVIN KLEIN] NOEL: I really am. KRAMER: Go ahead smell, smell GEORGE: Never expected this did you? STEVE: Yeah, so? NOEL: I thought everything was fine. GEORGE: Well, live and learn.

KRAMER: Do you recognize it? ... The beach.

NOEL: I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?

STEVE: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Kind of.

STEVE: What about it?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm talking about the beach.

KRAMER: You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach?

JERRY: In the freezer.

Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell.

OTHER GUY: I looked. There aren't any ice cubes.

Oh yeah.

JERRY: Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.

STEVE: That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. KRAMER: Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said?

OTHER GUY: I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away) Guy: Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?

STEVE: Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead

Steve: What's the plan?

fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come

JERRY: Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.

home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour.

OTHER GUY: Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either.

KRAMER: So you don't think it's a good idea?

GUY: No, we all have to talk. ELAINE: What's the order?

The Intervention [NOTE: I may have confused the names of some of the male interveners below]

GUY: We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta.

To Elaine

ROBERTA: Why am I first?

GUY: The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a

ELAINE: Albano is your last name.

kid so I have to stick tissue up there ELAINE: (very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that?

ROBERTA: That's not my name any more. I'm divorced. Steve: I'll go first. Kramer enters

GUY: Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me.

KRAMER: Hey.

To Jerry

JERRY: Hey.

OTHER GUY: Are there any ice cubes?

KRAMER: Is this the interference?

JERRY: Intervention.

polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"

OTHER GUY: What are you doing here?

Buzzer

KRAMER: Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?

GUY: It's him. Roberta: What should we do?

Steve: Hey, this is for close friends only. ELAINE: Hide! KRAMER: I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade

JERRY: It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom)

over Marty Benson's head? GEORGE: It's George OTHER GUY: Let him stay. JERRY: Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him. KRAMER: Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.

GUY: If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender.

Steve: Somebody's going to make that crap? ELAINE: Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now.

Some old guys enter Old Guy: Kramer!

GUY: Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?

KRAMER: Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.

ELAINE: You're getting warm.

OTHER GUY: They can't stay.

George and Noel enter (Noel looks awful)

Old Guy: We're having a party here?

GEORGE: We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on.

JERRY: No, we're having an intervention Old Guy: intervening?

intervention?

Who's

JERRY: There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.

JERRY: We're having the intervention for Richie. GEORGE: Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave? JERRY: Well, uh..

OLD GUY: Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a

NOEL: (happily) Elaine, hi. ELAINE: Oh, hi Noel

(Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them)

JERRY: I didn't know she would laugh.

JERRY: Well, you're looking well.

NOEL: You lied to me George, you lied to me.

GEORGE: Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man."

GEORGE: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?

I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.

NOEL: I ... am breaking up ... with you!

Steve: Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on.

GEORGE: You can't break up with me. I've got hand. NOEL: And you're going to need it.

GEORGE: (to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!

Noel exits, George chases her

Steve: You think so?

Richie and John enter

GEORGE: I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you

JERRY: Hey Richie RICHIE: So what's going on?

Old Man: The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.

Later

ELAINE: (Chuckles)

JERRY: It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's

Old GUY; at least give me a pocket.

talking back.

ELAINE: (laughs)

GEORGE: I can't do these puzzles.

Noel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven

JERRY: So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table

NOEL: That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.

GEORGE: Ah ah Pez dispenser.

ELAINE: No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry. Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg. NOEL: You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?.

JERRY: He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them GEORGE: Well they're hard to load.

JERRY: Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition. GEORGE: Poor kid. JERRY: So as he's telling the story he starts crying. GEORGE: What did you do?

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JERRY: What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser. GEORGE: Wow JERRY: Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow. GEORGE: What's a three letter word for candy?

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JERRY: I can't do those things. END Advertisement Check out this great site on the history of pez and its dispensers. There is even an entire museum dedicated to pez dispensers! Give them as gifts or get them for yourself along with other great novelty candy. Whether you had a bad day at work or broke

Transcribed by: The News Guy(Mike) Corrections will be done by: Dan Coogan Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks) Cast:

Gina Gallego [ Gina ] Mimi Lieber [ Rula ] C.E. Grimes [ Martin ] Howard Schecter [ Doctor ] Aimee Aro [ Faithy ] Peggy Lane O'Rourke [ Nurse ] Broadcast: 29 Jan 92 Written by: Tom Leopold Directed by: Tom Cherones

GEORGE: It’s George. JERRY: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You’ve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that? ELAINE: I don’t know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers? JERRY: I think I’ll take out the garbage.

Monologue The thing I don’t understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don’t die and that’s it. They stop trying. Why? Why don’t they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it’s worse because now they’ve found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that’s why these people don’t succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills don’t work, try a rope. Car won’t start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There’s nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.

ELAINE: Hey, have you ever fasted? JERRY: Well, once I didn’t have dinner until, like 9:00 o’clock, that was pretty rough. [exits to hall with garbage – meets George] Hey, do me a favour will ya’? Throw out my garbage for me. GEORGE: Yeah, right. JERRY: Come on, it’s just down the hall. GEORGE: Give me two bucks. I’ll do it for two bucks. JERRY: I’ll give you 50 cents.

[Jerry’s Apartment] JERRY: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?

GEORGE: There’s no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars. JERRY: Come on. Fifty cents. <??> a piece of Drake’s coffee cake

ELAINE: Na. JERRY: What are you doing? We’re going out for dinner in ten minutes. ELAINE: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days? [buzzer] JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: You’re not getting no Drake’s Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I’m all set. I got the ticket. I’m going to the Cayman Islands this Friday. JERRY: I don’t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven? GEORGE: It’s an incredible deal. I don’t know why you don’t come with me.

JERRY: Nah, I don’t go for these nonrefundable deals. I can’t commit to a woman. I’m not going to commit to an airline.

and George enter Jerry’s apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.] JERRY: Do you believe that guy? ELAINE: What guy?

[Gina enters the hall] JERRY: My neighbour: GINA: Hi. ELAINE: Oh, that creepy guy? JERRY: Hi. GINA: How are you? JERRY: Gina, do you know what a Drake’s Coffee Cake is? GINA: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top. JERRY: How much do they cost?

JERRY: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her? GEORGE: He didn’t seem too pleased. ELAINE: Maybe I’ll get a steak with french fried onion wings. GEORGE: hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.

GINA: The junior? GEORGE: No, no the full size.

JERRY: What’s so amazing? You’ve seen him before.

JERRY: No, no the junior.

GEORGE: I haven’t seen him for months.

GEORGE: You didn’t say "junior".

JERRY: What was the dream?

GINA: I haven’t had one of those since I was a little girl.

GEORGE: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.

JERRY: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! [MARTIN enters the hall] How ya’ doing? MARTIN: Good enough.

JERRY: I think I’ve played there. GEORGE: I’ve had a lot paranormal stuff happen to me.

other

[MARTIN leaves with Gina] JERRY: You’re a little paranormal JERRY: Boy she’s sexy isn’t she? [Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer’s apartment and knocks on the door. As he

ELAINE: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic. GEORGE: Really?

ELAINE: Uh uh, you should go some time. GEORGE: I’d love to go. Make an appointment.

GEORGE: It’s Martine. I think he’s dying. He tried to kill himself with pills. JERRY: What? GINA: Come on.

JERRY: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?

JERRY: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.

GEORGE: I just got fired. GINA: We don’t have enough time. JERRY: Alright, come on, lets get out of here. ELAINE: I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.

JERRY: It’ll take two seconds. GINA: There is no time. JERRY: We don’t have two seconds?

JERRY: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.

GINA: All right. Go ahead.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: Nah, forget it.

JERRY: Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.

GINA: No, go ahead.

[They exit]

JERRY: Nah. I’ll just wear the pajamas.

[Jerry’s apartment late at night there is knocking at the door]

GINA: Will you just get it. JERRY: Are you sure?

JERRY: Who is it? Who is it? GINA: Forget it. Come on. GINA: It’s Gina. JERRY: Nah, I’ll go get the robe. JERRY: Who? [Metropolitan Hospital Center] GINA: Martine’s girl friend. JERRY: Martine?

JERRY: That’s not too bad. It’s not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.

GINA: You next door neighbour. JERRY: Oh, Martin!

GINA: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.

[Jerry opens door] JERRY: Really? It’s over?

GINA: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a man’s hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.

GINA: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.

JERRY: Oh boy, did he say anything about me?

GINA: Are you afraid of him?

JERRY: No, I just wanted to see what time it was.

JERRY: No. GINA: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drake’s Coffee Cake.

GINA: Then kiss me. JERRY: Here?

JERRY: He said that? GINA: Yes, right here. GINA: He was screaming about it all night. How it’s too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.

JERRY: Is this the proper venue? GINA: You don’t want to?

JERRY: I’m sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.

JERRY: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.

GINA: I wasn’t. GINA: Then kiss me right in front of him. JERRY: You weren’t? JERRY: I can’t. What if he wakes up? GINA: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me? JERRY: Of course. GINA: Tell me everything. JERRY: Are you sure he can’t hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN. GINA: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.

GINA: A man is lying here unconscious and you’re afraid of him? What kind of a man are you? JERRY: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guy’s got a coma going like this … you don’t want to mess with it. [Jerry’s apartment] KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they’re going to look at a thing like this.

JERRY: Hey. KRAMER: Did you hear about Martin? JERRY: Yeah, I heard.

KRAMER: I can’t believe he’s in a coma. KRAMER: He’s got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?

KRAMER: Uh, uh, you see that’s the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do? JERRY: Nothing.

JERRY: Who told you about Martin?

KRAMER: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don’t have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

KRAMER: Newman! He’s good friends with him.

JERRY: I didn’t know what the coma etiquette was.

Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.

KRAMER: There is no coma etiquette. You see that’s the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn’t matter what you do around it.

KRAMER: He’s got all of my attachments, you know. JERRY: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out? KRAMER: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian? JERRY: You know I don’t get that whole suicide machine. There’s no tall buildings where these people live? They can’t wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person? KRAMER: So what’s going on between you and Gina? JERRY: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night.

JERRY: So you’re saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it’s all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim. KRAMER: I’d give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can’t get out of it in 24 hours, it’s a land rush. JERRY: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he’s thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there’s nothing left? KRAMER: NOTHING LEFT! That’s why I’m trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody’s going to grab it. [The psychic’s apartment] RULA: Martin’s spirit came to you as a warning. ELAINE: Why would he come to George?

KRAMER: Uh, uh. JERRY: So we’re in the room and she’s trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.

RULA: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE. GEORGE: I knew it. I always felt different.

RULA: You are. Some coffee cake?

RULA: Does it bother you?

GEORGE: Drakes?

ELAINE: You’re pregnant.

RULA: Yes.

GEORGE: Elaine.

GEORGE: Did you buy this for me?

RULA: I smoked when I had Faisy.

RULA: No, why?

RULA: Ah oh.

GEORGE: Ha, because I love Drake’s Coffee Cake.

GEORGE: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh? RULA: I don’t know about this trip George.

RULA: Maybe I did. GEORGE: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?

ELAINE: Take it away. GEORGE: She hasn’t eaten in two days.

ELAINE: It’s really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.

RULA: Who’s Pauline? GEORGE: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.

GEORGE: Elaine, she’s a psychic. She knows how the kid’s going to be. GEORGE: Should I not go on this trip?

RULA: Do you think about her? GEORGE: mentioned.

When

hear

her

name

RULA: Cut these with your left hand. GEORGE: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.

RULA: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me. ELAINE: Now listen. I just don’t know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth. GEORGE: Elaine, what are you doing?

RULA: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose. GEORGE: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?

ELAINE: It’s disgusting. RULA: I DON’T BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave.

RULA: Not in this life.

ELAINE: Oh fine, I don’t like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.

ELAINE: Should you be smoking?

RULA: Get the hell out.

[Elaine leaving] GEORGE: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus? RULA: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando. GEORGE: If you don’t say anything I will assume it’s a plane crash. RULA: Get out. GEORGE: Not a plane crash. [leaving] Is it a plane crash?

JERRY: Well, I don’t really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know. GINA: Come, you walk me to a cab. JERRY: Well, uh, I uh, I don’t want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it’s not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.

[Jerry’s apartment]

GINA: You’re still afraid. You are not a man.

GINA: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.

JERRY: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?

JERRY: You can say what you want about me but I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.

GINA: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not? JERRY: Yeah, all right. All right.

GINA: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth [kisses Kerry]. Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?

[Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman] KRAMER: You should just eat fruit.

JERRY: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.

NEWMAN: I can’t eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.

GINA: Who are these Stooges you speak of? KRAMER: ??? JERRY: They’re a comedy team. NEWMAN: Hello Gina. Hello Jerry. GINA: Tell me about them. Everything. JERRY: Hello Newman. JERRY: Well, they’re three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot. GINA: You will show me The Stooges? JERRY: I will show you The Stooges. GINA: When?

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway] JERRY: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.

GEORGE: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn’t hurt me.

GEORGE: No. KRAMER: Why not?

ELAINE: [jumps with fear to Jerry] Did you see that wall move?

GEORGE: The psychic said something terrible will happen.

JERRY: Boy, it’s a good thing we came. KRAMER: I dig. GEORGE: Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe there’s native unrest. ELAINE: Hi, I haven’t eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin’s room] KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, she’s going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, she’s going to kill me.

Nurse: We’ll call you. JERRY: George, I want you to promise me something. If I’m ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.

W: He can’t hear you, you idiot. Why don’t you just buy another one. KRAMER: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?

GEORGE: How come?

W: I have a carpet sweeper you can use.

JERRY: Looters.

KRAMER: I don’t want a carpet sweeper. They don’t do anything.

ELAINE: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it? JERRY: She’s really hungry.

W: It gets my rug clean. KRAMER: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

[Kramer enters] KRAMER: Hey.

W: Well, you should take a look at my rug then.

ELAINE: Kramer KRAMER: Well, visiting Martin.

Newman’s

upstairs

KRAMER: I wouldn’t set foot in your house. [Jerry enters]

GEORGE: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?

JERRY: Hello.

KRAMER: You’re not going?

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: How’s he doing?

JERRY: I don’t give out bites. I got another one. But I’m saving it for later.

KRAMER: He looks happy to me. NEWMAN: Just one bite? NEWMAN: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.

JERRY: I don’t think so. You know they, they’re so fragile.

JERRY: Why wouldn’t he? NEWMAN: No reason. JERRY: He’ll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.

NEWMAN: All right! All right. I won’t say anything. JERRY: You swear? NEWMAN: I swear.

NEWMAN: I’ll bring him up to date. JERRY: On your mother’s life? JERRY: How up to date? NEWMAN: On my mother’s life. NEWMAN: Oh, all the way up. KRAMER: oh oh oh oh oh JERRY: And nothing could change your mind? NEWMAN: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn. KRAMER: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. He’s not going. NEWMAN: I don’t care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..

NEWMAN: Oooh, [Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway] ELAINE: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck. [George sees the Psychic’s girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychic’s room]]

JERRY: Drake’s Coffee Cake

GEORGE: …sweetheart, no come here, … sweetheart

NEWMAN: Wow, where did you get that?

RULA: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)

JERRY: From my house. I got a whole box of them.

GEORGE: how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.

NEWMAN: Boy, that’s the full size. JERRY: That’s your big boy. NEWMAN: Can I have a bite?

RULA: The nurse said she would be right back. They’re supposed to take me into the delivery room.

GEORGE: Oh, that’s great. That’s great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don’t even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn’t get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..

[Martin’s room – Martin grabbing Jerry – Elaine eating the Drake’s Coffee Cake] NEWMAN: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.

RULA: Oh, where’s the nurse

KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner!

GEORGE: I don’t know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why don’t you get a nurse for mommy? … Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.

JERRY: Hey!

RULA: Don’t take that trip.

JERRY: What are you doing? We’re going out to dinner in ten minutes.

NEWMAN: It was disgusting. [Jerry’s apartment]

GEORGE: Yeah, why? Why? RULA: <screams> EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.

GEORGE: I never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting. JERRY: What did she name the kid?

[Doctor enters] Dx: All right, Rula, it’s time to go.

GEORGE: Rasputin.

You

wouldn’t

believe

GEORGE: Because? Because?

[Kramer enters]

[Elaine enters Martins room]

KRAMER: Heey!

ELAINE: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! … Drake’s Coffee Cake? … Give me that.

GEORGE: Hey.

NEWMAN: Jerry, you better stop her or I’ll tell.

GEORGE: when did you get back?

it.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: A couple of hours ago. JERRY: Elaine! No! No! GEORGE: So how was it? MARTIN: Ooooh, ahhhh, [In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth]

KRAMER: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.

GEORGE: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?

JERRY: osh.

KRAMER: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.

JERRY: Yeah, it’s some place down in the village. KRAMER: Phew.

JERRY: Woah. [hitting George] [buzzer] KRAMER: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.

JERRY: Yeah. ELAINE: It’s Elaine.

JERRY: Wow! [hitting George]

JERRY: All right we’re coming down.

KRAMER: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson

KRAMER: Hey, where ya’ going?

JERRY: Oh! [hitting George] KRAMER: We played Backgammon in the nude.

JERRY: We’re taking Elaine to dinner. She’s got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go? KRAMER: Um, I’d like to but a bunch of us from the islands, we’ll be getting together.

JERRY: Oh! [hitting George] KRAMER: She’s a sweet kid. JERRY: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!

GEORGE: Elle McPherson going to be there? KRAMER: OH! I got to call her back. [Kramer exits]

KRAMER: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That’s probably what Rula was trying to warn you about. GEORGE: Yeah, you gotta’ watch for the jellyfish.

The End Originally posted Guys(Mike's) site

KRAMER: Yeah. KRAMER: What’s this? JERRY: Oh, it’s an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina. KRAMER: They moved in together?

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[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Elaine Pope & Larry Charles ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode no. 33 pc: 317, season 3, episode 17 Broadcast date: February 5, 1992 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars: Maggie Jakobson.................. Cynthia

Opening monologue. I tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor. I mean between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does that really help you out? I could see how we need him at the beginning. Okay, tap-tap-tap, start. Okay, I can see how you need that. But once we're going, okay, once it's all happening, what do we need him for then? I don't see the cellist looking up, go, "I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." And the conductor goes, "Do this. Like this" "Oh, okay, thank you very much." First scene. Jerry and George are seated at a table in a restaurant. George: Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody, I should just accept it. Jerry: Oh, yes you will. George: No, I won't. Jerry: Yeah, maybe you won't. George: I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like. Jerry: Are my nostrils getting bigger? George: No. Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm

George. How are you?" Is that so terrible? Just then a beautiful woman walks past their table, George offers up a meek 'Hi' which the woman ignores as she passed. George then says 'Hi' a few more times as he reaches for and drinks from his water glass, as though we was saying that anyway and it had nothing to do with the woman. (Funnier to watch than read.) New scene. Elaine and a friend, Cynthia, are seated at a table in another restaurant. Cynthia: There's just no men out there, you know? Elaine: I know. Cynthia: I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.

Cynthia: No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate. Cut back to George and Jerry, George is eating sloppily. George: I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one. Jerry: Oh, so there's still hope. George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive. Jerry: Oh, so hopelessness is the key. George: It's my only hope. Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.

Elaine: I hate the good ones. Cynthia: Is Jerry one of the good ones? Elaine: That's a good question, I think he thinks he is. Cynthia: Well, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well I'm not good enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I just go, "You're right."

Cynthia: See, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that. Elaine: Well, at least you're not bitter. Cynthia: Who says I'm not bitter? Elaine: Aren't you too young to be bitter?

Elaine: You know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre.

Cynthia: No, you can be young and bitter, just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna

be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone.

Jerry and Elaine (together): Yeah, right. Jerry: I've never fixed anybody up.

Elaine: Don't worry, your bitterness is safe with me. Cynthia: Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up. New scene. Jerry and Elaine are reading the newspaper at Jerry's apartment. Jerry: Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints. Elaine: So what'd you do last night?

Elaine: Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George. Jerry: Well why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George? Elaine: I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'? Jerry: Well you implied it. Elaine: I didn't say it. Jerry: Because if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong. Who is she?

Jerry: Went out with George, you? Elaine: Who is he? Elaine: Went out with Cynthia. Jerry: He's George! Jerry: How was it? What'd you talk about? Elaine: She's Cynthia! Elaine: Well, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What about you? Jerry: We brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't find anybody. Elaine: I know, Cynthia too. She's really given up. Jerry: George too. They look at each other for a moment.

Jerry: So what? Elaine: What, beautiful?

you

don't

think

she's

Jerry: I don't know, what's with the eyebrows? Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high. Jerry: I went out with you. Elaine: That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their

real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that. Jerry: Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.

Jerry: Why? George: No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look like? Jerry: She's good looking. George: How good looking? Jerry: Very good looking.

Elaine: He can really do that? George: Really good looking? Jerry: Come on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along.

Jerry: Really very good looking.

Elaine: What, are you into this?

George: Would you take her out?

Jerry: Yeah, come on, it's a good match.

Jerry: Yes, I would take her out.

Elaine: No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?

George: Oh, you hesitated.

Jerry: Naturally. Elaine: Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret?

Jerry: What hesitate? I didn't hesitate! George: No, something's off here, you hesitated. Jerry: I'm telling you, she's good looking. George: What about the body, what kind of body?

Jerry: Everything. Jerry: Good body, nice body. Elaine: What if it worked out? George: How nice? Jerry (dialing): Yeah right. Jerry: Nice. New scene. Jerry and George are in Jerry's apartment.

George: Just nice? Jerry: Pretty nice.

George: Out of the question. Out of the question!

George: Really good?

Jerry: Really very nice and good.

Cynthia: What does he look like?

George: What about personality?

Elaine: Pardon?

Jerry: Good personality. Funny. Bright.

Cynthia: What does he look like?

George: Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me.

Elaine: Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.

Jerry: How could she be smarter than you? George: Alright, let's see, let's see. What else. What else. Oh yeah, what does she do? New scene. Elaine and Cynthia are having a similar discussion.

Cynthia: Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat? Elaine: Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair. Cynthia: He's bald?

Cynthia: First of all, what does he do? Elaine: He was in real estate, um, now, he's not working right now-

Elaine: No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding. Cynthia: So he will be bald.

Cynthia: He's not working?! How come he's not working?

Elaine: Yup.

Elaine: Well, um, he, he got fired. Cut back to Jerry and George. Cynthia: Why did he get fired? George: What kind of hair? Elaine: Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss.

Jerry: You know, long dark hair.

Cynthia: Excuse me?

George: Flowing?

Elaine: Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems at work.

Jerry: Flowing?

Cynthia: Is he nuts?

George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.

Elaine: No, no, no, he's a really really funny guy.

Jerry: 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said?

George: Yeah, that's right. Jerry: Just clarifying. George: Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out?

Elaine: He once spent a weekend with a woman. Cynthia: He didn't really try to poison his boss? Elaine: Yeah, he did.

Jerry: Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out?

New scene. The next day, George is back at Jerry's.

George: I'd like to be able to get it out. Jerry: I think you'll get it out. George: What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek.

George: We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?

Jerry: She's got a fine cheek. Jerry: I think it's tamber. George: Is there a pinkish hue? Jerry: A pinkish hue?

George: Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, why didn't you tell me about her voice?

George: Yes, a rosy glow. Jerry: I didn't notice the voice. Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows.

George: It's mellifluous! Jerry: So, Saturday night.

George: Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet, you could throw up from that. Jerry: I don't think you'll throw up. *She* likes to throw up.

George: She had to be impressed by that conversation, had to! It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant, done.

Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.

Elaine enters.

Cynthia: Has he ever been married?

Elaine: Hi.

Elaine: No.

George: Hey! Saturday night!

Cynthia: Has he been close?

Elaine: I know!

George: So, what did she say?

Kramer: Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em.

Elaine: She said you're getting together Saturday night!

Jerry: No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box.

George: That's it?

Kramer: Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.

Elaine: Yeah! George: She didn't mention anything about the conversation?

Elaine: Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap. George: I'll take one. It's possible.

Elaine: No. George: Now, you see, I don't get that. We had a relaxed stimulating, great conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it? Elaine: What? Jerry: She could have mentioned the conversation. George: Alright, alright, I'll go on the date, but that's that.

Mid-episode monologue. The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we should have like a secret signal with the druggist that you just walk into the drugstore, you go up to the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this (nods) he puts them in the bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste, you know, "How are you today?" (nods) "Have a nice day." "You too."

Kramer enters. Kramer: Hey.

New scene. Elaine and Jerry are on the phone, waiting for George and Cynthia's date to end.

Jerry: Hey. Kramer: You Sacamano?

know

friend,

Bob

Jerry: So where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back by now, what did they do?

Jerry: Oh, the guy from Jersey? Elaine: I think they went out to dinner. Kramer: Yeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, he gave me a gross. George: What are you gonna do with all of them?

Jerry: Wait, I got another call. That must be him. [clicks over] Hello? George: Yeah, it's me, I just got home.

Jerry: Oh, hold on. [clicks back] It's George, he just got home. Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line. Jerry: Alright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done.

Cynthia: He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the most sociable room in the house. And he was serious. Elaine: So? How was it?

Elaine: Remember our pact. Full disclosure. Jerry: Of course. [clicks back to George] Yeah, go ahead. George: Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.

Cynthia: How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate. Elaine: Wait, I got another call, that must be Jerry. Cynthia: Oh wait, don't you tell him any of this.

Jerry: You can tell me, I'll vault it.

Elaine: Yeah, ok. [clicks over] Hello?

George: It's in the vault?

Jerry: So, what did she have to say?

Jerry: I'm locking the vault. What?

Elaine: What did he have to say?

George: We had sex.

Jerry: He said they had a good time.

Jerry: Oh my god, you had sex, how did that happen?

Elaine: Her too. Jerry: Oh, good.

George: I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.

Elaine: Anything else?

Jerry: At your apartment?

Jerry: Nope. You?

George: Yeah.

Elaine: Nope.

Jerry: She didn't stay over?

Jerry: You sure?

George: No, she left. Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine. Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal.

Elaine: Yup. You?

Cut to Elaine on the phone with Cynthia.

Elaine: Alright. Well uh, guess everything is under control.

Elaine: Oh my god.

Jerry: Yeah.

Jerry: Yeah. Okay then. Jerry: Get away from me, I'm gonna call her. Elaine: Alright. Goodnight. George: Give me the phone! Jerry: Goodnight. Jerry: George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight? New scene. Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment. George: I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.

George: Jerry, I'm gonna kill you! Kramer enters and gets between them to break up the fight. Kramer: Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it! Jerry: I'll just call her when you leave!

Jerry: Well, I'm gonna do something about this.

George: You can't do that, it's none of your business!

George: What are you gonna do? Jerry: It is so my business! Jerry: Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. She's not going to get away with this. George: I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.

Kramer: Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you! George: But tell him to give me the-Kramer: Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens up your mouth, says something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it?

Jerry: I'm gonna call her. George: No. George: No, don't call her. Jerry: Yeah, but-Jerry: No, I'm calling her.

Jerry: No, forget it, I'm gonna call.

Kramer: Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that.

George: I don't want you to call.

Jerry: But Kramer--

George: No, Jerry, don't call.

Kramer: Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake hands. Come on, there are plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go.

Cynthia: I missed my period. Elaine: Oh my god. Cynthia: I am very worried, I am never late.

Jerry and George shake hands. Elaine: But he used a condom, right? Kramer: Yes. You see? Isn't that better than fighting? Animosity? I mean, you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the way George, you know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them.

Cynthia: I know, but these things aren't always foolproof. Elaine: Oh no. Cynthia: What?

George: What? Elaine: Was it blue? Kramer: Right. Cynthia: Yeah. How'd you know? George: Defective?! Elaine: Just a hunch. Kramer: Defective. George (attacking Kramer): How could you give me a defective condom?! Kramer: I didn't even know they were defective. Jerry gets between them to break up the fight. Kramer: Didn't even thin you were gonna use them.

New scene. Jerry is in his apartment trying to open a bottle of soda. Jerry: Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off! Elaine walks in and give him a funny look. Jerry: Oh, hi. Soda? Elaine: No thanks.

George: What do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?! Jerry: Take it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if anything was wrong she would have called you already! New scene. Elaine answers her door, it's Cynthia.

Jerry: So tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls? Elaine: Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her. Jerry: Oh, I know her. I know her type.

Elaine: Her type? What type? Jerry: The type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you! Elaine: You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea! Jerry: I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend.

matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? By the way, when you see George give him these, these'll work. Elaine: I knew defective!

those condoms

were

Elaine: She's not bitter! Jerry: Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted!

Jerry: How did you know they were defective?! George walks in.

Elaine: Twisted? God, I did you a favor. Jerry: I thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're keeping from me? Elaine: Are you calling me a liar? Jerry: I'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar?

Elaine: Because! Because she missed her period! George: She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it! George rushes out, hysterical.

Elaine: Are you? Jerry: Get your finger out of my face. Elaine: You get yours out, I was here first! Jerry: I don't care. Elaine: Get it out! Kramer walks in just as this argument begins to turn into a slap fight, and gets in the middle. Kramer: Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! Come on, break it up! What's the

New scene. Elaine and Cynthia are at a restaurant. Cynthia: So he shows up. He's all out of breath. He's disheveled. And he tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support me in whatever way I need. Elaine, I was speechless. Elaine: Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody. Cynthia: I said to him, "I really appreciate this, but I just got my period."

And so, I asked him to come in, he came in-George and Jerry walk up, Jerry is limping. Elaine: Hi! George: Sorry, we're a little late. We got so hung up in traffic.

have a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it? Now, you're playing god. Of course god was the first person to fix people up. He fixed up Adam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, "She's nice. She's very free about her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going out with a snake, I think that's over though."

Elaine: What happened? Jerry: Acting. Elaine: Very mature. Jerry: Thank you. Hi Cynthia. Cynthia: Hi. Jerry: Well this is a great place to sit you got here. Cynthia: Best seat in the house. (Looking at George) right next to the kitchen.

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George (hitting Cynthia playfully with a napkin): Stop it, stop it. Jerry: So what are these? Elaine: Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start eating. George stars eating like a slob, Cynthia looks at him funny. You get the idea that the relationship has just ended. George (with a mouth full of food): This is good. Oh, this is good. Closing monologue. Have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they would

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Transcribed by The News Guy(Mike) With help from "Luke Nan" in Australia.

KRAMER: Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches on that guy. You two were hogging the ball.

Jerry - Jerry Seinfeld Kramer - Michael Richards George - Jason Alexander Elaine - Julia Louis-Dryfus Keith Hernandez - Himself Rae Allen - Mrs. Lenore Sokol Richard Assad - Cabby Wayne Knight - Newman

GEORGE: Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble.

Written by: Larry David and Larry Levin Directed by: Tom Cherones

JERRY: That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot.

STAND UP ========= To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but the strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't get about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt because he has a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't even think about it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of these locks you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff is safe.

GEORGE: I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!

JERRY: I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker. GEORGE: Oh I'm a chucker.

JERRY: You chuck. GEROGE: Kramer am I a chucker? KRAMER: You're a chucker. GEORGE: All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me? JERRY: Well it's not an easy thing to bring up. KRAMER: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked. JERRY: Believe me I didn't see anything. KRAMER: Oh, you didn't sneak a peak? JERRY: No, did you? KRAMER: Yeah, I snuck a peak.

[Gym Locker Room] JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: Why not? hey what about you George? GEORGE: yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.

GEORGE: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff JERRY: So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.

JERRY: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.

GEORGE: ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension

KRAMER: Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later.

JERRY: Hey, should we say something to him?

JERRY: All right

GEORGE: Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.

KRAMER: Have a good one. JERRY: All right GEORGE: See ya.

JERRY: well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind. GEORGE: He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.

[Kramer exits] JERRY: So? GEORGE: look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here? JERRY: You know who that is? That's GEORGE: Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?

GEORGE: What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball player Jerry, Baseball! JERRY: I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him.

JERRY: Yeah, that's him. GEORGE: Are you sure? JERRY: Positive. GEORGE: Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player. JERRY: Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.

GEORGE: What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... wo wo wo. The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination. KEITH: Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez and I just want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy. JERRY: Really?

KEITH: I've always wanted to do what you do.

JERRY: It's been three days and he hasn't called.

JERRY: What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time

ELAINE: Well maybe you should call him.

GEORGE: Mine too.

JERRY: I can't ... I can't

KEITH: I love that bit about Jimmy Olson

ELAINE: Why not?

JERRY: Thank you.

JERRY: I don't know. I just feel he should call me.

GEORGE: You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash? ... KEITH: (to Jerry) Do you anywhere in new York right now?

perform

JERRY: I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in. GEORGE: But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think eventually an entire team would get wiped out. KEITH: You know, I live on the East Side. JERRY: I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go.

ELAINE: What's the difference? JERRY: You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call. ELAINE: Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes. JERRY: I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that? ELAINE: I'm sorry honey. JERRY: I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him. ELAINE: No,

KEITH: or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee

JERRY: Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?

JERRY: Oh. that would be great. ELAINE: I know. GEORGE: Uh, it's only a matter of time. KEITH: Who's this chucker? --[Monks]

JERRY: What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again.

ELAINE: Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to call. JERRY: Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer! ELAINE: You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town? JERRY: Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy? ELAINE: Why don't you just go ahead and call him? JERRY: I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to him? ELAINE: Just ask him if he wants a to get together.

interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. They don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have a lot of potential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's my friend, they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends! [New York State Department of Labor] MRS. SOKOL: You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out.

JERRY: For what dinner? ELAINE: Dinner's good. JERRY: Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like a turn off? ELAINE: Jerry, He's A GUY! JERRY: ... this is all .. very confusing. STAND UP ========= When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're not

GEORGE: Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension. MRS. SOKOL: So where have you been looking for work? GEORGE: Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look. MRS. SOKOL: Can you be specific about any of these companies?

GEORGE: Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all .. blend in together, I uh, ..

small industry Vandaley. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, work for them. MRS. SOKOL: The PHONE number.

MRS. SOKOL: Well just give me one name. GEORGE: Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandaley Industries, I just saw them. I got very close there. very close. MRS. SOKOL: And what type of company is that? GEORGE: Latex, latex manufacturing MRS. SOKOL: And you interviewed there? GEORGE: Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of latex, and latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance. MRS. SOKOL: I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this uh, Vandaley company... GOERGE: You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door. MRS. SOKOL: The address! GEORGE: YYYDDSSHE(?) Jimenez. You recognize it?

...

GEORGE: That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, they keep very strange hours. MRS. SOKOL: As soon as I'm done wit you! GEORGE: Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh,. [George runs down hall] [Street phone booth- George pulls kid out of booth] GEORGE: (Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you back. [Jerry's Apartment] KRAMER: (loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. I mean you know my hook, right?

Jose JERRY: Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay?

MRS. SOKOL: No. ELAINE: Jerry, ... He's a GUY! GEORGE: Jose Jimenez, funny. ..very funny.

...

verrry

MRS. SOKOL: The ADDRESS! GEORGE: uh, Uh, Vandaley Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. It's a very

KRAMER: well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold on there's another call. [Phone Booth] GEORGE: (Frantically) Jerry, Jerry?

KRAMER: George?

JERRY: uh uh because then it would be all grown up.

GEORGE: Kramer put Jerry on the phone.

ELAINE: yeah ha ha ha

KRAMER: (Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call back.

JERRY: Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt?

GEORGE: Kramer!! Kramer no!!

KRAMER: (does a double take) It's too busy

KRAMER: ... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn.

ELAINE: It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself.

[Phone Booth] KRAMER: What guy? GEORGE: hitting phone [Cop bangs on booth with kid beside him]

JERRY: I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him. KRAMER: Who are you talkin about?

[Jerry's Apartment] JERRY: Uh, Keith uh Hernandez. KRAMER: Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, [Hangs up] . . . you know that was Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see the baby. JERRY: Oh, see the baby again with the baby.. ELAINE: Who are they? JERRY: Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling us to see the baby. JERRY: (imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi When are ya' gonna see the babi... Can't they just send us a tape?

KRAMER: KEITH HERNANDEZ? NEWMAN: HERNANDEZ?

[enters]

KEITH

[In cab] GEORGE: Do me a favor would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you please please. [changes lanes]

ELAINE: You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it.

GEORGE: You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what this lane

stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light take this light CABBY: That's it GET OUT!! GEORGE: Get out? CABBY: Get out of my cab. GEORGE: Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab

ninth. Cost the Mets the game. KRAMER: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... [cut to film of the day - like the Zabruter film with the Umbrella man and everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!] ... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp.

[Cabby gets out] GEORGE: No, no! You can't throw me out

NEWMAN: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.

[Wrestling in cab] ELAINE: What was it? [Jerry's Apartment] JERRY: Hellooo Newman.

KRAMER: He spit on us.... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!"

KRAMER: I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ hate him.

NEWMAN: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.

NEWMAN: I despise him.

ELAINE: Wow! What a story.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times.

NEWMAN: Why? I'll tell you why... KRAMER: Let me tell it .. NEWMAN: No, you can't tell it .. KRAMER: You always tell it .. NEWMAN: All right, tell it. KRAMER: Ja ja ja - just tell it NEWMAN: June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies

JERRY: Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air

mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie. [THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SCENE IS THAT IT IS AN EXACT PARODY OF KEVIN COSTNER'S COURTROOM SCENE IN THE FILM JFK - AND WAYNE KNIGHT PLAYED THE SAME POSITION IN BOTH!!!] NEWMAN: Well that's the way it happened. JERRY: What happened to your head when you got hit? KRAMER: Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left

KRAMER: Wait, wait, [Exits] JERRY: The sad thing is we may never know the real truth. [George runs in] GEORGE: [Frantically] Did anybody call here asking for Vandaley industries? JERRY: No. What happened to you? GEORGE: Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandaley Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer "Vanadaley Industries".

JERRY: Again JERRY: I'm Vanadaley Industries? KRAMER: Back and to the left GEORGE: Right. JERRY: Back and to the left Back and to the left

JERRY: And what is that?

ELAINE: So, what are you saying?

GEORGE: You're in latex

JERRY: I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed that would have caused your head to pitch forward.

JERRY: Latex? And what do I do with latex?

ELAINE: So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right.

GEORGE: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.

JERRY: But that is not what they would have you believe.

JERRY: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?

NEWMAN: I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. [Exits]

GEORGE: Right.

GEORGE: Ya manufacture it. ELAINE: Here in this little apartment? JERRY: And what do I say about you?

JERRY: I don't think so. Why would I do that?

KEITH: UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK?

GEORGE: Because I asked you to.

JERRY: No, I haven't.

JERRY: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

JERRY(MIND): This weekend. WOW! JERRY: Sure, that would be great. JERRY(MIND): Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that.

[Buzzer] JERRY: I mean, ... if you want to. JERRY: Yeah. KEITH: Well, how about this Friday? KRAMER: It's Keith. JERRY: Yeah, Friday's okay. JERRY: All right we're coming down. GEORGE: KEITH HERNANDEZ:?

JERRY(MIND): Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've been on the Tonight Show.

JERRY: Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go. GEORGE: Where are you goin?

JERRY: Well, good night [holds hand out and shakes hand]

ELAINE: He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. But who was it? Who had the motive?

KEITH: Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride to earlier tonight,

JERRY: That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years.

JERRY: Elaine? KEITH: Yeah. What's her story?

GEORGE: What the hell are you two talking about? [All exit] [Keith's car]

JERRY: Uh, I don't know, we used to go out. KEITH: Would you mind if I gave her a call?

JERRY: Well that was really fun, thanks. JERRY: For a date? KEITH: Yeah, it really was. KEITH: Yeah. JERRY(MIND): Should I shake his hand? JERRY: Well, ...

JERRY: Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?

KEITH: You sure you don't mind?

JERRY: He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night.

JERRY: .... [silence] GEORGE: Wow! The weekend. [Jerry's Apartment] JERRY: So then we went to dinner.

JERRY: So then as I was getting out of the car, ...

GEORGE: Who paid?

ELAINE: HI

JERRY: We split it.

JERRY: Hi Elaine.

GEORGE: Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six?

ELAINE: Sooo, how was your date? JERRY: What date? It's a GUY.

JERRY: Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time.

ELAINE: So you know , ... he called me.

[Buzzer]

JERRY: Already?

JERRY: Yeah

GEORGE: Keith called you?

ELAINE: It's Elaine.

ELAINE: [nods]

JERRY: Come on up.

GEORGE: He he This guy really gets around.

GEORGE: So then what? ELAINE: Do you mind? JERRY: Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home.

JERRY: I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say?

GEORGE: Shake his hand? JERRY: (smiling) Yeah GEORGE: What kind of a shake does he have?

ELAINE: He asked me out for Saturday night. JERRY: Oh, ya' going? ELAINE: I told him I was busy.

JERRY: Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there. GEORGE: So, uh, you gonna see him again?

JERRY: Ah, really. ELAINE: So, we're going out Friday. [long pause] JERRY: Friday?

ELAINE: yeah.

JERRY: Sure, we can do something next week.

JERRY: He's going' out with you on Friday?

ELAINE: [whispers I can cancel.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: No, its no problem at all.

JERRY: He's supposed to see ME on Friday.

ELAINE: [whispers] I,...

ELAINE: Oh, uh, I didn't know. JERRY: We made plans.

JERRY: Okay, take it easy. [hangs up] That was Keith. we're going to do something next week.

ELAINE: Well, uh, I'll cancel it.

[Kramer enters]

JERRY: No, don't cancel it.

KRAMER: Hey

ELAINE: Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/

JERRY: Hey what are you doing Friday night?

JERRY: Well, frankly it is.

JERRY: Friday night? Nothin', ... now.

ELAINE: I've never seen you jealous before.

KRAMER: Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby?

JERRY: Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch it.

JERRY: Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby.

ELAINE: Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me?

KRAMER: Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it

[long pause]

JERRY: All right, I'll go

JERRY: Any Hennigans around here?

KRAMER: All right

[Phone rings]

[Jerry exits with garbage]

JERRY: Vandaley Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh Hi Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around

[Kramer sits beside Elaine - awkward moment] [phone rings]

JERRY: No. No. I don't mind at all. KRAMER: Yallo. What delay industries? ELAINE: [whispers] No, no, no, I can cancel.

ELAINE: no no , ..

GEORGE: [from bathroom] VANDALEY, SAY VANDALEY! KRAMER: Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment GEORGE: [from bathroom] VANDALEY, SAY VANDEL... [George falls] ... vandaley Industries, ... KRAMER: no problem, ... no problem. [Hangs up] ... How did YOU know who that was?

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[Jerry enters - sees George on the floor] Transcribed by The News Guy(Mike) JERRY: And you want to be my latex salesman. [Notice magazine is on wrong side on the floor] The End

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[New York State department of Labor] MRS. SOKOL: Just sign here please. GEORGE: I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that (snaps fingers). MRS. SOKOL: Sign that. GEORGE: Who is this? (sees photo) MRS. SOKOL: It's my daughta' GEORGE: THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking. MRS. SOKOL: Ya' think so?

GEORGE: Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get it outta here. Let me just sign this and go. MRS. SOKOL: You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend. GEORGE: Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya'… you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that. MRS. SOKOL: I'm serious. GEORGE: It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that. MRS. SOKOL: Would you like her phone numba'? MRS. SOKOL: Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where should I sign this thing? MRS. SOKOL: No no no, Don't worry about it. [Fitzpatrick's Bar] ELAINE: So tell me more about this game SIX. KEITH: Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing the series. ELAINE: ooooh ahhh [Mike and Carol's Apartment] KRAMER: (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo JERRY: (to baby) Hello. How are you/ CAROL: So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her? JERRY: Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here. CAROL: So how do you think she looks like? KRAMER: Lyndon Johnson. CAROL: What? Lyndon Johnson? JERRY: He's joking. KRAMER: I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.

CAROL: Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?" JERRY: I was saying the same thing. CAROL: Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera. JERRY: Uh, you don't have to take a picture. MIKE: I don't know where it is. CAROL: It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! … He's such an idiot. JERRY: Jerry, You want to pick her up? JERRY: I better not. KRAMER: I'll pick her up. BABY: [cries] [George's car] CARRIE:Thank you for a wonderful time George. GEORGE: Glad you enjoyed it. CARRIE:I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time. GEORGE: … millions and millions … CARRIE:Would you like to come up? GEORGE: [pause] Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement CARRIE:But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed. GEORGE: I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key? CARRIE:Will you call me as soon as you get home? GEORGE: [pause] Tonight? CARRIE:Yes. GEORGE: Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me kill me CARRIE:Well. good night.[puckers up]

[Mike and Carol's Apartment] KRAMER: Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby. [Keith's car] ELAINE: Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun. KEITH: Yeah, it was. [mind] Gosh, should I kiss her good night? ELAINE: [mind] Is he going to try to kiss me? ELAINE: I love Cajun cooking. KEITH: Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun. ELAINE: Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha KEITH: Maybe they should get together. [mind] Go ahead. Kiss her. I'm a baseball player dammit. ELAINE: [mind] What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy. KEITH: [mind] Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to. ELAINE: [mind] This is getting awkward. KEITH: Well, goodnight ELAINE: Good night [they kiss - REALLY KISS] ELAINE: [mind] Who does this guy think he is? KEITH: [mind] I'm Keith Hernandez. [Jerry's Apartment] ELAINE: Uh, who else? … Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him? JERRY: I don't know him. I know who he is. ELAINE: Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit …

JERRY: I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened? ELAINE: Nuthin'. Then he took me home. JERRY: So, did you two, uh, … have uh, … ELAINE: What?! JERRY: … You know ELAINE: Milk? JERRY: No! ELAINE: Cookies? JERRY: Did he kiss you good night? ELAINE: I dunno. JERRY: What do you mean you don't know? ELAINE: All right. He kissed me. Okay? JERRY: Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing? ELAINE: Between a peck and a make out. JERRY: So, you like him. ELAINE: I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him? JERRY: Ah, I'm jealous of everybody. [phone rings] JERRY: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? … what? oh um, sure, … um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye. ELAINE: Who was that? JERRY: That was Keith. ELAINE: What's going on? JERRY: He wants me to help him move. ELAINE: Help him move? Move what? JERRY: You know, furniture. ELAINE: So, what did you say? JERRY: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way. ELAINE: And you feel you're not really ready for,… JERRY: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? [Kramer enters]

KRAMER: What's going on? JERRY: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move. KRAMER: What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you? JERRY: … I said yes. KRAMER: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport? JERRY: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! .. KRAMER: yeah yeah JERRY: hey Kramer do me a favour . KRAMER: What? JERRY: Don't mention it to anybody. KRAMER: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits] [George's car] GEORGE: I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get home. CARRIE: Don't bottha GEORGE: Bother, wa', what kind of bother? CARRIE: I would prefa' it if ya' didn'. GEORGE: Why? Is there anything wrong? CARRIE: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara. GEORGE: Why? CARRIE: I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman. GEORGE: I went to the hardware store interview. CARRIE: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails? GEORGE: I thought were a team. CARRIE: If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. [exits car]

GEORGE: Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your mother? [Fitzpatrick's Bar] KEITH: Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves. ELAINE: [chuckles] KEITH: I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it. ELAINE: Ha, I didn't mention it. KEITH: Well I won them anyway. ELAINE: Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk. KEITH: Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base. ELAINE: ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there. KEITH: The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock. ELAINE: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it? KEITH: Funny. [Keith takes out a cigarette] ELAINE: What are you doing? KEITH: What's that? ELAINE: You smoke? KEITH: Yeah. ELAINE: I didn't know you SMOKED. KEITH: Is that a problem? ELAINE: Uh, … [Monks] JERRY: She likes him I mean she really likes him. GEORGE: How do you kn ow?

JERRY: Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy. GEORGE: I suppose he's an attractive man, I,… JERRY: Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike. GEORGE: Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know? JERRY: You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that. GEORGE: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five. JERRY: Really? GEORGE: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with? JERRY: I don't know … six three. GEORGE: Wow, … god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition. JERRY: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people. GEORGE: Magellan? You like Magellan? JERRY: Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on. GEORGE: Who do you like? GEORGE: I like DeSoto. JERRY: DeSoto? What did he do? GEORGE: Discovered the Mississippi. JERRY: Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.

GEORGE: All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk? JERRY: No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move. GEORGE: What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow. JERRY: I know isn't that something? KRAMER: He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover? JERRY: I don't know … he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something. GEORGE: The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport.. JERRY: I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!! [New York State Department of lab or] GEORGE: I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough for her. MRS. SOKOL: Sign here please. GEORGE: Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her. MRS. SOKOL: All right just sign it. People are waiting. GEORGE: You, uh, you like baseball? [picks up baseball from desk] MRS. SOKOL: That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year. GEORGE: Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez. MRS. SOKOL: You know Keith Hernandez. GEORGE: Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him? MRS. SOKOL: Oh, come on. Come on. GEORGE: I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour.

MRS. SOKOL: All right. You got ONE hour. GEORGE: All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back. [exits] [Same phone booth] [George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he hops into a cab]

real difficult getting it down the stairs. JERRY: STAIRS??? There's no elevator? KEITH: Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors. JERRY: I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't. [Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take]

GEORGE: 129 west 81st street and hurry. [same cabby stares at him] GEORGE: Or Not [exits cab] [Jerry's Apartment] KEITH: Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed. JERRY: Is there a box spring? KEITH: What's that? JERRY: Is there a box spring? KEITH: Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take that apart. Then we got the couch. JERRY: Is that a sectional? KEITH: Yeah. Twelve pieces. <not clear> …coffee table. JERRY: Is that a thick marble? [… Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith so they don't make eye contact and break up] KEITH: Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be

KRAMER: Hello. KEITH: Hello. KRAMER: Oh, you don't remember me. KEITH: No should I [continuity error: in fact he SHOULD from the basketball game] KRAMER: Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory. [Newman enters] NEWMAN: June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp. KEITH: YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy." KRAMER: Ah, you remember. NEWMAN: And then you spit on us. KEITH: Hey, I didn't spit at you. NEWMAN: Oh, yeah, right. KRAMER: No no no, well, then who was it? KEITH: Well lookit, the way I remember it [back to the grainy 8mm film parody] I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. … Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way.

JERRY: I told you! NEWMAN: Wow, it was McDowell. JERRY: But why? Why McDowell? KRAMER: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game. NEWMAN: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head. NEWMAN: It was McDowell. KRAMER: Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry. NEWMAN: Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh. KEITH: look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going. KRAMER: Wait, uh what are ya' doing? KEITH: I gotta move. KRAMER: Want any help? KEITH: I'd love some. KRAMER: I'd love to help you move. NEWMAN: Me too. KEITH: Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile We're going to have to handle it like a baby. KRAMER: No sweat. [they exit] [phone rings] JERRY: Hello, … oh hi Elaine .. what's going on … no he just left … you broke up with him? … ME TOO .. what happened? … oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everet Coope … me … nah … I couldn't go through with it … I just didn't feel ready … so what are you doing now? … Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye. [George frantically enters] GEORGE: Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith? JERRY: You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for? GEORGE: [out the window] Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you

to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend … the guy from the locker room, … I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait. [sits down] JERRY: Well Biff/ What's next? GEORGE: I don't know. [Tall girl enters] TALL GIRL: Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet.

The End Jerry Stand up =========== When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean it's all you think about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. Shut up I'm looking for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard in the morning. You could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and your looking at the casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles on it. And that's what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask to help you with a big

move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.

Broadcast date: February 26, 1992 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast

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[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)] -----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Larry Charles -----------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode no. 36 pc: 318, season 3, episode 18

Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars: Peter Krause..................... Tim Suzanne Snyder................... Eva Jeremy Roberts................... Chauffeur Jodi Baskerville................. Herself I.M. Hobson...................... Businessman Harley Venton.................... Dan Adam Leslie...................... Man at Protest Norman Brenner................... Man at Airport Aaron Kanarek.................... Protester #1 Ray Glanzmann.................... Protester #2 Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you think they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want? You're hungry? Tuna sandwich is nine dollars. You don't like it; go back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches. I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about it; the terminals, the airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the tuna.

First scene. George is at the airport.

George: I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.

George: It's all departures. I see nothing but departures. (to the woman beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are?

Jerry, Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk.

The woman walks away. George addresses the man standing on the other side.

George: One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead.

George: Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

Jerry: So you have no car?

Man: There's a clock over there.

George: No.

George: Where?

Jerry: So what good are you?

Man (pointing): There.

Jerry looks over towards a chauffer holding a sign that says O'BRIEN

George: But you have a watch on. Man: It's right by the escalator. George: Why don't you just look at your watch? Man: I told you, it's right over there. George: Let me see the watch.

Jerry: I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while, O'Brien's not showing up. George: How do you know? Jerry: He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.

George grabs the man's wrist. George: We should take his limo. Man: Hey! What are you, some kind of nut?! George: You know we're living in a society!

Jerry: Yeah, right.

Jerry: George.

George: Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.

George: Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry: He's definitely in Chicago.

Jerry: Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting?

George: Well the guy's just standing there.

Jerry walks up from the ramp.

Jerry: How would we do it?

Jerry: You could be Colin.

George: We just go up to him, we say, "We're O'Brien."

George: Colin O'Brien. Jerry: I'm Dylan Murphy.

Jerry: Maybe he knows O'Brien? George: I'm Colin O'Brien. George: No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a sign. Let's just do it.

They walk towards the chauffer. George: Are we really doing this?

Jerry: What if we get caught? Jerry: Come on, George: What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.

Man (to George): Hey, do you have the time?

Jerry: Who's gonna be O'Brien? George: I'll be O'Brien.

George: Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien.

Jerry: Who am I?

Chauffer: Yes sir.

George: You're you.

George: Sorry we're late.

Jerry: Just me?

Chauffer: Here let me take that for you.

George: Yeah.

George: Oh thank you.

Jerry: Okay.

Chauffer: I'll get the car and I'll bring it around front.

George: What, you don't want to be you? George: Thank you very much. Dylan? Jerry: Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?

Jerry: Colin?

George: Like who? Jerry: Dylan Murphy.

New scene. George and Jerry are in the back of a limo. George is giddy with excitement.

George mumbles something. Jerry: What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?

George: This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.

George: Well I like Dylan.

Jerry: What for?

George: I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm *never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!! Jerry: She happy for you? George: Can he hear us? Jerry: No. Why? George: I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously. Jerry: He can't hear us. George: Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us. Jerry: Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my house? George: We'll ask him. (opens partition) My dear fellow, where are you dropping us? Chauffer: Madison Square Garden, of course. I have the four passes.

George: We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan! Jerry: We're going to the Knick game! George: Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?! Jerry: I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one! George: You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you sWait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things? Jerry: Lemme call Elaine and Kramer. George: If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?' Jerry: Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I have tickets, four free passes to the KnicksBulls game, Madison Square Garden. Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right babydoll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first. Chauffer: I know.

George: Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight! Jerry: What?

Jerry and George: He knows? George: Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here? Jerry: Maybe it's a shortcut.

George: We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic.

George: You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car.

Jerry: (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit?

Jerry: We're doing sixty miles an hour!

Chauffer: Pick up the other members of your party.

George: So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt. Jerry: Who are you, Mannix?

George: Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.

George: We're slowing down. Are those the people? Jerry: Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping.

Jerry: It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig.

The limo pulls over, two people, a man (Tim) and a woman (Eva), get in.

George: It was a good jig.

Woman (reaches out to Jerry): Mr. O'Brien?

Jerry: It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien.

Jerry: No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping.

George: There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo. Jerry: First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period.

Eva (whispering): Oh, well I don't want to disturb him. We're just rather excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers of his newsletter. Jerry: Newsletter?

George: Well you should have been O'Brien. Jerry: I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy? George: Yes, you have to be Murphy.

Tim: And of course, his great book, "The Game". Jerry: Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never uh, met him before?

Jerry: It makes no sense now, me being Murphy.

Eva: No.

George: You're Murphy!

Jerry: Never seen a picture of him?

Jerry: I'm Seinfeld!

Eva: Never. Jerry: Not even on the book jacket?

Eva: There was no picture on the book jacket.

Elaine: Huh? Kramer: Yeah.

Jerry (nudging George): Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up. George: Hello. I'm O'Brien.

Kramer then drives to 'the hoop' and tumbles headfirst into a bunch of garbage cans.

New scene. Elaine meets Kramer of Jerry's corner.

Cut back to 'O'Brien' and 'Murphy' in the limo.

Kramer: Hey!

Jerry (checking his watch): I don't think we're gonna make the tip off.

Elaine: Hey! Tim: You think someone's been tipped off? Kramer: What, you took a cab? Elaine: Yeah? So? Kramer: How much do you make?

George: So, um, you've read "The Big Game", have you? Eva (fawning): Yes I've read it and I've memorized it.

Elaine: I'm not telling you. Kramer: C'mon.

George: Tell me your impressions, I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of "The Big Game".

Elaine: No! Kramer: I'll tell you how much I make. Elaine: I know how much you make. I don't even know why I'm doing this, I don't even like basketball. Kramer: You ever seen Michael Jordan? Elaine: Just in those commercials. Kramer: Maybe you'll see him do one of those three-sixty dunks. Elaine: What's that? Kramer: Oh, it's like this, here, you guard me.

Eva: Well, this is sort of embarrassing, but it's changed my life. The way you analyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well it left me breathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man. George: Well, it's just a game. Remember that, kids. Tim: Just a game. He's so humble. Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game. George: Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect. Jerry: He tends to exaggerate.

George: Okay, I mean it's serious but-Eva: We are really looking forward to your speech tonight. George: Uh, my speech? Eva: Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy. Would you like to look it over?

Cut back to the limo, George is reading from O'Brien's speech. George: ...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities. Jerry: You're not going to open with that, are you?

Jerry: Well you might as well look it over. Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust? Cut back to Kramer and Elaine waiting on the corner. Kramer: So what's going on, how did all this happen?

George: I said so many things. Suddenly they hear a loud bang. George: They're shooting! They're shooting!

Elaine: Jerry and George called me from this limo and they said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game.

Tim (pulling out a gun): Alright, get down!

Kramer: Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up.

The limo comes to a screeching halt. Tim exits the limo to look around, Eva has fallen on top of George.

Elaine: He did.

Eva. Ohhh. I'm ready to die for you.

Kramer: Well then why would they take a limo from the airport?

George: That's really very nice of you, Eva. Thank you.

Elaine: I don't know.

Eva: But of course you know I would. I would do anything for you. Anything.

Kramer: That's pretty strange. Did he say anything else? Elaine: Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy. Kramer: O'Brien. Why would he want to be called O'Brien?

Tim returns. Tim: Nothing to worry about, it was just a flat tire. But rest assured, we're prepared to handle anything that might come up. Tim opens a briefcase filled with firearms. Eva grabs one and starts handling it sensually.

Jerry: Nice looking Lugar. Elaine: Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you? New scene. Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.

Dan: Good. Elaine: Um, oh, this is um, Kramer.

Jodi: I'm standing in front of the Paramount adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators are gathering to protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the leader of the midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate of the violent overthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf Hitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist. There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources tell me he is in route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set up barricades, but quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville, back to you in the studio. Cut back to Kramer and Elaine on the corner.

Dan: Oh, Kramer? They shake hands. Elaine: What's going on? Dan: Oh, we're heading down to protest this big neo-nazi rally. The head of the Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should come. Elaine: Oh, can't, I'm going to the KnicksBulls game. Dan: Oh, well that's where the rally is. The Paramount, right next door. Elaine: Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you. Dan: Yeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be something, this is the first time he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks like. Kramer: Who? Dan: The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien.

Kramer: Something's very strange. George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry. They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien? A group of people approach from the adjacent sidewalk. One of them recognized Elaine.

Cut back to the limo. Jerry and George are alone inside. Jerry: What's taking him so long out there? George: Didja see the way she was looking at me? Jerry: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!

Dan: Elaine?

George: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though. Jerry: Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do?

Tim: With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave. George: Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me?

George: I don't know. Tim: You are. Jerry: Let's just make a run for it. George: I can't run, I have a bad hamstring.

George: And who's responsible for making hate mongering and fascism popular again?

Jerry: How'd that happen? Tim: You are. George: I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it.

George: Good. I think you forgot something. Tim: I'm sorry. George: Good. Now get out.

Jerry: I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that.

Tim leaves. George: Okay, what are we gonna do?

George: For a mental patient. Wait a minute, the phone, we'll call the police. George grabs the phone and dials. George: 9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything. Hello, police? Uh, yeah listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens--

Jerry: I don't know. George: Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city. Jerry: Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city.

Tim re-enters the limo. George: --Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will.

Cut back to Elaine and Kramer on the corner. Kramer: I'm telling you, something's going on. I can feel it, sense it.

Tim: We'll be ready in a minute. Elaine: I'm sure he was just joking around. George: Would you excuse us for a minute Tim boy, we're kind of in the middle of something.

Kramer: Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's coming in from Chicago,

Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my god. Yes. Yes! Elaine: What is it? Kramer: Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry, always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien are the same person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union!

Jerry: Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat. Tim: Sounds more like Scottish. Jerry: We were right on the border. Cut back to the street corner.

Elaine: Jerry's a nazi?!

Kramer: Maybe he's with the company.

Kramer: I can't believe I didn't see it.

Elaine: What?

Elaine: Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I know Jerry, he's not a nazi.

Kramer: The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within.

Kramer: You don't think so. Elaine: What about his comedy act? Elaine: No, he's just neat. Cut back to the limo. Tim: You know it's funny. You don't look like an O'Brien. George: Me?? George and Jerry laugh nervously. Tim: And you really don't look like a Murphy. Jerry: I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy. George: He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault. Tim: Where are you from?

Kramer: That's the perfect cover! All that time on the road? Look Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people. Elaine: What about George? Kramer: What about him, he's part of it. His whole personality is a disguise. No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you they're with the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy! Elaine: I'll bet they were even in on it. Kramer: Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna let him hurt you. (grabs and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna.

Elaine: Kramer, you're hurting me!

Jerry: No, he was talking to me, he's crosseyed.

Quick cut to the now approaching limo.

Elaine: It could be very confusing.

George: Those are my friends I was telling you about. We're gonna talk to them, pull over.

The limo phone rings Kramer answers it.

Elaine: Get off of me!!

Eva: It's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups receiver) It's O'Brien.

Kramer: Yeah? Eva?

The limo pulls over and George and Jerry get out.

Kramer: O'Brien? Well that's weird.

Kramer: O'Brien.

Eva (gun drawn): Who are you?

This attracts the attention of Dan and his friends standing at a nearby bus stop.

George and Jerry begin simultaneous explanations about how George's car broke down when he went to pick Jerry up at the airport.

Man: O'Brien? Is that him? Man #2: Yeah, that's him.

Cut back to Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.

Man #3: Look there's O'Brien!

Jodi: A limousine has just pulled up it's being surrounded by a huge group of protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene.

Man #4: Filthy nazi bastard! All four: Let's get him!! They begin running full speed towards the gang. George: What do I do?! What do I do?! Jerry: Get in the car! Get in the car! George, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer all jump into the limo which speeds off. Kramer (pointing to Jerry): O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks, Murphy? Tim: Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?

Cut back to the limo, Elaine has joined the group explanation, none of the three are intelligible at this point. Jodi: They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over. The police seem unable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr. O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first public appearance. Cut back to the limo. The explanations are becoming more heated and less understandable, the limo is rocking violently and Tim and Eva are becoming

unnerved. Eva: Get out!! Elaine: Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan! Dan: Elaine? Elaine: Hey! Cut to George in front of a news camera, the on screen graphic says 'DONALD O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union'. George: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry?! Jerry?!! Closing monologue. So I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World War Two movie and there was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always had like two separate heils. They had like the regular heil that they would do and then when they were around the offices they had like this casual heil, remember that one, you ever notice that? They come in, yeah, heil, how are ya, is the kid back with the coffee yet? Come on, are you finished with the copier? Yeah. World domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Yeah, heil, nice to see ya, can I have one of those donuts? End.

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Transcribed by Jon Cowan Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks) Seinfeld - 037 - The Good Samaritan Guest Stars Melinda McGraw [ Angela ], Ann Talman [ Robin ], Joseph Malone [ Michael ], Helen Slater [ Becky Gelke] Broadcast 4 Mar 92 Written by:: Peter Mehlman

Directed by: Jason Alexander --------------------------------------------------

Jerry: What?! Elaine: You can't let him get away with that!

(Jerry is driving alone talking on his car phone to Elaine at home in her bed) Elaine: You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker?

Jerry: Elaine, the guy could be dangerous. Elaine: What are you, yellow? Jerry: I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)

Jerry: It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person.

Elaine: Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella.

(Driver cuts in front of Jerry) Jerry: Oh look at this guy.

Jerry: Wait, he stopped, he's parking. Elaine: What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?

Elaine: What's goin' on? Jerry: Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in. Elaine: Did you get a thank you wave? Jerry: No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! Where's my thank you wave? (Jerry sticks his head out the window) Jerry: Give me that wave!

(Scene moves outside where Jerry get out of his car to confront other driver, who as they come out of their car, is an attractive woman) Jerry: Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering. (They both smile flirtatiously at each other)

Elaine: Jerry, are you free on Friday? -------------------------------------------------Jerry: Yeah, I'm free, why? Elaine: Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have dinner with her and her husband.

(Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry and George are talking by the table) Jerry: So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her.

Jerry: Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into a parked car, and sped off, right on my block!

George: Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech.

Elaine: You gotta follow that car!

Jerry: You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she left, she reached out and touched my arm.

(Reaches out to touch Georges arm to demonstrate) Jerry: He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine laugh) George: I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is that? Jerry: Let's not even analyze it. (Jerry begins walking towards door) George: So you didn't turn her in?

That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story. Jerry: I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all. George: I don't think so. Jerry: Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal!

Jerry: Friday night.

(Jerry takes a drink of his milk while both remain silent) Jerry: On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?!

(Intercom buzzes, Jerry presses the button) Jerry: Yep.

(Jerry looks at his cup in disgust) Jerry: What am I drinking, milk?

Elaine: It's me!

(Elaine enters, hanging up her jacket) Elaine: Hey!

Jerry: I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it. George: Gonna see her again?

Jerry: Come on up. Jerry: Hi. (Jerry unlocks and opens door) Jerry: By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything.

(Elaine tosses a sweater to Jerry) Elaine: Sweater.

George: Hey, hey, hey! I dig.

Jerry: Thank you.

(George walks into kitchen and opens cupboard to get cups) Jerry: Oh, you dig?

Elaine: So? What happened? (Jerry starts walking away) Jerry: With that?

George: Yes! I see enormous potential here. Elaine: With the car! Jerry: Why? Jerry: What car? (George pours two cups of milk) George: Because great couples always have a great story about how they met.

Elaine: The hit and run!

Jerry: Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens.

car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does two punches)

Elaine: Queens?! You followed him over the bridge?

Elaine: You know karate?? Jerry: I know a little.

Jerry: Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand) (George walks out of the kitchen) George: Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry. Jerry: Yeah, Queens.

Elaine: Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did do? Jerry: He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually. (Kramer enters) Kramer: Hey! (Group does likewise)

Elaine: So? Then what? Elaine: Did you tell Kramer? Jerry: So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey buddy! I saw you hit that car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?"

Jerry: Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away) Kramer: What? What? What? Tell me.

(Elaine gasps) Jerry: So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary." (Elaine stutters with her mouth open in amazement) Elaine: I am speechless. I am without speech. George: Tell her about the shoving.

Elaine: Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him. (Jerry looks at Kramer and raises both his arms smiling) Kramer: Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. (Pointing a finger at Jerry)

Jerry: What? Kramer: They should be sent to Australia. (George smiles pointing at him) Elaine: What shoving?!

(Jerry has a confused look) Jerry: Australia?

Jerry: Oh, it was nothing. George: No! Tell her. (Jerry looks at George with a grin) Jerry: Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the

Kramer: Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts. Jerry: But not anymore. Kramer: No.

(Everyone pauses and looks at Kramer) Elaine: Hey Kramer, Kramer!

George: You'll pay? I'm there. Jerry: Why do you even need anybody?

Kramer: Yeah? Elaine: What happened to you right here? (She pointing to her forehead) Kramer: I don't know! (Jerry smiles and shakes his head) Kramer: You know I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly I got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table. (Elaine has a look of surprise) Elaine: Well, that is, that is strange. Kramer: Yep. (Mumbles off) (Elaine walks toward door) Elaine: Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right? Jerry: Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date.

Elaine: Because I hate being at a table alone, with a married couple. Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As she's closing the door to leave) -------------------------------------------------(Scene moves to restaurant with Elaine, George, and the married couple, Michael and Robin, sitting down talking, George is mainly focused on eating his meal) Robin: You went out with a bullfighter? Elaine: Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now. Michael: Wow. Robin: What was his name?

(Elaine closes door and walks back toward Jerry) Elaine: But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed) Jerry: We just met. (Kramer is tapping his temple with his finger) Kramer: Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines. Elaine: But I, I can't go alone!

Elaine: His name? Name, um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Carochio. (George points across the table) George: Pass the salt please. Robin: Where did you meet him? Elaine: Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting uh, is that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the bull, they avoid fighting the bull.

Jerry: Ask George to go with you. Elaine: George, come on! I'll pay for you.

(Elaine and couple laugh, George points at the bread)

George: Bread. (Elaine hands bread to George) Elaine: I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life.

(Scene moves back to restaurant where an argument has developed between Michael and George) George: Really, I was, I was only kidding around. Robin: He was only joking Michael.

(Robin sneezes, no one says anything, George lifts his head and looks at Michael) George: God bless you. (Robin smiles) Robin: Thank you. George: I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth. (Chuckles)

(Michael throws down his serviette) Michael: You think you're so damn special because you say 'God bless you'? George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special. Robin: He was only joking Michael! Sorry. Michael: All right! Take his side!

(Michael stops pouring wine and looks seriously at George)

Robin: I am not taking his side.

--------------------------------------------------

Michael: Well who's side are you taking?!

(Scene moves to Jerry's car, where Jerry and hit-and-run woman are both eating an ice cream cones) Woman: You know who's a good actor? Anthony Quinn.

Robin: Well I'm not taking your side! (Robin sneezes, George gestures to Michael that the floor is his) --------------------------------------------------

Jerry: Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note. Woman: Did you ever see Zorba the Greek? Jerry: Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car. (Woman touches Jerry's hair, smiling) Woman: Come here. --------------------------------------------------

(Scene moves back to Jerry's car, where Jerry and the hit-and-run woman are now kissing) Jerry: Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize. (Woman pulls Jerry back in and starts kissing him again)

-------------------------------------------------(Scene moves back to Jerry apartment with George talking outside Jerry room, where Jerry is) George: I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong? Jerry: The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal. (George makes a confused look. The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks over and presses the button) Elaine: It's me.

(Elaine takes her coat off and walks into kitchen) Elaine: Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit! (George walks out of kitchen) George: Oh ya, like there's something wrong with saying 'God bless you'. I was raised to say 'God bless you'. (Jerry sneezes) George: Ah, shut up. Elaine: What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid 'stuperstition'. (Elaine sits on sofa, George sits on arm of sofa) Jerry: A stupid what?

Jerry: Come on up. (Jerry unlocks door, conversation moves into kitchen) George: Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs. Jerry: No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series. George: Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.

(Elaine looks at Jerry) Elaine: Whatever. Jerry: You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''. (Elaine nods, George rolls his eyes) Elaine: Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God bless you'. Anyway, she left a message on my machine, she wants you to call her. George: Who?

Jerry: What if she's having an off night?

Elaine: Robin!

(Elaine walks in, Jerry goes to sit down on sofa) Elaine: Hi!

(George looks quickly at Elaine) George: Why?!

Jerry. Hi.

Elaine: Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me. (George stands up)

Jerry: Entertainment Tonight's on.

time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?

George: Where's the remote phone? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: Bedroom. (George walks toward Jerry's bedroom) Elaine: Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you?

(Elaine claps her hands together then stands up) Elaine: That is it! Kramer: What?

(Theme music plays on TV, Kramer walks in, waves at Jerry and Elaine, then walks over to Jerry's bookshelf, dancing to the music. Voice of Mary Hart starts on TV and Kramer starts having a wild seizure behind the sofa.) Jerry: What's it like out? (Kramer continues to shake behind sofa) Elaine: Chilly out. Jerry: Can I take a sweater? Elaine: Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to.

(Elaine walks toward Kramer pointing her finger at him) Elaine: That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, just like, just like that woman in Albany! (George walks out of Jerry's bedroom toward kitchen, Kramer sits down) Kramer: Mary Hart! George: God. Elaine: What?

Jerry: Scarf? Elaine: Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.

George: Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.

(Jerry and Elaine finally notice Kramer as he finishes) Jerry: What's the matter? What's going on?

Jerry: Get together? George: Maybe she just wants to talk to me?

(Kramer is looking around like he's lost) Kramer: What happened?!

Elaine: Married women don't 'get together'. They have affairs.

Elaine: What? Kramer: I think I hit my head again! Jerry: What is wrong?! (Elaine is pointing at the TV) Elaine: Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last

(George walks to other side of sofa) George: Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money. (George sits on chair)

Elaine: Are you actually considering this? George: I can't have an affair with a married woman, that's despicable!

Jerry: I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards.

Elaine: Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note.

George: Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela.

(Jerry moves uncomfortable) Jerry: Yeah.

(Jerry sits down, disgruntled, flips aimlessly through a magazine) Jerry: Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!

around

sofa

(Kramer walks out of washroom) Kramer: Hey, you know who owns that car? Jerry: What car? Kramer: The one that was hit a couple of nights ago. Jerry: Yeah who? Kramer: That blond across the street. You know the one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.

(Jerry and George are both pointing their fingers at each other) George: You can't compromise your principles! Jerry: How am I going to live with myself?! George: Can't live!

(Jerry stands up and walks toward kitchen) Jerry: The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her. (Elaine nods, smiling) Elaine: Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants. (Elaine walks out door, Kramer follows) Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh? (Jerry closes door behind them, then runs over to George very excited) Jerry: The blond with the blue sweatpants! George: Well, who is she?

Jerry: I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line! George: This country needs more people like you! Jerry: Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk. George: I believe strongly in that as you know. Jerry: There should be more people like us. George: That's why the world's in the shape it's in.

Jerry: You're telling me.

losers out there.

(Jerry and George both flip pages simultaneously and start reading their magazines)

Robin: Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'. George: Well, that's a given.

-------------------------------------------------(Scene moves to apartment across street, where Jerry is talking to the girl with the blue sweatpants, Becky Gelke, outside her door) Jerry: Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or something very close to that. (Becky touches Jerry's arm, smiling) Becky: Well God bless you. (Jerry pauses) Jerry: Thank you very much.

Robin: In three years with Michael, not one 'God bless you'. George: Must be hell living in that house. -------------------------------------------------(Scene moves to Elaine's apartment, where she is talking on the phone to Michael) Michael: Hi, it's Michael. Elaine: Hi, Michael! Michael: Is Robin there? Elaine: Robin? No, why?

-------------------------------------------------(Scene moves to George's apartment, where George and Robin are together in bed) George: Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have I done? Robin: Oh no, what's wrong? George: What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery!

Michael: Uh, she said she was going to be with you. Elaine: No I haven't spoken to her all dayuh, yeah right, um, as a matter of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I have the note, uh, right here.

Robin: You didn't commit adultery, I did.

(Elaine sits on the couch and crumples newspaper into the phone) Michael: If she's not with you, then where is she?

George: Oh yeah.

Elaine: Well I, I don't know.

Robin: If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else.

Michael: Is she with your bald friend from the other night?!

George: Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of

Elaine: No, no, come on Michael!

Michael: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them! (Michael sneezes) Elaine: You're soo good lookin'. -------------------------------------------------(Scene moves back to Jerry's apartment, where Jerry and Angela are talking by the sofa) Angela: Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue! Jerry: Let me rephraAngela: I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head! (Elaine walks in) Jerry: Hi Elaine, this is Angela. Angela: I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth! (Jerry walks past her away from the kitchen) Jerry: Well I think I get the gist of it.

(Angela walks out and down hall, Elaine waves) Elaine: Very nice meeting you! (Intercom buzzes, Elaine hits button while walking toward Jerry) Elaine: Come on up. (Elaine laughs) Elaine: Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got this scenario right. Jerry: Alright Elaine. Elaine: No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city! Jerry: It was just a couple of blocks. (Elaine takes cup from Jerry and sets it on counter) Elaine: Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest! (George walks in open door, and into kitchen. Elaine walks toward him, Jerry goes to washroom) George: Hey.

Angela: So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car!

Elaine: Oh, did you check you machine?

(Jerry shrugs) Jerry: What car?

(George takes glass from cupboard) George: No, why, what's happening?

(Jerry hands Angela her purse) Angela: Good. I'm glad we understand each other.

Elaine: Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was. George: Yeah, okay.

Jerry: It's not complicated. Elaine: And I said I hadn't seen her.

George: What?! Elaine: No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name. George: He mentioned my name?! What did he say?! Elaine: He said he was going to sew your ass to your face. George: What? Why couldn't you think of something?! Elaine: Well I don't know, he caught me off guard! George: You lie! How hard is it to lie?! (Jerry walks back from washroom) Jerry: It's not that hard. (Elaine points finger at George) Elaine: Well who told you to sleep with her George?! George: It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador! Elaine: Oh Gosh! None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have said 'God bless you'!

George: She told this couple she had an affair with a matador. Jerry: A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name? Elaine: Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio. (Jerry uses hand towel to mimic matador) Jerry: Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Ray's Pizza! -------------------------------------------------(Scene moves to Becky's apartment, where Jerry is talking to her outside her door) Jerry: Anyway, this person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage. Becky: Well, I already got an estimate. It's $875. Jerry: $875? Becky: That's right. Jerry: Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back. (Jerry takes out checkbook, and start writing) Jerry: Um, who do I make it out to?

George: Oh don'tBecky: Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E. (Jerry raises his arms) Jerry: Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador?

Jerry: So, what are you doing this weekend? (Jerry hands check to Becky)

Becky: You have got some nerve! You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out on a date?

Kramer: I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and ran.

Jerry: I didn't do it!

Jerry: I-

Becky: Yeah righ-

Kramer: I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the building.

(Becky sneezes) Jerry: You are soo good lookin'. (Becky closes door) Becky: Thank you.

Jerry: I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else!

-------------------------------------------------(Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry is changing in bedroom and George is looking out window) George: Jerry, let's go! You ready? (Jerry walks out of bedroom) Jerry: You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three weeks!

Kramer: Now you're not going to lie to me, are you? (Jerry is putting on sweater) Jerry: No, never. Kramer: Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a date with her. Jerry: You got a date with Becky Gelke?!

George: Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the city.

Kramer: Yeah, going out with her Saturday night.

Jerry: Alright!

George: Jerry, can we get out of here?!

(George put his bag over his shoulder) George: Come on let's get out of here.

Kramer: As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her.

(Kramer enters) Kramer: How could you?

Jerry: Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can.

Jerry: What?! (Jerry yanks coat out of George's hands) Kramer: Man! I never thought you were capable of this! Jerry: What did I do?

-------------------------------------------------(Scene moves to outside Becky's apartment. Kramer is walking toward her

door, hair slicked back, with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He knocks on her door, she opens. Mary Hart's voice is playing on the TV in the distance. Kramer starts having a violent seizure.)

Originally posted Guys(Mike's) site

The

News

Episode 37 - First Aired on 3/25/92 Cast JERRY SEINFELD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Seinfeld ELAINE BENES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Julia Louis-Dreyfus COSMO KRAMER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Richards

Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site

Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact The Letter Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

GEORGE COSTANZA. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jason Alexander MR. LIPPMAN. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .R ichard Fancy NINA WEST. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Catherine Keener LEONARD WEST . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Richard Venture MR. ARMSTRONG. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Elliot Reid MRS. ARMSTRONG . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Justine Johnston USHER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .S hashawnee Hall Crew WRITER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Larry David DIRECTOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tom Cherones

PRODUCER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Seinfeld

KRAMER: (debonair smile) Well, it’d be our little secret.

COPRODUCER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Elaine Pope

(CUT TO: Jerry’s apartment)

STORY EDITOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .To m Leopold PROGRAM CONSULTANT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Peter Mehlman

GEORGE: (bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open! JERRY: I like the button fly.

LINE PRODUCER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joan Van Horn

GEORGE: (incredulous) What?

ASSISTANT PRODUCER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tim Kaiser

JERRY: That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking

=============================== =============================== ===============

metal teeth. It’s like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you doing today?

ACT 1 GEORGE: Nothing. (Nina’s art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry’s current girlfriend.)

JERRY: I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her

NINA: (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I can’t do this if you keep

paintings?

moving.

GEORGE: I don’t get art.

KRAMER: You sure you don’t want me to take my clothes off? (beat) I’ll do it!

JERRY: There’s nothing to get.

NINA: No, that’s the last thing in the world I want you to do.

GEORGE: Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.

KRAMER: Well, why don’t you take your clothes off? NINA: I don’t know... I don’t think Jerry would like that.

JERRY: She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now.

GEORGE: What for?

JERRY: I don't know how long this is gonna last.

JERRY: She sees something in him. GEORGE: Really? I thought you liked her. GEORGE: So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall.

JERRY: I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having

(CUT TO: Nina's studio again--same scene) KRAMER: Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat) Or, really, they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.

fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door) GEORGE: You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I?

NINA: Tell me about Elaine. (Nina opens the door) KRAMER: She and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.

JERRY: Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George.

NINA: But, they're still friends. KRAMER: Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together).

NINA: How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George nods)

NINA: Don't you think that's strange?

JERRY: (walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy!

KRAMER: Why, what's the difference?

KRAMER: Yeah!

NINA: Well, are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends?

JERRY: (to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings.

KRAMER: Well, you know... I, uh... have many relationships.

NINA: Oh, are you interested?

(CUT TO: the door outside Nina's studio) GEORGE: You know, I'm a little nervous.

GEORGE: (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested. KRAMER: George, you gonna buy a painting?

JERRY: Why? GEORGE: (gritting teeth) Yeah, sure. GEORGE: Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm

NINA: Are you an art-lover?

getting fixed up for a friendship.

GEORGE: I am an art-adorer! I adore art.

NINA: Great! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like. (George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to the painting-in-progress [Kramer] and picks up a brush.) JERRY: May I? (pantomimes making a big "X" across the painting)

GEORGE: All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout! NINA: (gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently looking at and happens to be holding) You like that one? (CUT TO: Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, and Elaine are being lead to their seats)

NINA: (laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands

GEORGE: Look at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's not

Jerry a small white envelope) JERRY: What's this?

stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher

NINA: My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday

abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?

afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.

USHER: No, no, these are your seats.

JERRY: (sincerely disappointed) Saturday... I'm working, I'm going

Oh,

GEORGE: She said first row! Right behind the dugout!

out of town.

ELAINE: Well, it's the second row. It's just as good.

NINA: Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. Do you guys want 'em?

GEORGE: I was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my feet up

KRAMER: (immediately) Yeah.

on the dugout!

JERRY: They're right behind the dugout, George, first row!

ELAINE: Would you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better than

GEORGE: Behind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them?

this.

NINA: Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant... it's the owner's box.

GEORGE: Oh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them) right there, that's better.

KRAMER: Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog? (Kramer

GEORGE: --and this is Kramer. KRAMER: Oh, hey.

hands out the hot dogs)What a great day! ELAINE: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.

(the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds) WEST: So how are the seats?

GEORGE: (amused) You're supposed to do that? ELAINE: (shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would want to

GEORGE: Okay. ELAINE: Great, great. KRAMER: Yeah.

go to a circumcision? GEORGE: I'd rather go to a hanging.

WEST: George, I heard you bought one of Nina's paintings.

ELAINE: Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father

GEORGE: Yeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what it costs.

in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)

(beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?

KRAMER: (screaming at the players on the field) YOU BETTER CATCH IT,

WEST: Well, if you have a lot of money.

JOHNNY, 'CAUSE PHILIDELPHIA!!

THIS

AIN'T

(Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds)

(a man approaches the trio)

WEST: (leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat -- to Elaine) I think you

MAN: George?

better take off that Orioles cap.

GEORGE: Yeah?

ELAINE: (thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better!

MAN: Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father. GEORGE: Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine--

WEST: No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the owner's box, and I don't think it's a good idea.

ELAINE: Hi! ELAINE: You're not serious. KRAMER: (screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE!

WEST: Yes, yes, yes, I am! ELAINE: Well, did he say that?

WEST: No, no, but he gave me the seats. I don't think he'd like it if

KRAMER: (getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.

you wore an Orioles cap.

ELAINE: (sarcastically, to George) Stay!

ELAINE: Well maybe you should ask him!

GEORGE: Okay, we'll go!

WEST: I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or

(meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's cap... the

not?

camera cuts to the field where the batter hits a pop fly to where Kramer

ELAINE: No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This

is: the ball knocks him squarely in the head, he falls off the dugout onto

is ridiculous!! the crowd) GEORGE: Just take the cap off. END OF ACT 1 ELAINE: George, we are at a baseball game! This is America! WEST: Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave.

=============================== =============================== =============== ACT 2

ELAINE: Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off. GEORGE: Just take the cap off!

(Jerry's apartment--day) ELAINE: ...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over

ELAINE: No! the railing! (a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking off

JERRY: Is he okay?

GEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security

ELAINE: Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you

over, they proceed to remove Elaine)

know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!

KRAMER: Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got here! GEORGE: (to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you?

JERRY: This is the most amazing story I've ever heard--why did he want you

to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!

ELAINE: Hi, Mr. Lippman. LIPPMAN:How's your father?

ELAINE: I know! Can you imagine that? ELAINE: My, my father? (Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead)

LIPPMAN:Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?

JERRY: How you feeling? ELAINE: Yeah. KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat--holds up newspaper) Hey, we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... we're all in the picture. ELAINE: Wha- a picture?

LIPPMAN:Uh-huh. ELAINE: I went to visit him. LIPPMAN:Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him? ELAINE: Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia...

KRAMER: A picture. LIPPMAN:But--but he's feeling better now? ELAINE: OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE?? KRAMER: Uh-huh. (they all crowd around, looking at the picture)

ELAINE: Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits. LIPPMAN:(correcting her) Boo-eed.

ELAINE: (gasps) I cannot believe this! ELAINE: What--what did I say? JERRY: (pointing) There's George! LIPPMAN:You said "boyed." KRAMER: Yup, yup! ELAINE: I did? ELAINE: Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father!

LIPPMAN:Yeah.

Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture in

(Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly removes

the paper!

Lippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver it into her

(CUT TO: Lippman's office. Lippman is at his desk, Elaine enters.)

lap, out of sight.)

LIPPMAN:Well, I got a plane to catch.

MRS.ARM:I sense great vulcrability. A land child crying out for love, an

ELAINE: Oh! Where are you going? innocent orphan in the post-modern world. LIPPMAN:Going to Houston. It's publisher's convention. (beat) Can I have

my sports section?

MR. ARM:I see a parasite. MRS.ARM:A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his

ELAINE: Ah. ...Yeah. most basic and immediate urges. LIPPMAN:I've been saving it for the plane. I never miss the Sunday sports

(CUT TO: Another part of the studio where Jerry and Nina are arguing.)

section. ELAINE: There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You know, the Yankees won, the Mets Henderson's unhappy...

lost,

Ricky

LIPPMAN:Right, right. (starts to take the paper from Elaine's hand; Elaine

NINA: She was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap off. JERRY: It's preposterous! They someone to take off a baseball cap

ask

at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?

holds on tight.) What, what are you doing?

(CUT TO: Armstrongs admiring painting again.)

ELAINE: Wha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is the THIRD

MRS.ARM:He is struggled, he is manstruggled. He lifts my spirit!

time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news-

MR. ARM:He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away.

papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs)

(CUT TO: Jerry and Nina again.)

LIPPMAN:Gotta go.

JERRY: Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we

ELAINE: Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty! (beat)

should just end this before we really start hating each other.

I'll just hold down the, uh, fort! (CUT TO: Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are admiring Nina's "Kramer.")

NINA: Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have to remain friends!

JERRY: Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with! NINA: Hey -- why don't you just go then! And -- oh, give this to George. Tell him he owes me $500!

JERRY: Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you something! GEORGE: I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a

(CUT TO: Armstrongs) different story. MRS.ARM:He transcends time and space. MR. ARM:He sickens me.

KRAMER: (entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in front of your

MRS.ARM:I love it.

door.

MR. ARM:Me too.

GEORGE: Hey, Kramer.

(CUT TO: Jerry's apartment.)

KRAMER: Hi, Mike.

GEORGE: Five-hundred dollars?! What?

JERRY: (looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina!

JERRY: That's what she told me! GEORGE: I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk!

KRAMER: (notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen!

JERRY: That's what it costs! JERRY: (reading note) Oh my god! GEORGE: Why did you even take it? You broke up with her! JERRY: I wasn't thinking! I don't know.

GEORGE: What? JERRY: This is amazing, you can't believe this!

GEORGE: You weren't thinking. GEORGE: What's it say? JERRY: Well, she framed it and everything. GEORGE: Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?

JERRY: Listen to this: "I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything

I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists,

Jerry: What do you mean?

because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness

Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened

and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will-

during the operation that staved off that infection. Something

ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity."

beyond science. Something perhaps from above...

GEORGE: WOW!

Kramer: Mint?

KRAMER: (emotionally) She's deep.

Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.

JERRY: (reading on) "...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-"

% Roy has other matters on his mind (not to mention he's eating the plate of % spaghetti like an absolute pig). Old habits die hard, I guess...

(Kramer blows his noes loudly) "...because I'm sure as hell fighting for you!" George: Yes I look forward to many years of looking at the triangles. Well, I'll wait for you outside. Roy: Hey, George... [kiss]

Roy: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? Elaine: I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're going to the Poconos on Friday, right honey? [pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend)] Jerry: I don't think so... Elaine: We are...

Doctor: Y'know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in

Jerry: I believe we're not...

your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.

Elaine: [Catching another glimpse of Roy eating] Please can we go to

the Poconos?

Woman: You don't know my name, do you?

Jerry: Well, I'll think about it...

Jerry: Yes I do. Woman: What is it?

% Back at Jerry's apartment...

Jerry: It, uh, rhymes with a female body part. Woman: What is it? Jerry: Mulva...

Woman: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting. Jerry: Really... Woman: And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my

% Oops... She leaves the apartment. Jerry follows and tries again:

playbill. Jerry: Oh, what're you saying, you got her autograph?

Jerry: Gipple?

Woman: Yeah. Jerry: Do you have it with you?

% And again:

Woman: Yeah, it's in my purse. Jerry: Let me see. Woman: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry: Loleola?

Woman: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [reads autograph] ...Joseph Puglia... Woman: I had it autographed for my uncle. Jerry: Yeah, I know...

% Nope. He goes back inside and goes to get something out of the

% refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light goes on % in Jerry's head and he rushes to the window to catch the Mystery Woman

different things when you're seven years old. ``Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower

% before she gets out of earshot. flavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.

Jerry: Oh! Oh! *Delores*! [End -- Time 18:00]

[End Act II -- Time 17:15] <Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">

% Closing monologue.

Jerry: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-obstacles in the way of

they're

only

getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that you

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love. ``I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven year old kid can taste the difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally

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=============================== =============================== ============== Episode #422 Originally Aired: Thursday, April 14, 1993, 9:30PM

=============================== =============================== ============== Cast: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Castanza Alexander

......................

Jason

Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDreyfus Kramer Richards

...............................

Michael

With: Susan ................................ Heidi Swedberg

=============================== =============================== ==============

Restaurateur ......................... Michael Des Barres

Production Credits:

Carl ................................. Nick Backay

Supervising Charles

Producer

.................

Larry

Allison .............................. Kari Coleman Hairdresser .......................... Taylor Negron

Supervising Cherones

Producer

.................

Tom

Executive Producer ................... Andrew Scheinman

Clerk ................................ Courteney Gains Car Washer ........................... Raf Mauro Mona ................................. Vieka Davis

Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Written By ........................... Larry David and Peter Mehlman

Salesman ............................. Robert Noble Wife ................................. Patricia Place Husband .............................. Walt Beaver

Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones =============================== =============================== ==============

Previous episode references:

=============================== =============================== ==============

Twelve(!) boxes noted, one of which is definitely Apple Jacks (second from

o Kramer's wood wallpaper ("The Junior Mints")

left), one is Total (third from right), one Quaker product, and one Post

o Return of Susan (George's ex-girlfriend)

product.

o Kramer continues his New York Yankee fascination

=============================== =============================== ==============

o Jerry references Superman *again*. Quotes and Scene summary: o ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' ("The Movie") o Susan details her life with Kramer, including snippets from "The Pitch"

=============================== =============================== ==============

and "The Cheever Letters" o Return of Allison ("The Outing") =============================== =============================== ============== Net reaction and comments:

% Opening monologue [Show didn't start until it was a few secs old-- don't % you just *hate* translators that start the show late? I *hate* that...]

=============================== =============================== ============== Fill in later...

Jerry: ...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you

=============================== =============================== ==============

are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the

The Cereal Report

stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell

you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a

Jerry: [mockingly] "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've

date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too.

become.

You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.

Elaine: What? What have I become? I haven't "become" anything... Jerry: Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes? Elaine: I don't want to keep him waiting...

% We open in front of a restaurant ("Kady's") with Jerry and Elaine waiting % for the valet to come and get the keys for Jerry's car. Jerry is amusing

Jerry: He'll like you more... Elaine: That's impossible...

% himself by trying to drive Elaine nuts by humming and waving his scarf % in front of her face.

% I'll buy that... Anyhoots, an elder married couple saunter by (yes, they % actually saunter)...

Jerry: Is that bothering you? Elaine: No, not at all...

Wife: Andrew, why do you have to pick your teeth at the table? Husband: Leave me alone.

% Amazing resilience, that Elaine has. The valet comes and Jerry gives

Jerry: Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon...

% him the keys. Elaine has some advice. Jerry: So, where am I dropping you? Elaine: Oh, could you please hurry?

Elaine: His place...

Jerry: This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop

Jerry: What is it? Elaine: I think it's B.O.!

you off at his apartment... Jerry: What? Elaine: *And* he gets the rest of my chicken...

Elaine: It's B.O. The *valet* must have had B.O. Jerry: It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this.

% No, that's no cleverly hidden euphemism. Elaine has a doggie bag from % the restaurant.

Elaine: Jerry. It's *B*.*O*. Jerry: But the whole car smells. Elaine: So? Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B".

Jerry: So, is tonight "the night"?

Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.

Elaine: You never know... Jerry: Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*! % They each do their best dog impression and stick their heads out the % The car arrives. They drive away. Soon, they discover something is % definitely amiss...

% window while they're driving. They come back inside. They moan % disgustedly and stick their heads out, again. % % We shift to Carl's rather nifty place.

Jerry: Boy, do you smell something? Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I smell something.

Elaine: I can't believe you ski! Carl: I'm a great skier.

George: This'll only take a second. Elaine: Yeah? What else? Kramer: Yeah, I'm going to poke around... Carl: Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder... Elaine: [delightedly] Oh! You "pillage and plunder"? Carl: ...When I travel.

% George goes towards the counter, but he sees a couple of girls holding

Elaine: See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet a man who pillages and

% hands browsing for movies (beside of a cardboard display for "A Few Good

plunders! I'm so lucky.

% Men"-- the irony, the irony...)

% Elaine! I can do those things! I can pillage! I can plunder! I

George: [to himself] Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A *lesbian*

% can pillage *and* plunder! I can even divide and conquer in a search

sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why is

% algorithm! Oh, never mind...

that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that...

% % They embrace and kiss, but Carl gets a couple o' whiffs of Elaine's hair, % and, judging by the look on Carl's face, he's not smelling Aussie Scrunch

% The couple turns around and one of the two is Susan, George's ex-

% Spray...

% girlfriend!

% % We shift to Champagne video where George is returning a movie with Kramer.

George: [to himself] Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do?

Susan: You okay? % George turns around so as not to be recognized, but I'm guessing his

George: Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.

% distinctive bald head gives him away... Susan: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman.

Susan: George? George: [to himself] Argh! [to Susan] Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are

George: Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*! Are you kidding? I think thats fan*tastic*! I've encouraged experimentation!

always

you doing here?!

I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to?

Susan: Renting a video! What do you got there?

Susan: I *know* who I'm talking to.

George: Oh, ... some stupid movie...

George: Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never *knew*, uh,

Susan: This is Mona.

that, uh... Susan: I liked women? George: There you go.

% George methodically extends his hand for a shake, bit by bit... George: So, uh, how long has this been going on? George: Oh, hi...

Susan: Since you and I broke up.

Mona: Pleasure to meet you.

George: Ssssso, after me, you... went that way?

George: Yes. Well... Mona: Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch up.

Susan: Yeah. George: Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very nice.

whole thing, there.

% Meanwhile, Kramer is practicing his golf swing across from an amused

Clerk: Uh, what are you returning?

% Mona. They can be seen talking in the background as Susan inspects

George: [embarrassed pause] ``Rochelle, Rochelle''.

% George's movie...

Clerk: Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"...

Susan: So, what have you got there? George: Oh, I, uh-Clerk: Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49. Susan: Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' George: $3.49? It says $1.49. George: It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is what it is, actually.

Clerk: Well, you didn't rewind it. There's a $2.00 charge for not

Susan: Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh? rewinding. George: No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's not even *frontal* nudity.

George: What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage!

It's... *sidal* nudity... Kramer: George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you less to

Clerk: Next. George: Oh, that's me. Susan: Alright, well... Good seeing you, George. George: Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with the

keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't give him the satisfaction. George: I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again...

% Ah yes, memories of Kramer putting thoughts into Newmans mind while % dealing with Ron (of Ron's Records). Anyway, we cut to the apartment % where Jerry and Elaine are bundling old magazines...

went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, and *demand* they pay for it.

Jerry: So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I

Elaine: Absolutely.

figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained*

Elaine: Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean? Jerry: It means he's lying.

strength throughout the night... Elaine: Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car. Jerry: What about skunk?

Elaine: Wow... Jerry: Why? Is that what he told you?

Elaine: I don't mind skunk.

Elaine: Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early some

Jerry: Horse manure?

time...

Elaine: I *loooove* horse manure.

Jerry: No. Never. Elaine: Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in the morning.

Jerry: Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I

Jerry: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will

*always* trade sleep for sex. Jerry: I know the list...

% There's a weird edit here like they cut something out... It didn't even

% Isn't that McGriff the Crime Dog?

% get a laugh from the audience. Anyway...

Kramer: What's that smell? Elaine: Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?

Jerry: What smell? Kramer: Ooooh... You stink.

Jerry: Anything's *possible*... Jerry: Whatd'ya mean I stink? Kramer: You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower? % Bite your tongue! % % Enter K-Man...

Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in the car! Elaine: So? Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me!

Jerry: What's the matter with you?

It's alive!

Kramer: Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life...

Elaine: If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl

Jerry: Oh yeah, Steinbrenner... Kramer: I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...

said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have B.O.! Me!

% George buzzes...

George: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism. Jerry: Oh... No, that's ridiculous.

Kramer: What happened? Jerry: What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's

George: What if her experience with me *drove* her to it? Jerry: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.

destroying the lives of everyone in it's path. George: The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told me she's *never* % In the car...

George: What is that? B.O.? Jerry: Yeah. George: This is *unbelievable* B.O. Jerry: I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like

been with a guy.

George: Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.! Jerry: There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush...

it. George: Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing George: So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this? Jerry: No, no. It's the valet guy.

now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.

Jerry: Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought...

Restaurateur: Really? Well, I smell you now. Jerry: That's from the car!

% At the restaurant, Jerry, er, refuses to have his car parked by the valet.

Restaurateur: Well, maybe *you're* the one who stunk up the car, rather than the car stinking up you! George: Oh, it's the chicken and the egg...

Jerry: Here he is... that's the guy! [rolls up window] No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back!

Jerry: Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse. Restaurateur: I don't have time to smell cars. George: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source...

% Inside, he confronts a snooty restaurant type guy.

Jerry: You've gotta smell the car Restaurateur: I'm a busy man Jerry: C'mon! One whiff!

Restaurateur: What do you mean-- "stunk up"?

Restaurateur: Alright, one whiff...

Jerry: I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink? George: Stinks.

% Inside the car, the restaurateur realizes there is some reality in Jerry's

Jerry: Stinks!

% story...

Restaurateur: Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has the odour... Jerry: Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy!

Restaurateur: Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you

let me out!

Carl: The valet had such bad B.O.?

Jerry: Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?

Elaine: Oh, man, just *rampant*, **mutant** B.O. The "O" went from the

Restaurateur: Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars!

valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...

% Jerry keeps him inside until he agrees to pay half ($125). To his horror, % George discovers that some individual has stolen ``Rochelle,

Carl: That's a relief...

sick

% Rochelle'' from the dash of the car while they were inside. He asks the

% How do *you* spell "relief"? "B" "B" "O"... Carl recoils from an

% restaurateur to pay for that, too...

% embrace from Elaine...

Restaurateur: I'm not paying for *that*. They've already got my seven

Elaine: What? Carl: It's still there...

dollars... [sarcastically] "...erotic journey from Milan to

Elaine: No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated!

Minsk"...

% Elaine corners the poor guy... % Hmm... $7.00. At $1.49/night, I'm guessing he's had it for 4 nights, % plus $1 for only rewinding it halfway...

% % We cut to the video store where George tells the clerk about the video. % Susan shows up and George asks her:

turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work? George: Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.

Susan: You're an idiot. George: Why? That's sociological question.

*legitimate*

Clerk: That'll be $98.00.

Susan: I'll see ya. And George, by the way... You stink... Real bad.

George: What $98.00?

George: It's not me! It's the car!

Clerk: That's what I said. $98.00. George: How could that piece of *crap* cost $98.00!? % Cut to Kramer waiting on a street corner...

% He borrows $35 from Susan to pay for the movie... Mona: I didn't think I'd come. Kramer: I knew you would. George: So, was it me?

Mona: Oh, Kramer!

Susan: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? [Gives him the $35] Here. George: Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.

% They embrace. End of Act II. I missed a couple secs at the start of Act % III, but Jerry is standing with the car wash guy. He's informing Jerry

Susan: Yeah, *sure*... I gotta go. George: Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take

% of the treatment that the car is about to endure......

Car Washer: We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the

doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce. Elaine: Tomato Sauce?

spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in

% Jerry doles out his $250 and gets in the April-fresh car...

your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri. Jerry: Let's do it.

% Cut to the hair salon where Elaine hears a similar tale from the

Jerry: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!

% Elaine visits Carl to present her olfactorywise magnificent hair.

% hairdresser.

Carl: It still smells. Hairdresser: The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine, and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and

% Jerry explains things to George back at the apartment.

condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted vinegar-- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that

Jerry: It still smells! George: How could it still smell after all that?

Jerry: I don't know! George: Well, what are you gonna do?

% Outside, a woman's voice is heard screaming and pounding on Kramer's door.

Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car! George: You're *selling* the car!? Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more

Susan: Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!

powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be

Jerry: Susan! Susan: Kramer!

helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can

Jerry: What is going on?

get for it.

Susan: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns

George: Maybe I'll buy it. Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing!

down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me. George: He stole your girlfriend? Susan: Yes. She's in *love* with him. George: Amazing. I drive lesbianism, he brings 'em back.

them

% Entrez-vous Elaine... % Kramer waits until George and Susan have left, then calls Jerry on the Elaine: I still smell! Jerry: You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's

% phone, and begins to explain the situation to Jerry (while coming into his % apartment, still on the phone). He realizes his silliness and puts the

the beast! % phone away, but continues the tale, explaining how Mona is a golf

% instructor, and how he's already taken six strokes off his game.

George: I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want? Susan: I just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*.

Jerry: That's the *least* of what you've accomplished...

George: Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other girls... Susan: You think so?

% Kramer explains further and borrows Jerry's jacket for his date with % Mona that evening. As he's leaving, Elaine asks the inevitable:

George: Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian. Susan: You're very sweet... George: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that

Elaine: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her

woman, I can't get you out of my mind. Susan: Really? George: Yeah, you're just so... hip.

*entire* life-Kramer: I'm Kramer. % A woman exits the bathroom and approached the table...

% Yes! Anyway, cut to George and Susan at Monk's... George: Oh, my God... Susan: What? George: It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me.

Kramer: I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment;

% Despite his hiding, Allison sees George.

it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.

Allison: George? George: Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you? Allison: Good. You know, you owe me $50...

Salesman: What year did you say this was? Jerry: '90.

George: Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison. Allison: Nice to meet you...

Kramer: Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.

Susan: Nice to meet you... Jerry: That's strange... Allison: That's a beautiful vest... Susan: Thank you... Salesman: How many miles you got on this thing? % Y'know George does have that cherubcupid look to him... Anyhoots, the next

Jerry: 23 000.

% day, we see Kramer and Jerry at the car lot trying to sell J's car. Kramer: And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm wearing *your* jacket...

Jerry: Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast!

% quotient. He stops short of screaming "TAKE IT!". The punk gets in, % and... well, let's just say he doesn't smell potpourri... Cut to the

% Speak of the Devil, the car salesman exits the car with an "Augh!"...

Salesman: I can't sell this car. Jerry: This... **thing**... has got to be stopped!

% closing monologue.

Jerry: Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense-- do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad.

% At the salon, Elaine rationally decides her fate to the hairdresser:

This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in

Hairdresser: So, what do you want to do? Elaine: Sauce me.

the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd go down to the drugstore and pick up some odourant and perspirant. You'd probably have a

% In a rough-looking part of town (I didn't know you had those in New York), % Jerry parks in front of a punk, tosses his keys in the car, and leaves, % making it *very* obvious to the guy that the car has got a high steal

dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car. And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear comin' out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important.

[End] =============================== =============================== =============

Transcribed by: Erwin Gerrits Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)

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[At the comedy club]

TTTT-

Jerry: I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decisionmaking body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful about divorce: you get impeached and you're not even the president! [Jerry's apartment] George: Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?

Elaine: We don't walk that fast...

Jerry: How could you not like the Drake?

George: No seriously...

George: Who's the Drake?

Elaine: Seriously, we don't.

Elaine: "Who's the Drake"?

George: The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see they out there on the street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on their ass.

Jerry: The Drake is good!

Elaine: (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna miss the previews! Jerry (coming out of the bathroom): What's the big hurry?

Elaine: So listen, what are you gonna get him? George: I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom) Jerry: Elaine, look. I drew this triangle freehand. It's a doodle. It's perfect! Elaine: So what? That's easy. Jerry: Easy?

Elaine: Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night?

(Kramer enters in his usual way)

Jerry: Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present.

Elaine: Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake?

George: I gotta buy a present now?

Kramer: Uh, no, no, not yet.

Elaine: Of course you do, it's an engagement party.

Jerry: Do you like the Drake?

George: It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake. Jerry: You don't like the Drake? George: Hate the Drake. Elaine: I *love* the Drake.

Kramer: I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette! Elaine: I'm lukewarm about the Drakette. Kramer: (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle... Jerry: It's Isosceles Kramer: Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.

Elaine: Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.

[George's car] Elaine: So what are we gonna get him?

Jerry: The chip-in! Elaine: Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?

Jerry: We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in.

Jerry: Yeah!

George: I like this area. I could live out here.

Kramer: Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely!

Kramer: Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together.

Jerry: You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room.

Jerry: Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now.

Kramer: No, no! My car's not running. (George enters washroom)

the

room

from

the

George: Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse me, are you gettin' out?

Jerry: What about your father's car?

Man in car: No!

George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.

Kramer: Why don't you take a handicap spot... George: You think? Elaine: No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot.

Jerry: Are you serious? George: I don't want to walk that far. George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks. Jerry: How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car!

Elaine: What if a handicapped person needs it? Kramer: Oh, come on, they don't drive! Jerry: Yes, they do! Kramer: Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?

George: Good thinking! Jerry: Good to meet you!

Jerry: Well there's spaces there, they must drive!

Kramer: Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped. Elaine: So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?

Elaine: What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming in 'thank you's...

George: Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to the "party"!

George: What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger, I'm allover crums...

Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.

Jerry: No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake! Elaine: Got to *love* the Drake!

George: He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?

(sound of police cars) Jerry: Hey, what's going on over here? Elaine: Must have been an accident...

Elaine: What does that mean? George: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.

(they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by a lot of people)

Kramer: Yeah, go ahead.

Jerry: (to a woman) Hey, what's going on?

Elaine: George!

Woman: Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Taken her to St. Elizabeth's...

George: Oh, come on, it's five minutes. (pulls into handicap spot) Kramer: Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked.

Jerry: Is she OK? Jerry, George, Elaine: Don't worry. We won't forget! [walking in the parking garage] Jerry: Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price?

Woman: I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. May not get out alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay! Jerry: Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and

get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.

Elaine: Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night?

(man hits George's car in rage) George: How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us! Elaine: (to George) Are you happy now? Kramer: Who would think these people we're gonna be here? Jerry: I don't know... Elaine: What about the party? What about the Drake? George: Screw the Drake! Jerry: I love the Drake! Kramer: Let's just take a bus back to the city.

Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying... George: What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands! Kramer: You'd think... George: I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that? Kramer: Most of them don't even have batteries.

Kramer: Why not?

George: Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.

George: It's my father's car!

Kramer: Yeah...

Man who hit car ealier: Let's smash it!

George: Well, I'm sorry!

Everybody: Yeah! Yeah!

Elaine: Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now...

George: Can't leave the car here!

Jerry: Let's get out of here. [coffee shop]

George: How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan!

George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?

Jerry: I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine.

Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?

Elaine: Me? Jerry: Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman!

Elaine: Oh, they won't? Jerry: Not if they don't know you... Elaine: I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea!

George: Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial epiphates at us... I could have been killed! Estelle: (to Frank) I told you not to give it to him!

Kramer: No chance in hell! Jerry: What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started screaming: "There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!" And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car! George: That's good, we'll give it a try...

Frank: (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole thing is a total loss! Mahjongh lady: Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt! Frank: No it isn't! Mahjongh lady: So what are you doing now, Georgie?

Elaine: That's good... George: I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC... Jerry: That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!

Frank: Where the hell is my paper?

Kramer: Huh?

Mahjongh lady: You're writing a pilot?

[parking garage]

Estelle: With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the comedian...

(the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to pieces)

Mahjongh lady: So what's it about?

Jerry: (as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out...

George: Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be Jerry's butler.

[George's parents' house]

Majongh ladies: This is the same situation! Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler! (giggling)

Frank: Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years! (Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies) Frank: A beautiful Mercury! I specialordered that bench seat!

Estelle: Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens... He's a real trouble maker!

George: Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it...

[buzzer rings] Jerry: Yes?

Estelle: He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was nice... I don't know what happened to him...

George: It's me. Jerry: Come on up.

(Estelle wins at Mahjongh)

[Door opens, Kramer enters]

[Jerry's apartment]

Kramer: Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.

(Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo cookie)

Jerry: St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?

Jerry: (to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!

Kramer: Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her.

Elaine: Oh, yeah...

Kramer: Yeah.

Jerry: (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat?

Jerry: Wow, what happened?

Elaine: Sure! Jerry: (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you later... bye... Jerry: The Drake is great! Elaine: Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them.

Elaine: You went to see her?

Kramer: I'm in love. Jerry: What? Kramer: Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking. Jerry: Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much. [George enters] Kramer: Ah, I'm glad you're here.

Jerry: Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.

George: What?

Kramer: Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair. George: A wheelchair? What for? Kramer: Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one! George: Doesn't she have collision? Kramer: George, I'm in love with her!

Salesman: This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like... you're almost glad to be handicapped. Kramer: So now, what's this got? Salesman: Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put Stephen Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.

George: Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can get her one.

George: How much?

Kramer: No! She needs it now!

George: Do you have something a little more... less expensive?

Salesman: 6200.

George: What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in? [At the Drake's] Kramer: Well... Elaine: Hey, we told you not to park there!

(The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch)

George: Can't we just fix the old one?

Jerry and Elaine: Hey Drake! Hi Drake!

Kramer: Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along, we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want?

Jerry:Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that! Elaine: My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away or what? The Drake: Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic...

George: Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT NEVER ENDS!

(Jerry sits down next to Alison) Jerry: I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight....

[at Surgical Appliances] Elaine: Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh?

Jerry: So where're we eatin'?

Elaine: I'm *really* hungry!

Salesman: Alright, this one is about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it, it was owned by some lady who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her cat.

The Drake: ... we just broke up...

Kramer: But this'll get you around?

Jerry: When did this happen?

Salesman: Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of the thrills of the Cougar.

The Drake: Well, actually... Jerry...

The Drake: About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys... whew!

George: Like what?

Jerry (looking at the TV): Look at the picture on this thing...

Salesman: damping.

Elaine: Oh, cristal clear!

Kramer: Now what's that?

Jerry: They know how to make 'em...

Salesman: It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's tremors or spasticity.

(The Drake starts sobbing) Elaine: Are there any restaurants around here?

good

Italian

For

example,

your

tremor-

Kramer: Well, is it alright if I try it? Salesman: Hop in!

The Drake (through his Gagliano's... that's pretty good...

sobbing): (Kramer sits down, and likes it)

Jerry: Well... we should...

Kramer: Oh yeah!

Elaine: Get movin'...

(Salesman is laughing)

Jerry: Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best.

Salesman: I tell ya...

Elaine: Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison! (The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control out the door then returns) Elaine: Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television...

(Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his) Salesman: When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me why I got into this business in the first place. George: How much?

[at Surgical Appliances]

(Kramer crashes wheelchairs)

into

some

some of the cost of the wheelchair. Jerry: I don't know about defraying.

Salesman: How about $240? George: Why? George & Kramer: We'll take it! Jerry: We're not gettin' that TV. [Jerry's appartment] Elaine: Drake gave her the TV?

George: What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's business.

Jerry: He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.

Elaine: The Drakette took it.

Elaine: Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV!

George: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs there's no hers, it should be ours.

Jerry: I know it is! Elaine: Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake! Jerry: I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again.

Elaine: Well, she has it! George (upset): I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake! George: Maybe we should call her. Elaine: Well, who's gonna call? Jerry: You are.

Elaine: They don't know anybody in Chicago.

Elaine: What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?

Jerry: Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV.

Jerry: Because that's your thing!

(George enters) George: Hey. Jerry: Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up. George (excited): The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic! Now we get the TV back! It'll help defray

Elaine: What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my "thing"? Jerry: Yeah, that's your thing. Elaine: Alright, gimme the phone... it's my "thing"... (Elaine starts dialling)

Jerry (to George): You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo. George: Really?

[At George's parents' place]

(Alison through phone): Hello?

Lady: And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, who has earned the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer Representative of the Month!

Elaine: Alison! Hi, this is Elaine...

(applause)

(Alison through phone): I gave all the gifts to charity.

Lady: Due to his tireless effort, he personally raised over $22,000. That's a lot of wheelchairs!

Jerry: Yeah. George: I could see that...

Elaine: Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the Drake... (Alison though phone): I hate the Drake.

(applause, door bel rings) Lady: On behalf of the United Volunteers of Greater New York, we thank you!

Elaine: Everybody does. Bye-bye.... (Elaine hangs up the phone)

(Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in)

Elaine: She gave it to charity.

Frank: Well... thank you very much!

Jerry: Charity?!? That's apalling.

Cop: Mr. Costanza?

George: How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate!

Frank: Yes? Cop: You're under arrest.

(Kramer enters) Frank: Under arrest? What for? Kramer: Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see George, the whole incident was a God blessing! Yeah! George: You mean a blessing in disguise? Kramer: Yeah....

Cop: Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic code 342-A. Frank: What's that? Cop: Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go... Frank: George! George!

[Jerry's appartment] Jerry: Your father got arrested? For what? George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.

Kramer: Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me, look at my face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful? George: ...you're very attractive... Kramer: yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead!

Jerry: Ho-ly! Jerry: Drop dead? George: Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back...

George: Boy, even I never heard that one... Jerry: She's pretty rough!

Jerry: So what are you gonna do?

Kramer: Yeesh-jip!

George: I agreed to become his butler.

George: Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.

Jerry: What? Jerry: 240 bucks? (Kramer enters) George: Well, it was slightly used... Jerry: What's the matter? Jerry: Used? Kramer: It's over! Jerry: What's over?

[cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that don't work, screaming]

Kramer: Me and Lola.... George: The woman wheelchair for?

bought

the

[George's parents' place] (George's vaccuuming)

Kramer: Yeah, she dumped me! Jerry: She dumped you?

Frank (picking up his shoes): I don't think you did such a good job on these...

Kramer: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus?

(George turns off the vaccuum)

Jerry & George (hesitatingly): ... no...

Frank: You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there?

George: What!?

Elaine: I do. (Phone rings) George: Will they give us cash? Frank: Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about that?... Right down a hill huh? Okay! Alight! Bye! (hangs up the phone)

Jerry: That's their policy. George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...

Frank: George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me (scribbles something on a piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes.

Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?

George: Sons of bitches!

-End-

Frank: Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it to her.

Originally posted Guys(Mike's) site

George: What if there is a fire? Kramer: What are the chances of that?

The

News

George: Big screen TV? Frank: Do you think you can handle it? [At the Drakette's] (knock on door, the Drakette opens) Alison: Yes? George: Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the TV. Alison: Oh great, it's right over there.

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Kramer: Ooh, it's a big one! {All four inside a delivery van outside the mall) George: Who's got the receipt?

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KRAMER: Why can't I play Kramer? JERRY: Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor! KRAMER: Neither are you. JERRY: I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act? KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny. JERRY: My grandmother's in the hospital.

Transcribed by "The Maestro" Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)

KRAMER: Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital! JERRY: This is real believable. KRAMER: What you didn't think I was really laughing?

THE PILOT (1) JERRY: It stinks. [setting: night club] KRAMER: Let me see you do it. JERRY: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. [setting: Jerry's] (Jerry is entering his apartment, following by Kramer)

JERRY: Say something funny. KRAMER: Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely. JERRY: Ah.......... KRAMER: Mine was better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too) (George enters while they're both laughing) GEORGE: Why are two pretending to be laughing? JERRY: We're acting. (they stop laughing)

GEORGE: Oh, real good. (George makes a face like: you stink) Any word from NBC? JERRY: No. GEORGE: I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it. KRAMER: (to Jerry) Well at least let me audition.

RUSSELL: Yes I know. I just-- I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since that-- that day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret) ELAINE: Russell, you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks up the bowl of munchies on the table) RUSSELL: But I want you.

JERRY: (to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot. KRAMER: (to George) Yeah!

ELAINE: God I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table. Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things (she does).

GEORGE: Out of the question. RUSSELL: Is it something I said... or did? KRAMER: Oughh! GEORGE: (to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing? (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like: he doesn't know) (scene ends) [setting: Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant] (Elaine and Russell are sitting down at a table)

ELAINE: Um... Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem. RUSSELL: Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.

RUSSELL: I really appreciate you coming. ELAINE: Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time though. So... RUSSELL: All right, first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls. It's just-It's just-- (awkward pause) I don't understand, we went out once... ELAINE: That was two months ago.

ELAINE: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy. RUSSELL: Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking show. ELAINE: Really? What is it about?

RUSSELL: (a little more enthusiast) Well, really, it's very unusual. It's about nothing.

JERRY: (to George) Again with the sweat pants?

ELAINE: (surprised) What do you mean it's about nothing?

GEORGE: What? I'm comfortable.

RUSSELL: (starts doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, what did you do today? ELAINE: Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here.

JERRY: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." (George is baffled)

RUSSELL: There's a show. that's a show.

KRAMER: (to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other)

ELAINE: Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work (she gets up). So...

JERRY: (to Kramer) Who is it? KRAMER: That's NBC.

RUSSELL: (stops doing George, he's down again) Elaine, When--when--when are we gonna see each other again. ELAINE: I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her leaving). (scene ends)

JERRY: NBC!?! Give me the phone! KRAMER: I'm in conversation here.

the

middle

JERRY: Get off the phone! KRAMER: (to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up)

[setting: Jerry's] (back to when we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George. Jerry is answering the phone while Kramer is about to go back into his apartment) JERRY: Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you. GEORGE: He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag) (Kramer sits down and starts to talk on the phone)

JERRY: You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it? KRAMER: Russell Dalrimple's secretary. JERRY: All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up) (to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed) (scene ends)

[setting: Dana's office]

DANA: I think you'd better go.

GEORGE: What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?

GEORGE: Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)

DANA: That'd be wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful.

(scene ends) [setting: Jerry and George in a cab at a light]

GEORGE: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy. DANA: I thought you didn't believe in God? GEORGE: I do for the bad things. DANA: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is that on your lip?

JERRY: Where? GEORGE: Right here. (showing his lip) JERRY: Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack') GEORGE: (to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here? CABBIE: Yeah, it's like a discoloration.

GEORGE: What? GEORGE: Oh, my God. DANA: It's like a discoloration. It's white. CABBIE: Yeah, it's all white. GEORGE: (gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white!

DANA: You'd better get that checked out. JERRY: Would you stop? GEORGE: Better get that checked out? DANA: I would.

CABBIE: I would get that checked out if I were you.

GEORGE: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?

GEORGE: Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something.

DANA: I'm trying to help you.

JERRY: If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.

GEORGE: What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her)

GEORGE: Catch what in time? JERRY: Whatever it is.

GEORGE: You think it's something? CABBIE: Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers) JERRY: (to George) You know these squeegee-- Oh my God! It's crazy Joe Devola. (they both % ) JOE DEVOLA: (through the opened window's cab) Good luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls away)

STU: Oh you know I don't know. I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him. He walked right past me. JAY: He must be worried about the fall schedule. STU: Ah, it's a real bear. GEORGE: Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna be on TV the following week? STU: Yeah. Right.

(scene ends)

(the casting director enters with an actor)

[setting: NBC]

CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning for the role of George. (the guy looks very cool and casual, and has a lot of hair)

(Stu and Jay are sitting. George is standing in front of them, asking about his lip. The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting across from them on a couch. Jerry is in the back, standing and looking through the window. There's a box of raisins on the coffee table.) STU: (to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration. GEORGE: (to Jay) What do you think it is? JAY: It's like a... white discoloration. (we understand now why a sitcom needs so many producers) CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. guys, are we ready to start? JERRY: Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here. (George sits down next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and the box of raisins. Jerry walks over to Goerge and sits next to him.)

MARK: Hey how you doing? JERRY: kidding.

(thinking)

They've

gotta

GEORGE: (thinking) This guy's perfect. CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part. MARK: Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? (George is the only one in the room to find Mark funny) CASTING DIRECTOR: No. Why? MARK: Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the phone now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries".

CASTING Industries?

DIRECTOR:

I'm

Vandelay MICHAEL: Well, he-- he had his hands, you know, and uh, he was, huh, ...

MARK: Right. CASTING DIRECTOR: He was what? CASTING DIRECTOR: What is that? MARK: You're in latex. CASTING DIRECTOR: What do I do with latex?

MICHAEL: He was you know... he was touching and rubbing. (loud laughter) CASTING DIRECTOR: That's a massage. MICHAEL: I think it moved.

MARK: I don't know, you manufacture it. (scene cuts) (scene cuts) (the casting director enters with another actor) CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Michael Barth. Another George. (he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses)

(the casting director enters with a beautiful actress) CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Melissa Shannon. MELISSA: Hi.

ALL: Hi Michael. How you doing?

ALL: Hi. How you doing.

JERRY: Everything all right?

CASTING DIRECTOR: Melissa is reading for Elaine.

MICHAEL: I just came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. (everyone laugh except George)

MELISSA: It's like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Any questions?

JERRY: No you didn't. He knows he's bald.

MICHAEL: Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser?

MELISSA: So how about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that? (Jerry approves with a nod, George drops his notepad on the coffee table)

GEORGE: No, not a loser! CASTING DIRECTOR: Let's start with the second scene. You have it here? MICHAEL: A man gave me a, you know, massage. (everyone laugh except George) CASTING DIRECTOR: So?

CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down) JERRY: (getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her.

MELISSA: Oh, great.

(Tom and the casting director are into a scene)

(the casting director leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in front of Melissa and slides the chair very close to her)

CASTING DIRECTOR: What is this about?

JERRY: Alright, want to start?

CASTING DIRECTOR: Levels?

MELISSA: Yeah.

TOM: Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building... levels... with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting steps) with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits down) Like Ancient Egypt.

JERRY: O.K. MELISSA: Ahem. What was that look?

TOM: (standing) Levels.

JERRY: What look? MELISSA: That look you just gave me? JERRY: I gave a look? MELISSA: Yes.

CASTING DIRECTOR: I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that? TOM: Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter, applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee table)

GEORGE: Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George)

GEORGE: Very nice

CASTING DIRECTOR: Let's see some more Kramers.

GEORGE: Very nice Tom, that was terrific.

JERRY: Very good

TOM: May I? (pointing the box of raisins) (We see many short scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or small actors opening the door like Kramer does. Finally enters Tom Pepper, the guy that will get the role of Kramer)

GEORGE: Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins) JERRY: (to George) It was a wonderful reading.

ALL: Hi. How you doing? GEORGE: Yeah. Really. TOM: (to Jerry and very seriously) How you doing?

TOM: Well, bye.

JERRY: (smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good.

GEORGE: Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director)

(scene cuts)

STU: Now, I thought he was really good, very funny.

GEORGE: What happened to the raisins?

and running across the street to a restaurant: "Sorry, customers only" ...running into a movie theater: "Hey you need a ticket!" ...running through the park...)

JAY: Yeah, there was a box of raisins there!

(scene ends)

GEORGE: Did he just steal the raisins?

[setting: Monk's]

STU: You think he stole them?

(Jerry and Elaine at a booth)

CASTING DIRECTOR: (enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand.

ELAINE: So who's playing Elaine?

JERRY: Yeah, I liked him.

JERRY: (to Kramer) What are you doing here?

JERRY: Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress. ELAINE: Really?

CASTING DIRECTOR: You two know each other? STU: Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.

JERRY: Yes. ELAINE: Who is it? JERRY: She's an eskimo, actually.

KRAMER: That's true. (Jerry and George look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer have a shot at it. Kramer unfold the script and smile at Jerry and George, very confident.) KRAMER: (acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom?

ELAINE: Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding) JERRY: She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room. ELAINE: Listen, was Russell at the casting? JERRY: No, he didn't show up.

STU: I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end. KRAMER: Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves) (We see Kramer, groaning and holding his stomach, running down the hall, and opening the bathroom's door. Someone in there says: "Sorry buddy, full house." We then see Kramer outside leaving the building

ELAINE: You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful? JERRY: No. No you're not. ELAINE: Why do I keep setting you up? JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: (to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow. JERRY: Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management?

for another girl if you know anyone. (she walks away) ELAINE: You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too?

ELAINE: Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that.

JERRY: Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless.

JERRY: Beside that. Look at the waitresses.

(scene ends)

ELAINE: Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts)

[setting: doctor's clinic]

JERRY: What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them? ELAINE: Ah... JERRY: I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say?

GEORGE: You see, It's right here. It's all white... DOCTOR: Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this before. GEORGE: You've never seen this before? DOCTOR: I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that. (George grabs the doctor's arm)

ELAINE: Yes, I would say. GEORGE: (dramatically) A what? JERRY: What's going on here. How is that possible?

DOCTOR: A biopsy.

ELAINE: Do you think it's a coincidence?

GEORGE: A biopsy?

JERRY: No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.

DOCTOR: Yeah.

(the waitress finally came with the coffee) ELAINE: (to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here?

GEORGE: Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer? DOCTOR: Well I don't know what it is. (scene ends)

WAITRESS: He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr. Visaki) In fact we're looking

[setting: Jerry's]

GEORGE: A biopsy! GEORGE: You got mugged? JERRY: What did he say? JERRY: Mugged? GEORGE: He said he didn't know what it was. JERRY: Alright. So? GEORGE: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here?" JERRY: Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality. GEORGE: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip)

KRAMER: Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom. JERRY: Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building? KRAMER: It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and... (door buzzer) JERRY: Yeah? ELAINE: It's me. JERRY: Come on up. KRAMER: But now I have a big problem, buddy. JERRY: What is it?

JERRY: Can't you at least die with a little dignity? GEORGE: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?

KRAMER: Well, I waited so long I-- I missed my chance. JERRY: You didn't go? KRAMER: No. And now I can't get it back.

(Kramer enters)

(George gives back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom)

JERRY: Hey. What happened to you yesterday?

JERRY: The % thing to do is just not think about it.

KRAMER: I got mugged.

KRAMER: How could you not think about it?

JERRY: You're not gonna get the job.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Exactly.

ELAINE: Hey.

(phone rings, Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's arm next to George and takes a bite of his sandwich)

KRAMER: (mumbles and leaves) ELAINE: What's the matter with him? JERRY: He's a little backed up.

JERRY: (to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up)

ELAINE: Oh... ELAINE: Who was it? (George gets back from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich from Jerry's hand and sit on the couch.)

JERRY: TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part.

GEORGE: Elaine.

ELAINE: What about the dogs?

ELAINE: So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop.

JERRY: They're having sex in the hotel room.

JERRY: Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table)

(scene ends)

(Elaine goes into Jerry' bedroom)

[setting: Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier]

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee in my life. ELAINE: So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself.

(Jerry and TV Elaine: Sandi Robbins) SANDI: So, the Elaine character is based on someone you know. JERRY: Yes.

GEORGE: Apply for a job? What for? SANDI: And she's really your ex-girlfriend? ELAINE: Because, it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirt, untucked) GEORGE: It's a coincidence. JERRY: This is what you gonna wear? ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Uh, Huh, yeah. SANDI: I want to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her. JERRY: Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their

lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty. SANDI: How would she eat a hamburger?

JERRY: Well-SANDI: Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry)

JERRY: With her hands. SANDI: What about pasta? JERRY: Also with her hands.

JERRY: Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like-SANDI: Like this? (kisses again but with the spiral)

SANDI: Seriously... I want to experience everything she's experienced.

JERRY: I think you got it.

JERRY: Everything?

(scene ends)

SANDI: Everything.

[setting: Monk's]

JERRY: All right she cuts her pasta with a knife.

(Kramer and Tom at a the booth behind the cashier)

SANDI: That's good. What's her favorite movie?

KRAMER: I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long, and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. (faking to slurp spaghetti) Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You should be writing this stuff down... (waitress comes to take the order) Bran lakes...100%. I got a big problem.

JERRY: Shaft. SANDI: You got to get me a picture. What about sex? JERRY: She likes talking during sex.

TOM: I'll have a hamburger. That's it. SANDI: Oh... dirty talking? JERRY: No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi-(looking at his watch) SANDI: Elaine. JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf. TOM: This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you. KRAMER: You gotta play him like me. I'm Karmer.

SANDI: Call me Elaine. TOM: I'm Kramer. JERRY: All right. Elaine. KRAMER: Whoa, I'm Kramer. SANDI: How does Elaine kiss?

(scene cuts to Elaine who enters and walks to the manager) Mr. VISAKI: (foreign accent) What can I do for you? Would you like a table. ELAINE: No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job.

waitresses, and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and he rejected me. FRED: (to a guy in the hall at the water cooler machine) Paul. Come in for a second. I want you to listen to this. PAUL: (to Elaine) Hi.

Mr. VISAKI: (looks Elaine up and down) Have you ever waited on tables before.

ELAINE: Hi.

ELAINE: Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified.

FRED: Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring large-breasted women.

Mr. VISAKI: I don't think I need anyone else right now.

(Part 1 ends)

ELAINE: You're in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves) Mr. VISAKI: What? What did I do? (scene ends) [setting: The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office] ELAINE: Anyway there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie.

PAUL: (to Elaine) Really?

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FRED: Who's Russ Meyer? ELAINE: Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to say. FRED: Anyway, go on. ELAINE: Um... Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for

The Pilot (2) Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

TOM: I can't believe that. They fooled *me* Jerry. RITA: (to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer, smiles stupidly) GEORGE: Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling: "take #!") This--This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going: "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more: "They *fooled* me Jerry!". You see the difference?

[setting: NBC, pilot's set] TOM: I'm not gonna say it like that. (Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay, Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers)

GEORGE: Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy)

TOM: What do you mean made up?

YELLING GUY: (with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All right everybody, take a five.

JERRY: It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.

GEORGE: (very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five!

TOM: You're crazy. JERRY: No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish? MICHAEL: What do you mean Danish? GEORGE: (to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael) JERRY: Danish. Is it from Denmark? MICHAEL: No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name.

JERRY: George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines. GEORGE: Why is that? JERRY: I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing? GEORGE: Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter

to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins? JERRY: Why would he steal a box of raisins?

SANDI: If that's what you want. JERRY: I don't even know what you're talking about. SANDI: Fine. Break up with me.

GEORGE: Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously) (scene cuts to the bleachers with the producers) RITA: (to Jay about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell?

JERRY: All right. We're broken up. SANDI: (little pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead and wondering what's going on) (scene cuts to George and Tom standing, backstage)

RUSSELL: What? RITA: You O.K.? RUSSELL: Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second. (he gets up and leaves) (scene cuts to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going through their copy of the script) SANDI: What's the matter? JERRY: Nothing. SANDI: You're acting weird. Is anything wrong? JERRY: No.

GEORGE: Remember when you came to audition for us? TOM: Yeah. GEORGE: There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left? TOM: What are you talking about? GEORGE: Well we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you--you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you. TOM: Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins?

SANDI: Are you breaking up with me? GEORGE: Oh, no, no-JERRY: Are we going out? SANDI: You're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying) JERRY: Do you want me to break up with you?

TOM: (angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!? GEORGE: No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)

TOM: Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.?

any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell) What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell leaves)

GEORGE: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really.

GEORGE: The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.

(scene cuts to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with Elaine)

(scene ends) [setting: Jerry's]

JERRY: Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying. GEORGE: What do you mean?

RUSSELL: (nervously, almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do? Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this. Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him) DAVID: Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry. RUSSELL: All right. All right. What's your name? DAVID: David Richardson.

JERRY: Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing! GEORGE: Come on you're... uh... you're fine. JERRY: This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this. GEORGE: What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease. JERRY: This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind.

RUSSELL: Get out! You're fired! DAVID: But Mr. Dalrimple-RUSSELL: Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know where I live? I can have

GEORGE: The threatened me.

guy

playing

Kramer

JERRY: Why? GEORGE: 'cause I asked him about the raisins. JERRY: You mentioned the raisins.

GEORGE: Oh yeah. JERRY: Did he take 'em?

ELAINE: Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway. JERRY: (to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night?

GEORGE: I don't know. JERRY: Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em?

ELAINE: No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit.

GEORGE: That's what I'm trying to find out.

JERRY: Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you.

(Kramer enters slowly and carefully) JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable.

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: We need you there!

JERRY: Any luck?

ELAINE: (to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?

KRAMER: No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis. JERRY: What about bran? KRAMER: I tried bran-- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me.

KRAMER: No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves) (scene ends) [setting: NBC, pilot's set, the taping]

JERRY: Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.

The taping is about to begin. People are walking into the studio.

KRAMER: Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area. JERRY: Oh, it's not that bad!

Jerry is getting a makeup. Michael walks around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated. Rita, Stu and Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing.

GEORGE: Yes it is. George looks at his lip in a mirror. (Elaine enters) Tom is sitting in his dressing room, eating the raisins.

Elaine walks into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde short-haired wig, and also wearing bold glsasses. Scene cuts to the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded apparatus.

MICHAEL: I can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em! JERRY: You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing! MICHAEL: Help me Jerry! Help me!

Sandi, sitting next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is having her hair done. SANDI: (to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher! Higher! Make a wall! A wall! ASSISTANT DRESSER: Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi? JERRY: Try Elaine.

(scene cuts to the producers in the crowd) RITA: (to Stu) Where is Russell? STU: You know I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it. JAY: He hasn't been well. STU: (to Rita) Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman.

ASSISTANT DRESSER: Elaine? RITA: How pathetic. SANDI: Yes? (scene cuts to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with her disguise, and a guy behind her taps on her shoulder) WILTON: Elaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember?

(scene cuts to George on the same phone as Russell earlier) GEORGE: This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up)

ELAINE: Oh, right. WILTON: Wow! You know you haven't changed a bit. (scene cuts to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously. He sees Jerry and runs to him) MICHAEL: I can't remember my lines!!!

(scene cuts to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there) (scene cuts to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded apparatus) (scene cuts to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips. Tom is staring at him, George notices him, and aborts a doubledip)

JERRY: Just relax, you'll be fine. GEORGE: (he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our

problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh.

[setting: Jerry's] GEORGE: Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin? JERRY: Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln. GEORGE: Really? What does it mean? JERRY: It means: "Death to tyrants". GEORGE: I can see that.

TOM: How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat? (scene cuts to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd) PAT HAZELL: Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right. (scene cuts to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus, then closing his bathroom's door.)

(Elaine enters) ELAINE: See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already? JERRY: No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal? ELAINE: Nah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it. GEORGE: Yeah, me too.

(scene cuts to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the crowd)

JERRY: Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him?

JERRY: Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry--

ELAINE: No.

JOE DEVOLA: (getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and on the stage. The crowd is yelling) (scene ends)

JERRY: Strange. Even not showing up at the taping... (Kramer enters, singing and dancing) KRAMER: Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!! JERRY: Well, well, well. ELAINE: Congratulations.

KRAMER: Well, thank you. GEORGE: You went for the big "E". KRAMER: Wet and wild. JERRY: All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start. KRAMER: Oh, yes. (Elaine finds something under the couch cushions) ELAINE: Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet.

(Jerry's doing his stand-up routine at a comedy club. There's the music theme and we don't hear what he is saying, but the closed captions put that: "I get into a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have any insurance. So the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds like a sitcom, doesn't it?" We see the title 'Jerry', then, sitting at the comedy club, we see: Micheal, Sandi, and Tom, and finally Jerry, and the four of them make a toast while it's written: "Created by Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza".

JERRY: A wallet? Let me see that. ===[Jerry's]=== ELAINE: Here. (they all applause as the intro ends) JERRY: Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time.

ELAINE: Bravo! (Kramer taps George on the shoulder)

GEORGE: Shh! This is it! GEORGE: You hurt me. JERRY: How do you like that? ===[TV]=== (The show begins. There are three different settings while the show is on TV. Each line or description will be preceded by the right setting:

(Jerry's apartment, Michael knocks and enters) MICHAEL: Hey.

[Jerry's] Jerry's apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching the pilot.

JERRY: Hey George.

[TV] The pilot

MICHAEL: New sneakers?

[Viewers] Characters from the season 4, watching TV in their home and commenting on the pilot.)

JERRY: Yeah. MICHAEL: What do you need new sneakers for?

===[TV]=== JERRY: I like sneakers.

MICHAEL: How do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day.

(The Drake, who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The Handicap Spot'. They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a tiny antenna)

JERRY: Nah, you're crazy anyway. ===[Viewers]==== *** (Susan and Allison from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn, sitting on a couch) SUSAN AND ALLSION: (to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael) George!

THE DRAKE: Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein! ALLSION: Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna) *** (Ping and Cheryl from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we see sub-titles in English) PING: I can't believe you liked him.

*** (Sid and the housekeeper from 'The Old Man')

CHERYL: I thought he was dark and disturbed. PING: Real perceptive.

SID: What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! (the houskeeper starts laughing) *** (John-John and Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is under the bed sheets while John-John is sitting at the end of the bed, with the TV remote in his hands)

*** (Donald and his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm coming off the bubble, between his parents. He doesn't have the TV remote anymore. His parents are laughing) DONALD: This is a piece of crap! MOTHER: Donald, you used to like him.

MARLA: John, what are you doing? Come back to bed. JOHN: (with a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with?

DONALD: What a sellout! Give me that remote! MEL: No, Donald.

MARLA: Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!

(he grabs the remote from his father's hand and the three of them start to fight)

JOHN: Nevertheless...

===[Jerry's]===

***

(Jerry is getting a soda from the refrigerator)

KRAMER: Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over. JERRY: All right. ELAINE: You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler. JERRY: Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin.

TOM: Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do. JERRY: But I don't want to. KRAMER: Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on. (buzzer, Jerry presses the button)

ELAINE: Really? JERRY: Yeah? JERRY: Yeah. ===[TV]=== (doorbell, Jerry opens the door, it's the butler, Charles) JERRY: Hello, Charles. CHARLES: Hello. So, where do you want me to start today? JERRY: Why don't you start in the bedroom? CHARLES: (to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...

SANDI: (from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine. JERRY: Come on up. (The butler comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge) CHARLES: I need more Pledge. JERRY: More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house! CHARLES: Well, it goes fast. (Sandi enters)

(Tom enters) SANDI: (to Charles, very friendly) Hello. TOM: Hey. JERRY: Hey. The butler's here. TOM: He is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house.

CHARLES: Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom) JERRY: What's all this about? SANDI: We had a date.

JERRY: I'm not sending him to your house. TOM: Why not? JERRY: Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler.

JERRY: You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler? SANDI: Why do I need your permission?

JERRY: Because he's my butler!

JERRY: Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?

===[Viewers]===

(quick shot at [Jerry's] they all watch)

***

JERRY: You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you".

(Morty and Helen laughing) MORTY: That's terrific! HELEN: How could anyone not like him? ***

(end of the pilot and of the three different settings)

(Calvin Klein with Tia from 'The Pick')

[setting: back to Jerry's]

C.K.: I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.

ALL: (applauding and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah!

TIA: But he picks his nose.

ELAINE: Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.

C.K.: Nevertheless... ***

JERRY: Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up)

(Sal Bass and Sidra from 'The Implant') ELAINE: That was so good. SAL BASS: He's a member of our health club. Isn't he?

JERRY: Come on let's eat something. (phone rings)

SIDRA: Yeah... SAL BASS: You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?

ELAINE: You know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich!

***

GEORGE: Do you really think so?

(Newman sleeping and snoring in his chair while a baseball game is on TV)

ELAINE: Oh yeah. GEORGE: And God didn't kill me.

[TV] JERRY: (to the phone) Hello? (final monologue at the comedy club) RITA: Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson.

JERRY: Oh, hi Rita. RITA: I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network.

ELAINE: I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he? JERRY: No one knows. (scnen ends)

JERRY: Oh, my God. Did he get fired? RITA: To be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared. JERRY: Russell's disappeared? RITA: In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show. JERRY: You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago!

[setting: Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler] (Russell with two other guys in the Greenpeace boat) RUSSELL: She works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time, she'll respect me. MAN ON RAFT: You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires) (scene ends)

RITA: Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry. JERRY: Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up)

[setting: Monk's]

(Jerry and George stare at Elaine)

(The restaurant is full of men, some of them standing and waiting for a table. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enters)

ELAINE: What-- What are you looking at me for?

JERRY: Hey look at this. What is going on here?

GEORGE: It was you!

GEORGE: Well, well, well.

ELAINE: What did I do?

ELAINE: Nothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here?

JERRY: Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series? ELAINE: I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault. GEORGE: Yes it is! You're very charming!

FRED: Oh no. That's why we're here. We're checking things out.

GEORGE: Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve.

PAUL: Yeah, we're checking it out. JERRY: What a family! ELAINE: (to Paul) You're checking it out? Mr. VISAKI: My daughter Peggy. (a man is leaving the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's table) MAN: (to Fred and Paul) See you back at the office, guys. Mr. VISAKI: Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows. ELAINE: (to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this! Mr. VISAKI: Get away with what? ELAINE: Ah, "with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike.

GEORGE: Ah! Peggy. Good to see you. ELAINE: Hi Peggy. GEORGE: Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow? JERRY: What? GEORGE: Start looking for a job. KRAMER: You know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea. GEORGE: Are you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts.

Mr. VISAKI: Of course they're alike. They're my daughters.

(scene ends)

(they all show smiles of surprise)

[setting: Greenpeace raft]

ELAINE: (embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters.

(Russell fell off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The other man, still in the boat is screaming to him and holds the rope.)

GEORGE: You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki. Mr. VISAKI: Oh, here's a table for you.

MAN: Keep fighting matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes! I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye!

GEORGE: A table right here. Mr. VISAKI: Peggy!

(we see the script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean)

JERRY: So you like her? (end of the show) GEORGE: I think so. JERRY: You don't know? Season 5 (92-93) GEORGE: I can't tell anymore. The Mango Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

Transcribed by: Michiel Straathof (a.k.a. MHS) of the Netherlands [location: nightclub]

JERRY: Well do you feel anything? GEORGE: Feel? What's that? JERRY: All right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot? GEORGE: Yeah. JERRY: You're just straightening up or you're cleaning?

JERRY: A female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left.

GEORGE: Cleaning

You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked 'What did you see after the car went out of control?'. 'I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.

JERRY: On your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the whole deal?

[location: Monk's] JERRY: So, what's her name? GEORGE: Karin. JERRY: Is she nice? GEORGE: Great.

JERRY: You do the tub? GEORGE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Yeah. JERRY: Okay, I think you're in love! GEORGE: Tub is love? JERRY: Tub is love. So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment. GEORGE: Yep. There's one little problem. JERRY: Sexual? GEORGE: Yeeeaaah. Well..... I've never really feld confident in..... one particular aspect.

JERRY: Below the equator? GEORGE: Nothing. GEORGE: Yeah. ELAINE: Faking what? JERRY: Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort. GEORGE: I don't know. Last time I got the tap.

GEORGE: Nobody's faking. ELAINE: Ah! Orgasm? GEORGE: She's not faking! ELAINE: How do you know?

JERRY: You got the tap? GEORGE: You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through.

GEORGE: I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake? ELAINE: Of course. JERRY: Really? GEORGE: You faked?

JERRY: The tap is tough. ELAINE: On occasion. GEORGE: It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball. JERRY: Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.

JERRY: And the guy never knows? ELAINE: No. JERRY: How can he not know that?

GEORGE: No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that. JERRY: It's a very complicated area. GEORGE: You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.

ELAINE: Because I was gooood. JERRY: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway. (Jerry and George laugh) ELAINE: You didn't know.

JERRY: It's a haaazy mystery. JERRY: What? GEORGE: Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking.

ELAINE: You didn't know.

(Elaine joins them)

JERRY: Are you saying...

ELAINE: Who's faking?

(George calls a waitress)

GEORGE: I think I'll have a piece of cake.

ELAINE: Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then.

JERRY: With me?

JERRY: She faked.

ELAINE: Well...

(George smiles sarcastically)

JERRY: You faked with me?

JERRY: Maybe they've all been faking.

ELAINE: Yeah.

ELAINE: I'm sure they're not.

JERRY: You faked with me?

GEORGE: Maybe Karin is faking.

ELAINE: Yeah.

[location: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: No.

(Kramer is lighting his cigar on the stove)

ELAINE: Yeah.

KRAMER: She was probably joking.

JERRY: You faked it?

JERRY: No no, it was no joke.

ELAINE: I faked it.

KRAMER: She didn't have any?

JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?

JERRY: No. None. KRAMER: She faked 'em all.

ELAINE: Not bad huh? JERRY: Faked 'em all. JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake. JERRY: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this? ELAINE: Uuuhm, all the time. JERRY: All the time?! GEORGE: We got a chocolate malt in here! JERRY: But I'm so good. GEORGE: I'm sure you are.

KRAMER: Well so she faked 'em, so what? JERRY: The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury. KRAMER: You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times. JERRY: How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it. KRAMER: Yeah I could have helped you out.

JERRY: What could you have done?

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons body.

ELAINE: All right, see you later.

JERRY: I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.

ELAINE: Bye.

JERRY: Bye.

[location: Elaine's office] KRAMER: Aaaaah. (Rene walks passed the office) JERRY: Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her.

ELAINE: Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: have you ever... you know... faked it?

(The phone rings) RENE: Yeah, sometimes. KRAMER: Giddy-up. ELAINE: Really, like when? (Jerry picks it up) JERRY: Hello... Oh hello Elaine.

RENE: Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats.

ELAINE: So we're having dinner tonight?

ELAINE: Yeah, well...

JERRY: I don't know, I'm not really in the mood.

RENE: Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep.

ELAINE: Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you?

[location: Jerry's apartment] JERRY: I really don't feel like seeing her.

JERRY: What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast.

KRAMER: You know, I faked it.

ELAINE: Nooo, the other thing.

JERRY: What?!

JERRY: Oooh that. Well...

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it.

JERRY: You faked it? Why would you do that?

JERRY: Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty?

KRAMER: Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.

ELAINE: Okay.

JERRY: Yeah, but why would you...

(Kramer spits out his peach) JERRY: Bad peach?

KRAMER: You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.

KRAMER: It's terrible! JERRY: Did you get that at Joe's?

JOE: Well let me put a solution for you: do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business.

KRAMER: Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's. JERRY: That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best. KRAMER: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this. JERRY: You're returning used fruit?

KRAMER: Oh now you don't want my business. JOE: No, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned! KRAMER: But what am I gonna do for fruit?

KRAMER: Jerry this peach is sub par. [location: restaurant] [location: Joe's] JOE: So what do you want me to do? KRAMER: I want restitution.

(Karin starts moaning and lights a cigarette after finishing dinner)

JOE: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?

GEORGE: You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. You have a very contented air over there. You look very contented, very satisfied. Are you satisfied?

KRAMER: Because it's no good.

KARIN: I'm very satisfied.

JOE: When you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me.

GEORGE: I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you?

KRAMER: It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit.

KARIN: I probably would. But then again I'm an enigma.

JOE: I stand behind my fruit. KRAMER: So... JOE: Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.

GEORGE: Hey listen... instead of the movie... maybe we'll go back and... you know... KARIN: Maybe.

GEORGE: So... you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... generally okay with everything in there?

ELAINE: You're not still thinking about that are you? JERRY: Nooo.

KARIN: Generally. ELAINE: Oh good. GEORGE: Do you feel the way you feel after the Risotto?

JERRY: Give me another shot!

KARIN: No, I feel full after the Risotto.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Yeah... full.

JERRY: Another shot, I want another shot.

[location: (another) restaurant]

ELAINE: You mean...?

(Elaine dinner)

starts

moaning

after

finishing

JERRY: Yes! ELAINE: Oooh no, I don't think so.

JERRY: Satisfied? ELAINE: Hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie? JERRY: Meryl Streep? ELAINE: You don't like her?

JERRY: Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it! ELAINE: Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship. JERRY: Oh shmanship .

friendship...

friendship,

JERRY: Ah, she's okay. ELAINE: Jerry no, that's important to me. ELAINE: I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there.

JERRY: We won't ruin the friendship. ELAINE: Yes we will!

JERRY: Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you? ELAINE: I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill.

JERRY: Elaine... ELAINE: No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this? JERRY: A half hour, give me a half our. ELAINE: What's the matter? ELAINE: No! JERRY: Nothing. JERRY: Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!

ELAINE: No! JERRY: You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you? ELAINE: What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care. JERRY: That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it.

JERRY: Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney. ELAINE: Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic). JERRY: Oh what, you're upset? ELAINE: Yes I'm upset, can't you tell? JERRY: No I can't, maybe you're faking.

ELAINE: That is so ridiculous. JERRY: Come on, Elaine!

ELAINE: I'm really, really sorry I told you that.

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: I'm sorry too.

JERRY: Elaine?!

ELAINE: Well stop being such a baby.

ELAINE: No!

JERRY: You're a baby!

[location: Karin's bedroom]

ELAINE: You're a baby!

(George indicates that the sex went wrong)

[location: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: It's Jerry's fault.

GEORGE: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'

KARIN: Jerry? GEORGE: Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts. KARIN: Oh I don't care, George, really it's all right.

JERRY: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?

GEORGE: So you feel okay? GEORGE: I hate 'em! KARIN: Well, it's not like after the Risotto. [location: Jerry's car] JERRY: Well good night. ELAINE: I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.

JERRY: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.

GEORGE: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

(George leaves the apartment)

(Kramer enters the apartment)

JERRY: Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I just wanted to ask you a question: when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Okay, bye.

KRAMER: Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit?

(The phone rings, Jerry picks it up)

JERRY: Why can't you get it? (Jerry hangs up the phone) KRAMER: Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now. JERRY: What happened? KRAMER: Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and... well Joe doesn't want my business.

JERRY: Patty Lawrence had 'em! KRAMER: Okay, I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right? JERRY: Yeah. (Jerry makes another call)

GEORGE: Hey, was that a joke about Houdini? JERRY: No. (And to Kramer:) I told you not to say anything.

JERRY: Hello Elaine? Patty Lorens had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello?

KRAMER: Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?

[location: outside Joe's]

JERRY: Well you'll have to go to the supermarket.

JERRY: Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?

KRAMER: The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!

KRAMER: All right now here's the list.

JERRY: Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now?

JERRY: All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for? KRAMER: I like mangos. JERRY: Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado. KRAMER: Well they gotta be soft.

GEORGE: Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?

JERRY: How soft?

KRAMER: Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.

JOE: This fruit isn't for you. JERRY: What, what are you talking about?

JERRY: I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that? KRAMER: Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside.

JOE: You think I don't know? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer! JERRY: I can't buy mangos and plantains?

JERRY: Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?

JOE: All right, get out!

KRAMER: Oh! And get some plantains.

JOE: I'll tell you something else: I don't what your business anymore either.

JERRY: You're making a big mistake, Joe!

JERRY: Plantains? KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: You're saying you're banning me from the store?

JERRY: What the hell is a plantain.

JOE: That's exactly what I'm saying.

KRAMER: It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.

JERRY: I'm banned?! JOE: You're banned.

JERRY: You're not getting any plantains. [location: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry enters Joe's) GEORGE: All right, where do you want it? JERRY: Hey Joe. JERRY: Put it over there. JOE: How is it going? JERRY: Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chockfull of vitamins. I don't know let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... ooo, just right... and three plantains ought to do it.

KRAMER: Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, you did good George. (Kramer leaves the apartment) GEORGE: All right I gotta get going. JERRY: What are you doing?

JOE: All right, all right, just hold it right there. JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I got a date with Karin. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.

JERRY: You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it. GEORGE: I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.

JERRY: What is it? GEORGE: I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later. (Elaine enters the apartment)

(Kramer enters the apartment) ELAINE: Hi George. KRAMER: This mango is delicious! GEORGE: I'm back, baby, I'm back! GEORGE: That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twentyeight sixty.

(George leaves the apartment) KRAMER: Want some mango? ELAINE: No, thanks.

JERRY: Sorry, I don't have any cash. (Kramer leaves the apartment) KRAMER: I only got hundreds. GEORGE: All right I knew it. KRAMER: Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango.

JERRY: Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. What brings you here? ELAINE: Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house.

GEORGE: I don't want any mango. KRAMER: Come on, take some. It's good.

JERRY: Oh and I've got some things of yours here.

(George tries a piece)

ELAINE: I know.

GEORGE: Very good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got some terrific fruit.

JERRY: Well I'll get them. ELAINE: I'm waiting.

(George looks a little weird) JERRY: All right. You got my fins? JERRY: What? GEORGE: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion! KRAMER: I told you. (George stands still)

ELAINE: Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips? JERRY: I got your poker chips. You got my goggles?

ELAINE: They're next to the fins. You got my cards? JERRY: They're next to the poker chips.

KARIN: What are you talking about? GEORGE: What am I talking about? Come on. You don't think I bought all that?

(They switch bags) KARIN: What, what? ELAINE: All right and that just about... does it. JERRY: I guess.

GEORGE: You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. You really had me going there for a minute.

ELAINE: Okay, well... see you around.

KARIN: You think I was faking?

JERRY: Yeah, see you.

GEORGE: Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it.

(Elaine opens the door and then closes it again)

KARIN: I'd like you to leave. ELAINE: All right, let's go, I give you half an hour. JERRY: What?

GEORGE: What?

ELAINE: Come on!

KARIN: I said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out.

JERRY: Are you serious?

GEORGE: But why?

ELAINE: Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

KARIN: Because I said so. GEORGE: I can't find my glasses.

JERRY: Sex... to save the friendship. Well, if we have to...

KARIN: Well hurry up.

[location: Karin's bedroom]

GEORGE: I need to look for my glasses.

KARIN: Oh George, oooh.

KARIN: Get out! Get out!! Get out!!!

GEORGE: Please, it's not necessary.

[location: Jerry's bedroom]

KARIN: What do you mean it's not necessary?

(Elaine is reading a magazine and Jerry is making desperate noises)

GEORGE: The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?

JERRY: It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. He got to me. And that

orgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure! ELAINE: You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?

GEORGE: How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me! They're insane! You know that. JERRY: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents.

(Jerry looks like he's got an idea) GEORGE: How can you compare you parents to my parents?! The Puffy Shirt Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

JERRY: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever! GEORGE: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers! JERRY: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.

Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: September 23, 1993 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus (as Elaine), Bryant Gumbel (as himself), Estelle Harris (as Estelle Costanza), Wendel Meldrum (as Leslie), and Jerry Stiller (as Frank Costanza).

[Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them move George's stuff back into his parent's house) GEORGE: I can't believe this! JERRY: Oh, it won't be for that long.

GEORGE: (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a teehee.. never went 'Ha!' JERRY: A smirk? GEORGE: Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there! JERRY: I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent. GEORGE: No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship. (Kramer stumbles in) KRAMER: Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents? GEORGE: I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank.

KRAMER: Well, move in here.

ESTELLE: So, how are ya, Jerry?

JERRY: (Stopping the notion) What's that?

JERRY: Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you..

KRAMER: Why doesn't he just move in here? GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet! KRAMER: You can move in with me, if you want.

ESTELLE: (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested. JERRY: No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys-

GEORGE: (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out.

ESTELLE: (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some bologna

(Scene ends)

sandwiches.

[Setting: The Costanza's house]

GEORGE: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!

(Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer clumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases) ESTELLE: Careful! Careful suitcases! We just painted!

with

the

ESTELLE: What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich. JERRY: No thanks. (Kramer enters with some more suitcases)

KRAMER: Hello, Mrs. Costanza. ESTELLE: Hello, Kramer. Close the door. (They set down George's luggage) KRAMER: Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door) ESTELLE: More stuff?!

ESTELLE: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer? KRAMER: Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door) ESTELLE: I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men.

KRAMER: Yeah. (Exits) JERRY: I really don't eat it. ESTELLE: (To George) How much is there?! GEORGE: (Annoyed) There's more.

ESTELLE: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them

home? Give them to someone in your building?

JERRY: Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves)

JERRY: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building..

(George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch. She's staring off into space)

KRAMER: (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else?

GEORGE: Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands)

GEORGE: (Muttering) No, that's it.

(Scene ends)

(A horn honks from outside the house)

[Setting: A Restaurant]

KRAMER: Oh, I gotta go move the car. (Leaves)

(Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing)

JERRY: Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door)

ELAINE: Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs)

GEORGE: (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going?

JERRY: Right.

JERRY: Yeah.

ELIANE: You remember that?

GEORGE: Wha - what are you doing later?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, that was a good one.

JERRY: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend.

JERRY: Well..

GEORGE: Really? JERRY: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was

(Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend forward, trying to hear what she's saying) ELAINE: What's that?

that?' JERRY: Excuse me? GEORGE: Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya? ESTELLE: No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father. GEORGE: (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.

(She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her. They give up - leaning back in their seats) JERRY: Yeah.. yeah.

ELAINE: Yep. Yeah.. KRAMER: You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer.

ELAINE: And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it. (Leslie starts talking. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear her voice)

ELAINE: (Interested) Oh? JERRY: Sure. KRAMER: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.

ELAINE: Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep. (Leslie talks some more) JERRY: Uh-huh. ELAINE: Yep.

ELAINE: Oh, a puffy shirt. JERRY: Yep.. JERRY: Puffy. ELAINE: Mmm KRAMER: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-maycare.. (Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have no clue what she's saying. They lean closer) KRAMER: (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes) ELAINE: Uh, oh! (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday. JERRY: Yeah, that's right! ELAINE: Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the poor, and the homeless.. JERRY: (Points at Elaine) And the indigent.

(Scene ends) [Setting: A Restaurant] ESTELLE: Maybe you should take a civil service test. GEORGE: (Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test. FRANK: Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver dollar? GEORGE: Yes, I've seen a silver dollar. ELAINE: Why don't you want to take a civil service test? GEORGE: To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do? FRANK: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a silver dollar collection?

ESTELLE: I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay check every week.. GEORGE: I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman? FRANK: (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia.

GEORGE: (Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me let me help you.. WOMAN: No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her things up)

ESTELLE: So what are you gonna do?!

GEORGE: It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So..

GEORGE: I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet!

(George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from him, then starts to admire his hand)

FRANK: I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today.

WOMAN: Hmm.. GEORGE: What?

GEORGE: (Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God.. FRANK: I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the waiters attention - starts snapping) Look at him.. He sees us.. he doesn't want to come over. GEORGE: (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air..

WOMAN: (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands. GEORGE: What about them? WOMAN: They're quite exquisite! GEORGE: They are?

ESTELLE: George, where are you going?!

WOMAN: (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling?

GEORGE: (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do.

GEORGE: Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No')

(Scene cuts to the front of the restaurant. George accidentally runs into a woman causing her to drop her purse. Items spill out onto the floor)

WOMAN: (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George) Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off)

GEORGE: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things)

(Scene ends)

WOMAN: Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag!

(George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (Shrugs) I - I don't get it. GEORGE: Me neither! JERRY: What is it?

KRAMER: Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs) GEORGE: What are you, crazy?! What are you, crazy?!

GEORGE: I don't know. KRAMER: What?! JERRY: They're hands! GEORGE: You coulda damaged my hand! GEORGE: This woman just set me up for a job!

KRAMER: (Laughing) But, it's only a toy!

JERRY: (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands.

JERRY: (Explaining) George has become a hand model.

GEORGE: What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off

JERRY: Yes.

comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand)

GEORGE: (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out. Kramer studies them)

JERRY: Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

KRAMER: Let's see.. oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine.

GEORGE: This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a

KRAMER: A hand model?

KRAMER: (To George) Really? Let me look at them..

GEORGE: (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going.

noise) I bop into this woman.. JERRY: Oven mitts? (Enter Kramer) KRAMER: Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks)

GEORGE: (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes) Would you mind getting the door?

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Yeah..

JERRY: Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George)

KRAMER: What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom?

GEORGE: Thank you very much. (Walks out)

JERRY: I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding!

(Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail)

KRAMER: There you go.

KRAMER: You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders department stores..

from

boutiques

JERRY: Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?! KRAMER: Yes, yes! You said it!

and

JERRY: But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her!

JERRY: Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what?

KRAMER: (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you.

KRAMER: Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover) JERRY: What are you talking about?

JERRY: I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!

KRAMER: When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover)

KRAMER: Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New

JERRY: (Goes up to it) This?

Jersey is already makin' them!

KRAMER: Yes!

JERRY: They're making these?!

JERRY: I agreed to wear this?!

KRAMER: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, - this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: But, when did I do that? KRAMER: When we went to dinner the other night.

JERRY: (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate! (Scene ends)

JERRY: What are you, crazy?! [Setting: The Costanza house]

(George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully primping his fingernails)

ESTELLE: (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful.

ESTELLE: I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?

GEORGE: (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors)

FRANK: (Looking up from his paper) Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to? ESTELLE: (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!

(Another moment passes as George primps his hands) ESTELLE: Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work) Georgie, would you like some Jell-O?

FRANK: You never mentioned them to me!

FRANK: (To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O) Why'd you put the bananas in there?!

GEORGE: (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board.

ESTELLE: (Yelling) George likes the bananas!

(Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes back to his manicure)

FRANK: (Trying to match her tone) So let him have bananas on the side!

ESTELLE: I always talk about your hands how they're so soft and milky white..

(George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had enough)

FRANK: No! You never said milky white!

GEORGE: Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the

ESTELLE: (Getting angry) I said milky white! (A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around his parents) GEORGE: (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! (Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around)

morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum. ESTELLE: (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jell-O? GEORGE: (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off) (Scene ends)

ESTELLE: I'm sorry. [Setting: A Today Show dressing room] GEORGE: You're sorry?!

(Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing through a magazine. There's a knock at the door)

(Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt. Then, bursts out laughing hysterically)

KRAMER: Yeah, come in. ELAINE: (Between laughs) What is that?! (A Today Show stagehand enters) STAGEHAND: I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes. KRAMER: Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes! (Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt. He has the expression of extreme resentment) KRAMER: Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Ayye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic! JERRY: (Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I can't wear this! KRAMER: (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate look. Aye! (A knock at the door, Kramer answers it it's Elaine) KRAMER: Yeah. ELAINE: Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the benefit! KRAMER: Great.

KRAMER: It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what? ELAINE: (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now? JERRY: (Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?'? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why!...End of Volume 1 of 4 F,1