2 LOVE SHALL WILL SAVE MANNKIND. Volume 2 of 4. The Seinfeld Day Ramayana Dada Rex CanonPilot & 1 to 6 LDend 1st Real Magical American Novel,
JERRY: Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love a good posse. NINA: What's the appeal of the posse?
Felix Rian Const, 2022, June 30 KRAMER: You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet! JERRY: No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about
JERRY: The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.
her! (George enters) KRAMER: (pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her!
NINA: Hello, George. GEORGE: Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I?
JERRY: Should I? NINA: Well, I really love that piece. KRAMER: (screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!
GEORGE: Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you!
JERRY: ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her. (CUT TO: Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina put on her
Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know
coat. The TV is on a horse race.)
what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.
JERRY: SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter-
NINA: No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have it!
com buzzes) Yeah?
GEORGE: This could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with me! It should
GEORGE: (on intercom) It's George. really be in a doormanned building.
NINA: Honestly, George, the money's not important.
NINA: Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave, Elaine walks in.) ELAINE: (to Nina) Hello!
GEORGE: Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes)
(Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine)
JERRY: Yeah? ELAINE: (on intercom) It's Elaine.
ELAINE: (sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll
JERRY: Come on up.
be fired!
NINA: Elaine?
JERRY: If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston!
JERRY: ...Yeah. ELAINE: No, he wants to torture me. NINA: (rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she? JERRY: She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing
(CUT TO: later on that night. George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching TV. Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.)
to George) He likes the pop-in, too. GEORGE: I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy. JERRY: Yeah. GEORGE: How 'bout Kramer.
ELAINE: (annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, instigating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)
JERRY: HUGE pop-in guy! NINA: Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow? JERRY: Yeah. NINA: Okay.
JERRY: (tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking. ELAINE: You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never
JERRY: Okay! seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.
(another tug-o-war starts)
(Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns, and starts
JERRY: Let go!
reading in unison with movie on TV.)
ELAINE: No, come on! I want it, Jerry!
JERRY: "...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness
JERRY: Let go, Elaine! still know that I love you!!" ELAINE: Well at least let George do it! GEORGE: This is incredible! JERRY: Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight) GEORGE: (as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally
JERRY: I always thought there was something funny about this letter! She copied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!
gets the remote away from them) Pinheads. (George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing Neil Simon's Chapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes the station) JERRY: Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little
GEORGE: Maybe I won't send her that check. ELAINE: You know, it's not really that terrible. JERRY: What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself!
longer)
(mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness!
ELAINE: It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.
James Caan doesn't offer happiness!
JERRY: (on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV
(CUT TO: Lippman's office. Lippman is on the phone when Elaine walks in and
for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!
places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave
ELAINE: What letter?
but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the room)
JERRY: This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie!
LIPPMAN:(into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't take the cap off? (beat)
But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's
LIPPMAN:Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night. I'm inviting
unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. Take
Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come.
care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny West, my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees
ELAINE: (pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li-LIPPMAN:Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the game. ELAINE: (very reluctant) Okay.
too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they throw him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter. She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to some friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore
LIPPMAN:Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh-and Elaine. You know the Baltimore cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with him. ELAINE: That will be fun.
cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right? ELAINE: Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore.
(CUT TO: Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is watching her, sitting on the sofa.)
LIPPMAN:Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right?
JERRY: How's it coming?
ELAINE: Well, uh, fan. My father--
NINA: Good, good.
LIPPMAN:Anyway, she refused to take the cap off; caused a whole big scene!
JERRY: Seen any good movies lately? NINA: No... not really. You?
ELAINE: Really? LIPPMAN:Yeah.
JERRY: No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil
ELAINE: So... impudent.
Simon? NINA: Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff.
now for ten bucks. JERRY: I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh... Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?
(the Yankees announcer is heard on TV) TVVOICE:Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the
NINA: I don't know... maybe. Yankee dugout. JERRY: I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night. Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens
GEORGE: Behind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other day. TVVOICE:Well, we're not going to show it, we don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going at it
answer the door...) MR. ARM:Well, we've made our decision. We want "The Kramer." (CUT TO: Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and George are watching a baseball
with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're getting the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers?
game and talking.)
Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..."
GEORGE: Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs)
(Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.)
JERRY: Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!
(CUT TO: the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are having
GEORGE: So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason?
Kramer over for dinner.)
JERRY: Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can you get this thing outta my house? GEORGE: Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right
KRAMER: ...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way. MRS.ARM:More potatoes? KRAMER: Yeah, sure. Please.
MR. ARM:Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden?
Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
KRAMER: Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one. END OF ACT 2
=
==================================== ==================================== =====
[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]
---THEEND---
----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Larry David and Greg Daniels -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact C
The Parking Space Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays?
Episode no. 39 pc: 322, season 3, episode 22 Broadcast date: April 22, 1992 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars:
Wayne Knight..................... Newman Lee Arenberg..................... Mike Moffit Jay Brooks....................... Sid Maryedith Burrell................ Maryedith Shannon Cochran.................. Sheila Zachary Charles.................. Angry Man Michael A. Costanza.............. Truck Driver Mik Scriba....................... Cop #1 Stan Sellers..................... Cop #2
John Christian Graas............. Matthew Peggy Lane O'Rourke.............. Bystander #1 Steven Marcus Gibbs.............. Bystander #2
Jerry: You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you? Kramer: What happened to the car?
Opening monologue At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull that in there."
Jerry: If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?
First scene. Jerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters.
Jerry: Nope. I don't think so.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me. Jerry: You have to know, you must know. Kramer: I must know. Jerry: Well, I'm not telling you. Kramer: Oh, come on.
Kramer: Well, please? Kramer: Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.
Jerry: Not today, pal. Kramer: Okay, I beg you.
Jerry: What are you talking about? Kramer: Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?
Jerry: Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Okay, please! Please tell me!
Kramer: Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.
Jerry: Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work.
Jerry: Oh yeah, I know.
Kramer: Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.
Kramer: Well, where is it?
Jerry: I loaned the car to George.
Jerry: What's the difference?
Kramer: Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?
Kramer: Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.
Jerry: George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!
Kramer: Alright. Jerry: Huh? Kramer: Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for? Jerry: Will you stop it already?! Kramer: You know, why didn't they ask me to go?
George: No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face. Elaine: Are you sure you like these sunglasses? Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses and this causes George to swerve and hit something.
Jerry: I don't know! How am I supposed to know?! Kramer: What, they don't like me? Jerry: *I* don't like you! Kramer: If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah.
Cut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment. Kramer: Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side. Jerry: Why not?
New scene. George and Elaine are in Jerry's car. George is wearing a new hat. George: I really think it looks good. Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
Kramer: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight? Jerry: Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirtyfive minutes.
George: All bald people look good in hats. Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'. Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then. George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew. Elaine: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?
Kramer: Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you? Jerry: No, I like Mike. Kramer: Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation. Jerry: Oh yeah? What did you talk about?
Kramer: Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say. Jerry: Oh yeah? What did he say? Kramer: You have to know everything, don't you?
Kramer: Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him. Jerry: I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault! Kramer: He thinks you're a phony. Jerry: He what?
Jerry: No, come on, Kramer. What did he say? Kramer: Why is that? Why do you have to know everything? Jerry: Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.
Kramer: I told you, he thinks you're a phony. Jerry: A phony? He called me a phony? Kramer: A big phone. A big one.
Kramer: Beg me.
Jerry: Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!
Jerry: Please, don't make me beg.
Kramer: You begged me.
Kramer: No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on. Jerry: Kramer, please tell me what the guy said.
Cut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now making a clanking noise. George: Do you hear that?
Kramer: No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh...
Elaine: Of course I hear that.
Jerry: Kramer!
Elaine: I wanted to check out my sunglasses.
Kramer: Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.
George: I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium.
Jerry: Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me.
Elaine: Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.
George: You had to move the mirror?
George: I can't drive?
nobody. We can't do it. Elaine: Yeah. Elaine: I'll pay for it. George: Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this. Elaine: No, I really don't. George: And I can make a left turn from the right lane too.
George: You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces. Elaine (pointing backwards): Oh George, there's a space right there!
Elaine: I'm sure you could. George: What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car? Elaine: I don't know. George: Alright, start looking for spaces. Elaine: Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.
George (putting the car in reverse): Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you? Elaine: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner. They share a laugh.
Elaine: Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.
George: Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.
George: I can't park in a garage.
Elaine: Will you just park it already?
Elaine: Why?
George: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space!
George: Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
George: I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother,
Elaine: George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city.
Mike: I can if I have room!
George: No no no, he's not getting away with this.
Mike: No, I'm not gonna move the car.
George: Are you gonna move the car?
George: Jerk! Elaine: George? Mike: Oh, you're not? George gets out of the car to confront the other driver.
George: Do you believe this guy?
George: Hey, what are you doing?
Elaine: Come on, we'll put it in a garage.
Mike: I think I'm parking my car.
George: I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space.
George: You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that. Mike: I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just sitting there three spaces up. George: Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first?
Elaine: What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs. George: Are you coming back down? Elaine: Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Mike: Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I pulled in.
George: Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?
George: I was in the middle of a conversation.
Elaine: Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.
Mike: Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?
George: Oh, come on, you're good at this.
George: The point is I was here first.
Elaine: What am I gonna say?
Mike: I was closer to this space than you were.
George: I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something.
George: But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first!
Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his in retaliation.
Jerry: A gun?! Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts in. Elaine: Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here? Jerry: Yeah, under the counter. What happened? Elaine: Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter) Jerry (bending down to pick up the chips): Tell me what happened.
Elaine: I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home. Jerry: My god, are you okay? Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise. Jerry: Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing. Elaine: Exactly. Jerry: Where's George now?
Elaine (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it): Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.
Elaine: Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space. Jerry: What are you talking about? Elaine: Look out the window, you'll see. Jerry (leaning out the window): Hey Georgie! George: Hey! Jerry: Are you okay? George: Yeah, I'm fine. Jerry: Crazy kids, huh?
Jerry: He is?
George: What?
Elaine: Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.
Elaine (desperate to distract Jerry): Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.
Mike: Is that Jerry? Jerry?!
Elaine: You know that guy downstairs?
Jerry: Oh, hey Mike.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a real phony.
George What, you know Jerry?
Kramer: What's going on?!
Mike: Yeah, I know Jerry.
Mike: Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!
George: How do you know him? George: It's my space! Mike: What's the difference? Kramer: I'll be down in a minute. George: Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you.
Elaine: Are you going down?
Mike: Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work!
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: I'm coming down.
Kramer (leaving): Why should anything be wrong?
Elaine: Is anything wrong?
Mike: Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside? George, What, you know Kramer?! Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment.
Elaine (heading for the bathroom): Be down in a minute. Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door.
Elaine: Hi. Kramer (acting standoffish): Hello. Jerry: Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you. Kramer (out the window): Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting!
Mike: Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to. George: I'll die out here. Two bystanders are discussing the incident.
George: And you're watching the fight at Jerry's?
Bystander #1: He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space.
Mike: Yeah.
Bystander #2: No, it doesn't matter. He was-
George: Oh great.
Mike: Hey! Jerry! Long time no see!
Jerry: Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana.
Kramer: I go in front first all the time.
Mike: Hey Krame! You know this guy?
Jerry: Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I know him.
Elaine shows up and pulls George aside.
Mike (to Jerry): You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?
George: Did you talk to him?
Jerry: Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.
George: You told him? What did you tell him?
Mike (laughing way too loud and hard): Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!! George: Oh, come on. Mike: Hey! Your friend here has some real problems.
Elaine: Yeah, it's all taken care of.
Elaine: I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it. George: I don't believe it, what did you say? Elaine: I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city. George: A pack of teenagers?
George: Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space?
Elaine: Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.
Mike: Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.
George: You are a genius, it's as simple as that.
George: You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park!
Elaine: What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.
Mike: I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if you pull out I'll show you!
Elaine and George rejoin the others.
George: You've got a prayer.
Kramer: By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.
Elaine: What?
George: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Kramer: Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.
Kramer: I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.
George: Oh great.
George: What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry?
Jerry: I didn't know. Elaine: Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny. George: Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market. Mike: A flea market? You went to a flea market?? George: Hey, who's talking to you? Elaine: We just didn't think of you.
Jerry: It was a so-so sorry. A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of the cab. Truck Driver: Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through! George: You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car. Mike: And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that?
Kramer: You said it, sister. George: What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing? People forget. Look at "Home Alone". They forgot. George: Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move. Jerry: I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!
Truck Driver: Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here! Fade out/in. Elaine: You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them. Jerry: Wild pack of teenagers, huh? George: Yeah.
George: Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.
Jerry: Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize.
Jerry: You're right. My fault. Elaine: Kramer? I'm so sorry, really.
Elaine: Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?
George: Uh huh. Jerry: Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,
Sid: Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion. Jerry: Hey Sid.
George: Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of. Elaine: Right. George: I learned a lot about myself.
Mike: Who are you? Sid: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?
Jerry: What did you do to my car?! George: Sid, it's completely his fault. George: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
Mike: Oh, right.
Elaine: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.
Sid: Why don't you start taking the bus?
Jerry: I thought you said you were a good driver!
Jerry: Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes.
George: No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker. Jerry: I think you said driver. George: Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker.
George: Don't do it! Jerry: What are we gonna do, stay out here all night? George: Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.
Mike: Will you move it up a little bit? George: No no no, that's in the right position. Mike: No no, I was further in. George: No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine. Mike: Do you mind? George: Do you?
Elaine: Why don't you just flip a coin already? George: No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking.
Elaine: You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space. George: So you're against me now? An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' frozen yogurt store, are discussing the incident. Angry man: He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first. Matthew: No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in. Angry Man: No he wasn't. Matthew: All that matters is who was there first. Angry Man: Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.
Matthew: What?! Jerry: Oh no, nothing. Matthew: What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business? Jerry: No, no, no, no. Matthew: We're not going to have any money? We're out of money? Jerry: No, of course not, of course not! Matthew: Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of business. We don't have any money? Maryedith: Jerry?! What's the matter with you? Jerry: I didn't-Maryedith (to Kramer): Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says some pretty stupid things sometimes.
Matthew: You just spit on me! Kramer: Oh, congratulations. Angry Man: Don't you raise your voice to me!
Maryedith: What for?
Matthew: You're not my father.
Kramer: Well, you're pregnant.
Jerry: Hey Matthew.
Maryedith: What?
Matthew: Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.
Kramer: You're not pregnant?
Jerry: How ya doing?
Maryedith: No, I'm not pregnant.
Matthew: Okay.
Kramer: Are you sure you're not pregnant?
Jerry: Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.
Maryedith: Yes, I'm sure!
Kramer: That's weird.
reduces us to jungle law.
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew.
George begins applauding.
Matthew: No.
Kramer: When can you park head first?
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew!
Newman: Never.
Kramer: I thought she was pregnant.
Mike: What are you asking this guy for?
Jerry (to Elaine): Hey, do you think I'm phony?
Newman: Who's talking to you? George: He's right. never.
Elaine: What? Jerry: Mike thinks I'm a phony.
Mike: Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car?
Elaine: He thinks you're a phony? Jerry: Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me.
Newman: Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths. George: When do you ever have ten car lengths?
Elaine: Oh, you have to say something. Kramer: What about Sundays and holidays? Jerry: I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it. George: Oh please. Elaine: You gotta open the vault. A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George, Jerry: Open my vault? Sheila: What's going on here? Elaine: Open your vault. Jerry: Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault. Elaine: You have no choice.
George: Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space. Sheila: I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away with it.
Jerry: Oy ga-vault. George: Well, thank you for your support. Newman (to Kramer): You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It
Sheila: Hey, that's a great hat.
George: Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.
Newman: Me either.
Newman: Hey George, nice hat.
George: I'm not going if he's going.
George: Yeah, thanks.
Mike: Well I'm going.
Newman: Can I try it on?
Jerry: Well if he's going then I'm not going.
George: No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.
Newman: But it's your house.
Newman: Well sure it would.
Jerry: I still don't have to go.
George: No! Get out of here, Newman.
Elaine: Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.
Newman: Come on, let me try it on. Mike: Why won't you go if I go? George: No, Newman, stop it. Jerry: Why? I'll tell you why. Sheila: Let him try it on. Kramer: No. Don't, Jerry. George: I don't want him to! Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony? Sheila: What is wrong with you? George: You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat! Newman: Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking. George: Alright, just keep the hat! Jerry: Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?
Mike: What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang. Jerry: Use it in a sentence. Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!? Kramer: He begged me. Mike: He begged you?!
Elaine: It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going? Kramer: I'm not going if he's going.
Jerry: Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?
Two police officers walk up. George: I don't have a job! Cop #1: Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go. George: Officer, could I just explain something to you? Cop #1: Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes. George: Officer, he can't pull in head first. Mike: Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was sitting there. Cop #1: Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head first. Cop #2: Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was just sitting over there. Cop #1: What are you talking about? This guy was here first. Cop #2: But he didn't take it. Cop #1: Hey, it's his space. Cop #2: No, it's his space. Cut to Jerry entering his apartment, George and Mike can be heard arguing through the window. George: Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!
Mike: Neither do I! Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and turns on the TV. Referee: Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding* Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion.
Closing monologue. People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 'I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable, and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space.
End. Advertisement
Mike: Well, you're gonna have to go to work!
Protect your car from damage when using airports with trusted airport parking. To reserve a spot call ahead for aiport parking reservations. Compare great deals and affilates for airport parking. Save money with discount airport parking. Go online today and compare rates for airport parking in your area.
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
[Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Larry Charles ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode no. 41 pc: 401, season 4, episode 1 Broadcast date: August 12, 1992 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars:
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
Season 4 (1992-1993) The Trip (1) Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Peter Murnik..................... Lt. Martel Elmarie Wendel................... Helena Debi A. Monahan.................. Chelsea Ricky Dean Logan................. The Freak Vaughn Armstrong................. Lt. Coleman Keith Morrison................... Newscaster (Himself) Manfred Melcher.................. Officer Christopher Michael Moore........ Studio Guard Dyana Ortelli.................... Chambermaid (Lupe) Michael Gerard................... Receptionist Fred Savage...................... Himself George Wendt..................... Himself Corbin Bernsen................... Himself
Jerry: I know! Opening monologue. It's amazing to me that people will move thousands of miles away to another city, they think nothing of it. They get on a plane, boom. They're there, they live there now. Just, uh, I'm living over there. You know, pioneers, it took years to cross the country. Now, people will move thousands of miles just for one season. I don't think any pioneers did that, you know. Yeah, it took us a decade to get there, and, uh, we stayed for the summer, it was nice, we had a pool, the kids loved it, and then we left about ten years ago and we just got back. We had a great summer, it took us 20 years and now our lives are over.
George: I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'? Jerry: Sure. George: Did she show her breasts in that? Jerry: She's not really the naked type. George: I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California. Jerry: He did? George: Yeah, I turned him down. Jerry: How come you didn't tell me? George: He asked me to keep it a secret.
Opening scene. George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop. George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
Jerry: But you can never keep a secret.
George: Are you sure?
George: I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.
Jerry: Yeah.
Jerry: Well, you've come a long way.
George: Murphy Brown, the TV show.
George: I've matured.
Jerry: C'mon, will ya?
Jerry: Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun! Jerry: Something, isn't it?
George: A free ticket? George: With Candace Bergen!
Jerry: Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys. George: What about accommodations?
Kramer: Well, I was just-Studio Guard: Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, let's go. Kramer: Alright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor?
Jerry: All taken care of. George: Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...
New scene. Kramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard practicing in the background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call on the pay phone in the hall. Voice: Murphy Brown. Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
New scene. Kramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors.
Voice: Who's calling please? Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
Kramer: So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions.
Dial tone. Kramer: Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind him) Go ahead, it's all yours. Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway. Helena: Hello Kramer. Kramer: Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?
Studio Guard: Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here?
Helena: I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am?
Kramer: Uh, did you? Kramer: Well, that's only uh, 58 years. Studio Guard: C'mon, let's go.
Helena: It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember? Kramer: Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right? Helena: No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good. Helena: Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all. Kramer: Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges. Helena: Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?
Kramer: Uh huh, right. Helena: But, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful mistake. Kramer: Right. Helena: Moe hits Curly with an axe, Kramer: Uh huh.
Kramer: Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, alright? Helene: Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me,
Helena: The Stooges catch the kidnappers, Kramer: Right. Helena: But it's too late. Kramer: Really.
Kramer: Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all. Helena: I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer!
Helena: The baby's dead. Kramer: Really? Helena: The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed.
New scene. Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases and backpacks.
Kramer: Well I don't remember that part.
Jerry: What is this?
Helena: I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.
George: What?
Jerry: We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross?
Lt. Coleman: Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What do you make of it?
George: I happen to dress based on mood. Lt. Martel: I don't know, but I don't like it. Jerry: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time. George: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza. Jerry: (referring to George's outfit): And what mood is this. George: This is Morning Mist.
New scene. Jerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector. Jerry: Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him. George: Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension. Jerry: Just go.
New scene. A murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants are talking.
George braces himself and walks through the detector.
Lt. Coleman: What do you figure, 20? 21?
George: Heh he, I made it.
Lt. Martel: Close enough.
Jerry walks through and the machine beeps.
Lt. Coleman: Forensics ought to be able to nail it down.
Security Guard: Empty your pockets please.
Lt. Martel: No ID?
Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine beeps again.
Lt. Coleman: No ID.
Security Guard: Walk through again please.
Lt. Martel: No witnesses?
Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again.
Lt. Coleman: Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young thing. Lt. Martel: She was. Not any more. Somebody saw to that.
Security Guard: Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets?
Jerry: Anklets?
you.
Security Guard: A lot of men wear anklets.
Other Security Guard: Have a good trip.
Jerry: Really?
Security Guard: Alright, go ahead.
Security Guard: Yeah.
Jerry: That's it?
Other Security Guard (to George): What do you have in your bag, sir?
Security Guard: That's it. Jerry: Alright.
George: My bag? Security Guard: Step over here please.
George: C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?
Jerry: Over here?
Jerry: I must have iron rich blood.
Other Security Guard: Do you have a knife in the bag?
George: Here we go, LA. Jerry: The Coast,
George: A knife? Other Security Guard: Open the bag, please. George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging.
George: La-la Land. I got the window seat, right? Jerry: Who said that? George: I called it.
Other Security Guard: What's this? Jerry: Oh no. George: Moisturizer? Other Security Guard: Your wife?
New scene. Monologue, Jerry on stage.
George: No, I uh... I use it. Security Guard: Spread your arms and legs please. The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up and down Jerry's body. Jerry (facing the lengthening line behind him): Ladies and gentlemen, I implore
Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't you hate these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people, look out, cart people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants. Oooh! It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the cart people,
Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel. The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving walkway and then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?
New scene. Stock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer enters.
Chelsea: So, can I keep this treatment? Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies. Chelsea: 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West German television money. Kramer: Really. Chelsea: Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.
Kramer: Yeah, I'm here for the audition. Kramer: Um-hm. Receptionist: Which audition, the music video, the horror movie, the exercise tape or the infomercial?
Kramer: Uh, let's see... well.
Chelsea: What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean it could just go on and on...
Cut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions the receptionist mentioned.
Kramer: Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look! It's Fred Savage. Chelsea: Big deal.
New scene. Kramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition, exit the casting office. Kramer: You scream good.
Kramer: He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.
Chelsea: You too.
Chelsea: Why are you breathing so hard?
New scene. Kramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table.
Kramer: Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me luck, huh?
Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a table nearby. Kramer: Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
Fred: Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye! Kramer (bumping into a lamp): Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait. Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves, Kramer gives the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up.
Fred Savage: Thank you. Kramer: Yeah, I can't remember the name of it. Fred: Thanks. Kramer: Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...
New scene. George and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone. Jerry: Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would you describe Kramer's hair? George: Curly.
Fred: That's ok. Relax, relax. Jerry: Wavy. Kramer: Ok, but I got this... George: What'd you ask me for? Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the table collapses. Kramer: Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me. Fred (a little frightened and backing away towards the door): Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate. Kramer: I got this treatment I think you'll be great in. Fred: Yeah. Kramer: So I'd like to give it to you.
Jerry: Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin? George: Nope. Jerry: 'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello? George (from the bathroom): Hey, a shoe buffing machine! Jerry: I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer?
George: You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body lotion! Jerry: About 6-3. George: Ooh, a shower cap!
Lupe: Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep. George: Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, right? Lupe: It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) Him too?
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Jerry: Coming. George walks to the door wearing a shower cap.
George: Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in? Jerry: Excuse me, what? George: You want your blankets tucked in?
Lupe: Hello. I have more towels. Jerry: What blankets? George: Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And this is Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?
George: When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning. Jerry: I don't know, whatever they do.
Lupe: Lupe. Lupe: I tuck in? Yes? George: Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning? Lupe: Yes. George: Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.
Jerry: Tuck in, tuck in. George: Alright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck. Lupe: Okay. George: Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.
Lupe: Oh, yes, yes. George: Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.
Jerry: Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck. George (to Lupe): Two no-tucks. Jerry: Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck.
George: You just said you weren't tucking. Jerry: I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where Kramer is anyway. George: Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that? Jerry: Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?
George: Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out. Jerry: Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here. George: Alright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in?
Cut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion.
Lupe: Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room.
George: You shouldn't have tucked.
Jerry: Oh, okay, thanks.
Jerry: I like it tucked.
Lupe: Thank you.
George: Nobody tucks anymore.
George: Thank you.
As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into his car and drives off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police office notices this and picks up one of the photos.
Lupe: Bye-bye. George: Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now. Lupe: Bye. George: Bye-bye. Lupe exits. Jerry: I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it. George: Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table. Jerry: They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out!
New scene. Another murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the body's head, but we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's friend from the auditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving. Officer: Hey, Lieutenant. Lt. Martel: Yeah. Officer: This was found on her person. Lt. Martel: On her person? What kind of expression is that?
Officer: I don't know, sir. Police lingo. Lt. Martel: Oh yeah? What's your name, son.
Jerry: I can't believe she threw out my napkin. George: What are you worried about, you know it.
Officer: Ross. Jerry: You gonna be alright here? Lt. Martel: Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross? Officer: Yes sir. Lt. Martel: She's dead. Have you got that? Officer: Yes sir. Lt. Martel: Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.
George: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander around. Jerry: Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes. George: Go, go, go, don't worry about it. Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door. he stands near George, obviously waiting for someone.
Officer: Yes sir. The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The Keys" A movie treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where Kramer's first name was is missing. Lt. Martel: I think we just caught a break.
George: Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen. Corbin Bernsen: How ya doing? George: Big fan! Big fan. Corbin Bernsen: Yeah. George: Hey, you grew a beard, huh?
New scene. Jerry and George are at the NBC studio.
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.
George: This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on the show?
George: Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law.
Jerry: I don't know.
Corbin Bernsen: Really.
George: Might meet a celebrity.
Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'.
George: ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days. Corbin Bernsen: Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened?
George Wendt: Oh, of course not. George: But really, it's enough with the bar already. George Wendt: Yeah, well. George: Seriously, have they though about changing the setting? George Wendt: Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.
George: Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board. Corbin Bernsen: So you killed the cat.
George: Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh? George Wendt: Well yeah, they do, heh heh.
George: That's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, I go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law?
George: What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center.
Corbin Bernsen just stares at George.
Jerry: How's it going?
Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the same hallway.
George: Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
George: I don't wanna tell you how to run your show.
George Wendt (checking his watch, obviously uncomfortable): Yeah, you oughta write one of those. George: Yeah? George Wendt: Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta... uh... George: Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you! Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily.
Jerry: Really? George: Yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate! Jerry: You got toilet paper on your heel there.
Helena: He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing abnormal about that, I have many suitors. Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview.
George looks down, Jerry walks away.
New scene. The Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding. Announcer: It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview. Corbin Bernsen: Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he forgets to feed the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses to get her a new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie Becker to represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for L.A. Law. Thanks a lot. Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George. Cut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel.
George Wendt: It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few moments ago I ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should think about, you know, not doing the show in a bar. Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing besides George. Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van Kramer hitched a ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak' is being questioned by the Lt. The Freak: So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude. You ever killed a man before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands have been soaking in Ivory liquid? Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt are talking between takes. George Wendt: The guy you talked to, what did he look like? Corbin Bernsen: Short little bald guy with glasses.
George Wendt: Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to.
George: I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?
Corbin Bernsen: It never ends, does it?
Jerry: Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.
Cut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine.
George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report is being broadcast.
Jerry: So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt. Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing. Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry. Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone. Lt. Martel: Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up this, uh, Kramer.
New scene. George and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set, Jerry: I was terrible. George: What are you, crazy? You were fine. Jerry: Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh... George: Conveyor belt. Jerry: Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
TV Newscaster: Our top story tonight, there has been a break in the so called 'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer". George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief. TO BE CONTINUED.
Closing monologue. Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show. You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's the time? Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us." ==================================== ==================================== ======== *NOTE* I am not responsible for equipment damage due to reeeeally dumb children with no parental supervision, and access to a hammer.
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
The Trip (2) Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by Juha Auvinen Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Larry Charles ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode no. 42 pc: 402, season 4, episode 2 Broadcast date: August 18, 1992 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld...................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars: Peter Murnik...................Lt. Martel Elmarie Wendel...............Helene Marty Rackham............. Officer #1 Peter Parros.................. Officer #2 Vaughn Armstrong......... Lt. Coleman Clint Howard................. Tobias Lehigh Nagy Steve Greenstein.............Man Kerry Leigh Michaels......Woman Keith Morrison................Newscaster (Himself) Peggy Lane O'Rourke.....Reporter #1 Deck McKenzie..............Reporter #2 Steve Dougherty..............Prison Guard
OPENING MONOLOGUE There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are
long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well..."listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?". I don't even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground..."aah his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim."
George: Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted. Jerry: I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast! George: I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast. Jerry: You should've had some eggs.
OPENING SCENE GEORGE AND JERRY ARE IN A CAR. GEORGE IS GRABBING JERRY'S ARM
George: For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch? Jerry: Have you ever heard of egg salad?
George: He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose! Jerry: Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed! George: What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police? Jerry: Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy. George: Hope he's not the guy. Jerry: Couldn't be the guy...nah. George: God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger. Jerry: How can you think of food at the time like this?
George: Why didn't you say something then? Jerry: I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad? George: I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed. Jerry: I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there. George: Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle. CUT TO KRAMER SINGING IN A SHOWER FOLLOWED BY A FALLING SOUND BACK TO GEORGE AND JERRY ON THE STREET Jerry: I don't have any change. You've got any change?
George: No, I don't have any change. I never carry change. Jerry: Well, we need change and all I have is twenties. George: I have a ten. Jerry: So, break it. George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney. Jerry: So, buy something. George: What?
Jerry: All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza... George: What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?! Jerry: Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of?
Jerry: I don't know, some mints or TicTacs. George: Breath problem?
George: What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name?
Jerry: No, I just want some change. George: Tell me. Jerry: Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious. George: You know, I haven't eaten anything.
Jerry: Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us. George: Really? Jerry: Sure. George: You think so?
Jerry: I just wanna call the police! George: Why don't you just call 911? Jerry: But is this an emergency? George: Of course it is.
Jerry: Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. [George leans close] would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we?
Jerry: How is this an emergency? George: I don't know. George: Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.
Jerry: We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy.
George: Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.
George: Excuse me, where are we? Man: Earth.
Jerry: Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in.
Jerry: Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman.
George: I'll bet you, how much?
George: Excuse me Ms. which street are we on?
George: You've got a bet.
Jerry: Her tip.
Jerry: Ok. Woman: I don't know. George: You don't know?
George: How much do you tip a chamber maid?
Woman: I don't know.
Police: Which one of you is Costanza?
George: How come you don't know what street are you on?
[Jerry and George point at each other.] Police: Get in.
Woman: You don't know. Jerry: George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? [George shakes his head] No...do we know where 170 is? [George shakes his head] No...do we know where 134 is? [George just looks at Jerry] No. Aha, ok. [Jerry hangs up] He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up.
George: Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or... KRAMER IS SHAVING. HE SNEEZES AND GETS SHAVING CREAM ON THE MIRROR BACK TO THE POLICE CAR WITH JERRY, GEORGE AND TWO COPS
[Police car rolls by the sidewalk and stops. The police listens their conversation.]
George: Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window.
George: Black and white?
JERRY SEARCHES FOR THE HANDLE, BUT CAN'T FIND ONE
Jerry: A cop car. George: Why didn't you just say that?
Jerry: Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here.
Jerry: I thought it sounded kind of cool.
Cop: Cut it up back there.
Jerry: Scared the hell out of that guy. George: He started it. Jerry: I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights? Cop: I don't think so. Jerry: But you could? Cop: Oh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want. Cop 2: We could drive on the wrong side of the road. Cop: Yeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces.
George: You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa", you know now it "woowoo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa? Jerry: Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eeeaaa... Jerry and George: Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eeeaaa... Cop: Hey!
Cop 2: Shoot people... George: You guys ever shot anybody?
KRAMER IS COMBING HIS HAIR. TRYING TO GET THE COMB THROUGH.
Cops: No...
Kramer: I'm dizzy.
George: Hey, can I flip on the siren?
BACK TO THE POLICE CAR
Jerry: Why are you bothering them for?
Jerry: Nice shotgun.
George: I'm just asking, all they have to do is say no.
Cop: Thanks. Jerry: Clean as a whistle.
Cop: Yeah, go ahead. George: You could eat of that shotgun. GEORGE TRIES THE SIREN. Jerry: What is that, a 12 gauge? George: Wohoo, check it out. Cop: Yeah. Jerry: Can I try it? Cop: Yeah, go ahead, hurry up.
Jerry: 12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.
JERRY TRIES THE SIREN
George: My favorite.
Jerry: Mine too, love the 12 gauge. George: Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.
COPS GO TO ARREST A GUY FOR TRYING TO STEAL A CAR
Cop: What do got over there?
George: There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
Cop 2: I don't know.
Jerry: Which flavor?
Cop: Looks like a possible 5-19.
George: Milano.
Jerry: 5-19? What's a 5-19?
Jerry: Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this?
George: Where? George: Should I take some? Cop 2: Think so? Jerry: I think that's a 5-19. Cop: Looks like it. George: I'm starving... Jerry: I can't believe this. A 5-19? George: Where, where? I can't see. Cop: This is car 23, we have a possible 5-19 in progress, over. Cop 2: All right, let's pull over and check it out.
GEORGE REACHES FOR THE COOKIES AND THE COPS SLAM A GUY ON THE HOOD AND GEORGE BACKS AWAY Jerry: They're busting this guy. George: They're cuffing him. Jerry: I can't believe this.
Jerry: Pull over? You can't pull over. George: What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?
GEORGE GET CLOSER TO JERRY AND THEY THROW THE GUY NEXT TO GEORGE MONOLOGUE:
Jerry: Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us.
George: What are you doing?!
I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole "you have the right to remain silence"-speech to every criminal they arrest. I mean is there anybody who doesn't know that by now? Can't they just go "Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever seen Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car."
Jerry: Great.
BACK TO POLICE CAR
George: Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here. Jerry: We have an appointment!
George: Hi.
Jerry: Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it.
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. George: Yeah well, we don't think. George: George, how you doing? Jerry: We're pretty sure. GEORGE OFFERS HIS HAND, BUT THE GUY IS IN CUFFS
Guy: A dollar a night?
Guy: What did you do?
Jerry: Yeah, that's a good tip!
George: Nothing.
Guy: That stinks!
Jerry: Nothing.
Jerry: I read it in Ann Landers.
Guy: Oh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't do nothing!
Guy: Oh, Ann Landers sucks! Cop 2: Hey, shut it up back there.
Cop: Shut up. Jerry: Hot out. Guy: Brutal.
Police radio: Attention all units, attention all units, all units code 3. All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702.
George: What do you tip a chamber maid. Cop: That's smog strangler. Guy: I don't know, five bucks a night. Jerry: Kramer. Jerry: No, a dollar, two tops. Cop 2: Got him. Let's go. Guy: Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks? George: Narks?
POLICE CAR COMES TO THE SCENE. JERRY OPENS THE BACK DOOR THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THEY GO AFTER THE COPS
Jerry: Imagine, us narks?
Jerry: I wanna see what's happening.
George: No no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer.
George: I don't know why I'm doing this.
Guy: Really? Well, that's very nice.
LT MARTEL KNOCKS ON A DOOR AND KRAMER OPENS
George: Oh, thank you.
Kramer: Jerry, George!
Lt. Martel: You are under arrest in first degree murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang. THE CAR THIEVE GUY RUNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR THAT JERRY AND GEORGE LEFT OPEN KRAMER IS RUSHED THROUGH A GROUP OF PRESS
today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together. Jerry: Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer! Kramer: So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George? Jerry: Well, yeah...sure.
Reporters: Why did you do it? What possessed you?
Police: Kramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants to see you.
Kramer: I don't know... COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES CENTRAL JAIL
Kramer: Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh?
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE VISITING KRAMER Kramer: Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!
KRAMER GOES WITH THE POLICE OFFICER, BUT ASKS IF HE COULD SAY JUST ONE MORE THING
Jerry: We're doing fine. How are you?
Kramer: Help me!! Help me!
Kramer: What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player.
OFFICER DRAGS KRAMER AWAY
George: A player? Kramer: Yeah, a player... Jerry: Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here? Kramer: What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met
KRAMER IS BEEN INTERROGATED BY LT. MARTEL Kramer: I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God! Lt. Martel: Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you, have you got that? Kramer: You're making a big mistake. Lt. Martel: No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only
difference is that this time you're gonna pay.
Lt. Martel: You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer?
Kramer: What? KRAMER CRIES Lt. Martel: Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again. Kramer: Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me! Lt. Martel: Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out.
Lt. Martel: You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you? PHONE RINGS Officer: Lieutenant, it's for you. Lt. Martel: Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah. KRAMER KEEPS CRYING Officer: What it is, Lieutenant? Lt. Martel: Let him go.
Kramer: Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain... Lt. Martel: I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory Kramer: you're a weed. Kramer: No...
Officer: What, but Lieutenant? Lt. Martel: You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight. Kramer: Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park? Lt. Martel: I said beat it! JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE JAIL
Lt. Martel: Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers.
KRAMER WALKS OUT
KRAMER SOBS
George: What?
Kramer: Hahaa!
Jerry: What happened?
George: I'd like to hear that.
Kramer: Somebody got killed while they had me in custody.
Jerry: Yeah...
Jerry: Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed! George: You're kidding? Somebody else got killed? Jerry: While you were in jail. So you're free. Kramer: Yes, I'm free. [singing] 'cause the murderer struck again! THEY ALL DANCE A FEW STEPS AND THEN AS A POLICE GOES BY THEY LEAVE QUIETLY KRAMER, JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HILLS OF L.A. Jerry: So Kramer, what are you going to do?
Kramer: Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl... Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered! Kramer: Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV. George: As a suspect in a serial killing. Kramer: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything. George: What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill. Jerry: So you're not gonna come back to New York with us?
Kramer: Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.
Kramer: No no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen.
George: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
Jerry: No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.
Kramer: What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?
George: Taste this, is this a dill?
Kramer: Ok, it's forgotten. George: Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy. Jerry: Well, take it easy. Kramer: Yeah, ok. George: Yeah, take care. Stay in touch.
Kramer: Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...
Jerry: How much did you wound up tipping her?
Jerry: Oh, no...
George: Oh my God, I forgot!
George: No, you're crushing my sandwich.
Jerry: Well, communism didn't work.
JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HOTEL. GEORGE IS KICKING THE TUCKED COVERS.
KRAMER WALKS IN Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you. BACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JERRY ARE WATCHING TV.
KRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE Kramer: Any mustard? This is empty. Jerry: Yeah, there's a new one in there.
George: Mint? Jerry: No thanks. George: I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe.
Kramer: No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles? Jerry: Help yourself. Kramer: Yeah, all right.
Jerry: It's been three days already, forget about Lupe. George: Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?
George: Kramer, what are you doing here? Kramer: Getting something to eat. Jerry: Kramer, here!
Jerry: No, I don't. George: You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps. Jerry: Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too. George: I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
JERRY THROWS THE APARTMENT KEYS TO KRAMER. KRAMER WALKS OUT AND COMES BACK WITH HIS KEYS. HE THROWS THEM TO THE TABLE KNOCKING JERRY'S SODA. ACTION NEWS. KEITH MORRISON. Newscaster: Authorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh
Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slains in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald and reputedly a very generous tipper.
Watch Online Search in site
CLOSING MONOLOGUE The thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they have these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm way off, but don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where the house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar with couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going on out there? It's very strange, do you realize that it's now possible for parents to say to their children "All right kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation, everybody indoors." THE END
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
The Pitch Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: September 16, 1992 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Heidi Swedberg (as Susan Ross), Peter Crombie (as "Crazy" Joe Divola), Bob Balaban (as Russell Dalrymple), and Stephen McHattie (as Dr. Reston).
Partially transcribed by Ivy Additional transcribing by The News Guy(Mike) ==================================== =============
[At club bar] Jerry and George are talking. Stu and Jay enter. STU: Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm with NBC.
STU: So, if you have any idea for like a TV show for yourself, well, we'd just love to talk about it. JERRY: I'd be very interested in something like that.
JERRY: Hi.
STU: Well, here, uh, why don't you give us a call and maybe we can develop a series.
STU: Could we speak for a few moments?
They start to exit.
JERRY: Sure.
JERRY: Okay. Great. Thanks.
JAY: Hi, Jay Crespi.
STU: It was very nice meeting you.
JERRY: Hello.
Jery: Thank you.
GEORGE: Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I?
JAY: Nice meeting you.
JAY: That's right.
JERRY: Nice meeting you.
GEORGE: I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give me a last name.
[George returns] GEORGE: What was that all about?
JAY: Mm, I'm notJERRY: George-
JERRY: They said they were interested in me.
GEORGE: (backing off) Huh? All right, fine.
GEORGE: For what?
STU: First of all, that was a terrific show.
JERRY: You know, a TV show.
JERRY: Oh thank you very much.
GEORGE: Your own show?
STU: And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in doing something.
JERRY: Yeah, I guess so.
JERRY: Really? Wow.
GEORGE: They want you to do a TV show? JERRY: Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.
GEORGE: Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics and you're pushing him into gymnastics.
GEORGE: I know, but antiques are very popular right now. JERRY: No they're not, they used to be. GEORGE: Oh yeah, like you know. JERRY: Oh like you do.
JERRY: Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?
[Jerry's Apartment]
GEORGE: Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural.
KRAMER: ...And you're the manager of the circus.
JERRY: But gymnastics is not for everybody.
JERRY: A circus?
GEORGE: I know, but he's your son.
KRAMER: Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for the tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.
JERRY: So what? GEORGE: All right, forget that idea, it's not for you....Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store. JERRY: Yeah and...?
JERRY: I don't think so. GEORGE: And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives.
KRAMER: Look Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks.
JERRY: What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?
JERRY: I don't think the network will go for it.
GEORGE: Why not?
KRAMER: Why not?
JERRY: So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.
JERRY: Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks. KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. This is a "can't miss." NEWMAN:Kramer.
KRAMER: Really, Ah, JERRY: Hello Newman. NEWMAN: Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets get the radar detector. KRAMER: All right I'll be back in a second. You guys coming to my party? [exits]
NEWMAN: We had a deal. Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? That's a renege. KRAMER: Oh, stop saying 'reneging". NEWMAN: Well you're reneging.
Together: Yeah, sure. KRAMER: I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging. JERRY: What's this all about? NEWMAN: We're making a trade. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me his radar detector. JERRY: I didn't know you had a motorctcle.
[they try to exchange items but won't let go] NEWMAN: All right give it to me. let go ... KRAMER: You let go - come on ...[they fight over the items]
NEWMAN: Well my girlfriend had one. JERRY: You have a girlfriend?
JERRY: Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. Idiots!
NEWMAN: I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty wild.
NEWMAN: Thanks buddy. So long he he ... [exits]
JERRY: I never remember you with a girl.
JERRY: Does that thing work?
NEWMAN: Nevertheless, ...
KRAMER: Nah.
JERRY: This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.
At Monks. [Jerry and George enter.] JERRY: ... I just got a postcard from Elaine?
NEWMAN: Don't say anything. GEORGE: Really? JERRY: All right. [Kramer enters]
JERRY: Yeah, they're in London now. They'll be back in a few weeks.
JERRY: You know you're getting gypped over here.
GEORGE: I can't believe she got involved with a shrink.
GEORGE: So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything?
JERRY: No story? GEORGE: No forget the story.
JERRY: No, nothing. JERRY: You've got to have a story. GEORGE: Why don't they have salsa on the table? JERRY: What do you need salsa for? GEORGE: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America. JERRY: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No salsa?"
GEORGE: Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show. JERRY: And who is on the show? Who are the characters? GEORGE: I could be a character. JERRY: You?
GEORGE: You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa." JERRY: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You have the seltezer after the salsa!"
GEORGE: Yeah. You could base a character on me. JERRY: So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza?
GEORGE: See, this should be a show. This is the show.
GEORGE: Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, "You know you're a quite a character."
JERRY: What?
JERRY: And who else is on the show?
GEORGE: This. Just talking.
GEORGE: Elaine could be a character. Kramer..
JERRY: (dismissing) Yeah, right. GEORGE: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea. JERRY: Just talking? Well what's the show about?
JERRY: Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody I know is a character on the show. GEORGE: Right. JERRY: And it's about nothing?
GEORGE: It's about nothing. GEORGE: Absolutely nothing.
(A moment passes) JERRY: So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing.
JERRY: (Nodding) I think you may have something there.
GEORGE: We go into NBC. [Jerry's apartment] JERRY: "We"? Since when are you a writer? (Jerry's explaining George's idea to Kramer) GEORGE: (Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com. JERRY: You want to go with me to NBC? GEORGE: Yeah. I think we really go something here.
JERRY: So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you. KRAMER: (Thinks) No, I don't think so.
JERRY: What do we got?
JERRY: What do you mean you don't think so?
GEORGE: An idea.
KRAMER: I don't like it.
JERRY: What idea?
JERRY: I don't understand. What don't you like about it?
GEORGE: An idea for the show. JERRY: I still don't know what the idea is.
KRAMER: I don't like the idea of a character based on me.
GEORGE: It's about nothing.
JERRY: Why not?
JERRY: Right.
KRAMER: well it just doesn't sit well.
GEORGE: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.
JERRY: You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.
JERRY: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing.
KRAMER: That's your problem, buddy.
GEORGE: Exactly.
JERRY: I don't understand what the big deal is.
JERRY: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."
KRAMER: Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition.
GEORGE: There you go.
JERRY: Whatever you want.
KRAMER: I get to play Kramer.
KRAMER: Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo.
JERRY: You can't play Kramer. KRAMER: I am Kramer.
NEWMAN:You gave me a defective detector. ... Jerry?
JERRY: But you can't act.
JERRY: Buyer beware.
KRAMER: Phew!
NEWMAN:Are you going to give me back that helmet or not?
[Newman enters] JERRY: Okay, fine. We'll use Newman.
KRAMER: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
KRAMER: Newman?
NEWMAN:No, but there's karma, Kramer.
NEWMAN:Use me for what?
JERRY: Karma Kramer?
JERRY: Nothin' What do you want?
NEWMAN:And one more thing. I'm not coming to your party. [exits]
NEWMAN:Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was uh, driving [ Jerry and Kramer turn away] home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on. I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange? KRAMER: Yeah. That's strange. NEWMAN:A radar detector, as I understand it, DETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS AND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren.
(Scene ends) [ NBC reception area) (Jerry and George are waiting) JERRY: (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter? GEORGE: (Nervous) Nothing. JERRY: You sure? You look a little pale.
KRAMER: That's queer uh? NEWMAN:I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT TICKET.
GEORGE: No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good. JERRY: What, are you nervous?
GEORGE: No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this!
JERRY: Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING? DEVOLA: You're under no obligation to shake my hand.
JERRY: What? GEORGE: I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible.
JERRY: Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD. DEVOLA: Why shouldn't I look good?
JERRY: This was your idea! GEORGE: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me.
JERRY: Oh, no reason. You're into karate right? DEVOLA: You want to hit me?
JERRY: Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives.
JERRY: What are you doing here?
GEORGE: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries.
DEVOLA: I dreopped a script off.
JERRY: I told you not to come.
[they stare at each other]
GEORGE: I need some water. I gotta get some water.
JERRY: Well, ...
JERRY: AH, GOOD FOR YOU.
DEVOLA: You don't have to say anything. JERRY: They'll give us water in there. GEORGE: Really? That's pretty good.
JERRY: No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday night.
[Jerry looks into hallway]
DEVOLA: Why?
JERRY: Oh God, it's Joe Devola.
JERRY: Kramer's party. DEVOLA: Kramer's ... having ... a ... party?
GEORGE: Who? JERRY: This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine. JERRY: Oh God he saw me. DEVOLA: Hello Jerry.
JERRY: No, no, he's not having a party. He's doing something. I don't know what it is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything. DEVOLA: Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very close friends.
JERRY: No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are very close friends. Very close. [Crazy Joe leaves] JERRY: Give my best to Hinckley. GEORGE: What was that? JERRY: I can't believe what I just did. I didn't know kramer didn't invite him. I better call Kramer, ...
JERRY: No. (The door opens, and, from Jerry and George's point of view, four executives stand up) (Scene ends) [ NBC president's office] (Stu Chermak, Susan Ross, Jay Crespi, and Russell Dalrymple, the head of the network, are all talking with Jerry and George)
[before he can dial]
RECEPTIONIST: They're ready for you. GEORGE: Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay?
STU: (To Jerry, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror. Now that's funny. GEORGE: The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu.
JERRY: Relax. Who are they? JERRY: Yeah, it's one of my favorites. GEORGE: Yeah, they're not better than me. JERRY: Course not. GEORGE: Who are they? JERRY: They're nobody.
RUSSELL: What about you, George? Have you written anything we might know? GEORGE: (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina." ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef.
GEORGE: What about me? JERRY: What about you?
JERRY: Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name?
GEORGE: Why them? Why not me? GEORGE: Pepe. JERRY: Why not you? GEORGE: I'm as good as them. JERRY: Better. GEORGE: You really think so?
JERRY: Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales. SusaNEWMAN:Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?
GEORGE: No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it.
GEORGE:(Attempting to spell his last name) D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L?
RUSSELL: So, what have you two come up with?
RUSSELL: (Obviously dislikes George) Not even close.
JERRY: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself-
GEORGE: Is it with a "y"?
GEORGE: (Interrupting) May I?
SusaNEWMAN:What's the premise?
JERRY: Go ahead.
JERRY: ..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an exgirlfriend, which is all true.
GEORGE: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: NOTHING. RUSSELL: Nothing? GEORGE: (Smiling) Nothing. RUSSELL: (Unimpressed) What does that mean? GEORGE: The show is about nothing. JERRY: (To George) Well, it's not about nothing.
RUSSELL: No.
GEORGE: Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, You go shopping. RUSSELL: You read? You read on the show? JERRY: Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading. RUSSELL: All right, tell me, tell me about the stories. What kind of stories?
GEORGE: (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing. GEORGE: Oh, no. No stories. JERRY: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.
RUSSELL: No stories? So, what is it?
(Jerry and George glare at each other. The receptionist enters)
GEORGE: (Showing an example) What'd you do today?
Receptionist: Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the phone.
RUSSELL: I got up and came to work. GEORGE: There's a show. That's a show.
RUSSELL: I'll call back. RUSSELL: (Confused) How is that a show? (Receptionist leaves)
JERRY: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work. GEORGE: No, no, no. Nothing happens. JERRY: Well, something happens. RUSSELL: Well, why am I watching it?
of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better. GEORGE: . . . I thought the woman was kind of cute.
GEORGE: Because it's on TV. RUSSELL: (Threatening) Not yet. GEORGE: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right?
JERRY: Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about? GEORGE: Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name.
(A moment passes)
JERRY: IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!
JERRY: (To Russell) How about this: I manage a circus..
GEORGE: Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting.
[Monks] JERRY: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team
JERRY: Oh, I forgot to call Kramer. GEORGE: Wait a minute let me call Susan. JERRY: No, no this is more important. GEORGE: She might be leaving to work any minute. JERRY: No, I got to warn him that I told Joe Devola about his party. GEORGE: No. [they race to the pay phone]
[George and Susan enter] [Paris hotel room - Dr. Reston and Elaine are kissing]
GEORGE: Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... Susan, from N B C.
ELAINE: What is it? JERRY: Of course. How are you? DR. RESTON: I was just thinking about this patient of mine.
SUSAN: Fine, it's good to see you.
ELAINE: What?
GEORGE: And this is Kramer.
DR. RESTON: Just wondering if he's taking his medication.
SUSAN: Hello. GEORGE: All right go ahead Susan, tell him.
ELAINE: Well, come on we're on vacation. JERRY: Tell me what? [Jerry's apartment] SUSAN: Well, I, [phone rings] JERRY: Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting area there, and you know how Devola is. He's all, ... [buzzer] KRAMER: Yeah [to buzzer]
JERRY: Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello. TEL: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
GEORGE: [OC] It's George. JERRY: And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party.
JERRY: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
KRAMER: Whoa, back up a second.
TEL: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
JERRY: Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him.
JERRY: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
KRAMER: Why would you think I would invite him?
TEL: No.
JERRY: I just a ssumed, ... KRAMER: Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't want that nut in my house. You know he's on medication.
JERRY: Well now you know how I feel. [Hangs up] GEORGE: Well, go ahead, tell him. JERRY: Kramer, are you drinking that milk?
KRAMER: Yeah. JERRY: What happened to you? JERRY: What's the expiration date on that? KRAMER: Devola came after me. KRAMER: September third. JERRY: The third?
JERRY: What? Devola? See I told you this guy is crazy. I can't believe this. What happened?
GEORGE: and SUSAN: The third? KRAMER: Um, Uh, ugh, ... SUSAN: Noooo... [Kramer throws up on Susan] [Monk's] GEORGE: I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming.
KRAMER: Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know I was walking home and I had to pick up my helmet from the shop, you know. I gota new strap. And I had it on you know, and I was checking the strap out to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I feel this kick hit me on the side of the head. It knocks me down, I look up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he say's, "That's what I thin k of your party." JERRY: Boy,that is some kick.
JERRY: I think SHE saw it coming. GEORGE: You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me.
KRAMER: Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that. JERRY: Wow, Newman's helmet. GEORGE: Holly.
JERRY: Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead. GEORGE: What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on. JERRY: Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind still would have given him Chekoslovakia. GEORGE: Chamberlind, you could hold his head in nthe toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.
KRAMER: I got bad news for you buddy. Devola says you're next. JERRY: Me, why? KRAMER: He doesn't like you. JERRY: What does he want from me? I didn't do anything. See this is all Elaine's fault. She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist. He probably can't get his medication. Now I got some nut after me. KRAMER: Pass the cream.
[Kramer enters with helmet]
GEORGE: Wait a second. [smells it]. all right.
[End]
Scripted by: Ken Tremblay (briepisken@sympatico.ca) Supervising producers: Larry Charles and Tom Cherones Executive Producer: Andrew Scheinman Created By: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Wayne Knight (as Newman), Bob Balaban (as Russel) Heidi Swedberg (as Susan), Kevin Page (as Stu), Len Lesser (as Uncle Leo), Steve Eastin (as cop #1), David Graf (as cop #2), Al FAnn (as judge), Stephen McHattie (as psychiatrist), Peter Blood (as Jay) and Julie Bloom (as receptionist) ==================================== ============================
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
[Jerry's apartment]
The Ticket Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Kramer: What are you looking for?
(Enter Kramer with one pant leg on) Jerry (going through couch cushions): Where the hell did I put this?
Jerry: The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place? Kramer: No, no, no. (Jerry notices Kramer's look) Jerry: All right, what is this?
Kramer: No, I swear. Kramer (clueless): what is what? Jerry: All right, very funny. I get it.
Jerry: I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays.
Kramer: You're in a weird mood. [Enter George] Jerry: Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it.
George (to Kramer): Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for.
Kramer: Fix what? Kramer: Me? Jerry: Your pants! (George hands Kramer a paper) (Kramer is startled when he realizes his looks) Kramer: what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for?
George: Yeah, here you go. Kramer: What's this? George: A dry-cleaning bill?
Jerry: Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke?
Jerry: From that woman at NBC? George: Yeah.
Kramer: No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny?
Kramer: A dry-cleaning bill for what?
Jerry: Go look at your face in the mirror.
George: For vomiting on her vest!
Kramer: Wha-huh-wha-huh...
Kramer: Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose!
[door buzzer] George: Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it! Jerry (pressing intercom): yeah? George (on intercom): It's George.
Kramer: Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator.
Jerry: Come on up.
George (to Jerry): Yeah, your milk.
Kramer: I don't believe this.
Jerry (pointing Kramer): He drank it.
Jerry: You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things?
Kramer: I didn't know.
Jerry: All right, well, we should all chip in I guess. Kramer: Yeah.
George: It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now.
Jerry: How much was it to clean the vest?
Kramer: Jeez!
George: Eighteen dollars.
George: Anyway.
Jerry: Can you get vomit out of suede?
[Phone rings, Kramer picks up. Answers in Italian.]
George: I don't know. Kramer: Yo-yo Ma! Jerry: What? Yo-yo Ma?
Jerry (interrupts): What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today.
Kramer: What about him? Jerry: You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'. George: What's Yo-yo Ma? Jerry: He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today. George: All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars. Jerry: I can't believe she sent you that drycleaning bill. George: I know! Jerry: That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it? George: The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network Jerry: Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing!
(on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye. George: What? Jerry: NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea. George: They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? Jerry: I don't know about sixty. George: Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh? Jerry: Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?
George: I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.'
Leo: Helloooo!
Jerry: Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!
Jerry: Hello there, how're you doing? Leo: Ha ha! How are you?
George: Oh! Jerry: Good, good. Jerry: You know, I think he wears a piece. Leo: How's your mom and dad? George: Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it. Jerry: Good, fine.
[Street] Jerry: I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it. [He throws his watch in the trash can beside him]
Leo: What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore! Jerry: Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all. Leo: You know where I just came from? [He grabs Jerry's forearm.]
George: What, is that the one your parents gave you? Jerry: Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab. George: All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab.
Danny Barma. Jerry (not enthousiastic at all): Oh, sure. Danny. Leo: He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time!
Jerry: I'll pay for it. George: It's not the money! Jerry: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience? [Both raise their arm to signal a cab.] Leo: Jerry! Jerry: Uncle Leo!
[Leo shakes Jerry around using his grip on Jerry's arm.] Jerry: Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember. [George gets impatient, touches his watch subtly, maybe subconsciously.] Leo: The funny thing is: I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt
off! Anyway, Danny says to me: 'You need any pajamas?'
[Kramer opens the door. He has shaving cream on his face.]
Jerry (interrupts): I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going.
Kramer: For what?
Leo: Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go. Jerry: We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC. Leo: Nobody got a gun to your head! Jerry (seems sincere): Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh. Leo: Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment. Jerry: I'm sorry, really. Leo: You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too! Jerry: Sorry, really. [Leo turns around and leaves. He passes by the trash can and sees the watch. He picks it up, takes it to his ear, laughs and puts it on. He walks away.]
Newman: What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago. Kramer: what about? Newman: The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today. Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later. Newman: You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand. Kramer: Well, I can't! Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!! Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat!
[Hall out of Kramer's apartment]
[Newman enters Kramer's apartment]
[Newman knocks on Kramer's door]
Don't step on anything.
Kramer (from inside): Yeah? Newman: Come on, are you ready? Let's go!
[NBC's waiting room]
[Straightens his tie]
Jerry: You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do?
You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives. George: I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself.
[They get up] George: Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here? [They walk toward the office]
Jerry: You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.'
Jerry: All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little.
George: Look at this.
[Courthouse waiting room]
Jerry: Why didn't you shave this morning?
Newman: Okay, you're all set? You got your story?
George: 'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon. Jerry: Why? George: Because of the day before. It's a long story.
George: Okay. A little.
Kramer: No. Newman: When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide. Kramer: Uhm...
[Jerry looks down the hall.] Can't get back on schedule.
Newman: Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide.
Jerry: Is that Joe Davola? [Pause; they're thinking] [Jerry crouches in his seat] Kramer: I never had an air conditioner. George: It's not him! Jerry: I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked. Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you. Jerry: Oh.
Newman: No! That's no reason to kill yourself! Kramer: Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room?
Newman: Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself. Kramer: Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself. Newman: No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else.
George: Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in? Jerry: Wouldn't tune in. George: Would they tune in? Jerry: No tune.
Kramer: I was never able to become a banker. [Newman has a revelation.]
Russel: We like to look at the show as if it were in EKG. You have your highs and your lows and it goes up and down.
Newman: Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker.
George: The show will be like a heart attack!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live.
Russel: So what you said last week about no story, you're a little flexible on that now.
Newman: You must be banker.
George: Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later.
Jerry: Just a huge massive coronary.
Kramer: MUST be banker. Jerry: He couldn't believe it. Newman (satisfied): Okay, we'll go with the banker story.
George (Laughs, snorts): I said, I said: 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?' [Jerry and George laugh]
[NBC office] (I might be missing a line here, I suck at cutting the commercials. If so, please complete.) [Courtroom] George: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation. [George is the only one laughing] Russel: And people really have to care about the characters.
Police officer: Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide. Judge: And then what happened?
Police officer: Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story and then he threw himself on the ground and he grabbed me around the legs and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream: 'My friend's going to die, my friend's going to die.'
some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company.
[NBC office]
[the lady is Susan]
Russel: Look. I don't know how you two guys feel but we would really like to be in business with you.
[George and Jerry both speak at the same time, nonstop]
[George starts, Jerry starts later, both speak at the same time, nonstop] George: Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business.
Jerry (backs his story): Hmm, hmm. George: That's my vow to you. Russel: Well, I got a feeling about you two. And even more than that. I place a great deal of confidence in that lady's judgment.
George: Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure. Jerry: Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah. Russel (gets up): So, let's make a pilot.
Jerry: We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business.
[Hand shakes]
George: Yeah!
[Courtroom]
Stu: Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'?
Newman: I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.
[Pause. George and Jerry are puzzled.] [Jerry gets it, pokes George.] Jerry: Your off-Broadway play.
Judge: I don't understand. George: Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was
Newman: You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another
bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say...
George: Yes! How're we gonna do that? [Enter Susan] Susan: Hey! Congratulations! Jerry: Thanks.
Kramer (interupts involuntarily): Yo-yo Ma! George: Oh, thank you. Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker. Judge: So then he didn't kill himself. Newman: No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today
Jerry: Thank you, thanks. George: Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me. Susan: No. Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call. Jerry: Phone call? Who knows I'm here? [He picks up the phone]
[Stands up, points to Kramer.] (dramatically) sitting right over there! And he can corroborate my entire testimony.
[NBC's waiting room] [Jerry and George are coming out of the office]
Hello? Mom? How'd you know I was here? Oh, I was not rude to him, that is baloney! I couldn't talk! I couldn't talk! I had a meeting! I don't know... he-he went off on something about pajamas! George: When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance. Susan: Oh, it was only vomit.
George: See? Jerry: Yeah! George: I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh! Jerry: Now, all we gotta do is write it.
George: Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning. Susan: Oh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber: yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't she send the bill?*
George: No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money.
George (excited, pushing Jerry forward): All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on.
Susan: Well, it was eighteen dollars. George: Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend.
[Coffee shop] George: Thirteen thousand?
Susan: Yeah. Call me. Jerry: Thirteen thousand. George: All right, great. George: a piece? Susan: Bye. Jerry: No, for both! Jerry: Bye thanks. George (chuckles): Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money.
George: That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode. Jerry: Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?
Jerry: Why? George: Well, he does. George: I offered to pay. She should've said no. Jerry: She did, you insisted. George: Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest.
Jerry: You're nuts! George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he? Jerry: He's somebody.
Jerry: Nah! George: What about me? George: How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?
Jerry: You're nobody.
Jerry: oh, I d-I don't know. I d---
George: Why him? Why not me?
George: Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer.
Jerry: He's good, you're not.
Jerry: Okay.
George: I'm better than him. Jerry: You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola!
George (crouches too): What? Where? Where?
George: Tell the cop. Jerry: Good idea.
Jerry: Outside! I saw him outside! [Walks to counter]
[Europe] *I think.* [Elaine is kissing with a guy. He stops. She keeps kissing him, then stops.]
Excuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut job and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just walk me outside and wait till I get into a cab. Cop: Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.
Elaine: what is it? Jerry: Thanks. Boyfriend: Oh, it's this patient. Elaine (sighing): Again?
Jerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George and wait over there.]
Boyfriend: I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave him an extra prescription for his medication.
Jerry (back in booth): He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life.
Elaine: Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days.
[Looks over at the cop]
Boyfriend: Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous. [Elaine turns around, rolls her eyes.]
Hey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu for?! George: I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin. [Jerry gets up and walks to the counter]
[Coffee shop]
Jerry (bossy): What are you doing?
Jerry: Go outside and see if he's still there.
Cop: What?
George: I can't go out there, he knows we're friends.
Jerry: What, are you ordering food now?
Jerry: Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor.
Cop: Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich. Jerry: What happened to the muffin?
[A cop sits down at the counter.]
Cop: I got a little hungry.
Newman: And why was that?
Jerry: All of a sudden you get hungry?
Kramer (to Newman): Would you let me say it? Let me talk!
Cop: Yeah! You got a problem with that? Jerry: No! Enjoy your lunch.
Newman: All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead.
[Goes back toward the booth and stops.]
Kramer: All right.
You know a muffin can be very filling.
Newman: Okay.
[Keeps walking to the booth]
Kramer (to Judge): I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker.
(to George): He's getting a sandwich now! George: I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.
Newman: And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eatingeating at you inside.
Jerry: All of a sudden he gets hungry.
Kramer (not convincing): Uh, yeah.
George: You know, a muffin can be very filling.
Newman: It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you...
Jerry: I know! Judge: Mister Newman.
[Courtroom] Newman (interrogating Kramer]: Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th? Kramer: What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be? Newman: You know what I mean. Kramer (to Judge): I was very upset that day.
Newman: Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it. Judge: Uh, continue. Newman: As you were saying, Mister Kramer... Kramer: What was the question? Newman: You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking. Kramer: Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he
said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.' Newman: But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail? Kramer: I don't know.
You were going to do something [Mimmicks stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around] to yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember the banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!!!
Newman: It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true?
Judge: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a---
Judge: Uh, could you get to the speeding?
Kramer: What banking?
Newman: Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not?
Newman: A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor...
Newman: Yes, the banker!!!
Judge: That's enough already. Kramer (puzzled): Phone call? Newman: Yes, a phone call!
Newman: Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught.
Kramer: From who?
Kramer: I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo!
Newman: From me!
Newman (to Kramer): You shut up!
Kramer: From you?
(to judge): I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure.
Newman: Yes, from me!! I called you remember?
Judge: That'll be seventy-five dollars. Kramer: You called me? Newman: Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember?
Newman (Strangling Kramer): What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out! [They fall on their backs. Kramer knocks the flag on judge.]
Kramer: what? Newman: You were going to... [Mimmicks hanging himself, growing hysterical as only Newman can]
[Coffee shop] (Missing another line here as well. Told you, I sucked at cutting the commercials, didn't I? Please complete
again. *between asterisks are only guesses. Correct if not accurate.)
Jerry: What are you doing here?
*Jerry: Do you see him?
Kramer: What are YOU doing here?
George: I'm not* sure.
Jerry: Hey, is Davola outside?
Jerry: Well, either you see him or you don't.
Kramer: Davola?
George: All right. I don't.
Jerry: Yeah.
Jerry (looking at the cop): What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.!
Kramer: No, I didn't see him.
George: What's with this guy?
George (reading the tabs): Jerry, yours is eleven dollars.
Newman: Crazy Joe Davola?
[Jerry walks to the counter] Jerry: Eleven dollars for what? Jerry (still bossy): Did you just order coffee? George: Muffin, sandwich and coffee! Cop: Yeah. Jerry: This is really too much. Cop: What is your problem? Jerry: Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes.
Jerry (to Kramer): Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot. Kramer: You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh? Jerry: No. Newman: Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand?
Cop: Well, you're just gonna have to wait. [Enter Kramer and Newman]
George: What's the difference? The money is not important.
Kramer: Never said anything about the banking.
Jerry (looking outside): Hey Newman, is that your red car?
Newman: You're off your rocker.
Newman: Yeah.
Jerry: Hey you guys!
Jerry: I think you're getting a ticket.
Kramer: Hey!
Newman: Deh!
Kramer: Run, run! Go, go, go! [Newman runs outside] Newman: Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses.
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
Kramer: I saw the whole thing! Jerry: Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot. George: Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier.
The Wallet Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Jerry: Oh, like you know what you're talking about! George: No, YOU do!
Transcribed by: The NewsGuy(MIke) Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones
End. With
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Stephen McHattie [ Dr. Reston ], David Sage [ Dr. Dembrow ], Susan Ilene Johnson [ Nurse ], Denise Dowse [ Receptionist ], Brian Leckner [ Attendant ]
Monologue; Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it."
Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you come back next week?" [In Jerry's Car] JERRY: George and I went up to NBC and we told them our idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract. HELEN: And they liked your idea?
HELEN: What kind of problems? JERRY: Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money. HELEN: What? He's not even working. MORTY: George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me. They're all crooks. HELEN: Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.
JERRY: Yeah.
JERRY: We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now.
MORTY: What'ya got leather seats here?
[George's car]
HELEN: Since when is George a writer?
GEORGE: So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass.
JERRY: What writer? It's a sitcom. SUSAN: You're passing? HELEN: That's exciting. When are you going to sign the contract? JERRY: Soon, there's a couple of problems. MORTY: Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst. JERRY: What do you expect? It's airline food.
GEORGE: Well, it's . . . much too low. SUSAN: Are you and Jerry in complete agreement on this? GEORGE: Ah, yeah, . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.
MORTY: . . . give you fish.
SUSAN: Because you know, because this is your first show this is a pretty standard deal.
JERRY: How could you eat fish on a plane?
GEORGE: Standard?
MORTY: because she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat.
SUSAN: Yeah. GEORGE: Is Ted Danson's deal standard?
SUSAN: Ted Danson?
GEORGE: That's the one your parents bought you?
GEORGE: You know, the guy from Cheers. JERRY: Yeah, but it never worked. SUSAN: Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson.
[Back to present day in car at gas station]
GEORGE: I didn't say I was Ted Danson.
JERRY: . . . it's being fixed.
SUSAN: All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.
MORTY: I got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where I got it.
GEORGE: SUSAN: Oh, uh, before I forget, . . . cigars. A present from my father.
JERRY: It's at the jeweler. MORTY: You send me the bill.
GEORGE: Oh, uh, do I have to write him a note or something?
JERRY: I'm not sending you the bill.
SUSAN: Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.
HELEN: That watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it.
GEORGE: But what do I say in the note?
GSUSAN: That's uh, $18.50.
SUSAN: Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of something.
MORTY: Here, I got it.
GEORGE: Oh, uh, yeah, I'm a writer, (laughs)
JERRY: What are you talking about? It's my car. You can pay for the gas.
[Jerry's car at gas station]
MORTY: No, no put it away . . .
HELEN: Were you waiting long at the gate?
JERRY: Dad!
JERRY: I don't even know?
MORTY: Stop it.
HELEN: Where's that watch we bought you?
JERRY: I have money. I make money.
JERRY: Oh uh
MORTY: Yeah, yeah, you make money.
[Flashback to street]
JERRY: You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it?
JERRY: That's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage)
HELEN: No, I don’t think that.
JERRY: Yes you do. That's what you both think.
KRAMER: Well some guy kicked me in the side of the head.
MORTY: I'll pay.
HELEN: What guy?
JERRY: I'm paying.
KRAMER: Crazy Joe Devola.
MORTY: Get out of here.
HELEN: Why?
JERRY: You're not paying
KRAMER: Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and Jerry tipped him off.
MORTY: Jerry please, JERRY: You're not doing this.
JERRY: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
(both fighting to pay)
JERRY: I didn't know he wasn't invited
[Jerry's apartment]
MORTY: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?
JERRY: Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing?
HELEN: So why did you say anything? MORTY: Nothing nothing. JERRY: It was a mistake. JERRY: Leave it. What about your back? HELEN: Morty, what are you doing?
MORTY: They're good around the house and they're good for outside.
MORTY: All right, all right.
HELEN: Are you okay?
JERRY: You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week - but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion
[Kramer enters]
HELEN: So what's the matter with this Devola guy?
KRAMER: Hey, Morty. MORTY: Hey, Mr. Kramer.
JERRY: He's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.
KRAMER: Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah. He's after Jerry now.
HELEN: What happened to you?
JERRY: Kramer!!
HELEN: He's what?!
JERRY: It's true.
JERRY: He's joking.
HELEN: No, it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. Morty?
HELEN: He's after you? JERRY: Nooo. HELEN: Why is he after you?
MORTY: Maybe some people don't like him. I could see that.
JERRY: He's not after me.
HELEN: Kramer?
HELEN: Morty, did you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry.
KRAMER: Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got?
HELEN: I'll make a few phone calls.
JERRY: Um, huh, I don't have my watch on. It's being fixed.
JERRY: Who are you going to call? KRAMER: When you getting it back? MORTY: What are you worried about? JERRY: Uh, next week. HELEN: I want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you.
KRAMER: Next week? How come it's taking so long?
JERRY: I didn't do anything. JERRY: Huh? HELEN: Well you must have done something.
KRAMER: I said how come it's taking so long?
JERRY: No, he just doesn't like me. JERRY: I don't know. They're backed up. HELEN: Doesn't like you? How can anyone not like you?
KRAMER: wait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it?
JERRY: You know, it seems impossible. JERRY: Where'd I take it? HELEN: Doesn't like you? How can that be? KRAMER: Yeah. JERRY: Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me.
JERRY: Where did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing with knife) Um, to that place on, uh Columbus and uh, 85th. Okay?
HELEN: Huh, Jerry, don't say that. KRAMER: Jimmy Sherman's?
JERRY: Yeah. KRAMER: Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning. JERRY: No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him KRAMER: I'd be happy to. JERRY: He's a friend of mine. JERRY: I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment. KRAMER: Hey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy. MORTY: Give me the receipt. KRAMER: I'll get that too. (exits)
KRAMER: Oh, oh, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle. HELEN: How can anyone not like him. [Back doctor's office] MORTY: Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment. RECEPTIONIST: Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill in this form(?). MORTY: All this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes. RECEPTIONIST: I know. It's very long. MORTY: Look at this. It's a book. Employer's address. What do they need this? You know I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. My back was fine.
JERRY: Be right back. (follows Kramer out) HELEN: Well, it's not the sofa. [In the hallway] JERRY: . . . I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me so don't mention it again, okay! KRAMER: All right.
MORTY: You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person. HELEN: We got it at Sullivan's. It's a good store.
JERRY: All right.
MORTY: One day somebody's going to sleep on that thing and we'll get sued. I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.
KRAMER: Wait, wait , . . .
HELEN: Leo says he's the best there is.
[Jerry reenters his own apartment]
MORTY: Leo, I'm listening to Leo now!
HELEN: What was that about?
HELEN: You're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy?
GEORGE: Oooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking! JERRY: Well, I think you're wrong.
MORTY: Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. . . . (back to the form) Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.
GEORGE: Well, we'll just see. JERRY: Yes we will. GEORGE: Yes we will.
RECEPTIONIST: Julie, you want to take him back?
JERRY: I just said that.
[Jerry's Apartment]
GEORGE: I know you did.
JERRY: You what? You passed? How could you do that?
JERRY: So good for you. GEORGE: So good for you.
GEORGE: Jerry, my young friend, you are so nave. You are so so nave. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I am negotiating. Negotiation, this is what you do in business. JERRY: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, they go to the next show. GEORGE: Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ooooo they're not going to do the show. JERRY: We're lucky they are even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!
JERRY: We'll you're repeating everything I'm saying? GEORGE: We'll you're repeating everything I'm saying? JERRY: Well George is an idiot. GEORGE: Well George,,. . . . [Doctor's examination room] MORTY: All right, all right, Let's go already. They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. . . . Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me. HELEN: (enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you. MORTY: Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes.
HELEN: Well the doctor must be busy.
KRAMER: A box of cigars?
MORTY: Well what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. uh, look if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel .
GEORGE: Yep,
NURSE: Hello, Mr. Seinfeld. MORTY: I thought you forgot about me.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah? GEORGE: The kind that Castro smokes. You can't buy them anywhere. KRAMER: Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish)
NURSE: We didn't forget. [Buzzer] (pulls apart the Velcro blood pressure band) JERRY: Yes? MORTY: Ah! It's Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines. NURSE: Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays.
Voice: Federal Express. JERRY: Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package.
MORTY: Leave all my stuff here?
KRAMER: Wooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar into the building.
NURSE: Leave it.
JERRY: You think so?
[They exit]
KRAMER: Federal Express? Of course. It's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it might be a murderer.
[Jerry's Apartment] GEORGE: Okay, by the way. Do you want a box of Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.
JERRY: So you want us to abolish all home package deliveries.
JERRY: No I don't want them.
KRAMER: Yes. It's dangerous.
[Kramer enters]
[Knock on the door - Kramer prepares for a fight]
KRAMER: I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?
JERRY: Who is it?
GEORGE: Here you go.
Voice: Federal Express.
KRAMER: Okay, . . . ELAINE: Oh, he's fine. [Elaine enters] JERRY: Things are good? ALL: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! ELAINE: Yeah, you know (scratches cheek) ELAINE: Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.
JERRY: Uh oh.
KRAMER: I came back for you.
ELAINE: What, Uh ih?
ELAINE: Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer)
JERRY: Did you see that?
JERRY: I missed you.
GEORGE: Yeah, I saw it.
ELAINE: Really?
ELAINE: What?
JERRY: Yeah, . . .
JERRY: It's a tell. You gotta tell.
(lots of missing you talk)
ELAINE: What tell? What's a tell?
KRAMER: I'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match. ELAINE: Who's suitcase is this?
JERRY: When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody.
JERRY: Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist.
ELAINE: Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?
ELAINE: Oh, golly, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.
JERRY: Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out.
GEORGE: Boy, you look really great. JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: How high did I go? ELAINE: You lie. GEORGE: You almost did the nose. GEORGE: No, no you really look great. ELAINE: Hu hu, ha. JERRY: So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston?
JERRY: What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display.
GEORGE: I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.
KRAMER: You know I can't find a match anywhere.
JERRY: You're off bread. . . . So what happened is it over?
GEORGE: You know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things.
ELAINE: Well not quite. JERRY: Why not? ELAINE: He was my psychiatrist, you know. He knows all my patterns. In my relationships I always try to find some reason to leave, so as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave.
ELAINE: No, it's not going to work with this guy. GEORGE: Well, you just tell him an old boyfriend has come back into your life. ELAINE: I don't think so. JERRY: Nice try.
GEORGE: What do you mean - "Not letting you?"
GEORGE: Took a shot.
ELAINE: He has this power over me, okay. He has this way of manipulating every little word I say. He's like a Svenjolly.
KRAMER: This is a good cigar (hair is on fire) . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom)
GEORGE: Svengali.
[Doctor's examining room. Morty enters]
ELAINE: What did I say?
MORTY: So, when do I get to see the doctor?
JERRY: Svenjolly. ELAINE: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly. JERRY: George?
NURSE: He'll be in with the X-Rays in a few minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves)
GEORGE: Svenjolly.
MORTY: (checking pants) They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE!
ELAINE: I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.
MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.
JERRY: So maybe he's got like a cheerful mental hold on you.
NURSE: Are you sure?
[Kramer enters]
MORTY: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my XRay Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
(doctor enters)
[Dr. Reston's office]
DR. DEMBROW:Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Devro
ELAINE: I am sorry but there's somebody else.
MORTY: I'm not interested in the X-Rays. I want my money back. Somebody stole my wallet. I had $225 in there. DR. DEMBROW: Why, I don't see how something like that could have happened. MORTY: Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well it happened. Believe me. HELEN: (enters) What's going on? MORTY: They stole my wallet.
DR. RESTON : Huh, huh. ELAINE: Well it's nothing I planned on happeniong, you knoe. It just kind of happened. DR. RESTON : Tell me about him. ELAINE: Well, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy. Really. DR. RESTON : Yes, I assumed he was a guy. And you've known him how long?
HELEN: What? MORTY: While I was in getting X-Rayed.
ELAINE: . . . Years. Years, um, we've been close friends and then recently something you know just happened.
DR. DEMBROW: All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry about your wallet but would you like me to look over these X-Rays?
DR. RESTON :You mean sexually? ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.
MORTY: What kind of clip joint are you running here? DR. DEMBROW: All right, fine. (leaves)
(phone rings)
HELEN: The least you could have done was hear your diagnosis.
DR. RESTON :Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. No it's just east of madison. Around 4:00 will be fine. All right Bobo. (hangs up) . . .I'm sorry where were we?
MORTY: I am not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum.
ELAINE: Well, I was just telling you about this other guy.
HELEN: You came all the way from Florida to see him.
DR. RESTON : Elaine, do you remember your dream where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?
MORTY: I want to know what kind of an office this is where you can't leave your pants in the room. You tell me.
ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) ha um.
DR. RESTON :Elaine, I'm concerned about you. ELAINE: Oh, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good, I mean I'm really very very good. DR. RESTON : Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot again?
DR. RESTON :I want you to tell this young man to give me a call. It is very important that I speak to him. ELAINE: Oh, no, no no no, I can't do that. DR. RESTON :You can do it and you will do it. ELAINE: No, I can't.
ELAINE: . . . no. DR. RESTON :You can and you will. DR. RESTON : And how often have you been seeing, . . .? I'm sorry what is his name?
ELAINE: Okay, okay. I'll have Kramer give you a call.
ELAINE: His name? [Restaurant] DR. RESTON :Yes, his name. ELAINE: Um, what's the difference?
JERRY: So you didn't even let the doctor treat you?
DR. RESTON : Are you afraid to tell me his name?
MORTY: I wouldn't give him the satiusfaction.
ELAINE: No, no, I just don't see how that's relevant.
HELEN: Why did you leave your wallet in your pants?
DR. RESTON : It doesn't matter if you don't see how. I see how.
MORTY: What are you talking about? What was I supposed to hide it somewhere?
ELAINE: Uh, his name, uh, Idon't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer.
HELEN: Well. You could have taken it with you.
DR. RESTON : Kramer. Is that his first name or his last name?
MORTY: Oh, yeah, I'd be lying on the X-Ray table with my wallet in my mouth. (Leo enter)
ELAINE: Oh, I'm really uncomfortable talking about this. DR. RESTON : Elaine, I want you to do me a favor. ELAINE: What?
LEO: Hello, ,hello. JERRY: Hi Uncle Leo. LEO: I just talked to Dr. Denvro's son. He said they almost had to call the police.
MORTY: What are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet. LEO: You know how hard it was for me to get thjat appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.
HELEN: Doesn't that watch look like the one we gave Jerry. JERRY: Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a . . (looking at watch) JERRY: Can we continue this another time.
MORTY: All right, Leo. [To be continued . . . ] LEO: You walked out without paying. MORTY: How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet. LEO: Well, I hope you sent him a check. MORTY: What for? LEO: What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor. MORTY: That's the second time you said "personal favor". Why do you keep saying that? LEO: I said it once.
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
MORTY: Twice! And Dembrowdoesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor. HELEN: Leo, where did you get that watch? LEO: You know where I got this? (flashback) I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day. Works great. What kind of idiot throws a way a perfectly good watch?
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
The Watch Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays?
Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by: Mark Brockbank, Barrow-inFurness Episode Number: 046 Original Air Date: September 30, 1992 Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Recurring Cast: Liz Sheridan (Helen Seinfeld) Barney Martin (Morty Seinfeld) Len Lesser (Uncle Leo) Bob Balaban (Russell Dalrimple) Heidi Swedberg (Susan) Peter Crombie ("Crazy" Joe Davola) Guest Cast: Stephen McHattie (Dr. Reston) Jessica Lundy (Naomi) Christopher Carroll (Maitre d') Lewis Dauber (Doorman) Mimi Craven (Cynthia)
[Montage] The episode opens with a series of clips from 'The Pitch', 'The Ticket' and 'TheWallet', illustrating the story so far. A rough precis would be: George turns down the offer from NBC for the show, telling Jerry he's negotiating. Susan gives George a box of Cuban cigars from her father, which hepasses to Kramer, who sets fire to his hair while lighting one. Jerry's
parents come to town, so's Morty can see a back specialist - he slept on the fold-out. Kramer tells Jerry's parents that Crazy Joe Davola is after Jerry. Jerry throws away a watch his parents gave him, because it doesn't keep time. Uncle Leo fetches it out of the garbage. Jerry tells his parents his watch is at the jeweller for repair. At the doctor's, Morty reveals his hatred of velcro and his wallet disappears. Elaine returns from Europe, eager to rid herself of the 'Svenjolly' Dr Reston. George tells her to inform the doctor she's seeing someone else. Elaine opts to say she's seeing Kramer, and Dr Reston wants to meet him.
[Nightclub] Jerry's standup piece. JERRY: It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for?
[Restaurant]
Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner. MORTY: (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day.
HELEN: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you. JERRY: She's pretty. She's not beautiful. HELEN: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful. JERRY: I think that's a little extreme.
JERRY: Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.
LEO: (grudgingly) She's awright.
Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table. Helen watches her.
MORTY: (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this.
HELEN: (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.
[George's Car]
JERRY: She's okay.
GEORGE: He said what?
HELEN: Just okay?
SUSAN: "The hell with them."
JERRY: She's nice.
GEORGE: "The hell with them?"
HELEN: She's better than nice.
SUSAN: Those were his exact words.
JERRY: She's all right.
GEORGE: (worried) Oh boy.
HELEN: She's beautiful.
SUSAN: He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?"
JERRY: She's not beautiful. HELEN: I think she's beautiful. JERRY: So you ask her out.
GEORGE: (still worried) He was pretty emphatic?
HELEN: I'm not gonna ask her out.
SUSAN: Pounded on his desk.
JERRY: Why not?
GEORGE: Pounded?
SUSAN: (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer. GEORGE: (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end.
SUSAN: Give it back! GEORGE: Gimme the purse!
[Kramer's Apartment] Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch.
SUSAN: You said it was insulting. GEORGE: I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me. SUSAN: Well, there's nothing I can do. GEORGE: Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it?
ELAINE: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that? KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend. ELAINE: Okay. KRAMER: Have we been intimate? ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
SUSAN: Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games. GEORGE: Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him? SUSAN: You'll have to wait til Monday. GEORGE: Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?
KRAMER: Alright, how often do we do it? ELAINE: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that? KRAMER: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that. ELAINE: Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, okay?
SUSAN: (laugh) I can't give you his address. KRAMER: (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles) George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse on the dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues.
ELAINE: Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say?
KRAMER: I know what I'm gonna say. ELAINE: No, no, but I would like to hear it. KRAMER: No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it. Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself. ELAINE: (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him.
KRAMER: ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's... ELAINE: (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends. KRAMER: ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, we're much more than friends... Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep going.
ELAINE: Hey, how's your hair?
KRAMER: ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...
KRAMER: Oh, well, yeah, it's good.
Elaine smiles.
ELAINE: (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be playing with matches, seriously Kramer.
KRAMER: ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.
KRAMER: (playing with his hair) Talk to him.
KRAMER: (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.
Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures.
ELAINE: (mouths silently) Okay.
ELAINE: (mouths silently) That's perfect!
Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music.
KRAMER: If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.
KRAMER: (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land... He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell is he doing?' look.
Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate he's doing so well. KRAMER: Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)
Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff.
Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer.
KRAMER: ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible...
ELAINE: (frustration) Ugh!
Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick.
[Restaurant]
KRAMER: (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh...
Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table. NAOMI: Did you enjoy your poisson? HELEN: It was... different.
Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on his knee. Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried.
NAOMI: (to Jerry) And how was yours? JERRY: Ah, very good.
KRAMER: ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So long.
NAOMI: You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change your life expectancy.
Kramer hangs up the phone.
Naomi leaves.
ELAINE: What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on here?
HELEN: What's the matter with you?
KRAMER: Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together.
HELEN: Why didn't you flirt with her?
JERRY: No thanks, just the check.
JERRY: What?
JERRY: Come on. ELAINE: (horrified) Get together!! KRAMER: He wants to talk.
HELEN: She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something?
ELAINE: Well, why didn't you say no!!
JERRY: What am I gonna say?
KRAMER: (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's interesting.
HELEN: You just sat there. JERRY: Well, you made me uncomfortable.
HELEN: You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something? LEO: (to Morty) Where's the bathroom?
bathroom. Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to read it too.
JERRY: In the back, on your right. Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table. As he puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug of war develops. JERRY: Dad!
MORTY: How the hell am I gonna pay for this?
[Restaurant Bathroom] Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry in the mirror.
MORTY: Will you stop it Jerry. Let go. LEO: They give you some portion here, huh? HELEN: Jerry. JERRY: Will you let me pay just once. MORTY: You're out of your mind. JERRY: How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet!
JERRY: Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting.
JERRY: What're you gonna do?
LEO: (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.
MORTY: What's the difference, we'll figure something out.
JERRY: So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh?
HELEN: (to Jerry) You're not paying.
LEO: Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you.
MORTY: Don't worry about it.
Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take the check. JERRY: Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the
JERRY: Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift. LEO: Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these.
Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping pace with him.
GEORGE: (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have to talk to you!
JERRY: Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one.
DOORMAN: Excuse me.
LEO: (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter) Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the arm. JERRY: (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you.
[Apartment Building Lobby] A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous George stands beside him.
GEORGE: It's about the show. It... No, it was... DOORMAN: Excuse me. GEORGE: ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister Dalrimple. George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman should listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does. DOORMAN: (into phone) Very good, sir.
DOORMAN: (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you. GEORGE: Costanza. Costanza.
A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads toward Russell Dalrimple's apartment.
DOORMAN: (into phone) George Costanza. [Restaurant] GEORGE: The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend. DOORMAN: (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He says, call him Monday. A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and pulls it down so's he can speak into it.
Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who speaks with an approximate French accent. MORTY: You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check. MAITRE D': Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back?
MORTY: No, no, he won't let me do that. ELAINE: (frustrated) Just go. MAITRE D': Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly? MORTY: He could wash them.
Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye, then wonders why she's doing that and gives up.
MAITRE D': Monsieur, we are running a reputable business.
[Russell Dalrimple's Apartment]
MORTY: Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years! MAITRE D': Aha, but you did not give them away, did you? MORTY: You don't understand my... MAITRE D': Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah.
[Street Corner] Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building. ELAINE: Now look, don't take too long.
Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background is a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful date. She looks haughty and bored throughout the scene. GEORGE: (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything. RUSSELL: We were about to sit down to dinner. George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave. RUSSELL: (indicating) This is Cynthia.
KRAMER: (looking around) Look at this building. What is this?
GEORGE: (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?
ELAINE: I don't know. It's a building.
RUSSELL: No.
KRAMER: (indicating) The door's on a diagonal.
GEORGE: Looks like veal. RUSSELL: It's not veal.
ELAINE: So what? KRAMER: (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect.
GEORGE: Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously)
Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)
we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted. CYNTHIA: (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide.
RUSSELL: Who gave you my address? GEORGE: No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has. Russell closes the door. GEORGE: He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted. Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area. GEORGE: Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems. RUSSELL: So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show? Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee table. As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks up the glass and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it. GEORGE: Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what
GEORGE: Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme... RUSSELL: Blossom's on Monday. GEORGE: Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC. (forced laughter) RUSSELL: Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made a deal with another writing team. GEORGE: (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right? George is opening the door. RUSSELL: Alright, now look. These deals are already made. George closes the door and turns back to Russell.
GEORGE: Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy... George opens the door, and is halfway through. RUSSELL: Mister Costanza. George re-enters again. GEORGE: Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the grain? Alright, anyway... George is halfway through the door again. CYNTHIA: (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat? RUSSELL: (to George) Alright. Eight thousand.
Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch. JERRY: Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here! LEO: Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it. JERRY: Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred! LEO: (indicating) I've never seen a band like this. JERRY: Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it! LEO: You have it on you? JERRY: Yeah, I think I do. Jerry fetches out his wallet.
GEORGE: (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy. George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns to Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens it, to reveal George.
JERRY: (under his breath) This is unbelievable. Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to the bathroom opens and Morty enters. MORTY: What the hell is going on here?
GEORGE: May I just use your bathroom for a moment? [Dr Reston's Office] [Restaurant Bathroom]
On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces
himself to Dr Reston.
RESTON: (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...
KRAMER: Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you.
KRAMER: ...Okay, yes, shoot.
RESTON: (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in.
RESTON: Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine.
KRAMER: Thank you.
KRAMER: Oh, alrighty uh...
RESTON: Please, sit down.
He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble from the leather.
Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face each other, he crosses his legs. KRAMER: (quiet) Okay. Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr Reston's crossed legs sitting position.
KRAMER: Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation. RESTON: Is it? KRAMER: Oh, you better believe it.
[Street Corner] RESTON: Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything? KRAMER: Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino?
Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls Joe Davola, singing as he goes. DAVOLA: (singing) '...Travelling along...'
RESTON: I don't think we have that. Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in. KRAMER: Well, that's a little strange. RESTON: Uh, why does that surprise you? KRAMER: Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink
ELAINE/DAVOLA: '...singing a song, side by side...' Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what he sees, and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt.
RESTON: This is an office. KRAMER: That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh...
ELAINE: Wow. You really have a terrible voice. DAVOLA: Do I know you?
are gonna make a wonderful couple. ELAINE: Uhh, I don't think so. DAVOLA: 'Cos you really look familiar. ELAINE: Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount Rushmore. DAVOLA: Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale. ELAINE: Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt.
Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe. RESTON: If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone... KRAMER: (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh. RESTON: ...About anything. You have my number. KRAMER: (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you.
DAVOLA: Oh really. ELAINE: Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this. They laugh and smile at each other.
Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a box of tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars. KRAMER: Mmm, these are good, huh?
[Dr. Reston's Office] Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing. KRAMER: You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right. RESTON: I'm glad we agree. KRAMER: (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans.
Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box. KRAMER: (quiet) Oh. Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it to put out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for it, he keeps the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers. He jumps, almost dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits.
RESTON: I'd love one. Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket. KRAMER: Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two
[Street Corner] Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number on a piece of paper.
ELAINE: I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. You're not a nut, are you?
leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of disbelief on his face.
[Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office] DAVOLA: No, I don't think so. Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as they laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut.
[Restaurant]
A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling 'Side By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door opens and Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer walks away, relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling happily.
Naomi is handing her card to Jerry. JERRY: I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this. NAOMI: (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every customer who comes in here. JERRY: Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate.
[Street Corner] Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens and one of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door, which swings shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine. KRAMER: Hey.
NAOMI: (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.
ELAINE: What happened? What took you so long? KRAMER: Hey, he's a terrific guy.
JERRY: Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin? NAOMI: Why?
ELAINE: Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say? KRAMER: Well, we talked about a lot of things.
JERRY: They eat fish. Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh later described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and persistent. Jerry
The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's office. ELAINE (O.C.): You talked about a lot of things? Well...
KRAMER (O.C.): Yeah.
JERRY: I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am.
ELAINE (O.C.): Did you talk about us? The buzzer sounds. Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the window fade up.
HELEN: Oh, that must be Leo. JERRY: I woulda taken you to the airport.
DAVOLA (O.C.): I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. RESTON (O.C.): Did you say Elaine?
HELEN: He has nothing to do. JERRY: Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah? GEORGE (O.S.): It's George. JERRY: Come on up. (to parents) It's George.
[Nightclub] MORTY: Oh, it's George. Jerry's standup piece. JERRY: How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!"
HELEN: What ever happened with NBC and the deal? JERRY: Ah, George turned it down. HELEN: He turned it down? JERRY: Yeah. HELEN: Why did he do that? JERRY: Because of Ted Danson.
[Jerry's Apartment] Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing packing. MORTY: You shoulda told me it didn't work.
HELEN: What does Ted Danson have to do with it? MORTY: Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.
JERRY: I know, I know.
JERRY: (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money.
HELEN: You didn't have to throw it out.
George enters.
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Hey. MORTY: Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya? GEORGE: Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How are you?
GEORGE: I'm just happy to be working with your talented son... JERRY: Aww... GEORGE: ...Who's not doing this for the money.
He approaches Helen for a greeting. JERRY: ...C'mon. HELEN: What's the matter with you? GEORGE: What'd I do? JERRY: What about NBC? Did you hear anything?
GEORGE: You have no idea how refreshing that is. JERRY: So what'd we get? GEORGE: (big smile) Eight thousand dollars.
GEORGE: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. JERRY: Beautiful! Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait.
GEORGE: (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us.
GEORGE: We got a deal. HELEN: Four thousand apiece? There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed at George. MORTY/HELEN/JERRY: (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal! JERRY: Heyy! Terrific. MORTY: You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder) GEORGE: Uh, please, Morty. MORTY: No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again)
JERRY: Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for... less money. GEORGE: I was wrong, you were right. JERRY: You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up. GEORGE: You're smart, I'm dumb. JERRY: You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world. The buzzer sounds. HELEN: That's gotta be Leo.
JERRY: (to intercom) Yeah?
JERRY: Okay.
LEO (O.C.): Leo.
GEORGE: Yeah, he's something, isn't he?
JERRY: Alright, we're coming down.
George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit.
MORTY: Alright, let's get going. HELEN: How could anybody not like you? JERRY: Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you.
GEORGE: (to Jerry) You're very special.
Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers it to Morty.
JERRY: (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars.
JERRY: A present.
[Street]
MORTY: A present?
Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient.
Morty opens it. MORTY: Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see.
LEO: Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two. MORTY: Alright, Leo.
JERRY: C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one. HELEN: I hope you didn't spend too much on that.
JERRY: Hey, uncle Leo. LEO: Hi, hi... JERRY: How you doing?
MORTY: I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever given me.
There are murmurs of greetings.
HELEN: He's something, you son, isn't he?
JERRY: This is some beautiful parking spot you got here.
JERRY: Ah hah, alright, let's go.
LEO: Yeah, I hate to give it up.
Everyone begins to head for the door.
JERRY: Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money?
MORTY: You're a terrific kid. MORTY: Jerry! Jerry picks up a case.
JERRY: Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip.
HELEN: You're kidding.
HELEN: (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry.
MORTY: Who needs this?
GEORGE: Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.
He tosses the wallet into the trash bin.
MORTY: Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet.
MORTY: Leo, let's go.
GEORGE: (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure. JERRY: Take care now. So long. Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment. They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear. GEORGE: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.
Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and walks toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his eye. Leo picks the wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching, and tucks it into his pocket as he goes to get in the car.
[Nightclub] Jerry's standup piece.
MORTY: You believe this?
JERRY: ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."
HELEN: What?
[End]
JERRY: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet. GEORGE: You're kidding. JERRY: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it. GEORGE: Man, would I like to see the look on his face. Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back.
MORTY: (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro.
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus Kramer Michael Richards Heidi Swedberg [Susan Ross] Jessica Lundy [ Naomi ] Brian Doyle-Murray [ Mel ] Carol Mansell [ Mother ] O-Lan Jones [ Waitress ] Jon Hayman [ Voice and Arm of Donald ]
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
George Gerdes [ Man #1 ] Tony Pappenfuss [ Man #2 ]
Written by: Larry David & Larry Charles The Bubble Boy Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Directed by: Tom Cherones ==================================== ================= Stock shot of Hunan Chinese restaurant at night <Jerry and Naomi enter Jerry's apartment>
Transcribed by The News Guy (Mike)
Cast:
JERRY: Well this is it. P: This is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food.
Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld
JERRY: Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic.
George Costanza Jason Alexander
P: Yeah, me too,
<Jerry rips machine out of the wall plug> JERRY: No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic.
JERRY: This thing has never worked right.
P: Laughs - ha ha ha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked
N: You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
gun is on. I've seen it. I
JERRY: Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of
laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch? JERRY: No, I mean, I don't think so. P: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you uwere happy go lucky. JERRY: No, nah, I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything
all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... ha ha " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... <Naomi exits> it makes the juice ... extracts the pulp and the vitamins, for long life and vitality.
I'm sad stop unlucky. <break> N: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha JERRY: That's not funny Naiomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holacost is on. GEORGE: (on phone) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set foe the week end. This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi. All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? AAnyway, i was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...
JERRY: How could you leave a mesage like that on my machine.? GEORGE: Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody? JERRY: Because I didn't think anyone would leave it! GEORGE: Well, I didn't think anyone would play it. JERRY: Well, now she's not going away for this weekend. GEORGE: What do you mean not goin'? We got plans here. Call her up. JERRY: Well, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a
girl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. Cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish mongers a pretty bad smell.
and I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Isn't that beautiful.
GEORGE: Well maybe you should ask Elaine. JERRY: and GEORGE: ye, hu, um ye, JERRY: Yeah but if I ask Elaine, Kramer will feel slighted. GEORGE: Oh no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her.
KRAMER: Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. foooo GEORGE: Gee, that's too bad. JERRY: Too bad.
JERRY: Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke? <Kramer enters smoking a cigar>
KRAMER: Why? What wa? GEORGE: Well, they got any golf courses up there?
JERRY: Ah, Kramer. JERRY: and GEORGE: No, no, no, no. KRAMER: Hello boys, top of the morning to ya. What do you say? What do ya be?
GEORGE: That's pie country.
JERRY: Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars.
JERRY: Yeah
KRAMER: So, what are you guys doin this weekend?
JERRY: They sell them by the side of the road.
JERRY:, GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh ..
PIE PIE PIE PIE
GEORGE: They do a lot of baking up there.
KRAMER: Because I'm going to e playing golf at the Westchester country club. Hum. <MONKS> JERRY: Westchester? Isn't that a private club?
ELAINE: I don't know.
KRAMER: Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St.
JERRY: Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it will be a better group.
ELAINE: What's that?
Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble.
JERRY: Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't know what to write on these things.
JERRY: A bubble?
I hate doin' this.
MEL: Yes, a bubble!
ELAINE: "I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?
MEL: Do you mind? May I?
ELAINE: A bubble?
ELAINE: Oh, sure. JERRY: Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go?
<Mel sits down with them>
ELAINE: Well, what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin! JERRY: Well, um same bed and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.
MEL: Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me.
JERRY: You'll be naked of course.
And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo We have sacrificed everything. All for our little bubble boy
ELAINE: Uh, thats, ...
<breaks up in tears>
MEL: Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?
: <in tears>
JERRY: Yeah.
MEL: Excuse me, I
MEL: My name's Sanger, mel Sanger. I drive that truck out there.
ELAINE: Here <giving out paper napkins>
ELAINE: What about me?
JERRY: Oh, the Yoo Hoo? I love Yoo Hoo. MEL: It's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago. I was watching the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood. Damnedest thing.
<<THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SCENES MEL AND ELAINE WIPE TEARS FROM THEIR EYES, JERRY WIPES CRUMBS FROM HIS MOUTH>> MEL: Excuse me, anyway we were watching you on TV JERRY: You get in the bubble with him?
MEL: No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic. JERRY: Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.
JERRY: Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where do you live, uh up town? Upper west side?
MEL: No, it's clear.
MEL: Up state.
JERRY: Ah ha.
JERRY: Up state! Hummm.
ELAINE: Who has the remote?
<break>
MEL: He does.
<Jerry's apartment>
ELAINE: The remote goes through the bubble?
JERRY: He's a bubble boy. GEORGE: A bubble boy?
MEL: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote. JERRY: So you have no control over the remote?
JERRY: Yes. a bubble boy. SUSAN: What's a bubble boy? JERRY: He lives in a bubble.
MEL: No, it's frustrating. GEORGE: Boy! ELAINE: Yeah, of course, yeah. MEL: So anyway, you're his favourite comedian. he laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot
SUSAN: So, what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?
of hemoglobin.
JERRY: No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room.
JERRY: That's nice!
SUSAN: Oh,
MEL: Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit
GEORGE: What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic?
and just say hello.
JERRY: That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. anyway what can I do I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.
JERRY: Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ... ELAINE: Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.
It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.
SUSAN: Well, where does he live?
KRAMER: Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it.
JERRY: I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'
SUSAN: The what?
SUSAN: Wait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin.
GEORGE: Nothing, uh lets get going. Come on.
GEORGE: All right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.
SUSAN: Did you..
JERRY: You think we can do it?
SUSAN: Is that one of the cigars my father gave you?
SUSAN: I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us. JERRY: Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited. SUSAN: I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible.
GEORGE: No, no, we'll talk about it later.
<break> <IN car on highway ELAINE: hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her? JERRY: Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.
GEORGE: All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.
ELAINE: Oh, that's nice!
JERRY: OK,
JERRY: What's he doing? What is his hurry?
<Kramer enters with golf bag, clubs and outfit, smoking a cigar>
ELAINE: Well you know George. It's not enough to get there. you gotta make good time.
KRAMER: Well, GEORGE: and JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice.
JERRY: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes. I never heard the end of it....Look at him.
<Susan recoils at his presence> <George's car> KRAMER: Well, I'm off to the links. GEORGE: and JERRY: Yeah,
GEORGE: Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that? SUSAN: Why?
GEORGE: ... just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. I once went from west 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in uh 15 minutes. hu uh Here hold this. It's ten dollars for the tolls. <Jerry's car>
<Jerry ranting in his car> JERRY: we make all these plans - he goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that ELAINE: Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing or whatever. JERRY: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM
JERRY: What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?
ELAINE: Just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out.
ELAINE: Isn't that blue car him?
<from George's car>
JERRY: No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot.
SUSAN: We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM!
Now what are we going to do? ELAINE: It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. JERRY: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even remember the name of the town. ELAINE: Wa',you don't have the directions?
GEORGE: It's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody? SUSAN: Well now what are you going to do? GEORGE: It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. SUSAN: Does he have the address? <Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - picks up a piece of paper from the counter>
JERRY: No, I was following him. ELAINE: How could you not take the directions? JERRY: Because, HE'S my directions. <from George's car> SUSAN: I didn't see them George.
JERRY: (answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks. N: (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi, Listen, if its not too late I've changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin
KRAMER: Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbour. Aw, well you know,
SUSAN: Come on lets go in. GEORGE: What?
Jerry's left, uh, But listen, yeah, see my golf game got cancelled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got
SUSAN: Well we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all.
pies and I got the directions right here. <break>
GEORGE: I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy.
<Kramer's car>
SUSAN: What's the matter?
KRAMER: So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind
G I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the
if I smoke?
hospital. She was getting' better.
N: No.
And then I went to pay her a visit. She say my face. BOOM. That was the end of it.
KRAMER: These are Cubans. <IN FAKE SPANISH> Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam.
SUSAN: We're goin' in. Come on. GEORGE: Susan, please... <grabs her>
N: ha ha ha ha ha ha SUSAN: George. Stop. <The Sangers' house> GEORGE: Would you wai,.. GEORGE: I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere. <Susan smooches him> GEORGE: Stop, would you quit it. GEORGE: Maybe someone is going to see us here. SUSAN: So what? You are SUCH a prude. GEORGE: Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them.
<Highway diner> JERRY: <ranting> Can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - how my whole weekend is gone - the plans, packing, ... everything ELAINE: Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?
JERRY: Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the BB? You don't have to mention the BB. I know about the BB. I'm aware of the BB. Why do you keep reminding me about the BB? <Elaine stares at him and blows a bubble with bubble gum>
WAITRESS: Oh, ha ha JERRY: Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine. ELAINE: He's lying. They're in the trunk <takes car keys > Now you get to sign another one. JERRY: I'm not lying.
JERRY: I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club. WAITRESS: How about you?
ELAINE: Yeah, he is. <as she leaves> JERRY: She'll have a cup of copy and a broiled chicken.
ELAINE: I'll just have a glass of water. <Sanger's house> JERRY: (whispers) You can't just have water. ELAINE: Why not? That's all I want.
Mrs. Sanger: You see it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic
JERRY: Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business.
divider. GEORGE: and SUSAN: <nod>
WAITRESS: Hold it a second. Don't you play on TV?
<long pause>
JERRY: Oh, no.
GEORGE: Can you uh, go in the bubble?
ELAINE: YES! yes. You saw him on TV.
Mrs. SANGER: Well, you have to put so many things on because of the germs.
WAITRESS: What's your name? ELAINE: Jerry Seinfeld.
MEL: The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.
JERRY: Elaaaiinne...
GEORGE: So then he makes his own bed?
WAITRESS: Garry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight Show.
Mrs. SANGER: well, that's one of the things we fight about.
ELAINE: Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture?
MEL: Would you like to meet him?
GEORGE: Uh, well, you know,... Mrs. SANGER: He loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him. DONALD: HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER,
ELAINE: That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back. I'm not happy with what I wrote. WAITRESS: It's good. I like it.
SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE. Mrs. SANGER: <embarrassed> ha ha ha.
<Highway Diner> : he he he One picture left in the truck.
JERRY: No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it. WAITRESS: Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one. JERRY: No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture.
JERRY: Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! This turned out to be a GREAT weekend.
WAITRESS: RIGHT! <leaves>
ELAINE: Where's my water?
<Donald's room>
JERRY: Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.
Mrs. SANGER: This is Donald.
WAITRESS: Thanks.
GEORGE: Hi.
ELAINE: Waddya' write?
SUSAN: Hello.
WAITRESS: "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."
DONALD: WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?
E, hu hu hu hu hu "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."?
Mrs. SANGER: He's on his way. These are his friends.
JERRY: No good?
DONALD: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?
ELAINE: THIS is what you came up with? JERRY: Well.
GEORGE: 'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... you know ...bubble. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on.
DONALD: WHAT'S YOUR STORY?
JERRY: I'm not paying for anything until I get that back.
SUSAN: I, I have no story.
WAITRESS: Well, you ain't getting' it back.
GEORGE: She works for NBC.
JERRY: Well, maybe I'll just take it back. <Hits picture>
DONALD: HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?
ELAINE: This chicken is really good.
Mrs. SANGER: Donald, behave yourself.
<BB's room>
DONALD: COME ON.
DONALD: OK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD!
Mrs. SANGER: I know. I know. Why don't you play a game of trivial Pursuit? GEORGE: Well, you know we gotta been running because of the ...
GEORGE: All right BB. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century? DONALD: THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.
DONALD: WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID? GEORGE: Humph, no, uh, it's just that ... DONALD: I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. <Highway Diner>
GEORGE: Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS. DONALD: MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.
JERRY: Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me.
GEORGE: I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.
WAITRESS: You are really startin' to get under my skin.
GEORGE: It's MOOPS.
DONALD: IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S NO MOOPS.
DONALD: MOORS. JERRY: I want that picture. GEORGE: MOOPS, WAITRESS: Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out.
DONALD: MOORS! <The4 cabin>
<Elaine digging into the roast chicken> KRAMER: Hey, anybody home?
<angry guy enters> N: What should we do? KRAMER: Huh, hold these <boxes of> pies.
MAN #1: Something's happened to the BB. They're rushing him to the hospital.
<Kramer falls in through open window>
WAITRESS: What? <releases Jerry>
<Donald's room>
JERRY: The BB? He lives around here?
GEORGE: Help, someone. <BUBBLE BOY is strangling George>
MAN #1: That's his house right down the road.
DONALD: THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.
MAN #2: He got in a fight with some guy.
SUSAN: Stop it. Let go of him!
Guy1: What kind of person would hurt the BB?
Mrs. SANGER: Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald! DONALD: I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.
MAN #2: Some little bald guy from the city. MAN #1: Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'?
Mrs. SANGER: Donald, ... donald... <Elaine and Jerry make their escape> DONALD: MOORS. SAY MOORS! <The cabin> Mrs. SANGER: Donald, No. ... stop it .. KRAMER: Naomi, come on let's get goin'. <Susan bursts the bubble> N: But that lake must be freezing. <hissing sound and Donald's hands leave George's throat>
KRAMER: Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process.
<Highway Diner> N: Ready to go swimming? <Waitress is strangling Jerry, cook is grabbing Jerry, Elaine is grabbing the cook> JERRY: What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!
KRAMER: Let's go. OK, N: ha ha ha ha ha
WAITRESS: Are you going to pay for that? <The Sanger house> JERRY: No, I want the picture back. GEORGE: Jerry, what happened to you?
JERRY: What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.
<In the woods> SUSAN: Do you smell something?
GEORGE: I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying to kill me. Susan tell him.
JERRY: Yeah, smoke.
SUSAN: It's a long story.
GEORGE: yeah, <cough> Definite smoke.
DONALD: HEY SEINFELD!
ELAINE: Argh, look at the fire! <cough>
JERRY: Hey, Happy Birthday.
JERRY: Holy cow! look at that!
ELAINE: Hi.
SUSAN: IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!
DONALD: THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.
ELAINE: The CABIN is on fire! GEORGE: I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the toll.
GEORGE: Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?
ELAINE: How could this have happened?
DONALD: MOORS
<Kramer and Naomi arrive in bathing suits>
GEORGE: MOOPS
KRAMER: <singing> ... wild funky mountain man ...
DONALD: MOORS N: Oy, my god, the cabin? <The towns people arrive> JERRY: What are you two doin' here? MAN #1: There's the guy that tried to kill the BB. Get him. GEORGE: Go, go, get out, ...
N: Look at that. JERRY: You didn't <makes motion like lighting a cigar>
<our heroes run for it> <Jerry's car, sirens blasting>
KRAMER: <runs to burning cabin> My Cubans!
JERRY: Fire engines?
THE END
<George's car> GEORGE: Must be a big one.
Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Warren Frost (as Mr. Ross), Lisa Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Malkiewicz (as Sandra), and Grace Zabriskie (as Mrs. Ross).
[Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags) JERRY: She hasn't told her father yet? GEORGE: No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
The Cheever Letters Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
JERRY: "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"? GEORGE: Susan wants me to be there. JERRY: You're meetin' the father for the first time? GEORGE: (Reluctantly) Yeah. JERRY: (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down. GEORGE: I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!
Written by: Larry David, Elaine Pope, and Tom Leopold Directed by: Tom Cherones
JERRY: (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it: Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars..
Broadcasted: October 28, 1992 for the first time.
GEORGE: Yeah, I know what happened.
JERRY: No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer..
start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I,
GEORGE: (Getting frustrated) I know.
Scene A.
JERRY: (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical..
GEORGE: (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there?
GEORGE: Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind.
JERRY: (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A. GEORGE: (Offering) Drink?
JERRY: (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day.
JERRY: No, no thank you.
GEORGE: (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn
GEORGE: (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go.
a cabin down..
(A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes)
JERRY: (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin. GEORGE: We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that. JERRY: (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could. GEORGE: (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics? JERRY: What, you got a problem with the pen now? GEORGE: Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth. JERRY: Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to
JERRY: Act I, Scene A..
GEORGE: Weren't you supposed to call Elaine? JERRY: (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to
Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not
ELAINE: Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long? SANDRA: Why? Did Jerry say something?
even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So
ELAINE: No, no. SANDRA: He must have said something.
we're on for later?
ELAINE: Oh, no, he didn't say anything.
(Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around in her free hand)
SANDRA: (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly)
ELAINE: Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up)
ELAINE: (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a
Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?
stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!
(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment) JERRY: Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work)
(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping. Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up)
GEORGE: Alright, here we go. You got it?
GEORGE: Alright, let's go.
JERRY: Yeah.
JERRY: Here we go.
GEORGE: Here we go.
(Both get situated to write as Kramer enters)
JERRY: Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, you come in. GEORGE: (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. Now, what do I say? (A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra)
KRAMER: Hey. GEORGE: yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work.. JERRY: Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you?
KRAMER: (Complaining) No more golf.
GEORGE: (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off.
JERRY: Why? JERRY: What?! KRAMER: Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple
GEORGE: Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time.
of those Cuban cigars? JERRY: Yeah. KRAMER: (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for
JERRY: (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script? GEORGE: I think we got a bite on it. (Exits) (Scene ends) [Setting: The Ross' house]
more, huh? GEORGE: What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin!
(Susan, her parents, and George are all dining) MRS. ROSS: (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister, Sarah?
KRAMER: Why? What's one thing got to do with another?
MR. ROSS: (Gruff) A slight resemblance.
GEORGE: Kramer, please.
(George laughs slightly)
KRAMER: Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it,
MRS. ROSS: (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know.
they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with!
GEORGE: Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean.. (Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off)
GEORGE: Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them some place else. KRAMER: (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves)
MR. ROSS: How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you?
GEORGE: Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah. MR. ROSS: You know those cigars are made special for Castro?
[Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone)
GEORGE: (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George both laugh)
JERRY: Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this
MR. ROSS: What?
woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!
SUSAN: (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy.
ELAINE: (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her?
MR. ROSS: I didn't care much for his jokes.
JERRY: (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this?
SUSAN: (To George) Daddy never laughs. GEORGE: Oh, well, so what? Laughter what is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What is that? "Ha, ha!"? MR. ROSS: You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere. MRS. ROSS: You and your cigars.. MR. ROSS: (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick. SUSAN: Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk to you about.. MR. ROSS: Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin? GEORGE: (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat) (Scene ends)
ELAINE: (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you. JERRY: (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been a terrible misunderstanding: See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was a real treat talking to you on the phone, and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on
the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.
reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's often been a.. sanctuary for me. GEORGE: (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude. MR. ROSS: What? GEORGE: S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all.. MR. ROSS: When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan)
(Scene ends) [Setting: The Ross' house] (Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be discussed)
MRS. ROSS: (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day. SUSAN: Daddy.. MR. ROSS: Yes?
GEORGE: The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan?
SUSAN: Daddy, about the cabin..
SUSAN: Uhh.. about the cabin..
MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs again)
MR. ROSS: (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would
MR. ROSS: (To Susan) What about it? SUSAN: Well, the thing is..
be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. His last words to me were, (Mrs.
MR. ROSS: What? What is it?
Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care
GEORGE: (Extremely blunt) Burned.
SUSAN: Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George?
MR. ROSS: Burned? SUSAN: There was a fire, and it uh..
of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." (Smiling,
GEORGE: Burned.
MR. ROSS: (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin burned?
SANDRA: (Offended) I can't believe you said that! JERRY: What?!
GEORGE: (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo.. MRS. ROSS: (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her) MR. ROSS: Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! Did they find anything?
SANDRA: (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like that to me?! JERRY: What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up! SANDRA: That was a weird thing to say.
SUSAN: (Solemn) No. Nothing. MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.
JERRY: Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed. SANDRA: Ohh, I think you're really sick.
(Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward the room's exit as everyone continues to talk) GEORGE: Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say he hit the bullseye. George calls out
JERRY: (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me. SANDRA: I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path) JERRY: I really think you're making too much of this. SANDRA: (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move to the door)
to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.
JERRY: Let me walk you to a cab.
(Scene ends)
SANDRA: (Opens the door) That's ok.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
JERRY: I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it.
(Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket. Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt)
SANDRA: Oh, really? (Quickly walks out) JERRY: (Calling after her) I mean, people they're not interested in things like this.
They don't want to hear about it. They really don't.
(Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts
(Scene ends)
with the dirty talking.
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
GEORGE: (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say?
(Jerry's telling George about last night) JERRY: So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg. GEORGE: Wo-hoah! What did you do? JERRY: (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg? GEORGE: Yeah, right. JERRY: I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would you mind?!" GEORGE: Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that? JERRY: I don't know, they're working on a whole other level..
JERRY: (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual.. GEORGE: No, I don't know. How do I know the usual? JERRY: Typical things. GEORGE: (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical. JERRY: She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen. George reacts deeply) GEORGE: (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy. JERRY: ..And then she starts talking about her panties.
GEORGE: Alright, so, go ahead.
GEORGE: (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here!
JERRY: So we go back to my apartment..
JERRY: So I said something.
GEORGE: (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!
GEORGE: Ok, what did you say?
JERRY: So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate..
JERRY: (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up.
GEORGE: Of course. JERRY: Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?" GEORGE: (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What
JERRY: I guess he failed to see the humor in it. GEORGE: Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today. JERRY: (Getting up) Alright, big work day. GEORGE: That's right.
does that mean? (Scene ends) JERRY: (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out. GEORGE: Well, how did she react? JERRY: She flipped out! Just left.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down in the living room while giving each other pep talks)
GEORGE: Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
GEORGE: Okay.
JERRY: Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me
GEORGE: Here we are.
JERRY: Let's go.
JERRY: Right now. GEORGE: Let's do it.
hear the end of it. JERRY: You and me. GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something? JERRY: She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh? GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.
GEORGE: Okay. JERRY: Alright. GEORGE: What'dya got? JERRY: (Reading from his notebook) I got: You enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here.. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Oh, hey. KRAMER: Uh, habla ingles? (Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting - talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come back. (Turns to leave. Jerry and George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s) No, you guys should get back to work. (More protests)
SECRETARY: Si. KRAMER: Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to talk to someone. SECRETARY: What is this about?
GEORGE: Don't be silly. JERRY: Come in, we're taking a break. KRAMER: (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?
KRAMER: Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent. SECRETARY: Are you an American? KRAMER: Oh, yeah.
JERRY: Yeah! KRAMER: Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some more cigars?
SECRETARY: I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone) KRAMER: Okay.
GEORGE: (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that. KRAMER: (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite "No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George)
(Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid out on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking them up. George rolls off the couch and falls to the floor)
(Scene ends) [Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]
JERRY: (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through
(Kramer walks up to a secretary) intercom) Yeah? KRAMER: Buenos dias. ELAINE: It's Elaine. SECRETARY: Buenos dias.
JERRY: C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine)
ELAINE: Really? JERRY: Yes.
GEORGE: (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while..
ELAINE: Really? You really think I should fire her?
JERRY: (Agreeing) Yeah, we should.
JERRY: Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself.
GEORGE: Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me? JERRY: Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them? GEORGE: No, no, no, no. JERRY: Oh.
(George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep) (Scene ends) [Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building] (A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with Kramer)
(Elaine enters) MAN: (To secretary) Expira te afuera. ELAINE: Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld! JERRY: What? ELAINE: I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work.
KRAMER: (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias. MAN: What is your name, Senor? KRAMER: Uh, Kramer.
JERRY: Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it.
MAN: So, Senor Kramer, what is this about? KRAMER: (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.
ELAINE: Why? What happened? Did you talk? JERRY: Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to.
MAN: (Confused) Cigars? KRAMER: (Definite) Cigars. MAN: What about cigars? KRAMER: Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) I saved one of the cigar rings..
MAN: Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket) You mean - one of these.. KRAMER: (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah? MAN: (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course, these are illegal in your country. KRAMER: Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh? (The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket) MAN: I like that jacket.. (Scene ends)
SUSAN: Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading the paper) This is my brother, Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend. GEORGE: Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's your major? RICKY: (Blunt) I don't have one. GEORGE: Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks critically back at George) SUSAN: (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this is my Aunt, Sara. SARA: (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me.
[Setting: The Ross' apartment] (There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and George)
MRS. ROSS: Sara, what do you have on your wheels? SARA: Nothing, they're clean.
SUSAN: Hi! GEORGE: Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)
MRS. ROSS: Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?
SUSAN: Hey, Jerry.
RICKY: (Annoyed) Yes.
JERRY: Hi. SUSAN: I thought you two guys were working today.
MRS. ROSS: (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When you come in the house you
JERRY: Ah, just - takin' a little break.
wipe your wheels.
GEORGE: (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands them to her)
(Doorbell rings)
SUSAN: Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond.
GEORGE: We really should be, uh, heading out..
RAYMOND: Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire.
JERRY: Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.
SUSAN: (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. (Opens the charred box)
(Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)
GEORGE: You know, the time..
Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.
MR. ROSS: The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme that! (Now holding them
GEORGE: Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters)
against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!
SUSAN: From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever.
MRS. ROSS: (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!
JERRY AND GEORGE: Oh, wow.
SARA: (Yelling out) I knew it!
SUSAN: (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's
MRS. ROSS: I want to know who John is!
attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love
MR. ROSS: (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand.. (Slowly
you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)
walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George a signal that they should go)
RICKEY: John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!
(A long pause) GEORGE: Well, we really should beGEORGE: Well, we.. we, we, ah.. JERRY: Yeah. JERRY: (Looking at his watch ) Yeah..
GEORGE: Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions.
JERRY: (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi", and I say "Hello".
JERRY: Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time.
GEORGE: Alright, so, we need something..
GEORGE: yeah, time is what he's indicating there..
JERRY: Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's it goin'?"
JERRY: (Waving good bye) We'll see ya.
GEORGE: "How's it going?" - beautiful.
GEORGE: Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward.
(They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds) Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now..
(Jerry grabs George, leaving) (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living room, attempting to write)
JERRY: (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line? GEORGE: (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?" JERRY: Did you write it down? GEORGE: I'm writin' it. "How's it going?"
GEORGE: Alright, here we go. JERRY: Alright, let's go.
JERRY: Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine)
GEORGE: Come on now.
ELAINE: Real good!
JERRY: Right now.
JERRY: What?!
GEORGE: Here we go.
ELAINE: Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars!
JERRY: You and me. JERRY: What?! How? GEORGE: You got it. JERRY: No foolin' GEORGE: Ok, so, what'dya got?
ELAINE: I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe! JERRY: What calls?!
ELAINE: Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman! JERRY: Oh, did - did she say anything else to you? ELAINE: (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean "anything else"? JERRY: So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything?
KRAMER: Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto. JERRY: Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you. KRAMER: Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links. JERRY: Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your..
ELAINE: Yeah! JERRY: (Smiling to himself) Beautiful.
KRAMER: (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos!
ELAINE: Why is that beautiful? (They exit) JERRY: Oh, no, not beautiful. ELAINE: It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars! JERRY: Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that. ELAINE: No, no. JERRY: (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all myELAINE: (Giving up too easy) Okay. JERRY: (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke? (Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed up in golf wear, smoking cigars)
ELAINE: (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are you reading? GEORGE: Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's really excellent. ELAINE: (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff? JERRY: Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here. ELAINE: (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone. JERRY: (Moving back into the living room) Okay.
ELAINE: (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places)
Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
[Transcribed by William Fifield]
First aired November 4, 1992 Writer Larry Charles Director Tom Cherones END OF SHOW.
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld Elaine Benes Julie Louis Dreyfus George Costanza Jason Alexander Cosmo Kramer Michael Richards Joe Divola Peter Crombie Susan Ross Heidi Swedberg Man #1 Tom Celli Man #2 Jason Wingreen Man #3 Glen Chin ("Harry Fong") Mr Reichman Ross Evans Mrs Reichman Harriet S. Miller Usher Bill Saluga
COMEDY CLUB
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
The Opera Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays?
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. Thats why the wedding vow isn't 'do you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.
INSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT
BUZZER
Jerry: (answering machine) leave a message and Ill call you back, thanks. JOE DIVOLA: Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now Im gonna put the kibosh on you. You know Ive kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again.
KRAMER: Better get that JERRY: Yeah? ELAINE: (intercom) its me! JERRY: Come on up. KRAMER: So, huh? JERRY: I don't know KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you. JERRY: Well its very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard they're impossible to get. KRAMER: Oh, well I have many associates. JERRY: I don't know, opera, its not my kind of thing. KRAMER: All right, you not gonna go Im not gonna go, Im gonna call the whole thing off. JERRY: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, thats not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for? KRAMER: You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana! JERRY: Well I guess if Im the Miana I should go. All right, all right.
JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY ENTERS KRAMER ENTERS KRAMER: So, what do you think? JERRY: About what? KRAMER: About the opera. JERRY: Nah, I don't wanna go. KRAMER: You gotta go. JERRY: I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it! KRAMER: Jerry, you don't understand, thats the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian. JERRY: All right, all right. KRAMER: Thats the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. Its the language Jerry, the language JERRY: So why don't they talk like that now? KRAMER: Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were tired.
ELAINE ENTERS ELAINE: Hi! JERRY: Hi! KRAMER: Hey! Hi Elaine! ELAINE: You got the tickets right? KRAMER: Well no, I don't have them on me. ELAINE: What? Thats why I came all the way over here. KRAMER: My friends got 'em, Im going to pick them up tomorrow.
ELAINE: Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one right? KRAMER: Oh yeah! JERRY: So I finally get to meet your pal Joey. ELAINE: Its killing you isnt it? JERRY: Yeah, so Joeys a great lover of the opera ELAINE: Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody whos interested in something other than nick at night. Now hes got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted. JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT Opera music playing (Paliachi?) Divola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are scattered on the floor. JERRY'S APARTMENT JERRY: Well Im looking forward to meeting him. ELAINE: I've got to go JERRY: Where are you going, whats the rush? ELAINE: I'm going to surprise Joey, Ive never been to his apartment so Im just going to 'pop in' JERRY: Oh, good, men love that! Kramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp. JERRY: Hey! KRAMER: You've got a message buddy. JERRY: Ooo, could be from that blonde KRAMER: Oo yiggity diggigg JOE DIVOLA:(answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on my tongue'
JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT DIVOLA HAS HIS HAND OVER A CANDLE AND IS LAUGHING JERRY'S APARTMENT JERRY: (shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind.... KRAMER: Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself, JERRY: What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!? KRAMER: OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think! JERRY: I'm gonna call the cops. Thats what Im doing, Im calling the cops. KRAMER: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? Theyre not going to do anything! JERRY: What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh! KRAMER: Yiddigtkk ka kibosh. JERRY: I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC. KRAMER: Call him and tell him JERRY: Thats what Ill do, Ill just call him and tell him, Ill tell him. Thats all Ill do. He's a human being, Ill talk to him. He'll understand. Right? KRAMER: Right.... Don't mention my name
JERRY: Oh, I got the machine. KRAMER: Whats his message like? JERRY: Nice! KRAMER: Eh! JERRY: (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think theres been a huge colossal misunderstanding, KRAMER: Big! Big! JERRY: and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye. JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT The door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters. ELAINE: Joey? Joey? She sees a wall covered in photos of her. Joe Divola enters and shuts the front door. ELAINE: Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me! JOE DIVOLA: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion. ELAINE: You left your door open. JOE DIVOLA: I know, I like to encourage intruders. ELAINE: (laughs) Whats all this? JOE DIVOLA: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you. ELAINE: Where did you get all these pictures? JOE DIVOLA: I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering. ELAINE: Showering? JOE DIVOLA: I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see? ELAINE: In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day
person!... Are you all right? JOE DIVOLA: Why ELAINE: Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself? JOE DIVOLA: Who am I? W ho am I supposed to be? ELAINE: Thats a good question, good question, its very... exerstential! Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well. JOE DIVOLA: What are you doing here? ELAINE: Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze. JOE DIVOLA: Were you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from that friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it. ELAINE: Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going. JOE DIVOLA: Really? ELAINE: Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so Im just gonna get the uh.. Divola is blocking the door with his head. JOE DIVOLA: You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda? ELAINE: Uh.. Im Elaine! JOE DIVOLA: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him. ELAINE: Oh. JOE DIVOLA: Do you think Im a clown, Nedda? ELAINE: Do I think you're a clown? No, not if its bad to be a clown, if its bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing. JOE DIVOLA: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he.
I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name. ELAINE: Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, Im gonna... get out of here. Divola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave. JOE DIVOLA: Pagliacci kills his wife. ELAINE: Se, now thats terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I dont know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown JOE DIVOLA: You're not leaving Elaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine leaves. JERRY'S APARTMENT. Jerry:(on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, thats not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd investigate. So whats the difference, Im a comedian of the United States, and Ill tell you Im under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye. Knock at door. JERRY: (cautiously) Who is it? GEORGE: It's George.
GEORGE: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding. JERRY: Ooo, that was a bad toast. GEORGE: It wasn't that bad. JERRY: I never heard anybody curse in a toast. GEORGE: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit. JERRY: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts. GEORGE: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not going tonight you know. JERRY: What do you mean not going? why not? GEORGE: I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket. JERRY: Why doesn't she pay for hers? GEORGE: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. Thats all Im asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for? JERRY: It's nice to get a reach. Loud thump is heard from the front door.
George enters wearing a very small tuxedo. GEORGE: What, are you locking the door now? JERRY: Well, well, look at you. Its a little skimpy there isn't it?
JERRY: Who is it? KRAMER: It's me! Kramer is on the floor
KRAMER: What, are you locking the door now? JERRY: Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed? KRAMER: I am dressed. JERRY: You're going like this? KRAMER: Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something. JERRY: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera! KRAMER: People do, I don't. JERRY: Well what about me! If you're going like that, Im not going like this. GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think Im comfortable here. I can't change, Ive got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I cant go like this alone! JERRY: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours? GEORGE: Thats not the issue, we're friends, if Ive got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too! JERRY: All right, all right, Ill wear this. It's bad enough Ive got to go to the opera Ive got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.
KRAMER: Thats fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five hundred a ticket. GEORGE: What? Really? KRAMER: Yeah. GEORGE: People are looking for tickets here? KRAMER: What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha, we're gonna clean up! GEORGE: Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera. JERRY: Oh yeah right. KRAMER: OK come on, lets go get the tickets. GEORGE: All right, all right. JERRY: All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre. GEORGE: Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal? KRAMER: Oh yeah!
Kramer is playing opera music
OUTSIDE THE THEATRE.
JERRY: Would you turn that down! What is that crap! KRAMER: It's Pagliacci! JERRY: Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two extra tickets. KRAMER: Why? What happened? JERRY: Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend isn't going either.
Jerry and Elaine are waiting.
Kramer and George leave. INSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT Opera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown make up. END OF ACT 1
JERRY: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca? ELAINE: Cherry Binaca, its new. JERRY: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!
ELAINE: It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person. JERRY: Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable. Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing. JERRY: Hey, hey, what are you doing, thats my quarter. MAN#!: No it's not, it's mine. JERRY: I was just flipping it, it's mine. MAN#!: No, I dropped it, it's mine. JERRY: All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours. MAN#!: Well it is mine. JERRY: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, thats how much I care about money. Jerry tears up the dollar. MAN#!: You think I care about money, thats how much I care about money, I don't care about money. JERRY: Oh yeah, well why dont you Just get lost. MAN#!: Why don't you get lost. JERRY: Because I was standing here, thats why. MAN#!: Oh Yeah? JERRY: Yeah! The man walks away. JERRY: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a
problem? IN THE PARK Joe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the park. PARK GUY#1: Hey clown! PARK GUY#2: hey clown! PARK GUY#1: Make us laugh, clown! PARK GUY#2: Nice face, clown! PARK GUY#2: Make me laugh, clown! Divola kicks them all to the ground. ALLEYWAY Kramer and George are trying to sell the tickets. KRAMER: I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all right. MAN#2: Hey, hey. Are you selling. KRAMER: Oh yeah, Im selling. MAN#2: Where are they? KRAMER: Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven. MAN#2: What do you want for them. KRAMER: All right, Ill tell you what Ill do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the duce. MAN#2: I'll give you five hundred for the pair. GEORGE: Ok, it's a deal! KRAMER: Pzzzt. No. GEORGE: No? Are you crazy? KRAMER: Look, let me handle this. GEORGE: Five hundred dollars, thats a great deal!
KRAMER: You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon. The man walks away GEORGE: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit. KRAMER: Look, I know what Im doing here George. GEORGE: This is not a Metallica concert, its an opera alright, a little dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it. KRAMER: Oh, yeah. GEORGE: Thank you very much. You just stand over there, Ill stand over here. KRAMER: I know where Im standing. GEORGE: Alright. KRAMER: Hey! GEORGE: (shouting) Get your Paliachi! OUTSIDE THEATRE JERRY: Where are they already? ELAINE: I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets. JERRY: Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteens father-in-law, Mr Reichman. George and I were just talking about that today, I cant believe it! Thats the guy who threw George out of the wedding. ELAINE: Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast! JERRY: Do you remember the curse toast? ELAINE: Oh yeah, the curse toast. JERRY: So, can you believe that message? Now Ive got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. ELAINE: Me too JERRY: Crazy Joe Divola
ELAINE: How do you know his name? JERRY: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name? ELAINE: I never told you his name. JERRY: I never told you his name. ELAINE: Wait a second, who are we talking about here? JERRY: Joe Divola. ELAINE: Right, Joe Divola JERRY: How do you know his name? ELAINE: I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name. They click JERRY: Oh my god, its Joe Divola ELAINE: Is he stalking you? are you kidding me? JERRY: That madman is trying to kill me. ELAINE: Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!! JERRY: Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you! He'll think Im the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me! ELAINE: Oooohh, what about me! Divola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit. JOE DIVOLA: Excuse me ELAINE&JERRY: Aaahhhhh!! ALLEYWAY George still hasn't sold the ticket. GEORGE: But this is Pavarotti! MAN#3: Three hundred dollars, thats a lot of money.
Mr & Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley MR REICHMAN: You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it. GEORGE: All right, Ill tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, lets stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, Ive got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here. MR REICHMAN: Scalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse me. GEORGE: Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking. MR REICHMAN: Costanza!? GEORGE: Mr Reichman? MR REICHMAN: You've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets. MRS REICHMAN: Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair transplant! OUTSIDE THE THEATRE JOE DIVOLA: Anything is welcome, I accept change. JERRY: I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy. JOE DIVOLA: You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person. JERRY: I'm telling you, the guy took..... JOE DIVOLA: And I don't need people like you looking down their noses at me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by. Mrs Reichman runs past
MRS REICHMAN: Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere! JOE DIVOLA: What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it? ELAINE: I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out. JOE DIVOLA: You people make me sick. JERRY: That is one angry clown! COMEDY CLUB JERRY: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!" END OF ACT 2 JERRY: (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights This is it, we'll hit the heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it! ELAINE: You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes from bugs bunny cartoons. JERRY: Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look Im serious, Im not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it.
JOE DIVOLA: I don't want any money. ELAINE: I smell cherry. JOE DIVOLA: It's Binaca. JERRY: Binaca?
a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.
They see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking to Crazy Joe. They run away.
JERRY: Come on, you gotta let us in USHER: Not without tickets. JERRY: We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us. USHER: Well thats a problem. Excuse me. JERRY: You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to kill us. USHER: A crazy clown is after you? Oh thats rich. Now clear the entrance so people with tickets can get through.
ALLEYWAY George is finalizing the deal. GEORGE: What did we say? Two seventyfive? MAN#3: Two fifty. GEORGE: Two fifty? Are you sure MAN#3: Yeah, yeah, Im sure. GEORGE: All right, all right, two fifty. SUSAN: George! GEORGE: S-Susan SUSAN: I can't believe it, Im so glad I caught you. GEORGE: What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport. SUSAN: Oh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in Philadelphia. GEORGE: So what, they dont have another plane? She couldn't take a bus? SUSAN: She's coming in tomorrow. I made it! GEORGE: Yeah you made it, how about that. SUSAN: Oh, Im so excited, now we get to see the opera together. George gives the man the ticket and takes the money. GEORGE: We get to go to the opera together! SUSAN: Who's that? GEORGE: Thats-thats-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's
ENTRANCE TO THEATER.
Kramer slides in. JERRY&ELAINE: We're with him, we're with him. KRAMER: Are you guys ready? JERRY&ELAINE: Yeah, Yeah!! KRAMER: Have you seen George? JERRY: We thought he was with you. ELAINE: Come on, he's on his own, come on! SITTING IN THE THEATER KRAMER: These are great seats huh? ELAINE: Yeah KRAMER: Yeah JERRY: Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone. ELAINE: Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing? JERRY: She's playing, Pagliaccis wife, Nedda. ELAINE: Nedda? JERRY: Yeah. ELAINE: Oh my god.. Man #3 enters and shuffles to his seat.
MAN#3: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Susan comes in from the other side. JERRY: Susan! What are you doing here? SUSAN: My Friend's flight couldnt make it. JERRY: Where's George? MAN#3: I got his ticket. SUSAN: He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable. JERRY: Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket? MAN#3: One seventy-five. JERRY: Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to? KRAMER: Some nut in a clown suit! The show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look very frightened. COMEDY CLUB JERRY: I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em. These opera kids they're going twofifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe thats more you're thing. END OF ACT 3 Transcribed by William Fifield
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
The Virgin Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Episode 50 Script by Ethan Brown % Jerry and George talking near a bar. Jerry: We're dead. George: We're not dead.
Jerry: We are dead. Jerry: Yeah. George: Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story. Jerry: All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything.
George: Yeah. So what happened? Jerry: So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for? (Across the room) Hi, Marla.
George: So we'll do it tomorrow. Jerry: Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing?
Marla: (Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry. Jerry: George, Marla.
George: About six years ago. George: Marla. Jerry: I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now.
Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
George: Women like skiers.
Jerry: Stacey.
Jerry: So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan.
Stacey: Jerry. Jerry: George, Stacey.
George: Yeah. Right. George: Stacey. Jerry: Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business.
Stacey: George. Jerry: George.
George: The closet business? What's the closet business?
George: Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue) Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey)
Jerry: What is it your business? Marla: So, how was your trip to Berlin? George: I'm interested. Jerry: Trip to Berlin? Jerry: She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet. George: So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her.
Marla: Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while. Jerry: Oh, right, right.
Marla: The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration. Jerry: Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, "Why knock my brains out?"
Jerry: What about Susan? George: What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else? Jerry: Depends.
Marla: You, know my boyfriend went.
George: Depends on what?
Jerry: Really?
Jerry: On many factors.
Marla: Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go.
George: Like what?
Jerry: Oh, did he like it? Marla: I don't know. He never came back. (Over to the other side of the bar) George: Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. They gotta approve of the story before we can write.
Jerry: Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily? George: No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week. Jerry: What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied? George: Implied.
Stacey: Wow, what a great job. A writer.
Jerry: She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
George: Not a bad way to make a buck.
George: There might be some moisturizer.
Stacey: Sounds great.
Jerry: Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any tampax in your house?
George: Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket while Stacey looks away)
George: (Pause) Yeah. Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what you've got here.
% Jerry and George at Monk's
George: What?
Jerry: So, are you gonna go out with her?
Jerry: You got yourself a girlfriend.
George: I might.
George: Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend? Jerry: I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but... George: Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends. Jerry: You're going to make a good father someday. George: Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing. Jerry: Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means?
Jerry: you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony? George: Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal. Jerry: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. George: Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman. Jerry: This is your plan? George: No, no. I'm just thinking.
George: No, what? Jerry: I don't think you are. Jerry: The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over.
% Jerry with Marla, who is measuring his closet space.
George: Why? What do you mean? Marla: Let me tell you what I think. Jerry: Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up?
Jerry: Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity. Marla: Are you very fussy about your pants? Jerry: I don't think I am.
George: Oh, right. Oh no, man.
Marla: Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it?
Kramer: Well, wow.
Jerry: Try me.
Jerry: Marla, Kramer.
Marla: Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Everything? Marla: Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here. Jerry: You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes into other room) Hey? Kramer: Hey. Jerry: What are you doing? Kramer: I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.
Jerry: Why don't you go out? It's nice out. Kramer: Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me. Jerry: There's weather. Kramer: Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me. Jerry: I'm tellin' George to give you your TV back. Kramer: No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight? Jerry: I don't know. Kramer: Will you tape it?
Jerry: No. Jerry: Kramer... (points to Marla) Kramer: What? Kramer: Yeah. (He exits) Jerry: This is not a good time. Kramer: Five minutes. What? Jerry: What did you have to give your TV away to George for? Kramer: Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells. Jerry: Yeah, but now you're in here all the time. (Marla enters from other room)
Jerry: So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin. Marla: Never came back. Jerry: Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall. Marla: It was about to end anyway. There was this... problem.
Jerry: Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah?
Elaine: I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept forgetting.
Elaine: It's me. Marla: I should be going. Jerry: Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just a friend of mine. I don't know what she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. What?
Elaine: No, no, I'm leaving. Jerry: I like that thing in your hair there.
Elaine: I didn't get it. Jerry: Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem. Marla: Well, he wanted me to move in with him. Jerry: Snapple? Marla: No thanks. Jerry: Go on. Marla: Well I wouldn't move in because... Jerry: Yes. Marla: Well because...
Elaine: Oh yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple? Marla: No thanks. Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh.
Jerry: Yeah. Marla: Well because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters)
Marla: I should be going.
Elaine: Hello!
Jerry: So we'll talk about the hooks then?
Jerry: Hi, um. Marla, Elaine.
Marla: Yes. (She exits)
Elaine: I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape.
Elaine: What? Was it something I said? Jerry: She's a virgin, she just told me.
Jerry: Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me thirty-five dollars to see Havana.
Elaine: Well I didn't know.
Jerry: Well it's not like spotting a toupee. Elaine: Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin? Jerry: No, no, I mean... Elaine: 'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be right back. (She leaves)
stomach. Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order it? Jerry: All right, but then we gotta get some work done. Let me just call Kramer, see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we ordering Chinese food. If you want anything-(Kramer enters quickly) let me know what it is and I'll order for you. Kramer: I'm in. Let's go for it.
Jerry: Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah? George: What do you want? George: It's George. Kramer: I don't care, whatever. % Cut to George looking out Jerry's apartment at Marla. George: She's a virgin?
George: I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em.
Jerry: A virgin.
Kramer: Okay. What are you getting?
George: Wow. So what're you gonna do?
George: I'm gonna get a Chow Fung.
Jerry: I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy.
Kramer: What's a Chow Fung? George: It's a broad noodle.
George: I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.
Kramer: What do you mean, a broad noodle? George: It's a big flat noodle.
Jerry: You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you.
Kramer: Well I don't want a big flat noodle. George: What kind of noodle do you want?
George: You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm really hungry.
Kramer: Who says I want a noodle?
Jerry: Yeah, me too.
George: All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any.
George: We gotta get something. I don't want to go to that meeting on an empty
Kramer: All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods.
George: Fine. Kramer: Get extra MSG.
George: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?
% Elaine and Marla at Monk's Cafe.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
George: My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler. Jerry: Your butler? George: Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program.
Marla: So they just leave? Jerry: What about me? Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly. Marla: Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that.
George: Don't worry, we'll find something for you. (Knock of Jerry's door) Jerry: (Getting the door) That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened? Elaine: There was a bit of an accident.
Elaine: Eh. Ping: Head hurts. Head really hurts. % Jerry's place, George and Jerry are sitting. Jerry: What happened? Jerry: All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting. George: Where's the food? What happened to Ping? Jerry: Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story so we can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) There's your food.
Elaine: Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying. George: Something happened to the food? Ping: I only saved one bag.
Jerry: Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna see a doctor?
George: (To Jerry) We got work to do. What about the meeting?
Marla: I'll get some ice.
Kramer: (To himself) Hey, look. An hour with Patrick Swayze.
George: (After looking in the bag) The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer enters) Kramer: Hey, you got the food? Jerry: Yeah, here. Kramer: What took you so long? Hey, Ping! Ping: Kramer. (Kramer and George sit on the couch) Kramer: Yeah. Where's yours? George: He dropped it.
% George and Jerry in the NBC lobby. Jerry: A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I gotta reputation. You drag me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that (Snaps in George's face) , like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business!
Kramer: Oh, that's too bad. Elaine: You should slow down, you know that? It's dangerous to go that fast. Ping: No, no. I have green light. You jaywalked.
George: All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here. Jerry: What do you mean? They know we're here.
Kramer: (To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah?
George: I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) My back! My back! I can't believe, my back.
Elaine: (To Ping) I did not jaywalk.
Jerry: No, no, would you get up?
Jerry: (To George) You're givin' him back that TV.
George: I can do this, Jerry. Jerry: No.
Ping: (To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked. Kramer: (To Jerry) No, I don't want it back. Ping: (To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap suit on you.
George: All right, I'll tell them my sister died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they SHOT her! That's the kind of sick city that we're livin' in. They
shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family.
Rita: Well, I think we should get started anyway. Jerry: Yeah, good idea.
Jerry: What? Rita: So how are you guys comin' along? George: That's David Letterman. I just saw David Letterman walk by. I'll be right back. (He exits)
Jerry: Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas. Rita: Good. (Pause)
% Woman enters.
Jerry: Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you all here. Hello.
Jerry: Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table. (They don't seem to like it) Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back?
Rita: Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson.
Rita: So that's the idea?
Jerry: Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell?
Rita: Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him.
Jerry: Well no, that's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know? I'm walkin' around with one of those big neck collars.
Man #2: Where's George?
Man #2: Those collars are funny!
Jerry: Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman.
Man #1: Once you see someone in those collars you start laughing immediately. (George enters)
Woman: Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you. (She exits) Jerry: Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. (Jerry enters meeting) Man #1: Hey, Jerry.
Rita: He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem on the set of Blossom. Jerry: Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits)
Susan: David Letterman's on the floor? Jerry: Yeah, he just walked by.
George: You tellin' 'em about the butler story? Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell?
Rita: I'm Rita Kearson. George: Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're you doing, good to see you. Jay, always a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses her and then sits down next to Jerry) Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside to Jerry) I thought I was getting the butler. Jerry: Don't worry, uh, we'll find something for you. % Jerry and George enter Jerry's place to see Kramer watching (and playing) Jeopardy. Jerry: So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh? George: No, he said there was nothing he could do, and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half. Kramer: You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm watchin' Jeopardy.
George: Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's going on? Susan: What's going on? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'm fired! George: Fired? Why? Susan: Because you kissed me. You kissed me, you stupid idiot! Rita called Russell and he fired me over the phone. Kramer: (To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee up again. George: But I had no... I didn't realize. Susan: You didn't realize? How could you not realize? You're stupid! You're a stupid, stupid man! George: I just feel terrible This is just terrible. Kramer: (To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha? Ooh, yes indeed. Susan: I'll speak to you later.
Jerry: Would you give him the TV back? Kramer: Oh, by the way, George. Susan called for you a minute ago. George: I bet they're probably doing summersaults about us over there. You think they get butler stories like that everyday? (He calls Susan) Kramer: (To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee up! Susan: Hello?
George: (Hangs up phone and pauses) this is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out! Jerry: Why did he fire her? George: Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off! Kramer: What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge!
Jerry: You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her.
structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape. Marla: Maybe I should get going.
George: What? % Jerry and Elaine at a bar. Jerry: You gotta at least wait until she gets another job. George: Another job?
Jerry: What else did you say to her? Elaine: Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight dope.
Jerry: Couple of interviews. George: Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in. % Jerry and Marla are making out in his closet. Marla: Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex. Jerry: What? Leave? Where? Why? Marla: You know, the apartment. Jerry: Why would I leave? This is my apartment. Marla: Well what if it was my apartment? Jerry: Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave? Marla: Well Elaine said men like to leave after it's over. Jerry: Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole
Jerry: More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent. Elaine: Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me. Jerry: What is that about leaving after sex? Did I ever leave with you? Elaine: You might've if I'd stayed. So you know what? I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness. You better be nice to her. Jerry: I was trying to be. Elaine: Look at George. (On the other side of the restaurant) He lucked out, huh? Jerry: Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going. Elaine: Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. % Cut over to George and a woman.
George: What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now. Woman: A sitcom? How can you write that crap? Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom.
The Contest Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Carol: A sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave) Woman: A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually tried to use it to hit on me! End. ==================================== ========================= <Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: November 18, 1992 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Estelle Harris (as Mrs. Costanza), and Jane Leeves (as Marla).
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop] (Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating lunch) JERRY: (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question. ELAINE: Mm-hm. JERRY: You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
ELAINE: (Smiling, chewing) Who, me? JERRY: You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor,
you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry? ELAINE: (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention. KRAMER: (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off!
GEORGE: (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it.. JERRY: "Glamour"?
(Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George slowly enters. He's in a melancholy state)
(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly) GEORGE: ..So, one thing lead to another..
KRAMER: Hey, Georgie. JERRY: So, what did she do? JERRY AND ELAINE: Hi. (George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer)
GEORGE: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
JERRY: (To George) What's the matter? GEORGE: (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me. JERRY: "Caught" you? Doing what? GEORGE: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone..
KRMAER: (Reflecting on the story so far) Man.. GEORGE: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up. JERRY: What did you do? GEORGE: I zipped up!
ELAINE: (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?! GEORGE: (Nods) Uh-huh. KRAMER: (Laughing) She caught you?
ELAINE: (Wide-eyed) So, she fell? GEORGE: Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
(Elaine laughs with Kramer) ELAINE: No, I guess you couldn't have.. JERRY: Where?
JERRY: (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so.
ELAINE: Oh, gimme a break..
ELAINE: (Finishing it off) ..done that.
JERRY: (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.
GEORGE: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.
KRAMER: Oh, like you're gonna stop?
ELAINE: (Between chuckles) How is she?
GEORGE: You don't think I can?
GEORGE: (Somewhat angered) She's in traction.
JERRY: No chance.
JERRY AND ELAINE: C'mon..
GEORGE: (Daring) You think you could? ELAINE: (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry. GEORGE: It's not funny, Elaine. ELAINE: (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.
JERRY: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you. GEORGE: Care to make it interesting? JERRY: Sure, how much?
GEORGE: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"
GEORGE: A hundred dollars. JERRY: (Pointing) You're on.
(Kramer laughs, sipping his drink)
KRAMER: (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)
JERRY: "Glamour"?
JERRY: You?
(Elaine laughs)
KRAMER: Yeah.
GEORGE: (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again.
JERRY: You'll be out before we get the check.
ELAINE: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?
ELAINE: (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.
GEORGE: (Definite) All together.
GEORGE AND JERRY: (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..
(The next three lines are said at the exact same time)
ELAINE: Why?
JERRY: (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges.. ELAINE: What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?
JERRY: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system. KRAMER: Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table)
JERRY: Because you're a woman! ELAINE: So what?
(Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out "Yeah!")
JERRY: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.
(Scene ends)
ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
JERRY: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving.
(Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is on the phone with his mother)
ELAINE: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs. KRAMER: (Making a point) Not everyday.
GEORGE: (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course
GEORGE: Alright, look, you want to be in? ELAINE: Yeah! GEORGE: You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars. KRAMER: No, a thousand!
I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts)
ELAINE: No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty. GEORGE: Alright, you're in for one-fifty.
JERRY: (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah?
JERRY: (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.
GEORGE: (Defensively) Whatever.
GEORGE: Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?
(Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it) JERRY: How is she?
GEORGE: (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight. JERRY: (Answering to the intercom) Yeah? ELAINE: It's me. JERRY: Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door) GEORGE: Hey, what are you doing tonight? JERRY: (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla.
(All eyes are glued to the woman) GEORGE: (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people.. KRAMER: ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him) JERRY: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room? GEORGE: I would imagine it's all naked.
GEORGE: Oh, the virgin? JERRY: Yeah. GEORGE: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest? JERRY: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
JERRY: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too? GEORGE: (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama. (Elaine enters)
(Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window)
ELAINE: Hey.
KRAMER: Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street.
JERRY AND GEORGE: (Only turning back for a second) Hey.
(George and Jerry quickly join him at the window)
ELAINE: Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved?
JERRY: Where?
JERRY: (Over his shoulder) Not me.
KRAMER: Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left?
GEORGE: (Also, over his shoulder) Not me. ELAINE: What're you looking at?
GEORGE: (In awe) Wow! JERRY: (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?!
JERRY: There's a naked woman across the street.
ELAINE: (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics
JERRY: Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door
class. I'm gonna go tonight.
behind him)
JERRY: (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
(Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting)
ELAINE: (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin'
ELAINE: ..And then there were three. (Scene ends) [Setting: Hospital room]
to Mars. JERRY: (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh. GEORGE: Have a good time. (Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen, and slaps a wad of bills onto the counter) KRAMER: (Declaring) I'm out! (Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's mouth is open in shock. A moment passes) ELAINE: What?! KRAMER: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest. GEORGE: You're out?! KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what? ELAINE: Well, that was fast!
(Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair, is visiting her) ELAINE: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park! GEORGE: (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma. ESTELLE: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open. GEORGE: Ma, people can hear you. ESTELLE: (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star!
GEORGE: (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough! ESTELLE: I want you to go see a psychiatrist. GEORGE: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist! ESTELLE: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go? GEORGE: (Like a kid) Because I don't want to. ESTELLE: I want you to go see somebody.
(The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is visibly affected breathing heavily, and staring at them through the curtain) SHELLY: (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing? GEORGE: (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television. (The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off)
GEORGE: Well, I am not going. ESTELLE: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.
NURSE: Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head.. DENISE: Oh.. thank you.
(George's cousin, Shelly, enters) SHELLY: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you how did this happen? GEORGE: (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?! (On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a shapely nurse can be seen entering) NURSE: Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath.
SHELLY: (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized) What is it you're doing, exactly? (A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin) ESTELLE: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you! (Scene ends) [Setting: New York Health Club]
(The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen) DENISE: Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep.
(Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking with her friend, Joyce) JOYCE: So, when was the last time you took a class?
MARLA: Let's slow it down a little. ELAINE: Oh, it's been a while. JERRY: "Slow it down"? JOYCE: (Overly excited) Are you psyched? ELAINE: (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched.
MARLA: Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know.. JERRY: Ah, yeah.. I know.
JOYCE: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here. ELAINE: Why is that? JOYCE: (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?
MARLA: You're okay with that, right? JERRY: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that.
(Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless, she turns back to her friend)
MARLA: So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?
ELAINE: (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here!
JERRY: (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.
JOYCE: He's gonna be in your class today.
MARLA: Alright, then. Good night.
ELAINE: (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?!
JERRY: Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves)
JOYCE: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.
(Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's bedroom]
ELAINE: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. JohnJohn's butt. (Scene ends)
(Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable to get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide awake, and staring at the ceiling. Cut to
[Setting: Jerry's car] (Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out. After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away)
Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The scene takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep) (Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters) KRAMER: (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng! JERRY: (Out of it) Yeah, good morning. KRAMER: Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window) JERRY: She's not there. She's doin' her wash. KRAMER: (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night? JERRY: (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did! KRAMER: So, you're still master of your domain. JERRY: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down! KRAMER: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?
This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it. JERRY: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way. KRAMER: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?! JERRY: Look, I'm sorryKRAMER: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry. JERRY: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way! KRAMER: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm
JERRY: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in
beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!
this contest - something's gotta give!
JERRY: Alright.. (Takes his coat off)
KRAMER: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat)
KRAMER: Yes!
(A pause as Jerry thinks it over)
JERRY: ..Alright. JERRY: What? KRAMER: (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window)
ELAINE: (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.
JERRY: She's not there!
JERRY: Really? Did you talk to him?
KRAMER: Oh, I can wait..
ELAINE: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at
(Scene ends) [Setting: Monk's Coffee shop] (Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth)
the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout."
JERRY: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
GEORGE: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
GEORGE: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts.
ELAINE: (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."
JERRY: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital. GEORGE: (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry.. (Jerry nods) JERRY: (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain? GEORGE: (Arms out) I am king of the county. You? JERRY: Lord of the manor. (Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry) ELAINE: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!
JERRY: (Adding, fake praise) Good one. ELAINE: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he
dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her
sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation) ESTELLE: (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
forehead to cool her off) Oh, God.. JERRY: But the question is, are you still master of your domain? ELAINE: (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth)
GEORGE: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference? ESTELLE: I don't understand why you can't do this for me! GEORGE: (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.
(Scene ends) [Setting: Estelle's hospital room]
ESTELLE: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
(George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his watch and the wall clock. He smiles to himself)
GEORGE: Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.
ESTELLE: You're back.
ESTELLE: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came.
GEORGE: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit. ESTELLE: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this. GEORGE: You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you?
(Nurse enters) NURSE: (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath. (George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on the divider) ESTELLE: George.. I'm huuunnnggry!
ESTELLE: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a
GEORGE: (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on.. (Scene ends)
sandwich.. [Setting: New York Health Club] GEORGE: (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George
(Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously looking around for JFK Jr.)
JOYCE: I-I told him you were single.
JOYCE: Hi!
JOYCE: He said you were just his type.
ELAINE: Hi.
ELAINE: (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me.
JOYCE: Did you get your hair done today? ELAINE: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath) JOYCE: You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.
ELAINE: That was good. That was very good.
JOYCE: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello. (Breathless, Elaine almost collapses)
ELAINE: (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression?
(Scene ends)
JOYCE: Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away)
(Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother, watching TV)
(Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her direction)
JERRY: Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent,
ELAINE: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?!
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
JOYCE: (Uneasy) He asked about you.
wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up)
ELAINE: (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say?
KRAMER: (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at
JOYCE: He wanted to know your situation.
Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes..
ELAINE: (Quick) What situation? I have a situation?
JERRY: (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The
ELAINE: (Through intercom) It's Elaine.
wheels on the bus..
GEORGE: Where did you get those socks?
(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)
JERRY: I don't know.
JERRY: (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine)
GEORGE: I think those are my socks! KRAMER: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.. (Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions, trying to over ride the other)
JERRY: How are these your socks?! GEORGE: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!
(Scene ends) [Setting: George's room] (George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to Jerry. Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him. Scene cuts to Kramer - he's out like a light.
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them! GEORGE: Yeah, well, they're my socks!
The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next scene, she's sound asleep too)
JERRY: They're my socks!
(Scene ends)
(A brief moment passes as they look at each other)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
GEORGE: Oh boy..
(Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the lack of sex)
JERRY: What are we doing here.. GEORGE: ..Oh boy.
GEORGE: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? JERRY: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!
JERRY: This is ridiculous. GEORGE: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.
JERRY: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.
(George picks up the money, counting it)
GEORGE: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.
JERRY: Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me.
(Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her)
GEORGE: And then, (Smacks the money) there were two.
ELAINE: Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up)
ELAINE: (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..
GEORGE: (Shocked) You caved?!
(Scene ends)
JERRY: It's over?
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
GEORGE: You're out?
(Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch)
JERRY: Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead. MARLA: Let's go in the bedroom. (Elaine sets the bills down on the counter) JERRY: Really? GEORGE: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.
MARLA: Yes.
JERRY: What happened?
JERRY: You sure?
ELAINE: It was..uh.. John-John.
MARLA: Yes.
JERRY AND GEORGE: Ohhhhh.. John-John.
JERRY: You really want to?
JERRY: But you made it through the day before.
MARLA: I do. I'm ready. JERRY: Okay..
ELAINE: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight. JERRY: Why outside here? ELAINE: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.
MARLA: I know how difficult this must have been for you. JERRY: (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it. (They both laugh slightly) MARLA: What do you mean?
JERRY: Well, it's kinda silly, but..
JERRY: I told her about the contest.
(Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She checks her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla, obviously upset, is putting her coat
ELAINE: Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o. (George enters) GEORGE: (To Elaine) Hey, what happened?
on) ELAINE: What? MARLA: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends? JERRY: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-
GEORGE: I thought you were meeting Kennedy. ELAINE: (Let down) He didn't show. GEORGE: Yeah, he did.
MARLA: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind. (She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in his chair, staring at the woman)
ELAINE: What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go.. GEORGE: No, no, no. He just left. ELAINE: What? GEORGE: Yeah, he was talking to Marla.
(Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying to hail a taxi) ELAINE: Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into youMARLA: I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible.
JERRY: Marla? GEORGE: Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away. ELAINE: (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?
Horrible! All of you!
GEORGE: Yeah.
(Scene ends)
ELAINE: They drove away?
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
GEORGE: Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-
ELAINE: What happened?
JERRY: (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!
Watch Online Search in site
(All three crowd around the window) ELAINE: (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..? GEORGE: Kramer?! (A brief pause)
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
ELAINE: He's waving.. (All three wave back) (Scene ends) [Setting: Elaine's bedroom] (Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr)
The Airport Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Episode 52 -- "The Airport"
MARLA: Ohh, John. That was wonderful..
Originally Aired: Wednesday, November 25, 1992, 9:30PM
(Scene ends)
Production Credits:
END OF SHOW.
Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Written By ........................... Larry David
Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones
Driver ............................... William Evan Masters
Cast:
Previous episode references:
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)
None. Known Bugs:
George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDreyfus
o George: But you are {Blanche}... You *are* in the shackles... [just what the Hell is he saying here] Net reaction and comments:
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards
Fill in later...
With:
The Cereal Report
Tia .................................. Jennifer Campbell
Gasp! None.
Prisoner ............................. Scott Burkholder
Quotes and Scene summary:
Attendant #1 ......................... Jm J. Bullock
Opening monologue (once again, the local station cuts in a few seconds late. *Man* I hate that...)
Attendant #2 ......................... Karen Denise Williams Grossbard ............................ Allan Wasserman Passenger #1 ......................... Lenny Rose Passenger #2 ......................... Annie Korzen Security Guard ....................... Deck McKenzie
Jerry: ...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer; there's always a small problem ``There'll be a slight delay, we'll be a *little* late, if you could be a *little* *patient*! We're just trying to get one of those *little* trucks to pull us up just a *little* closer to the jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway and there'll be a man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have very little time to make your connecting flight. So move it!''.
Ticket Clerk ......................... Maggie Egan Skycap ............................... Mark Christopher Lawrence
Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport. Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune.
Elaine: Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...
Elaine: What? Jerry: George is pickin' us up at the airport.
Jerry: Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could you shut-up?They both chortle, and Jerry is hot so he's taking his coat off, but Elaine refuses to take the wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck and before you can say "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", they collide head-on with a Snapple truck.... Would you believe a big purple jeep?
Elaine: Get out of here! Why? Jerry: You know that awning outside my building? Elaine: Yeah... Jerry: He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.
Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand *did* get stuck...
Elaine: So what happened?
Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and...
Jerry: He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it...
Elaine: Hey guess what? This window doesn't work.
So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have
Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work,
to pay me anything. Elaine: Hey, how we doin' on time?
the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... [pause] Or is that you?
Jerry: Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane...
Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out...
Oops.
Jerry: So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to
Elaine: Hey! Wait up! Jerry: Hey! Wait up! Driver: Sorry. Heh heh heh...
see your sister... Elaine: Yeah, worked out good.
The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he seems pretty happy about it.
Jerry: And here's the beauty--
Finally inside, they check their luggage...
Skycap: Where you goin'? Jerry: C'mon, seriously... Jerry: Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills for a tip. You
Skycap: Well, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag.
got anything? What!? Elaine: Yeah, you want five? Elaine: What!? Jerry: Gimme ten. Skycap: That's right. Elaine: You're giving him *ten* dollars? *Five* bucks a bag? Jerry: Well, we got three bags. Elaine: *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so. Elaine: That's a pretty big tip... Skycap: Look, you asked, I told you. Jerry: That's what they get! Elaine: They don't get that much. Jerry: Let's ask him.
Elaine: You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us... Jerry: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much...
Elaine: We can't ask him... Elaine: You're lucky I don't report you... Jerry: Let's see what he says. Elaine: Jerry, we don't have time for this... Jerry: Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip. Skycap: Depends on the person, depends on the bag. Jerry: Uh, how about a couple of people like us.
Fight the power, Lainey... As the two leave, the Skycap checks their baggage. Jerry's two pieces first: Skycap: JFK... Then Elaine's: Skycap: ...Honolulu. Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket counter in time. Elaine: Wait up!
Skycap: People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like you know what you're doing...
Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out...
You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up! Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she runs. Besides, she's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. Hmfph. Anyway, they get to the ticket counter.
The two have that uncomfortable politeness that only comes about when you're down to the last piece of pizza. Jerry breaks the silence: Jerry: I'll take the first class. Elaine: Jerry! Jerry: What?
Jerry+Elaine: The flight's been canceled?!?! Elaine: Why should you get the first class? Ticket Lady: Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- I have two seats into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right now. Jerry: We'll take 'em!
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class? Elaine: No. Jerry: All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've
Elaine: We're not going to sit together? Jerry: Well, so what? It's not that long-you'll read.
flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't... Elaine: You flew here coach.
Elaine: Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy. Jerry: We'll call him... Elaine: There's no time. Jerry: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time? TLady: There's no time. Jerry: There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane.
Jerry: Yeah, that's a point... Elaine: All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway. Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live. They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" Elaine aboard. Attendant #1: Third row right... Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard.
TLady: I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.
Attendant #1: Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.
Jerry: Bon voyage, Lainey! Elaine is robbed of her peek into the first class section by a drawn curtain and she goes to her seat. However, someone comes after her and: Passenger #1: Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're
George: We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup.
sitting in my seat... Um, George... Did you say "perfect"? Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags and Data General laptop. Passenger #1: I never check my bags-- I can't stand that wait in the baggage area.
George: What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
Elaine: Great... [To herself] Help me... Kramer: Will you relax?! Jerry gets to his seat, however, he also is in the wrong seat:
George: Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand Central, the Van Wyck!
Tia: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat... You destroyed my whole timing! Jerry: Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... *you*! Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes. Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the car.
Kramer: This is the best way to go! George: Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks... Kramer: George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man...
George: Hey, thanks for coming with me. George: Really? Kramer: Hey, what made you think you could touch that awning?
Kramer: If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to
George: I confused it with another awning. go to the Duty Free shop. Kramer: So how we doin' on time?
George: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail.
She fixes her glance at Jerry's nether regions:
Do you know how much duty is?
Tia: Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.
Kramer: Duty. George: Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is?
Oh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his lap and *that's* what she was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146.
Kramer: No, I dunno how much duty is. George: Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...
Jerry: Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up...
Kramer: I still like to stop at the duty free shop.
Um, what was that page number again?
George: I like to stop at the duty free shop.
Jerry: What is this an ad for?
They start to "sing", growing more excited after each iteration:
Tia: See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus?
G+K: I like to stop at the duty free shop!
Jerry: Uh-huh...
I like to stop at the duty free shop!
In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars and what is obviously heavy traffic...
Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are chatting (isn't that always the way? You get stuck beside someone who insists on going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't go according to plan and all that boring dreck...) Tia: So, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'', and I say, ``I thought this was an ad for shoes''... Jerry: Oh my... Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring...
Kramer: How does it look on your side? [Pause while George just stares at him] We'll get there... Back in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying guy is sleeping beside her while the woman on her other side is reading a book. Elaine is looking rather, shall we say "pensive". She talks to herself: Elaine: Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to
damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful.
George: Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my name!
Oh, you poor, frail dear... On the bright side, Kramer and George arrive at the airport. They're running to the terminal:
Kramer: [still lost] I know that guy...
George: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks! Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees! They find an arrival/departure screen thingie: George: Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already. Kramer: No, there it is, right there-- 133... and it's canceled. George: Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here!
Y'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me of this guy John Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved in one of those shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up with him again... But, I digress. We cut to the airport gift shop where a man in handcuffs and shackles is being led around by two FBIlooking types: Prisoner: Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss my Time magazine. Guard: Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here. George lifts the last copy from the rack before the con can get it. Prisoner: Hey, I was gonna take that!
Kramer: Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter.
George: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
A bearded man comes up to the screen before they go:
Prisoner: I don't care when you got here, I want the magazine...
Grossbard: Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30... [He leaves]
George: You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about me in this magazine!
Kramer: Did you see that guy?
Prisoner: A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!
George: No... What guy? Guard: All right, let's go... Kramer: That guy.. He was just...
George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the aforementioned prisoner with the caption ``Caught!'' written below. Prisoner: I want the magazine! George: Umm... No. Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles... George: But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is!
*up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom... The cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine has a hard time getting out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer stumbling and falling into the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting up, facing the row of seats (and their staring sitters) across from her, Elaine makes faces at them like she's a homicidal maniac from "Taxi Driver". You can just see the words ``You lookin' at *me*?'' etched in her brain. It's a killer. Anyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, Jerry and Tia are enjoying some hot towels on their faces.
Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque double-take at "that guy" from the departure screen who's browsing books. He goes up to
Jerry: Oh my... that *is* refreshing...
George.
Jerry: Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them on her] May I?
Kramer: They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia. George: Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...
Attendant: Would you care for some slippers?
Tia: Please! Jerry: Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.
Kramer: Where do I know that guy from?
They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car...
Back in the developing nation section of the plane (coach, that is), Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake up so she can go to the bathroom.
George: My name is not mentioned in this blurb... Ding!
Elaine: [To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake*
Kramer: It's Grossbard!
Why don't these people listen to me? I don't understand...
Jerry comes back from the *first class* washroom:
George: Who's Grossbard? Kramer: When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. Then one month,
Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there. Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly.
he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He took the cash and >pfffft< disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went
Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac.
to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uhuh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard!
Tia: It's almost overwhelming...
George: Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago...
Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been
Kramer: No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy... George: No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract.
Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too...
The captain interrupts our little irony:
instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize for any inconvenience... Elaine exits the bathroom, exasperated and curious:
We... we must go forward... not back. George, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running for office? Meanwhile, 32 000 feet above them, Elaine is still waiting to get into the bathroom-there's someone in there. *Finally*, a ZZ Top reject comes out of the bathroom and, to paraphrase Jerry in "The Smelly Car": ``I open the door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me--''. Elaine takes in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.
Elaine: [To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd he say? Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has been inside to see if J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer in the car. George: Well, You're not gonna believe it... Kramer: What?
George: The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes. Kramer: Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- it tolls for thee. Kramer peels out. He's on a mission from God. In first class, Jerry and Tia get the lowdown on the grub: Attendant: We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, my personal favourite. Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron. Jerry: Oh, saffron! That sounds good. Attendant: And today we're featuring wines from the *Tuscany* region...
Attendant: Look. This plane is *full*. I got a lot of people to serve. Now please... You're just gonna have to wait. Back at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals board (again)... George: There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time. Kramer: Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I *still* got time to catch him! George: How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded the plane already. Kramer: Gimme your credit card. George: My credit card?
Jerry+Tia: Tuscany! They do that "tink" thing again, and we rejoin Elaine going back to her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop to the unwashed masses in coach and he's in her way.
Kramer: Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions. George: I'm not gonna give you my card unless you tell me what it's for! Kramer: I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get on that flight.
Elaine: Hi. Can I get to my seat? Attendant: You're just gonna have to wait... Elaine: But you just passed it. I'm sitting right there next to that guy... Attendant: You're not supposed to get up during the food service. Elaine: Well, nobody *told* me that!
George: What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard. Kramer: No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna get my money, I'll get off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.
Attendant: Would you? George: This is a *great* idea! Here... use this one. I get frequent flyer
Ooooh, them's fightin' words, Monroe.
miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as
Attendant: Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.
your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get *double* the bonus miles.
Elaine: Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is.
Back in *coach* (I get hives just thinking about it), Elaine returns to her
Passenger 1: I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected it, or something.
seat now that the attendant is done serving.
Passenger 2: No, no. It all has to do with the way they kill the pig.
Elaine: Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through.
Passenger 1: They don't eat pigs! Passenger 2: They do if it's killed right-under a Rabbi's supervision.
There's no way to get around that cart... Passenger 1: You're not supposed to get up during the food service.
Ummmm, sure. Another (uncredited) passenger addresses the debate from somewhere out of camera range.
Elaine: I'll try and remember that. [Pause] Where's my meal?
Passenger 3: Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher meal.
Passenger 1: He asked me where you were, and you were gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats.
Elaine: Then why didn't you take it? Passenger 3: I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.
Uh-huh... Elaine addresses the nearby attendant.
Elaine: You're eating my food!
Elaine: Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal.
Attendant: Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it, or not.
Attendant: Are you sure?
Take the food, Elaine. But ask that guy just what the heck a kosher meal is-- I'm curious...
Elaine: Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food had been served to me.
Meanwhile, Jerry and Tia enjoy a nummylookin' dessert treat.
Kramer: She talked me in to it-- she said it was the best deal.
J+T: Mmmmmmmm! Tia: This is the best sundae I've ever had.
George: Do you know how much this is going to cost me?
Jerry: Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom-- y'see?
Kramer: Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split it with you
That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream.
How big of you, you brute. They board the plane.
Tia: I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing.
George: Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...
Jerry: Thank you...
I dunno, George. Those *coach* bathrooms stink. Just ask Elaine.
J+T: Mmmmmm! We get a quick shot of Elaine staring at *something* on the end of her fork with a decidedly unimpressed look. Back in first class: Attendant: More anything? Jerry: More everything! Does that include Rabbi-slaughtered bovines? Back at JFK... Kramer: Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon. George: Super Savers? Are they refundable!? No. George: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!
Kramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For his part, Grossbard doesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years ago (then again, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying in vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the plane. Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom door to a reply of ``Just a minute'' from the occupant inside (I bet he stinks). Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the Prisoner without his Time magazine (at least now we know why he needed it so badly-- reading material for the john). Anyway, the guy pulls George into the bathroom (he's still wearing his cuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got to make it rather difficult to go to the bathroom, but I digress)). So, while George is in the can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted off the plane. Don't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's up with going to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there laws against that? Or is it just trains
that you have to wait until they're moving? Who really cares, anyway?
to,ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*!
Meanwhile, somewhere above New York, Elaine sneaks into first class (she's so cute when she shows her rebellious side). She just gets settled into a comfy seat complete with pillow (they probably get rocks in, ugh, *coach*), when all of a sudden:
The outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing a blanket and napping (at least, that's what I *think* they're doing under that big, blue blanket...)
Attendant: Excuse me... Excuuuse me... Elaine: What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks. Attendant: What is your name? Elaine: Elaine Benes? Attendant: [Checks her list] You're going to have to go back to coach. Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here... Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive. Elaine: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods] Oh, you got *cookies*! Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your seat!
Jerry: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. [To attendant] What is going on? Attendant: Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first class. Jerry: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security-there really should be a locking door. Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return to snuggling... Back on terra firma, Kramer is being escorted through the airport by a security guy. He tries to talk his way out: Kramer: Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks! No good. He breaks free and makes a run for it and seemingly escapes. Meanwhile, Jerry is getting ready for deboarding and he glances out the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running, arms flailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be sure. Jerry: Couldn't be...
Elaine: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*! [She goes through the curtain
After they get off the plane, J+E look for the boys and get their baggage
(question: how would they know Kramer was there, too? They didn't get a hold of George on the phone, or he would've went to Laguardia in the first
Hmmm... We go to a shot outside the plane looking in on a rather roughed up George Costanza. He screams: George:
place...) Jerry: Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere...
Well, you can't hear him through the window, but he is definitely shouting ``KRAMER!''
Well, George is being raped in a bathroom and Kramer is still on the lam somewhere in the airport... Jerry: I got my bags, I'm ready to go. Elaine: Yeah, *you* got *your* bags... In Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a good time, revolving around the baggage thingy, complete with lei... Elaine: The worst flight I have been on in my entire life. Jerry: Yeah, me too... He seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an entourage of photographers. Tia: I'll call you. Jerry: Okay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business thing... Enter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage comes out-- you didn't expect a whole episode to go by without a "Kramer entrance", did you? Kramer: You guys ready? Jerry: Yeah. Where's George?
Jerry: But I have to admit, I like flying. I like those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, you close the door, the light comes on. It's like a small surprise party every time you go in there. The worst way of flying, I think is "standby", you ever fly standby? It never works, you know, that's why they call it standby-you stand there going ``Bye!'' So I was on this flight where the flight attendant-- it was her first day on the job so they didn't have a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes a big difference, I mean this is just some regular person coming over to you going ``Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?'' It's like, ``Who the Hell are you?!'' [End] (Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy") Advertisement Dont worry about rushing to your gate when you schedule airport parking reservations. Sign online and schedule your airport parking reservations immediately. Reservations for airport parking are
available for short-term or long-term stays. Get online and compare rates for cheap airport parking in your area. Save time and money with discount airport parking on your next vacation.
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-
The Pick Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: Dec ember 16, 1992 for the first time.Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia LouisDreyfus, Jennifer Campbell (as Tia), Heidi Swedberg (as Susan), Wayne Knight (as Newman), and Nicholas Hormann (as Calvin Klein). [Jerry's Apartment] GEORGE: I loved her Jerry, I loved her. JERRY: No, you didn't. GEORGE: And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did. JERRY: No she didn't. GEORGE: What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan. I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back? ELAINE: [OC] Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like her. GEORGE: Who says? ELAINE: You did. GEORGE: Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry. JERRY: You walk around with no underwear?
Written by: Larry David and Marc Jaffe
GEORGE: Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry?
ELAINE: Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking of going?
JERRY: I do a wash.
GEORGE: Wa, uh, ...
GEORGE: Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her.
ELAINE: Tia? Who's that?
JERRY: When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her.
ELAINE: She sent you a Christmas card?
GEORGE: I loved her! JERRY: You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being taken to a cell.
JERRY: She's the model I met on the plane.
JERRY: Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night. GEORGE: My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!! [They ignore George]
GEORGE: I would give anything to be going up those stairs again.
JERRY: What are you doing?
GEORGE: I gotta call her. Should I call her?
ELAINE: ... date with Fred.
JERRY: George, I don't know if that is such a good idea?
JERRY: The religious guy? ELAINE: He's not THAT religious.
GEORGE: Whyie? JERRY: Let us pray. JERRY: You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's a therapist.
[Kramer Enters] KRAMER: Hey, you got any Double Crunch?
GEORGE: I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with. JERRY: No, no no [Elaine enters, flossing teeth] Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman.
JERRY: Yeah. JERRY: Kramer, should I call Susan?
ELAINE: Dana Folley.
KRAMER: Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
JERRY: Right, Dana Folley.
GEORGE: My little man doesn't know.
GEORGE: She any good?
KRAMER: The little man knows all.
GEORGE: My little man's an idiot. ELAINE: See, she was clever. You know she put her picture on a card. I should do that. I never do anything like that.
GEORGE: (singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby ... oh won't you tell her ... I love her. Oh hey, ...
KRAMER: You want a picture like that on a Christmas card? I can do that for you. ...
JERRY: George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
GEORGE: She kept such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary.
[Change of Scne Tia at Jerry's]
ELAINE: No, no, I was just thinking out loud I don't want my picture on a card. KRAMER: No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything. GEORGE: She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what she put in those eggs. KRAMER: All right, ... now, you come on over. I'll have my cereal and I'll take your picture. ELAINE: Really? Can you really take a picture? JERRY: Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures. He's got equipment over there.
JERRY: So, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical fish tank right here. TIA: Are you sure you're ready for that kind of comitment? JERRY: Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet. TIA: That's horrible! JERRY: What's that perfume you're wearing? TIA: oh I completely forgot I want you to see this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was telling you about came out today. JERRY: What is that smell? TIA: It's here somewhere.
ELAINE: All right, ha ha JERRY: It smells like the beach. KRAMER: I don't know about that outfit though.
TIA: Exactly.
ELAINE: Why? What's wrong with it?
JERRY: Oh my God is that the new perfume?
KRAMER: Well, we'll have to improvise.
TIA: Yeah.
[Elaine and Kramer exit]
JERRY: I can't believe this. My next door neighbour had the idea for this exact perfume last year. He even met with an
executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they stole his idea. TIA: Are you sure? JERRY: And you're the model for this perfume?
JERRY: Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall. We're all tall. KRAMER: What's that? JERRY: What?
[Noise] KRAMER: That smell. What's that smell? JERRY: Uh, that's him. He just came home. ... Uh, the door [Jerry pushes his door against Kramer's entrance] KRAMER: Hey
JERRY: [starting the Dust Buster] What smell? KRAMER: It's very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. It's very familiar.
JERRY: Hey. KRAMER: Hey, how ya' doing? [Trying to enter] JERRY: Yeah, uh, I'll see you later. KRAMER: I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster.
JERRY: Oh, they're all the same. Here. [gives him Dust Buster] Now if you'll excuse us, .. KRAMER: Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow uh? JERRY: Okay. KRAMER: Yeah. Nice meeting you.
JERRY: All right come on in. ... Just wait over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia.
TIA: Nice meeting you too. JERRY: I'll see you later.
KRAMER: Hello. [Jerry pushes tia back away from Kramer]
[Kramer slowly leaves as Jerry shuts door on him]
KRAMER: How tall are you?
JERRY: Ooow, that was close.
TIA: Five ten.
KRAMER: [OC] THE BEACH!!!
KRAMER: Come on lets see - Back to Back.
[enters]
JERRY: NO! Kramer!
KRAMER: You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume? you're wearing.
KRAMER: What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was.
TIA: It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN.
KRAMER: CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.
DANA: It doesn't matter. You'll fix it later. Tell me about your girlfriend. GEORGE: It's stuck on a piece of cloth here. I can't get the cloth out.
JERRY: I know look at this [shows ad]
DANA: It doesn't matter, so ...
KRAMER: Whooo, ... That's you! What is going on here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They're not going to get away with this.
GEORGE: This is a brand new jacket. Boy this really burns me up, ...
[End of scene]
GEORGE: ... Susan.
[Therapist's Office]
DANA: Okay, we're getting somewhere.
[George enters]
GEORGE: UH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating. It's a brand new jacket.
DANA: Hello. George, come in. Come in I've heard an awful lot about you. Please sit down. GEORGE: Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Actually she broke up with me [struggling with his coat zipper] and uh, well, I was the cause of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with this thing? DANA: So uh, she broke up with you? ... GEORGE: Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down? DANA: It's all right don't worry about it. So, why did she break up with you?
DANA: George, George, look at me. Okay, forget about the zipper. ... What's your girlfriend's name?
[Jerry's Apartment] ELAINE: Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that Church on Amsterdam. JERRY: Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at what we have here. [mail]. A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't have to go to all that trouble. ELAINE: It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing. JERRY: I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out?
GEORGE: What is with this damn zipper? ELAINE: Well, you know. It's a picture?
JERRY: Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job.
KRAMER: Hey! ELAINE: Have you seen the card?
ELAINE: Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture?
KRAMER: What card?
JERRY: ... um ...
ELAINE: This car.
ELAINE: What?
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it.
JERRY: Did you look at look at this picture carefully?
ELAINE: Well did you notice anything unusual about it?
ELAINE: Carefully?
KRAMER: No.
JERRY: Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see ... a nipple.
ELAINE: Well come here and take a look.
ELAINE: What?
ELAINE: So, what's that?
JERRY: Here. Take a look. What, what is that?
KRAMER: That's a nipple.
KRAMER: Yeah, so?
ELAINE: Right!! ELAINE: (gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple.
KRAMER: Ooo!
JERRY: That's what I thought.
ELAINE: Aw, great!? Didn't you see that?
ELAINE: That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa.
KRAMER: Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh, ELAINE: It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt.
JERRY: DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE? ELAINE: Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am I going to do? You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. [Kramer enters]
JERRY: Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it. ELAINE: No. I don't want him looking. JERRY: Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it.
ELAINE: Oh my God. I sent one to the super in my building. My mailman. My ten year old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine. Father Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent one to Fred.
GEORGE: Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate. DANA: No. Let me try... GEORGE: Take it right off the chest...
[Jerry enters with Newman] DANA: Ugh, .. NX: Okay. What is it? JERRY: Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it. NX: Your nipple's showing. JERRY: Okay. Thanks.
GEORGE: You're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip it. DANA: YEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... I am afraid we're going to have to stop. GEORGE: Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine?
NX: Anything else? DANA: Yeah. JERRY: No. GEORGE: [stares at card] NX: All right. See you later. [Jerry's car - BMW] JERRY: What? So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them.
[Jerry scratching right side of nose. Tia in a cab sees him, in shock. Cab pulls away.] JERRY: No, No, No, No, Oh, No.
KRAMER: I got them too. [Jerry's Apartment] JERRY: Everybody's got them. [Jerry hanging up phone] [Therapist's Office] DANA: You see it's kind of got a little piece of cloth that's slipped underneath and it's ...
JERRY: Well every day for the past four days she hasn't returned one call. GEORGE: Was it a scratch or a pick?
GEORGE: Pull it up a little bit. JERRY: It was a scratch. DANA: Uhg. Well you hold it. Wait, uh, Damn It! I can't move it. God, I've never seen a zipper so stubborn. DAMN IT! I almost had it.
GEORGE: Hey. It's me.
JERRY: Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch? [Buzzer] JERRY: Yeah? ELAINE: (OC) It's me. JERRY: Come on up. GEORGE: Was there any nostril penetration? JERRY: There may have been some incidental penetration. But from her angle she was in no position to make the call. GEORGE: So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so then what?
These guys keep asking me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred, you know the guy I told you about? He hasn't called me in three days. ... [sees card] Oh please! GEORGE: Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it. ELAINE: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card. [Kramer enters] KRAMER: Got any Double Crunch? JERRY: yeah. I think I do.
JERRY: Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick?
KRAMER: What's that perfume? ELAINE: What, Ocean.
GEORGE: I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit. JERRY: Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her?
KRAMER: That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN. JERRY: I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me in a pick at a light. KRAMER: I thought you said it was a scratch.
GEORGE: No. That's disgusting!
JERRY: But that's not what she thinks.
[Elaine enters]
GEORGE: Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of town and she didn't get the calls.
ELAINE: You cannot believe what I'm going through. That card is plastered all over the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ... Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip!
JERRY: All right. I'll call the agency. [Elaine grabs card from George] Hello. Yes, I'm
trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp. Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really. well thank you very much. [hangs up] She has been in town. She's at CALVIN KLEIN's right now.
SUSAN: Why were there so many cockroaches?
KRAMER: Let's go.
GEORGE: Because. There was a lot of cake lying around the house. Just sitting there going with all the excess milk from all the experiments [grins]
[Monk's]
SUSAN: And they got along?
GEORGE: It'll be different this time.
GEORGE: Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know about Pasteurization. He didn't know anout Fumigation. But they made it work!
SUSAN: I need someone a little more stable. GEORGE: I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza!
[Trump Towers]
SUSAN: People don't change.
KRAMER: Let me talk to Calvin.
GEORGE: I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it.
[Kramer enters office]
KRAMER: I want to talk to Calvin. SECRETARY: You can't go in there.
TIA: Kramer? KRAMER: Yeah, uh.
SUSAN: I'm not a soft boiled egg. CALVIN KLEIN: Who are you? GEORGE: And I am not a piece of toast. KRAMER: I'm here to talk about the ocean. SUSAN: I just don't think we have anything in common. GEORGE: That's okay. That's good. You think Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.
CALVIN KLEIN: Oh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something about this. Will you excuse us Tia? [Tia leaves] KRAMER: Now I don't want any trouble Calvin. CALVIN KLEIN: Neither do I. [Outside office] JERRY: Hello there you are.
TIA: What are you doing here? JERRY: Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been returning my calls. TIA: Well, I've been busy. JERRY: Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he indicates a nose pick) TIA: (Waving him off) I'd rather not talk about this.. JERRY: But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril. TIA: I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators)
KRAMER: Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea about the beach cologne, you know, he - he laughed at me. KLEIN: You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful. KRAMER: Well, yeah. KLEIN: Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably) You're very lean, but muscular.. KRAMER: You know, I try to take care of myself. I - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose. KLEIN: You're spectacular. KRAMER: (Flattered) Oh? (Scene ends)
JERRY: But there - but there was no pick! I I did not pick! There ws no piick!
[Setting: Elaine's office]
TIA: I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry)
(Elaine's fighting with her boyfriend, Fred, about her Christmas card)
JERRY: No! No pick!
ELAINE: I told you, Fred - my friend's next door neighbor took it.
(Scene ends) FRED: (Incredulous) Soo - what happened?! [Setting: Calvin Klein's office] (Kramer, standing, is talking with Klein) KRAMER: All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came in here last January to talk to one of your ffflunkies.. KLEIN: (Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face..
ELAINE: Well, I-I-I must a missed a button. I forgot to button it. FRED: I really don't see how you could miss a button like that. ELAINE: Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts it on speakerphone) Yeah?..
RECEPTIONIST: Your sister, Gail.
dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic.. an' without a trace of selfconsciousness!
ELAINE: Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone and hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.
KLEIN: His buttocks are sublime!
CO-WORKER: (Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey, Nip, ya need that manuscript or can I take it home? ELAINE: Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling me "Nip"! (Co-worker takes it and quickly leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone) It was an accident! Well.. well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress. (Scene ends)
MAN: Of course, his pectorals could use a little work - I suppose we could get him into the weight room. WOMAN: (Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No, let's get him in the studio today. We can send these out immediately. (Kramer casually puts his hand on the wall, attempting to lean on it, but the corner is rounded, and he slides along it, eventually falling down. Fortunately, the other people don't notice - they're talking amongst themselves)
[Setting: Susan's apartment building] MAN: You've done it again, C.K.! (George and Susan are slowly making their way up the stars to Susan's apartment. He's treating it very much like the long walk to an execution; she's mellow and happy) (Scene ends) [Setting: Calvin Klein's office]
(Scene ends) [Setting: Calvin Klein office building] (In a hallway, Tia and others are waiting for the elevator. Jerry, deciding to make a speach, starts to preach to the crowd)
(A couple people are sitting with Klein, and talking. Kramer is no where in sight)
JERRY: An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself but all those
WOMAN: About the focus group? I had nothing to do with the focus group. What's your point? (She sees Kramer emerge from another room. He's wearing only
Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you.. (Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing them) Are we not
human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A few people in the
KRAMER: I've got the magazine. The underwear ad came out.
hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not an animal!
JERRY: Boy, they really worked on your pectorals.
(Scene ends)
GEORGE: Your buttocks are spectacular.
[Setting: Elaine's office]
ELAINE: Oh my!
(Elaine's standing in the doorway, yelling at Fred)
KRAMER: What?
ELAINE: I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish now that I had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls after him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul!
ELAINE: I'm not sure but... I think I see your... THE END \+ Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com
(Scene ends) [Monk's] GX: So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment I knew I made a terrible mistake. Going back with her. So we're in her apartment she goes into the bathroom. I'm cursing myself; now how do I get out of this? Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening. The pick. JERRY: The pick? ELAINE: The pick? GEORGE: She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You should have seen the look on her face. JERRY: I think I've seen that look.
The Movie Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
==================================== ==================================== ==== Episode #415 Originally Aired: Wednesday, January 6, 1993, 9:00PM ==================================== ==================================== ====
[Kramer enters] Production Credits:
With: Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones
Buckles .............................. Barry Diamond Usher ................................ Perry Anzilotti Kernis ............................... Tom La Grua
Executive Producers .................. Andrew Sheinman Larry David
Maurice .............................. Eric Poppick Woman Behind Elaine .................. Cathy Lind Hayes
George Shapiro & Howard West And: Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Written By ........................... Steve Skrovan &
Cab Driver ........................... Alan Kolman Cashier .............................. Molly Cleator
Bill Masters &
Concessionaire ....................... Christie Mellor
Jon Hayman
Man In Line .......................... Jeff Norman
Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones
Man In Theatre ....................... Paul Eisenhauer
==================================== ==================================== ==== Cast: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)
Woman In Theatre ..................... Montrose Hagins ==================================== ==================================== ==== Previous episode references:
George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDrefus
==================================== ==================================== ==== None.
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards
==================================== ==================================== ==== Net reaction and comments: ==================================== ==================================== ==== Discussion about how Papaya King is a real place. Or, more accurately,
couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater
places.
three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move
...
three feet.
==================================== ==================================== ====
[Monologue: 32 seconds] % A night at the Improv. Jerry receives some disturbing news from the
Quotes and Scene summary: % manager: The show has been delayed. ==================================== ==================================== ==== % Opening monologue Jerry: What's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Didja ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen... and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, he's a
Jerry: You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 9:50, I'm not gonna be able to make it! % As impeccable and precise in his business dealings as he is with his % apartment. Kernis: I hear you, guy. Jerry: And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material!
hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You
% In the background is the plot complication of the week: Buckles.
% The manager assures Jerry that Buckles isn't on the menu. He just
% manager had no choice but to give Jerry's spot to... Buckles: Jerry!
% hangs around hoping that somebody drops out.
Jerry: What are <you> doing here?
Kernis: Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot?
Buckles: Hey, do you think this is funny? ``Why do they call it athlete's
Jerry: No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate''
foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my
at 10:30.
father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!''
% On consideration, Jerry decides to take the 11 o'clock spot and skip % the movie. Jerry is on his way out the door when Buckles spots him.
% And you're no Jack Kennedy. Jerry is understandably unimpressed. % He tries to escape, but Buckles won't let him. Jerry is on his way
Buckles: Hey, Jer! Jerry: [not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... [and out the door] % At the Paragon Theater, George joins the end of a queue. He taps
% to the theater to tell his friends he can't make it, then back to % the Improv. Buckles offers to join him and split the fare. ``I've
% the shoulder of the man in front of him.
% got time! It'll give us a chance to know each other a little better!''
George: Excuse me, do you have a ticket?
%
Man: No.
% Elaine joins George in the queue.
George: Okay. Good.
Elaine: I've been *dying* to see ``CheckMate''.
% Misunderstanding number one: When Jerry shows up at the other comedy % place, the manager tells him his spot was for 9:15, not 9:50. The
George: Well, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy. Elaine: ``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie!
George: ``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great!
George: You're not going to get back here in time!
Elaine: Oh, <come on>. That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where
Kramer: I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!
they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the
Elaine: You can get a hot dog in the theater. Kramer: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog!
mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid! George: Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw
[in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog! Elaine: Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row.
that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his
Kramer: Well, just save me a seat.
cheek? ... I lost it.
% This touches a raw nerve.
% Apparently, a movie that can be interpreted on two levels.
Elaine: No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once
%
had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving
% Misunderstanding number two: Kramer joins George and Elaine after
incident!
% looking for them at the Paradise Twin around the corner. Elaine
% Kramer just asks for his ticket, but George doesn't have them.
% hates the Paradise because it's a multiplex; she'd rather see a
George: I'm in line to buy.
% movie on a big screen. Something catches Kramer's eye. Kramer: Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King.
Elaine: No, George, this is the ticket<holders> line. George: No it's not, it's the ticket-<buyers> line. Elaine: Then how come we're not moving?
G+E: No, wait! Kramer: Good question.
% George addresses the man in front of him. George: Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers? % George gloats, knowing what the answer is going to be. Man: Holders. % Instant double-take. George: But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no! Man: I didn't. My friend was getting it. George: [furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that. % Misunderstanding number three. George goes to get tickets, leaving
% 10:20, and Kramer suggests they go watch the 10:45 showing of "CheckMate" % at the Paradise. Elaine enters whine mode. Elaine: I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater! George: It's the same movie! What's the difference? Elaine: It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films. % But she gives in. New plan. George and Elaine will get tickets at % the Paradise, while Kramer waits at the Paragon to tell Jerry of the % change in plans. But Kramer can't keep his eye off the Papaya King
% Elaine and Kramer to talk behind his back. Elaine: Can you believe him?
% sign, flashing, beckoning, practically begging...
Kramer: He's spaced out.
%
% Let him who is without sin, Kramer.
% Jerry suffers through Buckles' telling of his life story in the taxi.
Elaine: How long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line?
Jerry: [to taxi driver] Take the Park!
Kramer: [thinks for a while]
Buckles: No no no, take 55th.
Elaine: [gives up] Yeah, exactly...
% Jerry can't stand it. Buckles somehow drifted onto the subject of
% The movie has sold out. ``Real good, George. Real good.'' It's now
% fish and how much he hates it.
Buckles: Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish!
George: Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later.
Jerry: [rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end]
Elaine: Yeah, you *could*...
Okay, I get your point!
George: Might be easier.
Buckles: I had a point?
Elaine: I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve
% At the Paradise, George succeeds in obtaining the tickets, and he
fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.
% joins Elaine in the ticket-holders line. (Right?)
George: [trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we
George: Hey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
know better] Either way. Elaine: Yeah.
Elaine: Sigh/Ugh. George: So... Can I have it? George: I wouldn't mind seein' <that>. Elaine: Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. George: So what's your point?
Elaine: I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda. George: Whaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda? Elaine: I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even. George: I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy
% Yeah, what's your point? George: By the way, you owe me seven fifty. Elaine: Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty?
*you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons. Elaine: [exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength.
George: No, I don't have any change.
% The line begins to move. George offers to wait outside for K+J.
Elaine: Oh, well, then I'll pay you later.
George: You go in and save seats.
Elaine: [in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three
% % Elaine does her best to save three seats.
seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!
Elaine: No, these are saved.
% With extreme reluctance, Elaine goes on ahead to save seats.
Man: All of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* seats.
%
Elaine: What, is that a rule?
% The taxi is stuck in traffic. Jerry bawls out Buckles for choosing 55th
% George comes in; J+K haven't appeared. Elaine sends George to the
% on a Saturday night. Buckles considers how various famous people would
% Paragon to give Kramer his and Jerry's tickets. Throughout the
% react to be stuck in traffic, using Jerry as an unwilling guinea pig for
% conversation, Elaine fends off would-be claim-jumpers.
% his material.
George: Well, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you
Buckles: Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material.
didn't like saving anyway.
Jerry: That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices.
Elaine: [stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her]
Buckles: Jerry! Don't start up with me!
No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken.
Jerry: I gotta get out of this cab...
[to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it.
Buckles: But Jerry, quit riffing! Jerry: No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the
% George returns to one of his favorite topics.
difference?
George: Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change,
Buckles: [pause] Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?
and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.
% Apparently, not.
Elaine: Can we do this later, George?
George: Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly
% She can't take it any longer. Elaine: Oh, take 'em.
takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders]
% George reaches the ticket booth of the Paragon. George: Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face,
I, I trust you. big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose? % Kramer stands, mesmerized by the sign that reads, ``100% pure fresh % beef. Tastier than Filet Mignon.'' He rushes to the ticket booth.
Clerk: ... flared nostrils? George: Yeah. Clerk: Nope, haven't seen him.
Kramer: Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay? % Elaine is accosted from all sides.
% George leaves, unsuccessful. % % Jerry gets out of the cab in front of the Paragon. Buckles: Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line,
Elaine: No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!
*please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months? Jerry: Your trench coat in my closet?
Woman: Which one? Elaine: These two and this one. ...
% It's not like he's asking for a ride to the airport or anything.
No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go!
Buckles: Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the
These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!
door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in
the world. % Jerry sanely declines. Jerry doesn't see any of his friends, so he % figures they're inside. He'll go in to tell them he can't join them. Buckles: We should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot.
Clerk: The guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth... Kramer: No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils. Clerk: Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left.
Jerry: No thanks, maybe some other time. Buckles: Really? Do you really mean that? Jerry: No, I don't.
% Behind Elaine, a women chats loudly with her friend. Woman: So I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old!
% Brutal honesty once again saves the day. Buckles: You liked the athlete's foot bit, right?
Who else but my Alan would do something like that? % I won't say it.
Jerry: No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible. % Jerry pays his half of the fare then approaches the entrance to % the Paragon. Jerry: Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em.
Woman: And then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lipsync'ing to ``A Chorus Line'', I mean you can see he's got talent. Elaine: [annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me.
Mind if I walk through real quick? Woman: What's the problem? Usher: [indicates ``okay''] % Just after Jerry goes inside, Kramer clomps to the ticket booth at
Elaine: [momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident] You're talking.
% warp speed, clutching a precious Papaya King hot dog in his hand.
Woman: It's the ``Coming Attractions''.
Kramer: Hey, did that guy show up?
% Elaine collects her things and leaves.
Woman: So anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten
% the other door. Like two dips, passing in the night. George: [whispering] Elaine?
into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe... [loud whisper] Elaine! % At the entrance to the Paradise Twin, George is stopped by the usher. Usher: Ticket, sir? George: Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend?
[louder whisper] Elaine! % Various movie patrons tell George to shut up. George: [quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine!
Usher: Do you have your stub? George: [as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'?
% He is quickly shouted down, making his escape through the exit. %
Usher: Mm hm. % The exit to the street. % George sifts through his pockets, going on about how he never needed % a stub before.
% % In the theater at the Paragon, Jerry whispers ``Elaine'' and,
George: You don't remember me? % hearing no response, gives up. Usher: It's a big city, sir. George: I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o'
Narrator: The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.
hair, face like a frying pan? % Unable to find his stub, George gives him Kramer's ticket. The
% Something about this preview attracts Jerry's attention. Not sure exactly % what, though...
% ticket-taker tears the ticket and gives George the stub. George % goes into the ``CheckMate'' theater just as Elaine leaves it through
Narrator: It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. ``Rochelle Rochelle'', now playing at Paradise 2.
% Meanwhile, Kramer gives up waiting outside the Paragon. Seconds
Clerk: There is no small. [flash of perky inspiration] Child-size is small. Elaine: What's `medium'?
% thereafter, Jerry rushes out of the theater and hails a cab. Or
Clerk: Adult.
% tries to.
Elaine: Do adults ever order the child-size?
%
Clerk: [chuckling] Not usually.
[End of Act One. Time: 13:38]
Elaine: [laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'.
% Elaine reaches the concessions stand and has to deal with the perky clerk. Elaine: Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?
Clerk: Do you want butter? Elaine: Is it *real* butter? Clerk: [perkily] It's butter-*flavored*!
Clerk: Do you want the Medium size or the middle size?
Elaine: [exasperated] What is it made of?
Elaine: What's the difference?
Clerk: [perkily] It's yellow!
Clerk: Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo.
% Leaving the inanities of modern marketing aside, we switch to Jerry,
Elaine: [momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small?
% still outside trying to hail a cab. He finally gets one. The
Clerk: There is no small. Small is Medium.
% driver speaks with a Russian accent.
Elaine: What's... medium?
Jerry: 44th and 9th.
Clerk: Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo.
Driver: Have you got a cigarette?
Elaine: Oh-kay. Gimme the large.
Jerry: No.
Clerk: That's medium.
% George once again tries to get past the ticket-taker.
Elaine: Right. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn?
Usher: Ticket, sir?
George: We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had
% Kramer lankily stumbles into the seat, but finds the fit
this exact same conversation a minute ago! % uncomfortable. Usher: I need to see your stub. George: [realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub.
Driver: I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline.
% George empties his pockets in a quest for a ticket stub. No dice. George: There you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket.
Jerry: Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? Driver: [taken aback] No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'!
You happy now? You got two tickets. % Jerry nervously glances at his watch. % George goes past the concessions stand, not seeing Elaine, who is
%
% searching her pocketbook for change to pay for her popcorn and
% Elaine returns to the theater, arms laden with popcorn and soda,
% drink.
% trying to find her seat. Various patrons tell her to sit down
Usher: Ticket, sir? Kramer: Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket.
% already. She is finally shouted down and pushed out of the aisle,
I'm late, and she's inside.
% causing her to spill most of her popcorn in the process.
Usher: Go ahead.
%
% George dwells at the ``Rochelle Rochelle'' sign for what must be the
% George sits in a half-empty theater watching ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
% 5th time this episode. Kramer heads straight into the theater.
% Not a female audience member in sight. Man: You're soaking wet. Who are you?
Kramer: Is that seat taken? Woman Behind Elaine: It's all yours.
Rochelle: My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan.
I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.
Elaine: I can't stand around here for *two hours*!
Man: Here, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes,
Usher: I could let you see ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
you'll catch cold.
Elaine: [heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks.
Rochelle: Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open.
% Elaine plods off, then realizes she had something else to say.
% George is clearly waiting to see Rochelle's other buttons.
Elaine: Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky...
Rochelle: Oh, that's much better. Much...
doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of
% A tall man sits down in front of George, blocking his view of
Frankenstein?
% Rochelle's Christmas cards.
Usher: Haven't seen him.
%
% Meanwhile, at a service station, the taxi driver assures Jerry that
% Elaine stumbles to the ticket-taker, trying to shake popcorn out of
% they will be leaving very soon. He'll just go across the street to
% her hair. % buy a cigarette. Elaine: I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!
% % From his pocket, Kramer digs into his treasured Papaya King hot dog. % Then discovers the source of his discomfort: He's sitting on a coat.
Usher: There's a seat in the front row. Jerry: Hey, did I make it? Elaine: No no, I can't sit in the front row. Kernis: Sorry. Usher: Well, you're going to have to wait, then.
Jerry: Oh, great. That's great. What a night.
% Off-screen, we hear appreciative applause. Announcer: Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen.
Elaine: Oh, gimme a break! % George turns, as does Jerry. Jerry: Elaine?
Another round of applause for Pat Buckles! % Elaine's face lights up. % Jerry spots Buckles. Elaine: Jerry! Jerry: You got my spot? Jerry: Elaine! Buckles: That athlete's foot bit killed! Voice: [whispered] Shut up. Jerry: Really... George: Jerry? Buckles: Do you think I need to lose some weight? Jerry: Weight? Naw. Just need some more height.
Jerry: George? George: Elaine? Elaine: George! [waves hi]
Jerry: My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies... Buckles: Come on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
% Another prized Seinfeld moment, soon to be copycatted around the country. Jerry: Hey, where's Kramer? Voice: [whispered] Will you shut up?
Jerry: ``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh? Buckles: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. Jerry: [his interest piqued] Minsk? % George and Elaine watch ``Rochelle Rochelle'' in different parts of
Elaine: I don't know. Does this movie stink or what! Jerry: Let's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya. Buckles: You're leaving? Jerry: Yeah.
% the theater. Also there are Jerry and Buckles. George and Buckles % seem to be enjoying the movie; Jerry and Elaine can't deal with it.
% The music from the movie continues over the next, heart-rending scene...
Buckles: [holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month.
Kramer: It's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty?
Jerry: I don't want the coat.
% Closing monologue.
Buckles: Jerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay!
Jerry: I always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot.
% Jerry, Elaine, and George fill each other in on their respective
It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit,
% miseries out in the lobby.
but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie
George: [studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum.
talking with his friends, going: ``Oh, you mean that was the same
Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty. Jerry: I didn't even use the ticket! George: I still paid for it! % Kramer wanders out of ``CheckMate'', his newly-found coat draped % casually over his shoulders. Jerry looks through his wallet.
guy from the <beginning>... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. [whispering to imaginary friends seated around him] ``Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What
Jerry: I only have a twenty. Elaine: That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that? Kramer: It was on the seat... Elaine: *YOU* took my seat!?
was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed
George: You uh owe me for the ticket. him.'' Kramer: Yeah, right... [End of Act Two. Time: 7:36] Elaine: What is that stain [on my coat]? [Fin.]
==================================== ==================================== === <Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"> Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
----------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Peter Mehlman ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode no. 56 pc: 414, season 4, episode 17 Broadcast date: January 27, 1993 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars:
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
Brian George..................... Babu Bhatt Maggie Han....................... Cheryl Ping Wu.......................... Ping John Hamelin..................... Babu's Brother Gerry Bednob..................... Babu's Friend
Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com Opening monologue. The Visa Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]
What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor."
Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not." To which the judge can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "Fraid so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh."
Cut back to George and Cheryl at the counter.
First scene. George is at the counter at Monk's, he's talking with an Oriental woman.
Cheryl: Nice meeting you.
George: So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle?
Cheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and Elaine.
Cheryl: Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration and naturalization.
Elaine: Hi!
Cheryl: Here's my card. George: Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Hey, how ya doin? George: What is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural? Cheryl (laughing): Are your friends as funny as you?
George: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter. Elaine: What, the one who just left?
George: No, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El Clowno. Quick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering. Elaine: Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail. Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway. Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.
George: Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go. Elaine: Yeah, well, I guess it's all over. Jerry (looking behind the counter): Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) Hey, Babu! Babu: Jerry! Jerry: Look at you, you got the job.
Babu: Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful. Babu: Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to you.
Jerry: Ok, I'll see you around the building.
Jerry: Oh, I didn't do anything.
Babu: I'll see you *in* the building.
Babu: Yes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in your building.
Jerry (returning to the table): Remember Babu Bhatt? George: Who's he?
Jerry: Come on. Babu: You very very good man, you do everything for me. My family and I can never thank you enough for everything you do. Cut back to George and Elaine. George: You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.
Jerry: Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going with me to the auto show with me Saturday? Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Jerry: Can you bring my mail then? George: What mail?
Elaine: No they don't. George: Ooooh, yes they do.
Elaine: I picked up his mail while he was on the road
Elaine: Nooo.
George: Why didn't Kramer pick it up?
George: Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money.
Jerry: Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.
Elaine nods her head in approval.
Jerry: Monday, I think.
George: You mean that's true, I'm right?!
George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do
Jerry: Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu.
George: Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?
nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp. Jerry: Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.
George: No! No. It's not good, I don't think so. Elaine: Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's probably around seven. Jerry: No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's. Elaine: Why?
George has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner table and Cheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes. Jerry: ...he never heard of corduroy! Cheryl (howling with laughter): Stop it, you're killing me!! Jerry: He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story. Dream sequence ends. George: No, no I don't think so.
Jerry: No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.
New scene. George and Cheryl are at Isabella's. George (tasting the wine): Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about. Cheryl laughs. George: Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.
Elaine: Why? George: Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one.
Just then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table. Jerry: Look who's here! Georgie-boy!
Jerry: I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone.
What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?
George: She might not be comfortable. Elaine: No, I talked him into it. Elaine: Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly. Jerry: We'll be funny.
George: What happened to the auto show? Jerry: Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model.
Elaine: The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the 21st century.
Elaine: Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued. Cheryl: Oh? What happened?
Jerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry and Elaine away from their table.
Elaine: Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the light and I knocked over the delivery boy.
Elaine (to Cheryl, who's rising to shake her outstretched hand): Hi.
Cheryl: Was he Chinese?
George: Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry (shaking hands in turn): Hi, nice to meet you.
Cheryl: Is your last name Benes? Jerry: How did you know?
Cheryl: Would you like to join us? Cheryl: Ping is my cousin! George: Oh no no no, they don't want to join us.
Elaine: No!
Cheryl: Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly.
Jerry: That's so funny!
Elaine: Ok, well why don't we just put these two tables together?
Cheryl: I'm handling his case! Elaine: What? You're Cheryl Fong?
George (as the others are repositioning the tables): No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.
Cheryl: That's right! By now, they're all laughing.
Elaine: Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me--
Elaine: Oh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence!
George: No! No.
Cheryl: Yeah, I know!
Elaine: No George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right?
Elaine: Wow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to win the case?
George (interrupting): You know we should really order, the service is so slow here, by the time you get anything...
Cheryl: Will you excuse me? I have to make a call. Elaine: Tell Ping I said hello.
Jerry: Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open.
funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.
They all laugh as Cheryl walks away. George (suddenly not laughing): What are you doing? What are you doing?
Elaine: This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there? Jerry: I don't have to be funny, I don't care.
Jerry: What? George: You don't? George: This is not good. This is not good. Jerry: What's the matter?
Jerry: No way! It's completely under my control.
George: I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here.
Elaine: No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.
Jerry: Why not?
Jerry: Of course I can, am I being funny now?
Elaine: He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny.
Elaine: A little.
Jerry: Biff?
Jerry: Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?
George: What?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: You're not worried about that?
Jerry: George, is this funny?
George: No, of course not.
George: It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so funny either.
Jerry: I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?
Elaine: What? What did I do? Elaine: He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.
Cheryl returns. George: Hi.
Jerry: Well, should we leave? George: Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very
Jerry (subdued, almost somber): Hello. Welcome back. Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about
it.
Jerry: Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey!
Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right? Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. George: Funny guy, huh?
New scene. Elaine is bringing Jerry's mail to his apartment. Elaine: Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it. Jerry: Well thank you very much, it's about time.
Jerry: I thought you weren't coming back till Monday. Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early. Jerry: Why? Kramer: Uh, well there was an incident. Jerry: What happened? Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth. Jerry: What? Kramer: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week. Elaine: You punched who in the mouth?
Elaine: Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me.
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.
Jerry: Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money.
Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
Elaine: Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune. Jerry (leafing through his mail): Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris. They hear a noise from the hallway.
Jerry: What happened?
Jerry: Wow! Joe Pepitone! Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his
pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.
Jerry (running back in): They took Babu away! Elaine: They took Babu away?!
Jerry: You plunked him. Kramer: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Jerry: Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What a shame. Babu (calling from the street): Jerry! Jerry! Help me! Jerry: I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry!
Jerry: Wow, this is incredible!
Kramer: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer.
A voice is heard from the hallway.
Jerry (thumbing through his mail): Uh oh.
Babu: Leave me alone! You can't do this to me!
Elaine: What? Jerry: Well this is interesting.
Jerry: What's going on out there? Elaine: What is it? Babu: What are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very bad mistake, very bad. Jerry: Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back.
Jerry: It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.
Elaine (to Kramer): Yeah, so?
Kramer: Well, doesn't he need that?
Kramer: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, "Mickey! Mickey! What have you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!"
New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.
Elaine: So what'd you do? Kramer: Well, I got the hell out of there.
Jerry: If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing never would have happened.
Elaine: Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up. Jerry: Yeah, so am I being funny now? Elaine: No, actually, you're not being funny now. Jerry: See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey George, look, I'm not funny now. George: No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner. Jerry: Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his Visa's expired.
Jerry: Consummation? I don't think you have enough material.
New scene. Jerry and Cheryl are at the coffee shop. Cheryl: I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky. Jerry (somber): That's wonderful news. Thank you. Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you? Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful. Cheryl: I understand.
George: What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers. Jerry: Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does.
Jerry reaches for the milk for his coffee. Cheryl: I think it's curdled. Jerry: I don't care.
George: Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night. Jerry: Ah, will you stop it already?
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh? Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
George: Jerry, please? Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do? Jerry: How long is this gonna go on? George: Till I'm comfortable.
Jerry: I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've been so helpful.
Jerry: Well, when is that gonna be? George: After consummation.
Elaine (entering as Jerry heads to the register): Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right?
Jerry: Yeah, I'll just pay for this. Elaine: Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth) Hi.
Jerry and Elaine (in unison): Oh, well, you know. Elaine: We try. Jerry: We do what we can.
Cheryl: Hi. Elaine: We do what we can. Elaine: Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping to drop the case. Cheryl: Well, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose.
Babu: The problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it. Jerry: Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.
Elaine (laughing): You're kidding. Cheryl (laughing): No, I'm not.
New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at the Immigration office.
Babu: Comedy shows! You're a very funny man. Jerry: Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full.
Babu: Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!
Babu: Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.
Jerry: You remember Elaine.
Jerry: Oh, I don't want to bother you.
Babu: Yes, yes of course!
Babu: No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good man.
Jerry: Babu!
Elaine: Nice to meet you. Babu: So nice of you both to come. Jerry: Oh, Babu. Babu: No no, you're both very kind, very kind.
Jerry: So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box. Babu: Come again? Jerry: You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail
until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
George: You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.
Elaine: Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.
Cheryl: He never said anything funny.
Babu: You had my Visa application?!
George: He can't not be funny.
Jerry: Well not technically.
Cheryl: No no no, he's dark. And disturbed.
Babu (extremely and suddenly agitated): I kill you!!
George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
Jerry: Well what about her? Babu: I kill both of you!! Jerry: Babu?! Babu: No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man! Jerry: Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act? George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help. Cheryl: I gotta go.
Babu: The wheels are in motion?
George: Well, should I call you later?
Jerry: The wheels are in motion, things are happening!
Cheryl: Please don't.
New scene. George and Cheryl are parked. George: Jerry?
George: But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!
New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.
Cheryl: I'm very attracted to him. Elaine: So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back?
Jerry: I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care of it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah?
Jerry: No. George: Where is he? Jerry: He's in Pakistan.
George: It's George. George: Oh boy. Jerry: C'mon up. Jerry: What do you mean, oh boy? They hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door. Jerry: Babu must be back.
George: Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.
Babu's Brother: Babu, my goodness, what has happened to you?
Jerry: Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported.
Jerry: Where's Babu?
George: What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application.
Babu's Brother: He is in Pakistan! Jerry: That's because she had my mail. Jerry: Who are you? Kramer enters. Babu's Brother: I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to be fixed. Jerry: I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could. Babu's Brother: Then where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu! Elaine (offering a drink): Snapple?
Elaine: Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone to that fantasy camp. Kramer: Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant. Jerry: How could you go in there?
Babu's Brother: No, too fruity.
Kramer: Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside!
Babu's Brother leaves, George enters.
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Jerry: Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa.
Kramer: I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love
George: She didn't help him?
you!" Elaine: So, what did he do? Kramer: Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse. There's a knock on Kramer's door.
Babu: So his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then he came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels were in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent me back here. Babu's Friend: This is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do?
Voice: Kramer? Kramer: Yeah? It's my Chinese food. Ping enters with a bag of food. Elaine: Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit against me.
Babu: I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.
Closing monologue. Ping: Not anymore. Elaine: What? Ping: Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back on. Elaine: Why? Ping: She call you and your friends big liars. You think she nice girl? Wait till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator. She never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. Hasta la vista, baby. Ping exits.
New scene. Babu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in Pakistan.
I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...', can't we just say, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do we have to specify the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.'
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com
The Shoes Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Feb. 7, 2003
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)
SEINFELD Episode no. 56 "The Shoes" (Original air date 4 Feb 1993) Directed by Tom Cherones. Written by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. Guest stars: Bob Balaban (Russell) Gina Hecht (Dana) Anita Barone (Gail) Denise Richards (Molly) Michael Ornstein (Waiter)
Jerry's opening monologue: The basic problem with the beginning of the relationship, I think, is that each person has their own sexual time-table of what should happen when, that the other person knows nothing about. That's why I really think we need some sort of sexual rulebook, where it's written down and agreed upon - sexual, standard, dating procedure. Know what I mean? So if there's any problems, you can go, <takes a small booklet out of his inside pocket> "Look, honey, I'm very sorry, but we've been out three times, and according to Article 7, Section 5, there's got to be some physical contact, as you can see." <Gestures to the booklet.> "Otherwise, I will report you to the board, and they can put out a warrant for an embrace."
Commercial break.
Opening scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment, working on the script for the "Jerry" pilot episode.
GEORGE (thinking): I don't know, what do women say? JERRY: I don't know.
GEORGE (writing on a notepad): Wait a second, wait a second...and then the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it up! I'm sick of cleaning!"
GEORGE: I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy.
JERRY (copying it down and grinning): That's funny, that's funny! "I'm sick of cleaning." That's very funny.
JERRY: You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much.
GEORGE (laughing): I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this! JERRY: Yeah, it's funny!
GEORGE: Alright, forget Elaine. JERRY: Alright. <They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer enters.>
GEORGE: I mean, how funny is this? KRAMER: Hey. JERRY (low voice): It's funny. GEORGE: Hey. GEORGE: I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny! JERRY: It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta finish this today.
JERRY: Hey. KRAMER (to Jerry): You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today. JERRY: Who?
GEORGE: Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist to read. She's smart, I trust her.
KRAMER: Your old flame. Gail Cunningham. JERRY: Did you talk to her?
JERRY: Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine. GEORGE: Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the show yet. We should try and get her into this scene. JERRY: Right, right. Okay. <Writing> Elaine enters. <Thinks> What does she say...?
KRAMER: Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me? I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking, what is my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I ignore her? I mean, what is my responsibility here? JERRY: So what happened?
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, <imitates Gail> "Oh, hi! Kramer!" You know? Like nothing happened! Like she never went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight. JERRY: Yeah, I know about the three dates. KRAMER: You know what I did? I snubbed her. JERRY: What do you mean, you snubbed her? KRAMER: I walked right by her - bffffft never said a word.
ELAINE: I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes. JERRY: Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep track of everybody. George, and the butler, and... ELAINE: You couldn't "keep track" of everybody? JERRY: Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...<confessing> ...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have no idea what it is. ELAINE: You have no idea?
JERRY (smiling): Right by her? KRAMER: Right by her! JERRY (to George, hugs Kramer happily): What you do say about a guy like this, huh! <George applauds.> You are some great friend, I tell ya, snubbed her! <seriously> Not that I condone it. I've never condoned snubbing in my administration. Your loyalty is beyond question. KRAMER: Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky I was in a good mood - coulda been a lot worse.
JERRY: Something derogatory? <Gail enters the coffee shop and walks over to the booth.> GAIL (to Jerry): I thought I'd find you here. JERRY: Well, Gail Cunningham. ELAINE: Hi, Gail. GAIL: Hi, Elaine. <To Jerry> Hey, what is with your friend Kramer? JERRY: Why? GAIL: He snubbed me.
New scene - Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop. Jerry is showing her the script. ELAINE (throws the script at Jerry): I'm not even in here! JERRY: Yeah, I know.
JERRY: Are you sure? GAIL: Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him? JERRY: Nothing. <Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take a bite.> Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. <Takes back the sandwich.>
ELAINE: I thought you were finished.
JERRY: That bothered you?
JERRY: I took two bites, how am I finished? <Elaine coughs.> Plus you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? <Offers Gail the sandwich> Bite?
ELAINE: Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me. JERRY: It did?
GAIL: So, how come? Why did Kramer do that?
ELAINE: Yes! Couldn't you see that?
JERRY: I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction.
JERRY (thinks): No. This is why you're not in the pilot.
GAIL: Well, tell him that I am mad at him. JERRY: Alright. So, where ya cookin' now? GAIL: Pfeiffer's.
New scene - George in a session with Dana, his therapist.
JERRY: Ah, the power lunch crowd.
DANA: Well, George, I think you're beginning to get some perspective on things. I think we're making progress.
GAIL (to Elaine): Nice shoes!
GEORGE: Yeah, I feel like I've grown.
ELAINE: Oh. Thank you.
DANA: Good. So, let's pick up on this next week.
GAIL: Where'd you get 'em? ELAINE (modest): They're um, Botticelli's.
GEORGE: Great. <They both stand.> Oh, by the way, did you get a chance to read the script?
GAIL (impressed): Ooh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm afraid to go in there.
DANA: Yes, yes I did.
ELAINE: Really.
GEORGE (beaming): Well, what'd you think?
JERRY: Would you care to join us?
DANA (unenthusiastic): Uh...it was...good.
GAIL: No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant. <Looks at her watch.> Oh! See ya. <Exits.>
GEORGE: You didn't like it? DANA: Well, no, I -
JERRY: See ya. ELAINE (irritated, imitates Gail): "Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's."
GEORGE: I can't believe this! What was wrong with it? What didn't you like about it?
DANA: It wasn't funny. GEORGE: It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding? DANA: No, I didn't find it funny. GEORGE: You didn't find it funny?! This is what I'm paying for? DANA: Well, that whole storyline about a guy who gets into a car accident, doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be a butler? I didn't really buy that.
GEORGE (immediately, to Elaine): So, you send me to this therapist to help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script. <Tosses the script to Jerry.> What kind of a therapist is that? ELAINE: I guess she didn't think it was funny. GEORGE: Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee! JERRY: I thought your mother's paying for it.
GEORGE: Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...we pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon. DANA: George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism. GEORGE: How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do like that criticism? You know what's funny to me? That diploma up on the wall. That is my idea of "com-med-dee"! You sitting here, telling people what to do. DANA: I think you'd better go. GEORGE: Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' <Heads for the door, then stops.> It's Jerry's fault. He took out all my good lines. He's such a control freak!
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. They're both standing by the door. Elaine enters.
GEORGE: And she slaves to earn every penny. So that someday, I might be able to walk up to a woman and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person." JERRY (to Elaine): You know, he's right. It's not her place to criticize the script, which reminds me - what did you think of it? You never told me. ELAINE: What did I think of it? <Manufactures a cough instead of answering. Kramer enters.> KRAMER (to Jerry): Hey, buddy, I got something to tell ya. <Elaine runs towards to the bathroom in lieu of answering Jerry's question.> JERRY (catches Elaine): Hey, one second, you don't get off that easy. C'mon, tell me what you thought. ELAINE: Well, you know, I...
KRAMER: I just kissed Gail Cunningham. <Jerry turns and looks at Kramer, shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.>
ELAINE: What? Who told you that? KRAMER: Gail Cunningham.
JERRY: You what? KRAMER: Yeah, I kissed her.
ELAINE: I don't understand, why is this woman talking about my shoes? Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?
JERRY: You kissed her? KRAMER: Right on the mouth. JERRY: What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing? KRAMER: Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one! <Laughs.>
KRAMER: Well, you know, we were just talking, and she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's. ELAINE (angrily): "How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!" Did you hear this? <Shoves Jerry and Kramer.> JERRY: So what?
KRAMER: She kissed me back.
ELAINE: So what?! She is talking about my shoes! She is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes! <Storms over to the couch and angrily sits down. Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine from the kitchen, comically puzzled by her outburst...>
JERRY: I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you?
New scene - Gail cooking in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's Restaurant. Elaine marches in.
JERRY: And what did she do?
KRAMER (realizing): Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub! GEORGE: No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased. <Elaine returns from the bathroom.> KRAMER (to Elaine): Ooh, so...I understand you're buying new shoes now at Botticelli's.
ELAINE: Hey! Gail! GAIL: Elaine...! ELAINE: Why are you talking about my shoes? GAIL: What? ELAINE: My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes. GAIL: What are you talking about?
ELAINE: Did you or did you not tell Kramer that I got my shoes at Botticelli's? <A waiter comes over and puts a plate of food on Gail's cutting board.> WAITER: Too spicy. He wants another one. You got that pasta primavera?
RUSSELL: Well, it's my stomach. I think there must have been something in the pasta primavera I had for lunch. JERRY: Where did you eat? RUSSELL: Pfeiffer's. JERRY: Ah. I know the chef there.
GAIL: Look Elaine, I am very busy here. RUSSELL: Yeah. The food's usually terrific. ELAINE: Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh? I wanna know why my footwear is your conversation!
GEORGE: My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They used to use the bouilla-base for a toilet. <Jerry and Russell are shocked.>
GAIL: I am not discussing this. This is insane. RUSSELL: What are you saying? WAITER: You got that pasta primavera? Let's go! <Gail passes the plate to the waiter in front of Elaine. Elaine sneezes on it. The waiter brings the pasta to the dining room and serves it to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC.> Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple.
GEORGE: Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you go in there - stick with the consumee. RUSSELL: Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's going to be here soon.
RUSSELL: Thank you.
JERRY: Oh, you have a daughter?
WAITER: Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch.
RUSSELL: Yeah, she just turned fifteen last week.
New scene - Jerry and George arrive at Dalrymple's apartment to discuss the script. RUSSELL (opening the door): Well, come in. <They shake hands.> Awfully sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet with you this week. JERRY: Are you alright?
GEORGE: Aw, that's a fun age. <Jerry looks at George distastefully.> RUSSELL: Alright. The script. Now, I've read this thing three times...and everytime I read it...<looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.> JERRY: What? RUSSELL: Excuse me for a second. <Gets up and runs to the bathroom.>
GEORGE: Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! <Russell goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.> (To Jerry) Do you think he liked it? <From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving his guts.>
GEORGE: We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't know how he feels about our work. <Russell throws up yet again.>
JERRY: I'm not sure. <The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.> What was that dish he said he had...?
JERRY: I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there. <Russell's daughter Molly enters.>
RUSSELL (from bathroom): Oh God. Oh my god.
MOLLY: Hello. GEORGE: Pasta primavera. JERRY: Hi. JERRY: Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.'
GEORGE: Hi.
GEORGE: No!
MOLLY: I'm Molly.
JERRY: Yeah.
JERRY: I'm Jerry.
RUSSELL (coming out of the bathroom): Really, I'm terribly sorry, it just, uh...all of a sudden it just hit me.
GEORGE: George.
GEORGE: So, you were saying how, um...about the script... RUSSELL: Right. The script. Your script needs some...it needs, um...<looks nauseous again. Gets up and runs to the bathroom a second time.> GEORGE: More jokes? JERRY: Another ending? GEORGE: A different name for the butler? <Russell throws up again.> JERRY: Maybe we should go.
JERRY: We're here discussing our script with your father. GEORGE: He just read it. <Russell vomits again. Jerry and George look ashamed.> MOLLY: Daddy? Are you okay? RUSSELL (from bathroom): Yeah, sweetie. I'm fine. <Molly sits on the back of the chair.> GEORGE: So, you live with your mother, huh? MOLLY: Uh, yeah. GEORGE (to Jerry): Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so
you never know. <Russell comes out of the bathroom.> MOLLY: Daddy, are you alright? What's the matter? RUSSELL: It's just a stomach thing. MOLLY: Yuck. RUSSELL (to Jerry and George): We're going to have to do this some other time, so if you'll give me your number, I'll call you later. <Jerry and George nod. Molly takes her jacket off.> GEORGE: You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself. <Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends over and looks in her backpack. Jerry has a quick look, but George stares, hypnotized. Russell comes up behind George.> RUSSELL (angrily): Get a good look, Costanza?
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. JERRY: What were you doing? GEORGE: Well, it's not my fault. You poked me! JERRY: You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building. GEORGE: It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life.
JERRY: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. GEORGE: All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage. JERRY: That's why I poked. GEORGE: That's why I peeked. <Jerry opens the door to take some trash out, and meets Kramer and Gail in the hallway.> GAIL: Hey! What is with your friend Elaine? JERRY: What? GAIL: She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts complaining that I'm talking about her shoes. KRAMER: Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful. GAIL: I don't want people coming into my kitchen. I think she might have sneezed all over someone's pasta primavera. Someone might have gotten sick because of her. <Kramer and Gail exit.> GEORGE: Pasta primavera? JERRY: Is that what she said? <Kramer pokes his head back in the door.> KRAMER (to Jerry): She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin' me out. JERRY: She is?
KRAMER: She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. <Kramer grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag to George.> JERRY: Hello? Oh, hi Stu. GEORGE (lazily swinging the garbage bag around): From NBC? JERRY: Yeah. What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god....did he give you a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. <hangs up.> Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot. <George drops the bag, shocked.>
weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head. GEORGE: Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't take our calls, we can't get into his office... JERRY: You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there and talk to him. GEORGE: Hey, now you're onto something. JERRY: The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress.
Commercial break. New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. JERRY (to Elaine): If you hadn't gone into her restaurant, this never would have happened. ELAINE: Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes are my business. The two of you shouldn't have been looking at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway! GEORGE: He poked me! JERRY: There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - <mimics nudging someone with an elbow> - cleavage-poke, cleavagepoke...
GEORGE: Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine, but...somebody like Gail, though. ELAINE: What? What do you mean, Gail? <Kramer enters.> KRAMER: Yah-hey. JERRY: Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call me. KRAMER: Alright, I'll call her right now. <Kramer goes back to his apartment.> ELAINE (to George): What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats?
ELAINE: But she was fifteen.
JERRY: Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it... <Kramer comes back.>
JERRY: You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of
KRAMER: She said she'll do it.
JERRY: Beautiful. ELAINE: Seven-and-a-half. KRAMER (points at Elaine's feet): But she wants the shoes.
KRAMER: Eh! Bingo.
ELAINE: What? KRAMER: She says she wants those shoes. ELAINE: She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She is not getting 'em! JERRY: No, come on! I'll buy you another pair! ELAINE: No, these were the last pair of these that they had!
New scene - Gail in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's. She notices Dalrymple being shown to his table. GAIL (hands a plate to another chef): Sauce this. <Goes to the telephone and dials.> Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one more thing...bring the shoes. <Hangs up.> Continuation of last scene - Russell eating at the restaurant. Jerry and George arrive. Jerry hands the shoes to Gail, and they walk over to Russell's table.
JERRY: I'll get you another one just like it! JERRY: Hey! Whattaya know! ELAINE: No, but these were the only really cool ones like this! Don't you see how everybody likes 'em and how everybody talks about 'em? <Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation, sits at the counter unbelievingly.> GEORGE (to Elaine, in a somber tone): Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's my mother. I've been over to the hospital to see her... ELAINE: Oh yeah, because she caught you jer GEORGE: Never mind! ELAINE: Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole thing is ridiculous. How do I even know she wears the same size? KRAMER: Alright, what size are you?
GEORGE: Look who's here! JERRY: Fancy meeting you here! RUSSELL: Oh. Hello. GEORGE (notices Russell's lunch): Pasta primavera! Back on the horse. JERRY: You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't heard from you. GEORGE: Didn't hear anything... JERRY: Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened. RUSSELL: It just didn't seem to be the right project for us right now. <Elaine walks by in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George look at
her as she moves to the table opposite Russell.> So, what were you saying? GEORGE: Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that. I did not leer. <To Jerry> Did I leer?
ELAINE (flirtatiously): Because if you do have a ketchup secret, I would really, really like to know what it is. <Russell is pleased, and smiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.> RUSSELL (to Jerry and George, reconsidering about the pilot): Field of vision, huh?
JERRY: No leer. <Elaine comes over to Russell's table.> Commercial break. ELAINE (to Russell): Excuse me, are you using that ketchup? RUSSELL (not noticing Elaine's cleavage): Uh, no. <Elaine takes the ketchup and goes back to her table.>
New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine having dinner at Pfeiffer's. Gail comes over to the table. GAIL: How's everything?
GEORGE: Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my field of vision, that's merely a happenstance. <Elaine loudly snaps and unfolds her napkin at the next table to get Russell's attention.>
ELAINE: Mmmm.
RUSSELL: Under the circumstances, I don't really feel that we should be in business together. <Elaine comes back over.>
JERRY: Very tasty.
ELAINE: Here's your ketchup back. You know, I had the hardest time trying to get some out. I mean, I just kept pounding and pounding on the bottom of it. Do you have any trouble? RUSSELL (still not noticing Elaine's cleavage): No. ELAINE (leaning forward): Do you have a...ketchup secret? RUSSELL: No, I... <finally notices Elaine>...don't have a ketchup secret. <Smiles.>
JERRY: Really good. GEORGE: This pasta primavera is fabulous.
GAIL: How'd everything go with that NBC guy? GEORGE: Great. JERRY: The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow night. <Gail nods and walks away.> Listen, Elaine, if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...? ELAINE: You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut
dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work. JERRY: Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us. ELAINE: Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley. GEORGE: Well, it's a funny idea. JERRY: It's funny!
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
GEORGE: C'mon, funny is funny. JERRY: Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right? ELAINE: Well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night.
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
JERRY: If you can. Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com GEORGE: Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the way? ELAINE: Bouchard's, on 53rd. <George starts choking on his wine, and attempts to tell Elaine something.> JERRY: I think what he's trying to say is, "get the bouilla-base." <George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.>
End of episode.
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community! The Outing Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
==================================== ==================================== === Originally Aired: Thursday, February 11, 1993, 9:30PM
==================================== ==================================== ====
Allison .............................. Kari Coleman Helen Seinfeld ....................... Liz Sheridan
Production Credits: Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Morty Seinfeld ....................... Barney Martin Estelle Castanza ..................... Estelle Harris
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones
And:
Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman
Sailor ............................... Anthony Mangano
Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Male Nurse ........................... Ben Reed
Written By ........................... Larry Charles
Manager .............................. Lawrence A. Mandley
Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones
Man #1 ............................... Charley Garrett
==================================== ==================================== ====
Scott ................................ Deck McKenzie
Cast:
==================================== ==================================== ====
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)
Man #2 ............................... David Gibbs
Previous episode references: George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDreyfus
==================================== ==================================== ==== Episode 411 - "The Contest"
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards With: Sharon Leonard ....................... Paula Marshall
o The sponge bath scene
==================================== ==================================== ========
% The scene opens with George dropping off his date for the night. She % obviously has had a wonderful evening...
% Opening monologue...
Jerry: I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the
Allison: I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*! George: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!
big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born?
Allison: No... You're *something*.
Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months.
George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and
That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology
hit someone better than me. I'm no good! Allison: You're good. You're *good*!
things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed
George: I'm bad. I'm *bad*! Allison: You're *killing* me!
Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat. % We cut to Monk's where G+J+E are dining (it being a diner, and all). Jerry [End of opening monologue -- Time 0:26]
% is over making a phone call while G+E talk at the table.
George: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself. Jerry: Unbelievable! She's not there. Elaine: Over you? George: What paper does she write for? George: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable? Jerry: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has % Er, George, I don't think that word means what you think it means...
no idea who I am. Elaine: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that...
% Cut to Jerry who is over at the phone trying to get Sharon Leanord at NYU.
Jerry: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately... Elaine: [Proudly] Really?
% Meanwhile, Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for % his birthday. % The camera pans out some so that we can see the three at their table and George: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls". Elaine: I got him a two-line phone.
% a girl sitting with her back to George at the next table. She starts to % become interested in what the people behind her are talking about as Elaine % pops the following philosophical dilemma to her companions:
% Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.
Elaine: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.
Jerry: Living or all time? Elaine: All time. Jerry: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends
% Jerry rolls his eyes and turns away in disbelief while George on the other
with Brezhnev.
% hand addresses Jerry directly:
Elaine: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle? George: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle. Elaine: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree.
George: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. Jerry: [indignantly] What's the matter with you? George: [quietly] C'mon, go along...
% Elaine notices the woman sitting behind George is eavesdropping on their % conversation and discreetly alerts J+G. She decides to add some spice to
Jerry: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goosestepping past me: "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."
% the conversation. The makes sure to say it loud enough so that the spy % at the next table is sure to hear...
% Elaine dismisses Jerry as a big poop for not playing along, and Jerry raises % a topic while the eavesdropper gets up and goes to make a phone call.
Elaine: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you
Jerry: Y'know I hear that all the time. Elaine: Hear what? Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. Elaine: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.
George: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. Jerry: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"?
Jerry: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat. Elaine: And you get along well with women.
George: Yeah, how did you know that? Jerry: You told me that already like two months ago.
George: I guess that leaves me in the clear...
% Meanwhile over at the phone booth, the eavesdropper reveals that she is one % Sharon Leonard and she's calling the newspaper that she got to the diner
% George is obviously disappointed that his name didn't go over "bigger" and he % gets Jerry's opinion on a tres-gauche shirt. Jerry is less than impressed.
% late and missed out on meeting up with Jerry. As she's hanging up, George % and Jerry make a trip to the bathroom (have two guys ever actually gone to % the bathroom together? Hmmmm...)
George: Allison bought it for me. Jerry: How you gonna get out of *that* one? George: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.
% We switch back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry's unpacking groceries (no cereal % to be seen) and George comes in.
% Sharon buzzes and comes up to Jerry's apartment. George decides to stay.
% There's a knock at the door and when Jerry answers it, the two decide if % they've ever met before. It's pretty obvious Sharon remembers Jerry and
George: It looks like it hasn't been washed. Jerry: So *wash* *it*. George: You hear the way he talks to me?
% George as that "funny" couple from Monk's. Jerry hasn't placed her face,
Sharon: You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me...
% however. Sharon is introduced to George and...
% Again, Jerry seems confused as to what Sharon is saying. Something's not Jerry: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?
% quite right... But, before another question can be asked, again George
Sharon: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too. % has a question-- this time for Sharon...
% Sharon asks Jerry if he does anything besides stand-up and when Jerry replies % that he and George are doing a pilot for NBC, Sharon says "oh, so you also % work together." which seems to puzzle Jerry a bit. Before another question % can be asked, George has helped himself to some fruit...
Geroge: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt? Sharon: It's nice. George: Jerry said he didn't like it. Jerry: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K... George: No, you said you didn't like it... Jerry: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or
George: Jerry did you wash this pear? Jerry: Yeah, I washed it.
something?
George: No, I got my own place.
% Bombardier... Open bomb doors. The big one is about to be dropped... % Jerry is about *this* close (picture my thumb and forefinger *really* close
Sharon: So how did you two meet? Jerry: Actually, we met in the gym locker room.
% together) to figuring out what is going on here, when the "question fatale" % is asked:
George: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and
Sharon: And do your parents know? Jerry: Know *what*?
then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever
George: My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...
since.
% George takes a hold of Jerry's leg to stress the point and Sharon, who % obviously thinks she has a real story here now, asks another question:
% It's at this point, I *swear* I heard a big clunk noise in Jerry's head as % his eyes light up like sunbeams. Sherlock Seinfeld has solved the mystery. % (Actually, since he took so long to figure it out he's probably closer to % Encyclopedia Brown than Sherlock Holmes, but I'll give him the benefit of
Sharon: Do you guys live together? Jerry: [quizzically] Live together?
% the doubt. Heck, it usually took the guys on "Three's Company" 25 minutes
% to figure out something this complex...)
George: My *father* is gay...
Jerry: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on
% But alas, our heroes pleas for help have fallen upon deaf ears...
us. I *knew* you looked familiar!
Sharon: Look, I know what I heard. % All three rise from the couch and a rather excited J+G try to explain things % to a very confused reporter.
Jerry: It was a *joke*... George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!
Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that
% Not that that approach was going to work, or anything, but what minute chance % they had of convincing her is blown away as the door bursts open and:
there's anything wrong with that... George: No, of course not... Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...
Kramer: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! George: No!
George: Absolutely... Jerry: No steam! Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends...
Kramer: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!
% We fast forward a couple of hours and Jerry and Elaine are talking in the % apartment. Elaine offers to talk to her and Jerry reveals that he has % convinced her to "think about it" before she prints anything in the NYU
Jerry: Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!
% Elaine can be seen mouthing the word "sh*t" and is, for some reason, not % impressed with the gift. She picks up her purse to leave (good thing she % didn't take off that jacket...):
% paper. And, for some unknown reason, Elaine refuses to take her jacket % off. Kramer enters, graceful as always. Jerry: Hey, where you going? Elaine: I gotta go return something...
Kramer: Happy birthday paruba! Jerry: Today's not my birthday. Kramer: Well, I beg to differ...
% Kramer goes to his apartment and Jerry calls him to try out the phone. And, % as luck would have it, a call comes in on the other line.
% Kramer convinces Jerry it's his birthday and, after Elaine refuses to take % her jacket off again, Kramer presents the big guy with his present.
Sharon: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.
Jerry: Thank you very much, that's great>click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got
Jerry: Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything,
a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?
hold on. >click click click<...
George: Hey. Jerry: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line. George: So, what did she say?
% Obviously, it's best to hear this, but through the whole next part G+J get % into excitable, high-pitch, speed talk. Gotta love it...
Jerry: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back... George: Y'know... I could hear you on the other line...
Kramer: Yello? Jerry: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click< George: "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"!
Jerry: What are you talkin' about?
Jerry: Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!
George: I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?".
George: "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!
Jerry: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?
Jerry: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?
George: Yes, I heard you!
George: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it...
Jerry: Well, maybe she was disconnected. George: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!
Jerry: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own!
% You're not related to the Clavin family, are you George? % We shift to Sharon's apartment where Elaine is paying a visit...
Jerry: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Sharon: Why don't you take a seat?
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
Elaine: Thank-you.
George: Not at all.
Sharon: Why don't you take your coat off?
% Jerry tries to "forcibly remove the coat" in pursuit of some satisfaction. % We shift back to Monk's where E+G+J are having a coffee
% George springs his birthday gift on Jerry.
Elaine: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she
George: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you!
forcibly tried to get me to remove it.
Jerry: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?
Jerry: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either.
George: It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*".
George: Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war! % Perhaps Elaine's gift oozes with some testosterone...
George: No, not at all... Jerry: "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler". [End Act I -- Time 13:54]
% Nope. Unfortunately for Jerry, things are about to get worse. Elaine % notices that there are a couple of guys pointing at Jerry from the other
% Back in the apartment, E+G+J read from _The Post_
% side of the cafe. Jerry goes to investigate. Jerry: "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Jerry: What do you got there? Man #1: _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you.
Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*!
Jerry: "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated % Entrez-vous, Kramer Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"! George: Now everyone's going to think we're gay! Jerry: Not that there's anything wrong with that...
Kramer: I thought we were friends... Jerry: Here we go... Kramer: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?
Jerry: Ma! Jerry: It's not true! Kramer: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...
% And suddenly, it dawns on Castanza:
Jerry: So are you... Kramer: Yeah--
% It's at this point that Kramer, well, "Pulls a Kramer". He does that
George: Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!
% Back at Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld's place, the conversation continues.
% mini-epileptic, losing his balance, "waaaaugh" thing and he retreats to % his apartment, probably to confront his own sexuality. In Jerry's apartment, % the phone rings, George answers.
Mrs. S: Jerry? Jerry: Ma, it's not true! Mr. S: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five!
George: Hello? Mrs. S: George? George: Mrs. Seinfeld?!? Mrs. S: Oh, my God... Jerry: Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma? Mrs. S: Jerry?
Mrs. S: They weren't culottes, they were shorts. Mr. S: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department. Mrs. S: By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry! Mr. S: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!
Jerry: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes! Mrs. S: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.
Mrs. C: Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it. George: Of course not...
% Back at the Metropolitan Hospital Center, George pays his mother a visit. % She seems to be in the same bed from episode ... (yes, that includes the
% In comes a hulking male nurse. He parts the screen and announces:
% thin sheet covering that allowed for that infamous silhouette... Nurse: 6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.
Mrs. C: I open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move...
% Ack! It's deja vu all over again! Except instead of a couple of women
The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!
% behind the screen (as in the "M" episode), there are two guys. George is
Geroge: It's *not* *true*!
% transfixed. Mrs. C. has to scream to get his attention off of the "show"
Mrs. C: Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films. George: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.
% going on beside him. Later, back at Monk's, E+G+J converge yet again. % Jerry informs G+E that Sharon has left a message on his machine. George % has other things on his mind.
George: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner
Jerry: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"...
first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre? % George throws a "hissy fit" and it told to pipe down by a rather bulky manager % Before Jerry can utter his response, a military guy approaches the table.
% from the diner and resolves to take Elaine instead. Elaine then queries % George if Allison has seen the article yet.
Sailor: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to George: No. Just imagine her reaction. know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a
Elaine: Yeah... George: Oh, my God... Jerry: What?
discharge from the service. Thanks. George: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think-*I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!! % And, just as quickly as he appeared, he leaves before Jerry can respond % (Colonel Flagg, anyone?) He does have an answer to George's previous
% So, we flash forward to George dropping off Allison. She is mulling over
% question, though. % the article that George has given her.
[End act II - Time 19:11]
Allison: Yeah? So? George: Yeah so?? Allison: Well this is nice. They mention your name.
% Back at Jerry's apartment, Sharon and Jerry are, well, "making out on the % couch". Apparently, she's all turned around on the subject.
George: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying? Allison: No, what?
Sharon: Oh, can you ever forgive me?
George: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.
Jerry: I dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you...
Allison: You're *gay*?
Sharon: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.
George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.
Jerry: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.
Allison: [matter-of-factly] I don't believe it. George: You don't believe me? Ask Jerry. Allison: I will. George: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very
% But before the love birds can get back into things, the door has burst open.
private person.
% No, it's not Kramer, although Jerry perhaps wishes it were. Yes, George has
Allison: [Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from *Jerry*...
% shown up with Allison to prove he and Jerry's "special relationship".
George: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!
% (again) for an explanation.
Jerry: What!? George: You're with a *woman*! Jerry: I know! What are you doin' here?!?
George: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked,
George: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I
I'm a porno actor.
trusted you!
Allison: *Really*?
Jerry: [forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here! Sharon: What's going on? Allison: Yeah, what's going on? George: Alright, tell her. Go ahead.
% Allison takes George's arm (not quite the reaction he wanted, I'm sure). % Kramer walks by the open door to go to his apartment. He is escorted by
Jerry: Tell her what?
% what appears to be a virile young man. Kramer addresses G+J (and Allison)
George: Y'know. About *us*.
% before he goes into his apartment.
% George has emphasized his point by reaching up and putting his hand in J's
Kramer: We'll see you later...
% hair. Jerry flips out at this point. His arms are flailing about and he's % well, gone loopy. George embraces Jerry to keep it going, but Jerry's not % buying any of it. Sharon leaves, much to Jerry's chagrin. Allison asks
% G+J look disbelievingly at each other, obviously at a loss for words over % Kramer's new, er, interest. Kramer notices this and...
and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the gay Kramer: He's the *phone* man! community. They're probably discriminated against because of that,
% G+J see the light and are visibly relieved...
people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the shirt
Kramer: Not that there's anything wrong with that...
in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume that people that are neat are gay, maybe instead of doin' this: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]", they should
[End of act III - Time 21:39]
vacuum: "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."
% Closing monologue
[End. Time 22:50] Jerry: I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy
==================================== ==================================== =======
<Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
Originally Aired: Thursday, February 18, 1993, 9:30PM
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
==================================== ==================================== ==== Production Credits: Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
Teleplay By .......................... Larry Charles Story By ............................. Bruce Kirschbaum Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones
Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com
The Old Man Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
==================================== ==================================== ==== Episode #418
==================================== ==================================== ==== Cast: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Costanza ...................... Jason Alexander Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDrefus
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards
==================================== ==================================== ====
With: Fill in later... Newman ............................... Wayne Knight Sid Fields ........................... Bill Erwin
==================================== ==================================== ====
Ron .................................. Tobin Bell Quotes and Scene summary: Ben Cantwell ......................... Robert Donley Housekeeper .......................... Lanei Chapman Agency Rep ........................... Victoria Dillard
==================================== ==================================== ==== % Opening monologue Oops...
Tim Fields ........................... Jerry Hauck Mrs. Oliver .......................... Edie McClurg (not credited)
% Open at Monk's, with J+G just sittin' around. Jerry is reading the paper % while George reflects on things...
==================================== ==================================== ==== Previous episode references: ==================================== ==================================== ==== Fill in later... ==================================== ==================================== ==== Net reaction and comments:
George: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like? Jerry: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over... George: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English. Jerry: Yeah, how about a mute?
George: A mute would be good. Jerry: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?
Elaine: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so*
George: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.
*good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I
% George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains
haven't even met the woman yet. George: Volunteer work, huh?
% pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.
Jerry: What're you gonna do down there?
George: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry,
Elaine: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and,
there's a void...
I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and
Jerry: A deep, yawning chasm... it's supposed to make them feel good. George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure? Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
Jerry: That's what I do with him [points at George] % George gives Jerry that "Oh, ha-ha... it is to laugh" look and probes % Elaine further (no, that's not a euphemism for those who are wondering.)
% Elaine enters and greets G+J cheerfully. George: When did you get this idea? Elaine: Hey boys! Jerry: Hey! How you doin'?
Elaine: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on*
Elaine: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.
and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak
George: Start what?
English.
Elaine: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.
Jerry: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?
George: *Really*.
George: And... and anybody can do this?
Agency Rep: Good luck. Elaine: Yup. Jerry: Thank you. George: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit! Elaine: [To Jerry] What about you?
% The rep leaves and G+J compare information sheets... George: Hey, what's your guy's name again? Jerry: Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your
Jerry: Nah, it's not for me. guy? Elaine: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.
George: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?
George: What *kind* of a person are you? Jerry: *We*? No. Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful. % Oh, that's harsh. True, yes. But certainly harsh. We skip forward to % the apartment where a representative from the senior citizens office is
% Enter the "loathsome brute"! Kramer: So what's up, Diggity Dog? Jerry: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.
% giving G+J their information sheets on their volunteer cases. Agency Rep: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that
Kramer: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you. Jerry: What're you talkin' about? Kramer: Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you! Jerry: What?
everyone who participates finds the experience extremely
Kramer: It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money
rewarding. George: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.
laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.
Jerry: Where do you *get* this? Kramer: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth. % Before the K man can get too far into his tale, a commotion is going on % outside the door at Kramer's apartment. Someone's knockin' on his door. Newman: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?
Kramer: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge. % Before Jerry issues a response, George needs his curiousity satisfied. George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman? Newman: I'm a United States postal worker. % Who'd a thunk it?
Kramer: I'm in here. C'mon...
George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a
Jerry: Hello, *Newman*...
gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?
Newman: Sometimes... Jerry: Why *is* that?
Kramer: Well-Jerry: What records?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and
Kramer: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.
coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it
% Kramer and Newman do what I can only assume is some sort of Secret Hand
piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the
% Shake (like the Moose lodge).
more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar
Newman: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used
code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!
records! Kramer: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, oldfashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--
% Newman is restrained by the boys, but on the bright side, Jerry has % allowed K+N to take whatever records they want from his bedroom. We shift
% to the record shop, but the sign says "Bleeker Bob's Records" (Continuity
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it... Newman: I don't like it.
% alert! Continuity alert!) The clerk (presumably Ron) files through K+N's % stash carefully and somehow comes to his total without a calculator:
Ron: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.
Ron: I'll give you five bucks. Kramer: Five bucks??? Newman: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack. Newman: Alright, well be back... *jack*!
Ron: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.
% At the home of Sid Field, Sid sits in an armchair while his housekeeper
Newman: Those records are worth more than five dollars!
% answers the door. Sid is not the jolly fellow one might associate with
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...
% someone of his mellowing years...
Newman: You're gyppin' us!
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
Ron: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes,
Housekeeper: Agency? Jerry: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence? Housekeeper: Sid Fields.
now come on... Kramer: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
% The Housekeeper points over to the E-Z Chair where Sid is sitting. He % welcomes Jerry into his home.
Newman: They follow him like a cult. Sid: What the *Hell* is it? Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America... Ron: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.
Jerry: Mr. Fields? Sid: What!?!
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
% Jerry is in the pocket and he's in trouble. Attempting to avoid the sack
Sid: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*? Jerry: No, no, the-Sid: Who let you in here?
% he scrambles and picks another topic to switch to. There are a couple of % piles of records on top of the TV. Jerry asks about them.
Jerry: The woman, she-Jerry: What's all this stuff? Sid: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...
Sid: Trash. Garbage. Jerry: You're throwin' this out?? Sid: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot. % You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent K-Tel % "classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? % I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also. Jerry: You don't want any of this?
Jerry: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you. Sid: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]
Sid: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*. Jerry: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these. Sid: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family. % They've bonded. Just like in all those buddy-cop movies. This seemingly
Jerry: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm-Sid: I can't read that you fool...
% non-compatible couple have found common ground. They've reached each
% other... Jerry: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee... Sid: With you? I'd rather be dead. % Er, maybe not... Jerry: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an
I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane... Ben: I'm grateful for every moment I have. George: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second-Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the
appointment to get my, um, tonsils out. Sid: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause]
wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake... Ben: I guess I just don't care.
Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!! % At Monk's, George and his charge enjoy a bowl of soup over some, er, light
George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any
% conversation. Ben: No, I feel great for 85.
*sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile
George: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72.
that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!
You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.
% Gee, I can't figure out why but Ben gets up to leave.
Ben: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.
George: Wait a second, where are you going?
George: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my
Ben: Life's too short to waste on you. George: Wait a minute, please--
age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All
Ben: Get out of my way...
% As Ben shoves George out of the way, all of a sudden you just *have* to
Elaine: Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...
% feel a tinge of pain in your heart as you realize George realizes he won't
Mrs. O: Does it bother you?
% be able to talk to Ben anymore...
Elaine: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that
George: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...
bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um,
% ...or maybe he was just being cheap. Regardless, we cut to the apartment
in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you
% of Elaine's senior citizen. It's very dark in the apartment.
want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.
Elaine: Mrs. Oliver?
[END Act I]
Mrs. O: Yes my dear.
% At Jerry's apartment, the kids compare notes on their visits.
% Elaine looks around the room, trying to find Mrs. Oliver. She pans
Jerry: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...
% around and wham-o!! She sees that Mrs. Oliver has a rather, er, um,
Elaine: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the
% unsightly physical problem (to put it mildly).
face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start
Elaine: Ooh!
talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send
Mrs. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright?
you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Mrs. O: It's my goiter, isn't it? Elaine: Did you say goiter? What goiter? Mrs. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.
head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information. Jerry: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.
Elaine: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but
% Kramer and Newman come in, albums in hand...
this is too much to ask. Jerry: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice
Kramer: Well, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...] Jerry: What happened?
disposition than the nut they sent me to. Elaine: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?
Newman: Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.
George: I don't think it's gonna work out...
Kramer: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me
Jerry: Whattya mean?
at that store.
George: He fired me.
Newman: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.
Jerry: He fired you?!? Elaine: *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job? George: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!
Jerry: Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*... Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!
Jerry: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy.
% Elaine relieves herself of the conversation by going to the bathroom...
He's a mean, mean guy. Elaine: I wish I could quit... Jerry: So quit!
Jerry: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al
George: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well.
Jolson, Benny Goodman...
I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??
grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
Jerry: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he
said yeah.
Jerry: Well you said they could come and take the records.
Kramer Okay... Newman: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!
Sid: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage. George: You don't speak *any* English?
Kramer: Yeah... Housekeeper: No English. Jerry: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them
George: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over
all. your body. Kramer: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us. Jerry: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild,
[No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English! Jerry: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--
Stuff... % George peeks up from the magazine he's reading on the couch:
Sid: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.
George: Senegal? Kramer: Now calm down, Mr. Fields... % At Mr. Fields' apartment, George is helping the housekeeper put away % some groceries. He takes this time to get to know her better: George: So you don't speak *any* English at all?
Sid: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little... Kramer: Oooow! He's biting me!
Housekeeper: English? No.
% Kramer's defense mechanism kicks in and when he rips his arm away from
Sid: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?
% Sid's jaws of death, something flies away from the scrum...
Elaine: Uh huh... Sid: My teeth! My teeth! Jerry: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!
Mrs. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--
George: I thought I saw something fly over here...
Elaine: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...
Jerry: Well turn the light on...
Mrs. O: Big, roaming cows--
% George flicks the light switch by the kitchen sink...
Elaine: Cows, well that's fascinating...
Jerry: That's the garbage disposal!
Mrs. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.
Sid: My teeth! You idiots!!!
Elaine: What?
% The boys decide to take Sid to the dentist to get new teeth, or something
Mrs. O: Mohandas. Elaine: Ghandhi?
% but on the way to the cab, somebody forgot to stay with Mr. Fields. They % go back to find him, but they can't, apparently. % % So, we cut to Mrs. Oliver's place where Elaine is sitting, bored out of % her skull through a very pedestrian conversation. She keeps mumbling % to herself throughout Mrs. Oliver's story: Mrs. O: And we would take long automobile trips-Elaine: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun... Mrs. O: Staring out the window--
Mrs. O: Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*-Elaine: You had an affair with Ghandhi? Mrs. O: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together] Elaine: Oh, my God... The Mohatma? % Meanwhile, back at Bleeker Bob's, er, I mean, Ron's on Bleeker, Kramer and % Newman have brought Ron the clerk "something decent". Ron: Twenty bucks. Newman: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Make us. Ron: Well, take it or leave it. Newman: Make us! Newman: Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!
Ron: Oh, I'll make you!
Ron: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her
% As Ron jumps the counter to get at the boys, we cut to Jerry's
you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...
% apartment where it seems he is being lectured...
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap... Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap.
Agency Rep: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop
Ron: Pardon me? Kramer: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...
you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.
Newman: A piece of crap.
Jerry: Yes, but--
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...
% Bzzzt. Saved by the buzzer. Jerry: [Into intercom] Yes?
Newman: I find you extremely ugly. Tim: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son. Ron: *Do* you? Jerry: Alright, c'mon up. Kramer: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour... Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour. Ron: Oh, is that right?
Jerry: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist. Agency Rep: Why were you taking him to the dentist?
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you... Newman: I *loathe* you.
Jerry: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage
Ron: That's it. Get out of my store!
disposal--
Agency Rep: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?
tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight. Newman: It was a real melee.
Jerry: Well, after he bit my friend-Kramer: Yeah, a real brouhaha... Agency Rep: Bit your friend?! % Tim comes into the apartment to temporarily get Jerry off the hook. Tim: What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?! Jerry: I, I'm sorry. Tim: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the
% They inform all that the records are broken, but before Tim can get % *really* out of control, they try to call Mr. Fields at home, but the % line is busy, so they go to his apartment figuring he must be home. As % they all get there, they come upon a rather, er, Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.
apartment!? Jerry: Well, I brought them up there to take his records-Tim: Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is? % Um, about $20? % % Kramer and Newman come into the apartment.
<Spell checking and reformatting by: Mike "The News Guy"> Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Kramer: Hey. Jerry: There you are. Did you find him? Kramer: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts
Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com
The Implant Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
the menu. 'I tell you what, give me the cheesecake, crank me up to nine, and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.'
Opening scene - Sidra on a Stairmaster at the New York Health Club. Jerry enters after his workout w/gymbag in hand. SIDRA: Oh, hi Jerry. JERRY: Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.
Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Oct. 28, 2002.
SIDRA (amused): Really.
Posted on The News Guy(Mike)'s page http://www.geocities.com/tnguym
JERRY: Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.
Written by Peter Mehlman. Directed by Tom Cherones.
SIDRA (stepping off): Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.
Guest Stars: Teri Hatcher (Sidra) Megan Mullally (Betsy) Carol Rosenthal (Airline clerk #1) Donald Bishop (Dr. Allenwood) Tony Amendola (Sal Bass) Kieran Mulroney (Timmy) Peggy Stewart (Aunt May) Bruce E. Morrow (Father Jessup) Susan Beaubian (Airline clerk #2) <IMG SRC=http://tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 >
JERRY: Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right? SIDRA: Thursday night. JERRY: Alright. Elaine walks over to Jerry. ELAINE: Good workout? JERRY (mimics smoking an "after sex cigarette"): Tremendous workout.
Jerry's stand-up: The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just order it off
ELAINE: That's a pretty girl. JERRY: Tremendous girl. ELAINE: She's the one you went out with last night?
ELAINE: Well, that's your problem. JERRY: Yeah. I really like her. ELAINE: You know, uh...they're fake. JERRY: What? Don't say that! ELAINE: Nah! They're fake! JERRY: How do you know? ELAINE: I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian?
JERRY: Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up. ELAINE: Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her in the sauna? JERRY: Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need to know! ELAINE: But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself!
JERRY: I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. <A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.> Hi, how ya doin.' <Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.>
JERRY: Don't be so sure. Look at George he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her.
ELAINE: Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?
JERRY: Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side.
JERRY: Yes, they do! ELAINE: I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man. JERRY: A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room? ELAINE: No. JERRY: Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had seen her naked. ELAINE: I don't want to see her naked. JERRY: Well, I do.
ELAINE: What's his problem?
ELAINE: Wrong side? JERRY: Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left. ELAINE: He can't go left. JERRY: No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right? ELAINE: Nah, we just play defense.
New scene - George and Betsy at Betsy's apartment. George tries to make it to the right-hand side of the couch, but Betsy beats him to it.
GEORGE: Can I ask you a question? Would you mind switching seats? BETSY: Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear <points to her right ear> so, I always try to sit to the right of people. GEORGE: I'll shout. BETSY: Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here. GEORGE: C'mon, c'mon...<stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the left side of the couch.> See, now, is that so bad?
New scene - Elaine at the health club, in the sauna with Sidra and some other women. We hear her thoughts. ELAINE's brain: Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat, beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. <Notices Sidra.> Look at her. I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her? She's got a rack on her chest. <Sidra takes her towel off and lies down.> Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel off! <Looks at Sidra's chest.> Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake.
Cut back to George and Betsy at her apartment. Betsy's still on the phone.
BETSY: What? <The phone rings.> GEORGE (attempting to make a move): No, no, the machine'll get it... BETSY: No, no, it's not on... GEORGE: They'll call back. BETSY: But George, what if it's an emergency? GEORGE: In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three? BETSY: George, please. <Gets up and answers the phone.> Hello? What? <shocked> Oh my god! GEORGE: Alright, maybe four.
BETSY: So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice was so ill, I guess it was really a blessing. <George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves on her. He shrugs, and crosses himself.> Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can. <George waves goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through the air with his hand.> O.k. You, too. Get some sleep. <Betsy looks at George, and he manufactures a completely phony look of sorrow.>
New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. JERRY: You're sure? ELAINE: Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money. JERRY: Well then, that's it. That's the end of that.
ELAINE: What? Just 'cause of that?
JERRY: Real busy now down at the office?
JERRY: Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat!
KRAMER: No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie.
ELAINE: Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference?
ELAINE (laughing): Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, I can see that - you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape.
JERRY: You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril. ELAINE: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you? JERRY: Well, I take it very seriously. ELAINE: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
New scene - Jerry, George and Kramer in the sauna at the health club. GEORGE: I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move. JERRY: You put her on a pedestal. KRAMER: I put them on a dental chair. JERRY: He puts 'em on a dental chair.
<Kramer enters.> KRAMER: Hey. JERRY: Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like.
GEORGE: I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend. KRAMER: Whoo. It's like a sauna in here. GEORGE: That's funny. You're a funny guy.
KRAMER: Well, I know what they feel like. JERRY: You? How do you know? KRAMER: Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months. ELAINE (laughs): I thought you hated Los Angeles. KRAMER: I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away.
JERRY: Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. <To George> So, you goin' to the funeral? GEORGE: Why, you think I should? JERRY: What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're the consolation guy! GEORGE: I'm the consolation guy...?
<Sidra enters the sauna with a friend.> KRAMER: Consolation Guy is big. JERRY: Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you. KRAMER: It's like ten dates in one shot. JERRY: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock! GEORGE: It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive flight.
ELAINE's brain: Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley." SIDRA (to her friend): So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again. ELAINE: Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. SIDRA: Oh, that's o.k. ELAINE: Did he give you a reason?
KRAMER: Why don't you get a "death in the family" fare?
SIDRA: Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.
GEORGE: What? ELAINE: Really? KRAMER: You go to the airlines, you tell them you got a death in the family? They give you 50% off the fare. GEORGE: Really?
SIDRA: He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.
KRAMER: In fact, listen...I'll go down there with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price!
ELAINE: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
<George considers.>
SIDRA: So you can relate?
SIDRA: Yes! How did you know? ELAINE: Oh, I know the type.
ELAINE: Oh, yeah. New scene - Elaine in the sauna again. We hear her thoughts. ELAINE's brain: Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here. Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads.
SIDRA (sits across from Elaine and takes her towel off): You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.
ELAINE: Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. <Gets up to shake Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls "right into them.">
Commercial break. New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. ELAINE: So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her. JERRY: You fell on her? ELAINE: I touched 'em.
JERRY: Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert. ELAINE: Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say they are...spectacular. JERRY: Aw, what are you doin' to me? <puts his head down on the counter.>
New scene - George and Kramer at the airline ticket counter. Kramer is pretending to be grief-stricken. GEORGE (to clerk): You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night.
JERRY: You what? CLERK (to Kramer): Oh, I'm very sorry. ELAINE: I...touched...'em. JERRY: You touched 'em?!
KRAMER: I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but...she knew...
ELAINE: I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself!
CLERK: You poor thing!
JERRY: Wow. ELAINE: Anyway...they're real.
GEORGE: You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there...you sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you.
JERRY: Excuse me?!
CLERK: You're a good friend.
ELAINE: I think they might be real.
GEORGE: I understand you offer a 50%-off 'bereavement' fare...?
JERRY: Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience. ELAINE: I've touched mine!
KRAMER <breaking into tears>: I...I...
CLERK: Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare.
JERRY: So have I. GEORGE: The death certificate? ELAINE: Oh, right...I forgot. <smiles>
CLERK: Yes, yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take advantage. GEORGE: What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?
<Kramer enters.> KRAMER: Hey! JERRY: Hey. George off to Detroit?
CLERK: I know! But it happens. GEORGE: You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight?
KRAMER: Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico. ELAINE: Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy at the health club...that is not Salman Rushdie.
CLERK: That would be $387 round-trip. KRAMER: Pffft - wrong. KRAMER (in a perfectly normal tone of voice): Alright, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh? CLERK: Yes.
New scene - Kramer and Jerry at the health club. They see "Salman Rushdie" talking to Sidra. JERRY: There's Sidra.
Cut back to Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.
KRAMER: There's Salman.
JERRY: I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe!
JERRY: Where?
ELAINE: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em.
JERRY: Talkin' to Sidra?
JERRY: But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable? ELAINE: I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop seeing her!
KRAMER: Talkin' to that woman.
KRAMER: If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman. JERRY: I don't think that's Salman. KRAMER: Well, I don't think they're real. JERRY: If that's Rushdie, they're real. KRAMER: If they're real, that's Rushdie.
JERRY: Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.
JERRY: Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra.
KRAMER: I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman.
AUNT MAY: Oh George, how nice of you to come all this way.
New scene - Kramer and "Salman" sitting in the sauna together.
GEORGE: Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend? This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend.
KRAMER: It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm...back at the desert.
AUNT MAY: Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?
"SALMAN": You've lived in the desert?
BETSY: I'm not very hungry.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast?
AUNT MAY: They have some very nice snacks.
"SALMAN": Yes, I've been there.
FATHER JESSUP: I'm about to get myself a snack.
KRAMER: My name's Kramer.
<Betsy starts to go for a snack.>
"SALMAN" (shakes Kramer's hand): Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer.
GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I will get you a nice snack.
KRAMER: So, uh...what kind of work do you do?
<George goes into the other room and meets Father Jessup.>
"SALMAN": I'm a writer.
FATHER JESSUP: This is my third wake this month. It never gets any easier.
New scene - George and Betsy at Aunt Clarice's wake in Detroit.
GEORGE (loading up his plate with sandwiches): Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean, forget about it. <Starts wolfing down the sandwiches.>
BETSY (to Aunt May): Have you met my boyfriend George? AUNT MAY: No! <shakes George's hand.>
FATHER JESSUP: You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy, we're very appreciative.
BETSY: George, this is Aunt May, and Father Jessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy. <Timmy smiles thinly.> This is my boyfriend, George.
GEORGE: Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this...who would I get the death certificate from?
New scene - Jerry and Kramer entering Jerry's apartment after returning from the health club.
GEORGE: Oh, that would be wonderful. DR. ALLENWOOD: It was very nice meeting you, George.
KRAMER: C'mon Jerry! GEORGE: Likewise. JERRY: Oh, how can you be so sure? KRAMER: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted one fish for another! JERRY: Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon!
<George walks over to the snack table as Timmy watches him from across the room. He takes a chip from the bowl, dips it, takes a bite, and then dips again. Timmy hurriedly comes over.> TIMMY: What are you doing? GEORGE: What?
KRAMER: Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture! JERRY: Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind...
TIMMY: Did...did you just double-dip that chip? GEORGE: Excuse me? TIMMY: You double-dipped the chip!
KRAMER: What, did you ask her? JERRY: I'm gonna find out tonight. KRAMER (nods): Oh, yes indeed...
GEORGE: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about? TIMMY: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. <points at the dip> And you dipped again.
Cut back to George at the wake in Detroit. GEORGE: So...? DR. ALLENWOOD: Why do you need a death certificate? GEORGE: Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto. DR. ALLENWOOD: Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.
TIMMY: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it! GEORGE: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. <takes a chip.> TIMMY: Oh, you don't, huh?
GEORGE: No. <dips the chip> You dip the way you want to dip...<bites the chip> I'll dip the way I want to dip. <dips the chip again.>
SIDRA: Well, a lot of women are having them done.
TIMMY: Gimme the chip! <Grabs George and the chip goes flying.> Gimme the chip! <They struggle in front of the snack table.>
SIDRA: Yeah.
New scene - Night-time; Jerry and Sidra in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY: Really?
JERRY: How do you like that. SIDRA: A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done. JERRY: Aw, you know people.
SIDRA: I don't know what I'm doing here, I must be crazy. <Moves to the couch and sits on the left side. Jerry tries to run over and beat her to it, but doesn't make it. He sits down on the right side.> JERRY: Hey, would you mind switching seats?
SIDRA: It gets a little tiring, it's really none of their business. JERRY: Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh, done that. SIDRA: What do you tell them?
SIDRA: Why? JERRY: Whatever you want me to tell them. JERRY: Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving. SIDRA: O.K....<they switch places.>
SIDRA: Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. <They prepare to kiss. There's a loud bang on the door.> Aren't you going to get that?
JERRY: How ya doin'?
JERRY: No.
SIDRA: Good. How you doin'?
SIDRA: What if it's an emergency?
JERRY: Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts. Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like, chokin' her.
JERRY: Oh, there's no emergency...
SIDRA: I hear that's how she died.
JERRY: Excuse me. <Gets up and answers the door.> Alright, what is it? You're interrupting!
JERRY: Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger.
KRAMER (in hallway): Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!
KRAMER: Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow your bathing suit.
JERRY: Oh. yeah. Alright. <pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then sits next to Sidra on the couch.> So, where were we?
JERRY: This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit?
SIDRA: I was just leaving. JERRY: Right, you were leaving.
KRAMER: Well, I like yours. JERRY: I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't want your...your boys down there. KRAMER: C'mon, what's wrong with my boys? JERRY: Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.
SIDRA: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that. JERRY: That was an accident! SIDRA: I think you're both mentally ill. <leaves, then opens the door again.> And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular. <Sidra leaves.>
KRAMER: Alright, c'mon!
Commercial break.
JERRY: Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. <Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine enters.>
Cut back to an exterior shot of the funeral home in Detroit. We hear the commotion of George and Timmy fighting.
ELAINE: Hi, Jer.
BETSY: Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I never want to see you again!
JERRY: Oh, hi, Elaine. ELAINE: Oh...hi, Sidra SIDRA: Hi...Elaine? <Kramer comes back into the living room.>
DR. ALLENWOOD: Go back to New York! Get out!
New scene of a disheveled George at the airport in Detroit, talking to Clerk no. 2.
JERRY (to Elaine): What are you doing here? ELAINE: I'm looking for Kramer. KRAMER: Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there?
CLERK 2: Alright sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way. GEORGE: Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this.
<Reaches inside his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.> CLERK 2: What's this? GEORGE: That's a picture of me next to the coffin. <We see a photo of George standing next to a coffin.> CLERK 2: Nice try.
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact
The Junior Mints Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
GEORGE: Not even close, huh?
End of episode. Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Oct. 28, 2002. Posted on The News Guy(Mike)'s page http://www.geocities.com/tnguym
==================================== ==================================== ==== Episode #417 Originally Aired: Thursday, March 18, 1993, 9:30PM ==================================== ==================================== ====
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Production Credits: Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones Executive Producer ................... Andrew Scheinman Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Written By ........................... Andy Robin Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones
==================================== ==================================== ====
So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about
Cast:
committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)
you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught,
George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander
get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know
Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDreyfus
some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards
with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning
With:
to the robber next to you and goin' ``Alright, gimme everything you
Mystery Woman ........................ Susan Walters
have, too''.
Roy .................................. Sherman Howard Doctor ............................... Victor RaiderWexler [End monologue -- Time 0:30] ==================================== =========================== % Opening monologue (yes, I taped it this time!)
Jerry: You can't just *have* an adultery-you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment.
% Jerry's apartment, Jerry's unloading groceries.
George: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
Jerry: Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and
% bread recipe?
shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened. George: So when're you gonna see her? Jerry: Tonight. George: What's her name?
George: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school
Jerry: I... don't... know... George: How could you not know her name?
back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.
Jerry: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do
Jerry: Yeah, I did that too.
with a car, or a fish...
George: You remember the, the little bank book, there? Jerry: Sure.
% Jerry interrupts himself to pick up a pile of black driftwood on his % counter...
George: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!
Jerry: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...
Jerry: Wow! George: Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without
% Oops. My mistake. Guess those were bananas. Anybody know a good banana
doing anything...
Jerry: Y'know I have friends who try to base their whole life on that
hands dirty... George: What, the whole apartment?
principle. George: Really? Who? Jerry: Nobody you know...
Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.
George: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse... Jerry: Why don't you put it in the *bank*? % George: The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score! Jerry: *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...
Jerry: What, you rented "Home Alone"? George: Yeah. Jerry: I thought you saw that already... George: No, I saw "Home Alone II".
% The K-Man cometh... Jerry flips him a pack of dishwashing gloves he picked % up for him at the grocery store.
Jerry: Oh, right... But you *hated* it! George: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, do you mind if I watch it here? Jerry: What for?
George: What's with the gloves? Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, I don't want to get my
Jerry: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing
anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing
% audience. I hate that. Did I mention I hate that?
something.
Elaine: Hey Boys-O! % Y'know George, *I* have friends who base their life on *that* principle... % The brute comes back in wearing the gloves Jerry got him. % Jerry and Kramer get up to leave, but there's been a change of plans...
Kramer: I can't work with these! Jerry: What's wrong?
Elaine: Remember Roy, the artist?
Kramer: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...
Jerry: Right, the "triangle" guy. Elaine: Exactly, the "triangle" guy.
Jerry: You said "gloves"... Kramer: No, no, these are too thick.
Jerry: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him? Elaine: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was just a little too... Jerry: Artsy?
Kramer: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"? Elaine: Fat. George: Yeah. The *original*. Jerry: Oh. Elaine: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare. Anyway, % Elaine enters to a fanfare of "Woos" and applause from the studio
he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go
visit him. Elaine: What's with him?
% The three of them agree, particularly since Kramer can seek out some of
Jerry: Y'know a lot of people have asked that...
% those thin medical gloves at the hospital. He goes to get his stuff. % At the Hospital, Elaine and Jerry find the triangle man's room, but it % seems as though something is amiss... Elaine: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favour? Could you go into the room with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm, Elaine: Roy! y'know... interested. Roy: *Elaine*! What a *surprise*. Jerry: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.
Elaine: Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you! You look so...
Elaine: Well... Roy: I've lost some weight... Jerry: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before
Elaine: A *lot* of weight.
to some critical acclaim.
Roy: I know. Elaine: You look ter*rific*. Roy: Thank you. So do you.
% Kramer is ready to go so they're on their way out. Elaine notices George % is staying behind and queries:
% Elaine introduces Jerry (the boyfriend) to Roy: % Oops. Wrong door. Try the next one, KMan...
Elaine: This is... uh... you *really* lost weight. Kramer: Ah, the mother lode! Roy: Thank you.
% Since Elaine has got the "screamin' thigh sweats" goin', Jerry takes it
% Call off the dogs, the hunt is over. Back in Roy's room, Elaine is % sitting on Roy's lap.
% upon himself to be introduced and sticks out his hand.
Elaine: I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't Jerry: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. even get my arms around you... Roy: Yes, I remember.
% While this is going on, Kramer is out in the hallway trying to find his % gloves. He tries a door:
% Y'know there's nothing like some nice words to make you feel all warm n' % gushy inside when you're really ill.
Woman: Waaaaaaaaa!
Elaine: Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose
Jerry: You know I can't get this damn thing to sleep...
weight. Roy: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you. % Oh yeah, did I mention Jerry was playing with a Yo-Yo? % That's a relief. I though he was going to say "liposuction". Elaine: Now listen, tell me something. When are you gettin out of here? Roy: After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks. Elaine: *Get* *out*!
Roy: Next Thursday. Elaine: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...
Roy: Really, it's the truth. Elaine: Jerry, did you hear that? He couldn't eat for weeks... Jerry: That's terrible...
% Um, Jerry (the boyfriend) seems to have a problem with this and the two % exchange in a banter that's only funny if you hear it 'cuz they speak to
Elaine: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you. Roy: You did.
% each other in super-polite, higher-pitched voices.
Jerry: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday? Elaine: No that's the week after.
Doctor: Hi Roy.
Jerry: No, I believe it's next week.
Roy: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.
Elaine: You're wrong.
Jerry: Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world] I *just*
Jerry: No I'm not... learned that. Elaine: Shut up...
% The doctor is at a loss % Kramer comes back in the room with a mitt full o' gloves.
Doctor: I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about Kramer: Pay dirt! tomorrow's operation. Kramer: Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal Elaine: Uh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of our friends.
retractors?
Roy: How do you do?
Doctor: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?
Kramer: I do great.
Kramer: I sure am. Doctor: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor
% Roy's doctor comes into the room.
and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in your friend's procedure.
Kramer: But you *will* use... a retractor.
Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...
Doctor: We have to... Kramer: Mmm-hmm... % He makes it sound so appealing, doesn't he? We skip ahead to Jerry's
% Kramer, you ombudsman you... Maybe his name is "Ralph Nader Kramer"?
% apartment. George is finishing watching the movie and he, uh, has % something in his eye...
Doctor: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's
Jerry: Hey. George: Hi... Jerry: What are doing, you crying??
operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it
George: No...
with them?
Jerry: You crying from "Home Alone"??
Kramer: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
George: The old man got to me.
Jerry: I dunno... Kramer: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts'll be all over the place... Jerry: Yeah, that's true... Kramer: ...They'll saw through bone. [makes saw noises while gesturing over
Jerry: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display George: Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? Jerry: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves and wanted to get home and start working on his floor.
George: So, you gonna buy his art? George: How's the guy? Jerry: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting pretty chummy.
Jerry: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1 900 dollars. George: Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here.
Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.
Have fun with what's-her-name.
George: That's nerve...
Jerry: I will.
Jerry: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants.
George: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing. Jerry: No, it isn't. I can find out. George: Yeah? How?
George: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome". He falls
Jerry: There are ways.
ill; she falls in love. Jerry: You mean Florence Nightingale. George: What'd I say? Clara?
% Later, the mystery woman and Jerry are sitting on the couch...
Jerry: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. George: Clara Barton? What did she do? Jerry: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.
Jerry: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun
George: Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with.
of my name like you wouldn't believe-"Jerry Jerry Dingleberry",
Jerry: Yeah, I think you would.
"Seinsmelled"... Woman: "Seinsmelled"?
Jerry: Yeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
George: Rest... Sest... Hest... Jerry: "Hest"? That's not a name.
Woman: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not
George: What, you should've just asked her. Jerry: I know, I should've asked her. George: What're you gonna do now?
everybody can be as sweet as you are. Jerry: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name. % How can anyone not like him? They embrace...
George: Aretha! Jerry: No... George: Bovary!
Woman: Oh, Jerry...
Jerry: Alright, that's enough.
Jerry: Oh... *you*...
% J+G sit at Monk's later and they're in the middle of a conversation when % we join them...
George: Alright, well you know what you gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license... Jerry: How am I gonna do that? George: When she goes to the bathroom.
George: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest... Jerry: No.
Kramer: Ah, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys
go to the operation with me? Jerry: You asked a date to go to the operation?
% We cut to the operating room at the Hospital where J+K are seated in
Kramer: Yeah... So c'mon, what d'you say?
% the front row of the viewing gallery directly overlooking the table
George: What kind of operation is it? Kramer: Spleenectomy.
% below. There's no glass in front of them, or anything, so they can
George: Isn't that where they remove the--
% look right over the edge.
Kramer: Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Doctor: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal % Yeah George, what if Kramer told you the ending to "Home Alone" before you
organs. Nurse-- retractor.
% finally saw it. % I still don't trust that retractor. Anyway, Kramer gets a box of candy Kramer: C'mon, what d'you say?
% out and starts to munch...
George: Mulva! Jerry: Mulva? Kramer: C'mon, do you wanna go?
Jerry: What are you eating?
Jerry: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll go
Kramer: Junior Mints. Do you want one?
watch them slice this fat bastard up.
Jerry: No... Kramer: I can't see... Psst....
[End Act I -- 9:30] % Kramer motions to a nurse to get out of the way so he can see. Say what % you want about the Loathsome brute, but the man has tact.
% We're at Jerry's apartment where he is obviously relating the day's % events to George.
Jerry: Where'd you get those? Kramer: The machine. You want one? Here, take one.
Jerry: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the
Jerry: I don't want any!
patient!
Kramer: No, they're good!
George: What do you mean "into the patient"?
Jerry: I don't want any! Jerry: Into the patient, *literally*! Kramer: Just take one. George: Into the hole? Jerry: No! Kramer, stop it! Jerry: Yes, the hole! George: Didn't they notice it? Jerry: No! % The two try to force the Junior mint on each other and in the struggle
George: How could they not notice it?!?
% the sweet projectile launches itself into the air towards the operating
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.
% table and, well, in a word: "Bingo".
George: What did they do?
Jerry: That's true. Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!
George: They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?
Jerry: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...
Jerry: Yes! George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things. Jerry: They *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their
% Elaine enters the apartment, looking forlorn and morose...
abdominal cavity! Elaine: Prognosis... negative. Jerry: Prognosis *negative*!? % Kramer enters... Elaine: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled. Kramer: Hey, this wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski
J+K: Oh, my God...
lodge! Jerry: Why did you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint!
Elaine: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive.
Kramer: Well, I didn't believe you. Jerry: How could you not believe me?!? Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's
Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits. George: It's that bleak?
peppermint-- it's *delicious*! Elaine: Mmm...
Kramer: You're not gonna say anything, you got that? Jerry: I'm telling and you can't stop me! % Elaine goes to the bathroom, and George's mind shifts into third...
George: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...
Kramer: You're *not*!!!
% Elaine comes out of the biffy (just in time before J+K resorted to % fisticuffs). George, ever the caring nurturer, does Elaine a favour:
% How can anyone not like him? %
George: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1 900 dollars worth.
% Jerry and Kramer irrationally discuss what they're going to do about % all this. % Later, at the apartment, the Mystery Woman gives Jerry a massage. Jerry: We gotta confess. Kramer: Really? Jerry: Oh yeah, that's the spot... Jerry: Yes! Woman: What're you so tense about? Kramer: We could be tried for murder... Jerry: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb!
Jerry: Oh, nothing really... Just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.
Woman: What? Kramer: Any news? Jerry: Mulva? Woman: Mulva?
Jerry: [whispering] No, you better get out of here. No, wait a second...
Jerry: My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.
Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the
Woman: I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back.
bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then
Jerry: Oh, good idea...
she'll be forced to say her name. Kramer: 10-4. Woman: Oh, hello.
% She comes back suddenly...
Kramer: Hello, I'm Kramer. Woman: Nice to meet you. Kramer: See you later. [He leaves]
Woman: What are you doing? Jerry: Oh, I was just looking for some... gum or... mint. Woman: Oh, I have Junior Mints.
% I think I must have blinked 'cus I missed the introduction.
Jerry: No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you...
Woman: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. % Stealthy Kramer enters the apartment (again!)
Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis. Jerry: Hey, there's a name you don't forget.
George: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment. Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure... % She goes to leave, and George comes in with a couple more movies to % watch at Jerry's (I'm not positive, but I think the movie on top is % "Pretty Woman", in which Jason Alexander plays an evil lawyer (like
Jerry: Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened. George: No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
% there's any other kind). But I digress). Jerry: Why? George: You could get in trouble. Jerry: Look, I gotta try and help the guy. Woman: Oh, hi. George: Hi, I'm George.
George: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number
Woman: Nice to meet you, George.
is up, who are you to interfere!? Jerry: Yes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's
% She leaves...
condition... George: What? What? Jerry: Oh, thats *fantastic*!
George: I gave it a shot... So, any word on the "artiste"? Jerry: No, I haven't heard anything. George: Well, I got my triangles. Jerry: Really...
George: He didn't get better, did he? Jerry: Thank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay! George: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1 900 dollars down the drain.
Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened % Back at the Hospital, Roy is recovering with a heapin' helpin' of
during the operation that staved off that infection. Something
% spaghetti.
beyond science. Something perhaps from above... Kramer: Mint?
Roy: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me
Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.
to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me. George: Oh, that's great. That's great. Kramer: Y'know, art is a great investment.
% Roy has other matters on his mind (not to mention he's eating the plate of % spaghetti like an absolute pig). Old habits die hard, I guess...
Elaine: It's gonna look great in your apartment, George. George: Yes I look forward to many years of looking at the triangles. Well, I'll wait for you outside.
Roy: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday?
Roy: Hey, George... [kiss] Elaine: I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're going to the Poconos on Friday, right honey? [pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend)] Doctor: Y'know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.
Jerry: I don't think so... Elaine: We are... Jerry: I believe we're not...
Jerry: What do you mean? Elaine: [Catching another glimpse of Roy eating] Please can we go to
Woman: I had it autographed for my uncle. the Poconos? Jerry: Yeah, I know... Jerry: Well, I'll think about it... Woman: You don't know my name, do you? Jerry: Yes I do. Woman: What is it? % Back at Jerry's apartment... Jerry: It, uh, rhymes with a female body part. Woman: What is it? Woman: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.
Jerry: Mulva...
Jerry: Really... Woman: And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my
% Oops... She leaves the apartment. Jerry follows and tries again:
playbill. Jerry: Oh, what're you saying, you got her autograph? Woman: Yeah.
Jerry: Gipple?
Jerry: Do you have it with you? Woman: Yeah, it's in my purse. Jerry: Let me see.
% And again:
Woman: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. Woman: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [reads autograph] ...Joseph Puglia...
Jerry: Loleola?
% Nope. He goes back inside and goes to get something out of the % refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light goes on % in Jerry's head and he rushes to the window to catch the Mystery Woman % before she gets out of earshot.
love. ``I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven year old kid can taste the difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally different things when you're seven years old. ``Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower flavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.
Jerry: Oh! Oh! *Delores*!
[End -- Time 18:00] [End Act II -- Time 17:15]
% Closing monologue.
Jerry: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that you
<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online
Search in site
Executive Producer ................... Andrew Scheinman Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com The Smelly Car Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
==================================== ==================================== ==== Episode #422 Originally Aired: Thursday, April 14, 1993, 9:30PM ==================================== ==================================== ====
Written By ........................... Larry David and Peter Mehlman Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones ==================================== ==================================== ==== Cast: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDreyfus Kramer ............................... Michael Richards With: Susan ................................ Heidi Swedberg Restaurateur ......................... Michael Des Barres
Production Credits:
Carl ................................. Nick Backay
Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Allison .............................. Kari Coleman
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones
Hairdresser .......................... Taylor Negron Clerk ................................ Courteney Gains
Car Washer ........................... Raf Mauro Mona ................................. Vieka Davis
==================================== ==================================== ====
Salesman ............................. Robert Noble Fill in later... Wife ................................. Patricia Place Husband .............................. Walt Beaver
==================================== ==================================== ====
==================================== ==================================== ====
The Cereal Report
Previous episode references:
==================================== ==================================== ====
==================================== ==================================== ====
Twelve(!) boxes noted, one of which is definitely Apple Jacks (second from
o Kramer's wood wallpaper ("The Junior Mints")
left), one is Total (third from right), one Quaker product, and one Post
o Return of Susan (George's ex-girlfriend)
product.
o Kramer continues his New York Yankee fascination
==================================== ==================================== ====
o Jerry references Superman *again*. Quotes and Scene summary: o ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' ("The Movie") o Susan details her life with Kramer, including snippets from "The Pitch"
==================================== ==================================== ====
and "The Cheever Letters" o Return of Allison ("The Outing") ==================================== ==================================== ==== Net reaction and comments:
% Opening monologue [Show didn't start until it was a few secs old-- don't % you just *hate* translators that start the show late? I *hate* that...]
Jerry: Is that bothering you? Elaine: No, not at all... Jerry: ...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the
% Amazing resilience, that Elaine has. The valet comes and Jerry gives % him the keys. Elaine has some advice.
doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a
Elaine: Oh, could you please hurry?
date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too.
Jerry: [mockingly] "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've
You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.
become. Elaine: What? What have I become? I haven't "become" anything... Jerry: Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes?
% We open in front of a restaurant ("Kady's") with Jerry and Elaine waiting % for the valet to come and get the keys for Jerry's car. Jerry is amusing
Elaine: I don't want to keep him waiting... Jerry: He'll like you more... Elaine: That's impossible...
% himself by trying to drive Elaine nuts by humming and waving his scarf % in front of her face. % I'll buy that... Anyhoots, an elder married couple saunter by (yes, they
% actually saunter)... Elaine: You never know... Jerry: Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*! Wife: Andrew, why do you have to pick your teeth at the table? Husband: Leave me alone.
% The car arrives. They drive away. Soon, they discover something is
Jerry: Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon...
% definitely amiss...
Jerry: So, where am I dropping you?
Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?
Elaine: His place...
Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I
Jerry: This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop
smell something.
you off at his apartment...
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: *And* he gets the rest of my chicken...
Elaine: I think it's B.O.! Jerry: What? Elaine: It's B.O. The *valet* must have had B.O.
% No, that's no cleverly hidden euphemism. Elaine has a doggie bag from
Jerry: It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
% the restaurant.
Elaine: Jerry. It's *B*.*O*. Jerry: But the whole car smells. Elaine: So?
Jerry: So, is tonight "the night"?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it. % Elaine! I can do those things! I can pillage! I can plunder! I
% They each do their best dog impression and stick their heads out the
% can pillage *and* plunder! I can even divide and conquer in a search % algorithm! Oh, never mind...
% window while they're driving. They come back inside. They moan
%
% disgustedly and stick their heads out, again.
% They embrace and kiss, but Carl gets a couple o' whiffs of Elaine's hair,
%
% and, judging by the look on Carl's face, he's not smelling Aussie Scrunch
% We shift to Carl's rather nifty place. % Spray... % Elaine: I can't believe you ski!
% We shift to Champagne video where George is returning a movie with Kramer.
Carl: I'm a great skier. Elaine: Yeah? What else? Carl: Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder...
George: This'll only take a second. Kramer: Yeah, I'm going to poke around...
Elaine: [delightedly] Oh! You "pillage and plunder"? Carl: ...When I travel. Elaine: See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet a man who pillages and plunders! I'm so lucky.
% George goes towards the counter, but he sees a couple of girls holding
% hands browsing for movies (beside of a cardboard display for "A Few Good % Men"-- the irony, the irony...)
Susan: George? George: [to himself] Argh! [to Susan] Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are you doing here?!
George: [to himself] Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A *lesbian* sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that...
% The couple turns around and one of the two is Susan, George's ex-
Susan: Renting a video! What do you got there? George: Oh, ... some stupid movie... Susan: This is Mona.
% George methodically extends his hand for a shake, bit by bit...
% girlfriend!
George: Oh, hi... Mona: Pleasure to meet you. George: [to himself] Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do?
George: Yes. Well... Mona: Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch up.
% George turns around so as not to be recognized, but I'm guessing his Susan: You okay? % distinctive bald head gives him away... George: Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.
Susan: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman. George: Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*! Are you kidding? I think thats fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation!
% Meanwhile, Kramer is practicing his golf swing across from an amused % Mona. They can be seen talking in the background as Susan inspects % George's movie...
I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to? Susan: I *know* who I'm talking to. George: Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never *knew*, uh, that, uh... Susan: I liked women? George: There you go.
Susan: So, what have you got there? George: Oh, I, uh-Susan: Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' George: It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is what it is, actually. Susan: Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh? George: No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's not even *frontal* nudity.
George: So, uh, how long has this been going on?
It's... *sidal* nudity...
Susan: Since you and I broke up. George: Ssssso, after me, you... went that way? Susan: Yeah. George: Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very nice.
Clerk: Next. George: Oh, that's me. Susan: Alright, well... Good seeing you, George. George: Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with the
whole thing, there. % Ah yes, memories of Kramer putting thoughts into Newmans mind while Clerk: Uh, what are you returning? George: [embarrassed pause] ``Rochelle, Rochelle''.
% dealing with Ron (of Ron's Records). Anyway, we cut to the apartment % where Jerry and Elaine are bundling old magazines...
Clerk: Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"... Jerry: So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I
Clerk: Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49. George: $3.49? It says $1.49. Clerk: Well, you didn't rewind it. There's a $2.00 charge for not
figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained*
rewinding. strength throughout the night... George: What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage! Kramer: George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you less to
Elaine: Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car.
keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't
Jerry: What about skunk?
give him the satisfaction.
Elaine: I don't mind skunk.
George: I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again...
Jerry: Horse manure? Elaine: I *loooove* horse manure.
time... Jerry: No. Never. Jerry: Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get
Elaine: Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in the morning. Jerry: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will *always* trade sleep for sex.
the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, and *demand* they pay for it.
% There's a weird edit here like they cut something out... It didn't even
Elaine: Absolutely.
% get a laugh from the audience. Anyway...
Elaine: Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he
Elaine: Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?
tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?
Jerry: Anything's *possible*...
Jerry: It means he's lying. % Bite your tongue! % Elaine: Wow... % Enter K-Man... Jerry: Why? Is that what he told you? Elaine: Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early some
Jerry: What's the matter with you?
Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me!
Kramer: Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life... It's alive! Jerry: Oh yeah, Steinbrenner... Kramer: I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with
Elaine: If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have B.O.! Me!
Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff... Jerry: I know the list... % George buzzes...
% Isn't that McGriff the Crime Dog? Kramer: What happened?
Kramer: What's that smell?
Jerry: What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's
Jerry: What smell?
destroying the lives of everyone in it's path.
Kramer: Ooooh... You stink. Jerry: Whatd'ya mean I stink? Kramer: You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower?
% In the car...
Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in the car!
George: What is that? B.O.?
Elaine: So?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: This is *unbelievable* B.O. Jerry: I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like
Jerry: There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush...
it.
George: So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this? Jerry: No, no. It's the valet guy. George: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism. Jerry: Oh... No, that's ridiculous.
George: Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her. Jerry: Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought...
George: What if her experience with me *drove* her to it? Jerry: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism. % At the restaurant, Jerry, er, refuses to have his car parked by the valet.
George: The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told me she's *never* been with a guy.
Jerry: Here he is... that's the guy! [rolls up window] No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back!
George: Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.!
% Inside, he confronts a snooty restaurant type guy.
George: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source... Jerry: You've gotta smell the car Restaurateur: I'm a busy man
Restaurateur: What do you mean-- "stunk up"? Jerry: I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink?
Jerry: C'mon! One whiff! Restaurateur: Alright, one whiff...
George: Stinks. Jerry: Stinks! Restaurateur: Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has the odour...
% Inside the car, the restaurateur realizes there is some reality in Jerry's % story...
Jerry: Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy! Restaurateur: Really? Well, I smell you now. Jerry: That's from the car!
Restaurateur: Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you
Restaurateur: Well, maybe *you're* the one who stunk up the car, rather
let me out!
than the car stinking up you!
Jerry: Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?
George: Oh, it's the chicken and the egg...
Restaurateur: Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars!
Jerry: Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse. Restaurateur: I don't have time to smell cars.
% Jerry keeps him inside until he agrees to pay half ($125). To his horror,
% George discovers that some sick individual has stolen ``Rochelle,
Carl: That's a relief...
% Rochelle'' from the dash of the car while they were inside. He asks the % restaurateur to pay for that, too...
% How do *you* spell "relief"? "B" "B" "O"... Carl recoils from an % embrace from Elaine...
Restaurateur: I'm not paying for *that*. They've already got my seven dollars... [sarcastically] "...erotic journey from Milan to
Elaine: What? Carl: It's still there...
Minsk"... Elaine: No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated!
% Hmm... $7.00. At $1.49/night, I'm guessing he's had it for 4 nights, % Elaine corners the poor guy... % plus $1 for only rewinding it halfway... % % We cut to the video store where George tells the clerk about the video. Carl: The valet had such bad B.O.?
% Susan shows up and George asks her:
Elaine: Oh, man, just *rampant*, **mutant** B.O. The "O" went from the valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...
George: Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.
Clerk: That'll be $98.00. George: What $98.00?
George: Why? That's a *legitimate* sociological question. Susan: I'll see ya. And George, by the way... You stink... Real bad.
Clerk: That's what I said. $98.00. George: It's not me! It's the car! George: How could that piece of *crap* cost $98.00!?
% Cut to Kramer waiting on a street corner... % He borrows $35 from Susan to pay for the movie...
Mona: I didn't think I'd come. George: So, was it me?
Kramer: I knew you would.
Susan: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk to me
Mona: Oh, Kramer!
about? [Gives him the $35] Here. George: Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.
% They embrace. End of Act II. I missed a couple secs at the start of Act
Susan: Yeah, *sure*... I gotta go. George: Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take
% III, but Jerry is standing with the car wash guy. He's informing Jerry % of the treatment that the car is about to endure......
turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work? Susan: You're an idiot.
Car Washer: We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the
spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure
doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce. Elaine: Tomato Sauce?
compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri.
% Jerry doles out his $250 and gets in the April-fresh car...
Jerry: Let's do it. Jerry: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells! % Cut to the hair salon where Elaine hears a similar tale from the % hairdresser.
Hairdresser: The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the
% Elaine visits Carl to present her olfactorywise magnificent hair.
Carl: It still smells.
five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine, and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted
% Jerry explains things to George back at the apartment.
vinegar-- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that Jerry: It still smells!
George: How could it still smell after all that?
Jerry: You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's
Jerry: I don't know!
the beast!
George: Well, what are you gonna do? Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car! George: You're *selling* the car!?
% Outside, a woman's voice is heard screaming and pounding on Kramer's door.
Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be
Susan: Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!
helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can
Jerry: Susan!
get for it.
Susan: Kramer!
George: Maybe I'll buy it.
Jerry: What is going on?
Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This
Susan: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns
is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing!
down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me. George: He stole your girlfriend? Susan: Yes. She's in *love* with him.
% Entrez-vous Elaine...
George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.
Elaine: I still smell! % Kramer waits until George and Susan have left, then calls Jerry on the
% phone, and begins to explain the situation to Jerry (while coming into his % apartment, still on the phone). He realizes his silliness and puts the
% Yes! Anyway, cut to George and Susan at Monk's...
% phone away, but continues the tale, explaining how Mona is a golf % instructor, and how he's already taken six strokes off his game.
George: I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want? Susan: I just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*.
Jerry: That's the *least* of what you've accomplished...
George: Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other girls... Susan: You think so?
% Kramer explains further and borrows Jerry's jacket for his date with
George: Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian.
% Mona that evening. As he's leaving, Elaine asks the inevitable:
Susan: You're very sweet... George: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that
Elaine: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her
woman, I can't get you out of my mind. Susan: Really? George: Yeah, you're just so... hip.
*entire* life-Kramer: I'm Kramer.
% A woman exits the bathroom and approached the table... % Y'know George does have that cherubcupid look to him... Anyhoots, the next George: Oh, my God...
% day, we see Kramer and Jerry at the car lot trying to sell J's car.
Susan: What? George: It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me. Kramer: I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment;
% Despite his hiding, Allison sees George.
it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.
Allison: George? George: Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you?
Salesman: What year did you say this was?
Allison: Good. You know, you owe me $50...
Jerry: '90.
George: Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison. Allison: Nice to meet you... Susan: Nice to meet you...
Kramer: Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.
Allison: That's a beautiful vest... Jerry: That's strange... Susan: Thank you...
Hairdresser: So, what do you want to do? Salesman: How many miles you got on this thing?
Elaine: Sauce me.
Jerry: 23 000.
% In a rough-looking part of town (I didn't know you had those in New York), Kramer: And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm
% Jerry parks in front of a punk, tosses his keys in the car, and leaves,
wearing *your* jacket... Jerry: Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast!
% making it *very* obvious to the guy that the car has got a high steal % quotient. He stops short of screaming "TAKE IT!". The punk gets in,
% Speak of the Devil, the car salesman exits the car with an "Augh!"...
Salesman: I can't sell this car. Jerry: This... **thing**... has got to be stopped!
% and... well, let's just say he doesn't smell potpourri... Cut to the % closing monologue.
Jerry: Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense-- do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad.
% At the salon, Elaine rationally decides her fate to the hairdresser:
This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink.
Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be
Watch Online Search in site
a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd go down to the drugstore and pick up some odourant and perspirant. You'd probably have a dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car.
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com
And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear comin' out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important.
The Handicap Spot Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
[End] ==================================== ==================================== === <Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"> Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References
Transcribed by: Erwin Gerrits Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)
[At the comedy club] Jerry: I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the
bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decisionmaking body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful about divorce: you get impeached and you're not even the president! [Jerry's apartment] George: Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?
Elaine: (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna miss the previews! Jerry (coming out of the bathroom): What's the big hurry? Elaine: Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night? Jerry: Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present. George: I gotta buy a present now? Elaine: Of course you do, it's an engagement party. George: It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake. Jerry: You don't like the Drake? George: Hate the Drake.
Elaine: We don't walk that fast... Elaine: I *love* the Drake. George: No seriously... Jerry: How could you not like the Drake? Elaine: Seriously, we don't. George: Who's the Drake? George: The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see they out there on the street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on their ass.
Elaine: "Who's the Drake"? Jerry: The Drake is good! Elaine: So listen, what are you gonna get him?
Kramer: Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely! George: I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom) Jerry: Elaine, look. I drew this triangle freehand. It's a doodle. It's perfect!
Jerry: You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room.
Elaine: So what? That's easy.
Kramer: No, no! My car's not running.
Jerry: Easy?
(George enters the room from the washroom)
(Kramer enters in his usual way) Jerry: What about your father's car? Elaine: Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake? Kramer: Uh, no, no, not yet. Jerry: Do you like the Drake? Kramer: I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette! Elaine: I'm lukewarm about the Drakette. Kramer: (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle... Jerry: It's Isosceles Kramer: Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer. Elaine: Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.
George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move. Jerry: Are you serious? George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks. Jerry: How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car! George: Good thinking! Jerry: Good to meet you! [George's car]
Jerry: The chip-in! Elaine: So what are we gonna get him? Elaine: Hey, a pretty good idea, huh? Jerry: Yeah!
Jerry: We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in.
George: I like this area. I could live out here. Kramer: Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together. Jerry: Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now. George: Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse me, are you gettin' out? Man in car: No! Kramer: Why don't you take a handicap spot...
George: Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to the "party"! Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty. George: He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they? Elaine: What does that mean? George: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.
George: You think? Kramer: Yeah, go ahead. Elaine: No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot.
Elaine: George!
George: I don't want to walk that far.
George: Oh, come on, it's five minutes.
Elaine: What if a handicapped person needs it?
(pulls into handicap spot)
Kramer: Oh, come on, they don't drive! Jerry: Yes, they do!
Kramer: Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked. Jerry, George, Elaine: Don't worry. We won't forget!
Kramer: Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?
[walking in the parking garage]
Jerry: Well there's spaces there, they must drive!
Jerry: Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price?
Kramer: Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.
Elaine: What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming in 'thank you's...
Elaine: So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?
George: What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger, I'm allover crums...
(man hits George's car in rage)
Jerry: No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake!
Elaine: (to George) Are you happy now?
George: How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us!
Kramer: Who would think these people we're gonna be here?
Elaine: Got to *love* the Drake! Jerry: I don't know... (sound of police cars) Jerry: Hey, what's going on over here?
Elaine: What about the party? What about the Drake?
Elaine: Must have been an accident...
George: Screw the Drake!
(they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by a lot of people)
Jerry: I love the Drake!
Jerry: (to a woman) Hey, what's going on?
Kramer: Let's just take a bus back to the city.
Woman: Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Taken her to St. Elizabeth's...
George: Can't leave the car here!
Jerry: Is she OK?
Everybody: Yeah! Yeah!
Woman: I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. May not get out alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay!
Jerry: Let's get out of here.
Jerry: Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.
Kramer: Why not? George: It's my father's car! Man who hit car ealier: Let's smash it!
[coffee shop] George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here? Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?
Elaine: Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night?
Jerry: Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman!
Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying...
Elaine: Oh, they won't?
George: What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands! Kramer: You'd think... George: I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that? Kramer: Most of them don't even have batteries. George: Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.
Jerry: Not if they don't know you... Elaine: I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea! Kramer: No chance in hell! Jerry: What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started screaming: "There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!" And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car! George: That's good, we'll give it a try... Elaine: That's good... Jerry: That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer! Kramer: Huh?
Kramer: Yeah... [parking garage] George: Well, I'm sorry! Elaine: Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now... George: How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan! Jerry: I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine. Elaine: Me?
(the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to pieces) Jerry: (as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out... [George's parents' house] Frank: Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years!
(Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies)
(giggling)
Frank: A beautiful Mercury! I specialordered that bench seat!
Estelle: Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens... He's a real trouble maker!
George: Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial epiphates at us... I could have been killed!
George: Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it...
Estelle: (to Frank) I told you not to give it to him!
Estelle: He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was nice... I don't know what happened to him...
Frank: (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole thing is a total loss!
(Estelle wins at Mahjongh) [Jerry's apartment]
Mahjongh lady: Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt!
(Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo cookie)
Frank: No it isn't! Mahjongh lady: So what are you doing now, Georgie?
Jerry: (to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!
George: I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC... Elaine: Oh, yeah... Frank: Where the hell is my paper? Mahjongh lady: You're writing a pilot? Estelle: With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the comedian... Mahjongh lady: So what's it about? George: Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be Jerry's butler. Majongh ladies: This is the same situation! Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler!
Jerry: (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat? Elaine: Sure! Jerry: (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you later... bye... Jerry: The Drake is great!
Elaine: Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them.
Jerry: Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.
[George enters] Kramer: Ah, I'm glad you're here. George: What?
[buzzer rings] Jerry: Yes?
Kramer: Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair.
George: It's me.
George: A wheelchair? What for?
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!
[Door opens, Kramer enters] Kramer: Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.
George: Doesn't she have collision? Jerry: St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why? Kramer: George, I'm in love with her! Kramer: Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her. Elaine: You went to see her?
George: Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can get her one.
Kramer: Yeah.
Kramer: No! She needs it now!
Jerry: Wow, what happened?
George: What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in?
Kramer: I'm in love. Kramer: Well... Jerry: What? Elaine: Hey, we told you not to park there! Kramer: Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.
George: Can't we just fix the old one? Kramer: Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along,
we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want? George: Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT NEVER ENDS!
[at Surgical Appliances]
Elaine: My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away or what? The Drake: Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic... (Jerry sits down next to Alison) Jerry: I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight....
Salesman: This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like... you're almost glad to be handicapped.
Elaine: Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh?
Kramer: So now, what's this got?
The Drake: Well, actually... Jerry...
Salesman: Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put Stephen Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.
Elaine: I'm *really* hungry!
Jerry: So where're we eatin'?
The Drake: ... we just broke up... Jerry: When did this happen? The Drake: About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys... whew!
George: How much? Salesman: 6200. George: Do you have something a little more... less expensive?
Jerry (looking at the TV): Look at the picture on this thing... Elaine: Oh, cristal clear! Jerry: They know how to make 'em...
[At the Drake's]
(The Drake starts sobbing)
(The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch)
Elaine: Are there any good Italian restaurants around here?
Jerry and Elaine: Hey Drake! Hi Drake!
The Drake (through his sobbing): Gagliano's... that's pretty good...
Jerry:Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that!
Jerry: Well... we should...
(Kramer sits down, and likes it) Elaine: Get movin'... Kramer: Oh yeah! Jerry: Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best.
(Salesman is laughing)
Elaine: Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison!
Salesman: I tell ya...
(The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control out the door then returns)
(Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his)
Elaine: Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television...
Salesman: When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me why I got into this business in the first place.
[at Surgical Appliances]
George: How much?
Salesman: Alright, this one is about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it, it was owned by some lady who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her cat.
(Kramer crashes into some more wheelchairs) Salesman: How about $240? George & Kramer: We'll take it!
Kramer: But this'll get you around? Salesman: Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of the thrills of the Cougar.
[Jerry's appartment] Elaine: Drake gave her the TV?
George: Like what? Jerry: He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty. Salesman: For example, your tremordamping.
Elaine: Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV!
Kramer: Now what's that? Jerry: I know it is! Salesman: It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's tremors or spasticity. Kramer: Well, is it alright if I try it? Salesman: Hop in!
Elaine: Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake! Jerry: I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get
presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again.
George: Maybe we should call her. Elaine: Well, who's gonna call? Jerry: You are.
Elaine: They don't know anybody in Chicago. Jerry: Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV. (George enters) George: Hey.
Elaine: What? Why is it me who always has to do these things? Jerry: Because that's your thing! Elaine: What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my "thing"?
Jerry: Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up. Jerry: Yeah, that's your thing. George (excited): The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic! Now we get the TV back! It'll help defray some of the cost of the wheelchair.
Elaine: Alright, gimme the phone... it's my "thing"... (Elaine starts dialling)
Jerry: I don't know about defraying. George: Why?
Jerry (to George): You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.
Jerry: We're not gettin' that TV.
George: Really?
George: What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's business.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: The Drakette took it.
(Alison through phone): Hello?
George: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs there's no hers, it should be ours.
Elaine: Alison! Hi, this is Elaine...
Elaine: Well, she has it!
Elaine: Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the Drake...
George (upset): I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake!
George: I could see that...
(Alison through phone): I gave all the gifts to charity.
(Alison though phone): I hate the Drake.
Elaine: Everybody does. Bye-bye....
Lady: On behalf of the United Volunteers of Greater New York, we thank you!
(Elaine hangs up the phone) Elaine: She gave it to charity.
(Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in)
Jerry: Charity?!? That's apalling.
Frank: Well... thank you very much!
George: How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate!
Cop: Mr. Costanza? Frank: Yes?
(Kramer enters) Cop: You're under arrest. Kramer: Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see George, the whole incident was a God blessing! Yeah!
Frank: Under arrest? What for? Cop: Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic code 342-A. Frank: What's that?
George: You mean a blessing in disguise?
Cop: Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go...
Kramer: Yeah....
Frank: George! George!
[At George's parents' place]
[Jerry's appartment]
Lady: And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, who has earned the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer Representative of the Month!
Jerry: Your father got arrested? For what?
(applause)
Jerry: Ho-ly!
Lady: Due to his tireless effort, he personally raised over $22,000. That's a lot of wheelchairs!
George: Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back...
George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.
(applause, door bel rings) Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
George: I agreed to become his butler.
Kramer: Yeesh-jip!
Jerry: What?
George: Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.
(Kramer enters) Jerry: 240 bucks? Jerry: What's the matter? George: Well, it was slightly used... Kramer: It's over! Jerry: Used? Jerry: What's over? Kramer: Me and Lola....
[cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that don't work, screaming]
George: The woman we bought the wheelchair for? [George's parents' place] Kramer: Yeah, she dumped me! (George's vaccuuming) Jerry: She dumped you? Kramer: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus?
Frank (picking up his shoes): I don't think you did such a good job on these... (George turns off the vaccuum)
Jerry & George (hesitatingly): ... no...
George: What!?
Kramer: Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me, look at my face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?
Frank: You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there?
George: ...you're very attractive... Kramer: yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead! Jerry: Drop dead? George: Boy, even I never heard that one... Jerry: She's pretty rough!
(Phone rings) Frank: Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about that?... Right down a hill huh? Okay! Alight! Bye! (hangs up the phone) Frank: George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me (scribbles something on a
piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes.
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?
George: Sons of bitches!
Kramer: What are the chances of that?
Frank: Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it to her.
-End-
George: Big screen TV?
George: What if there is a fire?
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
Frank: Do you think you can handle it?
[At the Drakette's] (knock on door, the Drakette opens) Alison: Yes? George: Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the TV. Alison: Oh great, it's right over there. Kramer: Ooh, it's a big one!
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
{All four inside a delivery van outside the mall) George: Who's got the receipt? Elaine: I do. George: Will they give us cash? Jerry: That's their policy. George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld Tshirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com
Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community!
The Pilot (1) Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by "The Maestro" Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)
JERRY: Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor! KRAMER: Neither are you. JERRY: I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act? KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny. JERRY: My grandmother's in the hospital. KRAMER: Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital!
THE PILOT (1)
JERRY: This is real believable.
[setting: night club]
KRAMER: What you didn't think I was really laughing?
JERRY: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
JERRY: It stinks. KRAMER: Let me see you do it. JERRY: Say something funny. KRAMER: Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely. JERRY: Ah.......... KRAMER: Mine was better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too)
[setting: Jerry's]
(George enters while they're both laughing)
(Jerry is entering his apartment, following by Kramer)
GEORGE: Why are two pretending to be laughing?
KRAMER: Why can't I play Kramer?
JERRY: We're acting. (they stop laughing)
GEORGE: Oh, real good. (George makes a face like: you stink) Any word from NBC? JERRY: No. GEORGE: I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it. KRAMER: (to Jerry) Well at least let me audition. JERRY: (to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot.
ELAINE: That was two months ago. RUSSELL: Yes I know. I just-- I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since that-- that day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret) ELAINE: Russell, you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks up the bowl of munchies on the table) RUSSELL: But I want you.
KRAMER: (to George) Yeah! GEORGE: Out of the question. KRAMER: Oughh! GEORGE: (to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing? (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like: he doesn't know) (scene ends) [setting: Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant] (Elaine and Russell are sitting down at a table) RUSSELL: I really appreciate you coming. ELAINE: Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time though. So... RUSSELL: All right, first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls. It's just-It's just-- (awkward pause) I don't understand, we went out once...
ELAINE: God I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table. Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things (she does). RUSSELL: Is it something I said... or did? ELAINE: Um... Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem. RUSSELL: Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld. ELAINE: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy.
RUSSELL: Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking show.
GEORGE: He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag)
ELAINE: Really? What is it about? RUSSELL: (a little more enthusiast) Well, really, it's very unusual. It's about nothing. ELAINE: (surprised) What do you mean it's about nothing?
(Kramer sits down and starts to talk on the phone) JERRY: (to George) Again with the sweat pants? GEORGE: What? I'm comfortable.
RUSSELL: (starts doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, what did you do today? ELAINE: Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here.
JERRY: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." (George is baffled)
RUSSELL: There's a show. that's a show. ELAINE: Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work (she gets up). So...
KRAMER: (to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other) JERRY: (to Kramer) Who is it?
RUSSELL: (stops doing George, he's down again) Elaine, When--when--when are we gonna see each other again.
KRAMER: That's NBC. JERRY: NBC!?! Give me the phone!
ELAINE: I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her leaving).
KRAMER: I'm in the middle of a conversation here.
(scene ends)
JERRY: Get off the phone!
[setting: Jerry's]
KRAMER: (to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up)
(back to when we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George. Jerry is answering the phone while Kramer is about to go back into his apartment)
JERRY: You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it? KRAMER: Russell Dalrimple's secretary.
JERRY: Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you.
JERRY: All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello
yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up) (to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed)
GEORGE: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?
(scene ends)
GEORGE: What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her)
[setting: Dana's office]
DANA: I'm trying to help you.
GEORGE: What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?
DANA: I think you'd better go.
DANA: That'd be wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful.
GEORGE: Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)
GEORGE: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
(scene ends) [setting: Jerry and George in a cab at a light] JERRY: Where?
DANA: I thought you didn't believe in God? GEORGE: Right here. (showing his lip) GEORGE: I do for the bad things. DANA: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is that on your lip?
JERRY: Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack')
GEORGE: What?
GEORGE: (to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here?
DANA: It's like a discoloration. It's white.
CABBIE: Yeah, it's like a discoloration.
GEORGE: (gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white.
GEORGE: Oh, my God. CABBIE: Yeah, it's all white.
DANA: You'd better get that checked out. GEORGE: Better get that checked out?
GEORGE: (to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white!
DANA: I would.
JERRY: Would you stop?
CABBIE: I would get that checked out if I were you. GEORGE: Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something. JERRY: If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.
GEORGE: (to Jay) What do you think it is? JAY: It's like a... white discoloration. (we understand now why a sitcom needs so many producers) CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. guys, are we ready to start? JERRY: Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here.
GEORGE: Catch what in time? JERRY: Whatever it is. GEORGE: You think it's something? CABBIE: Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers) JERRY: (to George) You know these squeegee-- Oh my God! It's crazy Joe Devola. (they both % )
(George sits down next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and the box of raisins. Jerry walks over to Goerge and sits next to him.) STU: Oh you know I don't know. I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him. He walked right past me. JAY: He must be worried about the fall schedule. STU: Ah, it's a real bear.
JOE DEVOLA: (through the opened window's cab) Good luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls away)
GEORGE: Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna be on TV the following week?
(scene ends)
STU: Yeah. Right.
[setting: NBC]
(the casting director enters with an actor)
(Stu and Jay are sitting. George is standing in front of them, asking about his lip. The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting across from them on a couch. Jerry is in the back, standing and looking through the window. There's a box of raisins on the coffee table.)
CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning for the role of George. (the guy looks very cool and casual, and has a lot of hair)
STU: (to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration.
JERRY: (thinking) They've gotta be kidding.
MARK: Hey how you doing?
GEORGE: (thinking) This guy's perfect.
CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part.
MICHAEL: I just came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. (everyone laugh except George)
MARK: Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? (George is the only one in the room to find Mark funny)
CASTING DIRECTOR: Any questions?
CASTING DIRECTOR: No. Why? MARK: Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the phone now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries". CASTING DIRECTOR: I'm Vandelay Industries? MARK: Right.
MICHAEL: Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser? GEORGE: No, not a loser! CASTING DIRECTOR: Let's start with the second scene. You have it here? MICHAEL: A man gave me a, you know, massage. (everyone laugh except George) CASTING DIRECTOR: So? MICHAEL: Well, he-- he had his hands, you know, and uh, he was, huh, ...
CASTING DIRECTOR: What is that? CASTING DIRECTOR: He was what? MARK: You're in latex. CASTING DIRECTOR: What do I do with latex?
MICHAEL: He was you know... he was touching and rubbing. (loud laughter) CASTING DIRECTOR: That's a massage.
MARK: I don't know, you manufacture it. MICHAEL: I think it moved. (scene cuts) (scene cuts) (the casting director enters with another actor)
(the casting director enters with a beautiful actress)
CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Michael Barth. Another George. (he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses)
CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Melissa Shannon.
ALL: Hi Michael. How you doing?
MELISSA: Hi.
JERRY: Everything all right?
ALL: Hi. How you doing.
CASTING DIRECTOR: Melissa is reading for Elaine.
GEORGE: Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George)
MELISSA: It's like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas.
CASTING DIRECTOR: Let's see some more Kramers.
JERRY: No you didn't. He knows he's bald. MELISSA: So how about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that? (Jerry approves with a nod, George drops his notepad on the coffee table) CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down) JERRY: (getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her.
(We see many short scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or small actors opening the door like Kramer does. Finally enters Tom Pepper, the guy that will get the role of Kramer) ALL: Hi. How you doing? TOM: (to Jerry and very seriously) How you doing? JERRY: (smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good. (scene cuts)
MELISSA: Oh, great. (the casting director leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in front of Melissa and slides the chair very close to her)
(Tom and the casting director are into a scene) CASTING DIRECTOR: What is this about?
JERRY: Alright, want to start?
TOM: (standing) Levels.
MELISSA: Yeah.
CASTING DIRECTOR: Levels?
JERRY: O.K.
TOM: Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building... levels... with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting steps) with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits down) Like Ancient Egypt.
MELISSA: Ahem. What was that look? JERRY: What look? MELISSA: That look you just gave me? JERRY: I gave a look? MELISSA: Yes.
CASTING DIRECTOR: I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that? TOM: Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter, applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee table)
GEORGE: Very nice
STU: Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.
JERRY: Very good
KRAMER: That's true.
GEORGE: Very nice Tom, that was terrific.
(Jerry and George look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer have a shot at it. Kramer unfold the script and smile at Jerry and George, very confident.)
TOM: May I? (pointing the box of raisins) GEORGE: Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins) JERRY: (to George) It was a wonderful reading. GEORGE: Yeah. Really.
KRAMER: (acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom? STU: I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end.
TOM: Well, bye. GEORGE: Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director) STU: Now, I thought he was really good, very funny. JERRY: Yeah, I liked him. GEORGE: What happened to the raisins? JAY: Yeah, there was a box of raisins there!
KRAMER: Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves) (We see Kramer, groaning and holding his stomach, running down the hall, and opening the bathroom's door. Someone in there says: "Sorry buddy, full house." We then see Kramer outside leaving the building and running across the street to a restaurant: "Sorry, customers only" ...running into a movie theater: "Hey you need a ticket!" ...running through the park...)
GEORGE: Did he just steal the raisins? (scene ends) STU: You think he stole them? [setting: Monk's] CASTING DIRECTOR: (enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand. JERRY: (to Kramer) What are you doing here? CASTING DIRECTOR: You two know each other?
(Jerry and Elaine at a booth) ELAINE: So who's playing Elaine? JERRY: Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress. ELAINE: Really?
JERRY: Yes.
ELAINE: Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts)
ELAINE: Who is it? JERRY: She's an eskimo, actually. ELAINE: Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding) JERRY: She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room. ELAINE: Listen, was Russell at the casting?
JERRY: What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them? ELAINE: Ah... JERRY: I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say? ELAINE: Yes, I would say. JERRY: What's going on here. How is that possible?
JERRY: No, he didn't show up. ELAINE: Do you think it's a coincidence? ELAINE: You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful?
JERRY: No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film. (the waitress finally came with the coffee)
JERRY: No. No you're not. ELAINE: Why do I keep setting you up? JERRY: I don't know. ELAINE: (to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow. JERRY: Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management? ELAINE: Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that. JERRY: Beside that. Look at the waitresses.
ELAINE: (to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here? WAITRESS: He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr. Visaki) In fact we're looking for another girl if you know anyone. (she walks away) ELAINE: You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too? JERRY: Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless.
(scene ends)
what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here?"
[setting: doctor's clinic] GEORGE: You see, It's right here. It's all white... DOCTOR: Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this before. GEORGE: You've never seen this before? DOCTOR: I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that. (George grabs the doctor's arm) GEORGE: (dramatically) A what? DOCTOR: A biopsy. GEORGE: A biopsy?
JERRY: Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality. GEORGE: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip) JERRY: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
DOCTOR: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Well I don't know what it is.
GEORGE: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?
(scene ends)
(Kramer enters)
[setting: Jerry's]
JERRY: Hey. What happened to you yesterday?
GEORGE: Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?
GEORGE: A biopsy! KRAMER: I got mugged. JERRY: What did he say? GEORGE: You got mugged? GEORGE: He said he didn't know what it was. JERRY: Alright. So? GEORGE: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's
JERRY: Mugged? KRAMER: Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom.
JERRY: Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building?
ELAINE: What's the matter with him? JERRY: He's a little backed up.
KRAMER: It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and...
ELAINE: Oh... (George gets back from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich from Jerry's hand and sit on the couch.)
(door buzzer)
GEORGE: Elaine.
JERRY: Yeah?
ELAINE: So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop.
ELAINE: It's me. JERRY: Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table) JERRY: Come on up. (Elaine goes into Jerry' bedroom) KRAMER: But now I have a big problem, buddy. JERRY: What is it?
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee in my life.
KRAMER: Well, I waited so long I-- I missed my chance.
ELAINE: So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself.
JERRY: You didn't go?
GEORGE: Apply for a job? What for?
KRAMER: No. And now I can't get it back.
ELAINE: Because, it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirt, untucked)
(George gives back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom)
GEORGE: It's a coincidence. JERRY: The % thing to do is just not think about it.
JERRY: This is what you gonna wear?
KRAMER: How could you not think about it?
ELAINE: Yeah.
(Elaine enters)
JERRY: You're not gonna get the job.
ELAINE: Hey.
ELAINE: Exactly.
KRAMER: (mumbles and leaves)
(phone rings, Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's arm next to George and takes a bite of his sandwich)
JERRY: With her hands.
JERRY: (to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up)
JERRY: Also with her hands.
SANDI: What about pasta?
SANDI: Seriously... I want to experience everything she's experienced.
ELAINE: Who was it? JERRY: Everything? JERRY: TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part. ELAINE: What about the dogs?
SANDI: Everything. JERRY: All right she cuts her pasta with a knife.
JERRY: They're having sex in the hotel room. (scene ends) [setting: Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier] (Jerry and TV Elaine: Sandi Robbins) SANDI: So, the Elaine character is based on someone you know.
SANDI: That's good. What's her favorite movie? JERRY: Shaft. SANDI: You got to get me a picture. What about sex? JERRY: She likes talking during sex. SANDI: Oh... dirty talking?
JERRY: Yes. SANDI: And she's really your ex-girlfriend?
JERRY: No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi-(looking at his watch)
JERRY: Uh, Huh, yeah. SANDI: Elaine. SANDI: I want to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her.
JERRY: What?
JERRY: Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty.
SANDI: Call me Elaine.
SANDI: How would she eat a hamburger?
JERRY: Well--
JERRY: All right. Elaine. SANDI: How does Elaine kiss?
SANDI: Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry)
(scene cuts to Elaine who enters and walks to the manager)
JERRY: Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like--
Mr. VISAKI: (foreign accent) What can I do for you? Would you like a table.
SANDI: Like this? (kisses again but with the spiral)
ELAINE: No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job.
JERRY: I think you got it.
Mr. VISAKI: (looks Elaine up and down) Have you ever waited on tables before.
(scene ends) [setting: Monk's] (Kramer and Tom at a the booth behind the cashier) KRAMER: I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long, and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. (faking to slurp spaghetti) Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You should be writing this stuff down... (waitress comes to take the order) Bran lakes...100%. I got a big problem.
ELAINE: Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified. Mr. VISAKI: I don't think I need anyone else right now. ELAINE: You're in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves) Mr. VISAKI: What? What did I do? (scene ends)
TOM: I'll have a hamburger. That's it. KRAMER: Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf. TOM: This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you. KRAMER: You gotta play him like me. I'm Karmer. TOM: I'm Kramer. KRAMER: Whoa, I'm Kramer.
[setting: The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office] ELAINE: Anyway there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie. FRED: Who's Russ Meyer? ELAINE: Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to say. FRED: Anyway, go on.
ELAINE: Um... Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses, and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and he rejected me. FRED: (to a guy in the hall at the water cooler machine) Paul. Come in for a second. I want you to listen to this. PAUL: (to Elaine) Hi. ELAINE: Hi.
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com
The Pilot (2) Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
FRED: Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring large-breasted women. PAUL: (to Elaine) Really? (Part 1 ends)
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Transcribed by "The Maestro" Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks) [setting: NBC, pilot's set] (Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay, Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers) TOM: What do you mean made up? JERRY: It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish. TOM: You're crazy. JERRY: No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?
MICHAEL: What do you mean Danish? GEORGE: (to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael)
shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines.
JERRY: Danish. Is it from Denmark?
GEORGE: Why is that?
MICHAEL: No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name.
JERRY: I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing?
TOM: I can't believe that. They fooled *me* Jerry.
GEORGE: Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?
RITA: (to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer, smiles stupidly)
JERRY: Why would he steal a box of raisins?
GEORGE: Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling: "take #!") This--This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going: "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more: "They *fooled* me Jerry!". You see the difference?
GEORGE: Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously)
TOM: I'm not gonna say it like that.
RUSSELL: Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second. (he gets up and leaves)
GEORGE: Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy) YELLING GUY: (with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All right everybody, take a five.
(scene cuts to the bleachers with the producers) RITA: (to Jay about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell? RUSSELL: What? RITA: You O.K.?
(scene cuts to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going through their copy of the script) SANDI: What's the matter?
GEORGE: (very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five!
JERRY: Nothing.
JERRY: George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's
SANDI: You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?
JERRY: No. SANDI: Are you breaking up with me?
just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you. TOM: Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins?
JERRY: Are we going out? GEORGE: Oh, no, no-SANDI: You're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying) JERRY: Do you want me to break up with you? SANDI: If that's what you want. JERRY: I don't even know what you're talking about. SANDI: Fine. Break up with me. JERRY: All right. We're broken up. SANDI: (little pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead and wondering what's going on) (scene cuts to George and Tom standing, backstage) GEORGE: Remember when you came to audition for us?
TOM: (angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!? GEORGE: No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously) TOM: Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.? GEORGE: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really. (scene cuts to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with Elaine)
TOM: Yeah. GEORGE: There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left? TOM: What are you talking about? GEORGE: Well we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you--you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was
RUSSELL: (nervously, almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do? Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this. Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him) DAVID: Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry.
RUSSELL: All right. All right. What's your name?
GEORGE: What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.
DAVID: David Richardson. RUSSELL: Get out! You're fired! DAVID: But Mr. Dalrimple-RUSSELL: Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell) What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell leaves)
JERRY: This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind. GEORGE: The guy playing Kramer threatened me. JERRY: Why? GEORGE: 'cause I asked him about the raisins. JERRY: You mentioned the raisins. GEORGE: Oh yeah. JERRY: Did he take 'em?
(scene ends)
GEORGE: I don't know.
[setting: Jerry's]
JERRY: Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em?
GEORGE: The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.
GEORGE: That's what I'm trying to find out. (Kramer enters slowly and carefully)
JERRY: Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying.
JERRY: Hey.
GEORGE: What do you mean?
KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing!
JERRY: Any luck?
GEORGE: Come on you're... uh... you're fine. JERRY: This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this.
KRAMER: No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis. JERRY: What about bran? KRAMER: I tried bran-- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me.
[setting: NBC, pilot's set, the taping] JERRY: Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.
The taping is about to begin. People are walking into the studio.
KRAMER: Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area. JERRY: Oh, it's not that bad!
Jerry is getting a makeup. Michael walks around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated. Rita, Stu and Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing.
GEORGE: Yes it is. George looks at his lip in a mirror. (Elaine enters) ELAINE: Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway. JERRY: (to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night? ELAINE: No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit. JERRY: Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you. ELAINE: Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable.
Tom is sitting in his dressing room, eating the raisins. Elaine walks into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde short-haired wig, and also wearing bold glsasses. Scene cuts to the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded apparatus. Sandi, sitting next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is having her hair done. SANDI: (to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher! Higher! Make a wall! A wall!
JERRY: We need you there!
ASSISTANT DRESSER: Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?
ELAINE: (to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?
JERRY: Try Elaine.
KRAMER: No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves)
ASSISTANT DRESSER: Elaine?
(scene ends)
SANDI: Yes?
(scene cuts to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with her disguise, and a guy behind her taps on her shoulder)
(scene cuts to George on the same phone as Russell earlier)
ELAINE: Oh, right.
GEORGE: This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up)
WILTON: Wow! You know you haven't changed a bit.
(scene cuts to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there)
(scene cuts to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously. He sees Jerry and runs to him)
(scene cuts to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded apparatus)
WILTON: Elaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember?
MICHAEL: I can't remember my lines!!! JERRY: Just relax, you'll be fine. MICHAEL: I can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em! JERRY: You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing! MICHAEL: Help me Jerry! Help me! (scene cuts to the producers in the crowd) RITA: (to Stu) Where is Russell? STU: You know I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it. JAY: He hasn't been well. STU: (to Rita) Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman. RITA: How pathetic.
(scene cuts to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips. Tom is staring at him, George notices him, and aborts a doubledip) GEORGE: (he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh. TOM: How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat? (scene cuts to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd)
PAT HAZELL: Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right. (scene cuts to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus, then closing his bathroom's door.) (scene cuts to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the crowd) JERRY: Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry--
JERRY: No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal? ELAINE: Nah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it. GEORGE: Yeah, me too. JERRY: Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him? ELAINE: No. JERRY: Strange. Even not showing up at the taping... (Kramer enters, singing and dancing)
JOE DEVOLA: (getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and on the stage. The crowd is yelling)
KRAMER: Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!!
(scene ends) JERRY: Well, well, well. [setting: Jerry's] ELAINE: Congratulations. GEORGE: Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin? JERRY: Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln.
KRAMER: Well, thank you. GEORGE: You went for the big "E". KRAMER: Wet and wild.
GEORGE: Really? What does it mean? JERRY: It means: "Death to tyrants".
JERRY: All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start.
GEORGE: I can see that.
KRAMER: Oh, yes.
(Elaine enters)
(Elaine finds something under the couch cushions)
ELAINE: See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already?
ELAINE: Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet.
JERRY: A wallet? Let me see that.
written: "Created by Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza".
ELAINE: Here. ===[Jerry's]=== JERRY: Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time.
(they all applause as the intro ends) ELAINE: Bravo!
GEORGE: Shh! This is it! (Kramer taps George on the shoulder) JERRY: How do you like that? GEORGE: You hurt me. (The show begins. There are three different settings while the show is on TV. Each line or description will be preceded by the right setting:
===[TV]=== (Jerry's apartment, Michael knocks and enters)
[Jerry's] Jerry's apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching the pilot.
MICHAEL: Hey.
[TV] The pilot
JERRY: Hey George.
[Viewers] Characters from the season 4, watching TV in their home and commenting on the pilot.)
MICHAEL: New sneakers?
===[TV]===
MICHAEL: What do you need new sneakers for?
(Jerry's doing his stand-up routine at a comedy club. There's the music theme and we don't hear what he is saying, but the closed captions put that: "I get into a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have any insurance. So the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds like a sitcom, doesn't it?"
JERRY: Yeah.
JERRY: I like sneakers. MICHAEL: How do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day. JERRY: Nah, you're crazy anyway. ===[Viewers]====
We see the title 'Jerry', then, sitting at the comedy club, we see:
***
Micheal, Sandi, and Tom, and finally Jerry, and the four of them make a toast while it's
(Susan and Allison from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn, sitting on a couch)
SUSAN AND ALLSION: (to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael) George!
*** (Ping and Cheryl from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we see sub-titles in English)
*** PING: I can't believe you liked him. (Sid and the housekeeper from 'The Old Man') SID: What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! (the houskeeper starts laughing)
CHERYL: I thought he was dark and disturbed. PING: Real perceptive. ***
*** (John-John and Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is under the bed sheets while John-John is sitting at the end of the bed, with the TV remote in his hands) MARLA: John, what are you doing? Come back to bed.
(Donald and his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm coming off the bubble, between his parents. He doesn't have the TV remote anymore. His parents are laughing) DONALD: This is a piece of crap! MOTHER: Donald, you used to like him.
JOHN: (with a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with?
DONALD: What a sellout! Give me that remote!
MARLA: Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!
MEL: No, Donald.
JOHN: Nevertheless...
(he grabs the remote from his father's hand and the three of them start to fight)
*** ===[Jerry's]=== (The Drake, who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The Handicap Spot'. They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a tiny antenna) THE DRAKE: Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein!
(Jerry is getting a soda from the refrigerator) KRAMER: Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over. JERRY: All right.
ALLSION: Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna)
ELAINE: You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler.
JERRY: Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin.
KRAMER: Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.
ELAINE: Really?
(buzzer, Jerry presses the button)
JERRY: Yeah.
JERRY: Yeah?
===[TV]===
SANDI: (from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.
(doorbell, Jerry opens the door, it's the butler, Charles) JERRY: Hello, Charles. CHARLES: Hello. So, where do you want me to start today? JERRY: Why don't you start in the bedroom? CHARLES: (to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...
JERRY: Come on up. (The butler comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge) CHARLES: I need more Pledge. JERRY: More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house! CHARLES: Well, it goes fast.
(Tom enters) (Sandi enters) TOM: Hey. SANDI: (to Charles, very friendly) Hello. JERRY: Hey. The butler's here. TOM: He is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house.
CHARLES: Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom) JERRY: What's all this about?
JERRY: I'm not sending him to your house. SANDI: We had a date. TOM: Why not? JERRY: Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler.
JERRY: You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler?
TOM: Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do.
SANDI: Why do I need your permission?
JERRY: But I don't want to.
===[Viewers]===
JERRY: Because he's my butler!
(quick shot at [Jerry's] they all watch) *** (Morty and Helen laughing) MORTY: That's terrific! HELEN: How could anyone not like him? ***
JERRY: You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you". (end of the pilot and of the three different settings)
(Calvin Klein with Tia from 'The Pick') [setting: back to Jerry's] C.K.: I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.
ALL: (applauding and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah!
TIA: But he picks his nose. C.K.: Nevertheless...
ELAINE: Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.
*** (Sal Bass and Sidra from 'The Implant') SAL BASS: He's a member of our health club. Isn't he? SIDRA: Yeah... SAL BASS: You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?
JERRY: Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up) ELAINE: That was so good. JERRY: Come on let's eat something. (phone rings) ELAINE: You know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich!
*** GEORGE: Do you really think so? (Newman sleeping and snoring in his chair while a baseball game is on TV)
ELAINE: Oh yeah.
[TV]
GEORGE: And God didn't kill me.
(final monologue at the comedy club)
JERRY: (to the phone) Hello?
JERRY: Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?
RITA: Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson. JERRY: Oh, hi Rita.
RITA: I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network.
ELAINE: I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he? JERRY: No one knows.
JERRY: Oh, my God. Did he get fired? (scnen ends) RITA: To be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared.
[setting: Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler]
JERRY: Russell's disappeared? RITA: In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show. JERRY: You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago!
(Russell with two other guys in the Greenpeace boat) RUSSELL: She works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time, she'll respect me. MAN ON RAFT: You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires)
RITA: Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.
(scene ends)
JERRY: Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up)
[setting: Monk's]
(Jerry and George stare at Elaine)
(The restaurant is full of men, some of them standing and waiting for a table. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enters)
ELAINE: What-- What are you looking at me for? GEORGE: It was you!
JERRY: Hey look at this. What is going on here?
ELAINE: What did I do?
GEORGE: Well, well, well.
JERRY: Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?
ELAINE: Nothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here?
ELAINE: I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault. GEORGE: Yes it is! You're very charming!
GEORGE: A table right here. FRED: Oh no. That's why we're here. We're checking things out. PAUL: Yeah, we're checking it out.
Mr. VISAKI: Peggy! GEORGE: Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve.
ELAINE: (to Paul) You're checking it out? JERRY: What a family! (a man is leaving the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's table) MAN: (to Fred and Paul) See you back at the office, guys.
Mr. VISAKI: My daughter Peggy. GEORGE: Ah! Peggy. Good to see you. ELAINE: Hi Peggy.
Mr. VISAKI: Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows.
GEORGE: Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow?
ELAINE: (to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this!
JERRY: What?
Mr. VISAKI: Get away with what? ELAINE: Ah, "with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike.
KRAMER: You know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea.
Mr. VISAKI: Of course they're alike. They're my daughters.
GEORGE: Are you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts.
(they all show smiles of surprise)
(scene ends)
ELAINE: (embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters.
[setting: Greenpeace raft]
GEORGE: You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki. Mr. VISAKI: Oh, here's a table for you.
GEORGE: Start looking for a job.
(Russell fell off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The other man, still in the boat is screaming to him and holds the rope.) MAN: Keep fighting matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes! I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what
you did out here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye! (we see the script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean)
JERRY: So, what's her name? GEORGE: Karin. JERRY: Is she nice?
(end of the show) GEORGE: Great. JERRY: So you like her? Season 5 (92-93) GEORGE: I think so. The Mango Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
JERRY: You don't know? GEORGE: I can't tell anymore. JERRY: Well do you feel anything? GEORGE: Feel? What's that?
Transcribed by: Michiel Straathof (a.k.a. MHS) of the Netherlands [location: nightclub]
JERRY: All right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot? GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: A female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked 'What did you see after the car went out of control?'. 'I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.
JERRY: You're just straightening up or you're cleaning? GEORGE: Cleaning JERRY: You do the tub? GEORGE: Yeah. JERRY: On your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the whole deal? GEORGE: Yeah. JERRY: Okay, I think you're in love! GEORGE: Tub is love?
[location: Monk's]
JERRY: Tub is love. So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.
JERRY: It's a very complicated area.
GEORGE: Yep. There's one little problem.
GEORGE: You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.
JERRY: Sexual?
JERRY: It's a haaazy mystery.
GEORGE: Yeeeaaah. Well..... I've never really feld confident in..... one particular aspect.
GEORGE: Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking. (Elaine joins them)
JERRY: Below the equator? ELAINE: Who's faking? GEORGE: Yeah. GEORGE: Nothing. JERRY: Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort. GEORGE: I don't know. Last time I got the tap.
ELAINE: Faking what? GEORGE: Nobody's faking. ELAINE: Ah! Orgasm? GEORGE: She's not faking!
JERRY: You got the tap? ELAINE: How do you know? GEORGE: You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through.
GEORGE: I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake? ELAINE: Of course. JERRY: Really?
JERRY: The tap is tough. GEORGE: You faked? GEORGE: It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball. JERRY: Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.
ELAINE: On occasion. JERRY: And the guy never knows? ELAINE: No.
GEORGE: No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.
JERRY: How can he not know that? ELAINE: Because I was gooood.
JERRY: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.
JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
(Jerry and George laugh) ELAINE: You didn't know.
JERRY: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?
JERRY: What?
ELAINE: Uuuhm, all the time.
ELAINE: You didn't know.
JERRY: All the time?!
JERRY: Are you saying...
GEORGE: We got a chocolate malt in here!
(George calls a waitress)
JERRY: But I'm so good.
GEORGE: I think I'll have a piece of cake.
GEORGE: I'm sure you are.
JERRY: With me?
ELAINE: Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then.
ELAINE: Well... JERRY: She faked. JERRY: You faked with me? (George smiles sarcastically) ELAINE: Yeah. JERRY: Maybe they've all been faking. JERRY: You faked with me? ELAINE: I'm sure they're not. ELAINE: Yeah. GEORGE: Maybe Karin is faking. JERRY: No. [location: Jerry's apartment] ELAINE: Yeah. (Kramer is lighting his cigar on the stove) JERRY: You faked it? KRAMER: She was probably joking. ELAINE: I faked it. JERRY: No no, it was no joke. JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
KRAMER: She didn't have any?
ELAINE: Not bad huh?
JERRY: No. None. KRAMER: She faked 'em all.
JERRY: Faked 'em all.
JERRY: I don't know, I'm not really in the mood.
KRAMER: Well so she faked 'em, so what? JERRY: The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury. KRAMER: You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times. JERRY: How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it.
ELAINE: Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you? JERRY: What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast. ELAINE: Nooo, the other thing. JERRY: Oooh that. Well... ELAINE: Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it.
KRAMER: Yeah I could have helped you out.
JERRY: Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty?
JERRY: What could you have done?
ELAINE: Okay.
KRAMER: I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons body.
JERRY: All right.
JERRY: I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.
JERRY: Bye.
ELAINE: All right, see you later.
ELAINE: Bye. KRAMER: Aaaaah. [location: Elaine's office] JERRY: Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her.
(Rene walks passed the office)
(The phone rings)
ELAINE: Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: have you ever... you know... faked it?
KRAMER: Giddy-up. RENE: Yeah, sometimes. (Jerry picks it up) ELAINE: Really, like when? JERRY: Hello... Oh hello Elaine. ELAINE: So we're having dinner tonight?
RENE: Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats.
[location: Joe's] ELAINE: Yeah, well... JOE: So what do you want me to do? RENE: Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep. [location: Jerry's apartment]
KRAMER: I want restitution. JOE: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?
JERRY: I really don't feel like seeing her. KRAMER: Because it's no good. KRAMER: You know, I faked it. JERRY: What?! KRAMER: Yeah. JERRY: You faked it? Why would you do that? KRAMER: Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep. JERRY: Yeah, but why would you... (Kramer spits out his peach) JERRY: Bad peach? KRAMER: It's terrible!
JOE: When you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me. KRAMER: It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit. JOE: I stand behind my fruit. KRAMER: So... JOE: Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him. KRAMER: You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.
JERRY: Did you get that at Joe's? KRAMER: Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's. JERRY: That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best. KRAMER: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this.
JOE: Well let me put a solution for you: do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business. KRAMER: Oh now you don't want my business.
JERRY: You're returning used fruit?
JOE: No, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned!
KRAMER: Jerry this peach is sub par.
KRAMER: But what am I gonna do for fruit?
[location: restaurant] (Karin starts moaning and lights a cigarette after finishing dinner)
ELAINE: Hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie? JERRY: Meryl Streep?
GEORGE: You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. You have a very contented air over there. You look very contented, very satisfied. Are you satisfied? KARIN: I'm very satisfied. GEORGE: I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you? KARIN: I probably would. But then again I'm an enigma. GEORGE: Hey listen... instead of the movie... maybe we'll go back and... you know...
ELAINE: You don't like her? JERRY: Ah, she's okay. ELAINE: I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there. JERRY: Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you? ELAINE: I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this? ELAINE: What's the matter?
KARIN: Maybe. JERRY: Nothing. GEORGE: So... you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... generally okay with everything in there?
ELAINE: You're not still thinking about that are you?
KARIN: Generally.
JERRY: Nooo.
GEORGE: Do you feel the way you feel after the Risotto?
ELAINE: Oh good. JERRY: Give me another shot!
KARIN: No, I feel full after the Risotto. ELAINE: What? GEORGE: Yeah... full. JERRY: Another shot, I want another shot. [location: (another) restaurant] ELAINE: You mean...? (Elaine starts moaning after finishing dinner)
JERRY: Yes!
JERRY: Satisfied?
ELAINE: Oooh no, I don't think so.
ELAINE: No. JERRY: Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it! ELAINE: Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship.
JERRY: Elaine?! ELAINE: No! [location: Karin's bedroom]
JERRY: Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship .
(George indicates that the sex went wrong)
ELAINE: Jerry no, that's important to me.
GEORGE: It's Jerry's fault.
JERRY: We won't ruin the friendship.
KARIN: Jerry?
ELAINE: Yes we will!
GEORGE: Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.
JERRY: Elaine... ELAINE: No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it.
KARIN: Oh I don't care, George, really it's all right. GEORGE: So you feel okay?
JERRY: A half hour, give me a half our.
KARIN: Well, it's not like after the Risotto.
ELAINE: No!
[location: Jerry's car]
JERRY: Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!
JERRY: Well good night.
ELAINE: No!
ELAINE: I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.
JERRY: You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you?
JERRY: Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.
ELAINE: What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care.
ELAINE: Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic).
JERRY: That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it.
JERRY: Oh what, you're upset? ELAINE: Yes I'm upset, can't you tell?
ELAINE: That is so ridiculous. JERRY: No I can't, maybe you're faking. JERRY: Come on, Elaine!
ELAINE: I'm really, really sorry I told you that.
KRAMER: Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now.
JERRY: I'm sorry too.
JERRY: What happened?
ELAINE: Well stop being such a baby.
KRAMER: Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and... well Joe doesn't want my business.
JERRY: You're a baby! ELAINE: You're a baby!
GEORGE: Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?
[location: Jerry's apartment] GEORGE: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.' JERRY: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they? GEORGE: I hate 'em! JERRY: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens. GEORGE: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.
JERRY: No. (And to Kramer:) I told you not to say anything. KRAMER: Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit? JERRY: Well you'll have to go to the supermarket. KRAMER: The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit! JERRY: Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now? GEORGE: Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have? (George leaves the apartment)
(Kramer enters the apartment) (The phone rings, Jerry picks it up) KRAMER: Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit? JERRY: Why can't you get it?
JERRY: Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I just wanted to ask you a question: when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Okay, bye.
(Jerry hangs up the phone) JERRY: Patty Lawrence had 'em! KRAMER: Okay, I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right?
KRAMER: Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside. JERRY: Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside? KRAMER: Oh! And get some plantains.
JERRY: Yeah. JERRY: Plantains? (Jerry makes another call) KRAMER: Yeah. JERRY: Hello Elaine? Patty Lorens had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello?
JERRY: What the hell is a plantain. KRAMER: It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.
[location: outside Joe's]
JERRY: You're not getting any plantains.
JERRY: Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?
(Jerry enters Joe's) JERRY: Hey Joe.
KRAMER: All right now here's the list. JOE: How is it going? JERRY: All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for? KRAMER: I like mangos. JERRY: Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.
JERRY: Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. I don't know let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... ooo, just right... and three plantains ought to do it.
KRAMER: Well they gotta be soft. JERRY: How soft? KRAMER: Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.
JOE: All right, all right, just hold it right there. JERRY: What? JOE: This fruit isn't for you.
JERRY: I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?
JERRY: What, what are you talking about?
JOE: You think I don't know? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer! JERRY: I can't buy mangos and plantains?
GEORGE: I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.
JOE: All right, get out!
(Kramer enters the apartment)
JERRY: You're making a big mistake, Joe!
KRAMER: This mango is delicious!
JOE: I'll tell you something else: I don't what your business anymore either. JERRY: You're saying you're banning me from the store?
GEORGE: That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twentyeight sixty.
JOE: That's exactly what I'm saying.
JERRY: Sorry, I don't have any cash.
JERRY: I'm banned?!
KRAMER: I only got hundreds.
JOE: You're banned.
GEORGE: All right I knew it.
[location: Jerry's apartment]
KRAMER: Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango.
GEORGE: All right, where do you want it? GEORGE: I don't want any mango. JERRY: Put it over there. KRAMER: Come on, take some. It's good. KRAMER: Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, you did good George.
(George tries a piece)
(Kramer leaves the apartment)
GEORGE: Very good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got some terrific fruit.
GEORGE: All right I gotta get going.
(George looks a little weird)
JERRY: What are you doing?
JERRY: What?
GEORGE: I got a date with Karin. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.
GEORGE: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion! KRAMER: I told you.
JERRY: You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.
(George stands still)
JERRY: What is it? GEORGE: I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.
ELAINE: They're next to the fins. You got my cards? JERRY: They're next to the poker chips. (They switch bags)
(Elaine enters the apartment) ELAINE: Hi George.
ELAINE: All right and that just about... does it.
GEORGE: I'm back, baby, I'm back!
JERRY: I guess.
(George leaves the apartment)
ELAINE: Okay, well... see you around.
KRAMER: Want some mango?
JERRY: Yeah, see you.
ELAINE: No, thanks.
(Elaine opens the door and then closes it again)
(Kramer leaves the apartment) JERRY: Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. What brings you here? ELAINE: Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house.
ELAINE: All right, let's go, I give you half an hour. JERRY: What? ELAINE: Come on! JERRY: Are you serious?
JERRY: Oh and I've got some things of yours here.
ELAINE: Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
ELAINE: I know. JERRY: Well I'll get them.
JERRY: Sex... to save the friendship. Well, if we have to...
ELAINE: I'm waiting.
[location: Karin's bedroom]
JERRY: All right. You got my fins?
KARIN: Oh George, oooh.
ELAINE: Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips?
GEORGE: Please, it's not necessary.
JERRY: I got your poker chips. You got my goggles?
KARIN: What do you mean it's not necessary?
GEORGE: The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think? KARIN: What are you talking about? GEORGE: What am I talking about? Come on. You don't think I bought all that?
(Elaine is reading a magazine and Jerry is making desperate noises) JERRY: It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. He got to me. And that orgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure!
KARIN: What, what?
ELAINE: You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?
GEORGE: You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. You really had me going there for a minute.
(Jerry looks like he's got an idea)
KARIN: You think I was faking? GEORGE: Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it. KARIN: I'd like you to leave.
The Puffy Shirt Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
GEORGE: What? KARIN: I said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out.
Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones
GEORGE: But why?
Broadcasted: September 23, 1993 for the first time.
KARIN: Because I said so.
Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,
GEORGE: I can't find my glasses.
Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus (as Elaine), Bryant Gumbel (as
KARIN: Well hurry up. GEORGE: I need to look for my glasses.
himself), Estelle Harris (as Estelle Costanza), Wendel Meldrum (as Leslie),
KARIN: Get out! Get out!! Get out!!!
and Jerry Stiller (as Frank Costanza).
[location: Jerry's bedroom] [Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them move George's stuff back into his parent's house) GEORGE: I can't believe this!
(Kramer stumbles in) KRAMER: Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents?
JERRY: Oh, it won't be for that long. GEORGE: How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me! They're insane! You know that. JERRY: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents. GEORGE: How can you compare you parents to my parents?!
GEORGE: I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank. KRAMER: Well, move in here. JERRY: (Stopping the notion) What's that? KRAMER: Why doesn't he just move in here?
JERRY: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever!
GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet!
GEORGE: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers!
KRAMER: You can move in with me, if you want.
JERRY: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.
GEORGE: (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out.
GEORGE: (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a teehee.. never went 'Ha!'
(Scene ends)
JERRY: A smirk? GEORGE: Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there! JERRY: I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent. GEORGE: No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
[Setting: The Costanza's house] (Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer clumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases) ESTELLE: Careful! Careful with the suitcases! We just painted! KRAMER: Hello, Mrs. Costanza. ESTELLE: Hello, Kramer. Close the door. (They set down George's luggage)
KRAMER: Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door)
KRAMER: Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door)
KRAMER: Yeah. (Exits)
ESTELLE: I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men.
ESTELLE: (To George) How much is there?!
JERRY: I really don't eat it.
GEORGE: (Annoyed) There's more. ESTELLE: So, how are ya, Jerry?
ESTELLE: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building?
JERRY: Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you..
JERRY: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building..
ESTELLE: (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested.
KRAMER: (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else?
JERRY: No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys-
GEORGE: (Muttering) No, that's it.
ESTELLE: More stuff?!
(A horn honks from outside the house) ESTELLE: (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some bologna
KRAMER: Oh, I gotta go move the car. (Leaves)
sandwiches.
JERRY: Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door)
GEORGE: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!
GEORGE: (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going?
ESTELLE: What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich.
JERRY: Yeah. GEORGE: Wha - what are you doing later?
JERRY: No thanks. (Kramer enters with some more suitcases) ESTELLE: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer?
JERRY: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend. GEORGE: Really?
JERRY: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was
(Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend forward, trying to hear what
that?'
she's saying)
GEORGE: Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya?
ELAINE: What's that?
ESTELLE: No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father.
JERRY: Excuse me?
GEORGE: (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.
(She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her. They give up - leaning back in their seats)
JERRY: Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves)
JERRY: Yeah.. yeah.
(George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch. She's staring off into space)
ELAINE: Yep. Yeah..
GEORGE: Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands)
KRAMER: You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer. ELAINE: (Interested) Oh?
(Scene ends) [Setting: A Restaurant] (Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing) ELAINE: Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs)
KRAMER: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear. ELAINE: Oh, a puffy shirt.
JERRY: Right.
JERRY: Puffy.
ELIANE: You remember that?
KRAMER: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-maycare..
KRAMER: Yeah, well, that was a good one. JERRY: Well..
(Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have no clue what she's saying. They lean closer) KRAMER: (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes) ELAINE: Uh, oh! (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday.
[Setting: A Restaurant] ESTELLE: Maybe you should take a civil service test. GEORGE: (Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test. FRANK: Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver dollar? GEORGE: Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.
JERRY: Yeah, that's right! ELAINE: Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the poor, and the homeless..
ELAINE: Why don't you want to take a civil service test? GEORGE: To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do?
JERRY: (Points at Elaine) And the indigent. ELAINE: And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it. (Leslie starts talking. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear her voice)
FRANK: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a silver dollar collection? ESTELLE: I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay check every week.. GEORGE: I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman?
JERRY: Sure. ELAINE: Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.
FRANK: (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia.
(Leslie talks some more) ESTELLE: So what are you gonna do?! JERRY: Uh-huh. ELAINE: Yep.
GEORGE: I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet!
JERRY: Yep.. ELAINE: Mmm (Scene ends)
FRANK: I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. GEORGE: (Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God..
FRANK: I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the waiters attention - starts snapping) Look at him.. He sees us.. he doesn't want to come over.
WOMAN: (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands.
GEORGE: (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air..
WOMAN: They're quite exquisite!
GEORGE: What about them?
GEORGE: They are? ESTELLE: George, where are you going?! GEORGE: (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do. (Scene cuts to the front of the restaurant. George accidentally runs into a woman causing her to drop her purse. Items spill out onto the floor) GEORGE: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things) WOMAN: Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag! GEORGE: (Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me let me help you..
WOMAN: (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling? GEORGE: Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No') WOMAN: (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George) Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off) (Scene ends) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] (George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see) JERRY: (Shrugs) I - I don't get it.
WOMAN: No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her things up) GEORGE: It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So..
GEORGE: Me neither! JERRY: What is it? GEORGE: I don't know. JERRY: They're hands!
(George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from him, then starts to admire his hand) WOMAN: Hmm.. GEORGE: What?
GEORGE: This woman just set me up for a job! JERRY: (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't
see how your hands are any better than my hands.
KRAMER: A hand model?
GEORGE: What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off
JERRY: Yes.
comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand)
GEORGE: (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out. Kramer studies them)
JERRY: Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.
KRAMER: Let's see.. oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine.
GEORGE: This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a
KRAMER: (To George) Really? Let me look at them..
GEORGE: (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going.
noise) I bop into this woman.. JERRY: Oven mitts? (Enter Kramer) KRAMER: Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks)
GEORGE: (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes) Would you mind getting the door?
JERRY: Hey.
KRAMER: Yeah..
KRAMER: Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs)
JERRY: Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George) GEORGE: Thank you very much. (Walks out)
GEORGE: What are you, crazy?! What are you, crazy?!
(Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail)
KRAMER: What?!
KRAMER: (Laughing) But, it's only a toy!
KRAMER: You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting
JERRY: (Explaining) George has become a hand model.
all these orders from boutiques and department stores..
GEORGE: You coulda damaged my hand!
JERRY: Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what? KRAMER: Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover)
JERRY: But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her! KRAMER: (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you.
JERRY: What are you talking about? KRAMER: When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover)
JERRY: I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!
JERRY: (Goes up to it) This?
KRAMER: Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New
KRAMER: Yes!
Jersey is already makin' them!
JERRY: I agreed to wear this?!
JERRY: They're making these?!
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.
KRAMER: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, - this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!
JERRY: But, when did I do that? KRAMER: When we went to dinner the other night.
JERRY: (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate!
JERRY: What are you, crazy?! (Scene ends) KRAMER: What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom?
[Setting: The Costanza house]
JERRY: I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding!
(George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully primping his fingernails)
KRAMER: There you go.
ESTELLE: I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?
JERRY: Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?! KRAMER: Yes, yes! You said it!
FRANK: (Looking up from his paper) Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to?
ESTELLE: (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!
ESTELLE: Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work) Georgie, would you like some Jell-O?
FRANK: You never mentioned them to me! GEORGE: (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board.
FRANK: (To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O) Why'd you put the bananas in there?! ESTELLE: (Yelling) George likes the bananas!
(Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes back to his manicure) ESTELLE: I always talk about your hands how they're so soft and milky white..
FRANK: (Trying to match her tone) So let him have bananas on the side! (George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had enough)
FRANK: No! You never said milky white! ESTELLE: (Getting angry) I said milky white! (A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around his parents) GEORGE: (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! (Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around)
GEORGE: Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the morning - my hands have got to be in tiptop shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum. ESTELLE: (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jell-O? GEORGE: (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off)
ESTELLE: I'm sorry. (Scene ends) GEORGE: You're sorry?! [Setting: A Today Show dressing room] ESTELLE: (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful. GEORGE: (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors)
(Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing through a magazine. There's a knock at the door) KRAMER: Yeah, come in.
(Another moment passes as George primps his hands)
(A Today Show stagehand enters) STAGEHAND: I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes.
KRAMER: Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes! (Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt. He has the expression of extreme resentment) KRAMER: Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Ayye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around
KRAMER: It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what? ELAINE: (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now? JERRY: (Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?'? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why!...End of Volume 2 of 4 F,2
Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic! JERRY: (Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I can't wear this! KRAMER: (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate look. Aye! (A knock at the door, Kramer answers it it's Elaine) KRAMER: Yeah. ELAINE: Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the benefit! KRAMER: Great. (Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt. Then, bursts out laughing hysterically) ELAINE: (Between laughs) What is that?!
Concluzie: Ca eu-is: Copilul de batut... +