3 LOVE SHALL WILL SAVE MANNKIND. Volume 3 of 4. The Seinfeld Day Ramayana Dada Rex CanonPilot & 1 to 6 LDend 1st Real Magical American Novel,
That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna.. swing in on a chandelier! (A knock at the door, Jerry answers)
Felix Rian Const, 2022, June 30 And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her! ELAINE: When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this?
STAGEHAND: (Looking down at a clipboard, enters) Okay, let's go. (Looks up, points at Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're wearing? (Scene ends) [Setting: A photographer's studio]
JERRY: When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom. ELAINE: I didn't hear anything. JERRY: (Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks! ELAINE: (Just now making the matter serious) Well, you can't wear that on the show. KRAMER: (To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening) Elaine, you want to stop? ELAINE: (Turning around to Kramer) WhaWhat? No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out
(George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel at them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards the right wall) MAN: I've never seen hands like these before.. WOMAN: They're so soft and milky white. PHOTOGRAPHER: You know who's hands they remind me of? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney. (The woman nods as the man looks off into space) MAN: Ugh.. Ray. PHOTOGRAPHER: He was it.
dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo! JERRY: (Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak! ELAINE: (Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person!
GEORGE: Who was he? PHOTOGRAPHER: The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he had it all. GEORGE: (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him?
(Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the photographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left to tell George the answer to his
GEORGE: (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating) I won a contest.
question)
(The man nods, unsure of what to say or do)
MAN: (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his
PHOTOGRAPHER: Ok, let's get to work. (Scene ends) [Setting: The Today Show]
one true love.. (Long pause)
(Jerry's in the guest chair, and Bryant Gumbel's in the interviewer's spot. Jerry, visibly, does not want to be there)
GEORGE: You mean, uh..? MAN: Yes. he was not.. master of his domain. GEORGE: (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..? MAN: (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with.. overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the
BRYANT: (Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries - a used clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry) Jerry, good morning. JERRY: (Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant. BRYANT: (Pointing out) And speaking of clothing , that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on.
end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't
JERRY: (Looking down at the shirt) Oh, thank you.
seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's.. until today. You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I.. only hope you have a little more
BRYANT: You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) all kinda "puffed up". (Chuckles)
(Backstage, Kramer's standing with his girlfriend. She's brimming with pride)
JERRY: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt. self-control.
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problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, you're ..... (?), you're exhausted, groggy, oooh I hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning Guy can do. The only Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy looses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore. [location: Jerry's apartment] (Elaine and Jerry hang out the window) ELAINE: Do you ever spit on anybody from here?
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JERRY: No. You? ELAINE: No. Do you ever think about it? JERRY: Yeah. ELAINE: Me too.
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(Kramer enters the apartment) KRAMER: Hey. JERRY: Hey. KRAMER: Well I got it! JERRY: You got me the air conditioner? KRAMER: What do you think?
Transcribed by: Michiel Straathof
JERRY: Beautiful!
[location: nightclub]
ELAINE: What air conditioner?
JERRY: I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What about getting up after five hours sleep?', oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's not my
KRAMER: My buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off. JERRY: Is it a good one?
GEORGE: I broke 'em playing basketball. KRAMER: Good one? It's the Commando 8. JERRY: He was running from a bee. JERRY: Commando 8? KRAMER: 12.000 BTU's.
GEORGE: Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these.
ELAINE: I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner.
ELAINE: George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?
KRAMER: Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.
JERRY: There's a lot of change down there.
ELAINE: Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot.
GEORGE: When I find that guy, this much I vow: those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner. JERRY: We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!
JERRY: All right. (Kramer enters the apartment) KRAMER: Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy?
GEORGE: What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?
JERRY: Yeah. ELAINE: Yeah, especially those frames. KRAMER: Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles)
KRAMER: You know you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical and Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off.
KRAMER: Yeah, rock on! GEORGE: Yeah, come on. (Kramer leaves the apartment) GEORGE: I gotta get out of this city. JERRY: So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth?
JERRY: Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner. GEORGE: Really? KRAMER: Retail is for suckers.
GEORGE: I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses? ELAINE: You don't have an old pair?
GEORGE: Wow. What do I have to do? KRAMER: You just gotta mention my name.
GEORGE: That's it? KRAMER: That's it.
(The man leaves the store taking his dog with him)
[location: J & T Optical]
JERRY: Are you okay? Did he bite you?
(George tries on a pair of glasses)
GEORGE: Can you believe that guy?
GEORGE: What about these?
ELAINE: I'm okay, it's just a nick.
ELAINE: They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them.
GEORGE: He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time!
GEORGE: It's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face. JERRY: Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it! ELAINE: Now those look good, they're very bold. GEORGE: Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think? JERRY: (While looking at posters of women wearing glasses:) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses. (A man with a dog enters the store) ELAINE: Hi there, little doggy. (And to the owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog? DOG OWNER: It's okay with me. ELAINE: Hey little doggy.
(George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) GEORGE: You! Dog man! (George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees something interesting. He enters the store again) ELAINE: My leg looks pretty bad. JERRY: Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room. ELAINE: Okay. JERRY: (To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em? GEORGE: Uuh, no. JERRY: All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital. GEORGE: (In a really strange way:) Good, good, do that.
(Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) JERRY: What's the matter? ELAINE: Aaah! GEORGE: Oh, no, nothing. DWAYNE: Hey, you can't have that dog in here.
JERRY: What is it?
GEORGE: I can't tell you.
JERRY: We're gonna have to talk about this later.
ELAINE: Jerry, can we go?
(Elaine holds the door open for Jerry)
JERRY: Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George:) What do you mean you can't tell me?
JERRY: Thank you. Taxi!
GEORGE: I can't tell you, don't ask.
(George tries on another pair of glasses)
JERRY: I'm asking!
GEORGE: (To the store owner:) Excuse me, what do you think of these?
(Jerry and Elaine leave the store)
ELAINE: Jerry, my leg. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, take care. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper)
DWAYNE: Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame. GEORGE: Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face.
JERRY: Come on, George, what is it? GEORGE: I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.
DWAYNE: All right, you have a prescription? GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: What? (George hands over the prescription) GEORGE: They were right outside! GEORGE: Kramer... JERRY: Amy and Jeffrey? DWAYNE: What? GEORGE: Yes! GEORGE: Kramer... JERRY: Are you sure? DWAYNE: What about him? GEORGE: Yes, positive. GEORGE: You do know Kramer? JERRY: But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames.
DWAYNE: Yes...
GEORGE: I know! I was squinting.
GEORGE: Well, I'm mentioning his name.
ELAINE: Listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood.
DWAYNE: Why? GEORGE: Because... you know...
DWAYNE: No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.
JERRY: Now, look at this. Cable's out.
[location: hospital]
AMY: Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv.
ELAINE: Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible!
JERRY: No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing.
JERRY: Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.
(Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number)
ELAINE: Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on!
JERRY: I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday?
JERRY: But he was squinting. AMY: Yesterday? ELAINE: So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference. JERRY: Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road!
JERRY: Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out. AMY: I didn't do anything. JERRY: Oh you must have done something. AMY: No, nothing really. JERRY: Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue?
DOCTER: Okay. AMY: Well, I did go out for a little while. ELAINE: Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
JERRY: Well, your day's getting more interesting already.
DOCTER: Not shot, dog bite. (Jerry shows the phone) ELAINE: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot? DOCTER: Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang. [location: Jerry's apartment] (Jerry and Amy watch television)
JERRY: Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied. AMY: You can't thrust anyone. JERRY: No you can't. Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?
AMY: What are you talking about?
JERRY: It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.
JERRY: Look, my friend saw you. [location: Jerry's apartment] AMY: Saw me? With who? JERRY: I was an idiot for listening to you! JERRY: You tell me. GEORGE: Hey, I saw what I saw. AMY: There's nothing to tell. JERRY: There isn't?
JERRY: Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.
AMY: No. GEORGE: What side? JERRY: Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza?
JERRY: A bad side, an ugly side.
(Amy stands up and walks away)
GEORGE: Ooh, so what?
AMY: I had a feeling this was to good to be true.
JERRY: So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.
JERRY: Why? AMY: I knew there had to be another side to you.
GEORGE: Why don't you just ask Jeffrey? JERRY: Ah, he'd just deny it.
JERRY: No, no, there's no side! AMY: There is a side, an ugly side.
GEORGE: There must be some way to find out.
JERRY: No, no, no ugly side.
JERRY: Amy said nothing happened.
AMY: Look, I think I'm gonna go.
GEORGE: What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!
JERRY: Why? JERRY: Yeah, but you're blind as a bat! AMY: It's really hot in here. JERRY: Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though?
GEORGE: I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? I was spotting those raccoons.
AMY: Yeah. When are you getting an air conditioner?
JERRY: They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.
GEORGE: Hey look, a dime.
ELAINE: All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.
(George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up a dime)
(Kramer enters the apartment)
GEORGE: Mercury head. You mind?
KRAMER: The AC is on his way.
JERRY: (Stunned:) No, keep it.
GEORGE: Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount.
(Elaine enters the apartment) KRAMER: What? JERRY: Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago.
GEORGE: That's right, no discount!
ELAINE: There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left.
KRAMER: Well did you mention my name?
JERRY: A little white dog?
KRAMER: And?
ELAINE: Yeah.
GEORGE: Bubkis!
JERRY: Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?
KRAMER: Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now.
ELAINE: I'm afraid of dogs now. JERRY: He's like a squirrel.
GEORGE: Yes, I mentioned your name.
GEORGE: All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple.
ELAINE: Well he frightened me. GEORGE: Did you get the shot? ELAINE: No. He said I didn't need a shot. GEORGE: You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot? ELAINE: What, you think I should have?
JERRY: Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball! KRAMER: Little Snowball? He runs on batteries! (George takes a bite out of an union) ELAINE: You know, George, that's an union.
(George indicates 'yes') GEORGE: Yes it is. JERRY: You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.
(And he takes another bite)
ELAINE: He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness?
DWAYNE: Who said anything about a discount.
GEORGE: I saw them making out, you can believe it.
KRAMER: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
JERRY: I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on.
DWAYNE: For what?
KRAMER: Look, all you gotta to is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.
KRAMER: Remember this?
JERRY: Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time.
KRAMER: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar?
KRAMER: Right this way, mister Doody! GEORGE: You'll see I'm right. [location: J & T Optical] KRAMER: Hey, Dwayny. DWAYNE: Oh hello Kramer.
(Kramer pulls out a candy bar)
DWAYNE: What are you doing?
DWAYNE: Put that away! KRAMER: Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah!
KRAMER: What is going on here?
DWAYNE: All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us.
DWAYNE: What are you talking about?
ELAINE: Can I just have the name...
KRAMER: I'm talking about the thirty percent discount.
DWAYNE: Out! KRAMER: We'll see you Dwayne.
ELAINE: Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here... GEORGE: Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something.
[location: Jerry's apartment] (George shows Jerry his glasses) JERRY: I don't know what to tell you, Elton.
ELAINE: (While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable! JERRY: (To George:) Who picked these out? GEORGE: I did! JERRY: They're ladies' glasses! All you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.
GEORGE: That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything? KRAMER: No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll seal that up later, right? JERRY: Just in time for Amy. GEORGE: Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plead? ELAINE: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom! KRAMER: Of what?
GEORGE: Well Elaine was supposed to help me.
JERRY: Rabies.
(Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming)
KRAMER: Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!
ELAINE: Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!
(Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)
JERRY: Hey, hey.
ELAINE: I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!
ELAINE: I'm sorry... sorry. (Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his arms)
JERRY: Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here? ELAINE: I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.
KRAMER: Commando 8 has arrived! JERRY: Take it to the window. KRAMER: 12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) KRAMER: Installed!
KRAMER: No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) KRAMER: May I have one of those, madam? GEORGE: Madame? What are you calling me madam for? KRAMER: They're ladies' glasses.
(Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside)
You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog! DOG OWNER: Who are you calling stupid?
KRAMER: Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection. GEORGE: He sold me ladies' glasses!
JERRY: Hey, shall we spit on him? ELAINE: No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.
ELAINE: I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMER: She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious.
KRAMER: (Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa.
(Elaine drinks some water and drools)
(The air conditioner wobbles)
KRAMER: She's foaming at the mouth!
KRAMER: The air conditioner!
[location: hospital]
(Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps)
ELAINE: Is this gonna hurt? KRAMER: I think it got the dog! DOCTER: Yes, very much. (Elaine gets the shot)
[location: New York Health Club's locker room]
[location: Jerry's apartment]
GEORGE: Oh boy.
ELAINE: What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that?
BLIND MAN: Excuse me, I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker?
JERRY: Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel. ELAINE: Let me tell you this: there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse! JERRY: He does look like a horse. ELAINE: Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window:) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams:) Hey!
GEORGE: Oh uuh, sure, hang on. Hey, that's the guy. BLIND MAN: What guy? GEORGE: The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) GEORGE: Would you pick it up a little?
BLIND MAN: Where the hell are we going?
GEORGE: No, that's Jerry.
GEORGE: He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man:) Those are nice glasses.
DOG OWNER: Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you?
BLIND MAN: I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.
GEORGE: Yeah, 5A!
GEORGE: Is that really?
DOG OWNER: Thanks a lot!
[location: J & T Optical]
[location: in front of Jeffrey's apartment]
(George has taken the blind man with him)
AMY: So what are we doing here?
GEORGE: Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his?
JERRY: Oh, you'll find out.
DWAYNE: (While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we can do that.
AMY: I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously. JERRY: Well, I'm very mysterious by nature.
GEORGE: And I'd like a discount. (Jerry knocks on the door) DWAYNE: Why should I give you a discount.
JERRY: A lot of women find that attractive.
GEORGE: Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a refund. You gave me ladies' frames!
AMY: I find it annoying.
BLIND MAN: What's that about ladies' frames?
(Uncle Leo opens the door)
JERRY: Really?
UNCLE LEO: Helloooo! (The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar)
JERRY: Uncle Leo!
DOG OWNER: I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog.
UNCLE LEO: Come on in.
GEORGE: Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down.
UNCLE LEO: Hello Amy.
DOG OWNER: Well I would love to talk with her. She lives on 81st Street, right?
JERRY: This is Amy.
JERRY: Unlce Leo, what are you doing here? UNCLE LEO: Jeffrey went out tonight.
JERRY: Ooh! Very convenient. UNCLE LEO: I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends!
UNCLE LEO: He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets. JERRY: Thank you. UNCLE LEO: Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that he's very sorry and he hopes you'll forgive 'em.
JERRY: Oh really? UNCLE LEO: That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussings... JERRY: Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me? UNCLE LEO: Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em. JERRY: Thank you. AMY: What tickets? JERRY: To the Paul Simon concert in the park!
JERRY: (To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him! AMY: What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here? JERRY: Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time. UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good. JERRY: Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza? [location: in front of J & T Optical]
AMY: We're going to the Paul Simon concert? JERRY: That's right, lady!
(George is walking with the blind man) GEORGE: Wait, these really do pinch the nose.
AMY: Oh what a great surprise! (George takes of his glasses) JERRY: I thought you'd like that. BLIND MAN: Tough luck! Deal's a deal. AMY: Oooh, that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.
GEORGE: Oh my got it is them.
JERRY: Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason.
(George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a woman kissing a horse)
UNCLE LEO: Hear Jeffrey's favorite animal: the leopard.
[location: New York Health Club locker room]
AMY: Why is that?
JERRY: I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I've got to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name. GEORGE: Yeah. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...
Created By .......................... Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld Written By ........................... Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld Directed By ......................... Tom Cherones
(The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker)
=============================== =============================== ==============
The Sniffing Accountant Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Cast:
Transcribed by Juha Auvinen =============================== =============================== ============== Episode #504 -- "The Sniffing Accountant" Originally Aired: October 7 1993 =============================== =============================== ============== Production Credits: Co-Producer.........................Peter Mehlman Producers........... ..................Tom Gammill & Max Pross Supervising Producer ........... Larry Charles & Tom Cherones Executive Producer ..............George Shapiro, Howard West
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld George Costanza ................. Jason Alexander Elaine Benes ........................ Julia LouisDreyfus Kramer ............................... Michael Richards With: Newman..............................Wayne Knight Estelle..................................Estelle Harris Frank...................................Jerry Stiller Barry...................................John Kapelos Lippman..............................Richard Fancy Jake.....................................Marty Rackham Farkus.................................Patrick Cronin =============================== =============================== ================
Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's Caf George: Wow, just felt your material? Jerry: So, does he like you? Elaine: Yeah...Jake Jarmel. Elaine: What do you think? George: Sounds like a cool guy. Jerry: You like him? Elaine: Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot. George: What's wrong with him? Elaine: Nothing, and I've looked. George: Well, I'm sure you'll find something.
Jerry: Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on. George: Jerry, where did you get that sweater? Jerry: What do you think? I found it at the back of my closet. George: I think that's what the back of closets are for.
Jerry: So, how did you meet him? *Elaine looks out the window* Elaine: In the office. Elaine: Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. Jerry: So, he's a writer. Jerry: Hey... Elaine: Yeah. Elaine: Hi. Jerry: Yeah, big surprise. George: Who's that? Elaine: So, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps. George: What are those?
Jerry: That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant. George: I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money.
Elaine: Ask your mother, you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger
Elaine: Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.
like this.
*Barry comes in*
Jerry: So, what did you do?
Jerry: Hey Barry, how you doing? This is my friend George.
Elaine: I said: "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it.
Barry: Hi George.
Elaine: Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?
Elaine: I have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs.
Barry: Nothing really. *sniffs* You, eh, you eat here?
Jerry: Then, what was all that sniffing? Elaine: Maybe it's the cold weather.
Jerry: Yeah, so how's my money? Jerry: Today is not cold. Barry: Still green. *sniffs* Jerry: What, you got a cold? Barry: No, no.
George: All right, I've got to get going. My parents are expecting me. Elaine: Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.
Elaine: Wow, look at that ring. Barry: Oh, you like that? *sniffs* Say, where's the bathroom? Jerry: Bathroom, bathroom is right over there. *Barry goes to bathroom*
-----------------------------------------------------*Costanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George is pounding a ketchup bottle.* Frank: Why do you need all that ketchup for?
Jerry: Did you see that? Elaine: See what?
George: This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.
George: Yes, I saw that. Frank: So, I talked to Phil Casacof today. Jerry: What was all that sniffing? Estelle: Phil Casacof? Elaine: I don't know.
Elaine: Oh, no! Come on Jerry.
Frank: Yeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman. He says they are looking maybe to put somebody on so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.
George: He was definitely sniffing.
George: Next Friday, what time?
Jerry: I mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy can write checks to himself right out of my account.
Frank: 2 o'clock.
Jerry: You don't think...?
George: That's my whole afternoon! I was going to look for sneakers.
Frank: You can look for sneakers the next day!
Frank: I don't know what the big problem is getting a bra?!
Estelle: He doesn't know anything about bras.
George: She doesn't want to get a bra.
George: I know a little. Besides, what do you have to know? Frank: Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the and be able to discuss it intelligently. Maybe you should take a look at a few bras? Where is you bra? Give him a bra to look. Estelle: I am not giving him a bra.
Frank: I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it. George: All right, it wouldn't kill me. Frank: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
Frank: Why not? George: I-I know about the cups. Estelle: Because I don't need him looking at my bra. Frank: Why, so he'll go to the interview and he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?! George: Do we have to...? Frank: You don't even know what they're made from.
Frank: You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest. George: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest. Estelle: Here, here's the bra. Frank: Let me see it.
George: They are made from lycra-spandex. Estelle: 100% lycra-spandex. Frank: Get out of here! Lycra-spandex? Frank: Let me see it. Estelle: I think they are made from lycraspandex. Frank: Wanna bet? How much you wanna bet? Estelle: I'm not betting!
Estelle: I told you. Here, think you know everything? Frank: Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what else? You got the cups in the front, two loops in the back. All right, a guess that's about it.
Frank: Take a look. Estelle: All right, I'll get a bra.
George: I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back. Estelle: You got ketchup on it!
*George takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves.*
Jerry: No, but in one point he did use the bathroom.
-------------------------------------------------------
Kramer: Whoh! Jerry: Do you think that's a bad sign?
*5A. Jerry and Kramer.* Kramer: Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?
Kramer: Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right?
Jerry: Sniffing, with his nose. Kramer: Jerry, he probably had a cold.
Jerry: I don't know. This sweater really itches me. You want it?
Jerry: No, I asked him.
Kramer: Yeah.
Kramer: So, what are you saying?
-----------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I don't know, you know, what if...?
*Elaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in.*
Kramer: Drugs? You think he's on drugs? Elaine: Hello.... hello, oh... Jerry: I don't know. All I know he was sniffing. Kramer: Jerry, listen, we went in on a CD together.
Jake: Well, you notice anything? Elaine: You have cleaned out the whole apartment and you're making dinner. Oh, you are a perfect, you are a perfect man.
Jerry: I know. *Jake feels Elaine's coat material.* Kramer: And Newman gave you money too. I didn't even meet this guy. We trusted you. Jerry: Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing. Kramer: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'? Jerry: No, he didn't use 'man'. Kramer: I mean when he was leaving did he say I'm splittin' ?
Jake: Ooh... Elaine: Did anyone call? Jake: I got a few messages, I wrote them down. Elaine: Where are they? Jake: Lets see, they are...here they are.
Elaine: Thank you. Heh, I'll call you back.Ooh, Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's wonderful! Who called? Jake: She did.
Elaine: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point. Jake: Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.
Elaine: She did? Oh, that's so great! Jake: Where do you keep the corkscrew?
Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.
Elaine: In the drawer on the right. Hmm... Jake: What? Elaine: Oh it's nothing. Jake: What is it? Elaine: It's nothing. Jake: Tell me.
Jake: Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points. Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one! Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!
Elaine: Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point?
---------------------------------------------------
Jake: What are you talking about?
5A. Jerry and Elaine
Elaine: See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point.
Jerry: You're out of your mind you know that. Elaine: What?
Jake: So? Elaine: So, it's nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.
Jerry: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it. Elaine: Well, I felt a call for one.
Jake: What's so curious about it? Elaine: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point. Jake: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.
Jerry: A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation. Elaine: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one. Jerry: George was right. Didn't take you long.
*Kramer enters* Kramer: Anything new on that guy on drugs? Elaine: He's not on drugs. Kramer: Then why the sniffing? Who walks around *sniff, sniff* sniffing?
Elaine: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent? Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent. Kramer: Well, I say we're going to take our money right now! *Newman enters* Newman: Hey, hey...
Elaine: All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Jerry: Good idea.
Newman: Hello Jerry. So, any news?
Voice on the phone: Prophet and Goldstein.
Kramer: Yeah, he skipped out and *ptruut* went to South America!
Jerry: Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please.
Newman: South America?! What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with?
voice: I'm sorry he's out of town. Jerry: Out of town?
Elaine: Ok, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay.
voice: Yes, he went to South America. Jerry: South America?
Kramer: Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry.
Kramer: South America? Jerry: I'll call back, thank you. He went to South America!
Elaine: What are you gonna do? You gonna put on a phony beard and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...
Kramer: Yyyeeaaah!! Elaine: So what? Jerry: Who goes to South America?
Jerry: Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out... Newman: If we put our three heads together we should come up with something.
Elaine: People go to South America. Jerry: Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine.
------------------------------------------------------*Jerry, Kramer and Newman in the Saab*
Kramer: What's today? Jerry: Be careful Kramer. Newman: It's Thursday. Newman: I've should've gone in with him. Kramer: Really? Feels like Tuesday. Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....
Jerry: No, you stay here in the car. I may need you. Newman: What you need me in the car for?
Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday... Jerry: I might need you to get me a soda. Jerry: All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now. Newman: Hey, you know this is kind of fun. Kramer: Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...
-----------------------------------------------------*In the bar. Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters.* Kramer: I'll have a brewsky , Charlie. Bartender: Name's Mitch.
Jerry: Yeah maybe you should. Kramer: Maybe I will.
Kramer: Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh?
Newman: Yeah, me too.
Barry: Yeah.
Jerry: All right, what are you gonna say to him?
Kramer: Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.
Kramer: Just gonna find out if he's interested.
*Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head*
Newman: Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?
Kramer: Cigarette?
Jerry: No, you stay in the car.
Barry: No, I never touch them.
Newman: Who made you the leader?
Kramer: I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time.
Jerry: All right Newman, one more peep out of you and you're out of the whole operation! There he is. He's going to that bar.
*Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time* *Barry sniffs*
Kramer: All right, I'm going in.
Kramer: Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh? Barry: I don't think so.
Kramer: Tell me about it. Barry: Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.
Kramer: Me neither. Kramer: I'm hip. *Kramer puts the cigarette wrong way to his mouth*
Barry: Hip to the what?
----------------------------------------------------
Kramer: To the whole scene. *sniff*
*Back in the car with Jerry and Newman.*
Barry: What scene?
Jerry: You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic.
Kramer: The bathroom scene. *sniff, sniff*
Newman: I use dental tape.
Barry: Listen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there.
Jerry: You should try this.
----------------------------------------------------
Newman: I don't wanna.
*Back in the car. Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth.*
Jerry: Not even once? Newman: No, no I don't like it. Newman: No. Jerry: You're an idiot.
Jerry: What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?
Newman: Why, because I use dental tape?
Newman: I like the thick tape.
Jerry: Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.
*Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted.*
----------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------
*Back in the bar.*
*The bar. Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and takes a photograph.*
Kramer: South America? Barry: Heeyy!! What kind of a nut are you? Barry: Yeah, yeah. -------------------------------------------------Kramer: That's importuning(?) continent. *George's job interview.* Barry: They are expanding their economic base.
Farkus: So, basically the job here is quite simple. Selling bras. George: Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir. Farkus: Have you ever sold a woman's line before? George: No, but I have very good repute with women, very good, top form. And the first time I laid my I on brassieres I was enthralled. Farkus: Hum. tell me about it. George: Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod. I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres.
*George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there is waiting for the elevator. George felts her blouse material.* Ms. De Granmont: What you're think you're doing? George: Oh, nothing... Ms. De Granmont: Farkus, get out here! Farkus: Yes, Ms. De Granmont? Ms. De Granmont: Who is this pervert little weasel? Farkus: This is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. He's supposed to start on monday. Ms. De Granmont: If he's here on monday, you're not. Take a pick. Farkus to George: Get out!
Farkus: That's incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres. George: They are more than an underwear to me Mr.Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it? Farkus: Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you'll have a very bright future here at ED Granmont. George: Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed. Farkus: See you monday 9 o'clock. George: If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8. Farkus: Excellent. George: So long, Mr. Farkus.
Farkus to Ms. De Granmont: I'm terribly sorry Ms. De Granmont... ------------------------------------------------------*Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.* Elaine: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman? Lippman: I was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely. Elaine: Yes, krhm, yes I did. Lippman: And, anyway I was just reading your final edit, um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.
Kramer: Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me.
Lippman: Oh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"
Jerry: 'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.
Elaine: Right, well...
Kramer: Double exclamation point!
Lippman: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?
Newman: Will that take care of ours too?
Elaine: That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly... Lippman: I see, "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point? Elaine: Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then *prrt* nothing comes out...
Jerry: Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back. Newman: Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway. Jerry: Yeah, thanks. Newman: It'll be my pleasure. *Kramer puts the photograph to the envelope. Newman and Kramer laughs and Newman leaves.*
Lippman: Get rid of the exclamation points...
Newman: See'ya later.
Elaine: Ok, ok ok ...
Jerry: You know this...
Lippman: I hate exclamation points...
*Knock on the door. It's pizzaguy*
Elaine: ...ok I'll just....
Kramer: Hey, Ralph.
--------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Hi Ralph. Ralph: What's up fellows? That'll be 14,30.
*5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the couch.* Jerry: 'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'
Jerry: All right. Kramer: Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry? Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Exclamation point. *Ralph sniffs and rubs his eyes.* Elaine: You still have no proof.
Kramer: What's the matter? You've got a cold?
*Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at same time at the letterbox.*
Ralph: No Kramer, what is this? Newman: After you. Kramer: It's a sweater. Woman: Thank you. Ralph: What's it made out of? *Newman feels the woman's coat material.* Kramer: I don't know, Jerry gave it to me. Jerry: Mohair, I think.
Woman: Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!! Johnny!
Ralph: Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to mohair.
*Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground.*
Jerry: You mean you just started sniffing?
---------------------------------------------------
Ralph: Yeah, mohair does it to me every time.
*Costanza's*
*Ralph leaves* Jerry: I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in. Kramer: Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar. Elaine: The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! I told you he wasn't a drug addict. Jerry: Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it!
Frank: What do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this? George: So what, what is so bad about that? Estelle: Who goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained feeling a person's material? It's insanity! Frank: What ever happened to "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!! --------------------------------------------------
Kramer: Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.
*At the caf. Kramer and Elaine.*
*Jerry leaves the door and comes back second later*
Elaine: You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.
Jerry: The what??
Jerry: Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.
---------------------------------------------------Elaine: What is this?
Jerry: It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer. Elaine: He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven?
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Jerry: Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs! Elaine: What do you mean, I thought it was the sweater. Kramer: All right, What about the money? Jerry: What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I
CAST JERRY.............................................JERRY SEINFELD GEORGE............................................JASO N ALEXANDER KRAMER............................................MICH AEL RICHARDS
would've done, if for certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!!
ELAINE.........................................JULIA LOUIS- DREYFUS
*Newman enters and goes to the counter.*
GUEST CAST
Newman: Pair of bear claws, please.
(in order of appearance)
*Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels Jerry's shirt.*
STAN..............................................TOM ALLAN ROBBINS
Woman: Nice. Jerry: Think so? Woman: Yeah, what is it? Jerry: Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?
MYRA..............................................JEANNI E ELIAS PATIENT...........................................*FRA NK NOON MRS. SWEEDLER.....................................DEBRA MOONEY RESIDENT..........................................JOHN GEGENHUBER
*End Credits.* *MAN..............................................ALFRE D DENNIS
*WOMAN............................................TIA RIEBLING MOHEL.............................................CHAR LES LEVIN
BABY. STAN IS IN THE MIDST OF THE HARROWING BIRTH STORY, AS JERRY AND ELAINE ALTERNATE BETWEEN BOREDOM AND SQUIRMING. GEORGE, SITS
SEINFELD Revision #1 (pink) 1. "The Bris" Sept 22 1993 (A)
BY THE WINDOW, STARING OUT, IGNORING THE PROCEEDING. STAN ...And so the baby's head comes
(Jerry, Elaine, George,
out, and I'm screaming and my
Stan, Myra, (Steven))
brother who's been videotaping the whole thing turns green, his eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out, drops the camera, the camera breaks, then , the placenta comes flying out.
ACT ONE
ELAINE Whoa.
SCENE A
STAN And then doctor says...
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)
JERRY
JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE ARE VISITING WITH NEW PARENTS, MYRA AND
Thank you, that's enough.
STAN FLICK AND THEIR BABY STEVEN. MYRA DISCREETLY BREAST FEEDS THE
JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE. MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY
WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH. HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED.
STAN
STAN
Oh, a year or two.
Will you look at that baby. Sucking like there's no tomorrow.
Jerry No break?
Just sucking away. Suck, suck, suck... STAN Jerry Then comes the weaning. (LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jerry STAN So after the sucking, comes the weaning. Look at that Jerry, look at that. Elaine Sucking, sucking... First the sucking then the weaning. Jerry Jerry Yeah, I looked. I saw. Well, you gotta wean. STAN STAN This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?
Gotta wean.
Jerry
Elaine
Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) See your friend's
It's a must wean situation. PAUSE.
wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me
George
uncomfortable?
What about that spot I got?
STAN
Jerry
Look at him.
Yeah, that's a great spot.
Jerry
George
How long do they do that?
You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. You can't beat that spot. I'm on a roll. I am just
Yes, 1397. CUT TO: (Kramer, Patient, Orderlies)
willing these great parking spots. In front of my house. In front of Jerry's building. Did I tell you about the spot in front of
ACT ONE SCENE B INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1
the post office? KRAMER, WANDERING. Jerry KRAMER Yes. 1937, 1937, 1937... George A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM I'm driving to the post office. PATIENT Jerry (INTERRUPTING) George.
Excuse me. Do you know where the staircase is?
George
KRAMER LOOKS AROUND.
Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting
KRAMER Uh.. over there...
message to start his life out with. You can still get a great space in this town - if you apply yourself. Jerry
PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM.
Where's KRAMER? He should've been here by now.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
Elaine
1937.
Did you give him the room number?
HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY
Jerry
SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE.
ACT ONE
CUT TO:
SCENE D
ACT ONE
INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1
SCENE C
STAN
IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1
..So anyway, Jerry and Elaine, we have something we want to ask
KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE
you. GEORGE
THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD. HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE, HE
Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me.
BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE
Jerry
CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK" OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS
Elaine
CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS
Will you shut up.
I'm taking a cab home. I can't take it anymore. Jerry
INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT,
So what were you about to say, Stan?
SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.
Myra and I would like you and Elaine to be the Godparents of
STAN
KRAMER Steven. Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man! Elaine CUT TO: Wow. (Jerry, Elaine, George, Stan, Myra, Kramer (Steven)
Jerry
Me? A godfather?
Elaine
STAN
That's nice, Kramer... So, anyway, what exactly is involved in
Yes. being a Godparent? Jerry Jerry (A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against the family, Elaine.
(A LA DON CORLEIONE) Elaine, don't ever ask me about my
Elaine business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather." What? MYRA KRAMER ENTERS. Nothing really. KRAMER STAN The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He was just lying there and then he
The most important thing is to help with the bris.
woke up. He looked up at me and made this horrible sound (MAKES
Jerry
SOUND).
The bris?
George
Elaine
Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
The bris?
KRAMER
KRAMER
I'm talking about the pigman, George. I went into the wrong room
A bris? you mean snip snip? STAN
and there he was. Yeah. George KRAMER A pigman? I would advise against that. KRAMER Elaine Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.
Kramer. It's a tradition. KRAMER Well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we
THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S CAR. GEORGE My car! My car!
don't do that anymore. GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM. Jerry CUT TO: Well, maybe we should. (Jerry George, Elaine, Kramer) George ACT ONE Why are all those people milling around my car?
SCENE E
KRAMER
INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2)
I don't know.
JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS HIS FACE BURIED IN THE
Jerry NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS. Maybe they're admiring your spot. ELAINE KRAMER A mohel! What the hell is a mohel? No. They're all looking up. Jerry George. Oh my god, there's somebody on the roof of the hospital.
A mohel is the person who performs the circumcision. Elaine
KRAMER Where am I going to find a Mohel? Whoa. That's the guy who asked me where the staircase was.
(LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) How do you find a
George mohel? Motels, models.. Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no! Jerry BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE
Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have the tough job. I have to hold the baby while they
Jerry Hey. GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE.
do it. How would you like that job? GEORGE Elaine Have you ever seen one? Jerry
Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm gonna go see the hospital
You mean that wasn't Elaine
administrator today. Someone's paying for that damage and it's
Yeah.
not gonna be me.
Jerry
Jerry
No.. you?
Ah, you're screwed.
Elaine
George
Ya.
I know, swan dives from twenty floors, lands right on to it. What
Jerry What'd you think?
do I have a bulls eye on there? He couldn't move over two feet?
Elaine
Land on the sidewalk. That's city property.
(SHAKES HER HEAD) No...
What are the chances, what are the odds? He couldn't do it again
Jerry if his life depended on it... Not good? Elaine Elaine Well I have to interview a Mohel. No, had no face, no personality, very dull. It was like a martian. But hey, that's me.
Jerry
Oh, poor Elaine. Look at her. Attended the finest finishing
Pigman, baby. Pigman. Elaine
schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Well, look at you now. Interviewing Mohels. SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM
Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time... KRAMER I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
OF REVELATION. Jerry JERRY What's the matter? Elaine
Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Are you alright? KRAMER KRAMER Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed.
Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're
(RE:PAPER) Look at that.
probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
Jerry
George
What now?
I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking
HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER JERRY (CONT'D)
around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to
"Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government
fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!"
funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so?
Jerry
KRAMER
Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pig-men. No
matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts
KRAMER
attracted to it. "Oo that little tail turns me on."
Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you know, it makes sex more
ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
pleasurable. George
ELAINE Yeah. So how does that help me? (MUMBLES) Alright, that's about enough Jerry Jerry Oh, what's the matter you're not interested in this?
(TO GEORGE) Hey George, have you ever seen one? George
Elaine Yeah, my roommate in college. No, it's fascinating, could you do me a favor, could you tape the rest of the pigmen and the women who love them discussion and
Jerry So what'd you think? George
I'll listen to it next time I'm here. I've got to find a Mohel.
I got used to it.
KRAMER
DISSOLVE TO:
You should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual. Elaine Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped.
ACT ONE
Until then, off with their heads.
SCENE G
ELAINE LEAVES.
(JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER)
GEORGE
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2
But Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?
JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE PASS IN HALLWAY.
Jerry
That's right. (CALLING OUT)
Alright, I'm waiting. I want to see the pigman. Show me the pig-
Sue-wee! Jerry
man. KRAMER Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show him to you, and you'll never be
Kramer! well I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human...
the same.
HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.
Jerry
JERRY (CONT'D)
Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. You know a lot of
(WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!... Oh, that's George.
people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.
GEORGE APPROACHES. GEORGE
KRAMER Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink
Okay. The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys by the car.
of pigman cries for help. KRAMER Jerry You got room for the pig-man? If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here. George KRAMER The pig-man can take the bus. I can't let this go on. KRAMER Jerry Let me understand this. So if you find the pigman, your intention
You know, if pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride. George
is to ...emancipate him? KRAMER
How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
KRAMER
Horrible, just a horrible thing. Flew right past the children's
Come on George, be realistic. George
wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the
All right, if pig-man comes along, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see
window, just traumatize by the incident. Apparently, they all
you later.
thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man
GEORGE EXITS. is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat... CUT TO: George (George, Mrs. Sweedler) ACT ONE SCENE H INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY 2
Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's where I come in. On splat. You see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler? Mrs. Sweedler
THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER, USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON
Mrs. Sweedler's fine.
EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.
You see, that trudge affected me in a very, very personal way.
George
MRS. SWEEDLER Mrs. SWEEDLER Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Patients, doctors, everyone, just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence. George
How is that? George Yes, you see, the deceased landed on my car. The splat, as it were, actually took place on the roof of my car. I can't help but
Well, I join them in their grief. Mrs. Sweedler
think that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy may have
been averted but I've never been the type to buy a convertible,
George Yes.
what with the baldness and all. Mrs. SWEEDLER Mrs. SWEEDLER Well I've known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.
A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise George
George Yes. Well then it's all pulled down. Anyway. The damage,
Mrs. SWEEDLER
unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering
... and you greedily, callously try to profit from it.
it virtually undriveable.
George
Mrs. SWEEDLER
(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET)
(STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame. George
Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimates that I'm not
Yes, a shame. That's just how I would describe it. Now, with all
really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..
due sensitivity and discretion, bearing in mind the scope of the
Mrs. SWEEDLER (WITH ANGER) How dare you.
situation, I can't help but think the hospital bears some responsibility to compensate the other, still living "victim", of
GEORGE What? Mrs. SWEEDLER
this horrendous, horrendous tragedy. Have you no decency? Have you no shame? SHE GLARES George Mrs.Sweedler Yes.. you know, depending. Mr.Constanza.
Mrs. SWEEDLER
KRAMER
Get out! Get out, now! get out of my office.
You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB).
GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.
Resident
GEORGE
No.
Should I leave these with you?
KRAMER
Mrs. SWEEDLER
(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you?
Get out! Resident HE EXITS. Sir? CUT TO: KRAMER ACT ONE Look, I know what's going on. Oink, oink. SCENE J Resident (Jerry, Kramer, resident) INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2 KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT. JERRY TRIES TO LOOK
I really have some patients I have to attend to. HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.
INCONSPICUOUS. KRAMER KRAMER Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room
(TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little quack, I know you had a half man
before?
half pig holed up in that room, there. Now where is he?! Where is
Resident
he?!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Resident
Half-what? (Steven)) KRAMER INT FLICKS' DAY 3 You know what - bacon, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a-
JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS, AND ASSORTED GUESTS
deek th-th-th-that's all folks. Jerry Resident Where's the Mohel? Oh, the pig-man. They moved him down the hall. KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO RUNS AWAY.
ELAINE He'll be here. Jerry
Jerry He's late already. Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George. KRAMER
Elaine Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked.
You go ahead. Jerry KRAMER WALKS OFF. Jerry KRAMER
How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well. Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and
BUT HE CONTINUES WALKING. FADE OUT
he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship?
END OF ACT ONE
Elaine I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.
ACT TWO Jerry SCENE K (Jerry, Elaine, George, Kramer, Stan, Myra, Mohel man, Woman,
Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals
and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have
George Oh.
conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE IS SOBBING.
Elaine KRAMER What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the
Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts
stands. Jerry
bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory.
Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our
Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love
friendship.
your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a
ELAINE yes it is level jumping. ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN.
stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered lunch? MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING
George KRAMER (cont'd) So uh... ever been to a bris before? She'll be okay. Woman No.
HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY CONFRONTS KRAMER.
George
Elaine
If you fell little woozy, and it's quite common, just stay close
What's wrong with you? KRAMER
to me. I'll get you through it. Woman
Me? What's wrong with you?! How can you let this go on?
I'm a cardiologist. I think I can manage.
Elaine
Hey have you ever seen one of those? SFX: DOORBELL. KRAMER No.
RELIEVED< EVERYONE RUNS TO THE DOOR.
Elaine
ALL (CONT'd)
Well I have and believe me it's no picnic.
(ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel is here! Thank God, the mohel
KRAMER is here. Oh, how bad could it be? Elaine (TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody here ever seen one? Man One what?
THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG. EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE ASSEMBLED GUESTS.
Elaine ... you know MOHEL Man I have. Woman
Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all... A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS.
I have. MOHEL (CONT'D) Elaine And?
Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I
All
almost had a heart attack!
(SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No...
THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.
George
MOHEL (CONT'D)
I got used to it.
(CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to
'accuse I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood
perform the mitzvah of the bris and... SFX: BABY CRYING MOHEL (CONT'D) (WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, 'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying
and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point. Elaine Do you feel alright?
in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane?!!! MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS FOREHEAD.
Mohel (TO ELAINE< INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so
ELAINE Did you find the place alright? Mohel Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag,
half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you
can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and
Jerry is.. (TO JERRY) Jerry! Jerry
knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin'
(UNCERTAIN) Yeah. Elaine Jerry go over there.
barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is
Jerry All right. Elaine
it? .. Do you? Go. THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE ON: ELAINE AND MYRA.
Jerry
ELAINE
I'm going.
(TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very highly recommended.
Elaine C'mon
ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER Jerry KRAMER Don't push me. (TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel is twitching. Mohel Who's holding the baby? Hello! Who is holding the baby?!? NO RESPONSE. MOHEL (cont;d) (WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby?
MOHEL Okay. you sit here. Bring out the baby. Bring out the baby. I need the baby! KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER, HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS
ELAINE THE BABY TIGHTLY.
KRAMER
THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT.
I can't let you do this. MOHEL (CONT'D) (AD-LIB Kramer! Damn. EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM. PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP. KRAMER. MOHEL (CONT'D) I can't let you do this! PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS
No! Don't touch anything! Don't touch a thing! Away! (MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The
A STRUGGLE. ALL (AD LIB) Let go of the baby! Kramer!
money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your
KRAMER life... Anyway. No! No! I won't! THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER.
HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE
MOHEL
PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD. WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUGEYED,
People compose yourselves. (SHOUTING AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This
NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES THE INSTRUMENT.
is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show.
ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS THE INSTRUMENT DOWN.
This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This
SFX: CROWD SCREAMING. CUT TO:
is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony, symbolizing the covenant
ACT TWO
between God and Abraham... or something.
SCENE L
my phone finger! (Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer) George INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3 Be careful, you're bleeding all over the car. Jerry KRAMER Hurry up George! Step on it! What about the baby? George Jerry Alright, alright! Jerry
The baby's fine. They're just taking him to the hospital as a
That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The mohel circumcised
precautionary measure. I'm the one who's hurt. Look at me.
my finger!
Elaine
Elaine
Will you stop it? You'll just need a few stitches.
You flinched. Jerry Jerry Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch? ELAINE How should he know He blacked out. He fainted.
Stitches? I've never had stitched. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me! George
George
Hey look a this - boy are you lucky - another spot - right in
It was very traumatic. But the last thing I remember is you
front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky is that? Is
flinching. Then, everything went black.
that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that?
Jerry
Cut to:
Who's got a tissue? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's
ACT two Scene
Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse)
(RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You flinched! Jerry
(guards)) Int Hospital Day 3 JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook? MOHEL (HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See! See! He flinched again!
Jerry Jerry I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness. KRAMER
Good mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva mohel.
You'll be okay. I'll see you later.
MOHEL
KRAMER EXITS
One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked
George sturgeon. Where's he going? Jerry ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.
Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.
George (con'td)
MOHEL
I'm gonna look for a bathroom.
Butcher Boy?!
MOHEL ENTERS.
Jerry
Jerry
What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING) What was this?
Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! You did a hell of a circumcision there pal. But it's not supposed to be a finger. MOHEL
MOHEL What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY) JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE. MOHEL (cont;d)
It was your fault!
THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND WHISPERS.
Jerry
MOHEL
It was not!
I will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No
Elaine Jerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife! THE FLICKS ENTER.
one ruins this for me. No on! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card.
STAN
THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY KRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE
Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's going on here?
HALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG MAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE
STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP OF FIGHT.
AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE
STAN (cont'd)
MOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE.
MOHEL DISSOLVE TO: Ah, blood. ACT TWO Elaine SCENE N How's the baby? INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4) STAN The baby's fine. There's nothing wrong with the baby.
JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE WITH BANDAGED FINGER, JERRY
MOHEL Thank god the flincher didn't harm the baby.
I can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy,
ALL
They massacred my boy.
(AD LIB) Amen.
Elaine
You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even
Jerry Hi STAN, hi Myra.
close. SFX:BUZZER
ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA PULLS HIM AWAY.
Jerry
MYRA
It's the Flicks.
Don't touch him
George
Jerry
(ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. It was stolen right in front
What's wrong? STAN
of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him take off in it. He's about five
You're out, Jerry. You're out as Godfather. You too, Elaine.
feet, hairless, pink complexion.. well. he looks like a pig.
You're both out.
Yeah, okay, thanks a lot.
Elaine
KRAMER ENTERS.
But-
George
STAN
So any word? Did you hear from the "pigman?"
We want Kramer. KRAMER
KRAMER (A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored. No. George
KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO EXIT
And he's not a pigman is he?
Jerry
KRAMER
But I'm the pitcher. You're the catcher. We have a special
NO, he's not.. .He's just a fat little mental patient. THE FLICKS ENTER
relationship. KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT
SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING
STAN (CONT'D)
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KRAMER, JERRY , ELAINE AND GEORGE WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE DOOR.
MYRA Godfather. KRAMER LOOKS INTO APARTMENT AT INCREDULOUS JERRY ELAINE AND GEORGE, THEN CLOSES THE DOOR. WE HEAR THE GODFATHER THEME. FADE OUT
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Episode 70 Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff Cast:
END OF ACT TWO
Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Castanza Jason Alexander Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Drefus
Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
Kramer Michael Richards Guest Stars: Christopher Darga Driver Linda Kash Gwen Jerry Sroka Todd Marlee Matlin Laura
Veralyn Jones Renee
George: Yes, I have a problem with paba.
Dylan Haggerty Young Man
Jerry: You don't even know what paba is.
Bret Anthony Teen
George: I know enough to stay away from it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
George: So are you going to Todd's party this weekend?
At the comedy club
Jerry: I'll go if someone else drives. You going?
Jerry: Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? Tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. "That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh." (Commercial) In the bleachers at the tennis court. Two players are hitting the ball back and forth. Jerry: Are these seats unbelievable or what? George: Where's the sunblock? Jerry: Here. George: 25? You don't have anything higher?
George: Gwen really wants to go. Jerry: You're bringing a date to a party? George: No good? Jerry: A party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. (Makes hand motions) Ho, ho, ho. George: Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to? Jerry: Well I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy. George: Yeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta take her with me. Todd introduced us, I'm obligated. Jerry: That woman is absolutely stunning. George: The Croat? [the tennis player]
Jerry: What, are you on Mercury? George: I need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free.
Jerry: Not the Croat, the lineswoman. That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen.
Jerry: You got a problem with paba?
George: Yeah, she's a B.L.
Jerry: B.L.?
Kramer: Hey, hey, it's George.
George: Beautiful lineswoman. I'm going to go to the concession stand and get some real sunblock. You want anyting? Jerry? (Jerry is staring at the lineswoman) Jerry?
George is on TV eating a sundae. His face is covered in ice cream and fudge. He is taking a bite of ice cream and dripping it around his mouth.
At Elaine's office.
Announcer: Holy cow it's a scorcher. Boy I bet you that guy can cover a lot of court. Hey buddy, they got a new invention. It's called a napkin. We'll take a station break and continue with more...
Coworker: You know, I just heard the Lexington line is out. Elaine: You are kidding me. How am I supposed to get to this meeting? Coworker: Take a car service. We have an account. Elaine: Oh forget it, I hate those. Everytime I take one, the driver will *not* stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Why does everything always have to have a social componant? Now a stage coach, that would have been a good situation for me. Cause I'm in the coach, and the driver is way up there on the stage. Coworker: Well you're not going to get a cab now. Four thirty in the afternoon? Read a magazine, keep your head down. Elaine: I guess that could work. At the tennis court concession stand. George is eating a sundae. At Jerry's apartment. Kramer is watching TV. Announcer: And that is it. The match to Ms. Natalia Valdoni. Comming up next, mens single, but for now let's stop a minute and take a look at our beautiful tennis center backdrop.
Elaine in the car service car. Driver: Dag Gavershole Plaza (sp?) huh? (Elaine ignores him) Pendant Publishing, that's books right? (Elaine is annoyed and still ignoring him) Miss? Elaine: Pardon me? Driver: Books, that's what you do? Elaine: Yeah. Driver: Yeah, I don't read much myself, (Elaine is annoyed) well you know besides the paper. Yeah a lot of people read to relax, but not me. You know what I do? Elaine: You know I'm having a lot of trouble, um, hearing you back here. So... Driver: (Yelling) I said you know what I do (Elaine is very annoyed) when I want to relax? The Jumble. Hey do you make a book of Jumbles? Elaine: I'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf. Driver: Going deaf? Elaine: What?
Jerry: I don't know, "Hi". Driver: Oh I'm sorry. Elaine: It can be very frustrating.
George: You think you're going to the other side with "Hi"? You're not going to make it.
Driver: Hey what about a hearing aid?
Elaine in the car service car.
Elaine: An I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who isn't. But you know you gotta live your life.
Radio: Base to 92 come in
Driver: No, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine looks pleased)
Radio: After this go back to city for a 6:00 pickup
At the tennis court.
Driver: Righteo
Jerry: I can't take my eyes off that lineswoman. That lineswoman is absolutely mesmerizing.
Radio: 794 Bleeker the party's Hanks. Tom Hanks.
George: Boy you are really smitten. Jerry: I gotta talk to her. What do you think? George: Cold? How are you going to do that? You're not one of those guys. Jerry: I'm going to psyche myself into it like those people that just walk across the hot coals.
Driver: Yes this is 92
Elaine: Tom Hanks? After me you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him. Driver: So I guess your hearing goes in and out huh? Elaine: Yeah. Yes it does... Driver: Yeah. You know what I think? I think you made that whole thing up. Elaine: No no, no no.
George: They're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side. Jerry: I have to. I won't be able to live with myself. George: Wait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger issue here. If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side. Take me with you. Jerry: I can't. George: What are you going to say?
Driver: Yeah yeah, I know your type. You're too good to make conversation with someone like me. Oh god forbid you could discuss the Jumbles. But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks, may I say he too would be disgusted by your behavior. At the tennis court. Jerry is standing behind the lineswoman. Jerry: Excuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's
nice. That's right ignore me. That's real polite. Nobody's even talking to you. All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got some kind of a cool job. I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf?
Elaine: You are kidding. That is amazing. (She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf.
Laura: Bingo. At Jerry's apartment.
Elaine: Oh didn't work. He caught me hearing. I know it's terrible, but I'm not a terrible person.
Kramer: And you're saying she's deaf.
Jerry and Kramer: No.
Jerry: I'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf.
Elaine: No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say "get out of here". I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people.
Kramer: Can't hear a thing.
Jerry: Wow good plan.
Jerry: Can't hear a thing. Jerry: That's nice. Kramer: And you're going to go out with her. Jerry: Yeah, isn't that something?
Elaine: Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away, you know, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.
Elaine enters. Jerry: That's nice for the freaks. Elaine: Hey. Jerry and Kramer: Hey. Kramer: Hey I know how to sign.
Elaine: Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see. I've got to make it up to this guy or I won't be able to live with myself. What can I do?
Jerry: Really? Kramer: Yeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin who lived with us for about a year. (signing as he speaks) So I haven't been able to do it in a while. Elaine: What is this about? Jerry: I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match.
Jerry: Why don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket area. Kramer: Yeah yeah Pete, he can get you great tickets to something. Like a rock concert. Whatever you like. Elaine: Oh, thanks Kramer. Kramer: You got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that
lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that.
Gwen: I was just trying to...
Jerry: Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball *boys*, not ball men. There are no ball men.
George: I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.
Elaine: Yeah I think he's right. I've never seen a ball man.
George: Yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out.
Kramer: Well there ought to be ball men.
George then looks confused like what he said just didn't sound right.
Jerry: All right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier.
Gwen: I'm sure you do it very well.
At Jerry's apartment. Jerry: But I thought things were going great.
Elaine: Hey you know a friend of mine from work said that she saw George at the tennis match on TV yesterday.
George: Yeah so did I. Jerry: Did she say why?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. He had it all over his face. He was wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard and they got in there real nice and tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping up ice cream.)
George: No. She tried to give me the "it's not you, it's me" routine. Jerry: But that's your routine. George: Yeah. Well aparently word's out.
At Monk's. Kramer enters. Gwen: I'm sorry George. George: I don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened. Gwen: It's not you, it's me.
Kramer: Hey, George, I saw you on TV yesterday. George: Really? At the tennis match? Kramer: Yeah you were at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae.
George: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me.
George: Get out of here. I didn't see any cameras there.
Gwen: All right, George, it's you.
Kramer: Oh, the cameras was, vrooom, there. The announcers, they made a couple of cracks about you.
George: You're *damn* right it's me.
George: Cracks? What were they saying? Kramer: That you had ice cream all over your face. They were talking about how funny you looked.
Jerry: He thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on TV. Elaine: Oh come on. If she's that superficial you don't want her.
George: Maybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what did it.
George: Yes I do.
Kramer: Well I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty sight.
Elaine: So I guess you're not going to Todd's party on Friday.
George: She must have seen me eating it on TV.
George: Well I can't now, Gwen's going to be there.
Jerry: So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? You really think she would be that superficial?
Kramer: Well she should be the one that shouldn't go.
George: Why not. I would be.
Jerry: Well if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the ettiquite?
The phone rings. Kramer: Excellent question. Jerry: Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye.
Jerry: I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life.
George: You're parents saw me on TV? Elaine: I beg to differ. Jerry: Yeah. Jerry: Really. George: This is nighmare. Kramer how long was I on?
Elaine: He's the *loser*. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils.
Kramer: It felt like 8 seconds. George: One-one-thousand, two-onethousand, three-one-thousand. Elaine enters.
Jerry: Well I don't care, I don't want to go anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic on Friday night. Elaine: Well we can take the car service from my office.
Elaine: I heard you *really* inhaled that thing. Did anyone tape it?
Jerry: Really?
George: Can we move on?
Elaine: Yeah, they don't know.
Kramer: All right, I'll see you later.
George: What are they saying now?
Jerry: Okay.
Laura: "It's not you, it's me."
George: "To the victor goes the spoils." What are you going to do tonight?
George: (Holding his drink up to his mouth) Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me.
Jerry: Oh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman.
Jerry: (Puts his hand over his mouth) What? George: Oh. (he stands there) Jerry: Why? (George fiddles with the lock on the door.) Well what are you doing? George: Well I was just going to wander the streets. Wouldn't want to tag along with you or anything.
George: (Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me. Jerry: (Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's not a novelty act, George. Where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas.
Jerry: Oh, uh, do you want to come with us? George: Jerry please, that's very nice, but, uh, (closes the door) where would we be going?
George: (Puts his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off.
At a Chinese restaurant.
Jerry: (Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't know George. I'm not sure about this.
George: So, I've got ice cream all over my face. There were no napkins there. Whoever it was that's responsible for stocking that concession stand cost me a relationship.
George: (Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed.
Laura: They never have napkins there.
Jerry: (Puts his hand on his chin over his mouth) All right.
Jerry: Let's get the check. (Waves in the air) Is this considered signing? Do you do this when you want the check? Really. I know a sign, that's my first sign.
Jerry: Uh Laura, George was wondering if... Laura: Sure. I'll do it.
Laura: Uh, oh. That couple is breaking up.
After the restaurant. Jerry at Laura's place.
George: They're breaking up? How do you know?
Jerry: So I really had a good time. Laura: Yeah, me too.
Jerry: She reads lips.
Jerry: So you want to go to the party on Friday night? Laura: Yeah. Jerry: All right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? (Laura looks offended). Six is good. (Laura looks offended and angry). You got a problem with six? (Laura opens the door and gets out). What? What?
Jerry: Well "six" and "sex" are close. George: It's two completely different sounds. "ih" and "eh". Jerry: Eh. George: It seems like a problem. Jerry: Well I'm not dating any other deaf women.
(Commercial) Kramer enters. At the tennis court. Man: Okay listen up people. There are plenty of you here, but we've only got two spots to fill. Good luck.
Kramer: Hey guess who's going to be the new ball man for the finals. Jerry: You're kidding.
Boy: Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years?
Kramer: Yeah. They said they haven't seen anybody go after balls with such gusto.
Kramer: I may be old, but I'm spry.
George: When is that car service comming?
Boy: The tryout lasts three and a half to four hours. Are you up for it?
Jerry: In five minutes. He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there.
Kramer: Oh I'll be up for it punk. Kramer fetches some balls, and he is doing some pretty fancy footwork.
George: If this lip reading thing works tonight do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend.
At Jerry's apartment. Jerry: I know. It's like X-ray vision. Jerry: See I was saying "six" but she thought I was saying "sex". We straightened the whole thing out though.
George: If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us.
George: She confused "six" with "sex"? Newman enters. Jerry: Yeah. George: Well if she can't tell "six" from "sex" then how is she going to lip read from across the room?
Newman: I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day.
Jerry: Can't do it Newman. Newman: But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours. Jerry: Not going to happen. Newman: (Sinister) All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information.
Elaine gets in. The driver looks up and notices her. He gets angry. A moment later, the group gets out of the car. Driver: Get out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the door. Kramer shuts the door and the car takes off, squeeling the tires. At the party.
In the car service car.
Jerry: You know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night.
Jerry: Oh just pull over right there by the stop sign.
Laura sees the group and gets up. She points to her watch.
Driver (The same driver as before): Pardon me sir?
Jerry: I know. I'm late. Hey now I know two signs, (puts his hand in the air) check, and (points to his watch) late. Hey this is the guy you helped become the first ball man.
Jerry: I said pull over by the stop sign. Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up agains the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. Metalla-something.
Kramer and Laura start signing to each other. We see confusion from them as they are signing. George puts his forhead on his hand.
Kramer: -ca.
Kramer: She doesn't know what she's talking about.
Driver: Huh?
Todd: Guys you made it.
George: What?
George: Hey hey.
Jerry: ca.
Todd: Sorry to hear about Gwen.
George: ah.
George: Why? Did she say something to you about why she broke up with me?
Driver: My ears are still ringing. Some woman's idea of a joke.
Todd: Oh no. Tonight will be the first chance I've had to talk to her. Look George,
I'm friends with both of you. I can't betray her confidence by telling you anything. George: I wouldn't hear of it, huh. It's none of my business. You should try to find out everything you possibly can. In fact, I'll even stay all the way on the other side of the room so there's no chance of me overhearing anything. Todd: You are so centered.
Kramer: "Why don't you stick around and we can sleep together." George: What? Kramer: "You want me to sleep with you?" Todd: I don't want to sweep alone. Kramer: He says "I don't want to sleep alone." She says, oh boy, "love to."
George: (to the others) Let's go, let's go. All right what are they saying?
George walks across the room over to them.
Gwen and Todd talk. Laura makes hand signs and Kramer translates.
George: So you're getting rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together?
Kramer: "Hi Gwen, hi tide."
Gwen: What? You're crazy.
Jerry: Hi tide?
Kramer: "What? You're crazy."
Kramer: Hi Todd.
George: I heard your whole conversation.
Kramer: "You've got something between your teeth"
Gwen: How? Kramer: "How?"
George: What? Kramer: No that's what he said. "That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup." So do I. Elaine: She's so wild. Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon? Jerry: No. If I lend her to you I'll have to lend her to everybody.
George: (looks back to the group) I can read lips. You said let's sleep together. Gwen: No I didn't. I said "sweep". Let's sweep together, you know with a broom. Cleaning up. Kramer: "... with a broom, cleaning up." George: Sweep? Gwen: Yes sweep.
Gwen: I don't envy you Todd. The place is going to be a mess. Todd: Maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together.
Kramer: "Yes sweep." George: Cut it. Kramer: George says "Cut it."
Laura gets into the car service car. George: Cut it. Kramer: George is saying "Cut it." George: Cut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling) Would you stop signing? She said "sweep together" you idiots, not "sleep together." Laura's mouth is wide open. She looks at Kramer and points to George. She is mad at Kramer. Aparently she did say sweep and Kramer mis-translated. She signs to Kramer.
Driver (The same driver as before): You with the tennis center? Laura: Yep. Driver: Hey how about that ball man injuring Monica Sellas. Wasn't that something. Laura. I'm deaf. Driver: Oh. (Very suspicious look on his face.)
Kramer: I know how to sign. Kramer and Laura are arguing back and forth with sign language. They are gesturing signs fiercely. One of Laura's signs causes her hand to swing backwards and hit George in the face. George: Ow. My eye, my eye. (Commercial) At the tennis court.
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Elaine: It's so amazing getting to see Monica Sellas playing in the finals. Jerry: I know and on the first tournament of her comeback. Kramer is sitting poised on the sideline. He waves back to the group. George and Elaine gives him a thumbs up. The two players hit the ball back and forth. The ball lands in the net. Kramer springs into action running toward the ball and runs into Monica Sellas. Monica falls to the ground in pain. Jerry: Thus ends the great ball man experiment.
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The Non Fat Yogurt Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
George See, how could this not have any fat? It's too good. Elaine You want to taste mine? shane (shane@englishcampus.co.kr) [Shane's AFKN Comedy]
George Oh, you want to taste mine.
Jerry I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."
Elaine No, I don't.
Elaine Hmm!
George What do you mean?
George Fantastic!
Jerry He invested in it.
Jerry I told you. How good is this?
George No kidding?
George Good. Jerry How good?
Jerry Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so *beep*ing good.
George Very good.
Lady Jerry!
Elaine They got blue berries. And there's real blue berries. What kind did you get?
Jerry Oh, I'm sorry.
Jerry Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and they put it in.
George Okay, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours. Elaine All right, let's just forget it. Jerry You know, Kramer's going to clean up on this place.
Elaine All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little bit more, okay? George Oh, god. Look who's here.
Elaine Let me test-taste that.
Jerry Who is it?
Jerry Huh? Huh?
George This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.
Elaine Hmm! Rico! Jerry Suave! And it's non-fat!
Jerry Oh, really?
Lloyd Hey, George!
Lloyd Well, I'm really sorry I got to run now. Well, take it easy, huh, George?
George Hey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry. George Yeah! Yeah. L&J Hi! Elaine Boy, he is really cute! Lloyd So, I hear you're living back home now? George Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.
George He's a jerk. Jerry He's gone, George. George All right. All right.
Lloyd Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh? Something wrong with your arm? George Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves involuntarily.
Kramer So, there were a lot of people there, huh? Jerry Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune. Kramer Yeah. Jerry They're doing an incredible business.
Lloyd Wow, that's a bitch, huh? Kramer Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it. Lloyd So, how are your parents doing? Jerry How did you know? George Oh, pretty good. Lloyd This place does some business, huh?
Kramer Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.
George Yeah, this is my first time here. Jerry Yeah? Lloyd Hey, she's a doll. Elaine Buzz me. Elaine Hi! George Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.
Jerry Oh. Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes.
Elaine Hi! Kramer Yeah, but did you tape it? Lloyd Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you. Elaine Nice to meet you, too!
Jerry Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your
feet up?
Kramer I told you.
Kramer Yes!
Elaine Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds?
Jerry I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.
Jerry How did I gain eight? Elaine Hey! Kramer Hey!
Elaine I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.
Jerry What's the matter? Elaine Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork. Jerry Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that.
Jerry Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt. Kramer No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.
Kramer Yow!
Jerry Well, how else could this have happened?
Elaine What?
Kramer Well, maybe it's the Oreos.
Kramer Well, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you look like you put on five, ten pounds.
Elaine I don't eat Oreos.
Jerry Kramer!
Kramer You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open? You're ~ practically having sex with them.
Kramer I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy.
Jerry What about me?
Jerry Me?
Jerry Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.
Kramer Yeah.
Kramer Oh, guess again, Tubby!
Jerry No.
Elaine Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.
Elaine Where's your bathroom scale? Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.
Kramer You? You're getting old.
Jerry There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing.
Jerry I've gained eight. Elaine Gasp! I've got it.
Kramer What? Elaine I'll call the Food and Drug Administration. Kramer Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.
Lloyd Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother, and so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello". Mom Georgie. Come here and say hello. Dad How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for Dinkins now. Lloyd That's right. Hey, George.
Jerry Well, let's start the insanity. George Hey, Lloyd. How's it going? Kramer Giddy-up! Dad Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy Tune dancing?
Lloyd I ran into George yesterday in the city. Mom Ow! What's the matter with you?
George No.
Lloyd So, uh, how's the arm, huh?
Mom I like tap dancing.
George Oh, it's good. It's good.
Dad Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.
Mom What's the matter with your arm? George Nothing.
Mom Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.
Lloyd Oh, his arm moves like this.
George What's for supper?
Dad Your arm moves like this?
Mom Somebody's at the door.
George Yeah.
Dad Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.
Dad I never seen your arm move like this. Mom Me, either.
Mom Lloyd? George Well, it comes and goes. Lloyd Hello, Mrs. Costanza. Dad It's like some kind of a spasm. Mom Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here. Dad Hey! Lloyd! Mom What are you doing here?
Lloyd Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.
Mom Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him? Dad You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You discussed George with the mayor of New York? Mom Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you. George You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor - there's really nothing they can do.
Lady Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*, *beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my *beep*ing cupcake? Jerry Gee, I'm really sorry. Lady He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him? Jerry I'd be happy to. Lady Thank you.
Dad Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?
Jerry Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?
George All right. All right. I'll go. Lady No *beep*ing way! Lloyd Well, that's great. And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis.
Lloyd Well, it was very nice seeing you again.
Elaine Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. Okay. I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there.
Mom Oh, it was good seeing you.
Jerry And they said they can do it?
George Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.
Elaine Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.
Mom You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?
Jerry All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen. Elaine Hm-hmm.
Lloyd Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw you with the other day?
Lloyd She is. She is. How about giving me her number? George Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it.
Lady Well, I hope you're satisfied. Jerry What?
Mom She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine Benice.
Jerry How's it doing? Lloyd Oh, great. Thanks a lot! Elaine Not too good. George Yeah! Lloyd So long. Mom Bye! Oh, that Lloyd Braun. He is something, isn't he?
Kramer Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting. Jerry So what. Kramer It changes the molecules.
Newman Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line!
Jerry Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
Jerry Hello, Newman.
Kramer Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.
Newman Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here!
Jerry You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking back. Elaine Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested.
Owner Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son, huh?
Labbie Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?
Jerry It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.
Elaine Yeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted?
Elaine I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, right?
Labbie No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days. Elaine That's okay.
Owner That's right. Kramer Hello, there. Elaine 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have any fat.
Labbette Hello! Kramer Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!
Owner Yeah, well, there is no fat. Jerry What do you got there? Newman Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends. Elaine Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!
Labbie Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol work up on it.
Jerry Oh. Elaine Hey! Elaine Okay, I'm done. G&J Hey. Labbette It was really nice meeting you. Elaine So, guess who called me. Kramer Well, the pleasure's all mine. George Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd? Jerry You can't take that chemist out. Elaine We're going out tomorrow night. Kramer Why not? Jerry Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered. Kramer I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.
George Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since. Elaine I can't say that.
Jerry Well, I think the whole thing stinks. George Why not? Elaine It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.
Elaine What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?
Jerry That's enough. George So, you're taking his side? Elaine What? Jerry Well, with the smells.
Elaine No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us.
George So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.
George Already you're marrying this guy? Elaine You never know.
Jerry Uh-huh. George And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying. Jerry Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient. George I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.
George All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him. Elaine All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? Even you can't keep that up. Jerry No, I believe he can. Lady Hi!
Kramer I hear you. Jerry Hi! Labbette Non-fat? Lady You know Jerry. Son Of course, he's the funny *beep*er.
Kramer Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet?
Lady See!
Labbette No.
Jerry Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do.
Kramer Well, this is in case there's a tie!
Son You did it. Jerry That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. Excuse me one second. Elaine You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.
Elaine Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh? Lloyd Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire. Elaine Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.
George Yeah, yeah. Big advisor. Lloyd Name tags, hmm? Elaine He tells him which soap to use. Jerry What the *beep* are you doing? You little piece of *beep*. Labbette Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard.
Elaine Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town. Lloyd Maybe I'll mention that to him. Elaine Really? Wow!
Kramer Where's the lights. Whoa! Lloyd You sure you don't want any yogurt? Labbette How about this? Elaine No, I'm watching my weight. Kramer Yeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste? It's Cappuccino.
Lloyd Well, it's nonfat.
Labbette It's delicious.
Elaine Yeah, so they say.
Lloyd Well, should we go?
wilding today? Herb!"
Elaine Yeah. Okay.
Kramer He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags!
Elaine Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat. Jerry He said that? Elaine No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a lot of woman!" Kramer Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?
Jerry Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat! Kramer Yeow! George The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh! Doctor Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.
Jerry No, but I expect to hear anytime. George Please, doctor. Kramer Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up. Doctor I've examined you. Jerry Why do you say that? George Yes. Kramer No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?
Doctor I've looked at your X-rays.
Elaine No. What about him?
George Uh-huh.
Kramer You didn't hear?
Doctor And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Elaine Un-huh. George Hmm. Really? Nothing? Kramer He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags.
Doctor Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
Jerry Name tags?
George Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
Kramer Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another. Jerry Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw
Doctor No, not really. George How so?
Doctor May I suggest the possibility that you're faking? George Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that? Doctor I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye.
Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement. Giuliani It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat. Jerry Yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it. Elaine Now look what you've done.
George Now, see here, doctor. Doctor I said, good-bye.
Jerry Well, we've got to do something. I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.
George Fine. Ow! Elaine Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store. Jerry Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up. Kramer Okay. News Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd
George Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in an idea like that. Dad I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away. George I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. And . . . Mom Be quiet. They're starting the press conference. Giuliani My campaign staff has received some very disturbing
information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt.
election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office. Jerry So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election. Elaine I wonder what actually happened in that lab. Kramer Yeah, me, too. Newman I can't eat this.
Jerry The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.
Boy Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*!
George Phew! Elaine Oh, it stinks. Home Kramer Mine, too. I got one more day. Jerry I can't eat this. Newman Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy. Jerry It had fat in it, it's not good for you. Newman I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it. Elaine Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the
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Episode 72 Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff Cast: Jerry Seinfeld - Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Castanza - Jason Alexander Elaine Benes - Julia Louis-Drefus Kramer - Michael Richards Guest Stars:
At Monk's Enzo - Anthony Ponzini Gino - David Ciminello
George: I want you to have this job. Of course...
Mr. Pensky - Michael Fairman
Jerry: Yeah?
Mr. Tuttle - Jack Shearer
George: That's it.
Mike - Kenny Myles
Jerry: What do you mean that's it?
Clarisse - Peggy Maltby
George: He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview.
Customer - David Richardson Jerry: "Of course" was the last thing he said? --------------------------------------------------------------------Mr. Tuttle: Well George we here at Sanalac like to think of ourselves as a fairly progressive company. We
George: Maybe he was going to say "Of course I have to check with my associates." Elaine: "I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be
have a small but prestigious group of clients. serving time." George: Well a lot of people consider me small and prestigious. Mr. Tuttle: That's funny George. You're very quick. I feel like I, like I don't have to explain every little thing to you. You understand everything immediately. George: I enjoy understanding. Mr. Tuttle: I want you to have this job. Of course... Secretary: Mr. Zimmer is on line 2. Mr. Tuttle: Thanks. I've got to take this call. Listen, I'm really glad that you came in. (commercial)
Jerry: "I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite." George: All right. Elaine: Why don't you go ahead and call him? George: Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what impressed him. Jerry: So if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose the job. George: And if I don't call... Jerry: You might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind of company is it?
George: Rest stop supply.
Jerry: I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.
Kramer comes in and sits down.
Kramer: Polio?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey.
Elaine: Will you go ahead? You need a haircut.
Jerry: Shower? Jerry: Okay. Kramer: Haircut. Kramer: What are you all dressed up for? Jerry: Who'd you use? Gino? George: I had a job interview. Kramer: Oh course. I wouldn't let that other butcher cut my hair.
Kramer: Yeah. How'd it go?
Elaine: What butcher?
George: Good. Of course...
Kramer: The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses.
At the barber shop Enzo: Oh Jerry.
Jerry: Well I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.
Jerry: Oh hi Enzo.
Elaine: You never get good haircuts.
Enzo: Oh, you've come for the haircut.
Kramer: You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself.
Jerry: No, actually I was just...
Jerry: Really?
Enzo: It's my day off, but I take care of you anyway because you're my favorite customer. You've been
Elaine: Yeah. You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor
with me for so long. You're so loyal.
auction. Kramer: What bachelor auction? Elaine: Oh it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity. Kramer: And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio.
Jerry: Well I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave) Enzo: (He pulls Jerry into the barber chair. Jerry is trying to get away but can't.) Eh, what's the difference. It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you. Jerry: Well I don't want to take too much off.
Enzo: Hey who's your barber, eh? You tell the joke, I cut the hair. Man: Gino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had. At Jerry's apartment. Jerry is sitting down on the couch with a really bad haircut. He is holding a mirror. Jerry and George are
Kramer: His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself. I'm not going to let you. If you don't call him I will. Jerry: No Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that. Kramer: I'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're going to get that haircut fixed up.
looking in disbelief at the haircut. Jerry: I don't want you to call him. George: He massacred you. You look like you're five years old. Jerry: What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps. George: You've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this relationship. Jerry: I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd
Kramer: All right, geez. You're crazy. Kramer leaves. George: So I still haven't heard about that job. Jerry: Yeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about that? George: I have an idea.
have to pass him every day when I go by.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: You gotta do it.
George: I show up.
Jerry: I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.
Jerry: What do you mean you show up?
Kramer enters. He flinches when he sees the haircut.
George: I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't
Kramer: No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo. Jerry: He did the job. You told me he wasn't going to be there. Kramer: So what? Jerry: I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced. Jerry: Hmm. Not bad. George: What's the worst thing that could happen?
Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out
You know I should ask Jack.
in shame with your tail between your legs.
George: Oh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office.
George: Yeah, so?
Mike: Really?
At the office.
George: Yes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love
George: (to various people as he walks in) Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi nice to see you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning.
to be nestled. Mike: All right, it's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file, you can start working on that.
Secretary: How can I help you? George: The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell
George: Yes, yes of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out.
me where my office is. Secretary: I wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. He's starting here today. Mike: Welcome aboard. George: Thanks Mike. Nice to be aboard. Mike: I wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing. George: Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation. Secretary: He wants to know where his office is. Mike: Oh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down the hall there and a small one over here.
George walks into his office. He sets down his briefcase and coat and sits down. He quickly flips through the folder, then drops the folder on his desk with a big thud. Camera shot at the clock on his wall. The clock says 9:00. A moment later, the clock flips to 5:00. George puts the folder in his briefcase. He picks up the briefcase and his coat and he walks out. At Monk's. Jerry is wearing a baseball cap. Jerry: So what did you do there all day? George: They gave me the Pensky file.
Jerry: So it's a nice place to work? George: You know I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me. *flashback* (a white fuzzy border is around the TV screen) George: (continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made a toast.
the air. Elaine and George are still laughing. George pounds his fist on the table. Elaine: (still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Jerry: Well I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to that bachelor auction. Elaine: What? No Jerry, you have to go. George: You know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day. Elaine: (dryly) Yeah, too bad.
*end flashback* Jerry: What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you? George: He'll be back on Monday. Elaine enters and sits down. Jerry: Hi. Elaine: Hi. How come you're wearing a hat?
At the barber shop. Gino is giving Kramer a shave. Kramer: It the worst haircut Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it. Gino: Sure, I fix it. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody. He's a little crazy. I don't know what
Jerry: I got a haircut.
he'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair. (Enzo enters) So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the
Elaine: Oh yeah? Can I see it?
best movie I've ever seen.
Jerry: Oh there's nothing to see. Elaine: Come on. Let me see it.
Enzo: Oh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me
Jerry: Forget it.
one person who's got hand like scissors.
Elaine: Come on.
Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
Jerry: All right. Jerry takes off his baseball cap. Elaine bursts out laughing. George starts laughing. Jerry rolls his eyes in
Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? (yelling) What are you going to do
on the toilet?
Gino: It's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean up.
Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands. "The Barber of Seville" music is playing. At Monk's. Kramer: Okay listen to me. I talked to Gino, he's going to fix the haircut. Elaine: Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction.
Gino picks up the chair and puts it into the closet. He picks up a broom and sweeps some hair into the next room. *knock, knock, knock*
Jerry: Yeah, but how am I... Gino opens the door. Kramer: No buts. His apartment tonight, Eight o'clock.
Gino: Uncle Enzo, what are you doing here?
Elaine: Can he fix it?
Enzo: I've come to apologize.
Kramer: I don't know.
Gino: Apologize?
At Gino's apartment.
Enzo: Yes. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands. That Johnny Depp, he make me cry.
Gino: Boy, you've got a beautiful head of hair. Jerry: Thank you. Gino: I bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time.
Gino: He make me cry too. You want something to drink? Enzo: Hey, what's all of this? Gino: Nothing. It's just hair.
Jerry: Well actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while.
Enzo: You do haircut in the apartment?
Gino: I don't think uncle Enzo realize what a lucky barber he is.
Gino: No. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall off. He's going bald.
Jerry: That's nice of you to say.
Enzo: It looks very familiar.
The buzzer buzzes.
(commercial)
Gino: Just a second. Yes.
At Jerry's apartment.
Enzo: (over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo.
Jerry: In the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really good.
Kramer: Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive. I told you he could do it.
Elaine: What would you wear? Kramer: Whatever it takes.
Jerry: Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor. Kramer: Yeah, so?
At the barber shop. Enzo: See, now Newman is a good customer.
Jerry: I think he knew. Kramer: No. He doesn't know. Jerry: Who do you know? He knows my hair. Kramer: Listen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing. Now come on. Pull yourself together. Jerry: Okay, okay.
Newman: Once I find a barber I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it. Enzo: Oh, not everyone like Newman, so loyal. Newman: Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special. Enzo: You know I don't mind if somebody's funny, but I no like the funny business.
Elaine enters. Elaine: What happened? It looks the same.
Gino: I'm going to go out for a little bit. I'll be right back.
Jerry: He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught.
Enzo: Take your time. (Gino leaves) You happy with the haircut?
Elaine: Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.
Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
Jerry: Take the K-man.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
Elaine: You can still go. Newman: What's the catch? Kramer: What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque.
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Elaine: You think? Kramer: Do I think? He's repugnant. Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad. It doesn't work.
Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts. And a comb. At George's office.
George is "playing the drums" on his desk. He is tapping his desk with pencils.
Secretary: (speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing his car.
*buzz* Pensky: Damn this city. Secretary: (over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you.
Pensky leaves.
George: Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?
George: I am aware. I am aware.
Pensky enters.
At Jerry's apartment.
Pensky: Costanza? Arthur Pensky.
Gino: He knows. He knows about us.
George: Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this
Jerry: How do you know?
flexible accordion-style folder.
Gino: Because I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the hair. He *staring* at the hair.
Pensky: Where's Tuttle?
*knock knock knock*
George: He's on vacation.
Jerry: Who is it?
Pensky: He was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me my file. (looks through the file) Looks
Newman: It's Newman. Gino: He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here.
like you put a lot of work into this. George: Well you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog.
Jerry: All right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go out the fire escape. Jerry opens the door.
Pensky: Hey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me?
Jerry: What do you want? Newman: Can I use your bathroom?
George: Really? Jerry: What's wrong with yours? Pensky: You are aware... Newman: My toilet's clogged. *buzz* Jerry: You can't unclog it? Secretary: (over the speaker) Mr. Castanza? Newman: No. George: Not now Florice.
Jerry: Did you ask Kramer?
Jerry: You want something to drink?
Newman: He's out.
Newman: No.
Jerry: Number one?
Newman tries again as Jerry goes to his couch. Newman follows behind Jerry closely. Newman puts the
Newman: Yes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go very badly. Jerry: All right. Flush twice.
scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors. Jerry looks at Newman
He goes in the bathroom. confused. Newman: (thinking to himself) (checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't believe this. There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't have at least *one* hair in a brush. (searches the bathtub drain) Unbelievable, nothing. (sees some scissors) Ahh. Jerry: You all right? Newman: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: If you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of a barber. Newman reaches behind Jerry and get a snip of hair. Newman: Gotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel (reaches down and picks up the hair.) Newman leaves laughing. Jerry looks confused.
Jerry: All right, I'll see you later. At the barber shop. Newman: What are you doing? Jerry: I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.
Enzo: Did you get it? Oh you done good Newman.
Newman: Oh, can I watch a little? It's my favorite movie.
Newman: It was a cinch. Where are you going?
Jerry: Yeah all right.
Enzo: Io volgio vandetta.
Newman follows behind Jerry closely as Jerry goes to the kitchen. Newman puts the scissors close up to
At the auction house.
Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors.
Elaine: Nine hundred. Do I hear a thousand? Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate. Woman: A thousand.
Elaine: A thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a thousand three times, sold to the lucky
Jerry: Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door) One second.
lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much.
Enzo: It was you that was in Gino's apartment the other night.
Kramer peeks out the curtain and comes out and walks around on stage.
Jerry: No I wasn't there.
Elaine: Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate. Kramer: Equivalent.
Enzo: Don't lie. I know it was you. I get a sample of your hair. I match them up. Jerry: Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I was just dropping off a book.
Elaine: Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. He's uh, selfemployed. He's...
Gino: Don't Jerry.
I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut.
Gino: Yes it's true.
Enzo: So, it's true.
Enzo: I'm going to kill the both of you. Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over and Kramer falls off. Elaine: Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks? At Jerry's apartment. Jerry: I don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be like a super hero, like Green Lantern or somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just asking.
Enzo notices "Edward Scissorhands" playing on the TV and becomes calm. At the office. George is at his desk sleeping with a newspaper draped over him. Tuttle walks in. He bangs on the door. George wakes up. George: Mr. Tuttle, you're back.
*knock, knock, knock*
Tuttle: George, I'm surprised to see you here.
Jerry: Who is it?
George: You are?
Enzo: (yelling) Enzo Manginero.
Tuttle: I though you would have taken the large office.
"Barber of Seville" music playing. George: Oh. Really.
(commercial) Tuttle: I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's that Pensky file? Let's see what you've been up to all week. (pages through the file) What have you been doing all week? George: Well you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace. Tuttle: You haven't done anything with this. George: Well bear in mind that I am in the smaller office.
Pensky: Gee George, I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. What is was going to say was, now you are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself included, and we're prohibited from doing business until the investigation is completed. So obviously, we would have no use for you. George: Obviously. *buzz*
Tuttle: I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.
Pensky: Yes.
George: You are aware that Pensky is interested in me.
Secretary: (over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.
Tuttle: (scoffs) You're not Pensky material.
George waves his hand and the final note of "Barber of Seville" plays.
George: Well, we'll just see about that. Tata, Tut-tle. At Jerry's apartment. Gino and Enzo are watching "Edward Scissorhands" on TV. They are both sobbing. At the barber shop. "Barber of Seville" music is playing. Jerry looks in the barber shop window and sees Newman giving a guy a haircut. He enters. Newman looks ... at him scared. Jerry picks up an electric razor and walks toward Newman. Newman is very frightened.
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(Elaine's on the phone with Jerry) JERRY: No eight years isn't such a long streak. ELAINE: It isn't?
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JERRY: No I haven't vomited in thirteen years. ELAINE: Get out! JERRY: Not since June 29, 1980. ELAINE: You remember the date?
Transcribed by Christian Fecteau Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks) [Setting: Night club] JERRY: If there's a serial killer lose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? "Oh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down. And % these women who always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people and she goes: "You know sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore".
JERRY: Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again." ELAINE: Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal. JERRY: Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York. ELAINE: Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up) JOANNE: Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop. ELAINE: Oh, yeah? JOANNE: Yeah. What's his name? ELAINE: Joel...
[setting: Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment]
JOANNE: Joel what?
ELAINE: Uh... Rifkin.
ELAINE: You can't ask a person to change their name.
MICHAEL: Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?
JERRY: Why not?
ELAINE: Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.
ELAINE: Would you change yours?
MICHAEL: Guess you better keep on his good side.
JERRY: If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld. (Kramer enters)
ELAINE: Very funny. That's very funny. JOANNE: I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.
ELAINE: Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen? JERRY: Yeah. Eighteen strangles.
ELAINE: All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough. MICHAEL: Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car... ELAINE: (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up!
KRAMER: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. (saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels) ELAINE: You know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game.
(scene ends) (Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer pops in again) [setting: Jerry's] KRAMER: I'll go. ELAINE: The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin.
ELAINE: O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call.
JERRY: But you like your Joel Rifkin.
KRAMER: Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again)
ELAINE: Yeah. I just wish he has a different name.
ELAINE: You think I should have asked George?
JERRY: Ask him to change it.
JERRY: Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen?
ELAINE: Karen? (scene ends) JERRY: Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him) ELAINE: Oh! The Risotto broad. JERRY: Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight. ELAINE: I tought you didn't like double dates. JERRY: George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality. ELAINE: I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.
[setting: The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant')] (Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They got a table!) GEORGE: (George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to her: "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?" KAREN: That is so funny. GEORGE: (to Jody) You're listening to this? JODI: Yeah. I heard you.
JERRY: He feels he's funnier, more relaxed. ELAINE: And you're taking...
JERRY: (to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here.
JERRY: Jody the masseuse.
JODI: (to George) So what did she say?
ELAINE: Hey, did you get a massage yet?
GEORGE: Well nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing)
JERRY: No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage? ELAINE: Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates. JERRY: Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex.
JODI: You just said that you said it. GEORGE: Sweetheart, I was exaggerating. KAREN: I'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you like this.
ELAINE: So what?
JERRY: (touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here.
JERRY: Well it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato.
GEORGE: You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.
JODI: How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive? GEORGE: Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart. JODI: (to Jerry) Can we go? JERRY: Yeah. Let's go.
JERRY: I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work. JODI: So what's the deal with your friend George? JERRY: No deal. Why? JODI: What was all that "attractive women not getting tickets" nonsense? JERRY: He was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.
KAREN: So soon? (they get up) JERRY: Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen. KAREN: Yeah.
JODI: I don't know how you can hang out with that guy. JERRY: Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder)
JODI: Nice meeting you Karen. KAREN: Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna call you about that massage. JODI: Oh yeah. GEORGE: Jody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug but she avoids him)
JODI: Did you see the way that he was eating? JERRY: Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV) JODI: I have to tell you, I really don't like him.
JODI: Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away) (scene ends)
JERRY: Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder) JODI: It's just I hate that type.
[setting: Jerry's place later that night] JERRY: Yeah, he's a bad seed. (Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch, watching TV)
JODI: Now you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry)
JERRY: I strained my neck last night. JERRY: What are you doing? JODI: Really, how?
JODI: What do you think I'm doing? (he won't get his massage...)
GEORGE: No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend.
(scene ends)
KAREN: George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango' while saying: "instead of the movie...")
[setting: The Chinese restaurant] (George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave)
GEORGE: He he he he
GEORGE: So, what do you think?
KAREN: Ah ah ah ah
KAREN: Really enjoyed it.
GEORGE: So you think she likes me?
GEORGE: Jody's nice.
(Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table)
KAREN: She's very nice. (grabs George's hand) Let's discuss this later.
(scene ends)
GEORGE: You think she liked me? She seemed to like me.
[setting: Elaine's place]
KAREN: Yeah GEORGE: I was personable. Don't you think I was personable? KAREN: You were *extremely* personable.
(She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly behind her to massage her neck.) ELAINE: (as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing?
GEORGE: I tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything?
JOEL: Massaging your neck.
KAREN: I didn't pick up anything.
JOEL: Uh, boning up on football? (talking about the magazine she's reading as he sits beside her)
GEORGE: The second time I sent the noodle back, I tought she made a face...
ELAINE: Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.
GEORGE: I tought I saw a face.
ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Dion these days. What a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Dion.
KAREN: Anyhow, what is the difference?
JOEL: Dion Benes?
KAREN: I didn't see a face.
ELAINE: Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever-- Dion Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.
JERRY: I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating.
JOEL: D-Dion Rifkin?
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: Well maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great!
GEORGE: We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant.
JOEL: Elaine! What is going on?
GEORGE: Is that it?
(scene ends)
JERRY: Pretty much.
GEORGE: So we had a good time... the four of us.
JERRY: Yeah. GEORGE: What did Jodi say? JERRY: She had a good time.
GEORGE: Did she say anything about, uh... [setting: Monk's] JERRY: What? (Jerry and George at a booth) GEORGE: She stayed over? JERRY: Yeah. (disappointed)
GEORGE: Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time. JERRY: Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee)
GEORGE: The sex wasn't so good? GEORGE: You just hesitated. JERRY: No. The sex was fabulous. JERRY: I was blowing on the coffee. GEORGE: So? GEORGE: She didn't like me? JERRY: I want the massage! GEORGE: Did you ask her?
JERRY: Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her.
JERRY: I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it.
GEORGE: So she doesn't like me?
GEORGE: Why not?
GEORGE: She said that?
JERRY: No.
JERRY: Yes. GEORGE: She told you she doesn't like me!
GEORGE: Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: it's so great to be all here)
JERRY: Yes.
JERRY: What are you doing here?
GEORGE: What were her exact--
JODI: I was giving Kramer a massage.
JERRY: "I don't like him."
JERRY: Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous)
GEORGE: Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?
JODI: I got to run. I have an appointment downtown.
JERRY: Not everybody likes everybody! GEORGE: I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?
GEORGE: Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you.
JERRY: You were very nice!
JODI: No that's O.K.
GEORGE: I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister? JERRY: It has nothing to do with her sister.
GEORGE: Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him)
GEORGE: I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking!
JERRY: I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe)
(scene ends)
KRAMER: Hey! I am looser than creamed corn!
[setting: hall in Jerry's building]
JERRY: Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet!
(George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's) GEORGE: You vomited in 1987.
KRAMER: You don't know what you're missing buddy.
JERRY: Oh no. That was the dry heaves.
(they enter Jerry's apartment)
(Jodi is in front of Jerry's door)
(scene ends)
JERRY: Jodi. [setting: street in front of Jerry's building] JODI: Hey, Jerry.
(George and Jodi)
JERRY: So you had a good time.
GEORGE: No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me.
KRAMER: Oh... yeah...
JODI: You've never met. (the cab starts and George is following to keep talking to Jodi)
KRAMER: What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking)
GEORGE: Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away)
JERRY: The massages are out!
JERRY: Enjoyed yourself. KRAMER: Very... much... JERRY: All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch)
KRAMER: Wha-JERRY: Ahh!!! They're out! KRAMER: Why?!
(scene ends) JERRY: Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one. [setting: Jerry's apartment] (Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of cheese on the kitchen counter) KRAMER: (Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch)
KRAMER: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out! JERRY: I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen) KRAMER: Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking) JERRY: Don't you ever talk about her like that! KRAMER: But why? JERRY: That's final!!! KRAMER: Ah!!! Yahh!!! (scene ends)
TICKET MAN: I'm afraid not. [setting: Giants Stadium] (Elaine and Joel) ELAINE: Oh, you have photos in your wallet? JOEL: Yeah. Why? Is that weird? ELAINE: No, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this?
KRAMER: Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer. TICKET MAN: I'm sorry. I need proof. KRAMER: Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day.
JOEL: That's my mother.
TICKET MAN: Neither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the person who left the ticket.
ELAINE: Oh yeah. I see the resemblance.
KRAMER: Where is a phone?
JOEL: No, there's no resemblance.
(scene ends)
ELAINE: Yeah, there is, right here you see-JOEL: Elaine, I was adopted. ELAINE: (pause) Oh. That's nice. JOEL: The game's about to start. I wonder where your friend Kramer is. (scene ends) [setting: ticket counter] KRAMER: (to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer.
[setting: back to Elaine and Joel watching the game] ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. (the crowd stops cheering and we see a football player distracted from the game while hearing the announcer saying Joel Rifkin) JOEL: Who would be calling me here? (he stands up and look around) ELAINE: (to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer.
TICKET MAN: Here it is. I need some I.D. (scene ends) KRAMER: Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet. [setting: Jerry's apartment] TICKET MAN: Well, I can't give it to you then.
(Kramer enters, moaning)
KRAMER: Are you kidding me?
KRAMER: Oh, God.
(George and Karen at a booth) JERRY: What's the matter with you? KRAMER: Jerry, I need another massage! JERRY: You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for? KRAMER: Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving. JERRY: Oh please. KRAMER: And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! It's killing me Jerry!
GEORGE: So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things? KAREN: Of course. GEORGE: No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table. KAREN: What, do you think I've never had a massage before? GEORGE: Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it! KAREN: George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her.
JERRY: Well, did you get the ball? KRAMER: Oh I got the ball.
GEORGE: I wanna know what I did to this woman.
JERRY: Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.
KAREN: What, you got a little thing for her?
KRAMER: Well, It's quite a thrill.
GEORGE: No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.
JERRY: Why don't you get somebody else? KRAMER: Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best. JERRY: Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's".
KAREN: What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you? GEORGE: Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!
KRAMER: What about my massage? (scene ends) JERRY: Ask Newman. (scene ends)
[setting: Elaine's apartment] (Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch)
[setting: Monk's]
ELAINE: Of course I support your decision to change your name.
JOEL: Alex.
JOEL: After the Giant game I realized that this--this problem isn't going away.
ELAINE: I gotta tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex.
ELAINE: Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.
JOEL: Bad bad association?
JOEL: O.K. you got your list?
ELAINE: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to drop the class.
ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. 10 names.
(scnen ends)
JOEL: Sure? ELAINE: (she fakes a strangling) RRR...
JOEL: Right. [setting: Jerry's place] ELAINE: O.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it. JOEL: O.K. ELAINE: O.K. You start. What's your first choice?
(Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table. New age music is playing, and the lights are shaded) JODI: Hey. JERRY: Hi.
JOEL: Stuart. ELAINE: (right away) No. Second choice.
JODI: Hi. (kissing) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over.
JOEL: Stu--Stuart's no good? JERRY: Ah, no problem. That's fine. ELAINE: I've never met a normal guy named Stuart. JOEL: O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd. ELAINE: (repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto. JOEL: All right. Oh, Hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third choice. ELAINE: Great...
JODI: What's with this music? JERRY: That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table) JODI: What are you doing?
JERRY: Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment. JODI: Actually, I should get a new one. JERRY: Nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table)
GEORGE: You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket) I've got to. KAREN: You're going now?
JODI: So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder)
GEORGE: I think I can still catch her.
JERRY: Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice.
KAREN: All right George. I have had just about enough of this.
JODI: (she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this.
GEORGE: I know. I know.
JERRY: Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders)
GEORGE: What? What are you talking about. KAREN: I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her!
KAREN: Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick?
JERRY: No. Yes you can. (he hangs on)
GEORGE: (he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door)
JODI: No, I can't!
KAREN: Well, now *I* hate you!
JERRY: Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table)
GEORGE: That I'm used to. (he leaves)
JODI: I can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away)
(scene ends)
(scene ends) [setting: back to Elaine's place] [setting: Karen's place]
JOEL: Ned?
(George and Karen are making out on the couch)
ELAINE: What is wrong with Ned?
JOEL: Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next!
JERRY: Fine. Go. (George enters. He's staring at Jodi)
ELAINE: Ellis. JOEL: Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing!
GEORGE: Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please? JERRY: What for?
ELAINE: Ellis and Alex aren't even close. GEORGE: We need to talk. JOEL: NEXT! JERRY: *You* need to talk? ELAINE: Ohh, what is the point? JODI: We have nothing to talk about. JOEL: NO, NO. COME ON! ELAINE: O.K. O.K. Remy.
GEORGE: Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.
JOEL: Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret? ELAINE: Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.
JERRY: George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.
JOEL: Grrrr!
GEORGE: (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.
(scene ends)
JERRY: What?
[setting: back to Jerry's]
GEORGE: She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.
JERRY: What do you mean, no?
JERRY: I can see that.
JODI: No means no.
JODI: I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me.
JERRY: Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser. JODI: Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here.
JERRY: Don't worry. (she leaves) GEORGE: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime. JERRY: You're a lucky guy. GEORGE: I got to go after her.
JERRY: George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods)
Transcribed by "Mazzy",
GEORGE: JODI! (he starts running after her)
Episode Number: 074 Original Air Date: December 09, 1993
(end of the show)
Written by: Tom Gammill & Max Pross Directed by: Tom Cherones
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
Guest Cast: Kimberly Norris (Winona) Sam Lloyd (Ricky) Carissa Channing (Sylvia) Ralph Manza (Gepetto) Al Roker (Himself) Veralyn Jones (Renee) Lisa Pescia (Joanne) Benjamin Lum (Mailman) Irvin Mosley Jr. (Spike)
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[Night Club] Jerry's standup piece. JERRY: You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end, don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this fashion time capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, with someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To me the worst thing is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little room. What men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants at the door, and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would be the best way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?' 'No, just getting some air.'
[George's parents' house] Elaine and Jerry in the living room. JERRY: How would you describe the smell in this house?
JERRY: You're not allowed to have people over? GEORGE: I can't have any parties while they're out of town. (he leaves to return the soaps) KRAMER: What, this is a party?
ELAINE: (sniffing) Dandruff? JERRY: Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha? ELAINE: There's some kasha. JERRY: Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot pourri, really. George enters from the kitchen (?).
ELAINE: Not any more. Come on, get your ball, we're leaving. Let's go, let's go. Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and notices Jerry's mug on the coffee table. GEORGE: (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table! JERRY: (picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee table.
ELAINE: Alright, let's go, come on. GEORGE: Wha... you're going? ELAINE: Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled that last game, I'm gonna be late.
GEORGE: But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he runs to kitchen) KRAMER: Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh?
Kramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured objects in his hand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth.
George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain.
KRAMER: Egh. These aren't candies.
JERRY: What's the big rush?
GEORGE: Kramer. did you use those? These are guest soaps! (he grabs the soaps and begins examining them for damage)
ELAINE: I'm having people over.
KRAMER: Well I'm a guest.
ELAINE: The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...
GEORGE: Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.
ELAINE: (impatient) Come on!
JERRY: Who?
JERRY: Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?
ELAINE: Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.
JERRY: There you go. That'll get you home in time.
JERRY: (interested) Really? ELAINE: Oh! The subway? From Queens? ELAINE: I'll put in a good word for you. JERRY: Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts coffee cup back on the table)
GEORGE: Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat. JERRY: I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you.
GEORGE: (screaming) Aaahh!! JERRY: Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again)
ELAINE: I need something to read on the subway.
GEORGE: But Jerry, this is not coming out!
JERRY: (handing her a magazine) Here, read this.
JERRY: Just put a coffee table book over it.
ELAINE: (looks at it) TV Guide?
GEORGE: My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book is doing on the table!
[Subway train]
KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it? ELAINE: Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George. GEORGE: Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing refinished.
Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer is expanding on his book concept. KRAMER: I got history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee tables. It's a natural. This is a story that must be told. ELAINE: (engrossed in magazine) Hmmmmm. KRAMER: So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh?
ELAINE: Now?! GEORGE: Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are gonna be back. I gotta have it back before them! ELAINE: Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven. KRAMER: Alright, we'll take the subway.
ELAINE: (still paying no attention) Hmmmmm. First thing in the morning. KRAMER: (claps hands) Yes indeed. TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
KRAMER: Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is famous for its gyros, you want one?
KRAMER: (yells) Elaine!
ELAINE: How are you gonna get something and get back on the train in time?
A passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's hand and sits down to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed.
KRAMER: Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros are cooked, and wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three dollars, no change. You want one?
RICKY: Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch the next train. ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.
ELAINE: (laughing) No thanks.
RICKY: He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.
KRAMER: Alright, but no bites.
[Furniture refinishers]
Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple of other guys waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry. Elaine continues to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses, anorak inside and out) proffers a pen.
Gepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee table.
RICKY: Highlighter?
JERRY: Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a gift in front of Winona, how does that hurt me?
ELAINE: Excuse me? RICKY: To highlight the programmes you plan to watch.
JERRY: Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something. GEORGE: Why?
GEORGE: Can't hurt you. JERRY: What about, what about this thing?
ELAINE: Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to try and avoid contact) I'm just trying to read. RICKY: Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen a beautiful lady reading 'the Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television. The train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do, Kramer tries to enter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving him holding his gyro into the carriage.
GEORGE: The Indian? JERRY: Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute. GEPETTO: Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday. GEORGE: Alright, but no later, because my parents are coming back. GEPETTO: They left you home alone, huh?
[Subway train] Elaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over the TV Guide. Elaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else. RICKY: Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday (he swaps seats and sits beside Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's Lucy.
SYLVIA: Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan. GEORGE: Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner. SYLVIA: Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighbourhood. GEORGE: (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighbourhood's changing. JERRY: Alright, I'll take it.
The brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop.
GEPETTO: Smart choice.
ELAINE: Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making her escape) Bye-bye.
SYLVIA: Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste.
RICKY: (after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV Guide) You forgot this!
GEORGE: Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh, we must have them.
Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and sees the address label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING NY 11353 [Furniture refinishers] Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting. GEPETTO: They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done by hand. (Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, and... (notices) Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late! SYLVIA: Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is that your car out there? GEORGE: No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)
[Elaine's apartment] Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker. ELAINE: Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces THE GIRLS: Oh/Aah. (and similar comments) ELAINE: (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha! There's a knock at the door. ELAINE: Who is it? JERRY (O.C.): It's Jerry. Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside a large object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag.
ELAINE: Jerry!
ELAINE: I, I don't think so.
JERRY: Surprise! (he carries in the object)
JERRY: (takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon. (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe.
ELAINE: What is this? JERRY: Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something. ELAINE: Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry?
WINONA: (gathering her stuff) Hey, you know, it's late. I really should go. ELAINE: I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh...
THE GIRLS: Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc) JERRY: Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again. GIRL (NOT WINONA): Elaine, is it your birthday?
Jerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical movie Indian chant. JERRY: Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah. Winona leaves, looking offended.
ELAINE: No. ELAINE: Are you out of your mind?! JERRY: I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love to make people happy.
JERRY: ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy. ELAINE: Winona is a Native American.
THE GIRLS: Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur of approval)
JERRY: She is?
JERRY: Are you ready?
[George's parents' house]
ELAINE: Yeah.
Sylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony singing can be heard in the background.
JERRY: (whips off bag to reveal Indian) Tada!
SYLVIA: You got very unusual taste. There is a deathly hush. JERRY: It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) Read the card. ELAINE: (examines card) (embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you very much. JERRY: Read it out loud.
GEORGE: (proffering glasses) I hope prune juice is alright. It's the only thing I had that was chilled. SYLVIA: Fine. GEORGE: I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination musta
just flown outta my head. It's a mental block.
KRAMER: I came by to get my ball. ELAINE: It's right over there.
SYLVIA: (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath? GEORGE: (bashful) No, that's me. SYLVIA: Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures of themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest of the house.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, it's got the magic grip. How d'you think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! Where did this come from? ELAINE: You want it? KRAMER: (unbelieving) I can have this?!
GEORGE: Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain a consistent feel throughout the house.
ELAINE: Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.
SYLVIA: What is this we're listening to?
KRAMER: Oh. I'll lug.
GEORGE: The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle)
[Street outside Winona's]
SYLVIA: Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha? GEORGE: It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master bedroom? (they leave together) Jerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer.
WINONA: It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me. JERRY: And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all, you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, wouldya? WINONA: (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.
WINONA (O.C.): Who is it? JERRY: Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld. WINONA: (unimpressed) Yeah? JERRY: Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I, I, I'd really like to apologise. Can I come up? WINONA: I'll come down. [Elaine's apartment]
JERRY: You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here. The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes offence. MAILMAN: Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the
Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask honolable Chinaman for rocation of lestaulant. JERRY: I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighbourhood. MAILMAN: Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms away)
JERRY: You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle. GEORGE: So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh... JERRY: Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact I'm gonna see her tonight.
JERRY: I didn't know that... GEORGE: Oh, great. WINONA: You know, it's late. I should probably just go home. JERRY: I, I had no idea. A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the top of the Indian. KRAMER: (yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door with his palm) Look what I got! (begins doing war-whoops) Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find nothing to say. Winona storms back into her building.
JERRY: Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making another mistake. GEORGE: Aw c'mon. The front door opens and George's parents enter. ESTELLE: Hello, hello! GEORGE: (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi. ESTELLE: Oh, the house looks very nice.
[George's parent's house] GEORGE: Yeah, huh. George and Jerry are returning the table. FRANK: Where's the mail? GEORGE: Looks pretty good. ESTELLE: Hello Jerry. JERRY: Yeah, did a good job. JERRY: Hello. They put the various ornaments back on the table. GEORGE: Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell.
GEORGE: So, how was the trip? ESTELLE: Ah, your father... FRANK: Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll booth?
FRANK: You were having sex on our bed?! ESTELLE: I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for the bedroom)
GEORGE: Yes!
FRANK: (examining mail) This stack should be bigger, where's the TV Guide?
ESTELLE: Who told you you could have sex in our bed?
GEORGE: What TV Guide?
GEORGE: (pleading) Well, my bed is too small.
FRANK: I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one. JERRY: Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.
FRANK: Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street! ESTELLE: Where am I going to sleep?
FRANK: Elaine took it? GEORGE: What're you talking about? GEORGE: I didn't know she took it! ESTELLE: I can't sleep in there! JERRY: Wa, it's two weeks old. GEORGE: Of course you can. FRANK: (shouting) How could you let her take the TV Guide?!
ESTELLE: I can't! (screams) I can't!
GEORGE: (to Jerry) He collects them.
FRANK: That's it! You're grounded!
JERRY: You collect TV Guide?
GEORGE: (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.
FRANK: The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing my collectible! ESTELLE: (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding a small packet) This was in our bed. FRANK: (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly to George) A prophylactic wrapper?!
FRANK: You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. (yells) You're grounded! [Winona's apartment] Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets. WINONA: So, where are we gonna go eat?
ESTELLE: What is this doing on my bed?! GEORGE: I don't know, uh...
JERRY: I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.
JERRY: I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste)
WINONA: Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table?
JERRY: Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself)
JERRY: Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.
WINONA: You made what? JERRY: I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodation. And then, Knick tickets, floor seats. WINONA: How did you get these? JERRY: Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again) A uh, one of those guys.
ELAINE: He collects (holds up magazine) these? JERRY: Yeah. ELAINE: Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him. JERRY: What'ya do with the one you took?
WINONA: What guys?
ELAINE: I dunno.
JERRY: You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out events.
[Ricky's apartment (?)]
WINONA: Oh. JERRY: Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide. WINONA: That's Al Roker. JERRY: Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?
Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy teenager. He's cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming the theme to I Love Lucy to himself as he does so. [Jerry's apartment] Kramer enters. ELAINE: Hi. KRAMER: Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?
WINONA: Sure, take it. ELAINE: What did who say? JERRY: Thanks. [Jerry's apartment]
KRAMER: Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book?
Jerry enters with the TV Guide.
ELAINE: Uhmm...
JERRY: So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you.
KRAMER: Yeah, you didn't tell him didya?
ELAINE: Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh?
ELAINE: Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her voice as Kramer
speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...
RICKY: Hello. Is Elaine home?
KRAMER: (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm...
ESTELLE: Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend.
ELAINE: I would be embarrassed to bring it up.
FRANK: (shouting) And she's not welcome in this house!
JERRY: I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table.
RICKY: (entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this very special gift. 'Kay, it's a bouquet of paper from her TV Guide.
KRAMER: Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. (clicks tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.
FRANK: (yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped to shreds! She gave that to you?!
JERRY: Where you going?
RICKY: (seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight Zone you're watching?
KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian.
GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: My Indian?
[Subway train]
KRAMER: You know, I think it's worth something. It's kitschy. (tongue click)
Elaine riding the subway to Queens.
RICKY: Oh, this is a good one.
He leaves.
TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
[George's parents' house]
A thought occurs to Elaine.
George and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered by the TV Guide incident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering.
ELAINE (V.O.): Mmm, gyro.
FRANK: How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How does she expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to turn it on and wander aimlessly around the dial? Estelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside, holding what looks like a bouquet of flowers.
She jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next to her at the exit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes out first. [Jerry's apartment] Jerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona looks around. WINONA: I like your place. It's very unassuming.
JERRY: Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions. WINONA: (laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide I gave you, I need it back. JERRY: Why? WINONA: Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and I wanted to use that interview with Al Roker. JERRY: Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already on her way to give it to George's father.
Elaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices from her sandwich are dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag. [George's parents' house] Frank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection. The coffee table is covered in boxes of the magazine. RICKY: I like the special fall preview issues the best. FRANK: Those. I've been saving those from the beginning. The doorbell rings.
WINONA: Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine. JERRY: You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you... (catches himself)
RICKY: These are worth like, a lot of money. Estelle opens the door, to find Elaine. ESTELLE: Oh, hello Elaine!
WINONA: What? ELAINE: Hello. (she enters) JERRY: A uh, a person that uh... WINONA: A person that what?
RICKY: (jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious.
JERRY: Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had never uh...
Elaine looks nervous and surprised.
WINONA: And?
ELAINE: (placatory) I'm so sorry about that Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I brought you another one. (hands it over)
JERRY: ...give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to.
FRANK: Why'd you take my TV Guide?
RICKY: I made this for you. WINONA: You mean like, an Indian giver?! JERRY: I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term. [Subway train]
ELAINE: (accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you. FRANK: (examining magazine) What is this? You got stains all over it! What the hell'd you do?
RICKY: Hey, you can't talk to her like that. FRANK: (yelling) I'll talk to her any way I want! RICKY: Come on Elaine, let's go. As Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table with his leg. It tips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls over with a crash.
KRAMER: Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again. [Lippman's office] Kramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar. Elaine enters. ELAINE: Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens uh... (sees Kramer) Kramer! KRAMER: Yeah, hi Elaine.
ESTELLE: My coffee table! [Gus' Smoke Shop] Kramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying to do a job of salesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed. In the background, Mr Lippman is browsing. KRAMER: I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without an Indian? It's unseemly. SPIKE: I'll give you a box of Coronas for it.
ELAINE: What are you doing in here with that? KRAMER: Ah, well, it's a business transaction. LIPPMAN: (entering, smoking a cigar and with a handful of cash) Listen uh, petty cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead, count it. KRAMER: Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts in in his pocket) You know I was just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall.
KRAMER: Forget it. LIPPMAN: Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this Indian?
LIPPMAN: You like that, huh? I had that custom made for me in Santa Fe. KRAMER: You mind if I use it in my book?
KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah. LIPPMAN: What book? LIPPMAN: Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office in a south-western motif and this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?
KRAMER: Well, I'm doing a coffee table book on coffee tables. LIPPMAN: About coffee tables?
KRAMER: Giddyup. Elaine is pulling skeptical faces. LIPPMAN: Yeah? Could you help me bring it up to my office, I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing.
KRAMER: Uh huh.
LIPPMAN: That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked) Who's your publisher? KRAMER: Well, I'm still shopping it around. LIPPMAN: Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the kind of idea you should be coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway? ELAINE: Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that I... LIPPMAN: (ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really completes the room. Don't you think?
ELAINE: I dunno. JERRY: Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the magazine to Elaine) ELAINE: I guess. JERRY: What's the matter? ELAINE: What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee table book. JERRY: It is a good idea, Elaine.
Elaine looks sick.
TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
[Furniture refinishers]
JERRY: You want a gyro?
Estelle is showing the table to Sylvia.
ELAINE: I don't think so.
SYLVIA: I know this coffee table, it's George Costanza's.
Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past other commuters.
ESTELLE: It's mine. I'm his mother.
[Subway train: moments later]
SYLVIA: Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working very hard.
Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage just as the doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it.
ESTELLE: George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us.
JERRY: Elaine! SYLVIA: He does? [Subway train] Jerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks unhappy. Jerry has a copy of the TV Guide. JERRY: I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just could call TV Guide.
A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's hand, just as Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing to eat. AL ROKER: Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.
AL ROKER: He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin) Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide and finds the guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker. She looks up at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the picture on the cover. [Nightclub] More Jerry standup. JERRY: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninetyfive cents?
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Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff Cast: Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Costanza Jason Alexander Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Drefus Kramer Michael Richards
[END]
Guest Stars:
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Older Priest Kay E. Kuter Sister Roberta Molly Hagan Doctor Tom Verica Tawni Kimberley Campbell Sasha Jana Marie Hupp
Younger Priest Bill Rose
unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.
Waiter Randy Brenner Mrs. Lupchek Darlene Kardon Woman Hailing Cab Karen Rizzo ---------------------------------------------------------------------
George’s girlfriend (name?): Twenty five dollars. George: Yes, well, you know, I’m not thinking about the price. You know you’re the only woman I’ve never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I
At the Comedy Club. beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster. Jerry: You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn’t it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think I’m not, just check it out." I don’t
George’s girlfriend: George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem. George: We do? George’s girlfriend: We can’t keep seeing each other. George: Why?
know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and I’ll give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants. (Commercial)
George’s girlfriend: (crying) Because it’s over. *sob, sob, sob* It’s my parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? *sob* Waiter: Uh, have you decided yet? George’s girlfriend: (crying) Yes. I’ll have the lobster. George: Um, you know I’m starting to think that maybe lobster isn’t the way
At a restaurant. to go. George: Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is
The hallway outside Jerry’s apartment.
Jerry: Then he asked you out?
George: Lobster.
Elaine: We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his
Jerry: Looks like a swan. George: She says we can’t go out anymore.
hand on my heart. Elaine: Why? Jerry: On your heart? Elaine: Jerry, the man is a doctor. Jerry: Doctor? He’s a podiatrist.
George: Because I’m not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won’t let her get involved with anyone who isn’t Latvian Orthodox.
Elaine: It’s the same thing. Jerry: Anyone can get into podiatry school. *George* got into podiatry school. Elaine: Really?
Elaine: Latvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster. Jerry: She’s limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad. George: I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that’s not
Jerry’s girlfriend (name?): Hello. entirely true. Jerry: Oh hi. Elaine: Mmm, delicious. Jerry’s girlfriend: Are you going to be stopping by later?
Jerry: Mmm, succulent.
Jerry: Yes, I’ll be stopping. See you later. (to Elaine) Well we can’t all
George: She knew I didn’t have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didn’t seem
be dating podiatrists.
to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
They enter Jerry’s apartment. Elaine: Why don’t you just ask her parents? George: It’s over. Elaine: What? Jerry: How did you get in?
George: I can’t. I met them. They’re devout. You know, In the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
George: Kramer. Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox? Elaine: What’s that?
George: Why not? What do I care? Jerry: You know it’s not like changing toothpaste.
Jerry’s girlfriend: *kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?
Elaine: I think it would be romantic. George: Really?
Jerry: Oh I don’t know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I
Elaine: Yeah, it’s like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying
was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room
Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
practicing my kissing.
George: King Edward. King Edward, Jerry.
Jerry’s girlfriend: Well it was worth it. *kiss* I’ll be *kiss* right *kiss*
Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn’t live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
back *kiss*. Where are you going? Jerry: To wash my hands. They’re sticky from the orange.
George: You know what? I could probably do this. What’s the difference.
Jerry’s girlfriend: Meet you back here?
Elaine: George I was just kidding around.
Jerry: Right there.
George: No. I wouldn’t even have to tell her. I could surprise her.
Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands.
Elaine: George I wasn’t serious.
He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.
George: How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going to think about this.
Jerry: (thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus? At Monk’s. Jerry: Fungicide. I mean what could she have?
George leaves. Elaine: I don’t know. Elaine: I guess this one is my fault. Kramer: Fungus. Jerry: Oh yeah. Elaine: So what did you say? At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.
Jerry: I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go
[boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode… ;) ]
home. Elaine: What were you doing opening her medicine cabinet? Jerry: I didn’t open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little. Elaine: You were snooping. Jerry: I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking
Father-priest (name?): Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith? George: *ahem* In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um… (trying to think of a word) Father-priest: Enigmatic?
and entering. I wouldn’t do that. George: No. Kramer: I would. I always open medicine cabinets.
Father-priest: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")
Elaine: Well I trust people not to do that. Kramer: Big mistake.
George: No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")
Jerry: Why don’t you ask that doctor what it is?
Father-priest: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.
Elaine: What? Now he’s a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.
George: Yes.
Jerry: But that’s what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They’re knee-
Father-priest 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
deep in fungus. This guy know fungus. Elaine: I am not going to ask him about funguses.
George: (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.
Kramer: Fungi. Jerry: What? Kramer: Fungi. In the priest’s office.
Father-priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology? George: Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic
plot. Yeah.
novice.
Father-priest: Plot?
Father-priest 2: She won’t be taking her final vows until next Thursday.
George: Yeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the
In the chapel.
commandments and all that.
Sister Roberta: May I help you?
Father-priest 2: Well it’s obvious that you are sincere in your desire.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I’m here to pick up my friend George Costanza.
George: Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in?
Sister Roberta: Well he’s in with the Father. Kramer: Oh yeah.
Father-priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these
Sister Roberta: I’m Sister Roberta.
texts (brings out a pile of books).
Kramer: Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.
George: Ah hah. You see Father, I’m I’m incredibly anxious to become a
Sister Roberta: Mine. (she smiles at Kramer) At Jerry’s apartment.
member. Um, don’t you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick
George: I can’t believe how easy it is. I’m virtually Orthodox. All I have
change? Sister Roberta enters. Sister Roberta: Oh I’m sorry. Father, there’s a man waiting in the chapel. Father-priest: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He
to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I’m in the club. Jerry: That’s all there is to it. George: That’s all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.
is interested in joining the church. Sister Roberta: Oh are you? That’s wonderful. Well good luck to you. George: Nice nun. Father-priest: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a
Jerry: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza? George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence. Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky. Jerry: Oh a slinky. Where did you get it?
Kramer: Sister Roberta gave it to me.
Jerry: Yeah but there’s a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her
Jerry: Why did she give you that?
medicine cabinet.
Kramer: I think she liked me.
George: So?
Jerry: What do you mean she liked you?
Jerry: So I don’t know what she’s using it for.
Kramer: *Liked* me. George: Kramer, they like everybody. They’re friendly people.
George: Well how do you even know it’s hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube?
Kramer: No. I think I picked up on a vibe. Jerry: I didn’t even think to look. Jerry: You picked up on a vibe, from a nun. Kramer: Yeah, Jerry I’m telling you I have this power. And I have no control
George: Well take a look. It might not even belong to her. Jerry: Yeah.
over it. Kramer leaves. Jerry’s girlfriend appears at the doorway.
George: People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet. Jerry: Yeah I’ve got this old bottle of cough medicine.
Jerry: Oh hi. George: I still have brill cream. Jerry’s girlfriend: I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.
At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.
Jerry: (weakly) A little better. *fake cough*
Jerry knocks on the door
Jerry’s girlfriend: If you need anything let me know.
*knock, knock, knock* Jerry’s girlfriend: Hi.
Jerry: Okay. All right bye. Jerry: Hi. Can I use your bathroom? George: Story. At the doctor’s apartment. Jerry: She’s subletting Carol’s place for a month. George: She likes you.
Elaine: You sure you don’t mind? Doctor (name?): No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the
time.
Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry’s girlfriend
Elaine: Well the question isn’t even for me it’s for a friend.
enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in
Doctor: Elaine, I’m used to it. I’m a doctor.
his pocket.
Elaine: Well… podiatrist.
Jerry’s girlfriend: (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.
Doctor: Huh? At George’s parent’s house. Elaine: No no, I’m just saying you didn’t really go to medical school, you went to podiatry school. Which I’m sure is very grueling in it’s own way. Doctor: I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with
George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books. *knock, knock, knock* Estelle: George what are you doing in there? George: What? Nothing.
feet. Frank: You’ve been in there an hour. Elaine: I like feet too. I’m just saying… Estelle: You don’t feel well? Doctor: Saying what? George: I’m fine. In Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment. She knocks on the bathroom door.
Estelle: I want to know what you’re doing in there.
*knock, knock, knock*
George: Nothing.
Jerry’s girlfriend: How are you doing in there?
Frank: George, open the door. George: No.
Jerry: Fine all done, just looking for the soap. Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.
Estelle: Georgie. George: No! At Kramer’s apartment.
Jerry’s girlfriend: No soap? Sister Roberta is knocking on the door. Jerry: No I don’t see it. *knock, knock, knock*
Kramer: Hey.
Elaine: It’s you fault. You just got me thinking.
Sister Roberta: Good evening. I hope I’m not disturbing you, but I found
Jerry: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.
another toy I thought you might like.
Elaine: I’ve got nothing against the foot. I’m pro-foot.
(Commercial) Jerry: Me too. At Jerry’s Apartment. Jerry: Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I’ll need that in the
Elaine: Do you think I should call him and apologize? Jerry: Yes. He’s a doctor.
form of a question. Elaine starts to leave. George: I don’t know. I can’t believe they’re making me take this test. Elaine enters.
Jerry: Wait a second. Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine’s purse.
Jerry: Hey, did you talk to the doctor? Jerry: (to George) What are you doing? Elaine: No. George: What does it look like I’m doing? Jerry: All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the
Jerry: (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what
bottle of fungicide.) you’re cheating on your conversion chest? Elaine: You *took* her medicine. Kramer enters. Jerry: Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When
Kramer: I told you.
are you seeing him again?
Jerry: What?
Elaine: I don’t know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists
Kramer: I told you she liked me. Jerry: Who?
aren’t real doctors. Kramer: Sister Roberta. Jerry: How could you say that? Jerry: How do you know?
Kramer: She told me. She said she’s never had a man stir up all of these
spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It’s just that, that I have
feelings inside of her. She’s questioning her faith. She’s thinking of
this power. Father-priest: Yes. Kavorka.
leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I’m dangerous Jerry, I’m very very
[I wouldn’t mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) ]
dangerous. Kramer: Kavorka? At the priest’s office. Father-priest: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of
Father-priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal". Kramer: I don’t understand.
your conversion test. I don’t recall having seen such an impressive
Father-priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be
performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
possessed by you.
George: Oh, I’m I’m full of it Father.
Kramer: Help me Father. Help me.
Father-priest 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) …(mumble)… Kramer
Father-priest: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you
…(mumble)…
to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces…
Father-priest: Yes, yes I see. (To George) I’m sorry something has come up. George: Oh, I understand.
The hallway by Jerry’s apartment. Jerry: What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramer’s
Kramer enters. door) Ah hah. Kramer: Um, you wanted to see me Father? *knock, knock, knock* Father-priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me
Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his neck.
yesterday. Kramer: Hey. Kramer: I know what this is about Father. I didn’t do anything. I just
Jerry: Hey. What are you doing?
Kramer: I’ve got the Kavorka Jerry.
A woman reads the sign.
Jerry: The Kavorka? What’s that?
Woman: George Costanza? Estelle’s son?
Kramer: The lure of the animal. I’m dangerous.
At George’s parent’s house.
Jerry: What is this thing around your neck? Kramer: The priests they’re helping me. I just bathed in vinegar. Jerry: You know you’re funcifying the whole building. Kramer: Keep away Jerry. Keep away. He closes his door.
Estelle: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this? George: For a woman. Frank: A woman? What are you out of your mind? Estelle: Why can’t you do anything like a normal person? Frank: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
Jerry: Kramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer.
George: No it’s a regular religion.
At the entrance of the church. There is a sign there. It reads:
Frank: I’m calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.
+---------------------+
George: I don’t want to get out of it.
| CONVERSION CEREMONY |
Estelle: George, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re under their
| FOR | control. | GEORGE COSTANZA | Frank: What, they brainwashed you? | 3:P.M. | George: No no. || || ||
Frank: You’re not performing any rituals in this house. Estelle: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
+---------------------+ Frank: And stay away from those squirrels. The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.
At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.
Jerry’s girlfriend: Oh how you doing Jerry?
Woman: Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.)
Jerry: Good. What’s the matter? Jerry’s girlfriend: I’m tired. I hardly slept last night with all this
Kramer: Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I’ve still got time to catch her.
scratching. Bonkers was going crazy. Jerry: Bonkers? Jerry’s girlfriend: My cat. He’s got this weird sort of skin condition.
At the church. It is George’s conversion ceremony. Church music plays. George is dressed in a white church gown.
Some type of fungus, I couldn’t find his medicine.
He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.
Jerry: Oh it’s your cat! Father-priest says some Latvian words. Jerry’s girlfriend: What? Jerry: Ooh, nothing.
Kramer is running down the street going to the church.
At the church.
The church music is still playing.
Father-priest: Are you ready my son?
George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. He makes a
George: Yes faddah. hand motion on his gown. Father-priest: What did you say? Kramer is still running to the church. George: What? The church music is still playing. Father-priest: I thought you said faddah. George: I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.
Father-priest: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta would you please offer the final benediction.
Outside on a sidewalk. A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her. Kramer: How you doing?
Sister Roberta: (hesitates) I can’t. (crowd murmurs) I’m sorry. It’s a beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else. Kramer enters the church.
Sister Roberta: Him.
At the church.
Crowd: Kavorka, Kavorka.
Sister Roberta: Something’s wrong. I don’t feel the same lure.
At Elaine’s apartment. Kramer: You don’t? Elaine: *kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot. I’m a big fan of the foot. Doctor: Well it’s my fault. I got a little defensive. Elaine: And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe.
Sister Roberta: What have I…? I must return to the church. By the way you really need to take a bath. You stink. Kramer: Yeah yeah. (Commercial)
Doctor: It’s my favorite toe. At Monk’s Elaine: Let’s face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You’re not
George’s girlfriend: For me?
going to the ear guy.
George: Well I didn’t do it for my mother.
Doctor: No you’re not.
George’s girlfriend: I’m really flattered. But I just don’t feel ready to
*phone rings* Elaine: I’ll be right back.
make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.
Doctor: Oh uh, where’s the bathroom?
George: Latvia?
Elaine: It’s right down here to the left. I will meet you right back here.
George’s girlfriend: Yes. I’m going to stay with some relatives there for a
Jerry: Elaine it’s her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube
year. Isn’t it great? George: Enjoy, enjoy.
back. The doctor is in Elaine’s bathroom. He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.
George’s girlfriend: Oh George, you are so sweet. Don’t ever change. George: I’d like a doggie bag for this please. The End.
Doctor: (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?
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(the bathroom) ELAINE what a dope! uh..excuse me
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umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here JANE (from the stall on Elaine's right)
SEINFELD SCRIPT by Daniel Khamsing (kboy@cryogen.com) 76th episode
are you talking to me?
Season 5, number 12
yeah.. I
Original broadcasting date: January 6, 1994
I just forgot to check
Written by Larry Charles
so if you could just spare me some
Directed by Tom Cherones
JANE
regular cast:
no I'm sorry
ELAINE
ELAINE
look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)
what?
Elaine
JANE
no no, no no, don't don't, I beg you
no I'm sorry, I can't spare it
(the movie theater)
ELAINE
JERRY
you can't spare it??
(eating pop corn)
JANE
hmm I love this artificial flavoring
no there's not enough to spare
I like it better than butter
ELAINE
I think it's more consistent
well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it
JANE
JANE I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind
you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom JERRY what?
ELAINE (offering pop corn to Jane) 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares?? (elsewhere in the same theater) JANE ELAINE no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square
hey
ELAINE
TONY
oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one
hey hey? where is my popcorn babe?
puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply ELAINE JANE what?
TONY
"please! please!"
my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn
she was *insane*
what? would you forget about me babe? JERRY ELAINE who do you think she is? how dare she? you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore
JANE we'd flush her out I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I
JANE
simply could not spare it
I don't know what she looks like
this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me
JERRY I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her
ELAINE
she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony
3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares! ELAINE JANE
hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new
she wouldn't stop "help me! help me!"
girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like
she was *insane*
TONY
ELAINE
hey? you think if I jumped off this balcony I'd get hurt?
I was begging her (Jerry's apt.)
(Jerry's at his computer)
I am never going back to the movies again
(Kramer enters)
JERRY
KRAMER
hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you
hey ELAINE JERRY hey
I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side
KRAMER
JERRY
hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?
oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony ELAINE
JERRY yeah what's the matter with yours? JERRY KRAMER hey hey (fooling around with his collar) huh.. my batteries are dead ELAINE JERRY yeah, all right ok hey it's not one of those 976 calls, is it? JERRY KRAMER Tony, hey hey (continues fooling) look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?
ELAINE
JERRY
that's nice. Listen, listen to this
why do you do that?
I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts
KRAMER JERRY oh... (get in the bedroom) huh huh (Elaine enters) ELAINE ELAINE
I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper JERRY JERRY it's battle conditions no what? ELAINE ELAINE yeah, well toilet paper JERRY
I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty
oh.. whoa..
voice, it is *tattooed* in my brain
ELAINE
if I hear it, watch out
so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ho ho
So listen what happened with Jane last night?
JERRY
JERRY
well maybe she couldn't spare it
oh.. Jane she huh.. she huh..
ELAINE
ELAINE
a square?
the 4 of us are going out Saturday right? hat should be fun
JERRY JERRY well, you know, sometimes a square is everything
yeah that should be real fun
ELAINE
ELAINE
a ply?
you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?
JERRY JERRY Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert
yeah (Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone)
ELAINE WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE yeah
then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?
Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the
ELAINE
voice she uses..
Andre?
JERRY
(Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine)
hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me
KRAMER (on the phone)
KRAMER
what about the driver? we could get an accident
hey, you're hungry? Monk's? JERRY
WOMAN no I gotta go downtown so what? ELAINE KRAMER oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right? oh that wouldn't be very good JERRY JERRY yeah (on the phone) ELAINE hey Andre, get the hell off the phone! ELAINE
so listen, what happened last night with Jane?
what is going on? what.. who is Andre?
JERRY
JERRY
nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube
Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out (Jerry's car) of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone KRAMER Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman
ELAINE you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer JERRY
I know, I just can't bring myself to do it JERRY meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles)
we're expected to be superficial
(Elaine looks at her watch)
ELAINE
oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting
I'm not being superficial
ELAINE
JERRY
hey you got a problem with Tony?
Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo
JERRY ELAINE hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)
he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man
ELAINE he just happened to have a perfect face ok Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like
JERRY
JERRY
and that's why you're going out with him
of course you would
ELAINE
ELAINE
no it is not
oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk
JERRY
JERRY
you know, I think George has a non sexual crush on him
Elaine ELAINE ELAINE I think he does too what? JERRY JERRY it's different for a man
I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a
ELAINE
school girl around him
huh?
(Monk's)
rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk about a rush,
TONY
you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions
so I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off"
TONY no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing
(Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards) GEORGE GEORGE "step off"? TONY
all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?
yeah TONY GEORGE what.. whatever you said "step off"? GEORGE wow, that is too much alright alright, I gotta buy some bread hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony)
TONY
Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?
yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing
TONY
GEORGE
no
me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down
GEORGE TONY bowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time
cool, so what do you say we climb a rock manyana (tomorrow in spanish)?
TONY GEORGE bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling GEORGE
huh.. maana? huh maana might.. huh maana might be a problem, I'm supposed
to have huh a boil lanced maana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I
TONY yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer
cancel with only one maana's notice (Kramer enters)
you down to it George? what's wrong?
TONY
GEORGE
hey Kramer
I am down!
KRAMER hey
(Jerry's)
TONY
ELAINE
hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing maana?
rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock
KRAMER
climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine and Jerry laughs)
maana I'm doing nada GEORGE TONY alright alright what do you say you scale some rock with me and George? GEORGE
JERRY yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick
huh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches
now?
TONY
GEORGE
c'mon Kramer what do you say?
yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy
GEORGE JERRY huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there
cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?
KRAMER
GEORGE
I am down
he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You
no no no, I don't think so. You love him know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of
GEORGE
anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie!
you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting
(Kramer enters)
any sandwiches either
KRAMER
(phone rings, Kramer answers)
hey
JERRY
EVERYBODY
you're making sandwiches?
hey
KRAMER
GEORGE
hello
hey nice move today
GEORGE
KRAMER
well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there
what? KRAMER GEORGE who? horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony
GEORGE
KRAMER: he asked me
Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?
GEORGE
ELAINE
you put him on the spot
hates it
KRAMER
GEORGE
you know I think you're in love with him
good thing I asked
GEORGE
JERRY (to Kramer): who is it?
what?.. that's ridiculous!
KRAMER
KRAMER
well she says Jane
JERRY
that's all I'm asking..
yeah, so?
Kramer!!
KRAMER
(George grabs Kramer's leg)
well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty
KRAMER let go, hey grab the rock
JERRY GEORGE did you say flinty? what rock? KRAMER KRAMER yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty the rock GEORGE (on the rocks) uh oh.. (Kramer and George are hanging on a rock) KRAMER KRAMER (singing)
you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo
yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo!
GEORGE
hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)
(sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..
ECHO KRAMER hello (chanting) KRAMER yodel lay hee hoo hey George, hear that? GEORGE (George is terrified) (sobbing) GEORGE yodel lay hee hoo.. please please please, stop moving TONY
dude aah....... (voice from below) (George and Kramer look at each other) George! Kramer! GEORGE AND KRAMER KRAMER ahh.....!! yeah! TONY (Jerry's) take the rope, thread it through the carabiner and knot it, and I'll climb up
(Jerry and Jane are eating)
to where you are
JERRY
KRAMER
..can I have your napkin?
alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)
JANE what?
GEORGE JERRY yeah you napkin I'm dripping TONY JANE hey George, you got anything to eat dude? well where is your napkin? GEORGE JERRY (taking it out of his jacket pocket) I used it up yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know
JANE
you don't like peanut butter
well I need mine
(the ropes slides down)
(looks at her watch)
KRAMER
oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work
what?
JERRY
TONY
you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours
yeah JANE JERRY I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum
huh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum. JANE
JERRY ok you're fine (goes to the bathroom) JERRY (buzzer rings) JANE oh how does this thing work?
Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah (Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now)
JERRY JANE just press it hmm ELAINE JERRY it's Elaine have some more, take a load JANE JANE oh come on up isn't it too much? JERRY JERRY (coming out from the bathroom) trust me.. nah it's good who was it? JANE JANE smell? it's Elaine JERRY JERRY yeah stinks, terrible oh..huh.. is she coming up? (Elaine enters) JANE JERRY
night hi Elaine ELAINE ELAINE because of the gum hi JERRY JERRY well it's too much, it's embarrassing this is Jane Elaine ELAINE ELAINE why does she have to chew so many? hi, nice to meet you finally JERRY JANE it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night
she's one of those person, always have to be different (on the other side of the door)
ELAINE (whispering) yeah me too GEORGE JANE she's there, I can hear her ok so I'll see you Saturday night KRAMER JERRY alright, who's gonna tell her Saturday night (she leaves) GEORGE (Jerry shuts the door) huh you tell her ELAINE KRAMER what is with the gum? it was your fault JERRY GEORGE I know it's a big problem.. she puts like 4 pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday
if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who
was invited", Jerry opens the door)
KRAMER
JERRY
whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot
well ELAINE ELAINE did something happened? hey GEORGE GEORGE AND KRAMER Tony.. took a bit of a tumble hey ELAINE GEORGE his face, did something happen to his face? what are you doing here? KRAMER ELAINE did you have fun
well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen
GEORGE AND KRAMER
GEORGE
yeah
he..he's alive
KRAMER
KRAMER
for a little while
yeah
ELAINE
ELAINE
where's Tony?
what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face
GEORGE GEORGE oh.. KRAMER
you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..
huh..
KRAMER
GEORGE
rock
Kramer was supposed to tie a knot
GEORGE
yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly
yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross
KRAMER
deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that
some big rock
TONY
GEORGE
I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I
we rode along all the way to the hospital KRAMER
was on a lot of medications, it was kinda like haze, it's pretty cool
yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall
ELAINE
(Elaine rushes out)
huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do u
JERRY well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?
recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered? TONY I don't know, I don't know
(Tony's) ELAINE ELAINE think Tony, think so huh, what did the doctors say? TONY TONY I'm drawing a blank, babe the said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages)
(knock on door)
ELAINE
(Elaine gets it, it's George)
but what else did they say
ELAINE
TONY
this isn't a very good time George
well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean
GEORGE
ELAINE
I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)
TONY
ELAINE
step off George, I don't wanna see you
Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back)
GEORGE
George wait wait
me? "step off"
GEORGE
ELAINE
yes?
yeah, Tony says you better step off George
ELAINE
GEORGE
can you throw this trash out (closes the door)
but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches Elaine
(Jerry's)
TONY
(Jane is giving Jerry a massage)
just beat it dude!
JERRY
GEORGE
I've been waiting a while for this.
here here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony)
You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get
please, next time it will only be the 2 of us
together on Saturday night
TONY
JANE
there won't be any next time George
that is too bad, what a shame
GEORGE
JERRY
oh Tony don't
yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!
ELAINE
JANE
ok step off George, can u just step off?
well maybe he's feeling better
GEORGE
JERRY
I I just.. but..
yeah without a doubt, I'm down
(Kramer enters) KRAMER JERRY what about the driver? oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer
JANE
KRAMER
what are you talking about?
hey
JERRY
JANE
alright I changed my mind, yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now
hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer) JANE KRAMER well ok I'll see you later, nice meeting you well hello Jane JERRY JANE what's with you? Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately
KRAMER
KRAMER
that's her
(very quickly)
JERRY
oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the
who? KRAMER
phone, alright I'll see you later buddy Erika, she's Erika JERRY JERRY wait, where are you going? where are you going?
oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman
KRAMER KRAMER uptown, to the ? JANE oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?
Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her JERRY
oh you're crazy
ELAINE
KRAMER
you know (acts like a monster)
am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
JERRY
JERRY
oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead
it's impossible
ELAINE
KRAMER
yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating,
is it? or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?
it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway
JERRY JERRY it can't be oh I though you didn't care about his looks KRAMER ELAINE can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
I lied
JERRY
JERRY
alright that's enough
aha
KRAMER
ELAINE
yeaaaaah!
are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know even
(Monk's) ELAINE
if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is.
he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?
You know Jerry
JERRY
JERRY
what?
oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there?
JANE ELAINE Erika? what are you talking about? yeah, yeah JERRY JERRY hey Kramer
how can u say things like that over the phone?
KRAMER
JANE
what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set
what are you talking about? JERRY
JERRY selling sexual pleasure over the phone? what's all set? JANE KRAMER I sell paper goods you jerk Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth
JERRY
JERRY
paper goods?
how's you get her to meet here?
ELAINE
KRAMER
excuse me, do you have a tissue?
I don't know, we have a certain chemistry
JANE
(Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table, smiling)
I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare
JERRY
(Elaine realizes)
oh my god
JANE
JANE
where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her)
hi I thought I'd find you here
ELAINE
JERRY
I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane)
hello.. Erika
(the bathroom)
(walks out of the bathroom, very furious) (to Jerry)
JANE don't call me anymore oh damn ELAINE
(Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands)
something.. wrong?
(Jane walks by Kramer and turns back)
JANE
JANE
yeah there's no toilet paper out here, I usually check but would you mind?
(to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) you either
ELAINE (sticks her tongue out :9) I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a
(Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouth open)
square JANE wait a minute, I know you
=============================== =============================== ===========
ELAINE that's right honey, and I know you! (Elaine gets out and she has 2 rolls of toilet paper) JANE no, no, no!!! (she's out of the bathroom now, very satisfied, and walks towards Jerry and gives him the rolls) ELAINE: here, take it JANE
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Monologue
Transcribed by: The News Guy(Mike) Fred Pinkard [ Newsstand Guy ],
We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't believe they could land a man on the moon . . . and taste my coffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the face of the earth. "
Frank Novak [ Clerk ],
[Jerry's Apartment]
Mark Holton [ David ],
ELAINE: Hey, do you believe I got happy new year today? It's February.
The Dinner Party Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Suzy Soro [ Barbara ], JERRY: I once got Happy new Year in July. Kathryn Kates [ Counterwoman ], ELAINE: It's S. Marc Jordan [ Man in Bakery ], JERRY: It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out? Langdon Bensing [ Man on Street ], ELAINE: It's really cold. Sayed Badreya [ Foreign Man ], JERRY: Scary cold. Amjad J. Oaisen [ Hussein ], Roger Eschbacher [ Man with Cane ]
ELAINE: I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold? [George enters in Gore-Tex jacket] JERRY: That.
Written by: Larry David
ELAINE: Huh, What is that, ha?
Directed by: Tom Cherones
GEORGE: What?
JERRY: When did you get that?
GEORGE: I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.
GEORGE: This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex?
ELAINE: You can't bring Pepsi.
JERRY: You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?
ELAINE: Because we're adults?
ELAINE: You can't even turn around in that thing. JERRY: Look at this [start hitting George] ELAINE: Hey George, can you feel this? [they are hitting his jacket]
GEORGE: Why not?
GEORGE: You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh, no way wine is better than Pepsi. JERRY: I'm telling you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi on the table.
GEORGE: All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go.
George: I just don't like the ideas that every time there is a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.
ELAINE: Maybe we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something.
JERRY: You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.
GEORGE: What for?
[Kramer enters]
ELAINE: These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.
KRAMER: All right, let's go. Who's driving?
GEORGE: Why? ELAINE: Because it's rude, otherwise.
JERRY: You are. I can't get that thing [George] in my car.
GEORGE: You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?
[In Kramer's car]
ELAINE: Yeah. GEORGE: So you're telling me instead of being happy to see me they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. You see what I'm saying? JERRY: The fabric of society is very complex George.
JERRY: Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Give me a squeeze. ELAINE: Get off of me. Get off of ME! JERRY: You're pretty comfortable up there eh. Bubble boy? GEORGE: Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.
ELAINE: I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine.
KRAMER: All right
GEORGE: Oh, here we go. Why don't we get them a couch? Bring them a nice sectional.
[The Royal Bakery]
ELAINE: We'll get some cake. Can you stop off at the bakery?
ELAINE: Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.
GEORGE: Why don't you just get some Ring Dings at the liquor store?
JERRY: Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side [mumble?] It's a wonderful thing isn't it?
ELAINE: Ring Dings? GEORGE: Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything you'll ever get at a bakery.
ELAINE: You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
KRAMER: I like Ring Dings. JERRY: I'm looking forward to it. ELAINE: George, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi. KRAMER: HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON! GEORGE: It's a funeral procession. . . . And I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit at the party. People be coming up to me, "just between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay . . . ELAINE: Oh, wait a minute. There's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here. Okay, let me out. You, whatever your name is…
ELAINE: Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you. JERRY: Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'? ELAINE: CHOCOLATE BOBKA! That's their specialty. JERRY: Love that Bobka. ELAINE: Yeah, yeah! JERRY: So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the cake box. ELAINE: Why?
JERRY: Jerry. ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry, come with me.
JERRY: I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string.
KRAMER: Okay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes.
ELAINE: You think it's effeminate?
ELAINE: Yeah.
ELAINE: Oh, we forgot to pick a number.
JERRY: It's a tad dainty.
JERRY: You see that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people.
GEORGE: Does the heater even work in this car? KRAMER: No.
ELAINE: You think I should go ask her for hers?
GEORGE: Hey, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see
JERRY: No, forget it. KRAMER: I see. ELAINE: No, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask them. Come on. . . . Excuse me.
GEORGE: You see, ho ho, [Royal Bakery] ELAINE: But we were here ahead of you.
[Kramer's car] Barbara: How do I know that? KRAMER: Wow, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do? GEORGE: Just double park
JERRY: Well we saw you come in. YYY: Well, that's easy for you to say.
KRAMER: No GEORGE: Why not?
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in line at bakeries.
KRAMER: I'll get a ticket! Besides,, what if somebody wants to get out of here?
CLERK: 46?
GEORGE: Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give them up.
ELAINE: Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict?
KRAMER: It's a fallacy.
BARBARA: Yes.
GEORGE: All right, I'll tell you what, why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?
ELAINE: Oh my god. I, I know you. Um, I'm Elaine Benes, you remember we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.
KRAMER: Why don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car?
BARBARA: I'm on my way over there right now.
GEORGE: Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.
ELAINE: Me too.
KRAMER: So what I'm going to leave the car running and the heater'll be on.
D: You're Jerry right? JERRY: David!
ELAINE: Well,, this is a little awkward, isn't it? BARBARA: Yes it is. ELAINE: You know we were here ahead of you. BARBARA: You're NOT getting my number. JERRY: Oh so you still don't believe us. CLERK: 47! BARBARA: Us. ELAINE: Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.
GEORGE: Twelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee you they aren't getting no twelve dollar cake. KRAMER: All right but I am going to have to pay you back latter I don't have my wallet. GEORGE: . . . Why not? KRAMER: Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter GEORGE: "throws your hips off kilter" So where's your money? KRAMER: I never take it. GEORGE: So what do you do?
BARBARA: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.
KRAMER: Oh, I get by.
CLERK: You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our last one.
BARBARA: See you later [exits with the Bobka]
[Liquor Store]
ELAINE: /JERRY: See you later.
[Royal Bakery]
JERRY: That's the last Bobka. They got the last Bobka. GEORGE: So alright, what are we getting? It's so hot in here!
ELAINE: I know. They're going in first with the last Bobka.
KRAMER: What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?
JERRY: That was our Bobka.
GEORGE: What's that?
ELAINE: You can't beat a Bobka.
KRAMER: It's robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais which is richer and fruitier. Here's one. Twelve dollars.
JERRY: We should have had that Bobka. ELAINE: They're going to be heroes.
JERRY: What are we going to do now. If we can't get the Bobka the whole thing's useless.
back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser Bobka - I think not. CLERK: 49?
ELAINE: Well how about a carrot cake? ELAINE: I'll have the cinnamon Bobka. JERRY: Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry.
JERRY: … and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace!
ELAINE: Black Forrest?
[Liquor store]
JERRY: Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh.
Cleck: That will be 13.05 GEORGE: All right here you go.
JERRY: How about a Napoleon? Clerk: A hundred? I can't change that. ELAINE: Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengle. JERRY: That wa sour Bobka. We had that Bobka!
GEORGE: You can't - oh uh oh All right let's go. KRAMER: Wait a second. I can get change. [Out on the street]
ELAINE: What's this one? CLERK: That's cinnamon Bobka. JERRY: Another Bobka? CLERK: There's chocolate and there's cinnamon. JERRY: Well, we've got to get the cinnamon. ELAINE: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with a lesser Bobka. JERRY: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no Bobka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes
KRAMER: Hey, anybody got change for a hundred? GEORGE: Hey, hey What are you doing? You'll get us killed. KRAMER: What? GEORGE: Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows after us. KRAMER: Okay. Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change. GEORGE: I am not buying something just to get change. KRAMER: George, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on.
KRAMER: All rright let's get some gum or something. GEORGE: Pack of gum, okay here you go. CLERK: What I this a hundred? I can't change a hundred.
GEORGE: You know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES! . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark Bar. CLERK: 6.75.
GEORGE: Why not?
GEORGE: Ah, great. With the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now.
CLERK: You got to buy more than that.
MAN1: [gibberish Arabic yelling]
KRAMER: Here, get a newspaper.
GEORGE: Sorry, it's a new coat. It's GoreTex.
GEORGE: A newspaper. CLERK: That's not enough.
KRAMER: You better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war.
KRAMER: A Clark Bar.
[Royal Bakery]
GEORGE: Clark Bar.
JERRY: Uhm, The thing about eating the Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved.
CLERK: Keep going. GEORGE: There's 22 dollars here. KRAMER: George, George, Get a Penthouse Forum. GEORGE: I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum. KRAMER: That will make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table.
ELAINE: Your views on race relations are fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for the Times. JERRY: Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look to the cookie. ELAINE: What is this?
GEORGE: Oh, that's nice. JERRY: What? KRAMER: Hey, did you ever read one of these? GEORGE: It's not real. They're all made up.
ELAINE: It's a hair. JERRY: Oh, take it back. Let's get another one.
KRAMER: Oh, it's real. ELAINE: No, we've already got this. I'll just take it off.
JERRY: No, really, let's get another one. It will just take a second.
JERRY: Well, why don't we just forget about the cake? ELAINE: No I'm bringing cake!
ELAINE: Excuse me. [Liquor store] Man: Hey hey, I'm in line here. ELAINE: No noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake with a hair on it.
GEORGE: All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Imagine if we didn't bring wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!
CLERK: You have to take a number. ELAINE: We waited fifteen minutes for this. Oh. YOU SOLD ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry taking a number) are you going to wait here? JERRY: Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it. ELAINE: It was a little hair. I took it off. JERRY: A little hair? Do you think that makes it better? ELAINE: What if it's your hair?
KRAMER: "I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true…" [exits to street] " A weeks days ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive our new neighbor Linda was…" GEORGE: Look at this? Somebody double parked and blocked us in. DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. No, no note. Can you believe this? KRAMER: "…well of course I noticed it too with those ample breasts and those pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock out…."
JERRY: What if it's your hair? [still on street but much later] ELAINE: What is wrong with my hair? Nothing. Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head. JERRY: Who needs misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred proof - takes your roots out. ELAINE: Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number.
GEORGE: I really can't comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it? KRAMER: No, no I can't comprehend it? GEORGE: I mean we can put a man on the moon but we're basically still very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys who built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?
KRAMER: Yeah, he could build the rocket but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in.
ELAINE: What happened?
GEORGE: So you really understand my point about building a rocket and doubleparking.
ELAINE: You can't tell me?
KRAMER: Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other part he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?
JERRY: I'd rather not talk about it.
JERRY: All right . . . I once had a hair in my Farina and I freaked out. ELAINE: You found a hair in your Farina? JERRY: Yeah,
GEORGE: Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard for basic human decency. If this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini would circle the block six times looking for a spot? KRAMER: How about Idi Amin? GEORGE: Ill tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the death penalty for double-parking. If this is allowed to go on this is not a society. THIS IS ANARCHY!
ELAINE: What happened? JERRY: I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina." Then I ran out of the house and I was running and running. I was little but I could run very fast. I just kept running and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site. ELAINE: Wow. Who's hair was it? JERRY: My mother's.
KRAMER: Are those shoes comfortable? CLERK: 68! GEORGE: No not really. ELAINE: That's us. KRAMER: They look comfortable. JERRY: Oh, good. GEORGE: I know that's why I bought them but they're not comfortable.
ELAINE: You sold us a hair with a cake around it. I'd like another one.
[Royal Bakery] CLERK: [coughing and coughing] ELAINE: Why couldn't we have just taken the hair off and go?
JERRY: Ah, that's lovely.
JERRY: No, out of the question.
ELAINE: Ah,
ELAINE: Why?
JERRY: Just what you want to see, yeah. . . . You want to trade your hair for some phlegm
JERRY: Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.
CLERK: Here you are.
ELAINE: Um, okay, we got the cake now. Where are George and Kramer?
you people? What do you think? You're Mussolini? MAN2: Back off puff ball it's not my car!
[on street outside Liquor Store] GEORGE: I wasn't talking to you. [honking] [Royal Bakery] KRAMER: HEY DOUBLE-PARKER. SOVIET SCUM. COME ON OUT. IT'S FREEZING! GEORGE: We're really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble.
ELAINE: Wait until I get my hands on that George. I'm going to pull that big hood over his little head, tie the string and suffocate him. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing.
KRAMER: Why?
JERRY: Uh, wa?
GEORGE: You know, Elaine.
ELAINE: What's the matter with you?
KRAMER: What about her?
JERRY: Uh, I don't feel so good.
GEORGE: . . . I'm a little scared of her.
ELAINE: What's wrong?
KRAMER: You're scared of Elaine?
JERRY: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
GEORGE: Yes! ELAINE: The black and white? KRAMER: Why? JERRY: Yeah. GEORGE: Did you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late because I bought a Panama hat she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top of it.
ELAINE: Not getting along? JERRY: I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan down there.
KRAMER: Let's go inside the liquor store. It's freezing in here.
ELAINE: Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?
GEORGE: Why didn't you wear a heavier coat? KRAMER: Because I wanted to look good for the party.
JERRY: I feel like I'm going to throw up.
GEORGE: Hey, hey that's great! That's very nice. We've been waiting twenty minutes for
JERRY: I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.
ELAINE: Hey, what about your vomit streak?
[Man with cane puts cane on Elaine's foot]
CLERK: You're paying for these.
ELAINE: Oh, oh!
[Royal bakery]
MAN3: Sooory.
ELAINE: How was it?
ELAINE: Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're doing you, LUNATIC!… uh, I think he broke my toe. [Jerry gets up] Where're you going?
JERRY: As good as it gets.
JERRY: Fourteen years down the drain.
[Outside Liquor Store] GEORGE: You know that coat was GoreTex. It was worth a hell of a lot more than that cheap Chardonnay.
[Liquor Store] GEORGE: Do chickens have individual personalities? KRAMER: (shivering) I don't care. GEORGE: If you had five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Cluck, puk cluck? Because if they have individual personalities I don't think we should be eating them. What's the matter with you?
KRAMER: I'm freezing. Definitely freezing. I can't stop shaking. GEORGE: I'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car. GEORGE: Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein. MAN4: Don't walk around without a coat in this weather; you'll catch your death of cold. So long. CLERK: Can I get you anything else?
CLERK: Can I help you guys with anything? GEORGE: We bought the wine here before, but now we're blocked in by some car that's double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out. CLERK: Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout. But my friend here has hypothermia.
JERRY: Oh, no thanks. CLERK: How about a nice box of "scram". [George enters] GEORGE: Somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He had a British accent though. What, what happened to you?
KRAMER: I've got hypothermia. CLERK: All right guys, take it outside. [George turns and breaks wine bottles]
ELAINE: Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to put up your …. JERRY: Hey, what happened to your coat? And what's the smell, what are you drunk?
GEORGE: I had to give it to the liquor store guy.
the insanity defense, this is the hat to wear. Your lawyer should insist on it. [puts on the hat] Your honor, "The defense rests."
JERRY: What for? GEORGE: I spilled some Chardonnay. So what did you get? ELAINE: Cinnamon Bobka. GEORGE: Cinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate? JERRY: George! [In the car]
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[silence] [Apartment #7] ELAINE: Here, here's your cake. GEORGE: And your wine. ELAINE: See ya'. JERRY: See ya'. [END] Monologue I heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is actually lost through the top of the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat. But there's no hat that makes a statement quite like a hat with a flap. The hat with the flaps makes a statement like no other hat makes. This hat says to the world "I would rather have the heat in my skull rather than anything society could possibly offer." In fact I would say if you're on trial for a serious crime and you lawyer recommends
Best Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirtsBest Seinfeld TshirtsBest Seinfeld T-shirts Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact The Marine Biologist Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Episode #78 Originally Aired: Wednesday, February 10, 1994, 9:30 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Production Credits:
Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Diane ............................... Rosalind Allen Also:
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Hotel Clerk ............................... Daivid Blackwood Woman at beach ............................... Heather Morgan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teleplay By .......................... Larry Charles Story By ............................. Bruce Kirschbaum
(Open Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone)
Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cast: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld George Costanza ...................... Jason Alexander Elaine Benes ......................... Julia LouisDrefus
Elaine: (to the phone)Well did he bring it up in the meeting?
(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine)
Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years I've had this T-shirts, it's my best one, I call him...Golden Boy
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards
Elaine: I'm on the phone here.
With:
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry, here
Newman ............................... Wayne Knight Corinne ............................... Carol Kane
touch Golden Boy!
Lippman ............................... Richard Fancy
Elaine: No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Testikov ............................... George Murdock
Jerry: But see look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly
dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes
Elaine: Oh! Don't you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy!
the T-shirts such a tragic figure. Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight? Jerry: No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays
Jerry: Hey ya know what I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War--What Is It Good For?"! Elaine: Ha ha.
every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away
Jerry: No, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like
from him, you break his spirit! the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace"! (Elaine is suddenly excited)
Elaine: But it's a line from that song! Jerry: That's were they got it from!
Elaine: (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Elaine: Really? Jerry: I'm not joking!
(George enters with a handful of mail)
George: You can't handle the truth!(he salutes)
Jerry: The guy in the gulag! Jerry: What? Elaine: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday in a limousine! Jerry: You wanna barrow Golden Boy!
George: I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth!(he solutes) Elaine: What, is this your mail? (She takes the mail and starts flipping
through)
Jerry: He can't handle the truth!
George: Yeah, I grabbed it on my way, I don't want my mother reading it.
Elaine: All right.. this is too fun I gotta get back to work.
Elaine: Oh! Your Alumni Magazine. Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
(Elaine leaves and in the hall she meets up with Kramer, he is holding a set
George: Yeah. of golf clubs) Jerry: What do you mean like post-cards? George: No, anything. Jerry: She doesn't open? George: She'll open!
Kramer: Ah, maybe you could use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, here, ah, it's an electronic organizer, ah, here it is.
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes! George: Yeah.
(Elaine Gasps)
Jerry: What did she say? George: I was curious! Jerry: Isn't that against the law? George: Maybe I can get her locked up.
Kramer: Yeah you know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything Elaine: Wow!
Elaine: (She looks closer at the mag.) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni
Kramer: It's got an alarm that beeps!
magazine! Listen to this: Jerry Seinfled has appeared on "David
Elaine: Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer! I've been wanting to get one of
Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC called
these things! Are you sure...(Kramer drops a piece of paper and
"Jerry"...that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn't there anything
bends over to pick it up and drops balls everywhere) Are you sure you
about you in here?
can't use one of these things??
Kramer: Oh no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head) Elaine: Where'd you get this?
George: I do. Kramer: (once again, over excited) Are you just sayin' you want to have fun
Kramer: The bank, I opened a new account. or do you really want to have fun?! Jerry: I really wanna have some fun. (Back inside Jerry's apartment) George: I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun. George: Did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
Kramer: Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got at the driving
Jerry: No.
range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way
George: I'm such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showing how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!
and hit them-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now picture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take
Jerry: It's a mammal.
out our drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball
George: Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder?
goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then.......
Jerry: Yeah, got it from the bank.
..... gulp!
(Kramer enters without his golf bag)
George: Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch? Jerry: Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you at the
Kramer: (over excited) Hey
coffee shop.
George: Hey
George: Yeah, I'm gonna go get a paper.
Kramer: (still over excited) Who wants to have some fun! Jerry: I do.
(Kramer gets ready to make another swing)
Jerry: Well he's kind of modest. George: Keep your head down.
(At the automatic teller machine Jerry is getting his money and there is a woman beside him)
Diane: He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere? Jerry: Sure. Diane: Yeah? What field? Jerry: Marine biology. Diane: George is a marine biologist?!
Jerry: Cash advance...yes (he looks over) no (he looks over again)balance inquiry...no (he looks again) receipt....no (he looks again) processing...processing...processing.(He opens the box and gets his money and then looks at the woman and says)I won!
Jerry: A pretty damn good one, too! Diane: I can't believe it I mean I would never had thought.. Jerry: Yeah...he specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales...all that blubber-- quite unhealthy. You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they
(Jerry starts to walk away)
don't have to be."
Diane: Jerry?
(In the coffee shop Jerry and George are sitting)
Jerry: Yeah Diane: Diane, Diane DeConn, from college. I've seen you on TV you're doin' great. Jerry: Yeah pluggin' along. Diane: I got the Alumni magazine. Ya know what ever happened to your friend George? I never see him in there.
George: Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn! Jerry: Something huh? George: Yeah! How'd she look. Jerry: She looked great. She asked about you.
George: She did! What did she say?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
Jerry: "How's George?"
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
George: George! She said George? She remembered my name. Diane DeConn
Jerry: I'm aware of that. George: So?
remembered my name. She was the "it" girl! Jerry: You don't think it's a good job. Jerry: Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with
George: I didn't think it was a job.
you.
Jerry: Oh. It's a fascinating field!
George: OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna
George: What if she calls. What will I say?
be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. You
(In George's parent's house...George is sitting in a chair. He is talking to
got that. Diane on the phone) Jerry: I got no problem with that. George: Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game...we're finished! Jerry: Expect a call.
George: Algae, obviously plankton, I don't know what else I can tell you, Oh I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles.
George: Oh my god he's not kidding. Jerry: Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression the
(In the limo Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin')
you are a..... George: A what? Jerry: A marine biologist.
Lippman: We have got you in a very nice hotel, I don't know how you like to
George: A marine biologist....why am I a marine biologist?
work but I can arrange for an office if you want.
Testikov: I will work in hotel...much better. I will work away from all the
Elaine: It's coming from my purse. It must be my new organizer, here.
penny bickering and interference.
Lippman: Elaine...here!
Lippman: You know Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces
Testikov: Turn it off. Lippman: It's the top one!
inspired him. Elaine: I'm trying! Testikov: He didn't need any inspiration....God spoke through his pen.
Testikov: HERE!
Elaine: That is so true! Although one wonders if "War and Peace" would has (He throws it out the window of the limo) been as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under it's original name "War---What Is It Good For?" Lippman: What? Elaine: Yes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress who insisted he called it
(On the beach Kramer is getting ready to hit a ball. He swings and misses. He looks for it in the air and the notes that it is still on the ground. Then he goes nuts)
"War and Peace." "War--What Is It Good For."(sang) Absolutely nothin'! (spoken to Testikov)that's the song that they got from
Jerry: I did it for you.
Tolstoy.
George: Yeah, but what did you have to tell her that for. You put me in a
Lippman: I'm sorry, it's just her sense of humor.
very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
(Elaine's organizer starts beeping)
Testikov: What is that noise! Lippman: What is that?
Jerry: You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley. George: Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands
livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
(Kramer starts to scratch his body and rip his coat off)
Jerry: Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the Jerry: What, what, what's wrong with you? squeaking and the squealing. George: Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I'm supposed to see
Kramer: Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (Looking down his shirt) Look there is still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the pockets!
her tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. Maybe she likes me for me.
(Kramer bangs into the room with his golf clubs)
Kramer: Hey.
(He empties his pocket and tons of sand falls out)
Jerry: Hey you're getting it all over the floor!
(Karma falls over as the phone rings)
Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs) I don't want em! Jerry: What? Kramer: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out! Jerry: Well what happened? Kramer: I have no concentration!
Jerry: (to the phone)Hello....yeah....yes it is....really....oh. Can you hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help track down the owner. George: How'd she find it? Jerry: It hit her in the head!
Jerry: Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that. (Woman on the phone and Jerry are sitting in the coffee shop) (Organizer beeps again) Corinne: So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the sudden this thing come flying out off no were and cunks me right on
Corinne: (shouting at the top of her lungs)Stop it! Stop it! Jerry: Let me have a look at this thing.
the head. Jerry: Ya. Corinne: Yeah, So they took me to the hospital and they put me in this thing that fells like a coffin for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!
Corinne: Yeah know somebody told me they thought they saw it coming out of a limousine. Jerry: Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can. Corinne: Boy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button.
Jerry: Well you have insurance...
Jerry: I would like to know what my name is doin in this creep's organizer
Corinne: I wish!
to begin with.
Jerry: Unbelievable!
Corinne: Ya.
Corinne: Yeah.
Jerry: Who do I even know that would have been in a limousine yesterday anyway. OHHHH!
(Organizer beeps)
Jerry: What is with this thing.
(In the hallway Elaine knocks on Kramer's door, he answers)
Corinne: I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you can see why I Kramer: Oh, hey. would be interested in finding this person.
Elaine: Hey, "great" organizer that you gave me.
Elaine: So? Jerry: So what do you have to say for yourself?
(Kramer is still itching cause the sand) Elaine: So what do you have to say for yourself? Kramer: Oh, you like it huh. Elaine: It wouldn't stop beeping in the car so Testikov through it out the
(Jerry unlocks the door and they both walk in and close the door)
window. Kramer: Oh.
Jerry: Why should I have anything for say for myself?
Elaine: I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm
Elaine: "War-- What is it go for?"!
lost now, Kramer.
Jerry: Ha Ha, who told you? Elaine: Ha ha ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
(He goes crazy again) Jerry: You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War-- What Elaine: What, what is it?
Is IT Good For?"?
Kramer: The sand, it's everywhere!
Elaine: Ya know what happened?
Elaine: OK I'll see you later.
Jerry: Can I take a guess? Elaine: Please.
(Kramer closes the door and Jerry walks up to his door)
Jerry: Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?
Jerry: Oh, there you are!
(Elaine pushes Jerry)
Elaine: There you are! Jerry: So?
Elaine: What, how did you know that?
Diane: Really? Jerry: Because I know who has it. Elaine: What, how did you find it? Jerry: Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name in
George: Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things like... architecture...
it, called me up, and we met! (At the hotel that Testikov is staying at) Elaine: Well where is it, give it to me! Jerry: I don't have it! Elaine: Why not. Jerry: Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill. Elaine: But I didn't do Testikov did it, he should have to pay for it! Jerry: How much is Testikov getting from Pendman for this book? Elaine: One million. Jerry: Well that's a start.
(George and Diane are walking on the beach)
Jerry: You know what room Testikov's in? Elaine: Ya, 308. I'm crazy for doing this! Jerry: Well, you want to get your organizer back don't you? Elaine: Why are you so interested, you want to take her out? Jerry: You know when Super Man saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her! Elaine: Well you're not Super Man. Jerry: Well you're not Louis Lane. Elaine: Oh. Listen, you have the taperecorder. Jerry: Ya, are you sure you want to do this.
George: Then of course with evolution the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look
Elaine: Ya I got to get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the "New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not going to pay for it. Jerry: Ah, here she comes.
really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to be.
(Corinne enters through the hotel door)
opens it up and it is Jerry and Elaine)
Jerry: Hi, Elaine, this is Corinne.
Testikov: (In a loud and cranky voice) What, What is it! Oh! Come in. That
Elaine: Hi, you got the organizer? is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring (The organizer starts to beep as Corinne opens her coat to show the organizer in her inside coat pocket)
Jerry: All right lets go. We'll meet you back here in ten minutes hopefully with the money.
guest for my entertainment? Elaine: Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. He accompanied me, ya know, single woman alone in a big city could be dangerous. Jerry: Yes. That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble and zip, I'm gone.
(At the beach George and Diane are still walking)
Diane: Your parents must be so proud of you, George.
Testikov: Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. The Americans and their sneakers. Always running from something. Well, sit stop running, two minutes and I'll give you the latest manuscript!
George: Oh, they're busting!
(there is a large crowd of men and women)
(They both sit down and Jerry picks out a very large book from the coffee table)
Diane: What are those people doing over there?
(In Testikov's hotel room there is a knock and he goes to answer it. He
Jerry: Oh! Ramscy<?>, great great book if I my say so sir. I almost read the whole thing.
(Corinne is standing in the hotel lobby smoking while the organizer is still
Testikov: Here is the latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same
beeping)
place. On time please. Jerry: It was nice meeting you, real pleasure!
Corinne: What! Hotel Clerk: If you can't thing off I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Elaine: Oh, by the way Mr. Testikov do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and my organizer started beeping and you threw it
Corinne: I'm waitin for two people! out the window? Hotel Clerk: Well you can wait for them outside.
Testikov: How could I forget?
Corinne: Yeah I guess I'd better. Wouldn't want to take any attention away
Elaine: Well would you believe that it hit actually somebody in the head.
from the hookers!
Jerry: Right in the head!
Hotel Clerk: All right, All right. Out, Out.
Elaine: Boing!
Corinne: What ever you say Cro..w-well! (The tape-recorder in Elaine's purse starts to squeak) (On the beach George and Diane are standing with the crowd) Testikov: (Shouting)What is that noise! Diane: What's going on over here?
Elaine: Um ,nothing.
Woman at beach: There is a beached whale, she's dying.
Testikov: What is the noise!
Voice: Is anyone here a marine biologist? (He grabs the purse) Elaine: Hey that's my purse! (In Testikov's room) (He pulls out the recorder)
Testikov: A recorder!
(He turns and throws his hat down. He walks into the ocean)
Elaine: No that's a radio.. Testikov: You were spying on me! Elaine: No I wasn't.
(At the coffee shop Jerry and Kramer are awaiting the story)
(He throws the recorder out of the hotel window)
George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the
(Corinne is standing outside of the hotel and looks up to see the
breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine
tape-recorder falling to hit her in the head) intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry (Kramer is standing at his window knocking his boot on the windowsill trying
at that moment I was a marine biologist!
to get the sand out but he drops it) (Elaine enters and sits down) (Newman is walking down the street whistling but he stops and looks up and he
Elaine: George I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing!
yells as the boat hits him in the head) George: I know I was just telling them the story. (At the beach everyone is yelling at George)
Crowd: Come on! Save the whale! Hurry up it's gonna die!
Kramer: Come on George, finish the story. George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli!
Diane: Save the whale George... for me. (Jerry gives Kramer a "what the h-" glance)
George: I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish! Jerry: Mammal.
Written by Tom Gammill and Max Pross; directed by Tom Cherones; Episode no. 79; pc: 515, season 5, episode 15; Broadcast date: Feb 7, 1994 Guest Stars: Suzanne Snyder - Audrey Christine Dunford - Saleswoman Reni Santoni - Poppie Lane Davies - MacKenzie Mark Beltzman - Bob Sunday Theodore - Olive Sam Lloyd - Ricky Paul Mantee - Health Inspector Patricia Belcher - Woman #1 Pamela Mant - Woman #2 Bernard Hocke - Guy in Diner Eamonn Roche - Waiter Robert Kino - Ricky's Boss Tony Edwards - Businessman
George: Whatever. Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
[setting: Monk's coffee shop, evening]
George: Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!
(Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner) AUDREY: Hum! That was really good! JERRY: Yeah. Are you full? AUDREY: Oh no, I've had just enough. (Waitress brings dessert)
(George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball) The Pie Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
JERRY: Here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) Delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some. AUDREY: No thanks. JERRY: You're not gonna have any?
Transcribed by: Christian Fecteau
AUDREY: No (with a disgusted face) GEORGE: That's a great idea!!! JERRY: Do you not like apple pie? JERRY: Tell me about it! AUDREY: No, it's not that. JERRY: Well, at least taste it.
GEORGE: We could be zipping all over the place.
AUDREY: No (a resolute "no")
JERRY: They could at least try it.
JERRY: You won't even taste it?
GEORGE: They never try anything.
AUDREY: No.
JERRY: What's the harm?
JERRY: Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing "no") A little taste! (still shaking) Come on! (still shaking)
GEORGE: No harm!
(scene ends) [setting: Jerry's appartment, the next day]
JERRY: (still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason for her not to taste that pie.
(Jerry and George)
ELAINE: Who wouldn't taste a pie?
GEORGE: Did she say why?
JERRY: Audrey.
JERRY: No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head like this (Imitating Audrey)
ELAINE: Dump her.
(Elaine enters)
JERRY: Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie???
GEORGE: Maybe she's diabetic. JERRY: No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse.
ELAINE: (piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. JERRY: You did?
GEORGE: Maybe you said something that offended her. JERRY: The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city. GEORGE: Like at the airport? (getting excited)
ELAINE: He could be eating a Hero, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness. GEORGE: Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I just gonna be wishing there were walkways. (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What are you doing? ELAINE: I got a pebble.
JERRY: Yeah.
JERRY: Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman?
GEORGE: Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have somme really cool suits in there?
ELAINE: What the hell does that mean?
KRAMER: Real Boss!
(Kramer enters)
ELAINE: I'm going down there.
KRAMER: Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating a mannequin posture)
GEORGE: I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a new suit. I got a second interview with MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. They're all taking me out to lunch on Friday.
ELAINE: What? Why? KRAMER: Do it. Do it. This.
ELAINE: (grabbing George by the arm, hurried to leave) Let's go.
ELAINE: Like... (doing it) Like this? KRAMER: Oh yeah! It's you! ELAINE: What's me? KRAMER: (to the gang) There's a clothing store downtown. They got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine.
GEORGE: All right. All right. (They both leave) KRAMER: (leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this? JERRY: Keep it. (implied: please) (scene ends)
ELAINE: Get out! [setting: Rinitze] KRAMER: It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together, and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite. GEORGE: Kramer, what's the name of the store with the mannequin? KRAMER: Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his back with it) Oh yeah... JERRY: (to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the hell's Kramer doing) KRAMER: It's this itch. I was watching TV without my shirt on, and one my couch cushion didn't have any fabric on it.
(George and Elaine stares at the mannequin) ELAINE: It looks exactly like me. GEORGE: It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body. Don't fall asleep Elaine. ELAINE: What's going on here? How do you think this happened? GEORGE: Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful suit. Huh? ELAINE: You think that could be a coincidence George? Is that possible? (the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit)
SALESWOMAN: (european accent) You are perfect for that suit. GEORGE: You think so?
ELAINE: What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress? (looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George) I'll meet you outside.
ELAINE: (to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where did this come from?
(Elaine leaves and waits outside)
SALESWOMAN: I don't know.
SALESWOMAN: What is her problem?
GEORGE: You really think this looks O.K. on me?
GEORGE: Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a tag on the suit) Is this the price tag?
SALESWOMAN: Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the last one we have.
SALESWOMAN: Yes.
ELAINE: I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from? SALESWOMAN: I told you, I don't know. ELAINE: (irritated, but still polite) Well, is there somebody around here I could talk to who would know? SALESWOMAN: Why? ELAINE: Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me. (saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine) ELAINE: (upset) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you.
GEORGE: Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off the suit) SALESWOMAN: I'll tell you a little secret. We're having an unadvertised sale starting Friday, that suit will be half-price. GEORGE: So you think you can put the suit aside and hold it for me? SALESWOMAN: Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the other customers. GEORGE: Oh yes, of course, and we have to be fair. (placing the suit further away in the rack) (scene ends) [setting: Monk's] (Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth)
SALESWOMAN: I think maybe you're flattering yourself. That mannquein is wearing a 1200$ Gaultier dress. (George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care about their dispute)
ELAINE: So, I found out who supplies the mannequins and I called 'em up. KRAMER: How did they get your face?
ELAINE: I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening, he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je... Hello?
JERRY: I think you know my policy.
JERRY: (Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie.
ELAINE: I thought George was meeting us here?
KRAMER: I'm going home to spatula. (picks up the check and walks to the cashier)
WOMAN 1: That's right.
JERRY: No he's going downtown to guard the suit.
JERRY: And you waved it away.
ELAINE: He's guarding a suit?
WOMAN 2: Right.
OLIVE (the cashier) : (to Kramer) Do you need some help with that itch?
JERRY: Did you give her a reason? WOMAN 2: Yes, I was full. JERRY: You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head. WOMAN 2: No, I'm not a psycho. JERRY: Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is. ELAINE: We certainly have. KRAMER: Hey, Elaine scratch my back.
KRAMER: Madam, I pray you're not toying with me. (Olive shows her long finger nails) Whoa. OLIVE: Turn around. KRAMER: Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.) (scene ends) [setting: Rinitze] SALESWOMAN: (makes a guy trying the suit. His name is not mentionned but it seems to be Bob as it appears in the credits at the end of the episode.) It fits you perfectly.
ELAINE: No way! KRAMER: Come on, one lap around. ELAINE: No. KRAMER: It will be a funky adventure. ELAINE: Kramer, forget it.
BOB: You think so? (she nods and walks away) GEORGE: (outside, looking the guy trying the suit through the window, and thinking out loud) What's this? Can't I leave this place for a second? (goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to him with an european accent) Can I help you?
KRAMER: Jerry, how about you? BOB: I'm buying the suit.
GEORGE: No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. (tries to take off the suit from the guy) BOB: Excuse me, do you work here? GEORGE: (leaving the european accent) No.
JERRY: You've tasted them? AUDREY: Um-hmm, I think almost all of them. JERRY: Oh I see they have apple pie. AUDREY: Mmm-hmm.
BOB: Then what the hell business is it of yours? GEORGE: Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale. This suit is gonna be half-priced starting ... Monday. BOB: Really? This Monday? GEORGE: Yes. Now take off those pants. SALESWOMAN: Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday.
JERRY: You've had the apple pie? AUDREY: Many times. JERRY: Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such a thing would prey on my mind. AUDREY: Can we drop this?
BOB: Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look at George and leaves) GEORGE: (to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it.
JERRY: (like a frustrated child) Why can't I know? (Poppie comes to the table) AUDREY: Ah! Poppie.
(she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like he's really seeing Elaine naked)
POPPIE: Sweetheart, hello. AUDREY: Poppie, this is Jerry.
(scene ends) POPPIE: Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand) [setting: Poppie's restaurant] JERRY: Hello Poppie. (Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at the menu) JERRY: I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts here? AUDREY: Everything is delicious.
POPPIE: Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making you a very special dinner. Very special. (he leaves) JERRY: The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves)
KRAMER: Ohh! (Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while Poppie flushes and gets out of the stall)
(scene ends) [setting: Poppie's]
POPPIE: Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real treat. I'm personnaly going to prepare the dinner for you and my Audrey.
(Poppie serves dinner) POPPIE: Here it is.
(He zips up and leaves whitout washing his hands. Jerry notices it) (back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen with his hands in the dough, making dinner)
AUDREY: Wait till you taste this. (she eats) Poppie, this is perfect. POPPIE: (to Jerry) Well? AUDREY: Jerry have some.
AUDREY: Jerry are you OK? (Jerry shakes his head doing "no") JERRY: Huh? AUDREY: You're not gonna taste it? AUDREY: Is anything wrong? (still shaking) JERRY: No, Nothing. AUDREY: Jerry. AUDREY: You look like you've seen a ghost. (Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie smiles and winks at him)
(still shaking) (scene ends) [setting: Jerry's appartment]
(scene ends) [setting: Monk's]
(Jerry and George eat cereals sitting on the couch)
OLIVE: (to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow.
JERRY: So she tought I did it to get back at her
(Kramer enters with flowers)
GEORGE: Why didn't you just tell her?
KRAMER: Hey. These are for you Olive.
JERRY: I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene.
OLIVE: Thank you. (They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back)
GEORGE: How could he not have washed?
[setting: Rinitze] JERRY: Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something. GEORGE: Yeah, just like I do. JERRY: You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught.
(The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting. He rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident. Bob can't find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different rack.) BOB: Where is it? Where is it?
GEORGE: Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave ti?
GEORGE: (George takes out the suit from the other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently) This doesn't belong here! Someone has made a terrible mistake.
JERRY: We haven't spoken.
BOB: You bastard! You hid the suit.
(Kramer enters holding the spatula)
GEORGE: Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it.
KRAMER: Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula) GEORGE: Olive? KRAMER: Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks. You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ohh! She's a maestro. The crisscross. The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen.
BOB: I hope you rot in that suit. I'm gonna get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you. You are going to pay! GEORGE: Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci my fellow 40-short. (scene ends) [setting: Monks] (Jerry and Elaine at a booth)
GEORGE: I got to get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes. KRAMER: Is that Elaine mannequin still there? GEORGE: Yeah. The last time I saw her, she was naked. JERRY: Yeah, and Poppie's got problems... (scene ends)
ELAINE: So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin. You know, possible suspects. JERRY: Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested) ELAINE: There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose.
JERRY: Hum... ok, what else you got? ELAINE: OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list. JERRY: Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it? ELAINE: Because you have an attitude. (George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his fingers) JERRY and ELAINE: Oh!
JERRY: So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise? GEORGE: Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire? JERRY: You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts. (Kramer comes back from the bathroom) KRAMER: Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before.
JERRY: Georgio! Nice duds! JERRY: Audrey? GEORGE: You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think?
KRAMER: Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie.
JERRY: Did you hear something?
JERRY: Was it apple?
ELAINE: Yeah, like a swoosh.
KRAMER: What else?
JERRY: Yeah.
JERRY: This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel!
ELAINE: It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound.
(a stranger stops and looks at Elaine) STRANGER: Do I know you?
(George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again) GEORGE: I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!
ELAINE: Hmm... No you don't. STRANGER: Yeah! You were wearing a Gstring and one of those bras with points. ELAINE: The mannequin! JERRY: Oh, I got to see this thing.
JERRY: So what? What would they care? (scene ends) GEORGE: This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.
[setting: Rinitze]
(Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked by another mannequin)
(They get out with the mannequin) (scene ends)
JERRY: Boy, the resemblance is uncanny. [setting: Jerry's car] (Elaine goes to the saleswoman) ELAINE: You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in your window! SALESWOMAN: It's our store and our mannequin, we can do whatever we want with it.
(Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between them. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.) JERRY: I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some doublemint gum. I'm dropping you off at work, right? ELAINE: Where are you going?
ELAINE: No! You take down that mannequin right now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry goes along) Yes, this is my attorney. SALESWOMAN: (to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking? JERRY: Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney, ELAINE: Uh-huh JERRY: The Charlie Macarthy hearings. ELAINE: Uh-huh. Are you taking this down?
JERRY: Poppie's (scene ends) [setting: a restaurant] (George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking to a table) MACKENZIE: Thanks for meeting me down here George. My office is out of control, (George's pants are making noise) phones ringing, people running in and out. (MacKenzie stops talking and walking, George too) Did you hear something? GEORGE: No, I didn't hear anything.
SALESWOMAN: I'm getting the manager. (she leaves) ELAINE: Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin)
MACKENZIE: Huh, that's strange. (they start walking again) It's quieter here. We can concentrate without people wooshing around... (he stops again, George too) That sound again. Sure you didn't hear anything?
JERRY: What are you doing? GEORGE: No, can't say as I did. ELAINE: Just get the car! MACKENZIE: Kind of like a... rustling. JERRY: Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this.
GEORGE: Could be the leaves...
(scene ends)
Health Inspector: I think you'd better come with me.
[setting: Poppie's] POPPIE: What's the problem? (Audrey talks to a client on the phone) (Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector) AUDREY: That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll see you at 8:00. Bye-bye.
AUDREY: What do they want from Poppie?
JERRY: Hello.
JERRY: Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.
AUDREY: What are you doing here?
(scene ends)
JERRY: So how was the pie?
[setting: at the restaurant with MacKenzie]
AUDREY: What pie?
(everybody's laughing at the table)
JERRY: The apple pie you had today at Monks
MACKENZIE: You taught I'd care about your pants wooshing?
AUDREY: I'm very busy here.
GEORGE: I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whislted.
JERRY: Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it.
(a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey)
MACKENZIE: No, no, no. He got fired because he wasn't a team player. That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll find we're team here George. We don't tolerate dissent. If you want to go your own way, you're in the wrong place.
Health Inspector: All right, I'm looking for someone named Poppie.
GEORGE: No problem there. Conformity is an obsession with me.
AUDREY: Uh, who are you?
(The waiter brings dessert)
Health Inspector: Board of health, we've had several complaints.
WAITER: Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of the house.
JERRY: Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands)
MACKENZIE: Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert.
Health Inspector: Are you Poppie?
WAITER: (to George) The chef said that he made it special for you.
AUDREY: You better not let Poppie see you here.
POPPIE: I'm Poppie.
GEORGE: Oh... (George looks around and sees the chef hiding behind a plant: it's Bob!)
no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you. OLIVE: What?
MACKENZIE: Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take a bite George. (George shakes his head doing "no") Well, take a bite. It's delicious. (still shaking) I insist. (still shaking)
KRAMER: Uh, well, there's someone else. OLIVE: Someone else? KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
BUSINESSMAN: If you're one of us, you'll take a bite. (still shaking)
OLIVE: Who is she? KRAMER: Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car)
(scene ends) OLIVE: her? [setting: Monk's] (evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash) JERRY: So you didn't get the job. GEORGE: No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill.
KRAMER: Yeah, there she is. That's my gal. OLIVE: You're a liar. I've seen her in here before. She's not your girlfriend. KRAMER: Now Olive, look, I'm sorry. OLIVE: Why is she wearing her underwear?
JERRY: Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have to say something. KRAMER: What am I supposed to say?
KRAMER: Well, it's a style. (turns back to Jerry) Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that.
JERRY: Tell her you lost your itch. GEORGE: What happened to your itch? KRAMER: I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.
(Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the mannequin while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't work quite as good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's hand fall out from the arm!)
JERRY: Well you should tell her. KRAMER: I'll let her down easy. All right. (he gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) No,
(Commercials cut the scene but we assume Kramer left with Jerry's car and the mannequin. Jerry and George are still at the table, eating dessert)
GEORGE: Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?
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JERRY: No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long long time. (Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking at her, confused.) ELAINE: You guys are not gonna believe this. I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago who's shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin that looked just like me. What if there're more. Where are they coming from?
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(scene ends)
(Jerry and George just stare at Kramer)
[setting: The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in "The Cigar Store Indian" who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV guide.]
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one eh.
RICKY'S BOSS: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin. RICKY: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine. (end of the show)
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Jerry: Well the crowd most have gone wild! George: Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist! Jerry: Wow! What'd she say? George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home. Jerry: All right lets go.
Elaine: Are you in a bad mood? Jerry: No, I just got my laundry back.
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Elaine: Ohhh! GoldenBoy? Jerry: He didn't make it. Elaine: I'm sorry. Jerry: This is GoldenBoy's son, BabyBlue.
The Stand-In Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Kramer: What's with you? George: Sand. It's everywhere (End) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Transcribed by: 13erla http://seinology.com Posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks) Episode 80 - The Stand-In pc: 516, season 5, episode 16 Broadcast date: February 24, 1994
<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
Written by Larry David Directed by Tom Cherones
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer
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Guest Stars: Mark Tymchyshyn ............Phil Karla Tamburrelli ...............Daphne Debbie Lee Carrington .....Tammy W. Earl Brown ....................Al Michael Rivkin ...................Fulton Joe Gieb ...............................Johnny Layne Beamer .....................Father
Thomas Dekker ..................Son Jerome Betler ......................Director rc: Danny Woodburn ........Mickey Abbott
GEORGE: There's nothing to talk about. JERRY: Ya, what's there to talk about.
=============================== =============== [Setting: Comedy Club]
GEORGE: Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
Opening Monologue: The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going)
JERRY: Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?
(scene ends)
JERRY: Hey, Al.
GEORGE: She knows there is nothing to talk about. JERRY: At least you'll be talking. GEORGE: Oh shut up. (Al comes onto the bus) AL: Hey, look who's here.
GEORGE: Hey, Al. How's it going? [Setting: Jerry and George on a Bus] GEORGE: It's just not good, it's not good. JERRY: It's not good.
AL: (extremely happy) Deeply in love. We have soo many things to talk about. Sometimes we'll talk all night, till the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; to George) so how about you?
GEORGE: I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.
GEORGE: Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower.
JERRY: Well at breakfast everybody reads.
AL: Great girl.
GEORGE: No. Lunch we read, dinner we read.
GEORGE: We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks.
JERRY: You read during lunch?
JERRY: Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.
GEORGE: Ya JERRY: Oh, well.
AL: (to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?
JERRY: Ya.
JERRY: Oh, stop it.
AL: I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit.
GEORGE: Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care?
JERRY: Me? JERRY: So you're not gonna come? AL: Ya, he said he could use a good laugh. GEORGE: No but say hello for me. GEORGE: What about me? (Kramer and Mickey enter) AL: (to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks toward the front of the bus) This is my stop. Uh see ya.
KRAMER: Hey! JERRY: Hey! Hey Mick.
GEORGE: Ya MICKEY: Hey Jerry. JERRY: Ya, see ya. KRAMER: What's doing? (Al leaves) JERRY: Nothing, what's doing with you? GEORGE: Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.
KRAMER: Same old, same old. JERRY: George this is Mickey.
JERRY: (points to George) Ya. GEORGE: Hi, nice to meet you. (Scene Ends) (George and Mickey shake hands) [Setting: Jerry's apartment]
MICKEY: Pleasure.
(Jerry and George enter the apartment)
JERRY: How's work going you guys?
GEORGE: I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.
MICKEY: Lets not even talk about it. GEORGE: (to Kramer) You got a job?
JERRY: Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me. GEORGE: Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse.
KRAMER: Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father.
MICKEY: (to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that paralegal crap. JERRY: How do you stop a kid from growing? KRAMER: (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
(Kramer and Mickey leave Jerry's apartment and enter the hallway) KRAMER: Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes. MICKEY: Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done. KRAMER: You wanna keep your job don't you? MICKEY: Ya but..
MICKEY: I offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry and George) but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
(Kramer interrupts him) KRAMER: YAH! No Buts
KRAMER: (to Mickey) What about lifts? MICKEY: Kramer MICKEY: (to Kramer) Out of the question. (Kramer interrupts again) GEORGE: (to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget? (Mickey grabs the counter with rage on his face, Jerry does a form of gulp) MICKEY: (turns and moves up to George, points his finger at him) It's little people, you got that?
KRAMER: (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH! (Scene Ends) [Fulton's Hospital Room]
KRAMER: Easy Mickey, easy.
(Fulton lying in the Hospital Bed, Jerry Enters)
GEORGE: Yap..
JERRY: Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.
KRAMER: All right we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?
FULTON: Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh.
JERRY: I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton.
JERRY: Who couldn't.
KRAMER: (on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me.
FULTON: I haven't cracked a smile in months.
JERRY: Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit. FULTON: It's a fine time. JERRY: Oh, all right ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him....
DAPHNE: (interrupts and hurriedly puts down her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Al Netchie called me today. GEORGE: Ya, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say? DAPHNE: He told me not to get involved with you. GEORGE: What? DAPHNE: Ya, he said you could never make a commitment to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches out and lightly slaps George's hand) hurting me. GEORGE: He said that? (Daphne shacks her head) What a nerve. How dare he say something like that.
(Scene Ends) DAPHNE: Is it true? [Monk's] (George and Daphne sitting in a booth reading the paper)
GEORGE: Of course not. I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me.
GEORGE: (sets down his paper) So how were the eggs?
(Scene Ends)
DAPHNE: Eggs are eggs.
[Setting: ABC Studios]
GEORGE: (Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Daphne
(All My Children Set) SON: How long are you going to be away for Daddy? FATHER: I'm not really going away, I told you, I'll be back every other weekend.
DAPHNE: (correcting George) Daphne. SON: Don't go Daddy, don't go. GEORGE: Daphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult...
FATHER: Now Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much, but
sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug. DIRECTOR: (walks into the scene) ...and there's your scene. Stand-ins
KRAMER: How do those lifts feel? MICKEY: Quiet. TAMMY: Hi guys.
KRAMER: Yo MICKEY: Hey Tammy. STAGE HAND (Larry David's voice): All right you guys get on their spots so we can fix the lights.
TAMMY: Hey, you look different. Have you been working out?
(Mickey and Kramer walk onto the set and get into positions)
MICKEY: (looks at Kramer) Not that I know of.
KRAMER: (taps the Father on the shoulder) That's good work.
TAMMY: Well whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it you look great.
MICKEY: (quickly with no acting) How long you going to be away for Daddy?
MICKEY: How about lunch?
KRAMER: (trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend.
TAMMY: OH I can't today, but um I see it our future. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer. KRAMER: Ya. TAMMY: Bye Mickey
MICKEY: (tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy, don't...go. KRAMER: Now listen Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug. (Kramer and Mickey go to hug and Kramer's pipe hits Mickey in the face)
KRAMER: Ooo she likes you buddy (they to a high five hand shake) KRAMER & MICKEY: Ya! MICKEY: All of a sudden. KRAMER: What? JOHNNY: Hey Mick.
MICKEY: Ah! (pauses for the hug) all right (Kramer still holding on) all right! Kramer! (pushes Kramer off him) DIRECTOR: Ok everybody that's lunch... one hour.
MICKEY: How you doin' Johnny? JOHNNY: What gives...what's going on? Goin' out with Tammy? MICKEY: Maybe. What's it to you?
(The director pauses and looks at Mickey as if something is different)
JOHNNY: Somethin' different about you.
MICKEY: I got my hair cut that's all (turns to look at Kramer) JOHNNY: Nah, that's not it. Something else... Ya you look different. (Kramer starts eating a sandwich)
PHIL: Well, that's the most important thing. (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks at him still stone faced and not amused. To Jerry) How's he doing? JERRY: (wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs.
MICKEY: You don't, you got the same ugly mug since the day I met ya.
(Scene Ends)
JOHNNY: I don't know what it is, but I'll find out. (walking away) I'll find out.
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment] (Jerry and Elaine)
(Kramer and Mickey look at each other, Mickey makes a pointing motion as if to reference the conversation with Johnny, Kramer shakes his head no.)
ELAINE: You should have told that story about Pachyderm dropping the pizza. (Buzzer)
[Back to Jerry with Fulton]
JERRY: I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?
JERRY: ..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Pachyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really, really, funny.
GEORGE: (on the speaker) Ya
(Phil Enters)
ELAINE: If you were a woman would you go out with him?
JERRY: Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys. ELAINE: Do I know him? JERRY: No, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him.
PHIL: Hey Jerry. JERRY: Hey Phil how you doing? PHIL: You look terrific.
JERRY: If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in. ELAINE: (laughs) Ya, I bet you would. all right, give him my number.
JERRY: I got my health. JERRY: all right.
(George Enters)
GEORGE: I don't see any way around it.
GEORGE: This you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.'
JERRY: No, me either. GEORGE: What choice do I have? JERRY: None.
JERRY: What? (Scene Ends) GEORGE: Ya. That's what she told me. ELAINE: Why?
[Setting: ABC Studio Locker Room]
GEORGE: Because he's afraid she's gonna get hurt.
(Mickey walks in to discover his Locker is open and that his lifts where in there)
ELAINE: Is she?
(Scene Ends)
GEORGE: Of course. [Setting: Jerry's Apartment] ELAINE: So? (Jerry and Kramer) GEORGE: Wa.. He doesn't have to tell her. ELAINE: Maybe he likes her. GEORGE: Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me. JERRY: So what are you gonna do?
JERRY: Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse. KRAMER: Did you tell him the Pachyderm story? JERRY: (yelling) Yes I told him the Pachyderm story!
GEORGE: Well I can't break up with her now.
KRAMER: Maybe I outta go over there.
JERRY: Why?
JERRY: Towards what end?
GEORGE: Because he said I was going to.
KRAMER: I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery.
ELAINE: So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite? GEORGE: Yes, I am.
(Knocking on the Door) JERRY: Ya, I could see that.
(Jerry and Kramer walk over to it, Kramer opens it to reveal Mickey) KRAMER: Hey.
MICKEY: Oh, he's always been jealous of me. I always get to stand in for the bigger stars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.
JERRY: Hey Mick. KRAMER: (whistles) What's he like huh? MICKEY: (to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through my locker.
MICKEY: He's a good kid.
KRAMER: YAOH!
KRAMER: Ya?
MICKEY: (slamming the door) That little Bastard! He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never would have happened if you hadn't pushed me to get those things. I told you.
JERRY: So what does he care if you put lifts in?
KRAMER: Hey, nobody put a gun to your head. MICKEY: Ya well just keep out of my business you big ape. (pushes Kramer) KRAMER: Who you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey back)
MICKEY: You don't understand. There's an unwritten code about this kind of thing. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, Everything. Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind of thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses laying on the couch; jumps up) What is this kid taking anyway? Hormones? Steroids? Would you tell me!? (Scene Ends)
MICKEY: You (grabs Kramer) (Mickey and Kramer begin a struggle) JERRY: (starts pulling them apart) All right break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells) KRAMER: (pacing back and forth) Ya. JERRY; Behave yourselves. MICKEY: I'm sorry Kramer. KRAMER: No no it's all right, it's all right. You're stressed Oout! JERRY: (to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you?
[Setting: George's car outside Daphne's place] DAPHNE: George, tomorrow's Sunday. We could sleep late, and get the paper and half breakfast and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch... GEORGE: (interrupts her) You know what. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay over tonight. DAPHNE: Why not? GEORGE: I, I really should go home. Ya.. actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're
uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us.
PHIL: (dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my pants.
DAPHNE: I thought we were going to spend the day together.
ELAINE: (cont.) they go flying out of his hands, and one lands on her face and the other lands on his face. (pause as they both continue to laugh really hard) and the whole place went crazy.
GEORGE: Well Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the Velcro ball. (laughs) DAPHNE: Have you given any more thought to what we talked about? You know, moving in?
PHIL: Oh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story. ELAINE: I know, I know, I was unbelievable (laughter dying)
GEORGE: Yes, oh yes very much. DAPHNE: Maybe you don't want to move in. GEORGE: No, no I do. You know it's just... DAPHNE: (interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie was right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with you. GEORGE: (angry that she believes Al was right) No he's not right. Al Netchie is not right! all right I'm canceling the father-son picnic. I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad.
PHIL: Oh that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. ELAINE: (wipes her eyes because she laughed so hard she cried) I know. PHIL: Well this has been one hell of a night. ELAINE: Oh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner. PHIL: You know, you really are beautiful Elaine. ELAINE: Oh, well, (pauses) Good night.
(Scene Ends)
PHIL: Good night?
[Setting: Elaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment]
ELAINE: Well (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks down at his pants with a awkward look on her face)
ELAINE: (Phil cracking up) So then Pachyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot.. he can barely hold 'em. I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah. And then they go flying out of...
(Scene Ends) [Setting: Jerry's Apartment] (Jerry sitting on a stool on the phone)
JERRY: (on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week. It killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey.
JERRY: He took It, Out? ELAINE: Yessiree Bob. JERRY: He couldn't. ELAINE: He did. JERRY: (motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous...
ELAINE: Hello. ELAINE: Noooo. JERRY: So? JERRY: You mean he just ELAINE: What? ELAINE: Yes. JERRY: Come on. How was your date? JERRY: Are you sure? ELAINE: Oh, the date. The date. ELAINE: Oh quite. JERRY: Ya how was it? JERRY: There was no mistaking it? ELAINE: Interesting. ELAINE: (looks straight into his eyes) Jerry. JERRY: Really. ELAINE: Oh ya. JERRY: Why what happened?
JERRY: So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") then all of sudden...
ELAINE: Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put this.
ELAINE: Yea.
JERRY: Just put it.
JERRY: It.
ELAINE: He took it out.
ELAINE: It.
JERRY: (confused) He what?
JERRY: Out.
ELAINE: He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out.
ELAINE: Out.
JERRY: He took what out? ELAINE: It.
JERRY: Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
ELAINE: Oh it be. (sarcastically) You got any other friends you want to set me up with?
GEORGE: You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.
(Kramer enters)
JERRY: Well how long you are going to keep this up?
KRAMER: Hey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date with Phil Titola? ELAINE: (to Kramer) He took it out. (Shocked, Kramer acts like he just got a cold shiver down his back) KRAMER: Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's in human. (Scene Ends)
GEORGE: Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again. JERRY: You know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet. GEORGE: I'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick. JERRY: Yes I do.
[Setting: Monk's] GEORGE: What are you doing? (Jerry and George sitting at the booth nearest to the door) GEORGE: So she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden.
JERRY: I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material. (Scene Ends)
JERRY: It. [Setting: Fulton's Hospital Room] GEORGE: It. JERRY: Out.
(Phil and Jerry in the hall outside Fulton's Room)
GEORGE: Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) all right, Hey come on, get out of here, Daphne gonna be here any minute.
PHIL: Ah hey Jer.
JERRY: All right I'm going.
JERRY: Well, y..you showed her who you are.
JERRY: Oh hey Phil. PHIL: You know I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong.
(Phil turns to see a woman breast feeding her baby down the hallway)
KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match. KRAMER: Rock.
PHIL: Oh, look at this, what she's got to breast feed in public.
MICKEY: Rock
JERRY: Ya, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last.
KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.
PHIL: I'll see ya.
KRAMER: Rock.
JERRY: Ya take it easy.
MICKEY: Rock.
(Phil leaves)
(Bob walks by)
(Jerry enters Fulton's Room)
MICKEY: Hey Bob. What's with you? You gotta problem? (to Kramer) You see that look he gave me? (starts to get up to go after him)
JERRY: (acting like he was walking on stage) Hey how ya doing? Good to be here. (Scene Ends)
KRAMER: (stops Mickey) all right, come on.
[Setting: ABC Studios set]
KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.
KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.
KRAMER: Rock.
MICKEY: all right, rock beats paper.
MICKEY: Rock.
(Mickey smacks Kramer on the hand for losing)
(Tammy walks up) MICKEY: Hey Tammy.
KRAMER: I thought paper covered rock? TAMMY: Hello. MICKEY: Nah, rock flies right through paper.
MICKEY: So Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch.
KRAMER: What beats rock? TAMMY: I don't think so. MICKEY: (looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock. KRAMER: all right come on.
MICKEY: Why not? What the hell are you talking about?
TAMMY: Look Mickey, everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set. [Setting: Back in Fulton's Hospital Room] MICKEY: Wait, wait (goes to grab her arm) (Jerry is doing material) TAMMY: (recoils) Don't touch me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress we made over the years and you go and blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like this.
JERRY: This guy's belching out vitamins.. FULTON: (dying of laughter and coughing) Stop.
MICKEY: Wait a second, wait a second, you got me all wrong. It was all because of the kid. (numerous little people begin to crowd around them) (to Tammy) The kid was growing. He shot up two and a half inches in a month. (to all the little people) I woulda' lost my job. Any one of you would have done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing. (seeing the crowd still doesn't agree with what he did, he points at Kramer) It's all his fault. (Kramer acts like he doesn't know what Mickey is talking about) It was his idea.
JERRY: (cont.) and this whole justice league, Bthe raincoatsan, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything?
TAMMY: Come on Johnny, let's go get something to eat.
[Setting: Back at Monk's]
(all the little people leave including Tammy along with Johnny) MICKEY: (in complete disgust as seeing Tammy leave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks at Kramer) AH!
FULTON: (still laughing and coughing) Stop. JERRY: For crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton? (Scene Ends)
(George and Daphne at the booth nearest to the door) DAPHNE: George, first let me just say I've never been with a guy who was so committed to commit. I mean it's so rare in men these days an, that's what makes this all the more difficult.
KRAMER: What? GEORGE: (happily) Difficult? (Mickey runs and tackles Kramer) MICKEY: AH! KRAMER: Mickey! (Scene Ends)
DAPHNE: The other day, after work, some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks and there was this crazy mishap and I wound up meeting someone as a result. George...
GEORGE: (acting disappointed) Oh, please don't. DAPHNE: Uh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst of it is it's someone you know. Jerry Persheck. GEORGE: Pachyderm? DAPHNE: Heh, he was carrying these two pieces of pizza... The End Posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
The Wife Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Dec. 10, 2002. Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks
Scott LaRose (Greg) Joseph Ragno (Marty) Liz Sheridan (Helen) Barney Martin (Morty) Rebecca Glenn (Paula) Len Lesser (Uncle Leo) Lili Bernard (Anna) Nick LaTour (Grandpa) Susan Segal (Waitress) Lawrence A. Mandley (Coffee shop owner) Jerry's stand-up: Of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do...you oughta go shopping with him. 'What do you think of this shirt?' 'That would look good with a light starch.' The only warning label people really respect is 'dry-clean only.' Y'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, 'Ah, the hell with it!' But dry-clean only? 'Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?!' Opening scene - Jerry and his girlfriend Meryl at Jerry's apartment. Meryl comes out of Jerry's bedroom. MERYL: Good morning. JERRY: Good morning. MERYL: How'd you sleep?
SEINFELD Episode no. 81 "The Wife" (original air date 17 March 1994)
JERRY: Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over my side.
Directed by Tom Cherones. Written by Peter Mehlman.
MERYL: I was not!
Guest stars: Courtney Cox (Meryl)
JERRY: C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed!
MERYL: By the way, you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.'
JERRY: But we can't both get pancakes, it's embarrassing. It's like one step from the couples who dress alike.
JERRY: No, no, 12-8! MERYL: I'll get the short stack. MERYL: No, it's 15-8. JERRY: I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying to stay competitive. MERYL: Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast. JERRY: Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll try a sport jacket and scarf thing, you know, like an unemployed actor. <Goes into his room, and comes back out with the jacket on.> Haven't worn this one in a long time. MERYL (feels Jerry's material): Ooh, cashmere? JERRY: No, gore-tex. It's new. <Checks his pockets.> Hey, look at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look at that. MERYL: Wow, this is really old. You don't know whose it is? JERRY: No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner. Maybe we should ask him. MERYL: Alright, we'll stop over there.
JERRY: Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. <They go out into the hallway and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.> Hey, how ya doin.' KRAMER: We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite. JERRY: Hey, is that my maple syrup? <Kramer hands it over.> MERYL: You bring your own syrup? KRAMER: Got to. JERRY (to Meryl): You got a lot to learn about pancakes. New scene - Jerry and Meryl at Marty the dry-cleaner's. MARTY (looking at the locket): This is my wife. She died eight years ago. I been looking all over for this! JERRY: Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket on. But how did it get in the pocket?
JERRY: Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?
MARTY: Well, see here, the chain is broken...it must have slipped in when I was, uh...<gestures at the racks of clothes behind him.>
MERYL: Pancakes.
JERRY: Oh, wow.
JERRY: Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting pancakes.
MARTY: I turned my house upside-down looking for this! It's all I have left of her.
MERYL: I don't know that!
MERYL: Oh, that's so touching.
MARTY (to Jerry): Know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna give you and your family 25% off all your dry-cleaning from now on. JERRY: Oh, come on!
ELAINE: Oh, hi Greg. GREG: Haven't seen you in a while. ELAINE: Yeah. Well, today was the first day I worked out since the Central Park Mini-Marathon.
MARTY: What are you talkin' about? GREG: You ran the Mini-Marathon? JERRY: It's silly! MARTY: Hey, forget it!
ELAINE: No, but I exercised that day. <Laughs.>
JERRY: Get outta here!
GREG: Well, I gotta take off.
MARTY: It's done!
ELAINE: Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can say that and mean it. <Laughs again. Greg looks at her, unamused.> Um, do you have the time?
JERRY (giving in): Alright. MERYL: Well, I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.
GREG (looks at his watch): Eleven-thirty. MARTY (to Jerry): I didn't know you were married. JERRY: Oh...yeah...you've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.
ELAINE (surprised): Eleven-thirty? GREG: Wait, ten-thirty. Sorry. ELAINE: Oh.
MARTY (to Meryl): Sure, you get the discount, too. JERRY: You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...
GREG: Do you have to be somewhere? ELAINE: No. GREG: Then what are you doing?
MERYL: I'm taking him to the cleaners! JERRY: Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...<hugs Meryl.> I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run! New scene - Elaine on the street outside the New York Health Club. Greg comes out of the club.
ELAINE: I'm just waiting for my friend George, we worked out together. GREG: Oh. Well, it was good seeing you. ELAINE: Yeah, nice to see you, too. <Greg plants an open-lipped kiss on Elaine and walks away. She looks after him with a puzzled expression.>
OWNER: Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, jams or condiments in the restaurant. (To Jerry) And if I catch you in here with that again...I will confiscate it. New scene - Jerry and Meryl having breakfast at the coffee shop.
JERRY: Well, I told my wife not to bring it.
MERYL: Uh, would you, um...can I... JERRY: Pardon? MERYL: The syrup. Would you pass the syrup? JERRY (holds up the syrup bottle): Oh, you want to try the syrup! <Meryl smiles and takes it. The waitress comes over.>
New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment. KRAMER: Really? 25% off? Do I get that, too? JERRY: No, just Meryl.
WAITRESS: Can I get you anything else?
KRAMER: Why, why? Why does she get it?
JERRY: Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll have a little more coffee.
JERRY: Because she's my wife! <The door buzzer sounds, and Jerry lets Elaine into the building - Jerry: Yeh? Elaine: Meh. Jerry: Eh.> And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying "my wife." Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - "my wife" this, "my wife" that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
WAITRESS: Okay. MERYL: And a check for my husband. JERRY (toasts with his orange juice): To my beautiful wife. MERYL: To my adoring husband. JERRY: Adoring? What about handsome?
KRAMER: "My wife has an inner ear infection."
MERYL: I like adoring.
JERRY: See?
JERRY: Sure, adoring's good for you, what does it do for me? <Meryl laughs. The owner of the coffee shop comes over.>
KRAMER: I like that! Hey look, will you do me a favor? Will you take my quilt into the cleaners for me, so I can get the discount too?
OWNER (points at the bottle of maple syrup): Excuse me...where did you get that? JERRY: I, uh...well...
JERRY: Oh come on, we're gonna start doing this now? I can't be taking all your dry-cleaning in!
KRAMER: C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive! JERRY: Alright. <Elaine enters.> KRAMER: Hey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?
ELAINE: Yeah. Listen, I think he's giving me a big signal...maybe he wants to change our relationship. <The buzzer sounds, Elaine answers it.> Yeah? GEORGE (on intercom): Oh, uh...it's George. ELAINE: Hey, what happened to you?
ELAINE: Let's make it fifty. KRAMER: We're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get my quilt. <Kramer leaves.> ELAINE: Alright, listen to this. Remember that guy I was telling you about at the health club? JERRY: The fly-boy. ELAINE: Yeah. JERRY: Hey, where's George? I thought he was with you. ELAINE: I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway, this guy gave me an open-lip kiss.
GEORGE (meekly): Nothing...little problem. ELAINE: Well, what was it? I mean, I was waiting. GEORGE: Can I come upstairs, please? <Elaine pushes the button and lets George in.> ELAINE (to Jerry): I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out. JERRY: I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk. ELAINE: Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me.
JERRY: So? JERRY: Yeah, so? ELAINE: So? We've always just kind've pecked. This one had a totally different dynamic. JERRY: Really.
ELAINE: I respect that. <George enters.> Mmm, what happened? GEORGE: Nothing, I... said it was a little problem.
ELAINE: Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed well below my rim.
ELAINE: Yeah? What was it?
JERRY: Moisture?
GEORGE (defensive): Well...I was in the locker room showering, and I...I had to go, so...
ELAINE: Yeah. Definite moisture. JERRY: Here we go. JERRY: That's an open-lip kiss, alright.
GEORGE: Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He gave me a dirty look. ELAINE: You went...in the shower? GEORGE: Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one! <Kramer enters with his quilt.> ELAINE (to Jerry): Do you go in the shower?
JERRY: What are you doing here? MERYL: I just thought I'd drop off a few things. JERRY: Oh. <Smiles at Marty nervously.> Well, I must have been in the incinerator room when you left. Here you go, Marty. <Hands over Kramer's quilt.>
JERRY: No, never.
MARTY: Another quilt? Huh? <Uncle Leo enters.>
ELAINE (to Kramer): Do you?
UNCLE LEO: Jerry!
KRAMER: I take baths.
JERRY: Uncle Leo!
GEORGE: Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? Go all the way down to the other end? Come all the way back?
UNCLE LEO: Hello!
ELAINE: Ever hear of...holding it in? GEORGE: Oh, no...no, that's very bad for the kidneys. ELAINE: How do you know?
JERRY: Hello. MARTY (to Jerry): So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready. UNCLE LEO: Your wife? JERRY (hoping Leo will pick up on the scam): Yeah...my wife.
GEORGE: Medical journals! UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about? JERRY: Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?
JERRY: Uh...I got married. UNCLE LEO (shocked): You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation?
New scene - Jerry dropping off Kramer's quilt at the dry-cleaners. Meryl is already there dropping off some stuff of her own. JERRY: Hello. MERYL: Oh, hi...honey.
JERRY: Well, it was sudden. UNCLE LEO: Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you? JERRY: No, no, it was a small ceremony.
UNCLE LEO: Haven't I always been a good uncle?
GREG: Hey, you know what's weird? I think I had a dream about you last night.
JERRY: Yes, yes, you have. UNCLE LEO: Who told you when you went to school that you print well?
ELAINE: <Thinks - Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's it, I'm asking this guy out.> Um, you know Greg, I...
JERRY: You did, you did. GREG: Can I have a sip of your water? UNCLE LEO (to Meryl): When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print. JERRY: I'm a good printer. UNCLE LEO: I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! <Rushes out.> Hello! Wait! <Jerry tries to catch Leo before he runs off to tell him about his "pretend marriage," but doesn't make it.>
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, sure. <Hands Greg her bottle.> GREG: Thanks. <Is about to take a drink, but wipes the neck of the bottle with his shirt first.> ELAINE (shocked expression): <Thinks Oh my God.> GREG (hands the bottle back): I'm sorry, what were you saying? ELAINE: It was nothing, forget it. <George enters the gym.>
New scene - Elaine talking with Greg while he's on a Stairmaster at the health club. GREG: I'm glad you're here. This can get really boring. Do you know where I can get some good olives?
GREG: See that guy right there? I caught him urinating in the shower. I'm thinking about turning him in, too. <On the other side of the room, George falls off an exercise machine and gets his foot caught in it.>
ELAINE: I can find out. GREG: Would ya? ELAINE: Sure. <Thinks - Ooh, a project. That's a definite signal!>
New scene - Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. Meryl is lounging on the couch, watching TV and eating chocolates.
GREG: By the way, you look really great in that leotard.
MERYL: Honey? Could you get me something to drink?
ELAINE: Oh, thanks. <Thinks - That's no signal, who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.>
JERRY (from his bedroom hallway, alluding to the fact that she should get the drink herself): You're right there.
MORTY: Why the hell didn't you tell us? MERYL: C'mon, I'm sitting! <Jerry walks to the kitchen, annoyed. Meryl laughs at the TV show she's watching.> JERRY (looking in a drawer): Honey, what'd you do with the can opener?
JERRY: Listen, Ma... MERYL (looking in the drawer): It was in here yesterday! JERRY (angrily): Yeah, that's what I said!
MERYL: I didn't do anything with it. JERRY: Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday. MERYL: It's in the first drawer. JERRY: I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here.
HELEN: Who is she? When did this happen? MORTY (to Jerry): I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it. HELEN: Morty, you're talking too loud. MORTY: I'm not talking loud!
MERYL: Yes, it is. HELEN: You're hurting my eardrum. JERRY (irritated): Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer, there's no can opener.
MERYL (looking for the can opener): Well, you must have done something with it!
MERYL: Did I say you were stupid?
JERRY (to Meryl): I'm on the phone!
JERRY (angrily): Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer, I'm looking in the drawer, there's no can opener - what other conclusion could one reach? <The phone rings.>
HELEN: Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name? JERRY: Mom, I'm not married. HELEN: What?
MERYL (getting up): Do you want me to go find it? JERRY (slams the drawer): Yes. I do. You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer. <Answers the phone.> Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just fighting with my wife. <Cut to Morty and Helen in Florida, each with phone in hand.>
JERRY: I'm not married! MORTY: I knew it, I told ya! HELEN (to Jerry): Uncle Leo said. JERRY: I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning. HELEN: A discount on dry-cleaning?
HELEN: Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
JERRY (to Meryl, who's making a racket in the kitchen looking for the can opener):
Could you make a little more noise? <To his parents> Listen, I'm gonna have to call you later.
JERRY: Goodnight. <They kiss goodnight, then promptly roll away from each other and go to sleep.>
MERYL (not finding the opener): Well, I give up. JERRY: Well, whoopie whoop. <Meryl goes into the other room. Kramer staggers in the door in his bathrobe.> KRAMER: Got any coffee?
Commercial break. New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day.
JERRY: Yeah. <Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.> I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, why are you so tired?
GEORGE: They could kick me out of the health club if he tells them!
KRAMER: My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat - it's too hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. <Frantic> I can't get into a zone!
GEORGE: Talk to him!
JERRY: What is that? <Points to Kramer's pocket as Meryl comes back.>
ELAINE (enunciating clearly so George gets the point): Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water!
KRAMER: Oh, I forgot. <Hands back Jerry's can opener.>
New scene - Jerry and Meryl in bed later that night. JERRY: Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff.
ELAINE: So what do you want me to do?
ELAINE: How can I do that? GEORGE: You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss!
GEORGE: Well, that doesn't mean anything! ELAINE: Are you kidding? That's very significant! If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs! He'd just crave my germs! JERRY (patiently): She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big.
MERYL: Yeah, me too. Love you.
GEORGE: Well, what about the open-lipped kiss?
JERRY: Love you.
JERRY: Bottle-wipe supercedes it.
MERYL: Well, goodnight.
GEORGE: Yeah, you're right, you're right. <To Elaine> Alright, maybe he's not
interested, but you still know him - can't you just ask him? ELAINE: George...but if I ask him now, I will have no chance of going out with him. GEORGE: Why?
JERRY: Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the last time I'm doin' it! KRAMER: I'm so tired! ELAINE (to Kramer): Boy, you don't look good.
ELAINE: I...I don't know... KRAMER: Huh? I don't? GEORGE: Aha. Aha. Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?! ELAINE: No, that's not it! GEORGE: Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is! ELAINE: Why couldn't you just wait?
ELAINE: No, you look pale. KRAMER: Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's parents today! <The phone rings.> JERRY: Hello? Oh, hi honey. <annoyed, weary> Yes, I told him. I'll get it. <George and Elaine give each other a look, then leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the phone.> Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry...
GEORGE: I was there! I saw a drain! ELAINE: Since when is a drain a toilet?! GEORGE: It's all pipes! What's the difference?! ELAINE: Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up! GEORGE: I'll call a plumber right now! <Goes for the phone.>
New scene - Jerry at the dry-cleaners. Kramer paces outside impatiently, waiting for his quilt. MARTY: I'm sorry, it's not ready yet. <Kramer bursts in.>
JERRY: Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe stuff here?
KRAMER: Not ready? It has to be ready! What kind of a business are you running here?
ELAINE (to George): Okay! Okay! I will talk to him. <Kramer enters.>
MARTY: Who the hell are you? It's not your quilt.
KRAMER: Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.
JERRY: He's a very good friend of mine, he's kind've like an older brother to me...when things don't go right, he kinda takes it personally.
JERRY: Alright. KRAMER: Well, you gotta pick it up for me!
MARTY: Well, uh...maybe tomorrow.
KRAMER (angrily, to Jerry): Maybe. JERRY: Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay. KRAMER: Alright, I'm gonna see you later.
GREG: Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second. <Another guy approaches the exercise machine.>
JERRY: Where you goin'?
ELAINE: I got the machine next, buddy. <Greg finishes up his workout and gets off the machine.>
KRAMER: I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember? I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning machines.
GREG (to Elaine): It's all yours. <Walks away. Elaine looks at the machine, then George runs over.>
JERRY: I can't believe you still do that. You know those things are bad for ya.
GEORGE: What happened? Did he bring it up?
KRAMER: Hey, that's how I maintain my glow.
ELAINE: Never mind that, look at the signal I just got.
JERRY: I'm goin' home. <Kramer exits. An attractive woman enters the dry-cleaners with a bundle of clothes in her hands. Jerry notices her and waits by the door.>
GEORGE: Signal? What signal?
PAULA (to Marty, in a foreign accent): Excuse me? Uh, how much would it cost to clean this?
ELAINE: Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy. GEORGE: I'll tell you what that is - that's a violation of club rules. Now I got him! And you're my witness!
MARTY: Oh, about thirteen dollars. PAULA: Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that. MARTY: Well, I'm sorry. <Paula turns around to leave and runs into Jerry. They smile at each other.>
New scene - Elaine and Greg at the health club. A sweaty Greg is exercising on a leg machine.> ELAINE: Hi, Greg.
ELAINE: Listen, George! Listen! He knew what he was doing, this was a signal. GEORGE: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal? ELAINE: Yeah! It's a social thing. GEORGE: What if he left you a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine? Now you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him! ELAINE: No! I won't be a party to this. GEORGE: So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination?
ELAINE: Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting me in a very difficult position. <Walks away.>
New scene - Kramer in a tanning booth at the health club. He lies down on the tanning bed and bonks his head. Cut back to Elaine and Greg in the weight room. ELAINE: You're really working up quite a sweat today, huh?
New scene - Jerry and Paula in a booth at the coffee shop. Jerry is trying to get the bundle of clothes from her so he can pay for the dry-cleaning.
GREG: Yeah. <Spies the shapely manager of the health club.> Oh, there's the manager. Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her about that guy, you know, we cannot have people like that in here.
PAULA: I won't let you do this!
ELAINE: Are you sure you want to do that?
JERRY: I want to!
GREG: Yeah. He's disgusting! Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her.
PAULA: But it isn't right! I can't. JERRY: Give me the clothes.
ELAINE: You're interested in...in her? <Points at the manager.>
PAULA: Jerry, please. What about her?
GREG: Very.
JERRY: Oh, the hell with her. <Paula dramatically flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks for a second, then follows her and catches up to her on the street.>
ELAINE: Ah. You know, uh...I'm engaged. <preens> Yep, gettin' married in fifty years. <Snaps the straps of her leotard against her chest and winces. George walks by the manager.>
PAULA: No, Jerry, please! JERRY: I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life. PAULA (hands over the clothes): I can't fight you. <They embrace and kiss passionately.> JERRY: Do you want box or hanger? PAULA: You decide. <Jerry considers.>
GREG: Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able to point him out. ELAINE: You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you. GREG: Why? ELAINE: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it? GREG: Oh, I see...you're friends with the urinator, aren't you? ELAINE: Yeah, well, at least he had a drain.
New scene - Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment.
<Cut back to Kramer lying on the health club tanning bed - fast asleep and snoring.>
New scene - Meryl picking up her clothes at the dry-cleaners.
MERYL (throws Paula's clothes at Jerry): You son of a bitch! JERRY: I'm sorry. MERYL: Who is she? I want to know who she is. JERRY: It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.
MARTY: Here you go, Mrs. Seinfeld...with your 25% discount, it comes to $17.80.
MERYL: A divorce? Oh, so you can marry her and give her the discount?
MERYL: Here you go. <Pays Marty, then looks at the clothes on the hanger.> Excuse me, this isn't mine.
JERRY: Yes, that's right.
MARTY: Oh, yes it is. Your husband brought it in himself.
JERRY: I'll tell you what happened. We got married.
MERYL: Really? <Takes her change and grabs the clothes off the hanger.> Thank you. <Exits.>
MERYL: I'm sorry, this is my fault. I pushed it on you.
MERYL: What happened to us, Jerry?
JERRY: No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.
New scene - Anna with her family and friends at her apartment. There's a knock at the door. ANNA: That's him! <Opens the door. Kramer stands there, deeply tanned and smiling. Anna and her grandfather are shocked.>
MERYL: Goodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...<reaches in her purse>...this is your maple syrup. JERRY: It's alright, I want you to have it. MERYL: Okay, thanks. JERRY: We'll always have...pancakes. MERYL: Bye, Jerry. <Exits.>
Commercial break.
Cut back to Kramer at Anna's door.
GRANDPA (to Anna): I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!
Part 1 Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross and Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld Part 1 Written by Larry Charles Both Directed by Tom Cherones
<Kramer stands there, grinning foolishly.> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------End of episode.
The Cast
Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Dec. 10, 2002.
Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com
The Raincoats (1) Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by 13erla Corrections by The News Guy(Mike) Originally posted on 13erla's site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as three lines above are included - Thanks) Episode 82&83 - The Raincoats pc: 519&520, season 5, episode 18&19 Broadcast date: April 28 1994 NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode.
Guest Stars: Michael G. Hagerty ........... Rudy Dorien Wilson ..................... Alec Annie Korzen ..................... Doris Klompus Stephen Pearlman .............. Mr. Goldstein Judge Reinhold .................. Aaron Lisa Pescia .......................... Joanne Jason Manary ................... Joey LaRita Shelby ................... Tour Leader Melanie Smith .................... Rachel rc: Jerry Stiller .................... Frank Costanza rc: Estelle Harris ................ Estelle Costanza rc: Barney Martin .............. Morty Seinfeld rc: Liz Sheridan ................. Helen Seinfeld rc: Sandy Baron ................ Jack Klompus =============================== =============================== ==== [Opening Monologue] I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drivethrough and Hand shakes is the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines for hand
shakes you know these people? Too long, too weak, sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers, early release, late release, sometimes people will dispute your release, you let go there're hangin' on. I have actually said to people 'Hey the handshake is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, coming from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say 'That's three strikes you're out.' [Monk's] (George and Jerry at the usual booth) JERRY: You know their timing couldn't be worse. GEORGE: Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?
GEORGE: Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship? JERRY: The baldies GEORGE: Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town. JERRY: That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present. (Alec and Joey enter) ALEC: (walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys. GEORGE: Hey Alec
JERRY: You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up.
JERRY: Hey Alec ALEC: This is Joey. GEORGE: Hey Joey, how you doin'?
GEORGE: When are they leaving for Paris? JERRY: Not for another three days. GEORGE: What about her place?
ALEC: (Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George?
JERRY: She lives with her parents. GEORGE: Well uh.... GEORGE: Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents. JERRY: (sarcastically)Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
JOEY: (interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please? GEORGE: Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled. ALEC: That's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you.
JOEY: Wouldn't you like to be a big brother..
GEORGE: Your parents are going to Paris right? JERRY: Yea?
ALEC: (grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya. JERRY: What happened? GEORGE: What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid?
GEORGE: So I tell Alec that I have to goto Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris. JERRY: What about little Joey? GEORGE: Who?
JERRY: (acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?
JERRY: Ah, I think he's probably better off.
[Jerry's Apartment] [Street] (Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.) JERRY: Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now? GEORGE: Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.
(Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George are standing by them) GEORGE: I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox. MORTY: But there are no stamps on these.
JERRY: Ya, it's much better isn't it?
GEORGE: Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.
GEORGE: Oh, n-no comparison.
HELEN: Why are you doing this?
JERRY: Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.
JERRY: He wants this guy to think he's in Paris. HELEN: Why?
GEORGE: (stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
JERRY: Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.
JERRY: What? (Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion? HELEN: I told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion) KRAMER: (putting on the lotion) Ya HELEN: It's from the Sachs Fifth Avenue in Miami. KRAMER: Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.
KRAMER: (takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later. (Kramer goes to turn the door nob and falls straight to the floor slipping off the nob, then continues to try to open the door with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip and then smiles and exits) GEORGE: (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?
JERRY: Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there.
(Morty and Helen look at each other)
KRAMER: Ya
GEORGE: Yea they're making Payaya.
MORTY: Say those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home.
HELEN: (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.
KRAMER: Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle.
HELEN: Tonight?
JERRY: (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans? HELEN: (turns to Jerry) We have plans.
GEORGE: Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something?
JERRY: Where'd you get plans?
KRAMER: Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow.
GEORGE: Well um, what about tomorrow night?
GEORGE: What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then?
HELEN: (turns back toward George) Maybe
KRAMER: Well I suppose the children do.
MORTY: (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though.
GEORGE: (pondering) Yes I suppose they do.
HELEN: (annoyed) We have plans.
GEORGE: Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.
GEORGE: (quietly) Ya.
ELAINE: It's us. JERRY: (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later. GEORGE: Ya. (George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed)
JERRY: U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you? HELEN: We adore Elaine. JERRY: She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend.
JERRY: So what plans do you have? HELEN: What's he like? MORTY: None JERRY: He's nice, bit of a close talker. JERRY: So how come you're not going over there for dinner?
HELEN: A what?
HELEN: Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.
JERRY: You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas'
MORTY: We can't stand them.
HELEN: They're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum.
JERRY: Really? Since when? (Elaine and Aaron enter) HELEN: Since always. We've never liked them.
EVERYONE: Hi.
JERRY: Why?
MORTY: Hello Elaine
HELEN: Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice?
(Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug)
JERRY: No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
HELEN: Hello Aaron
MORTY: Well we do.
AARON: (getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town?
ELAINE: This is Aaron.
MORTY: Hello.
(Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it) JERRY: Ya? (Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom)
HELEN: Oh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris. AARON: Ah
MORTY: We're going with a select charter group. AARON: I love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya.
(Helen goes to get her coat) AARON: (walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say? ELAINE: W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans.
HELEN: We can't take money. AARON: Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us.
AARON: Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry? JERRY: I'm swamped.
ELAINE: Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time? JERRY: No I haven't. AARON: You know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour? HELEN: (grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that?
AARON: You sure? You could examine the art work up close. JERRY: Maybe I'll try and catch up with you. ELAINE: (under her breath) Ya that'll happen) AARON: (Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off. (Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door)
AARON: (up in Helen's face) Easily MORTY: Ok, bye. HELEN: I wouldn't be any trouble? HELEN & AARON: Bye. AARON: (gets closer) Of course not. JERRY: Ok buh bye. Have a good time. HELEN: When would we go? ELAINE: Bye. AARON: How about right now? MORTY: I'm ready
AARON: See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss)
HELEN: Are you sure? JERRY: Ok. AARON: Yes. HELEN: Ok, let me get my coat.
ELAINE: Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum?
JERRY: I don't know.
GEORGE: No, they had plans.
ELAINE: What is that?
ESTELLE: How could they have plans?
JERRY: Maybe he was just trying to be nice.
GEORGE: That's what I wanna know.
ELAINE: Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this?
FRANK: Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends.
JERRY: Wait a second, he just did me a big favor.
ESTELLE: What am I supposed to do with all this Paella?
(Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone)
GEORGE: They said tomorrow, maybe. FRANK: Maybe?
ELAINE: What? ESTELLE: Maybe they don't like us. JERRY: (dialing) He got em out of the house. ELAINE: What?
FRANK: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?
JERRY: Call Rachel. ESTELLE: Ah keep quiet. ELAINE: Oh. JERRY: (on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed)
FRANK: What are you trying to set my mouth on fire? GEORGE: I don't know what the reason could be.
ELAINE: (putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out. (Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust)
[Jerry's Apartment] (Morty, Helen and Aaron enter) JERRY: (disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.
[Costanza House]
AARON: Ah Jerry you would not believe the time we had.
FRANK: They're not coming?
HELEN: Aaron is quite the tour guide.
MORTY: Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings?
KRAMER: Yeah. AARON: (leaving) Bye
JERRY: Oh sure like Monet. JERRY: Bye MORTY: Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.
KRAMER: So uh what are you guys doing for dinner? HELEN: We have no plans.
JERRY: Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday. MORTY: I say the guy was painting without his glasses. (phone rings) JERRY: (answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back. HELEN: Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read. JERRY: Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up)
MORTY: (noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive. KRAMER: Now what is Executive? JERRY: The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it. MORTY: I sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years. HELEN: Why would they? Nobody bought them then. MORTY: He's wearing one.
AARON: Well I should be going. HELEN: Oh thanks again. AARON & HELEN: Buh bye. (Kramer enters) AARON: Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you.
KRAMER: Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's. MORTY: You don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida? KRAMER: Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything. MORTY: You gotta deal.
KRAMER: You must be Aaron, I've heard about you.
(Kramer and Morty shake hands)
AARON: (Laughing) Well see you later.
KRAMER: Yaaaa.
JERRY: This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.
you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry.
MORTY: I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery.
ALEC: George, you have no idea how fantastic this is. GEORGE: Fantastic?
HELEN: You're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days. MORTY: He'll send them express. HELEN: You're crazy. MORTY: I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats.
ALEC: Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution. GEORGE: How gee what a coincidence. ALEC: And you'll send me a postcard.
JERRY: N-na I'm paying for the trip. MORTY: So much the better. [Elaine's Apartment] (Elaine and Aaron lying in bed) [Monk's] (George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door) GEORGE: Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there. ALEC: Paris huh? GEORGE: Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for. ALEC: Where will you stay? GEORGE: An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh
AARON: Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children. ELAINE: Mm hmm. AARON: And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him ELAINE: Aaron AARON: Yes? ELAINE: Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you?
AARON: Well, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it. ELAINE: Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age?
MORTY: I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now. JERRY: Ah come on. MORTY: Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone)
AARON: No, it was fun. ELAINE: You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.
HELEN: Jerry have you seen Schindler's List? JERRY: No I haven't seen it yet.
AARON: Yea, they bought me a coke. HELEN: Oh you have to go you have to JERRY: I'm going [Jerry's Apartment] (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep) KRAMER: So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat? MORTY: I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. KRAMER: How serendipitous. MORTY: So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born. KRAMER: Mmm JERRY: He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play. KRAMER: Did you call Jack Klompus yet?
HELEN: You have to JERRY: Ok MORTY: (on the phone) Hello Jack. (Jack in Florida) JACK: Ya MORTY: It's Morty JACK: Who died? MORTY: Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes. JACK: What boxes? MORTY: I'm gonna explain what boxes. JACK: Alright how the hell do I know? MORTY: Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me.
JACK: I thought you're going to Paris
GEORGE: Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.
MORTY: I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here.
ESTELLE: Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night?
JACK: What's in the boxes?
GEORGE: I-I wasn't in the attic.
MORTY: Raincoats.
ESTELLE: I heard noise.
JACK: Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage.
GEORGE: Maybe it was a mouse. FRANK: (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving!
HELEN: I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes.
GEORGE: What?
JACK: When do you want these?
FRANK: I will not tolerate infestation.
MORTY: Send them tomorrow.
GEORGE: You haven't even seen one. FRANK: Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.
[Costanza House) (George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in)
ESTELLE: All right Frank that's enough. (Frank sits back down)
ESTELLE: You think they're coming tonight? [Rudy's Antique Boutique] GEORGE: I dunno they said maybe. (Rudy is checking out the clothes) FRANK: Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us. ESTELLE: Well they better come, I got all this Paella.
GEORGE: I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing) RUDY: Uh huh.
FRANK: I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.
GEORGE: They will get a good home won't they?
RUDY: Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular. GEORGE: Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a Casanova really. RUDY: I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes. GEORGE: Could you make it two-twentyfive that was his hi-game in bowling. RUDY: Yea I'm in a good mood here.
KRAMER: Yea, last night. GEORGE: Was this something you had planned for a while? KRAMER: No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants. GEORGE: (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans! KRAMER: Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy)
GEORGE: Thank you. (Kramer enters) KRAMER: Hey, George what are you doing here? GEORGE: Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted.
RUDY: Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars. KRAMER: Oh I'll take these. RUDY: All right KRAMER: Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me?
KRAMER: Oh, I gotcha (clicks) RUDY: Sure that's the Executive. GEORGE: (leaving) That'll do. KRAMER: Ya, you have any others? KRAMER: Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats. GEORGE: Hey that's swell. KRAMER: Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night. GEORGE: Dinner? (grabs Kramer)
RUDY: I wish. They don't make 'em anymore. KRAMER: Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested? RUDY: Very interested KRAMER: Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak.
KRAMER: Ya. RUDY: Well bring 'em in. GEORGE: You had dinner with the Seinfelds?
KRAMER: So you'll buy them?
RUDY: I don't see what would possibly stop me.
JERRY: These the people you currently live with? GEORGE: Yes.
(Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths as the scene ends)
JERRY: Uh huh GEORGE: So are they coming tonight or not?
[Jerry's Apartment] (George enters) GEORGE: Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!
JERRY: Look I really don't know what they're plans are. GEORGE: Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella. JERRY: What is that anyway?
JERRY: What are you talking about? GEORGE: Mom and Pop Seinfeld
GEORGE: It's a Spanish dish. It's a mlange of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.
JERRY: Look I don't know.
JERRY: I-I'll tell 'em
GEORGE: All right I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.
GEORGE: Hey could you do one other thing for me? JERRY: Name it.
JERRY: Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing. GEORGE: So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents? JERRY: That's right. GEORGE: Is there something wrong with my parents? JERRY: Absolutely GEORGE: Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.
GEORGE: You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps) JERRY: So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?
GEORGE: (pause) All right if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards.
AARON: I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen. ELAINE: Oh, Great.
[Elaine's Office]
MORTY: (looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage?
(Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door)
HELEN: You don't mind to you Elaine?
JOANNE: So where's he taking you?
ELAINE: Mind? Oh o-of course not.
ELAINE: Well first we're going to a matinee, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places.
AARON: We can make a whole day of it.
JOANNE: You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron. AARON: (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey ELAINE: (already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi (Elaine and Aaron kiss) (Enter Helen) HELEN: Hello, Hello. (Enter Morty) MORTY: Hello Elaine (Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock)
MORTY: This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli? ELAINE: (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld
[Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair Lady" over them. First the matine where we see (from left to right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see (from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks the top of the cab in disgust] (song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a
thousand things, I've never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but all at once my heart would fly"
HELEN & MORTY: Hello Rachel. HELEN: Uh we'll come back another time. JERRY: What other time?
[Jerry's Apartment]
HELEN: Whenever
(Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch)
JERRY: Where you goin'? MORTY: Uh we'll drive around for a while.
JERRY: (stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) TThey're gonna be here any second.
JERRY: You don't have a car. MORTY: We'll take a bus.
RACHEL: When are they leaving? JERRY: Come on stop. JERRY: In two days. HELEN: No we don't mind RACHEL: It's been soo long. MORTY: I'll get a book. JERRY: I know. RACHEL: Ok, it's only two more days. (They both run their hands through their hair)
RACHEL: No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway. HELEN: O-oh are you sure? RACHEL: Yea.
JERRY: Right, Thursday three o'clock. HELEN: Cuz we don't wann.. MORTY: (from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have
JERRY: (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right?
HELEN: Ooh.
RACHEL: Definitely
JERRY: Oh Hi.
JERRY: Ok.Uh
HELEN: We didn't know you had company.
RACHEL: (going out the door) It's night meeting you.
JERRY: (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel.
HELEN: Nice meeting you.
RACHEL: Hi.
JERRY: Ok, see you later.
MORTY: Boy that was some show.
JERRY: Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.
JERRY: What show?
JACK: So uh where's your father?
MORTY: "My Fair Lady"
JERRY: Ya he's right here.
JERRY: When did you get tickets to see that?
(Jerry hands Morty the phone) MORTY: Yea
HELEN: Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.
JACK: Morty, listen I can't get into the garage.
JERRY: Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting.
MORTY: What do you mean?
MORTY: We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.
JACK: There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work
JERRY: Oh.
MORTY: You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes.
HELEN: He looks better on TV. (Doris enters the scene with Jack) JERRY: Oh (Phone rings)
DORIS: Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes.
JERRY: (answering phone) Hello? (Jack Klompus in Florida) JACK: Hello Jerry,
MORTY: You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it. JACK: Get the hell outta here with your knob.
JERRY: Yea. DORIS: What does he want from you? JACK: It's Jack Klompus. JERRY: Oh hi Jack. JACK: So when are you coming down to Florida again? JERRY: As soon as is humanly possible. JACK: You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down.
MORTY: My idiot son could open that garage door. JERRY: What did I do? MORTY: Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it. (Jack is seen hanging up his phone)
MORTY: They'll be here first thing Thursday morning.
ESTELLE: The hell with them.
HELEN: Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock.
GEORGE: (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.
JERRY: (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock.
(George and Estelle move their way into the living room)
HELEN: How are you gonna get all this done in time?
FRANK: Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair)
MORTY: Don't worry about it. GEORGE: (sitting down) Vacation? JERRY: (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time?
FRANK: You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise.
[Costanza House]
(Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch)
(George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)
GEORGE: (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)
GEORGE: They were drinking champagne in a buggy!
FRANK: But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic.
FRANK: First Kramer, then Elaine?
GEORGE: The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years.
GEORGE: Yea FRANK: It's a slap in the face. ESTELLE: (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them! FRANK: What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that. (Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room)
FRANK: How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door) GEORGE: (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote. FRANK: (looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes.
[Ally outside Rudy's]
(Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out)
(Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes)
JERRY: Hey.
RUDY: Lousy moth ridden crap.
MORTY: Hey, Jerry. HELEN: So how was the movie?
[Median Monologue]
JERRY: Oh, really good, really good.
I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus.
HELEN: And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers) JERRY: Like that (snaps his fingers) MORTY: What about the end, with the list? JERRY: Ya that was some list. HELEN: What did you think about the black and white? JERRY: (confused) The black and white. MORTY: The whole movie was in black and white. JERRY: Oh yea, I didn't even realize. MORTY: You don't even think about it, there's so much going on. JERRY: Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again.
[Movie Theater: Schindler's List] [Rudy's Antique Boutique] (Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display)
[Jerry's Apartment]
KRAMER: So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle
RUDY: Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in.
RUDY: (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.
KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side. (George enters) [Jerry's Apartment] KRAMER: Hey what again? (Morty coming out of the bathroom) GEORGE: I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella.
MORTY: You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent? HELEN: Well he told you about the place.
KRAMER: Payaya, ya I'll be there. GEORGE: Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner.
MORTY: So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is? HELEN: You find something you get a fee.
KRAMER: No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent. GEORGE: Twenty-five percent? It was your idea. KRAMER: Yap I know. GEORGE: You're doing all the leg work. KRAMER: That's right
MORTY: Finder's fee is ten percent and no more. HELEN: Well it's too late now. MORTY: Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off. HELEN: Well you're not gonna say anything.
GEORGE: He's ripping you off (Kramer enters) KRAMER: You're right he's ripping me off GEORGE: If anybody should be getting more it's you.
KRAMER: I've been thinking about something. MORTY: Ya so have I
KRAMER: He's ripping me off GEORGE: Well don't let him take advantage of you like that.
KRAMER: Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair. MORTY: You don't think it's fair.
KRAMER: YAH! (exits)
KRAMER: No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work.
GEORGE: So uh where are the clothes? RUDY: I burned 'em.
MORTY: What leg work? GEORGE: Oh. That's good. KRAMER: Oh, there's leg work. MORTY: If anything you're getting too much.
[Monk's]
KRAMER: Too much?!
(Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth)
MORTY: That's right, they're my coats.
KRAMER: No way I'm taking fifteen.
ELAINE: N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?
MORTY: Well you're not getting thirty-five.
JERRY: It is a tad askew.
KRAMER: Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent.
ELAINE: I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
KRAMER: Look I want thirty-five percent. MORTY: I'm thinking more like fifteen.
MORTY: Ok it's a deal (They shack hands.)
[Rudy's Antique Boutique] RUDY: Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere. GEORGE: I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) II-I'll have the clothes. RUDY: (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill.
JERRY: I've hardly been out to dinner with them. ELAINE: See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice. JERRY: You're right he's insane. ELAINE: Yes, he's insane, that's what I think. JERRY: So what are you going to do? ELAINE: I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?
JERRY: Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.
HELEN: (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him)
ELAINE: Ya what do you mean from what you saw?
NEWMAN: Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket)
JERRY: Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie. ELAINE: Yea why not?
HELEN: Wonderful, we went to the theater last night.
JERRY: I was kind of um (pauses) making out.
NEWMAN: Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.
ELAINE: (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List?
HELEN: Wondering what?
JERRY: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me. ELAINE: During Schindler's List? JERRY: (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents. ELAINE: Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything? JERRY: No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me.
NEWMAN: Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry. HELEN: Well we already saw it. NEWMAN: Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go. MORTY: (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that? NEWMAN: Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean. HELEN: I'm afraid I don't.
ELAINE: Oh.
NEWMAN: Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
[Jerry's Apartment]
MORTY: What?
(A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman)
NEWMAN: What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.
NEWMAN: Hello Mrs. Seinfeld
HELEN: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?
NEWMAN: Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent. HELEN: Jerry sends his laundry out.
attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over. (Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings)
NEWMAN: (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)
JERRY: (answering the phone) Hello.
(Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust)
JACK: Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.
(Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand)
JERRY: Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus. [Jerry's Apartment-Later that day]
MORTY: Hello
(Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom)
JACK: Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good.
JERRY: Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?
MORTY: You didn't get in? JACK: Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in. MORTY: You broke the window?
HELEN: How could you? HELEN: He broke the window? JERRY: How could I what? HELEN: You were making out during Schindler's List?
JACK: You wanted those damn boxes didn't you?
JERRY: What? No.
DORIS: (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you.
MORTY: Don't lie Jerry.
MORTY: Did you send them?
JERRY: (turns) Newman.
JACK: Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock.
HELEN: How could you do such a thing? MORTY: Tomorrow afternoon? JERRY: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming
HELEN: Tomorrow afternoon?
JERRY: Tomorrow afternoon?
[Costanza House]
MORTY: I told you to send them express.
FRANK: I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear.
JACK: W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference.
GEORGE: Moths? FRANK: Moths, ate three boxes?
MORTY: So what did you do about the window?
GEORGE: Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere.
JACK: I gotta fix your window now? MORTY: All right all right. Goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight.
ESTELLE: You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer. (Estelle goes to answer the door)
JERRY: W-what do you mean you're not making the flight? HELEN: We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off. MORTY: Well what's the difference we'll go some place else. (Jerry annoyed walks toward his room) HELEN: Some place else? What about Paris?
KRAMER: (from outside) Hello? ESTELLE: Hello KRAMER: (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves) ESTELLE: Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen) KRAMER: Ooo Paella GEORGE: Hey uh let me take you're coat.
MORTY: You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now. HELEN: I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats. MORTY: You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back. HELEN: I think you're out of your mind.
KRAMER: (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy. FRANK: That shirt, where'd you get that shirt? KRAMER: Wha? FRANK: That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my
attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back KRAMER: (trying to get away) woah GEORGE: Dad?! KRAMER: (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy. GEORGE: Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes.
KRAMER: Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it. GEORGE: Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight? KRAMER: Yea. GEORGE: What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em? KRAMER: Well I suppose they are wasted.
FRANK: Who's Rudy? What clothes? GEORGE: Yes I suppose they are. GEORGE: I sold your clothes yesterday. FRANK: You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes? GEORGE: I didn't think you wore them anymore. FRANK: It's cruise wear!
FRANK: Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes. KRAMER: A mouse! (Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door)
ESTELLE: Kramer, I love that shirt. KRAMER: Yaya [Monk's] FRANK: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!! (Jerry and George enter) ESTELLE: You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.
JERRY: You want the tickets?
KRAMER: Oh, well, thank you.
GEORGE: Yes.
(Estelle giggles)
JERRY: You're gonna take this kid to Paris?
FRANK: Who's this Rudy?
GEORGE: Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.
KRAMER: Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats. FRANK: Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum.
JERRY: You know I'm paying for these tickets.
GEORGE: It's alright, I got lunch.
[Airport] (Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel) KRAMER: Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella? MORTY: Not really. KRAMER: Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm JERRY: Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel?
JERRY: Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours? MORTY: Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple. WOMAN: Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight. JERRY: (turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group? (George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight) GEORGE: Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night.
MORTY: This is it. KRAMER: So how much are we gonna make?
JOEY: Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris.
MORTY: Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations.
(Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.)
KRAMER: Wha two thousand? Three thousand? [Rudy's Antique Boutique] MORTY: That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item.
FRANK: You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn.
KRAMER: More? More than three thousand?
RUDY: Who are you anyways?
MORTY: Just watch me do my thing.
FRANK: I'm the father. RUDY: He said his father was dead.
FRANK: He said I was dead?
FRANK: My clothes don't have moths!
RUDY: That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me.
MORTY: Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats?
FRANK: That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars.
RUDY: That's right.
(Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)
KRAMER: (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it)
KRAMER: Hey, Frank! [Airport] FRANK: Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation. MORTY: Well you don't have to retract it because we never went. FRANK: I'm retracting that it was ever offered.
(Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye) ANNOUNCEMENT: Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding. MORTY: Ok, let's go.
MORTY: I retract your retraction. FRANK: Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours? MORTY: Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here.
HELEN: (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. AARON: Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? ELAINE & JERRY: NO.
RUDY: You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested. KRAMER: I thought we had a deal?
MORTY: Ah, good-bye. (Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss)
FRANK: That's another one of my shirts!! ELAINE: Good-bye RUDY: I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street. MORTY: Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years. RUDY: Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff?
JERRY: Take care MORTY: Alright Jer. (Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss) ELAINE: Nice to see..
MORTY: Buh bye Elaine JERRY: Buh bye. HELEN: Buh bye.
AARON: (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent)
(Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug)
ELAINE: Why?
HELEN: (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home.
AARON: (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!
AARON: Thank you.
(Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny)
JERRY: I think she meant me, but. MORTY: Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats. JERRY: Ok.
[Rachel's Parents' Place] (Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers)
(Morty and Helen go to board the plane) JERRY: Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home? ELAINE: Bye. JERRY: Bye.
MR. GOLDSTEIN: I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter.
(Aaron begins to follow them) JERRY: Why what did I do? ELAINE: Aaron? Aaron are you ok? AARON: I could've done more. I could've done so much more. ELAINE: You did enough. AARON: (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out. JERRY: You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.
MR. GOLDSTEIN: (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door) JERRY: Rachel!
MR. GOLDSTEIN: (closing the door on Jerry) Good night!
JERRY: (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.
JERRY: Rachel!
NEWMAN: (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.
[Monk's]
JERRY: Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night.
(Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)
NEWMAN: Ohh, were you there?
JERRY: So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.
JERRY: Yes I was.
ELAINE: Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen? JERRY: The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in. ELAINE: Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation. JERRY: Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them.
NEWMAN: (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film. JERRY: Yes, shocking brutality don't you think? NEWMAN: (couple quick breaths) Shocking. JERRY: Yes, well that was nothing. (Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up)
ELAINE: (sighs) So how about that Aaron?
NEWMAN: (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Whew
(Jerry chases Newman right out the door)
ELAINE: You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked?
[Paris]
JERRY: No I hadn't noticed. (Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket) NEWMAN: (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.
(George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey) GEORGE: Where the hell is your father?! (George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses) [Cruise ship out in the Ocean]
(Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat) ESTELLE: This is the best thing we ever did. FRANK: I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing. ESTELLE: Ah forget about them let's just... (Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen) [Closing Monologue] Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible. \ End
The Raincoats (2) Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by 13erla Corrections by The News Guy(Mike) Originally posted on 13erla's site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as three lines above are included - Thanks) Episode 82&83 - The Raincoats pc: 519&520, season 5, episode 18&19 Broadcast date: April 28 1994 NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode. Part 1 Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross and Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld Part 1 Written by Larry Charles Both Directed by Tom Cherones -----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer Guest Stars: Michael G. Hagerty ........... Rudy Dorien Wilson ..................... Alec Annie Korzen ..................... Doris Klompus Stephen Pearlman .............. Mr. Goldstein Judge Reinhold .................. Aaron Lisa Pescia .......................... Joanne Jason Manary ................... Joey LaRita Shelby ................... Tour Leader Melanie Smith .................... Rachel rc: Jerry Stiller .................... Frank Costanza rc: Estelle Harris ................ Estelle Costanza rc: Barney Martin .............. Morty Seinfeld rc: Liz Sheridan ................. Helen Seinfeld rc: Sandy Baron ................ Jack Klompus
=============================== =============================== ====
GEORGE: What about her place?
[Opening Monologue]
GEORGE: Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drivethrough and Hand shakes is the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes you know these people? Too long, too weak, sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers, early release, late release, sometimes people will dispute your release, you let go there're hangin' on. I have actually said to people 'Hey the handshake is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, coming from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say 'That's three strikes you're out.' [Monk's]
JERRY: She lives with her parents.
JERRY: (sarcastically)Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way. GEORGE: Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship? JERRY: The baldies GEORGE: Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town. JERRY: That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present.
(George and Jerry at the usual booth) (Alec and Joey enter) JERRY: You know their timing couldn't be worse. GEORGE: Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?
ALEC: (walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys. GEORGE: Hey Alec
JERRY: You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up.
JERRY: Hey Alec
GEORGE: When are they leaving for Paris?
ALEC: (Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for
JERRY: Not for another three days.
ALEC: This is Joey. GEORGE: Hey Joey, how you doin'?
the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George?
JERRY: Ya, it's much better isn't it? GEORGE: Oh, n-no comparison.
GEORGE: Well uh.... JOEY: (interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please?
JERRY: Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.
GEORGE: Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.
GEORGE: (stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
ALEC: That's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you.
JERRY: What?
JOEY: Wouldn't you like to be a big brother..
GEORGE: Your parents are going to Paris right? JERRY: Yea?
ALEC: (grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya. JERRY: What happened? GEORGE: What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid?
GEORGE: So I tell Alec that I have to goto Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris. JERRY: What about little Joey? GEORGE: Who?
JERRY: (acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?
JERRY: Ah, I think he's probably better off.
[Jerry's Apartment] [Street] (Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.) JERRY: Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now? GEORGE: Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.
(Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George are standing by them) GEORGE: I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox. MORTY: But there are no stamps on these.
GEORGE: Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.
GEORGE: Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something?
HELEN: Why are you doing this?
KRAMER: Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow.
JERRY: He wants this guy to think he's in Paris. HELEN: Why? JERRY: Because George is a deeply disturbed individual. (Kramer enters) KRAMER: Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion? HELEN: I told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion) KRAMER: (putting on the lotion) Ya HELEN: It's from the Sachs Fifth Avenue in Miami. KRAMER: Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.
GEORGE: What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then? KRAMER: Well I suppose the children do. GEORGE: (pondering) Yes I suppose they do. KRAMER: (takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later. (Kramer goes to turn the door nob and falls straight to the floor slipping off the nob, then continues to try to open the door with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip and then smiles and exits) GEORGE: (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?
JERRY: Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there.
(Morty and Helen look at each other)
KRAMER: Ya
GEORGE: Yea they're making Payaya.
MORTY: Say those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home.
HELEN: (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.
KRAMER: Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle.
HELEN: Tonight?
JERRY: (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans? HELEN: (turns to Jerry) We have plans.
JERRY: Where'd you get plans? HELEN: (annoyed) We have plans. GEORGE: Well um, what about tomorrow night?
HELEN: Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice? JERRY: No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
HELEN: (turns back toward George) Maybe MORTY: Well we do. GEORGE: Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that. (Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it) MORTY: (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though. GEORGE: (quietly) Ya. JERRY: (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later. GEORGE: Ya. (George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed) JERRY: So what plans do you have?
JERRY: Ya? (Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom) ELAINE: It's us. JERRY: U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you? HELEN: We adore Elaine. JERRY: She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend.
MORTY: None HELEN: What's he like? JERRY: So how come you're not going over there for dinner? HELEN: Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'. MORTY: We can't stand them. JERRY: Really? Since when?
JERRY: He's nice, bit of a close talker. HELEN: A what? JERRY: You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas' HELEN: They're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum.
HELEN: Since always. We've never liked them.
(Elaine and Aaron enter)
JERRY: Why?
EVERYONE: Hi. MORTY: Hello Elaine
(Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug)
HELEN: I wouldn't be any trouble?
ELAINE: This is Aaron.
AARON: (gets closer) Of course not.
HELEN: Hello Aaron
HELEN: When would we go?
MORTY: Hello.
AARON: How about right now?
AARON: (getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town?
MORTY: I'm ready HELEN: Are you sure?
HELEN: Oh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris.
AARON: Yes.
AARON: Ah
HELEN: Ok, let me get my coat.
MORTY: We're going with a select charter group.
(Helen goes to get her coat)
AARON: I love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya.
AARON: (walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say? ELAINE: W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans.
HELEN: We can't take money. AARON: Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us.
AARON: Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry? JERRY: I'm swamped.
ELAINE: Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time? JERRY: No I haven't. AARON: You know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour? HELEN: (grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that?
AARON: You sure? You could examine the art work up close. JERRY: Maybe I'll try and catch up with you. ELAINE: (under her breath) Ya that'll happen) AARON: (Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off. (Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door)
AARON: (up in Helen's face) Easily MORTY: Ok, bye.
HELEN & AARON: Bye. JERRY: Ok buh bye. Have a good time.
Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed) ELAINE: (putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out.
ELAINE: Bye. AARON: See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss)
(Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust)
JERRY: Ok. ELAINE: Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum? JERRY: I don't know. ELAINE: What is that? JERRY: Maybe he was just trying to be nice. ELAINE: Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this? JERRY: Wait a second, he just did me a big favor.
[Costanza House] FRANK: They're not coming? GEORGE: No, they had plans. ESTELLE: How could they have plans? GEORGE: That's what I wanna know. FRANK: Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends. ESTELLE: What am I supposed to do with all this Paella?
(Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone)
GEORGE: They said tomorrow, maybe.
ELAINE: What?
FRANK: Maybe?
JERRY: (dialing) He got em out of the house.
ESTELLE: Maybe they don't like us.
JERRY: Call Rachel.
FRANK: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?
ELAINE: Oh.
ESTELLE: Ah keep quiet.
JERRY: (on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel!
FRANK: What are you trying to set my mouth on fire?
ELAINE: What?
GEORGE: I don't know what the reason could be.
HELEN: Oh thanks again. AARON & HELEN: Buh bye. (Kramer enters)
[Jerry's Apartment] (Morty, Helen and Aaron enter) JERRY: (disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi. AARON: Ah Jerry you would not believe the time we had. HELEN: Aaron is quite the tour guide. MORTY: Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings?
AARON: Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you. KRAMER: You must be Aaron, I've heard about you. AARON: (Laughing) Well see you later. KRAMER: Yeah. AARON: (leaving) Bye
JERRY: Oh sure like Monet.
JERRY: Bye
MORTY: Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.
KRAMER: So uh what are you guys doing for dinner?
JERRY: Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday.
MORTY: (noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive.
MORTY: I say the guy was painting without his glasses.
KRAMER: Now what is Executive?
(phone rings) JERRY: (answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back. HELEN: Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read. JERRY: Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up) AARON: Well I should be going.
HELEN: We have no plans.
JERRY: The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it. MORTY: I sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years. HELEN: Why would they? Nobody bought them then. MORTY: He's wearing one.
KRAMER: Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's. MORTY: You don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida? KRAMER: Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything.
GEORGE: Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there. ALEC: Paris huh? GEORGE: Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for.
MORTY: You gotta deal. ALEC: Where will you stay? (Kramer and Morty shake hands) KRAMER: Yaaaa. JERRY: This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson. MORTY: I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery. HELEN: You're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days. MORTY: He'll send them express. HELEN: You're crazy. MORTY: I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats.
GEORGE: An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry. ALEC: George, you have no idea how fantastic this is. GEORGE: Fantastic? ALEC: Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution. GEORGE: How gee what a coincidence. ALEC: And you'll send me a postcard.
JERRY: N-na I'm paying for the trip. MORTY: So much the better. [Elaine's Apartment] (Elaine and Aaron lying in bed) [Monk's] (George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door)
AARON: Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children.
ELAINE: Mm hmm. AARON: And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him
to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. KRAMER: How serendipitous. MORTY: So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born.
ELAINE: Aaron KRAMER: Mmm AARON: Yes? ELAINE: Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you?
JERRY: He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play. KRAMER: Did you call Jack Klompus yet?
AARON: Well, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it. ELAINE: Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age?
MORTY: I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now. JERRY: Ah come on. MORTY: Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone)
AARON: No, it was fun. ELAINE: You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.
HELEN: Jerry have you seen Schindler's List? JERRY: No I haven't seen it yet.
AARON: Yea, they bought me a coke. HELEN: Oh you have to go you have to JERRY: I'm going [Jerry's Apartment] (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep) KRAMER: So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat? MORTY: I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just
HELEN: You have to JERRY: Ok MORTY: (on the phone) Hello Jack. (Jack in Florida) JACK: Ya MORTY: It's Morty JACK: Who died?
MORTY: Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes. JACK: What boxes?
ESTELLE: You think they're coming tonight? GEORGE: I dunno they said maybe. FRANK: Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us.
MORTY: I'm gonna explain what boxes. JACK: Alright how the hell do I know?
ESTELLE: Well they better come, I got all this Paella.
MORTY: Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me.
FRANK: I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.
JACK: I thought you're going to Paris
GEORGE: Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.
MORTY: I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here.
ESTELLE: Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night?
JACK: What's in the boxes? GEORGE: I-I wasn't in the attic. MORTY: Raincoats. ESTELLE: I heard noise. JACK: Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage. HELEN: I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes.
GEORGE: Maybe it was a mouse. FRANK: (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving! GEORGE: What?
JACK: When do you want these? FRANK: I will not tolerate infestation. MORTY: Send them tomorrow. GEORGE: You haven't even seen one.
[Costanza House) (George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in)
FRANK: Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.
ESTELLE: All right Frank that's enough. (Frank sits back down)
[Rudy's Antique Boutique]
KRAMER: Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats.
(Rudy is checking out the clothes)
GEORGE: Hey that's swell.
GEORGE: I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing)
KRAMER: Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night.
RUDY: Uh huh.
KRAMER: Ya.
GEORGE: They will get a good home won't they?
GEORGE: You had dinner with the Seinfelds?
RUDY: Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular.
KRAMER: Yea, last night.
GEORGE: Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a Casanova really. RUDY: I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes. GEORGE: Could you make it two-twentyfive that was his hi-game in bowling. RUDY: Yea I'm in a good mood here.
GEORGE: Dinner? (grabs Kramer)
GEORGE: Was this something you had planned for a while? KRAMER: No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants. GEORGE: (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans! KRAMER: Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy)
GEORGE: Thank you. (Kramer enters) KRAMER: Hey, George what are you doing here? GEORGE: Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted.
RUDY: Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars. KRAMER: Oh I'll take these. RUDY: All right KRAMER: Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me?
KRAMER: Oh, I gotcha (clicks) RUDY: Sure that's the Executive. GEORGE: (leaving) That'll do.
KRAMER: Ya, you have any others? RUDY: I wish. They don't make 'em anymore. KRAMER: Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested? RUDY: Very interested KRAMER: Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak. RUDY: Well bring 'em in.
JERRY: Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing. GEORGE: So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents? JERRY: That's right. GEORGE: Is there something wrong with my parents? JERRY: Absolutely GEORGE: Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.
KRAMER: So you'll buy them? RUDY: I don't see what would possibly stop me.
JERRY: These the people you currently live with? GEORGE: Yes.
(Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths as the scene ends)
JERRY: Uh huh GEORGE: So are they coming tonight or not?
[Jerry's Apartment] (George enters) GEORGE: Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!
JERRY: Look I really don't know what they're plans are. GEORGE: Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella. JERRY: What is that anyway?
JERRY: What are you talking about? GEORGE: Mom and Pop Seinfeld
GEORGE: It's a Spanish dish. It's a mlange of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.
JERRY: Look I don't know.
JERRY: I-I'll tell 'em
GEORGE: All right I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.
GEORGE: Hey could you do one other thing for me? JERRY: Name it.
GEORGE: You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps)
(Elaine and Aaron kiss) (Enter Helen) HELEN: Hello, Hello. (Enter Morty) MORTY: Hello Elaine
JERRY: So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris? GEORGE: (pause) All right if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards.
(Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock) AARON: I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen. ELAINE: Oh, Great. MORTY: (looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage?
[Elaine's Office] HELEN: You don't mind to you Elaine? (Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door)
ELAINE: Mind? Oh o-of course not.
JOANNE: So where's he taking you?
AARON: We can make a whole day of it.
ELAINE: Well first we're going to a matinee, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places.
MORTY: This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli?
JOANNE: You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron.
ELAINE: (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld
AARON: (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey
[Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair Lady" over them. First the matine where we see (from left to right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the
ELAINE: (already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi
restaurant we see (from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks the top of the cab in disgust] (song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but all at once my heart would fly"
Helen) I could have danced all night and still have HELEN: Ooh. JERRY: Oh Hi. HELEN: We didn't know you had company. JERRY: (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel. RACHEL: Hi. HELEN & MORTY: Hello Rachel. HELEN: Uh we'll come back another time. JERRY: What other time?
[Jerry's Apartment] HELEN: Whenever (Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch)
JERRY: Where you goin'?
JERRY: (stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) TThey're gonna be here any second.
MORTY: Uh we'll drive around for a while.
RACHEL: When are they leaving?
MORTY: We'll take a bus.
JERRY: In two days.
JERRY: Come on stop.
RACHEL: It's been soo long.
HELEN: No we don't mind
JERRY: I know.
MORTY: I'll get a book.
RACHEL: Ok, it's only two more days.
RACHEL: No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.
JERRY: You don't have a car.
(They both run their hands through their hair)
HELEN: O-oh are you sure?
JERRY: Right, Thursday three o'clock.
RACHEL: Yea.
MORTY: (from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with
HELEN: Cuz we don't wann..
JERRY: (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right?
JERRY: Yea. JACK: It's Jack Klompus.
RACHEL: Definitely JERRY: Oh hi Jack. JERRY: Ok.Uh RACHEL: (going out the door) It's night meeting you.
JACK: So when are you coming down to Florida again? JERRY: As soon as is humanly possible.
HELEN: Nice meeting you. JERRY: Ok, see you later.
JACK: You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down.
MORTY: Boy that was some show.
JERRY: Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.
JERRY: What show?
JACK: So uh where's your father?
MORTY: "My Fair Lady"
JERRY: Ya he's right here.
JERRY: When did you get tickets to see that?
(Jerry hands Morty the phone) MORTY: Yea
HELEN: Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.
JACK: Morty, listen I can't get into the garage.
JERRY: Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting.
MORTY: What do you mean?
MORTY: We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.
JACK: There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work
JERRY: Oh.
MORTY: You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes.
HELEN: He looks better on TV. (Doris enters the scene with Jack) JERRY: Oh (Phone rings)
DORIS: Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes.
JERRY: (answering phone) Hello? (Jack Klompus in Florida) JACK: Hello Jerry,
MORTY: You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it.
JACK: Get the hell outta here with your knob. DORIS: What does he want from you? MORTY: My idiot son could open that garage door. JERRY: What did I do? MORTY: Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it. (Jack is seen hanging up his phone) MORTY: They'll be here first thing Thursday morning.
FRANK: It's a slap in the face. ESTELLE: (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them! FRANK: What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that. (Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room) ESTELLE: The hell with them.
HELEN: Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock.
GEORGE: (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.
JERRY: (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock.
(George and Estelle move their way into the living room)
HELEN: How are you gonna get all this done in time?
FRANK: Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair)
MORTY: Don't worry about it. GEORGE: (sitting down) Vacation? JERRY: (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time?
FRANK: You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise.
[Costanza House]
(Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch)
(George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)
GEORGE: (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)
GEORGE: They were drinking champagne in a buggy!
FRANK: But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic.
FRANK: First Kramer, then Elaine?
GEORGE: The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years.
GEORGE: Yea
FRANK: How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door)
spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus.
[Movie Theater: Schindler's List] GEORGE: (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote. FRANK: (looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes.
(Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display)
[Jerry's Apartment] [Ally outside Rudy's]
(Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out)
(Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes)
JERRY: Hey.
RUDY: Lousy moth ridden crap.
MORTY: Hey, Jerry. HELEN: So how was the movie?
[Median Monologue]
JERRY: Oh, really good, really good.
I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion
HELEN: And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers) JERRY: Like that (snaps his fingers) MORTY: What about the end, with the list? JERRY: Ya that was some list. HELEN: What did you think about the black and white? JERRY: (confused) The black and white. MORTY: The whole movie was in black and white. JERRY: Oh yea, I didn't even realize.
MORTY: You don't even think about it, there's so much going on.
KRAMER: That's right GEORGE: He's ripping you off
JERRY: Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again. KRAMER: You're right he's ripping me off [Rudy's Antique Boutique] KRAMER: So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle
GEORGE: If anybody should be getting more it's you. KRAMER: He's ripping me off GEORGE: Well don't let him take advantage of you like that. KRAMER: YAH! (exits)
RUDY: Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in.
RUDY: (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.
KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side. (George enters) [Jerry's Apartment] KRAMER: Hey what again? (Morty coming out of the bathroom) GEORGE: I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella.
MORTY: You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent? HELEN: Well he told you about the place.
KRAMER: Payaya, ya I'll be there. GEORGE: Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner.
MORTY: So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is? HELEN: You find something you get a fee.
KRAMER: No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent. GEORGE: Twenty-five percent? It was your idea. KRAMER: Yap I know. GEORGE: You're doing all the leg work.
MORTY: Finder's fee is ten percent and no more. HELEN: Well it's too late now. MORTY: Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off.
HELEN: Well you're not gonna say anything. (Kramer enters) KRAMER: I've been thinking about something. MORTY: Ya so have I KRAMER: Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair.
[Rudy's Antique Boutique] RUDY: Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere. GEORGE: I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) II-I'll have the clothes.
MORTY: You don't think it's fair.
RUDY: (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill.
KRAMER: No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work.
GEORGE: So uh where are the clothes? RUDY: I burned 'em.
MORTY: What leg work? GEORGE: Oh. That's good. KRAMER: Oh, there's leg work. MORTY: If anything you're getting too much.
[Monk's]
KRAMER: Too much?!
(Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth)
MORTY: That's right, they're my coats.
KRAMER: No way I'm taking fifteen.
ELAINE: N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?
MORTY: Well you're not getting thirty-five.
JERRY: It is a tad askew.
KRAMER: Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent.
ELAINE: I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
KRAMER: Look I want thirty-five percent. MORTY: I'm thinking more like fifteen.
MORTY: Ok it's a deal (They shack hands.)
JERRY: I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
ELAINE: See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.
JERRY: No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me. ELAINE: Oh.
JERRY: You're right he's insane. ELAINE: Yes, he's insane, that's what I think. JERRY: So what are you going to do? ELAINE: I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?
[Jerry's Apartment] (A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman) NEWMAN: Hello Mrs. Seinfeld
JERRY: Uh from what I saw it was pretty good. ELAINE: Ya what do you mean from what you saw? JERRY: Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie. ELAINE: Yea why not? JERRY: I was kind of um (pauses) making out. ELAINE: (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List? JERRY: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me.
HELEN: (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him) NEWMAN: Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket) HELEN: Wonderful, we went to the theater last night. NEWMAN: Oh the theater. Because I was wondering. HELEN: Wondering what? NEWMAN: Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry. HELEN: Well we already saw it.
ELAINE: During Schindler's List? JERRY: (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents. ELAINE: Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?
NEWMAN: Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go. MORTY: (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that? NEWMAN: Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.
JERRY: How could I what? HELEN: I'm afraid I don't. NEWMAN: Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
HELEN: You were making out during Schindler's List? JERRY: What? No.
MORTY: What?
MORTY: Don't lie Jerry.
NEWMAN: What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.
JERRY: (turns) Newman.
HELEN: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?
JERRY: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.
NEWMAN: Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent. HELEN: Jerry sends his laundry out.
HELEN: How could you do such a thing?
(Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings)
NEWMAN: (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)
JERRY: (answering the phone) Hello.
(Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust)
JACK: Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.
(Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand)
JERRY: Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus. [Jerry's Apartment-Later that day]
MORTY: Hello
(Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom)
JACK: Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good.
JERRY: Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?
MORTY: You didn't get in? JACK: Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in. MORTY: You broke the window?
HELEN: How could you? HELEN: He broke the window?
JACK: You wanted those damn boxes didn't you? DORIS: (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you.
HELEN: Some place else? What about Paris? MORTY: You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now.
MORTY: Did you send them?
HELEN: I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats.
JACK: Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock.
MORTY: You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back.
MORTY: Tomorrow afternoon?
HELEN: I think you're out of your mind.
HELEN: Tomorrow afternoon? JERRY: Tomorrow afternoon?
[Costanza House]
MORTY: I told you to send them express.
FRANK: I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear.
JACK: W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference.
GEORGE: Moths? FRANK: Moths, ate three boxes?
MORTY: So what did you do about the window?
GEORGE: Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere.
JACK: I gotta fix your window now? MORTY: All right all right. Goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight.
ESTELLE: You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer. (Estelle goes to answer the door)
JERRY: W-what do you mean you're not making the flight? HELEN: We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off. MORTY: Well what's the difference we'll go some place else. (Jerry annoyed walks toward his room)
KRAMER: (from outside) Hello? ESTELLE: Hello KRAMER: (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves) ESTELLE: Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)
KRAMER: Ooo Paella
FRANK: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!
GEORGE: Hey uh let me take you're coat.
ESTELLE: You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.
KRAMER: (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy. FRANK: That shirt, where'd you get that shirt?
KRAMER: Oh, well, thank you. (Estelle giggles) FRANK: Who's this Rudy?
KRAMER: Wha? FRANK: That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back KRAMER: (trying to get away) woah GEORGE: Dad?! KRAMER: (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy. GEORGE: Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes.
KRAMER: Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats. FRANK: Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum. KRAMER: Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it. GEORGE: Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight? KRAMER: Yea. GEORGE: What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em? KRAMER: Well I suppose they are wasted.
FRANK: Who's Rudy? What clothes? GEORGE: Yes I suppose they are. GEORGE: I sold your clothes yesterday. FRANK: You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes? GEORGE: I didn't think you wore them anymore. FRANK: It's cruise wear!
FRANK: Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes. KRAMER: A mouse! (Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door)
ESTELLE: Kramer, I love that shirt. KRAMER: Yaya [Monk's]
(Jerry and George enter) JERRY: You want the tickets?
MORTY: Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations. KRAMER: Wha two thousand? Three thousand?
GEORGE: Yes. JERRY: You're gonna take this kid to Paris? GEORGE: Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.
MORTY: That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item. KRAMER: More? More than three thousand? MORTY: Just watch me do my thing.
JERRY: You know I'm paying for these tickets. GEORGE: It's alright, I got lunch.
[Airport] (Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel) KRAMER: Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella?
JERRY: Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours? MORTY: Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple. WOMAN: Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight. JERRY: (turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group?
MORTY: Not really. KRAMER: Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm JERRY: Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel? MORTY: This is it. KRAMER: So how much are we gonna make?
(George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight) GEORGE: Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night. JOEY: Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris. (Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.)
KRAMER: I thought we had a deal? [Rudy's Antique Boutique]
FRANK: That's another one of my shirts!!
FRANK: You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn.
RUDY: I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street.
RUDY: Who are you anyways?
MORTY: Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years.
FRANK: I'm the father. RUDY: He said his father was dead.
RUDY: Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff?
FRANK: He said I was dead?
FRANK: My clothes don't have moths!
RUDY: That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me.
MORTY: Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats?
FRANK: That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars.
RUDY: That's right.
(Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)
KRAMER: (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it)
KRAMER: Hey, Frank! [Airport] FRANK: Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation. MORTY: Well you don't have to retract it because we never went. FRANK: I'm retracting that it was ever offered.
(Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye) ANNOUNCEMENT: Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding. MORTY: Ok, let's go.
MORTY: I retract your retraction. FRANK: Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours? MORTY: Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here.
HELEN: (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. AARON: Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? ELAINE & JERRY: NO.
RUDY: You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested.
MORTY: Ah, good-bye.
(Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss)
AARON: I could've done more. I could've done so much more.
ELAINE: Good-bye
ELAINE: You did enough.
JERRY: Take care
AARON: (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out.
MORTY: Alright Jer. (Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss)
JERRY: You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.
ELAINE: Nice to see.. MORTY: Buh bye Elaine JERRY: Buh bye. HELEN: Buh bye.
AARON: (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent)
(Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug)
ELAINE: Why?
HELEN: (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home.
AARON: (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!
AARON: Thank you.
(Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny)
JERRY: I think she meant me, but. MORTY: Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats. JERRY: Ok.
[Rachel's Parents' Place] (Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers)
(Morty and Helen go to board the plane) JERRY: Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home? ELAINE: Bye. JERRY: Bye.
MR. GOLDSTEIN: I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter.
(Aaron begins to follow them) JERRY: Why what did I do? ELAINE: Aaron? Aaron are you ok?
MR. GOLDSTEIN: (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door)
ELAINE: You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked? JERRY: No I hadn't noticed. (Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket) NEWMAN: (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.
JERRY: Rachel! MR. GOLDSTEIN: (closing the door on Jerry) Good night!
JERRY: (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.
JERRY: Rachel!
NEWMAN: (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.
[Monk's]
JERRY: Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night.
(Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)
NEWMAN: Ohh, were you there?
JERRY: So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.
JERRY: Yes I was.
ELAINE: Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen? JERRY: The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in. ELAINE: Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation. JERRY: Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them.
NEWMAN: (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film. JERRY: Yes, shocking brutality don't you think? NEWMAN: (couple quick breaths) Shocking. JERRY: Yes, well that was nothing. (Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up)
ELAINE: (sighs) So how about that Aaron?
NEWMAN: (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Whew
(Jerry chases Newman right out the door)
[Paris] (George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey) GEORGE: Where the hell is your father?! (George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses) [Cruise ship out in the Ocean] (Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat) ESTELLE: This is the best thing we ever did. FRANK: I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing. ESTELLE: Ah forget about them let's just... (Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen) [Closing Monologue] Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.
The Fire Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 6, 2002. SEINFELD Episode no. 84 "The Fire" (Original air date 5 May 1994) Directed by Tom Cherones. Written by Larry Charles. Guest stars: Melanie Chartoff (Robin) Veanne Cox (Toby) Dom Irrera (Ronnie) Jon Favreau (Eric the Clown) Lisa Pescia (Joanne) Hiram Kasten (Michael) Patience Cleveland (Robin's mother) Lawrence LeJohn (Fireman) Jerry Stiller (Frank Costanza, voice only) Estelle Harris (Estelle Costanza, voice only) Jerry's stand-up: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends.
They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.' Opening scene - Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby in Elaine's office at Pendant. They're looking at proofs for Kramer's "coffee table book about coffee tables." TOBY (exuberantly): These are great! Just great! Really great! Really, really great! Don't you think so, Elaine? ELAINE (put off by Toby's exuberance): Yeah, really great. TOBY: A coffee table book about coffee tables! <To Kramer> How did you come up with this idea?
like working with a contestant from "The Price Is Right"! <demonstrates> JERRY: Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny <reads comedy he's written> "Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest." ELAINE (uninterested): Yeah, it's funny, I dunno. JERRY: You don't know? Come on, that's gold! ELAINE: Well, I don't know about "gold." JERRY: Oh, that's gold, baby.
KRAMER: It was there! TOBY: Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm a coffee table, put some coffee on me! Oh, the hotter the better, that's what I'm here for!' <laughs> ELAINE: Actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so... KRAMER: Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so the book itself becomes a coffee table? TOBY: Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really, really great! New scene - Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment later that day.
ELAINE: 'Baby'? What, are you doing George now? JERRY: I was saying 'baby' way before George! ELAINE: Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it puts too much pressure on me. JERRY: Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night. ELAINE: Yeah, who's he? JERRY: He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly. I would like to have a good show. <Kramer enters.>
ELAINE (imitating Toby): 'And that coffee table is saying, put some coffee on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right in her face! I swear! This is
KRAMER: Danke schoen, my little dumplings.
ELAINE: Hi. KRAMER (to Elaine): Hey, how about that Toby, huh?
ELAINE: What about her kid, is she bringing him, too? KRAMER: She's got a kid?
ELAINE: Yeah, how about her? KRAMER: Ooh, she's a package full of energy! ELAINE: Yeah, she's a package full of something. KRAMER: And that something is life. Jerry, you gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin' with positivity! ELAINE (absolutely disgusted): Oh, pleeeeease. <moves to the living room and sits down> KRAMER (to Jerry): Hey, are you performing tomorrow night? JERRY: Yeah. KRAMER: Great, I'm gonna bring Toby. JERRY: Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna be there.
JERRY: Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid! New scene - George and Robin in a booth at the coffee shop. Robin's kid is under the table. GEORGE: Ow! What are you doing under there? Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's not food! <to Robin> He's suckin' down Equal packets! ROBIN: Do you think 25 kids is too much? GEORGE: 25 kids for his birthday party? <to kid under table> Don't put your tongue on the floor! He's putting his tongue on the floor! Here, here, have some more sugar packets. ROBIN: So, what about entertainment? <to kid> Should I get Barney? KID: No Barney! ROBIN (to George): Maybe a clown.
KRAMER: Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine? ELAINE: Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. <imitates Toby> Really, really great! JERRY (to Kramer): Well, you want to sit with George? I think he's coming with Robin.
GEORGE: How about Bozo? KID: Who's Bozo? GEORGE: Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none. ROBIN: George...
KRAMER: Is that the waitress from the comedy club? JERRY: Yeah.
GEORGE: With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles...
ROBIN: George... GEORGE: And the TV show! He had cartoons!
TOBY: Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great! Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen? ELAINE: Nope.
ROBIN: George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo. GEORGE: You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday party...
TOBY: He is going to Knopp. He is going to be a vice president. ELAINE: Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's an opening here for senior editor...has Lippman, uh, hired anyone?
We see a flashback of George at seven, sitting in front of a birthday cake with a shocked expression on his face, while Frank and Estelle scream at him:
TOBY: No. I hear he wants to promote someone in-house.
FRANK: Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles!
TOBY: Maybe it'll be you!
ESTELLE: Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!
TOBY: You really deserve it. I mean, you have experience, seniority...Lippman really respects your opinion...
ROBIN: Well, this time, you can blow out the candles. GEORGE: Nah, I have asthma. <Robin's kid grabs George's leg from under the table, and George struggles.>
ELAINE: Really!
ELAINE: Oh...well...
ELAINE (beaming): Well! Well, it could be you. TOBY: No... ELAINE: No, really.
New scene - Elaine in her office at work. Toby enters.
TOBY (standing): Really? You think so?
TOBY: Hi!
ELAINE (humoring her): Sure.
ELAINE (in a dreadful tone): Hi, Toby.
TOBY: Boy, wouldn't that be exciting!
TOBY: How are you doing today?
ELAINE: I mean, stranger things have happened...
ELAINE: Fine... <Toby sits and waits for Elaine to speak.> How are you?
TOBY: Wow! Me! A senior editor! <deadly serious> I'd like that.
ELAINE: Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, Toby. TOBY: Well, it's a possibility, like you said! Stranger things have happened! Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. <Exits.> New scene - Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage at the comedy club. JERRY: Hey, Ronnie. <To bartender> Can I have a club soda? <To Ronnie> Goin' on tonight?
TOBY: This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! <To Jerry> Touch! Touch them! <Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.> I've never been to a comedy club before! JERRY: Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too. TOBY (laughing): You are so funny! JERRY: Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.
RONNIE: Yeah. You? JERRY: Yeah. RONNIE: You know Leonard Christian's here? JERRY: Yeah, I know. RONNIE: Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils getting bigger?
TOBY: Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't believe him. I believe you. I believe you! Oh, he's so funny! <laughs> KRAMER: What about me? TOBY (serious): What about you? <laughs> I'm only kidding. You're funny, too. I love to laugh. JERRY: Good, good.
JERRY: I don't...think so. KRAMER (to Jerry): So, you up next? RONNIE: Are you sure? Take a good look. They seem a little bigger?
JERRY: Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats?
JERRY: I don't...I dunno. RONNIE: Is it possible for nostrils to expand? JERRY: Oh, is this a bit? RONNIE: Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic. Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I can't go on without my water gun.
TOBY: Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way? I didn't pay a cover charge to stare at your bald spot.' <laughs> KRAMER: Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy? JERRY: Yeah.
<Kramer and Toby enter.> KRAMER: Hey, Jerry. Toby, this is Jerry.
TOBY: Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show!
JERRY: O.k., good, I'll see you later. <Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.> TOBY: Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited! Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience near the front.
KRAMER: Look, she didn't mean anything. JERRY: Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?! KRAMER: She's just being enthusiastic, that's all! <Toby enters.>
JERRY: Men definitely hit the remote button more than women... TOBY (loudly): Oh, really! Really! That is so true! JERRY: Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. TOBY: Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! <Other audience members give her puzzled looks.> JERRY (attempting to carry on despite Toby's interruptions): See...women really want to see what the show is before they change the channel... TOBY: Oh, that is so true, yes! JERRY: ...that's why men hunt and women nest. TOBY: BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! <Toby's obnoxious behavior causes Jerry to completely lose his place and mess up his act.> New scene - Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters.
JERRY: Hey! What is wrong with you?! TOBY: Me? Nothing's wrong with me. JERRY: You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set! TOBY: Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show. JERRY: No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies! TOBY: Well, that's the way I express myself. How are you gonna make it in this business if you can't take it? JERRY: Oh, I can take it. TOBY (to Kramer): Let's go. <Ronnie walks by Jerry.> RONNIE: Hey, man. Good set. New scene - George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party. GEORGE: Bozo?
JERRY: Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?!
ERIC: No. GEORGE: B-O-Z-O?
ERIC: Sorry, I... GEORGE: You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?
GEORGE: Well, I do what I can. <Robin comes over.> ROBIN: Hi Mom, how's everything?
ERIC: No!
ROBIN'S MOTHER: Oh, this is just a wonderful party!
GEORGE: How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is?
ROBIN: The burgers should be ready in a minute.
ERIC: I don't know, I just don't.
GEORGE: Ah, great, great. <sniffs> What's that smell? Smoke? <walks to the kitchen> Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...<smoke boils into the doorway.> FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the way!
GEORGE: How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is? ERIC: Hey, man - what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is, what - is he a clown? GEORGE: Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!? ERIC: Well, what is he?
<The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels out of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies in a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone behind.> Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask on his face.
GEORGE: Yes, he's a clown! ERIC: Alright, so what's the big deal! There's millions of clowns! GEORGE: Alright, just forget it. ERIC: Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the sixties, man! GEORGE: Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! What kind of name is that for a clown, huh? ROBIN'S MOTHER: Excuse me...you must be George! I'm Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such a lovely young man!
GEORGE (to the EMTs): It was an inferno in there! An inferno! <Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids rush at George.> ERIC: There he is! That's him! <Tries to clobber George with his big shoe.> ROBIN'S MOTHER: That's the coward that left us to die! Commercial break. Cut back to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions to Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the ambulance at the party. GEORGE (voice is hoarse from screaming): I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.
ROBIN: But you yelled "get out of my way"! GEORGE: Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards? ROBIN: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind! GEORGE: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
GEORGE: Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know. JERRY: You probably couldn't see because of the smoke. GEORGE: Yeah. But it was somebody's arm. JERRY: So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion. GEORGE: To some degree. JERRY: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves. GEORGE: In a manner of speaking. JERRY: Well, it's honest. GEORGE: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
FIREMAN: How do you live with yourself?
JERRY: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
GEORGE: Its not easy.
GEORGE: Perhaps.
New scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop.
JERRY: So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?
GEORGE: So she doesn't want to see me anymore.
GEORGE: Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe.
JERRY: Did you knock her over too, or just the kids?
JERRY: By the way, did you see this? <Hands George a magazine>
GEORGE: No, her too. And her mother.
GEORGE: What's that?
JERRY: Really? Her mother.
JERRY: It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article.
GEORGE: Wow, he really does a number on you. <reads> "Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling." JERRY: I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer.
JERRY: Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'
GEORGE: You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and heckle her.
TOBY: You know, I have work to do here! I'm very busy!
JERRY: Yeah, right.
JERRY: Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting?
GEORGE: You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?' JERRY: Yeah, that'd be something. GEORGE: I'm not kidding, you should do it. JERRY: But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that. GEORGE: Well, go ahead! Do it! JERRY: Why can't I? GEORGE: No reason! JERRY: You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works!
TOBY: Well, how would you like it if I called security? JERRY: Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo! <Kramer arrives just as Toby gets upset and storms out.> KRAMER: Wait a second, what's happenin' here? Toby! Toby! <Cut to a scene of the street outside. We hear screeching tires and Toby screaming, "My pinky toe!" Kramer is heard yelling "Toby!" and is shown with a shocked expression on his face.> New scene - Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE: This is unprecedented! JERRY: There's no precedent, baby! GEORGE: What...are you using my babies now? New scene - Toby in her office at Pendant. Jerry pokes his head in the door.
KRAMER: What did you go up there to heckle her for? JERRY: Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine! <George enters.>
KRAMER: Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright. JERRY: Well, I didn't want her to have an accident. GEORGE: What accident? KRAMER: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe. GEORGE: That's unbelievable!
GEORGE: You're Batman. KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know - at the next stop. JERRY: You kept makin' all the stops? KRAMER: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
KRAMER: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
GEORGE: Well, what about the toe? What happened to the toe?
GEORGE: You ran?
KRAMER: Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.
KRAMER: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it."
GEORGE: You did all this...for a pinky toe? KRAMER: Well, it's a valuable appendage.
GEORGE: Holy cow! KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " <Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut> - knocked him out cold! GEORGE: How could you do that?! KRAMER: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
New scene - Elaine in her office at work, talking with two co-workers. JOANNE: So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached it. ELAINE: Really. JOANNE: Poor kid. What an ordeal. MICHAEL: And you know how extremely sensitive she is...she's gonna need our full support. ELAINE (wearily): Yeah, right. OTHER CO-WORKERS IN HALLWAY: Look who's here! Toby! <Toby enters on crutches.>
MICHAEL: Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?
is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon as possible. ELAINE: Oh, wonderful!
TOBY: Oh no, I'll be fine... <A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over Toby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.>
KRAMER: You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept a smile on her face. ELAINE: Oh, of course! She's deranged.
New scene - Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.
New scene - Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club.
JERRY: She got the promotion? ELAINE (standing in the doorway): Yep. JERRY: Why? ELAINE: I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
JERRY: So, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article. RONNIE: I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them? JERRY: Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!
JERRY: Too bad. ELAINE: Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for? JERRY: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
RONNIE: How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it. JERRY: Well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand. RONNIE: Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.
ELAINE: Why don't you just shut the fJERRY: Yeah, well, won't be long. KRAMER (from his doorway): Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? Toby got promoted! ELAINE: Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, remember??
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld! JERRY: Gotta go. <heads out on stage> <George enters and sees Robin working.>
KRAMER: Yeah, and you know what she told me? She said her first order of business
GEORGE: Robin? Robin!
ROBIN: George, what is it? I'm working.
ROBIN: George! This is Ronnie Kaye!
GEORGE: Robin, listen to me. The most amazing thing has happened. Kramer has opened my eyes. I think I've changed.
GEORGE: The prop comic? <Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.> Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut?
ROBIN: What are you talking about? RONNIE (points to his nose): Nostrils. GEORGE: O.k....<is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.>
<Jerry comes backstage.>
JERRY: I mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really need "the clown" in his title, as clown? Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...
JERRY: George - could I have a word?
Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin.
Jerry's stand-up #2: I was in a hotel the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life it's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin' from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'
GEORGE: ...you'll see, things will be different now - if you just give me one more chance. ROBIN: Listen...I gotta think about this. <walks away.> GEORGE: Alright, but I'm serious about this. RONNIE (points his water gun at the bartender): Alright, hand it over man! Cut back to Jerry onstage. JERRY: ...that's why men hunt and women nest. GEORGE (from backstage): He's got a gun! He's got a gun! <Tries to flee the bar in a mad panic. The audience in the club also goes nuts and heads for the exits. Jerry stands onstage, perplexed.> Cut back to George in the bar.
Commercial break.
originally posted on http://www.geocities.com/tnguym End of episode. Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 6, 2002.
Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't Home Full Scripts Community Episodes Guide Characters Details Cast Details Quotes Seinfeld Gift Shop Festivus Info Superman References Watch Online Search in site
even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the ocean throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle in, the ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub and the waves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really mean bouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and rough you
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up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in like 25 miles?"
% Jerry driving in his car, with Elaine in passenger seat and Kramer in back seat.
Kramer: All right, get off at the next exit. Episode 85 Transcript by Ethan Brown
Opening Monologue: Look at the work people do to get to the ocean. They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand.
Jerry: Kramer, I've driven to the Hamptons many times, I know the exit.
Kramer: It's a great house, pool's something? Yeah, I'll be there.
Jerry: (To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move?
Elaine: Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending the weekend together?
Elaine: We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it.
Jerry: I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
Jerry: Didn't they just have a baby? Elaine: That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the
Elaine: When's Rachel comin' out?
Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!' Jerry: She's makin' the three o'clock train. Jerry: Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
Elaine: Her father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.
Kramer: Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear? Jerry: I bought him some kishka. Jerry: No. Kramer: What's that? Kramer: Put that on the top of your list. Jerry: It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In Jerry: No, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane should be almost there by now.
case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them.
% George and Jane in another car driving to the Hamptons. Jane: Are we almost there? George: I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love. George: Yeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But I have to stop at a Jane: Me too. I love cough medicine.
vegetable stand.
George: You see? We were made for each other. (Thinking to himself) It's
Jane: What for?
amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and
George: My mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes.
throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
Jane: What's your favorite?
George: Pertussin. Ever try it with club soda?
Jane: Can you buy 'em later? I really wanna get some... sun.
% George, Jane, Kramer, and Jerry outside of the house in the back.
Kramer: Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.
Jane: No. Jerry: Who are you, Mrs. Robinson? George: Oh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) Sex is like joining a
Kramer: Come on, I'll rub some on yours.
private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.
Jerry: No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.
Jerry: And then there's Maude. (She sits down next to Jerry) George: (To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.
Elaine: Look at my face, look at it. You see any lines?
Jane: (No feeling in her voice) You must've been excited.
Jerry: No lines.
Elaine: You know why? One word: shade. George: Yeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get these tomatoes. You wanna go for a ride?
Jerry: So when're we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event?
Jane: I don't think so. Elaine: I don't know. They're takin' a nap or something. George: 'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes? Kramer: I'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you Jerry: No thanks.
wanna come?
Kramer: No. (George leaves for the tomatoes)
Elaine: (Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends.
Jane: I'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for beach, Elaine enters
Jerry: (Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
with a shady hat on) Elaine: What?
Elaine: What? Jerry: Jane's topless. (They all look) Kramer: You know, get some good word of mouth goin'. Kramer: Yo yo ma. Jerry: Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane Jerry: Boutros Boutros-Ghali. enters) Elaine: Nice rack. (Carol and Michael inside open back door)
Carol: Come on, you guys. You can come on and see the bay-bee!
Jane: I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?
Jerry: No thanks.
Elaine: I'm good. Jerry: Oh, in a minute, Carol.
Kramer: We're gonna be right there.
Kramer: Deh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, show's over. I'm goin' to the beach.
Jerry: This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet. % Carol enters the Bay-bee's room with Elaine, Jerry, and husband Michael Elaine: Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?
Kramer: Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
not far behind.
Carol: Adam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine are here.
Elaine: Oh, he's a cute little shnugly baby. Jerry: Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen? Carol: Isn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at baby, only to be frightened and turn away)
Elaine: Ugghh.
Carol: Is she gorgeous? (Elaine + Jerry looking away)
Elaine: Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit) And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them.
Elaine: Oh, gorgeous, yes. Elaine: Oh, you have to lie. Jerry: So very gorgeous. Jerry: It's a must lie situation. Carol: Michael, shut the door! You're letting bugs in.
Elaine: Yes, it's a must lie situation.
% Cut to Kramer on the beach with some girls, then using a metal detector,
Jerry: You know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless.
then seeing a rope leading to something he doesn't know of yet. Elaine: No, I don't think so. % Jerry and Elaine gasping for air outside after they just left the baby's room.
Jerry: You know, we might want to tell Kramer.
% Cut to Kramer reeling in a box of lobster on the ocean.
Ben: A beautiful woman like you should. You're quite breathtaking.
% Carol and the bay-bee's doctor with the bay-bee. Elaine: Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking? Ben: Oh this ointment should do it. Carol: And he's very particular. Ben, you're staying tonight, right? Carol: How are you feeling, Adam? (She sees Elaine in the hall) Elaine! (Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa.
Ben: Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself as Jerry enters and quickly looks away from the baby)
Elaine: Hi. Jerry: Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station. Carol: Look at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is he? I ask you, how gorgeous? Elaine: Yeah, see ya. Elaine: (Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous. Jerry: Okay. (He leaves) Ben: Elaine, you have children? Carol: Oh, just look at him! Elaine: Me? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, I mean, I can't wait to
Ben: Yeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine confused by his
have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby. comment)
% Jerry and Rachel outside. and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of Rachel: Train was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong
lobster)
way. Kramer: Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got! Jerry: Oh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes
George: Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside)
outside) Jerry: You got lobster for everybody? George: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna go in there to change.
Kramer: Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean.
(She leaves) George: This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for George: What kind of a greeting was that?
dinner...
Jerry: She's got greeting problems.
Kramer: I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. (Jerry shows that 'damn' expression behind George)
George: Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never took on as a hand fruit.
Jerry: Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup
George: You saw who, what?
Kramer: Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.
Kramer: No, no, she got up, walked around... Jerry: (Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right. George: Walked around? And you looked? George: You saw Jane topless? Kramer: Of course. She's got a great body, buddy. All right, I'm gonna go Jerry: Well, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless.
upstairs, I'll be right back.
George: Oh you mean face down on her chest.
George: I can't believe it, you saw her before me.
Jerry: No.
Jerry: Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside again)
George: Face up on her back? George: Well, how good a look did you get? Jerry: Yeah. Jerry: Well what'd you mean? George: Well why'd she do that? George: Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police Kramer: I guess she was hot.
sketch artist...
George: You mean she just laid there topless?
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
George: Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked.
Jerry: I've never been called breathtaking either.
Jerry: I guess that's true... Elaine: I mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not George: Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like
breathtaking?
this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit. Jerry: Maybe he just said it because the mother was in the room. Jerry: What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked? Elaine: Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out. George: Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime. Jerry: How are you gonna do that? Jerry: You can see me naked. I can offer you that.
George: It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first.
Elaine: I can be very clever.
Rachel: I'm gonna take a swim.
Elaine: Oh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She goes in the hall and sees
% Jerry and Rachel in their room, with Elaine there as well.
George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.
Elaine: Nobody ever called me breathtaking before.
George: Oh, okay. (Starts to walk other way and then walks to their room
and goes in)
Rachel: Hey!
George: No, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum.
Jerry: Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum.
George: Oh, sorry. George: Yes, because the water was cold... and the chewing warms me up. Rachel: Don't you knock? Rachel: We don't have any gum. George: I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never seen before.
George: Okay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues to chew as he exits)
Jerry: You might have.
Rachel: Strange man.
George: I didn't.
Jerry: Wait'll you get to know him.
Jerry: You won't.
Rachel: So where is this baby, anyway?
Rachel: What'd you want anyway, George?
Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so
Jerry: Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you want?
objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)
Rachel: (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's Jerry: Oh... You mean... shrinkage. room. I'm really sorry. (She exits) George: Yes. Significant shrinkage! George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool! Jerry: So you feel you were short changed. % Jerry and George talking in Jerry's room.
George: Did she do it on purpose?
George: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
Jerry: It was my fault, I told her the wrong door. Jerry: Well, so what's the difference? George: I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me. George: What if she discusses it with Jane? Jerry: So what? Jerry: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane. George: Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
George: How do you know?
Jerry: But...
Jerry: Women aren't like us.
George: Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was
George: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about
cold...
everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. Jerry: No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
George: How do women know about shrinkage? (They see Elaine walking down the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?
% Everyone at the dinner table eating Kramer's lobster.
Michael: Thanks for the lobster, Kramer.
Kramer: Rachel, aren't you gonna have any?
Rachel: Oh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't eat shellfish.
George: No. Kramer: You mean you've never tasted lobster? Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards... Rachel: No. Elaine: It shrinks? Kramer: Wow. You're so pious. I really respect that. You know when you Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
die, you're gonna get some special attention.
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
Carol: Oh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him. He can sit with us.
George: It just does. Elaine + Jerry: No!
Jerry: No, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable.
George: You know, it's very impolite to tell secrets. Are you talking about me?
Elaine: Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here. We're not fun for a baby.
Jane: What is it with you?
Jerry: Yeah, the lobster'll scare him.
Jerry: (To George) Easy big fella.
Carol: I'm gonna get him.
Michael: So Kramer, where'd you get all these lobster, at the Fleesher's Market?
George: See, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things.
Elaine: Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel whispers in Jane's ear, which prompts Jane to laugh)
George: What're you doing? What're you, telling secrets? What're you laughing at?
Jane: It's nothing, George.
Kramer: No, I got 'em in the ocean.
Michael: The ocean? What'd you mean?
Kramer: Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these lobsters came up.
Michael: Those are commercial lobster traps. You can't take those lobsters from there. That's against the law.
Kramer: Take it easy. There's plenty of lobsters in the ocean for
Elaine: Some house, huh?
everyone. Ben: It was built by Mark Farman. Michael: My father was a lobsterman. He got up every morning at four and came home every night stinking of brine. He sent me through law
Elaine: Some ugly baby, huh?
Ben: What did you say?
school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table) Elaine: I said, uh, some snuggly baby. Carol: (Entering with baby) Here he is. Ben: He is something. Kramer: Ahhh! (Falls to floor as he sees the baby)
% Out on the porch, Ben and Elaine.
Elaine: Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.
Elaine: Some night, huh?
Ben: Yeah, I wish I had my telescope.
Ben: Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was being nice to
Elaine: Some dinner, huh? her or to the baby) Ben: Nothing like fresh caught lobster. % Rachel and Jerry in their room.
Jerry: You told her?
George: And she didn't say something to you about a certain something?
Rachel: Yeah, what's the big deal?
Jane: I don't know what you're talking about.
Jerry: You don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic.
George: *I* think that *you* think that a certain *something* is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* be, and
Rachel: Jerry, what the difference? You know, you're the ones obsessed
*more*!
with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane. Jane: I'm sure it is. % In Jane + George's room, Jane is packing her things.
George: You're going back to New York now?
George: Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.
% Rachel enters the kitchen with Kramer sitting at table. Rachel opens fridge and Kramer lights up a cigar.
Jane: Yeah, I have some things to do.
George: Uh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel,
Kramer: Looking for this? (Holding up lobster)
that's what I think. Rachel: Oh, Kramer! You startled me. Jane: So what if I did? Kramer: Well, I thought you might wind up around here.
Rachel: Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was
Jerry: Oh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the
enjoying the lobster so much. I thought I little taste wouldn't hurt, huh?
night. (Rachel shocked)
Kramer: I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
Rachel: Why not?
% Breakfast table the next morning, George cooking.
Carol: George, thanks so much for making breakfast.
Kramer: Well, that wouldn't be kosher. Elaine: George, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted. Rachel: C'mon, Kramer. I really want to try it. Kramer: I didn't know you could cook. Kramer: Nah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.
George: Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host.
Rachel: Come on, Kramer. Ben: Yes, George, the whole breakfast is breathtaking. (Rachel Kramer: Heyahhh!
and Jerry enter)
% Rachel walks back into Jerry's bedroom.
Rachel: Good morning.
Rachel: I just heard a car drive out. What was that?
All: Hey, hey.
Rachel: Kramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really
Jerry: Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like
saved me.
this?
Michael: What happened?
Rachel: Umm... This is so good.
Rachel: Well, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me.
George: Ah, enjoying them?
Rachel: Mm-hmm. Kramer: You'd regret it for the rest of your life. George: Uh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of Rachel: You're right, I would have. these. (Holds up lobster bib) Jerry: (Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy.
George: A little breakfast.
Rachel: There's lobster in these eggs?
George: Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water. (Rachel storms out of room)
Jerry: Yeah. Jerry: Well, I guess I gotta go, too. George: (To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right? Elaine: Well, this has turned out to be one *helluva* weekend. (Policeman Rachel: Yes, I do, thanks. knocks on door, Michael answers)
Elaine: Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same Michael: Excuse me? car with you either. Police: I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to track down a lobster
Jerry: I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer.
poacher that cleaned out on of the traps.
Kramer: Wonder what's goin' on.
George: Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize.
Michael: There he is, officer. (Michael points to Kramer, Kramer
Elaine: How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine?
Jerry: They got some sort of program.
% Cut to Kramer picks up trash on the side of the road, watched by a police officer. Back to the car.
waves to policeman)
% George walks into Jerry and Rachel's room.
George: Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more.
Jerry: Hey, isn't that Michael's car? Rachel: Ahh! Don't you ever knock? Elaine: There's Rachel. % Jerry, Elaine, and George in the car.
George: I don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael to town.
George: Where? (He looks out window and gets hit by a tomato)
End.
source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of our <Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
jacket. "I have a snot rag."
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* We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne.
Home
Mr Lippman : Well, you're really on your way now.
The Opposite Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Mr. Lippman : To your promotion. Elaine : Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
* Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently. Elaine : You really oughtta do something about that cold. * Cut to Monk's
* Opening monologue Jerry : It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their
Jerry : You got a raise?
handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back
Jerry : I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got
Elaine : They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the
Elaine : I don't fool around, baby!
Jerry : Oh, when did that happen?
Elaine : They're signing the papers next week.
( A waitress comes up to G )
Jerry : Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?
Waitress : Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
Elaine : Yeah, they'll definitely do it now. Jerry : Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
George : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.
Elaine : Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.
Elaine : Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry : Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you.
Jerry : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
* Enter George George : Good for the tuna. Jerry : Speaking of having it all ... Where were you?
( A blonde looks at George )
George : I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange looks )
Elaine : Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
Jerry : Oh, the beach.
George : So what? What am I supposed to do?
George : It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. Jerry : What is it that isn't working? George : Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
Elaine : Go talk to her. George : Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women. Jerry : Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them. George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do
Jerry : You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee? Kramer : Oh, you better believe it! Jerry : I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
something! Kramer : No,no,no. ( He goes over to the woman ) Jerry : What're you gonna talk about? George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Kramer : Well, coffee tables. ( The phone rings )
Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me. ( G takes a deep breath ) George : My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. Victoria : I'm Victoria. Hi. * Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone. Jerry : Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. ( Enter Kramer )
Jerry : Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. ( Turns to K ) Jerry : You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money. Kramer : You know who you are? Even Steven *Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving Victoria : Are you growing a beard? George : Why shave every day? It just grows right back.
Kramer : Hey. Buddy, it's all happening! Victoria : I guess ... Jerry : What's happening? Kramer : The coffee table book. It's a go! Jerry : Oh yeah, I heard all about it. Kramer : You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop : Regis and Kathy Lee.
George : I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work. ( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver )
Victoria : Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?!
George : I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
George : Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.
* Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone
* Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria
Theater Manager : Excuse me, is your name Elaine?
Man no.1 : Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?
Elaine : Yes.
Man no.2 : Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
Theater Manager : Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here? Elaine : Yeah.
( They kick G and Victoria's seats ) Victoria : What are we gonna do? Shall we just move?
Theater Manager : Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident. Elaine : An accident? What happened?
George : That won't be necessary. ( G gets up and turns towards the two men )
Theater Manager : He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent
George : Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll
Hospital, room 907.
shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
Elaine : Could I have a box of Jujyfruit?
Elaine : Oh. Ok. Thank you. ( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter )
* Cut to hospital ( People applaud as G sits down again ) * Cut to G's car Victoria : Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty.
Jake : So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.
George : I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
Elaine : ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening.
Victoria : Who are you, George Costanza?
( Jake looks at E eating )
Elaine : You want one?
* Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's having a poker night.
Jake : No thanks. Elaine : So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
Man no.1 : Ah, whaddya say we call it a night? Man no.2 : Good idea, I'm kinda tired.
Jake : Where did you get those? Man no.3 : How'd you do? Elaine : At the movies. Man no.4 : Won 50. Jake : Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?
Man no.2 : Lost 72.
Elaine : Yeah, he did.
Man no.1 : Won 37.
Jake : Then when did you get those?
Man no.3 : Lost 15.
Elaine : Right after ... that ...
Jerry : Broke even.
Jake : So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?
* Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee"
Elaine : Well... the counter...was right there, and...
Kathy Lee : Please, please.
Jake : I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you. Elaine : No, no, it does! Jake : If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!
Regis : Can I bring out our next guest now?
Regis : Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part Kathy Lee : I love this. Regis : It's a coffee table book about coffee tables! Kathy Lee : Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever!
Elaine : But...Jake... Jake : I would like to be alone now, please.
Regis : I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage?
Elaine : But, Jake, I didn't...
Kathy Lee : I did.
Jake : Goodnight!
Regis : I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?
Kathy Lee : I love his hair. Regis : Did I tell you this guy was bonkos? Regis : Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer!
Kathy Lee : This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )
Kramer : That's true. That's right.
Kathy Lee : I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!
Regis : Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?
Regis : Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea?
Kramer : Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points to his head )
Kramer : Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time. Regis : You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books!
Regis : I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is! Kathy Lee : But he's adorable. ( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress ) Regis : We'll be right back.
Kramer : Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school! Kathy Lee : Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one. Kramer : You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.
* Cut to Jerry's apartment Jerry : So it's all over? Elaine : Yeah, it got pretty nasty. Jerry : And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit? Elaine : It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.
( Demonstrates with his book ) Jerry : Why didn't you eat it in the cab? Kathy Lee : Is that fabulous? Regis : Look at this!
Elaine : Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.
Kathy Lee : Is that fabulous?
( E points to the table )
Regis : Fabulous!
Elaine : What's all this?
Kathy Lee : I want one of these.
Jerry : Played cards last night.
Elaine : Oh yeah? How'd you do?
life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
Jerry : Broke even.
Jerry: Bad.
Elaine : You always break even.
George : Day was -
Jerry : Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out!
Elaine : Night.
Elaine : Do you have twenty bucks?
George : Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
Jerry : What for? Elaine : Just gimme twenty bucks. ( E takes the money and throws it out the window ) Jerry : What the hell was that? Elaine : Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. Jerry : You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back. Elaine : You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
George : Yes! Jerry : So you just did the opposite of everything?
Jerry : So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ. ( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket ) Jerry : Elaine ... look! A twenty! Elaine : Oh my God. * Cut to Mr.Lippman's office
Jerry : Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first.
Kramer : Hey boss. Mr. Lippman : Kramer. Come in.
( George comes in ) George : Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my
Kramer : How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian )
Mr. Lippman : Have a seat. Kramer : What, have you got yourself a cold? ( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair ) Kramer : Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids. Mr. Lippman : The reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and Kramer : It was pretty good, huh? ( New sneeze, K jumps again ) Mr. Lippman : Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more of these shows. Kramer : Because of the coffee thing? Mr.Lippman : Kramer, I'm sorry. ... End of Volume 3 out of 4.... F, 3 Concluzie Batut, ca ma pocaiesc in tratament.