Issue08 - Activism

0423 2014

ART, MUSIC, FASHION & ACTIVISM

FEMMELDEHYDE 1

CONTENTS

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photo feature: john fernandez

letter from the editors liketivism by timothy morrison ed’s dead by tim sandik seven steps to successfuly start student social good projects by daniel francavilla fashion feature: kilambi papa t.o. by viktoria hynynen the changing tide by laura mannix gardner bridge is falling down by afton arlana art feature: sean martindale breaking the silence by anthony wright here is your revolution by megan duckworth gallery review: culture shock mental illness. there, i’ve said it by jenna vanderende turn that frown upside-down by chelsea la vecchia music feature: immortal jellyfish literature feature: from the margins

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Our photography feature for issue08 – the activist issue – is Toronto-based photojournalist John Steven Fernandez. Currently finishing up with Seneca College’s photography program, Fernandez has a special talent for capturing human emotion in his photographs. His work documents and immortalizes important social and political moments in our city’s history such as the G20 protests and Jack Layton’s funeral. What’s remarkable is his ability to capture beauty in these poignant moments, both emotionally and aesthetically. All photos in this issue were shot by Fernandez unless otherwise stated

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editors’ notes editor’s note

readers, I will start by saying that the activist issue is unlike anything we’ve done before with FEMMELDEHYDE. The pieces in this issue are highly charged and opinionated, and our featured artists’ works are both powerful and empowering. The way I see it is that art is always an outlet for dialogic exchange, only what you’re saying will vary in different situations. This time around we wanted to bring together voices and works that speak to broader social issues, offering them a platform to be heard from.

This issue focuses around ideas of gender, sexuality, race, human rights, mental health, the urban landscape and ecological issues. Many of the individual pieces in this issue intersect in ideas, and as a result we get a sort of dialogue between voices.

Where you situate yourself in this dialogue will depend entirely upon your own position, but my hope is that whether you agree or disagree you will read with an open mind.

This time around, we’re here to celebrate artists, activists, and activist-artists. It’s certainly a departure from our previous issues, and I hope you enjoy it.

Erika xx

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I’ve been somewhat strained in understanding the current, emotionally complex use of the term activist. The word invokes unfortunate and often counterproductive feelings. It seems that it’s now used in a condescending manner. But why? Why should consuming locally grown food, using eco-friendly cleaning items, and speaking out against seal-clubbing hold a negative connotation? Are we living in a fallacy?

While activism shall realistically be considered counterculture in the West, it has nonetheless been integrally sewn into our society. There is an idea being perpetuated that activism is merely something thrown on-and-off as easily as a day’s outfit.

And as this idea is being perpetuated, those participating may face inimical ideals.

Issue08’s purpose is to provide a medium to clearly communicate this culture through articles developed by combining research, personal experience, and opinion. (Think of it as a proverbial soapbox, where multiple individuals climb atop speaking out on a variety of societal issues.) It seems that today most will refer to our generation as apathetic, lazy, and incapable in the proliferation of change. This is where complexities begin to occur. We now live in an easy time to be an activist. While at the same time the hardest, preconceived negative notions could chisel away at the rooted aims. As you flip forward, you will find doers right here in our city that are rocking this apparent outbreak of apathy through word and art.

With love, Lindsey xx

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contributor

LIKETIVISM timothy morrison

When you don’t like what’s being said, you change the conversation. When you don’t like the way the world is spinning, you change its ‘angular momentum.’ And when you don’t like injustices plaguing your fellow human beings, you ‘Like’ it on Facebook – right?

In our not-so distant past, we clenched our fists until the whites of our knuckles reddened and fought. We orchestrated coup d’états, removed monarchies that lasted dynasties and got McDonald’s to bring back the McRib. Albeit, for a limited time.

For the sake of enlightenment, let’s look at France in the late 1700s. It was an awful time to be an aristocrat.

A self-proclaimed locksmith named King Louis XVI and his dame Marie Antoinette, spent lavishly, starved their country and lost their heads over it. It took a while, but the French decided a laissez-faire attitude wasn’t going to put cake on their plates. Maximilien Robespierre rallied a band of merry bourgeoisie, removed the House of Bourbon and beheaded their opposition. They even stimulated the guillotine industry.

Across the pond, the U.S. may now seem like canon fodder, but they have the single greatest track record for standing up for human rights. They were even illegally founded under that principle. They went to war with themselves to end slavery, fought in the streets for women’s suffrage and killed each other to abolish apartheid. Unfortunately, progression is slowly slipping away.

Now with the click of a mouse, you can ‘feed’ starving children, ‘end’ genocide and ‘save’ a puppy or two. And this is perfectly acceptable. But as soon as soulless advertisers begin to poke the bear, we have a problem.

An NGO out of Singapore released a campaign

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expressing what we were all thinking. Through disaster, heartbreaking images and a bunch of seemingly Caucasian thumbs, the agency made the issue clear, “Liking isn’t helping.”

I’ve even seen Facebook images of children with cancer being gamified for ‘Likes’ and comments. I’m going to paraphrase one from memory, “Like this photo if you want to save this angel or comment to pray for them.”

The sentiment is nice, but it’s actually extraordinary. The engagement on these posts is higher than a brand could afford with a health media buy. But what’s the point? It isn’t going to end cancer or save somebody. It doesn’t change anything, it enables our society’s apathy.

Remember the KONY 2012 movement? I do. I was a victim of the earnestness of the cause. For only $20 (plus applicable taxes and delivery fees), I could buy a wild posting kit, stop a masochist and help save lives. How could that have gone wrong? Well, it did.

I’m in no way claiming that people around the world aren’t actively pursuing change. I’m not even claiming that people in the West are compliant. I’m claiming that people complain, demand action and sit passively by while clicking away.

It’s going to be interesting in the future when slacktivism, clicktivism and liketivism can actually make change, but our present vision for ‘tivism’ won’t do anything.

If you want change in your life, make it. You don’t have to start a revolution, but keep your interests at heart. Think you deserve more money at work? Ask for that raise. Still in love with that special someone from high school? Kiss ‘em. Tired of your nine-to-five desk job? Quit it and grow potatoes in Guatemala. But don’t let everything slip by you.

contributor

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by tim sandik

ed’s dead

Toronto is losing Honest Ed’s. Why is this revolutionary retailer important?

For one, its eye-catching carnival-style signage has illuminated and brought character to Toronto’s beloved Annex district for over 70 years.

Opened by Ed Mirvish in 1948, Honest Ed’s became the world’s first true bargain store, with thousands of items to choose from, all at extreme discount prices. You’ll rarely find a product there above cost; a mindboggling success that caused the store to expand to an entire city block in the late 1950s. Inside, Ed’s key role in the revitalization of the theater scene in Toronto is manifested by hundreds of signed headshots and paraphernalia all over the walls. The immediate area around the store is now called Mirvish Village, a unique shopping area featuring boutiques, book stores, galleries, antique shops, cafes, bars and restaurants.

In October 2013, David Mirvish announced that Honest Ed’s had been sold to Westbank Properties, a luxury developer of Hotels, residences and office space. The store will continue to rent the space and operate for the next two to three years, after which the future of this Toronto landmark is unknown. One can only hope that portions of this great historical site will be preserved -- the following is my humble contribution.

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contributor

SEVEN STEPS TO SUCCESSFULLY START STUDENT SOCIAL GOOD PROJECTS by daniel francavilla

Taking Action for Social Good?

Here’s 7 Tips to Start Strong There are infinite opportunities to for youth to volunteer and “get involved” both locally and globally – but what about those interested in starting their own projects?

What about the young changemakers that are inspired, or have an idea, and are looking to take the next step?

Having founded ACCESS as a high-school student, I’ve realized that there is a disconnect between inspiration and action, especially at the youth level. For the mostpart, students in high school and post-secondary institutions are presented with opportunities to volunteer, join clubs, or attend one-off personal development sessions. These are all great, and I encourage you to explore all the opportunities available that interest you – but few to none of these allow you, as a student, to truly create, lead, and innovate something unique and take the core action into your own hands and continue beyond those set initiatives or events.

If you’re inspired and motivated and want to take

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action to create positive social change in your own way, I encourage you to do so. Having run ACCESS for nearly 7 years as a youth-lead organization, we’ve had our ups and downs and periods of growth, changing teams, funding success, and various partnerships. Now, ACCESS is here to help youth start and build their own projects out to their full potential, in our new ACCESS Innovation program including workshops, incubation, mentorship and conferences.

To help along the way, here are a few of my tips for Youth Taking Action for Social Good: 1 • Focus on the Issue What is the problem you’re trying to solve? What is the pain point you’re working to alleviate? Although you’ll have many opportunities for events, partnerships and more, keep in mind your core issue and mission, and evaluate how it relates to everything you do. (Your mission may evolve and expand, but it’s key to keep it focused, especially at first)

2 • Be Accountable From the beginning be accountable to yourself, to the people you’re helping, to the cause, and to your team (once you have one). This means setting goals, keeping track of your tasks, having a schedule of events that you actually get out and go to. Being a young changemaker is not easy, and it’s easy to fall-off track, so you need to stay accountable to yourself.

merging, if the opportunity exists and benefits all).

Some can be short-term partners (a fellow non-profit co-hosting an event), and some can be mentors from larger institutions (school boards, churches, granting organizations). Be open, evaluate, and make choices for social good.

3 • Have Fun The world has a huge amount of serious, sometimes depressing problems that need to be solved, and there’s always more work to be done. As a committed young activist, you’re going to be in this for the long haul, so you’ll need to enjoy it! Get friends involved when they can, host events that are enjoyable, use humour in your messaging and materials (when appropriate, of course), be enthusiastic and have a great time sending emails and scheduling meetings. Make the day-to-day enjoyable so you and your team will continue creating change.

4 • Start Small Again, there’s an infinite amount of issues in the world (and in your local community) that could be addressed, and your project itself could expand in many directions.

Start with a small, dedicated team (even if that’s just you, or 2 of you, for a while). Keep your programming focused (rather than running 6 kinds of programs and events, maybe choose 2 types and do them really well all year; or instead of aiming to solve world hunger, research a certain region or town that could benefit greatly from your focused assistance).

5 • Be Present Although you may be working really hard via email, doing research and having meetings, nobody else really knows it, and that’s not great for your project/program or cause.

Be active on social media – don’t spam and overwhelm people, but regularly update followers and friends on your project and the issue you’re addressing. That way, when people are interested or have an opportunity for you, they’ll have you and your cause top of mind.

6 • Collaborate This is a big one. As a young activist, you’ll be faced with “competition” – fellow youth, or large organizations doing similar work, even in the same areas or in your community. There is nothing wrong with exploring the option of collaboration. It takes courage and selflessness to approach another group proposing a collaboration (whether they’re larger or also a startup), but keep your goals in mind. If you can be stronger together, than consider partnering and working together (or even

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7 • Evaluate and Seek Advice Every so often you should evaluate your progress, your goals and direction, and seek feedback and input. Meet mentors and share your project and your future goals.

There’s nothing wrong with updating your direction, finetuning your programs, or even re-locating if it makes sense. Don’t be discouraged, but always take criticism into consideration. You have not chosen an easy path, but in the end if you’re dedicated and patient your impact can definitely be worth it.

If you’re seriously considering starting your own innovative project, program, or organization and would like to discuss support options, please contact innovation@accesscharity.ca.

Daniel Francavilla is the Founder and Executive Director of ACCESS (and Speak Up for Change). As a youth-lead non-profit, ACCESS educates, empowers, and inspires youth to drive positive change. Originally founded to help students access education in developing countries, ACCESS has grown to focus on social innovation and youth social entrepreneurship, continuing to inspire, educate, and empower youth to create change locally and globally.

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fashion feature

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KILAMBI

The conception of Kilambi is that of community, however a global one at that. With part of the company stationed in Canada, and the other in Kenya it truly conveys how small this big world can be. Owners Tanya Castle and Kimberly Lochhead supercede the boundaries of space and time, collaborating worldwide on a line that tells a story through each piece. Their ethically-made clothing company has compounded together contrasting cultures using African fabrics in North American cuts, and has allowed for sustainable work opportunities within a culturally-rich continent. Kilambi occurs as the result of a collective knowledge, bringing together a range of skills in production of a single initiative. (lindsey omelon) LO: So, right away, I was completely impressed with this global partnership you two have built. How does it work?

TC: Kilambi partners with an ecological, ethical, and rural manufacturer in Kenya to make its bold and beautiful clothing. After visiting the manufacturer, discussing its philosophy, learning about its operations and reading about its work I made the decision to partner with this manufacturer over beginning her own or working with another. Having lived and worked in many developing countries, I knew this manufacturer was for Kilambi based on its location, environmental and social policies.

What really stuck out was the quality of the factory, social security offered, and services such as daycare available for employees.

LO: I’ve seen pictures you post of where Kilambi is manufactured. It’s incredible how the internet/social media have helped in allowing transparency in the industry. Do you think too much transparency could possibly be a negative thing/controversial?

TC: The Internet and social media have allowed insight into nearly all corners of the world, it only makes sense that this translates into the fashion industry. These tools have certainly led to greater transparency in an industry that has traditionally been opaque to the public and we welcome this. It is important for men and women to know where their clothes are coming from, how they are made, and by whom, in what conditions. The fashion and clothing manufacturing industry still has a long way to go and we hope that we are part of the change.

kilambi design

KL: People feel more connected to Kilambi and their purchased garment when they can actually see where and how it’s being made. We want our customers to know that when they buy Kilambi, they are also supporting the men

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and women at our partner’s factory. This type of connection is something rare and unique – it’s not found with other clothing companies, especially those in ‘fast fashion.’ The Internet and social media have also helped us connect with other like-minded companies and individuals looking to spread the word about Africa’s incredible talent, especially in the fashion industry. It allows us to reach a truly global audience and extend our reach beyond Canada and Kenya.

LO: When and how did you meet in order for Kilambi to flourish? Tell me about your journey…

KL: Kilambi is the brainchild of Tanya, but as they say in Africa it takes a village to raise a child, so the business would not be where it is now without partnerships with Eunice Kimondo and Kimberly Lochhead - myself - and support from friends, family, and retailers like Victoire willing to take a chance on us at its Toronto and Ottawa stores.

Tanya and I studied together in Ottawa at Carleton University more than seven years ago, while Eunice and Tanya worked together for a radio station in Rwanda six years ago, I also spent time in the tiny East African country but prior to Eunice and Tanya. Tanya kept in touch with all of us and is the connector. She approached us with the idea separately and we immediately joined up, sharing her vision, and passion. She has been working around the world for more than 6 years as a journalist, women’s rights advocate and international development professional with the UN and other international organizations. During this time Tanya developed a strong desire to share the beauty, skill and culture of Africa with North America and clothing was the natural outlet given she originally went into journalism to be a fashion journalist! Somewhere along the way, she ended up in Rwanda, Cameroon, Congo,

the magnificent continent.

Kimberly has experience at FLARE and Toronto Fashion Week.

We’re both members of the Toronto Fashion Incubator and attended various courses and seminars last fall to get a handle on our brand and its business aspects.

kilambi design

LO: Can you describe the role each of you play in Kilambi?

Describe your average day.

Lebanon, Kosovo, Yemen and various other countries.

Back in Canada, I focused on my journalism career in Ottawa before heading to Toronto to intern at FLARE Magazine and gain greater insights into the Canadian fashion industry. While at FLARE, Kimberly also volunteered at World MasterCard Fashion Week to submerse herself in the culture and learn more about great Canadian designers. She’s written for a number of publications (including Ottawa Life Magazine, enRoute Magazine and EF Magazine) on a range of subjects from fashion and music to politics, the environment, health, technology, travel and human rights.

In Kenya, after returning from two years in Rwanda where Eunice delivered daily news and produced features pieces from across North and East Africa on topics such as human trafficking, regional economic development and more, she married her longtime love and started a family. She is the mother of a beautiful, smart, and feisty little girl. She is also a successful communications professional working in both the private and public sector all the while completing her Master’s degree.

LO: How did Kilambi evolve from an idea?

TC: One of our favourite quotes at Kilambi is “Vision without action is dreaming.” As great as dreaming is, and as important as it is, we feel that steps have to be taken to make that dream a reality so together over the last year we’ve been taking steps to make the dream of Kilambi come true. It’s starting to now and we couldn’t be happier. Every day we take one step forward, whether it’s something as simple as a Facebook post, or as complex as looking into Canadian customs, Kenyan shipping companies or just about anything else that comes our way.

LO: Who is/are the designer(s)?

TC: The designers are us - Tanya and Kimberly – but we have no formal background in design. We do, however, have an immense love of fashion, Africa, and passion for sharing both with the world through classic cuts and bold fabrics inspired by

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KL: We are all very busy and hold other jobs in addition to Kilambi. But every day we all contribute to advancing Kilambi in some way.

Tanya is based in Nairobi and concentrates on the manufacturing and logistics of operations in Kenya while fostering and building partnerships in Kenya and Canada and Kilambi’s social media presence. While at the same time she consults for a global women’s health organization and conducts new business development for a Ugandan based social enterprise that makes hygiene products for girls and women. She is also writing her first Kindle short story titled “Extreme Blind Date” and laying out the outline for her first book “Love, Sex and Adventures Around the World.” She’s a busy bee.

TC: Kimberly is based in Toronto and concentrates on developing Kilambi’s online presence and logistics in Canada, while organizing photo shoots and media relations. She is crucial to Kilambi’s success in Canada. An average day usually begins with various social media posts on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and Twitter, responding to media queries, emails, etc. Since we’re also just launching, Kimberly was responsible for receiving shipments from the Kenyan factory, sorting garments for delivery to our retailers and tagging for inventory. In balancing her workload, she also is a freelance journalist, contributing to various magazines, managing social media campaigns and marketing campaigns.

Eunice is based in Nairobi and is a Kenyan national. She is a full time communications professional working for both the public and private sector and mother to a feisty two-year-old girl. She contributes to Kilambi with financial investment, logistics support and the overall navigation of doing business in Kenya.

...emotions are a huge part of our garments because the bold patterns and colours convey an array of them, whether you want to be loud or more demure, we have fabrics for everyone’s tastes.

LO: What is your background in fashion? How did it all begin for you in order to get to where you are now?

kilambi design

KL: We do not have a background in fashion design but all of us have a love of fashion, design and developing individual style.

As stated above, I interned at FLARE as well as worked at Toronto Fashion Week. As Journalism school peers, we were always interested in fashion journalism and appreciate each other’s sense of style…especially during the freezing winter months in Ottawa. When Tanya approached me with the idea of Kilambi, I was extremely thrilled at the prospect of creating an international brand with ties to our favourite places: Canada and Africa. Since completing a media development initiative in Rwanda, I’ve always wanted to return in some capacity and Kilambi allows me to do this while combining all of my passions.

We call ourselves ‘hustlerpreneurs’ because we’ve been hustling hard to gain awareness of the brand and see our garments in stores. It’s a lot of work but with our Skype meetings between Toronto and Nairobi, we manage to accomplish a lot together.

And we just take one step at a time.

LO: Can you describe the process for your products?

TC: First fabrics are selected in Kenya, many imported from various countries in Africa, shipped to our manufacturer, sewn, packed, sent to Canada, and then to our retail locations.

We are also hoping to introduce online sales in the coming months.

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LO: How do you choose the fabrics?

TC: African fabric production is dynamic across the continent.

Many countries in Africa design and manufacture traditional national fabrics geared towards their own population. But with time these fabric designs have become known beyond state borders and are now shared across the continent. At the same time African fabric and tailoring, much like Western fabric and tailoring changes with the seasons, what is popular one quarter may not be popular the next. There are always new designs and colours. Kilambi uses both traditional designs and modern designs for its clothing, picking fabrics from across the continent with an effort to acquire large quantities. This is sometimes difficult for Kilambi though as fabrics change often, therefore many of our pieces are limited in number.

LO: If you had to choose one product of yours that really speaks to what/who Kilambi is, which would it be?

TC: I love all of our products! But the large floral prints remind me of my time in Congo. Floral prints were popular when I was there as were pictures of the country’s president but I doubt they will take off in Canada the same way. I also drew inspiration from bold colour worn by Congolese women. It made me realize that colour is appropriate at any time!

KL: I’m a HUGE fan of the high-waisted shorts because they’re

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so flattering and can really add a pop of colour to your wardrobe without feeling too loud. My favourite prints are the bright geometrical fabrics – they are a bit louder but it suits my personality best. The great thing about our designs is that they can be dressed up or down and worn throughout the seasons – with tights or bare legs. We wanted to create versatile pieces because colour shouldn’t be saved for spring/summer – I believe it should be worn always. For some people who are hesitant to wear such bold patterns, I suggest they pair it with a simple black top. It’s an easy way to comfortably wear them but also make a beautiful statement. While in Rwanda, I saw many beautiful women wearing these patterns in the traditional way and did purchase my own fabric to create something at home. It’s turquoise with hakuna matata written all over it. Kilambi has given us the vision to turn those fabrics into something wearable that really makes a statement.

LO: If Kilambi was a person, who would it be? Describe his/her character.

TC: Kilambi is in reference to a wonderful woman by the name of Sputnik Kilambi. She was an incredible journalist who served as a mentor, friend and colleague to both Eunice and I in Rwanda and afterwards. She was a tireless and passionate social justice advocate, media trainer and reporter, sharing stories with the world from Africa, Asia and Europe. After several years fighting she lost her battle to cancer in 2013. It is our hope to capture part of her spirit in our clothing- made for strong globally conscious women and men everywhere.

LO: Can you tell me about a specific moment/story that has really reaffirmed your belief in Kilambi? Something that has especially moved you?

TC: One day in October 2013 I was waiting for a streetcar on King St. West, Toronto to take me to the Distillery District.

I was going there to ‘pitch’ stores to carry Kilambi in the spring. I had a pair of our shorts on with tights underneath and was freezing. While waiting, a woman stopped me and said “Oh my gosh, I absolutely love your shorts!” That moment I knew that Kilambi was worth pursuing. Since then there’s not been one specific moment that reaffirmed my belief in Kilambi, there are a collection of moments, a collection of events- big and small.

KL: I wore a pair of the shorts in the winter also with tights to the Ottawa Food and Wine show. I was getting compliments from complete strangers and of course telling them all about our Kilambi venture. The reception on social media especially is fantastic and affirming. People are excited about our garments already and hopefully we’ll create an even larger following. For me personally, when Tanya approached me that fall in 2013, she whipped out a few samples from her bag and it was just an‘ah-ha’ moment – I couldn’t wait to wear them myself! And if I want to wear Kilambi, then I know others will. I would never want to work for a company where I can’t stand behind the product or ever want to wear it.

LO: How do you find Kilambi’s seamstresses in Kenya?

LO: You’ve come up with an incredibly inspiring business model. Is it ever difficult to separate feelings/ mind frame of business vs. emotion?

KL: We work with a manufacturer that hires tailors from the local community just on the outskirts of Tsavo East, a national park in Kenya.

TC: Emotions drive Kilambi and good business will make it thrive.

LO: In 5 years, where do you hope to see Kilambi?

KL: I think emotions are a huge part of our garments because the bold patterns and colours convey an array of them, whether you want to be loud or more demure, we have fabrics for everyone’s tastes.

LO: Are there other companies whose business models have helped you in shaping yours?

TC: Our business model is not unlike large retailers that outsource manufacturing, however, Kilambi is dedicated to supporting rural manufacturing in Kenya that provides gainful and dignified employment to the local population.

It’s also designed to share some of the beauty, skill and

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colour of Africa.

TC: In five years we hope Kilambi will be a brand available across Canada, the United States, Australia, Brazil and Europe for women and men who are bold, bright and global.

LO: In 5 years, where do you hope to see the sustainable fashion industry?

TC: The last couple of years have seen multiple unnecessary tragedies in the fashion industry resulting in thousands of needlessly lost lives. They have served as a wake up call for fashion brands and consumers to know where and how clothing is made. We hope to see more ethical manufacturing and purchasing.

kilambi design

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PAPA T.O. by viktoria hynynen

Let’s talk Hot Dogs: There are 191 standing licences in Toronto for hot dog vendors. The number of stands, food supplies, condiment assortment, location, size, and staff employed at hot dog kiosks are all regulated by our municipality. While the city wants to ensure food safety and health standards, I just can’t wrap my head around the extent to which they are willing to go in order to achieve it. Advocates for loosening the restrictions on food trucks and kiosks in Toronto aptly describe their business experience in the city: ‘death by regulation’. It is safe to say that advocates for the reform of just about any of our many municipal bylaws feel the same way.

As interesting as it may be, hot dogs and food trucks aren’t my main concern here. They are just examples of what I see to be hollow regulations; Facets of Toronto living that are grossly overregulated. Consequentially, they are much like a prescription migraine medication that has side effects of abdominal pains, insomnia, and rectal bleeding. Intended to serve the purpose in mind, and resulting in questionable outcomes. Who benefits from paternally regulating the mobile food industry? Who suffers? These are important questions to ask.

Other zoning issues have been a hot topic of debate (especially as of late); the proposed expansion of the Billy Bishop Airport, the introduction of chain supermarkets in Kensington market, and David Mirvish’s Frank Gehrydesigned towers on restaurant row to name a few... These issues have all seen widespread public recognition, and people are responding in an ardent manner… Change is happening in Toronto, and people do care.

Recently Foundry, the “multi-week festival dedicated to the exploration of the forward-thinking music and experimentation in technology,” in Toronto (curated by Mansion) was forced to move last-minute from its planned location at the Tower Automotive Warehouse due to zoning technicalities.

There were news articles, social media threads, emails, and calls to local government… the whole shebang. We heard galvanized, passionate citizens, many of whom were young people. Our city councillors heard them too. To what extent that voice will be acted upon, we shall have to wait and see.

Each time we take a stance (whatever that stance may be, and however far we decide to take it), we initiate a dialogue, and it is only through such dialogue that we can inspire real change. Our ideas should constantly be challenged and matured. I hope that more young people can overcome their political diffidence because I love my city – and part of loving it is accepting that there will always be ways to make it better. Papa Toronto is still a little bit old school but with some work he will surely loosen up a little.

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THE CHANGING TIDE laura mannix

I am an Australian born to an Egyptian mother and father from an Irish background. My grandmother is from Greek descent and grandfather’s family was Lebanese. I grew up in middle class euphoria soaking in tales of the Middle East and the Mediterranean in French, occasionally Arabic and mostly broken tongue English. I hit the geographical jackpot of birth. Because of where I was born I had access to to any resource that enabled me to develop and thrive. I never experienced oppression. I did not even have to think of what a human right actually was for the better part of my early existence. I essentially dodged a bullet. My mother did when her parents decided to leave everything - paradise they called it - to pursue a better life for their children and their children’s children. This is why I believe it is my obligation to be an advocate for human rights. I have been given the privilege of education. It is a right, but let’s be real here - it’s a privilege. I have the opportunity to do things and contribute to society that not every young woman around the world can. So I will continue to do so because a lot can’t.

I have found out that there is a stigma attached to being an advocate. I call it the “Bono effect.” You know, those people who have certain “leanings to the left” (whatever that means these days). Those people who are perceived as a little bit too opinionated about a particular issue to do with social justice, environmental issues, religion or politics, or worse still, that give off the vibe of “I have been every where, man and I have a subscription to Foreign Policy and the Economist.” Those people whom the rest of the general public try to avoid at dinner parties (depending the crowd), or are routinely judged by Facebook friends for polluting their feeds with educated articles about “depressing” things that take too much time to read and receive the condescending, yet safely label of just being “really passionate” by family, friends and co-workers. Well hello, my name is Laura Mannix and I am a human rights advocate. Even I try to refrain from using this label out loud. due to the social repercussions that I have experienced that has exacerbated this response. But there needs to be more advocacy, more conversations and more education on human rights so I take all of that on the chin.

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Today, it seems as though we live in a world in which democracy prevails and interstate war is on the decline.

The international climate is now far more complex - there are now more internal conflicts occurring within countries, governments are increasingly committing crimes upon their own people and concerns surrounding a lack of transparency and issues of corruption are on the rise.

We can no longer rely on state-sponsored propaganda to explain to us what we should fear and who is the enemy, for the “other” we once fought against now takes multiple forms.

The causes that we now must advocate for seem more hidden, but have never been more apparent. 24 hour news channels, social media and online news sites present to us a seemingly endless stream of updates on developments around the world, but the result is that we have become numb to the haze of the nightly news updates on Syria, Egypt and now Ukraine fail to resonate for us, let alone issues in other places that don’t even make the mainstream news (Congo, Colombia, Kenya, Somalia, to name a few) that seem even more distant from us. This never-ending news cycle has made us complacent about the deaths of women, Palestinians, Tamils, Christians, Muslims or LBGT individuals, some of the many groups that are at risk every day due to their gender, ethnicity, nationality, religious or political views.

Ultimately, for the majority of those who occupy the West the challenges faced by others doesn’t seem to carry any impact upon our day-to-day lives. But they actually do.

As globalization evolves, the world has actually become smaller, with countries more interlinked through trade and migration. We are all affected by the consequences of these trajectories in seemingly distant lands, not just those directly involved in the struggle. We are all connected, and therefore the burden of solution falls on all of our shoulders. It is no longer about ideology, it is now factual- reality. If the civil war and the state sponsored killing of Syrians was not enough to effect the fabric of the international obligation to protection, the estimated 9 million refugees that have fled Syria surely will. We are facing global processes that we have never had to before. The process of forced immigration and

displaced peoples. We now have more refugees in the world then we have ever. Yet countries that have reaped the rewards of receiving immigrants and integrating them into their economic and social systems in the past have now closed their boarders. Forced migration will not disperse until the international community have an effective way to deal with intrastate conflict in all parts of the world because at the end of the day, it does effect all states and as we continue to see, the ineffective system that is the only international response we have (The United Nations, I am looking at you again) refuses to adapt to changing times. It would actually take 180 years for all of the worlds refugees to resettle according to the procedures we have in place now. They have to go somewhere and this is why it affects all of us.

We don’t even need to look that far to see the need for advocacy today. Just because you live in a country that may be deemed as “democratic” does not mean human rights abuses cannot occur. The crisis of displaced people is not just unique to Syria of course. I come from Australia. It is democratic, provides its citizens with the right to vote, health care, access to free education (even up to tertiary level) and was built upon a foundation of immigration. It is also breaking international law. We have a government that chooses to ignore the 1951 Convention of the Refugee that Australia voluntary ratified by not only denying asylum seekers protection and entry to its land but proceeding to imprison them.

Today, refugees seeking asylum in Australia are forcibly resettled by the Australian government in Papua New Guinea, far from the shores of the nation they hoped to call home. In pursuing this policy, the Australian government not only detains the world’s most vulnerable population but also impinge on the state sovereignty of a neighbouring developing nation riddled with violence and instability. The conditions on Manus Island and Nauru (the locations of asylum seeker resettlement by Australia) are officially labeled as inhumane and brutal by the UNHCR. And stopping those fleeing war, persecution, rape, violence and death from settling in Australia is not only breaching legal and ethical obligations, it is also a financial disaster - Australia’s new asylum seeker policy is costing the government an estimated $2.124 billion dollars a year, as detailed by the Australian Department for Immigration and Border Protection (formally known as the Department of Immigration and Citizenship - can you make the new protectionist vibe any clearer?!).

It has been one form of racist propaganda after another from the Abbott government, with the intent to scare voters into thinking that Australia has a border protection problem that needs to be addressed. It also helped to get him elected. In the 2013 election he played on the

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unspoken and deep rooted insecurity of Australians racism - like too many prime ministers before him over the past 20 years (we have not forgotten about Tamper Overboard, Howard) and told the Australian public that there was a “national emergency” regarding the sovereignty of Australian borders that he would address by “stopping the boats.” But it is Lebanon, not Australia, with the national emergency - they have over 1 million refugees arriving on there shores and the country is a sixth of the size of Australia. If the situation couldn’t get any worse, there is now a media ban in Australia on the reporting of the asylum seeker situation - we have had people dying at sea near the Australian borders while seeking asylum, stories of Australian Navy officers abusing asylum seekers once they are in their custody and boats of asylum seekers being toed back out to sea away from Australia under the supervision of government personnel. requirements), There are working bans on asylum seekers that have received a protection visa in Australia. Instead of allowing these individuals to start a new life (a life they have a right to), the Australian government has cut them off at the knees.

They have also done it at the detriment to Australia also.

Instead of allowing these people to contribute to society, economically and socially it has only exacerbated tensions towards asylum seekers from the Australian public. This has resulted in myths to arise that asylum seekers get a free ride and don’t have to work, that they receive government benefits. The real story is that we have encountered too many suicides at the refugee agency I am associated with. Asylum seekers in Australia have became a political issue when it is only a human rights issue.

The UNHCR recently released a scathing report on Australia’s treatment of refugees and its policies yet nothing has been done. What paints an even more dire picture is the fact that Canada, my new country of residence, is looking at the Australian model of immigration as a guide to tighten its own immigration policies. Visa restrictions, working restrictions, limited access to support services and family reunification and a decline in the acceptance refugees per year are all issues I have begun to come across as I continue to work in the not-for profit sphere addressing refugee rights in Canada. Toronto is one of the most multi cultural cities in the world as Canada, like Australia use to be, one of the great success stories of multiculturalism. I really don’t need to look far to see the importance of advocacy today when faced with such realities. It is up to us as individuals to make the big guys listen when they refuse to do so - I am a human and have the right to life, and it is my right and obligation to advocate for those who can’t.

contributor

Toronto’s waterfront could be a beautiful destination, instead it’s a traffic jam. The Gardiner Expressway remains a cement relic, commuting hundreds of cars daily and effectively turning Toronto’s waterfront into a spot people rather avoid than visit. The 2.4 km stretch of highway east of Jarvis is littered with potholes, while the cement crumbles onto Lakeshow below.

The city and it’s citizens are faced with a costly and important decision, one that has stirred up quite the debate amongst politicians and will contribute greatly to the mayoral debate this year. The four proposed options thus far include, repairing the expressway (approx $230 million), removing the expressway and replacing it with an 8-10 lane boulevard (approx $240$360 million), replace the expressway with a different version that would allow for park areas ($610-$910 million), or keeping it and making improvements to the streetscape ($410-$620 million) (Toronto Star).

Personally I’m on the side of complete removal or an underground tunnel like Boston’s. The traffic chaos that will ensue during construction will force drivers to commute alternatively, putting more money into public transit systems and making carpooling more popular.

Furthermore the Gardiner Expressway is an eyesore that takes up precious waterfront space that can be used for parks, beaches, retail and condos. Take a look at a birds eye view of Chicago and then Toronto, which looks like a more appealing city to you? Council has pushed the decision to after the mayoral election, so in the mean time keep your head up on Lakeshore for falling debris. (afton arlana)

gardiner bridge is falling down 42

marcela calderon, psychedelic mayhem

photography by krystina plante

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photo sean martindale

art feature

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SEAN MARTINDALE Sean Martindale is a Toronto-based interdisciplinary artist whose work activates and simultaneously interrogates public spaces. You might find his work nestled in heavily postered concrete walls, in street planters, or you might happen upon it on the sidewalk during your hurried commute. Often using live plants and found materials, Sean transforms our built environment through unconventional (or, very conventional) mediums to shift meaning and direct our thoughts to various social and ecological issues. He has participated in and led large-scale community art projects and his work is internationally recognized. If you are enticed - and I know you are - read more below! (erika balint)

SM: Context is incredibly important, whether it be public space or private. Public space is a primary focus of my practice. Often, these spaces are both the subject matter and site of my interventions. With such site-specific works, the environment can be often considered a medium in itself.

From my 2010 MFA thesis, “curbed concepts”: “The literal site is always of utmost significance with my interventions. The works are derived from their specific urban contexts, speaking to and through these spaces.

However, with all these works I also address broader issues, and I activate spaces that share qualities with other sites to which my interventions might translate or speak directly. As with my material choices, I look for spatial infrastructures and conditions that weave throughout the urban fabric. Moreover, I am interested in how engagement is carried forward after contact with the original evanescent interventions or their documentation […] My project can be accessed in other forms through a mixture of documentation, text, and word of mouth. This does not imply that the experience will be the same. I do not try to recreate matching visceral conditions through different media or in other contexts. What I aim to provide, through documentation, are more points of entry in such a way that much of the content from the original intervention is still available.”

Work cannot simply be taken from the street and placed in a gallery without a shift in how it will be perceived.

Outdoor interventions are generally stumbled upon by accident without being mediated by an institution. These works are also free to be experienced by anyone in the area.

Gallery exhibits, meanwhile, are usually attended by an audience expecting to see a particular kind of art.

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Typically, when I am planning to install work in a gallery, I create a project specifically for that space. In other cases, show photo and documentation of interventions my public interventions. While I am not attempting to recreate the experience of the original with these works, the pieces do still function as project extensions, and can address the issues at hand, albeit in a different way. Moreover, these works can be understood without prior knowledge of the original interventions, and can stand on their own as individual pieces themselves.

EB: Why is it important for you to interrogate your surrounding environment, and specifically through the medium of art? Do you think that your choice of medium affects the way your message is received?

SM: I can’t remember a time when I didn’t doodle or create things. It is both what I’m drawn to, and something I constantly think about. Art and design are a part of me now. While it’s not the only way I can communicate, or try to effect change, I do think it’s the best use of my particular skills, which is a good thing, because I would probably go crazy (or maybe just more crazy) if I didn’t have a creative outlet. It’s something I feel that I can offer, but it’s also a personal need. Others have abilities that are better suited to a different approach, and these are just as important, but I feel that my time and energy is best used this way.

My choice of medium does affect the way my message is received, and I make very deliberate decisions about what mediums to use for each project.

EB: You have participated in a number of large-scale, citywide projects that take over and deconstruct ad spaces, replacing them with thought-provoking works of art – specifically NYSAT, ToSAT and cARTographyTO. Can you talk about the process of disseminating and installing these artworks?

marcela calderon, less putrid

EB: While your work has existed within galleries, you work primarily by intervening in public spaces. How does meaning shift between private and public realms?

SM: I’ve now worked on a number of citywide ad takeovers of different scales, in several countries, and each one has been unique in one way or another. My involvement has varied, too, depending on the project. In some cases, I just contributed artwork as a participant, and in others I was the primary organizer, or part of a core team, involved from conception to completion. Large-scale ad takeover projects like the three you mentioned need to be planned well in advance. Having a good team behind the initiative helps a great deal.

Although I was already doing ad takeovers on my own, I learned more about the logistics of larger group takeover projects in 2009 by participating and being on the ground in Manhattan for NYSAT, organized by Jordan Seiler of Public Ad Campaign.

I installed my work for the New York project alongside three other Toronto based artists (AT.AW., Posterchild, and Teeth). Recognizing that the issues we were trying to address were shared and that we had a strong Ontario contingent, I suggested to Jordan and Posterchild that we organize an initiative of similar scale in Toronto. They were onboard, and so the following summer (2010), Jordan joined us here to lead and organize, and we launched ToSAT, which proved to be the largest scale takeover of its kind up until that time. Since then, I’ve organized or have been otherwise involved in at least one large-scale takeover every year.

Art has a role to play in raising awareness and driving social change definitely helps motivate my work...I’ve been able to witness the direct positive cause and effect of some of my works, which has been incredibly rewarding and helps push me to continue.

Due to the un-sanctioned nature of these projects, it can be tricky to recruit participants. As you don’t want to alert the wrong parties in advance, it’s not wise to just put out an open call for submissions like you would for something like a gallery exhibit. At the same time, for some of the projects we wanted to make the invitation as open as possible, and to attract a group of contributors as numerous and diverse as could be managed.

One basic strategy is to only send out the relevant information to those in trusted circles while clearly stating that it needs to be kept confidential, but this can obviously be limiting if your team doesn’t already have wide trustworthy networks. To expand, you can ask that those in your circles also forward the information to people that they trust in turn. As these circles get wider there is understandable increase in risk. I’ve also seen secret calls forwarded to individuals and groups that are presumed trustworthy based on their reputations and mandates etc, but again, this increases the risk of a leak. A strategy for mitigating the potential damage of such a breach is to provide

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just vague information in initial communications, and more specific details only once interest and more confidence has been established.

In some ways, it’s easier when the takeover is more curated, or when you have particular artists already in mind. You can be more direct and provide greater detail from the start without needing to worry as much about the information being leaked.

In either case, you still need find a way to attract participants if you want a large number of contributors. In some cases, I’ve simply kept it to a very small team instead. For example, Adam Krawesky and Martin Reis were the only two other artists who contributed work to the recent Overboard Additions project I initiated. I kept the project purposefully small, but we still installed 36 works across the city. There are clear advantages and disadvantages to any adjustment in scale – up or down – but the large roster projects are really projects of an entirely different nature.

Successful large-scale takeovers need to be planned to down to a tee. Often, you’re working with limited resources, but this can be made-up for to in most respects if you’re fortunate enough to have a strong collaborators, or able to take on most of the work yourself. It is important that everybody involved understand not just the purpose of the project, but the very real risks that come with it. Within the integrity and reasonable scope of any given project, it is necessary to minimize the risks – especially in terms of health and freedom – for everyone taking part. There will always be some degree of uncertainty and potential hazards, but these often can be reduced. For the larger projects in which I’ve been involved, we’ve always made sure to run-through worst-case scenarios in advance, and to have emergency plans and contingencies in place where possible. For citywide takeovers, we’ve also had the numbers for lawyers and other supports at the ready.

EB: Does a project of such a large scale, with so many different artists and ideas convey a cohesive overall message?

SM: Individual works within these major takeovers don’t always clearly communicate the main message of the wider project.

However, when executed well, the larger projects are still able to convey a cohesive overarching message while encompassing the many different ideas of the participants involved. In part, this is because most ad takeovers are at minimum, an attempt to disrupt the pervasive advertising landscape and to, at least temporarily, reclaim these areas of public space. This goal can accommodate, and in some ways, demands, a diversity of voices.

When multiple ad spaces are taken over at once in a relatively close geographic area, even if it’s with divergent individual messages, the cumulative effect multiplies the impact of each and points to a wider effort. Still, different approaches have been tried, such as restricting all submissions to only black and white text for to MASAT in Madrid. This effectively removed the element of signature styles and made the overall effort more consistent.

Another important point is that many first encounter these

photo sean martindale

projects through media reports, online documentation, and word-of-mouth. Consequently, it is usually important for the cohesive overall message of the endeavor to be presented articulately in a press release, and any other media communications or online presence. Like contingency plans, it is advisable to have these messages ready and well understood by everyone involved before works are installed. Generally, participants already have a good understanding of the central ideas behind the project because it was their interest in these issues that led them to getting involved in the first place.

However, with wider calls, this shouldn’t be assumed, as there are certainly other reasons why people might choose to get involved, too.

EB: I love your Tent: life-like living project because it is part of such a prevalent Toronto discourse. I see that similar ideas manifest in your larger body of work. What is your stance on Toronto’s rapidly changing landscape, and how did you arrive at your idea for this project?

SM: Thank you for your interest in the project. It was one that I first installed in 2010, but the discourse is still all too significant in Toronto and similar cities around the world. If anything, the issues have only become more pressing in recent years. We are facing a major crisis in our lack of affordable housing and the prominence of poorly built structures popping-up without proper planning, accountability or the development of essential supporting infrastructure.

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I began the project by cutting down some illegally installed condo advertisements, and then turning these same ads into simple, functional tents. I then left these tents in pertinent areas around the city, and also repurposed condo sandwich boards (which were also first illegally installed on our city sidewalks by marketers) by putting my own TENT graphics in place.

With these, I created a fake marketing campaign, pretending to sell the tents like the condos originally advertized. Continuing to play with their tropes, I created a full presentation centre complete with an outdoor billboard and scale models.

A central element of the project was this satire, drawing attention to the issues at hand by highlighting the incredibly absurd lifestyle marketing of condo developments. Their ad campaigns were already appallingly inane, but since I did the project, they’ve somehow managed to outdo themselves, perhaps beyond satire. One prominent and particularly mindboggling example was a development called “Fad Condos” in the “Fashion District” on Spadina. They actually named their own project, what is ostensibly meant to eventually be a huge permanent building in the downtown core “Fad”. I don’t know about you, but in my mind this has never been a positive term, other than in the sense that an unwelcome fad will at least pass after a relatively short period. The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that someone must have been trying to sink the development from within. Apparently, the people behind this development have rethought things a bit, because it has since re-launched the project simply as “170 Spadina”. Whether or

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photo sean martindale

not it will actually be built remains to be seen.

EB: Are there dangers or consequences that come with working with public spaces in the way that you do?

SM: There are definitely risks that come with working in public spaces the way I do. The level of danger varies from project to project. However, I try to minimize these by planning well and considering as many potential hazardous consequences before moving forward to install works. I do my best to avoid creating anything that could possibly cause the public any physical harm or inadvertently cause major damage. So far, I’ve been lucky enough to avoid the main the pitfalls that I’ve seen others who have worked in public space suffer.

Although the Toronto crew and I didn’t run into any trouble with the NYSAT installs, some of the other participants did get arrested. Fortunately, my friend Jordan Seiler, the main organizer of that project, was prepared with bail money and had lawyers ready to step-in. As we targeted billboards that were operating illegally, the invasive company responsible, NPA City Outdoor, didn’t have a leg to stand on. In fact, once the takeovers were complete, they didn’t want to draw any additional attention to their own illicit business model by pursuing charges. NPA City Outdoor has since closed shop in New York, and Jordan believes that the pressure of the NYSAT projects were at least partially responsible for this move.

EB: Art has the ability to create awareness and drive social change. Is this what fuels your practice? What changes would you personally like to see?

SM: Yes, the recognition that art has a role to play in raising awareness and driving social change definitely helps motivate my work. It isn’t the only fuel for my practice, but it is certainly one of the central factors, if not the most important. I’ve been able to witness the direct positive cause and effect of some of my works, which has been incredibly rewarding and helps push me to continue. I would probably still be working creatively in some way if not for these goals, because it’s how I function. I’ve been drawing and sculpting for as long as I can remember, prior to forming any wider worldviews. Still, my practice would not take the form it does if not for these views now. I cannot ignore the problems I see around me; human made problems of which we are all a part, and as such can try to change. I see social, environmental, and economic issues as being inextricably linked, and so there is need for positive change in many spheres.

EB: While putting together this issue, I found a very surprising lack of young, Toronto-based artists making overtly socially and politically motivated works of art. Have you perceived this same issue? Do you have any suggestions for why this might be the case?

SM: There are certainly other young Toronto-based artists making overtly socially and politically motivated work, some

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photo sean martindale

of them close friends and collaborators, but there is also room – and a need – for more. This is true across disciplines, and not just limited to the arts. Too many separate their daily work from their beliefs and sense of political responsibility.

It can be easier to make a living when you ignore and shirk accountability. We need more people to be civically conscious and active. This is not to say that everyone should be taking the same approach or making the same work either (whether it be art or anything else). The arts have a significant role to play, but efforts need to be made at all levels from the groundup, to advanced policy, leadership and systems, and everything between. Thankfully, I do see efforts being made across a broad spectrum. When viewed individually, these labors can seem futile, but when considered collectively, there is hope to be found. It is imperative not only that these efforts continue, but that more people become engaged, too.

EB: What direction is your work heading in? Can you discuss any recent or upcoming projects as an example?

SM: There are constantly more issues I would like to explore and address, and others I plan to investigate further. I perpetually have far more project ideas than I have time or resources to realize. However, I would like to increase my capacity to do as many of these as I can, while still making the work to the best of my abilities. I need to do this without compromising the integrity of my practice, and in part, I think continuing to embrace worthwhile opportunities for collaboration can help me realize this goal. I don’t see my work shifting away from a primary focus on public space and related issues anytime soon.

I’m almost constantly working on multiple projects at once, so keep an eye out for new interventions coming soon.

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contributor

photo, art anthony wright

BREAKING THE SILENCE

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Queer Psychiatric Survivor by anthony wright No one can ever prepare you for the injustices that happen within a mental health institution but I speak to this issue through lived experience—yet this experience looks different for everyone. Identifying as queer now in my adulthood, I look back at the life I had during institutionalization and realize now how gender and power impacted the outcomes or successes one could have in a hospital. When I turned eighteen, I got my official paperwork and doctors notes forwarded to me at my home address: “Anthony is a feminine fellow, who likes to talk a lot to the other patients and often feels the need to talk about spirituality. Patient was admitted for an eating disorder initially but now shows symptoms of psychosis.”

The words and power behind documents enforce the constructed reality of gender and how gender becomes the politics that rule our everyday lives. Gender bending in mental hospitals is regulated through diagnostic jargon, and isolative correction. I remember doctors who hid behind their labels, making us feel like all we would ever amount to were the titles of our diagnosis. I was not allowed to talk to anyone who was of the opposite or same gender identity as myself. I also was not allowed to talk to any of the other Aboriginal kids that were in the same ward. A girl once passed me a note in the hospital hallway as I was heading to the bathroom it said, “Be strong.” A nurse wrenched it from my hands and said secret messages were not allowed between patients.

The one thing that can get you through the regime of a mental hospital is the other people that are there. They inspire hope.

Being queer, the mood of the hospital was set as an in-between bridge, between the realms of the personal and the political. What I was taught in the mental hospital, as a patient was how to live normally, how to conform to prescribed gender narratives, and how to

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accept my “illness,” as a deficiency. These elements are all embedded through western discourses of medicine, which are attuned to a hegemonic agenda of disenfranchising bodies through gender politics and patriarchy. If patients attempted to talk or contact one another while not being supervised, we were sent to the “quiet room.”

To me, the Quiet Room was not just an ordinary room it stood for something: it stood for the regime of power that professionals hold over patients in a psychiatric hospital.

It stood for the repression of communication between patients and it symbolized the control that “professionals,” have over people who are deemed “sick.”

Let us open up the dialogue around the pathologization of LGBT folks within mental institutions. Colonization is not a thing of the past: the colonization of First Nations peoples through institutions is still existent and we must all be aware of this. No matter what profession we are in may we always understand the power that written word has within documentation and how it impacts identity.

We must come together to innovate new realities of health care in order to deconstruct the power, oppression and prejudicial elements that currently rule mental health institutions.

*When I was seventeen years old (October of 2007), I was institutionalized in a mental health ward within the region of Northern Ontario. I wish to mention that my opinions and views within my experience of institutionalization are my own and do not speak to a universal experience of all people within mental health recovery. My views and opinions are limited by my own social location as a mixed Aboriginal/white, cisgender, middle-class, queer, male. Also, my narrative does not reflect the position or opinions of FEMMELDEHYDE Magazine.

contributor

Everyone sits in a circle, dressed in orange.

Tension and trepidation palpable; Will I be another who reinforces their social stigma?

Or will I be one who demonizes them for their criminal instincts?

They as unsure as l; I, unsure of their qualities or their crimes; We base our interactions exactly on what we bring to the circle on any given day.

For these days that we gather in the name of art, We are merely humans, In a room Desiring to inspire one another.

Because at the end of every day, The most revolutionary thing you can do for yourself and your communities is Love.

Meet people where they are, with what they have – with curiosity, humility and love.

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Here is Your Revolution: How Radical Acts of Art and Love can Rehabilitate Criminals by megan duckworth I’ve spent the last two years working with men in Ontario Corrections. I facilitate an arts-­‐based group, as an Expressive Arts Therapist, with men shortly returning to public life. The program implores men to look into themselves, as I suggest perspectives and ideas about how we can cope with our collective challenges and grievances. For this program is not about them being criminals. It is about the human struggles we all face as survivors of abuse, addiction, oppression, and mental illness. A program that requires intense reflection and uncomfortable realizations about the fact that – despite our survival, we still have choices to make in how we survive. Do we let the darkness win? Or do we grapple and hunt and fight for the light? Do we let our self-­‐ hatred and societal neglect convince us that we are meaningless? Or do we use our experiences to define the richness of the resourcefulness that we inherently possess?

photo afton arlana

My job is to hold space. Hold space for the darkness that these men grapple with on a daily basis. Hold space for awkwardness and sadness to maintain its rightful place.

Hold space for gardens to grow in the dark, sterile, concrete world that is our method of societal rehabilitation.

Because I know, as I am told, that this program is unlike any other they receive within these walls. It turns out that if you treat someone as a criminal – no matter how criminally aligned their thinking may actually be – they will remain a criminal. My job is to merely hold space for human interaction, curiosity, discomfort and growth – something these men desperately need and crave. And because it does not largely exist outside the walls of my classroom, or, within the minds of those incarcerating our brothers and sisters – I am more than happy and honoured to hold this space that is desired and craved.

One of the men I have had the pleasure of working with for the last three months brought me an image. “This is me, and there are cracks... the light is trying to emerge, and I am cracking open”. This, coming from a man whose anger and hatred was tangible when we first met. A man who had spent years incarcerated in various facilities, for reasons I do not know. He tells me a story of typical prison bullshit, as he holds an image that he drew in

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response. “Normally, I would have smashed everything around me and wound up in the hole for a week... but I went back to my unit and I started this image. By the time I got half-­‐way done, I was calm...”

People ask me why I work in Prison. I have only one response: I believe in the value of people. There is not one quality or experience these men share that I cannot understand – because we are all fighting our demons. We are all searching to find that which makes us whole, and which makes us loved. It turns out, if you treat someone with dignity and respect, they start to believe that they are worthy of dignity and respect. Those who feel like they are worthy of love – even from themselves – do not regress, do not relapse, do not reoffend.

Here is your revolution.

In light, In art, In love.

Megan Catherine Duckworth is an Expressive Arts Therapist, holding a Masters Degree in Expressive Arts, Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding from the European Graduate School in Saas Fee, Switzerland.

Her work ranges from facilitating an arts-based group with men in Corrections Canada, to leading an international Expressive Arts Therapy training program with survivors of human trafficking in Kathmandu Nepal. Therapy, healing, rehabilitation, social justice, advocacy and activism are all woven into the programs she creates and facilitates, as she not only desires to provide safe spaces for marginalized and vulnerable communities, but rather, holistic reintegration with awareness to the issues that plague these community members. Within the next year, she will work to expand her training programs throughout East and South Africa, the Caribbean and Asia, with the intent of empowering community leaders through the arts - providing them skills to pair with their own resources, so they can provide healing to their communities within their own capacities.

image source: wwww.culturestorm.ca

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gallery review

image source: wwww.torontofreegallery.org

CULTURE STORM A REVIEW BY ERIKA BALINT

Remember that small gallery space at Bloor and Lansdowne - Toronto Free Gallery? I recall that the first time I stopped to peek in, I was drawn in by just the name. The Toronto Free Gallery was alive and thriving from 2004-2013, but has unfortunately since had to close doors. But this gallery was doing something that few spaces in Toronto still do: providing exciting programming for socially driven artwork addressing current issues in our own city. I believe that Toronto’s art scene really made a name for itself over fifty years back with its unique artist-run spaces much like this one; something we don’t see enough of anymore. With that being said, it’s truly a shame that Toronto Free Gallery is no longer in operation. However, the gallery’s founder and executive director Heather Haynes is still working to keep her vision alive through another outlet: an organization called Culture Storm.

Culture Storm supports visual artists as well as those in theatre and performance with a special interest in work that fosters community engagement and supports social,

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political and environmental matters. Toronto Free Gallery provided Heather with a large network through which she can support these artists and continue to provide promotion and new programming. To see what’s going on, you can visit their website: culturestorm.ca Currently in our city, we are lucky enough to have a ton of galleries to visit with new ones springing up on a regular basis. But what I perceive is that there are numerous commercial and public galleries, and far less artist-run spaces than there used to be. I believe that artist-run spaces lend themselves a bit better to social discourses and activist art, and I think that we could really benefit from more young artists using their resources to create more of these spaces. There appears to be a gap that needs filling for active, accessible socially-engaged spaces that can bridge across communities and spark new dialogue. We can lament the spirit of spaces like Toronto Free Gallery, or we can choose to revive it.

contributor

mental illness. there, i’ve said it. consider the band-aid ripped off. now, let’s get on with it.

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by jenna v Once an issue untouched, unspoken, unheard of in the public sphere, mental illness is presently the focus of anti-stigmatism projects and campaigns from Tinsel Town to Toronto. Not only is it a subject pervading even pop culture as of late—who didn’t see Silver Linings Playbook—a healthy dialogue can be observed permeating Toronto’s streets (*speech bubble* “Let’s Talk”). At last, mental illness is being broached in a positive light, in the public sphere, and through various media encouraging education and understanding rather than perpetuating misconceptions. Who knows? Your cell phone habits or love of film may even have you inadvertently supporting the cause.

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 20% of Canadians are personally afflicted with a mental illness during their lifetime. Young people aged 15 to 24 are more likely to experience mental illness and/or substance use disorders than any other age group.1 Moreover, ALL Canadians will be affected indirectly through a friend, colleague or family member.2 Unfortunately, Toronto’s Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) reports that a mere “50% of Canadians would tell friends or co-workers that they have a family member with a mental illness, compared to 72% who would discuss a diagnosis of cancer and 68% who would talk about a family member having diabetes.”3 Thankfully, there has been a proliferation of campaigns and projects devised to combat this undeserving stigma.

Perhaps an obvious choice—you’re almost certainly familiar with the blue and white speech bubble posters that adorn most TTC stops around January—Bell Canada’s Let’s Talk Mental Health Initiative is one example of activism in the public eye…or ear, or hand for that matter. Setting out to destigmatize and improve the treatment of mental illness, Let’s Talk focuses on what it calls ‘the four pillars’—anti-stigma, care and access, workplace health, and research. Apart from committing $62 million in support of mental health institutions across

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Mental Illness and Addiction Statistics, Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/about_camh/newsroom/for_reporters/pages/addictionmentalhealthstatistics.aspx 2 Fast Facts About Mental Illness, Canadian Mental Health Association, http://www.cmha.ca/media/fast-factsabout-mental-illness/#.UzsPGq1dUkJ 3 Mental Illness and Addiction Statistics, Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/about_camh/newsroom/for_reporters/pages/addictionmentalhealthstatistics.aspx 63

Canada, Bell instigated Let’s Talk Day, an annual event where the company contributes 5 cents more for every text sent or call made by their customers on January 28th as well as for every new follower of the campaign on Facebook or Twitter. Not too shabby, eh! Through campaign advertising, Bell furthers the charitable return by means of public engagement—a vital effort for the destigmatization of mental illness.

Much like the benefit of having a high-profile corporation advocate the cause, having Hollywood on your side doesn’t hurt either. After all, it’s about engaging the public and chances are that public will sit through anything promising two hours of Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. If Silver Linings Playbook taught us one thing, it’s that you can dance your way to mental health. KIDDING…but, only kind of. There is definitely something to be said about the relationship between creativity and mental illness. What that is exactly, I don’t know. Join the debate. However, I will say that film proves an effective medium for the fusion of creativity and advocacy and as a means of disseminating the message to an expansive audience. In Toronto, this sentiment manifests in Rendezvous With Madness, a Toronto-based film festival which seeks to “investigate the facts and mythologies surrounding mental illness and addiction as presented by both Canadian and international filmmakers, as well as by visual and mediabased artists.”4 Introduced to Toronto’s film festival circuit in 1993, Rendezvous With Madness is produced

by Workman Arts—a not-for-profit professional arts company in association with CAMH. The first of its kind, RWM aims to provide exhibition opportunities to artists living with mental illness, a dialogical forum for audiences to engage with the artists and advocacy for the increased understanding of mental health and addiction issues to a comprehensive public. Keep an eye out for upcoming events by visiting the festival homepage www. rendezvouswithmadness.com or www.workmanarts. com.

With an ever-growing number of genuine efforts to educate the public honestly about mental health, the stigma that years of silence instilled is slowly being broken. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues don’t be afraid to seek help. For more information visit www.camh.ca or contact a helpline at 1-866-531-2600.

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Changing Perspectives, Rendezvous With Madness, http://www.rendezvouswithmadness.com/index.php/aboutrendezvous/

contributor

TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE-DOWN

Dealing with the Stigma of Mental Illness one Group at a Time

To say that mental illness is a day-to-day struggle would be a gross understatement, but for those 75% of the population not coping with mental illness, it is something that needs to be understood. It is person versus his or herself in the most difficult form, and worse still it is not taken seriously by the general population. In steps organizations like Mood Disorders Association of Ontario. MDAO is a not-for-profit group serving almost 80,000 people Ontario-wide, offering peer support groups, recovery programs, family and youth clinical support, and various other tools making life easier for those struggling with mental illness and mood disorders throughout the province. I talked with Amanda Hall, a volunteer at MDAO who struggles with mental illness herself, about her experience at Mood Disorders, and how she hopes it will change the stigma towards mental illness for future generations. (chelsea la vecchia)

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CL: How long have you been working for “Mood Disorders” AH: I have been volunteering with the Mood Disorders Association of Ontario since spring of 2013, and am also currently completing a first year student placement (as part of a requirement for the Social Service Worker program at George Brown college). I assume various roles within the organization, such as acting as a TIPS volunteer (Telephone Information Peer Support); our TIPS warm line is in operation from Mon-Fri, 9:30am-5:00pm, providing folks with information, resources, and peer support (Although we are not a hot line—meaning a distress line for immediate risk—we are able to provide recommendations for crisis centres/lines, as well as having social workers on staff should someone require speaking to one right away). I also facilitate (and guest or co-facilitate) several peer support groups.

CL: What is the most challenging thing you have experienced there?

AH: The most challenging experiences I’ve had while working at the MDAO are centered around the subjects of death and suicide, and how best to handle situations where these (very sensitive) subjects are brought up (specifically in the context of a phone support call or a peer support group setting). We do have extensive training in this sort of thing, as well as social workers on staff for help.

CL: What is the most rewarding thing?

AH: I would say that it is knowing that you have made a positive difference in someone’s day through supporting them.

For example, an individual may show up to a peer support group meeting in tears, and leave with a smile on their face. On a larger and more long-term scale, it’s also very rewarding to observe service users advancing towards recovery and wellness over a longer period of time (however ‘recovery and wellness’ may be defined by them).

CL: What is your hope surrounding mental illness for the future?

AH: My current hope for the future of mental health in Ontario (and certainly, Canada-wide) would include more training for police officers in how to properly deal with persons living with mood disorders/mental illness, education and awareness (through advertising, health and wellness fairs, etc.), more (free) peer-run support groups, better accessibility to psychiatric care, more scholarships, increased funding for organizations, and increased payments for those living on disability.

CL: Have you, personally, had any experiences involving mental illness?

AH: In my 36 years on this planet, I have certainly dealt with an expansive amount of mental illness. I have a current diagnosis of rapid cycling Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, as well as

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...one should not avoid seeking help for a mental health issue due to the stigma involved, as the earlier the illness is treated, the more positive the outcome. Most do not hesitate to seek help for a physical health issue, so why should mental health be treated with any less respect?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) with panic attacks, and an eating disorder.

CL: If you could give any advice to young people struggling with mental illness and fearing the stigma behind it, what would it be?

AH: I would say this: yes, there is stigma, and it is a very real problem. I understand (and empathize with) the fear of ‘coming out’ with a mental health issue, however, you will find that the great majority of people are not only accepting, but willing to educate themselves to better understand you and what you are going through if you give them the chance (though you shouldn’t have to educate them unless you feel comfortable). I would also offer the advice that one should not avoid seeking help for a mental health issue due to the stigma involved, as the earlier the illness is treated, the more positive the outcome.

Most do not hesitate to seek help for a physical health issue, so why should mental health be treated with any less respect? I would also suggest attendance at a youth peer support group, like the ones we run at Mood Disorders. Peer support groups are an excellent way of gaining the feeling that you ‘are not alone’ and creating community, as well as being a fantastic tool for both recovery and maintenance.

For more information, see http://www.mooddisorders.ca/ about

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photo: grace aroella

music feature

IMMORTAL JELLYFISH world – the particular kind of feeling that no amount of happy Hall and Oates can appease. His music is a perfect mix of contemporary folk with a touch of blues that makes you wanna tap your toes and sing the words along with him, letting your troubles melt away. For this issue, we’ve done a little something different with our music feature: we got right into the mind of a songwriter with a lyrical breakdown of one of his songs. Music and art allow us to speak to different issues more openly because they can be interpreted in so many ways; while lyrics are inherently subjective and often without fixed meaning, here we get a look at the artist’s own train of thought, and an allusion to the process of writing a song. Give it a read, and be sure to check out his bandcamp to hear more of his music. (erika balint) My name is Nathan Chard; I go by the solo stage moniker of Immortal Jellyfish, under which I play folk and various kinds of roots and acoustic based music. I also play in a 3-piece blues/ psychedelic rock band called Sons Of The Moon. I was born and raised in Toronto, Ontario and have been writing music for close to 6 years. I’m 23 years old.

Almost every time I begin writing a song it starts off with something very small that is gradually built upon to complete an idea. It could be a phrase, a single word even a melody or a rhythm. Whether or not the words come first is a part of the process that is constantly fluctuating, and regardless of which one takes on the form of the catalyst of creation the end product is always the same: a focal point, be it a story, an experience or most often in my case an attempt at

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understanding and explaining complex emotions in a purely romantic fashion. Because after all, art is pure 100% uncut romance, it is you potentiating the mundane and making sense out of the seemingly inexplicable. Each song is an expression of one or more tiny parts of myself, and the world I see that I have managed to grab ahold of and squeezed out some kind of understanding. Or at the very least admit to my profound confusion.

Predictably, this song started with a phrase and became a way for me to dictate my thoughts on all kinds of oppression while doing my best to leave it open to interpretation for the sake of the listener, or in this case the viewer. It’s such a nasty thing that we face and dish out simultaneously, all of us to varying degrees.

photography by matthew brackett

Immortal Jellyfish makes the kind of music I’d want to listen to when I’m feeling melancholy or pissed off with the

Before I begin the breakdown of these lyrics I feel I should clarify that in writing these words and explaining their meaning I have no intention to belittle a persons struggles and experiences with oppression, or to say that it is “this easy” to deal with and here are all the simple solutions. These words come from my own experiences and they represent nothing but my own thoughts and feelings. I can only speak for myself.

If you read them and are able to identify with any part of this well then that’s just a beautiful thing, so beautiful in fact that I believe any artist would cherish that connection very deeply. photo: grace aroella

You Were Wrong After All VERSE Lose the frown, lose the sneer This is the line that started the song; it must get tiresome to walk around loathing so many things for no reason at all….

If you could stand up for another sit down here Stick up for your people; you’re rights and what you believe in (though there are clearly universal truths that should not be ignored). Surround yourself with people that love others for the sake of love, not because of a new pair of shoes or an account balance. Aim for the day when you are a part of a network of people that look out for one another and grow together.

Save your grace and your insecurities Hang on to the beauty in something, in yourself and do not be afraid of what other people might think. Rethink what the word “ugly” really means.

Warm up to the coldness, and all your impurities Laugh in the face of adversity and reject labels and all of the cumbersome stereotypes that come with them. “Imperfections” as we unfortunately call them are what make us human; they are the vessels in us through which deep and lasting bonds are formed between people.

CHORUS And maybe, baby, you were wrong after all You were wrong after all, maybe you’re stupid And I’m a fucking genius, yeah that sounds about right Yeah that sounds about right How could you know? I don’t think you do Ignorant people, by definition, are not aware of just how ignorant they are. So rigid in their beliefs they would stand strong in the middle of an earthquake of truth, convinced there is no magma brewing under their feet. Only then do they fall into some deep fissure in the Earth’s crust and have this molten revelation melt the flesh right off their stubborn bones.

Perhaps as they are liquefying below they realize they may have

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been wrong…. you know, after all. Sarcasm here is absolutely intended as a means of mockery.

VERSE Take it down wreck it all Take down the wall, deconstruct and disarm every inch of it that has been fortified and augmented so effectively into the human experience. Defy everything.

Take pride, in the trip and the fall Don’t be ashamed you’re only of the human race Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Take chances and risks throughout life. Foster no regret.

No time to chase fate, it’s at the bottom of the lake You’re path in life is yours to choose. Don’t ever relinquish your aspirations to the likes of people that tell you that you’ll fail.

Other people’s doubts about what you can and want to achieve are expendable extremities in life. Cut them off.

CHORUS And maybe, baby, you were wrong after all You were wrong after all, maybe you’re stupid And I’m a fucking genius, yeah that sounds about right Yeah that sounds about right And maybe, baby, you were wrong after all You were wrong after all, maybe you’re lucid How could you know this, I’m losing you tonight I’m losing you too Perhaps you’re in a lucid dream world, so real that you mistake it for reality. Perhaps many of these notions you have of the way things are have become obsolete, meaningless yet you still cling to them for dear life. For were it not for the support they give to your world it would surely implode. (nathan chard)

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literature feature

FROM THE MARGINS

from the margins is an artistic collaboration between geoff and clementine morrigan. this initiative seeks to promote a culture of accessibility and to centre marginalized experiences. from the margins works with local artists and aims to build alliances across communities of difference. we value the myriad and multiplistic perspectives within our communities, encouraging dialogue and participation. the creative work produced by from the margins is open and not limited to zines, events, workshops, writing and art. with hope and love, from the margins. (geoff wilson)

geoff is a rad mixed race queer anarchist that believes in creating communities of love and still dreams of smashing the state. he identifies as an addict in recovery. he wishes to politicize his experiences with substance use and sobriety while unravelling the limited representation of the addicted body.

what stories are pushed to the margins? what experiences are ignored or deemed unimportant? what perspectives are not given space? who decides which stories will be recorded as history, which perspectives will be considered truth and which experiences will be discarded, overrided and marginalized? please join us for an intimate evening of art and expression which seeks multiple perspectives and makes space for marginalized truths. we invite multiple imaginings of sexuality, queerness, disability, race, sex, gender, addiction, recovery, trauma, violence, resistance, spirituality, healing, community, family and beyond. coming together to make space for multiple stories, experiences and perspectives. from the margins, with love.

photo geoff wilson

clementine morrigan is a femme as fuck tomboy witch. her first book, rupture, was published in 2012. she produced a short film entitled resurrection in 2013. she writes a zine called seawitch and also works on other zine projects. she’s a multidisciplinary artist and writer. her work frequently takes up gendered violence, child abuse, trauma, psychiatrization, art as a tool of empowerment, addiction / alcoholism, recovery, intoxication culture, queerness, femme and spirituality. she hopes that her work will function as an invitation, encouraging others to tell their own stories.

new mutt by geoff from the zine “fractured///enigmas” “fractured///enigmas” is a 36 page full colour zine that features photography and creative writing pieces. the zine explores and complicates understandings of identity, intimacy, community & spirituality. do you want me to be honest? i really like you. i think the work you do is amazing, you’re super rad to talk to and you’re a total babe. it would be cool if we could hang out sometime. i would like to be honest but it’s really hard. i wonder, how come i can never be honest with my intimate feelings for people? when i am into someone, i feel unworthy of love, guilty that someone would take the time to get to know me, ashamed to feel affection and afraid of rejection that would just affirm all my feelings of inadequacy. i cry as i write this because these feelings hurt. they are so real. i really think that i missed out on something really important when i was growing up. i’m intimidated

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i missed out on even more when i started to use drugs. submerged in weed smoke, coming up to take breathes of meth. i treaded lightly with alcohol with daily shots of k. i’m a bottler. i stuff my feelings deep and continue to stuff my feelings deep down until i can’t take it. my neglected, unexpressed discontentment is pressure cooked. my voice become terror. let me be blunt because i am usually not. i have a hard time with nakedness, with skin and with my heart. i can be all in my head thinking: yeah i’m super into this person, they’re awesome, i really want to get to know them and collaborate on projects with them. i usually stay in my head, thinking and neglecting the acting. i would like to say i can take rejection and i really think i can but it’s just that i try to avoid it at all costs. so i just never take the risk at all. could we kiss and not be lovers? i want to do it. just for the touch. just for the feel of your chapped lips brushed against my tempered check. can we and not be in love? i just want to be friends and have this never end. no one has taught me how to emotionally talk with people. i never picked up on flirting because i picked up drugs. i used drugs because i wanted to get high and say fuck it to everything else. i still have never picked up on flirting. i express this concern to friends and get “oh you know, it’s not something i can explain to you. you just do it. it’s something you pick up on.” how do i express my affectionate feelings for someone? this is my dilemma: i have challenges communicating my feelings, multiplied by my distance with intimacy and magnified by my fears to avoid rejection. i have a complicated relationship with many things, including nakedness.

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photo geoff wilson

because no matter how tall a person is, it feels like they are standing over me, looking down. i was such a sour kid at times. i was lying to teachers, cheating on tests and stealing pokemon cards from kids in the playground way before i left elementary school. i pause, take a break to disassociate. this is a part of my process. i’m sure i was taught morals growing up but i did not understand the significance between right or wrong. i never knew how to express how i felt, not even in the most basic sense. i never knew how to say i needed something, how to say i was angry at someone or to tell someone that i was bothered. i never learned how to express that i cared for someone, that i appreciated their time, that i loved them. i learned how to kiss but never how to hug. i never knew i had a voice.

i am trying to live free, to let the tears drop without resistance. i am trying to show a little bit of skin, to open up my heart and spirit to the possibilities with others. not too long ago, i learned how to hug. i learned how to embrace, and accept the embrace of another person’s body without the fear of getting too close. i am learning to allow myself to feel, to feel my emotional realness in the moment and to no fret over it. i am learning to show some skin and take some risks. a letter to my kinda sorta maybe might be friends by clementine morrigan from the zine “seawitch” seawitch is a quarter-size zine with 40 pages. this text-heavy zine is about friendship, polyamory, love and queerness. it’s about why i love being femme, ptsd, depression and internalized ableism. it’s about intoxication culture, spirituality, paganism and being a witch. it’s about fear and surrender. i worked hard on this zine and i’m really happy with it. dear friends and sort of friends and almost friends and acquaintances i am afraid of you. i think yr really cool and i notice little things about you that make me want to get to know you more and sometimes when i talk about how sad i feel on facebook you send me really sweet messages and

photo geoff wilson

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comments that pull at my heartstrings and make me think we could *really* be friends, but the thing is, i’m really scared of you. i want to be able to hang out with you. maybe grab coffee and scribble poetry in our notebooks together. or wander through a park on a day a bit warmer than today. i want to hang out and talk about stuff and maybe get a little closer and maybe even start to trust each other a little bit. i want to tell you that i’m feeling pretty overwhelmed with life, that i don’t have all the answers, that i’m really interested in learning new stuff but so much of the time i am so overcome with fear and i have no energy. i want to ask you how you’re doing and listen with an open, honest heart and not try to fix or solve anything, just listen and talk about it. i want to point out the graffiti that i like and share stories with each other about our cats. i want to tell you about how i’m in love and i can’t believe it and i want you to tell me all about the travels you have gone on without getting too jealous. i want to ask you questions and learn stuff from you. i want to cook you food but i’m pretty weird about food and sharing it with other people even though i like cooking for myself. i want to talk about music and maybe even tell you some music that i like but i’m actually pretty private about that and really weird about it too but maybe if you want to we can play guitar together sometime. i hope you won’t judge me for not being that good. i really love to play. i want to let you in. i don’t want to hold all these messy, scrambling, rambling, vulnerable, sweet and broken parts of me back. i want to let you in. i want to love you and let you love me in the way that friends do. maybe we can ride bikes together or just talk about random things and laugh. i actually long for this. i’m tired of being lonely. and even though i do have friends, it is so hard for me to bring you close and let you in. i am so scared of you. i want to go slow and take time and honour the process and all that. but i want to do it for real. like, take the risk and let you closer. i want to stop pretending that i’m all cool and calm and collected and i got my shit together because i don’t. i’m a nervous wreck. i’m an introvert. i’m socially awkward as hell but get me talking one on one and off we go. i know we could hit it off. i feel like there are so many people on the peripheries

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photo clementine morrigan

of my life. some of you even dare to come close, casting glances my way, slipping love notes in between the cracks in my walls, being kind to me. i take it in but not too much, i don’t get my hopes up, i don’t let you really see me. because i am afraid. i am afraid that i’m really a mess. that the whole thing will be a mess. that if you really knew me you wouldn’t like me. and if i really knew you i couldn’t trust you. and in the end we’ll just end up hurting each other because isn’t that what friends do? and life is so messy and so rocky and there are so many leaps of faith and so many risks and i’ve learned to just stay safe and scared and alone and secretly wishing we could be friends but never reaching out my hands. so this is my confession. a first step in that direction. an intention. to start trying. to be friends. xo with love, clem

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