A Wife’s Tale

It was 9am one sunny Bay of Plenty morning and I had just finished my farm-life chores (feeding lambs, collecting eggs, cleaning the hen house, walking the dog, pulling out thistle, among other joyful things).

I looked out the kitchen window and saw Shaun’s ute pull up, a little bit too fast. Without a word said, I could tell he was upset as he stomped inside and flicked the kettle on, banging a few cupboards shut as he moved around the kitchen (Did you know that there is an aggressive way to get a spoon out of the draw?)

Upset could be the wrong word. Red-faced furious could be better.

“What’s up?” I asked with concern. We have been working on communication and so instead of his usual reply of Nothing’s Wrong, he launched into his pain.

“I got a call from our manager. He’s leaving”

Now, this story needs a back story. Our manager had been off on ACC for 7 months, and also for 2 months the year previous. Motorbike accidents are like that. We had held his job open for him the whole time despite the enormous hole he had left in our small business. He was excellent at his job, the best digger driver around actually. We had been anticipating his return this week, but he’d left it to the last day to tell us he was leaving... and going to work for one of our subbies.

Although I could see anger on my husband’s face, I knew that it masked deep hurt and betrayal. We have nurtured a culture of matemanship in Davies Fencing, where all our staff, including the bosses and subbies, treat each other like mates. We included him in our Friday beers, celebratory bbqs, even put him through a First Aid course while he was away on ACC.

And this is the reality of owning a business.

Despite our best efforts to keep our staff, at the end of the day they have to choose for them. And if that means leaving for more money, more opportunities, or just a change then that’s what they will do. It’s often not personal.

But it sometimes feels that way. Especially when Shaun found out he had to pay him holiday pay for the time he was on ACC. Big. Gulp.

I looked at my husband with his head down into his cup of tea; milk, one sugar and the bag left in. He’s far from perfect, he has his own issues, but he’s a good man, and does good by his staff.

The fury had subsided with the cup of tea and he now seemed broken.

Except he wasn’t.

Having big feelings doesn’t make you broken. It means you are learning and growing (if you choose to use the experience to learn and grow).

So instead of pushing his feelings to the side and distracting him with sex, which is his preferred way of coping, we talked.

I know, I know, it doesn’t seem nearly as much fun, but talking about their feelings is something that men suck at, and need to get better at, because too many of our men are stressed and unwell and sometimes make poor or even devastating choices when they don’t talk.

I asked some questions and I listened, allowing him to express his anger and his hurt. Sometimes it would be expressed in frustration at the dog or at a tool that had broken or a comment taken the wrong way. And I would later ask and bring his awareness to the manager situation so he could express his feelings about it again. Keeping him talking about it was key. Not in a “let’s keep bitching about it” kind of way, but more of a “let’s see if we can feel better about this” approach.

And this went on for a few weeks. The bigger the emotion the longer it takes to heal. I was right beside him all the way because running our small business means we don’t have the capacity for on-going psychological services or fancy retreats for wellbeing. But we do have each other – and maybe that’s better? As his wife it’s an honor to support him in these ways (and other fun ways too).

Angelena Davies

Angelena Davies is a wife and mum who happens to have a Masters degree in Social Sciences. Alongside running Davies Fencing she is also a coach, facilitator and author helping children and adults to access “flow” so their lives are easier and more fun.