Do I Need To Join AA? (Amazonaholics Anonymous, that is) Wednesday, July 15, 2015 by: Cherise McVicar, CEO Watermark Worldwide, LLC Tags: Amazon, Marketing, Entertainment, Universal Studios, Minions, Costco, Whole Foods Market
Let me start my confession with a disclaimer: I’m honestly NOT a typical “consumer.” I don’t go to the mall to browse. I rarely window shop, and I’ve never been a catalogue buyer. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against shopping, per say, or those of you who find the siren song of the local mall irresistible; I simply don’t like being a victim of marketing. I’m a marketer myself. It’s my job to convince others to embrace brands and use entertainment in order to sell products, but I’m not a fan when someone else does it to me. Bees aren’t supposed to eat all their own honey, right? Thus, I typically elect not to participate in big sales, coupon collecting or the holiday rat race, and I bemoan the fact that Halloween has become a holiday where people decorate as if it’s Christmas, all placing the same giant inflatable monsters and spiders from Costco on their lawns. No thank you. Being the Type-A task master that I am, I generally subscribe to the “seek and destroy” method of shopping. You know my kind – I’m the one who goes shopping only when I absolutely have to. In those times, I’m not unlike a hunter stalking its prey. I make a list of needs and then go out and do the deed; check the box; done deal. In fact, in my more corporate days, you could find me “power buying” a dozen outfits in my one brief free hour between kickboxing and a dinner meeting (conveniently located at the same mall, of course). Goal accomplished; enough said. Fast forward to today. Meet My New BFF! Enter the behemoth they call (cue Hans Zimmer-style music swell) Amazon! They are not called “Babbling Brook” for a reason, mind you; it’s THE AMAZON! It might as well have real piranhas in it for the speed at which I’ve been devoured. I started with a few purchases here and there. It was quick and easy, painless and rather satisfying. But somehow, like the frog in that cautionary tale who was slowly boiled to death in water that was gradually heated, I slowly but surely set aside my beliefs and became a marketer’s dream. Yep, I unwittingly abandoned all of my “just say no to marketing”- principles, tumbled from my historic high-horse and now the joke is on me. Drawn like a moth to the flame; a lamb to the slaughter; a fly to honey or a magnet to steel (you decide which idiom you prefer), I dove head first into the Amazon, and am going down for the third time. Never have I been so comfortable parting with my hard-earned dollars. It’s instant gratification at its finest. Just One Click (copyright Amazon?), and I’m in the Ama-zone! (Blast you, Bezos, and your ubiquitous boxes. More about those later.) Adding the Amazon Primal Punch Unfortunately, it kept getting worse. Standard shipping not fast nor exciting enough for you? Why not try Amazon Prime’s two-day shipping? It’s just a “trial” membership, right? Yep, that’s how they getcha: Prime is a “gotta have it” part of everyday life. Now, do you see how Amazon is so, well….BIG (hence the name), and I have become so small in comparison? It’s David vs. Goliath, Joe vs. the Volcano (no doubt available on Amazon Instant Video?) or any other unfair pairing, real or fictional, you can imagine. No matter how hard I try to fight it, I can’t seem to get off of this runaway train I have dubbed, “The Amazon Express” (Sorry, Amazon, you can’t own all the clever phrases.) Please, Mr. Postman? Next they had the audacity to add Sunday deliveries. Deliveries. On a Sunday? Gone is the once-holy “day of rest”, trampled by a small army of Postal Service workers wandering in the desert, carrying
Amazon boxes on high as if they were the Ark of the Covenant, overflowing with the spoils of capitalism. Next thing you know they’ll be singing, “Ama-zon grace, how sweet the sound.” Sweet sound is right. It’s the sound of more money in Amazon’s piggy bank. Recently, as if Sunday deliveries weren’t enough, Amazon has upped the ante by offering SAME DAY delivery in Los Angeles and other major markets. Do you understand the ramifications of this move for someone like me? I was already sliding down the slippery slope. Same day delivery means I can place my orders before breakfast and for a small additional fee (just a “micro-charge”, right?), I will be opening those delicious little boxes by dinnertime. Sorry family, you’re on your own for a meal. Amazon Prime Day of “Wreck”oning Last but not least, today is Amazon Prime Day. Yahoo! (sorry, I mean Amazon!!) Oh, it’s also my nephew’s birthday today. Happy Birthday, Bryce! My friend Heidi’s birthday is Thursday, and my motherin-law, Sheila, turns 85 on Friday. Would you all like gifts from Amazon? Hope so, because that’s what you’re getting….again. Truth be told, I have absolutely no idea what Amazon Prime Day really means or is, but I’m already sucked into the marketing of it all. They’ve promised there will be “more deals than Black Friday”, and whereas in the past the phrase “Black Friday” was anathema to my once-composed, self-controlled, discretionary buyer persona, I suddenly find myself dreaming of logging into my Amazon account and finding that all of my “Save for Later” items are available at discount for one day only. (Guess that part was too good to be true.) Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs The warning signs of addiction are easy enough to spot. When delivery vehicles come one, two, even three times a day, you have a problem. (Our neighbors probably think I’m running an import business on the side.) You should KNOW you’re in trouble when you recognize which size box is an A1, or A3, or a K3 (my personal favorite…it’s bigger and holds more). Currently, my porch has become a sanctuary for the Minions, staring at me through their goggles from their cute yellow boxes. (Special thanks to my marketing friends at Universal Pictures for aiding my folly with the cutest boxes in town. I’m afraid you’re not helping me out of this quagmire, now are you?) Road To Recovery – Admit You Have A Problem Clearly, I’m completely out of control, and it’s time for me to extricate myself from this Amazononian nightmare I’ve created. It’s time for an intervention. So, I did some research and learned that with any good program, the first step is admitting you have a problem and that you are powerless to do anything about it. This article is all the evidence needed. I’m guilty as charged. The next step is to submit to a higher power, and so I did, refocusing my time, my energy and my money toward that higher power. Move over Amazon…Hello, Whole Foods! That, however, is a WHOLE other story for a WHOLE other day. Any other day except Amazon Prime Day, of course! (Speaking of which, don’t even bother trying to buy the “amazonaholicsanonymous.com” URL, because it’s no longer available…oops, busted again.)
About the author: Cherise McVicar is CEO of Watermark Worldwide, LLC, an entertainment marketing and promotions agency based in Southern California. Contact: cherise@watermarkww.com