A Fertile Heart - Year 10 (S) by fertileheart.org.uk

Key Stage 4 Year 10

A Fertile Heart Receiving & Giving Creative Love

Love is creative. To have a fertile heart is to love, grow and make a positive difference.

A Fertile Heart Receiving & Giving Creative Love

Children have a natural desire to love. They have a longing to make a difference. They love growing. A Fertile Heart helps them understand that these desires are all connected. God’s first words to us were, “Be fertile!” And the whole of the Bible teaches us that we are fertile through healthy, loving relationships – with God and each other. Learning to authentically and appropriately receive and give love leads to us having fertile hearts. Using the concept ‘fertile’ helps the children see the similarity between plants growing through fertile soil, sun and water, and us growing through a caring environment, love and truth.

Key Stage 4: Year 10

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love Panda Press Publishing would like to thank the following contributors to A Fertile Heart: Kathryn Lycett, John Cook, Mary Dickenson, Maryanne Dowle, Bernadette Eakin, Christopher Hancox, Louise Kirk, Gavin McAleer and Rebecca Surman Thanks also to Dr Charlie O’Donnell, Joe Smiles, Michael H. Barton, Mary Flynn, Rev Dr Stephen Morgan and Fr Wayne Coughlin for their kind support. ISBN: 978-1-9164575-3-9 A Fertile Heart KS4 Scripture quotations taken from various authorised translations. Every effort has been made to locate copyright holders and to obtain permission to reproduce sources. For those sources where it has been difficult to trace the originator of the work, we would welcome further information. If any copyright holder would like us to make an amendment, please inform us and we will update our information during the next reprint. All images and illustrations used under licence. Design © 2021 Panda Press Publishing Limited Illustrations and Images: Shutterstock All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the Publisher who can be contacted at hello@fertileheart.org.uk British Library Catalogue Publication Data. A catalogue record for this publication is available from the British Library. Printed and bound in the UK and published under licence by Panda Press Publishing Ltd, 1 Newcastle Street, Stone, Staffordshire, ST15 8JU Company Number 11786188 Printed, bound and distributed in Australia by Createl Publishing, 98 Logistics Street, Keilor Park, Victoria 3042, t: 03 9336 0800, f: 03 9336 0900, www.createl.com.au Keep in touch Facebook @afertileheart Linkedin.com/company/a-fertile-heart Twitter @afertileheart visit A Fertile Heart at www.fertileheart.org.uk Version 7, September 2021

Imprimatur:

Nihil Obstat for KS2, 3 & 4: Reverend Jonathan Veasey. Bernard Longley, Archbishop of Birmingham, 30th November 2020.

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love

04/07/2018

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8e/Coat_of_arms_of_George_Stack.svg

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Foreword His Grace George Stack, Archbishop of Cardiff Feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel “The Glory of God is humanity fully alive”. Thus wrote St. Irenaeus in the 3rd century. His words remain true to this day. They mean that God is the creator of the gift of life. In that gift, each human person receives a share in His own creative love. His revelation in life and love, as well as through creation, is pure gift. This is the ‘grace’ of which we speak, in order that “we may have life and have it to the full” (Gospel of St. John 10:10). This truth lies at the heart of the Gospel. It is what it means to be truly human. The gift of life is bestowed by God in order that we may flourish and thrive. We do this in the first place simply by living with gratitude. We do it by responding to His love in a life of joyful communion with Him. We express it by actively engaging in the good of others so that mutual ‘flourishing’ may take place. The more we give, the more we receive. The ‘Gospel of Life’ outlined above is, indeed, ‘Good News’. It is revealed in every aspect of human nature and creation itself. This is the life-giving teaching we seek to hand on to our children who are “the messages we send to tomorrow”. The Rite of Baptism reminds us that parents are the first and best teachers of their children. The Catholic school exists primarily to educate children to receive and respond to God’s love for each one of them and for all. Our schools are designed to help parents fulfil their God given task of caring for their children in the school of love. The Catholic school is not just a place for professional education – existing for improvement in learning - important though that is. It is a place of formation, a place in which ‘lessons for life’ are imparted, received and shared. The whole school community teaches and learns these lessons in a truly Catholic environment. Human relationships are obviously at the heart of life and flourishing. We are made to relate to each other, body, mind and spirit. The physical, emotional and spiritual reality of our being are part and parcel of the ‘holy trinity’ of each one of us. Thus affective sexuality education is a crucial part of human formation. A Fertile Heart is the culmination of several years work of dedicated individuals [teachers, theologians, education advisers and parents] from within the dioceses of Birmingham, Cardiff, Clifton, Arundel and Brighton and Shrewsbury. They have worked tirelessly to create a resource which puts the human person and the flourishing of our pupils at the heart of the Catholic school. It is offered as an important aid to pupils, parents, teachers, governors and clergy to remind us all that “We are God’s work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live the good life as from the beginning God had meant us to live it” (Ephesians 2:10).

Introduction If you don’t know how a car works, you’re not likely to be able to fix it. If you don’t know something about how crops grow, you’re not likely to be a great farmer. If you don’t understand a mobile phone, you’re not likely to get the most out of it. Understanding what it is to be a human person will help us know how to think and act, and so be happy and fulfilled. This booklet is part of a curriculum that goes from Reception to Y11, comprising ten modules every KS4 year. A Fertile Heart offers you a vision of what it is to be human, helping you to understand yourself more deeply, and therefore make better, more informed choices. An important dimension to being human is the need for love and relationship. Another is the desire to grow and make a meaningful difference. It is important to see the connection between growing and love: love helps us grow, true growth helps us love more. We can only truly grow and make a meaningful difference if we understand our meaning and purpose, which itself comes from each of us understanding who I really am. So, we first need to understand ourselves in our given-ness - including what it is to be human - and in our uniqueness - our personhood, thinking and choices. That is quite hard to understand at first, but basically I didn’t decide to be human, or the make-up of who I start out as - so I have to understand my ‘starting point’. Then I need to understand the end to which I am called - what full human maturity is - to be as loving as God. Once I know where I’m coming from, and where I am going, I can also understand my amazing ability to cooperate in growing, in becoming that person - and in helping others to do the same! Key to gaining correct self-understanding is the ability to think correctly. If we don’t get that process right we won’t understand ourselves correctly: we’ll be fooled by pressures that tempt us to sell ourselves short. It is truth, and our ability to reason, that protect us from this. Reason and faith are friends. We are often told that they are not, but if any faith belief is irrational, it is clearly wrong. Instead, authentic faith strengthens reason and opens it up to deeper realities. Please don’t be fooled into a false choice between faith and reason - we need them both to grow. The modules agree with the Catholic faith, but are founded on reason - and are therefore able to be received by all students - of all faiths, and none. They reflect logically on human experience, and encourage you to gradually learn to do the same. Central to the understanding of being human is that we are called to be ‘fertile’ - to grow and make a difference. We love doing both. What is important to understand is that, at its deepest reality, all creativity, all ‘fertility’, comes, not simply from the things we do, but rather, from the communion of loving persons. This love is revealed in what we call ‘reciprocal complementarity’. Reciprocal complementarity is when, as well as the equality of each person, the God-given differences between persons shape the relationship between them in a bond of mutual love. If you think of a doubles tennis partnership - it develops from both persons developing their own ability, and deepening the understanding and team work of the partnership. All reciprocal complementarity works like this. Reciprocal complementarity is true within God himself, of the relationship of each of us with God, and our relationships with each other. Within this creativity is the fertility of procreation, but so are all dimensions of creativity and growth. This course seeks to help you understand your deeper fertility at the heart of your personhood, and your ability to cooperate with others for the good of all. This will allow you to gradually understand your biological fertility within this deeper, richer understanding of the communion of persons. From this we can understand marriage and therefore, sexuality, sex and parenthood in a richer, beautiful way. This curriculum is not dumbed down. Some of the concepts dealt with might challenge and stretch you, but the modules have been tried and tested and found to really engage and lead on young persons. Please persevere in them. And if you do, you will find the self-knowledge gained helps you in all your other subjects, too. Whatever family you come from, we are confident you will understand the examples we use to reflect on the importance of love. And with love there always comes joy, so we do ask you to enjoy these modules too, by entering into them and engaging with your teacher and class. It would also really help if parents or others at home could join in, too. Every week your teacher may give you one of the activities to go back home with for discussion. That way, we all join in the journey, and hopefully all grow and enjoy it.

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love

We move, in Y10, to thinking about how sex is meant to be a means of giving myself in love. For sex to be meaningful and the persons to be authentic, this genuine self-giving has to be given much more importance than simply learning about its physical and biological dimensions. Y10 starts, then, with understanding the importance of self-reflection: as Karl Jung said, “who looks outside dreams, who looks inside awakens”. By honestly looking inside, I can gradually learn to govern myself through better choices, and so possess myself more. This means I am able to give myself more, because I cannot give what I don’t possess. This is true of all my personhood, including my sexuality. Knowing this helps me in my relationships, because I focus on the things that really matter. To have confidence to make that journey within, you have to trust that you are loved and already beautiful within (10a). A difficult concept to understand is that there is an objective dimension to love and a subjective one: a given-ness and a choice (10b). The given-ness offers direction; the personal choice gives movement. It is the inner journey that most reveals the objective dimension. It is worth persevering with this difficult concept as it really does open up an understanding of true growth and freedom. Actually making the journey within requires stillness and a focus on being and on love; panic and over-busy-ness work against this (10c). Within personhood we discover masculinity or femininity, at the heart of which is the complementary dynamic of loving so as to be loved more, and being loved so as to love more (10d). Sex should express this dynamic within a communion of persons, and so complement every other aspect of the relationship (10e). For sexuality to fully be a vehicle of self-gift to the other, it first has to be offered to God in chastity (10f ). This gives it its right objective dimension. Otherwise, people get very hurt. Thus, understanding one’s fertility more allows for it to be offered more authentically, resulting in deeper joy (10g). The bonds of love connected with marital love - between spouses and between parent and child - are reflected and supported, chemically, by oxytocin and vasopressin (10h). We finally look at two different dimensions of fertility. Suffering, initially, seems the opposite of fertility - a decrease rather than an increase. However, when undergone in love, it becomes a decreasing for the other, which is taken up into the greatest fertility of all (10i). The workplace shows that work reflects marriage in a central way: it is in relationship, as a communion of persons, that we are most creative (10j). We have, obviously, covered most of the course already. Much of Y11 now focuses on virtue: how to think and act best, and in accord with our nature. We have, say, the virtue of patience, when we naturally are patient in every circumstance. That doesn’t come easily! The more we understand patience, the more we will want to be patient. Every time we chose to be patient, against what our emotions are telling us, we do become more patient in ourselves. So, if we keep choosing patience, we gradually find it easier and easier to be patient. Practice makes perfect! It becomes a virtue when there is no longer any battle going on within me: my intellect, will and emotions all ‘point the same way’. As we said, this isn’t easy, but it is worth the effort! We start this year with a summary of much of what has gone on before: The Fertile Person, uniquely expressed through our sexuality (11a). Then we look at the intellectual virtues: how we seek to discern truth, not decide it, through reflecting on our sense perception and emotions, and trying to understand them ever more deeply (11b). Then we move onto the four moral - often called ‘cardinal’ - virtues. Prudence is applying well the general understanding we have to specific situations. Modules 11c & d seek to do this for various situations relevant to your year group. Next we look at justice - something Y11s normally have a great passion for (11e)! Then we reflect on temperance (11f ) and fortitude (or courage, 11g) which are focused on the connected impulses of living and growing, and of not dying or suffering. The whole curriculum then finishes with a deepened revisit of the beauty and dignity of the ability to share in the creation of a new human person (11h); a reflection on our role as stewards in passing on, to the next generation, the gift of creation, enhanced by our efforts (11i); and lastly, the amazing fertility of forgiveness, which allows the other person to get up and try again - without which, all the theory in the world is useless because we all fail so often (11j). Enjoy the course - and, together, change the world through your fertile hearts and minds!

Glossary Person A rational being for whom relationship is central to their fulfilment and happiness. This is a richer understanding than ‘individual’, which can mean a thinking being whose fulfilment is found primarily in themselves. Fertility The capacity to cooperate in growth. We are not Creators, but we are not sterile either: we can cooperate in our own growth, the growth of the other and the relationship between us. We tend to think in terms of babies when we hear the word fertile, but you can have fertile crops or a fertile imagination or intellect, etc. Understanding fertility in this broader sense helps us understand that it is as a person that you are fertile, not primarily as a gender: every person is called to be fertile in this sense and every person can be. It is through communion with God and each other, in love, that we are most fertile. Freedom The ability to readily act in complete accord with my true nature - in harmony with who I truly am. True human freedom always seeks truth and love. The false understanding of freedom is to be able to do what I like. Tolerance Respect for the other’s true freedom. (So, if we misunderstand freedom, we will misunderstand tolerance as well.) Nature The given-ness of something, of who I am. Justice Acting in accord with the nature of things. Joy The deepest experience of being alive, growing, and being in life-giving relationship; of being and living in accord with who I truly am. Initiator The one who takes a lead in a relationship of love: not a controller or someone who dominates, but one who initiates out of love for the other. In turn, the initiator receives from the receiver & responder. Receiver & Responder The one who first receives from the initiator in a communion of love, and loves in return by accepting the love offered and responding to it. In the Bible, this receiving of love is often called obedience or submission, but in a respectful way that is in no way demeaning, and is fulfilled in the response - often an initiating in itself - being then received by the initiator, and responded to, etc. - resulting in a life-giving relationship of mutual submission and respect. Reciprocal Complementarity This is the relationship of love between initiator and receiver & responder, where both persons benefit from the other and their genuine differences enrich each other. It helps us see how right order in relationship does not mean domination, but rather can be mutually beneficial. It can be seen that the three above definitions are interconnected. This relationship is primarily between persons, but can also be between things - such as reason and emotions. Appropriate Vulnerability Relationship and intimacy require a certain vulnerability on behalf of both persons. Especially as we are growing, we can tend towards too little vulnerability or too much. Appropriate vulnerability is the ability to allow one’s relationships to grow steadily and with appropriate boundaries, that benefit both persons.

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love

Year 10 Modules a-j

Contents: Year 10 Year 10 deals most with human sexuality, beginning with the importance of trusting in one’s own beauty. It explores the integration of the objective and subjective dimensions of life and love: reality and feelings. This requires thoughtfulness, stillness and patience. We then see the beauty of complementarity between masculinity and femininity. This helps us see authentic sex as expressing a communion of love. We truly own our sexuality by offering it to God, in chastity. Adolescence is an important time for getting in touch with the joy of fertility, in every dimension, and learning how our biology and our hormones affect us. Finally, we look at the very important issue of the fertility of suffering, and then at how to be fertile within society. Module 10a: You’re beautiful! To appreciate that when we understand our true beauty, we cooperate with it and become more beautiful. When we panic into settling for second best, we sell ourselves short and tarnish our beauty. Module 10b: Growing up: objective and subjective love To understand the difference between the truth of love and the movement of love, and why they need to be integrated into true personal love. Module 10c: Being and Stillness; Personhood and Panic Knowing God loves me dispels fear and allows me to gradually, fully discover who I am, what is going on inside me, and how that can be fully integrated - so that I can become a happy, relational, fertile person. Module 10d: Equality and Complementarity To be clear that God created male and female equal in dignity. To understand complementarity specifically in relation to male and female. To begin to think through what makes up this complementarity. Module 10e: Sex as Expressing a Communion of Love To more deeply understand the intimate link between the communion of love and fertility, which is uniquely reflected in marriage and sexual union. Module 10f: Sexuality and Relationship with God To understand that we are called first to enter into communion with God, within his communion of love, and how this then opens us up to deeper communion with each other, and opens us up to greater responsibility. Module 10g: The Joy of Fertility To realise that the whole process of discovering one’s fertility, understanding and owning it, and offering it appropriately, makes up one of the greatest joys of life. To be more aware of what can help or hinder this process. Module 10h: Sexual bonding To understand something of our complementary biology and the hormones that are connected with sexual activity and how they affect women and men, so that we can make wiser choices. Module 10i: Fertility of Suffering To reflect on how the brokenness of life does not diminish the truth of the human calling and, through the Cross, can even be at the heart of even deeper growth. Module 10j: Social fertility To apply what we have learnt about the pattern of fertility - making a difference, growing and helping others to grow - to our role in society.

10a

You’re beautiful!

Learning Objective To appreciate that when we understand our true beauty, we cooperate with it and become more beautiful. When we panic into settling for second best, we sell ourselves short and tarnish our beauty. Activity 1: Watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihkxNemwNec Listen to the lyrics. Ponder why James Blunt felt the need to write this song. Who was it written to?

“You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14.

Step 1 James Blunt was right. You are beautiful. But it is sometimes hard for you to believe. When one group of teenage girls was asked what was important about a boyfriend, they included that he “maintained the woo!” – Meaning that they didn’t want him to just say nice things when he was “chatting her up” - but when they were going out too. We may associate comments about beauty being directed more towards females - or not - but all of us like to be complimented, or at least feel appreciated. It’s quite vulnerable being human! And perhaps even more vulnerable when growing into an adult. The thing is we are made with an antenna for the truth, and for what is important, and the truth is that you are important and you are beautiful because you are loved. You are not loved because you are important. Activity 2. In groups, pairs or on your own design your perfect partner. List all the qualities you think will make this partner of yours ‘beautiful’. Remember not to think just physical (exterior) but also of their character (interior), personality and soul. Now prioritise these traits. Be ready to present your beautiful person to the class. Step 2 Activity 3. Watch the Dove advert ‘Evolution’ and discuss as a class. https:// www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U&t=2s We can so easily be trapped by a very defined beauty - high cheek bones, slim figure, the ‘right’ vital statistics, followed by the right make-up, jewellery, designer clothes, and fashion accessories. A risk with this is that cosmetic procedures can become tempting, but can often be dangerous to both your health and your looks. The bigger trouble is by this measure no one ever feels truly beautiful. They are always more aware of their imperfections. And being told simply that you are physically beautiful doesn’t hit the mark anyway, because your deeper longing is for something more. If we don’t feel beautiful, we find it harder to feel loved. And so we start to try and control. What happens when people are trying to be beautiful, but still don’t think they are? Maybe you start buying more and more ‘stuff’ to make you more beautiful. Perhaps you dress differently to how you used to, to force people to notice you. Nearly always, it begins to get competitive.

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love

What we see in the mirror we often see through the filter of our self-perception.

Step 3

Suggested Activities

To understand how beautiful we are, we must focus on the whole of the person: the physical communicates the spiritual beauty of the person. How can eyes be so amazingly beautiful, if it was just down to physical beauty? Yet, somehow they can communicate something of the depth of the person. When we love someone, we love them, and their body is beautiful to us because it is their body. Especially when we fall in love, even the funny habits and imperfections of the other become attractive - simply because they are theirs. When people appreciate our inner beauty, then that appreciation sinks in, because deep down we know it is true and important, and so it stays with us much longer, if not for ever. Activity 4. Watch clip ‘I see you’ from the movie ‘Avatar’. https://www.youtube. com/watch?v=Eden--0aRmQ (1min 46). They greet each other saying “I see you” Discuss what you think might be the difference between ‘looking’ at someone and ‘seeing’ someone? Which is better do you think?

1. Go back to the drawings in Activity 2 on your perfect partner. Identify how many qualities were physical and how many qualities were character-related. Which are more important? Which sway us more? 2. “The most beautiful eyes are those that seek the beauty in others.” Can you connect this quote to the Avatar clip and explain how it might help a judgemental person who is very critical when it comes to the appearance of others. 3. Design a motivational post it note to stick on your bedroom mirror! 4.”It’s true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Margaret Wolfe Hungerford. Do you agree? Write a short reflection of 100 words that evaluates this statement and explains two different points of view. Give your own view in conclusion.

You are beautiful inside. Deeply beautiful. God doesn’t do ugly. Step 4 ‘Seeing’ someone is connected with seeing the whole person, and so is connected with respect and inner beauty, and in particular, respecting their thoughts, beliefs and choices. The more we realise so much of our beauty is given us, the more we relax and be, rather than trying to force ourselves to be beautiful. If we have the patience to develop and appreciate our inner beauty, so many pitfalls in life disappear.

Summary It is so tempting to attempt to control beauty, but that’s impossible. We can be so scared of not being beautiful, of no-one seeing our beauty, that we almost force it on them, while becoming mean about others. Having the courage to be loved allows for real beauty to shine. Having the confidence in your inner beauty needs patience, but leads to peace and freedom.

10b

Growing up: objective and subjective love

Learning Objective To understand the difference between the truth of love and the movement of love, and why they need to be integrated into true personal love.

Key Terms Subjective love includes our awareness, feelings, views, and flutters of the heart. Objective love is the truth that allows us to truly want what is best for the other. Step 1

Truth reveals love’s boundaries. “Boundaries allow clear communication to happen. Setting healthy boundaries takes a lot of courage.” Tricia Martin Owen.

Growing up is exciting and fun! It can also be confusing and scary. Lots of things seem to be happening to us and around us that we don’t understand. Life seemed so simple at 10! What tends to excite us is movement. Particularly as children, we love brightly coloured cartoons with lots and lots happening - an information overload. Adolescence seems to offer new movement with the promise of a new-found freedom. But movement isn’t enough by itself. If you want to get somewhere, you have to move in the right direction, facing the right way, following the right instructions. When we are lost or looking for something, we can get more and more frantic and impatient. Sometimes we need to stop, think it through or even ask/look for directions. Sat navs are great. But what about a sat nav for our emotions?

Truth + love = joy.

Sat nav allows us to choose the best route. In so many ways, we experience the tension between the fixed or objective dimension of our lives, and the moving, subjective dimension. But it doesn’t have to be a negative tension - they are meant to work in reciprocal complementarity (both feeding each other, helping each other). In all that we do, to do it well we have to understand and learn from the direction, the objective reality, which frees us to do it well. Truth is the sat nav for our emotions and impulses.

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love

“One day we will learn that the heart can never be totally right if the head is totally wrong. Only through the bringing together of head and heart, intelligence and goodness, shall a person rise to a fulfilment of their true nature.” Martin Luther King.

Step 2 Driving a car is enjoyable and gives independence - but it’s better to learn the Highway Code and how to drive, than just trusting in your innate ability! People love playing a game of football; passing practice can seem boring: but without this objective dimension of how to play, the person won’t play well. When they do have the skills, then their personal flair can shine. The same with playing an instrument, or painting, or composing, or cooking etc. None of your talents are purely natural - they need to be nurtured by education and application. Most of us enjoy eating and drinking. But by learning about diet, we can enjoy treats in moderation, and also learn to enjoy healthier food as well. Remembering that food is primarily for nutrition is the basis for good eating. Similarly, the whole of morality about the sexual act is completely rational, if we remember that it is primarily for reproduction. From that we can understand marriage, and chastity and genuine love and pleasure. Objective (gives direction)

Subjective (then makes it personal)

Drinking because we need to (water)

Drinking for the taste (e.g. fizzy drinks)

Practising passing and skills

Playing sport

Absorbing facts

Discussing and debating

Learning your Highway Code

Driving a car

Cooking and washing up

A meal for two

Understanding how you and I work

Falling in love in a way that can last

Understanding food nutrition

Enjoying eating

Developing gifts and talents

Using them

Activity 1. Draw a whole page outline of a human person. Over the top draw a triangle with the point at the head and the base around the stomach. Label a bottom corner 1. Subjective love: emotions, top corner 2. Objective love: the truth of being human (sat nav area) and the other corner 3. Virtue: personal, life-giving love. Now, in corner 1, write down some emotions involved in relationship, including sexual ones. Now think about how these can be destructive unless directed well. Instead draw an arrow from the emotion towards corner 2 and write down a truth that will help understand the emotion. Finally, draw an arrow to near corner 3 and write there a good result. E.g. corner 1, anger, corner 2, I know I can be too quick to judge sometimes, corner 3, patience - not saying something I’ll regret afterwards. Step 3 If we fall in love, it is very hard not to get swept along by just the subjective dimension of love alone, and easy to decide that the objective dimension will just get in the way. That’s what our emotions tell us, and they are VERY strong. But being strong doesn’t make them right. It is more important than ever to give time for the objective dimension to catch up. The first proof of true love is patience.

Activity 1.

Suggested Activities 1. Prepare a text message of 100 words about today’s lesson, for your absent friend. 2. Which point in today’s lesson did you most agree with? Explain why. 3. Write a short poem, rap or song that brings out the theme of today’s lesson. 4. “The greatest distance in the world is the 40 or so centimetres from your heart to your head”. Do you agree/disagree? Write up your thoughts showing you have considered more than one point of view.

Summary The subjective dimension of love is beautiful. It is also dangerous because, by itself, it leads us astray. If we are going to flourish as relational, fertile persons, we have to persevere and dig deep to understand the objective dimension of love, as well as experiencing the subjective dimension. Right boundaries and patience are lifegiving, rewarding and worth the wait.

10c

Being and Stillness; Personhood and Panic

Learning Objective To understand that knowing God loves me allows me to gradually, fully discover who I am, what is going on inside me, and how that can be fully integrated - so that I can become a relational, fertile person. To learn that I need have no fear of the ‘journey’ in becoming me. Step 1 Do you ever find it annoying when you are trying to speak to someone and yet they are on their phone, or paying more attention to the TV, perhaps texting someone, and you just know they are not really listening to you? Well this is true about listening to yourself too. We need stillness to get in touch with our true self. But why is stillness so hard? (Boring, scary, concentration span, distractions…) At the heart of the problem is facing myself. What if I find my real self and I don’t like what I find? Or I find I am alone? Or different from everyone else? Often, we convince ourselves that it is safer to encounter the ‘busy me’: the me that is always on the move; the me that never stops, thinks and reflects about who I really am.

“There are two great days in a person’s life the day we are born and the day we discover why!” William Barclay.

What if I don’t like what I see?

Avoiding truly ‘being’ with the other. Step 2 A simple truth about being a person is that we need to be loved to be able to face our deepest self. In doing that, we find things in us that don’t seem to ‘match up’, and that’s confusing. I learn I am a person who is easily tempted to lie, or to get angry, or gossip, or be mean. We know this doesn’t add up, and in our good moments we desire to overcome those impulses. In less good moments we decide they are okay and even justify them. Activity 1. Think of things you see other people doing that you don’t like and which really annoy you. Have a big brainstorm on these aggravating behaviours without getting personal! (Gossips, loud people, show offs etc.) Now ask yourself, have you ever done these or similar things? Can you think why this was? How might you be able to overcome this? At the same time think of some good things you have seen others doing. (E.g. being patient, charitable, and generous.) Have you done similar good things? What might have led you to doing them? How might you be able to repeat these impulses and actions? Do you think doing good things helps change you as a person?

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love

Being, not doing.

Step 3

Suggested Activities

Your personhood is beautiful: it is you, your self-awareness, and your ability to think, to choose, to relate. Your sexuality is beautiful, but secondary to your personhood. Nothing about your sexuality defines who you are. You are a person, a child of God, a unique being who can relate to others. Everything else is secondary to that. One thing is true of all of us: there is a tension between the objective dimension of our sexuality and our subjective experience of it - what you know to be right and the experiences you experience. Something about your sexual impulses won’t be fully geared to fertility and true growth. And that is nothing to panic about. These don’t make you different, or identify you. You may find impulses inside you to lust, or to fear sex, or to look on it as just physical, or just emotional; to separate it from commitment, from communication or from fertility. Your sexuality is a beautiful and fragile thing and it takes time to fully, truly emerge. If you act on such feelings, which can be very strong, it can draw you into physical expressions of attraction which are inappropriate and damaging, and can easily become compulsive. If you trust truth, are patient, and focus on growing as a person, these help your sexuality to become integrated as well. Activity 2. List a number of things you have to ‘wait’ for (e.g. the kettle to boil, summer holidays to arrive, your phone to charge.) Now identify what would happen if you didn’t ‘wait’ for these things to happen? What would happen if you took it/opened it/watched it before it was time?

1. Watch the video clip and/or listen to the audio clip. Discuss ways in which it/they help(s) us to appreciate the need for patience in our life journey. Watch: https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=Wtfpr582Vso Listen: https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=NswPPVgMaPE 2. Write out ten true or false statements on today’s lesson. Test your partner/class. 3. Can you design a flowchart for the main arguments in today’s lesson? 4. Compose a short play, cartoon strip or story on the value of waiting for things in life. 5. “Good things come to those who wait.” Do you actually think this is true? Write an evaluation of this statement showing that you have considered more than one point of view? You should conclude with your own viewpoint.

Love is always patient - including with yourself. Allowing yourself to be loved as you are also tends to help you be patient and forgiving with others - they are a work in progress too. This leads us not to manipulate, trick or condemn others - but to want what is best for them, give them space to grow, and seek their genuine consent in all things.

Summary Stillness and love focus me on my being. Panic and always being busy distract me from knowing myself. Focusing on being allows me to cooperate with the truth of my personhood, whatever my subjective experiences are. Particularly regarding sexuality, this allows for a process that is life-giving and re-assuring. It is mostly in the journey that I discover our common humanity, and God’s unique love for me. 15

10d

Equality and Complementarity

Learning Objectives To be clear that God created male and female, equal in dignity. To understand complementarity specifically in relation to male and female. To begin to think through what makes up this complementarity.

Key Word Complementarity: The differences between male and female becoming mutually beneficial.

“Love is… its own reward. I love because I love; I love in order to love. When God loves he wishes only to be loved in return.” St Bernard on the Song of Songs

Activity 1: Watch Humanum film series 1 up to 2:28 at https://vimeo. com/136970979 Discuss ‘the masculine and the feminine are more than just biological but cosmological’. Step 1 We sometimes seem a bit stuck in our culture between two extremes: a narrow stereotype of the man working, drinking, making all the decisions and the woman staying at home, in the kitchen cooking and cleaning and doing as she’s told on the one hand; and on the other, an aggressive stance that holds there is no difference at all between men and women, which focuses on competition and rights and everyone being an individual. Christianity offers a more moderate vision: complementarity. In 2013 (updated 2015) Bob Grant published an article in The Scientist: ‘Male and Female Brains Wired Differently’. He, and others, have argued from brain scans that women’s brains have increased connections between left and right lobes, whereas men’s brains have increased connections from front to back, within hemispheres, and that these differences only seem to emerge after the age of 14. This would seem to back up what is a common experience - that there are differences between the sexes, above and beyond the reproductive ones - and these may influence how our personal psyche and emotions operate.

Rigid stereotypes aren’t helpful.

Step 2 Some couples find the woman tends to be better at communicating her emotions, helping the man get more in touch with his, whereas the man is sometimes better at knowing when to move on from such reflection. Maybe connected with this, the woman can often process things by communicating them, whereas the man can prefer to process them and then communicate them. This can cause misunderstandings. Differing needs to initially share or be silent should be perceived as two different ways of doing things and nothing more.

Male and female he made them.

None of us is completely masculine or feminine - there is genuine fluidity within the reality of being male or female. One of the beauties of friendships with members of the other sex is that they can draw out a man’s more feminine traits and vice versa. And that is how it is meant to be: mutual enrichment. We help each other grow and we work together in co-operation. Activity 2: Think of a friend of the opposite sex. Write down some benefits of having this friend. Do they offer something ‘complementary’ that might be different from your friends of the same sex? Are there things you would or would not be prepared to do with and share with them because they are of the opposite sex? If yes, why is this? God given differences, when worked out, become enriching.

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Step 3 The differences between male and female are more central, and life-giving, when it comes to romantic love. The Church’s vision is that marriage reflects God, as Trinity - in that there is a lover, a beloved and the love between them. In this curriculum, we have spoken of the Father as the Initiator, The Son as the receiver-responder and the Holy Spirit as the love between them. But in marriage who is the initiator, and who the receiver-responder? Firstly, it is important to understand marriage within the couple’s relationship with God - and we are all receiver-responders to him. Secondly, marriage is primarily a communion of persons, a communion of love, so any initiating is done as gift to the other. Indeed, it is perhaps in our masculinity or femininity that we most clearly discern that both individuals are persons, who find fulfilment in a sincere, mutual gift of love. Thirdly, personhood, masculinity and femininity are all very deep mysteries, and it needs humility and a lot of reflection to be able to say anything about them. Pope John Paul II gave some very thoughtful meditations, over many years, on the idea that the complementarity of man and woman is most clearly seen in the sexual act which, as an icon or ideal representation of marriage, reveals the complementarity that exists at the physical, biological, emotional, psychological and, especially, spiritual level. Activity 3: What do you think: do females still prefer the male to be the one who asks her out? To ‘woo’ her? Does she want that ‘woo’ to continue afterwards, so that it is a genuine communication of affection rather than a means to an end? Who is acting as initiator in this? Many couples will speak of the fear they have when they have their first baby, and all the help they get with delivery etc. has gone and it’s down to just them. It is often the mum who takes the lead in this discovery of how to be parents. For instance, mums seem to be often better at distinguishing between the different cries the baby makes. Who is initiating then? Can you think of other examples where it tends to be the man or the woman who initiates? Step 4 A particularly sensitive situation is if any of us discovers a strong, continuous attraction for persons of the same sex, instead of the complementary sex. This calls for sensitivity, and perhaps even more so in our culture, when so many things seem to be polarised around this. We cannot deny the objective reality of sex being directed towards procreation and family, nor the link between this and marriage, commitment and parenthood. Nor can we deny if our subjective dimension moves us another way. It’s important that this is made clear: that Christ and his Church do not ask us to dismiss either of these dimensions, and that we grow when the objective truth shapes and directs our subjective experience. We have to have courage and patience to hold on to the truth and our experience, and cooperate in integrating them. This isn’t easy! And friendship and understanding can be crucial. Activity 4. Watch the following clip which explains further the issues in the previous paragraph. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLrRfwpvERU. If time permits discuss as a class or watch with parents at home and share your findings with the class at the start of the next lesson.

Suggested Activities 1. Watch and discuss. https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=9ICbtmdrpcI (Christopher West: Why Gender Differences Matter)(8:50). 2. Go around the room and interview 6 persons of the opposite sex and ask them what do they believe is the advantage of being that sex…collate your findings and discuss as a class. 3. “Are men and women equal and the same or equal but different?” Debate this question. 4. Play ‘devil’s advocate’. With a partner: one of you plays the devil’s advocate and argues against all the points in this lesson. How do you counter the arguments? 5. The French have a saying ‘Vive la difference!’ which means we should celebrate and enjoy the differences between men and women and not try and eradicate them. Do you agree? Write an evaluation that considers both points of view then explain and justify your conclusion.

Summary The differences between the sexes can be confusing sometimes. This can be made worse by stereotypes and ideologies being forced upon us. The Church speaks of equality, complementarity, reciprocal giving and receiving, and mutual enrichment. John Paul II spoke of truly understanding the sexual act as the way to unlocking the understanding of the complementarity of the sexes.

John Paul II offered his vision as a way for us to see that each person is “holy ground” and is someone who can help me understand myself better too. It encourages sensitivity between males and females. And it also helps us value motherhood and fatherhood. A world focused on power and control naturally demeans these and says that what you do, and how much you earn, count most.

10e

Sex as Expressing a Communion of Love

Learning Objective To more deeply understand the intimate link between the communion of love and fertility, which is uniquely reflected in marriage and sexual union. Step 1 We long to be close to those whom we love. Touch is a powerful way of communicating that. A handshake, a squeeze of the arm, a hug - these are all ways of showing different levels of affection. And then there’s the kiss! What’s that about?! Stepping back and thinking about it, kissing seems a bit strange! But we all know that it communicates intimacy - from a parent to child - in lots of cultures simply among friends - and maybe in a unique way between romantic lovers. Sometimes you might hear a mum tell her child she could eat them! The child never gets terrified by this, in fear of their life: they instinctively know it’s a statement of affection. And again, a shared meal can create intimacy too. In diverse ways, these seem to communicate that, for those we deeply love we want them close to us, and for someone particularly, inside us.

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.” Mt.19:4-6

A new human person.

Being inside mum has a lasting effect on us. Step 2 We can’t normally be inside the other. However, there are two very human relationships where this happens. They are physically very different, but in both cases being within another person, or having another person within us, deeply, intimately affects the relationship. This is precisely because we are not just physical; the physical affects the whole person. The one relationship is mother and child. There are many reasons why the mother-child bond is so strong, but not least of these is that the child has been inside the mother. The child doesn’t remember this; the mother very much does, but both are deeply affected. Activity 1: Discuss why a midwife will place the newborn baby near their mum’s heart. Discuss in general, our need for emotional security, and how this can be healthily met. The second is in sexual intercourse. Again, both man and woman are deeply affected by this. When done in love, they become one. In a healthy marriage, sex isn’t separate from the many ordinary expressions of love. Watch https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=hkOnH36S_pY Expressions of love (3:26). 18

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“Authentic love needs to be able to receive the other… to welcome with sincere and joyful gratitude the physical expressions of love found in a caress, an embrace, a kiss and sexual union.” Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, n. 157

Step 3 The foundational understanding of being human is that we are made in the image of God. We reflect him. This is profoundly reflected in marriage, where the love of husband and wife, within the love of God, constantly renews and deepens both persons, and the love between them. This overflows into the act of sex. When this is in its right setting of commitment and love it becomes not just a union of bodies, but a union of persons, who offer the precious gift of fertility to each other - and their love and fertility cooperate with God in the act of potentially creating a new human person, who is infinitely precious, almost infinitely vulnerable and entrusted to them. Their response to the child cannot be distinct from the love of the act. Jesus answered, “‘Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female’, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh.” Mt: 19: 4-6. Jesus is explaining that loving, marital sex is between two equal persons; not only do they become one flesh, but a communion of persons is formed. When the husband enters his wife’s body, he does not just enter her body with his body, but also enters her soul with his soul, her self with his self, and this is reciprocated by the wife: personal love. In the case of this personal union we might say 1+1=1! This mutual personal commitment goes hand in hand with informed consent. Activity 2: Have you ever seen a James Bond movie? In each movie he has a sexual relationship with a new, attractive girl. Yet there never seems to be a longlasting relationship, any joy - and no STI or pregnancy as a result of these sexual encounters. What are the dangers of representing such a false reality of sex? Activity 3: Discuss and make a mind map of all the ways in which people are influenced about sex: e.g. music, TV soaps etc. Share with the class and continue to add all to your own list. How is sex represented in different areas of media and communication?

Key Point In so many ways, human persons reflect the fertility of God, but it is marriage and sex that most clearly and beautifully express it. This is why, for each of us to truly become a fertile person, even before giving ourselves and our sexuality to another in marriage, we are called to give ourselves and our sexuality to God.

Suggested Activities 1. Design a word acrostic using the letters LOVING that explains the themes discussed in this lesson. 2. “What is the most intimate way to commune with another person? It is through the sexual parts of our bodies. It is what Pope John Paul II refers to as TOTUS TUUS - I am all yours; I give everything I am to you. Why is it that there is such intimacy associated with them (the sexual parts of our body)? It is because in some way we are touching the deepest part of another person’s soul.” Dr Maria Fedorika. Write an evaluation of this statement showing you have considered different points of view. Finish with your own viewpoint.

Appropriate complementarity is beautiful. Watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zXfYygXX0I Romeo and Juliet to see something of the beauty of complementarity expressed.

Summary Marriage and sex uniquely reflect the fertility of God, who is love. The creativity of procreation is fulfilled in the creative love of the two spouses, for each other and for their child. Even deeper than that, it cooperates with God’s creative love for all of them. When sex is misused it dominates every other aspect of relationship and life. When in its right setting, it enhances every other aspect of relationship and life. Our longing for God, for relationship, for union, for life, love and meaning are all beautifully met in this true expression of spiritual and physical fertility.

3. Find a poem or piece of music or literature about the beauty of love and explain what you like about it. 4. Do media influences encourage informed consent of both persons regarding sexual behaviour, or do they focus us on body and emotions only?

10f

Sexuality and Relationship with God

Learning Objective To understand that we are called first to enter into communion with God, within his communion of love, and how this then opens us up to deeper communion with each other, and opens us up to greater responsibility. Step 1 We all like receiving gifts! But what can we sometimes forget to do when we’ve received one? 1. We can forget to thank the person who gave it. 2. We can get so excited about the gift that we forget to read the instructions so as to understand how it works and just use it and see what happens. Why is the first response wrong?

“To give your body to another person symbolises the total gift of yourself to that person.” Pope John Paul II.

Regarding the second; when you get, say, a mobile phone, you start using it straight away, but find out later that you’ve been using it a bit wrongly, or just weren’t getting the most out of it. Both of these are true about God and the gifts he gives us. Often the more precious the gift, the more fragile it is, and so it needs extra care. And it is even more important to give thanks to God for it and allow him to teach us how best to use it. This is true, most of all, of the gifts of life and fertility. All religions make a special point of marking the gift of new life: showing gratitude for the gift by offering it back to God. The Jewish religion started the tradition of doing this with all things - of offering the best of the crop back to God, in thanksgiving. When we offer our life back to God, we are not doing it in the sense of saying “We don’t want this. You have it back!” It is more like when someone buys us a box of chocolates, and we open them and offer them one, or someone buys you a game and you invite them to play on it, or join you. It is an appreciation of the relationship and the gift. Activity 1: Take the title ‘Gratitude’. Spend some time making a long list of all the things in your life for which you are grateful. Perhaps start with life itself. (Don’t forget all those things you might take for granted e.g. sight, school, food! Etc.) Step 2 What is true of life is also true of sexuality. To get the most out of it we need to first offer it back to God, and then get to understand it in cooperation with him getting the best results by following the maker’s instructions. Chastity is primarily offering our sexuality back to God, before anything else. Like most things, to get the most out of it, we need to be patient, attentive and willing to learn. However, this patience and sensitivity are also central to using our sexuality in the right way, because at its heart it is a means of communicating self-gift within a communion of persons, and that requires respect, sensitivity, and a sense of the dignity, beauty and holiness of the other.

Key Word Chastity: – A virtue. Purity in heart. The conscious practice to not engage in sexual intimacy outside of marriage.

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Are we grateful for precious gifts?

Almost without exception this chastity will be difficult for us. Our animal nature is geared towards procreation. Especially when we are younger, we are tempted to masturbation - as an experiment, or much worse, through simply choosing to use our sexuality for our own pleasure. We have many chemical, emotional and cultural pressures to reduce sex to the physical or emotional. This is so true that often people who, in other areas of life would not be strongly tempted to use others for their own end, are tempted to do this with regard to sex. And even to obscure this by claiming it is love. We can often feel that everyone else is using sex just for pleasure and that I am missing out by holding on to its deeper meaning. Chastity and consent go hand in hand, because chastity is linked to appreciating the gift of our sexuality from God, and therefore leads to maturity in appropriately giving that gift to another. Put another way, living by God’s truth means having God’s consent to our actions. A key reason why it is against the law to engage in sexual activity under 16, or particularly with someone under 16 (UK: Sexual Offences Act 2003), is that we need a level of maturity to give informed consent: information is not sufficient - we need to have gained a certain level of wisdom or prudence. Activity 2: Take the title ‘Would you share?’ Then, under it on the left put ‘share with anyone’ and on the right ‘share with no-one’. Then, think of various things and who you would share them with, especially thinking of friends and strangers etc. (e.g. putting, ‘food’ midway between ‘anyone’ and ‘no-one’ if you would share with someone who was hungry, but not just anyone, or putting ‘my toothbrush’ on the far right because you wouldn’t share it with anyone). From this you will quickly identify there are things that you would only be prepared to share under specific circumstances. Might the same be said for something as special as sexual intercourse?

Suggested Activities 1. Chastity isn’t just a virtue practised before marriage. It will have to be practised throughout life. Can you think of examples when a married couple will practise chastity even within their marriage? 2. Summarise in 4 sentences what you think are the main points of this lesson. Write out and revise. 3. Play devil’s advocate. With a partner write out a script between two opposing characters that explores the different arguments about chastity. 4. “I do not yet know whom I shall marry. But I do not want to betray or let down my future wife/ husband today”. Evaluate this statement using more than one point of view and come to your own conclusion. 5. How does the wisdom behind the UK Sexual Offences Act 2003 link with God’s commands and with chastity?

The more precious something is, the more discerning we are in sharing it. Activity 3: Watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOKlBs9Tdjc (Jason Evert: Why Chastity?) (5:27). Then go back through clip and find 5 positive reasons to practise chastity.

Summary We can easily forget the giver, the more amazing the gift, and lose sight of how best to use it. This is particularly true of God, life and sexuality. The gift of chastity comes from offering the gift of sexuality to God and it frees us to relate as persons, and to truly use our sexuality as something beautiful, personal and self-giving. 21

10g

The Joy of Fertility

Learning Objective To realise that the whole process of discovering one’s fertility, understanding and owning it, and offering it appropriately, makes up one of the greatest joys of life. To be more aware of what can help or hinder this process.

“Shared joy is the second name of love.” Sabino Palumbieri.

Step 1 What do you want to be when you grow up? Perhaps a lot of teenagers answer, ‘I don’t know’. But what is important to realise is that the question you might hear - ‘what job/career will you have when you grow up?’ - is only part of the story. What about wanting to be a husband and father, or a wife and mother, as well? It is surely good that females no longer grow up only being asked to think about being a wife and mother, but it is no improvement if you are not encouraged to think about these vocations at all. An important part of growing up is thinking through the call to marriage and parenthood. Ask any priest or minister: eulogies at funerals nearly always speak of the person’s family and relationships as the most important thing in their life. My Fertility Matters founder, Elizabeth Raith-Paula, says that we protect only what we value. If we value the dream of marriage and family, then we will also value our emerging fertility too. As she says, what is happening to your body is amazing - and understanding it helps us find joy in how amazing it is. (Suggested Activity 1.) Step 2 We are not all called to marriage, but marriage is so written into the human heart that we should only say no to it for the sake of another calling to service. This might be priesthood, religious life or a single life of virtue and service. All human life finds fulfilment in self-gift. Connected with self-giving is our deep desire to make a difference, to be fertile. Previous modules have made the connection between our biological fertility and our more general or spiritual fertility - our ability to make a difference, to grow and to help others grow. It shouldn’t surprise us, then, if our discovery of our biological fertility, our understanding it, owning it and appropriately offering it, gives shape to all our fertility - and is therefore important to all of us, here and now. It helps in the process of loving and accepting ourselves. For females and males, understanding and owning my fertility gradually allows me to see it as a blessing: a gift to be received then given. The female initiates procreation in that ‘the new human life… is conceived and develops in her, and from her is born into the world’ (Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, n. 173). She is also more affected, on a practical level, by her emerging fertility, through her cycle. It is perhaps even more important, then, for the female to have time and space to discover, understand and own her fertility. (Suggested Activity 2.) Once we have understood and owned our fertility, we can then offer it wisely. Love is at the heart of spiritual fertility; procreation is at the heart of biological fertility. By understanding love and our own fertility, we can integrate the two in the mutual gift of self that is sex. In this way, the act gives true growth and joy. The love of marriage is communicated and renewed by the mutual gift of fertility in love - thus giving sex its full meaning. In marriage, the woman or man may be biologically infertile at the moment of sex or permanently, but they still give themselves completely when they offer their love and the biological fertility they have, within this intimate communion of persons. It is the giving of one’s spiritual and biological fertility to the other that is at the heart of the joy of marriage. Not being biologically fertile doesn’t change this; deliberately not being fertile does - it is withholding the gift. 22

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The joy of fertility.

Step 3 As the woman understands and owns her cycle of fertility, she can educate her husband to understand it too, as part of her person, and together they can cooperate with that cycle in seeking either to conceive a child, or not. This is stewardship: cooperation with God in nature. The more creative we are being, the more important it is to act in harmony with the Creator. As Ira Winters, a nurse and director of Fiat FertilityCare says, ‘The body has its own personal language when expressing its fertility, which we find joy in once we can interpret it. But, just as it takes years to grow to adulthood it also takes time for fertility to mature. The stabilisation of cycle pattern can take several years. It pays to be patient and get to know your cycle, day by day - seeking help from a properly trained professional in interpreting your body’s changes, if need be.’ Before one’s cycle stabilises there can be an imbalance in one’s hormones, and/or painful periods and other problems, all of which can be a bit scary at first - so talking to someone who is trained and has the time to listen to you can be very helpful. Ira continues, ‘This can help in discerning the difference between a natural variation due to one’s stage of life and symptoms of an underlying condition which warrant further assessment and treatment.’ Hormonal contraception can be prescribed for contraceptive reasons or for therapeutic ones - particularly in response to PMS (premenstrual syndrome) or endometriosis. The NHS lists various possible side-effects to the Pill, but also says that they tend to either settle down in a few months or be very low risk; they still have mixed evidence concerning its link to depression. It is good to be fully informed about all sides of this discussion. One factor is the possible impact the Pill has on the young female’s ability to discover and understand her biological fertility and its rhythm. This might stifle her ability to integrate her spiritual and physical fertility - her growth as a person with the capacity to lovingly give herself, and her fertility, to another person. Ira also warns that it also might cover up, rather than listen to, what our body’s language is conveying: ‘If girls experience cycle pain, irregularity, or other cyclical problems, I say “pay attention, find out what the body want you to pay attention to and you will reap the benefits of listening to your body for years to come.’” Step 4 The Church is clear that all artificial contraception that separates the unitive and procreative aspects of the sexual act is wrong. (All Christian Churches taught this from their start, until 1930.) The Pill being ‘artificial’ is not the problem. Reading glasses are artificial. But medicine’s purpose is to aid the body in its normal function. The Pill, as contraceptive, does the opposite and acts contra the body’s normal function. On the previous page is a diagram of a natural fertility awareness chart which can now be supported by a phone app to provide fertility awareness. But A Fertile Heart isn’t focusing on that here, or on contraception in general. What it is saying is that taking the Pill for health reasons is not wrong and can be right. But there is a point in, instead, diagnosing what is causing the imbalance and seeking to remedy it naturally. This needs professional advice, but does offer the long-term benefit of dealing with the underlying cause. Being natural, it also complements the whole journey of the female discovering, understanding and owning her biological fertility, and all that leads from that. Making a difference is one of the deepest joys of human life - making a difference together, even more so. And at the heart of this joy is the process of owning one’s biological fertility whether one ends up having no children, two or ten! (Suggested Activity 5.)

Suggested Activities 1. “Being a parent is the most important job of them all.” Do you agree? Give reasons for your answer. Are young people encouraged to think about marriage and family? Have you thought about it? 2. “Is my fertility a blessing or a curse?” If it is a blessing then what responsibility comes with this? If it is a curse, then what might help you to see it as a blessing? 3. Write a job description for being a parent. Identify the duties involved, the qualities required, the qualifications needed and the benefits received. 4. How do hormones affect our sexuality? How do we grow in understanding what it is to be masculine or feminine? How might a daily intake of hormone - such as the Pill - affect this process? 5. Watch: www.youtube.com/ watch?v=XZpC9A-V0V4, then discuss as a class or in small groups.

Summary Understanding one’s biological fertility is important in itself, and central to understanding one’s spiritual fertility. It should lead to a deeper personal ability to own oneself and give oneself appropriately. This takes time and sensitivity. If considering taking the Pill for therapeutic reasons, it is important to take into account whether it might interrupt this process, and so also consider a more natural way of diagnosing and healing. The integration of spiritual fertility and biological fertility gives true growth and joy. The love of marriage is communicated and renewed by the mutual gift of fertility.

10h

Sexual bonding

Learning Objective To understand something of our biology and the hormones that are connected with sexual activity and how they affect women and men.

Key Words Oxytocin and Vasopressin: hormones that increase emotional bonding between sexual partners, and between parent and child. Step 1 As persons, we have to understand our biology and our hormones in a similar way to having to understand our emotions - in order to understand our givenness more, and so make better, more informed, life-giving choices. Reflecting an analogy by Dr Sarah E. Hill: you are the pilot, your body is the plane and your hormones are the flight-plan software. Understanding the reality of the plane and the software gives you greater control. Because we are persons, human procreation, unlike most animal mating, doesn’t stop with the conception of the baby for either father or mother. As a communion of loving persons, it also includes the joint rearing and education of the child. It’s a lifelong team effort. There is the role of nurturing and caring for the family, and of home building; and the role of guiding the family as a whole and providing for their external needs. Pope Francis says that, “Husband and wife, father and mother… show their children the maternal and paternal face of the Lord.” He also reminds us that ‘masculinity and femininity are not rigid categories’ (Amoris Laetitia, nn. 172, 286). (Suggested Activity 1.)

“What made the traditional family remarkable, a work of high religious art, is what it brought together: sexual drive, physical desire, friendship, companionship, emotional kinship and love, the begetting of children and their care, their early education and induction into an identity and a history.” Jonathan, Lord Sacks, former Chief Rabbi of the United Kingdom.

Step 2 However, although our biology can complement this vision, it needs to be shaped by truth and love in order to do so. Especially in pregnancy, and the child’s early months and years, the mother often surrenders much of her own autonomy in order to nurture their child. This calls upon the father likewise to surrender his independence, to support and protect both of them. The feminist Camille Paglia once said that: “It is not male society but Mother Nature which lays the heaviest burden on woman.” When the couple remain individuals, the woman is more biologically vulnerable - not least because it is she who risks pregnancy and bringing up a child on her own. Through the mutual commitment of marriage this vulnerability is shared, and shared vulnerability in love is deeply uniting and life-giving. There are other ways in which a woman is more biologically vulnerable to nonmarital sexual relations: • From a biological perspective, she is more prone to STIs than the male, and is especially vulnerable to them as a teenager before her body is fully formed. • Oxytocin seems to bond her more securely to her sexual partner than happens with the male. This is a chemical thing: nothing to do with her strength of character or her liking for the man. Thus, a woman will often find it more difficult to enter uncommitted sexual relationships and is perhaps more vulnerable to mental and emotional suffering if sexual relationships fail - though of course the man can suffer equally profoundly.

Oxytocin and vasopressin seem to help faithfulness.

“Husband and wife, father and mother… show their children the maternal and paternal face of God.” Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, n. 172.

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love

There are sadly many cases where this biological reality is misused by the man, to dominate. Instead, true masculinity should acknowledge this biological vulnerability and seek to be appropriately sensitive to it, protective of it, and cooperative with it, rather than abuse it. In particular, the male should never manipulate the woman’s consent. It is in everyone’s true interest for the man and woman to remain committed to each other in an equal, loving, exclusive relationship. Step 3 Two connected hormones - oxytocin and vasopressin - aid this pair-bonding, as it is called. Vasopressin seems to affects males more. It promotes sexual arousal, pair-bonding and mate guarding. It seems to be present in the male visual system, which might explain why male human bonding tends to be more visual. (Suggested Activity 2.) Women seem to be more affected by oxytocin. When a woman engages in a sexual relationship, her brain is normally flooded with oxytocin, which bonds her closely to her sexual partner. The neurochemical directs her emotions towards her partner. Scientifically, ‘making love’ really does seem to increase a sense of love. This bonding hormone is also normally released in large quantities at childbirth and in breastfeeding, helping the mother to ‘fall in love’ with her baby and give them new priority in her life. All this is scientific, and our understanding is still growing. (Suggested Activity 3.) Step 4 What is surely clear is that we have to try and understand how these hormones affect us, and therefore be more able to choose wisely. Firstly, for instance, oxytocin release has powerful effects, and occurs during any romantic or sexual activity - even simply hugging or kissing. So we have to be discerning even about entering into such behaviour, knowing these consequences. Secondly, these hormones work, in part, by releasing dopamine into the brain - which tends to give the individual a ‘buzz’. A danger with any sexual activity not connected with life-long pair-bonding is that the person can become more interested in the dopamine rush than in the relationship, then it becomes more about lust than love. Thirdly, oxytocin and vasopressin are linked with monogamy - remaining with one life-long partner. This is true even in animals that are monogamous! So, if we release these chemicals into our system, and then do not stay faithful, our brains can get ‘confused’ and the effect of these pair-bonding hormones may be reduced with one’s next partner. None of this means, in any way, that if a person has sex before marriage, their marriage will fail. There are many, many factors in a life-giving marriage. No-one is a statistic. However, the biology does show that our sexual behaviour has more consequences than we perhaps realise. There is no such thing as ‘safe sex’, as every sexual act affects the person chemically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. (Suggested Activity 4.)

Summary Our biology - including the complementary biology of man and woman, and our ‘sex hormones’ - are a bit like our emotions. They are real, and have to be taken seriously, but also need to be reflected on and understood. By themselves neither emotions nor hormones are good guides! And people can do a lot of damage by ignoring them or blindly following them. Directed by wisdom, love and commitment they can make us more human. Understanding our biology can be shaped by our understanding of equality, dignity and mutual respect, to deepen our sense of complementarity and shared vulnerability. Understanding the potential benefit that oxytocin and vasopressin can give to a loving family unit by strengthening the bonds of love, can make us more discerning in our romantic relationships. This is a great example of faith, science and reason working together.

Oxytocin love hormone molecule.

Suggested Activities 1. In groups, identify a list of roles a father may have within the family. Now do the same for a mother. Are there times when a teenager might go to dad first? To mum? Do these roles clash or complement each other? 2. Watch https://www.youtube. com/watch?v=hYjnuxGK0Qw (1:34) Science of Sex - Vasopressin and Oxytocin in Bonding. 3. Watch https://www.youtube. com/watch?v=lOAakeXwiWU (2:24) Oxytocin: The reason we fall in love. 4. Have a group discussion about ‘faithfulness’. How important is faithfulness? To the relationship? To any child? Does faithfulness happen automatically or is it something that has to be practised?

10i

Fertility of Suffering

Learning Objective To reflect on how the brokenness of life does not diminish the truth of the human calling, but, through the Cross, can be at the heart of even deeper growth. Step 1

“The Lord’s Cross is the source of all spiritual fertility” cf. CCC, n. 2379.

Have you ever tried to eat healthily? Or to follow a fitness regime, or one that will lead to passing an exam or something similar? Most of us don’t manage to follow it perfectly. Then there is often that moment when we think of packing up - “what’s the point, I never seem to manage it”. If we do then just give up and not try to continue, it is often disastrous - we end up eating even more unhealthy food than before, or not achieving anything. There is an important lesson in this: failing in trying is very different from not trying. (Suggested Activity 1.) This is true of the really important things in life too - including marriage, family and sexuality. Several of you will come from homes that don’t fit exactly with the vision the Church gives us. There are single parent families, partners who have not married, partners who have split up, maybe single-sex partners or partners who have died. Furthermore, not everyone gets perfectly loving parents. Any and all this can make us feel uncomfortable. Not only do some people have very difficult family situations; some may even have to separate from an abusive relationship. But such very real issues can also lead to a feeling that ‘either I/my family is wrong or Christ’s teaching is wrong’ - and to give up on the vision of marriage, family and sexuality that is beautiful, but sometimes can feel unrealistic. This is a bit like giving up on the attempt to eat healthily, because it failed on occasions.

Key Point Real love does two things: it accepts us as we are and it calls us to the best we can become. A loving parent, teacher or friend will accompany us as we seek to excel and accompany us when we don’t manage it.

The power of sorrow and forgiveness.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 18:28

Tension is part of relationship. It needs love to make it creative. 26

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Suggested Activities

Step 2 In most of the lessons of this course we have not mentioned Jesus or the Bible, so as to show that we can come to the same understanding of life from reason alone, even if it will sometimes lack the depth that faith can give. However, the stories of Jesus are just the best way of making this important point. Jesus is always found to be with ‘sinners’ (e.g. Mk. 2:16-17; Lk. 7:36-50 the woman who was forgiven because she loved much); he is never interested in condemning (Jn. 8:2-11), but he is always calling his disciples to the highest goals (Mt. 19:21; Mk. 10:5-8). He is always frustrated with those who are proud of ‘how good they are’ and always warms to the person who tries and fails (Lk. 18:9-14). When we are hurting, we have a massive temptation to not trust what is possible - it is a way of protecting ourselves from further hurt; but all it does is shut ourselves off from healing and from our own potential. Step 3 Furthermore - and now we are entering the realm of faith - the Cross of Jesus assures us that for all the beauty of sexuality and the dignity of work, it is the willingness to suffer out of love for the other and in trust of God, that is truly at the heart of all spiritual fertility. It is often in marriage and/or parenthood that persons do show heroic love for the other, suffering in love for the other; and to a lesser degree, work only becomes truly fertile when the suffering that comes with it is accepted in love. (Suggested Activity 2.) For all the great things Jesus did, his miracles and teaching, his inspiring actions and compassionate touches - it was his Cross that saved us. This is hard to understand, especially for those who aren’t Christian, but, if we are open to it, we see it in life around us. The mum who struggles to bring her children up, whether she is married, or single, or whatever; the dad who fails and fails again, but wants to do what is best. When people are in the midst of suffering, it is hard - no mistake. But if you think about the closest bonds you have, it will be with those who have suffered with you and for you. Suffering in trust and love has a unique power to bring the best out of us. One particularly difficult suffering is that experienced by couples who desperately want a child but cannot conceive. The Church is particularly sensitive to their pain. She calls on them, if all legitimate avenues have failed, to find fertility in the Cross, and to be creative in finding different ways of channelling their good desires for motherhood and fatherhood (CCC n. 2379).

1. Reflect on times when you have succeeded and when you have failed. What was the difference? What can you learn from both experiences? Think and write about this. 2. Identify all the sacrifices a mum and dad and others might make in order to always ensure the family comes first or is provided for. Gather your ideas and then share with the class. Why are mums and dads prepared to make these sacrifices? What does this tell you about suffering in the service of love? 3. Watch and make a whole class mind map on the themes raised in https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=gJUJpWI4xDk (Why does God let us suffer?)(5:01). 4. When family life is messy can I, as a person, do anything to help my family and myself? Do I think this will be easy and quick or not?

The way of the Cross is the pattern of deepest love.

Summary When things go wrong, we are tempted to give up, to stop hoping in what is right. This never helps. We need help in facing the wounds caused by things going wrong, but we will only reach our full potential if we hold on to truth and to love. It is willingness to suffer in love and truth, trusting in God, which is at the heart of all real growth, all spiritual fertility.

10j

Social Fertility

Learning Objective To apply what we have learnt about the pattern of fertility - making a difference, growing and helping others to grow - to our role in society. Activity 1: Watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUGQ-fMgVSQ (Make a difference)(2:56).

Key Words Common good – that we are all part of each other’s happiness. Step 1 What is society? We can’t really make the best difference to society if we are not clear what it is. Just as the biggest differences in the development of each of us are rooted in whether we see ourselves as individuals or persons, so the biggest factor in society is whether we see ourselves as a collection of individuals or a potential communion of persons. This can be summed up as ‘social contract’, or ‘common good’, respectively.

“Man’s social nature makes it evident that the progress of the human person and the advance of society itself hinge on one another… Society requires constant improvement.” Vatican II, Gaudium et Spes (Joy and Hope).

The more we understand fertility as flowing from the communion of persons, the more we see that common good leads to real fertility. There are three things we need to learn from understanding the importance of common good. Firstly, we are more fertile when we work together! Little things do matter. A word, a smile, a kind text or message do make a difference. With society being so big, and the news perhaps convincing us that only politicians can put things right, we can feel just too small to make a difference. You are not! Mother Teresa was asked what she was going to do about the thousands in poverty in India, and she answered that she would help them one at a time.

We all make up society.

“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you.” St Teresa of Calcutta

The focus of our actions should be others. Of course, what we know from fertility is that we make a bigger difference when we work together in truth and love. Again, Mother Teresa is a great example of this. She was not the first person to think that it would be good to help people who were poor, but few have made such a difference as her. She worked within a community that was united in love, which prayed for hours in a morning before reaching out to others. Her communities stayed simple, and focused on the person. The hardest 28

A Fertile Heart | Receiving & Giving Creative Love

bit about working together is we are different, and we see things differently: it is so easy to decide to do good; it is quite another to overcome daily differences so that we continue to do good. All that we have learnt about marriage, and commitment and communication and compromise, can be applied to working together for the common good. Step 2 Secondly, we need to be clear about what help we seek to offer. Some years ago there was a famous slogan about helping people in the developing world: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; give him a net and you feed him for life.” There was an important point to this: doing things for people has limited good; empowering them to grow and have opportunities to take responsibility for their own life is much more fertile. However, the slogan was incomplete - because giving a person a net doesn’t in itself feed them for life. They need a certain level of education to also understand what to do with whatever tools they have. In order to reach that, they need a certain level of health and nourishment, because an ill or starving person can only think about today. And just as we work better together, we need to try to help people to work together better - so not one person with a net, but perhaps a group of people with a small fishing enterprise. Step 3 Thirdly, in our very structured, technological, international world, understanding the causes of injustice is not easy, and is a bit frustrating. For instance, when we go to buy chocolate, tea, coffee or any food or drink, we just want to buy the one we like, at the cheapest price we can find. However, things aren’t that simple. How much are the tea or cocoa growers getting paid for growing their crops? Are they being empowered to develop themselves, sending their children to school etc.? Or are they kept in poverty with their young children having to stay and work on the land? There is a huge part of us that doesn’t want life to be about moral decisions: “I just want my favourite chocolate bar!” However, injustice isn’t healed by closing our eyes to it. We need to find out the truth and respond accordingly - which might mean buying things that we know are fairly traded because we care for our brothers and sisters far away.

Suggested Activities 1. Create an acrostic on FAIRTRADE. For each letter think of a quality of this movement that is fertile and seeking the Common Good. 2. “One person can’t make a difference.” How true do you think this is? Prepare to justify your answer. 3. Who are you a role model to? Who are the people you have a great influence over? (Maybe younger siblings; as a prefect or school captain.) How might you be able to teach them some skills or a virtue that will help them be more fertile and life-giving as persons? 4. Do you have next-door neighbours? Do you know who they are? Do you have any type of community relationship with them? Might there be any benefits in living cooperatively with your neighbours? Compare your answers with everyone else. 5. Read through today’s lesson and then, working with a partner, design a poster that incorporates 5 practical things a Y10 student could realistically do to improve ‘social fertility’.

Activity 2: Watch Chicken a la Carte (6:09) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1bOteXhwrw and discuss.

Summary How to help build society is a huge subject! We do have an innate desire to want to. Most importantly, we need to commit to the common good: an understanding that it is the bonds between us that are most important, followed by what we can achieve together. We are a communion of persons not a collection of individuals. We are more fertile when we keep focused on persons, and act together in communion with others. Not easy! We also have to accept that moral choices are everywhere and what we do affects others in so many hidden ways. The world constantly needs young people to inspire us to care for each other so: make a difference! Be fertile!

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A Fertile Heart Receiving & Giving Creative Love

RRP £9.99 ISBN 978-1-7398407-8-5

9 781739 840785 Version 7 | September 2021