NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
WE BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE by Craig Gross
As I write this, I’ve been married to my wife Jeanette for 17 years. Throughout our marriage, we’ve seen a few of our married friends make it, and we’ve seen a few who haven’t. We married young, and we were the first couple among all our friends to tie the knot. On our tenth anniversary, we went to Las Vegas and renewed our vows at one of those cheap wedding chapels and then threw a party with some of those close friends. At that party, we threw down a challenge: when your marriage turns 10, you should throw a party, too. And you better invite us. Sadly, we haven’t gone to very many parties, because many of those couples in attendance didn’t make it to ten. That’s the reality, though. Marriage is tough. It’s work. I wish more people would’ve told me that back when we got married, but it’s a challenge we’ve accepted. We’ve worked at it. We’ve grown closer together and we’ve done that by leaning on a lot of different resources, from books to blog posts to videos. Many of them have been helpful, and they’ve come from experts in the field of marriage. After seeing so many couples fall apart, and all the different reasons why, I understand that I don’t have all the answers for people. I don’t have a formula for a perfect marriage. Even though I’ve heard from a lot of experts, I wouldn’t say I am one.
CONTENTS 01 We Believe in Marriage by Craig Gross
02-03 Forever Is A Daily Decision The Minds Behind StrongerMarriages
06-07 Save the Date: 3 Reasons To Date Your Spouse by Jefferson Bethke
08-15 Ready? Set? Goal! Fireproof’s Next Big Idea by Craig Gross
04-05 The Best Marriage Advice We Ever Received By Dave Willis
16-17 Hang Time: Hanging Up The Hurt, Hanging Out Together, and Hanging On By Shaunti Feldhahn
NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
But now that we know some experts, our team wants to share their wisdom with as many people as possible. We want to compile their work in one comprehensive resource: a new website that we’ve just recently launched called StrongerMarriages.com. I know it’s going to help you. It’s going to help people you know. Within the pages of this magazine, we’re going to break down the philosophy behind StrongerMarriages. We’re going to introduce you to some of the contributors and let you hear some of their thoughts on marriage and how to strengthen it. We believe in marriage. We believe it takes hard work to make it work, but we believe couples can last 10, 15, 20, 30, 50 years— and beyond. We want to give couples help where they need it, and we believe StrongerMarriages is going to be that help. We talk about things like conflict and communication, sex and kids, spiritual growth and emotional growth, what to expect before you get married and what you can expect after years of being married. We’re so excited about the impact StrongerMarriages can have on relationships around the world. And I know that, as you read on, you’ll grow excited, too.
LET’S MAKE MARRIAGE STRONGER. TOGETHER.
18-19 5 Reasons To Keep It Buttoned Up Until You’re Married
22-23 “It’s Like an X-Ray for Your Relationship”
By Carl Thomas
20-21 Intentional Friendship: What Happens When You Make Friends on Purpose
by Adam Palmer
24
A Final Word By Craig Gross
By Matt Shatto
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FOREVER is A DAILY DECISION THE MINDS BEHIND STRONGERMARRIAGES
StrongerMarriages.com is a collection of different voices, a unity of unique viewpoints on the specifics of marriage that are all underlined by this foundational principle: that marriage can and should be mutually fulfilling, satisfying, healthy, and, to be honest, mind-blowing. We believe forever is a daily decision, and our team of marriage experts and married couples aspire to give practical advice, honest inspiration, and hopeful encouragement toward shaping marriage into something beautifully strong.
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INTRO STRONGER MARRIAGES FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
ur mission at StrongerMarriages.com is written right there in our name. We think strong marriages are some of the most important, most foundational aspects of a healthy society, and we want to do our part to help couples continue making the daily decision of staying together forever. We hope to achieve this mission through a team of collective voices, made up of a lot of married couples from different walks of life, from different denominations, and from different backgrounds, but who all want the same thing: husbands and wives staying together, happily enjoying one another for a lifetime. This is who speaks into the mission of StrongerMarriages:
Dave and Ashley Willis Dave and Ashley Willis are two of the most popular relationship bloggers on the internet, reaching several million readers per month. They’re also the founders of the Facebook Marriage page and the creators of multiple marriage-related books, resources, and events. They have four young sons and they live near Augusta, GA where Dave serves as a pastor at Stevens Creek Church. Craig and Jeanette Gross Craig Gross is the founder of XXXchurch.com, X3watch accountability software and the recently launched iParent. tv, but his most important ministry is to Jeanette, his wife of 17 years. He’s spent the last 15 years talking about sexual struggles and temptations men and women face all over the world, and is the author of 12 books. Being part of a ministry that constantly deals with the breakdown of marriages, Craig and Jeanette have seen firsthand the pitfalls that husbands and wives can fall into – and how to avoid them. Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn are best-selling authors, popular speakers and nationally-renowned social researchers. Twelve years ago, this average couple stumbled over some things they just didn’t “get” about each other and have used their analytical background to help other semi-confused couples decode each other ever since. Both with graduate degrees from Harvard, Shaunti and Jeff are the authors and co-authors of many groundbreaking books, such as For Women Only and For Men Only, and their eye-opening findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, The New York Times, Focus on the Family and Family Life Today.
As the primary researcher, Shaunti is always in the middle of her next research project, while attorney-entrepreneur Jeff is always in the middle of his next technology company start-up. The Feldhahns have two children and live in Atlanta, Georgia. David and Betsy Dean David Dean has been making people laugh for over 25 years, training at Second City School of Improvisational Comedy and performing at numerous clubs before launching a successful global career. All that work and travel can prove difficult, but David and his wife “Saint” Betsy have been happily married for 26 years, so they know how to make it work. They live in Huntington, Indiana and are the parents of two young adults, Alex & Hannah. Jefferson and Alyssa Bethke Jefferson Bethke burst into the cultural conversation in 2012 with a passionate, provocative poem titled “Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus.” The 4-minute video literally became an overnight sensation, with 7 million YouTube views in its first 48 hours. Jefferson and his wife Alyssa have since become valued voices by blogging, vlogging, and creating cool videos on YouTube, whether out on the road or from their home in Hawaii. They have been married for 2 years and have a young daughter, so they bring a unique, youthful viewpoint to StrongerMarriages, as well as a fresh perspective on the challenges newlyweds and young parents face in the modern age.
STRONGER MARRIAGES
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The B
Marriag
We Ever R
By Dave
When Ashley and I got married so many (too many!) years ago, we were young and in love, but we were also pretty clueless (me especially)! Along the way, we’ve had a great number of people share wise advice and life experiences with us, all of which has helped guide our family through good times and hard times. Through the years, I’ve been collecting some of the best marriage advice others have shared with us (and some I had to learn through my own mistakes). If you’ll apply these twenty-five principles below to your relationship, it could make a life-changing difference in your marriage! In no particular order:
1 Choose to love each other, even in those moments when
4 Surround yourself with friends who will strengthen
2 Always answer the phone when your spouse calls and,
5 Make laughter the soundtrack of your marriage. Share
3 Make time together a priority. Budget for a consistent
6 In every argument, remember there won’t be a “winner”
you struggle to like each other. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. when possible, try to stay off your phone when you’re together.
date night. Time is the “currency of relationships,” so invest time into your marriage.
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THE BEST MARRIAGE ADVICE FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
your marriage, and steer clear of those who may tempt you to compromise your character.
moments of joy and find reasons to laugh, even in the hard times. and a “loser.” You are partners in everything, so you’ll either win together or lose together. Work together to find a solution.
NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
14 Never lie to each other. Lies break trust and trust is the foundation of a strong marriage.
15 When you’ve made a mistake, admit it and humbly seek forgiveness. You should be quick to say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
Best
ge Advice
Received
16 Should your spouse break your trust, when they repent, give them your forgiveness instantly. This promotes healing and creates the opportunity for them to rebuild your trust. Be quick to say, “I love you. I forgive you. Let’s move forward.”
17 Be patient with one another. Your spouse is always more
e Willis
important than your schedule.
18 Model the kind of marriage that will make your sons
want to grow up to be good husbands and your daughters want to grow up to be good wives.
7 Remember that a strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It’s usually a husband and wife taking turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other feels weak.
8 Prioritize what happens in the bedroom. It takes more than sex to build a strong marriage, but it’s nearly impossible to build a strong marriage without it!
9 Remember that marriage isn’t 50-50. It must be 100100. It’s not splitting everything in half; it’s both partners giving everything they’ve got!
10 Give your best to each other, not your leftovers after you’ve given your best to everyone else.
11 Learn from other people, but don’t feel the need to com-
pare your life or your marriage to anyone else’s. God’s plan for your life together is masterfully unique!
12 Don’t put your marriage on hold while you’re raising
your kids or else you’ll end up with an empty nest and an empty marriage.
13 Never keep secrets from each other. Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy.
19 Be your spouse’s biggest encourager, not their biggest
critic. Be the one who wipes away their tears, not the one who causes them.
20 Never talk badly about your spouse to other people or vent about them online. Protect your spouse at all times and in all places.
21 Always wear your wedding ring. It will remind you that you’re always connected to your spouse and it will remind the rest of the world that you’re off limits!
22 Connect as a couple to a community of faith. A good church can make a world of difference in your marriage and family.
23 Pray together. Every marriage is stronger with God in the middle of it.
24 When you have to choose between saying nothing or saying something mean, choose saying nothing every time!
25 Never consider divorce as an option. Remember that a “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other!
THE WE BEST BELIEVE MARRIAGE IN MARRIAGE ADVICE FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
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your time as a couple, it naturally leads to intentional conversation about dreams, hopes, and how each other is doing. For us, it’s where all the hustle and bustle of life (kids, diapers, dishes, etc.) slows down enough to look each other in the eye, check in, and grow together as a couple.
save the date:
!3" reasons } to date { your spouse by Jefferson Bethke I get bummed out when I see that married couples aren’t putting time and energy into their relationship (my marriage included!). Your marriage should be the very center and foundation of your earthly life. That means it should get more attention than you give to your job, the kids, or your hobbies! We can forget this, perhaps because we sometimes think the concept of “dating” ends once we get married. In reality, we should be dating our spouses even more so after marriage. One of the best pieces of marriage advice I ever got was this: you are either always growing closer together or always drifting apart. There is no neutral. So the times when I feel like Alyssa and I are in neutral or cruise control, we probably aren’t as close as we can be. So let’s start dating our spouses! Why? Here are three reasons:
! 1"
IT BRINGS YOU CLOSER TOGETHER Some of our best conversations (or, as Alyssa calls them, “heart to hearts”) have happened while we were on some type of intentional date. When you are intentional with
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3 REASONS TO DATE YOUR SPOUSE FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
!2" IT’S JUST FUN!
A lot of married couples I know look back on their dating years as “the good ol’ days.” They see that time as the period when they had fun, took risks, and made a ton of memories. And why not? Dating is fun! My question is: why would we stop dating when we get married? Sure, it takes planning, and time, and energy, but you’ll make moments and memories and you’ll never regret the fun you get from it.
!3"
IT TELLS THE GREATEST STORY EVER I know this one seems a little more out of left field, but marriage ultimately is a shadow. It’s a rhythm and dance that God set up from the beginning not to be about us, but to tell us about something greater and bigger. It’s a dance we step into that tells a story about the cosmos, and heaven and earth, and ultimately the marriage of the Creator to His creation: us. When we date well, we tell a good story; we say that our vows aren’t the end, but rather the beginning. We say that getting married isn’t boring but an eternal adventure. We say that intimacy takes work, but it’s so worth it. When we date well, we are better reflecting our Creator and the story He’s trying to tell through us.
!
a
"
So date your spouse. Put as much energy into it as everything else. And yes, date night will sometimes mean sitting on the couch after the kids go to bed and watching 4 episodes of Gilmore Girls, while other times it means getting a babysitter and making it special. Whatever it is, just put time and energy into it, and ultimately remember it’s about closeness and oneness.
SPEND LESS TIME
SPEND MORE TIME
TOGETHER.
GET DATEBOX: A NEW, CREATIVE DATE, EVERY MONTH, FOREVER.
YOUR FIRST MONTH IS FREE. GETDATEBOX.COM PROMO CODE “STRONGERMARRIAGES”
NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
BY CRAIG GROSS
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NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
My daughter started taking dance lessons at a new studio this fall. The studio is just getting off the ground and didn’t have a website or social media profiles—and didn’t know where to start. I volunteered to help and, in a matter of moments, had all those things up and going. Students can now schedule classes online, find the studio on Google+, Facebook, and Instagram, and pretty soon fans will be able buy some cool clothes online. I forget sometimes that most people who haven’t been running websites for the past 14 years get overwhelmed at all this kind of stuff; they’re content just to put a listing in the phone book. Me? I enjoy doing it. I don’t enjoy running like some guys on our team, but I realize that might be because I tend to run too fast. The same is true with work. I start things and then get excited and then often push things out the door before they are ready. Before there is a budget. Before they are spell-checked. Before there is a plan. This can be a good thing —my daughter’s dance studio is grateful, after all —but sometimes our ministry can find ourselves in the middle of a project that pulls too many resources for our small team to handle. Recently, I did this again. This time, it was a new website with an obvious focus: StrongerMarriages.com. I called some friends and colleagues to help provide ongoing content, then I shared with Ryan from our team that we would be launching the site on October 3rd as sort of a soft launch. Ryan asked me lots of questions about budget and long-term strategy, and I didn’t have many answers. I actually built most of the website myself with a few friends late into the evenings; I thought we could simply get this out the door at no cost other than our time.
And then we launched it. And in the first 15 days, we saw these numbers:
In case you aren’t used to reading site statistics, that is page views
USERS
1,310,471
468,930
For a site that almost no one knew about.
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Now I know my website design skills aren’t that great. So it had nothing to do with the way the site looked or the big names we recruited to write for it. No, I think people just want stronger marriages. The world is hungry for a site like ours. So with this in mind, we sat with our team for three days in early October and considered the huge opportunity we have to speak into relationships and strengthen marriages.
We believe StrongerMarriages.com has the capacity and capabilities to reach even more people than we reach at XXXchurch.com. • So, we started opening spreadsheets, writing on white boards, sending out emails, and developing a plan to make StrongerMarriages.com the all-intensive resource its audience deserves. • This is where my end-of-the-year ask comes. Two years ago we asked you to invest into the rebuild of our software X3watch — and that investment now provides 50% of our operating budget. Thanks to many of you who helped us build that. • Last year, you helped us launch iParent.tv, and as I travel and speak across the country, I hear from countless parents who are thankful for this free resource that helps them make informed decisions about where their kids go online.
This year, I’m asking you to invest in marriages. This is usually the part where I would throw a bunch of statistics at you to convince you of the need, but not this time. You already know it. Marriage is hard work, and you probably already know multiple couples who could use a stronger marriage, let alone those whose marriage is hanging by a thread. This is a resource for those who are happily married or those who are barely getting by — or for anyone in between.
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NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
We want to build the largest website resource online on the topic of marriage. Audacious goal? Yes. But we have done just that with XXXchurch.com, where we have over
21,000
pages of content.
33 milion page views.
trusted website online on the topics of sex and porn.
We want StrongerMarriages.com to be that place for marriage.
But it goes beyond that. Here are four goals we have for the future.
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1 We want to have the number one marriage podcast in the world. I think that is achievable. More and more people are leaving traditional radio for podcasts and on-demand programming available online and on mobile devices. This is the future of ministry. We are in the early stages of working with a knowledgeable team to do something on the level of Serial (one of the most popular and well-produced podcasts) and other hugely popular podcasts. A high-quality, well-produced show that will be like nothing in this space but that anyone would be proud to share with no apologies.
2 We want StrongerMarriages to be strong offline as well. We also want people to know about StrongerMarriages in places other than the internet, so we have a great team of influencers, speakers, bloggers, and writers with massive followings who are getting the word out. We want to think bigger and launch some aggressive campaigns that will reach millions more. We reached half a million people in 15 days with almost no promotion; what could we do if we really tried? We’re working with a team that does Facebook Ads, as well as with Google and YouTube to spend some dollars that are targeted at the people we want to reach. In addition to reaching people online we want to reach people offline and we have a killer idea that we will do Valentine’s Day, which brings us to:
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NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
3 We want to plaster America with Valentine’s Day 2016 billboards. All these billboards will have marriage quotes on them—some funny, some serious — and all will point to StrongerMarriages.com. We’ll promote them in the press and online, turning it into a major campaign that extends into print and online. If we do it right, we will make national news.
4 And finally: We want to hire full-time staff. We’re so committed to the strength and longevity of StrongerMarriages that we intend to hire full-time staff just to oversee and concentrate on this invaluable ministry.
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But we can’t do this without your help. To accomplish these four huge goals requires some financial assistance, and we’re looking to raise $100,000 by the end of this year — and get another $100,000 committed through 2016 — in order to put the necessary weight behind StrongerMarriages so that it can find the audience that so desperately needs it.
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Will you partner with us this Christmas and help us get this much-needed resource in front of those who need it most?
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Your investment will help strengthen marriages in your region, in your country, and across the world.
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NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
——————————————————————— YOU CAN DONATE ONCE OR GIVE A MONTHLY PLEDGE.
——————————————————————— Every gift of $50, $100, or even $1000 helps us immensely. And for any gift of $100 or more, you’ll receive access to our Online Married Workshop (at Married.events) as a way of saying thanks. Just go to StrongerMarriages.com/donate to see all the options. Thank you for your generosity. We look forward to all the amazing stories that will come about as a result of this ministry. Lives will be saved. Children will be spared the pain of divorce. Husbands and wives will fall in love all over again. And you will have contributed.
Thank you. This is an investment that will reap enormous returns. I can’t wait to tell you more.
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There’s something in you that knows miracles still happen and that wants a miracle to happen. And where there’s hope, where even one spouse wants a change, there can be change.
by Shaunti Feldhahn
recently received a message from a worried wife. She was in the midst of a difficult time of conflict with her husband, so she found it easier to avoid him than be “hurt, disrespected, and uncared for.” She knew they had terrible communication and expressed a desire to work on their marriage through counseling, but also indicated that her husband would not go to counseling with her. Finally, she ended her message with this sentence: “I’m not sure why I’m writing, honestly. It feels hopeless.” These are the kinds of pleas we’re receiving through StrongerMarriages. These are the kinds of marriages we want to help. This was how I responded: Dear Wife: The fact that you wrote in tells me one very important thing: it’s not hopeless. You still care. You are trying to hang on.
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But right now, there are two big truths to confront. First, here’s the thing about avoiding your spouse: the more you do it, the easier it gets and the harder it becomes to reconnect. Picture what happens when you’re in, say, a really fantastic small group from church, with really tight friends… and then one of those friends moves away. You can stay in touch and try to stay “as close as ever,” but it usually doesn’t work out that way. You’re still friends, but you don’t share the closeness you used to. Life — and distance —gets in the way. The same thing happens to a husband and wife who aren’t up-close and personal anymore.
——————————————————— here’s the thing about avoiding your spouse: the more you do it, the easier it gets and the harder it becomes to reconnect. ——————————————————— In my research about what makes happy couples, 90% of the happy couples I surveyed said they spent quite a bit of time together. Hanging out (even if it means via email or text
NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
sometimes!) is one of those simple, little things that fosters closeness. The happiest couples do small things; they simply go shopping together, go for walks together, or even just sit and have coffee in the mornings before work while reading the newspaper and maybe mentioning here and there the things they’re reading. On the flip side of that, only 35% of the struggling couples I talked to said they hung out at least twice a week.
——————————————————— Hanging out (even if it means via email or text sometimes!) is one of those simple, little things that fosters closeness. ———————————————————
Think about your best girlfriend. I’m guessing the reason she’s your best girlfriend is because you hang out and talk a lot, right? And you wouldn’t be best pals if you rarely interacted, right? Certainly not if you avoided each other! You see where I’m going with this, I’m sure. It’s time to start making time to be with your husband. One counselor I know suggests literally scheduling thirty minutes each day just to hang out and talk, with no arguing allowed. She says, “ You can start fighting again thirty minutes later if you want, but for that time simply don’t deal with the conflict stuff. Just be friends again.” Build your friendship, and the feelings of closeness will follow. But there’s a second truth to confront as well: dealing with your hurt in a healthy way is essential. You don’t deserve to feel hurt and disrespected, and “building your friendship” might sound good in theory—but it is hard to be friends with someone who you feel doesn’t care about you.
——————————————————— dealing with your hurt in a healthy way is essential. ———————————————————
So this is where you need to enlist help. From both a qualified counselor and positive, encouraging friends who will
support not just you but also your marriage. You need help and guidance because you’re confused. Because you don’t know the next steps. And because, if you’re feeling hurt, it is highly likely that your husband is, too. The stuff that hurts you looms large, and needs to be addressed—but have you thought through what looms large for him? Maybe you don’t realize it, but I’m guessing he has felt like a complete failure as a husband for a long time and has (as is common for men) shut down all affection as a result. Now, he could be a complete failure as a husband, for all I know—but it is highly unlikely that he’s a jerk who doesn’t care. He probably cares about you deeply. Statistically, most husbands (and wives) intensely care about their spouses; they just don’t always know how to show it correctly. And because we’re all imperfect people, that most likely applies not only to him—but also to you. All of which is why you need help.
——————————————————— if you’re feeling hurt, it is highly likely that your husband is, too. ——————————————————— Sure, he should be willing to go to counseling—but even if he won’t right now, you can. It is absolutely critical that you go to a counselor who is not only licensed and experienced, but that is also committed to helping to restore your marriage. And you need someone capable of guiding you through this, who can help you to see the best in each other again. Because it would be such a tragedy if two people who did care about each other fell apart simply because both had been trying hard in the wrong areas and didn’t realize it, or hurt each other without really intending to. Both people would feel hurt, disconnected, and uncared for. Both would feel like “I’m trying so hard, but my spouse isn’t.” Both would feel powerless. Sound familiar? It will take work to restore your marriage, and you will need help doing it, but as you get to know your husband all over again you’ll realize that you can reconnect again, and you’ll see that it is worth it to try.
HANG TIME
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1 [Editor’s Note: at StrongerMarriages, we understand that our audience might include those who are not yet married. Here is a post one of our contributors wrote with this audience in mind-we’re delighted to share it with you here.]
Let’s be honest: many people are having sex in some version before marriage (yes, even Christians). To deny that is to live in a bubble.
You will save yourself a lot of regretful moments.
If you talk to anyone who had a variety of sexual encounters before they got married, inevitably you’ll find they have at least one – but probably many – they wish they could take back. Sex that’s in the moment is often sex where consequences aren’t considered. Which leads to mistakes. Which leads to regret. Having sex is so personal and permanent. It can never be undone; it shouldn’t be something you regret.
And I want to be transparent. I’m a pastor, a Christian, and a guy who had sex before he got married. And I wish I had heard more on this topic when I was younger because maybe it would have spared me some hard life lessons. Don’t get me wrong. When I was growing up I DID hear a lot of religious reasons not to have sex (mostly from people who looked like they never had or would have sex). I also heard all the standards. You might get someone pregnant. You might catch an STD, etc. And with all of these reasons my response was usually one of two. 1: Rules don’t feel good. Orgasms do. 2: I’ll roll the dice. It probably won’t happen to me. I never heard practical reasons to NOT have sex before marriage. I never heard good explanations as to the actual purpose of sex. I never heard or read anything that really mattered for the “here and now.” So, all that being said, here are 5 practical reasons to keep it buttoned up and hold off having sex until marriage. Reasons that might not seem super important NOW but will be HUGE down the road.
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2
It will keep relationships simpler and easier to evaluate.
Nothing complicates a relationship like hopping into bed together. It’s much harder to recognize a broken relationship when you are having sex with someone. Want to know if the relationship you have is actually worth having or continuing? Try not having sex and see if you still want to be around the person. I’m convinced that “hot sex” before marriage is a main contributor to broken marriages. Why? Because those marriages most likely would have never happened if the sex wasn’t keeping them together in the first place.
5 REASONS TO KEEP IT BUTTONED UP UNTIL YOU'RE MARRIED FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
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3
5
It’s difficult going ‘a la carte’ when you’re used to a buffet.
Let’s be honest: if you are used to having sex with whomever and have “sampled all the varieties,” then monogamous sex with one partner may be a hard pill to swallow. It doesn’t matter if the food quality is way better at the a la carte restaurant. Buffet people are buffet people because they convince themselves that variety is always best, even if the food quality isn’t so great. I know this may sound counter-intuitive in a day and age where consumption rules, but if your only frame of reference for sex is with your spouse (sex that’s special and intimate),
Sex Affects Your Brain
One of the most interesting aspects of the brain is how its rewards system works. Simply put, the brain is designed to seek out and recreate those experiences that make it feel good. This is of course why porn addiction can be so difficult to beat. Here’s the thing. While our brain’s rewards system can serve to our own destruction (like in the case of addiction) it can also serve to our betterment. As a fitness junkie I can tell you that over time I have wired my brain to want exercise. I know—sounds crazy. But it’s true. My brain has wired itself to seek out exercise as a pleasure source and that greatly benefits my health. Take this one step further. Imagine if your only frame of reference for sex or an orgasm was your spouse. What type of effect do you think that would have on your brain? On your relationship? That type of chemical bond is a powerful one and compliments the emotional and spiritual bonds you already have making the marriage stronger. Yes, the Biblical reasons are important. Yes, not having sex before marriage because “God said so” is important.
then it’s going to be pretty great and you are not going to be worrying about what else you may be missing out on.
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Sexual history is not something JUST you have to contend with.
When you bring a sexual history into your marriage, you are affecting both people. You have to deal with your flames of old, and so does your spouse. A relationship that is threatened by comparisons is one that lacks security, and security is incredibly important in the bedroom.
But, realize that God didn’t tell us these things because he wants to rob us of pleasure. He doesn’t want to withhold the best. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. God’s design for sex is meant to give us the best. His ways are not just spiritual. Sometimes they are also tremendously practical and always beneficial. And sometimes those ways may not seem important in the HERE and NOW but they will make perfect sense down the road. On a side note, this post might imply that once you had premarital sex you’ve blown it. Not true. My wife and I have worked through all these things and have come out stronger and better for it. But truth be told, there are those moments when I look back and say, if only had been a little more forward-thinking.
5 REASONS TO KEEP IT BUTTONED UP UNTIL YOU'RE MARRIED FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
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Intentional Friendship:
What Happens When You Make Friends on Purpose By Matt Shatto It’s been almost ten years since I first met Craig Gross. I hadn’t heard of Fireproof Ministries or XXXchurch; someone just introduced us and thought there was a chance we would hit it off when he and his family moved to Michigan. They were right. We became fast friends. Most friendships revolve around some shared interest or activity: a book club, fraternity, kids’ school volunteer group, Bible study, or a sports team. I inevitably have some of these friendships. However, as I look over all my friendships, my best and closest friends are not of this variety. My best friendships started with people with only one goal in mind: friendship. Yes, just being friends.
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INTENTIONAL FRIENDSHIP FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
Of course, I have a number of things in common with these friends, like sports, faith, kids, business interests, etc but my closest friendships didn’t start there. These few close friendships all started with a mutual pursuit to get to know the other person just to become friends. That’s it. The goal was simple: try to give, receive, and grow in friendship. That may sound weird but it worked. Not only did Craig and I become friends, but our wives and kids also shared in friendship. We’d do stuff normal friends do: hang out with our kids, share meals together, and talk about our lives. This is where things were unfortunately not very normal. We tried to talk about real things. Business struggles, hopes for our marriages, issues with our extended families, dreams for our kids, and the conditions of our hearts.
NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
Shortly into our friendship, Craig had asked if I wanted to be on his board of directors. I wasn’t sure that I was qualified or knew what he was looking for, but after taking some time to make the decision, I told Craig that I would be happy to help in this capacity. However, I told him my decision to help was first based on our friendship and second on the ministry. That may sound backward to you, but it was the only way that made sense to me. I believe in Craig, and if Craig believes in the ministry, then I am behind it. My task isn’t to understand everything about the ministry; my job is to be a friend to Craig, challenge him, and keep his heart healthy.
strangers to each other), share some meaningful content, and then share their own story with some vulnerability. “No,” because we are all so hungry for something real.
This ministry has seen a lot of changes since I’ve been involved, but the biggest change has to be how close to home all this stuff has gotten. It’s no longer someone else’s kids in the youth group that are being exposed to porn—it’s our own kids and our friends’ kids. It’s no longer someone else’s marriage that needs to be strengthened—it’s ours and our friends’ marriages. We decided we must get even more serious about things.
The other big challenge of real friendship is persevering. So many things cause friendships to end: disagreements, stages of life, annoyances, different interests. However, its probably more typical that any one of these things cause friendships to just fizzle out over time. It’s rare that you meet people who have been close friends for 10, 20, or 30 years.
This past summer we all got together in Ohio to combine board meetings and a new marriage seminar he’d put together with some friends. As a board, we all brought our spouses but at the last minute, my wife Jayne came down with shingles. Attending a marriage event alone isn’t the most enjoyable way to spend your time, so I left early. The caveat with leaving early was that Jayne and I were going to watch the videos alone together. But we never did that. We came up with a better idea. What if we involved our friends and used it as an exercise in both marriage and friendship? Jayne actually suggested the idea to some close married friends of ours. They were immediately in. The idea was this: each couple would invite some other couples over for three consecutive Sunday nights to hang out, have some drinks and dessert, watch the videos together, and discuss them. Despite the invitations being quite vague (because the plan was really pretty vague), almost everyone showed up.
As I write this, we’re actually just two weeks into this little experiment in friendship and don’t really know where it’s going to go. But that’s pretty much the point. We all said the overall reason we were doing this was: to share friends & share in friendship. Sharing friends meant putting a group of people together whom we thought could become friends. Sharing in friendship meant we’d explore the real conversations of our hearts.
It’s no longer someone else’s marriage that needs to be strengthened, it’s ours and our friends’ marriages.
I’m not sure where my friendship with Craig will go, either. It’s taken us to some really fun places already. It’s taken our families to some fun places. It’s also taken all of us through some hard stuff together. The best part of a good friend is that they’re still in the fight with you and they aren’t planning on quitting.
Our friends asked if we were surprised that almost everyone showed up and were engaged for the evenings. Our answer was both “yes” and “no.” “Yes,” because people don’t generally invite a random group of people over (who are mostly
INTENTIONAL FRIENDSHIP
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NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
For a pair of doctors, Les and Leslie Parrott have a unique partnership. Les is a psychologist, while Leslie is a marriage and family therapist, and the two of them have combined their separate disciplines into one unique passion. by Adam Palmer “It’s our passion for married couples to experience all the joy they can together,” says Leslie. Les continues. “We’ve developed something I’ve never seen before: a powerful marriage assessment.” This assessment? They call it Save Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS), and it works much like an online personality profile tool. But where most personality profiles stop at giving information, this one goes a step beyond.
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IT’S LIKE AN X-RAY FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
“It generates a 15- to 18-page report that does many things,” according to Les. “For example, it gives you a snapshot of both of your personalities and how they mesh, and how you can leverage those as a couple.” “It’s like an X-ray for your relationship,” Leslie adds. “It’s insightful and will provide many a-ha moments.” The doctors also note that the results from SYMBIS aren’t just presented as a textual report. There are additionally
NEWSLETTER CHRISTMAS 2015
plenty of data-driven graphs and charts, and they’re quick to note that all of this information is given context via a live Skype session with a trained and certified facilitator. “There’s a school of thought that says awareness is curative,” Les says. “That once you become aware of things about your relationship, you can then do something about it. That’s what we’re hoping for with SYMBIS, and why we’ve partnered with StrongerMarriages to offer it.”
once you become aware of things about your relationship, you can then do something about it.
Les is also quick to note that, while their tool is called Save Your Marriage Before It Starts, that such time constraints do not apply to the actual product. “SYMBIS is for any age and any stage,” he says, “and not just for engaged couples or newlyweds.”
“Half the fun of the assessment is just taking it!” says Leslie. “It’s well-researched and very valid and reliable, but we’ve found from couples that they enjoy taking it as much as getting the results from it.”
THE SYMBIS MARRIAGE ASSESSMENT
TEACHES YOU HOW TO UNDERSTAND YOUR SPOUSE. AND UNDERSTANDING IS EVERYTHING. NO MATTER WHAT AGE NO MATTER WHAT STAGE SYMBIS CAN HELP YOUR MARRIAGE GET STRONGER.
VISIT STRONGERMARRIAGES.COM/SYMBIS TO GET STARTED.
So here we are. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about StrongerMarriages and have gained renewed excitement and courage for your own marriage. And maybe you’re reading this final page and are wondering: what can I do? There are a few things. For starters, you can talk about StrongerMarriages.com. Talk about it in person. Share it through social media. Tell the leaders of your church about us and let them know we want to be a resource for your entire congregation, not just a handful of people in it. You can also take part in our group challenge. We’re looking for 100 couples to host a three-week group in their home. We provide the videos, you provide the screen, the chairs, and the conversation afterward. We’ve started this as a pilot program among a few of our friends and have seen incredible results. All it takes is a home, a few snacks, and a willingness to talk openly, so if you want to be part, check out StrongerMarriages.com/groupchallenge And finally, you can donate. Whether you want to give a one-time gift for the end of the year or you’d like to make us part of your monthly giving, we will graciously and gratefully accept. You can discover all the different support levels and make your donation at StrongerMarriages.com/donate. However you choose to help us, we’re thrilled that you would consider partnering with us and we look forward to seeing the institution of marriage made stronger across the nation and the world.
--Craig
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A FINAL WORD
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