FALL 2014 // FIREPROOFMINISTRIES.COM
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I’m getting older Yes,
I know—this is not exactly groundbreaking news. We’re all getting older, of course. But the older I get, the more time I’m investing in the things that matter the most to me: my wife and my kids. The newness of being a married couple has long worn off my relationship with Jeanette, and the older my kids get, the more daunting raising them becomes. There is no question that I love my wife, but how do I go about keeping that love vibrant and growing and spontaneous over the years? There is no question that I love my kids, but how do I go about making sure they reach adulthood with hearts that are guarded for innocence but still attuned to the lost and hurting in the real world? THESE ARE NOT EASY QUESTIONS, and they seem to get less and less easy the longer I live with them. Which is why we’ve opened up our focus here
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at Fireproof ministries to talk more about marriages and families. Yes, we’re still committed to our work with those who struggle in the world of porn, both those who make it and those who use it. But the longer we carry on in this ministry effort, the more we realize that much of the damage we see could’ve been better addressed at the family or marriage level before porn ever entered the picture. So many people turn to pornography as a result of difficulties within their marriages or from something they endured as children—what if we can help strengthen those marriages or contribute to healthier, more stable childhoods? The more we’ve turned this over in our minds, the more we’ve realized that marriages and families are just as important to our mission as porn show outreach, X3groups, X3pure, and all of the other resources we offer. With that in mind, we present THE MARRIAGE AND FAMILY ISSUE of our Fireproof Ministries newsletter. Within these pages, you’ll find out about our new webinars, read a cool story about how X3watch became a tool to create a lifelong relationship, get an exclusive look at two different book excerpts that we’re really excited about… and that’s just a taste. I hope you’ll dig in to this issue and take advantage of the information you’ll find here. Because nothing is more important than family. Thanks for being a part of ours.
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Webinars
Watching and Waiting
Visual
8 Reasons My Spouse Won’t Have Sex
What are they thinking?
6 Ways To Restore Trust
Touchy Subjects
Rock On
Craig.
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Webinars
O
ne of the things we’ve always strived for here at Fireproof Ministries and XXXchurch is to seek out new, innovative ways to get our message out to the public. As our mission has developed and grown over the years, we’ve started looking more and more at ways to expand our reach beyond people in the porn industry or people— largely men—who struggle with consuming pornography. As you’ve hopefully noticed in this very issue of our newsletter, we’ve opened up our message to begin talking more and more about families and marriage and all the ways that these two vital institutions can be strengthened, not just restored after an affair or confession of porn usage. With this in mind, we’ve begun offering free webinars through
XXXchurch.com on a variety of these very topics. We’re inviting in experts in their various fields to talk through their specialty and the ways it relates to our mission, all in an effort to help parents raise better kids, to help spouses have deeper and more intimate marriages, and to help families grow more tightly knit. We started with a great one called FIVE PROVEN WAYS TO OVERCOME PORNOGRAPHY with our good friend Steven Luff. This webinar provided crucial information for our core audience, an audience which is only growing as pornography becomes more prevalent online. From there we offered HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX with Craig Gross, an extremely informative and helpful look at this very crucial topic, especially as sex
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and sexuality become more accepted and acknowledged in our culture. It’s important for parents to have a balanced, nuanced, and relational approach when it comes to teaching their kids about something as glorious and intimate as sex, and that’s exactly what this webinar provided.
We’re excited about the future of our webinars and all the people who will receive help, encouragement, and inspiration through these valuable tools, which is why we provide them for absolutely no charge. If you’d like to access any of these previous webinars— or any upcoming webinars— you’ll find the free archive at XXXchurch.com/ webinar-archives.html.
To view any of our webinars for free, visit XXXchurch.com/webinar-archives.html
After that, we brought in marriage and relationship expert Dave Willis to team up with Craig Gross for FIVE THINGS HUSBANDS DON’T TELL THEIR WIVES, looking at how men and women communicate differently, the ways that men process thoughts, the importance of transparency and honesty in marriage, and some of the messages that men struggle to communicate clearly to their wives. Powerful stuff.
And then it was time to offer the platform to relationship expert Shaunti Feldhahn and THREE THINGS MEN AND WOMEN SHOULD KNOW BUT DON’T! What a crucial topic to help not just husbands and wives but men and women of any age or marital status. The more we can know about ourselves and about each other, the more equipped we are to live fuller, richer lives.
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How X3watch helped prepare one unexpecting couple for marriage
WATCHING & WAITIN T
oward the end of 2012, Ryan Stark received terrible news: his mother Joni had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer. One’s life tends to get put on hold in times like that, and Ryan’s was no different—he traveled with Joni from their home town in Quincy, Illinois to Houston, Texas to begin intensive treatment of her condition, only to head right back to Illinois in order to take the weekend to settle some things, get some items from around Joni’s house, and drive her vehicle back down to Texas for a long-term stay.
But what was originally supposed to be a whirlwind weekend turned into something life-changing that Ryan had not foreseen. That Friday night, Ryan invited some friends over to his house to hang out; one of those friends—a man named Kyle—brought along another friend named Kimber. The connection was immediate and apparent between Ryan and Kimber, and they began to develop a deep relationship that blossomed quickly. So quickly, in fact, that while Ryan was in Texas, they stayed up late almost every night talking, which gave the two plenty of time to learn about one another and rapidly fall in love.
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“Within the first month, we talked on the phone a lot and got to know each other,” says Kimber. “I was open and honest and transparent about my struggles, and he did the same thing for me, and I thought it was really cool that he would let me in.”
our wedding,” Ryan says. “It was important to me to set accountability partners that would actually hold me accountable, who would open the emails and call me out on stuff when I needed them to. [Kyle or] my pastor, Ben, would hit me up and let me know, on the occasions when something flagged on the app, and that was encouraging to let me know that I had friends who would follow up and who cared enough about me to hold me accountable. I knew I had to choose someone I didn’t want to let down, who I respected. It was a motivator.”
The goal was to keep my mind pure and to be ready for my future wife. Let her in to what, exactly? To the fact that he had people holding him accountable through X3watch.
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“I’d been using X3watch, and it was cool, because it helped keep me on the right track,” Ryan says. “My mind was less tempted and less tainted with impurity for my future wife. I liked having the mobile app for my iPhone and my iPad and for my computer as well. Definitely helped me in my walk.” But not just in his Christian walk—X3watch was one of the many pieces Ryan relied on as he walked through life as a single man waiting for the right woman to come along. “The goal was to keep my mind pure and be closer to the Lord and prepare myself to be ready for my future wife.” So when that woman came along in the form of Kimber, Ryan was ready to let her know the work he’d put in before he’d ever even met her. He spilled the beans about X3watch early on, and rather than off-putting, Kimber found it endearing. “A lot of guys are very protected about their struggles,” Kimber says, “and it’s hard to dig through that wall of protection sometimes. It was special that he would let me in on that.” Even more endearing: one of Ryan’s accountability partners was their mutual friend—and the person who’d introduced them: Kyle. “Kyle is a really good friend; he was the best man at
Kimber’s connection to this mutual friend developed differently than Ryan’s. “My struggles were also with purity,” she says. “I became out of control in college, kind of struggling to find who I was and flirting with faith in God—as well as with every boy I found attractive. I eventually hit rock bottom with that, and there I found God waiting for me to choose Him, so I got on fire for the Lord.” And then Kyle entered the equation. “Kyle was unlike any other Christian man I’d ever met before. He was very careful about protecting both his purity as well as mine anytime I was around him. I’d never met someone that was concerned about this, especially a man. Kyle encouraged me while I was growing and learning about how to be a woman after God’s heart instead of a man’s heart.” This development within Kimber’s heart was exactly what she needed. “After Kyle introduced us, Ryan told me about X3watch and how it worked,” she says. “I’d never heard about it until Ryan told me, but we connected [through our desire for purity] and were able to have a lot of forgiveness and grace towards each others past struggles.” As for Joni: sadly, she passed away a month before Ryan and Kimber wed, but her memory lives on through the story of her son, her daughter-in-law, and the grace that brought them together.
Find out more about X3watch’s online accountability solutions by visiting X3watch.com
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S
ome of the many things we love about the work we do through XXXchurch and Fireproof Ministries are the opportunities we have to partner with so many other great ministries, thinkers, and leaders in this area. One such partnership is with Shaunti Feldhahn, an analytical researcher and best-selling author who has turned her talents to examining relationships between men and women. Shaunti and Craig Gross are now collaborating on Visual, a new book that explores the visual nature of men, why men are set up that way, and how to make that default setting work best both relationally and in life. We’re delighted to have the opportunity to present an excerpt from Visual. We hope you enjoy it; look for the full book in 2015.
AN EXC E RP T
Visual God is smart, and He knew what He was doing when He made men and women. See, we haven’t always lived in a modern world full of readily available food, easily accessible natural resources, swift medical help, and overpopulation problems. No, when God made us, a whole lot of conveniences and conventions that we take for granted had not yet been established. He had to make us with certain drives in order to get all our daily problems solved so that we could grow up, thrive, have our own kids, raise them, and so on, continuing the circle of life.
So what did He do? He gave men and women different tendencies. Since day care and formula didn’t yet exist at the beginning of creation, women had to stay home to care for and feed their babies and other children – a task that men are ill-suited for without a bottle and a microwave.
But if the women were caring for the babies, who was caring for the women? Men, that’s who! Men had to provide food to solve the calorie problem, and since that food didn’t grow at their feet or wander willingly into their camp, the men had to leave home and go out to find it.
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That’s just one way that we see the reasons behind some of the traditional roles that men play in our society, but another trait God put within both men and women is the desire to create children and care for them. Again, when God made man and woman, we didn’t have intensive care units or children’s Tylenol; raising a child to adulthood was an incredibly daunting task. So how did our ancestors make sure enough children lived into adulthood in order to keep our species going? They had to have a bunch of kids. And what’s the only way to have a bunch of kids? To have a lot of sex! And how could God ensure that men would want to have a lot of sex in order to keep mankind alive? For starters, He made sex feel incredibly good – essentially the best natural sensation one can have. And then, to top it off, He placed a deep, driving urge within a man to look.
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When a man is looking at a woman, there is a primal need within him, placed there by God, to find a potential mate, a woman who will be able to have and care for their children. And what does a woman need to have a baby? Hips! What does she need to feed it? Breasts! Are you starting to see a pattern here? This is the underlying structure of the man’s brain, and it is a gift from God. Now, does that mean that he can go sleeping around or leering at every woman who wanders in front of his eyes? Of course not! God also gave men and women the ability to bond with one another in order to create a stable family of care and nurturing, as well as to reveal Himself to us in ways we can understand Him. He gave us a way to recognize our differences and meet in the middle.
The mutual care and love we feel for our spouse is a sacred reflection of one of the many types of love God feels for us.
He called it love.
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sex is a big part of your relationship. No, it’s not the only part, but it is an important facet to creating the lifelong love and intimacy you need to make a marriage work. So let’s spend a few pages talking about sex—and more specifically, about eight reasons your spouse may not be having it with you. First up: the husbands. I hear the phrase “My wife won’t have sex with me” a lot. My buddy has some serious shoulder and back hair and guess what: his wife still has sex with him. I am
guilty of farting in bed way too much and guess what: my wife still has sex with me. According to Shaunti Feldhahn, women for the most part are far less visual then men. The hair, the farting—on the whole that stuff doesn’t bother them. So why am I hearing so many guys say their wives aren’t having sex with them? Here are a few reasons I’ve seen. Obviously, I don’t know your spouse and your situation, but if I had to guess, it’s one or two of the following things.
8 Reasons Why My Spouse 1
in the past that she’s never worked through. This could be how she lost her virginity. This could be a situation involving abuse or rape at a younger age. She thought marriage would solve this, but these issues have never been addressed thoroughly and have caused her to just not be interested. My gut is that if you could help her process some of these things or encourage some counseling, then that could be a great start to help her find the healing she needs.
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I was taught growing up that sex was bad; we couldn’t do it and it was off limits. Then one day at 22 I got married and it went from a lifelong RED light to a GREEN light in one day. That’s a tough mental switch to make, so a lot of women still feel sex is dirty and a bad thing not understanding it is a gift from God. Talk through this stuff. Talk about sex being a great thing and something to celebrate.
Sorry guys… let’s just be honest. I’m not saying you have a small penis. Most women don’t care about the size. It’s more than that. We live in a world where sex with yourself (masturbation) has become the norm, and most men bring this into their marriage. Masturbation has taught you one thing: how you like it. It leaves something out: her. If you approach sex like that, then she won’t enjoy it. You need to communicate with one another. Listen to her. Let her be involved in what she likes, how she likes it, and let her reach orgasm. Really work to achieve this together and if not at the same time make sure both of you have the option.
5 I am not going to bore you with the crock pot vs. the microwave analogy, because I think you’ve probably already heard that. Women need to be touched, kissed, and hugged all the time, not just when you want action. This will go far. Trust me.
I love the hours from 9pm-1am. They’re my best, most productive hours of the day because no one is awake in my house and my phone or email are not getting blown up. My wife is done after about 9pm. So, we put our kids down early so we make sure we have time to connect, but I know that even though she would like to have sex, if we get too late into the evening, it’s not going to happen. Guys, you might have to get on her schedule.
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These are the walls I talked about earlier. Some of them might not have anything to do with you, but some of them sure do. Guys, we’re stupid. We have no clue that something we said this morning pissed off our wives and they are still upset. Or it could be that the way you’ve been treating her all week or all month or your whole marriage has forced her to build up walls between you. Pay attention to her. Look for signals and ask. Don’t avoid conflict— run towards resolution and get in the sack. The devil is laughing when us married folks sleep in separate beds.
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We live in a world of porn, swimsuit issues, and Victoria’s Secret. Most women know they can’t compete with the images of the women we have stored on our visual hard drive. Have you told her you loved her? Have you told her she is beautiful? Have you told her she is sexy and you still get excited when she steps out of the shower? Show her, tell her, and keep the lights on once in a while during sex so you can remind her that you love looking at her.
Call me old school, but the Bible says it’s a husband’s responsibility to lead their wives, and this area is no different. It’s worth it. Stop playing games and seeing how many times you initiate sex compared to how many times she does or doesn’t. Just so you know, the longer men go without sex, the more they desire it, and the longer women go without sex, the more they don’t need it. So you see the problem there. That is getting you nowhere. You lead. You initiate. And when she does initiate, never turn her down.
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This is all about respect. No man wants to have sex with a wife who is constantly mothering him. If you are always on him, critiquing and complaining about what he does or doesn’t do, then he’d probably rather have sex with himself because he knows you aren’t satisfied with his performance in the bedroom, either. There’s a lot more where that came from.
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Men want to be wanted. In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, 66% of men said it is very important that they feel wanted by their spouse. Getting sex wasn’t enough by itself—just like wives want to be wanted, husbands also want to be wanted. Your desire for him is a huge foundation that helps him have confidence in his daily life. If there have been times before in your marriage where you have turned him down, then he just might not have the balls to initiate sex out of fear of rejection. This is his issue and he needs to lead, but hopefully this helps you understand why he is not wanting sex and it could be he doesn’t want to get rejected again.
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It’s very possible your husband has some kind of medical issue or depression that he just doesn’t want to deal with. We men… we tend to be pretty terrible about acknowledging our weaknesses, even when they’re affecting us and making us lose our appetite for sex. There might be several different issues your husband could be dealing with medically that affect his sex life and drive. It might be time for a trip to the doctor.
Let’s just be honest: guys are visual and if you aren’t putting any effort into what you look like and making the bedroom an incredible place to be, then he might not be turned on. Life happens—aging, pregnancy, illness, weight gain—you’re not going to look the way you did when you two first met. Fortunately, the deeper we love someone, the less importance we place on the exterior and the more we focus on the interior. That said, it doesn’t hurt to put in a little extra effort to look nice for your hubby. Sometimes even a small change can make a big impact, like resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home, wearing a cute outfit instead of frumpy jeans for a night out, or actually putting on some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought. In her book For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn states that wives should be the default image on their husband’s visual hard drive, so make a commitment to take care of yourself as best as you can—maybe you’ll inspire your husband and the two of you can work together to get a healthier lifestyle—both physically and emotionally— and make yourselves visually exciting for each other. It will pay off big-time when you’re naked in bed with the lights on.
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Maybe this is just me, but it seems like most men I know are done with Facebook. If it isn’t Facebook, it will be something else next week but come on, already. The comments, the posts the likes, the shares… Words with Friends, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and all these other things have crept into our bedrooms and become a distraction. Now, guys are not immune to this problem – in my house it’s ESPN and my “girlfriend” (my wife’s nickname for my laptop), so make an agreement that, after the kids go to bed, you put everything away and try and connect with each other.
Studies show that most (not all) guys need sex every three days or less. If you aren’t having sex anywhere close to this frequency, then I would have to wonder where else he is getting it—either through an affair or through porn. Don’t go hiring someone from the television show Cheaters just yet, but do have a frank discussion with him about the possibility. Most guys or gals will lie when confronted as well, so these are not just easy conversations to ask once and just accept it and move on. Dive into this and get to a place of honesty—and don’t be afraid to enlist a trusted counselor for help if you need it.
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In the same way that wives can put up walls, so can husbands. While men tend to be fairly good at compartmentalizing their needs, it’s still possible for an issue to build up to the point where it creates a wall. It can be a major issue in your relationship or just in your personal life that affects the two of you relationally, spiritually, or physically. It could be your own depression or physical health, or a change in character that has him wondering what’s going on. Whatever it is, look for signals to talk about it, then run toward that conflict and deal with it. It may be hard, but it’s worth it. Talk. Listen. Then listen some more. Own up to anything you might need to take responsibility for, and remember you’re in this together.
Yes, in England, demographically, men over age 45 list gardening as their second-favorite pastime, losing only to watching television. Sex is below gardening and TV. But I’m going to guess this reason probably doesn’t apply to your husband.
I hope this helps. I really hate to see married folks not having sex—even terrible sex is better than no sex. And if your sex is terrible, that just means you get to practice more! If you and you spouse aren’t having sex and nothing on either of these lists resonates with you, then talk together
about what’s going on. Don’t be afraid of that conversation. Don’t avoid it either. If you don’t know how to have those kinds of talks, get the help of a professional or pastoral counselor. Talk it out, get to work, and go to bed.
EDITOR’S NOTE: this piece originally appeared as two separate blog posts at XXXchurch.com and have been edited for length and clarity.
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“What are they thinking?” Without a doubt, this is by far the most-asked question when it comes to relationships, even long-standing ones. Perhaps it isn’t asked out loud all that often, but think back on your own interactions with your loved ones, your spouse, your children. There’s the incredulous version of the question, the kind you ask when you see your toddler coloring on the walls or when your pre-teen son wears the same t-shirt for five straight days. And then there’s the actual inquisitive version of the question, the kind you ask yourself when you’re in a heated discussion with your spouse or when your teenage daughter stares dispassionately out the car window, ear buds in and blasting at full volume.
Visit shaunti.com to learn more or to pick up a copy (or ten).
That’s the version of the question that Shaunti Feldhahn attempts to answer in two fabulous books that we can’t get enough of here at Fireproof Ministries: For Women Only and For Men Only. Drawing on extensive brain research and Shaunti’s analytical gifts, these books look at the underlying circuitry within the male and female minds to help men and women understand each other at the foundational, fundamental level. We recommend these books highly for anyone in any relationship status, whether married, divorced, dating, single, or not yet ready to date. They’re really that good! That’s what we think, anyway.
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TOUCHY SUBJECTS by Craig Gross
When I was a kid, I used to ride my bike all the time. Perhaps you did, too. Perhaps you rode it to school, rode it to friends’ houses, or rode it around the neighborhood just to kill time on a long summer day. But when I was a kid, I never wore a helmet. I’m guessing you didn’t either. Those were the days when seatbelts were an afterthought and infant car seats were an overpriced luxury. When we ate pretty much whatever we wanted and smoking cigarettes looked sophisticated. We weren’t being intentionally reckless—we just didn’t know any better. Today, now that we have safer vehicles and more informed health choices, we are able to live fuller, richer lives. Not out of fear, but out of knowledge. There’s no doubt that technology has made our lives more convenient, more expansive, and more connected than ever, but while the benefits have increased exponentially, so have the drawbacks. Apps, devices, websites, social media—it all shifts and changes so rapidly, how can you stay on top of what’s popular among your kids? This is why we’re so excited to announce iParent.TV, a new initiative of Fireproof Ministries. iParent.TV is an online resource that features hundreds of videos and posts to keep parents in the loop on all the latest tech fads that your kids might or might not be into. Want to know how to set the privacy settings on the Xbox One? We show you how. Want to decide whether SnapChat is right for your teenager? We give you the info. Want to find out what Reddit is all about? We have the answers.
If it’s online, it’s on iParent.TV. We envision this as being a resource to help parents make informed, responsible decisions about their kids and technology, especially as we get more connected and screens become more and more a part of our daily interactivity. With this in mind, we’ve also released a book to help parents navigate this newfound society that’s based more and more on the touchscreen. It’s called Touchy Subjects: Talking to Your Kids About Sex, Tech, and Social Media in the Touchscreen World, and it’s a collection of several principles of parenting, as well as answers to questions we actually get here at Fireproof Ministries and XXXchurch. Written by Craig Gross and clean comedian David Dean, it’s a frank and humorous resource for anyone who is parenting kids today. We’ve included an excerpt; the full book is available at TouchySubjects.net.
[ Too Much PRINCIPLE: AN EXCERPT
CRAIG:
If you’re like me, you want to have one talk about a touchy subject like social media or porn or tech, share all the details, go over everything, and then be done with it. Just get it out of the way in one swift motion and then never have to deal with it again. But you and I both know better. These conversations can’t look like that. Maybe that works for teaching your toddler how to use the Velcro strap on their shoes or your teenager the right way to start the lawnmower. Talking about touchy subjects doesn’t work that way. There are too many layers.
visit iparent.tv
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FRO
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T
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FROM TOUCHY SUBJECTS.
Too Soon
]
When you initiate the conversation, you only want to introduce that first layer. The basics. Then stop. You have their entire adolescence to go deeper, so just stick to the facts and don’t give them too much information too soon. So how soon is too soon? When David and I began putting this book together, we specifically chose not to break it down according to age. We have read several books along these lines, and I was surprised that so many of them did just that—simply turn to the section marked “Ages Seven Through Nine” and you’ll find out exactly what to say to them about these kinds of touchy subjects. Real life is not that easy. Instead, you have to speak to your child’s level of emotional maturity, starting when they’re young and continuing all the way up to adulthood. Be mindful when you have these conversations that you’re only educating them with what’s necessary for that time and not giving them too much too soon.
DAVID:
I do a lot of traveling, and I’ll never forget the time I boarded a plane, stowed my carry-on, sat down, buckled up, and turned to the person next to me and said, “Hi, I’m David. Nice to meet you. I hope this flight goes well.” You know what happened next? Before we even took off, that person opened up their mouth and started sharing their entire life story with me. Every last detail of everything they’d ever done and said. Now, while I appreciate the sentiment (as well as the implication that I give off the vibe of being a person who can be trusted with such private information), I thought, Why are you telling me all this? Why now? What am I supposed to do with it? If I wrote this down, would I be transcribing your diary?
FULL BOOK IS AVAILABLE AT TOUCHYSUBJECTS.NET.
I was being given a story that should’ve been told at a deeper level of relationship, at a different time, and in a different setting. This was the kind of conversation I should be having with a good friend over a cup of coffee in my living room, and lasting deep into the night. Not with someone I just met while sitting on a puddle-jumper to Cleveland, nursing a tiny plastic cup of Dr. Pepper that’s mostly just ice. Unfortunately, as parents we can tend to do the same thing with our children. In just a few minutes we can unload years and years of wisdom that we’ve gathered about a topic to a child who isn’t ready to hear it. Instead, give them what they need for that time and leave it at that.
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6 WAYS TO RESTORE TRUST
by Dave Willis
Trust is a tricky thing. It is the foundation of every healthy relationship. It is the security that makes intimacy possible. It can be simultaneously strong and yet very fragile. It takes great effort and time to build, but it can be broken quickly. Almost every relationship has encountered difficulties over broken trust. I would even argue that most difficulties in relationships stem directly from a breach of trust. Strong relationships (especially marriages) require strong trust, so here are six ways to build it (or rebuild it).
1 , Don t keep secrets In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Your spouse should have a “master key” to every part of your life. Never have a conversation you wouldn’t want them to hear, view a website you wouldn’t want them to see, or go someplace you wouldn’t want them to know about. Complete transparency is vital to building complete trust.
EDITOR’S NOTE: this piece appeared in its original form at DaveWillis.org and has been used with the author’s permission.
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Be consistent
Be willing to temporarily give up some freedoms
This is hard, but when you are in a process of rebuilding trust, do your very best to be consistent in your words and your actions. Consistency brings security, and security eventually brings trust.
When an arm is broken, it must be put in a cast to restrict its motion. Why? This gives it time—and opportune conditions— to heal. When you’ve broken trust, you must be willing to temporarily give up certain freedoms and accept certain restrictions to allow time for healing. This is usually the most uncomfortable part of the process, but it’s vital.
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Recognize the difference between forgiveness and trust
, Don t retaliate
Forgiveness and trust are two different things. When you’ve been wronged, you should extend forgiveness as quickly as you are able (which is “grace”), but you should give your trust slowly (which is “common sense!”). Forgiveness by its very nature cannot be earned; it can only be given. Trust by its very nature cannot be given; it can only be earned. Forgiveness has to come first and then grace can pave the way to restoration and renewed trust.
When we’ve been wronged, we usually have an urge to punish the person who wronged us. We want them to feel the pain they have caused us, but this kind of thinking hurts everyone involved and damages trust even more. It’s been said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies.” When you’ve been wronged in a relationship, give clear and specific guidelines for ways trust can be restored, but don’t punish the other person.
6 Keep the Love alive The Bible says that, “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” I love that picture of love being strong enough to cover our imperfections and fill in the cracks of our broken hearts. Keep loving each other and allow God to use the power of love and grace to bring wholeness and healing to your relationship.
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OCK O An Electrifying Approach To Marriage And Family
BY ADAM PALMER
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ON
From the time he was eight years old, Dave Wilson was a rocker. Picking up the electric guitar at a young age, Wilson embraced his inherent musicality at full volume before transferring his artistry to a different stage—that of a pastor, speaker, and chaplain for the NFL’s Detroit Lions. But it was in his capacity as a pastor where Wilson, along with his wife Ann, began to discover the rocker within once more—but this time with a twist. “We decided to do a marriage retreat for our church back in 1995 or so,” Wilson says. “The phrase everyone used back then when their marriage was in trouble was, ‘My marriage is on the rocks,’ so
something hit me and I said, ‘Let’s take that phrase and flip it: build your marriage on the Rock [of Christ]. And that became ‘Rock Your Marriage.’” But it became so much more than just Rock Your Marriage. Initially, the concept was kept in-house at Kensington Church, but expanded to other topics of interest and growth. “We established that anything that had ‘Rock Your ______’ on it was going to be coming from God’s heart,” Wilson says of the conceptual evolution. “Then it grew to, ‘Let’s talk about more than marriage—let’s talk about family and parenting.’”
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And thus the creation of the Wilsons’ “Rock Your Family” seminars, which have grown right alongside their “Rock Your Marriage,” but which now extend far outside of their original church environs into other churches, into online seminars, and even into secular workplaces. Wilson relates a recent story of offering a Rock Your Marriage seminar to the employees of a non-religious, for-profit company in his home state of Michigan. “The president [of the company] said, ‘I want all my employees to come, and for you to give them training on marriage. And don’t hold back—go for it.’” Naturally, the Wilsons leapt at the opportunity, and the results went far beyond what they’d expected. “We had at least 20% of the couples who only came because they thought it would look bad if they didn’t take the president up on the offer, but they were blown away. They felt like no one was talking about this stuff. We in the church world take this for granted, because we hear this stuff all the time. But out there, they don’t know.”
Dave & Ann Wilson
The Wilsons created “Rock Your Family” seminars, which have grown right alongside their “Rock Your Marriage,” but which now extend far outside of their original church environs into other churches, into online seminars, and even into secular workplaces.
The impact of the Rock Your Marriage/Family message has been felt deeply both within and without the church world. After one wildly successful seminar at the Wilsons’ church during Valentine’s weekend, Wilson says, “We had a couple tell us, ‘This literally saved our marriage in less than 24 hours. Five little talks and our legacy, our kids, our future— they’re never gonna be the same.’” High praise, to be sure, but praise to which Wilson hurriedly adds a caveat. “Of course, they have to go home and apply it, that’s a big thing. So we stress: it’s one thing to come here and hear the things, and something else to
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go home and put it into practice. And as they do, it is literally life-altering, family-altering, and legacy-changing in less than 24 hours.” These experience whet Wilson’s appetite for more unexpected opportunities to reach others with the message of not only Rock Your Marriage and Rock Your Family, but the message of the gospel. “I love the unchurched guy,” he says. “That’s where I wanna be, that’s where I wanna go. Because the seeds that were planted for the kingdom were huge. We had a lot of people asking, ‘Where’s your church? We wanna come. We’ve never heard anyone talk like normal in the church world!’”
EDITOR’S NOTE: we are pleased to partner with the Wilsons in offering Rock Your Marriage and/or Rock Your Family to readers of this newsletter—that’s you—for 50% off. Just use the code newsletter at checkout when you order at RockYourMarriage.com.
Looking ahead to the future of Rock Your Marriage and Rock Your Family, Wilson sees an empty horizon that could be filled in a variety of ways. “It has unlimited potential. Who knows what it’s going to turn into? We’ll go wherever God wants to take it.” And wherever that is or whatever it turns into, Wilson is optimistic not just about the seminars’ success but also about the greater goals that drive the former rocker Dave and Ann Wilson as they minister through their church and beyond.
We had a couple tell us, ‘This literally saved our marriage In addition to their live events, the Wilsons also have an online version of both workshops which can be found at RockYourMarriage.com, giving them the possibility of expanding their reach even farther, in ways they may not have anticipated.
“This is a wonderful way to take Jesus to them instead of sitting in our steeples and hope they come to us. Because that’s what Jesus did. Most non-Christian or unchurched people aren’t going to go to the church for help. They’ll go nowhere or to their buddy. But when the church comes to them and gives them something that makes sense, then a bridge has been built to lead them to the Author of marriage.” Rock on.
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A BRAND NEW VIDEO SERIES ABOUT H AVING G REAT SEX!
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