Mundine’s spot on www.firstnationstelegraph.com
We cannot spend weeks on sorry business
Dillon said ‘For those holding a romanticised view of Aboriginal culture, Mundine’s (pictured above with wife Elizabeth) words are unpleasant because they burst their precious myth’. Image: weeklytimesnow.com.au
by Dr Anthony Dillon 26 May 2014
I
t seems that there is no end to opportunities today for people to take offence, claim they are damaged or traumatised, and/ or make someone else responsible for their suffering. When someone claims “You’ve offended me” they are in effect saying “You’ve upset me. You’ve hurt my feelings and you are responsible”. And they are also saying, “I am no longer responsible for me; you are.” When we make others responsible for our emotions we disempower ourselves.
Marian Scrymgour (pictured above) attacked Warren Mundine as being ignorant and offensive for his views on Aboriginal people taking time out for sorry business. Image: crikey.com
I am going to suggest that taking offence is far too often a ploy to silence those we disagree with. By silencing our opponents, we don’t have to listen to words we are uncomfortable with. Consider the response from the man (and it could just as easily be a woman) when his partner accuses him of infidelity: “Well I’m shocked. I’m offended”. With such a response, he is hoping that his partner will back off and make no more accusations. Of course, if he is innocent (or a good liar who wants to be seen as innocent), a better response would be, when spoken calmly, “I am surprised that you think I would do
that, however ….” The response of “Well I’m shocked. I’m offended”, unless accompanied with a logical response to the accusation, is a sure sign that the man knows he has been caught out. Consider the recent example reported on ABC radio where Warren Mundine said “traditionally ceremonies like funerals did not last for weeks and cultural obligations should not be an excuse to avoid responsibilities to go to school or work”. For those holding a romanticised view of Aboriginal culture, Mundine’s words are unpleasant because they burst their precious
Page 1
www.firstnationstelegraph.com
myth. But this is an important topic that needs discussing, and I will do so shortly. In response to Mundine, former NT Indigenous Affairs Minister Marion Scymgour is reported to have said she was offended by Mundine’s words. Does she believe that traditional ceremonies like funerals did last for weeks, or that cultural obligations are a legitimate reason for not attending to the responsibilities of going to school or work? Why did she not express her point of view and point out what she believed were the errors in Mundine’s logic? I suspect Scymgour was uncomfortable with Mundine’s words, could not refute them, so it was easier to just say, “I’m offended”. Exchanges like this happen tens of thousands of times every day in this country. How does it start? In childhood. Children from a young age learn that if they sulk or pout (the child version of being ‘offended’), others will give in and give them what they want. Of course the wise parent has learnt that regular doses of vitamin N (saying the word “No”) is healthy for children. When faced with sulking, the wise and loving parent says with a smile, “Darling, make yourself as miserable as you want, you are not getting your own way. I’m in control here”. However, most children (master manipulators) have learnt how to control at least some of those around them, and subsequently get rewarded. And behaviour rewarded is behaviour reinforced. These children grow up using the same logic, but in a more sophisticated form. As adults, claiming offence is a quick way to get what they want. And what is it that they want when confronted with some words that
may prove embarrassing? Silence from those they disagree with. And if they don’t get silence, they could pull out the big guns and say “I’m traumatised”. If that fails it is an easy matter to raise the ante and start attacking your opponent with lies, put downs, etc. We could have more useful discussions on important topics if people learnt the following: • Welcome disagreements or debate • Maintain respect • Acknowledge when you are wrong, or at least that your argument needs some work • Take responsibility for your own emotions • Base your happiness on your opinion or you (secure self-esteem) and not other people’s opinion of you • Play the ball, not the man Now, back to cultural obligations, responsibilities, etc. We live in the 21st Century in one of the best countries of the world where there is a set of rules to play by, following which will maximise your changes of gaining success in this country. Many people, both Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal, have found such success to varying degrees by following these rules. As great as Australia is, it is a tough competitive world out there. Tough though it may be, if we are tougher on ourselves, we will be fine. And by ‘tougher on ourselves’, I mean sometimes taking the road less travelled and not the path of least resistance. This means ensuring kids are in school and adults are job ready and appropriately skilled and qualified. If we are to do this, we cannot afford to spend days and weeks attending to funerals, sorry business, ‘cultural obligations’,
etc., if it takes us away from school, university, TAFE, work etc. It takes, time, discipline and delaying immediate gratification, but it is worth it. Furthermore, was it ever the case in pre-colonisation times that the people would spend inordinate amounts of time with these ‘cultural activities’? It is very doubtful. Or if they did, you can be certain that it was well coordinated with duties carefully allocated to ensure that other necessary work was performed. Anyway, back to my main point. When disagreeing with someone, either decide to discuss why you disagree, or accept that it just may not be worth engaging in a discussion. If you feel the other party is not going to listen with an open mind, is only going to play the “I’m offended game”, it is sometimes better to walk away. There is an old saying, “When you argue with a fool, two fools are arguing”. Little is to be gained when your opponent’s main artillery is “I’m offended”. I am going to finish this piece with an extract from what I believe was my second opinion piece for FNT. I think it is worth repeating: “being in conflict with others is not a problem. Conflict can lead to solving problems and making life better or more enjoyable. It is negative conflict that is the problem. Negative conflict is simply where we lose respect for the person we disagree with. I am going to challenge you, the reader right now, and suggest a claim you may find blasphemous: we only lose respect for others after first losing respect for ourselves. Now if you disagree with that claim, I just ask that we agree to disagree at this point.”
Find out more Page 2