YOU’RE NOT ALONE let’s talk about bereavement
a scrapbook by Moira
ME... Who am I? I’m Moira and I’m suffering from depression. My brother died in a canoeing accident when I was 11. I felt that other children didn’t know what to say to me or how to act around me, neither did my parents, my teachers or family. I felt alone and lost.
My mum found out about a local children’s charity called Nelson’s Journey and I went on a retreat weekend which was a great way to remember my brother and helped me to deal with my emotions at the time. I’m now 24 and after 13 years of trying different counselling styles at different organisations I’ve been diagnosed with depression. Maybe my depression stemmed from the lack of support I felt as a child growing into a young teenager. Maybe it came through the stress it put upon my family. Or maybe it’s something in my genes that came through because of a series of unfortunate events.
With the help of Fixers, I wanted to create this booklet to help other young adults who have had a bereavement at a young age like me, because as I got older, I struggled more and more to function in every day society. Especially once I became too old for charities like Nelson’s Journey to support me.
I want you to know that YOU are not alone and that we can all come together and support each other. If we share our different experiences of bereavement, we will become stronger people.
I want to encourage you to explore your bereavement either with supportive and understanding people or on your own in a safe environment. I want the stories in this booklet to reassure you that you are not alone and I hope that the activities provide you with helpful ways to express how you feel.
SAMMY
In November 2009 my Nan sadly lost her battle against lung cancer which had spread to her brain. After she passed I was really upset and I couldn’t handle anything to do with her. She was like a second mum to me. I was still at school when she passed and my grades started going down and I started shutting myself off from the world and not concentrating on anything. It became so bad that I lost contact with all my friends and started hanging around on my own thinking about her and that she had left me alone on this earth. It felt like I was in a black hole and I couldn’t get out of it. That was when I got in contact with a children’s charity and I spoke to one of the bereavement support workers and went to camp and got to learn that if I think about her I could also think about the good times we had with each other. I also got to meet other people who have suffered bereavement like me and learnt about their journey through bereavement. Nelson’s journey has really helped me and my family. For sure if I hadn’t gone to Nelson’s Journey I might not be here today.
EZRA
My name is Ezra. When I was six my older sister Sasha died. I was lucky that I had a supportive family to help me through losing my sister. Even so it has been a very hard journey. In 2011 I had moved up to high school, and my brother (who was Sasha’s twin) had moved away to university. I felt very lonely and really missed them both. My mum had heard about a children’s bereavement charity through her line of work and referred me. I had one to one sessions with a worker from Nelson’s Journey where I talked about my bereavement, and then I went on a weekend camp. There were lots of therapeutic activities and it was wonderful to meet other people who had experienced similar feelings and emotions. This really helped me remember my sister in a special way and I wish there was something similar for older teenagers.
CHARLOTTE
I’m Charlotte and I was diagnosed with depression nearly two years ago. My Dad died when I was 15. He was a severely depressed alcoholic. At the time, I felt the support I received was great. Teachers at school gave me the opportunity for a time out if I needed it, friends took me out and kept me busy to keep my mind off things and one friend in particular, who was going through something similar, became my lifeline. Now, ten years on and looking back, what I really needed was to talk and this was something I was never given the opportunity to do. Yes, I got to talk about how great I thought my Dad had been, I spoke about how much I missed him... especially the old him, before the alcohol. But I was never given the opportunity to talk about the things I really needed to; the anger, the guilt, the utter heartbreak and how lost and confused I was. It was only last year that I began to talk about these things...
It was the tenth anniversary of my Dad’s death recently and it is only in the last six months that I have been truly able to talk about the anger and the guilt that have been eating away at me. Not because I haven’t wanted to, but because there was no one there to listen. In the last four years or so, I have tried a number of different counselling services and styles and it wasn’t until six months ago that I found the one that worked for me. I have been able to talk openly and honestly and I think I am now starting to heal. I know that my Dad was depressed... I know now because I see the same sadness, hopelessness and loneliness in myself. Perhaps my depression is in some way genetic; a hereditary way of dealing with things. I don’t know. But what I do know is that so much of my unhappiness and inability to cope stems from my not being able to talk when my Dad died. In the ten years since losing my Dad, I have also lost an Uncle and two Grandfathers, one of whom was the closest thing I had to a real Dad for a lot of my life. I had become afraid to talk about my feelings, afraid that they are out of proportion and that talking about them will affect others too much. So I have kept things to myself and bottled them up to be strong for other people. I recently heard something which rings very true for me... “Depression is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of having been too strong for too long.” I think that is absolutely true, not just for me but for many others I know who are also struggling with depression. It’s ok to be strong, for yourself and for others, but everyone needs help and it’s ok to admit that. Nothing you feel is irrelevent or stupid or any other negatives that you might try to tell yourself. We need to allow ourselves to feel, to help us to come to terms with our loss and our grief. And above all, we need to TALK. Not everyone will want to listen, but there will be people who do, and that is when you will start to heal.
LIFE WITHOUT YOU by Lorna Vyse
I really just cannot believe it The words that they told me today What do they actually mean? That you’ve died and have gone away. Quite simply it just doesn’t seem real Soon I hope you will step in that door My heart is breaking and won’t heal Saying goodbye to someone I adore. But then almost before I realise, Time without you has passed by The hurt and the pain I have still rises And sometimes I feel the need to cry But there are times I just smile and beam As I remember pure love and your warmth I close my eyes and allow myself to dream I think about the moments we shared And try to remember and never forget The laughs, the jokes and times you cared Photographs capturing days we met. Life without you will never be the same But I want to remember you and be proud I no longer want to feel just hurt and pain I simply want to shout ‘I love you’ out loud.
JAM JAR Find an empty jar... gather some coloured sands... add one colour to the bottom of the jar...
and then another colour....
and then another colour.... and keep going until you have a stripy jar full!
Filling an empty jam jar with different coloured sands is something I found really therapeutic... These sands represent memories, thoughts and emotions connected to the person you have lost and can be a lovely process as well as something pretty to keep.
LITTLE BOOK OF CALM I have found it really useful to keep a book where I can write down my thoughts. This could be anything from the way I am feeling at that moment to the things I want to focus on and achieve. But one thing that I think is a really good exercise is to collect positive quotes and to write them down... if you ever hear one that you like, jot it down in your book and look back at them when you need a bit of a lift.
Why not start right now? Get together in a small group and think of some inspirational quotes and memories that you can write down and look back on. Jot them down right over there and when that’s full, start your own book. Tips for having a good day: * * * *
Catch up with some friends Read a good book Look through photos of the person you’ve lost Treat yourself to a new DVD
MEMORY BOX Find yourself a cardboard box with a lid, something like a shoebox would do nicely...
...then decorate the box so that it’s personal to you. You could use photos or drawings or a combination of the two!
Inside this box, you can keep all sorts of things that remind you of the person that you have lost. This could be photos, letters, possessions, etc. and they can be kept safe in a place where you can look at them whenever you like.
PAPER BOATS Why not try making some paper boats? You can write messages on them and then sail them off down the river!
*and don’t worry, regular paper is biodegradable so it won’t harm the environment.
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Thanks to www.patchofpuddles.co.uk
to think about to the thinkfuture about the future to feel younger than years to feelyour younger than your years
to cry to cry
to feel sad to feel sad
to have unwanted thoughts to have unwanted thoughts to show your to emotions show your to talk about the emotions person you miss to feel older than to talk about the to feel lonely person you miss yourolder years to feel than to feel lonely your years
It’s ok... ok... It’s
to remember to remember
to think of yourself to think of yourself not to live in the not to past live in the past
to feel nothing to feel nothing
to laugh to laugh
to have a nice time to have a nice time to tell people how feel how to tellyou people you feel
to have unwanted thoughts to feel empty
to feel isolated and alone
to overthink things to feel the need to be nurtured
to feel guilty sometimes
It’s normal... to be scared of the unknown to worry that something else bad might happen to let your emotions show
to feel angry to worry to feel anxious to feel like you can’t cope
Book suggestion: ‘Motherless Daughters’ by Hope Edelman Special Thanks to Emily Willgrass and everyone else who has helped me to make this booklet a success. If you need some support or someone to talk to, try contacting one of the organisations below or speak with your GP... www.cruse.org.uk www.nelsonsjourney.co.uk www.samaritans.org