help me, rhonda ,&(, ,&)( ,&)) ,&)* Advice for Life’s Persistent Questions Too Young? Too Old? I am a high school senior (in Massachusetts), but headed for college on a scholarship. My problem is a guy who’s smart, sexy and great for me except for one thing—he’s my soccer coach. Just to be clear, he’s not my first boyfriend, and he pushed me away until after I turned 18. He’s not that much older than me! My parents have a similar age difference (and they think he’s great). He really cares about me, but he’s worried about losing his job. What can we say to people who are going to judge based on numbers alone? May how unhappy it appears the relationship was, some things linger. The marriage may be over well before the divorce is final, but the rocky emotional part isn’t. If you’re dating someone who’s still going through the paperwork of ending a marriage, he’s also going through some of the emotional work of getting out of the marriage. And it’s hard to speed that emotional work up, no matter how unhappy the relationship was and no matter how ready he seems to date. Something emotional happens on the day the divorce becomes final. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve watched it happen a few times, and it’s not excitement or elation. It’s closer to melancholy. Now, if you’re just looking to date, meet people and have fun, then yes, go ahead and date someone who is just getting divorced. You’re not doing anything wrong. But if you’re looking for a serious relationship, look for someone who is ready to begin one. It sounds like the people you are most worried about are the people who employ your boyfriend/coach. His employer will be less concerned with the age difference and more concerned with the fact that he (most likely) violated a school or league policy prohibiting romantic relationships between coaches or teachers and players. And I’m not sure there’s anything you can say to that. As you say, he is in fact dating you, My current job is good in so many ways. I make enough money (I’m actually comfortable, not struggling, for the first and your current relationship seems to have sprung from your player/coach relationship. It’s hard to get around those facts. time in my life); I like my colleagues, and, on paper, I’m supposed to be doing the kind of work that I love. The day to day Since it’s a question of school policy rather than age difference, the people above him won’t be swayed by your argument reality of it different, though. A lot of my time gets swallowed that your parents have a similar age difference and that differup by administrative BS and low-level management stuff. It’s an ence is kind of small anyway. Waiting until extraordinarily maddening type of BS, and you turned 18 doesn’t seem to get around it cuts into the time I should be spendthe rules, either. So, I think his job is ing doing the work I was hired to do. I’d definitely in jeopardy, and he will have to like to make a move to another job where determine his tolerance for that risk. I could focus more on actually doing the work I love. None of the openings I’ve seen People other than his employer don’t in this area have been quite right for me, really care about the age difference, though. I’m willing to take on a longer either. What they will react to is the power differential. Romantic relationships commute, but I really love Athens and want to continue living here. Should I just resign are relationships between peers, but when myself to staying in my current job? Wait you met your coach, he wasn’t your peer. for the perfect position to open up? Some He was in a position of authority which days I get so frustrated I tell myself I’m skewed the dynamic of your relationship. going to quit tomorrow, but, of course, I You may not have recognized that at the can’t do that. time, but he did, and that’s why he didn’t Torn pursue you. In talking to friends or other people Right now, Torn, you should stay who are critical of your relationship, I in your current job, but you shouldn’t think the only compelling thing you’ll resign yourself to staying in that job, be able to say is that your parents know unchanged, forever. You’re in the strongest about it and are OK with it (if that is, in possible position to search for a new job: fact, true). Usually, you’re the person who Please send your questions to You already have one that you like well makes decisions about your relationship, advice@flagpole.com or enough; you’re making enough money, and but you just turned 18, so your parents there seem to be openings in your field in have a role in this. flagpole.com/getadvice the area. Keep a few things in mind while Unsolicited, I will ask you this: You’re you look. No job description exactly capabout to head to college on a scholartures the day-to-day work of the job. If a description doesn’t ship. Do you want to be tethered to a relationship at home? seem like a perfect fit but is in the ballpark, apply for it anyHe might not be in high school, but he’s still your high school way. The interview process will be you learning about the posiboyfriend. Is that something you want to take to college? tion as much as the employer learning about you. If a listing does seem to describe the perfect job for you, by all means apply, but know that there are probably aspects I’m a woman in my early 30s, and I’ve never been married. of that job that you won’t love. So don’t be disappointed when I date a lot, and I would like to get married, eventually, when you learn about them, and keep this in mind when you’re I meet the right person. Lately, I think because of my age, a waiting for the “perfect” listing. Even the perfect job will be lot of the people I’ve met and would be interested in dating are imperfect, so give all the ones that are close enough a chance. divorced. My question: Is it OK to date someone who is sepaDon’t worry about wasting your time or the interviewer’s. rated and getting a divorce if the divorce isn’t final yet? Going through the application and interview process as much Looking as possible will be valuable for both of you. It will give you a clearer picture of what’s out there, what you want and what Morally, you mean? A qualified yes. In many cases, by the you don’t want. And, very, very importantly, it will get your time people are divorcing, the relationship has been over for name out there. People in the same field know each other. a long time. And I don’t mean that in a way that justifies They mention names to each other. Once people in your field cheating; I mean that by the time many people divorce they know you’re looking, they’ll pass your name to other people. have been living actual separate lives in separate residences (See also: meeting people and dating.) Then, when a great with separate finances, arguing over the division of assets for position that matches your strengths and preferences (which a while. If that’s the case, or if he’s proceeding with a divorce people will know about because they’ve interviewed and gotten and waiting for the 30 days to elapse, then you’re not doing to know you), your name will pop up. You know how that apple anything wrong by dating him. fell on Newton’s head? That only happened because he was sitNow, should you? If you’re looking for a serious relationship ting near an apple tree. You need to position yourself near the that could lead to marriage, I’d advise caution in dating someorchard so some apples might fall nearby. Or into your lap. one who’s just gotten out (or is getting out) of his marriage. No matter how over the relationship seems to be, no matter Rhonda advice@flagpole.com Good, Better, Best Lee Gatlin Single Enough? 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