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COLORBEARER OF ATHENS RIDING THE WAVE INTO THE NEW YEAR

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DECEMBER 29, 2021 · VOL. 35 · NO. 52 · FREE & JANUARY 5, 2022

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The collaborative public art sculpture “Origins,” by David Hale, Peter McCarron and David Harrison, has been installed at the ACC Cooperative Extension Office (275 Cleveland Road). A dedication event is planned for 11 a.m. Jan. 8, 2022, including a ribbon cutting, meet-andgreet with the artists and youth activities. For more information, visit athensculturalaffairs.org.

City Dope . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 NEWS: City Dope . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

This Modern World . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

2021 in Review

Live Music Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

THE CALENDAR: Live Music . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Bulletin Board . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

Your Two-Week Forecast

Art Around Town . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

SPECIAL SECTION: Slackpole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13

EXCEPTIONAL CARE FOR EXCEPTIONAL PETS

Classifieds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

Flagpole Readers Fill the Pages

Adopt Me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

SPECIAL SECTION: Slackpole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18

Sudoku . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

Comic by Arrow Ruskin Callahan

Crossword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

COVER ART from the 2021 Flagpole covers

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feature

2021 in Review IT WAS THE BEST OF YEARS, IT WAS THE WORST OF YEARS

By Blake Aued news@flagpole.com

... just listen WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29TH

WEDNESJAYS WITH JAY GONZALEZ

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30TH

ONE TON TOMATO (LATIN JAZZ)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31ST

CLOSING AT 12PM SATURDAY, JANUARY 1ST

CLOSED

H A PP Y NE W Y E A R AT HEN S G A!!

G O DAWG S!!

ATHENS’ INTIMATE LIVE MUSIC VENUE

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Enjoy Slackpole, our 2 week issue covering events from Dec. 29th–Jan 11th

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2021 started out with such promise. its own Superior Court and prosecutor’s COVID-19 vaccines were rolling out, and office. That didn’t stop state Rep. Houston in January runoffs Georgia elected two Gaines (R-Athens) from continuing to look Democrats to the U.S. Senate, offering hope for another circuit for Oconee to join, and for a return to normalcy after a year of to pledge legislation that would rein in proquarantine and the cruelty and chaos of the gressive DAs like Gonzalez.

Trump administration.

Homelessness was on the rise, too, It wasn’t to be. Georgia may have sent creating another crisis for the commission Sens. Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock to to deal with. When railroad company CSX Washington, but the one-vote majority announced it would clear out a local homedidn’t hold together for long. And it turned out that a good 40% of Georgians would rather subject themselves to hospitalization and death than allow themselves to be injected with microchips or critical race theory or whatever Tucker Carlson told them was in the vaccines.

Still, by the time summer rolled around, COVID had nearly been eradicated in Athens, and all the events that had been canceled in the spring were rescheduled for the fall. Bars and restaurants reopened, and the music scene started to come back to life. Combined with a football season where the Dawgs were expected to be national title contenders, it promised to be a bumpin’ autumn.

Then the students came back to town, and they brought Delta with them. Driven by the new variant, a Pandemic? What pandemic? third wave of COVID swept over the city, forcing AthFest to be canceled yet again. But, of course, football continued less camp, commissioners scrambled to find on with a stadium full of fans as if nothing a place for its residents to go. With reduced was happening, while the Board of Regents capacity due to the pandemic, shelters were continued to insist that professors hold full, so they voted to set up a sanctioned in-person classes while refusing to require campground on ACC property off of Barber masks or vaccinations.

Street. What was originally envisioned as Further angering faculty, the Board a bare-bones place to set up a tent without of Regents also weakened tenure, giving fear of being run off the property morphed administrators more power to fire profesinto a $2.5 million project serving meals, sors. The move drew a strong rebuke from offering case management and with 24/7 the American Association of University security. The cost of an eviction prevention Professors and, given the conservative furor program that will pay landlords a portion over CRT and general political climate, had of back rent in exchange for letting tenants any number of UGA faculty members polstay in their homes also ballooned to $2.5 ishing their resumes. million. Luckily for local taxpayers, Uncle Meanwhile, an uptick in gang violence Sam picked up the tab. The county used a turned into a crisis by late fall, with a portion of the $60 million it received from shooting in Athens roughly every other the federal American Rescue Plan Act to day, according to Police Chief Cleveland fund the programs.

Spruill. The chief feuded publicly with a task The tale of Linnentown gained national force appointed by Mayor Kelly Girtz to set attention this year, with stories in the up a civilian oversight committee, as well Atlanta Journal-Constitution and on NBC as Athens-Clarke County Commissioner News, among other news outlets, and even Mariah Parker, who wanted to pull funda segment during an ESPN football broading for a regional drug task force. The cast. In February, Girtz formally apologized police oversight committee was eventually for the city’s role in seizing Black-owned approved, as was the drug task force grant. homes off Baxter Street in the late 1960s Newly elected District Attorney Deborah to make way for UGA dormitories. The Gonzalez had some difficulties finding commission approved a resolution promisher footing, with high staff turnover and ing recognition of the razed neighborhood a couple of headline-grabbing snafus, but and reparations in the form of affordable she followed through on her promises to housing, economic development and pubstop prosecuting juveniles as adults, never lic transportation. UGA President Jere seek the death penalty and to drop minor Morehead, however, continues to deny that drug charges. This enraged voters in Oconee the university had any responsibility for County, which shares a judicial circuit with Linnentown’s destruction and has offered Clarke, who wanted out of the Western former residents nothing beyond an exhibit Circuit. A state study found that Oconee in the Special Collections Library.

County’s caseload was too small to justify Another Black landmark, the West Broad

FLAGPOLE.COM | DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022

School, remains in limbo after the Board of Education voted against Superintendent Xernona Thomas’ plan for an early learning center on the site. Thomas had recommended that two of three historic school buildings be torn down, with one historic building renovated and one new one built.

In response, the Georgia Trust for Historic Preservation put the long-vacant school on its 2021 “Places in Peril” list. In addition, Thomas announced that she intends to retire at the end of next year.

Despite the pandemic and an uncertain economy, Athens continued to grow. The 2020 Census found that Athens’ population had risen from 115,000 to 127,000 over the past decade. UGA’s enrollment is up, too, hitting 40,000 for the first time this fall. The growth came at a price: Local rents skyrocketed 17% in 2021, according LEE SHEARER

news

to the website Apartment List, with the median rent for a one-bedroom apartment approaching $1,000 a month.

A spate of new construction could ease the housing crunch, though. The Mark is expanding into Potterytown between downtown and the river, Bethel Midtown Village off College Avenue is being redeveloped with twice as many below-market units, and huge apartment complexes with thousands of bedrooms combined are planned or under construction on Tallassee Road, Lexington Road and U.S. Highway 29 near the Kroger. A recently announced film and television studio off Athena Drive is likely to bring further growth to East and North Athens. More development is coming downtown, too, with a senior living facility and office space planned as part of the Classic Center’s new arena behind the Multimodal Center, and construction expected to start next year on a new courthouse nearby.

Next year is unlikely to bring a respite from the pandemic—not if Omicron has anything to say about it—nor from voter fatigue. Mayor Kelly Girtz and odd-numbered commissioners are up for re-election in May. That ballot will also feature a 1% sales tax for transportation and, for Republicans, Gov. Brian Kemp’s showdown with former Sen. David Perdue. The winner will face Stacey Abrams in what promises to be one of the most closely watched (and most expensive) races in the country, rivaled by Warnock’s re-election bid against whoever emerges from the Republican primary—most likely Herschel Walker. Yep, 2022 is going to step on our faces with a hobnail boot. f

live music calendar Tuesday 28

Normal Bar Chrimbo Limbo Limbo Contest.

8 p.m. $5. www.facebook.com/ normal.bar.7 JOCK GANG Harsh art-rock burying subtle pop melodies in cascades of noise.

INCEST TWINS New Athens-based two-piece outfit.

Rabbit Hole Studios 7–10 p.m. FREE! www.rabbithole studios.org OPEN MIC Featuring spoken word, performance art, comedy, singer-songwriters and more. Sign-ups are first come, first served. Hosted

by Peyton Covfefe.

(doors). $7 (adv.). www.40watt. com HAYRIDE Long-running local three-piece rock band led by guitarist Kevin Sweeney.

THE GUIDESTONES Local rootsrock.

The Foundry Annual Holiday Bash. 7 p.m. (doors), 8 p.m. (show). www.facebook.com/RandallBramblettDec30 RANDALL BRAMBLETT BAND This established Georgia singer-songwriter’s Southern-tinged music pulls from a variety of influences.

Hendershot’s Coffee Time TBA. www.hendershotsathens. com ONE TON TOMATO An eclectic

PERPETUAL GROOVE This local group has long stirred crowds into a frenzy with its exciting jams and spirited cover tunes.

International Grill & Bar New Year’s Eve Party. 8 p.m. $20. www.facebook.com/IGBAthensGA THE SPLITZ BAND This band’s wide range encompasses Motown, funk, disco and both old-school and contemporary R&B. The band’s sets will begin at 9 p.m., 10:30 p.m. and 12 a.m.

DJ FAUST Keeping the party going in between sets.

Nowhere Bar 9:30 p.m. www.facebook.com/ NowhereBarAthens DANGFLY Local all-star rock band led by songwriter and guitarist

JUGG TY Independent hip-hop artist celebrates the release of his new album, JUGG LINGOOO. DJ HOLLYWOOD Atlanta-based DJ.

Monday 3 Flicker Theatre & Bar 8 p.m. (doors). $7. www.flicker theatreandbar.com COOKIE TONGUE Theatrical freak folk musical menagerie with puppetry, animation and butoh-inspired dance inspired by mythology, fairytales and ghost stories.

TURTLE GRENADE Folksy, newto-town “music to cry in a meadow to” for fans of Neutral Milk Hotel

Thursday 6

Athentic Brewing Co. 6 p.m. www.athenticbrewing.com WHISKEY & WINE Nashvillebased country music duo made up of Garrett Collier and Kali Mees.

Buvez Volumes Presents Poetry & Storytelling. 7:30 p.m. $5. www. facebook.com/buvezathens DK Athens-based artist weaving lyrically driven truths together with Lo-fi beats.

TREXX THE TYRANT Local storytelling hip-hop artist with smooth flows.

GRANDFATH3ER Spoken word influenced artist speaking from

DINNER TIME Five-piece Atlanta band fusing genres of indie pop, nu-funk, slacker garage rock and psychedelic music.

TELEMARKET Driving, angular indie-rock band from Athens.

Friday 7 40 Watt Club 8 p.m. (doors), 9 p.m. (show). $10. www.40watt.com BROASIS Tribute band performing tracks from Definitely Maybe and (What’s the Story) Morning Glory.

COLDPLAYAS Tribute band performing A Rush of Blood to the Head.

Saturday 8 International Grill & Bar 7:30 p.m. www.facebook.com/ IGBAthensGA ASHLEY LAUREN Performer influenced by both old and new country.

The Warehouse Athens Phi Beta Sigma Presents Blue Light Special. 10 p.m. $7. www.thewarehouseathens.com DJ SLIM B Rising hip-hop artist from Atlanta.

Wednesday 12

Cookie Tongue performs at Flicker Theatre and Bar on Monday, Jan. 3.

Southern Brewing Co., Monroe 7 p.m. www.sobrewco.com FUNKY BLUESTER Blues outfit inspired by traditional Chicago and Texas styles.

Wednesday 29 Flicker Theatre & Bar 9 p.m. FREE! www.flickertheatre andbar.com DR. FRED’S KARAOKE Featuring a large assortment of pop, rock, indie and more.

Hendershot’s Coffee Wednesjays with Jay Gonzalez. 8 p.m. www.hendershotsathens.com JAY GONZALEZ Drive-By Truckers member creates summery, bright piano pop melodies.

Porterhouse Grill 6–9 p.m. www.porterhouseathens. com/jazz JAZZ NIGHT Enjoy standards, improv and originals by a live jazz trio every Wednesday night over dinner.

Thursday 30 40 Watt Club The Hayride Holiday Special. 8 p.m.

blend of Salsa, Mambo and Latin Jazz.

Friday 31 40 Watt Club New Year’s Eve Party. 8 p.m. (doors). $31 (adv.). www.40watt. com KISHI BASHI Acclaimed local songwriter and violinist creates exuberant, loop-driven, experimental pop music.

Buvez New Years Eve Dance Party. 9 p.m. $10. www.facebook.com/ buvezathens JOSEY Local artist who plays keyboard-based pop.

Flicker Theatre & Bar 9 p.m. (doors). $10. www.flicker theatreandbar.com THE PINK STONES Rootsy local country-rock group led by songwriter Hunter Pinkston.

MARY MARGARET COZART Local songstress of Common Currents.

WINSTON BARBE Guitarist (of God Killer) playing original pop rock songs.

Georgia Theatre 9 p.m. (doors), 10 p.m. (show). $28.50–$35. www.georgiatheatre. com

Adam Payne.

FIVE EIGHT Legendary Athens band known for its boisterous, thoughtful rock and roll.

The Roadhouse 10 p.m. www.facebook.com/Road houseDive MURDER THE MOOD Special tribute set covering My Chemical Romance.

BLINK FLOYD Tried and true Blink 182 covers.

PHANTOM DAN Dan Lacasse of That’s Rad! performs hits from the ‘90s.

VFW (Post 2872) 8 p.m. www.owlcreekband.com OWL CREEK BAND Covering country favorites as well as five decades of hits.

The Warehouse Athens NYE Party. 7 p.m. (doors). $10–15. www.thewarehouseathens.com MASKED BEATZ EDM DJ duo based in Atlanta. Stick around for a money balloon drop at midnight to ring in the new year.

Saturday 1 Genesis New Year’s Day Celebration. 9 p.m. (doors). www.facebook.com/ venomevents

and Kimya Dawson. Music video premiere!

PSYCHEDELEA Gentle, folksy dream pop melodies built through live looping.

Wednesday 5 Flicker Theatre & Bar 9 p.m. FREE! www.flickertheatre andbar.com DR. FRED’S KARAOKE Featuring a large assortment of pop, rock, indie and more.

Hendershot’s Coffee 7–10 p.m. www.hendershotsathens. com OPEN MIC NIGHT Lizzy Farrell hosts an open mic the first Wednesday of every month. Signups go live on Mondays at noon on the Hendershot’s Open Mic Facebook page.

Porterhouse Grill 6–9 p.m. www.porterhouseathens. com/jazz JAZZ NIGHT Enjoy standards, improv and originals by a live jazz trio every Wednesday night over dinner.

the soul.

BOYFRND Local R&B duo.

Flicker Theatre & Bar 8 p.m. (doors). $10. www.flicker theatreandbar.com FUTURE CRIB Band performing indie pop jangle rock songs.

40 Watt Club Drive-By Truckers Homecoming. 8 p.m. (doors), 9 p.m. (show. SOLD OUT! www.40watt.com DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS The Southern rock superstars return to Athens for their annual Homecoming series.

JAY GONZALEZ AND THE GUILTY PLEASURES Athens songwriter and multi-instrumentalist with an affinity for classic pop melodies.

Flicker Theatre & Bar 9 p.m. FREE! www.flickertheatre andbar.com DR. FRED’S KARAOKE Featuring a large assortment of pop, rock, indie and more.

Porterhouse Grill 6–9 p.m. www.porterhouseathens. com/jazz JAZZ NIGHT Enjoy a live jazz trio every Wednesday night over dinner.

Pandemic Protocols 40 Watt Club: proof of vaccination or negative COVID test within 72 hours; masks indoors Athentic Brewing Co.: masks indoors Buvez: masks indoors Flicker Theatre & Bar: proof of vaccination or negative COVID test within 48 hours; masks indoors The Foundry: masks encouraged Genesis: masks encouraged Georgia Theatre/Rooftop: proof of vaccination or negative COVID test within 72 hours; masks indoors Hendershot’s Coffee: proof of vaccination or negative COVID test within 48 hours International Grill and Bar: masks encouraged Normal Bar: masks indoors Nowhere Bar: proof of vaccination or negative COVID test within 48 hours Porterhouse Grill: masks encouraged Rabbit Hole Studios: masks encouraged The Roadhouse: masks encouraged Southern Brewing Co.: masks indoors VFW: masks indoors The Warehouse: no protocols

DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022 | FLAGPOLE.COM

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bulletin board Deadline for getting listed in Bulletin Board is every THURSDAY at 5 p.m. for the print issue that comes out the following Wednesday. Online listings are updated daily. Email calendar@flagpole.com.

Art ATHENS CREATIVE DIRECTORY (Athens, GA) The ACD is a platform to connect creatives with patrons.

Visual artists, musicians, actors, writers and other creatives are encouraged to create a free listing. athenscreatives@gmail.com, athenscreatives.directory ATHICA’S BUY THE BUILDING CAMPAIGN (Athens Institute for Contemporary Art) In celebration of its 20th anniversary, ATHICA is hoping to purchase its current facility. Donations are tax-deductible and offer incentives. www.go fundme.com/f/athica-20th-birthday CALL FOR ART (Oconee Cultural Arts Foundation: OCAF) “Reinvented & Reclaimed: A Recycled Art Exhibition” seeks wearable art made from “trash” and recycled materials such as plastic bags, newspaper, soda cans, bottle tops and foil. Deadline Feb. 28. Fashion showcase held on Global Recycling Day, Mar. 18. www.ocaf.com CALL FOR MUSIC (Oconee Cultural Arts Foundation: OCAF) “Rhythm & Movement: The Art of Music” will showcase musicians from Northeast Georgia performing in jazz, blues, country, bluegrass, classical, rock and roll, and experimental. Selected applicants will be featured in the exhibition and perform live at Rocket Field in downtown Watkinsville. Deadline Jan. 3. $15. buff.ly/ 3nC3RW2 COMMERCE FOLK TO FINE ARTS FESTIVAL (Commerce Civic Center) Seeking regional artists for the 10th annual festival. Deadline to apply is Feb. 15. Event held Mar. 4, 3–8 p.m. Mar. 5, 9 a.m.–7 p.m.

706-335-6417, folktofinearts@ commercega.org, www.folk-fine arts.com

47TH JURIED EXHIBITION (Lyndon House Arts Center) The 2022 exhibition will accept online submissions Jan. 6–21. The exhibition opens Mar. 3 and is juried by Miranda Lash of the Museum of Contemporary Art Denver. www. accgov.com/lyndonhouse JOKERJOKERTV CALL FOR ARTISTS (Online) JOKERJOKERtv is open to ideas and actively accepting proposals for collaboration from visual/musical/video artists and curators living in Athens. Artists worldwide can also submit music videos, short films, skits and ideas to share with a weekly livestream audience. www.jokerjokertv.com/ submit MATERIAL ALCHEMY (Athens Institute for Contemporary Art: ATHICA) Seeking applications for “Material Alchemy: Metal and Color,” an exhibition of works informed by metal and its collaboration with color. Deadline Jan. 15. Pay-whatyou-will entry fee. Exhibition runs April–May. athica.org OPEN STUDIOS (Lyndon House Arts Center) Studio members have access to spaces for painting, printmaking, photography, ceramics, jewelry, fiber and woodworking.

Tuesdays through Saturdays, 10 a.m.–6 p.m. $65/month. accgov. com/lyndonhouse QUARTERLY ARTIST GRANTS (Athens, GA) The Athens Area Arts Council offers quarterly grants of $500 to local organizations, artists and events that connect the arts to the community in meaningful and sustainable ways. Deadline Mar. 15. www.athensarts.org/grants

Auditions THE SUGAR BEAN SISTERS (Memorial Park, Quinn Hall) Athens

art around town ACC LIBRARY (2025 Baxter St.) Lisa Freeman brings to light the mystery of the forgotten through “Furthermore,” an exhibition of assemblage art constructed from found objects and photographs. Through Jan. 2.

ARTWALL@INDIGO (500 College Ave.) “All of Nothing” considers the intersection of natural and industrial beauty through the works of Alexa Rivera, Christina Matacotta and Zahria Cook.

ATHENS INSTITUTE FOR CONTEMPORARY ART: ATHICA (675 Pulaski St.) “Duo: Kelly Boehmer and Mark Mcleod.” Through Jan. 16.

AURUM STUDIOS (125 E. Clayton St.) The Athens Plein Air Painters present a collection of framed pastels inspired by nature.

CLASSIC CENTER (300 N. Thomas St.) “Hello, Welcome!” presents abstract worlds by Maggie Davis, Jonah Cordy, Carol MacAllister and Jason Matherly. • “Classic City” interprets the city of Athens, GA through the works of James Burns, Sydney Shores, Thompson Sewell and Allison Ward.

COMMUNITY (260 N. Jackson St.) A collection of paintings by Andy Cherewick.

CREATURE COMFORTS BREWING CO. (271 W. Hancock Ave.) René Shoemaker presents “The Doors of Athens,” a series of paintings on silk identifying local businesses by their main entrances. The exhibition is accompanied by a silk screened poster featuring 16 unique Athens businesses. Through Feb. 28.

FLICKER THEATRE & BAR (263 W. Washington St.) Jay Domingo presents an exhibition inspired by the monsters of Dungeons & Dragons. Through December. • Artwork by Esther Carrillo. Through January.

GEORGIA MUSEUM OF ART (90 Carlton St.) “Inside Look: Selected Acquisitions from the Georgia Museum of Art” features previously unseen

6

Creative Theatre hosts auditions for The Sugar Bean Sisters, a Southern Gothic comedy of romance, murder and alien abduction. Auditions consist of cold readings from the script. Auditions are held Jan. 10–11. Contact to schedule an audition time. 706-613-3628, act@accgov.com TITANIC THE MUSICAL (Athens, GA) Athens Creative Theatre seeks instrumentalists and vocalists for a concert production. Seats are available with no audition required, or participants can audition for leading roles and prominent vocal solos.

Rehearsals take place starting in January, with performances following in March. act@accgov.com, accgovga.myrec.com

Classes ACTING FOR CAMERA AND STAGE (work.shop) Learn how to act with professional actor and coach Jayson Warner Smith (“The Walking Dead,” “The Vampire Diaries,” “Outer Banks”). Mondays, 10 a.m.–1 p.m. $400/12 sessions. jwsclassinquiry@jaysonsmith.com, www.jaysonsmith.com/teacher CHAIR YOGA (Sangha Yoga Studio) This class is helpful for flexibility, strength, balance and increasing circulation and energy. All levels welcome. Every Thursday, 12–1 p.m. $16 (drop-in), $72 (six weeks). 706-613-1143 CHAIR YOGA AND MINDFULNESS (Winterville Center for Community and Culture) Nicole Bechill teaches a well-rounded, gentle and accessible chair yoga class to promote breathing, mindfulness and inward listening. Every Monday, 9 a.m. $10. www.wintervillecenter.com CLAY CLASSES (Good Dirt) Registration opens on the 15th of every

month for the following month’s classes and workshop. Classes range from wheel, unique handles, hand building sculpture and more.

Studio membership is included in class price. www.gooddirt.net COMMUNITY MEDITATION (Rabbit Hole Studios) Jasey Jones leads a guided meditation suitable for all levels that incorporates music, gentle movement and silence. Wednesdays, 6–7 p.m. jaseyjones@gmail. com DEDICATED MINDFULNESS PRACTITIONERS (Online) Weekly Zoom meditations are offered every Saturday at 8:30–9:30 a.m. Email for details. richardshoe@gmail.com INTRO TO IMPROV COMEDY (work. shop) Learn the fundamentals of improv comedy such as making offers, creating interesting scenes, joining the scene, cultivating spontaneity and following your intuition.

Jan. 16–Feb. 20, 5:30–7:30 p.m. $150. www.flyingsquidcomedy. com/classes OPEN IMPROV WORKSHOP (work. shop) Enjoy a fun, low-stakes workshop introducing the basic concepts of improv comedy. Participants will learn improv fundamentals and play introductory games. No experience necessary. Jan. 2, 5:30–7:30 p.m. $20 (suggested donation). www. flyingsquidcomedy.com/classes MINDFULNESS PRACTICE EVENINGS (Online) Discuss and practice how to change your relationship with difficult thoughts and emotions. Email for the Zoom link.

Second Friday of the month, 6–7 p.m. FREE! mfhealy@bellsouth.net PAINTING CLASSES (Private Studio on Athens Eastside) One-on-one or small group adult classes are offered in acrylic and watercolor painting. Choose day workshops, ongoing weekly classes or feedback sessions. laurenadamsartist@ icloud.com SPANISH CLASSES (Athens, GA) For adults, couples and children.

Learn from experts with years of professional experience. Contact for details. 706-372-4349, marina

works from the museum’s collection of over 18,000 objects. Through Jan. 30. • “Collective Impressions: Modern Native American Printmakers.”

Through Jan. 30. • “In Dialogue: Views of Empire: Grand and Humble” displays two print collections that create a conversation about what it meant to be a working-class citizen in mid-19th-century Russia. Through Aug. 21. • “Jennifer Steinkamp: The Technologies of Nature.” Through Aug. 21.

GLASSCUBE@INDIGO (500 College Ave.) Zane Cochran presents “Aurora,” a sculptural interpretation of the aurora borealis using 3D geometric figures and lights.

THE GRIT (199 Prince Ave.) The Grit presents a display of works created by staff members. Through Jan. 1.

HEIRLOOM CAFE (815 N. Chase St.) Susan Pelham’s collages are influenced by magic realism, nursery rhymes, haiku, limericks and children’s camp songs. Artist reception Feb. 15, 5:30–6:30 p.m. On view Dec. 31–Feb. 28.

JITTERY JOE’S DOWNTOWN (297 E. Broad St.) Tom Hancock’s mixed media works combine acrylic painting, drawing and found objects. Through December.

LYNDON HOUSE ARTS CENTER (211 Hoyt St.) AJ Aremu presents a largescale installation for “Window Works,” a site-specific series that utilizes the building’s front entrance windows for outdoor art viewing. • George Davison presents “Chants/Chance: Tincture, Totem & Charms,” a collection of whimsical assemblages. Through Jan. 1. • “Figure Ground” explores positive space versus negative space, or figure versus ground, through the artworks of Kevin Cole, William Downs, Phil Jasen, Susan Nees, Terry Rowlett, Kate Windley and Sunkoo Yuh. Through Jan. 15. • Curated by Kendall Rogers, “Curation of Self Image” includes works by Parawita Stamm, Anjali Howlett, Lauren Schuster, Monsie Troncosco, Emmie Harvard and Alan Barrett. Through Jan. 15. • “Follow Like Friend” investigates issues surrounding social media through the works of Alyssa Davis, Kimberly Riner

FLAGPOLE.COM | DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022

bilbao75@gmail.com, www.marina-spain-2020.squarespace.com YOGA CLASSES (Revolution Therapy and Yoga) “Yoga Flow and Restore with Nicole Bechill” is held Thursdays at 5:30 p.m. Online classes include “Trauma Conscious Yoga with Crystal” Thursdays at 6 p.m. and “Yoga for Wellbeing with Nicole Bechill” on Saturdays at 10:45 a.m. Visit website to register. www.revolutiontherapyandyoga.com ZOOM YOGA (Online) Rev. Elizabeth Alder offers “Off the Floor Yoga” (chair and standing) on Mondays at 1:30 p.m. and “Easy on the Mat” yoga classes on Thursdays at 5:30 p.m. Ongoing classes are $5/class or $18/month. 706-612-8077, ommmever@yahoo.com

Events ART DEDICATIONS (265 and 275 Cleveland Rd.) A dedication for Aaron Hussey’s “Hero’s Path” sculpture at Fire Station #2 will be held Jan. 8 at 10 a.m. “Origins,” a collaborative sculpture by David Hale, Peter McCarron and David Harrison, is located next door at the ACC Cooperative Extension Office.

A dedication event with a ribbon cutting, meet and greet with the artists and youth activities will be held Jan. 8 at 11 a.m. www.athens culturalaffairs.org ART EVENTS (Georgia Museum of Art) “Tour at Two” is held Dec. 29 and Jan. 5 at 2 p.m. “Curator Talk: Prints by Sophie Taeuber-Arp” is held Jan. 12 at 2 p.m. “Creative Aging Seated Yoga” is held Jan. 13 at 10:30 a.m. “Family Day: Views of Empire” is held Jan. 15 at 10 a.m.

“Toddler Tuesday: Circles, Rectangles and Squares, Oh My!” is held Jan. 18 at 10 a.m. “Artful Conversation: Ricky Swallow” is held Jan. 19 at 2 p.m. “Artist Talk: Yatika Starr Fields” is held Jan. 20 at 5:30 p.m.

“Teen Studio: Geometric & Modern” is held Jan. 20 at 5:30 p.m.

“Yoga in the Galleries” is held Jan. 20 at 6 p.m. “Morning Mindfulness” is held Jan. 21 at 9:30 a.m.

“Sunday Spotlight Tour” is held Jan. 23 at 3 p.m. “Zoom Artist Talk: Arthur Tress” is held Jan. 26 at 2 p.m. www.georgiamuseum.org ATHENS MLK DAY PARADE & MUSIC FEST (Hull and Washington streets) The Athens Anti-Discrimination Movement and

the United Group of Artists Music Association host the sixth annual parade. Vendors and participants can still register. Jan. 17, 3 p.m. www.athmlkparade.com ATHENS SHOWGIRL CABARET (Multiple Locations) Anyone new or experienced is invited to get on stage during Open Drag Night on Jan. 8 at 7:30 p.m. and Hendershot’s Coffee. Fabulous Friday will party like it’s 1999 with ’90s-themed routines on Jan. 28 at 10 p.m. at Sound Track Bar. www. athensshowgirlcabaret.com BEST OF ATLANTA COMEDY (Rialto Room) Laughing Skull Lounge and Aubrey Entertainment present Atlanta comedians Tevin, Greg Behrens, Katherine Blanford, David Perdue and Ali Hader. Jan. 6, 8 p.m. $15–75. bit.ly/AtlComedyJan6 BIKE NIGHT (Akademia Brewing Co.) Grab a beer with the Athens Litas Women’s Motorcycle Collective. All bikes and people are welcome. First Thursday of every month, 6–9 p.m. www.akademiabc.com COLORFUL HAT CIRCUS & VARIETY (Morton Theatre) This show features high-flying acrobatics, balancing, juggling, extreme jump rope, magic tricks and illusions.

Jan. 27–28, 7 p.m. Jan. 29, 6 p.m. www.colorfulhat.com DIGNOS Y SIN BARRERAS (Online) The Lyndon House Arts Center presents virtual artist and curator talks for the current exhibition “Dignos y Sin Barreras,” which was curated by Maria Elias and features works by Alondra Arévalo, Blanca Becerra and Jorge Rocha. Event in English on Jan. 20 at 6 p.m. Event in Spanish on Feb. 17 at 6 p.m. www.accgov.com/exhibits GEORGIA MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY CELEBRATION 2022 (Special Collections Building) The museum hosts a fundraising dinner with guest speaker Kirk Johnson, director of Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History, who will discuss “The Future of Natural History Museums.” Jan. 29, 5 p.m. gmnhfriends.org/friendsevents/2022-annual-celebration GORGEOUS GEORGE’S IMPROV LEAGUE (Buvez) Come out for some home-grown townie improv.

Bring some interesting suggestions and a loose funny bone to help create some improv magic on the spot. Every Wednesday night beginning Jan. 5, 6:30 p.m. (except

and Stephanie Sutton. Through Jan. 15. • Collections From Our Community presents Bill Raines’ collection of antique toy pond boats. Through Jan. 16. • Curated by Maria Elias as part of the Guest BIPOC Curator program, “Dignos y sin Barreras” (“Dignified and without Barriers”) explores identity, body issues and mental health through the works of Alondra Arévalo, Bianca Becerra, Jorge Rocha and Elias. Through Mar. 12.

MADISON-MORGAN CULTURAL CENTER (434 S. Main St., Madison) “MAG POPS!” is a group exhibition of artwork by members of the Madison Artists Guild. Through January.

OCONEE COUNTY LIBRARY (1080 Experiment Station Rd.) Artwork by Sam Watson. Through January.

UGA MAIN LIBRARY (320 S. Jackson St.) “Georgia Trailblazers: Honoring the 60th Anniversary of Desegregation at UGA” chronicles the historic events of 1961 when Hamilton Holmes and Charlene Hunter became the first African American students admitted to the university.

UGA SPECIAL COLLECTIONS LIBRARIES (300 S. Hull St.) The new Ted Turner Exhibition Hall and Gallery showcases CNN founder and environmentalist Ted Turner’s life and legacy through memorabilia, photographs and other items. • “Drinkable Water in Georgia” is an interactive exhibit tracing the geographic, environmental and political factors that surround the natural resource and how those issues have impacted Georgians. Through December. • “Not Only for Ourselves: The Integration of UGA Athletics” celebrates the 50th anniversary of integration of the Georgia Bulldogs football team. Through Spring 2022. • “At War With Nature: The Battle to Control Pests in Georgia’s Fields, Forests and Front Yards” includes 3D models of insects alongside newspaper articles, government documents and photos to take viewers through the entomological and horticultural wars that Georgians have waged in their own yards, as well as the environmental, ecological and public health concerns related to pests and eradication efforts. Through May 27.

Jan. 19, Jan. 26, Feb. 2). $5. www. tree-cycle! Drop off an undecorated painting, singing, games, yoga and flyingsquidcomedy.com/events tree to one of seven locations to more from 7:30–11 p.m. www.

LIFELONG LEARNING FAIR (River’s give it a second life as compost, rabbitholestudios.org Crossing) Learn about OLLI@ mulch or fish habitat. Receive UGA’s various shared interest a free seedling in return. Check groups, in-person and Zoom website for drop off locations. Jan. classes, lunch and learn series, and 8, 9 a.m.–1 p.m. www.keepathens ACTS DRIVE (Bogart Library) The other membership benefits. Jan. beautiful.org library is collecting clean coats 21, 1-3 p.m. 706-542-7715, www.

CASA TRAINING (Online) The next and blankets in good condition for olli.uga.edu training class runs Thursdays from all ages to help those in need this MARGO METAPHYSICAL EVENTS Mar. 17–Apr. 14, 10 a.m.–1:30 (Margo Metaphysical) Monday Tarot Readings offered 1–5 p.m. ($6 per card). Tuesday Tarot with Davita offered 4–6 p.m. ($5 per card). Wednesday Night Sound Healing with Joey held 6–7:30 p.m. ($35). Thursday Tarot with Courtney is offered 12–5 p.m. ($10–45). Friday Henna Party with Aiyanna ($10–75). 706-372-1462, jfurman65@gmail.com MLK DAY OF SERVICE (Multiple Locations) Honor the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. by making Jan. 17 “A Day On and Not a Day Off.” A kick-off celebration will be held at Clarke Central High School at 8:30 a.m. over 30 different community organizations and schools will host volunteer service projects.

Register to volunteer at www.accgov.com/mlkday REALLY, REALLY FREE MARKET (Reese & Pope Park) Just like a yard sale, but everything is free. Bring what you can, take what you need. Second Saturday of every month, 12–2 p.m. reallyreallyfreemarketathens @gmail.com RABBIT HOLE EVENTS (Rabbit Hole Studios) Acoustic Firepit Jams are held every Monday, 7–11 p.m. Athens Crypto Society meets Wednesdays at 9 p.m. Fake Zappa hosts Crazy Cowboy Night, an evening of redneck fashion, outlaw country and Collages by Susan Pelham are on view at Heirloom Cafe and Fresh Market Dec. poor taste with live music, 31–Feb. 28. comedy and more. First and third Thursdays, 7 p.m. winter. Drop off bagged items in the p.m. and 5:30–9 p.m. www.athens Rabbit Hole Business Networking foyer of the library through Jan. 15. oconeecasa.org Guild meets Fridays at 7 p.m. www.athenslibrary.org NEW THEATER (Bishop, GA) SeekWhite Rabbit Collective hosts a BRING ONE FOR THE CHIPPER ing volunteers interested in acting, drum circle every Sunday from 5–7 (Athens, GA) ‘Tis the season to staging and other elements of thep.m., followed by an afterparty with

Help Out

ater production to help form a new small theater in the Bishop area.

The group will meet in January to plan its first production. Contact Carol, 706-612-6934

Kidstuff BOGART LIBRARY EVENTS (Bogart Library) KnitLits for ages 16 and up meets every Thursday at 6 p.m.

“New Year’s Eve Eve-ning” with games, crafts and photos is held Dec. 30 at 5 p.m. www.athens library.org/bogart MAKING DANCES (work.shop) This alternative dance class teaches improvisation and choreography techniques. For ages 10–14. Taught

by Lisa Yaconelli. Tuesdays, 6:15– 7:30 p.m. $60/month, $210/14 weeks. lisayaconelli@gmail.com, www.lisayaconelli.com RIPPLE EFFECT FILM PROJECT CALL FOR FILMS (Athens, GA) Submit a short film interpreting this year’s theme is “Healthy Water, Healthy World.” Open to Pre-K through 12th grade filmmakers.

Deadline Jan. 15. www.rippleeffect filmproject.org TUTORING (Online) The Athens Regional Library System is now offering free, live online tutoring via tutor.com for students K-12, plus college students and adult learners.

Daily, 2–9 p.m. www.athenslibrary. org

Support Groups AL-ANON 12 STEP (Multiple Locations) Recovery for people affected by someone else’s drinking. Visit the website for a calendar of electronic meetings held throughout the week. www.ga-al-anon.org ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Athens, GA) If you think you have a problem with alcohol, call the AA hotline or visit the website for a schedule of meetings in Barrow, Clarke, Jackson and Oconee Counties. 706-389-4164, www. athensaa.org FAMILY CAREGIVER SUPPORT GROUP (ACC Library, Classroom A) Alzheimer’s Association Georgia presents a support group conducted by trained facilitators that is a safe place for those living with dementia and their caregiver to develop a

support system. First Wednesday of every month, 6–7:30 p.m. 706206-6163, www.alz.org/georgia LGBTQIA+ VIRTUAL ALPHABET FAMILY GATHERING (Online) This is a safe space for anyone on the LGBTQIA+/TGQNB spectrum.

Fourth Sunday of every month, 6–8 p.m. uuathensga.org/justice/ welcoming-congregation PARKINSON’S SUPPORT GROUP (First Baptist Church) This group is to encourage, support and share information with fellow sojourners who manage the challenges of Parkinson’s disease or other movement disorders. Second Friday of every month, 1 p.m. gpnoblet@ bellsouth.net RECOVERY DHARMA (Recovery Dharma) This peer-led support group offers a Buddhist-inspired path to recovery from any addiction.

Visit the website for details. Thursdays, 7 p.m. FREE! www.athens recoverydharma.org RESTORING RESILIENCE & MINDFUL LIVING (Heart Stone) “Restoring Resilience” is a five-week resource building psychotherapy group held for trauma survivors.

Held virtually Mondays, Feb. 7– Mar. 7, 6 p.m. (RSVP by Jan. 31) or in person Thursdays, Feb. 17–Mar. 17, 10:30 a.m. (RSVP by Feb. 10). $35 per group session. “Mindful Living” is a five-week psychotherapy group to build self-care and mindfulness practices. Thursdays, Jan. 13-Feb. 10, 10:30 a.m. $35/ session. (RSVP by Jan. 6). Brianna@HeartStoneTH.com SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS (Athens, GA) Athens Downtown SAA offers a message of hope to anyone who suffers from a compulsive sexual behavior. Contact for location. www.athensdowntownsaa.com

Word on the Street ATHENS ON ICE (The Classic Center) Ice skate on the largest rink in Northeast Georgia. Through Jan. 9. www.classiccenter.com THE CLOCKED IN CREATIVE PODCAST (Athens, GA) Hosted by Seth Hendershot, a new podcast called “The Clocked In Creative” will touch on entrepreneurship, business models, IP rights, branding, etc. for creatives. Episodes will feature Serra Jagger of Indie South,

Sanni Baumgartner of Community, Michelle Davis, Bertis Downs, Shil Patel of Tiger Bomb Promo, Rashe Malcolm of Rashe’s Cuisine and Nick Canada of Satisfactory. Check it out at @theclockedincreative on Instagram CORNHOLEATL WINTER LEAGUE REGISTRATION (Southern Brewing Co.) Different divisions of play accommodate all levels.

The seven-week season begins in January. Register by Jan. 3. info@ cornholeatl.com FREE COVID-19 VACCINES (Clarke County Health Department) Vaccines are available by appointment or walk-in. No insurance or ID required. www.publichealthisfor everyone.com OLLI MEMBERSHIP (Athens, GA) Join OLLI@UGA, a dynamic learning and social community for adults 50 and up that offers classes, shared interest groups, social activities and events. www.olli.uga.edu POP-UP PARK (Athens, GA) ACC Leisure Services has a new bus, decorated by Eli Saragoussi, that serves as a mobile recreation unit to take free activities and equipment to public community events, festivals and school programs. Request the bus online. www.accgov.com/9961/ Athens-Pop-Up-Park SUPPORT FOR SENIORS WITH PETS (Athens, GA) The Athens Area Humane Society and Athens Community Council on Aging have partnered to offer support services to seniors enrolled in ACCA programs. This includes emergency pet fostering, affordable wellness care, pet health workshops and pet training. www.accaging.org WINTER LEISURE ACTIVITIES (Athens, GA) ACC Leisure Services will offer a diverse selection of activities highlighting the arts, environmental science, recreation, sports and holiday events. Programs include tai chi, baton, youth cooking classes, gymnastics, nature programs, theater and more. Now registering. www.accgov.com/myrec WINTER WONDERLIGHTS (State Botanical Garden of Georgia) See the garden’s new Garden of Delights, Candy Cane Lane and Cone Tree Plaza, among other magical features, along a half mile trail.

Lighted displays are currently on view through Jan. 9. $15. wonder lights.uga.edu f

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All Georgians over the age of five are eligible to be vaccinated! Call 888-457-0186 or go to www. publichealthathens.com for more information.

VEHICLES

ADOPT ME! ACC Animal Animal Control Services 125 Buddy Christian Way, Athens 706-613-3540 Call for appointments.

Available animals can be seen online at Athenspets.net Athens Area Humane Society 1781 Mars Hill Rd., Watkinsville 706-769-9155 Due to reduced business hours, call if you are interested in adopting.

Available animals can be seen online at AthensHumaneSociety.com

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COVID testing in Athens available at 3500 Atlanta Hwy. Athens, GA 30606. (Old Fire Station in the corner of Atlanta Hwy. & Mitchell Bridge Rd. near Aldi and Publix.) Mon–Fri. 8:30 a.m.– 4:30 p.m. To register, call 844-625-6522 or go to www. publichealthathens.com Mobile Food Pantry @ General Time Athens! Athens Terrapin Beer Co. alongside Food Bank of Northeast Georgia and various local sponsors will host a drive-thru food pantry on the 3rd Monday of each month thru 2021.

All ACC residents that meet income requirements may attend. First come, first served. This event will take place outside rain or shine. 100 Newton Bridge Rd. 10 a.m.–12 p.m. www.terrapinbeer.com

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SUDOKU

Edited by Margie E. Burke

Difficulty: Medium

5 7

6 8 1 2 5

8

8 1 5 3

2 5

9 7

1 4 6 7 1 9 4 5

3 6

Copyright 2021 by The Puzzle Syndicate

HOW TO SOLVE:

Each row must contain the numbers 1 to 9; each column must contain the numbers 1 to 9; and each set of 3 by 3 boxes must contain Week of 12/27/21 - 1/2/22 the numbers 1 to 9.

The Weekly Crossword 1

2

3

4

5

14

15

17

18

20

6

5 33 3 37 6 41 8 7 45 9 2 53 4 59 1 62 65

8

7 9 8 4 2 1 5 54 6 3

4 1 2 5 3 6 7 55 8 9

2 34 6 7 9 8 5 49 3 1 4

327 4 1 742 6 2 8 9 5

10

11

12

13

30

31

32

57

58

19 22

21

26

9

16

23 Solution to Sudoku: 25

7

by Margie E. Burke

9 8 538 3 1 450 6 7 263

24

1 628 8 7 535 2 439 9 3 6 2 1 546 4 947 3 8 751 9 156 4 260 3 5 8 7 6

29 36 40 43

66

44 48 52

61 64 67

Copyright 2021 by The Puzzle Syndicate

ACROSS 1 Slimy garden 48 Caustic cleaner pest 49 Musher's 5 Midway, for one transport 10 Future branch 51 Literary device 14 Pool path 53 Died down 15 Part of U.S.N.A. 56 Place with rides 16 Make, as a salary 59 Surrender on 17 White House terms worker 61 Cantina fare 18 City on the 62 One's bearing Potomac 63 Stand-up guy 20 The Undertaker, 64 King of Siam's for one visitor 22 Unassuming 65 Metallica hit, 23 Have the throne "Nothing ___ 24 Tasting like Matters" venison 66 Campaign button 25 Woodshop tool word 27 Word with 67 Tobacco pipe "heavy" or part "precious" 29 Obey, with "by" DOWN 33 Remnants 1 Picnic dish 35 Whodunit 2 Animal shelter revelation 3 Submerged 37 Tim of "Rob Roy" 4 Migratory birds 38 Hopping mad 5 Painkiller 40 Gasoline brand 6 Scout's quest 41 _____ Cup, in 7 Burt Reynolds yachting comedy, 43 Lavish buffet "Starting ____" 45 Louvre locale 8 Cal. airport 46 Matter of debate 9 Alpaca kin

10 Toy since 1902 11 "Silver" or "soft" ending 12 Novelist Johansen 13 Buzzing pest 19 Itinerant sort 21 It waits for no one 24 Eat too much 25 Subway handhold 26 Coffee quality 28 Store up 30 Not germane 31 Waste away 32 Cut into 34 Killer car of film 36 Bring back to life 39 Sneak attack 42 Speck in the sea 44 Working stiff 47 TV interference 50 Draw forth 52 Gyro shells 53 Wile E. Coyote's mail-order house 54 Leave, slangily 55 Clumsy fellows 56 Showed up 57 Teen affliction 58 Rich soil 60 Texter's chuckle

Puzzle answers are available at www.flagpole.com/puzzles

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slackpole Written and Illustrated by Our Readers S

lackpole is always a great way to celebrate the passionate and talented writers, photographers, artists and poets in the community, while also giving our staff a chance to take a week off each year to enjoy the holidays and recharge.

Thank you to all our Flagpole readers for your submissions and help in creating this annual issue.

We’ll be back with the first Flagpole of the new year on Jan. 12.

Smart, Fearless and Strong

By Catherine L. Early in 2020 I wrote a piece that appeared in Flagpole entitled “Fear, Guilt and Confusion.” It was in response to a request for work representing our feelings and experiences as we all began navigating the new world we found ourselves in due to a virus we didn’t know much about at the time, but have now felt with something akin to an emotional and physical tsunami.

The piece involved emotions vacillating between trepidation and hope, willingness and preparedness. Secretly fearing the worst, but always hoping for the best. Trying to read as much as we could from reliable sources in order to gain the knowledge necessary to fight the virus which was turning against us, and ultimately turning us against each other. What do you believe? Who do you believe?

There wasn’t much we could do for a long time except protect ourselves. We covered up. We stayed away. It helped a lot of us; unfortunately, not all of us. We lost a lot of people. A lot. Too, too many. Some died no matter what they did, and some died because they did nothing. Some died because others did nothing. Fighting each other didn’t help.

Not one bit. “It” didn’t care what your political views were.

What helped, got us through, was perseverance: Those who wore (and are still wearing) face coverings to protect themselves from getting sick, and just as importantly, preventing getting others sick. Those who got vaccinated because it was the right thing to do for all concerned, not just themselves. Those who helped, risking their own lives, treating anyone who got sick. Who administered medicines, treatments, held hands and mourned when the time came like they’d lost one of their own. “It” didn’t care what you looked like.

Maybe if we closed our eyes and thought of the person we live next door to, work alongside of, stand behind in line at a store as one of our own, maybe it would open our eyes so we can see that what’s good for us is also good for them. The greater good gives us all strength, makes a stronger world in which to fight pandemics, natural disasters, hatred and sorrow.

No one can say what the future will bring, but if there

is no other lesson learned from these recent trying times, surely it’s true that united we’ll stand, and divided we’ll fall.

Rate Yourself in Regard to Your Humanity

By Kathryn Kyker Walking into the farmer’s market, I saw a tent with posters asking for volunteers to “complete a survey and get a book.” I figured it was some kind of college student project.

Curious, I dawdled a moment too long. A man stepped out of the shade, caught my eye as he walked towards me. Then I saw the other poster: “Spiritual Survey.” I was not looking for a spiritual encounter.

The man was confident but courteous. He explained that this was a spiritual survey and part of a global project to better understand the spiritual beliefs of people all over the world.

He had a list of questions, including about my faith background and belief in an afterlife. I played my “Get-OutOf-Spiritual-Awkwardness-Free” card and told him I’m an agnostic. He asked for details.

Later, we came to this question: “Rate yourself (in regard to your humanity) on a scale of 1–10 with 10 being perfect.”

I have never rated myself as a human before, but immediately assigned myself a seven. I wondered if that was a typical response, or the reflex of a poser seven. I bet most of us believe we are better than average, which isn’t statistically possible.

I defend my better-than-average rating based on my choice to be a social worker. Although I have spent my life in jobs that are expressly about helping others, “I have not done so with a pure heart,” goes a phrase in the Confession of Sins, part of my “faith background.” I was paid to help people.

“I have not loved my neighbor as myself,” continues the confession. I flick off my helper mode as though it’s a cabbie light—when I clock out each day that light goes off. You want my help? Wait ‘til my light is back on.

Though I manage mostly to be a helpful, friendly sort of person, I don’t go much out of my way for a stranger. Still, I rated myself as a seven.

We moved on to the next question: “If you were at the gates of heaven, what would you say to try to get in?”

My reply, “I wasn’t perfect, but I did try, and I did care.”

With all respect to the paving crew on the road to hell, I still believe that efforts and intentions count for something as long as they’re sincere and not limited to couch potato philosophizing.

Yet I feel guilty. I know I am not all I could be in regard to my humanity. I wonder if the surveyors expected these answers to inspire guilt to motivate church attendance? But my guilt isn’t limited to mankind—it extends to the entire Earth. Where’s the church for that? Where’s the absolution for “what we have done and for what we have left undone”?

When this happened, I was still a social worker. I wondered if once I retired I would feel a stronger compulsion to help people—when I’m no longer paid to care, will I care more?

One year into retirement, the jury’s still out. I catch myself doing small things in secret, as if I’m that off-duty cabbie picking up hitchhikers in her own car: Is that being a good human or is it just a habit?

The survey ended, and the man told me that I gave exceptional answers and was generous with my time. He told me about their church and invited me to attend.

He did not offer a book, and I did not ask… what would a real seven do?

Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Works to Keep It Green

By Iota Psi Omega Chapter Taking care of our planet and seeing the beauty that it possesses is not often something most people consider. There are many organizations like The Nature Conservancy that have programs and goals to plant billions of trees, yet there are few organizations that focus on outdoor enhancement and beautification. The Iota Psi Omega Chapter of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. (AKA) endeavored to tackle both issues. There is a major forest restoration effort with the goal of planting a billion trees across the planet. Trees provide so many benefits to our everyday lives: They filter clean air, provide fresh drinking water, help curb climate change and create homes for thousands of species of plants and animals. Planting trees can help save the Earth from deforestation.

With the pandemic encouraging more outdoor activities alongside the national childhood obesity platform outlined by former First Lady Michelle Obama, it is crucial that we ➤ continued on next page

DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022 | FLAGPOLE.COM

13

slackpole

continued from p. 13

make outdoor spaces conducive to outdoor fun and comfort. School beautification is a great way to bring schools and communities together. The outdoor area is the first impression for the students, and in today’s society, they need to see all that is beautiful—in nature and in people.

As men push on, the Earth is set aside, Revenge is coming with nowhere to hide.

One Nation Under God

By Eddie Whitlock At Republican Party Headquarters, January 2028 “Well, whose idea was it?”

“I bet it was those darned kids on Tic-Tac.” At Democratic Party Headquarters, January 2028 “Well, whose idea was it?”

“I don’t know, but whoever it was is a freaking genius.”

The Global Impact Target of the Iota Psi Omega Chapter recently participated in a campaign to plant trees in seven counties and, in collaboration with The Arts! Target, was able to clean up and enhance the outdoor garden space at Gaines Elementary School. The Natchez crepe myrtles were donated to Colham Ferry Elementary School (Oconee County), CBJ Preschool (Greene County), Morgan County Primary School (Morgan County), Jim Moran Memorial Boys & Girls Club (Jackson County), Orr Park (Stephens County), Gaines Elementary School (Clarke County) and Bowman City Hall (Elbert County). This campaign/initiative supports the programmatic goals of enhancing the international footprint of the sorority, decreasing our carbon footprint and enhancing art enrichment and visuals. Target V: Global Impact Chairperson Sandra Aker and Target IV: The Arts! Chairperson Tionya Lawrence led the efforts.

AKA is an international service organization that was founded on the campus of Howard University in Washington, D.C. in 1908. It is the oldest Greek-lettered organization established by African-American college-educated women. For more information about AKA, please visit aka1908.com.

Earth

By Yoyi Xie The animals roam and the grasses grow, There are forests full of trees and meadows.

Then come the men, axes and fire, Leaving only ruins at their desire.

The flowing blood of Earth, once pure and blue, Permanently stained, an ugly tattoo.

The wavy hair of Earth, once green and lush, Slashed and burned, humanity’s ruinous touch.

Cities, towns and men spread like a disease, Destroying all habitats as they please.

Factories and cars, spewing their black smoke, In their smog, the great Earth can only choke.

14

PA home. His parents had been Jewish hippies named Mary and Joseph. He was single, had no criminal record and enjoyed hacky sack. The day after the inauguration, Jesus was on every Sunday morning news show, thanking His supporters and blessing people left and right.

At Democratic Party Headquarters, February 2029 “Well. They broke, but I think we’ve destroyed it.”

At Republican Party Headquarters, February 2029 “You realize we’re going to have to assassinate Jesus.”

Fitzgerald, GA’s Big-Ass Chicken

By Alys Willman

Said the mayor, after the hardware store closed downtown, Why don’t we build a big-ass chicken?

The plan was to build a 58-foot tall topiary sculpture of vines and flowers bigger than the 56-foot one in Marietta, but he saw on the Internet there was a Mickey Mouse in Dubai that was 59 feet so he said Screw it, we’re going to 62, declared it’d be finished by the March chicken festival.

Our Story The idea of putting Jesus Christ at the top of the Republican presidential ticket would have never seen the light of day 12 years ago.

Someone—no one was sure where it started—decided to collect signatures in Alabama to get Jesus on the All this to honor the birds, brought from Burma 2028 ballot. State GOP party leaders because someone thought they’d be fun to hunt. immediately endorsed Jesus for But they are lean birds, not like yard chickens, the Republican Party, calling him “a taste like rubber. favorite Son.” Those birds went wild in Fitzgerald, roosting in the pines.

As Alabama goes, so goes the Folks came from two towns over Republican nation. Other states’ to take their picture, feed them bits of biscuit outside the diner.

GOP executive committees likewise Now you can’t hunt them, or even chase after them. endorsed Jesus. Evangelist Pat Injuring the birds is a city misdemeanor.

Robertson, who had turned 98 earlier in the year, said that Jesus would The mayor had them put up the scaffolding next to the Harveys’ parking lot. return on Inauguration Day and take Then they set up a chicken cam office. so people around the world could watch them build the big-ass chicken.

Democrats crossed over and voted That was November, 2019. If you go to the website now, for Jesus in droves during the priyou’ll see that scaffolding, naked against the South Georgia sky. maries, but their interference wasn’t Still no chicken. necessary. By April, the “serious” Every now and then a plastic bag from the Harveys floats across the screen. candidates were dropping like flies on Every now and then one of those wild, lean birds struts by.

Mike Pence’s head.

The question arose, what if He wins?

By May, Mike Pompeo was the only other candidate. He assured the few people who showed up for his appearances that “Jesus will always be welcome in the Pompeo White House.”

The Democrats decided to lay low for the primary seaBy Bowen Craig son. Besides the variety of far-from-center candidates who always ran, no one was seriously opposing a second term Not to pile on the landfill of bizarreosity that is modern for Kamala Harris.

American life, but I just noticed something (else) incredibly The Democratic Party Convention was held in New Orleans in August. Harris and Vice President Pete Buttigieg disturbing—most news has become E! entertainment celebrity gossip. If you break down the headlines now, about half were nominated for a second term. Both were careful to of them are essentially gossip. make absolutely no reference to their likely opponent in Part One of these headlines generally goes something November. like: Pompeo challenged the selection of Jesus Christ in “Politician of one party says something snide about polithe New York Republican Primary and lost his case in the tician of different party.”

State Superior Court. Because of the urgency of the matter, “NFL linebacker tweets something strange about his love SCOTUS was called into special session for the matter. of local honey. Coach reacts strongly.”

Of course, the court accepted Christ, 6-3. Jesus was the “Your mother is a terrible, evil, horrible person. We Republican Party nominee. should imprison her immediately because of her recent The election on Nov. 7 drew a large turnout, though it Facebook posts.” was not record-setting. In a repeat of the 2016 split, Jesus Part Two is where they subdivide it into: defeated Harris in the Electoral College, 306–232. “…different party. Democrats up in arms.” (mainly The Harris Administration would end at noon Jan. 20. figuratively) If there was no president present, the speaker of the House OR would assume the duties as acting president. “…different party. Republicans up in arms.” (possibly litSpeaker Mike Rogers, an Alabama Republican and erally—it’s a better armed party.) staunch Baptist, announced his plans to work closely with AND “President Christ.” “…Coach reacts strongly. He hates local honey.

Democrats were left scratching their heads. No one Democrats up in arms.” had seen this outcome. James Carville called it “the most OR f**ked-up version of A Miracle on 34th Street anybody could imagine.” “…Coach reacts strongly. He hates local honey.

On Jan. 20, 2029, a man whose legal name was “Jesus Republicans up in arms.”

Christ” arrived in Washington, DC. He brought a sack of We’ll leave your mother out of this section. She’s clearly mail sent to him—by name, of course—at his Bethlehem, evil. Everyone knows that.

FLAGPOLE.COM | DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022

When Did Everything Become Celebrity Gossip?

When did ALL news become gossip? It must work, at and was only vaguely aware of this phenomenon until last there are the people I may only see once—like patients least as clickbait, if not as information, since it is in no way month. It was one of those pleasant afternoons that follow discharged from Piedmont who are making their way elseactual information. Politics have always had some of this, a crisp morning, so she decided to open the windows and where. They explain the smattering of ECG leads that I find but now MOST of the political news headlines I see are storm door because the house was cool and it was warmer occasionally when I walk my dog. some form of gossip. Sports, I expect better from outside than in. A voice from the sidewalk carried you. Sports, you’re supposed to be a refuge. I’m not into the house which said, “Once you see it, you saying that professional athletes all need to be Tom can’t unsee it.” The voice belonged to one of two Bradyesque mannequins who mumble a bunch of walkers staring at our house. words while managing to say absolutely nothing Several times a day, I traverse the sidewalk.

By Steve Piazza and express no strong opinions whatsoever. They’re Always with my once morbidly obese and currently Americans. They’ve got the right to free speech like geriatric hound-ish dog, whose immortality is my for the wholesome aroma of morning cinnamon, or any palpable spice anybody else. mission as a vet student. I’ve viewed my house in please press 1 This issue falls mainly on the heads of jourall four seasons and in every light at an arthritic nalists (with a carved-out exception for Flagpole dog’s pace, and I’ve never seen it. Just the other for the reassuring sound of the swaying ocean, or whatever calms you reporters, of course), and even more firmly on the week, I watched someone slow down, and a phone please press 2 heads of the corporate honchos who are gobbling was thrust out the car window and into the rain to up most news outlets… in order to not report the take a picture. So, seeing it is at least worth smartif you want to leave a message news. (Once again, Flagpole is an exception. And phone water damage. please listen I’m not just saying this so you’ll run the article.

Maybe it’s a face in the brick pattern; that was Well, not entirely.) my first thought since people are good at disif you need to talk to someone Journalists have a lot of power to set the narcerning faces in inanimate objects. Maybe even a please chat rative. They can immortalize events, sayings, attispecific face, like a Jesus face. But if that were the tudes. It’s even more important than ever, in this case, I think I would’ve heard about it by now. Or to get what you want strange journalistic era, that America’s reporters my house could be a doppelgänger to some house please enter compromise stay on their game and ignore the temptation to in a movie I’ve never seen, especially since I haven’t slide into celebrity gossip… other than your mothseen most movies. Although, I did just go to Ciné if you can’t accept someone’s differences er’s Facebook posts, of course. twice in the last few weeks. Maybe it’s not even the please enter empathy Like most self-imposed holes that we’ve dug for house, maybe it’s something about the trees above ourselves, this one has an easy fix. Stop reporting the house. The sweet gum in the back is visible if you have anything you value this nonsense. Yes, it really is that simple. Let the from the front, and there’s a maple of some sort please enter share politicians talk their smack. Let the athletes tweet growing in the front yard, plus the mimosa that their nonsense. And get your mother off Facebook. started as a weed but was kept by my landlord. if you feel as if you cannot breathe That isn’t helping anyone.

There are no bird nests in any of them. please take a breath I could ask someone who seems to see it when they go by, but I’m not confident I have the social if you need to know who you are prowess for that to yield a smooth exchange. please press star Maybe I’d rather figure it out myself, stubbornly, if I can. Anyway, it looks like it’ll rain soon so there if you can’t decide between yin or yang

By John Smith isn’t much sidewalk traffic. Plus, I have to study. yang or yin Mostly, I study here in the sunroom. It was a if you’re feeling you need some love carport, but like many houses in Normaltown, it someone will be with you shortly was converted into a living space at some point. It floods with the winter rains, but it has great light for everything else

By John Gaither year-round, so as I said, I like to study here. please hold I’ve come to appreciate it as a vantage point I went over to see a friend of mine, Andrew, not too for the comings and goings of King Avenue. Many long ago. He had some new plants to show me. passersby are now familiar, and some are more “Merry Christmas,” I said. interesting than others. Like that one man and the little Over time, I’ve noticed that the eyes of some passersby “This is a dangerous time of year,” he said. “The seasons girl who, when they walk by, consistently appear to be deep linger on my house. And as my own casual glances at sideare changing.” in intellectual conversation. I’m not sure where they live walk traffic have accumulated, I’ve caught people stopping We went outside. It was sunny, and the wind was strong. though, unlike some of the people I recognize as neighbors on the sidewalk to look back. Not directly at myself, but “Check this out,” he said. “I merged a tobacco plant and on King Ave. There are a myriad of regular runners and seemingly in the general direction of the roof. ➤ continued on next page cyclists, like the cargo bike woman with the braids. Then My partner doesn’t spend much time in the sunroom

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slackpole

continued from p. 15

an oak tree. I don’t know whether to call it tobacc-oak or oak-bacco.”

Sure enough, there was an oak tree a couple of yards high with tobacco leaves coming out of it.

“It’s not a graft, it’s more like a merge. One plant just invades and takes over another. It’s like one crystallizes inside the other. It only takes a minute, and it’s done.”

“It’s only possible to do this because it’s near the solstice and the full moon—the time of greatest carnality. Nature is tied up into everything, especially now. The reason it’s so windy today is because of reaction to the unfair redistricting plan.”

He stopped to roll an oak-bacco cigarette.

“Nature has emotional needs at this time of year,” he said, “just like us. Everything is changing, and our emotions are changing, too. That’s why the ancients had human and animal sacrifices at the solstice. When people witness suffering and death, it generates a lot of emotion, and it helps the bioenergy field adjust to the change. Better that way than to let nature make its own suffering. Sacrifice gives the whole community a sense of peace and harmony.

“You can merge a plant and an animal, too,” he said.

“Look at this tree.”

It was shaped in a strange way, with four small trunks coming out of the ground and merging into a big trunk, with branches and leaves all over it.

“That’s my dog. I merged him with a tree, a possumhaw, Ilex decidua.”

Up close, I could see the outlines of a head covered with bark, with knot holes for eyes, a knob for the snout and a deep cleft for the mouth. I could see teeth inside the mouth.

“The bones and teeth stay pretty much the same. The wood’s more flexible, though. He can move some. Scratch his head.”

I felt bad about what he had done to his dog. It wasn’t right. I rubbed the bark around his head, and the long branch at the tail end started to wag slowly, back and forth.

Andrew came closer, and the wind picked up, the gusts growling in the trees overhead. The mouth of the dog-tree began to drip sap.

“Yeah, he’s kind of slavering.”

The wind rose to a snarl, and the tree bent forward in a lunge, closing the jaws on Andrew’s hand. The more he pulled to get free, the harder the wind blew, until he screamed and yanked it out, all bloody and smeared with sap.

He looked surprised and raised his arms over his head.

He never moved again. I watched his skin get dry and rough and crinkled like the bark of a tree. Branches and leaves began to sprout. His face merged with the curve of the trunk, with knot holes for eyes, a bump for a nose and a deep crease for a mouth.

Some things don’t change. People do need to get together and share emotions and sacrifice—that’s the Christmas spirit.

They look good now, decorated with little red berries against the green leaves, like a family dressed up for Christmas.

Everytime I think about them, I get a sense of peace and harmony.

Don’t You Love (Him) Madly?

By Natalie Sadler “He’s just a bunny.”

I’ve gotten that answer from a lot of people when I talk about my furry creature. To be fair, I love ALL furry/feathered/scaled/hairless animals. Unfortunately, if your pet isn’t a cat or dog, they’re taken less seriously by pet retailers, some veterinarians and the general public.

Animals like Morrison are treated like “expendable pets.”

I’ve spoken to many people who assume rabbits have a short lifespan of only a year or two. They’re advertised as “animals that belong in cages” by most chain pet stores.

16

That’s so far from the truth—my lionhead rabbit, Morrison, is living proof of that.

Rabbits are smart. Really smart.

Morrison is a three-year-old ball of energy. He’s completely litterbox trained. I can’t remember how long it took him to learn, but it was probably under a month or so. He knows where he goes!

He also knows his schedule to a T. My little monster will literally jump onto my bed at 7 a.m. and lick me awake to get his breakfast.

He sings for his supper—or his salad, or his breakfast or for the various “nanner” (aka banana) slices he gets for treats.

If his meals aren’t on time? My little Karen will tell me all about it. In “bunny language,” their feet-thumping is the equivalent of a certain four-letter word.

Relics

By Kathryn Kyker In the orange hat you hate I sit on the beach of broken trees bordered by rubble of a road that drove too close to the sea. Today’s victims of water’s whimsy are jellyfish baked on dry sand. Death: past, present, and future, as the eyes of so many birds track my every move. You ask if I am afraid as you leave me here alone. “Something in the human psyche loves a ruin.” In the final poses struck by twisted limbs reaching, gasping for soil not sand, water not salt, and in the crumble of man made stones in the surf, I find strange comfort, and I am not afraid: “The only thing to come now is the sea.” (last line from Sylvia Plath’s “Blackberrying,” earlier quote unknown, possibly Coleman Barks)

Ben Kweller’s Pants

By Sean Hribal It’s up to me if I decide to be what I think is right.

— Ben Kweller

He isn’t always a “can I speak to your manager” brat. In fact, he’s one of the cuddliest, most loving and loyal animals that I’ve ever owned.

I grew up with a crazy, Cujo-esque corgi named Kramer.

I loved that dog like a brother (maybe because I’m that weirdo, only child). But I could probably count the number of times that he licked me—he wasn’t very affectionate.

Morrison? He probably gives me upwards of 500 daily kisses. When he wants a “grooming session,” he takes it seriously. These sessions are how rabbits communicate with each other, and are even how they establish social dominance.

Morrison is 10/10 the boss of me, I’m just his mom. But I’m his mom who loves him to the moon and back.

This summer, Morrison gave me one of the biggest scares of my life. Without going too far into the medical details, he had an emergency GI stasis episode caused by spurs on his molar teeth. He wasn’t eating or pooping at all.

Rabbits have extremely delicate digestive systems, and if they go for more than eight hours without consuming food and passing stool… well, it can be fatal.

He was hospitalized at an emergency vet hospital for five days. It was a terrifying and gut-wrenching time for me (pun unintended). I can’t imagine how Morrison felt, sick and suddenly stuck with IV tubes, far away from home.

I’ve had Morrison since 2018. I got him from a family friend during my sophomore year of college, which was a rough time mentally and emotionally. I took him in without thinking much about it. Little did I know that the tiny, fivemonth-old furball would become my closest companion.

My little fighter pulled through this summer, and all’s well that ends well! He’s got a long lifespan ahead of him.

If rabbits are properly taken care of, they can live up to 10 years or more. Maybe Morrison will make it to 27, like his namesake—who knows!

All I know is that he’s not “just a bunny.” He’s my very best friend (who will be getting his highly anticipated, daily salad as soon as I finish writing this sentence).

FLAGPOLE.COM | DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022

April 1, 2004, Pittsburgh, PA: Ben Kweller co-headlined with Death Cab for Cutie for the last big show at Club Laga, Pittsburgh’s bigger, more industrial version of Caledonia Lounge. As a working-class city, Pittsburgh has never been at the forefront of fashion and, at this point, was in a postgrunge hangover, as you could tell by my CD cases: Alice in Chains, Tool, Radiohead, Bright Eyes. Heavy alternative rock was giving way to indie singer-songwriters, but baggy and boot-cut jeans were still the norm.

I was leaning on the balcony rail above the stage, watching roadies check mics and tune up guitars. The crowd was in a weird mood. Everyone was hugging. Girls whispered about Ben Kweller. Guys talked about Death Cab. Death Cab came on stage. The drums rolled up, and a guitar chord struck the room twice. Ben Gibbard sang, “So this is the new year,” and the crowd fell right in. We voyaged through the songs of Transatlanticism, soaking up the architecture and energy of our beloved club. At the end of the set, the crowd was hopeful but weary. We were ready for Kweller.

A lone keyboard was set up onstage. A tall guy with moppy hair walked over to the keyboard in the tightest pants anyone in the room had ever seen. Every single person looked at the person beside them and said, “Oh my God. Look at Ben’s pants.” Despite the reactions, he slammed down on the keys, and the whole place rocked out.

The murmuring over Kweller’s pants returned between each song. There were so many questions. So much confusion. People began to shout things about the pants. I couldn’t tell if Kweller was terrified or loving it. Or both.

And, you know, that’s probably a normal reaction for anyone experiencing Pittsburgh for the first time. After “Commerce, TX,” a woman yelled out above the crowd, “Tell us about your pants!” He dismissed the remark and started singing, “When I was an astronaut…”, and we all sang along.

When the song was over, Kweller looked at us and answered the girl’s earlier question, “They’re girls pants.”

And the crowd went wild.

Something in us changed that night. I don’t know if I can express what it was exactly. It’s not like Pittsburgh guys started wearing skinny jeans or stopped listening to Pearl Jam, but our minds had been opened. Our worldview

If you are old enough to remember the “good ol’ days” of The Normaltown Flyers at Allen’s on Wednesday nights, then you can recall those feelings of joy and togetherness.

The place to be on Wednesday nights. The locals (and Navy school folks) were singing and dancing to the beloved sounds of The Normaltown Flyers. You saw friends that you only saw on Wednesday night at Allen’s. Sometimes you might see a friend or classmate that had moved out of town, but still comes to Athens on Wednesday nights to hear The Normaltown Flyers and refresh old friendships.

Any of you that have fond memories like I do, please write or call anybody you know connected to the Athens Music Walk of Fame in downtown Athens. This neglect to honor one of the best loved bands of Athens is a shame. Just because younger folks have more music and opportunities to choose from should not take away the importance of The Normaltown Flyers to be honored a spot on the Athens Music Walk of Fame. They should have been one of the first bands to be honored.

10 Strategies For Repurposing (or Disposing Of) Bob Dylan’s Christmas in the Heart Album

By Curtiss Pernice 1. The cardboard LP cover makes a perfect barrier between your car seat and a messy, incontinent pet or elderly person.

2. Put it in your child’s lunch box. When they ask why, tell them it’s a banana.

3. If you purchased a copy of this recording at a record store, just toss it out the car window onto the highway on your way home. If this seems wasteful to you, just remind yourself that it’s Bob Dylan’s Christmas in the Heart album.

4. Every Wednesday morning, between 8–9 a.m., Bob Dylan has his breakfast at Patty’s Cafe on Third Street in Santa Monica, CA. Bring your copy of Christmas in the Heart to his table and force him to eat it.

5. Find any patient’s room at a local hospice, sit down at the bedside and say, “In your final moments, I thought you’d

The Refrigerator

By Tina Carlson I am so overloaded. Not just the usual butter, milk and eggs… no sir, not me, not in this house. Madame likes to cook. It used to be, when the family was here, when the mister was here, that I would be filled and emptied regularly. Not anymore. Stuff that never used to be kept cool now sits on my shelves. Madame took a course, and someone put a bee in her bonnet about unstable oils. So now the walnut oil, the sesame oil, the peanut oil—which has turned all cloudy—adorn my bottom shelf.

The dog kibble. The cat kibble. All her Chinese and other oriental condiments, liquids and flavorings. She even makes food for the dogs—BARF she calls it, and wraps individual servings of it in Glad Wrap and freezes them.

How excruciatingly efficient.

She cooks everything from scratch, then freezes individual portions. I’ve got enough meals in my upper regions to last her a couple months. Homemade biscuits. Breads.

Rolls. No Atkins or Keto diets here.

And she keeps going out and buying more. All she really needs is butter, milk and eggs, but she brings home stinky cheeses, fruits, vegetables—even stores Vidalia onions in my bottom drawer. Onions, for heaven’s sake. Who ever heard of refrigerating onions?!

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And the icemaker? Mister used to like ice in his drinks, but she never uses ice. Too cold, she says. Well, what does she expect? Except the cubes just sit there, get fuzzy and stick together. The mass that’s in there now is so solid she’s going to have to empty the freezer and take the shelf out to the bin loose.

And does she ever clean me? Wipe me out? Nah, not unless I throw a light bulb at her or drop the middle drawer when she pulls it out. Then she might notice. Or like the time the onion skins got so deep she lost a small bag of snow peas in the pile and didn’t find it until they had all turned brown and slimy.

I did it once before, and I swear I’ll do it again. If she doesn’t take better care of me, I’m going to let loose and leak all over her floor.

Introductions

By Elliot Nelson Hahamovitch a book of my experiences will never be published. i’m at the uncomfortable stretch between “normal” and “interesting.” too “strange” to write about new discoveries, too “normal” to write about what’s happened. the only place i could fit in is fiction. fantasy, sci-fi, anything “alien,” to fill in the gaps of boring in myself; to discover new worlds from my perspective. but i haven’t found myself. not yet. my sense of self is already vague, branching. i see myself in everything. i will bend and twist my personality into protagonists, just so i can feel heard. i find myself in sentient spaceships demigods, fairies, astronauts.

Five Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Toll Booths but Were Too Afraid to Ask

By Zachary Decker 1. Do all toll booths smell the same?

There are many factors that determine what the inside of a toll booth smells like, and no two smell exactly alike. The materials that toll booths are made of are partially responsible for its smell. For example, a booth made of metal smells less like wood than a wooden booth does. Of course, ➤ continued on next page

Happy Holidays

By Bob Mitchell

that we totally worked hard on.

Let’s Fly

like to listen to Bob Dylan singing some Christmas classics.” They will probably pass away immediately.

6. Robert DeNiro is believed to have accumulated over 875,000 copies of Christmas in the Heart by picking through people’s garbage, stowing away on trash barges and exploring municipal sewer systems. Check his schedule online to see when he will be in your area, and arrange a pickup at your home.

7. Throw your copy of the album into a lake, but don’t be surprised when it comes jauntily bouncing back out like a boomerang and hits you in the face. Shame on you for thinking this would be easy.

8. Christmas in the Heart makes an outstanding slip and salt. Plop the record on floated glet, knock the woody chapels off it, lag out cobbie and gaulish, then wag the plippits. You’ll have to haggle chop the previous week to glob shunky.

9. Be sure that the record you’re disposing of is actually Christmas in the Heart and not a counterfeit copy. Start with the cover art; it should depict several children whipping a horse to death which Dylan painted while high on cough medicine. Now, turn the record cover over. You should feel a searing pain in the front of your skull when you do so. Don’t worry, this is normal and a sign that you have a genuine copy of the record.

10. Christmas in the Heart is known in North Korea as Dear Leader Celebrates Victory Over Imperialism in the Winter War Featuring Oppressive Harmonica. It is said that Dylan re-recorded the entire album and attempted to sing the lyrics in Korean, despite not knowing the language. If you can find a copy of this rare record, throw it away, too.

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expanded. Ben Kweller gave us a gift that night. At the end of one era, a glance into the next. A peek into our hipster future.

(You can find a live recording of this show and hear Ben Kweller talk about his girl pants by searching for “Ben Kweller Live at Club Laga on 2004-04-01” at archive.org.)

DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022 | FLAGPOLE.COM

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slackpole

continued from p. 17

it goes without saying that the genetic makeup of toll booth operators also plays a major part in a booth’s smell. Other things to consider are food odors, pest populations and how recently the booth’s interior was painted. In general though, toll booths smell like an empty ice cube tray and new styrofoam.

2. Is it OK that some toll booths don’t have arms?

The gates that lift up at certain toll booths are often mistakenly called arms, but the correct name for this feature is lips. Some toll booths do not have lips because there is an inadequate supply of batteries available to power each and every booth. Ethical concerns with regard to lithium mining are the root of this supply shortage. While toll booths and their operators take only a vague stance on this issue, the repercussions are real and immediate from a practical standpoint. Ultimately, toll booths with lips are better, but it is socially acceptable that some booths do not have them.

and shouting details while the phantom phallus shined brightly on, over and behind him. The penis maintained a gigantic multi-dimensional presence by appearing to move along with his white shirt as he marched back and forth in front of the blackboard waving his arms in a wild and exaggerated manner.

He next displayed a detailed illustration of the female sex organ. “This is a clitoris,” he shouted, and violently whacked the unfamiliar image with his pointer, the loud bang startling the dark room to attention. Women, we were told, had a lot of moving parts and worked to a precise monthly schedule. Tiny labels with multiple vowels were plastered all over the female organ. The teacher repeatedly

3. How many toll booths are there?

It is impossible to get an accurate count because toll booths are in a constant rotation of either being erected or demolished based on a lottery system. There are no approved statistics in publication that reflect any official views on this matter.

4. What are tolls used for?

This question is about tolls and not toll booths. Offtopic questions will not be answered.

5. Do toll booths have bathrooms?

All toll booths are required to be equipped with restrooms. The facilities must have operating toilets, sinks, hand dryers, showers and dry cleaning services. All restrooms are located either on the second floor or in the basement, depending on state law. Toll booth restrooms are available for public use when tolls are not actively being collected. Tipping the bathroom attendant on duty is strongly encouraged.

6. Which toll booths are haunted?

All toll booths are, or will be, haunted. The ghost of Dwight D. Eisenhower haunts one individual toll booth at a time for no longer than eight consecutive days and no less than three days. The 34th U.S. president was unable to visit every toll booth in America before he died and now is doing so from the spirit realm. Unfortunately, given the constant rotation of toll booth demolition and building, the soul of Dwight D. Eisenhower will never be at rest. Feel free to ask your toll booth operator if they have been visited by Eisenhower’s ghost the next time you are at a toll booth.

Sex Education

By Maxwell Champion Sex education was a public health fad when I entered high school in 1970, and I was among the first adolescents to be formally instructed in the science of sex. It became all the rage, an embarrassing extension of the science trend following Sputnik, only focused on a biological exploration of the zygote experience. “Sex ed” was separate from other classes, segregated by gender and always taught by physical education (PE) teachers who matched the sex of the students. Classes were held irregularly, never announced in advance, and conducted in a very grave and secretive atmosphere. Boys and girls were separated and marched to different rooms. No texts or handouts were distributed. Information was delivered by lecture, sometimes by pleading to our good sense, other times through hectoring and admonition. The teachers spoke with an exaggerated, almost morose, air of seriousness.

During one session at Cherryhill East High School, the instructor used an overhead projector to show the class an illustration of the male phallus. A gigantic penis covered the blackboard from one end of the room to the other. The gym teacher paced in front of the blackboard gesticulating

18

slammed the illustration with his pointer to emphasize critical points. We sat listening in stunned silence. I tried to focus on the anatomical lesson at hand, but it was harder than algebra. No one dared ask a question.

The girls were already at their desks when we returned to class. They were talking and laughing in a lighthearted manner. The boys shuffled in silently and took their seats, looking uncertain, lost and confused.

Autumn Begins in Athens After James Wright

By Carson Colenbaugh The green creek runs beneath the football stadium; beastly feet Gallop its manicured turf into terrible densities dying for oxygen. A certain civilization rises to proud-sung chanting; beautiful men With long hair parade down painted measurements of strength: They bash their bodies while raccoons claw at crawdads within The heavy cover of princess tree, white mulberry, Chinese privet. The ditch sumac flirts with crimson, red jerseys thrash as sweat Falls and lands in the thick grass—our little world begins again.

Comedy For Seniors

By Richard Strom Seniors are fun! They have stories and experiences to share, and most importantly, they don’t give a shit about what you think of them.

FLAGPOLE.COM | DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022

You should attach yourself to one. A grandparent, aunt or uncle, or a perfect stranger that has no heirs and is getting pretty old.

Athens has a senior center called ACAK, the Athens Counsel for Alta Kakas, which in the urban dictionary means “old farty type person.” Look it up…

Seniors have a love life. Hopefully it is with their spouse, but many times through divorce and death they seek other options, for example online dating, alcohol, self-satisfaction or pets.

Online dating as you get older is not easy. It’s kind of like slow speed dating, where you get a certain amount of time to tell people about yourself and try to keep them interested long enough to finish your story. The worst part is that they never get to the end of the story, because they forgot what they were talking about.

They do have special dating sites for seniors. “Old and in the Way,” you have to be over 90 to join. There is the Jewish website, “Plenty of Gefilte Fish,” and also “What Time” for the forgetful senior.

You’re probably thinking at this point, “Why does this guy think he is an expert on seniors?” Well, I am over 65 and am rich and single. At least my name is Rich.

I’ve been married over 40 years, when you sum up all of my marriages. Actually, I’ve been divorced twice, but each one was mutual. They would say, “Leave now,” and I would say, “OK.” It was kind of sad, because each left for a friend of mine, and I miss those guys.

I should have known that the marriages were in trouble when my spouses’ interpretation of getting lucky was me falling asleep before asking for sex. I’m pretty good at kissing though. I practice a lot—mirrors, dogs, etc. I got to first base the other day, but then got picked off.

Enough about me, as there is so much more to learn about seniors. Sometimes it’s hard to tell someone’s age, because they dye their hair and are in good shape. If you see someone in the express lane with 30 items, who then writes a check, they are probably a senior.

Another dead give away is when they walk with determination to another room and come back with a puzzled look of why they went there. They are probably a senior.

If you see an older person with younger kids, they are probably a senior, or possibly a pervert.

You can always drop your keys to the ground and a senior will bend down to pick them up 99% of the time, but it may take them a while to get back up.

Many seniors have a fair amount of free time, because they are retired. Some use it to drive back and forth between doctors, so they can tell their friends what hurts them. It’s almost like a competition when they get together with their friends to see who has had more operations.

Some have become hypochondriacs just so that they can compete with some of their sicker friends. Thank goodness they have a placebo to cure that terrible disease!

Many use their time for volunteer work. Some deliver Meals on Wheels to themselves.

The most important thing that you need to know is that if you are walking into a building, run ahead of the senior and get the door for them. It pisses them off, as they think, “You don’t think that I can open this door by myself, you little shit?”

Adopt a senior today, or at the very least, make believe that you are interested in what they have to say.

The Chain Is Broken

By Jesmond cooper Locked in shackles chained in chains don’t play with your life it’s not a game Don’t do it for the fame don’t do it for the money you’ll gain I know a lot of people wished they could’ve changed before they were locked in the chains the chain is broken even though the locks won’t open you left your family hoping now all they have left is a few portraits and a chain that is broken think about this and don’t you forget don’t be the one to leave the chain broken and the locks unopened don’t do it for the fame or the money you’ll gain be the change while the cage is still open f

Happy Holidays from the Second Fave!

229-869-5734 mobile 706-316-2900 office jarrett@athensgeorgiahomes.com

ATHENSGEORGIAHOMES.com

Keep Athens-Clarke County Beautiful

RECYCLE YOUR TREE Bring your undecorated Christmas tree to one of the following locations and receive a FREE tree seedling! **Also accepting wreaths and lights for recycling**

January 8th, 2022 9 AM to 1 PM Drop-off Locations: * Clarke Middle School * Sandy Creek Nature Center * Chase Street Elementary School * Winterville Public Works

Recycling Centers at: * Georgia Square Mall Theater Parking Lot * Lexington Road Tag Office * Cofer’s Home & Garden Showplace

For more information, visit www.keepathensbeautiful.org DECEMBER 29, 2021 & JANUARY 5, 2022 | FLAGPOLE.COM

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