Guessing Game by Jazmine

I started to fall deeper and deeper into the roots of this beautiful island and I wanted to soak up everything about it. I discovered even more about my roots and who I was. However, the main reason I was able to do so was because of my grandmother. My grandmother is everything to me because she taught me crucial life lessons, and was one of my number one supporters and cheerleaders. Whenever I would step into her house after my long plane ride from the States, I would be met with photos of my face plastered all around the house. It would include my cousin and I’s baby photos, current photos, graduation photos, achievements, and the occasional family photos. I loved our conversations about her trying to teach me Patois, and me failing at everything because I had no clue what she was saying. Years later and I can only make out words and phrases, not even. I only continued with these lessons because they made her happy, and I would do anything to make her happy.

I miss her bakes which were soft, warm, and comforting when I would sink my teeth into the rich and solid bread that tastes like pure flour and sweetness. I miss when she always knew when there was something wrong and asked me in her soft sweet voice, “Are you okay, my girl?” Or, “Is there anything you need, my girl?” Or, “Is there anything I can do for you, my girl?” I was always her girl and nobody else’s. She had this way of having a special relationship with everyone in the family. She made everyone seem like they had a place in this world that was specifically made for them.

I haven’t been to Saint Lucia and I haven’t seen my family in what seems like forever. As I got older, things changed. I found myself not wanting to go to Saint Lucia as often and wanting to travel to other parts of the world. This caused me to strain away from my family. However, I did hold those memories of being on the island with my family members close to my heart. With growth comes an uncomfortable changing period.

I miss the rich melanin skin I had when I was in Saint Lucia. I miss the fresh fruits and climbing up a tree to get a mango whenever I felt like it. I miss the fresh coconut water I would drink whenever I got sick. I miss the waterfalls, my cousins, my family, and most importantly, my clear skin. But I miss Saint Lucia because I feel like it was an escape from reality. I was placed on that island paradise for a reason. It was through my family, specifically my grandmother that I saw where I fit in, and I didn’t feel like an outsider from my own culture anymore. I went back to the States as a new person, a new woman. Every year that passed, when I was away from Saint Lucia, my grandmother grew sicker and sicker.

It wasn’t until last summer that my grandmother took her last breath. Left my family, left my mother, left me. I would endure one of the hardest days of my life. Sitting in my living room watching my grandmother being lowered into the ground, with me, unable to be there in person. This was due to a vigorous pandemic that was and continues to spread endlessly across the world.

My grandmother would never see me win my last high school awards. My grandmother would never see me get ready for prom. My grandmother would never see me put on my graduation cap and gown, and watch me walk across that stage being handed my diploma. My grandmother would never get to add my graduation picture to the wall at her house with the other endless photos of my life. My grandmother would never get to see me graduate college and start my career. My grandmother will never see me get married and have my own children.