April 24 Issue

BEFORE FINALS BEGIN, TAKE

A BREAK AND RELAX WITH OUR FAVORITE ISSUE OF THE YEAR — THE UNWIND ISSUE -THE FLOR-ALA EDITORIAL STAFF

April 24, 2014

Volume 82, Issue 30

www.FlorAla.net

Student newspaper of the University of North Alabama

‘WE ARE OUTTA HERE’ Leo III, Una announce official resignation STUDENTS WEIGH IN ...5B

photo by ALLI OWNBY I Staff Photographer

INSIDE

this week’s paper

JAX...................4A PHOTOS..............6A VIEWPOINTS.........7A

HOROSCOPES.....2B TRAVEL............5B EXTRA.............8B

photo by KAYLA SLOAN I Senior Staff Photographer

UNFORTUNATE EVENTS...6B

Please recycle your paper.

2A UNWIND

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

FICTION

Recently demolished bridge haunts Florence citizens

completely undoctored photo by DALLAS MOORE I Ninja Editor

Cars are parked along Court Street in Downtown Florence, a symbol of a lazy afternoon. Alas, all is not well, for looming just above the tree line is an apparition of the Ghost Bridge, a former architectural landmark that was demolished last year, only to return as a specter of past hauntings and merriment. I am the news.

ASHLEY REMKUS

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The ghost of Ghost Bridge has been terrorizing the City of Florence by appearing to citizens and blocking roads at random hours of the day causing traffic back-ups, delays and near crashes.

Ghost Bridge, a local haunted attraction, was demolished by the City of Florence last year, after it was deemed a liability issue for Lauderdale County.

Since then, the bridge, which has roots back to the time of the Civil War, has reincarnated itself as a ghost and haunted the city.

The ghost looks just like Ghost Bridge, said Payton Burrows.

Burrows, a junior, has been the victim of one of the traffic delays caused by the ghost, she said.

“I was stuck in the traffic jam for like a good two minutes,” Burrows said. “The ghost was just there over the street.”

Burrows is not the only person who has encountered a traffic jam caused by the ghost of Ghost Bridge.

Authorities have received complaints from students and community members alike. Citizens recount waiting as long as 8 minutes 42 seconds in a jam, courtesy of the ghost of Ghost Bridge.

Some students, like juniors Kayla Flanagan and Cheyenne Hallman, experienced sighs of relief when they found out what was causing the traffic problems around town.

Flanagan believes the daily traffic problems she encounters around town are a result of the ghost of Ghost Bridge.

“It’s the only logical reason for the way people have been driving around Florence,” Hallman said. “When people

are pulling out in front of cars, they must be trying to get away from the ghost as fast as possible.”

All Flanagan could say was, “Thank God we know what is causing the problems now — the ghost of Ghost Bridge.”

Thanks to the ghost, senior Jacob Fielder was stuck at a red light in Florence for an entire five minutes the other day, he said.

“I was sitting at a red light and nobody was going,” Fielder said. “I’m pretty sure it was because of the ghost of Ghost Bridge. I don’t know what else it could’ve been.”

The haunting of the city by the ghost of Ghost Bridge amazes most people.

But, some, like Assistant Professor of Geology Richard Statom, go into a full state of shock when they hear the news about the ghost of Ghost Bridge.

Statom said he has been lucky enough

to avoid any and all encounters with the ghost.

“I haven’t actually seen the ghost of Ghost Bridge,” Statom said, gazing in disbelief.

Because traffic is at its peak around 10 a.m. each day, it would be best to avoid driving during that time altogether.

The slowest hours for traffic tend to occur between the hours of 7 a.m. and 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. so delays have not lasted as long during those times.

Authorities have not announced what they will do to combat the havoc the ghost of Ghost Bridge is wreaking upon the City of Florence.

Until a decision is made and citizens are notified about what they should do to assist in the efforts, motorists and pedestrians should exercise caution, especially in the downtown area.

FACT

Professors confirm existence of tunnel system under campus ASHLEY REMKUS

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map courtesy of Google Maps, details by Professional Cartographer PACE HOLDBROOKS

This map illustrates possible routes of the tunnels under campus.

The rumors have been confirmed: There really is an underground tunnel system on campus. However, the purpose of the tunnel system and its uses have not been confirmed.

A tunnel runs from Wesleyan Hall to the Math Building, said William Strong, professor emeritus of geography.

“At one point there were feral cats on campus and fleas got all in Wesleyan,” Strong said. “I wonder if those might have been coming from the tunnel. It’s possible.”

Strong was unable to provide any details about the size, length or width of the tunnel.

Strong had experience with tunnel

systems at other schools, like the University of Texas which features tunnels people can walk through, Strong said.

“I actually got to go down and walk through the tunnels at Texas,” he said.

“Maybe ours are that big, but who knows?

I haven’t actually got to go through the one here, but I’m sure somebody has.”

Sophomore Taylor Ritter believes it is possible that professors use the tunnels to have parties underground, she said.

“I bet the teachers do something top secret down there,” Ritter said.

Junior Jordan Alcorn suggested the tunnel system might be a black market for students to buy and sell cheaper textbooks or to obtain advanced copies of tests.

The tunnels might be used for transporting the best brew of beer across campus, said David Muse, professor of math-

ematics.

Muse also suggested a tunnel might exist from Bibb Graves Hall for the people at the top of the food chain to keep tabs on the freshman composition classes taught there, but was unable to confirm.

Although he could not be certain, Strong said he thinks the tunnel running between Wesleyan and the Math Building is used for maintenance.

“I can’t believe nobody told me,” Muse said when informed of the tunnels .

“This is crazy.”

Sophomore McKinley Porter could have saved her hair, makeup and outfits a lot of trouble on rainy days if she had known about the tunnel system and been able to utilize it.

“I wish I knew about it,” Peters said.

“Then I wouldn’t get rained on walking to class.”

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

UNWIND 3A

4A JAX

JAX

Jaxpril 24, 2014 • The Jax-Ala

JAX

You had to be there: sh*t Corinne said Friends find time for famous feline

It’s All About Jax

Editor’s note: This piece is a playful sampling of the things our incredibly quirky head-honcho says about pretty much everything. All quotes were compiled by News Editor Pace Holdbrooks.

WOW

SUCH FUR

SO PHOTOGEN

MODUL

”WAIT...SO MARCH

MADNESS IS COLLEGE BASKETBALL...LIKE THE MIAMI DOLPHINS?

”CAN WE CHANGE

THE TERM ʻBYE-WEEK?ʼ YOU JUST MADE THAT UP RIGHT?

MUCH CAT VERY MOUSE

photo by DALLAS MOORE I Jax Photographer

PACE HOLDBROOKS 2I` -LQ\WZ RI`(NTWZITI VM\

ADDITIONAL CORINNE-ISMS

• DEEMING ANY TIME SHE SAYS ANYTHING SHE SHOULDNʼT HAVE AS USING HER “INSIDE VOICE” • TELLING US ABOUT HER CAT (SEE STORY ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THIS PAGE)

• CALLING EVERYBODY “GOOBER” OR NUMERICALLY ADDRESSING PEOPLE AS

“GOOBERS ONE AND TWO”

• CALLING ALL CARBONATED BEVERAGES “POP” photos masterfully taken at the right time by DALLAS MOORE I Ninja Photographer

WOW

I’m at the glass screen door. I can see into Corinne’s apartment. It’s really nice, like you’d expect if you know her.

As I pause for a moment to check the time, I look down to see a pair of small beady eyes staring back up at me.

I now recall the primary purpose of my visit to my friend’s home: Jax. It’s amazing how this 10-month-old tuxedo cat has dominated so much of the conversation around our office in the past year.

Basically, Jax is the cat (read: son) of Editor-in-Chief Corinne Beckinger. He is also the main thing Corinne talks about (other than the fact that she’s planning a wedding and is really stressed).

The thing is, I really hate cats. I can’t explain how much I don’t care about cats.

It may be because I’m super allergic, or because I am a “feeler” who desires affection from the people and creatures I choose to love (and cats have no affection to show because they have no affection, because they have no love, because they are cats and cats do not know what love is).

So in August when Corinne went to

Pet Depot to adopt the baby shelter kitten we would all come to know as Jax, I could not have cared less.

However, as Corinne’s affection for her kitty grew, so did her tales of his escapades and my desire to meet the cantankerous kitten with the furtuxedo.

On Friday, March 18, I finally met Jax. He sat in the doorway as if to say “I’ve been waiting for you.”

For the next hour, I watched friends play with him as I sneezed my head off and laughed to myself.

He has the temperament of a puppy but all of the shyness of a small child. He’s as cute as a button and as kind as an old maid.

He runs, he jumps, and he stalks. He’s terrified of being outside and has a Buddha belly.

He is a really cool cat, pun intended.

And then I realized something I never had: Corinne had been right the whole time.

This cat was important. This cat was everything she’d ever said it was.

Wondering what the point of this article is?

Exactly.

You’ve just experienced a sampling of what we’ve been through for the past year.

PICTURED ABOVE: Jax poses as a contender to be immortalized in a doge meme. PICTURED BELOW: Stoic and yet understanding, Jax the great defender of the Edminston-Beckinger household gazes forlornly into the ceiling fan above his head.

photo by DALLAS MOORE I Jax Photographer

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

UNWIND 5A

6A UNWIND

Pa-Pa-Paparazzi

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

Joshua Brookover

Roger Wang

BLYTHE STEELMAN

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If there is one branch of our staff that deserves an endless “thank you” it is the photographers. These four individuals work tirelessly throughout the week to photograph events, come up with creative ways to illustrate our wacky stories and could very well be called the Student Media paparazzi.

And they are amazing at what they do — capturing campus spirit and once-in-a-lifetime moments is a special job and one that each of these staff members does with ease. Our newspaper would be pretty boring each week without their work to showcase alongside the articles.

Each staff member is different from the next: Josh cosplays, Roger is from China, Sarah is going to be a teacher and Alli does roller derby in her spare time. Photography is the tie that binds them all together, despite their differences in personality and hobbies.

Each of them wrote a brief biography about their interests, future plans and how they got into photography — be sure to check those out on our website, www.florala.net.

Thank you for the work you’ve done this year and for shooting (and sometimes reshooting) our crazy assignments. We could not have made it through this year without you all.

Alli Ownby

Sarah Holliday

UNWIND 7A

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

SENIOR EDITORIALS

ʻIn the worldʼ means ʻin the worldʼ UNA became real home

PACE HOLDBROOKS 6M_[ -LQ\WZ VM_[(NTWZITI VM\

Here we are, the last paper of the year and consequently my last editorial as a UNA student.

Honestly, this is one I’ve thought long and hard about.

What I’m about to say may be an odd shift from the tone of the rest of this “unwind” issue, but I’m graduating so I’m getting this off my chest. This editorial is for the campus community, but specifically addresses the campus ministries and churches connected to it, which may be missing the mark on something vital to the faith they proclaim.

Before I make my case, I need to clarify that I am a Christian and I understand the difficulty in wrestling to live “above reproach.”

A common motto in the Christian church is for Christians

to be “in the world, but not of the world.” The concept here is simple: Christians are to live in a way that is morally consistent with the teachings of our faith, while living among and showing love to those who do not hold to these values.

In a place like the Bible Belt, Christian morality is in many ways the societal norm — meaning church members can become very comfortable, so much so that they forget their purpose; no to mention the fact that if the church is a social thing, there are probably people involved who don’t actually care.

Whether Christians in the Shoals area fall into the camp of “comfortable believers” or “not believers at all,” I see a trend of going through the motions with no actual concern for the people outside of their clique, no concern about the world that Jesus suffered for. Whereas Jesus was on a rescue mission, many of us treat our faith like we are on a trip through a drive-thru.

We just wrapped up Easter season, a time when most pastors discuss the resurrection of Jesus and his ascension to heaven. I am concerned the Shoals-area Christians have forgotten the last words recorded before Jesus’

ascension: The charge to go and make disciples of all nations.

To make disciples we can’t yell at people on the walking bridge, we can’t just hold meetings or events and expect people to come. We can’t be ministers of the gospel if we don’t go to people and meet them where they’re at.

Instead, Jesus met people where they were. He asked questions to engage them and see what they were truly living for (often, it was not for something greater than themselves). He offered them a new life that was infinitely better than the one they would be giving up. Then he died for them.

We can’t make the sacrifice he did, but we can engage our friends with the gospel in the way he did. In fact, we have to.

What would our community look like if we followed this example?

Jesus was willing to get dirty, and he went down dirty but fighting, only to come up clean and victorious. Imagine the joy it would bring if we only took time to get out of our comfort zones and love people the way we were commanded.

Goodbye is bittersweet, but it is time

BLYTHE STEELMAN

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It’s time.

As I write this, I’m sitting in the one place on campus that has transformed my life: the Office of Student Media. It’s been my home away from home for the last three years. I’ve been through failures and successes in this office. I’ve made friends, lost friends, been broken up with, pulled all-nighters, slept, sometimes eaten all three meals of the day, completed last-minute homework assignments and at times have generally lived in this office.

There are extra pairs of shoes under my desk, a blazer for emergency interviews (many thanks to my predecessor for that piece of wisdom, because it has served me well), too many coffee cups to count and a board

full of Post-It notes — this place is my safe haven.

This office — working for The Flor-Ala — has taught me more than any classroom on this campus ever will. What we do each week is tough and there have been times I wanted to give up, but we push through and keep reporting, editing and designing.

As I reflect on three years spent with this publication, I can’t imagine what my life will look like without it. I can’t imagine waking up on Tuesdays and knowing it’s no longer production day for me. I’ll probably still panic a little around our 3 p.m. deadline on Sundays because I won’t remember whether or not I had an article due for that week’s issue.

But for every late night, tear shed and moment I’ve had to walk away in frustration, one thing is certain: My life is better because I was part of this publication.

I wouldn’t still be here without the encouragement (and oftentimes brutal honesty) of those in my life, though. I wish I had the space to say thank you to each individual but you all know who you are. So, thank you for the advice, constructive criticisms, motivation, kind

words, honesty and being there to push me to be a better journalist during my time here.

I would be remiss if I didn’t thank my staff — you each have worked so hard and I can’t express how grateful I am for your continued dedication to doing better work every week.

I’ve watched you grow so much in your roles and wish you nothing but success as you move forward.

The Flor-Ala has been my safe haven and has given me opportunities beyond my wildest dreams, but now it’s time to let it do that for someone else. It’s time for me to leave this newspaper in good hands (which I know for a fact I’m doing) and start a new chapter in my own life.

As I do that, I know I will be able to look back on these years and every good and bad moment with a smile. This office is where I learned a lot about life, and for that I am forever grateful.

So, to all of those editors and writers who came before me and to the ones who were there beside me, thank you for three amazing years. It’s been wild, and saying goodbye is bittersweet, but…it’s time.

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UNA was not my first choice in schools. With a five hour drive separating me from home, it was the closest I could get to being “out of state” without actually leaving.

I wanted to be a K-State Wildcat, and I spent my first semester crafting the perfect plan to convince my parents to let me go there and be with my best friend.

Obviously, the scheming didn’t work out, and I’m really glad it didn’t.

This institution has taught me an awful lot, not just in academia, but in responsibility, time management and goal setting. Throughout these four years I have learned just the type of person I want to be, and I am excited for the future because of it.

If someone had told me at SOAR that by the time I graduated I would have joined Greek Life, held positions on National Panhellenic Council and in my own sorority Zeta Tau Alpha, become president of two honor societies, enjoyed two on-campus jobs, served in SGA for three years, visited three countries, gotten engaged, planned a wedding and been named editor-inchief of The Flor-Ala, I would have thought the kid was nuts.

But each of those positions opened the door to greater opportunities and they have all taught me valuable skills that I will use in my future.

I have learned the difference between constructive

criticism and criticism; each role taught me how and when to apply it to my own performance. I learned how to address people and communicate effectively.

Most importantly, though, I realized how to look at every day with a positive attitude.

There have been times — too many to count — when this job at The Flor-Ala was the biggest pain in the butt, and I asked myself why I even bothered in the first place.

The Flor-Ala staffs — editors, photographers, business representatives alike —are the reason I came into this office every day.

This group of editors in particular should be commended for their hard work, often unseen by the campus community. Over this past year, they have lost a copy editor (which explains some unfortunate typos), a sports editor and an adviser.

They have learned to overcome hurdles with malfunctioning computers, worked on snow days, spent way too many late nights worrying about page designs and had to balance classes and their personal lives on top of it.

It takes a strong group of people to still manage to come into work smiling each day, ready to tackle yet another project that would inevitably turn out entirely different than originally planned, but they did.

And when I think back on it, I think it’s exactly how my four years at UNA were too — a little unpredictable. I’m incredibly grateful my plans were consistently altered as new doors were opened for me at this university.

I have met a wonderful group of goobers I can call my friends and some outstanding mentors along the way.

Best of all, I discovered a home at UNA.

FOR THE RECORD...

We strive to get it right the first time, but when we donʼt, we are happy to set the record straight.

Actually, just kidding. We did not commit any journalistic errors or misspell any words. Finally.

8A UNWIND PACE HOLDBROOKS 6M_[ -LQ\WZ VM_[(NTWZITI VM\

I start my night at Buffalo Wild Wings with a margarita. I’m not a margarita person but this has Dos Equis and tequila and I think it’ll complement my burrito.

I’m surrounded by friends from church and we’re all smiles. Viva la Easter Week.

My face itches. Could I be allergic to tequila? Weird question to ask. Stay tuned.

OK, I’m fine. It was a good drink.

Very weak. I wouldn’t recommend it because the price outweighs the value but it was a good drink and I’m not dead.

Anna Grace has abandoned me. I’m a one man show...or am I? I’m now on a double date at Odette.

The girls are looking for wine. I’m not sure.

The Weapon Truck is my favorite so far but I’m feeling minty fresh so I’m trying something else.

Drinks are here. I went with a dead leaves and the dirty ground. It’s minty.

It’s awesome.

My girlfriend got a Paradise Lost. It’s good. Much rum. So ice. John Milton would be proud.

I miss Anna Grace.

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

Alcohol Crawl 2 editors, 2 stories, 1 night photo courtesy of Jonathan Oliphant

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It’s 10 p.m., and I’ve abandoned Pace. The plan was to first shower, then meet for a couple drinks at all the snazzy joints around town — essentially have a beer crawl. More like I didn’t feel like crawling out of bed and my refrigerator was closer than the bar so I opted for that route.

I started off with a Huntsville Straight to Ale brew called Monkeynaut and skyrocketed to space after the 7.25 percent alcohol by volume hoppy liquid entered my bloodstream. I coasted through the new movie “August: Osage County”, a Meryl Streep spectacular, and had to crack open another because of the depressing storyline of the film.

I wonder how mine and Pace’s BAC levels are comparing.

Next, I opened a Alabama Back Forty Beer Co. specialty — Frecklebelly. Another hoppy strain of beer, this IPA topped my night off with dreams of home. Aside from a stay-in beer crawl, this beer could be used to recollect memories of afterprom parties and creek shindigs with old friends.

I hope Pace is OK. I really do..

UNWIND

SECTION B

April 24, 2014• The Flor-Ala • Life Editor: Kali Daniel 256-765-5233

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS SUMMER?

FULL-TIME? No

Yes

NOT A DARN THING

DO YOU WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE IN YOUR FREE TIME?

No

Yes

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

DO YOU HAVE A JOB?

Yes

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK DRANK

No

MISSION TRIP

No

GO SEE XMEN, SPIDERMAN, MALEFICENT AND 22 JUMP STREET

VOLUNTEER AT THE

TO DESTROY PORTAL

LEARN, THEN...

No

TV SHOWS?

Yes

No

DO YOU LIKE TO DRINK? No

Yes

DO YOU LOVE JESUS? No

FIND A WAY

No

Yes

Yes

Yes

CAN YOU COOK?

DO YOU LIKE MOVIES?

ANIMAL SHELTER

Yes

RETURN TO YOUR HOME PLANET

BAKE FOR $$$

Yes

DO YOU LOVE PUPPIES? No

No

ARE YOU HUMAN?

NO, YOU’RE NOT

Yes flowchart by KALI DANIEL I Life Editor

2B UNWIND

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

HOROSCOPES

IN THE STARS...

Aries The Ram March 20 - April 20

Taurus The Bull April 20 - May 21

Gemini The Twins May 21 - June 21

Cancer The Crab June 21 - July 23

Leo The Lion July 23 - August 23

Virgo The Virgin August 23 - September 23

Libra The Scales September 23 - October 23

You have got this. There is only one week of classes left and you can rest easy knowing you are prepared. But make sure you rest this weekend because you’ll need all your energy for finals next week — and then for the parties after...

Avoid confrontation. You have almost finished the semester and now isn’t the time to quarrel over petty things. Spend some quality time with those you truly value this weekend. Just have fun and don’t worry about finals. You have got this!

You have probably been thinking a lot about what you are doing with your life. Things should become clearer over the next few days. Your dual nature may have you changing your mind, but that is fine. Embrace today and don’t worry about tomorrow.

You may find yourself getting inside your own head this weekend.

Stay at home and enjoy your own company or hit the town with friends. Either way, do not worry about finals.

You are ready!

Your instincts are on point this weekend. Face your problems and then get out there and show them who is king — or queen — of the jungle. Take a break and go hiking in Wildwood Park, get out on the river, or just enjoy downtown Florence. This is your UNA!

You are practical but that does not mean you are boring. You know you are ready for the end of the semester so just let loose and have fun this weekend. Get out there and try new things.

Do not get hung up if your plans do not go as expected this weekend. You can communicate when you need to so call a friend to see if they want to join you for lunch or dinner. If not, then more for you! Enjoy yourself and don’t let the little things get you down.

This information is completely fictional and should not be taken as fact.

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DALLAS MOORE ;\IZ /IbMZ

Scorpio The Scorpion October 23 - November 22

Sagittarius The Archer November 22 - December 22

Capricorn The Sea-goat December 22 - January 20

Aquarius The Water-bearer January 20 - February 18

Pisces

Liability for any decisions made based on the following ‘predictions’ falls solely on the reader.

Take everything with a grain of salt as you approach the weekend. Love may be in the air or it may not be. Either way, do not let yourself get down. You should hit Court Street with fun in mind.

You are living life to the fullest and that is all that matters!

You have had a great week whether you have noticed it or not. You may feel adventurous before the weekend, but don’t go too crazy.

You may be able to have some fun, but Monday still comes after Sunday and before you know it, it will be time for finals.

The beginning of the week may have been stressful for you so take a step back before the weekend.

Re-examine what it is you are working toward and then spend the weekend enjoying some great local music and art. You are in the Shoals so go have fun!

You know how to balance school, work and fun. Face Friday and Saturday knowing next week will be OK, as will the week after that and the week after that. Let your hair down and take comfort in knowing you have everything under control!

The Fish

Do not let yourself worry too much. Use Thursday and Friday to hit your weekend head on. You need to take a break and relax before finals next week.

February 18 - March 20

You have got this!

UNWIND 3B

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

TV

ʻOrangeʼ shares prison life, not realistic KALI DANIEL

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“Orange is the New Black” has been the obsession of every Netflix subscriber, lesbian objectifier and Tumblr user for the last year. It’s based on the life of Piper Kerman, however, the book and the show have about a 2 percent correlation. The realities of Kerman’s life as outlined in the book combined with the recent trailer determine my predictions for season two below. with V, Crazy Eyes and V are goREALITIES ing to form a power couple, Piper • Piper doesn’t see Alex in prison developed a badass attitude in SHU until she’s relocated for a court apand we’re going to see more stories pearance. They aren’t remotely sexfrom the lives of inmates. ual. Piper hates her.

• Bennett is going to face a lot of • Crazy Eyes lasts for two parapressure, both from Daya and from graphs of the 300-page book and Mendez. According to the book, she’s not black, she’s Mexican.

Daya (Cormorante) gets sent to • Larry has a job as a news editor Special Housing Unit (SHU) then for Men’s Journal. relocated and Bennett quits out of • Piper never made soaps with heartbreak. Bennett is actually a Polly. In fact, Polly isn’t real. combination of two different people • Piper never gets starved out. Red from the memoir, Corrective Offi(Pop in the book) acts as a mother cer Scott (who falls for an inmate) figure to Piper from the outset. and Corrective Officer Maple who • There’s no lesbian action, at least served in Iraq and is eventually redescribed. Kerman alludes to some moved for destroying A Dorm when sexual activity escalating during her a prisoner crosses him. Based on the sentence but doesn’t describe it in trailer, this seems to be a pretty acany detail. curate prediction.

• Ms. Claudette (Natalie) is Jamai• Piper’s grandmother dies. This can, not French. is a really intense part of the book • Pornstache (Mendez) is actually where Piper does a lot of selfdescribed as a creepy porno mousdiscovery and self-reflection so it tache cop and leaves four months makes sense that her grandmother is into Kerman’s sentence. going to pass away.

• Piper celebrates her birthday.

Something that happens during her PREDICTIONS 15-month sentence, her birthday • Larry and Piper are going to get celebration is something that reinback together. It may not be until states her faith in the women she the end of the season, but if it’s golives with. ing to hold true to the memoir at all, • Figueroa gets fired or transferred, they’ll be back together. which means Caputo is going to be • It’s going to get dark. Really in charge, which is going to be detridark. Red’s going to make drama mental to pretty much everyone.

photo courtesy of Amazon

Netflix original series “Orange is the New Black” sparked a revolution on Netflix last summer as it described the treatement of female prisoners. Season two is set to be released on Netflix June 6.

SATIRE

Easy misogyny how-to by great feminist empress KALI DANIEL

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You’re a man — a big, strong man.

You don’t like being told what to do or how to do it especially by a woman who can’t do the same. You’re not like those other guys — you firmly believe in the friendzone and you proudly show your true colors of misogyny. You were born with a penis and by God, you’re entitled.

Below are a few steps to step up your game when being superior to the ladies, because let’s face it, you’re the dominant sex.

Remind women real life is not Tumblr Today’s feminists are flooding the Tumblr dashboards and learning more than ever about their iniquities. They’re

learning real life statistics and reading articles on Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics. They’re appreciating their bodies and feeling empowered by their differences. Any time they begin a conversation with you, simply argue “real life is not Tumblr.”

Your powerful argument will leave them speechless, and they will quickly throw all of their clothes and caution to the wind to make you their king.

Force menial tasks on her Women love to be told what to do.

Seriously. They want you to tell them to cook and clean and be overly-dominant.

When you do these things, it gives them purpose. Asking them to make you a sandwich is like asking Ron Jeremy to make terrifying porn. They. Love. It. If they hesitate, quickly inform them that you’ll break up with them if they don’t

satisfy your every whim. Women love feeling threatened. It asserts their inferiority.

Make decisions about her body

bottle of beer. Objectify her. Women particularly enjoy feeling like they’re not human, rather a wild animal bred in captivity or even a chair for you to sit on. Remind her that her body is for your enjoyment and little else.

Sexualize her

In conclusion, misogyny is an art form. Only the bro-est of the bros and the holiest of the assholes can perfect this craft. It takes a great amount of time, yet almost no brain activity. You don’t have to think, you just have to do. You are the dominant. You are the powerful.

You are in charge, and you are in control. If you feel prejudiced against, you have every right to make a fuss. And if anyone tells you otherwise remind them you’re a strong, empowered, entitled white man and you don’t need no equity.

Tell her you love her for her body.

Spare no details. Discuss in detail her curves — compare her to an ice cold

Editor’s Note: If you identify with one or more of these directions, you’re probably already a misogynist.

Make sure she doesn’t wear her skirt too short and if she does, reminder her that it’s her fault if she’s attacked. Men just don’t have self control, you know?

Make sure she knows when she’s gained weight. Keep her in check. If she does the same, be sure to dump her. You don’t need that negativity in your life. You have your ego to think of.

4B UNWIND

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

HEALTH

Butter, tanning could cause irreversible damage me. I missed class and everything.

AG: How are you getting your tan fix this summer?

AL: I’ll just sleep outside all summer to get it. No shame.

AG: What response do you have for people who think tanning is bad?

AL: I’ll be tan in my casket.

AG: What products do you use to enhance the tanning process?

AL: Butter, Pam, baby oil…whatever gets the job done.

ANNA GRACE USERY 7VTQVM -LQ\WZ WVTQVM(NTWZITI VM\

Tanning. Definition: bronzing of skin for the use of fitting into young-folk society and attracting humans to engage in platonic beach volleyball Made popular by the TV show “Jersey Shore,” gym, tanning and laundry has become the trinity of almost-adulthood.

Junior Anna Leigh Rossi shares her fascination for tanning, proclaiming it as just another fact of life.

AG: How often do you tan?

AL: Now, once every three weeks.

Just to get the feel of it. I used to have a tanning bed that I stayed in for a week at a time. It was like a week’s vacation for

AG:

What’s your biggest tanning pet peeve?

AL: This one time I burnedd so bad after using baby oil. The burn n formed bubbles on my shoulders and I eventually had to peel the dead skin off. ff. It felt like I was ripping my tan off.

ing a couch?

Couch:

Yes, actually. I’ve gained a plethora of knowledge by just sitting and listening to what people talk about on me while they’re drinking coffee or reading. I now know about the different breeds of alpacas and how they migrated from South America to North America.

The only thing I don’t like is hearing the gossip. People are cruel.

AG:

Is there any reversing treat-

ment?

AG: Wait, I’m the one asking questions here. I’m the journalist, not you.

Couch: Please. I’ll even tell you the gossip I’ve heard about you.

AG: So you’re going to potentially hurt my feelings? I don’t like your couch tactics very much. You’re also not very comfortable to sit on.

Couch: ……

AG: Deuces.

Couch: ‘kay bye.

Couch: Not that I know of. Can you help me out?

Former UNA student who requested equested to remain anonymous decided to tell us her story as to how her tanning addicddiction got so out of hand. Her strict ict tanning habits transformed her er le skin into leather and now people re use her as a couch. Scientists are baffled.

AG: So, what happened?

Couch: Well, the simple answer nswer is I am just addicted. Something about the way the rays hit my (leather)) skin is euphoric. I can’t get enough.

AG: Are there any benefits to be-

photo courtesy of morguefile.com

UNWIND 5B

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

ENTERTAINMENT

Music festivals provide entertainment, travel plans VERONICA LEWIS ;\]LMV\ ?ZQ\MZ ^TM_Q[(]VI ML]

Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival Where: Manchester, Tenn. on a 700acre farm Big names: Lionel Richie, Elton John and Kanye West When: June 12 to 15 Price: $40 for general admission and $97 for VIP Hangout Music Festival Where: Gulf Shores, Ala. Big names: Outkast, The Black Keys and Zedd When: May 16 to 18 Price: Ticket prices range from $29 for three-day general admission to $66.50 for three-day Super VIP with

three-day shuttle service Beale Street Music Festival Where: Hosted by Memphis in May at Tom Lee Park in Downtown Memphis Big names: Third Eye Blind, The String Cheese Incident and Snoop Dogg (aka Snoop Lion) When: May 2 to 4 Price: $85 for three-day general admission, $550 without parking for VIP ticketholders, $650 with parking for VIP ticketholders (already sold out) 2014 Vans Warped Tour Where: Nationwide Big names: Of Mice and Men, The Ready Set and We the Kings When: The tour started April 1 and

runs through Aug. 3 Price: Ticket prices vary depending on location

geous — general admission tickets cost $325 and the price goes up from there

Lollapalooza Music Festival Where: Grant Park in Chicago Big names: Skrillex, Kings of Leon and Eminem When: Aug. 1 to 3 Price: All tickets are sold out — the only option is the Platinum Pass for $3,600 (and ain’t nobody got time for dat!)

Summerfest Where: Milwaukee, WI Big names: B.o.B, The Chainsmokers and Pentatonix When: June 25 to 29 and July 1 to 6 Price: Tickets start at $9 for weekday admission, but increase after May 1 and June 1 to $70 for the 11- Day Power Pass

Sasquatch! Music Festival Where: Gorge Amphitheatre in George, Wash.

Big names: M.I.A., The Violent Femmes and Chance, The Rapper When: May 23 to 25 Price: Tickets are freaking outra-

Think we missed any good festivals? Tweet us at @UNAFlorAla

TRAVEL

STUDENT OPINION

U.S. offers fun, inexpensive summer vacation destinations

Man on the Street: What should the new mascot be?

MARI WILLIAMS

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Summer is quickly approaching and before you know it, it will be time for warm nights, musical festivals and unforgettable road trips. But if you are not the friend with the bottomless wallet, making it to all of your dream destinations may seem highly improbable.

Fear not — fun, cheap sights and cities await you.

Atlanta Home to an extensive party scene, if you are a “club hopping music manic” Atlanta’s nightlife might be for you, according to Atlanta.net. You can start off the night at Sanctuary, a Latin Dance club that caters to a wide range of ages from millennials to Baby Boomers, then head over to Sutra Lounge for more dancing and fun you’ll have forgotten by morning. Finally, wind down the night at one of Atlanta’s many bars or skip the first two and pass out next to a dumpster instead — whichever way the current takes you will do.

Phoenix To the average Southerner Arizona may seem like a vast void of desert and tumbleweed, but I assure you its rich outdoor adventures make up for it.

Though the Grand Canyon is Arizona’s attention-hogging cash cow, there are tons of other less expensive places to hike and breathe in the clean desert

air. If you don’t mind hiking through a crowded trail, Piestewa (Squaw) Peak is a good place to start. For the reclusive bunch who prefers a more silent and solitary hike, I suggest trying Deem Hills West, a fairly new park that is not widely known.

”

St. Louis If you decide to make the short sixhour drive to St. Louis, do not go to the arch. Kidding — go to the arch as long as you have no qualms about heights, but do not be disappointed by its lackluster climax, because I warned you not to go. There are better ways to waste your money than seeing an overrated curve of metal. For example, try the City Museum. A place one could have only conjured in a childhood dream, just picture a giant playground for all ages. The first floor is a wonder: indoor treehouses, a skate park where your body substitutes for an actual skateboard and possibly a secret tunnel. For only $12 your dreams can come true.

OLIVIA BEAVERS

JUNIOR, ELEMENTARY EDUCATION OLIVIA BEAVERS

”

A HAMSTER BECAUSE ITʼS SMALLER AND ITʼS CHEAPER AND

YOUʼVE NEVER HEARD OF A SCHOOL WITH A HAMSTER AS A MASCOT

BEFORE.

ANTHONY LEGGETT ANTHONY LEGGETT

Oak Hill, W.Va. Oak Hill may not be the most renowned city in West Virginia, but it does offer a large handful of adventurous outdoor activities. Known for its scenic views and awesome whitewater rafting opportunities, there are several places around the area that offer rafting for beginners as well as experts. Day float trips are also easy to find. If you take the eight-hour drive to Oak Hill you will not run out of exciting adventures.

A HIPPOPOTAMUS BECAUSE THEYʼRE CUTE AND FAT.

SENIOR, ART

”

ME-OW.

JAX EDMISTON

JAX EDMISTON

FRESH-MEOW, ACCOUNTING AND COMPUTER INFORMATION SYSTEMS

information gathered by Staff Writer DUSTIN POLLARD photos by Staff Photographer JOSHUA BROOKOVER

6B UNWIND

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

HUMOR

Itʼs A Rough Life

Unfortunate office moments make for memorable, exciting year BLYTHE STEELMAN

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While the campus community sees our finished newspapers on Thursday mornings, few are privy to the inner workings and daily happenings of our office.

We have had many reasons to celebrate this year, but there have been a few pretty unfortunate moments, too — some so unfortunate, in fact, we thought it best to share them with everyone.

1. The death of the Otter Chair

Sometime in the late spring of 2013, we came across a desk chair in our office with a missing bolt and a cattywompus lean. Those who sat in the chair were immediately shifted backward with their feet slightly off the ground — they looked like otters floating on their backs.

Thus, the Otter Chair was born.

Earlier this semester, our beloved Otter Chair held its final individual, incoming Life Editor Mari Williams. She leaned a little too far back and before we knew it, Mari was in the floor and the chair was lost forever.

2. In memory of…

Staff changes have thrown us off our game at times this year. In August 2013 our copy editor resigned. Before we left for Christmas break our sports editor also resigned. And mid-way through this semester, our adviser of four years accepted an awesome new job in Huntsville.

Some pretty integral parts of our original staff — and our hearts — are forever gone from The Flor-Ala.

3. Parking tickets

It’s no secret that parking is like our campus’ version of the Hunger Games.

For those of us who work in Student Media, though, we seem to have a particularly fine knack for finding those lovely blue and white slips of paper flapping in the breeze from our windshields. To the UNA Police Department’s credit, we do

often find ourselves sliding into the faculty and staff lot beside our office.

But when you spend as many hours in our office as we do each week, I think we deserve a few spots in the lot to call our own.

4. Opal’s return

When the Student Media staffs resided in a quaint little house on the corner of Irvine Avenue and Seminary Street (you won’t find it now since there’s a parking lot there), there was a friendly office ghost named Opal. Opal hasn’t had much to say since we moved into the old forensic science building behind Willingham Hall, but right around the time we started preparing for our Halloween issue she returned. She took a liking to News Editor Pace Holdbrooks and often made her presence known when he was around.

Creaking noises, weird reflections in computer screens and odd noises from our archive room are just a few of the Opal incidents we’ve encountered this year.

5. The new Civil War

There are four distinct offices in our building: the adviser’s office, The FlorAla editor-in-chief and Diorama executive editor’s office, The Flor-Ala editorial staff’s office, and the Diorama and photographers’ office. The main distinction between each room is temperature, and for some reason the office unit can’t seem to be uniform throughout the building.

You start in the adviser’s office — Antarctica — and move through subsephoto by JOSHUA BROOKOVER I Staff Photographer quent climates. You eventually end the The Flor-Ala’s beloved Otter Chair sits out of order in the common room. The chair journey in the Sahara Desert, the Diorawas ruined forever when bolts went missing from the bottom and Staff Writer Mari ma and photographers’ office.

Williams flipped backward out of it.

Because each person has a tendency to move the thermostat when they enter notes. Maybe it was Opal trying to get fice, and we’ve come to have a love-hate the building, we never were quite sure our attention or a sneaky squirrel thief, relationship with it.

It grew to have a mind of its own and how to dress for the day. And earlier but one day we had an entire box and the this year, we spent two weeks without next day we didn’t (same scenario with we went almost three weeks with saving finished pages, stories and data to air conditioning, aided only by the two the Pop-Tarts we got earlier this year). external hard drives. Tensions ran high dozen fans we flooded our office with. and stress was abundant, but we emerged We have a computer server that stores on the other side of the battle triumphant No matter how hard we tried this and saves every bit of work we complete. (until the next time it decides to malfuncyear, there were never enough Post-It It is quite literally our lifeline in this of- tion).

6. The office supplies shortage

7. Server problems

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April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala

UNA A Departtmen nt of Communications

(or sooner if the pizza runs out)

http://ww ww.una.edu u/communiccations/even nts Communicationss Building Frront Lawn on Pine Street accross from Kilbyy School *In case of rain, move to ro oom 116 Commu unications Build ding

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INSTA ROAR

April 24, 2014 • The Flor-Ala