I'm a girl, boy, both... neither? The Impact of feeling Invisible

Throughout school I was taunted by other students’ questions of “are you a boy or a girl?” I hated the question as I knew it didn’t come from a place of mere interest or curiosity. It highlighted my already uneasy feeling that I was different than other girls. Shop attendants would ask my mum, “what does your son want?” It hurt because I knew I was “supposed to be a girl.” Born into a female body, which meant I was a girl, right? Maybe. Maybe not.

I loved all the “boy things.” I hated dresses. I was a “tomboy” through and through. Eventually my mum got the message and stopped giving me dresses for birthdays. Our school decided to require uniforms, and girls had to wear skirts. I refused. I was distressed at the thought of it. Thankfully my mum spoke up for me and made me my favorite pair of trousers ever! I didn’t question everything about myself. I was competitive and challenged the boys to races, arm wrestling competitions and I also got into some fist fights. That’s just how I was. I loved that part of me. Early on, I recall only having boys as friends.

As I got a little older, into high school, my being different was not ok. I could see that. Neither was it ok to just have boys as friends. I didn’t fit anywhere, and at a time in my development when I wanted so much to belong, the impact was detrimental. Not only were the people my age around me, not like me, but the adults seemed different too. I didn’t see people like me on tv or in the news either. It wasn’t a conscious questioning but more of a visceral and environmental awareness that I didn’t fit anywhere.

My conclusion at the time: I am inherently wrong. I didn’t date in high school and ended up marrying the first person I dated, towards the end of college. A year into my marriage, I started to question my affectional orientation as that was the only thing that seemed to make sense about my “difference.” I silenced the questions to raise my children and yet my discomfort only grew stronger. It is interesting in looking back, as I tried so very hard to fit into the female mold. I tried because I was unaware of other options. Years later I broke down in my masters group therapy class, and although the words out of my mouth were that I was gay, what I was really feeling however, was that I was male, or at least not really female. I avoided that thought. I silenced it by keeping busy. With alcohol. With food. During my internship a client asked if I was androgynous. I smiled and said maybe even though, at the time, I had no idea what that meant. Then the true inquiry began.

Now at 45years old, I know I am not inherently wrong, and I know that I am not alone and there are many others who feel their bodies don’t match how they feel inside. Today I am comfortable presenting in a non-binary fashion, and yet it has taken years and years of trying to fit in to get to this point. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, disordered drinking, excessive exercise habits in the desperate attempt to hide from who I am. Thankfully, I am now comfortable with being non-binary yet there is part of me that questions whether this is yet another step in the direction of true full self-acceptance.

Being invisible growing up certainly impacted how I viewed and experienced myself, and the world around me. This very likely contributed to my mental health challenges. We need to do better, so that others can find a comfortable place within themselves sooner in their life. Imagine, if from an early age children saw and heard about “all genders.” It was the norm. There would be no societally constructed gender-binary and each person could see themselves somewhere. In seeing themselves, they could then express what feels true to them rather than trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t made for them.

Written by Krissy Moses, LMHC

Krissy is a Florida Licensed Mental Health Counselor & level 2 yoga instructor. Krissy works within a school district offering various self-care practices to staff and students and is passionate about helping support LGBTQ+ youth feel included and safe at school. Krissy mostly helps LGBTQ+ clients within their evening private practice and is constantly increasing their knowledge and skills to better support the varying needs of the LGBTQ+ population.