Understanding Trauma Bonding

Professional Resource Article

When we think of abusive relationships, we often focus on the physical violence that is inflicted upon the victim. However, other forms of abuse are just as damaging, if not more so. One such form is known as "trauma bonding." The common theme I have encountered as a clinician is the issue of the trauma bond a client has developed over time with their partner or one of their parents/main adult caretaker. Individuals with trauma bonds often present with post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms as a result of their partners' or parents' abusive behaviors over an extended period of time Trauma bonding occurs over this extended period within a relationship where one partner/parent exhibits repeated emotional abuse, which also can include physical abuse or threat of physical harm, towards the victim This article will focus mainly on the trauma bonding within a relationship between an individual who has unhealthy narcissistic behavior and their romantic partner.

So, what exactly is trauma bonding? Trauma bonding is a kind of psychological manipulation. Trauma bonding begins when the victim is provided with what appears to be extremely loving, caring, and attentive behavior by their partner There is a physical and a heightened emotional connection felt by the victim, causing the victim to feel a sense of security within the relationship This stage of the relationship is often called "love bombing ” Subsequently, the partner's behaviors change towards the victim when the victim is repeatedly exposed to a cycle of abuse (typically physical and/or emotional) by the partner, then followed by periods of positive connection of loving words, gestures, and displays of affection. This cycle of psychological manipulation may occur multiple times over a length of time. It is common to hear from victims that they know their partner is a good person, has great qualities, etc., as this is the person they fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship The victims do not want to give up on their partner because they believe their partner truly does have these positive qualities that were initially displayed and if they just hold on long enough, the partner they fell in love with will reappear and all will be wonderful once again.

Stockholm Syndrome is the terminology often confused for trauma bonding, however, the two are not quite interchangeable. The term Stockholm Syndrome is properly applied to hostage situations when danger and fear of possible loss of life were immediately present. The victims then eventually developed empathy and loyalty towards their captors. The difference between this and trauma bonding is that trauma bonding often occurs in abusive relationships or families where one’s survival or sense of self-preservation relies on their emotional connection. Trauma bonding is the result of psychological, physical, or emotional manipulation that creates an attachment to the abuser.

When someone engages in trauma bonding, they experience a range of complex emotions, including fear, confusion, guilt, shame, loyalty, and even love for their abuser. The victim begins to view their abuser as a source of protection from the world outside the relationship, leading them to feel that the abuse is worth enduring to keep the relationship intact. The result of this complex psychological manipulation is that victims often become "trapped" in their abusive relationships, feeling unable to leave even if they want to It is important to understand that the trauma bonding process is on a spectrum and every relationship will display differences in cycles of psychological manipulation.

A significant component to understanding trauma bonding is the fact that dopamine and oxytocin, which are two key hormones involved in the reward system of our brains, are linked to trauma bonding Oxytocin is released when we feel close to someone, and dopamine gives us pleasure when certain activities or situations remind us of our abuser The victim may even express how they feel "addicted" to their partner as they are unable to disconnect emotionally or physically from them The physical and emotional "addiction" is felt viscerally within the limbic system. The "addiction" to the emotional and physical connection to their partner is not logical. Victims often express a desire to completely terminate their relationship with their abusive partner and not return to them due to the multiple logical reasons they identify. However, more often than not, the victims report that a complete and final termination of the relationship is very challenging for them, and the victim may return to their partner multiple times before a final termination is successful Increased feelings of shame and guilt by the victim are common because of the resuming of the abusive relationship.

Understanding how trauma bonds form is essential in helping victims break free from these toxic relationships Here, we will continue to explore how trauma bonds are formed and the different stages involved in forming a trauma bond with a partner who displays narcissistic characteristics.

Idealization Phase

The first stage of trauma bonding is the idealization phase, where the narcissist places their partner on a pedestal, and everything seems perfect. This phase also includes what is called "love bombing".

During the idealization phase, a narcissist presents their partner with an unrealistic version of themselves The narcissist will usually make grand promises that seem too good to be true, creating false expectations of what the relationship can and will be like, often leading to disappointment down the line. This pedestal-placing display draws in the other partner, lulling them into a feeling of security as they start to believe things that aren't true about their partner or the relationship. The narcissist will use this tactic to engage in further manipulation, leading participants further into the trauma-bonding process. The love bombing that occurs within this stage is presented as a deep emotional and physical connection that may be present immediately if not quickly at the beginning of the relationship.

The Devaluation Phase

The second stage is the devaluation phase, where the narcissist starts to nitpick and find fault in their partner/victim. This can be an emotionally draining process that affects the victim's selfesteem and trustworthiness. The narcissist may also start to withdraw love and attention, leaving their partner feeling neglected The victim can then become desperate for the narcissist's love and attention, making them more vulnerable to manipulation The narcissist will continue to gain total control of the relationship by playing mind games and using guilt trips and silent treatments as a means of punishment The silent treatment behavior is often expressed by victims as one of the most difficult behaviors to receive from their partner as it causes feelings of despair and emotional pain. Human beings need attachment and connection with others. The human brain does not differentiate between emotional or physical pain. Therefore, when the silent treatment is being utilized, the victim’s feeling of pain is heightened. When there is a perception that the person’s attachment is being threatened, anxiety increases due to this fear Anxiety is felt at a visceral level due to the human need of connection and attachment for one’s overall survival.

During this phase, the narcissist may also utilize the technique of "breadcrumbing." The narcissist provides "breadcrumbs" of attention, affection, etc to the victim, which provides the victim with a false sense of security and connection, which then encourages the relationship to continue The victim's feelings of dependency on the abuser increase during this stage, as they become more desperate for validation and approval.

Discard Phase

The third stage is the discard phase, where the narcissist terminates the relationship with their partner without any explanation or warning.

The discard phase is the third stage of trauma bonding within relationships with narcissists. In this phase, the person on the receiving end of the bond will be abruptly and often cruelly discarded - without reason or warning The narcissist may even use the technique of breadcrumbing, which involves sending sporadic messages or attention to keep their victim on the hook The victim then remains hopeful and is left feeling confused because they are never given a proper explanation for why they were discarded. This can create an emotional roller coaster, leaving the victim in a state of confusion and despair. While it can feel like a cruel act at the time, a better understanding of this phase can help reduce its devastating impact as people try to heal from disentangling themselves from a toxic relationship.

After the discard phase, a narcissist may engage their victim in what is called the hoovering phase The hoovering phase is where the narcissist tries to come back into their partner's life after they've been discarded. This does not occur in every relationship with a narcissist; however, it is important to be aware of this tactic in order to increase one’s awareness.

The hoovering phase is a critical part of making and maintaining the trauma bond between narcissists and their partners Here, the narcissist will use manipulative tactics to attempt to regain control over their victim's life, prompting them to reconnect despite any damage caused by previous behavior. During this stage of the cycle, emotions are often raw, and boundaries become blurred. The narcissist may try to woo their partner back with grand gestures and false promises, making them believe that this time will be different. The victim is then left feeling confused and powerless in the face of these tactics, often leading them to fall back into old patterns of behavior. The cycle can then start again, leading to an ongoing cycle of manipulation and emotional abuse. The cycle can occur multiple times over many years, and it is important to remember that the victim is not to blame for the cycle of abuse.

From an outsider's perspective, terminating the relationship would seem an obvious response to a person being emotionally and/or physically abused. Understanding the reward system of our brains can help those who love and support the victim. Unfortunately, victims feel shame and judgment from others who do not understand the trauma bond they have developed This increases the potential of the victim isolating themselves from the outside support they are very much in need of.

The crucial step of recovery for the victim is achieving radical acceptance. Radical acceptance involves the understanding that the narcissist will not change. It can be confusing when the narcissist does show intermittent behaviors conducive to the belief that they have changed. However, this change is not permanent. The narcissist is unable to maintain this level of changed behavior. There is a grieving component with radical acceptance. It is encouraged that the victim acknowledges their grief to facilitate the healing process

It is important to understand the stages of trauma bonding so that an individual is able to recognize when it's happening in their own relationships. If you ' re able to identify the signs early on, you might be able to avoid getting too deep into a relationship with a narcissist or avoid getting into situations where a trauma bond may form. And if you ' ve already formed a trauma bond with someone, understanding the steps can help you start to heal and move on.

Victims of trauma bonding are encouraged to increase their self-compassion during this time. Breaking trauma bonds can often be a slow and difficult process. But it is possible to terminate an unhealthy relationship with someone you have formed a trauma bond with. Victims need to have the right understanding, a support system, and increased self-care.

Recognizing when a trauma bond is present in your relationships can help you avoid getting into situations where one may form and actively work on breaking those that already exist. It is possible to break trauma bonds and begin to rebuild healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Ultimately, understanding why victims stay in relationships with their abusers is key to helping them break free and begin the process of healing Understanding how trauma bonds form can help those who love and support the victim to provide empathy, compassion, validation, support, and resources that will assist victims in reclaiming their lives Through ongoing education and awareness, we can provide necessary resources to those affected by abuse With a better grasp on the psychological mechanism involved in forming a trauma bond with an abuser, we can work towards breaking its power and creating lasting change for those affected by this cycle of violence.

If you or someone you know has been a victim of trauma bonding, there is help! A licensed mental health clinician can provide support, psychoeducation, and specific therapeutic interventions to aid the victim in the healing process.

Written By: Renee Cherowitz, LMHC

Renee RC Counseling in Winter Park, Florida, is a clinical qualified supervisor, clinical hypnotherapist, and an adoption competency therapist Renee is trained in EMDR and is a Master A R T therapist specializing in working complex trauma (C-PTSD), PTSD, victims of narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, addiction, and eating disorders Renee is a public speaker and provides continuing education presentations for community events and mental health groups Renee is also a member of FMHCA and ISSTD