We're Languishing with Anger on Autopilot

Professional Experience Article

The world is angry at the moment. A statement that, while penning it, causes a physical pressure in my chest and a wave of sorrow and maybe a small sting of defeat. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, my entire focus is on supporting others in identifying and working with feelings, so this is a difficult one to candidly acknowledge. The world is mad, cross, furious, outraged. You only need to spend some time amidst morning rush hour traffic to realize that. Yes, perhaps that frustration was always there bubbling under the surface, boiling over only in moments where the emotion was warranted; however, it no longer seems as temporary or subtle as it once was Frustration tolerance has become a thing of the past and, at least from my experience, it certainly seems that anger is more frequent and significantly more intense than ever before This red-hot emotion seems to be the overruling, automatic response to anything from mildly-frustrating situations to overwhelming, all-consuming provocation. And I’m certainly seeing with both the clients I serve and the general population around me. Perhaps you’re observing something similar?

I’ve spent some time considering this point: why does this anger feel the need to make itself known? How is it serving us? Why is this our default emotional response as a society right now? It’s an uncomfortable one to experience – so it’s not necessarily in our best interests to gravitate toward that emotion. What is happening that makes those angry responses acceptable, while also continuing to encourage and reinforce them?

Well, let’s consider the emotion first and foremost. What is anger? Yes, it’s an intense emotional reaction, but I’ve found that it’s one that rarely seems to occur alone. I like to think of it as a protective force. It’s the “security guard” feeling that seems to step in to protect the vulnerability of another, more sensitive emotion That vulnerable emotion, typically a more charged feeling linked to a number of other factors, that requires introspection, reflection and conscious decision to understand, process and overcome it It's the hurt, abandonment, selfesteem, love, loss, trauma, neglect, value that sits deep in our souls and psyches Essentially, that underlying feeling is one that requires effort and work. Something that, after the last few years of turmoil and trauma, not many of us feel strong or capable enough to commit to. The chronic state of languishing that we continue to find ourselves in seems to stand in our way and interrupt our ability to move beyond this state of stagnation and mental fog. This term, to languish, gained worldwide awareness during the pandemic and captures the mental and emotional numbness that the world seems to be experiencing. It’s not the absence of joy – we can still feel that. It’s not quite depression – we’re managing and okay. But it’s dull, distracted, dreary Hanging in there; holding on; keeping our heads above water The little emotional and mental capacity we have is dedicated to maintaining our work-life responsibilities and leaves us without much leftover to dedicate to other spheres of life, let alone the work needed for introspection and motivation And this overall sense of inaction and reduced drive and determination means we’re left feeling stuck in a rut, blah, surviving. And therein lies our need for anger.

Anger is an action emotion It is a protective force; it prioritizes action It allows the vulnerable emotions to go unnoticed When we address the anger, we create change in some way Even if that change is conflict and chaos, it’s immediate, responsive, effective. We finally see an outcome for our efforts. Because through the lens of languishing, reinforced by years of challenges and trauma where decisions were made by others and control was removed from our lives, our efforts don’t feel as though they amount to much Whereas anger is different It provides that immediate gratification, that satisfaction, that cause and effect response that we crave We finally have the ability to influence our world again through our words and actions The problem is, the easiest way to do so has become using this big bully emotion, and we continue to avoid the underlying vulnerable feelings that take time and work and effort. We look to anger to create conflict. When really, we should aim to address the underlying feelings to create connection.

And so, the resolution for anger becomes just that – one of social support and coping skills to fully regulate the nervous system To create calm Because through this calm, our brains and bodies feel safer and more willing to engage with the discomfort, the vulnerable, those bigger, overwhelming underlying feelings We can start to peel back the layers of anger that protects us. The anger that has built up to serve as our driving force for the years of inaction and helplessness we experienced. We can draw strength from this brain-body regulation to then navigate those sensitive, charged feelings and start to navigate and overcome them. Unpack the hurt, the trauma, the loss that the last few years have entailed. And in highlighting this autopilot response toward anger, we can start to recognize how much we need connection over conflict.

Anger may be an autopilot reaction in response to this souldestroying state of languishing we’ve endured However, it’s time to hand over the controls to our true emotional selves once again To reconnect with our human-ness To establish connections with others And to use anger only in those moments where it is warranted Let’s move into the new year aware of the role that anger played in surviving the trials, tribulations and traumas of the last few years. But let’s make a conscious decision to commit to connection over conflict and allow our true feelings to be experienced once more. It’s time to turn off autopilot and regain control of our emotions. After all, the wonder in life truly is our ability to connect and to feel.

Written By: Tyne Potgieter, LMHC, NCC, CCMHC

Tyne Potgieter has a Master of Science in Clinical Counseling Psychology and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), National Certified Counselor (NCC) and Certified Clinical Mental Health Counselor (CCMHC) She practices as a Child and Family Mental Health therapist with a focus on trauma, biopsychosocial development, neurobiology and mindfulness and is published in EMDR with Children in the Play Therapy Room: An Integrated Approach on creative bilateral stimulation interventions for administering EMDR for children.