WEIRD WILD STUFF

Words by Shelton Hull

April Fools’ Day will have come and gone by the time you read this. We deliberately waited to file this column until afterwards, just in case anything interesting came up on that particular day. And that is exactly what happened. So, in lieu of the usual smorgasbord of shenanigans, to which we shall return next week, let’s binge on the rampant creativity of our fellow folks.

Most media outlets and regular runes on social media seem to agree that the world has gone so crazy in recent years that April Fools’ Day seems almost redundant. There is a noticeable decline in what had long been one of the great traditions in American media. Without fail, every single outlet fell well short of their usual AFD standards, except our pal Jana “Earth” Angel of River City Live, who struggled to announce the sudden departure of co-host Rance Adams. She struggled, that is, because she was lying, which comes much less easy to her than it does to, say, everyone on CNN.

Rosetta Stone and Fluent announced a new translation app designed specifically for stoners, which would’ve been very useful for researching Folio Weed. The name, of course, is Rosetta Stoned, and you know we’d be mighty perturbed to see such a fantastic pun bypassed. Likewise, infant supply firm BabyQuip announced a similar product marketed to parents who want to converse with their babies. These two fake technologies would, if used together, surely result in tremendous content.

(By the way, the Florida Supreme Court approved the ballot initiative for what will henceforth be known as Amendment 3, which will fully legalize recreational marijuana. But the fateful ruling happened on April 1, so many folks thought it was a joke, because usually they just do whatever stupid, hateful bullshit the governor tells them to do. But it’s true!)

The Lids sportswear company announced their new 59fifty collection of nobrim baseball caps, which is dumb because the brim is the most important part of the hat.

The website WWF Old School announced that disgraced former WWE chairman Vince McMahon will be returning to the company he founded, just in time for WrestleMania XL, which of course came and went with nary a mention of him, because he will never be seen or even mentioned on WWE programming ever again. Until he dies, at least, and probably not even then.

Social media influencer and shockingly proficient pro-wrestler Logan Paul unveiled a new flavor of his Prime Energy, which is so good that you should

drink it, even if you hate him — and if you do hate him, we totally understand. The new fake flavor is “fried chicken”, but it’s really no more ridiculous that some of these weird novelty sodas that turn stomachs across the internet. Speaking of which 7-11, in collab with Miracle Seltzer, announced the release of their newest flavor: hot dog water with ketchup and mustard. It sounds terrible, but very real versions of this can be found online from other brands. Also, Pringle announced a collab with OLIPOP to release a Sour Cream & Onion flavored soda, which is truly no worse than similar products that were really introduced by Doritos and even Peeps. Even Moe’s, such normally sensible folks, announced the release (in every sense of the word) of their new Queso Slush, which is just evil.

Speaking of food, Dole announced a new banana peel sleeping bag, made from real banana fibers. It’s shocking that this isn’t already a real product!

Scientists at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium announced the discovery of “Elephas manatus,” a species of manatee previously thought extinct. “This unique species is a descendent of the elephant, with retained elephant-like features such as tusks and large flapping ears. This mammal descended from a group of common ancestors known as Tethytheria. These early hoofed mammals lived during the early Cenozoic age.” They, being scientists, were able to lie so skilfully that most people took that nonsense at face value, so they had to circle back to make sure we weren’t taking them seriously. Of, course, as Floridians, we never take scientists seriously.

For our money, nobody does pranks as well as the police, especially when they have a warrant. The Brook Park Police Department in Ohio, announced the formation of its all-feline unit — which, if you know cats, is surely the dumbest idea of all the ones listed here.

Here’s something similar, that is actually real: Our beloved Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp are known for their monthly “Forever Vets Animal Hospital Canines and Crustaceans (Dog Day)” at 121 Financial Ballpark, which is truly a thing to behold, verily. (The next one is on Sunday, April 21.) They’re doubling down this season by adding a new feature, “Purr in the Park.” How does that work? We do not know, but we are here for all of it.

Also, Donald Trump is selling personalized Bibles to help raise money to either pay off court costs or to run for president, maybe both. If you don’t think that’s funny (which we certainly do), it’s probably because this is actually real!