COMBINED MINDS- HOW NOT TO GET OVER A BREAKUP

Words by Ambar Ramirez and Carmen Macri

CARMEN: We’ve all been there. Some more recently than others. Don’t you wish there was a book that tells you exactly what to do after a breakup?

AMBAR: Or a book that tells you exactly what not to do? Yeah, well, us too.

CARMEN: For starters, when your ex says they want to go no contact… maybe go no contact, yeah?

AMBAR: When they say they need space, they aren’t talking about UFOs and stars. They quite literally mean detachment … from you. Harsh, I know.

CARMEN: So, without further adieu, here is your official, unofficial book on what not to do during a breakup. We have the credentials needed, don’t worry.

AMBAR: Do. Not. Text. Them. Do not call them. In fact, unfollow them on all social media apps.

CARMEN: It may seem a bit aggressive to unfollow or even block an ex on social media, especially if the relationship didn’t end hostile. But believe me, there is no reason you need to stay updated on your ex. You will drive your self mad checking their stories, followers and following list. Take it from me. I knew the second my ex followed someone new and could find them in .05 seconds. Did absolutely nothing good for my mental stability.

AMBAR: Exactly. Not only are you doing this for yourself, but they lose a fol lower and look like a loser.

CARMEN: Out of sight out of mind.

AMBAR: Running it back to no contact, it is super important, especially at the beginning of a break-up, to go no contact. Think of it as an addiction — you need to sweat it out for a couple of weeks to break it.

CARMEN: It will suck like nothing has ever sucked before. But after the first month, you will stop needing to scratch the itch of talking to them. It’ll lessen every day.

AMBAR: As they say, no pain no gain.

CARMEN: So, DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT. Leave them alone. Your drunk texting and calling every weekend is only ruining your image.

AMBAR: Don’t post sad quotes to your stories. Don’t post Taylor Swift lyrics. Don’t all of a sudden have a huge social media presence if you hardly had one while dating because guess what? They will see right through it. They will know you are doing it for them and them only. And guess what again? That’s embarrassing.

CARMEN: We are moving in silence. There is NOTHING an ex hates more than having to guess what you are up to. No stories for a month, no posts, no sad song lyrics. Nothing. For all they know you are out having the time of your life. They do NOT need to know you are rotting away in bed watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” for the 15th time. Go radio silent and then pop up in a month or two thriving in Italy.

AMBAR: Don’t tell them how they hurt you. They already know.

CARMEN: You are beating a dead horse by trying to make them see how badly you are hurt. They don’t care. It changes nothing.

AMBAR: Don’t sign up for a dating app just to see if they are on said dating app. I’m looking at you, Carmen.

CARMEN: A short lapse of judgment. I said I had the credentials, didn’t I? Do as I say, not as I do.

AMBAR: Under no circumstances should you try to make them jealous. Do NOT reach out to their friends to find out which bar they are going to be at that night to orchestrate a silly little run-in. Again, looking directly at you, Carmen. If you are going on dates, there is no need to post about it. The best way to get at an ex is for them to hear it by word of mouth.

CARMEN: I can’t help it if THEY text ME. Again, do as I say, not as I do.

AMBAR: If this wasn’t a no-brainer … unshare your location and stop following them. It will do you no good stalking their every movement. You are not in the FBI.

CARMEN: If you suspect they may be moving on with someone new, do not start stalking the new victim. You will look insane, and it’ll only be a fun new inside joke between the two of them.

AMBAR: Essentially, you are a ghost. You cannot be found. You changed your name, got a new hairstyle and are living in Alaska.

TERESA: Good advice, ladies, but one more thing. No matter what they say or do, even if it’s a sad sob story about how much they miss you — especially if it’s a late-night call/invite where they might be intoxicated and are asking for some conversation only — it’s a trick. It’s really just a booty call, no doubt. So never, ever, ever meet them for a casual hook-up after the breakup. That’s giving them cake and literally letting them eat it too. “ NO CAKE FOR YOU” is the rule for getting over the breakup too.