Folio Weekly 06/25/14 by Folio Weekly

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2 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

CONTENTS //

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 • VOLUME 28 • NUMBER 13

A ROARING FAILURE

19 MAIL FIGHTIN’ WORDS NEWS COVER STORY

4 4 6 8

OUR PICKS MUSIC THE KNIFE MOVIES

12 14 16 19

MAGIC LANTERNS COMEDY DINING BITE-SIZED

14 22 23 25 26

ASTROLOGY WEIRD I SAW U CROSSWORD

28 29 30 31

Cover Design: Shan Stumpf. Photos by Dennis Ho PUBLISHER • Sam Taylor staylor@folioweekly.com / 904.260.9770 ext. 111

EDITORIAL

EDITOR • Jeffrey C. Billman jbillman@folioweekly.com / ext. 115 SENIOR EDITOR • Marlene Dryden mdryden@folioweekly.com / ext. 131 A&E EDITOR • David Johnson djohnson@folioweekly.com / ext. 128 WRITERS-AT-LARGE Susan Cooper Eastman seastman@folioweekly.com Derek Kinner dkinner@folioweekly.com CARTOONIST • Tom Tomorrow CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Rob Brezsny, Daniel A. Brown, John E. Citrone, Julie Delegal, AG Gancarski, Nicholas Garnett, Claire Goforth, Janet Harper, Dan Hudak, Shelton Hull, MaryAnn Johanson, Amanda Long, Heather Lovejoy, Nick McGregor, Cameron Meier, Jeff Meyers, Kara Pound, Merl Reagle, Scott Renshaw, Carley Robinson, Chuck Shepherd, Melody Taylor and Abigail Wright

VIDEOGRAPHER • Doug Lewis EDITORIAL INTERNS • Audreyonna Banks, Michaela Gugliotta and Amber Lake

DESIGN

ART DIRECTOR • Shan Stumpf sstumpf@folioweekly.com / ext. 116 SENIOR GRAPHIC DESIGNER • Dana Fasano dfasano@folioweekly.com / ext. 117 GRAPHIC DESIGNER • Allison Walsh awalsh@folioweekly.com / ext. 117 PHOTOGRAPHER • Dennis Ho dho@folioweekly.com / ext. 122 DESIGN INTERNS • Victoria Bona and Taylor Doran

BUSINESS & ADMINISTRATION BUSINESS MANAGER • Cherish Kelly fpiadmin@folioweekly.com / ext. 119 VICE PRESIDENT • T. Farrar Martin fmartin@folioweekly.com

EDITOR’S NOTE

DISTRIBUTION

Bobby Pendexter / cosmicdistributions@gmail.com

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Folio Weekly is published every Wednesday throughout Northeast Florida. It contains opinions of contributing writers that are not necessarily the opinion of this publication. Folio Weekly welcomes both editorial and photographic contributions. Calendar information must be received two weeks in advance of event date. Copyright © Folio Publishing, Inc. 2014. All rights reserved. Advertising rates and information are available on request. An advertiser purchases right of publication only. One free copy per person. Additional copies and back issues are $1 each at the office or $4 by U.S. mail, based on availability. First Class mail subscriptions are $48 for 13 weeks, $96 for 26 weeks and $189 for 52 weeks. Please recycle Folio Weekly. Folio Weekly is printed on recycled paper using soy-based inks. 27,000 press run. Audited weekly readership 111,191.

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I’ll confess that when I moved here back in December, I didn’t expect much of our newspaper of record. I knew that the TimesUnion, like every paper everywhere, had fallen victim to shrinking news holes and budgets. I knew that its sister paper, the St. Augustine Record, had recently beclowned itself, first by getting scooped on a major cops-behaving-questionably story in its own backyard, then by bizarrely criticizing The New York Times for doing the scooping. And I knew that both papers were owned by Morris Communications, an outfit that made no bones about its Christian-conservative worldview — and papers run by organizations devoted to right-wing agitprop are seldom worth a damn. I knew as well that the T-U’s editorial page, under former editorial page editor Lloyd Brown, had been proudly to the right of Attila the Hun, raging against opponents of the Iraq war and telling us that slavery wasn’t that big a deal [Cover Story, “Falling Down,” Billee Bussard, Oct. 12, 2004]. So my expectations were low. But I’m happy to say that I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find a paper that, as frequently as not, punches above its weight, particularly on local issues. The reporting is generally solid. The writing is occasionally good. Editor Frank Denton’s commitment to government transparency is exemplary. And the editorial page, while hardly a bastion of hippiedom, has apparently toned down the crazy. Complain all you want, but, all in all, you’ve got a pretty decent daily newspaper. And so I can only imagine the collective groan last week from the T-U’s newsroom when Gawker writer Hamilton Nolan — a former Folio Weekly contributor — reported on Morris’ latest effort to reach The Kids, a “crappy little Tumblr with more right-wing bullshit” (Nolan’s words) called Roar (which stands for the Renaissance of American Responsibility), a “multimedia project of Morris Communications” that will advocate for “individual freedom and responsibility” and “constitutional principles.” Michael Ryan, Roar’s executive director (as well as the editorial page editor for the Morris-owned Augusta Chronicle, which just this weekend was making the completely sane argument that the Obama administration is trying to flood the country with illegal immigrants to intentionally create a humanitarian crisis, or something), took umbrage with Nolan’s description: “One critic dismissively predicted a ‘right-wing’ site,” he wrote last week. “Why? Because we believe in freedom? Personal responsibility? Property rights? Self-reliance, tempered with oldfashioned compassion and brotherhood?” Maybe — just a thought — because the site’s very first post opened with this question: “How can Republicans have such a terrific product — freedom, capitalism, limited government, growth and prosperity — and yet have such an awful brand?” (The answer is that Republicans aren’t sufficiently conservative.) Morris is advertising for a social media manager for the site, though I’d recommend against applying: Mark my words, this little experiment will be relegated to the ash heap of failure by year’s end. In fact, if it does anything, Roar’s exercise in propaganda will only undercut the reputations its parent company’s newspapers have worked so hard to build. If I were at the T-U, I’d be pissed about that. Jeffrey C. Billman twitter/jeffreybillman jbillman@folioweekly.com

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 3

MAIL

An Amoral Society

Crime statistics are like unemployment statistics. The numbers might look better, but that doesn’t mean everyone is doing better. Statistics (like polls) can sometimes be bent to prove almost any point. However, 50 homicides in less than six months can hardly be bent at all [Cover Story, “Murder in the River City,” Derek Kinner, June 18]. The big question is, why do people kill other people at all? Is our society becoming so amoral that this has become “normal” behavior? That’s a scary thought. Should I now worry about throwing a big party and not allowing a guest to take home all the food out of fear of being killed? Can I move my car without getting shot over a parking space? Should I let my roommate dictate living arrangements because I’d rather have a place to sleep than be killed for wanting to sleep somewhere else? The closest homicide to my home was a case of mistaken identity, but one look at page 9’s map causes me to wonder if there is any safe place to go in Jacksonville. I won’t stay home, but I will be more cautious any place I go. I don’t own a gun, likely never will, but I can certainly see why many people would buy one. I picked most of the examples at random. Anger and hatred are usually the driving forces behind homicides involving passion. I’d like to believe few people ever plan to kill another human or even themselves. Anger and hatred may lead to hasty decisions, yet homicide isn’t something most people consider even then. For some, something just clicks in their heads and it happens. Is there rhyme or reason? Personally, I believe we live in a society that is becoming increasingly amoral. Why do I think that? Some people will break rules and laws when they realize there’s little or no enforcement. They’ll get away with it. These people lack the morality to do the right things. More enforcement isn’t the answer. The horse is already out of the barn. James Couch

Despise That Loser

The “Win the War on Coal” editorial [Editor’s Note, Jeffrey C. Billman, June 11] was outstanding. I loved every word. I did not know Rick Scott repealed a greenhouse gas law. That gives me another reason to despise that loser. I agree there is no leadership in Tallahassee, but there’s even less concern and interest among Floridians. Most of the people in my apartment complex refuse to recycle, and the energy waste at my place of 4 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

employment is off the charts. They are Rush Limbaugh ditto-heads. Tom Louderback

More, Please

First, let me express my compliments for your exposure of this story and the apparent length to which you went to report it [Cover Story, “Trial by Fire,” Susan Cooper Eastman, May 28]. I just read your article and had no idea that the apparent environment is as reported. To classify the status with the Jacksonville Fire & Rescue Department as disgusting would be an understatement. My purpose in my email is to encourage you to stay on this story and to also see what can be done to try to improve the bias that exists. One question I hope you’ll ask if you get a chance with any of the self-righteous chosen is: If a member of your family were ever in an emergency situation and needed to be rescued, do you think the person in need is looking for a white or black lifesaver or just anyone who could save them? Marshall Haas

CORRECTIONS Due to our misinterpretation of documents provided by the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office, last week’s cover story [“Murder in the River City,” Derek Kinner] misstated the dispositions of four homicide cases. The cases involving William Laird, whom we said was listed as a suspect in the death of Ronald Gregory; Antwann Hogan, whom we said was charged with the killing of Ronald Morris; Danielle Mystkowski, whom we said was arrested for killing Garrette McCoy; and Jodey Vining, whom we said was charged with murder in the death of Cecil Scalf, have all been ruled justifiable homicides. We regret the errors. Also, in Khristoper J. Brooks’ news story “Skewed Priorities?” last week, we described the public meeting in which Florida State College at Jacksonville awarded raises to two dozen administrators as “little-noticed.” This referred to the amount of attention the meeting had received, and was not meant to insinuate that FSCJ had conducted the meeting in secret. Also, spokeswoman Jill Johnson says she did not comment on faculty salaries only because they are part of ongoing contract negotiations. If you would like to respond to something that appeared in Folio Weekly, please send an email with your address and phone number (for verification purposes only) to mail@folioweekly.com.

FIGHTIN’ WORDS

AForMAN WITHOUT PRINCIPLE all the heat Charlie Crist takes for his shameless shapeshifting, Rick Scott is hardly better

he Florida governor’s election is four months off, and already polls show that the race is, as Dan Rather would say, “tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach” — within the margin of error, both Charlie Crist and Rick Scott trudging along in the low-40s nether region of political popularity. This is not at all surprising. There are many more similarities than differences between Scott and Crist. For all the criticism Crist got about his Republican act — and subsequent repudiation thereof — Scott’s play this election season is just as cynical. He’s serving up some concessions to his party’s wingnuts, then selling them out on other issues, with every move driven by political considerations rather than core beliefs. One such gambit: extending in-state tuition at state colleges and universities to children of illegal immigrants, a complete reversal of his earlier position. The governor’s office has been mum on the philosophical evolution behind the shift — assuming one exists — with Scott and the other Republicans who flipped instead issuing bromides about affordable access to higher education, dodging the immigration debate altogether in their official statements. But not everyone in the GOP, which has made so much hay these last few years hating on undocumented immigrants, is falling in line. State Sen. Aaron Bean, R-Fernandina Beach, had this to say in the debate leading up to the bill’s passage: “I know it feels good giving benefits away. We are giving so many benefits to non-citizens. … Does it matter even being an American citizen anymore?” It’s quite likely that the Rick Scott of four years ago — the one who campaigned as a Tea Party champion — would, like Bean, have castigated a sitting governor for such a reversal. Especially the same sitting governor who pledged as a candidate to crack down on illegal immigration, and who just last June vetoed a bill that would’ve given drivers’ licenses to illegal immigrants. If Scott had faced a primary challenge

like what Eric Cantor faced in Virginia, he wouldn’t have had the room to “evolve.” Luckily for him, he doesn’t have to mollify the right vis-à-vis Hispanic outreach. Where else are the xenophobic yahoos going to go? Scott can moderate on immigration to court South Florida, but he still has to prove his culture warrior bona fides somewhere, by taking at least one atavistic and odious position. And what better place to take that stand than in the wombs of Florida women, with a draconian new abortion law signed on Friday the 13th? The state’s previous third-trimester abortion ban wasn’t enough for Republicans; they established a new criterion: if a doctor determines that the baby could survive outside the womb, the pregnancy must be carried to term. The new law goes into effect July 1, and it likely will accomplish little beyond complicating the lives of the women who become pregnant. It may curb the number of abortions, assuming doctors want to do Tallahassee’s dirty work. (Though not many: Only about 1 percent of abortions are performed after the 20th week of pregnancy.) It will not, however, ensure that those children brought to term will be raised in loving environments, or will be given what they need to succeed when they become adults. Then again, the postpartum welfare of these fetuses is not Scott’s problem. His concern is keeping the loud voices on the right quiet during his re-election campaign by throwing them some red meat. What is clear is that whatever commitment Governor Rick Scott has to any position is driven by whichever election he faces at the time, much more so than ideological considerations. Thus, anything this governor says (much like his opponent) should be considered a position open to evolution should events dictate. Rick Scott is not an ideologue. He’s just another poll-driven politician — the kind Floridians love.

What better way to mollify the right than with a new draconian abortion law, signed on Friday the 13th?

AG Gancarski twitter/aggancarski mail@folioweekly.com

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 5

NEWS

ANATOMY OF A SCREW-UP How Action News’ website (accidentally) labeled a competitor’s weatherman a sex offender

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all it outsourcing at its worst. It started last Monday with a huge photo of celebrity-status Jacksonville weatherman Tim Deegan above the headline, “Florida man kept three women as sex slaves, police say.” The story, posted on Action News’ website, was accurate, but the photo was wrong — very, very wrong. The alleged sex-slavekeeper was in fact another Timothy Deegan, a 53-year-old certified public accountant who lives in Gainesville. But it was the 54-year-old First Coast News meteorologist whose picture adorned the story. It didn’t take long for the conspiracy theories to sprout like weeds on social media: “Action News should be the source from which apologies should be flowing,” one representative Facebook poster wrote. “It is inconceivable to believe that the local Fox affiliate did not recognize the photo they ‘accidently’ published and knew it was the wrong person.” That story originated in the Gainesville Sun and had been circulated by the Associated Press, but only Action News ran the wrong photo — a fact that fueled the speculation:

of a jail cell — and a correction apologizing for Inergize’s mistake. The erroneous photo was up for less than 15 minutes, Longo says. But in the Internet age, the damage was already done. People on social media pages immediately reposted the story with meteorologist Deegan’s photo, and it was out there, in the ether, forever. “This is a horribly unfortunate error,” Longo told Folio Weekly last Wednesday. “What happened two days ago, it’s the way most TV and newspapers and business organizations work these days,” referring to the use of outside contractors. Longo says his staff covers all local news stories, but Action News used Inergize Digital for some out-of-town stories. He adds that his network had even covered the Gainesville sex-slave case a week earlier, and had reported the story accurately. “Everybody feels horrible about it. You can’t take it back,” Longo says. “All you can do is fix the error as quickly as possible.” Inergize, which describes itself on its website as “a comprehensive ecosystem for branding, providing content and delivering revenue for media companies,” took full

a typica

This image, which popped up in Facebook feeds all over town last week, pictures the wrong Timothy Deegan.

Perhaps Action News, which itself recently made headlines for unloading several anchors after hitting the local ratings basement [Fightin’ Words, “The Bloodletting,” AG Gancarski, June 11], was having some fun with its competition — or maybe worse. But that wasn’t remotely the case, says Action News news director Bob Longo. Nobody in-house touched that post before it went live. Instead, the article was posted directly to Action News’ website by an out-ofstate content provider, Inergize Digital, with whom the local TV station had contracted. The mistake apparently happened because Inergize searched public records for a Timothy Deegan. The mug shot of Jacksonville’s Deegan was on file because of his Nov. 2 arrest for DUI (a crime that tends to garner considerably less public approbation than trafficking in sex). The story was posted on Monday, June 16, between 2 and 2:30 p.m., when the station’s staff was in planning meetings and between newscasts. The station received a quick notification from a reader about the error, and staff immediately went to work to fix it, Longo says. (The photo was not broadcast on air). To do so, however, they had to go through Inergize, the Minnesota-based company that posted the photo. After Action News personnel contacted Inergize, Deegan’s photograph was replaced with a stock photo 6 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

responsibility for the mistake, according to the correction. Action News ended its relationship with Inergize at 3 p.m. on Wednesday, almost exactly 48 hours after the screw-up, though Longo says the change had been planned well before then. No one at Inergize Digital returned phone calls seeking comment. In the aftermath, there are no hard feelings between the local news networks. Spokesmen for both attributed it to the hazards of outsourcing and the inevitable errors that occur in journalism. (FCN’s Deegan did not return phone calls.) Longo says the station has done everything possible to resolve the mess. Once the error was corrected, Longo got on the phone to FCN general manager Eric Land and profusely apologized. Longo says he also called Deegan directly and left a message. Land, in turn, says news director Longo showed responsibility in the way he handled the situation. “It’s unfortunate that errors happen in the news business and it’s important to recognize errors and correct them immediately,” Land says. “What I’d say is that they reacted appropriately when they discovered that an error was made, and we appreciate that level of class that they exhibited by calling to apologize.” Derek Kinner dkinner@folioweekly.com

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 7

Extremely J

LOUD & Incredibly CLOSE Behind the scenes as JACKSONVILLE’S WINNINGEST FRANCHISE tries to rally down the homestretch by David Johnson

8 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

Photos by Dennis Ho

eff Bouchy is frustrated. No denying that. The Jacksonville Sharks owner’s players are frustrated, too. It’s palpable — and understandable. The Sharks’ 2014 season has been one of stinging defeats, bad bounces, injuries, personal trials. They’ve endured it all. It’s a hot day in early June, and Bouchy, who turns 49 on June 27, paces the well-kept practice field the team uses at a country club near the University of North Florida, searching for answers. He knows this squad is one of the most talented in the Arena Football League — better than the team that won the division title last year, in fact — but what he knows hasn’t shown up on the field. The Sharks are 3-7, with a critical home game looming against the Spokane Shock. The owner of three ArenaBowl championship rings — one from Jacksonville’s 2011 season and two as a minority owner with the Orlando Predators — Bouchy knows a winner when he sees one. And he sees one. But things just haven’t gone his way. “We have a great mix,” Bouchy says. “That’s why I don’t understand it.” Take the recent loss to rival Orlando Predators. After letting a nine-point lead slip away, all kicker Fabrizio Scaccia needed to do was kick the ball out of bounds so that the Sharks could force overtime. Instead, more than 9,400 normally raucous fans were silenced as the Predators fielded the kick in the end zone and returned it 51 yards for a last-second game-winning score. It’s been that kind of year. “I’m tired of losing!” yells defensive lineman Jerry Turner, a 6-foot-3-inch, 265-pound Goliath of a man, an eight-year AFL veteran and second-team all-Arena player in 2013, his voice rising above the cacophony of a trash-talking scrum that’s erupted at practice. Looking on, Bouchy is pleased to see someone trying to create a spark, someone trying, through sheer force of will, to pull his team out of its malaise. This is the energy, the determination, they need right now. After practice, the players echo the owner’s admixture of frustration and optimism, mostly in that football-clichéd language of “one game at a time.” Despite their record, the Sharks head into the Spokane contest only two-and-a-half games back in the South Division. “The time is now,” defensive back Terrance Smith says. “We can’t wait until next week anymore. It’s a disgusting taste in our mouths, and we’re going to get rid of it.” The Sharks’ defense backed up his bravado two days later. To fully appreciate what they accomplished, let’s remember that AFL rules are written to promote scoring (and thus entertainment): The game is played 8-on-8 (instead of 11-on11, as in the NFL), the distance from end zone to end zone is 50 yards (not 100), forward motion by a player prior to the snap is allowed (and therefore encouraged), a forward pass that rebounds off the sideline barriers or net is live. But against the Shock, the Sharks put on one of the most thorough defensive clinics the league has ever seen, holding Spokane scoreless in the second half and winning on a extraordinarily rare (for arena football) goalline stand. The Sharks’ 34-28 victory belied usual AFL box scores; twice this season the Sharks have scored more than 60 points and still lost. It’s been that kind of year, too — full of glimmers of greatness. “No team will want to face us in the playoffs — I guarantee that,” Bouchy says. They’ll have to get there first.

Jeff Bouchy (front), with Vince Neil (left), whom Bouchy added to his ownership group in May.

f you think about it, the AFL is like the ’80s glam metal of football: fast, furious, frivolous — think Quiet Riot to the NFL’s London Philharmonic. Or maybe it’s the Hulkamaniaera WWF to the NFL’s Olympic Greco-Roman wrestling. The same thing, but different. One is, by every available measure, better — more technically proficient, more talented, more complex, more expensive — but if you’re looking for a party, sometimes better isn’t. So it isn’t surprising that the AFL has been, since the Sharks began play in 2010, an enormous success story in Jacksonville. (It also makes perfect sense that Bouchy — who, appropriately enough, loves ’80s metal — added Mötley Crüe’s Vince Neil to his ownership group in May.) The Sharks are consistently one of the AFL’s biggest draws, ranking fourth this year in attendance. They’ve also been one of the league’s (and the city’s) best franchises, claiming a division title every year of their existence and winning the ArenaBowl in 2011. (The Jaguars, by contrast, have won their division twice in 19 seasons, and never reached the Super Bowl.) This being the AFL, however, winning is only part of the equation. Like a Crüe show, it’s really about atmosphere. In Bouchy’s words, “You want the experience to be like drinking water from a fire hose.” At Sea Best Field, you can spot Smith high-fiving front-row fanatics in between plays. Touchdown dances are encouraged, not penalized (see Jomo Wilson’s “Yes! Yes! Yes!” celebration, borrowed from the WWE’s Daniel Bryan) — and because teams score a lot, this happens with some frequency. You’ll see pass-happy offenses (usually) on fire, and the fans kept cool in an air-conditioned arena LeBron James would love. Or you might be distracted by the Sharks’ Attack Dance Team in skimpy outfits or superhero costumes. It’s all part of the show, as much as the game itself. In the AFL, success is measured less by wins than by whether you’re having a good time. Unless you’re on that field, that is.

ours before the Sharks suited up against the Predators on May 17 — the game that ended with that heartbreaking lastminute kick return for a touchdown — star wide receiver London Crawford’s 3-month-old son Cooper died. Crawford played anyway. “It was real tough for me. I felt it would have been tougher to be at home,” Crawford explains. “To have my teammates behind me, having Coach [Les] Moss to be there to see his emotion, playing for my team, for my kid, it was important to be there.” (Crawford suffered a torn patella tendon the following week and was placed on injured reserve.)

“Football is just insignificant when it comes to life matters like that,” Bouchy says. That doesn’t mean the loss wasn’t a gutpunch. “It was brutal,” Bouchy says. “Not only do you lose to your archrival, you lose in a fashion that turns out to be a miracle for them.” Over the years, that rivalry has taken on personal overtones, and not just because Bouchy was once in the Predators’ front office, working as vice president of football operations. Jeff ’s own brother, Brett Bouchy, until recently the Predators’ majority owner, canned him after the two got into a heated argument following a playoff loss in 2001 (this, though the Predators were at the time the AFL’s dominant franchise). Or that’s Jeff ’s version, anyway. “My brother says I quit, but I was fired,” Bouchy says. “What irritated me so much is that my passion was taken away from me by my brother. He saw it as a straight business decision, and I thought, ‘How could you do this to me?’” The brothers didn’t talk for a year. Brett remained majority owner of the Predators. Jeff started Destroyer Promotional Products, then moved to St. Augustine with his family. Their father eventually put the warring brothers in a room to hash it out. “It’s the first and only time I’ve heard my dad drop an F-bomb,” Jeff says. They’re past it now, Jeff says. Indeed, it was Brett who lured Jeff back into the AFL in 2009, when the league was reorganizing and wanted to place a franchise in Jacksonville. And Jeff went for it, luring Moss, a Predators assistant coach, and star QB Aaron Garcia to launch the team with him. The AFL was happy to play up the sibling rivalry, and the Bouchys seemed happy to oblige. Before a 2011 matchup in Jacksonville, Brett bought a billboard off I-95 that read: “Jacksonville sucks. See you rednecks April 30. Love, the Orlando Predators.” (“It’s not a joke,” Brett told the Times-Union. “I’m not angry at Jacksonville. I’m livid.”) Our rednecks weren’t thrilled. It got so bad that the Predators’ coach asked for a police escort around Jacksonville. But success being the best revenge, Jeff had his. “We kicked the crap out of them,” he says, “and the police escorted them back to the Duval-St. Johns County line.” Before the next game, Jeff bought space on an electronic billboard and encouraged fans to tweet their hatred toward Orlando. The Sharks won that rematch, and went on to win the ArenaBowl later that year. Brett sold his interest in the Predators in 2013, less than a week after the city of Orlando sued him over sponsorship conflicts. He’s now a co-owner of the Los Angeles Kiss. The rivalry with Orlando continues. It was

Learn from a mentor.

Guide a mentee.

deveLop LastinG

connections. Stein Fellowship Class of 2015

www.unitedwaynefl.org/stein-fellowship David Miller, CEO of Brightway Insurance and Stein Fellow Chair, with Stein Fellow Mentee John Busan. JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 9

IN THE BLOOD

inflamed this year, in fact, with a trade that sent Garcia — who’d left the Sharks and joined the Predators — back to Jacksonville in exchange for three Jacksonville players. When none of them reported to Orlando, the AFL awarded Orlando an additional defensive back and quarterback. “[I] felt jobbed,” Bouchy says. Then the trade went from bad to worse. One of those traded players, running back Bernard Morris, eventually showed up to play for Orlando, led them to two victories over Jacksonville and has kept the Preds atop the South Division. Meanwhile, Garcia, the AFL’s all-time leader in passing yards with more than 60,000 and the ArenaBowl XXIV MVP, started one game, then departed Jacksonville after two weeks, citing family issues. The Sharks later traded his rights to the Los Angeles Kiss — the team Brett Bouchy now co-owns — closer to Garcia’s home in Sacramento. Jeff Bouchy says he didn’t mind taking one last shot on their former quarterback, regardless of how it turned out. “Aaron Garcia was like that old girlfriend you broke up with. You’re still not sure if you should go after her again. We dated now for two more weeks. We know it’s over.” Moss is less forgiving. “The whole thing was the biggest mistake of my career. Because he came here and he quit. He left us.” As if someone from the league office scripted it, the heroturned-villain is expected back when the Kiss travel to Jacksonville for the season finale on July 26. The Sharks hope they have more than revenge on their minds.

o matter what happens on the field, the atmosphere inside Veterans Memorial Arena seldom changes. This isn’t just a game, after all. It’s also a party. And every party has a theme: Christmas in July (with Les Moss ornaments), Redneck Night, Grease Night (yes, like the musical) and Military Appreciation Night, to name a few. The game theme for this Saturday, against the Pittsburgh Power, is Halloween in June — fans are invited to adorn themselves in costume. Every game, a handful of the team’s diehard fans don their usual shoulder pads, personalized jerseys, football pants and eye black, looking ready to enter the game at a moment’s notice. (For the Halloween in June night, they’ll add elements from famous wrestlers to their attire.) They crowd into the fifth row, where they have season tickets — or into the front row if some friends who have those tickets miss a game — and make noise. A lot of noise.

THE SHARKS PLAY THREE OF THEIR FINAL FIVE GAMES AT HOME. HERE’S THE FINAL STRETCH Pittsburgh Power at Sharks, 7 p.m. June 28 Sharks at San Antonio Talons, 4 p.m. July 6

New Orleans VooDoo at Sharks, 8 p.m. July 14 Sharks at Cleveland Gladiators, 7 p.m. July 19 Los Angeles Kiss at Sharks, 7 p.m. July 26 Single-game tickets: $12-$133, 621-0700, jaxsharks.com/tickets/singletickets 10 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

The Sideline Bullies, as they call themselves — hecklers Norm Bizier, Randy Andrews, Sascha Roth and Jay Nix — take this team seriously. See the “smackdown videos for opposing teams” they tape before each game, or the playbooks strapped to their wrists, if you need convincing. “We want to make the Shark Tank the hardest place for an opposing team to come play,” Bizier says. “We’ve had a number of [opposing players] come over and say they wish they had fans like us. Put it this way: The players know we’re there.” Bizier and Andrews have attended every home game in Sharks’ history. For their efforts, the Bullies were honored at halftime of a Sharks’ game in 2013. Asked if the losing season had curbed his enthusiasm, Bizier points to the still-high attendance and intense close-up game experience. In other words, not in the slightest. Yeah, losing to Orlando last month sucked, he continued, but it wasn’t anything beer and cornhole in the parking lot couldn’t fix. As a nod to his fans and the role they play, next month Bouchy will offer them a chance to buy equity in the Sharks. He’ll use the infusion of cash to purchase a practice facility.

eer and cornhole may sate the diehards, but it won’t fix the losing. And that losing is eating at Bouchy, so much so that it has invaded his dreams. “It’s so bad that I woke up two nights ago, and we lost a basketball game to the Predators, 114113,” Bouchy says. He is completely serious. The 5-8 Sharks have never been this down, never failed to make the playoffs, never had a losing season. But they are not out — and in fact there are signs the team is finally starting to congeal. On Saturday, the Sharks played probably their best game of the season in New Orleans, crushing the VooDoo 54-13 in a defensive showcase that set franchise records for fewest points allowed and most sacks in a game. True, New Orleans isn’t among the AFL’s elite this year, but Jacksonville needed a win and got one. And the Sharks’ schedule is more favorable down the homestretch than it was early on. The Sharks play three of their final five games at Sea Best. They face conference powers Pittsburgh and Cleveland, yes, but also three teams with worse records — San Antonio, New Orleans and Los Angeles. So it’s possible all this early-season turmoil could just be a setup for a bigger-than-life finale against Garcia, a rekindling of the Bouchy sibling rivalry, with the 2014 season’s fate on the line. If that scenario seems implausible, consider not just the franchise’s history, but also how a few breaks could have changed the course of the entire season. Maybe, just maybe, over the next months, those breaks will go the Sharks’ way. After all, so much of Bouchy’s life now is the result of what once seemed a bad break: Had he not been ousted from the Predators, had he not married Laura and fathered four children during his break from the AFL, he probably wouldn’t have moved to Northeast Florida (Laura graduated from Fletcher High). And if he hadn’t moved here, and if he hadn’t subsequently patched things up with Brett, the Jacksonville Sharks might not exist. And he certainly wouldn’t have taken on Vince Neil — whom he and minority owner Steve Curran, a longtime friend, first saw perform with Mötley Crüe when they opened for KISS back in 1983 — as a business partner. “How would my love of ’80s metal and arena football come together in my life? And here it is,” Bouchy says. “You realize you’re never in control.” djohnson@folioweekly.com

es Moss, the only head coach the Sharks have ever had, is in a sense that perfect complement to the passionate, outspoken Jeff Bouchy. Calm and matterof-fact, quick to joke with the players about his weight, Moss is hands-off in practice, relying heavily on his assistants, stepping in when he wants to see crisper plays or heightened intensity. Like the Sharks’ owner, however, his path to Jacksonville has a familial backstory — and also runs through Orlando. This season, as his team has dealt with bad bounces on the field and tragedy off, Moss has been helping care for his father, Perry Moss, 87, who is suffering from a neurological disease at his home in DeBary. The elder Moss is a football legend in his own right, with a career as player and coach that spanned six decades and two countries. He was a tailback on the University of Tulsa team that won the 1945 Orange Bowl, then an all-American starting quarterback on the University of Illinois team that won the 1947 Rose Bowl. He was drafted by the Green Bay Packers in ’48, but played for only a year before rejoining the collegiate coaching ranks — the freshman head coach at Illinois, then an assistant at Washington, LSU and Miami, finally landing the top job at Florida State in ’59 where, in his one season, the ’Noles went 4-6. He spent three years coaching the Canadian Football League’s Montreal Alouettes, and eventually made his way back to the NCAA as head coach at Marshall University in 1968, where his team went a disastrous 0-9-1. Throughout the ’70s and ’80s, Perry served as assistant coach for the Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers and Buffalo Bills, and had a stint in the semipro American Football Association before finding a home, and thriving, in the nascent Arena Football League. In 1987, the same year the AFL was founded, the Associated Press called Perry Moss “the only man alive who has coached in every major American professional league since the All-American Conference folded in 1949” — the NFL, AFL, WFL, USFL, AFA, UFI as well as two different CFLs (Canadian and Continental). From 1991 to 1997, Perry was head coach of the Orlando Predators, amassing an impressive 67-31 record before handing the reins to Jay Gruden. And it was Gruden, in turn, who served as an AFL mentor for Les Moss. Because of his dad, Les Moss grew up around the game, roaming the Chicago Bears’ practice fields at age 6 or 7, carrying Dick Butkus’ helmet while his father was an assistant coach there. “I owe everything to him,” Moss says of his father. “He’s a fighter. He had a tremendous career. I would be dishonoring him [by not coaching]. When you have adversity in your life, when you have something that’s your passion, that allows you to get away.” Moss credits time spent as an assistant under his father as well as under Gruden, a six-time ArenaBowl champion as a player and coach (and recently named head coach of Washington’s NFL team), with broadening his mind, especially as relates to AFL clock management, onside-kick philosophy and the subtleties of the 8-on-8 game. Gruden was known as “The Gambler” in Orlando, and Moss has applied Gruden’s risk-taking philosophy on special teams and defense, often calling surprise onside kicks. The AFL is not the NFL, especially in offensive philosophy (the league is even more quarterback-driven), and Moss is one of the best at managing time and keeping opposing teams off-balance. — David Johnson

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 11

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Our Picks Reasons to leave the house this week

KATZ AT RITZ RITZ THEATRE

The Katz Downstairz come upstairs to play urban jazz beats to help Ritz Theatre & Museum begin a new chapter. The theater holds an open house to introduce its new theater coordinator, Jennifer Covington. The Katz fuse jazz, soul, R&B and hip-hop while grabbing attention at their Live Basement parties. Admission is free; food and beverage available from Cravingz Food Truck and Savor … Jacksonville. 1-4 p.m. June 28 at Ritz Theatre, Downtown.

LOCAL HEROES FLAGSHIP ROMANCE

You’ll insist they’re too good, and too pretty, to be true. Real-life lovers, talented songwriters and founders of the Clean Water Music Fest (it raised more than $24,000 for the people of Rwanda in its second year), Jax Beach’s Shawn Fisher and Jordyn Jackson escaped to the hills of Keystone to record their first full-length, Fee Fie Foh Fum. With no splicing or tuning – and with the acoustic guitar and vocal recorded at the same time, as a folk record should be – it’s raw, imperfect and damn good. The CD release show on June 27 sold out, so they added another (June 28) during a Northeast Florida stopover early in a tour with more than 24 stops. Doors 6 p.m. June 28 at Mudville Music Room, San Marco, $10.

TASTE AND LEARN THE SCIENCE & HISTORY OF WINE

ACTIVISM THE COMING OUT MONOLOGUES

Given the fact that Florida still has a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage (not to mention a state law that does the same thing, because you can’t be too sure), and that the Jacksonville City Council has shamefully refused to even ban anti-gay discrimination, The Coming Out Monologues has something very important for this community to hear. Being held proudly outside the closet, the monologues feature the local LGBT community and its allies sharing personal life experiences in a nonprofit production aimed at fostering acceptance. Last year’s event featured Johanna, a 7-year-old ally: “If one of my friends told me they were gay, I would say I still love you as much as I have from the very beginning and would never treat them any differently. Gay people should not be treated any different or any less.” Johanna gets it – way more than Clay Yarborough and Don Redman probably ever will, sadly. 7-9 p.m. June 27; 2-4 and 7-9 p.m. June 28 at WJCT Studios, Downtown, $20-$25.

Better known for all those educational exhibits, MOSH turns to expert David Joudi – who has more than 35 years’ experience, um, “studying” wine – to tell us about classifying wines, corking and when to start pouring. Now, the only wine history some of you care about is how that vintage went from the bottle to your lips. (We’re not judging you. Well, maybe a little.) But you’ll learn something as you get your vino-buzz on at the MOSH After Dark event, which means you’re a better person than the kids chugging Miller Lites at the bar down the street, you sophisticate you. 6 p.m. June 26 at the Museum of Science & History, Southbank, $20 ($16 for MOSH members).

CALIFORNIA REGGAE REBELUTION

Though Rebelution’s latest album Count Me In has the usual lyrical shtick of de-stressing, spreading good vibes and the importance of bros, there’s a signature to this band that sets it apart from the dime-a-dozen world of reggae. Tracks like “Fade Away” show a slower, moodier pace and instrumental experimentation more characteristic of alt-rock than roots reggae. But when Rebelution does reggae, it does it right, with vibrant horn sections and smooth-as-glass vocals and guitar. 6 p.m. June 27 at St. Augustine Amphitheatre, $30-$130.

12 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

PUNK THE COATHANGERS

If there’s one overarching ingredient to a great punk record, it’s that the studio recording captures the live sound. Atlanta-based chick-punk trio The Coathangers have mastered that aesthetic with their latest release, Suck My Shirt, a record that shoves a middle finger at over-polished studio quality with a collection of tracks bound by staccato guitar riffs that compete with abrasive feedback, breakneck drumming and ferocious, ire-filled vocals. Oh, and the video for “Follow Me” features heavy-metal heavyweights Mastodon performing wretched lip-syncing. We’re just pleased that’s a thing now. 9 p.m. June 30 at Underbelly, Downtown.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 TIMES-UNION CENTER TICKETS ON SALE THIS FRIDAY AT 10AM!

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 13

A&E // MUSIC

A MAN, A GUITAR AND A COROLLA

Nomadic highway poet David Dondero passes through towns, singing about life, love and his instrument of choice

original studio albums — including 2013’s s a roving singer-songwriter, David This Guitar — as well as another live album, Dondero tries to stay afloat in his Toyota and along the way earned a reputation as a Corolla as he drifts from town to town songwriting heavyweight. In 2006, in fact, with his guitar, listening to crappy radio in NPR’s All Songs Considered ranked him No. between shows. 10 on a list of the best living songwriters, “I don’t live anywhere right now,” he says. alongside luminaries Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, “I am just a transient.” Paul McCartney and Born in Duluth, Bruce Springsteen. Minnesota, Dondero “It’s one person’s employs a raw process: He opinion,” he says. “If I sings what he knows, and were to make a list, I don’t he plays what he feels. His think I would be on it.” music is folk, but with classic The title track on the country roots and influences like Jimmie Rodgers — and new record mirrors the way just a hint of punk, especially Dondero feels about both on his earlier work. his instrument of choice His guitar takes him and the progression of up and down highways, his career; it’s a love/hate wandering through towns and relationship, one that has given singing about love, heartbreak him so much and taken so DAVID DONDERO with and loss. A decade on as a solo much away: This guitar haunts CHRISTINA WAGNER and artist, Dondero says, he’s still me from the case/ I swear I put KEVIN LEE NEWBERRY discovering his instrument. it back in its case/ But then it 9 p.m. June 29 Rain Dogs, 5 Points, “I don’t know anything sweet-talks its way back into my $5, 379-4969 about the guitar,” he says. “I life/ But every goddamn time I really don’t know how to play gotta pay the price/ Just to play, it, I’m still learning.” just to play/ Till I slip away. This is plainly untrue, as a quick listen to The song is also something of a tongue-inany of Dondero’s records — but particularly cheek joke — a song about the guitar that’s his most recent, This Guitar — can attest. played entirely on piano, at least the first time He got his start as a drummer in punk you hear it. bands in the 1980s and early ’90s, but then a “I thought it was funny to call the album friend who was purging himself of all material ‘This Guitar’ and have the title track have no possessions to become a Franciscan monk guitar,” he says. “But there is a guitar version mailed him a gift that would change his life. at the end of the CD.” Dondero taught himself to play on that guitar, Dondero looks at his records like photo and took to it like a golden retriever to the albums, collections of his experiences. “It’s ocean. By the mid-’90s, he’d decided to go it just one big thing,” he says. “I don’t even alone — his songs, his voice, his guitar. listen to them. It’s just a means of courage to “I did the first solo show, and I have been purge yourself.” doing it ever since,” he says. Bonnie Mulqueen Since then, Dondero has released nine mail@folioweekly.com

“I don’t know anything about the guitar. I really don’t know how to play it, I’m still learning.”

14 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

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A&E // MUSIC FreebirdLive.com

CONCERTS THIS WEEK

CRANFORD HOLLOW, ALEXIS RHODE 8 p.m. June 25 at Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $8, 398-7496. SUMMER HORNS: DAVE KOZ, MINDI ABAIR, GERALD ALBRIGHT, RICHARD ELLIOT 8 p.m. June 26 at The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, $50-$70, 355-5661. JIM CARRICK, MAJA GIATANA 7:30 p.m. June 26 at Mudville Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., St. Nicholas, 352-7008. GROWN UP AVENGER STUFF, LIFEFORMS, WEEKEND ATLAS, GARRETT ON ACOUSTIC 8 p.m. June 26 at Jack Rabbits, $8, 398-7496. REBELUTION, IRATION, THE GREEN, STICK FIGURE, DJ MACKLE 6 p.m. June 27 at St. Augustine Amphitheatre, 1340 A1A S., $24.50, 209-0367. SHOT DOWN IN FLAMES (AC/DC tribute) 8 p.m. June 27 at Freebird Live, 200 N. First St., Jax Beach, $10, 246-2473. FLAGSHIP ROMANCE CD RELEASE CONCERT: ELISABETH WILLIAMSON, LON WILLIAMSON, MATHEW FOWLER 7:30 p.m. June 27 & 28 at Mudville Music Room, 352-7008. SEVEN HANDLE CIRCUS 8 p.m. June 27 at Jack Rabbits, $8, 398-7496. MR. NATURAL 8 p.m. June 27 at The Jacksonville Landing, 2 Independent Dr., Downtown, free, 353-1188. WES REED, LADY MIAOU, SUGAR AND CREAM 10 p.m. June 27 at Underbelly, 113 E. Bay St., Downtown, 699-8186, underbellylive.com. JACKSONVEGAS, PILOTWAVE, BIG SHOALS, DR. SIRBROTHER 8 p.m. June 27 at 1904 Music Hall, 19 N. Ocean St., Downtown, $8, 1904musichall.com. DEAD STARS, SHARKMUFFIN 10 p.m. June 27 at Rain Dogs, 1045 Park St., Riverside, 379-4969. DAVID DONDERO June 28 at Shanghai Nobby’s, 10 Anastasia Blvd., St. Augustine, 825-4959. SOSOS, RUSTY SHINE 8 p.m. June 28 at Jack Rabbits, $8, 398-7496. THE WHOLETONES, THE WILDER SONS, LOVE IN WAR 8 p.m. June 28 at Freebird Live, $8, 246-2473. BLUE MUSE, CLARAN SONTAG, TOM KAY June 28 at Riverside Arts Market, 715 Riverside Ave., free, 389-2449. LADY DAISEY, BATSAUCE 11 p.m. June 28 at Rain Dogs, $5, 379-4969. RADIO 80 8 p.m. June 28 at The Jacksonville Landing, free, 353-1188. PJ MORTON (of Maroon 5), FUSEBOX FUNK, JOY DENNIS 7:30 p.m. June 28 at 1904 Music Hall, $20-$25, 1904musichall.com. THE VIOLENT 5, THE WOODGRAINS, JONNIE MORGAN BAND 8 p.m. June 29 at Jack Rabbits, $8, 398-7496. BREATHING THEORY, KNOCK FOR SIX, MINOR INFLUENCE, THE STATE TROOPERS 8 p.m. June 29 at Underbelly, $8, 699-8186. DAVID DONDERO, CHRISTINA WAGNER June 29 at Rain Dogs, 1045 Park St., Riverside, 379-4969. THE COATHANGERS, CRETIN GIRLS, THE MOLD, HEY MANDIBLE, BURNT HAIR 9 p.m. June 30 at Underbelly, $10, 699-8186. I AM THE WITNESS, SECRET KEEPER, AMONGST THE FORGOTTEN, I AM KING, AS ALICE SLEEPS, OUR WALKING DECEPTION 7 p.m. July 1 at Murray Hill Theatre, $10-$12, 388-3179. COREY SMITH, A THOUSAND HEROES 7 p.m. July 2 at Mavericks, 2 Independent Dr., Downtown, $20-$25, 356-1110. PURPLE 7’S, KEN SOUTH ROCK, SCAVUZZOS, EARLY DISCLAIMERS, TOMBOI, WHITE GOLD 8 p.m. July 2 at Underbelly, free, 699-8186.

UPCOMING CONCERTS

CHRIS HENRY July 3, Mudville Music Room SALTWATER GRASS, BONNIE BLUE July 3, Freebird Live TOMMY HARRISON GROUP July 3, Jack Rabbits FLAGSHIP ROMANCE, THE 77Ds July 4, Riverside Arts Market THE PURE ZEPPELIN EXPERIENCE July 4, Freebird Live CANARY IN THE COALMINE, THIS FRONTIER NEEDS HEROES, RICKOLUS, THE LITTLE BOOKS, FOUR FAMILIES, AL POINDEXTER & RIVER RISE July 5, Riverside Arts Market GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH, WET NURSE, THE WOOLLY BUSHMEN, THE MOLD, TWINKI July 5, Underbelly SHINOBI NINJA, VIKTR July 5, Jack Rabbits SUPERVILLAINS July 5, Freebird Live LAUREN SLYMAN July 5, Murray Hill Theatre CRAIG CAMPBELL July 5, Mavericks BACKTRACK, HARM’S WAY, EXPIRE, TURNSTILE, SUBURBAN SCUM, DOWNPRESSER, IRON MIND, FREEDOM July 6, Underbelly

ZAK WATERS July 7, Jack Rabbits BLACK PUSSY July 10, Jack Rabbits AARON LEWIS July 11, Mavericks KOOL KEITH, TOUGH JUNKIE & THE FFJBMUSIC TEAM, TWINKI July 11, Underbelly LITTLE BOOKS, COUGAR BARREL, AMYTHYST KIAH July 11, Jack Rabbits THE BUNNY THE BEAR, I, OMEGA July 11, 1904 Music Hall SET IT OFF, OUR LAST NIGHT July 11, Murray Hill Theatre HIGHDRO VEGAS July 11, Freebird Live SURRENDER THE FALL, ARTIFAS, MANNA ZEN, STAYNE THEE ANGEL, DAMNEDGED July 11, 1904 Music Hall LIL BOOSIE, WEBBIE July 12, Prime Osborn Convention Center LEGIT, G MAYN FROST, ASKMEIFICARE, ALCATRAZ, PINKYKILLA, SYLENT VYLENTZ July 12, Freebird Live KALIYL FAREWELL SHOW: KALIYL, SUMERLIN, I ANTHEM July 12, Murray Hill Theatre MISTER PETERSON’S NEIGHBORHOOD July 12, 1904 Music Hall IMMERSION, MY FIRST CIRCUS July 12, Jack Rabbits RX BANDITS, THE DEAR HUNTER, FROM INDIAN LAKES July 13, Underbelly DAVE MATTHEWS BAND July 15, Veterans Memorial Arena RAY LAMONTAGNE, JENNY LEWIS, THE BELLE BRIGADE July 15, The Florida Theatre DJ CLAY, ZUG IZLAND, RAZORZ EDGE July 17, Aqua JOSHUA BOWLUS QUARTET July 17, Mudville Music Room BEACH DAY July 17, Underbelly (N)CEPTION, MINOR INFLUENCE July 17, Jack Rabbits I LIKE I LIKE, SURVIVING SEPTEMBER, FIRE AT PLUTO, URSA MINOR, DEATH IS UPON US July 18, Jack Rabbits CLEAR CONVICTIONS, CONVALESCE July 18, Murray Hill Theatre RITUAL UNION CD Release Party July 18, Deep Search Records SIDEREAL, HOURS EASTLY, CLOUD 9, RESINATED July 18, Freebird Live W STRANGERS, MIKE ZIECKAS July 18, Burro Bar THI’SL, BRINSON, SECKOND CHAYNCE July 19, Murray Hill Theatre LICENSE 2 LAUGH: LAVELL CRAWFORD, TIM MURRAY, SHERYL UNDERWOOD, LAVAR WALKER July 19, T-U Center GROUNDATION July 19, Freebird Live

LARRY MANGUM’S COWBOY ORCHESTRA July 19, Mudville Music Room LAWLESS HEARTS CD RELEASE: CHRYSALIS, GENERATOR, LOSE CONTROL July 19, Jack Rabbits HED PE, EYES SET TO KILL, DECEMBER IN RED July 19, Aqua SURF FEST II July 19, Underbelly THE BLACK CADILLACS, THOMAS WYNN & THE BELIEVERS July 20, Underbelly ALL NEW ATMOSPHERE July 20, Jack Rabbits AMERICAN IDOL LIVE! July 20, St. Augustine Amphitheatre NSOM, EVICTION, OUTEREDGE, CORRUPTED SAINT July 20, Aqua FAREWELL MY LOVE, EVICTION, 100 WATT VIPERS July 23, Jack Rabbits THE VELDT, CASSIUS CLAYE & THE YOUNGBLOODS, MEMPHIBIANS, HEY MANDIBLE July 23, Burro Bar OPOSSUMHOLLER, POOR RICHARDS, THE SENSES, SNAKE BLOOD REMEDY July 24, Jack Rabbits WALTER PARKS July 24, Mudville Music Room JOHN LEGEND July 25, St. Augustine Amphitheatre CULTURAL PROFETICA July 25, Freebird Live YING YANG TWINS July 25, Jack Rabbits HANK3 & THE DAMN BAND, A.D.D. July 25, Underbelly THE WOOLLY BUSHMEN July 26, Underbelly EMMYLOU HARRIS July 26, T-U Center CARRIE UNDERWOOD July 26, EverBank Field SARA BAREILLES July 26, St. Augustine Amphitheatre FALL OUT BOY, NEW POLITICS July 27, St. Augustine Amphitheatre WILSON, HE IS LEGEND, MAYLENE & THE SONS OF DISASTER July 27, Underbelly THE SOULSHINE TOUR: MICHAEL FRANTI & SPEARHEAD, SOJA, BRETT DENNEN, TREVOR HALL July 30, St. Augustine Amphitheatre ABIOTICS July 30, Jack Rabbits GAVIN DEGRAW, MATT NATHANSON July 31, St. Augustine Amphitheatre QUINCY MUMFORD July 31, Jack Rabbits DIRTY HEADS, PEPPER, AER Aug. 2, St. Augustine Amphitheatre JAKIEM JOYNER Aug. 2, Ritz Theatre THE EARLY NOVEMBER Aug. 2, Jack Rabbits BJ BARHAM (of American Aquarium) Aug. 2, Underbelly

200 N. 1st St., Jax Beach, FL • 904.246.BIRD (2473) FRIDAY JUNE 27

SHOT DOWN IN FLAMES (AC/DC TRIBUTE BAND) THE FOUND SATURDAY JUNE 28

THE WHOLETONES THE WILDER SONS/LOVE IN WAR THURSDAY JULY 3

SALTWATER GRASS BONNIE BLUE/SQUEEDLEPUSS FRIDAY JULY 4

THE PURE ZEPPELIN EXPERIENCE SATURDAY JULY 5

THE SUPERVILLANS PRIDELESS/PRIME TREES/SUNSPOTS FRIDAY JULY 11

YES ON AMMENDMENT 2 RALLY HIGHDRO VEGAS DJ SONNY OSYRIS SATURDAY JULY 12

LEGIT G-MAYN FROST ASKMEIFICARE ALCATRAZ/PINKYKILLA SYLENT VYLENTZ FRIDAY JULY 18

SIDEREAL HOURS EASTLY CLOUD 9/RESINATED SATURDAY JULY 19

GROUNDATION THE RESOLVERS SUNDAY JULY 20

BRAIDED SUN FRIDAY JULY 25

CULTURA PROFETICA MCKLOPEDIA SATURDAY AUGUST 2

BOBBY LEE RODGERS PARKER URBAN BAND SATURDAY AUGUST 16

CORBITT BROTHERS FRIDAY AUGUST 22

THE BAMA GAMBLERS UPCOMING

9-12: FortunateYouth 9-13: Papadosio 9-18: The Pretty Reckless 9-21: Hawthorne Heights/Red Jumpsuit Apparatus 10-25: Amon Amarth JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 15

THE KNIFE

16 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

he last time I wrote an article like this, I received threats of violence on my home voice mail. You may be wondering, “What, pray tell, was that article about? Was it your ‘Godless in the Bible Belt’ cover story? Or possibly the one about Jacksonville’s underground bondage community? Or the thing you wrote about the child molester?” Nope. In my 25-plus years as a working journalist, the only article I ever wrote that elicited a call directly to my home phone comprised a list of the worst local band names. That’s right, a fan of Hot Cotton, which I picked as the worst local band name at the time (about a decade ago, though memory fails on the precise date), felt so compelled to defend his favorite band’s honor that he found my home phone number and left a profanity-laced Southern-drawl tirade on my voice mail. It’s been a while since I’ve been threatened for putting words to page, so I thought I’d give it another go-’round. Truth is, most band names suck, and picking the worst is akin to shooting fish in a barrel — lots of dead fish in a very shallow barrel. There are categories into which most band names fall, some specific to a decade or genre while others are universal through time. For instance, in the ’90s, the worst band names had female names in them: Alice in Chains, Naomi’s Hair, Jennifer’s Car, Jane’s Addiction and Marcy Playground are but a few cringe-worthy examples. There was a time when “wolf” names were considered cool, but most of them sucked, too: Wolf Parade, Wolfmother, Wolf Eyes, Wolves in the Throne Room. Metal and doom bands are notorious for horrible names: Prostitute Disfigurement, Job for a Cowboy, Goblin Cock, Behold … The Arctopus (ellipses included). And then there is the Holy Crap This Band Has the Longest, Stupidest Name Ever variety. In this category fall … And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead (again, ellipses included), The Presidents of the United States of America, and The World is a Beautiful Place and I am No Longer Afraid to Die. And possibly the dumbest band name in history: !!!, which I’m told is pronounced “chk chk chk,” which somehow makes it even stupider. So this brings us to today in Northeast Florida, and the five worst band names I’ve seen around town. Keep in mind, this isn’t a comment on their music. I haven’t

even heard some of these bands. This is an aesthetic judgment only, one that may lead to me getting my ass kicked over the phone. So, without further ado … here it goes. (Had to throw in some ellipses of my own.) • The Plan B Band: Why, oh why, would you name your act The Plan B Band? The first (and only) thing that comes to my mind is the morning-after pill, and I think I speak for the majority here. A Top 40 cover band, Plan B dresses to the nines, plays a wide variety of likeable music and specializes in weddings. No word on whether they provide the bride with emergency contraception. • Askmeificare: Maybe I have a general disdain for intentional misspellings and combining several words into one, but this irks me. And I confess, I like this band’s tune “Ex-Boyfriend.” It reminds me of Orange 9mm’s heavier stuff. But the name, if it’s supposed to imply rebellion, suggests mere laziness. Askmeificare. Eh, not really. • Stump Water: Yes, there is a band called Stump Water. A quick Google search reveals that stump water is a backwoods remedy used to cure warts. Yum! • Ultra Suck Mega Fuxxx: Not sure what they’re shooting for here. If they’re going for offensive, they missed the mark entirely. Instead, those three Xs reek of desperation. If there’s a joke in there, inside or otherwise, I don’t get it. It was funny when Primus did it back in the ’90s. Sort of. But if they’re hoping to give off a low-budget gonzo porn film distributor vibe, well, BINGO! • Stayne Thee Angel: There are so many things wrong with this name, I don’t know where to begin. The intentional misspellings might suggest there’s a double meaning, were a comma employed following “Thee.” Still, being stained by an angel seems less threatening than simply unpleasant. This band’s drummer wears a gas mask, which certainly adds an air of menace to the proceedings. But in the end, what we have is yet another unsuccessful attempt to twist an innocuous phrase into something deep, dark and meaningful. By the way, there are a handful of local band names that I really appreciate. Ginormous J and Squeedlepuss come to mind. But the A-number-1, top-of-the-list, greatest band name ever? Jacksonville’s own … Glitterpiss. John E. Citrone theknife@folioweekly.com

A&E // MUSIC

MAXWELL Aug. 3, T-U Center CRANFORD HOLLOW Aug. 7, Jack Rabbits ELLIS PAUL, DONNY BRAZILE Aug. 8, Original Café Eleven SEAWAY, STICKUP KID, CANDY HEARTS, DRIVER FRIENDLY Aug. 8, Underbelly ULTIMATE ELVIS BASH Aug. 9, The Florida Theatre CROSBY, STILLS & NASH Aug. 10, St. Augustine Amphitheatre CHINA CAT SUNFLOWER FESTIVAL Aug. 10, Karpeles Manuscript Museum BAM MARGERA Aug. 12, Underbelly OUTLINE IN COLOR, INDIRECTIONS, SYCAMOUR, HOLLOWEATH Aug. 12, Jack Rabbits ROCK ’N’ BLUES FEST: JOHNNY WINTER BAND, EDGAR WINTER BAND, VANILLA FUDGE, PETER RIVERA (Rare Earth), KIM SIMMONDS (Savoy Brown) Aug. 14, Florida Theatre GLASS CLOUD, SCALE THE SUMMIT Aug. 14, 1904 Music Hall PANIC! AT THE DISCO, WALK THE MOON, YOUNGBLOOD HAWKE Aug. 16, St. Augustine Amphitheatre THE OFFSPRING, BAD RELIGION, PENNYWISE, FEAR Aug. 19, St. Augustine Amphitheatre THE CROCODILES, JAILL Aug. 19, Underbelly THE FRESH BEAT BAND Aug. 22, St. Augustine Amphitheatre THE BAMA GAMBLERS Aug. 22, Freebird Live CASSADEE POPE Aug. 23, Mavericks at the Landing BOB WEIR, RATDOG, CHRIS ROBINSON BROTHERHOOD Aug. 24, St. Augustine Amphitheatre DOYLE Aug. 24, Underbelly SAM HUNT Aug. 28, Mavericks BLOODSHOT BILL Sept. 4, Underbelly VOCKAH REDU, VLAD THE INHALER, TWINKI Sept. 5, Underbelly JEFF LORBER FUSION Sept. 6, Ritz Theatre THREE DOORS DOWN ACOUSTIC Sept. 7, Florida Theatre ZZ TOP, JEFF BECK Sept. 7, St. Augustine Amphitheatre DIARRHEA PLANET Sept. 8, Underbelly WYATT BLAIR, FROTH, CORNERS, MR. ELEVATOR & THE BRAIN HOTEL Sept. 11, Underbelly REND COLLECTIVE Sept. 11, Murray Hill Theatre FORTUNATE YOUTH, THE STEPPAS, ASHES OF BABYLON, EASE UP Sept. 12, Freebird Live CONNECTION FESTIVAL: KERMIT RUFFINS & THE BBQ SWINGERS, LESS THAN JAKE, SURFER BLOOD, WHOLE WHEAT BREAD, TREME BRASS BAND, ORQUESTRA EL MACABEO, LA QUILOMBERA, THIS FRONTIER NEEDS HEROES, JACKIE STRANGER, WEEKEND ATLAS, NORTHE, EGO KILLER, JAH ELECT & THE I QUALITY BAND, UNIVERSAL GREEN, ORANGE AIR, ALEXIS RHODE, RYVLS, PROFESSOR KILMURE, RUFFIANS, THE GOOTCH, ASKMEIFICARE, DIRTY AUTOMATIC, WOVEN IN, GARRETT ON ACOUSTIC, TOM BENNETT BAND, MONDO MIKE & THE PO BOYS, ARTILECT, OSCAR MIKE, KANA KIEHM, PARKER URBAN BAND, KNOCK FOR SIX, NEVER ENDING STRUGGLE Sept. 12-14, Downtown Jacksonville 1964: THE TRIBUTE (Beatles tribute) Sept. 13, Florida Theatre SHERYL CROW Sept. 14, The Florida Theatre JOEY CAPE (Lagwagon), CHRIS CRESSWELL (Flatliners), BRIAN WAHLSTROM Sept. 17, Jack Rabbits THE PRETTY RECKLESS, ADELITA’S WAY Sept. 18, Freebird Live MAD CADDIES Sept. 18, Jack Rabbits HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS, THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS, NEW EMPIRE, FAMOUS LAST WORDS, THE ONGOING CONCEPT, EVERYBODY RUN Sept. 21, Freebird Live EXPERIENCE HENDRIX Sept. 21, The Florida Theatre KYLE KINANE Sept. 24, Jack Rabbits PETER FRAMPTON Sept. 30, The Florida Theatre EUGE GROOVE Oct. 4, Ritz Theatre THE VIBRATORS, POWERBALL Oct. 12, Jack Rabbits CLAUDE BOURBON Oct. 14, Mudville Music Room UNDERHILL ROSE Oct. 17, Mudville Music Room RINGO STARR & HIS ALL STARR BAND Oct. 18, T-U Center’s Moran Theater MOTLEY CRUE, ALICE COOPER Oct. 19, Vets Memorial Arena CROWDER, ALL SONS & DAUGHTERS, CAPITAL KINGS Oct. 19, Christ’s Church, Greenland LOS LONELY BOYS Oct. 21, The Florida Theatre ANDY McKEE Oct. 23, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall MIKE WATT & IL SOGNO DEL MARINAIO Oct. 23, Jack Rabbits ANJELAH JOHNSON Oct. 24, The Florida Theatre AMON AMARTH, SABATON, SKELETONWITCH Oct. 25, Freebird Live PAUL McCARTNEY Oct. 25, Veterans Memorial Arena PAINT FUMES Oct. 29, Underbelly DAVID COOK Oct. 31, Jack Rabbits DUVAL HALLOWEEN Oct. 31, Underbelly MAYSA Nov. 1, Ritz Theatre SUSAN BOYLE Nov. 6, T-U Center’s Moran Theater CASTING CROWNS Nov. 6, Veterans Memorial Arena MATISYAHU Nov. 12, The Florida Theatre ROD PICOTT Nov. 13, Mudville Music Room CELTIC THUNDER Nov. 15, The Florida Theatre MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER CHRISTMAS Nov. 15, T-U Center AARON CARTER Nov. 25, Jack Rabbits PIERCE PETTIS Dec. 11, Mudville Music Room A PETER WHITE CHRISTMAS: PETER WHITE, RICK BRAUN, MINDI ABAIR Dec. 16, The Florida Theatre

JOE BONAMASSA Dec. 17, The Florida Theatre BAD SANTA, GRANT PEEPLES Dec. 18, Mudville Music Room ARLO GUTHRIE ALICE’S RESTAURANT MASSACREE Jan. 20, The Florida Theatre KATHLEEN MADIGAN Jan. 22, The Florida Theatre TIME JUMPERS & VINCE GILL Feb. 7, The Florida Theatre JOHN HAMMOND Feb. 20, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall GET THE LED OUT March 25, The Florida Theatre

CLUBS AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA BEACH

DAVID’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE, 802 Ash St., 310-6049 John Springer every Tue.-Wed. Aaron Bing at 6 p.m. every Fri. & Sat. DOG STAR TAVERN, 10 N. Second St., 277-8010 Working Class Stiff at 9:30 p.m. every Tue. PALACE SALOON, 117 Centre St., 491-3332 Buck Smith every Tue. THE SURF, 3199 S. Fletcher Ave., 491-8999 Brent Byrd at 6 p.m. on June 26. DJ Roc every Wed. Honey Badgers every Sat.

ARLINGTON, REGENCY

MVP’S SPORTS GRILLE, 12777 Atlantic Blvd., 221-1090 Live music 9 p.m. every Fri. & Sat.

AVONDALE, ORTEGA

CASBAH CAFE, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966 Goliath Flores at 9 p.m. every Wed. Live jazz every Sun. Live music every Mon. ECLIPSE, 4219 St. Johns Ave., 387-3582 DJ Keith every Tue. DJ Free every Fri. DJ SuZi-Rok every Mon. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 3611 St. Johns Ave., 388-0200 Grandpa’s Cough Medicine at 9:30 p.m. on June 26. Live music every Sat. MOJO NO. 4, 3572 St. Johns Ave., 381-6670 Live music every Fri. & Sat.

BEACHES

(All venues in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted) 200 FIRST STREET, Courtyard, Neptune Beach, 249-2922 Sweet Scarlett on June 27. Dot Wilder on June 28 BILLY’S BOATHOUSE, 2321 Beach Blvd., 241-9771 Jay DeCosta at 5:30 p.m. on June 26. Jetty Cats at 6 p.m. on June 27. Slickwater at 6 p.m. on June 28. Billy Bowers at noon, 4Play at 5 p.m. on June 29. Open mic at 5:30 p.m. every Wed. Live music every Thur.-Sun. CANTINA MAYA, 1021 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 247-3227 Live music on June 27 CASA MARINA HOTEL, 691 First St. N., 270-0025 Charlie Walker at 2 p.m. on June 29 CULHANE’S IRISH PUB, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595 Cloud 9 from 6:30-9:30 p.m. on June 28. Irish music at 6:30 p.m. every Sun. FLYING IGUANA, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 853-5680 Ginormous J at 10 p.m. on June 27 & 28. Red Beard & Stinky E at 10 p.m. every Thur. FLY’S TIE IRISH PUB, 177 E. Sailfish Dr., Atlantic Beach, 246-4293 Wes Cobb every Thur. Charlie Walker every Mon. FREEBIRD LIVE, 200 N. First St., 246-2473 Shot Down in Flames (AC/DC tribute), Rock It to Russia (Ramones tribute) at 8 p.m. on June 27. The Wilder Sons, Love in War, The Wholetones at 8 p.m. on June 28. Saltwater Grass, Bonnie Blue, Squeedlepuss at 8 p.m. on July 3. The Pure Zeppelin Experience at 8 p.m. on July 4 ISLAND GIRL CIGAR BAR, 108 First St., Neptune Beach, 372-0943 Live music every Fri. & Sat. JAXON SOCIAL, 1161 Beach Blvd., 595-5660 DiCarlo Thompson, Pierre at 9 p.m. on June 28. Live music at 9 p.m. every Sat. LANDSHARK CAFE, 1728 Third St. N., 246-6024 Open mic every Wed. Matt Still 1-4 p.m. every Sun. LYNCH’S IRISH PUB, 514 N. First St., 249-5181 Blistur at 10 p.m. on June 27 & 28. Barrett Jockers every Wed. Split Tone every Thur. Dirty Pete every Sun. Be Easy every Mon. Ryan Campbell every Tue. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1018 N. Third St., 246-1500 Dan Hunting on June 25. Yankee Slickers on June 26. Lucky Costello on June 27. Ouija Brothers on June 28. Three on July 2 MEZZA RESTAURANT & BAR, 110 First St., Neptune Beach, 249-5573 Neil Dixon 6-8 p.m. every Tue. Gypsies Ginger 6-9 p.m. every Wed. Mike Shackelford & Steve Shanholtzer 6-8 p.m. every Thur. MOJO KITCHEN, 1500 Beach Blvd., 247-6636 Jonathon Boogie Long & the Blues Revolution at 9 p.m. on June 26 NIPPERS BEACH GRILLE, 2309 Beach Blvd., 247-3300 Cloud 9 at 6 p.m. on June 25. King Eddie & Pili Pili at 6 p.m. on June 26. Aaron Koerner at 6 p.m. on June 27. Domenic on June 28. Chilly Rhino on June 29. Leslie Baptiste on June 30. Live music every Wed.-Sun. NORTH BEACH BISTRO, 725 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 372-4105 Mickey Mouth at 7:30 p.m. on June 28. Job Meiller at 7 p.m. on July 3

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A&E // MUSIC p.m. on June 28. Vinny Jacobs at 2 p.m. on June 29 THE CONCH HOUSE, 57 Comares Ave., 829-8646 418 Band from 3-7 p.m. on June 29 MELLOW MUSHROOM, 410 Anastasia Blvd., 826-4040 Live music every Fri. MILL TOP TAVERN & LISTENING ROOM, 19-1/2 St. George St., 829-2329 Two-Thirds Band at 9 p.m. on June 27 & 28. Brian Smalley at 1 p.m., Alex & Jim at 5 p.m. on June 29. Aaron Esposito 9 p.m. every Thur. David Strom at 9 p.m. every Mon. Donny Brazile 9 p.m. every Tue. SANGRIA’S, 35 Hypolita St., 827-1947 Live music at 8 p.m. every Thur. SHANGHAI NOBBY’S, 10 Anastasia Blvd., 547-2188 David Dondero on June 28 TRADEWINDS, 124 Charlotte St., 829-9336 Red River Band at 9 p.m. June 27 & 28. Matanzas every Sun.-Thur. Elizabeth Roth at 1 p.m. every Sat.

ST. JOHNS TOWN CENTER

BLACKFINN GRILLE, 4840 Big Island Dr., 345-3466 Live music 5 p.m. every Wed., 9 p.m. every Thur.-Sat. SUITE, 4880 Big Island Dr., 493-9305 Live music 9 p.m. every Fri. & Sat.

SAN MARCO, SOUTHBANK

PJ MORTON (of Maroon 5) with FUSEBOX FUNK and JOY DENNIS June 28, 1904 Music Hall RAGTIME TAVERN, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7877 Red Beard & Stinky E on June 25. Lyons on June 26. Paul Lundgren Band on June 27 & 28. River City Bluez Band on June 29 THE SHIM SHAM ROOM, 333 First St. N., 372-0781 Live music every Mon. & Thur. DJ Nick Fresh every Fri. WIPEOUTS GRILL, 1589 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 247-4508 Bill Rice at 7:30 p.m. on June 26. Jay deCosta at 9:30 p.m. on June 27. Jaxx or Better on July 3 ZETA, 131 First Ave. N., 372-0727 Charlie Walker at 9 p.m. on June 26

DOWNTOWN

1904 MUSIC HALL, 19 Ocean St. N. JacksonVegas, Pilotwave, Big Shoals, Dr. Sirbrother on June 27. PJ Morton (of Maroon 5), Fusebox Funk, Joy Dennis on June 28. Live music every Thur.-Sat. & Mon. BURRO BAR, 100 E. Adams St., 353-4686 Everymen at 8 p.m. on June 25. Mindscar, Noctambulant at 7 p.m. on June 26. Keylow at 9 p.m. on June 28. Live music every Wed.-Sat. DIVE BAR, 331 E. Bay St., 359-9090 Live music every Fri. & Sat. DOS GATOS, 123 E. Forsyth St., 354-0666 DJ NickFresh at 9 p.m. every Sat. FIONN MacCOOL’S, Jax Landing, Ste. 176, 374-1247 Spade McQuade from 6-9 p.m. on June 25. Braxton Adamson 5-8 p.m., 2 Live Dudes 8:30 p.m. on June 27. Live music at 8 p.m. on June 28 JACKSONVILLE LANDING, 2 Independent Dr., 353-1188 Mr. Natural from 8 p.m.-1 a.m. on June 27. Radio 80 from 8 p.m.-1 a.m. on June 28. Live music every Thur.-Sat. MARK’S DOWNTOWN, 315 E. Bay St., 355-5099 DJ Roy Luis every Wed. DJ Vinn Thur. DJ 007 every Fri. Bay Street every Sat. MAVERICKS, Jax Landing, 2 Independent Dr., 356-1110 Jared Ashley at 8 p.m. on June 27. Joe Buck, Big Tasty every Thur.-Sat. UNDERBELLY, 113 E. Bay St., 353-6067 Hot Damn on June 27. Boys No Good, Rhythm of Fear, Evergreen Terrace at 6 p.m. on June 28. Breathing Theory, Knock for Six at 8 p.m.

18 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

on June 29. The Coathangers at 9 p.m. on June 30. Tomboi, White Gold, Purple 7s at 6 p.m. on July 2

FLEMING ISLAND

MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1800 Town Center Blvd., 541-1999 Live music every Fri. & Sat. MERCURY MOON, 2015 C.R. 220, 215-8999 Live music every Fri. & Sat. WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198 Ace Winn at 5 p.m. on June 27. Tony Paul Neal at 5 p.m. on June 28. Open mic 9 p.m. every Thur. Deck music at 5 p.m. every Fri. & Sat., 4:30 p.m. Sun. DJ BG every Mon.

INTRACOASTAL WEST

CLIFF’S BAR & GRILL, 3033 Monument Rd., 645-5162 SuperNatural at 9 p.m. on June 27. White Rhino on June 28. Live music every Wed., Fri. & Sat. Open mic every Tue. SALSA’S MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 13500 Beach Blvd., 992-8402 Live guitar music 6-9 p.m. every Tue. & Sat. YOUR PLACE, 13245 Atlantic Blvd., 221-9994 Clayton Bush at 9:30 p.m. on June 25 & July 2

MANDARIN, JULINGTON

GATORS DOCKSIDE, 485 S.R. 13 N., Ste. 1, 230-4353 Live music every Fri. & Sat. HARMONIOUS MONKS, 10550 Old St. Augustine Rd., 880-3040 Open mic: Synergy 8 p.m. every Wed. World’s Most Talented Waitstaff 9 p.m. every Fri. MONKEY’S UNCLE, 10503 San Jose Blvd., 260-1349 Chrome Heart, BethAnne at 10 p.m. on June 27. Live music at 10 p.m. every Sat.

ORANGE PARK, MIDDLEBURG

THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells, 272-5959 John Michael every Wed.-Sat. PREVATT’S SPORTS BAR, 2620 Blanding Blvd., 282-1564 DJ Tammy 9 p.m. every Wed. THE ROADHOUSE, 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611 Grandpa’s Cough Medicine at 10 p.m. on June 27 & 28. DJ Corey B 7 p.m. every Wed. Live music every Fri. & Sat.

PONTE VEDRA, PALM VALLEY

ISLAND GIRL CIGAR BAR, 820 A1A N., 834-2492 Live music every Fri. & Sat. PUSSER’S GRILLE, 816 A1A N., 280-7766 Aaron Koerner at 6 p.m. on June 25. Rebecca Day & Jenn Thompson at 6 p.m. on June 26. Stephen Carey at 7 p.m. on June 28. Jimmy Parrish & the Waves at 3 p.m. on June 29 TABLE 1, 330 A1A N., Ste. 208, 280-5515 Deron Baker at 6 p.m. on June 25 & July 2. Gary Starling Jazz Band at 7:30 p.m. on June 26. The Rubies at 7:30 p.m. on June 27. The Quimby Duo at 7:30 p.m. on June 28. Live music every Wed.-Sat.

RIVERSIDE, WESTSIDE

KICKBACKS, 910 King St., 388-9551 Ray & Taylor 8:30 p.m. every Thur. Robby Shenk every Sun. MURRAY HILL THEATRE, 932 Edgewood Ave. S., 388-7807 Caledonia String Band on June 27. Aaron Rodriguez, John Pickett on June 28. I Am the Witness, Secret Keeper, Amongst the Forgotten, I Am King, As Alice Sleeps, Our Walking Deception at 7 p.m. on July 1. Live music every Fri. & Sat. RAIN DOGS, 1045 Park St., 379-4969 Dead Stars, Sharkmuffin on June 27. David Dondero, Christina Wagner on June 29. Old Time Jam at 7:30 p.m. every Tue. RIVERSIDE ARTS MARKET, 715 Riverside Ave., 389-2449 Blue Muse, Claran Sontag, Tom Kay starting at 10:30 a.m. on June 28. Flagship Romance, The 77Ds at 6 p.m. on July 4 TOM & BETTY’S, 4409 Roosevelt Blvd., 387-3311 Bandontherun at 8 p.m. June 27

ST. AUGUSTINE

A1A ALE WORKS, 1 King St., 829-2977 Live music every Fri. & Sat. ANN O’MALLEY’S, 23 Orange St., 825-4040 Doug MacRae at 8:30 p.m. on June 27. Slickwood at 8:30 p.m. on June 28. Open mic with Smokin Joe every Tue. THE CELLAR UPSTAIRS, 157 King St., 826-1594 Mojo Roux at 7 p.m. on June 27. Sam Pacetti at 2 p.m., Mojo Roux at 7

JACK RABBITS, 1528 Hendricks Ave., 398-7496 Cranford Hollow, Alexis Rhode at 8 p.m. on June 25. Grown Up Avenger Stuff, Lifeforms on June 26. Seven Handle Circus on June 27. Sosos on June 28. The Violent 5, The Woodgrains on June 29. Tommy Harrison Group on July 3 MUDVILLE MUSIC ROOM, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., 352-7008 Jim Carrick, Maja Giatana at 7:30 p.m. on June 26. Flagship Romance CD Release Concert at 7:30 p.m. on June 27 & 28. Chris Henry at 7:30 p.m. on July 3

SOUTHSIDE, BAYMEADOWS

ISLAND GIRL, 7860 Gate Pkwy., Ste. 115, 854-6060 Live music every Fri. & Sat. LATITUDE 30, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555 VJ Didactic at 9 p.m. on June 26. Love Struck Robot at 9 p.m. on June 27 & 28. Live music every Thur.-Sat. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 9734 Deer Lake Ct., 997-1955 Live music every Fri. & Sat. MY PLACE BAR & GRILL, 9550 Baymeadows Rd., 737-5299 Aaron Sheeks on June 25. Dirty Pete on June 26. King For a Day at 10 p.m. on June 27. Upper Limit at 10 p.m. on June 28. Fat Cactus every Mon. Chuck Nash every Tue. WILD WING CAFE, 4555 Southside Blvd., 998-9464 Chris Brinkley on June 25. Chilly Rhino on June 26. Kurt Lanham at 5 p.m., Nate Hancock & the Declaration at 9 p.m. on June 27. Yankee Slickers on June 28

SPRINGFIELD, NORTHSIDE

HWY. 17 ROADHOUSE, 850532 U.S. 17, Yulee, 225-9211 Live music at 9 p.m. Fri. & Sat. SANDOLLAR, 9716 Heckscher Dr., 251-2449 Larry & the Backtracks at 6 p.m. on June 27. Blistur at 4 p.m. on June 29 THREE LAYERS COFFEEHOUSE, 1602 Walnut St., 355-9791 Mama Blue at 6:30 p.m. on July 1. Open mic at 7 p.m. every Thur. Want to see your band’s concert dates listed here? Email all the details – date, time, venue, ticket /admission price and band name – to djohnson@folioweekly.com or mdryden@folioweekly.com. Deadline is 4 p.m. Friday.

A&E // MOVIES

HUNGRY FOR MORE Jon Favreau returns to his indie roots, cooking up Grade-A food porn with a Grade-C story

hen surveying great instances of culinary strengthens the bonds between Carl and his son, and then moves on. There are no setbacks, cinema — i.e., movies that contain conflicts or tests of character. Just long lines Grade-A food porn — it becomes obvious that I’m assembling a list of all-around of hungry, happy fans. For all the mileage Carl puts on the food truck’s odometer, the story terrific films. Babette’s Feast, Big Night, Eat goes nowhere. Drink Man Woman and Tampopo all preceded Of course, it’s hard not to see the parallels the age of foodie fetishism and Food Channel between Carl’s journey from soul-less success programming, serving up mouth-watering to back-to-the-cutting-board bliss and gastronomy with well-nourished narratives. Favreau’s choice to step off the big-budget Writer-actor-director Jon Favreau’s superhero treadmill (he directed Cowboys and relentlessly pleasant Chef definitely brings the gourmet erotica, offering the gut-teasing image Aliens and the first two Iron Man flicks) and of a knife salaciously slicing through the tender return to his indie roots. But the essential difference between pink flesh of barbecued brisket and a grilled Favreau’s low-budget debut Swingers and this cheese sandwich lovingly slathered with butter back-to-basics passion project is, ironically, and massaged across a hot grill. But when it hunger. When he was an unknown, Swingers comes to telling a story, it would be charitable had the nervous energy and inspiration of an to call Chef shapeless and slight. undiscovered filmmaker determined to make Carl Casper (Favreau) is a once-rising his mark. Chef, on the other hand, feels like chef who cooks middlebrow cuisine for an a low-risk side project, where Favreau can unimaginative restaurateur (Dustin Hoffman). call in favors from When a renowned A-list friends. Which food critic (Oliver explains why Sofia Platt) eviscerates his CHEF Vergara, Scarlett menu in a review, **G@ Johansson, Amy Carl stumbles into Rated R Sedaris and the a social media war hilariously manic that culminates with Robert Downey Jr. a hysterical tableside (whose five-minute scene steals the show) fill confrontation. It’s captured on customer out the supporting cast. cellphones and spread virally across the web, Perhaps the most interesting and revealing and he quickly finds himself out of a job and moment here is Favreau’s early confrontation without any prospects. with Platt’s food critic. It’s a surprisingly long Coaxed into visiting Miami by his exand passionately yell-y diatribe about how his wife, Carl ends up getting a food truck, which nasty reviews are both ignorant and hurtful. reignites his passion for cooking. Together The point is quietly reiterated near the end of with his former motor-mouthed assistant the film, even as both the cook and the critic (John Leguizamo), he road-trips across the bury the cleaver. One can’t help but wonder if country, earning a passionate following for Favreau is reacting to negative critiques of his his new Cubano-flavored sandwiches and recent work. If so, it’s an awkward and petty connecting with his neglected 10-year-old son bit of retribution in an otherwise likeably (Emjay Anthony). upbeat movie. Favreau’s engaging first act meanders a It also stands in sharp contrast to bit, but does a decent job of setting up Carl’s laid-back love of cooking and his self-defeating Ratatouille’s (possibly too) generous point that sometimes critics really do serve a purpose, not volatility. He’s a whiz with the knife, and the film’s low-key appreciation for culinary artistry only exposing people to innovative new work but even sacrificing their own reputations to is a welcome contrast to the chest-thumping further the notoriety of an undiscovered talent. machismo of popular food competition shows. But once the story hits the road and moves into Given my profession, I could be rationalizing its tension-free second act, Chef plays more like my preference for Brad Bird’s wonderful defense of good taste. Or maybe it’s just that a bouncy Food Channel travel montage than a Remy the rat had a better story. fully developed drama or character portrait. Favreau visits Austin and New Orleans, Jeff Meyers gives us a few glimpses of local flavor, gently mail@folioweekly.com

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 19

A&E // MOVIES

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audience is lucky that those days include t the start of this film, struggling Brooklyn regular drop-ins by her plainspoken best standup comic Donna (Jenny Slate) friend, Nellie. (Memo to moviemakers: takes the stage to deliver a mighty riff Please just put on vaginal discharge. Gaby Hoffmann in Now, 50 percent everything.) of the population OBVIOUS CHILD There’s also a already knows ***G sort-of love interest, plenty about vaginal Rated R • Opens June 27 at Sun-Ray Cinema a wholesome, discharge, but most pressed-khakis type movies politely avert (Jake Lacy). He looks their gaze from these like that guy who was in that thing that one undainty truths and instead scan the horizon time — i.e., generic — and the script is smart for a more user-friendly dick joke. (You can not to pin too many hopes on him. In any find that next door at 22 Jump Street.) case, it isn’t his story, it’s Donna’s, and Slate Donna’s crude comedy — punched up by is so dynamic, so 100-proof Slate’s vox-box-vrooming potent, that it’s easy to between a high-pitched be entirely smitten with Muppet-y squeak and a her. The love interest, a low, whiskeyed growl — is watered-down well drink, a calculated move on the is superfluous. part of writer-director Obvious Child takes Gillian Robespierre. Call it the same shape as its elfin a statement of purpose, and lead actress: It’s just a slip possibly a dare. of a thing, and it slips Soon after we meet her, easily into different guises, Donna gets dumped. She from coarsely funny to gets sad and sloppy-drunk, gloaming-gloomy. It’s an indie film about then sleeps with a stranger. She gets pregnant. abortion that comes snuggled in the broad She decides to get an abortion. These are plot strokes of a quirky relationship comedy. points (nothing the trailer doesn’t already A grump might wonder when indie give away), but in between these points is the films got so soft, but I’m more intrigued by messy, funny, peripatetic business of waking the inverse: Why aren’t more studio films up and going to work and having dinner this clever and winning and conversant with friends or parents, even when there’s a in the same language as their audience? Planned Parenthood appointment circled on Acknowledging 50 percent of the population the calendar. shouldn’t seem so daring. Emotionally troubled but constitutionally tough, Donna keeps going about her days Kimberley Jones — what else is she going to do? — and the mail@folioweekly.com

Why aren’t more studio films this clever and winning and conversant in the same language as their audience?

A&E // MOVIES

NOT THIS KIND OF MESSY Even Christopher Walken can’t save Clint Eastwood’s stiff Four Seasons biopic

’m hearing it in sky blue,” complains music goombah Robert Pattinson) and his early career producer Bob Crewe in the middle of in music and relatively petty crime, which is recording a track with the singing group punctuated by spells in prison that he accepts that will later be called The Four Seasons. with aplomb as a part of the business. Tommy’s “You’re giving me brown.” pal Frankie Castelluccio (John Lloyd Young) — Alas, the same could be said of director Clint later Frankie Valli — has not dreamed of being Eastwood’s film adaptation of the Broadway a gangster, and he’s not very good at it, but he and West End hit Jersey Boys, about the rise and catches the ear, with his angelic singing voice, rise and rise — with only a little stumbling — of of Tommy’s mobster mentor, Gyp DeCarlo the now-legendary Frankie Valli and The Four (Christopher Walken), which will be helpful Seasons. This is a stodgy mess of a movie in later when Tommy’s predilection for loan which a mostly bland cast is shoved around like sharks will come back to bite the whole group pawns on a narrative chessboard to tell a ragsin the ass. Whenever Walken is onscreen, the to-riches story we’ve seen too many times, and film springs to life, and it deflates the moment with far more emotional richness and cultural the actor walks off, but that’s not a good reason insight. There is no passion for music here, and to focus so much on the mafia angle. no appreciation for what made Valli and The Fun fact: Future Goodfellas actor Joe Four Seasons so popular. If you don’t already Pesci is a character here, portrayed by Joseph know that they are one of the Russo; he’s the guy who biggest singing groups of all introduces hugely talented time, and on an international songwriter Bob Gaudio JERSEY BOYS scale — they were The Beatles (Erich Bergen) to Tommy, *G@@ before The Beatles came which will cement the band’s Rated R along — you’ll find little hint future fortunes. The script, by Marshall Brickman and of it here. A few allusions Rick Elice, will go on to all but ignore Bob’s in a couple of lines of dialogue about grueling talent, which could have potentially made tours and money being thrown around with him the most intriguing character here. This abandon cannot make up for everything that isn’t here: a palpable, visceral awareness of the is an extra pity, because Bergen is a high point sex appeal of rock ’n’ roll. among the otherwise forgettable cast, which My initial reaction was that Eastwood is rounded out by Michael Lomenda as the simply does not get pop music, but the more fourth Season, Nick Massi. I think on it, the more I wonder if he isn’t The impromptu song that Bob plays at actively disdainful and suspicious of it. The his audition to join the band is one of the Four Seasons’ music is undeniably fun, if a bit few moments when Jersey Boys hits a groove: cheesy and dated today, but there’s nowhere The other guys join in and jam, and we get near enough of it in a story that is supposedly a genuine sense of the four of them being about that music — and when it does show actual creative musicians, just they really up, it’s presented with an embarrassing were, in their own moment, not as stiff robots stiffness, as if Eastwood doesn’t know what regurgitating old (to our ears) tunes that are to make of it. One early performance by the more Muzak than fresh and authentic. But guys on the TV show American Bandstand that’s lost among weird scene transitions, is directed in the kind of static, on-the-nose jumps in time that are pointlessly confusing, way I’d expect from an amateur director. a mangled subplot about Valli’s daughter, Eastwood’s discomfort with his own material mumbled and unnecessary narrations into the is enormous and obvious. camera by characters that often seem random, And then there’s the problem that Eastwood and other cinematic flubs. doesn’t seem to know whether he’s making Rock ’n’ roll should be messy, but not this Goodfellas or, perhaps, Walk the Line. Eastwood kind of messy. has a lot of sympathy and a lot more time for MaryAnn Johanson Tommy DeVito (Vincent Piazza, who’s like a mail@folioweekly.com

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 21

A&E // MOVIES

MAGIC LANTERNS

THE OTHER LOLITA

“How Did They Ever Make a Movie of Lolita?” proclaimed one of the initial ad posters for Stanley Kubrick’s 1962 film. How, indeed? Originally published in 1955, Vladimir Nabokov’s novel of the same name, about a middle-aged man’s obsessive relationship with his 12-year-old stepdaughter, generated instant controversy and almost as immediate acclaim. Today, it’s considered a masterpiece of 20th-century literature. By 1962, Kubrick had only three major films to his credit (The Killing, Paths of Glory and Spartacus), so undertaking a film version of Lolita was risky. Enlisting Nabokov himself to do the screenplay and careful to address the concerns of various watchdog organizations, Kubrick pulled off yet another classic. Fourteen-year-old Sue Lyon makes an impressive debut as the title character, but the film’s great performances belong to James Mason as Humbert Humbert (the stepfather) and Peter Sellers as his nemesis Quilty. It’s ironic that Nabokov won the film’s only Oscar nomination for his screenplay because much of his script was usurped by Kubrick and Sellers. Encouraged by the director to improvise, Sellers brings much of the novel’s rich comic undertones to the film, this despite the unsavory subject matter of pedophilia. Two years later, of course, Sellers would absolutely dominate Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove. Thirty-five years after Kubrick’s Lolita, director Adrian Lyne undertook a new version of the novel that’s even more faithful to its source material. The result is a beautiful film (anything but salacious or gratuitous), which created such an uproar that it went practically unseen on American screens. Rejected by stateside distributors, the film finally received its major premiere on Showtime, then was unceremoniously consigned to home video, where, even today, it is fairly difficult to find. Set in the ’40s (like the novel) as opposed to Kubrick’s ’50s, Lyne’s film (scripted by Stephen Schiff ) restores the novel’s more straightforward narrative chronology. (Kubrick opened with the end of the novel and the killing of Quilty.) The first-person narrative, again closely adhering to the novel, does more than set the scene, as in Kubrick’s version. Humbert, for instance, recalls an important relationship from his teen years (again, right out of the novel), which helps establish and explain his fixation on young girls. Thus, we see more into Humbert’s tortured soul and his growing self-hatred in tandem with his love for Lolita. As a result, the tone is far more elegiac and tragic than the earlier version, a fact underlined by the epilogue, in which we learn not only that Humbert dies in prison (as in Kubrick’s film) but that Lolita herself succumbs in childbirth on Christmas Day (curiously omitted in the first film). Dominique Swain, 14 years old at the time of filming, is absolutely brilliant as the titular character. The same is true, not unexpectedly, of Jeremy Lyons. And Frank Langella’s Quilty is ominous and threatening, never funny. Evocative, elegiac and profoundly moving, Adrian Lyne’s Lolita is an unjustly ignored masterpiece of important filmmaking. Pat McLeod mail@folioweekly.com 22 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

FILM RATINGS **** WALK LIKE A MAN

***@ BYE, BYE, BABY

**@@ RAG DOLL

*@@@ OH WHAT A NIGHT

OTHER FILMS SUMMER MOVIE CLASSICS The annual series, celebrating movie anniversaries, starts with The Wizard of Oz, marking 75 years and starring Judy Garland, Bert Lahr and Margaret Hamilton, at 2 p.m. on June 29 at The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, $7.50 each; $45 for 10, 355-2787, floridatheatre.com. NIGHT OWL CINEMA The Little Mermaid screens at 8 p.m. on June 29 at St. Augustine Amphitheatre, 1340 A1A S.; admission is free, 209-0367, staugamphitheatre.com. SUN-RAY CINEMA 22 Jump Street, Chef, Le Weekend, Breadcrumb Trail and Palo Alto show at 1028 Park St., 5 Points, 359-0049, sunraycinema.com. Happy Feet continues the Summer Kids Series at 11 a.m. June 25 and 28; a kids’ film runs every Wed. and Sat. through July 19. Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome runs at 9:30 p.m. June 27. LATITUDE 30 MOVIES Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Lego Movie and Divergent are on at Latitude 30’s CineGrille Theater, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555. WGHF IMAX THEATER How to Train Your Dragon 2, Island of Lemurs: Madagascar and D-Day Normandy screen at World Golf IMAX, St. Augustine, worldgolfimax.com.

NOW SHOWING 22 JUMP STREET ***G Rated R The sequel is funnier, cleverer, wittier, snarkier and morer. Cops Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum) have “graduated” to going undercover at Metro City State College, investigating a drug case that’s “just like last time.” This movie is as big, loud, actiony and goofy as an action comedy sequel can be, and yet it’s (mostly) not stupid, sexist or homophobic. There’s a running joke about how Jenko, who’s dumber than a bag of Glocks, sometimes realizes this, and laments how it limits him. “Fuck you, brain,” he says, rather sadly, to himself, and it zings by before you realize how brilliant that is. — MaryAnn Johanson ALONE YET NOT ALONE Rated PG-13 The historical drama costars Kelly Grayson, Natalie Racoosin and Ozzie Torres. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 **@@ Rated PG-13 Complaints range from too many villains to allegedly cheap, cut-sceney FX to the unreality of casting a black actor as a guy who throws thunderbolts from his body. Maybe Marc Webb has committed a colossal blunder in rushing toward a Sinister Six movie and maybe he hasn’t; judge for yourself. — Steve Schneider BLENDED Rated PG-13 In 50 First Dates, Drew Barrymore played a woman whose lack of short-term memory kept her from knowing she’d already gone out with Adam Sandler. Life imitates art: Real Drew may have a similar cranial trauma, since she can’t recall she’s made three movies with the guy. — S.S. CHEF **G@ Rated R Reviewed in this issue. EDGE OF TOMORROW ***G Rated PG-13 Filmmaker Doug Liman directs the sci-fi action drama with Tom Cruise as a smarmy Army major, Brendan Gleason as a hardcore Army general and Emily Blunt as a soldier with a weird backstory, embroiled in an alien invasion that brings out the worst in everybody. — M.J. THE FAULT IN OUR STARS Rated PG-13 John Green’s novel about young cancer patients in love yields a date movie/weeper. When the book came out, the critical praise it got was interrupted only by a Daily Mail pan that consigned it to the “Sick-Lit” subgenre of juvie fiction (yes, that’s a thing). One detail to watch: In the book, our heroes bond over V for Vendetta, and if that’s in the movie, it means someone’s finally going to see V for Vendetta. — S.S. GODZILLA ***G Rated PG-13 This version updates the King of All Monsters nicely, in tandem with the global zeitgeist. Instead of

THE ROVER nukes, global warming is the bugaboo behind today’s ’Zilla. Dr. Ichiro Serizawa (Ken Watanabe) works with a secret research group studying Godzilla since the ’50s – those Pacific nuke “tests” were efforts to kill the damn thing. Costars Bryan Cranston, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Juliette Binoche, Elizabeth Olsen and Sally Hawkins. — M.J. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2 ***G Rated PG The sequel picks up five years on; seaside Viking village Berk is experiencing a new normal of dragons as trusted companions. Costars the voices of Gerard Butler, Cate Blanchett, Jay Baruchel, Craig Ferguson, America Ferrera, Jonah Can’t-Stop-Starring Hill, Christopher MintzPlase and Kristen Wiig. — Scott Renshaw HUMSHAKALS Not Rated The Bollywood romcom (the title means look-alike) costars Saif Ali Khan, Ritesh Deshmukh and Ram Kapoor. JERSEY BOYS *G@@ Rated R Reviewed in this issue. MALEFICENT Rated PG When Wicked let grade-school girls and middleaged homosexuals reimagine The Wizard of Oz from the ostensible villain’s point of view, the Disney Company’s rodent ears shot up: “Hah! We’ve got a buttload of public-domain baddies,” they chortled. So we see the messy Sleeping Beauty deal played out according to its antagonist queen (Angelina Jolie) – the only character from the original you know. — S.S. A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST Rated R When you’re a fan of someone pilloried mercilessly by cognoscenti, you’re heartbroken watching him prove every rotten thing they said. (See: Clay, Andrew Dice.) Is that true of Seth MacFarlane, the standard-bearer of comedy too funny for folks with advanced degrees? Please, God, let this just be boneheaded marketing drastically misrepresenting a modern-day inheritor to Support Your Local Sheriff, and not confirmation there really isn’t much daylight between Peter Griffin and Dane Cook after all. — S.S. NEIGHBORS **G@ Rated R New parents Mac (Seth Rogen) and Kelly (Rose Byrne) Radner have to put up with the Delta Psi fraternity in the house next door. They try to play nice with the party-hearty crew led by chapter president Teddy (Zac Efron), but escalating noise leads to a conflict. — S.R. OBVIOUS CHILD ***G Rated R • Opens June 27 at Sun-Ray Cinema Reviewed in this issue. PALO ALTO *G@@ Rated R Based on James Franco’s short stories, adapted for the screen and directed by Gia Coppola, granddaughter of Francis Ford Coppola. April (Emma Roberts), is a teenaged girl who’s kinda into stoner Teddy (Jack Kilmer) and also kinda into her soccer coach, Mr. B (ahem, Franco),

who’s also kinda into her. — M.J. THE ROVER Rated R David Michod’s filmmaking debut, Animal Kingdom, depicted the travails of an Australian crime family. Here, he’s gone full-bore apocalyptic, joining the action 10 years after a complete bottoming-out of the world economy. The setting is still Down Under, and the cast still features Guy Pearce (since nobody in America is gonna pay jacksquat to see an Aussie movie that doesn’t have Pearce). The narrative focus is both more expansive and more intimate, as Pearce’s character traverses the outback hellscape on a righteous quest to retrieve … his car. Hey, it worked for Mel Gibson, right? (Making movies about a post-apocalyptic Australia, I mean; not having a car.) — S.S. THE SIGNAL Rated PG-13 The sci-fi thriller costars Laurence Fishburne, Brenton Thwaites and Olivia Cooke. THINK LIKE A MAN TOO Rated PG-13 Think Like a Man answered one of modern society’s nagging questions: “Who in the name of all that’s holy would take relationship advice from Steve Harvey?” This tackles a more pressing issue: “Who would take relationship advice from the guy twice?” Couples go to Las Vegas for a multiple wedding, but the lures of Sin City cause their bestlaid plans to go astray. That’s one big “NO” to having your nuptials in America’s capital of toilet-derived syphilis and instant personal bankruptcy. Damn, this is some priceless wisdom, playa! — S.S. TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF DISTINCTION Rated PG-13 • Opens June 28 Is there life after Shia LeBeouf? More to the point, is there life for Shia LeBeouf? Now that the tweeter ya love to hate decided his Joaquin Phoenix act wasn’t working for him any better than it worked for, well, Joaquin Phoenix, there’s a huge opp for another allegedly corporeal actor to line up with the uppity Datsuns that are the real stars of the franchise. In fact, the fourth Trannies picture has a whole new cast of humans, led by the always game and unencumbered-by-self-awareness Mark Wahlberg. Marky’s performance in Extinction is quite the meme thanks to the trailer, which made “I tink we just found a Transfomah!” an instant target for our society’s Chris Hardwicks. (Note to Hollywood: He who loses Hardwick has lost the nation.) Director Michael Bay is back, after some chatter that he might join LaBeouf on the “disgraced alumni” list. So what does the Orson Welles of tinting and detailing promise for No. 4? “This is a much more cinematic one,” Bay told Yahoo UK (distinguishing it from earlier ones, which were apparently live radio plays). He said it would be “less goofy.” So, for reference: The plot depicts a new era for Autobots, as cars-that-turn-into-robots are joined by Dinobots, robots taking the form of dinosaurs. Yep, nothin’ but hard-nosed realism as far as the eye can see. — S.S. X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST ***G Rated PG-13 Bryan Singer’s action-packed film costars Michael Fassbender and Nicholas Hoult.

ABOUT A MAN

A&E // COMEDY

‘Daily Show’ alum and long-in-the-making sitcom star Al Madrigal brings his standup routine to Mandarin

big break can sometimes lead you in a direction you weren’t expecting to go. That’s what happened to standup comedian Al Madrigal, one of the stars of the critically acclaimed NBC sitcom About a Boy — based on a Hugh Grant movie that had been, in turn, based on a Nick Hornby book — which scored decent-enough ratings to be picked up for a second season. He began acting almost by accident. Early in his standup career, he was chosen to perform at the prestigious Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal. A casting director caught one of his performances, and asked him to audition for a sitcom pilot that was going to be pitched to NBC. “I got cast in my own sitcom right away,” he says. “I really got a taste of acting with no real experience.” Madrigal moved with his wife and then-1-year-old daughter to Los Angeles from San Francisco. But the series, The Ortegas (which, incidentally, co-starred Cheech Marin), never made it to air; at the end of the 2003 TV season, it shuffled from NBC to Fox, which killed it before anyone ever saw it. “I’ve been working and putting my head down ever since,” Madrigal says. ”I’ve done eight pilots. [About a Boy] is the fourth one to make it to air, and the first one to make it to a second season, if you can believe that.” About a Boy was created by Jason Katims (the brains behind the acclaimed Friday Night Lights, as well as Parenthood and Roswell) and debuted on NBC back in January as a mid-season replacement. “It really is a fun show to do,” Madrigal says. “It has a lot of heart, it’s funny, and everybody in the cast and crew really cares about each other, and I think that shows.” Fans of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart will recognize Madrigal — he’s been a correspondent there since 2011. In an appearance in April, he was brought in as the Senior Latino Correspondent to comment on Telemundo’s, Univision’s and Fox News’ coverage of the Affordable Care Act. After showing a clip from Univision advising viewers to check their eligibility, Madrigal showed a video from a Fox News report called “Eye on Obamacare.” “It’s how you cover the Affordable Care Act,” he told Stewart, “with a fair and balanced mash-up of Obamacare, Contagion, and The Walking Dead credits.” “I’m not able to get on as much as I was a couple of years ago, pre-About a Boy,” Madrigal says, “but they’re still bringing me in for field pieces, which is awesome because that’s what I really enjoy doing over there.”

Now off for the summer from About a Boy, Madrigal has been able to once again focus on his first comedic passion. “I love doing standup,” he says, “and that’s why I got into all of this. It’s like I’ve been directed away from standup by the TV stuff, and had I put my head down and just done standup, I think a lot more people would know me for that. Now, I’m trying to jam it in there, because I think I’m good at it.” On stage he draws inspiration from his family. “My kids are starting to talk back, and the worst part about it is they’re making sense,” he joked at an appearance on The Late Late Show in November. “We were going to my friend’s house and my 6-yearold comes out wearing floods with holes in the knees.” Madrigal ordered his son to change, explaining that the boy would be embarrassed when people saw him. “My son said, ‘I’m not going to be embarrassed. They’re your friends; you’re going to be embarrassed.’ Touché, 6-year old.” Convincing his own parents that comedy was a worthwhile vocation wasn’t easy in the beginning. Madrigal was being groomed to take over the family business in San Francisco, but would frequently run off to do standup gigs. “My dad would yell at me when I was driving up to Sacramento. He’d ask, ‘Why in the hell are you driving to Sacramento?’” It got worse when Madrigal told his dad he was being paid $25 for the gig. “He’d yell, ‘Are you out of your mind?’” Of course, his father has since changed his mind. “He probably has a picture of me at the side of his bed because he’s so happy and proud.” PF Wilson mail@folioweekly.com

AL MADRIGAL 8 p.m. June 26, 8 and 10 p.m. June 27 & 28 The Comedy Zone (in Ramada Inn Mandarin), $25, 292-4242, comedyzone.com JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 23

A&E // ARTS PERFORMANCE

SHREK THE MUSICAL An ogre, a donkey and a princess try to save a swamp, through July 27 (Doors, 5:30 p.m. Tue.-Sun.; matinees, 11 a.m. Sat., noon Sun.) at Alhambra Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., Southside, $38-$55, 641-1212, alhambrajax.com. OLIVER! Musical adaption of Dickens’ classic runs 7:30 p.m. June 26-29 and July 3-5, 2 p.m. June 29 and July 5 and 6 on Limelight Theatre’s Matuza Main Stage, 11 Old Mission Ave., St. Augustine, $25, 825-1164, limelight-theatre.org. PIRATES OF PENZANCE The comic opera is presented at 3 p.m. June 29 at Orange Park Community Theatre, 2900 Moody Ave., $20, 276-2599, opct.org. THE FOREIGNER The play runs through June 28 at Amelia Community Theatre, 209 Cedar Street, Fernandina Beach, $10-$20, 261-6749, ameliacommunitytheatre.org.

COMEDY

AL MADRIGAL A correspondent on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” Madrigal appears 8 p.m. June 26 and 8 and 10 p.m. June 27 and 28 at The Comedy Zone, 3130 Hartley Rd., Mandarin, $20-$25, 292-4242, comedyzone.com. JAMES YON Comedian Yon performs 9 p.m. June 28 at Latitude 30, 10370 Philips Highway, Southside, 365-5555, latthirty.com. PAUL VARGHESE Comic Varghese performs 8:04 p.m. June 26-28 and 10:10 p.m. June 28 at the Comedy Club of Jacksonville, 11000 Beach Blvd., $6-$25, 646-4277, jacksonvillecomedy.com.

CALLS & WORKSHOPS

MOSH AFTER DARK, WINE 101 WORKSHOP David Joudi (Riverside Liquors Village Wine Shop, Royal Palm Village Wine & Tapas) discusses the history of wine and how it’s made 6 p.m. June 26 at the Museum of Science & History, 1025 Museum Circle, Southbank, $20, 396-6674, themosh.org. SCULPTURE WALK JAX The Cultural Council of Greater Jacksonville invites artists to submit pieces for Sculpture Walk Jax, a Spark Grant project and temporary juried exhibit of 10 large-scale sculptures for Main Street Park. Entry deadline is June 30. For details, go to sculpturewalkjax.files.wordpress. com/2014/03/sculpture-walk_calltoartists.pdf. CREATIVE DRAMA SUMMER CAMP Atlantic Beach Experimental Theatre offers kids in grades 1 and 2 theater games, music, dance, improv and storytelling, 9 a.m. July 7-11 at Adele Grage Cultural Center, 716 Ocean Blvd., 249-7177, abettheatre.com. BLACK & WHITE: PHOTOJOURNALISM PANEL DISCUSSION Experts from journalism, contemporary art and publishing debate aspects of The New York Times Magazine Photographs exhibit at 7 p.m. July 10 at MOCA, 333 N. Laura St., Downtown, free, 366-6911, mocajacksonville.org. ACTEEN STAGE LAB Children and teens in grades 6-12 learn street style and ambush theater at 6:30 p.m. every Wed. at Limelight Theatre, $80/session, 825-1164, limelight-theatre.org. FIGURE DRAWING Live model figure drawing; artists bring supplies, 7 p.m. every Tue. (no session during week of First Wednesday Art Walk) at The Art Center II, 229 N. Hogan St., $5 for TAC members, $10 for nonmembers. Elbert Shubert offers live model portrait painting 9 a.m. July 5; $5 for members, $10 for nonmembers; artists bring supplies. IMPROVISATION FOR ADULTS Atlantic Beach Experimental Theatre’s four-week course is led by actor/instructor Gary Baker; $85, 2-4 p.m. July 6, 13, 20 and 27 at Adele Grage Cultural Center, abettheatre.com. TEDx SPEAKER APPLICATIONS TEDxJacksonville accepts applications until June 30 for its second annual conference, to be held Oct. 25 at WJCT. The theme is “Unknowing.” tedxjacksonville.com/become-a-speaker. THE ADDAMS FAMILY Auditions held at 6 p.m. July 15 for the musical (staged Sept. 19-Oct. 19) at Limelight Theatre, limelight-theatre.org.

CLASSICAL & JAZZ

ST. AUGUSTINE MUSIC FESTIVAL The eighth annual festival under artistic director Jorge A. Pena, a Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra violist, features six concerts and violinist Elissa Lee Koljonen, Astor Piazzolla, Andres Cardenes, guitarist Stephen Robinson, flautist Les Roettges and pianist Eugenio UrrutiaBorlando, 7:30 p.m. June 26-28 at St. Augustine Cathedral Basilica, 38 Cathedral Place, staugustinemusicfestival.org. SUMMER HORNS The Grammy-nominated jazz group – Dave Koz, Mindi Abair, Gerald Albright and Richard Elliot – performs at 8 p.m. June 26 at The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, $50-$70, 355-5661, floridatheatre.com. RITZ THEATRE OPEN HOUSE The Katz Downstairz fuse jazz, neo soul, R&B and blues at an open house to introduce new theater coordinator Jennifer Covington, 1-4 p.m. June 28 at 829 N. Davis St., Downtown. Admission to the museum is free; food and beverage available from Cravingz Food Truck and Savor… Jacksonville. SUMMER JAZZ SERIES The final concert in the series, featuring Nick Colionne, Jessy J and Nate Mitchell, starts 5 p.m. July 13 at SeaWalk Pavilion, Jax Beach, free, jacksonvillebeach.org.

24 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

SIREN’S CALL: Eric Gillyard’s Siren (a 30-by-40-inch collage) is among his new works in Vagaries of Fiction, on display at Bold Bean Coffee Roasters in Riverside, opening July 1. Crystal Floyd’s mixed-media terrariums and special-edition screen prints show there through June 29, then move to Bold Bean’s new Jax Beach shop. JAZZ IN PONTE VEDRA The Gary Starling Group (Carol Sheehan, Billy Thornton, Peter Miles) 7:30-10:30 p.m. every Thur. at Table 1, 330 A1A N., 280-5515. JAZZ IN RIVERSIDE Trumpeter Ray Callendar and guitarist Taylor Roberts, 9:30 p.m. every Thur. at Kickbacks Gastropub, 910 King St., 388-9551. JAZZ IN MANDARIN Boril Ivanov Trio 7 p.m. every Thur., pianist David Gum 7 p.m. every Fri. at Tree Steakhouse, 11362 San Jose Blvd., 262-0006. JAX BEACH JAZZ 6-9 p.m. every Fri. at Landshark Café, 1728 Third St. N., 246-6024. JAZZ IN NEPTUNE BEACH 7:30-9:30 p.m. every Sat. at Lillie’s Coffee Bar, 200 First St., 249-2922. ST. AUGUSTINE JAZZ The House Cats, 9:30 p.m.-1 a.m. every Sat. at Stogies Club & Listening Room, 36 Charlotte St., 826-4008. JAZZ IN AVONDALE The Von Barlow Trio and Third Bass, 9 p.m. every Sun. at Casbah Café, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966. JAZZ IN ST. AUGUSTINE Nightly at Rhett’s Piano Bar & Brasserie, 66 Hypolita St., 825-0502.

ART WALKS, FESTIVALS & MARKETS

DOWNTOWN FRIDAY MARKET Arts and crafts and local produce are offered 10 a.m.-2 p.m. June 27 and every Fri. at The Jacksonville Landing, 2 Independent Dr., Downtown, 353-1188. RIVERSIDE ARTS MARKET Local and regional art, local music, food artists and a farmers market are featured, 10 a.m.-4 p.m. June 28 and every Sat. under the Fuller Warren Bridge, 715 Riverside Ave., free admission, 389-2449, riversideartsmarket.com. UPTOWN SATURDAY NIGHT The self-guided tour features galleries, antique stores and shops open from 5-9 p.m. June 28 and every last Sat. in St. Augustine’s San Marco District, 824-3152. FIRST WEDNESDAY ART WALK The art walk, held 5-9 p.m. July 2 and every first Wed., features more than 13 live music venues, more than 13 hotspots open after 9 p.m. and 50 total participating venues. spanning 15 blocks in Downtown Jacksonville. downtownjacksonville.org/marketing; iloveartwalk.com. FIRST FRIDAY ART WALK The tour of Art Galleries of St. Augustine is held July 4 and every first Fri., with more than 15 galleries participating, 829-0065.

MUSEUMS

CUMMER MUSEUM OF ART & GARDENS 829 Riverside Ave., 356-6857, cummer.org. Collector’s Choice: Inside the Hearts and Minds of Regional Collectors, through Sept. 14. The Human Figure: Sculptures by Enzo Torcoletti is on display through September. A Commemoration of the Civil Rights Movement: Photography from the High Museum of Art is on display through Nov. 2. KARPELES MANUSCRIPT MUSEUM 101 W. First St., Springfield, 356-2992, rain.org. Revisiting French Light, Florida Light, held in cooperation with the Sister Cities Association and Nantes, France, features watercolors, oils and acrylics by Gordon Meggison; is on display through June 28. MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART JACKSONVILLE 333 N. Laura St., Downtown, 366-6911, mocajacksonville.com. The exhibit New York Times Magazine Photographs, curated by Kathy Ryan and Lesley Martin, runs through Aug. 24. Scott Ingram exhibits a survey collection of drawings and objects through Aug. 24. MUSEUM OF SCIENCE & HISTORY 1025 Museum Circle, Southbank, 396-6674, themosh.org. Uncovering the Past: Archaeological Discoveries of North Florida is on display through August. First Friday Cosmic Concerts feature the music of Jimmy Buffett, Laseropolis, Pink Floyd or Metallica every first Fri. (with rotating bands’ music). VISITOR INFORMATION CENTER 10 W. Castillo Dr., St. Augustine, 825-1000, staugustine-450.com/journey. Journey: 450 years of the African-American Experience through July 15.

GALLERIES

AMIRO ART & FOUND 9C Aviles St., St. Augustine, 824-8460, amiroartandfound.com. The exhibit By the Sea, featuring works by Jeanine Maleno, Jim McBride, Nancy Hamlin-Vogler, Deane Kellogg and Wendy Mandel McDaniel, is on display through June. THE ART CENTER PREMIER GALLERY Bank of America Tower, 50 N. Laura St., Downtown, 355-1757. In Jacksonville Life: Things That Made Our City Great, artists display works that pertain to images of the city, through July 8. Sand and Sea: Two Elements, Infinite Visions features art that depicts water and water sports, on display July 10-Sept 2. BOLD BEAN COFFEE ROASTERS 869 Stockton St., Ste. 1, Riverside, 855-1181. CoRK Arts District’s Crystal Floyd displays mixed-media, made with Bold Bean espresso mixed into the ink, through June 29. Eric Gillyard’s exhibit of new

collage works, Vagaries of Fiction, opens July 1. THE CULTURAL CENTER AT PONTE VEDRA BEACH 50 Executive Way, 280-0614. Under the Tall Sky, an exhibit of mixed-media works by Barbara Holmes-Fryfield and ceramic sculptures by Fay Samimi, on display through July 3. FIRST STREET GALLERY 216-B First St., Neptune Beach, 241-6928, firststreetgalleryart.com. The 12th annual Sea Turtle Show – featuring clay, jewelry, paintings, photography, metal and glass in sea turtle themes – continues through July 7. The exhibit is a Beaches Sea Turtle Patrol fundraiser. FLORIDA MINING GALLERY 5300 Shad Rd., Southside, 425-2845, floridamininggallery.com. Diogenes The Dog & Ryan Rummel is displayed through July 3. HASKELL GALLERY & JIA DISPLAY CASES 14201 Pecan Park Rd., Northside, 741-3546. Keith Doles’ Street Series and Street Corners runs through June 29. Dorian Eng’s Chinese and Japanese art, Temari and Yubinuki, is displayed through July 7 in Connector Bridge Art display case. Marsha Glaziere’s Eclectic Coffee Spots in Puget Sound, a collection of paintings, photographs and impressions, displays through July 5 in Concourse A and C display cases. LUFRANO INTERCULTURAL GALLERY 1 UNF Drive, Student Union, Southside, 620-2475. Indigenous bird paintings are on display in Anthony Whiting: Florida’s Wild Birds, through Aug. 6. PLUM GALLERY 9 Aviles St., St. Augustine, 825-0069, plumartgallery.com. American Craftsmen – mixed-media sculptures, handcrafted furniture, stained glass and linocut prints – by Nicola Barsaleau, Meagan Chaney Gumpert, Jessie Cook, Duke Darnold and Rachel deCuba, through August. ROTUNDA GALLERY St. Johns County Admin. Bldg., 500 San Sebastian View, St. Augustine. St. Augustine Camera Club’s third annual Juried Member Photography Show, through July 24. ST. AUGUSTINE ART ASSOCIATION 22 Marine St., 824-2310, staaa.org. The annual Honors Show features new works by artists who have won past exhibits; through July 6. SOUTHLIGHT GALLERY 201 N. Hogan St., Ste. 100, Downtown, 553-6361, southlightgallery.com. Members Choice, an invitational exhibit juried by Southlight members, displays works by Diantha York-Ripley, Shellie Thies, Lucy Clark, Troy Eittreim, Cathy Berse, Daniel Kraus, Virginia Cantore, Jami Childers, Sully Fontaine, Jeffrey Luque, Jessica Becker, Michael D. Glinski, Raquel Tripp, Margo Buccini and Wendy Tatter. Linda Grenville performs 6-9 p.m. July 2. The exhibit runs 11 a.m.-3 p.m. Tue.-Fri. through July. STELLERS GALLERY AT SAN MARCO 1409 Atlantic Blvd., 396-9492. Mike Perry’s New Horizons exhibit opens with a reception held 6 p.m. June 27.

DINING DIRECTORY To have your restaurant listed, contact your account manager or Sam Taylor, 904.260.9770 ext. 111 staylor@folioweekly.com DINING DIRECTORY KEY

Average Entrée Cost $ = Less than $8 $$ = $8- $14 $$$ = $15- $22 $$$$ = $23 & up BW = Beer/Wine FB = Full Bar K = Kids’ Menu TO = Take Out B = Breakfast R = Brunch L = Lunch D = Dinner Bite Club = Hosted a free Folio Weekly Bite Club tasting. Join at fwbiteclub.com. BOJ = 2013 Best of Jax winner F = FW distribution spot

AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA BEACH, YULEE

29 SOUTH EATS, 29 S. Third St., 277-7919. F In historic downtown, the popular bistro’s Chef Scotty Schwartz serves traditional world cuisine with a modern twist. $$ L Tue.-Sat.; D Mon.-Sat.; R Sun. BRETT’S WATERWAY CAFÉ, 1 S. Front St., 261-2660. F Southern hospitality in an upscale waterfront spot; daily specials, fresh local seafood, aged beef. $$$ FB K L D Daily CAFÉ KARIBO, 27 N. Third St., 277-5269. F In a historic building, family-owned spot serves worldly fare: homemade veggie burgers, fresh seafood, made-from-scratch desserts. Dine in or on oak-shaded patio. Karibrew Pub offers beer brewed onsite. $$ FB K TO R, Sun.; L D Daily CIAO ITALIAN BISTRO, 302 Centre St., 206-4311. Owners Luke and Kim Misciasci offer fine dining: veal piccata, rigatoni Bolognese, antipasto; house specialties are chicken Ciao, homemade-style meat lasagna. $ L Fri. & Sat.; D Nightly DAVID’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE, 802 Ash St., 310-6049. In Historic District. Fresh seafood, prime aged meats, rack of lamb served in an elegant, chic spot. $$$$ FB D Nightly DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 474313 E. S.R. 200, 491-3469. 450077 S.R. 200, Callahan, 879-0993. BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily JACK & DIANE’S, 708 Centre St., 321-1444. F In a renovated 1887 shotgun house. Favorites: jambalaya, French toast, mac-n-cheese, vegan, vegetarian selections. Dine inside or on the porch. $$ FB K B L D Daily LULU’S at Thompson House, 11 S. Seventh St., 432-8394. F Creative lunch: po’boys, salads, little plates. Dinner: fresh local seafood, Fernandina shrimp. Reservations recommended. $$$ BW K TO R Sun.; L D Tue.-Sat. MOON RIVER PIZZA, 925 S. 14th St., 321-3400. F BOJ winner. Northern-style pizzas, with more than 20 toppings, are served by the pie or the slice. $ BW TO L D Mon.-Sat. THE MUSTARD SEED CAFE, 833 TJ Courson Rd., 277-3141. Awarded Snail of Approval. Casual organic eatery and juice bar, in Nassau Health Foods. All-natural organic items, smoothies, juice, coffee, herbal tea. $$ TO B L Mon.-Sat. THE PECAN ROLL BAKERY, 122 S. Eighth St., 491-9815. Sweet and savory pastries, cookies, cakes and breads. Everything’s made from scratch. $ TO B L Wed.-Sun. PLAE, 80 Amelia Village Cir., 277-2132. Bite Club. Omni Plantation Spa & Shops. Bistro-style venue serves whole fried fish and duck breast. Outdoor dining. $$$ FB D Mon.-Sat. SALTY PELICAN BAR & GRILL, 12 N. Front St., 277-3811. F See ICW sunsets from second-story outdoor bar. Owners T.J. and Al offer local seafood, Mayport shrimp, fish tacos, po’boys, original broiled cheese oysters. $$ FB K L D Daily SLIDERS SEASIDE GRILL, 1998 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-6652. F BOJ winner. Oceanfront place serves award-winning handmade crab cakes, fresh seafood, fried pickles. Outdoor dining, open-air 2nd fl oor, balcony. $$ FB K L D Daily TIMOTI’S FRY SHAK, 21 N. Third St., 310-6550. F Casual seafood place has blackboard specials and fresh, local wildcaught shrimp, fish and oysters, supporting local fishermen, farmers and brewers. $ BW K L D Daily T-RAY’S BURGER STATION, 202 S. 8th St., 261-6310. F This spot in an old gas station offers blue plate specials, burgers, biscuits & gravy, shrimp. $ BW TO B L Mon.-Sat.

ARLINGTON, REGENCY

DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 9119 Merrill Rd., Ste. 19 & 20, 745-9301. BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 8818 Atlantic Blvd., 720-0106. See Mandarin. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 1301 Monument Rd., Ste. 5, 724-5802. F See Orange Park. $ K TO B L D Daily

AVONDALE, ORTEGA

THE CASBAH CAFÉ, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966. F BOJ winner. Middle Eastern/Mediterranean fare. Patio, hookah lounge. Wi-Fi, bellydancers. $$ BW L D Daily CLAUDE’S CHOCOLATES, 3543 St. Johns Ave., 829-5790. F In Green Man Gourmet. Wines, spices, fresh fruit ice pops and Belgian chocolates. See Ponte Vedra. $$ TO ESPETO BRAZILIAN STEAK HOUSE, 4000 St. Johns Ave., Ste. 40, 388-4884. F Churrascaria gauchos carve the meat onto your plate from serving tables. $$$ FB D Tue.-Sun. THE FOX RESTAURANT, 3580 St. Johns Ave., 387-2669. F Owners Ian & Mary Chase offer fresh diner fare: burgers, meatloaf, fried green tomatoes, desserts. Breakfast all day. Local landmark for 50+ years. $$ BW K L D Daily HARPOON LOUIE’S, 4070 Herschel St., Ste. 8, 389-5631. F Locally owned and operated for 20-plus years, the American pub serves 1/2-pound burgers, fish sandwiches, pasta. Local beers. $$ FB K TO L D Daily

Elizabeth Domingo presents grilled snapper wit h mushroom spinach risotto cake finished with sun-dried tomato sherry cream and Jeremy Davis offers coconut-encrusted flounder with pineapple basil coulis, at Sliders Seafood Grille & Oyster Bar at the Town Center in Neptune Beach. Photo: Dennis Ho LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 4530 St. Johns Ave., 388-8828. F See Mandarin. $$ FB K TO L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 3611 St. Johns Ave., 388-0200. F Bite Club. BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ BW K TO L D MOJO NO. 4 URBAN BBQ & WHISKEY BAR, 3572 St. Johns Ave., 381-6670. F BOJ. See Beaches. $$ FB L D Daily PINEGROVE MARKET & DELI, 1511 Pinegrove Ave., 389-8655. F BOJ winner. 40+ years. Cuban sandwiches, burgers, subs, wraps, homemade chicken salad, in a family spot. Onsite butcher cuts USDA choice prime aged beef. Craft beers. $ BW TO B L D Mon.-Sat. SIMPLY SARA’S, 2902 Corinthian Ave., 387-1000. F Down-home fare, from scratch: eggplant fries, pimento cheese, baked chicken, fruit cobblers, chicken & dumplings, desserts. BYOB. $$ K TO L D Mon.-Sat., B Sat.

BAYMEADOWS

AL’S PIZZA, 8060 Philips Hwy., Ste. 105, 731-4300. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ FB K TO L D Daily BROADWAY RISTORANTE & PIZZERIA, Ste. 3, 10920 Baymeadows Rd. E., 519-8000. F Family-owned-andoperated Italian pizzeria serves calzones, strombolis, wings, brick-oven-baked pizza, subs, desserts. Delivery. $$ BW K TO L D Daily INDIA’S RESTAURANT, 9802 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 8, 620-0777. F Authentic Indian cuisine, lunch buffet. Curries, vegetable dishes, lamb, chicken, shrimp, fish tandoori. $$ BW L Mon.-Sat.; D Nightly LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 8206 Philips Hwy., 732-9433. F See Mandarin. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 3928 Baymeadows, 737-7740. 8616 Baymeadows, 739-2498. F See Orange Park. $ TO L D Daily PIZZA PALACE RESTAURANT & PIZZERIA, 3928 Baymeadows Rd., 527-8649. F Relaxed, family-owned place serves homestyle cuisine. Local faves include spinach pizza, chicken spinach calzones, ravioli, lasagna, parmigiana. Outside dining; HD TVs. $$ BW K TO L D Daily SNEAKERS SPORTS GRILLE, 8133 Point Meadows Dr., 519-0509. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ FB K L D Daily ZESTY INDIA, 8358 Point Meadows Dr., 329-3676. Asian methodology melds with European template to create dishes like tandoori lamb chops, rosemary tikka. Vegetarian items cooked separately in vegetable oil. $ BW TO L D Tue.-Sun.

BEACHES

(Locations are in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted.)

AL’S PIZZA, 303 Atlantic Blvd., Beaches Town Ctr., Atlantic Beach, 249-0002. F BOJ winner. Celebrating more than 20 years, Al’s is a repeat Best Pizza winner in our annual readers’ poll. New York-style and gourmet pizzas. All-day happy hour Mon.-Thur. $ FB K TO L D Daily BREEZY COFFEE SHOP CAFE, 235 Eighth Ave. S., 241-2211. F Casual, family-owned shop serves fresh-baked goods, espressos, locally roasted coffees, vegan and gluten-free options. Sandwiches, local beer. $ BW K TO B R L Daily BUDDHA THAI BISTRO, 301 10th Ave. N., 712-4444. The proprietors are from Thailand; every dish is made with fresh ingredients, beautifully presented. $$ FB TO L D Daily CANTINA MAYA SPORTS BAR & GRILLE, 1021 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 247-3227. F Great margaritas, great Latin food, burgers, sports on TVs. $$ FB K L D Tue.-Sun. CASA MARIA, 2429 S. Third St., 372-9000. F Familyowned-and-operated place offers authentic Mexican fare: fajitas and seafood dishes, hot sauces made in-house. The specialty is tacos de asada. $ FB K L D Daily CRUISERS GRILL, 319 23rd Ave. S., 270-0356. F BOJ winner. Locally owned and operated for 15+ years, this casual place serves half-pound burgers, fish sandwiches, award-winning cheddar fries and sangria. $ BW K L D Daily DELICOMB, 102 Sixth Ave. N., 372-4192. Beachfront spot’s sandwiches, paninis, wraps, kimchi, breakfast fare, espresso, seriously dank coffees are all made with natur al

and organic ingredients.$$ B, L & D Tue.-Sun. ENGINE 15 BREWING CO., 1500 Beach Blvd., Ste. 217, 249-2337. F BOJ winner. Gastropub fare: soups, flatbreads, sandwiches, including BarBe-Cuban and beer dip. Craft beers and brew groups. $ FB K L Tue.-Sun.; D Nightly FLYING IGUANA TAQUERIA & TEQUILA BAR, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 853-5680. F Latin American fusion, Southwestern-influenced fare: tacos, seafood, carnitas, Cubana sandwiches. 100+ tequilas. Outdoor seating. $ FB L D Daily LANDSHARK CAFE, 1728 Third St. N., 246-6024. F Locally owned & operated. Fresh, off-the-boat local seafood, fish tacos, houseground burgers, wings, handcut fries, tater tots; daily specials. $$ FB K L D Daily; R Sun. LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1222 Third St. S., 372-4495. F See Mandarin. $$ FB TO L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 657 N. Third St., 247-9620. F See Orange Park. $ K TO B L D Daily LILLIE’S COFFEE BAR, 200 First St., Beaches Town Ctr., Neptune Beach, 249-2922. F Locally roasted coffee, eggs, bagels, flatbreads, sandwiches, desserts. Dine indoors or out, patio and courtyard. $$ BW TO B L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 1018 Third St. N., Ste. 2, 241-5600. F Bite Club. BOJ winner. Hoagies, gourmet pizzas: Mighty Meaty, vegetarian, Kosmic Karma. 35 tap beers. Nonstop happy hour. $ BW K TO L D Daily METRO DINER, 1534 Third St. N., 853-6817. F BOJ winner. See San Marco. $$ R B L Daily MEZZA RESTAURANT & BAR, 110 First St., Beaches Town Ctr., Neptune Beach, 249-5573. F Near-the-ocean eatery, 20+ years. Casual bistro fare: gourmet wood-fired pizzas, nightly specials. Dine inside or on the patio. Valet parking. $$$ FB K D Mon.-Sat. MOJO KITCHEN BBQ PIT & BLUES BAR, 1500 Beach Blvd., 247-6636. F BOJ winner. Funky Southern blues kitchen. Pulled pork, Carolina-style barbecue, Delta fried catfish, all the sides. $$ FB K TO L D Daily M SHACK, 299 Atlantic Blvd., Beaches Town Ctr., Atlantic Beach, 241-2599. F BOJ winner. David and Matthew Medure fl ippin’ burgers, hot dogs, fries, shakes, familiar fare, moderate prices. Dine inside or outside. $$ BW L D Daily POE’S TAVERN, 363 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7637. F American gastropub named for the poet. 50+ beers, gourmet burgers, handcut fries, fish tacos, Edgar’s Drunken Chili, daily fish sandwich special. $$ FB K L D Daily RAGTIME TAVERN & SEAFOOD GRILL, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Beaches Town Ctr., Atlantic Beach, 241-7877. F For 30 years, popular seafood place has scored many awards in our BOJ readers poll. Blackened snapper, sesame tuna, Ragtime shrimp. Daily happy hour. $$ FB L D Daily SLIDERS SEAFOOD GRILLE & OYSTER BAR, 218 First St., Beaches Town Ctr., Neptune Beach, 246-0881. Beachcasual atmosphere. Faves: fish tacos, gumbo. Key lime pie, ice cream sandwiches. $$ FB K L Sat. & Sun.; D Nightly SNEAKERS SPORTS GRILLE, 111 Beach Blvd., 482-1000. F BOJ winner. Full-service bar (with more than 20 beers on tap), TV screens covering entire walls and cheerleader s serving the food. Happy hour Mon.-Fri. $ FB K L D Daily

DOWNTOWN

AKEL’S DELICATESSEN, 21 W. Church St., 665-7324. F New York-style deli offers freshly made fare: subs (3 Wise Guys, Champ), burgers, gyros, breakfast bowls, ranchero wrap, vegetarian dishes. $ K TO B L Mon.-Fri. AMERICAN GRILL, Jacksonville Landing, 353-7522. Fullservice restaurant serves traditional fare: pot pies, steaks, burgers, pizza, pot roast, vegetarian dishes. $$ BW L D Daily BENNY’S STEAK & SEAFOOD, Jax Landing, Ste. 175, 301-1014. Steak-and-seafood house serves Continental cuisine with such signature dishes as the Filet Chris tian. $$$ FB K L D Daily CAFÉ NOLA at MOCAJax, 333 N. Laura St., 366-6911. F Shrimp & grits, gourmet sandwiches, fresh fish tacos,

JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 25

BITE-SIZED

Serving the

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3566 ST. JOHNS AVE. 904-619-5386

THE LUBI Photos by Caron Streibich

UNIQUELY JAX

Meet the city’s other culinary innovation — not the camel rider — which includes putting aluminum foil in the microwave

(Next to Target)

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26 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

he New York Times may have declared the camel rider as Jacksonville’s primary contribution to the dining world; however, another curious culinary invention was created here, too, equally deserving of your attention. Let me regale you with a story of my recent visit to the forgotten enclave of Lubi’s. The Southside location (11633 Beach Blvd.) is a well-preserved time capsule maintained so that one can study the sort of mad gastronomic science once practiced in Jacksonville’s commercial kitchens. The menu boasts six versions of a hot sub aptly called The Lubi. The base is made up of browned ground sirloin, American cheese, onions and your choice of mayo, mustard, and hot or sweet peppers. The bread is a mix between a giant hot dog bun and hoagie THE CAMEL RIDER roll. Variants include the Mozzarella Lubi (with sour cream, mozzarella cheese and marinara), Mean Machine (with lettuce, tomato, mozzarella cheese and Italian dressing) and Stroganoff Lubi (with sour cream, mushrooms, gravy and mozzarella cheese). I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of tequila-filled night inspired someone to bake an oversized hot dog bun, stuff it full of condiments, onions and ground beef, and top it with a Hamburger Helper-inspired stroganoff. My invitation to that party must have gotten lost in the mail, sadly. I decided to dip my toe in the water by ordering the comparatively tame Our Famous Lubi (topped with Kraft American cheese) with mayo, mustard and hot peppers. My Lubi artist began to construct this meaty delight on a sheet of aluminum foil, and suddenly things became quite interesting when she

whisked my meal toward a microwave in order to “steam the bun.” Is she really going to put that aluminum foil-wrapped meat dog in the microwave? Oh my God, she’s going to burn this place to the ground! Is this how it ends? Everything I thought I knew about modern science flew out the window as 30 mesmerizing seconds ticked by without that microwave (and the surrounding kitchen) bursting into flames. The only logical conclusion I could come to was that the doors of Lubi’s open some kind of space/time vortex where the laws of physics are manipulated by sorcerers called Lubiloyees. (Or that the aluminum foil-looking wrap actually contains no real metals.) The experience of eating The Lubi goes just how you’d imagine it would, except that you’ll need a fork (the walls of this hot-dog-hoagie-bun get soaked quite expeditiously by a combination of hot pepper juice and beef fat). In historical context, Jacksonville has always been known as a drinking town. It makes perfect sense that a tasty item like The Lubi was invented to soak up so many of the night’s mistakes. If you enjoy scratching your historical curiosity, or perhaps were over-served the night before, a trip to Lubi’s is just the thing for a cure. Actually, it’s good any time. Caron Streibich biteclub@folioweekly.com facebook.com/folioweeklybitesized

LUBI’S HOT SUBS

Multiple locations, lubis.com

DINING DIRECTORY GRILL ME!

A WEEKLY Q&A WITH PEOPLE IN THE FOOD BIZ

NAME: Jeff Brudos, Proprietor RESTAURANT: The Dim Sum Room, 9041 Southside Blvd., Ste. 138D, Southside (at Watami) BIRTHPLACE: Ferryville, Wisconsin YEARS IN THE BIZ: 30 FAVORITE RESTAURANT (other than mine): Maharlika Hall & Sports Grill, Intracoastal West FAVORITE CUISINE STYLE: All styles GO-TO INGREDIENTS: Thai basil and garlic IDEAL MEAL: Ginger lobster WILL NOT CROSS MY LIPS: Bad seafood INSIDER’S SECRET: Maintain clean restrooms. CELEBRITY SIGHTING @ Dim Sum: Pacquiao CULINARY TREAT: Lobster homemade desserts. $$ FB L Mon.-Fri.; D Thur. & ArtWalk CASA DORA, 108 E. Forsyth St., 356-8282. F Chef Sam Hamidi has been serving genuine Italian fare for 36+ years: veal, seafood, gourmet pizza. The homemade salad dressing is a specialty. $$ BW K L Mon.-Fri.; D Mon.-Sat. CASA MARIA, 12961 N. Main St., Ste. 104, 757-6411. F See Beaches. $ FB K L D Daily CHICAGO PIZZA & SPORTS GRILL, Jax Landing, 354-7747. F Chicago-style deep-dish pizzas, hot dogs, Italian beef dishes from Chicago’s Comastro family. $$ FB K TO L D Daily CHOMP CHOMP, 106 E. Adams St., 762-4667. F Eats at moderate prices – most less than $10. Chef-inspired street food: panko-crusted chicken, burgers, chinois tacos, bahn mi and barbecue. $ L Tue.-Sat.; D Fri. & Sat. CINCO DE MAYO, Jax Landing, 329-2892. Authentic fajitas, tacos, burritos, enchiladas. Dine in or outside. $$ FB L D Daily FIONN MacCOOL’S IRISH PUB & RESTAURANT, Jax Landing, Ste. 176, 374-1547. BOJ winner. This pub offers casual dining with an uptown Irish atmosphere, serving fish and chips, Guinness lamb stew and black-and-tan brownies. $$ FB K L D Daily HOOTERS, Jax Landing, Ste. 103, 356-5400. The chain, popular for its waitresses, features wings, steamed shrimp, oysters, burgers, seafood, sandwiches. $$ FB TO L D Daily KOJA SUSHI, Ste. 222, Jax Landing, 350-9911. F BOJ winner. Owners John and Tony, in the sushi game for 10+ years, offer sushi, sashimi, and Japanese, Asian, Korean cuisine. Hard-to-find items like baby octopus salad. Dine in or out. $$ FB L Mon.-Fri.; D Nightly VILLAGE BREAD CAFE, Ste. 175, Jax Landing, 683-7244. Locally owned; bagels, omelets, sandwiches on homestyle bread, salads, pizzas, pastries. $ TO B L Mon.-Sat. VITO’S ITALIAN CAFE, Jax Landing, Ste. 174, 355-3002. Traditional Italian, Mediterranean fare: pasta, steak, seafood, tiramisu, cannoli. Daily happy hour. $ FB L D Daily ZODIAC GRILL, 120 W. Adams St., 354-8283. American favorites and Mediterranean fare in a casual atmosphere; panini, vegetarian dishes. Daily lunch buffet. Espressos, hookahs. Happy hour Mon.-Fri. $ FB L Mon.-Fri.

FLEMING ISLAND

GRASSROOTS NATURAL MARKET, 1915 East-West Pkwy., 541-0009. F BOJ winner. See Riverside. $ BW TO Daily LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1571 C.R. 220, Ste. 100, 215-2223. F See Mandarin. $$ FB TO L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 1800 Town Center Blvd., 541-1999. F Bite Club certified. BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ BW K TO L D Daily MOJO SMOKEHOUSE, 1810 Town Center Blvd., Ste. 8, 264-0636. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $$ FB TO L D Daily TAPS BAR & GRILL, 1605 C.R. 220, 278-9421. F 50+ premium tap domestic, imported beers. Starters, burgers, sandwiches, entrées, made to order with fresh ingredients. Lots of TVs for watching sports. $$ FB K L D Daily WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198. F Real fish camp serves gator tail, freshwater river catfish, daily specials, traditional meals, on Swimming Pen Creek. Outdoor Tiki bar. Come by boat, motorcycle or car. $ FB K TO L Tue.Sun.; D Nightly

INTRACOASTAL WEST

4 BONES BARBECUE, 14286 Beach Blvd., Ste. 20, 419-9855. Classic Southern barbecue: Pulled pork, brisket, chicken, turkey, ribs, chorizo served market-style by the pound. Mac ’n’ cheese, baked beans, cole slaw, green beans. Specialty sandwiches, banana pudding. $ K TO L D Tue.-Sat. AL’S PIZZA, 14286 Beach Blvd., Ste. 31, 223-0991. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ FB K TO L D Daily DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 14286 Beach Blvd., 223-0115. F BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 14333 Beach Blvd., Ste. 39, 992-1666. F Tamales, fajitas, pork tacos. Some La Nops have a full bar. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 10750 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 14, 642-6980. F See Orange Park. $ K TO B L D Daily THE TENT HOOKAH LOUNGE, 12041 Beach Blvd., Ste. 4, 551-2962. Authentic fare, hookahs and flavored tobacco, specials and live belly dancing and floor seating, in keeping with that authenticity thing. Open late. $ BW L D Daily TIME OUT SPORTS GRILL, 13799 Beach Blvd., Ste. 5,

223-6999. F Locally-owned-and-operated grill serves hand-tossed pizzas, wings, wraps in a clean, sporty atmosphere. Daily drink specials, HD TVs, pool tables, darts, trivia. Late-night menu. $$ FB L Tue.-Sun.; D Nightly

JULINGTON CREEK

DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 525 S.R. 16, Ste. 101, St. Johns, 825-4540. BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily METRO DINER, 12807 San Jose Blvd., 638-6185. F BOJ winner. See San Marco. $$ R B L Daily TAPS BAR & GRILL, 2220 C.R. 210 W., Ste. 314, St. Johns, 819-1554. F See Fleming Island. $$ FB K L D Daily

MANDARIN

AL’S PIZZA, 11190 San Jose Blvd., 260-4115. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ FB K TO L D Daily ATHENS CAFÉ, 6271 St. Augustine Rd., Ste. 7, 733-1199. F From the dolmades (stuffed grape leaves) to the baby shoes (stuffed eggplant), Athens has all the favorites. Greek beers. $$ BW L Mon.-Fri.; D Mon.-Sat. DICK’S WINGS, 10391 Old St. Augustine, Ste. 1, 880-7087. F BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily HARMONIOUS MONKS, 10550 Old St. Augustine Rd., Ste. 30, 880-3040. F American-style steakhouse features Angus steaks, gourmet burgers, ribs, wraps. $$ FB K L D Mon.-Sat. KAZU JAPANESE RESTAURANT, 9965 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 35, 683-9903. The new place has a wide variety of soups, dumplings, appetizers, salads, bento boxes, sushi, entrées, maki handrolls, sashimi. $$ FB TO L D Daily LA NOPALERA, 11700 San Jose Blvd., 288-0175. F Tamales, fajitas and pork tacos are customer favorites. Some locations offer a full bar. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 11365 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 3, 674-2945. F See Orange Park. $ K TO B L D Daily THE RED ELEPHANT PIZZA & GRILL, 10131 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 12, 683-3773. F This casual, family-friendly eatery serves pizzas, sandwiches, grill specials, burgers and pasta dishes. Gluten-free friendly. $ FB K L D Daily RENNA’S PIZZA, 11111 San Jose, Ste. 12, 292-2300. F Casual New York-style pizzeria serves calzones, antipasto, parmigiana, homemade breads. $$ BW K TO L D Daily

ORANGE PARK, MIDDLEBURG

ARON’S PIZZA, 650 Park Ave., 269-1007. F Family-owned restaurant has eggplant dishes, manicotti, New York-style pizzas. $$ BW K TO L D Daily DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 1540 Wells Rd., 269-2122. BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells Road, 272-5959. Southern-style dining. Specialties: New Orleans shrimp, certified Black Angus prime rib, she-crab soup, desserts. $$$ FB D Tue.-Sat. KRISTIN’S ON THE RIVER, 2511 Blanding Blvd., 389-9455. This newly re-opened spot serves seafood and American favorites. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 9734 Crosshill Blvd., 908-4250. 2024 Kingsley Ave., 276-2776. F See Mandarin. $$ FB TO L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 1330 Blanding Blvd., 276-7370. 1545 C.R. 220, 278-2827. 700 Blanding Blvd., Ste. 15, 272-3553. 1401 S. Orange Ave., Green Cove Springs, 284-7789. F All over the area, they pile ’em high and serve ’em fast. Hot/cold subs, soups, salads. $ K TO B L D Daily THE ROADHOUSE, 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611. F Wings, sandwiches, burgers, quesadillas; 35+ years. Pool tables, darts, foosball, TVs. 75+ imported beers. $ FB L D Daily

PONTE VEDRA, NW ST. JOHNS

AL’S PIZZA, 635 A1A N., 543-1494. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ FB K TO L D Daily CLAUDE’S CHOCOLATES, 145 Hilden Rd., Ste. 122, 829-5790. Hand-crafted in onsite factory; premium Belgian chocolate, fruits, nuts and spices. Cookies and popsicles. Your order shipped. $$ TO LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 830 A1A N., Ste. 6, 273-3993. F See Orange Park. $ K TO B L D Daily RESTAURANT MEDURE, 818 A1A N., 543-3797. Chef David Medure offers global flavors. Small plates, creative drinks, happy hour twice daily. $$$ FB D Mon.-Sat.

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ASTROLOGY

DINING DIRECTORY RIVERSIDE, 5 POINTS, WESTSIDE

AL’S PIZZA, 1620 Margaret St., Ste. 201, 388-8384. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ FB K TO L D Daily BLACK SHEEP RESTAURANT, 1534 Oak St., 355-3793. BOJ winner. New American favorites with a Southern twist, made with locally sourced ingredients. Awesome rooftop bar. $$$ FB R Sat. & Sun.; L D Daily BOLD BEAN COFFEE ROASTERS, 869 Stockton St., Stes. 1-2, 855-1181. F BOJ winner. Small-batch, artisanal coffee roasting. Organic, fair trade. $ BW TO B L Daily CORNER TACO, 818 Post St., 240-0412. Made-from-scratch “semi-swanky street food,” tacos, nachos, gluten-free and vegetarian options. $ BW L D Tue.-Sun. DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 5972 San Juan Ave., 693-9258. BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily GRASSROOTS NATURAL MARKET, 2007 Park St., 384-4474. F BOJ. Juice bar has certified organic fruit, vegetables. Artisanal cheese, 300+ craft/import beer, organic wines, produce, meats, wraps, raw, vegan. $ BW TO B L D Daily HAWKERS, 1001 Park St., 508-0342. The spot is based on Asian street vendors. A collection of hawker recipes is served under one roof. $ BW TO L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 1509 Margaret St., 674-2794. 7895 Normandy Blvd., 781-7600. 5733 Roosevelt Blvd., Westside, 446-9500. 8102 Blanding Blvd., Westside, 779-1933. F See Orange Park. $ K TO B L D Daily METRO DINER, 4495 Roosevelt Blvd., Ortega, 999-4600. F BOJ winner. See San Marco. $$ R B L Daily MOON RIVER PIZZA, 1176 Edgewood Ave. S., 389-4442. F BOJ winner. See Amelia Island. $ BW TO L D Mon.-Sat. THE MOSSFIRE GRILL, 1537 Margaret St., 355-4434. F Southwestern dishes like fresh fish tacos and chicken enchiladas are popular. Happy hour runs Mon.-Sat. in the upstairs lounge, and all day Sun. $$ FB K L D Daily O’BROTHERS IRISH PUB, 1521 Margaret St., 854-9300. F Traditional Irish fare like shepherd’s pie with Stilton crust, Guinness mac-n-cheese and fish-n-chips. Outdoor patio dining is available. $$ FB K TO L D Daily SUN-RAY CINEMA, 1028 Park St., 359-0049. F Beer (Bold City, Intuition Ale Works), wine, pizza, hot dogs, hummus, sandwiches, popcorn, nachos, brownies. $$ BW Daily

ST. AUGUSTINE

AL’S PIZZA, 1 St. George St., 824-4383. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ FB K TO L D Daily AVILES RESTAURANT & LOUNGE, 32 Avenida Menendez, 829-2277. F Hilton Bayfront. Progressive European-flavored menu; made-to-order pasta night, wine dinners, chophouse nights, breakfast buffet. Sun. champagne brunch bottomless mimosas. $$$ FB K B L D Daily CANDLELIGHT SOUTH, 1 Anastasia Blvd., 819-0588. F Brand-new on the island, the casual restaurant originally in Scarsdale, N.Y., offers fish tacos, sandwiches, wings, desserts and sangria. Daily specials. $ BW K TO L D Daily CARMELO’S MARKETPLACE & PIZZERIA, 146 King St., 494-6658. F New York-style brick-oven-baked pizza, fresh sub rolls, Boar’s Head meats, cheeses, garlic herb wings. Outdoor seating, Wi-Fi. $$ BW TO L D Daily CLAUDE’S CHOCOLATES, 6 Granada St., 829-5790. In The Market. Wine and chocolate pairings, soft-serve ice cream, a coffee bar, fresh fruit ice pops, cookies. $$ TO CRUISERS GRILL, 3 St. George St., 824-6993. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ BW K L D Daily DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 4010 U.S. 1 S., 547-2669. BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily THE FLORIDIAN, 39 Cordova St., 829-0655. Updated Southern fare: fresh, local ingredients from area farms. Vegetarian, gluten-free, too. Fried green tomato bruschetta, grits with shrimp, fish or tofu. $$$ BW K TO L D Wed.-Mon. GYPSY CAB COMPANY, 828 Anastasia Blvd., Anastasia Island, 824-8244. F A mainstay for a quarter-century, Gypsy’s menu changes twice daily. Signature dish is Gypsy chicken. Seafood, tofu, duck, veal. $$ FB R Sun.; L D Daily HARRY’S SEAFOOD BAR & GRILLE, 46 Avenida Menendez, 824-7765. F Cajun, Creole, Southern flavors: fresh seafood, steaks, pork, jambalaya, shrimp. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 155 Hampton Point Dr., 230-7879. F See Mandarin. $$ FB K TO L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 410 Anastasia Blvd., 826-4040. F Bite Club. BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ BW K TO L D Daily MOJO OLD CITY BBQ, 5 Cordova St., 342-5264. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $$ FB K TO L D Daily PACIFIC ASIAN BISTRO, 159 Palencia Village Dr., Ste. 111, 808-1818. F BOJ winner. Chef Mas Lui creates 30+ unique sushi rolls; fresh sea scallops, Hawaiian-style poke tuna salad. $$-$$$ BW L D Daily TEMPO, 16 Cathedral Place, 547-0240. Fusion spot offers healthy American fare with a Latin flair. $$ BW L D Tue.-Sun.

ST. JOHNS TOWN CENTER

MOXIE KITCHEN + COCKTAILS, 4972 Big Island Dr., 998-9744. Chef Tom Gray’s place features innovative contemporary American cuisine – seafood, steaks, pork, burgers, salads, sides and desserts – using locally sourced ingredients when possible. $$$ FB K L Mon.-Fri.; D Nightly MSHACK, 10281 Midtown Pkwy., 642-5000. F BOJ

28 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

winner. See Beaches. $$ BW L D Daily OVINTE, 10208 Buckhead Branch, 900-7730. BOJ winner. Tapas, small plates. Spanish and Italian flavors: ceviche fresco, pappardelle bolognese. 240-bottle wine list, 75 by the glass, craft spirits. Outdoor dining. $$ FB R, Sun.; D Nightly

SAN JOSE, LAKEWOOD

CRUISERS GRILL, 5613 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 1, 737-2874. BOJ winner. See Beaches. $ BW K L D Daily DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 1610 University Blvd. W., 448-2110. BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily FUSION SUSHI, 1550 University Blvd. W., 636-8688. F Upscale sushi spot serves fresh sushi, sashimi, hibachi, teriyaki, kiatsu. $$ K L D Daily MOJO BAR-B-QUE, 1607 University Blvd. W., 732-7200. F BOJ winner. See Beaches. $$ FB K TO B L D Daily

SAN MARCO, SOUTHBANK, ST. NICHOLAS

BASIL THAI & SUSHI, 1004 Hendricks Ave., 674-0190. F Pad Thai, curries, sushi. Dine indoors or on the patio. $$ FB L D Mon.-Sat. THE GROTTO WINE & TAPAS BAR, 2012 San Marco Blvd., 398-0726. F Varied tapas menu of artisanal cheese plates, empanadas, bruschettas, homestyle cheesecake. 60+ wines by the glass. $$$ BW Tue.-Sun. LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1631 Hendricks Ave., 399-1768. F See Mandarin. $$ FB K TO L D Daily MATTHEW’S, 2107 Hendricks Ave., 396-9922. Chef Matthew Medure’s flagship restaurant. Fine dining, European-style atmosphere. Artfully presented cuisine, small plates, extensive martini/wine lists. Reservations. $$$$ FB D Mon.-Sat. METRO DINER, 3302 Hendricks Ave., 398-3701. F BOJ winner. Original upscale diner in a historic 1930s-era building. Meatloaf, chicken pot pie, homemade soups. $$ B R L Daily PIZZA PALACE 1959 San Marco Blvd., 399-8815. F See Baymeadows. $$ BW TO L D Daily

SOUTHSIDE

360° GRILLE, LATITUDE 30, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555. F Seafood, steaks, burgers, chicken, sandwiches, pizza. Dine inside, on patio. Games, movie theater. $$ FB TO L D Daily ALHAMBRA THEATRE & DINING, 12000 Beach Blvd., 641-1212. Longest-running dinner theater. Executive Chef DeJuan Roy’s menus coordinated with stage productions. Reservations suggested. $$ FB D Tue.-Sun. CASA MARIA, 14965 Old St. Augustine Rd., 619-8186. F See Beaches. $ FB K L D Daily DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 10750 Atlantic Blvd., 619-0954. BOJ winner. See Northside. $ FB K TO L D Daily THE DIM SUM ROOM, 9041 Southside Blvd., Ste. 138D, 363-9888. Dim sum favorites: shrimp dumplings, beef tripe, sesame ball; plus traditional Hong Kong noodles and barbecue. $ FB K L D Daily. LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 3611 St. Johns Bluff S., 641-6499. 4479 Deerwood Lake Pkwy., 425-4060. F See Orange Park. BOJ winner. $ K TO B L D Daily MANGIA! ITALIAN BISTRO & BAR, 3210 St. Johns Bluff Rd. S., 551-3061. F Chef/owner Tonino DiBella offers fine dining – fresh seafood, veal, steaks, New York-style pizza, desserts. Happy hour Mon.-Sat. Patio. $$$ FB K TO L D Mon.-Sat. MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 9734 Deer Lake Ct., Ste. 1, 997-1955. F See Beaches. Bite Club. BOJ winner. $ BW K TO L D Daily SEVEN BRIDGES GRILLE & BREWERY, 9735 Gate Pkwy. N., 997-1999. F Local seafood, steaks, pizzas. Brewer Aaron Nesbit handcrafts award-winning freshly brewed ales and lagers. Inside, outdoors. $$ FB K TO L D Daily TAVERNA YAMAS, 9753 Deer Lake Court, 854-0426. F Bite Club. BOJ winner. Char-broiled kabobs, seafood, wines, desserts. Belly dancing. $$ FB K L D Daily WATAMI BUFFET, 9041 Southside Blvd., Ste. 138D, 363-9888. All-you can-eat sushi, plus choice of two items from teppanyaki grill. $ FB K L D Daily. WORLD OF BEER, 9700 Deer Lake Court, Ste. 1, 551-5929. F Apps and bar food: German pretzels, hummus, pickle chips, flatbreads. Craft drafts from Germany, Cali, Florida (Bold City brews), Ireland, Belgium. $$ BW L D Daily

SPRINGFIELD, NORTHSIDE

DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 12400 Yellow Bluff Rd., Ste. 101, 619-9828. F BOJ winner. NASCAR-themed spot has 365 kinds of wings, half-pound burgers, ribs. $ FB K TO L D Daily HOLA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1001 N. Main St., 356-3100. F Fresh Mexican fare: fajitas, burritos, enchiladas, daily specials. Happy hour daily; sangria. $ BW K TO L D Mon.-Sat. LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 12001 Lem Turner, 764-9999. See Orange Park. $ K TO B L D Daily SAVANNAH BISTRO, 14670 Duval Rd., 741-4404. F Low Country Southern fare, taste of Mediterranean and French. Crowne Plaza Airport. Crab cakes, New York strip, she crab soup, mahi mahi. Rainforest Lounge. $$$ FB K B L D Daily

HEROIN, FRUIT, UNREAD BOOKS, MARK TWAIN & LIGHTNING ARIES (March 21-April 19): According to astrologer Astrolocherry (astrolocherry.tumblr. com), Aries is the sign of the freedom fighter, explorer, daredevil and adventurer. I agree. An important caveat: As you get older, it’s your duty to harness all that hot energy on behalf of your life’s softer, slower, more tender parts. The weeks ahead offer a great chance to work on that. To get started, imagine how you can be a freedom fighter, explorer, daredevil and adventurer in service to home, family and community. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): After a thorough, detailed, painstaking analysis of astrological omens, I advise you to not be thorough, detailed or painstaking in the days ahead. Instead, be spontaneous and improvisatory. Wing it, baby! Throw away the script. Trust your gut. Play it by ear. Make it up as you go along. If you frown with indecision, beset by lazy procrastination, you’re off course. If you feel blithe and agile, getting it done with creative effi ciency, you’re in the groove. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The Japanese word tsundoku describes what happens if you buy a lot of books but never read them, leaving them piled up in a neglected heap. Avoid indulging in tsundoku any time soon. Don’t acquire resources, then ignore them. You’re in an astrological cycle phase when it’s crucial to make conscientious use of tools and riches. To let them go to waste is to dishonor them, making it less likely you’ll continue to receive their blessings. Take full advantage of what’s yours. CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you could harness the energy of a typical lightning bolt, you’d be able to use it to toast 100,000 slices of bread. That’s an impossible scenario, but it’s an apt metaphor for the challenge ahead. You’ll soon get access to a massive influx of vital force arriving in a relatively short time. Find a way to gather it and store it. Will most of it, after the initial burst, leak away, unavailable for long-term use? The secret to success lies in whether you can create the perfect “container.” LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Forget the suffering / You caused others. / Forget the suffering / Others caused you.” Czeslaw Milosz wrote these words in his poem “Forget,” and now I pass them on to you. According to my astrological omenreading, now’s a great time to purge old hurts you still carry, both those you dealt and those dealt to you. Opportunities like these don’t come along often; repay emotional debts, declare amnesty and engage in a frenzy of forgiveness. What other things can you do to wipe the slate clean? VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): When a Navajo baby laughs for the first time, the whole community celebrates. It’s regarded as the moment when the child completes his or her transition from the spirit realm into the physical world. The person who caused the baby’s laughter is charged with planning the First Laugh Ceremony, a party to commemorate the magical event. I foresee a comparable development in your life. You won’t be laughing for the first time, but your sense of humor reaches new ripeness. You may be able to find humor in stuff you’ve taken too seriously. Maybe you suddenly have a deeper appreciation for life’s ongoing cosmic jokes. Or you stumble upon reasons to laugh longer, harder and louder than ever.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Would you like to be free from the experience of getting criticized? Wouldn’t it be nice if no one accused you of being wrong or off-track? Here’s how you do this, says American writer Elbert Hubbard: “Do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” I can’t recommend that behavior. In the weeks ahead, you have a sacred duty to your Future Self to risk being controversial. Take strong stands, speak raw truths and show real feelings. Yes, you may attract fl ack. You might disturb the peace, but that’s an acceptable price to pay for the rewards. It’s one time when being brave is more important than seeking harmony. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any,” said American author and humorist Mark Twain, aka Samuel Clemens. How do you respond to that nudge? Are there any geniuses and heroes you consider worthy of your respect? If not, go out and find some. At this phase of your evolution, you’re in special need of folks who inspire with greatness. Learn from teachers and role models further along than you in their mastery of the game of life. It would be healing to feel waves of admiration and reverence. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “Everyone has something to hide,” stated Russian author Anton Chekhov. Is that true? Do you blunt Sags have something to hide? For 90 percent of you, that’s a yes. There are secrets you don’t want anyone to know: past events you’re reluctant to tell, shady deeds you’re getting away with now or taboo thoughts you want sealed. It’s time to bring them fully into your conscious awareness, honor their importance to your life story and admit their power to captivate your imagination. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): German chemist Felix Hoffman had a major role in synthesizing two very different drugs: aspirin and heroin. In analyzing astrological omens for the months ahead, I see you with a similar potential. You could create good stuff with the power to help and heal or you could generate borderline stuff that will cause a lot of problems or you could do both. How it all plays out is up to your free will. For best results, set your intention to go toward things like aspirin and away from things like heroin. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s a good time to risk a small leap of faith, but not a sprawling vault over a yawning abyss. Feel free and easy about exploring outer borders of familiar territory, but be cautious about wandering into the deep, dark unknown. Be willing to entertain stimulating new ideas but not cracked notions with little evidence to back them up. Your task? Shake up the status quo just enough to invigorate everyone’s emotional intelligence, even as you take care not to unleash an upheaval that makes everyone crazy. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): British poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834) had an unusual fetish. He liked to eat apples, pears and other fruit while they were still on a branch. Why? Maybe the taste was as pure, brisk and naked as possible – which would be important to a romantic poet like him. In accordance with astrological omens, use Coleridge’s quest for ultimate freshness as a driving metaphor next week. Go to the source to get what you need. Chuck intermediaries. Be as raw as the law allows. Rob Brezsny freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com

NEWS OF THE WEIRD MAN OF THE PEOPLE?

Scott Fistler, twice a loser for electoral office in Phoenix as a Republican, decided in November 2013 his luck might improve as a Democrat with a name change, legally becoming “Cesar Chavez,” expecting to poll better in a heavily Hispanic, Democratic congressional district. “Cesar Chavez” is the legendary labor organizer. According to an Arizona Capitol Times June report, “Chavez’s” campaign website shows photos of frenzied supporters holding “Chavez” signs — they’re obviously scenes from Venezuelan street rallies for its late president Hugo Chavez. At press time, a judge removed “Chavez” from the ballot; some qualifying signatures were invalid. “Chavez” promised to appeal.

UNTART YOURSELF, COUNSELOR

U.S. District Judge Richard Kopf of Omaha, trying to be helpful, advised women lawyers in his courtroom to lower their hemlines and cover their cleavage because males, including Kopf himself, are “pigs.” In March, he wrote in his personal blog: “I have been a dirty old man ever since I was a very young man” and that women in his office are similarly contemptuous of daringly dressed female lawyers. The lifetimetenured judge later said he regretted any harm to the judiciary his remarks may have caused.

DOIN’ THE TIME WARP

Almond Upton, 60, charged with murder for “intentionally” striking a New York state trooper in May with his pickup truck, denied it all, telling reporters after his first court appearance he’s bewildered by the accusation: “I was [close to] the Connecticut border, and all of a sudden, I’m in Binghamton, New York [about 140 miles from Connecticut], and this cop got killed, I don’t know how it happened. It had to be a time warp.”

BOOTY RECALL

Robert Wallace, 32, a Houston software developer, filed a lawsuit in May to get back some items after a failed romance. According to Wallace, he lent a laptop computer, $2,000 cash and his Harry Potter DVDs to his sweetheart, Ms. Nomi Mims, a local stripper. Wallace said

FESTIVAL OF BEER // Photos by Dennis Ho & Amber Lake

the loans were made because he thought she was in love with him and they were “building a future together,” but realizes he was wrong. Mims calls the items “gifts” and noted, “I’ve given him gifts, too. You know, how do I get my booty back?”

YOU GOT BRASS ONES

The National Security Agency admitted in a June court filing it disobeyed two judicial orders to stop deleting accusatory evidence in its databases, which judges had ordered preserved to help determine if NSA was illegally violating privacy laws. NSA’s reasoning for its chutzpah: Its datagathering systems, it claims, are “too complex” to prevent the automatic deletions programmed into its data, and it can’t reprogram to preserve the data without shutting down its entire intelligence-gathering mission. The challenging party (Electronic Frontier Foundation) called NSA’s explanation disingenuous and, in fact, further proof that NSA is incapable of properly managing such massive data-gathering.

LOOKING THE PART

Michael Adrian, 26, was arrested in Lakeville, Minnesota, in June for scaring officials at Lakeville North High School by skateboarding in front of the school, in military dress, face covered by a bandana, an arrow strapped to his arm, concealing knives, a box-cutter, a slingshot and pepper spray. Adrian told cops he was “testing” the school’s security system by “looking like an a**hole.” A judge ordered a mental evaluation.

KARMA

At an April press conference on a train station platform in Milford, Connecticut, to critique the allegedly shoddy safety record of MetroNorth rail line, U.S. Sen. Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut set up a chart on an easel to illustrate the problem. Suddenly, a train roared through the station and, according to news reports, “nearly” clipped Blumenthal, who was standing on the yellow platform line that passengers are warned to stand behind. Chuck Shepherd weirdnews@earthlink.net

FESTIVAL OF CHEERS!

olio Weekly’s Festival of Beer featured more than 3,000 attendees, live music, food trucks and the bottomless kegs of beer, held at Riverside Arts Market last Sunday. Proceeds from the fundraiser benefit the efforts of the St. Johns Riverkeeper. Keep reading Folio Weekly for info on our next big event.

ATTENTION, HOPEFUL ISU WRITERS: The word limit for ISU notices is now 40 words ONLY. NO ISU submissions with more than 40 words will be accepted. Please keep messages short & sweet. Count before you submit! Thanks! WHITE DOGGIE STYLE You: Shirtless, sweating, man-child drinking a draft beer and trimming bushes on Third Street in Neptune Beach. You paused to adjust your shark-tooth necklace. Me: Nosy neighbor peering through the window. Wanna come take a bite outta me? When: June 16. Where: Neptune Beach. $1375-0625 DENIM 4 DAYS You: Wearing denim seemingly all over. Perhaps Apple Bottoms? Me: Looking for my friends when I bumped into you. Let’s meet again. I really like your genes. When: June 13. Where: Mellow Mushroon Avondale. #1374-0625 FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION You: Cool Ameri-Asian hipster tooling around Riverside in sweet souped-up ride. Me: Athletic brunette often seen jogging; liking what I see. Put your soy in my sauce already? Let’s get fast and furious! When: June 4. Where: Post and King streets. #1373-0618 SECOND SIGHT CONNECTION @ ARTWALK Me: long dress, faerie necklace, blonde and pink. You: Taller than me, dark hair? A shining person. We talked about my necklace. You see what I see. I feel less alone now. Meet me in the park? When: June 4. Where: Art Walk Downtown. #1372-0611 GORGEOUS GROCERY SHOPPER Standout even in Publix. Blue jeans, black top, red hair. Carrying yourself like a princess. Infatuated still, but probably nothing compared to the possibility of meeting you. Looked forward to passing you in the aisles. When: Sat., May 31. Where: Publix Lakewood. #1371-0604 STUNNING CHICK Me: Handsome Latino buying DVDs, gray South Pole shirt, black shorts, speechless when ISU. You: Sexy chick, long black-and-white dress, getting iPhone or something upgrade, at counter. Can we meet, chat? Hope to hear from you soon. When: 2 p.m. May 31. Where: San Jose Radio Shack. #1370-0604 SURFER NURSE WORKS 3 DAYS/WEEK ISU two mornings; pier dawn patrol. Wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your company. Hope I see you before I leave for Michigan. Like to ask you to coffee, breakfast. Perhaps surf safari to Poles? Enjoy the ride! When: May 25. Where: Jax Beach Pier. #1369-0604 TRULIA WHAT A HUNK! You: Shirtless, by your truck in front of your house, on Trulia. com. Me: Heart m watching from across the street. WOW! Wish u would buy me a hamburger and a tea! When: May 15. Where: Arlington. #1368-0604 HE TALKED FIRST Wanted to speak with you when ISU in weird chef pants, pizza night. Your best friend talked first. Two years later, one broken engagement; still wonder. Really embarrassed myself with email, didn’t I? Here I go again. When: 2012. Where: Breakthroughs San Jose. #1367-0604 HATED CIDERS, LIKED YOUR SMILE You: Serving SweetWaters. Me: Green-eyed brunette drinking them. Met three times; I blushed in Fans & Stoves. ISU again same day, said hello. You said you were creeping. We exchanged names; didn’t ask numbers. When: May 17. Where: Eco-Fest. #1366-0528 ROGUE MEN MUSCLE HOTTIE Young Adonis-like dude in corner of Aardwolf with friends. Tight T-shirt, dark eyes, biceps. U guys were rockin’ but I caught you lookin’. Me: Tall guy, Jags cap. Hit me up or meet at next Rogue Men. When: May 16. Where: Aardwolf/ Rogue Men. #1365-0521 STATUESQUE BEAUTY WAITING IN MIND In pharmacy line. You: Tall, gorgeous dress, flats. I asked if you wore heels. Beautiful laugh. Me: Not as tall, scruffy off work; clean up well. You left, said you’d be back. Date

30 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014

slightly shorter? I’m your RX. When: May 14. Where: CVS Blanding Blvd. #1364-0521 HOT-N-READY BABY You: Tall, bald, sexy; in white Mercedes. Enthralled when I saw your 10 pizzas. Love a man who eats. I’ll be waiting in a leopard shirt every Wed. 8 p.m. Forget pizzas; get Hot-N-Ready with me. When: May 14. Where: Little Caesars Pizza, Southside. #1363-0521 BEAUTIFUL BLONDE AT APPLEBEE’S ISU with fellow workers. I was at bar watching TVs above you, with my daughter and son-in-law. Our eyes met; I felt the attraction. I want to meet the lady who made my heart jump! When: May 9. Where: The Loft, Riverside. #1362-0521 I SAW U Connection Made!

SPACED-OUT CUT-UP SMURF SHIRT, RED CONVERSE ISU dancing your dance, apologized for male gender, took glasses off to dance. You: Retirement home server near Sawgrass; discussed labyrinth of suffering. Told me to wait; never returned. Me: Vest, purple shirt. When: May 9. Where: The Loft, Riverside. #1361-0514 TATTOOS & TRUCK You: Hot, tattooed boy, black truck. Me: Red lips, silver Rodeo. Drove side-by-side, JTB to Riverside. I turned on Park, lost you. Should’ve rolled my window down when you said hi at the light. Go for a drive? When: May 6. Where: JTB to I-95N. #1360-0514 I BOUGHT YOU A BUD LIGHT Met at the bar, you had a nice smile. Asked if I was in military, we complained about slow service. Told you I was married. Hope you’re interested in just friends. Let me know. When: May 3. Where: Acapulco’s. #1359-0514 HOT BUTCH GIRL Hey, black Incahoots cut-off shirt, name R_, #27 on back. Buff arms, legs; couldn’t take my eyes off u on rowing machine! You can row my boat anytime! ;-) Sincerely, Hot brunette femme, hot pink tank top. When: May 3. Where: Riverside YMCA. #1358-0507 MEET FOR BREAKFAST AGAIN? You: Detective, JSO Organized Crime Unit, PDDS Division. Me: Work from home for IT company. We sat beside each other at breakfast. Chatted; hoped you’d ask me out; you didn’t. Single? Meet for breakfast again? Get in touch. When: May 3. Where: U.S. 17 Waffle House. #1357-0507 CUTIE WITH TEA & HOOKAH Amsterdam, Tuesday 9-11 p.m. You: Zip-up hoodie, alone. We made eye contact. Me: Black dress. I went to bathroom; my friend said you’d leave number. So excited; you left suddenly without saying anything, before I said hey. Went outside, you were gone! Meet again? :) When: March 30. Where: Amsterdam Hookah Lounge. #1356-0507 HOT BRUNETTE, WHITE SHORTS You: Gorgeous brunette at Salty Pelican Saturday night; with a friend. We shared a moment; we both felt it. Hope you read this, hope to hear back. You’re one in a million – beautiful green-eyed brunette. When: April 26. Where: Salty Pelican, Fernandina. #1355-0507 BEAUTIFUL POKER PLAYER @ PLAYERS ISU after poker Wednesday night, Players Grill, with redheaded friend. Your beautiful blonde hair caught my eye. You: White top. Me: Black blue-striped golf shirt, admired you from the bar. You hugged girls; I want one of those hugs! When: April 23. Where: Players Grill. #1354-0430 YOU HELD THE DOOR OPEN Me: Tall brunette, blue shirt. You: Brown hair, beautiful eyes, burgundy shirt/jeans, black Chevy SUV or Escalade. I think you went in Walmart after I did. I looked for you; love to meet again. When: April 21. Where: Walmart Gas Station Philips Hwy. #1353-0430

FOLIO WEEKLY PUZZLER by Merl Reagle. Presented by

SAN MARCO 2044 San Marco Blvd. 398-9741

PONTE VEDRA

SOUTHSIDE

330 A1A North 280-1202

10300 Southside Blvd. 394-1390

THE SHOPPES OF PONTE VEDRA

Who Are We?

77 Soaks, as flax 78 Actress Lupino 79 Chinese-year critter 80 Sound 82 Like Leno * 85 Bumbling TV spy 87 “King Kong” maker 89 Literary captain 90 Chaplin’s last wife 91 Batting-practice contraptions (this involves two theme words) * 95 Evasive 96 Ricky portrayer 97 “Post-” opposite 98 Game center? 99 ___ of honor 101 Ernest addition 103 Soccer star Michelle 105 Tennis do-overs 108 “Fanatics & Fools” author * 111 North Atlantic birds * 114 ___ capacity 115 “Pet” that sprouts 117 Playing piece 118 “How dumb of me!” 119 Finally 122 Query to a grump * 126 Slangy gun 127 Chastised 128 Traveling band 129 Approves 130 “Wherever fine products ___” 131 Mawkish

NOTE: The answers to the 11 asterisked clues have something in common, which should become clear about halfway through. Explanation next week.

ACROSS 1 Diarist’s first name 6 What a single coin gets you on a pinball machine 13 Join the party 19 Canned heat 20 Military head? 21 Hung in folds 22 “Soon It’s Gonna Rain” musical * 24 It may involve heavy breathing 25 Dull finish? 26 Velvet finish? 27 Where the water buffalo roam 28 Barbra, for one 29 Brat Packer who wrote “Love Life” * 32 Ice cream flavor * 36 Look elated 37 Like a skink’s skin 41 NYC street crosser? 42 Use (a chaise) 44 Motor ___ 46 “You ___ me one!” 47 Rueful word 49 Martini request 50 “Eyes Wide Shut” * 57 Major source of baseball talent 58 Apple bestseller 59 Crowd noise of a sort 60 Regatta craft 61 The ___ (nickname for each season’s recurring villain on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) * 63 It’s bigger than a bust 65 33,000 ft., e.g. 67 Spaniard’s quest 68 Gathers dust 69 School subj. 70 Former World Bank head * 74 “Slippery” tree 1

DOWN 1 Pulsating, to a poet 2 If ___ 3 And now a word from our spaniel 4 ___ jam 5 Clairol oldie, Hair ___ 6 Mills of portraiture fame 7 Type of mil. base 8 Bluesy James 9 Excessively proper 10 On the up and up 11 Turkey’s capital 12 “Absolutely” 13 Wing it 14 Goes places

G E T S A T

R E H A S H

O R E L S E

A S F A T

R H O N E

M O U N D

R E A C H E D

C A R T H A G E

A N A T U R A L

W L I E S O R G U N G A R G V E E A N D R E RW A E V L I C E L P T A A T E L A R S R C H E A N P A E

S T E R E O

A U B U R N S

S N A G

E T C H I I N A G M E O F R L E A S T

44 51

108

T E N T S

B R O O K E

Y A W N E R

79 86

102

109

122

81 89

98 104

105

106 107

111 112 116

113

117

118

123

124 125

126

127

128

129

130

131

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110 115

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T H E I R

100

D O O D L E S

E N S N A R E S

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56 61

42 47

77 83

A N D A N U N A S T T E E

S B R E R E N A L E N T A C O S T B A T I A N A V N H I N E O C T I F E O N F A C R A A S H E M E R D O P E O U T O R R I G I E C O L M S W C I A T I A L A T N E T H

B E L L I E S

B M O C

O C E A N

28 32

B A N D J J O S W N K E L M Y E A M O A B B B I E E D

U T E N E S U N S A M S A U T U E Z D R U E S I N S H T S C O U R E H E A A L S C T H E O E K L E S

71 Of ___ (similar) 72 Harem room 73 Forecast word 74 First lady’s home? 75 Drink garnish 76 Pasture protests 77 Uracil’s place 81 Kid-helping org. 82 Cola lead-in 83 Moonshine 84 “I Believe ___” 85 Hurt like heck 86 Toll hwy. 88 Fall mo. 92 “Of Thee ___” 93 College sr.’s test 94 Nelson’s lead-in? 96 Renders harmless 100 Neighbors of C notes 102 Goya was one 103 Ekberg and Pointer 104 Slight fight 106 Clear the clutter 107 Red Baron chaser 109 Emcee’s job 110 Midwest air hub 112 Condos, e.g. 113 Actress Elisabeth 116 Regarding 117 Anti-DUI grp. 119 “I see” sounds 120 Hot potful 121 Hens do it 122 Ring org. 123 Predator of the deep 124 Major D.C. lobby 125 Red state org.

Solution to Pun Party

15 Wheat-free soy sauce 16 ___ EST HWY MPG 17 Nose, in Nice 18 Pres. monogram 19 Symbol by the L in an elevator 23 Pro shop buys 28 Live 30 Scottish landowners 31 Bygone Dodge 33 To no ___ 34 Fix, as a voice-over 35 Nixon’s birthplace, ___ Linda, Calif. 38 Voight in “Ali” 39 Hole-punching tool 40 Meadows 43 Swimmer Diana 45 Sergeant, for ex. 48 Circumference 50 Hawk’s cousin 51 Immediately after 52 1970s tennis great 53 Actor Kinski 54 Hanks’s “Bosom Buddies” co-star Peter 55 Territory 56 Ocean’s bottom 57 Meas. system that includes dynes and ergs 62 Mayan site, Chichen ___ 64 Not locked 66 Five-word greeting to an unknown addressee: abbr. 68 Alaska’s first capital

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JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 31

32 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | JUNE 25-JULY 1, 2014