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CONTENTS //

AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 • VOLUME 28 • NUMBER 22

CHEATERS PROSPER

21 MAIL FIGHTIN’ WORDS 2 MINUTES WITH NEWS

5 5 6 7

COVER STORY OUR PICKS THE KNIFE LIVE MUSIC

8 12 14 15

FILM MAGIC LANTERNS ARTS DINING

11 20 22 24 26

BITE-SIZED WEIRD ASTROLOGY I SAW U

28 29 29 30

Cover photo: Dennis Ho. Cover design: Shan Stumpf PUBLISHER • Sam Taylor staylor@folioweekly.com / 904.260.9770 ext. 111

EDITORIAL

EDITOR • Jeffrey C. Billman jbillman@folioweekly.com / ext. 115 SENIOR EDITOR • Marlene Dryden mdryden@folioweekly.com / ext. 131 INTERIM A&E EDITOR • Janet Harper jharper@folioweekly.com / ext. 128 WRITERS-AT-LARGE Susan Cooper Eastman seastman@folioweekly.com Derek Kinner dkinner@folioweekly.com CARTOONIST • Tom Tomorrow CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Rob Brezsny, Daniel A. Brown, John E. Citrone, Julie Delegal, AG Gancarski, Nicholas Garnett, Claire Goforth, Dan Hudak, Shelton Hull, MaryAnn Johanson, Amanda Long, Heather Lovejoy, Nick McGregor, Cameron Meier, Jeff Meyers, Kara Pound, Merl Reagle, Scott Renshaw, Carley Robinson, Chuck Shepherd, Melody Taylor and Abigail Wright

VIDEOGRAPHER • Doug Lewis

DESIGN

ART DIRECTOR • Shan Stumpf sstumpf@folioweekly.com / ext. 116 SENIOR GRAPHIC DESIGNER • Dana Fasano dfasano@folioweekly.com / ext. 117 GRAPHIC DESIGNER • Allison Walsh awalsh@folioweekly.com / ext. 117 PHOTOGRAPHER • Dennis Ho dho@folioweekly.com / ext. 122 DESIGN INTERN •Taylor Doran

BUSINESS & ADMINISTRATION BUSINESS MANAGER • Cherish Kelly fpiadmin@folioweekly.com / ext. 119 VICE PRESIDENT • T. Farrar Martin fmartin@folioweekly.com

DISTRIBUTION

EDITOR’S NOTE

Bobby Pendexter / cosmicdistributions@gmail.com

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Folio Weekly is published every Wednesday throughout Northeast Florida. It contains opinions of contributing writers that are not necessarily the opinion of this publication. Folio Weekly welcomes both editorial and photographic contributions. Calendar information must be received two weeks in advance of event date. Copyright © Folio Publishing, Inc. 2014. All rights reserved. Advertising rates and information are available on request. An advertiser purchases right of publication only. One free copy per person. Additional copies and back issues are $1 each at the office or $4 by U.S. mail, based on availability. First Class mail subscriptions are $48 for 13 weeks, $96 for 26 weeks and $189 for 52 weeks. Please recycle Folio Weekly. Folio Weekly is printed on recycled paper using soy-based inks. 27,000 press run. Audited weekly readership 105,315.

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“What is clear to me … is that this group of Republican political consultants or operatives did in fact conspire to manipulate and influence the redistricting process,” Judge Terry P. Lewis wrote in July, in a scorching castigation of how the state drew its congressional boundaries. “ … They made a mockery of the Legislature’s proclaimed transparent and open process of redistricting by doing this all in the shadow of that process, utilizing the access it gave them to the decision makers. … They managed to taint the redistricting process and the resulting map with improper partisan intent.” In other words, they cheated. And the Republicans who run Tallahassee let them. They cheated by cramming every black voter between here and Orlando into one sprawling, nonsensical district, jutting here and there and everywhere, which guaranteed that Corrine Brown would never again have to lift a finger in service of her own reelection, while also ensuring that no Republican from Northeast Florida would ever have to worry about soliciting the votes of or giving a good goddamn about minorities or Democrats or non-conservatives in general. They cheated, too, by gerrymandering District 10 to protect U.S. Rep. Dan Webster, R-Orlando, through the use of what Judge Lewis called an “odd-shaped appendage” packed with white suburbanites, and by “destroy[ing] e-mails and other evidence of communication regarding the redistricting process.” Lewis declared the map unconstitutional — after all, just in 2010 Florida voters had approved an amendment to the state constitution mandating that congressional and State House and Senate districts be drawn without this kind of chicanery — and ordered the Legislature to take another pass. After a special session in August, the Republicans produced a second map that had some … um, let’s call it light tinkering. Brown’s district, for instance, still snakes hither and yon between the 904 and 407, but the configuration is arguably slightly less bonkers. Slightly. Last week, Lewis signed off on those new maps. (The League of Women Voters, which challenged the original maps, has promised an appeal.) And then he backed down on his earlier threat to force the state to use new maps for this year’s congressional elections, a logistical nightmare that would have required special elections in 2015. In the end, he didn’t really have a choice. And so the cheaters won. Their maps — their unconstitutional, gerrymandered maps — will be in effect in November. Come 2016 we’ll get the new, improved maps — which are still an intentional assist to the state GOP. The political science literature is skeptical — more skeptical than journalists, certainly — about how big a role gerrymandering actually plays in our national political morass. Regardless, Florida still has a system in which politicians choose their voters, not the other way around. What we need is another constitutional amendment, one that would require the creation of a nonpartisan commission to draw congressional and legislative boundaries, like the one in California that has produced some of the most competitive districts in the country. Elections are too important a business to be left in the hands of the self-interested. The cheaters can no longer be allowed to prosper.

Jeffrey C. Billman twitter/jeffreybillman jbillman@folioweekly.com AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 3

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FIGHTIN’ WORDS

MAIL

HOGAN, HERO?

Mad bomber Mike Hogan looks to blow up Lenny Curry’s spot

W The Next Ferguson

Maybe the unrest in Ferguson, Missouri, is a precursor of Florida problems yet to come. At this time, Jacksonville has decided that postponing the trial of racial lawbreakers is a reasonable response to local cases. The trial and conviction of Michael Dunn has been placed on the backburner in hopes that it will catch protesters sleeping. This may work in the short term, but our real problem is quietly festering. Florida has approached its crime explosion with citizen arming and Republican voting dominance. But Jacksonville has a minority containment plan which may explode beyond Ferguson levels. Our unemployment levels are just as high, diversity aspirations are very low, and gun ownership is booming. We won’t be able to lowball the Dunn murder trial forever or push Marissa Alexander into a scary prison term for shooting a wall with a pistol. Stand Your Ground laws have stood long enough! They were originally written to give whites a defense against mugging. Now it is just a Wild West right to carry a gun. I would hope we could erase this law and put guns back in our homes where they belong. Robert A. Taylor

Sales Taxes Are Good

A couple of things on the sales tax [Editor’s Note, “No New Sales Tax,” Jeffrey C. Billman, Aug. 13]. If it is raising $68 million, it is likely a one-half-cent sales tax. Even then, the amount raised is more likely to be between $70 million and $75 million. Yes, it will be dedicated to Police & Fire Pension Fund. There is also likely to be an equal amount of funds freed up in the general budget that will be spent on things like libraries, Animal Care and Protective Services, Downtown redevelopment, and dredging or other port improvements. Is the property tax progressive? The answer is, not really. If one of Folio Weekly’s readers rents a twobedroom apartment in a quadraplex in San

Marco, does he pay property tax? The answer is yes, and here’s why. Corporations never pay taxes and neither do landlords. If the quadraplex is valued at $400,000 and the taxes are raised by 1 mil, the cost to the landlord is $400. Rental property is not homesteaded, so there is no exemption. The renter in question will likely have his rent increased by $8.34 per month to cover onefourth of the property tax. If our renter is paying a half-cent sales tax, he must remember that food, medicine and rent (for a lease period of seven months or longer) are exempt. He pays no sales tax on almost 50 percent of his income. If he earns $40,000 per year and spends 71 percent of his remaining funds of $20,000, then he will pay a half-percent on $14,000, or a total of $70. This is $30 less than the 1 mil property tax would have cost him in increased rent. Sales taxes can be good, and in the case of the Fair Tax, they can be made to be very progressive. Bruce A. Fouraker

Waste Millions

So we can afford to waste millions on two giant TVs but programs like these [Cover Story, “19 Things We Could Have Done Instead of Build Shad Khan’s Scoreboards,” Jeffrey C. Billman and Susan Cooper Eastman, July 30] that aim to better the quality of life for the people get axed with reckless abandon. SMFH. Dylan Targonski, via Facebook

DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS In last week’s Our Picks, we misstated the date of the monthly Classic Car Cruise at SeaWalk Pavilion in Jax Beach. It’s held the third Tuesday every month. The next one is Sept. 16. We regret the error. If you would like to respond to something that appeared in the pages of Folio Weekly, please send an email with your address and phone number (for verification purposes only) to mail@folioweekly.com.

hile the straw poll results at the recent right-of-center hobnob in Jacksonville suggest there might be some life in the Bill Bishop campaign, most observers think the mayoral race is going to come down to Alvin and Lenny. After all, they’ve got the money, the name recognition and the institutional support. In any election, let alone a low-turnout, off-year election, that stuff matters. One school of thought is that Curry, the former state Republican Party chair, could benefit from running to Mayor Brown’s left on the human rights ordinance and related issues, essentially running through the hole John Delaney cleared for him when the legislation was on the table. Don’t hold your breath. While it would be refreshing for Curry to talk real on the HRO, there are political reasons that can’t happen. One reason in particular: If he does, Republican Mike Hogan, who lost a mayoral bid in 2011, might see an opening and jump in. It’s an open secret among developers and politicos alike that Hogan has been reaching out to his Westside money marks, testing the waters to see if they’d fund him again. Sources with direct knowledge maintain that Hogan uses Curry’s HRO ambivalence to paint the former chair of the Florida Republican Party as soft on conservative issues. And then there were the revelations in the Times-Union last week that a memo went out to local GOP donors from a consultant stating that Hogan, along with City Councilman Bill Gulliford (who has ruled out a mayoral bid), would have the best shot at dethroning Brown. The reality is, Hogan had his chance four years ago. His election seemed inevitable. Then he destroyed himself. His past boosters, a nexus of political support reminiscent of the good-ol’-boy network Jake Godbold tapped into decades before, believe Mike blew it. Take this debacle: joking during a campaign stop about how bombing an abortion clinic “may cross my mind,” then justifying it with “I’m not going to be politically correct. That was a joke. This was an audience for this. This is a Catholic church.” Nice way to choke a winnable election in Jacksonville. Pander to social conservatives,

and throw the papists under the bus in the bargain. After that mess, Brown looked pretty damn good. When I reached out to Hogan for comment on his intentions, he dodged the question, saying his current “quasi-judicial position” with the Florida Public Employees Relations Commission (for which he makes a cool $95,000 for God knows what) made it “inappropriate/unlawful to comment on political issues.” He didn’t want to talk about Lenny Curry at all, tellingly. This was a rare moment of silence for the once-and-(perhaps)-future candidate. Hogan showed more self-discipline in his non-response than he did back in 2007, when he spoke out for leniency for a youth pastor friend of his, the ironically named Rev. Richard Sweat, who got five years in prison for having child porn on his computer. Of course, argued the defense, the illicit images were a conspiracy against Rev. Sweat, possibly planted by his wife or her father in a repkilling frame-up as their marriage unraveled. The same defense attempted to partially exonerate the good reverend by saying the pictures were old, so Sweat was somehow in the clear, because he was but a passive agent of the wanton victimization of helpless youth. Hogan stood by his defense of Sweat in 2011, yet another career-killer of a campaign gaffe. This mayoral election augurs — no matter who wins — a decisive break from the politics and the Jacksonville of the past. If Brown is the victor, he might govern less cautiously. Same goes for Curry, who wants to be the new John Delaney. Hogan, by comparison, is an atavistic throwback. Someone like Hogan gets one shot — he took it four years ago. All he can do now is sabotage Lenny Curry by forcing him to run the “who’s more conservative?” identikit Republican campaign. The person who’d benefit most from Hogan jumping in? The same person who benefitted four years ago: Alvin Brown, who could bob and weave his way toward an anti-climactic confrontation with a damaged-goods candidate. AG Gancarski twitter/aggancarski mail@folioweekly.com

AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 5

2 MINUTES WITH … // DENNIS HO

HOOSHANG HARVESF/ OWNER, HOOSHANG ORIENTAL RUGS

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Folio Weekly: How did you get into Oriental rugs? Hooshang Harvesf: When you’re born in Persia, the first thing you see when you open up your eyes are rugs. It’s in the blood. If you’re rich, the rugs will be very nice; if you’re poor, the rugs, not so much. But no matter where you’re born, you see rugs. You deal with Oriental rugs even though you have a PhD in economics? My father always told his children to get your education first then get what will please you. Then you have something to fall back on. I did what he wished. So when did you decide to go into rugs? Even before getting my PhD, I knew what I would be doing. I never, ever have regretted going to school. I liked what I did. I like that I pursued his wish. But all throughout school, I knew what I really wanted to do. Your store has a long history. I opened this shop on Sept. 15, 1977. Longest-running business in Avondale. And by that I mean the same owner, same business, exact same spot in Avondale. I take pride in that fact. What exactly is an Oriental rug? To me, it means it’s hand-knotted and comes from anywhere in Asia. The only exception to the rule is kilim, which is a flat weave. But it’s still hand-woven and still considered an Oriental rug. Do they have to be made of specific material? All are made of natural fiber. Wool, silk and cotton. Nothing else. Do you feel that Oriental rugs are an art? Oh, yes. I didn’t coin the phrase, but it’s art under foot. It’s like looking at a picture. You feel it. You can see movement. Why do Oriental rugs cost so much? This is a labor-intensive product. By that I mean the cost of labor is more than the cost of the materials. The more time it takes to make the rug, the more expensive it becomes. What determines the value of the rug is the number of knots per square inch, quality of

wool because there are seven or eight types, complication of design, balance between color and design, and some factors like where the rug was made, who made it, the rarity of the rug — that all comes into play. Do they have to come from a specific area to be considered authentic? Persia, Pakistan, India, China, Turkey, Romania and Afghanistan. And if you compare the best of each country, Persia is the best. That’s a fact, not an opinion. If you compare the medium-level Persian rugs to the best rugs from China, the Chinese rugs will obviously be better. But when you compare the best each country has to offer, Persian is the best. How is that a fact and not an opinion? The proof is in the pudding. When you look at it, you can tell. Are there American rug-makers? No. This is labor-intensive. It takes a long time to make a good rug, and labor is expensive here. That’s why Oriental rugs come from overseas. It’s not because we can’t do it here, it’s because we can’t pay to do it here. The labor isn’t cheap. How long has rug trading been around? The rug industry is as old as civilization. In 1949, an archeologist named [Sergei Ivanovich] Rudenko discovered a rug called the Pazyryk Carpet which dates to 500 BC. It’s kept in a hermitage museum in [Saint Petersburg, Russia]. Is there a big demand for Oriental rugs in Northeast Florida? There’s still a lot of appreciation for it. Because of the economy, things are not as good right now. But we’re doing well and we’re still here. How can the average shopper identify an authentic rug from a phony? Since there’s a lot of money involved, they should trust the person they buy it from. There’s nothing more dangerous than knowing little about something. dho@folioweekly.com

NEWS

DUCK, GOOSE!

A Nassau County judge ordered the summary execution of a flock of geese for the crime of pooping near the judicial center that bears his name

hey were geese — about 25 birds, many of which initially migrated from the wilds of Canada, now found hanging out in the pond outside the Robert M. Foster Judicial Center in Yulee. They were pretty, sure, but they were also a pain in the ass, especially for people who work in or frequent the building, the main site of the Nassau County Courthouse, jail and other county offices. They aggressively approached passersby for food. More important, they pooped — in the parking lot, on the steps, everywhere. “[Visitors] were literally tracking goose poop through the courthouse,” says James Harrington, who operates Wild Things Nuisance Animal Removal. This was gross, and Robert M. Foster, the long-time circuit court judge whose name adorns the judicial center, would not stand for it. He adjudicated the geese guilty of defiling the courthouse with their excrement and declared a summary punishment: execution, by either crossbow or shotgun. The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service upheld the verdict. Harrington carried it out at dawn on Saturday, July 19. (The geese were offered neither blindfold nor cigarette.) He used a shotgun in accordance with FWS guidelines, though he says he’d rather have used the quieter crossbow. Either way, the birds were going to die. People showed up in force when they heard the order had been issued. They weren’t protesting; they wanted dinner, and pleaded with Harrington to give them the next goose he killed. (He couldn’t oblige because of federal regulations, and the dead birds were instead buried in a shallow grave nearby.) Fourteen geese met their maker that morning. The remaining 11 or so absconded and have not been seen since. Nobody showed up to protest, Harrington says. “People told me I was doing a great job and they were happy to see the courthouse clean again.”

But many people who work at the courthouse say the geese were more pleasure than annoyance. They liked to watch them — particularly the babies (called goslings), some of which Harrington reportedly also killed. No one would go on the record, though, because they fear reprisals from any courthouse staff or Judge Foster. But if you’re looking for animal-related outrage, there’s always PETA. Kristin Simon, a PETA employee whose official title is Cruelty Case Work Associate Manager, says

Killing them is “not only cruel, but it’s ineffective. This is really sad to see these animals lose their lives.” geese have posed similar problems across the country, and this is all humans’ fault. “It’s likely these animals have been fed and were well-meaning, but did not really know they were harming” visitors when they approached them, Simon says. “Animals who appear aggressive are often just expecting a handout. We are encroaching on their habitat, so these encounters are more and more natural. These animals are just trying to survive and feed their families.” Foster did not return several phone calls, but Harrington, whose company dispatches a lot of “nuisance” animals in Northeast Florida, agrees, at least in part, though

he adds that other factors beyond human conditioning come into play. He says geese have been problematic in Nassau County for the last two years, and this sort of issue is not uncommon in Northeast Florida. “They actually are attracted to our area,” Harrington says. “It’s all of North Florida, like gated communities. They are the perfect place for them. Then people feed them. It is what was happening. They were approaching people to get food. It’s a wildlife version of welfare.” Still, Simon says, PETA would rather see these welfare queens granted leniency. Killing them is “not only cruel, but it’s ineffective,” Simon says. “If they are attracted to the area, more geese will continue to go there. This is really sad to see these animals lose their lives. They all have their own instincts to survive.” She wishes Nassau County officials had tried other ways to eliminate the goose problem. “This is your basic population ecology,” Simon says. “They are attracted to certain things, and if you eliminate those things, they go away, but if you continue to have things that are attractive, they will stay and others will come. It doesn’t take a lot of research to find that humane goose deterrents are easily attainable and long-term effective.” Harrington counters that they had tried several different methods over the last two years, but the geese never took the hint. They waved large white flags at the birds with the hope of shell-shocking them into leaving. They trapped the geese in nets and relocated them. They put a non-toxic but foul-smelling chemical into the geese’s nests. But the geese kept coming back. Harrington says that when county officials initially began trying to remove the geese, there were about 60 of the birds. By the time the federal execution permit was issued, there were about 25. Now there are none. Derek Kinner dkinner@folioweekly.com

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was early April, and the hot Florida sun was barely restraining an assault to turn Downtown into a convection oven. After getting

rained out the past several months, the weather gods had finally deigned to smile on Downtown businesses, and Art Walk was packed for the first time in a long time. Night was starting to set in, and most of the art vendors had packed up their wares. The crowds had shifted from MOCA and Hemming Plaza to the bars and clubs along Ocean and Bay, spilling onto the sidewalks and into the streets. Inside Burro Bar, a young crowd of punk kids and hipster-types was drinking PBRs and local craft brews, some watching a dance-punk band finishing its set on the small stage, some mingling and attempting to be heard over the noise. And then Twinki walked in.

y Story b Janet Harper Photos by Dennis Ho

TWINKI with VOCKAH REDU, VLAD THE INHALER and HEAVY FLOW 8 p.m. Sept. 5, Underbelly, Downtown, $10, 699-8186, underbellylive.com

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The crowd at Burro can be apathetic on Art Walk nights, many of them only there because it’s something to do on a Wednesday. But not tonight. As if on cue, everyone turned their attention to the stage. Twinki — a six-and-a-half-foot-tall, 34-year-old drag queen in platforms, a huge blonde curly wig and a black corset over tights bulging to the seams with larger-than-life booty pads stuffed inside — towered above the audience as she strutted to the mic. She beamed down at us, thanked us for coming, then turned to the deejay, signaling him to start the beat, a blend of old-school hip-hop and trap music. “I’m DTF so FML. YOLO, nigga, can’t you spell?” she raps in her white-girl-in-Brooklyn accent. The audience erupts in applause. She kneels on the floor, leans back and grinds her hips back and forth toward us as she goes into the chorus. “I got that zombie pussy/ You’re killin’ it every night/ It wants to eat your brains now/ because you’re doin’ it right.” Twinki is the stage name of Carl Cochrane, who, like most drag queens, refers to himself as Twinki when he’s in costume and Carl when he’s not. But Cochrane doesn’t mind being called either no matter what he’s wearing. “Twinki is Carl and Carl is Twinki,” he says. “Twinki is just Carl on the next level.” He’s also indifferent to what pronoun you ascribe to him. “Most of my gay friends refer to each other as ‘she.’ It’s just part of our vernacular now, the pronoun we roll with, I guess mostly because it’s funnier that way.” (For most of this story, we’ll go with ‘he.’ Out of character, Cochrane lives as a mostly, but not exclusively, gay man.) The only drag rapper in Northeast Florida, Cochrane knows that winning over the often-misogynistic hip-hop world is an uphill battle, even more so in his culturally conservative adopted home. “People that don’t know me, I can’t even imagine what they think,” he says. “If I was a straight white dude in the South and see me get on stage? If you call yourself a hip-hop aficionado, and everything that you’ve been taught is this male-centered, hardcore, hetero-normative hip-hop shit, and then you see somebody like me perform, at first you’re like, ‘No fucking way.’ Then you’re like, ‘Wait a minute. This motherfucker is actually good.’” So good, in fact, that Cochrane, a sharp-tongued Brooklyn transplant, has become a local celebrity of sorts, known among the hipster set and within the hip-hop scene for his skill as a rapper and ability to put on a show. But Twinki’s budding fame is also due to the

fact that Jacksonville’s never seen anything like him before. In New York, the queer rap culture is verging on mainstream, and in New Orleans the sissy bounce scene has made it to national TV with rising star Big Freedia’s Fuse show Queen of Bounce. But in Northeast Florida, Carl stands out — and that’s exactly why he’s here. “I’ll just have to change their minds,” he says. “I still get looks wherever I go. It’s not as bad as when I moved here 13 years ago, but I feel like I can make more of an impact here.”

here he grew up in Brownsville, a lowerclass suburb of Brooklyn nicknamed Murderville by the locals, there weren’t many opportunities for kids in the projects. Young Carl rapped on street corners with his friends and rode the trains into the city. His uncle was shot on the street right around the corner from his apartment building. He watched a boy come to his brother’s defense by attacking his aggressors with a meat cleaver. He found a young girl getting molested under the stairs of his apartment building. (The girl’s brother, Cochrane says, had been pimping her out to his friends.) Cochrane’s mother worried about him, understandably so, and insisted that he excel in school so that he could have a future outside of Brownsville. Carl took his mother’s advice and studied hard. He performed in school plays, was on the debate team, ran cross-country, and made friends across the high-school clique spectrum, especially with the theater geeks and goth kids. But he never quite fit in. “I was clearly different from most boys,” he says. “I was more effeminate.” Based on Cochrane’s walk, a very confident but feminine

gait, and his exaggerated hand gestures, everyone assumed that he was gay, even when Carl was dating girls. He struggled with the decision to come out, because he was still into girls, too. “Everybody wants to define you and put you in a box,” he says, “and once you say that you’ve had sex with a man, well, oh, you’re gay. But I’m just not. I still like girls.” Cochrane never had a singular, definitive coming-out moment. His mother already knew, and had accepted it several years before Carl even knew himself. “My mom had a conversation with me when I was really, young, like 7 or 8, and she was basically letting me know that it was OK if I liked boys,” he says. “I knew that that was what she was doing, but I wasn’t telling her what she wanted to hear because I didn’t know it yet. When I finally realized that I knew who I was when I was like 13, 14, she just asked me, ‘So do you have a boyfriend yet?’” Carl lost his virginity to a girl who was an actress with him in a school production of Fiddler on the Roof his sophomore year. He first slept with a man — a man at least 10 years his senior — a few months later. “I felt like I had come into myself,” Cochrane

says. “Finally getting with a man was like really losing my virginity.” Even though Cochrane was teased as a teenager, he also had supportive friends. He made it through high school with top grades, and earned a full scholarship to a small liberal arts school in Ohio. Cochrane majored in biology, but his true passion was the arts. He loved singing and dancing, rapping and acting — anything that got him in front of an audience. When he got the lead in a college stage production, the director recommended that he switch majors. “I was always the theater kid, but I thought I wanted to be this suit-andtie corporate type,” Cochrane says. He wasn’t focused, and his grades suffered. He dropped out after his freshman year. “I should have listened [to the director],” Cochrane says. “I probably would have finished.” He wandered aimlessly for a year or so, ending up in Norfolk, Virginia, where he worked in a Walmart photo lab. There he met a group of college-aged kids on a road trip to Jacksonville, a city he’d never heard of, and decided to tag along. “I figured if I didn’t like it, I could leave,” he says.

“Twinki is Carl and Carl is Twinki. Twinki is just Carl on the next level.”

That was 2001.

hen Carl landed in Jacksonville, he had little in the way of possessions and little clue what to do with his life. As he immersed himself into the Riverside queer scene, he met a group of gay rappers and moved in with them. (Cochrane is very outgoing, and makes friends very easily.) It was then, while living with them, that Carl first conceived of Twinki, a character through which he could express what he had been trying to say as an aspiring rapper but just couldn’t. “When I was rapping, I never felt like I was Carl,” he says. “I felt like I was this other entity, and she was definitely not a boy. She was fabulous but she was ghetto, and still kinda hardcore, much like myself. But I felt like my rap persona had to be outside of myself.” Cochrane idolized Lil Kim and Foxy Brown, and modeled Twinki after the hard Brooklyn women he’d grown up with. Twinki’s style, however, didn’t fit into the local drag scene, so Cochrane and his friends started DRAGstravaganza, a monthly alternative drag show at Club TSI. “This was the first time these performers were seen or performed outside of the LBGT community and clubs,” says Jason Grimes, co-owner of Club TSI. It was the only nontraditional drag show in the area, and the turnout for the first several months was huge, usually more than 100 people. Twinki and company gained an almost cult-like following. “Carl is one of the most talented performance artists in the city, hands down,” Grimes says. But the show got to be too draining. As soon as they finished one, they’d have to start preparing for the next, coming up with a theme,

AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 9

ABOVE: Twinki performs at Burro Bar in April. LEFT: Carl, in the process of becoming Twinki.

designing new costumes and making new music. Cochrane was working full time in sales, and most of the others had full-time jobs as well, so they decided to put DRAGstravaganza on the back burner. Cochrane continued to hone his skills at Hip Hop Hell, a weekly showcase of the best MCs and DJs in Northeast Florida. Back in 2011, when Cochrane got involved, battle rapping was a staple Hell event. Even when it’s done in good fun, it is by definition nasty. MCs use their words as weapons. Cochrane’s flamboyance and sexuality made him an easy target — too easy, perhaps. The insults hurled in his direction tended toward the unimaginative. “It’s a spectator sport, a gladiator sport. The crowd wants more blood,” says Michael “Drazah” Coleman, a local MC. “The things that people would say were so cliché. Nobody was mentally prepared to battle him. He shocked a lot of people when he went out there and did very well.” “As a boy growing up being called a sissy and a faggot his whole life, I’m quick with my words,” Cochrane says. “Faggots, we been doin’ this for years. We read each other. Oh, you’re gonna call me a faggot; well, I’m going to talk about your shoes and the fact that your mom’s a crackhead and on welfare and that you don’t know your father. I’ma read you for filth. But it’s a joke. We’ve all had to do it. We’ve all had to be defensive.” Josh Dunn, a local band promoter and maker of the hipster-famous Big Dunn T-shirts, was impressed by Cochrane’s battle 10 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014

skills. “I saw him battle rap, this openly gay MC,” Dunn recalls. “He definitely ate, like, three MCs that night.” Dunn decided then that he wanted to help Cochrane make it big. With Twinki’s reputation growing and a promoter who believed in him, Cochrane decided to leave his 9-to-5 behind and take on Twinki full time. “I couldn’t stay,” he says of his job in sales. “It was one of those soul-killing things. I had to get away from the corporate world long enough to see if I could really make it as Twinki.” That was a year ago. Since then, Cochrane has been spending all of his time writing music. He’s opened for the likes of Kool Keith and upand-comer Lil Debbie of the White Girl Mob. On Sept. 5, he’ll open for Vockah Redu, one of the biggest artists in the sissy bounce scene (see sidebar, facing page). That’s not to say it’s been easy flying without a safety net. His friends pitch in, letting him crash with them and buying him beer and cigarettes. Everything else he needs he pays for with the money he makes from playing out-of-town gigs. It’s not much, but so far it’s been enough to get by. It might be easier in a larger, more progressive market, Cochrane admits, but he feels indebted to the people here who have helped him get where he is. “Twinki is something this city needs,” Cochrane says. “We’re a little backwards here. In a lot of ways, it really could be the 1950s in this town. This is one more thing that’s bringing it forward.” jharper@folioweekly.com

t SXSW in Austin this year, I saw some 60 bands perform 75 different shows in roughly 25 different venues. But the head-and-shoulders highlight was watching New Orleans-born rapper, dancer and choreographer Vockah Redu close out the festival at a dark, dimly lit dive bar on its final night. More than 6 feet tall, with a dancer’s sinewy physique, skeleton tights and a shock of stand-on-end hair loosed from long dreadlocks, Redu arrived like the lovechild of Prince and George Clinton, storming on stage in a cloud of incense and instantly commandeering everyone’s attention. Backed by two vigorously disciplined dancers from his constantly revolving Cru, Redu’s performance careened from ass-shaking beats to warped art-rock grooves to uplifting call-and-response chants to intensely choreographed physicality. In 45 minutes, the awe-inspiring onslaught never once let up, transforming the blasé hipster crowd into a sweating, frenzied mass of no-holdsbarred dancers. Redu hails from the same bounce scene as New Orleans superstars Big Freedia, Katey Red and Cheeky Blakk, all of whom have been twerking and tweaking gender roles as

far back as the mid-’90s. But Redu, who has a 10-year-old daughter and in past interviews has doggedly avoided questions about his sexuality and the constraints of the transfriendly “sissy bounce” sub-genre, says his style is all his own. “I basically have my own genre called pop-rock-neo-Vock,” Redu tells Folio Weekly. “A little pop, a little neo-soul, a little poetry, all mixed with the theatrical stuff. I started out in bounce back in 1997, but that was just me having fun with a group of girls. I didn’t even know I was actually rapping! But the thugs would always push me to get on the mic, and the girls would dance when I did, so by men loving to see women dance, it was a chain reaction.” Redu attended high school at the New Orleans Center for Creative Arts, then studied theater at Grambling State University, where he discovered his penchant for performance — and parlaying positive energy. “People say when you go to see Vockah, it’s like you’re at church,” he says. “I encourage people to just be themselves, especially anyone who’s being bullied because they’re different. I want to uplift them, encourage them to live their life to the fullest. That’s my platform. Right now, this hour, let everything go, put your hands

up, dance, and have fun. I’m really soft-spoken and calm outside of the stage — people on a normal day be like, ‘Kick a freestyle!’ but that’s not me. When I get on stage, it’s almost like an out-of-mind, out-of-body experience.” Yet Redu takes his corporeal game seriously: elaborate costume changes every 10 to 15 minutes, and one of the most ripped bodies in all of hip-hop. “It’s the dancing and the food I eat,” Redu laughs. “I have a workout video coming out soon, and when I go to a city for the first time for a concert, I like to set up dance workshops beforehand.” Which brings us to Vockah Redu’s nearterm and long-term future. His Sept. 5 show at Underbelly represents the first time he’s ever played in Florida — and he’s currently working on his first full-length album with superstar producers like Sir Mix-A-Lot and Diplo. “It should be out in January, right around my birthday,” Vockah says. “And the touring keeps building, which keeps me moving. That and all the people telling me after my shows how much I touched them, of how I got them to see the light. That humbles me and gets my eyes watering — I’m very sentimental.” Nick McGregor mail@folioweekly.com

AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 11

Our Picks Reasons to leave the house this week

SUP RACE THE GREAT PONTE VEDRA PADDLE

Since its inception in 2012, the annual Great Ponte Vedra Paddle has become one of the largest standup paddleboarding events on the East Coast, last year drawing 225 competitors and some 500 spectators. There are three SUP races this Labor Day morning: a 5-mile, a 1-mile sprint (“sprint,” heh), and a 3-mile. For the less-athletic among us, the day is rounded out by an Anything That Floats Challenge, a quarter-mile race in which you can use, well, anything that floats – kayaks, inner tubes, floating lounge chairs, whatevs. Proceeds benefit HEAL Foundation, which does some fantastic work for those with autism. 8 a.m. Sept. 1 at Micklers Landing, Ponte Vedra Beach.

DANCE, DANCE, REVOLUTION DANCE RADIO BASS BASH FUNDRAISER

Community is important, especially when you’re in need – financially, emotionally, or just to throw a hella-awesome benefit dance party. Come shake what your momma gave you and peep the skills of eight DJs (the talented kind, not the ones who splice dial-up din on their trust-fund Macbooks) and spoken word artists as they raise funds for Kathleen Williams, a young girl fighting cancer without insurance. There’s a free vegan potluck and free keg, too, and what sounds like a supersweet raffle. See? Community rules. 5 p.m. Aug. 31 at rain dogs., Riverside, $5.

RELIVING THE GILDED AGE LIGHTNER MUSEUM CURATOR’S TOURS

HOLIDAY WEEKEND! FIRST COAST MUSIC FEST

Got some smokin’ plans for Labor Day Weekend? If not, the second-annual New Leaf First Coast Music Fest has you covered. Touted as the largest original music festival in Jacksonville, the event features a lineup of more than 60 bands – including Grandpa’s Cough Medicine, FFJBMusic Team (pictured), Fusebox Funk, De Lions of Jah and Lake Disney – making the weekend’s offerings as eclectic as a shelf full of flavored nicotine juice (if you’re into that sort of thing). 4:30 p.m. Aug. 30 and 31 at Underbelly, 1904 Music Hall (and its outdoor courtyard stage) and Burro Bar, Downtown, $10 for one day, $15 for the weekend, firstcoastmusicfest.com

For 60-plus years, the Lightner Museum – founded by Chicago publisher Otto Lightner and later dedicated to the city of St. Augustine – has offered one of the Southeast’s premier collections of eclectic and eccentric Gilded Age relics: an urn from a Russian palace, a blown-glass piston machine, and so on. Starting Sept. 3, curator Barry Myers resumes monthly guided tours of the Lightner’s many treasures, giving us a chance to more deeply connect with the building, its history and artifacts. The first tour focuses on rare, antique musical instruments. Tours begin 10 a.m. every first Wednesday at the Lightner Museum, St. Augustine, included with admission (adults $10; St. Johns County residents and kids younger than 12 free).

SLICE OF ART MONEYHUN’S ‘UNDER THE ROSE’

Finally – a papercut that won’t leave you sucking your finger. Florida Mining Gallery is showcasing Japanese-born Jacksonville artist Hiromi Moneyhun’s paper-cut art exhibition, Under the Rose, elaborate female forms cut carefully from single and quite sizeable sheets of paper. Her unique medium crosses (or cuts) straight through the limitations of dimension, utilizing flat sheets of paper adorned with carefully chosen absences, all coming together to create an art form that plays with its own shadow cast upon the walls. Opening reception held 6-8 p.m. Sept. 4, exhibit continues through October, at Florida Mining Gallery, Southside. 12 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014

THE EXPLOSIVE MARRIAGE SAMURAI SHOTGUN

It’s refreshing when an outfit discards self-conscious stage presence and overproduction and just plays loud, energetic music in about any joint on the power grid. Combining loose, expressive guitar riffs, a hip-hop vocal approach and turntable stylings, Samurai Shotgun’s sound is reminiscent of turn-ofthe-century acts like early Deftones, Lostprophets and Rage Against the Machine. It’s pure creativity with limited resources – DIY music at its best, a bridge between rap and thrash that works because Samurai isn’t trying too hard to sound like either. They’re just having fun. 8 p.m. Aug. 27 at Burro Bar, Downtown, $5.

AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 13

THE KNIFE

THE BOOK OF FOLK

“F

rom one ‘looney’ to another.” So reads the inscription in my copy of Ron Johnson’s new book, North Florida Folk Music: History and Tradition. He’s referencing the time we spent together many years ago in the cast of Theatre Jacksonville’s presentation of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Though I had known Johnson as a member of the music community, we had never spent any real time together. Our stint as fellow cast members was brief, but Johnson and I were afforded the opportunity to play mental patients, and that was a damn good time. Our association following the production was limited due to our busy lives, until a few weeks ago when I ran into Johnson while walking around my neighborhood. Turns out, he lives two streets over — and he had just completed the aforementioned book. And, against his better judgment, he asked me to review it. So, with the above disclaimer out of the way, let’s proceed. North Florida Folk Music is, in a word, fantastic. On balance, this is not a work of academia, and Johnson recognizes this in his introduction: “This work is not meant to be a scholarly or historical study of any significance. … The book is primarily to entertain you, the reader, as I introduce you to the world of folk music in Northeast Florida as I have come to know it.” In this light, we can enjoy this slim-yet-thorough volume as we would enjoy a fireside conversation with its author. The book is wisely divided into two main sections: “History” and “Traditions.” The first offers a short but comprehensive timeline of the progress of folk songwriting from the founding of Florida by the French and Spanish armies up through World War II and beyond. The second portion, a more significant chunk, picks apart the rich and varied landscape of Florida folk, focusing on the people rather than the music. (Indeed, it is the people that make the music and thus, the history.) The opening chapters are especially intriguing, as they dig into the roots of folk, buried deep in the minstrel tradition. A brief look into the life and work of Stephen Foster, who penned our state song, “Old Folks at Home (Suwannee River),” reveals much about the budding folk tradition. Foster was possibly, as Johnson points out, the first pop star in history, one of the first men to be paid to write popular music for the masses. Since there were no viable recording devices available in the mid-1800s, when Foster did the bulk of his work, the sales of sheet music was how they measured “hits.”

14 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014

And he sold a lot of sheet music. Also part of this early chapter is Johnson’s dip into the racist themes that cropped up in the minstrel songs. Foster mentions darkies in “Old Folks at Home.” Even earlier, “Turkey in the Straw” (aka “The Ice Cream Truck Song”) was riddled with racist lyrics. Johnson makes an effort here to explain away some of this, contending that Foster, an abolitionist supporter, and his ilk, wrote these songs to present blacks as human beings worthy of respect. I found myself longing for a deeper examination of this topic, but, again, that wasn’t Johnson’s objective. And, to be sure, much ink has already been spilled about this phenomenon; Johnson wisely moves on into a deeper study of our region’s musical traditions. Johnson traverses wide and difficult terrain in his work, trying simultaneously to define folk music — Is it music whose nameless authors have been absorbed by history, their songs passed down, with lyrics constantly changing to reflect each generation’s struggles? Or is it music made by modern-day folkies whose authorship is known and, sometimes, profitable? — and to document it. It’s an arduous task, and Johnson views it all through his personal lens. He fondly remembers Gamble Rogers and “Black Hat Troubadour” Will McLean. He covers Northeast Florida’s many folk festivals large and small. And, like the music itself, he follows the lineage from artist to artist, in one case quoting Rogers, who claimed Charlie Robertson was “the best folk singer” he had ever known. There’s yodelers (The Makley Family), environmentalist songwriters (Dale Crider) and a few present-day tunesmiths (Bob Patterson and Larry Mangum; the book’s forward is written by Mangum). It’s this personal investment that makes Johnson’s book eminently readable. My few misgivings regarding North Florida Folk Music — the overuse of the exclamation point, some overzealous editorializing — are excusable, considering Johnson’s personal immersion in the scene, he himself a songwriter, guitarist and musicologist. He can’t separate himself from the people or the music, and in light of his introduction, that is perfectly OK. What we get is a wonderfully engaging history from one man’s point of view, unencumbered by the rigors of academia, but no less complete or factual. This is folk history told by a real folkie, and it’s a read any musician — or Floridian — would benefit from undertaking. John E. Citrone theknife@folioweekly.com

A&E // MUSIC PAPADOSIO, ASIAN TEACHER FACTORY Sept. 13, Freebird Live GOVINDA, BIT DEFF, VLAD THE INHALER Sept. 13, Underbelly ABK Sept. 14, Aqua SHERYL CROW Sept. 14, The Florida Theatre ASKMEIFICARE, PLANETRAWK, SAMURAI SHOTGUN Sept. 14, Jack Rabbits B-SIDE PLAYERS Sept. 16, Jack Rabbits JOEY CAPE (Lagwagon), CHRIS CRESSWELL (Flatliners), BRIAN WAHLSTROM Sept. 17, Jack Rabbits Music by the Sea: NAVY PRIDE Sept. 17, SJC Pier Park THE PRETTY RECKLESS, ADELITA’S WAY Sept. 18, Freebird Live GOLDEN PELICANS, THE MOLD, RIVERSIDE PARTY GIRLS, MOUNT THE STALLION Sept. 18, Underbelly ROOTZ UNDERGROUND, THE HIP ABDUCTION Sept. 18, 1904 Music Hall MAD CADDIES Sept. 18, Jack Rabbits TELESMA, ACID MAJIK Sept. 19, Freebird Live TORCHE, POST TEENS Sept. 19, Burro Bar GREENHOUSE LOUNGE, S.P.O.R.E. Sept. 19, 1904 Music Hall THE GET RIGHT BAND Sept. 19 & 20, The White Lion A Night of Dark Ambient: SCARED RABBITS, MONOLITH TRANSMISSIONS, SEA OF APPARATIONS, THE SEPIA RAVEN, CON RIT Sept. 20, CoRK Arts District JACK WHITE Sept. 20, T-U Center STICK FIGURE, PACIFIC DUB, HIRIE Sept. 20, Freebird Live

THE LOVE LANGUAGE, WISE RIVER and THE LIFEFORMS at 8 p.m. on Aug. 28 at Underbelly

CONCERTS THIS WEEK

BILLY BUCHANAN & FREE AVENUE 6 p.m. Aug. 27 at SJC Pier Park, St. Augustine, free, thecivicassociation.org. SAMURAI SHOTGUN, ASKMEIFICARE 8 p.m. Aug. 27 at Burro Bar, 113 E. Bay St., Downtown, $5, 353-6067. REPTAR, SWIMM 8 p.m. Aug. 27 at Underbelly, 113 E. Bay St., Downtown, $12-$15, 699-8186. SAM HUNT 6 p.m. Aug. 28 at Mavericks, 2 Independent Dr., Downtown, $10, 356-1110. LOVE LANGUAGE, WISE RIVER, MEMPHIBIANS 8 p.m. Aug. 28 at Underbelly, $, 699-8186. LONESOME BERT & THE SKINNY LIZARDS 7 p.m. Aug. 28 at Plaza de la Constitución, 48 King St., St. Augustine, free. THE SPLINTERS 9 p.m. Aug. 28 at Ragtime Tavern, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7877. BLACK KIDS, THE DOG APOLLO, TOMBOI 8 p.m. Aug. 29 at Underbelly, $13, 699-8186. SMILE EMPTY SOUL, SUPER BOB, SAINT RIDLEY 8 p.m. Aug. 29 at Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $15-$20, 398-7496. CHILLED MONKEY BRAINS, GENERAL TSO’S FURY, SUNSPOTS, THE NEW CLASSIC 8 p.m. Aug. 29 at Freebird Live, 200 N. First St., Jax Beach, $8, 246-2473. LONESTAR, NATALIE NICOLE GREEN, STEVEN FLOWERS BAND 7 p.m. Aug. 29 at The Jacksonville Landing, 2 Independent Dr., Downtown, free, 353-1188. MIDNIGHT MASSES, DELPHIC ORACLE, RUFFIANS 8 p.m. Aug. 29 at Burro Bar, $5, 353-6067. BERES HAMMOND 8 p.m. Aug. 29 at Ponte Vedra Concert Hall, 1050 A1A N., $30-$35, 209-0399. JOHN LUMPKIN & THE COVENANT 7:30 p.m. Aug. 29 at Friday Musicale, 645 Oak St., Riverside, free, 355-7584. ALIEN ANT FARM, KALEIDO, STAYNE THEE ANGEL, DEAR ABBEY, CUTTER 6:30 p.m. Aug. 30 at Aqua, 1100 Beach Blvd., Southside, $12, 997-2063. CHARM CITY DEVILS, STATE TROOPERS, STONE SENATE 8 p.m. Aug. 30 at Jack Rabbits, $10, 398-7496. OUTEREDGE, MADHAUS 8 p.m. Aug. 30 at Freebird Live, $8. MAMA BLUE, CINDY BEAR, A NICE PAIR Starts at 10:30 a.m. Aug. 30 at Riverside Arts Market, 715 Riverside Ave., free, 389-2449. TOM McDERMOTT 7 p.m. Aug. 30 at 2821 Riverside Ave., Riverside; $24.50, proceeds benefit water advocate nonprofit JumpingFish, jumpingfish.com. AUSTIN PARK 8 p.m. Aug. 30 at Jacksonville Landing, free. First Coast Music Fest: GRANDPA’S COUGH MEDICINE, WORLD GONE, PALM TREES & POWERLINES, FUSEBOX FUNK, LUCKY COSTELLO, CITY BOI, ALLELE, AMONGST THE FORGOTTEN, ASKMEIFICARE, BCG, BRENT BYRD, BRYCE ALASTAIR BAND, CHRIS WOODS, DAMNEDGED, DE LIONS OF JAH, DENIED TIL DEATH, EMMA MOSELEY BAND, EVERSAY, EVICTION, FETCH, FIRE AT PLUTO, FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT, GHBEEZIE, G MAYN FROST, THE GROOVE COALITION, HIATUS, INNUENDO, JAHMEN, KIM RETEGUIZ & the BLACK CAT BONES, LAKE DISNEY, LARRY BELLYFATE, MAMA BLUE, MINOR INFLUENCE, NINA RENAE, PARKRIDGE, PRIDELESS, PRIME TREES, PRIMITIVE HARD DRIVE, ROCK-N-ROLL CHROME, SEAN PICASSO, SLOW MOTION SUICIDE, S.P.O.R.E., STANKSAUCE, THE STATE TROOPERS, STAYNE THEE ANGEL, SUNSPOTS, TOM BENNETT BAND, URSA MINOR, YOUNG CHULO, YS FXXL Aug. 30 & 31, Underbelly, 1904 Music Hall, Burro Bar POP EVIL, ALLELE, GENERATOR 8 p.m. Aug. 31 at Freebird Live, $17. MICKEY AVALON, LEGIT 8 p.m. Aug. 31, Jack Rabbits, $15. Dance Radio Bass Bash: ANDY WARD KING, THE GOONS

OF CANTERBURY, DEEJAY COMIC, JASON COMBUSTIBLE RICKERSON, SCOTT PERRY, ALLAN GLZ-ROC OTEYZA, CRY HAVOC 5 p.m. Aug. 31 at Rain dogs, 1045 Park St., Avondale, $5, 379-4969. ROCK OF AGES LOCAL BANDS, 418 BAND 8 p.m. Aug. 31 at Jacksonville Landing, free, 353-1188. LSNS LRND, BLUNT GUTZ, DIG DEEP, USED BUTT LUBE 8 p.m. Aug. 31 at Shantytown Pub, 22 W. Sixth St., Downtown, 798-8222. THE NEIGHBORS, RATTLESNAKE MILK, THE MOLD 9 p.m. Sept. 1 at Rain dogs, 379-4969.

UPCOMING CONCERTS

Connection Festival: KERMIT RUFFINS & the BBQ SWINGERS, LESS THAN JAKE, SURFER BLOOD, WHOLE WHEAT BREAD, TREME BRASS BAND, THIS FRONTIER NEEDS HEROES, JACKIE STRANGER, WEEKEND ATLAS, NORTHE, EGO KILLER, JAH ELECT & the I QUALITY BAND, ORANGE AIR, ALEXIS RHODE, RYVLS, PROF. KILMURE, RUFFIANS, THE GOOTCH, ASKMEIFICARE, DIRTY AUTOMATIC, WOVEN IN, TOM BENNETT BAND, MONDO MIKE & the PO BOYS, ARTILECT, OSCAR MIKE, KANA KIEHM, PARKER URBAN BAND, KNOCK FOR SIX, NEVER ENDING STRUGGLE Sept. 12-14, Downtown Jacksonville 1964: THE TRIBUTE (Beatles tribute) Sept. 13, Florida Theatre J. BOOG, HOT RAIN Sept. 13, Jack Rabbits

Music by the Sea: MID-LIFE CRISIS Sept. 3, SJC Pier Park PARMALEE Sept. 4, Mavericks BLOODSHOT BILL, TIGHT GENES, RIVERSIDE PARTY GIRLS Sept. 4, Underbelly NORTHE, THE INVERTED, THE COLD START, WEEKEND ATLAS Sept. 5, Jack Rabbits MIC SKILLS FREESTYLE BATTLE Sept. 5, 1904 Music Hall DHARMA Sept. 5, Burro Bar VOCKAH REDU, VLAD the INHALER, TWINKI Sept. 5, Underbelly I-VIBES, DJ RAGGAMUFFIN Sept. 5, Freebird Live JEFF LORBER FUSION Sept. 6, Ritz Theatre PROFESSOR WHISKEY Sept. 6, Underbelly RIVERS MONROE, ANGELS for HIRE Sept. 6, Murray Hill Theatre THE GROOVE ORIENT Sept. 6, Jack Rabbits SHAWN THOMAS Sept. 6, Christ Church of Peace KIRIN RIDER, ROCKS & BLUNTS, MR. BARBEQUE, DON McCON V. BOBBY NEWPORT Sept. 6, 1904 Music Hall PSYCHOSTICK, ONE-EYED DOLL, WILD THRONE Sept. 6, Aqua Freebird Live 15th Anniversary Party: GRANDPA’S COUGH MEDICINE, CHARLIE WALKER, BONNIE BLUE, BRYCE ALASTAIR BAND, KYMYSTRY & FRYNDS, SIDEREAL, CANARY IN THE COALMINE, FLAGSHIP ROMANCE, JACKSONVEGAS, DEFY 66 Sept. 6, Freebird Live THREE DOORS DOWN ACOUSTIC Sept. 7, Florida Theatre Endless Waltz, a Kaoru Abe Commemoration: JAMISON WILLIAMS, CHARLES PAGANO, A.J. HERRING, THOMAS MILOVAC, DANA FASANO, SCOTT LEONARD LEONARD BAZAR, ZACHARY NACE BETHEL, JASON DEAN ARNOLD, MICHAEL LANIER, AG DAVIS, JAY DECOSTA PEELE, TIM ALBORO, DAN KOZAK Sept. 7, Shantytown Pub ZZ TOP, JEFF BECK Sept. 7, St. Augustine Amphitheatre BOBBY AMARU, NOLAN NEAL Sept. 7, Underbelly DIARRHEA PLANET, WOVEN IN, DILDOZER, THE COUGS Sept. 8, Underbelly MRS. SKANNOTTO Sept. 9, Jack Rabbits BYRNE & KELLY Sept. 9 & 11, Culhane’s Irish Pub BRITISH INVASION TRIBUTE SHOW Sept. 9, Burro Bar Music by the Sea: GO GET GONE Sept. 10, SJC Pier Park THE TRADITIONAL Sept. 10, Burro Bar ROADKILL GHOST CHOIR, IN TONGUES Sept. 10, Underbelly LOLIPOP CARAVAN Sept. 11, Underbelly BYRNE & KELLY Sept. 11, Culhane’s Irish Pub REND COLLECTIVE Sept. 11, Murray Hill Theatre ESE Sept. 11, Burro Bar FORTUNATE YOUTH, THE STEPPAS, ASHES OF BABYLON, EASE UP Sept. 12, Freebird Live ANGELS FOR HIRE, JONNIE MORGAN BAND Sept. 12, Jack Rabbits AMELIA ISLAND BLUES FEST: JOHN PRIMER, SAMANTHA FISH, BERNARD ALLISON, CURTIS SALGADO, BEN PRESTAGE, THE MOJO ROOTS, MATTHEW CURRY, ROGER HURRICANE WILSON Sept. 12 & 13, Main Beach, Fernandina

AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 15

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16 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014

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The Mustard Seed Cafe Located inside Nassau Health Foods, The Mustard Seed is Amelia Island’s only organic eatery and juice bar, with an extensive, eclectic menu featuring vegetarian and vegan items. Daily specials include local seafood, free-range chicken and fresh organic produce. Salads, wraps, sandwiches and soups are available — all prepared with our staff’s impeccable style. Popular items are chicken or veggie quesadillas, grilled mahi, or salmon over mixed greens and tuna melt with Swiss cheese and tomato. Open for breakfast and lunch, 8 a.m.-3 p.m. Mon.Sat. nassauhealthfoods.net

833 T.J. Courson Road 904-277-3141

Lulu’s at The Thompson House Lulu’s owners, Brian and Melanie Grimley, offer an innovative lunch menu, including po’boys, salads and seafood “little plates” served in the gardens of the historic Thompson House. Dinner features fresh local seafood (Fernandina shrimp is the focus every Thursday), and nightly specials. An extensive wine list and beer are available. Open for lunch and dinner Tue.-Sat., brunch on Sun. Reservations are recommended.

11 S. Seventh Street 904-432-8394

PLAE Restaurant & Lounge Located in the Spa & Shops at Amelia Island Plantation, PLAE serves bistro-style cuisine. The full bar lounge at PLAE has become an instant classic, with artistic décor and live entertainment nightly. Now you can PLAE during the day, too! Open for lunch Tue.-Sat. 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Open at 5:30 p.m. for dinner daily; reservations accepted.

80 Amelia Village Cir. 904-277-2132

Moon River Pizza

Cafe Karibo Homemade sandwiches, salads and soups are served in a relaxed atmosphere in this charming building in the historic district. Delicious fresh fish specials and theme nights (Pad Thai and curry), plus vegetarian dishes, are also featured. Karibrew Brew Pub & Grub — the only one on the island — offers on-site beers and great burgers and sandwiches.

27 N. Third Street 904-277-5269

29 South Eats This chic, neighborhood bistro has it all — great ambience, fantastic food, an extensive wine list and reasonable prices. The eclectic menu offers regional cuisine with a modern whimsical twist and Chef Scotty Schwartz won Best Chef in Folio Weekly’s 2007 Best of Jax readers poll. Open for lunch Tues.-Sat., 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m., for dinner 5:30-9:30 p.m. Mon.-Thur., till 10 p.m. Fri. and Sat. Brunch is 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Sun. 29southrestaurant.com.

29 S. Third Street 904-277-7919

Brett’s Waterway Café Overlooking Fernandina Harbor Marina, Brett’s offers an upscale atmosphere with outstanding food. The extensive luncheon and dinner menus feature daily specials, fresh Florida seafood, chicken and aged beef. Cocktails, beer and wine. Casual resort wear. Open at 11:30 a.m. daily.

Fernandina Harbor Marina at the foot of Centre Street 904-261-2660

T-Ray’s Burger Station

Moon River Pizza treats customers like family. Cooked in a brick oven, the pizza is custom-made by the slice (or, of course, by the pie). Set up like an Atlanta-style pizza joint, Moon River also offers an eclectic selection of wine and beers. Open for lunch and dinner Mon.-Sat. Dine in or take it with you.

T-Ray’s offers a variety of breakfast and lunch items. In addition to an outstanding breakfast menu, you’ll find some of the best burgers you’ve ever put in your mouth. The Burger Station offers a grilled portabello mushroom burger, grilled or fried chicken salad and much more. The spot where locals grab a bite and go! Now serving beer & wine. Open Mon.-Fri. 7 a.m.-2:30 p.m., Sat. 8 a.m.-1 p.m. Closed Sundays.

925 S. 14th Street 904-321-3400

202 S. Eighth Street 904-261-6310

Ciao Italian Bistro You’ll find this charming Italian Bistro located in the heart of Amelia Island’s Historic District. Whether dining indoors or outside on our covered patio, your experience will be a memorable one. Choose from a fantastic menu filled with authentic homemade Italian dishes and a wine list that will leave your palate pleased. Contact us for reservations or catering needs. Open Sun.-Thurs. at 5 p.m., Fri. and Sat. at 11:30 a.m.

302 Centre Street 904-206-4311

Sliders Seaside Grill Oceanfront dining at its finest. Award-winning crab cakes, fresh daily seafood specials and homemade desserts. Sliders has Amelia Island’s only waterfront Tiki Bar, as well as a children’s playground and live music every weekend. The dining experience is complete with brand-new second-story banquet facilities, bar and verandah. Open at 11 a.m. daily Mon.-Fri. Make Sliders Seaside Grill your place to be for friends and family, entertainment and the best food on the East Coast. Call for your next special event.

1998 S. Fletcher Ave. 904-277-6652

Jack & Diane’s

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

DEAN NAPOLITANO

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

BILLY B.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

CARMEN VALLONE

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

JERSEY

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

MIKE PALMA

The locals’ favorite hangout! Dine inside or on the patio of this cozy, renovated 1887 shotgun home in historic downtown Fernandina. From the crab & shrimp omelet to the steak & tomato pie, “The tastiest spot on Centre” offers food with attitude and unexpected flair. Live music elevates your dining experience to a new level. Come for breakfast, stay for dinner! You’ll love every bite! 708 Centre Street 904-321-1444

David’s Restaurant & Lounge Located in the Historic District, David’s is a place to have a dining experience, not just dinner. Offering the freshest seafood from around the world and serving only the finest prime aged meats. Dover sole, Chilean sea bass, soft shell crab & nightly fresh fish special. Filet Oscar, rack of lamb & and our signature 16oz grilled-to-perfection ribeye always available. Add foie gras or a Maine lobster tail to any entrée. Elegant but chic atmosphere. Bar & lounge with live music and complimentary valet parking on Fri. & Sat. nights. Private dining offered up to 12 guests in our Wine Room. Private parties up to 50. Wine Spectator rated. Lounge open 5 p.m.: open 6 p.m. for dinner, nightly. Reservations highly recommended. AmeliaIslandDavids.com

DEAN NAPOLITANO

BILLY B.

CARMEN VALLONE

JERSEY

MIKE PALMA

455 Park Avenue Orange Park, FL 904.646.0001 For Tickets/VIP Packages bestbetjax.com/entertainment

802 Ash Street 904-310-6049

Amelia Island is 13 miles of unspoiled beaches, quaint shops, antique treasures and superb dining in a 50-block historic district less than one hour north of Jacksonville 16 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 ●

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AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

do what you love

TRY A CUP OF JOE CRAFTED BY JOE.

swimwear | activewear | apparel | boards | accessories

Come find out why Lillie’s Coffee Bar is THE BEST COFFEEHOUSE AT THE BEACH! Wi-Fi • Delectable Desserts • Healthy, Delicious Cuisine • Live Music on Fri. & Sat.

10% Off

*select items with the mention of this ad

200 First St.

Neptune Beach

904.249.2922

222 Orange St. Neptune Beach 32266

lilliescoffeebar.com

16 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014

Phone: 904.372.4431 BlueWaterBoutique.com @shopbluewater

AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

DEAN NAPOLITANO

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

BILLY B.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

CARMEN VALLONE

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

JERSEY

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26TH

8:30PM-9:45PM

MIKE PALMA

DEAN NAPOLITANO

BILLY B.

CARMEN VALLONE

JERSEY

MIKE PALMA

455 Park Avenue Orange Park, FL 904.646.0001 For Tickets/VIP Packages bestbetjax.com/entertainment 16 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 ●

●

AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

do what you love swimwear | activewear | apparel | boards | accessories

10% Off

*select items with the mention of this ad

222 Orange St. Neptune Beach 32266

Phone: 904.372.4431 BlueWaterBoutique.com @shopbluewater

16 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 l

AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

do what you love swimwear | activewear | apparel | boards | accessories

10% Off

833 T.J. Courson Road 904-277-3141

11 S. Seventh Street 904-432-8394

80 Amelia Village Cir. 904-277-2132

Moon River Pizza

Homemade sandwiches, salads and soups are served in a relaxed atmosphere in this charming building in the historic district. Delicious fresh fish specials and theme nights (Pad Thai and curry), plus vegetarian dishes, are also featured. Karibrew Brew Pub & Grub — the only one on the island — offers on-site beers and great burgers and sandwiches.

27 N. Third Street 904-277-5269

29 South Eats

Overlooking Fernandina Harbor Marina, Brett’s offers an upscale atmosphere with outstanding food. The extensive luncheon and dinner menus feature daily specials, fresh Florida seafood, chicken and aged beef. Cocktails, beer and wine. Casual resort wear. Open at 11:30 a.m. daily.

Fernandina Harbor Marina at the foot of Centre Street 904-261-2660

T-Ray’s Burger Station

202 S. Eighth Street 904-261-6310

1998 S. Fletcher Ave. 904-277-6652

@shopbluewater

Brett’s Waterway Café

925 S. 14th Street 904-321-3400

302 Centre Street 904-206-4311

Phone: 904.372.4431 BlueWaterBoutique.com

29 S. Third Street 904-277-7919

You’ll find this charming Italian Bistro located in the heart of Amelia Island’s Historic District. Whether dining indoors or outside on our covered patio, your experience will be a memorable one. Choose from a fantastic menu filled with authentic homemade Italian dishes and a wine list that will leave your palate pleased. Contact us for reservations or catering needs. Open Sun.-Thurs. at 5 p.m., Fri. and Sat. at 11:30 a.m.

222 Orange St. Neptune Beach 32266

This chic, neighborhood bistro has it all — great ambience, fantastic food, an extensive wine list and reasonable prices. The eclectic menu offers regional cuisine with a modern whimsical twist and Chef Scotty Schwartz won Best Chef in Folio Weekly’s 2007 Best of Jax readers poll. Open for lunch Tues.-Sat., 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m., for dinner 5:30-9:30 p.m. Mon.-Thur., till 10 p.m. Fri. and Sat. Brunch is 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Sun. 29southrestaurant.com.

Ciao Italian Bistro

*select items with the mention of this ad

Cafe Karibo

Jack & Diane’s

802 Ash Street 904-310-6049

AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

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AUGUST 27-SEPT. 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

A&E // MUSIC HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS, THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS, NEW EMPIRE, FAMOUS LAST WORDS, THE ONGOING CONCEPT, EVERYBODY RUN, EVERSAY Sept. 21, Freebird Live Experience Hendrix: BUDDY GUY, KENNY WAYNE SHEPHERD, JONNY LANG, DOYLE BRAMHALL II, ERIC JOHNSON, CHRIS LAYTON, ZAKK WYLDE, BILLY COX Sept. 21, Florida Theatre MIKE SHACKELFORD ACOUSTIC Sept. 21, Bull Park AB AB SOUL Sept. 21, Mavericks GRITTY MUSICK, DRAZAH & TUNK, SUPER SMASH BROS, STATIC, DOC SEUSS Sept. 23, Jack Rabbits CODE ORANGE, TWITCHING TONGUES, AXIS, BLISTERED, RHYTHM OF FEAR Sept. 25, Burro Bar MEGHAN LINSEY, JORDYN STODDARD Sept. 25, Café Eleven BRONCHO, SUNBEARS! Sept. 26, Jack Rabbits GRANDPA’S COUGH MEDICINE, JACKSONVEGAS, BRYCE ALASTAIR BAND Sept. 26, Freebird Live SHAWN McDONALD Sept. 27, Murray Hill Theatre PETE BONES Sept. 27, 1904 Music Hall PETER FRAMPTON Sept. 30, The Florida Theatre DAVID GRAY Oct. 1, The Florida Theatre KEITH SWEAT, HOWARD HEWITT Oct. 3, T-U Center DJ VADIM, FORT KNOX FIVE Oct. 3, Freebird Live WIDESPREAD PANIC Oct. 5, St. Augustine Amphitheatre GOV’T MULE Oct. 9, The Florida Theatre RICHARD MARX Oct. 9, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall EARTH, WIND & FIRE Oct. 11, St. Augustine Amphitheatre THE VIBRATORS, POWERBALL Oct. 12, Jack Rabbits TREVOR HALL, CAS HALEY Oct. 12, Freebird Live EYES SET TO KILL, SCARE DON’T FEAR, LIKE MONROE, CLAUDE BOURBON Oct. 14, Mudville Music Room WILLY PORTER, BRENT BYRD Oct. 16, Café Eleven Magnolia Fest: LYLE LOVETT, BELA FLECK, JASON ISBELL, INDIGO GIRLS, DONNA THE BUFFALO, DR. JOHN, THE WAILERS, JIM LAUDERDALE, THE LEE BOYS, GRANDPA’S COUGH MEDICINE, FLAGSHIP ROMANCE, PARKER URBAN BAND, CHELSEA SADDLER Oct. 16-19, Suwannee Music Park UNDERHILL ROSE Oct. 17, Mudville Music Room DISCIPLE, PROJECT 86 Oct. 17, Murray Hill Theatre DAVID NAIL Oct. 17, Mavericks RINGO STARR & HIS ALL STARR BAND Oct. 18, Moran Theater MOTLEY CRUE, ALICE COOPER Oct. 19, Vets Memorial Arena ZIGGY MARLEY Oct. 19, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall BLOCKHEAD, ELAQUENT, MUNSHINE Oct. 19, Underbelly LOS LONELY BOYS Oct. 21, The Florida Theatre THE NTH POWER, SQUEEDLEPUSS, SAM SANDERS Oct. 21, Freebird Live AUTHORITY ZERO, PRIDELESS, KOUP DE TAT Oct. 21, Jack Rabbits THE DEVIL MAKES THREE, CAVE SINGERS Oct. 22, Freebird

JUSTIN HAYWARD Oct. 22, Florida Theatre IL SOGNO DEL MARINAIO, MEMPHIBIANS Oct. 23, Jack Rabbits ANDY McKEE Oct. 23, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall ANJELAH JOHNSON Oct. 24, The Florida Theatre FINCH, MAPS & ATLASES, WEATHERBOX Oct. 24, Freebird Live ICED EARTH, REVAMP, AMON AMARTH, SABATON, SKELETONWITCH Oct. 25, Freebird Live PAUL McCARTNEY Oct. 25, Veterans Memorial Arena BLEEDING IN STEREO, WORLD GONE, DENIED TIL DEATH, PRIMITIVE HARD DRIVE Oct. 25, Jack Rabbits MARK JOHNSON & EMORY LESTER Oct. 26, Café Eleven THE POLISH AMBASSADOR Oct. 29, Freebird Live MIKE DOUGHTY Oct. 29, Café Eleven SUPERVILLAINS, THROUGH THE ROOTS Oct. 31, Freebird Live ANGEL OLSEN, LIONLIMB Nov. 1, Jack Rabbits STEVE POLTZ, DONNY BRAZILE Nov. 1, Café Eleven NEW KINGSTON, I RESOLUTION, MYSTIC DINO & THE KIDS, DJ RAGGAMUFFIN Nov. 2, Freebird Live MELVINS Nov. 3, Jack Rabbits CASTING CROWNS Nov. 6, Veterans Memorial Arena Old City Music Fest: OLD DOMINION, JASON D. WILLIAMS Nov. 7, St. Augustine START MAKING SENSE Nov. 7, Jack Rabbits Old City Music Fest: JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS, WILL HOGE Nov. 8, St. Augustine HEART Nov. 8, St. Augustine Amphitheatre MARY CHAPIN CARPENTER, TIFT MERRITT Nov. 9, The Florida Theatre TAB BENOIT Nov. 12, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall REVEREND HORTON HEAT, GRANDPA’S COUGH MEDICINE Nov. 12, Jack Rabbits Bear Creek Music & Arts Festival: DUMPSTAPHUNK, UMPHREY’S McGEE, ST. PAUL & THE BROKEN BONES, OTEIL BURBRIDGE, ZACH DEPUTY, MINGO FISHTRAP, THE FRITZ, CATFISH ALLIANCE Nov. 13-16, Suwannee Music Park ROD PICOTT Nov. 13, Mudville Music Room TRIBAL SEEDS, BALLYHOO, GONZO WITH BEYOND I SIGHT Nov. 13, Freebird Live O.A.R. Nov. 14, St. Augustine Amphitheatre MATTHEW & GUNNAR NELSON Nov. 14, P.V. Concert Hall DIRTY HEADS, ROME Nov. 14, Mavericks THE CURT TOWNE BAND, FIREROAD Nov. 14, Freebird Live JAMES TAYLOR & HIS ALL-STAR BAND: LOU MARINI, WALT FOWLER, LARRY GOLDINGS, LUIS CONTE, STEVE GADD, ANDREA ZONN, KATE MARKOWITZ, ARNOLD McCULLER, DAVID LASLEY, JIMMY JOHNSON, MICHAEL LANDAU Nov. 19, Veterans Memorial Arena RELIENT K, BLONDFIRE, FROM INDIAN LAKES Nov. 24, Freebird Live

UNDERBELLY WEDNESDAY | AUGUST 27 Reptar / Swimm / New Madrid

THURSDAY | AUGUST 28 Love Language

Black Kids with The Dog Apollo & Tomboi

First Coast Music Fest

WEDNESDAY | SEPTEMBER 3 Artwalk feat. Grandpa’s Cough Medicine

CLUBS AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA BEACH

DAVID’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE, 802 Ash St., 310-6049 John Springer Tue.-Wed. Aaron Bing 6 p.m. every Fri. & Sat. GREEN TURTLE, 14 S. Third St., 321-2324 Buck Smith every Thur.Yancy Clegg every Sun. Vinyl Record Nite every Tue. HAMMERHEADS, 2045 S. Fletcher Ave., 491-7783 DJ Refresh 9 p.m. 1 a.m. every Sun. THE SURF, 3199 S. Fletcher Ave., 491-8999 Brent Byrd Aug. 28

AVONDALE, ORTEGA

CASBAH CAFE, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966 Goliath Flores 9 p.m. every Wed. Live jazz every Sun. Live music every Mon. ECLIPSE, 4219 St. Johns Ave. KJ Free 9 p.m. Tue. & Thur. Indie dance 9 p.m. Wed. ’80s & ’90s dance 9 p.m. Fri. Music every Sat. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 3611 St. Johns Ave., 388-0200 Mark O’Quinn Aug. 28. Herd of Watts Aug. 29. Yankee Slickers Aug. 30

BEACHES

(All venues in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted) BILLY’S BOATHOUSE, 2321 Beach Blvd., 241-9771 Don Miniard 5:30 p.m. Aug. 28. Small Fish Aug. 30 CASA MARINA HOTEL, 691 First St. N., 270-0025 Charlie Walker 2 p.m. Aug. 31 CULHANE’S IRISH PUB, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595 Irish music 6:30 p.m. every Sun. FLYING IGUANA, 207 Atlantic Blvd., NB, 853-5680 Black Cat Bones 10 p.m. Aug. 29 & 30. Darren Corlew 8:30 p.m. Aug. 31. Live music every Fri. & Sat. Red Beard & Stinky E at 10 p.m. every Thur. FREEBIRD LIVE, 200 N. First St., 246-2473 Chilled Monkey Brains, General Tso’s Fury, Sunspots, The New Classic Aug. 29. OuterEdge, Madhaus Aug. 30. Pope Evil, Allele, Generator Aug. 31. I-Vibes, DJ Raggamuffin Sept. 5 HARMONIOUS MONKS, 320 First St. N., 372-0815 Live music 9 p.m. every Fri. & Sat. Dan Evans, Spade McQuade 6 p.m. every Sun. Back From the Brink 9 p.m. every Mon. LILLIE’S COFFEE BAR, 200 First St., NB, 249-2922 Live music every Fri. & Sat. LYNCH’S IRISH PUB, 514 N. First St., 249-5181 Dirty Pete every Wed. Live music every Fri. & Sat. Who Rescued Who every Sun. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1018 N. Third St., 246-1500 Jazz Aug. 27. Herd of Watts Aug. 28. Barrett Jockers Aug. 29. Ouija Brothers Aug. 30 OF BENEFIT SUPPORT MEZZA RESTAURANT & BAR, 110 First St., NB, 249-5573 Neil Dixon 6 p.m. Tue. Gypsies Ginger 6 p.m. every Wed. Mike Shackelford & Steve Shanholtzer 6 p.m. every Thur. NIPPERS BEACH GRILLE, 2309 Beach Blvd., 247-3300

PROMISE

THURSDAY | SEPTEMBER 4 Bloodshot Bill

FRIDAY | SEPTEMBER 5 Vockah Redu

SATURDAY | SEPTEMBER 6 Professor Whiskey

MONDAY | SEPTEMBER 8 Diarrhea Planet

WEDNESDAY | SEPTEMBER 10 Roadkill Ghost Choir w/ Guests In Tongues LP Release Party

THURSDAY | SEPTEMBER 11 Lilipop Caravan 113 EAST BAY STREET | JACKSONVILLE,FL 32202 UNDERBELLYLIVE.COM

18 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014

For questions, plea

FRIDAY | AUGUST 29

SAT & SUN | AUGUST 30 & 31

AARON CARTER Nov. 25, Jack Rabbits DIANA KRALL Dec. 9, Jacoby Symphony Hall PIERCE PETTIS Dec. 11, Mudville Music Room WYNONNA & THE BIG NOISE Dec. 14, The Florida Theatre JOE BONAMASSA Dec. 17, The Florida Theatre BOWSER & THE STINGRAYS, HERMAN’S HERMITS & PETER NOONE, GARY PUCKETT & THE UNION GAP Dec. 18, The Florida Theatre BAD SANTA, GRANT PEEPLES Dec. 18, Mudville Music Room DON WILLIAMS Jan. 7, Florida Theatre ’70s Soul Jam: THE SPINNERS, THE STYLISTICS, THE MAIN INGREDIENT Jan. 8, Florida Theatre THE BOTH (AIMEE MANN, TED LEO) Jan. 16, P.V. Concert Hall ARLO GUTHRIE Jan. 20, The Florida Theatre KATHLEEN MADIGAN Jan. 22, The Florida Theatre URSAMINOR, SURVIVING SEPTEMBER, THE HEALING PROCESS, NOCTURNAL STATE OF MIND Jan. 31, Freebird Live TIME JUMPERS & VINCE GILL Feb. 7, The Florida Theatre JOHN HAMMOND Feb. 20, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall MARCUS ROBERTS TRIO Feb. 20, The Florida Theatre STRINGFEVER March 5, Café Eleven THREE DOG NIGHT March 10, Florida Theatre

JAX BEACH

SUNDAY OPEN AT 11 AM Dan Evans & Spade McQuade 6-9 pm MONDAY OPEN AT 11 AM Back from the Brink 9 pm TUESDAY OPEN AT 11 AM Kids night activities 6-8 • $5 kids meal ( under 12) Karaoke 9 pm WEDNESDAY OPEN AT 11 AM Ladies Night 2-4-1 • 7 PM - 11 PM THURSDAY OPEN AT 11 AM Trivia Night • Poker Night FRIDAY-SATURDAY Live Local Music 9 pm-2am ••• “Home of the World’s Most Talented Wait Staff” Dinner & Show

ASK FO

A&E // MUSIC Domenic Aug. 27. Aaron Koerner Aug. 29. Derrick Ace Jefferson Aug. 30 NORTH BEACH BISTRO, 725 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 372-4105 The Crazy Daysies Aug. 29. Maryann Hawkins Aug. 30. RAGTIME TAVERN, 207 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 241-7877 Richard Smith Aug. 27. The Splinters Aug. 28. Bay Street Band Aug. 29 & 30. The River City Blues Band Aug. 31. Live music every Thur.-Sun. WIPEOUTS GRILL, 1589 Atlantic Blvd., NB, 247-4508 Mike Lyons 7:30 p.m. Aug. 28. Amy Vickery 9:30 p.m. Aug. 29

DOWNTOWN

1904 MUSIC HALL, 19 Ocean St. N. First Coast Music Fest: Lucky Costello, S.P.O.R.E., Stank Sauce, Sunspots, Hiatus, Lake Disney, Doc & Dro, City Boi, G Mayn Frost, Askmeificare, Nina Renae Music, Moby Clique, Tsujino Aug 30. First Coast Music Fest: Stayne Thee Angel, Primitive Hard Drive, Eviction, Fire at Pluto, Viktr, Amongst the Forgotten, Innuendo, Slow Motion Suicide Aug. 31. Open mic jam every Mon. BURRO BAR, 100 E. Adams St., 353-4686 Samurai Shotgun, Askmeificare 8 p.m. Aug. 27. Midnight Masses, Delphic Oracle, Ruffians Aug. 29. First Coast Music Fest: Urban Champ, Too Phucks, FFJBMusic Team, Legit, Young Chulo, Black Chain Gang, Cheech Forreign, Sean Picasso, Official Larry Bellyfate, Pinky Killa, Caution, Twinki, Blueprint Ent, YS FXXL, The Goons of Cantebury Aug. 30. First Coast Music Fest: Palm Trees & Power Lines, EverSay, Parkridge, Minor Influence, Prideless, Ursa Minor, Glazed, The State Troopers Aug. 31 FIONN MacCOOL’S, Jax Landing, Ste. 176, 374-1247 Spade McQuade 6 p.m. Aug. 27. Brett Foster Duo 8 p.m. Aug. 29. Chuck Nash Duo 8 p.m. Aug. 30. Live music every Fri. & Sat. JACKSONVILLE LANDING, 2 Independent Dr., 353-1188 Lonestar, Natalie Nicole Green, Steven Flowers Band 7 p.m. Aug. 29. Austin Park 8 p.m. Aug. 30. Rock of Ages local bands 5 p.m., 418 Band 8 p.m. Aug. 31 MARK’S DOWNTOWN, 315 E. Bay St., 355-5099 DJ Roy Luis every Wed. DJ Vinn Thur. DJ 007 every Fri. Bay Street every Sat. MAVERICKS, Jax Landing, 2 Independent Dr., 356-1110 Sam Hunt 6 p.m. Aug. 28. DJ Silver Aug. 30. Joe Buck, Big Tasty every Thur.-Sat. SHANTYTOWN PUB, 22 W. Sixth St., 798-8222 LSNS LRND, Blunt Gutz, Dig Deep 8 p.m. Aug. 31 UNDERBELLY, 113 E. Bay St., 699-8186 Reptar, Swimm 8 p.m. Aug. 27. Love Language, Wise River, Life Forms Aug. 28. Black Kids, The Dog Apollo, Tomboi Aug. 29. First Coast Music Fest: Fusebox Funk, Mama Blue, Jahmen, De Lions of Jah, Emma Moseley Band, Rock & Roll Chrome, Rock the Love Tour, Kim Reteguiz & the Black Cat Bones Aug. 30. First Coast Music Fest: Grandpa’s Cough Medicine, Bryce Alastair Band, Brent Byrd, Tom Bennett Band, Rusty Shine, Chris Woods, Fetch, Round Table Improv Aug. 31

ORANGE PARK, MIDDLEBURG

THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells, 272-5959 John Michael Wed.-Sat. PREVATT’S SPORTS BAR, 2620 Blanding Blvd., 282-1564 DJ Tammy 9 p.m. every Wed. THE ROADHOUSE, 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611 Ginormous J 10 p.m. Aug. 29. WhiskeyMoon String Band 10 p.m. Aug. 30. DJ Corey B every Wed. Live music every Fri. & Sat.

PONTE VEDRA, PALM VALLEY

PUSSER’S GRILLE, 816 A1A N., 280-7766 Jason Ivey Aug. 28. Mark O’Quinn Aug. 29. Stephen Carey Aug. 30. Catoe White Aug. 31 TABLE 1, 330 A1A N., Ste. 208, 280-5515 Savanna Leigh Bassett Aug. 27. Gary Starling Jazz Band 7:30 p.m. Aug. 28. Paxton & Mike 7:30 p.m. Aug. 29. Cody Nix Aug. 30. Malibu Brothers Sept. 3

RIVERSIDE, WESTSIDE

MURRAY HILL THEATRE, 932 Edgewood Ave. S., 388-7807 CLC & More 8 p.m. Aug. 29 rain dogs., 1045 Park St., 379-4969 Dance Radio Bass Bash: Andy Ward King, Goons of Canterbury, Deejay Comic, Jason Combustible Rickerson, Scott Perry, Allan Glz-Roc Oteyza, Cry Havoc 5 p.m. Aug. 31. The Neighbors, Rattlesnake Milk, The Mold Sept. 1 RIVERSIDE ARTS MARKET, 715 Riverside Ave., 389-2449 Mama Blue, Cindy Bear, A Nice Pair, starts 10:30 a.m. Aug. 30

334-2122 Alien Ant Farm, Kaleido, Stayne Thee Angel, Dear Abbey, Cutter 6:30 p.m. Aug. 30 COMEDY CLUB, 11000 Beach Blvd., Ste. 8, 646-4277 Fascinating Rhythm Orchestra 7 p.m. 1st & 3rd Wed. COPPER TAP HOUSE, 13500 Beach Blvd., 647-6595 Live music 9 p.m. every Fri. & Sat. LATITUDE 360, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555 VJ Didactic 9 p.m. Aug. 28. VJ Kevin Tos 8 p.m., Trae Pierce & the Stone Band 9 p.m. Aug. 29 & 30 VJ Fellin 9 p.m. Aug. 31 MELLOW MUSHROOM, 9734 Deer Lake Ct., Ste. 1, 997-1955 Charlie Walker Aug. 28. Barrett Jockers Aug. 30 MY PLACE BAR & GRILL, 9550 Baymeadows, 737-5299 Aaron Sheeks Aug. 27. Dirty Pete Aug. 28. Chuck Nash Band Aug. 29 WILD WING CAFE, 4555 Southside Blvd., 998-9464 Chris Brinkley Aug. 27. Kurt Lanham, Yankee Slickers Aug. 28 WORLD OF BEER, 9700 Deer Lake Ct., Ste. 1, 551-5929 DiCarlo Thompson Aug. 28. Be Easy Aug. 29. Chilly Rhino Aug. 30

SPRINGFIELD, NORTHSIDE

SANDOLLAR, 9716 Heckscher Dr., 251-2449 Blistur Aug. 31 THREE LAYERS COFFEEHOUSE, 1602 Walnut St., 355-9791 Open mic Aug. 28. Shawndrell Aug. 29

ST. AUGUSTINE

ANN O’MALLEY’S, 23 Orange St., 825-4040 Rowan the Wanderer Aug. 29 MILL TOP TAVERN & LISTENING ROOM, 19-1/2 St. George St., 829-2329 Decoy Aug. 29 & 30 TEMPO, 16 Cathedral Place, 342-0286 Live music Fri. & Sat. TRADEWINDS, 124 Charlotte St., 829-9336 Lisa & the Madhatters at 9 p.m. Aug. 29 & 30. Matanzas every Sun.-Thur. Elizabeth Roth at 1 p.m. every Sat.

SAN MARCO, SOUTHBANK

JACK RABBITS, 1528 Hendricks Ave., 398-7496 Smile Empty Soul, Super Bob, Saint Ridley, Bridge to Grace Aug. 29. Charm City Devils, State Troopers, Stone Senate Aug. 30. Mickey Avalon, Legit Aug. 31. Northe, The Inverted, The Cold Start, Weekend Atlas Sept. 5 MUDVILLE MUSIC ROOM, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., 352-7008 Songwriters Contest 7:30 p.m. Sept. 2

SOUTHSIDE, BAYMEADOWS

AQUA NIGHTCLUB & LOUNGE, 11000 Beach Blvd., Ste. 21,

FLEMING ISLAND

MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1800 Town Center Blvd., 541-1999 Jay DeCosta 9 p.m. Aug. 28. Megan Dimond 9 p.m. Aug. 29. Ivey West Band 9 p.m. Aug. 30. John Earle 3 p.m. Aug. 31 WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198 Ace Winn Aug. 29. Shotgun Redd 9:30 p.m. Aug. 29 & 30. Create the Monster Aug. 31. Open mic 9 p.m. every Thur. Deck music at 5 p.m. every Fri. & Sat., 4:30 p.m. Sun.

INTRACOASTAL WEST

CLIFF’S BAR & GRILL, 3033 Monument Rd., Ste. 2, 645-5162 The Remedy Aug. 27. White Rhino Aug. 29. Home Grown Aug. 30. DJ Big Rob every Thur., Sun. & Tue. YOUR PLACE, 13245 Atlantic, 221-9994 Clayton Bush Aug. 27

MANDARIN, JULINGTON

HARMONIOUS MONKS, 10550 Old St. Augustine Rd., 8803040 Retro Kats Aug. 31. Open mic: Synergy 8 p.m. every Wed. World’s Most Talented Waitstaff 9 p.m. every Fri.

AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 19

A&E // MOVIES

AN ISLAND UNTO ITSELF

Beautiful cinematography isn’t enough to save this indie about male friendship in the twilight years

on lending them his credit card to buy clothes ook, I wanted to give Land Ho! a chance. I really did. Sure, it looked like just another after their bags get lost, then gets upset when the clothes the women buy aren’t sufficiently movie obsessed with the lives and choices form-fitting. He makes gross objectifying of straight white men — clearly a storyline comment after gross objectifying comment that has never been explored in Hollywood! — and remember, Ellen is his relative. And it — but the trailer seemed like it might have keeps on going, with Mitch trying to convince something interesting to say about friendship Colin that the young Janet is interested in in our later years. him, Mitch describing women’s asses in yoga And, to be fair, Land Ho! does have some pants far too graphically, Mitch making a list positive attributes. It’s a visually appealing film, with solid cinematography that gets a big of female celebrities’ best body parts. The audience is meant to understand how boost from the gorgeous, highly photogenic gross this is — Ellen and Janet are visibly geographical features of Iceland. The story uncomfortable whenever follows boisterous surgeon Mitch says anything Mitch (Earl Lynn Nelson) about their bodies — but as he strong-arms his exLAND HO! it feels like nothing more brother-in-law Colin (Paul **@@ than a lazy way to make Eenhoorn) into going with Rated R • Opens Aug. 29 Mitch complicated. It’s as him on a trip to Iceland, though the writers wrote a claiming that the excursion character sketch of a weed-smoking, outgoing will boost Colin’s spirits in light of his recent mature man who’s just retired and who split from his second wife. The dialogue feels doesn’t speak to his family — and then said, genuine, and there are a few genuinely funny “Oh hell, he should probably have some flaws scenes, including one in which a very drunk ... let’s make him a chauvinist pig!” young bar-goer introduces Mitch and Colin Colin is at least sympathetic, and both to glowsticks. lead actors do their best to play the characters But any goodwill I harbored toward the well. But they don’t have much to work with, movie died as soon as Mitch started talking given how shallowly their characters are about women. There’s a hint at what his conceptualized in the script. attitude is from the beginning, when Mitch describes some of Iceland’s positive attributes: And again, the Iceland scenery shots “The hot springs, the juicy, fantastic lobsters, are gorgeous — but if I want to appreciate and the gorgeous broads.” Sure, some casual the scenery, I’ll watch an Icelandic nature objectification and sexism might be expected documentary. And if I want to get a dose of from an old white dude, but it gets downright sexist BS, I’ll just go to the bar and field lewd uncomfortable when Colin and Mitch meet comments from drunk old men there. At least up with Mitch’s 20-something first-cousinthere I might be able to get a free drink out of it. once-removed, Ellen (Karrie Crouse), and her Anna Walsh friend Janet (Elizabeth McKee). Mitch insists mail@folioweekly.com

20 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014

A&E // MOVIES

I AIN’T AFRAID O’ NO-STALGIA Y Ghostbusters turns 30, and we feel old

ou’re forgiven in advance if you roll your an era of non-stop pre-release movie coverage eyes at the blatant pandering to nostalgia what it was like to watch a blockbuster come that is to follow. It is the very nature of out of nowhere. Yes, Bill Murray was already nostalgia to feel rich and relevant to those who something of an established comedy star after are cohorts — generationally or otherwise SNL, Caddyshack and Stripes, and yes, it was a — while it looks merely self-indulgent and movie with some nifty special effects. But the irrelevant to those who are not. I was there summer of 1984 was supposed to be about an when my parents’ generation American Graffiti’d Indiana Jones sequel and a Star Trek sequel. We and Happy Days’d and Big Chill’d itself toward a didn’t know it would be a year that the gravity conviction that its formative youth experience of a comedy star pulled in audiences — the last was the formative youth experience. You’d think year, in fact, where the top two box-office hits I’d have learned a thing or two. (Ghostbusters and Beverly Hills Cop) were both But age does things to our relationship live-action comedies. with memory, and as Ghostbusters rolls into I’d be lying if I said that Ghostbusters in theaters this weekend for a one-week-only 30th particular was a defining moment of that anniversary re-release, it’s hard for me to not movie year. Since it wasn’t showing in the wax rhapsodic about the cinematic summer theater where I worked, I saw Ghostbusters only of 1984. In a practical sense, it’s the reason I’m a couple of times, as opposed to the dozens writing about movies at all. of times I made my way into the back of the You see, 1984 was the year I got my first theater during The Karate Kid to watch an real job, at a six-screen multiplex, just before audience erupt during the climactic “crane kick,” the end of my junior year of high school. I or caught certain key moments of Beverly Hills didn’t choose to work in a theater because I was Cop that left the crowd breathless with laughter. already intensely into movies, like several of Even so, I might still find it hard to resist my co-workers; it was catching Ghostbusters just one of those jobs a in a theater during 17-year-old who needed this limited run, GHOSTBUSTERS to work around a school because on some level Rated PG • In theaters Aug. 28-Sept. 4 schedule could get, I feel certain it’s going and it was better than to take me back to working at McDonald’s. 1984. That was when I knew when I was hired that free movies I discovered not just a love of movies, but a at the theater were among the fringe benefits; love of going to the movies — sharing in that I did not know that we had a reciprocal uniquely transporting communal experience agreement with the other two main first-run of laughter, fear, anticipation, surprise, awe. theaters in town, which totaled eight additional I’m not nostalgic for my youth so much as I am screens among them. That meant, in effect, I nostalgic for what seems like a different way could see every movie that opened nationally of watching movies — undistracted by phones between April 1984 and June 1985 … for free. and other annoying electronic devices their So I did — and like the obsessive teenager I owners insist upon tip-tapping away on during was, I started logging them on 3x5 index cards the movie, unswayed by a year or more of (note to confused youngsters: There was a time rumors, casting news and trailers. when people stored information in written Of course, that’s the “things were better form. I know, right?) and eventually wrote when I was a kid” trap all nostalgia sells us. reviews for my high-school newspaper. Maybe it’s enough to remember fondly, and to acknowledge that it’s foolish to expect a Not only did I see virtually every movie similar feeling to arise in anyone for whom a that ran in that time span, I almost always saw certain song, a certain place or a certain movie them on opening weekend, generally with a wasn’t part of a defining experience. Whatever group of my co-workers. And so it was that may irritate me about the state of moviewe slipped into a matinee of Ghostbusters on going in 2014, on this weekend I can watch Sunday, June 10, at one of the theaters where I Ghostbusters like it’s 1984, when it all felt new. didn’t work — and watched it proceed to blow the roof off the place. Scott Renshaw It’s hard to convey to those growing up in mail@folioweekly.com AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 21

A&E // MOVIES

MAGIC LANTERNS

STROKE OF GENIUS A university colleague complained to me last year about her frustration when trying to show a movie to her humanities class. The film was The Swimmer, a 1968 feature based on a famous short story by John Cheever, with Burt Lancaster as the title character. My friend’s problem was that the movie was only available with online streaming, resulting in less-than-ideal picture quality for the classroom. Since so much of the movie’s appeal (or that of any good film, for that matter) depends on how it looks, her disappointment was understandable. Now, however, The Swimmer has finally surfaced in a Blu-ray/DVD combo pack that does justice to this nearly forgotten classic. Winner of the 1978 Pulitzer Prize for Collected Stories, Cheever is today regarded as one of the masters of the genre, and The Swimmer may be his most famous. Originally published in The New Yorker in 1964, the short fable details the day-long odyssey of Ned Merrill, a wellto-do New England suburbanite, to swim his way home by way of his neighbors’ pools. For middle-aged Ned, however, nothing and no one are what they seem (or once seemed to be) as his surreal journey of self-discovery takes him to an unexpected conclusion. Written and directed by Eleanor and Frank Perry, respectively, the film version of The Swimmer was a risky undertaking from the get-go. The Perrys were a fairly hot team on the basis of their first film David and Lisa four years earlier, even though its follow-up, Ladybug Ladybug, proved disappointing. Neither had ever worked with a star of Lancaster’s prominence, however, and the source material — a minimalist 12-page story — was sketchy in audience appeal. Despite these issues — fleshed out in detail on the terrific new two-and-a-half hour documentary accompanying the Blu-ray and DVD — The Swimmer proved to be a worthy realization of Cheever’s provocative story. Burt Lancaster, at age 52, plays the entire film in a blue swimsuit, prompting one reviewer to award him “the grand prize for the most physically fit 52-year-old American male.” And there’s so much more to Lancaster’s performance than physical fitness. In fact, it’s Ned Merrill’s vulnerability to the elements — physical and moral — that’s the real focus here. Ultimately, Ned is lost in time and place, but most utterly in his own self-conception. As he goes from place to place, from one acquaintance to another and eventually to a former lover, his illusions begin to dissipate along with the waning day, from bright sunlight to a chilling downpour. Cheever’s story would’ve made a terrific Twilight Zone episode, but Eleanor Perry’s screenplay keeps it more rooted in Ned’s confusion rather than a crumbling reality itself. Still, there’s enough of a surreal touch that many early viewers were put off by it, confused by the presence of a major action star like Lancaster (his previous two films were The Professionals and The Hallelujah Trail) in such an odd role. The Swimmer is now regarded as one of the great movies of the ’60s, and Lancaster’s performance as one of the very best in his long, impressive career. Final superlative: Neither the film nor the star has ever looked better than in this stellar Blu-ray/DVD presentation. Pat McLeod mail@folioweekly.com

**** ***@ **@@ *@@@

FILM RATINGS

JAMES BOND REMINGTON STEELE STU (MRS. DOUBTFIRE) JULIAN NOBLE

SCREENING AROUND TOWN

SUMMER MOVIE CLASSICS The annual series concludes with a celebration of the 50th anniversary of Goldfinger, starring Sean Connery, Harold Sakata (as Oddjob) and Honor Blackman. Ian Fleming gave Blackman’s character the most memorable name of all the Bond Girls – Pussy Galore. The 1964 classic screens at 2 p.m. Aug. 31 at The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, $7.50, 355-2787, floridatheatre.com. SUN-RAY CINEMA Guardians of the Galaxy and Boyhood continue, running through Aug. 28, at Sun-Ray Cinema, 1028 Park St., 5 Points, 359-0049, sunraycinema.com. Ghostbusters starts Aug. 28. Land Ho! and Life After Beth start Aug. 29. Frank and The One I Love start Sept. 5. LATITUDE 360 MOVIES The Amazing Spider-Man 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past and How to Train Your Dragon 2 are currently screening at Latitude 360’s CineGrille Theater, 10370 Philips Hwy., Southside, 365-5555. WGHF IMAX THEATER Guardians of the Galaxy, Island of Lemurs: Madagascar 3D, D-Day: Normandy 1944, Journey to the South Pacific: An IMAX 3D Experience, Jerusalem and We The People are currently screening at World Golf Village Hall of Fame IMAX Theater, 1 World Golf Place, St. Augustine, 940-4133, worldgolfimax.com. Forrest Gump starts Sept. 5.

NOW SHOWING

AS ABOVE, SO BELOW Rated R Proving that the phrase “M. Night Shyamalan protégé” can be more than an onscreen title in a Key & Peele sketch, director John Erick Dowdle (2010’s Devil) trains his camera on the catacombs beneath Paris, where the buried remains of millions of people give rise to unspeakable evil. Not to be confused with 2007’s Catacombs, which trained its camera on the catacombs beneath Paris to show that the buried remains of millions of people had given rise to unspeakable evil. That one was made by some nobody, not the chosen inheritor to the mantle of Lady in the Water. Seriously, it’s like Hollywood had a Sorting Hat for hacks or something. — Steve Schneider BOYHOOD ***@ Rated R Director Richard Linklater, in a single film, has upstaged filmmakers who have tried to capture the passage of time and the aging of actors. Linklater simply watched and waited – and filmed – over a span of 12 years. Boyhood, a film focused on the life of a seemingly average boy, was cast when the boy (played by Ellar Coltrane) was just 6 years old. Linklater also cast his own young daughter, Lorelei, as the boy’s older sister, and Patricia Arquette as the boy’s mother. The boy’s father is played by Ethan Hawke, an actor who collaborated with Linklater on the Before series, another project involving the passing of real time. The trilogy (Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight) started filming in the early ’90s and focused on the development of a couple’s relationship over the course of two decades. Like Boyhood, its stars actually age in real time; the films are set nine years apart. Now Linklater has compressed real time into a single film. He captures the maturation of his screenplay’s characters, and the real aging of real people, creating a fascinating fi lm and, at the same time, conducting a unique and noble experiment – even crossing the line from fiction into unintended documentary. This film’s concept may be great, but the finished product falls short of greatness. — Cameron Meier CALVARY Rated R Reteaming with Brendan Gleeson, the star of his 2011 comedy The Guard, writer-director John Michael McDonagh portrays the drama that unfolds after a priest is threatened during confession. With a screening two days before opening, we can’t tell you exactly what kind of drama, but it’s probably similar to what Sean Hannity dreams of doing to the Pope. Costars Chris O’Dowd and Kelly Reilly. — S.S. DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES Rated PG-13 For a while there, it looked as if Jonah Hill was going to be this summer’s winner of Saying Stupid Shit In Public. But then Gary Oldman unloaded to Playboy about the unendurable oppression of being unable to call a fag a fag and a Jew a Jew, and we had a new front-runner in the Emergency Hairshirt Olympics – and an answer to the

22 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014

Titular character Frank (maybe) never takes off his giant head in Frank, a comedy about a band trying to make it big, opening on Sept. 5 at Sun-Ray Cinema. question “What could possibly keep a Rob Ford apology off the front page?” Meanwhile, the apology I want to hear from Oldman is for mentioning David Bowie in the same breath as Charles Flippin’ Krauthammer when the question was “Who speaks the truth in this culture, in your opinion?” Fox is hoping all the fags and Jews out there are sufficiently swayed by Oldman’s penance that they’ll still go see the second installment in their grand quest to reboot aspects of the original Apes franchise nobody gave an especial shit about. Here, Oldman is in a band of human relics trying to stay alive in a world ruled by filthy primates. Geez, what would a Krauthammer reader know about that? — S.S. EARTH TO ECHO Rated PG If you’re ever worried that something you say or do might piss off Steven Spielberg – and yes, I know that’s probably a likelier element of my life than yours – remember his lawyers apparently couldn’t do anything to stop this family sci-fi adventure in which a bunch of concerned kids try to help a stranded alien find his way home. Wait, I’m not finished! The poster shows a human kid’s finger reaching toward the alien in a gesture of healing friendship, the scene bathed in a serene blue light. Jesus, all that Jurassic money, and his people can’t even get off a good cease-anddesist? The IMDb trogs think it’s ripped off from Spielberg’s Super 8 instead. Maybe there’s a legal loophole when you bite two of a guy’s properties at once? — S.S. THE EXPENDABLES 3 Rated PG-13 You know exactly what sort of demographic a movie is going for when it augments its regular cast of geriatric mercs with a “new generation of badasses” that includes Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Kelsey Grammer, Wesley Snipes and Antonio Banderas. Hey, some of those guys didn’t even have their AARP card when Clinton was president! Not that they’d want to remember those years anyway, since the Expendables franchise continues to exist mostly to provide steady employment for the right-wing pariahs who can’t get work anywhere else in Hollywood – if you believe Gary Oldman. (Do not believe Gary Oldman – Ed.) Come to think of it, Oldman would make a great addition to the cast next time, along with Gary Sinise, John Malkovich and every other poor, persecuted Rethug you hear from regularly, mostly in interviews where they’re complaining that you never hear from them. Expendables 4: War on Christmas, arriving just in time for Ramadan. — S.S. GET ON UP Rated PG-13 If Hollywood believes two things, it’s that black folks don’t go to comic-book movies and white folks don’t go to movies about black folks. All of which explains why this James Brown biopic is the sacrifi cial lamb that’s been scheduled against Disney/Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy. In real life, it’s going to be my white music-snob friends filling in my black nerd buddies as to how well Chadwick Boseman did as the King of Soul, and if they should give this flick a look when it’s on Starz four months from now. Heck, we might even invite them over to watch it – especially if Charlie Crist

wins and we get to feeling really liberal! — S.S. THE GIVER Rated PG-13 Here’s one to dither over on Throwback Thursday: Plans to turn the dystopian YA hit The Giver into a movie were first hatched way back in 1994. Not only did half the Expendables still have a sperm count back then, but Richard Linklater had just begun to grow Ellar Coltrane in a petri dish! Now the wait is over, and we can see what kind of work Walden Media has done in adapting Lois Lowry’s oh-so-subtle tale of a conformist society living under the edict of “The Sameness.” Personally, I thought the kids in The Wackness seemed to be having a better time, but I question how committed to “youth concerns” this movie is anyway, since lead character Jonas was 12 in the book but is played onscreen by 25-year-old Brenton Thwaites. Then again, everybody in the source novel of Logan’s Run died at 21 instead of 30, and Michael York gotta eat. — S.S. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY Rated PG-13 As I write this, the San Diego Comic-Con is just getting under way, and I’m bracing myself for all sorts of P.R. fog about the future of comics on film, and how DC Entertainment is going to start giving Marvel Studios a run for its money any minute now. So as a reality check, let me just point this out: “Winning” is when you can wring the most anticipated movie of the summer out of a property so obscure even the editors of The Comic Book Price Guide have to look it up. By Christmas, Rocket Raccoon may be firmly entrenched as a star of the Disney-acquisition firmament, making “possible Star Wars crossover” the hot ridiculous rumor du jour. Meanwhile, DC’s entire release slate for the next fi ve years will have shifted three more times, just because Olaf the Snowman blew on it really hard. God, how I love a photo fi nish. — S.S. HERCULES Rated PG-13 Having douche auteur Brett Ratner direct Dwayne Johnson is the kind of collaboration cineplex hecklers dream of. Better still, their take on the Hercules myth (excuse me, I mean “graphic novel”) jumps on the grim-’n’-gritty bandwagon by promising no supernatural story elements will be included – just the emotional turmoil of a strongman well past his prime, reduced to profiting off his inspiring past. Fun fact: When Hercules completed his 12 labors, he was “dead broke.” — S.S. THE HUNDRED-FOOT JOURNEY Rated PG Boy, there’s nobody better equipped to capitalize on the foodie phenomenon than Lasse Hallstrom, who has for decades been championing the feasibility of solving all of life’s conflicts by shoving stuff in your mouth. (From Chocolat to What’s Eating Gilbert Grape to The Cider House Rules to Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, the guy can’t even make a picture without mentioning food in the title. Talk about obsessed!) In Hallstrom’s latest, restaurateur Helen Mirren’s hostility toward a new rival (the great actor Om

A&E // MOVIES Puri) is overcome by the power of his entrées, which are just too damn good for anybody to remember what they were supposed to be fighting about. Fun related fact: In real life, obesity causes 300,000 deaths per year. — S.S. IF I STAY **@@ Rated PG-13 Oh, goodie; more mortality porn. Chloe Grace Moretz gets plunged into a coma and has one day’s worth of out-ofbody fl itting around family and friends to decide if she wants to rejoin the land of the living. (Hey, do you think she knows how Mad Men turns out?) The only reason I’d go near this apparent hunk of Kleenex bait is that it was directed by R.J. Cutler, who worked on the excellent reality series American High with UCF professor the late Jonathan Mednick. Miss ya, Jonathan! And tell Chloe that nobody down here blames her for Dark Shadows. — S.S. INTO THE STORM Rated PG-13 If it’s 2014, it must be time for an ersatz Twister reboot, with another bunch of crazy storm chasers boldly venturing straight into the thick of one of nature’s little shit Slurpees. If this thing becomes a hit, maybe Universal Studios can just slap a new logo on their Twister attraction instead of gutting it to make room for that Dance Moms Experience show I’ve been betting on for two years running now. Fun fact deux: The director of Into the Storm, Steven Quale, cohelmed Aliens of the Deep, another of James Can’t-QuiteGet-Past-Titanic Cameron’s deep-sea docs. Oh, how I love Ouroboros Week. — S.S. LAND HO! **@@ Rated R • Opens Aug. 29 at Sun-Ray Cinema and Regal Cinema Beach Boulevard Reviewed in this issue. LET’S BE COPS Rated R The action-comedy co-stars Jake Johnson (New Girl) and Damon Wayans Jr., who inherited his dad’s good looks and, we hope, comedic talents. They’re pals Ryan and Justin, who are going to a costume party dressed up as cops, with all the shiny gear cops like to have hanging off their highly polished Sam Browne belts. The outfits must be authentic-looking, because the two slackers are taken for real flatfoots and the hilarity ensues. — Marlene Dryden LUCY **** Rated R Scarlett Johansson stars as Lucy, a pretty, party-ready American girl, whose trip to China is cut short after she hooks up with the wrong guy. This nutty film is what a comic book movie would be like if it didn’t have the constraints of neatly establishing lucrative future franchises or following any “rules” of the genre. After a dialogue-heavy opening, with a conversation establishing the fi lm’s setting and Lucy’s scary predicament, it hurtles from one bizarre scenario to another. As her journey becomes more dire, writer/director Luc Besson inserts footage of wild animals, nature and bits of Morgan Freeman’s Professor Norman lecturing on the human mind. It may be trashy and absurd but make no mistake, Lucy is fearless. — Barry Wurst II MAGIC IN THE MOONLIGHT **G@ Rated PG-13 Woody Allen has problems with pace and personality. Not his personality (though if you read Mia Farrow’s rants, you might disagree), but his characters’ personalities. He’s too often relied on a good story while suffering from a tired tempo, mediocre directing and miscast leads. His newest go-to girl is Emma Stone, luminous in Magic but not quite right for the role. Stone plays Sophie, a young psychic in the 1920s who may actually be nothing more than a con artist who, with the help of her mother (an underused Marcia Gay Harden), is attempting to swindle wealthy families on the French Riviera by staging fake séances. Skeptical of Sophie’s intentions, one family seeks the help of Howard Burkan (Simon McBurney), a well-known magician and debunker of fake mediums. But when Howard can’t fi gure out Sophie’s schemes, he turns to his friend Stanley (Colin Firth), a no-nonsense type. — C.M. MARDAANI Not Rated The crime drama stars Rani Mukerji, Jisshu Sengupta and Tahir Bhasin. About a female cop up against human trafficking, it’s a bit different from the usual Bollywood movies. In Hindi. A MOST WANTED MAN ***G Rated R A starring role in this espionage thriller is a fi tting farewell for the great actor Philip Seymour Hoffman, who died last February. Directed by Anton Corbijn, who successfully helmed The American with George Clooney, and adapted from the novel by John le Carré, A Most Wanted Man is a smart, gripping thriller that carefully navigates its way through subtle twists and delicious ambiguity. Hoffman plays Günther Bachmann, a German espionage agent at

odds with his superiors and American counterpart Martha Sullivan (Robin Wright) over how to track down a highprofile Muslim terrorist. They want to hammer every threat into the ground while Günther prefers to watch, wait and seek the cooperation of lesser offenders. His anti-Bush philosophy is to seek out a “minnow to catch a barracuda to catch a shark,” but that proves diffi cult, especially in Hamburg, where Mohammed Atta planned his evil. Wright, channeling the charm and ruthlessness of her House of Cards character, is a fine foil to Hoffman. Willem Dafoe, as bank manager Tom Brue, unwittingly caught in the middle of terrorist activities, also shines. Only Rachel McAdams, as human-rights lawyer Annabel Richter, seems miscast. Her shortcomings are even more obvious when she’s up against Hoffman, who, though not given much to do dramatically, is riveting, even with a German accent, which the film employs instead of the German language itself. — C.M. THE NOVEMBER MAN Rated R Still looking for a vehicle to top Mamma Mia!, Pierce Brosnan plays a retired CIA star who takes on one last mission: Protect a female witness (Olga Kurylenko) who’s in serious danger. Hmmm … reminds me of something. Hold on, I’ll get it. On the tip of my tongue … oh, yeah: everything. This movie is a remake of everything. And if that’s the case, then the odds are pretty darn great that Pierce is gonna sing again, right? Sure hope so. He’s the only guy on Earth who sounds like an isolated vocal track even when he has accompaniment. — S.S. PLANES: FIRE & RESCUE Rated PG Airborne racing legend Dusty has to deal with the realization that structural infi rmities are sounding the death-knell for his career. A quarter-century ago, that would have been my cue to crack wise about A Million Points of Light Planes; instead, I’m just gonna call this one a movie about transitioning and let the chips fall where they may. — S.S. SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR Rated R Rumors that Frank Miller was going to dump co-director Robert Rodriguez so he could helm this prequel/sequel all by himself died down around – oh, let’s say the exact day The Spirit came out. Other fun stuff to know: Angelina Jolie was supposed to play the title role before it went to Eva Green; Josh Brolin stepped into the part played by Clive Owen last time; and the title was changed from A Dame to Die For. Apparently, to modern focus groups, murder is OK but suicide is a no-no. And mall directories still suck. — S.S. STEP UP ALL IN Rated PG-13 The fourth installment is an “all-star” edition that unites past competitors for a dance-off in Vegas. Since my experience with the “all-star” concept has been defined less by Major League Baseball and more by Project Runway, I hope somebody on the Step Up production team laid out for the biggest bus he could find, so the contestants have something nice and shiny under which they can throw one another when the time comes for them to advance. — S.S. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES Rated PG-13 OK, this is an honest-to-goodness reboot, with Michael Bay the man in charge of introducing the heroes in a half-shell to a new generation. Michael Bay for the Jim Henson Company? It isn’t my idea of a nifty trade, either. And Bay has brought in Megan Fox so she can play intrepid reporter April O’Neil – so much for our confidence that the abundant bad blood between the two of them would relegate them to polluting the cinematic gene pool separately and individually. Honestly, watching this is like watching East and West Germany reunite. Or the Eagles. — S.S. WHAT IF Rated PG-13 The presence of Ol’ Ruby Sparks herself, Zoe Kazan, as the female lead is the hipster talking point here, and having her play opposite Daniel Radcliffe (aka The Ever-Expanding Wand of Harry Potter) is good for some mainstream ink. But the truly clued-in will be most enticed by the source material: Toothpaste and Cigars, a play co-written by mighty Fringe-circuit monologist TJ Dawe. The play has toured Canada, but it’s never been here, which means that Dawe’s Sunshine-State acolytes essentially have a whole new work to dig into during the theatrical off-season. Seriously, it’s like Christmas for kids who get beat up a lot. — S.S. WHEN THE GAME STANDS TALL Rated PG … he sure makes Weezy look like a bitch when it comes to throwing three-pointers, nyuk nyuk! Actually, this new sports drama is about high school football, not hoops, and it stars Jesus-turned-Person-of-Interest Jim Caviezel as a real-life coach who took a California team to a recordwinning streak. Son of a bitch, I think I nodded off just typing that. — S.S.

AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 23

A&E // ARTS PERFORMANCE

ALFRED HITCHCOCK’S 39 STEPS Hitchcock’s masterpiece, a mash-up of broad physical comedy, spy thriller and zany zingers, is staged at 8 p.m. (dinner 6 p.m.) Aug. 27-31, Sept. 2-7; 1:15 p.m. (brunch 11 a.m.) Aug. 30 and Sept. 6; 2 p.m. (brunch noon) Aug. 31 and Sept. 7 at Alhambra Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., Southside, $35-$55, 641-1212, alhambrajax.com. MOTHERHOOD OUT LOUD This play, based on different views on parenthood of several American writers, is staged at 7:30 p.m. Aug. 28-30 and 2 p.m. Aug. 31 on Limelight Theatre’s Matuza Main Stage, 11 Old Mission Ave., St. Augustine, $25, 825-1164, limelight-theatre.org. BINGO! THE WINNING MUSICAL Family-friendly musical comedy and crowd participation have made this musical a popular production for community theaters. The audience is invited to play a few rounds of bingo, with a chance to win some cash, during the show. It’s staged at 8 p.m. Aug. 27-30 at Amelia Community Theatre, 209 Cedar St., Fernandina Beach, $20 for adults, $10 for students, 261-6749, ameliacommunitytheatre.org. WATER BY THE SPOONFUL This Pulitzer Prize-winning drama, focusing on the lives of those touched by substance abuse, including an Iraqi war veteran, is staged at 8 p.m. Aug. 28-30 and Sept. 4-6 at Players by the Sea, 106 N. Sixth St., Jax Beach, $25-$28, 249-0289, playersbythesea.org. PHANTOM, THE MUSICAL Not to be confused with Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Broadway production, OPCT’s Phantom puts a different spin on the story, delving deeper into the background of the mysterious masked man obsessed with a beautiful opera singer. The local production, employing a more classic operetta style, is staged at 8 p.m. Aug. 29 and 30 and Sept. 5, 6, 12, 13, 19 and 20; 3 p.m. Aug. 31 and Sept. 7, 14 and 21 at Orange Park Community Theatre, 2900 Moody Ave., $20, 276-2599, opct.org. LAUGH-IN REVUE Comedy sketches and songs from the ’60s are featured in this lighthearted musical staged at 7:30 p.m. on Aug. 29 and 30 at Amelia Musical Playhouse, 1955 Island Walkway, Fernandina Beach, $15, 277-3455, ameliamusicalplayhouse.com. THE BOY FROM OZ Atlantic Beach Experimental Theatre presents this award-winning Broadway musical, the true story of the late songwriter and entertainer Peter Allen, who wrote, among other hits, “Arthur’s Theme” and “I Honestly Love You”, and was briefly married to Liza Minnelli. It’s staged at 8 p.m. Sept. 5, 6, 12, 13, 19 and 20; 2 p.m. Sept. 14 and 21 at Adele Grage Cultural Center, 716 Ocean Blvd., Atlantic Beach, $20, 249-7177, abettheatre.com MAN OF LA MANCHA This Tony Award-winning musical version of Cervantes’ Don Quixote features the mad, aging nobleman who embarrasses his respectable family by his adventures. Backed by his faithful sidekick Sancho Panza, he duels windmills and defends his perfect lady in this tale staged at 8 p.m. (dinner 6 p.m.) Sept. 10-14, 16-18, 20-21, 23-28, 30, Oct. 1-4, 7-12; 1:15 p.m. (brunch 11 a.m.) Sept. 13, 20, 27, Oct. 2, 4, 11; 2 p.m. (lunch 12 p.m.) Sept. 14, 21, 28, Oct. 5, 12 at Alhambra Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., Southside, $35-$59, 641-1212, alhambrajax.com.

COMEDY

DON CURRY Curry, known for The Tracy Morgan Show, The Chris Rock Show and Next Friday, takes the stage at 8 p.m. Aug. 28-31 and 10 p.m. Aug. 29-30 at The Comedy Zone, 3130 Hartley Rd., Mandarin, call for tickets, 292-4242, comedyzone.com. MARK DANIEL This comedian, who’s opened for Jimmy Buffet, can be caught warming up audiences at The American Idol Experience at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, and here in town at 8 p.m. Aug. 29, 7 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. Aug. 30 at Latitude 360, 10370 Philips Hwy., Southside, 365-5555, latitude360.com. JOHN BUSH The comedian, who’s performed on Comedy Central, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and HBO Comedy Showcase, appears at 8:04 p.m. Aug. 28-30, and at 10:10 p.m. Aug. 30 at the Comedy Club of Jacksonville, 11000 Beach Blvd., $6-$15, 646-4277, jacksonvillecomedy.com. MAD COWFORD IMPROV Weekly PG-13-rated improv shows, based on audience suggestion, are held at 8:15 p.m. every Fri. and Sat. at Northstar Substation, 119 E. Bay St., Downtown, $5, 233-2359, madcowford.com. HOT POTATO COMEDY HOUR Local comics perform 9 p.m. every Mon. at rain dogs., 1045 Park St., Riverside, free, 379-4969. OPEN DOOR SUNDAYS Open mic night 9 p.m. every Sun. at Tapa That, 820 Lomax St., 5 Points, free, 376-9911, tapathat.com.

CALLS, WORKSHOPS & EVENTS

OPCT AUDITIONS Auditions are held for the comedy/mystery Murder Among Friends at 7 p.m. Aug. 31 and Sept. 1 at Orange Park Community Theatre, 2900 Moody Ave., 443-2633, opct.org. SUNDAY PAINT DAY Free art classes are offered to children of all ages, 5 p.m. every Sun. at LIYF Clothing & Accessories, 2870 University Blvd. W., Lakewood, vegan and vegetarian snacks, free, 865-630-0358.

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THE MANICORN PROJECT: Farrell is a featured piece in Christina Boykin’s collection of portraits of the mythical perfect man, with an opening reception held at 6 p.m. Aug. 30 at CoRK Arts District in Riverside. By appointment only through September.

AMATEUR NIGHT Musicians, singers, comedians, poets can participate in this audience-judged competition at 7:30 p.m. every first Fri. at Ritz Theatre & Museum, $6.

CLASSICAL & JAZZ

U.S. ARMY FIELD BAND The Jazz Ambassadors, the official touring big band of the United States Army, perform jazz and patriotic anthems, Latin tunes, bebop, pop hits, Dixieland and swing music at 7 p.m. Sept. 3 at Thrasher-Horne Center for the Arts, 283 College Dr., Orange Park, 276-6815, thcenter.org. JOHN THOMAS GROUP Jazz musicians perform the Good Hearts charity fundraiser for the American Heart Association at 4 p.m. Sept. 7 at Culhane’s Irish Pub, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595, culhanesirishpub.com.

ART WALKS, FESTIVALS & MARKETS

DOWNTOWN FRIDAY MARKET Arts and crafts and local produce, 10 a.m.-2 p.m. every Fri. at The Jacksonville Landing, 2 Independent Dr., Downtown, 353-1188. RIVERSIDE ARTS MARKET Mama Blue, Cindy Bear and A Nice Pair on Aug. 30. Local and regional art, local music, food artists and a farmers market are featured 10 a.m.-4 p.m. every Sat. under the Fuller Warren Bridge, 715 Riverside Ave., free admission, 389-2449, riversideartsmarket.com. UPTOWN SATURDAY NIGHT Self-guided tour features galleries, antique stores and shops open from 5-9 p.m. Aug. 30 and every last Sat. in St. Augustine’s San Marco District, 824-3152. FIRST WEDNESDAY ART WALK 5-9 p.m. Sept. 3 and every first Wed. More than 13 live music venues and hotspots open after 9 p.m. and 50 total participating venues, spanning 15 blocks in Downtown Jacksonville. downtownjacksonville.org. FIRST FRIDAY ART WALK The tour of Art Galleries of St. Augustine is held Sept. 5 and every first Fri., with more than 15 galleries participating, 829-0065. ORANGE PARK FARMERS & ARTS MARKET The new market is held 11 a.m.-4 p.m. Sept. 7 at Town Hall Park, 2042 Park Ave. It is scheduled to be held the first and third Sun. each month through May. townoforangepark.com

MUSEUMS

CUMMER MUSEUM OF ART & GARDENS 829 Riverside Ave., 356-6857, cummer.org. Collector’s Choice: Inside the Hearts and Minds of Regional Collectors, through Sept. 14. The Human Figure: Sculptures by Enzo Torcoletti is on display through September. A Commemoration of the Civil Rights Movement: Photography from the High Museum of Art is on display through Nov. 2. CRISP-ELLERT ART MUSEUM 48 Sevilla St., St. Augustine, 826-8530, flagler.edu/crispellert. Courtney Asztalos’ exhibit Bourbon Street focuses on the culture of the New Orleans street through photography and ‘screen grabs’ of the street’s 24-hour Earth Cam. An opening reception and artist talk are held at 5 p.m. Sept. 5. The exhibit is through Oct. 18. MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART JACKSONVILLE 333 N. Laura St., Downtown, 366-6911, mocajacksonville.com. The works of Caroline Lathan-Steifel are displayed in the exhibit Project Atrium through Oct. 26. Express Your #Selfie shows off

the works of Wolfson’s Children’s Hospital patients, through Nov. 30. The exhibit Juxtaposition, works by husband and wife Larry Wilson and Laurie Hitzig, is on display Sept. 2-Nov. 2. MUSEUM OF SCIENCE & HISTORY 1025 Museum Circle, Southbank, 396-6674, themosh.org. Uncovering the Past: Archaeological Discoveries of North Florida is on display through August. First Friday Cosmic Concerts (moshplanetarium.org) feature Laser Magic 7 p.m., Laser Vinyl 8 p.m., Dark Side of the Moon (Pink Floyd) 9 p.m., Led Zeppelin 10 p.m. on Sept. 5; $5. WORLD GOLF HALL OF FAME & MUSEUM 1 World Golf Place, St. Augustine, worldgolfhalloffame.org. Honoring the Legacy: A Tribute to African-Americans in Golf – an exhibit of photos, audio, video and memorabilia from the late 1800s to the present – is featured in the WGHOF permanent collection. BEACHES MUSEUM & HISTORY PARK 381 Beach Blvd., Jax Beach, 241-5657, beachesmuseum.org. Oil paintings by Ponte Vedra Beach resident and artist Susanne Schuenke are displayed through August.

GALLERIES

THE ART CENTER PREMIER GALLERY Bank of America Tower, 50 N. Laura St., Downtown, 355-1757. Sand and Sea: Two Elements, Infinite Visions featuring art that depicts water and water sports, is on display through Sept. 2. Print Matters: Making an Impression Works of various print-making techniques are on display Sept. 4-Nov. 6, with an opening reception at 5 p.m. Sept. 4; deadline for artists to submit their works for the exhibition is Sept. 3. BOLD BEAN COFFEE ROASTERS 869 Stockton St., Ste. 1, Riverside, 855-1181. Eric Gillyard’s exhibit of new collage works, Vagaries of Fiction, is displayed through August. 2400 S. Third St., Ste. 201, Jax Beach. CoRK Arts District’s Crystal Floyd displays mixed media, terrariums and specialedition screen prints created with Bold Bean espresso mixed with the ink, through August. THE CULTURAL CENTER AT PONTE VEDRA BEACH 50 Executive Way, 280-0614, ccvb.org. The works of figurative painter Susanna Richter-Helman and wood sculptor Peter Blunt are displayed in the main gallery through Sept. 19. FIRST STREET GALLERY 216-B First St., Neptune Beach, 241-6928, firststreetgalleryart.com. Painter Randy Pitts and glass artist Tracy Womack display their works through Sept. 2. PLUM GALLERY 9 Aviles St., St. Augustine, 825-0069, plumartgallery.com. American Craftsmen, an exhibit of mixedmedia sculptures, handcrafted furniture, stained glass and linocut prints by Nicola Barsaleau, Meagan Chaney Gumpert, Jessie Cook, Duke Darnold and Rachel deCuba, is on display through August. ROTUNDA GALLERY 500 San Sebastian View, St. Augustine, 829-9721. An exhibit of black-and-white photographs from about 30 nonprofit organizations in St. Johns County is on display through Oct. 23. ST. AUGUSTINE ART ASSOCIATION 22 Marine St., 824-2310, staaa.org. Nature in all its forms and the wildlife that inhabit the great outdoors are celebrated in the fifth annual Nature and Wildlife Exhibition, on display through August. SOUTHLIGHT GALLERY 201 N. Hogan St., Ste. 100, Downtown, 553-6361, southlightgallery.com. The Augustines, an exhibit featuring the works of artists at St. Augustine’s Butterfield Garage, continues through Aug. 27.

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DINING DIRECTORY

To list your restaurant, contact your account manager or Sam Taylor at 904.260.9770 ext. 111 or staylor@folioweekly.com.

DOWNTOWN

AKEL’S DELICATESSEN, 21 W. Church St., 665-7324, akelsdeli.com. F New York-style deli offers freshly made fare: subs (3 Wise Guys, Champ), burgers, gyros, breakfast bowls, ranchero wrap, vegetarian dishes. $ K TO B L Mon.-Fri. BURRITO GALLERY & BAR, 21 E. Adams St., 598-2922, burritogallery.com. BOJ. Southwestern burritos, ginger teriyaki tofu, beef barbacoa, wraps, tacos. $ BW TO L D Mon.-Sat. CASA MARIA, 12961 N. Main St., Ste. 104, 757-6411. F

DINING DIRECTORY KEY

Average Entrée Cost $ = Less than $8 $$ = $8- $14 $$$ = $15- $22 $$$$ = $23 & up BW = Beer/Wine FB = Full Bar K = Kids’ Menu TO = Take Out B = Breakfast R = Brunch L = Lunch D = Dinner Bite Club = Hosted free FW Bite Club tasting. Join: fwbiteclub.com. BOJ = 2013 Best of Jax winner F = FW distribution spot

AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA BEACH, YULEE

29 SOUTH EATS, 29 S. Third St., 277-7919, 29southrestau rant.com. F In historic downtown, the popular bistro’s Chef Scotty Schwartz serves traditional regional cuisine with a modern twist. $$ L Tue.-Sat.; D Mon.-Sat.; R Sun. BRETT’S Waterway Café, 1 S. Front St., 261-2660. F Southern hospitality in an upscale waterfront spot; daily specials, fresh local seafood, aged beef. $$$ FB K L D Daily CAFÉ KARIBO, 27 N. Third St., 277-5269, cafekaribo.com. F In a historic building, the family-owned spot offers worldly fare: veggie burgers, fresh seafood, made-from-scratch desserts. Dine in or out on oak-shaded patio. Karibrew Pub offers beer brewed onsite. $$ FB K TO R, Sun.; L D Daily CIAO ITALIAN BISTRO, 302 Centre St., 206-4311, ciaobistroluca.com. Owners Luka and Kim Misciasci offer fine dining: veal piccata, rigatoni Bolognese, antipasto. Specialties: chicken Ciao, homemade-style meat lasagna. $ L Fri. & Sat.; D Nightly DAVID’S Restaurant & Lounge, 802 Ash St., 310-6049, ameliaislanddavids.com. Fine dining in historic district. Fresh seafood, prime aged meats, rack of lamb served in an elegant, chic spot. $$$$ FB D Wed.-Mon. DICK’S Wings, 474313 E. S.R. 200, 491-3469. 450077 S.R. 200, Callahan, 879-0993. BOJ. SEE PONTE VEDRA. ELIZABETH POINTE LODGE, 98 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-4851, elizabethpointelodge.com. BOJ. Award-winning B&B offers elegant seaside dining, indoors or outside. Hot buffet breakfast daily. Homestyle soups, specialty sandwiches, salads, desserts. $$$ BW K B L D Daily JACK & DIANE’S, 708 Centre St., 321-1444, jackanddianes cafe.com. F In renovated 1887 shotgun house. Jambalaya, French toast, mac-n-cheese, vegan/vegetarian items. Dine in or on porch. $$ FB K B L D Daily LULU’S at Thompson House, 11 S. Seventh St., 432-8394, lulusamelia.com. F Creative lunch: po’boys, salads, little plates. Dinner: fresh local seafood, Fernandina shrimp. Reservations. $$$ BW K TO R Sun.; L D Tue.-Sat. MARCHÉ BURETTE, 6800 First Coast Hwy., 491-4834, omnihotels.com. Old-fashioned gourmet food market/deli, in Spa & Shops, Omni Amelia Island Plantation. Continental breakfast; lunch features flatbreads. $$$ BW K TO L D Daily MOON RIVER PIZZA, 925 S. 14th St., 321-3400, moonriverpizza.net. F BOJ. Northern-style pizzas, 20+ toppings, by the pie or the slice. $ BW TO L D Mon.-Sat. THE MUSTARD SEED CAFE, 833 TJ Courson Rd., 277-3141, nassaushealthfoods.net. Snail of Approval. Casual organic eatery and juice bar, in Nassau Health Foods. All-natural organic items, smoothies, juice, coffee, herbal tea. $$ TO B L Mon.-Sat. PALATE Restaurant & Raw Bar, 614 Centre St., 432-7690, palateamelia.com. The new place features upscale Southerninfluenced cuisine and a raw bar. $$ FB K TO L D Mon.-Sat. THE PECAN ROLL BAKERY, 122 S. Eighth St., 491-9815, thepecanrollbakery.com. The bakery near the historic district has sweet and savory pastries, cookies, cakes, bagels, breads, all made from scratch. $ K TO B L Wed.-Sun. PLAE, 80 Amelia Village Cir., 277-2132, plaefl.net. Bite Club. Omni Plantation Spa & Shops. Bistro-style venue serves whole fried fish and duck breast. Outdoor dining. $$$ FB L Tue.-Sat.; D Nightly THE SALTY PELICAN Bar & Grill, 12 N. Front St., 277-3811, thesaltypelicanamelia.com. F See ICW sunsets from second-story outdoor bar. Owners T.J. and Al offer local seafood, Mayport shrimp, fish tacos, po’boys, original broiled cheese oysters. $$ FB K L D Daily SLIDERS Seaside Grill, 1998 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-6652, slidersseaside.com. F BOJ. Oceanfront place serves awardwinning handmade crab cakes, fresh seafood, fried pickles. Outdoor dining, open-air 2nd floor, balcony. $$ FB K L D Daily TASTY’S FRESH BURGERS & FRIES, 710 Centre St., 321-0409, tastysamelia.com. BOJ. In historic district. Fresh fast-food alternative, combining the freshest meats, hand-cut fries, homemade sauces, hand-spun shakes. $ BW K L D Daily T-RAY’S BURGER STATION, 202 S. 8th St., 261-6310. F This spot in an old gas station offers blue plate specials, burgers, biscuits & gravy, shrimp. $ BW TO B L Mon.-Sat. THE VERANDAH, 6800 First Coast Hwy., 321-5050, omni hotels.com. Extensive menu of fresh local seafood and steaks; signature entrée is Fernandina shrimp. Many herbs and spices are from onsite garden. $$$ FB K D Nightly

ARLINGTON, REGENCY

DICK’S Wings, 9119 Merrill Rd., 745-9300. BOJ. SEE PONTE

SEE BEACHES.

CHOMP CHOMP, 106 E. Adams St., 762-4667. F Eats at moderate prices – most less than $10. Chef-inspired street food: panko-crusted chicken, burgers, chinois tacos, bahn mi and barbecue. $ L Tue.-Sat.; D Thur.-Sat. FIONN MacCOOL’S Irish Pub & Restaurant, Jax Landing, Ste. 176, 374-1547, fionnmacs.com. BOJ. Casual dining with an uptown Irish atmosphere, serving fish and chips, Guinness lamb stew and black-and-tan brownies. $$ FB K L D Daily OLIO MARKET, 301 E. Bay St., 356-7100, oliomarket.com. From-scratch soups, sandwiches. They cure their own bacon, pickle their pickles. Home to duck grilled cheese, seen on Travel Channel’s Best Sandwich in America. $$ BW TO B R L Mon.-Fri. Katie Dunton and Melina Hurley, of Julington Creek Fish Camp in Julington Creek, enjoy whole fried red snapper, Mayport shrimp and grits, smoked fish spread and oysters on the half shell. Photo: Dennis Ho

AVONDALE, ORTEGA

BAGEL LOVE, 4114 Herschel St., Ste. 121, 634-7253, bagel lovejax.com. BOJ. Locally-owned-and-operated spot has Northern-style bagels, cream cheeses, sandwiches, wraps, subs, bakery items. Fresh-squeezed lemonade, coffee, tea. $ K TO B L Daily THE CASBAH CAFÉ, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966, the casbahcafe.com. F BOJ. Middle Eastern/Mediterranean fare. Patio, hookah lounge, bellydancers. $$ BW L D Daily CLAUDE’S CHOCOLATE, 3543 St. Johns Ave., 829-5790. F In Green Man Gourmet. Wines, spices, fresh fruit ice pops and Belgian chocolates. SEE PONTE VEDRA. $$ TO THE FOX Restaurant, 3580 St. Johns Ave., 387-2669. F Owners Ian & Mary Chase offer fresh diner fare: burgers, meatloaf, fried green tomatoes, desserts. Breakfast all day. Local landmark for 50+ years. $$ BW K L D Daily HARPOON LOUIE’S, 4070 Herschel St., Ste. 8, 389-5631, harpoonlouies.net. F Locally owned and operated for 20+ years, the American pub serves 1/2-pound burgers, fish sandwiches, pasta. Local beers. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LA NOPALERA, 4530 St. Johns, 388-8828. F See Mandarin. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 3611 St. Johns Ave., 388-0200. F Bite Club. BOJ. SEE BEACHES. MOJO NO. 4 Urban BBQ & Whiskey Bar, 3572 St. Johns Ave., 381-6670. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES. PINEGROVE Market & Deli, 1511 Pine Grove Ave., 389-8655, pinegrovemarket.com. F BOJ. 40+ years. Burgers, Cuban sandwiches, subs, wraps. Onsite butcher cuts USDA choice prime aged beef. Craft beers. $ BW TO B L D Mon.-Sat. RESTAURANT ORSAY, 3630 Park St., 381-0909, restaurant orsay.com. BOJ. French/Southern bistro serves steak frites, mussels and Alsatian pork chops in an elegant setting, with an emphasis on locally grown organic ingredients. Snail of Approval. Craft cocktails. $$$ FB K R, Sun.; D Nightly SIMPLY SARA’S, 2902 Corinthian Ave., 387-1000, simply saras.net. F Down-home fare, from scratch: eggplant fries, pimento cheese, baked chicken, fruit cobblers, chicken & dumplings, desserts. BYOB. $$ K TO L D Mon.-Sat., B Sat.

BAYMEADOWS

AKEL’S DELICATESSEN, 7825 Baymeadows Way, 733-4040. F SEE DOWNTOWN. AL’S PIZZA, 8060 Philips Hwy., Ste. 105, 731-4300. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES. BROADWAY Ristorante & Pizzeria, Ste. 3, 10920 Baymeadows Rd. E., 519-8000, broadwayfl.com. F Familyowned-and-operated Italian pizzeria serves calzones, wings, brick-oven-baked pizza, subs. $$ BW K TO L D Daily INDIA’S Restaurant, 9802 Baymeadows, Ste. 8, 620-0777, indiajax.com. F Authentic Indian cuisine, lunch buffet. Curries, vegetable dishes, lamb, chicken, shrimp, fish tandoori. $$ BW L Mon.-Sat.; D Nightly LA NOPALERA, 8206 Philips Hwy., 732-9433. F SEE MANDARIN. LARRY’S SUBS, 3928 Baymeadows, 737-7740. 8616 Baymeadows, 739-2498. F SEE ORANGE PARK. NATIVE SUN Natural Foods Market & Deli, 11030 Baymeadows, 260-2791. SEE MANDARIN. PIZZA PALACE Restaurant & Pizzeria, 3928 Baymeadows, 527-8649, pizzapalacejax.com. F Relaxed, family-owned place serves homestyle cuisine. Local faves: spinach pizza, chicken spinach calzones, ravioli, lasagna, parmigiana. Outside dining; HD TVs. $$ BW K TO L D Daily ZESTY INDIA, 8358 Point Meadows Dr., 329-3676, zesty india.com. Asian methods meld with European template to create tandoori lamb chops, rosemary tikka. Vegetarian items cooked separately in vegetable oil. $ BW TO L D Tue.-Sun.

VEDRA.

LA NOPALERA, 8818 Atlantic Blvd., 720-0106. SEE MANDARIN. LARRY’S SUBS, 1301 Monument Rd., Ste. 5, 724-5802. F SEE ORANGE PARK. THE SHEIK DELI, 9720 Atlantic Blvd., 721-2660. Familyowned-and-operated, Sheik restaurants have served Northeast Florida for 40+ years, with a full breakfast (from pitas to country plates) and a lunch menu. $ TO B L D Mon.-Sat.

BEACHES

(Locations are in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted.)

AL’S PIZZA, 303 Atlantic Blvd., Beaches Town Ctr., Atlantic Beach, 249-0002, alspizza.com. F BOJ. Celebrating 20+ years, Al’s is a repeat Best Pizza winner in our annual readers’ poll. New York-style and gourmet pizzas, baked dishes. All-day HH Mon.-Thur. $ FB K TO L D Daily BOLD BEAN Coffee Roasters, 2400 S. Third St., Ste. 201.

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BOJ. SEE RIVERSIDE. BUDDHA THAI BISTRO, 301 10th Ave. N., 712-4444, buddhathaibistro.com. The proprietors are from Thailand; every dish is made with fresh ingredients. $$ FB TO L D Daily BURRITO GALLERY Express, 1333 Third St. N., 242-8226. BOJ. SEE DOWNTOWN. CASA MARIA, 2429 S. Third St., 372-9000, casamariajax. com. F Family-owned-and-operated place offers authentic Mexican fare: fajitas and seafood dishes, hot sauces made inhouse. The specialty is tacos de asada. $ FB K L D Daily CULHANE’S Irish Public House, 967 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 249-9595, culhanesirishpub.com. Bite Club. Upscale pub and restaurant owned and managed by sisters from County Limerick, Ireland. Shepherd’s pie, corned beef; gastropub menu. $$ FB K R Sat. & Sun.; L Fri.-Sun.; D Tue.-Sun. EUROPEAN STREET CAFE, 992 Beach Blvd., 249-3001.

FLEMING ISLAND

GRASSROOTS Natural Market, 1915 East-West Pkwy., 541-0009. F BOJ. SEE RIVERSIDE. LA NOPALERA, 1571 C.R. 220, 215-2223. F SEE MANDARIN. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1800 Town Center Blvd., 541-1999. F Bite Club. BOJ. SEE BEACHES. MOJO Smokehouse, 1810 Town Center Blvd., Ste. 8, 264-0636. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES. WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198, whiteys fishcamp.com. F Real fish camp serves gator tail, freshwater river catfish, daily specials, traditional fare, on Swimming Pen Creek. Tiki bar. Come by boat, motorcycle or car. $ FB K TO L Tue.-Sun.; D Nightly YOUR PIE, 1545 C.R. 220, Ste. 125, 379-9771, yourpie. com. Owner Mike Sims has a fast, casual pizza concept: Choose from 3 doughs, 9 sauces, 7 cheeses and 40+ toppings; create their own pizza pie. It goes in a brick oven for 5 minutes and ta-da: It’s your pie. Subs, sandwiches, gelato. $$ BW K TO L D Daily

SEE RIVERSIDE.

FLYING IGUANA Taqueria & Tequila Bar, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 853-5680, flyingiguana.com. F Latin American fusion, Southwestern-influenced: tacos, seafood, carnitas, Cubana sandwiches. 100+ tequilas. $ FB L D Daily LANDSHARK CAFE, 1728 Third St. N., 246-6024, land sharkcafe.com. F Locally owned & operated. Fresh, off-the-boat local seafood, fish tacos, houseground burgers, wings, handcut fries, tater tots; daily specials. $$ FB K L D Daily; R Sun. LA NOPALERA, 1222 Third St. S., 372-4495. F SEE MANDARIN. LARRY’S SUBS, 657 N. Third St., 247-9620. F SEE ORANGE PARK.

LILLIE’S COFFEE BAR, 200 First St., Beaches Town Ctr., NB, 249-2922, lilliescoffeebar.com. F Locally roasted coffee, eggs, bagels, flatbreads, sandwiches, desserts. Dine indoors or out, patio and courtyard. $$ BW TO B L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM Pizza Bakers, 1018 Third St. N., Ste. 2, 241-5600, mellowmushroom.com. F Bite Club. BOJ. Hoagies, gourmet pizzas: Mighty Meaty, vegetarian, Kosmic Karma. 35 tap beers. Nonstop HH. $ FB K TO L D Daily METRO Diner, 1534 Third St. N., 853-6817. BOJ. SEE SAN MARCO.

MEZZA Restaurant & Bar, 110 First St., Beaches Town Ctr., NB, 249-5573, mezzarestaurantandbar.com. F Near-the-ocean eatery, 20+ years. Casual bistro fare: gourmet wood-fired pizzas, nightly specials. Dine inside or on the patio. Valet parking. $$$ FB K D Mon.-Sat. MOJO KITCHEN BBQ Pit & Blues Bar, 1500 Beach Blvd., 247-6636, mojobbq.com. F BOJ. Pulled pork, Carolinastyle barbecue, Delta fried catfish, all the sides. $$ FB K TO L D Daily M SHACK, 299 Atlantic Blvd., Beaches Town Ctr., AB, 241-2599. F BOJ. David and Matthew Medure flip burgers, hot dogs, fries, shakes, familiar fare, moderate prices. Dine inside or outside. $$ BW L D Daily NORTH BEACH BISTRO, 725 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 6, AB, 372-4105, nbbistro.com. Bite Club. Neighborhood gem with a chef-driven kitchen serves hand-cut steaks, fresh local seafood, tapas menu. HH. $$$ FB K R Sun.; L D Daily OCEAN 60 Restaurant, Wine Bar & Martini Room, 60 Ocean Blvd., AB, 247-0060, ocean60.com. BOJ. Continental cuisine, fresh seafood, nightly dinner specials and a seasonal menu in a formal dining room or casual Martini Room. $$$ FB D Mon.-Sat. RAGTIME TAVERN & Seafood Grill, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Beaches Town Ctr., AB, 241-7877, ragtimetavern.com. F For 30+ years, the seafood place has scored many awards in our BOJ readers poll. Blackened snapper, sesame tuna, Ragtime shrimp. Daily HH. $$ FB L D Daily SALT LIFE FOOD SHACK, 1018 Third St. N., 372-4456, saltlifefoodshack.com. BOJ. Specialty items: signature tuna poke bowl, fresh rolled sushi, Ensenada tacos, local fried shrimp, in a modern open-air space. $$ FB K TO L D Daily SLIDERS Seafood Grille & Oyster Bar, 218 First St., Beaches Town Ctr., NB, 246-0881, slidersseafoodgrille. com. Beach-casual. Faves: Fresh fish tacos, gumbo. Key lime pie, ice cream sandwiches. $$ FB K L Sat. & Sun.; D Nightly

INTRACOASTAL WEST

AL’S PIZZA, 14286 Beach Blvd., Ste. 31, 223-0991. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES. DICK’S Wings, 14286 Beach Blvd., 223-0115. F BOJ. SEE PONTE VEDRA.

LA NOPALERA Mexican Restaurant, 14333 Beach Blvd., Ste. 39, 992-1666. F Tamales, fajitas, pork tacos. Some La Nops have a full bar. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LARRY’S SUBS, 10750 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 14, 642-6980. F SEE ORANGE PARK. TIME OUT Sports Grill, 13799 Beach Blvd., Ste. 5, 223-6999, timeoutsportsgrill.com. F Locally-owned-andoperated. Hand-tossed pizzas, wings, wraps. Daily drink specials, HDTVs, pool tables. Late-night menu. $$ FB L Tue.-Sun.; D Nightly

JULINGTON CREEK

DICK’S Wings, 525 S.R. 16, Ste. 101, 825-4540. BOJ. SEE PONTE VEDRA.

METRO Diner, 12807 San Jose Blvd., 638-6185. F BOJ. SEE SAN MARCO.

PIZZA PALACE, 116 Bartram Oaks Walk, 230-2171. F SEE BAYMEADOWS.

MANDARIN

AKEL’S DELICATESSEN, 12926 Gran Bay Pkwy. W., 880-2008. F SEE DOWNTOWN. AL’S PIZZA, 11190 San Jose Blvd., 260-4115. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES.

ATHENS CAFÉ, 6271 St. Augustine Rd., Ste. 7, 733-1199, athenscafe.com. F All the favorites, from the dolmades (stuffed grape leaves) to the baby shoes (stuffed eggplant). Greek beers. $$ BW L Mon.-Fri.; D Mon.-Sat. BROOKLYN PIZZA, 11406 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 3, 288-9211. 13820 St. Augustine Rd., 880-0020. Brooklyn Special Pizza is a customer favorite. There’s calzones, white pizza and homestyle lasagna. $$ BW TO L D Daily THE COFFEE BARD, 9735 Old St. Augustine Rd., Ste. 13, 260-0810, thecoffeebard.com. New world coffeehouse has coffees, breakfast, drinks. $$ TO B L D Tue.-Sun. DICK’S Wings, 10391 Old St. Augustine, 880-7087. F BOJ. SEE PONTE VEDRA. GIGI’S RESTAURANT, 3130 Hartley Rd., 694-4300, jaxramada.com. BOJ. In Ramada. Prime rib and crab leg buffet Fri. & Sat., blue-jean brunch Sun., daily breakfast, lunch and dinner buffets. $$$ FB B R L D Daily GILMON’S BAKERY, 11362 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 13, 288-8128, gilmonsbakery.com. Custom cakes, cupcakes, gingerbread men, pies, cookies, coffee, tea. $$ B L Tue.-Sat. HARMONIOUS MONKS, 10550 Old St. Augustine Rd., Ste. 30, 880-3040, harmoniousmonks.net. F American-style steakhouse: Angus steaks, gourmet burgers, ribs, wraps. $$ FB K L D Mon.-Sat. KAZU Japanese Restaurant, 9965 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 35, 683-9903, kazujapaneserestaurant.com. Wide variety of soups, dumplings, appetizers, salads, bento boxes, sushi, entrées, maki handrolls, sashimi. $$ BW TO L D Daily LA NOPALERA, 11700 San Jose Blvd., 288-0175. F

GRILL ME!

DINING DIRECTORY A WEEKLY Q&A WITH PEOPLE IN THE FOOD BIZ

ST. JOHNS TOWN CENTER

MOXIE Kitchen + Cocktails, 4972 Big Island Dr., 998-9744, moxiefl.com. Chef Tom Gray’s place features innovative contemporary American cuisine – seafood, steaks, pork, burgers, salads, sides and desserts – using locally sourced ingredients when possible. $$$ FB K L Mon.-Fri.; D Nightly MSHACK, 10281 Midtown Pkwy., 642-5000. F BOJ. SEE

NAME: Jason Swed

RESTAURANT: Hilltop Restaurant, 2030 Wells Road, Orange Park BIRTHPLACE: Jacksonville

YEARS IN THE BIZ: 22

FAVORITE RESTAURANT (other than mine): Island Life Grill, Fleming Island

BEACHES.

BEST CUISINE STYLE: New Southern

BASIL THAI & SUSHI, 1004 Hendricks Ave., 674-0190, basilthaijax.com. F Authentic dishes include Pad Thai, curries, sashimi, fresh sushi, daily specials. $$ FB L D Mon.-Sat. DICK’S Wings, 1610 University Blvd. W., 448-2110. SEE P.V. EUROPEAN STREET, 1704 San Marco Blvd., 398-9500. BOJ.

SAN MARCO, SOUTHBANK

GO-TO INGREDIENTS: Sage, garlic, goat cheese IDEAL MEAL: Grilled New York strip with crawfish fondue, sweet potato hash and sautéed green beans

SEE RIVERSIDE.

WILL NOT CROSS MY LIPS: Grits CELEBRITY SIGHTING: Jimmy Fallon CULINARY TREAT: Peanut butter pie Tamales, fajitas and pork tacos are customer favorites. Some locations offer a full bar. $$ FB K TO L D Daily LARRY’S SUBS, 11365 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 3, 674-2945. F SEE ORANGE PARK. NATIVE SUN Natural Foods Market & Deli, 10000 San Jose Blvd., 260-6950, nativesunjax.com. Natural, organic soups, sandwiches, wraps, baked goods, prepared foods, juices and smoothies. Juice, smoothie and coffee bar. All-natural, organic beers, wines. Indoor, outdoor dining. $ BW TO K B L D Daily THE RED ELEPHANT Pizza & Grill, 10131 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 12, 683-3773, redelephantpizza.com. F Casual, familyfriendly eatery serves steaks, seafood, chicken grill specials. Five topping selections. Salads, sandwiches, pizza. Gluten-free friendly. $ FB K L D Daily STEAMIN, 9703 San Jose Blvd., Mandarin, 493-2020, eatsteamin.com. Classic diner serves steam burgers, fat dogs and chili, 50+ craft beers. $ FB TO B Sat.-Sun.; L D Daily

ORANGE PARK, MIDDLEBURG

ARON’S PIZZA, 650 Park Ave., 269-1007, aronspizza.com. F Family-owned restaurant has eggplant dishes, manicotti, New York-style pizzas. $$ BW K TO L D Daily DICK’S WINGS, 1540 Wells Rd., 269-2122. SEE PONTE VEDRA. THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells Road, 272-5959, hilltop-club. com. Southern-style fine dining. Specialties: New Orleans shrimp, certified Black Angus prime rib, she-crab soup, desserts. $$$ FB D Tue.-Sat. LA NOPALERA, 9734 Crosshill Blvd., 908-4250. 2024 Kingsley Ave., 276-2776. F SEE MANDARIN. LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 1330 Blanding Blvd., 276-7370. 1545 C.R. 220, 278-2827. 700 Blanding, Ste. 15, 272-3553. 1401 S. Orange Ave., Green Cove Springs, 284-7789, larryssubs.com. F For 30+ years, all over the area, they pile ’em high and serve ’em fast. Hot/cold subs, soups, salads. $ K TO B L D Daily POMPEII COAL-FIRED PIZZA, 2134 Park Ave., 264-6116. Family-owned-and-operated, offering pizzas and wings made in coal-fired ovens. Espresso, cappuccino. $ BW TO L D Daily THE ROADHOUSE, 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611, roadhouseonline.net. F Wings, sandwiches, burgers, quesadillas; 35+ years. 75+ imported beers. $ FB L D Daily THE SHEIK, 1994 Kingsley Ave., 276-2677. SEE ARLINGTON.

PONTE VEDRA, NW ST. JOHNS

AL’S PIZZA, 635 A1A N., 543-1494. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES. CLAUDE’S CHOCOLATE, 145 Hilden Rd., Ste. 122, 829-5790, claudeschocolate.com. Hand-crafted premium Belgian chocolate, fruits, nuts, spices. Cookies, popsicles. $$ TO DICK’S Wings & Grill, 100 Marketside Ave., 829-8134, dickswingsandgrill.com. F BOJ. NASCAR-themed; 365 kinds of wings, half-pound burgers, ribs. $ FB K TO L D Daily LARRY’S, 830 A1A N., Ste. 6, 273-3993. F SEE ORANGE PARK. RESTAURANT MEDURE, 818 A1A N., 543-3797, restaurant medure.us. Chef David Medure offers global flavors. Small plates, creative drinks, HH twice daily. $$$ FB D Mon.-Sat.

RIVERSIDE, 5 POINTS, WESTSIDE

AKEL’S DELI, 245 Riverside Ave., 791-3336. F SEE DOWNTOWN. AL’S PIZZA, 1620 Margaret St., Ste. 201, 388-8384. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES.

BLACK SHEEP Restaurant, 1534 Oak St., 355-3793, black sheep5points.com. BOJ. New American fare with Southern twist, made with locally sourced ingredients. Rooftop bar. $$$ FB R Sat. & Sun.; L D Daily BOLD BEAN Coffee Roasters, 869 Stockton St., Stes. 1-2, 855-1181. F BOJ. Small-batch, artisanal coffee roasting. Organic, fair trade. $ BW TO B L Daily DICK’S Wings, 5972 San Juan, 693-9258. SEE PONTE VEDRA. EDGEWOOD BAKERY, 1012 S. Edgewood Ave., 389-8054, edgewoodbakery.com. 66+ years, full-service bakery. Fresh breakfast, from-scratch pastries, petit fours, pies, cakes. Espresso, sandwiches, smoothies, soups. $$ K TO B L Tue.-Sat. EUROPEAN STREET CAFE, 2753 Park St., 384-9999, europeanstreet.com. BOJ. 130+ imported beers, 20 on tap. NYC-style classic Reuben, overstuffed sandwiches; salads, soups. Outside seating at some EStreets. $ BW K L D Daily GRASSROOTS Natural Market, 2007 Park St., 384-4474, thegrassrootsmarket.com. F BOJ. Juice bar uses certified

organic fruit, vegetables. Artisanal cheese, 300+ craft/import beers, 50 organic wines, produce, meats, wraps, raw, vegan, vitamins and herbs. $ BW TO B L D Daily HAWKERS ASIAN STREET FARE, 1001 Park St., 508-0342, hawkerstreetfare.com. Based on fare of Asian street vendors, peddling authentic dishes from mobile stalls. Chefs here serve the best hawker recipes under one roof. $ BW TO L D Daily KNEAD, 1173 Edgewood Ave. S. New from Bold Bean Coffee owners. Locally-owned, family-run bake shop specializing in made-from-scratch classic pastries, artisan breads, savory pies, specialty sandwiches, seasonal soups. $ TO B L Tue.-Sun. LARRY’S SUBS, 1509 Margaret St., 674-2794. 7895 Normandy, 781-7600. 5733 Roosevelt, 446-9500. 8102 Blanding, 779-1933. F SEE ORANGE PARK. METRO Diner, 4495 Roosevelt Blvd., Ortega, 999-4600. F BOJ. SEE SAN MARCO. MONROE’S Smokehouse BAR-B-Q, 4838 Highway Ave., 389-5551, monroessmokehousebbq.com. Monroe’s smoked meats include wings, pulled pork, brisket, turkey and ribs. Homestyle sides include green beans, baked beans, mac-ncheese, collards. $$ K TO L Mon.-Sat.; D Fri. MOON RIVER PIZZA, 1176 Edgewood Ave. S., 389-4442. F BOJ. SEE AMELIA ISLAND. THE MOSSFIRE GRILL, 1537 Margaret St., 355-4434, moss fire.com. F Southwestern fish tacos, chicken enchiladas. HH Mon.-Sat. upstairs lounge, all day Sun. $$ FB K L D Daily O’BROTHERS Irish Pub, 1521 Margaret St., 854-9300, obrothersirishpub.com. F Traditional shepherd’s pie with Stilton crust, Guinness mac-n-cheese, fish-n-chips. Patio dining. $$ FB K TO L D Daily THE SHEIK, 7361 103rd St., 778-4805. 5172 Normandy Blvd., 786-7641. SEE ARLINGTON. SUN-RAY Cinema, 1028 Park St., 359-0049, sunraycinema. com. F Beer (Bold City, Intuition), wine, pizza, hot dogs, hummus, sandwiches, popcorn, nachos, brownies. $$ BW Daily SUSHI CAFÉ, 2025 Riverside Ave., Ste. 204, 384-2888, sushicafejacksonville.com. Sushi variety, like Monster Roll, Jimmy Smith Roll; faves like Rock-n-Rol, Dynamite Roll. Hibachi, tempura, katsu, teriyaki. Indoor or patio. $$ BW L D Daily

ST. AUGUSTINE

AL’S PIZZA, 1 St. George St., 824-4383. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES. AVILES Restaurant & Lounge, 32 Avenida Menendez, 829-2277, hiltonhistoricstaugustine.net. F Hilton Bayfront. Progressive European-flavored menu; made-to-order pasta night, wine dinners, chophouse nights, breakfast buffet. Sun. champagne brunch bottomless mimosas. $$$ FB K B L D Daily CARMELO’S Marketplace & Pizzeria, 146 King St., 494-6658, carmelosmarketplace.com. F NY-style gourmet brick-oven-baked pizza, fresh sub rolls, Boar’s Head meats and cheeses, garlic herb wings. Outdoor seating, Wi-Fi. $$ BW TO L D Daily CLAUDE’S CHOCOLATE, 6 Granada St., 829-5790. In The Market. Wine and chocolate pairings, soft-serve ice cream, a coffee bar, fresh fruit ice pops, cookies. $$ TO THE FLORIDIAN, 39 Cordova St., 829-0655, thefloridianst aug.com. Updated Southern fare: fresh ingredients from area farms. Vegetarian, gluten-free. Fried green tomato bruschetta, grits with shrimp, fish or tofu. $$$ BW K TO L D Wed.-Mon. GYPSY CAB COMPANY, 828 Anastasia Blvd., 824-8244, gypsycab.com. F A mainstay for 25+ years, Gypsy’s menu changes twice daily. Signature dish: Gypsy chicken. Seafood, tofu, duck, veal. Sun. brunch. $$ FB R Sun.; L D Daily THE ICE PLANT BAR, 110 Riberia St., 829-6553, iceplantbar. com. Vintage-inspired (an old ice plant) in historic area. Farmto-table menu uses locally sourced ingredients; drinks are handcrafted with house-made bitters, syrups. $$$ FB TO D Nightly MELLOW MUSHROOM, 410 Anastasia Blvd., 826-4040. F Bite Club. BOJ. SEE BEACHES. MOJO Old City BBQ, 5 Cordova, 342-5264. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES. PACIFIC ASIAN BISTRO, 159 Palencia Village Dr., Ste. 111, 808-1818, pacificasianbistro.com. F BOJ. Chef Mas Lui creates 30+ sushi rolls; fresh sea scallops, Hawaiian-style poke tuna salad. Sake. $$-$$$ BW L D Daily SALT LIFE Food Shack, 321 A1A Beach Blvd., St. Augustine Beach, 217-3256, saltlifefoodshack.com. BOJ. SEE BEACHES. TEMPO, 16 Cathedral Place, 547-0240. Latin American fusion wine bar and restaurant offers traditional American fare with a Latin flair; sandwiches, too. $$ BW L D Tue.-Sun.

FUSION SUSHI, 1550 University Blvd. W., 636-8688, fusion sushijax.com. F Upscale sushi spot serves a variety of fresh sushi, sashimi, hibachi, teriyaki, kiatsu. $$ K L D Daily THE GROTTO Wine & Tapas Bar, 2012 San Marco Blvd., 398-0726, grottowine.com. F Varied tapas menu: artisanal cheese plates, empanadas, bruschettas, cheesecake. 60+ wines by the glass. $$$ BW Tue.-Sun. LA NOPALERA, 1631 Hendricks, 399-1768. F SEE MANDARIN. MATTHEW’S, 2107 Hendricks Ave., 396-9922, matthews restaurant.com. Chef Matthew Medure’s flagship. Fine dining, artfully presented cuisine, small plates, martini/wine lists. HH Mon.-Fri. Reservations. $$$$ FB D Mon.-Sat. METRO DINER, 3302 Hendricks Ave., 398-3701, metrodiner. com. F BOJ. Original upscale diner in ’30s-era building. Meatloaf, chicken pot pie, homemade soups. $$ B R L Daily MOJO Bar-B-Que, 1607 University Blvd. W., 732-7200. F BOJ. SEE BEACHES. PIZZA PALACE, 1959 San Marco Blvd., 399-8815. F SEE BAYMEADOWS.

PULP, 1962 San Marco Blvd., 396-9222, pulpaddiction. com. Juice bar offers fresh juices, frozen yogurt, teas, coffees, 30 kinds of smoothies. $ TO B L D Daily TAVERNA, 1986 San Marco Blvd., 398-3005, tavernasan marco.com. Modern take on classic recipes with authentic Italian ingredients, seasonal produce and meats from local purveyors coexist on Chef Sam Efron’s menus. Regional craft beers, handcrafted cocktails. $$$ FB K TO R L D Daily

SOUTHSIDE

360° GRILLE, Latitude 360, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555, latitude360.com. F Seafood, steaks, burgers, chicken, sandwiches, pizza. Patio, movie theater. $$ FB TO L D Daily AKEL’S, 7077 Bonneval Rd., 332-8700. F SEE DOWNTOWN. ALHAMBRA Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., 641-1212, alhambrajax.com. Longest-running dinner theater. Chef DeJuan Roy’s themed menus. Reservations. $$ FB D Tue.-Sun. CASA MARIA, 14965 Old St. Augustine, 619-8186. SEE BEACHES. DICK’S Wings, 10750 Atlantic Blvd., 619-0954. SEE P.V. THE DIM SUM ROOM, 9041 Southside Blvd., Ste. 138D, 3639888, thedimsumroom.com. Shrimp dumplings, beef tripe, sesame ball. Traditional Hong Kong noodles, barbecue. $ FB K L D Daily European Street, 5500 Beach Blvd., 398-1717. SEE RIVERSIDE. HZ CAFE, 6426 Bowden Rd., Ste. 206, 527-1078. The healthy concept cafe serves juices smoothies, traditional vegan and vegetarian meals and vegan and gluten-free meals and desserts. $ K TO B L Mon.-Fri. LARRY’S SUBS, 3611 St. Johns Bluff S., 641-6499. 4479 Deerwood Lake Pkwy., 425-4060. F BOJ. SEE ORANGE PARK. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 9734 Deer Lake Ct., Ste. 1, 997-1955. F Bite Club. BOJ. SEE BEACHES. MONROE’s BarBQ, 10771 Beach Blvd., 996-7900. SEE RIVERSIDE. SEVEN BRIDGES Grille & Brewery, 9735 Gate Pkwy., 997-1999, 7bridgesgrille.com. F Local seafood, steaks, pizzas. Brewer Aaron Nesbit handcrafts ales, lagers. $$ FB K TO L D Daily TAVERNA YAMAS, 9753 Deer Lake Court, 854-0426, tavernayamas.com. F Bite Club. BOJ. Char-broiled kabobs, seafood, wines, desserts. Belly dancing. $$ FB K L D Daily TOMMY’S Brick Oven Pizza, 4160 Southside Blvd., Ste. 2, 565-1999, tbopizza.com. NY-style thin crust, brick-ovencooked pizzas (gluten-free), calzones, sandwiches made fresh to order. Boylan’s soda. Curbside pick-up. $$ BW TO L D Mon.-Sat. WATAMI ASIAN FUSION, 9041 Southside Blvd., Ste. 138D, 363-9888. AYCE sushi, plus two teppanyaki grill items. Faves: Jaguar, dynamite, lobster, soft-shell crab rolls. $ FB K L D Daily WORLD of BEER, 9700 Deer Lake Court, Ste. 1, 551-5929, worldofbeer.com. F Burgers, tavern fare, sliders,flatbreads, German pretzels, hummus, pickle chips. Craft German, Cali, Florida, Irish drafts. Wines. $$ BW L D Daily

SPRINGFIELD, NORTHSIDE

HOLA, 1001 N. Main St., 356-3100, holamexicanrestaurant. com. F Fajitas, burritos, enchiladas, daily specials. HH daily; sangria. $ BW K TO L D Mon.-Sat. LARRY’S, 12001 Lem Turner, 764-9999. SEE ORANGE PARK. SAVANNAH BISTRO, 14670 Duval Rd., 741-4404, cpjack sonvilleairport.com. F Low Country Southern fare, taste of Mediterranean and French. Crowne Plaza Airport. Crab cakes, NY strip, she crab soup, mahi mahi. $$$ FB K B L D Daily THE SHEIK, 2708 N. Main St., 353-8181. SEE ARLINGTON. UPTOWN MARKET, 1303 Main St. N., 355-0734, uptownmarketjax.com. Bite Club. In 1300 Building. Fresh quality fare, innovative breakfast, lunch and dinner; farm-totable selections, daily specials. $$ BW TO B L Daily

STARTING AUGUST 29TH Comedy Shows in

The Funny Bone Comedy Club at bestbet Orange Park

455 Park Avenue Orange Park, FL

More information 904.646.0001

Buy Tickets

bestbetjax.com/entertainment

AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 27

BITE-SIZED

(Next to Target)

$1 BEER • $2 WINE • $3 THREE OLIVES

Best BBQ

IN JACKSONVILLE

Winner Best BBQ Jax Truckies 2014

2 Locations Serving You 4838 Highway Ave. (904) 389-5551

10771 Beach Blvd. (904) 996-7900

Photos by Caron Streibich

QUITE THE CATCH

Upscale Ponte Vedra spot serves fresh seafood, steaks and friendly service

28 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014

amed for Vernon Kelly, a real estate developer who helped design the TPC Sawgrass golf course, Vernon’s offers an impressive menu and friendly service in a relaxed, sophisticated atmosphere perfect for commemorating a special occasion or just grabbing appetizers and a glass of wine. On the way to our table, we walked by an enticing display of fresh fish and lobster. Our Vernon’s dining experience began with a trip to the complementary self-serve chowder bar. Grab a three-compartment (genius!) bowl and ladle at your leisure. I loaded up with spicy Minorcan, a delightful crawfish-and-lobster bisque, and gator tail gumbo, which I topped with crunchy homemade oyster crackers. Each was a comfy, innovative way to start our meal. From the raw bar, I ordered a half-dozen raw Blue Point oysters ($13, or $6.50 from 5-7 p.m.). These plump beauties went down easy, accompanied by a tangy champagne mignonette and juicy lemon wedges. All of the appetizers were tempting, but the lobster strudel ($15), with boursin, lemon butter, chervil and truffles, stood out. With chunks of fresh lobster meat and a buttery, flaky crust, it wasn’t too rich or filling. There are no words to describe just how amazing it was; go experience it for yourself. Craving something fresh and green, we noted four salad choices on the menu. Our waiter recommended Vernon’s Salad ($9); great choice. It was a nice portion of Bibb lettuce topped with candied pecans, heirloom tomatoes, Asher blue cheese and dried cherries, tossed in a flavorful roasted

shallot vinaigrette and topped with a tangle of shoestring carrots. There’s an extensive selection of fresh fish and several steaks (fi let mignon, T-bone, New York strip, rib eye) from which to choose; we opted for two fresh catches: snapper with mashed potatoes (market price) and the signature pan-seared salmon ($28), atop fingerling potatoes and julienned sautéed squash with blueberry gastrique. I’d never thought about marrying blueberries and salmon, but it worked magnificently. Though we were eyeing the warm chocolate banana strudel with coconut gelato, our waiter informed us that the chef had a special dessert in store, as we’d made reservations and were celebrating our anniversary. We were greeted with an artfully plated trio of sweets — a gooey, rich chocolate molten cake with vanilla bean ice cream, a meringue-topped Key lime pie slice and two shooters of mango mousse topped with white chocolate and toasted coconut. From the appetizers to the fresh fish, Ponte Vedra has a shining star in Vernon’s. Caron Streibich biteclub@folioweekly.com facebook.com/folioweeklybitesized

Vernon’s, Sawgrass Marriott Golf Resort & Spa

1000 PGA Tour Blvd., Ponte Vedra, 280-3405

ASTROLOGY

NEWS OF THE WEIRD ALL WAR IS WEIRD, BUT THIS ISIS WAR ...

As summed up by a Vox.com writer: “The absurdity runs deep.” America uses American military equipment to bomb American military equipment that ISIS captured from Iraqi soldiers. America’s Kurdish allies, fighting ISIS, use inferior Russian weapons they captured in the 1980s. ISIS has a so-far-safer haven in Syria because America declined to arm moderate Syrian rebels, largely out of fear that radicals like the future ISIS would capture weapons America provided. “So now [America is] bombing the guns that [it] didn’t mean to give ISIS because [America] didn’t give guns to their enemies because then ISIS might get guns.”

SAY WHAT?

Thomas Clark, 28, of Crawley, England, beat a foreboding charge in July when he was acquitted of voyeurism even after admitting he’d hidden a video camera in a workplace rest room, despite evidence that he’d worked in pornography. Clark persuaded a Horsham Magistrates Court judge that he suffered an extreme phobia of diarrhea and vomit and that, by hiding the camera, he was thinking only of ascertaining that the rest room was clean before he entered.

GREAT PARENTING

Kayla McKenzie, 22, was charged with DUI in Bismarck, North Dakota, a condition that led her to crash into five vehicles or structures on Aug. 12 — with, according to police, three unsecured children in her car, including a year-old infant riding in her lap. Nonetheless, said the 0.252 blood-alcohol driver, “I look like a bad mother, but I’m not. I’m actually a really good mom.”

RAVE ON, DUDE

Rayvon Campos, 22, pleaded guilty in San Antonio in August to first-degree felony assault of his 1-month-old daughter that resulted in brain hemorrhaging. Nonetheless, he reassured the judge, “This is the first time I’ve ever been in trouble. ... I’m a real good dude.”

NEVER SAW IT

A fire hydrant at 393 University Ave. has brought in more parking ticket revenue (since 2008) than any other hydrant in Toronto — $289,620 on 2,962 violations, according to an August Toronto

Star report. While hydrants are usually located at curbside to facilitate fire-engine access, the one at 393 University Ave. was about 20 feet from the curb, in the middle of a sidewalk, obscured by a tree in a planter about 8 feet long. Nonetheless, the law’s wording treats the hydrant, for illegalparking and revenue-earning purposes, as if it were curbside.

COLBERT, UNICORNS & ERRORS

SOOTHING THE SAVAGE BEAST

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t just be smart and articulate. Dare to be wildly wise and prone to unruly observations. Don’t merely be kind and well-behaved. Explore mysteries of healing through benevolent mischief. Don’t buy into the all-too-serious trances. Break up the monotony with unpredictable play and funny curiosity. Don’t go along with the stories everyone seems to believe as if they were the Truth and the Way. Question every assumption, rebel against every foregone conclusion, propose amusing plot twists to send the narratives off on interesting tangents.

A woman hiking in Down Valley Park near Placerville, Colorado, told Denver’s KUSA-TV in August of her narrow escape from a mountain lion that had stalked her for a half-hour (crouching menacingly each time she attempted to retreat). At the closest point, recalled Kyra Kopestonsky, it was about 8 feet away. At that point, she told the reporter, “I don’t know why,” but “I just started singing opera really loud.” The mountain lion “sort of put its ears down and ... backed away.” Only then was she able to call a friend, who alerted rescuers.

POLICE REPORT

Arrest Him at Your Peril: In July, a jury in Brooklyn, New York, awarded Kevin Jarman, 50, $510,000 from the city for the broken ankle he suffered during his arrest for shoplifting in May 2011 (a charge to which he eventually pleaded guilty). Among his other New York City income: a $20,000 settlement for false arrest on a drug charge in 2013 and another, for $15,000, in 2005.

I WANT MY CABLE DAMMIT

Gloria Baca-Lucero, 48, was arrested in Albuquerque in July after allegedly holding a Comcast cable installer’s tool bag at gunpoint in her home. She said she believed her service call was free, but the installer told her otherwise, and she apparently decided to detain the tool bag.

ROAD RAGE? ROAD MURDER

German truck driver Michael Harry K., 58, went to trial in August in Wuerzburg, Bavaria, charged with firing a gun toward drivers more than 700 times in five years, displeased with their poor road habits. He never actually hit anyone (but police said he caused at least one serious injury by frightening a driver into a collision). Chuck Shepherd weirdnews@earthlink.net

Oops! We Goofed! Having absolutely nothing to do with Mercury being Retrograde, a renegade lunar eclipse, or

any other stew of heavenly omens, we mistakenly jumped ahead of ourselves with Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology columns. This is the one that should have run for Aug. 13. Rob knows which week is which; we had a small karmic conundrum. We sincerely hope you can forgive us. We’ll be back on track next week.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Breve orazione penetra, an old Italian idiom, is translated as “short prayers pierce” or “concise prayers penetrate.” Extrapolate from that to come up with the meaning that “God listens best to brief prayers.” Next week, apply this idea whenever you ask for anything, whether you’re seeking favors of the Divine Wow or the help of human beings. Know exactly what you want; express it with no-nonsense succinctness. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Every February, you go through a phase when it’s easier to see your life’s big picture. If you take advantage of this invitation, it’s like being on a mountaintop and gazing into the vastness. Every August, however, you’re more likely to see the details you’ve been missing. Transformations too small and subtle to notice may become visible. If you capitalize on this opportunity, it’s like peering through a microscope. A third variation: Around the full moons of February and August, you may be able to alternately peer into the microscope and simulate the mountaintop view. It’s about to happen. CANCER (June 21-July 22): You wouldn’t sip dirty water from a golden chalice, right? Nor would you swig delicious poison from a fine crystal wine glass or 10-year-old vinegar from a queen’s goblet. You’d much rather drink a magical elixir from a paper cup, a rejuvenating tonic from a chipped coffee mug or tasty medicine out of a kids’ plastic soup bowl you got at the thrift store. Don’t lie to yourself about what’s best for you. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Every 12 years, planet Jupiter spends about a year cruising through the sign of Leo. It’s with you now, and will be through early August 2015. What can you expect? EXPANSION! Great, right? Yes and no. You may love to have some parts of your life expand; others, not so much. Write down your intentions; something like: “I want Jupiter to help me expand my faith in myself, my power to do what I love and my ability to draw on resources and allies I need. I’ll prune my desires for things I don’t really need and cut back on involvement with things that don’t inspire me. I don’t want those to expand.” VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): TV comedian Stephen Colbert confesses his safeword is “pumpkin patch.” Does that mean he participates in actual BDSM rituals? Is it the codeword he says when he doesn’t want the intensity to increase, when he doesn’t want the next boundary crossed? I don’t know. He may be simply joking or speaking metaphorically. Whether or not you engage in literal BDSM, there’s an aspect of your life now with metaphorical resemblances to it. Do the equivalent of using your safeword soon. Nothing can be gained staying embroiled in your predicament. Even if it’s been interesting or educational up to now, it won’t be much longer. Escape your bondage.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you’re planning to hurl a thunderbolt, make sure you’re warmed up and at full strength before you unleash it. It’d be sad if you flung a half-assed thunderbolt that looked like a few fireflies and sounded like a cooing dove. Don’t interpret my wise-guy tone that I’m just kidding around. This is serious. Life is offering opportunities to make a major impression – be as forceful and wild as you need to be. Don’t tamp down energy for fear of hurting feelings. Access your inner sky god or goddess, and have fun expressing raw power. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In your dreams, you may travel to Stockholm, Sweden to accept a Nobel Prize, or Hollywood to pick up an Oscar. There’s a good chance that in your sleepy-time adventures you’ll finally score with the hot babe who rejected you in high school, or go to the scene of your biggest mistake and do things right this time. You might ride in a gold chariot in a parade held in your honor. But you’ll have to settle for less hoopla and glamour in your waking life. You’ll merely be doing a great job at tasks you usually do competently. You’ll be well-appreciated, well-treated and well-rewarded. Not too bad. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Lake Superior State University issues a “Unicorn Questing Privilege” to those interested in hunting for unicorns. Are you one? You may feel an urge like that in the weeks ahead. Unusual yearnings well up. Exotic fantasies replace habitual daydreams. Certain possibilities considered unthinkable or unattainable may begin to seem feasible. Questions you’ve been too timid to ask may be crucial to entertain. (Get Unicorn Questing License at http://tinyurl.com/unicornlicense.) CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your ethical code may soon be tested. What will you do if you see a chance to get away with a minor sin or petty crime no one will ever find out about? What if you’re tempted to lie, cheat or deceive to advance your good intentions and hurt others a little bit or not at all? Be honest about what’s really at stake. Even if you escape punishment for a lapse, you might still inflict a wound on your integrity that would taint your relationship with your creativity. Contemplate pleasures of purity and righteousness, and enhance your power. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “The thorn arms the roses,” goes an old Latin motto. Astrological omens suggest you’ll be wise to muse on that in the weeks ahead. How should you interpret it? Draw your own conclusions. A few hints: It may be that beauty needs protection or at least buffering. It’s possible you can’t simply depend on sincerity and good intentions, but need to infuse some ferocity into your efforts. For fragile, lovely things to do what they do best, the help of strong, hearty allies may be needed. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you go to an American doctor to be treated for an ailment, odds are he or she will interrupt you no more than 14 seconds into your description of what’s wrong. Do not tolerate this kind of disrespect in the days ahead – not from doctors or anyone. Request or, if necessary, demand the receptivity you deserve. If and when it’s given, speak your truth in its entirety. Express what’s been hidden and suppressed. Take responsibility for your role in any problems you discuss. Rob Brezsny freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com

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HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS (aka ISU Writers): The limit for ISU notices is 40 words ONLY. No messages with more than 40 words will be accepted. Please keep your message short & sweet. Thanks! STUNNING BLONDE NURSE Talked; bought you a drink upstairs. We seemed to connect. You showed me your driver license because I didn’t believe your age. Wish I’d written your name down; really want to talk. When: Aug. 22. Where: Salt Life St. Augustine. #1402-0827 PURPLE SCRUBS SAN MARCO You took my blood pressure, started asking me some questions, then a young doctor walked in. We started laughing at the tag-team questionnaire. I commented on your long hair. When: Aug. 19. Where: Academic Dermatology. #1401-0827

CLOWNFACE 7/20. You: Sitting with old guy. You called me “Chucklehead” and rode off on a red beach cruiser. Drop the relic and ride into the sunset with me. When: July 20. Where: Atlantic Beach Diner. #1389-0730

MR. CHEVY EQUINOX ISU wearing scrubs, driving an Equinox. I wore shorts, tank top; driving a black Chevy Tahoe, heading out of town for work. You asked about the Tahoe, what I did for a living. Love to chat more! When: Aug. 19. Where: Town Center Shell. #1400-0827

DERRICK ROSE LOOK-ALIKE You look soooo good. You: a mixed Derrick Rose look-alike. Me: Female, tall, thin former cashier @ Publix. I hate myself for letting you get away. Come find me. I wanna be wherever you are! When: July 6. Where: Publix Southside & Touchton. #1388-0730

BLONDE GIRL WHO CHECKS MAIL You walk by my office window checking mail, smoking electronic cigarettes. Not a fan of smoking but just might be a fan of you. Meet me at Wok n Roll Monday-Thursday for lunch. When: Routinely in Work Week. Where: Ponte Vedra. #1399-0827

AKEL’S BOY I see you a lot. Can we hang out sometime? You: Good-looking, short white dude with tattoo by your eye. Me: Cute, tall thin black female. Let’s do lunch at Akel’s or anywhere?! When: July 16. Where: July 16. #1387-0730

MEET FOR BEER You: Handsome guy, Yankee Coffin Co. T-shirt, jeans, behind me at register; our eyes met. Me: Curly blonde, jeans. Said hello as you left on motorcycle with I assume your son. If not single, no reply; you looked nice. When: Aug. 17. Where: European Street Jax Beach. #1398-0827 HOLDING AN UMBRELLA You: Sweet, standing under shelter helping people to cars during a thunderstorm. Me: Redhead desperate for shelter from the storm. You asked me what I did. You work at insurance agency. Call if you’d like to share your umbrella. When: Aug. 14. Where: Thrasher Horne Center. #1397-0820 RUNNING OUT OF MOONLIGHT ISU: Mavericks acoustic concert. We talked, you put your arm around me during two songs. Your friend said you wash your beard with long-term relationship Head & Shoulders. You make a cowboy hat look good ;). When: Aug. 13. Where: Mavericks at the Landing. #1396-0820 SUPERCUTE SECURITY GUARD Wanted to talk to you but you were already talking to another female when I was leaving. You: Supercute white security guard. Me: Cute, thin, chocolate-caramel female. Hoping you and I get a chance to talk. When: Aug. 12. Where: Main Library. #1395-0820 NAVY FATIGUES & ME You: A tall gorgeous clean-cut guy in your Navy uniform waiting on your coffee at Starbucks. Me: A shy long-haired Native American princess waiting on her breakfast dessert. Why aren’t you on the menu? When: Aug. 7. Where: 1604 Margaret St. #1394-0813 WALMART CHECKOUT, ST. AUGUSTINE You: Tall handsome gentleman wearing cowboy boots, jeans & white shirt. On a Monday, we chatted about your pool chlorine and my grapes. Me: Petite, long red hair. New to area, would love to connect. When: Aug. 4. Where: St. Augustine Walmart. #1393-0813

I SAW U Connection Made! J.B. WITH A PLAIN NAME TAG You have a good smile. I tried to flirt back; maybe next time I see you I can give you my phone number. Me: Redhead in bright lime green workout tank. When: Aug. 4. Where: Panera@Beach/Hodges. #1392-0813 ANGEL WITH A BOARD You: Black bikini, tan, long hair, carrying surfboard, smiled at me. Me: In a complicated relationship; just wanted to tell you, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve seen in a long time. Thanks for the smile. When: Aug. 6. Where: Jax Beach Pier parking lot. #1391-0813

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FLYING IGUANA CLASSY LADY You: Professional-looking classy lady (realtor?) with gold name tag on left jacket lapel at bar’s north end with male and female friends. Me: Silver-headed fox, in booth with buddy behind you at Iguana last Friday. When: July 25. Where: Flying Iguana. #1390-0806

I SAW U Connection Made!

WHO KNEW SCRUBS WERE HOT? You: Looking fine in navy-blue scrubs. Sweet smile assisting doctor at my appointment. Your laugh was so hot. Me: Firsttime patient; I’ll get sick more if it means seeing you. Let’s meet July 26, Carrie Underwood concert Budzone. When: July 17. Where: Doctor’s office. #1386-0723

I SAW U Connection Made! HOT BAR GUY ISU at the Ritz, Jax Beach. You: Watching basketball game with your friends. White V-neck, tattoos. I was with two friends. I have long blonde hair, wearing black tank top. Made eye contact, never talked. When: May 31. Where: Ritz Bar. #1385-0716 LATE NIGHT NOSH You: Red shirt, brown hair, glasses; looking at your cellphone. Me: Gray shirt, running shorts; reading a book. Both of us singing to same song. Our eyes met once or twice. Wished you joined me. When: July 9. Where: Regency Steak ’N Shake. #1384-0716 BUSINESS BRUNCH CONNECTION You: 20-something blue-eyed blonde budding professional, great teeth. Me: 74-year-old professional supervisor; looks 20 years younger – bald but burly! I saw your silent amazement when I said we were soulmates. Call; throw professional boundaries to the wind! When: July 2. Where: Mimi’s Café. #1383-0716 SEXY PANHANDLER You: Sweet, sweaty old guy panhandling for spare change on a hot day. Me: Mousey-haired, 30-year-old in gray primered, Bondo’d Hyundai. Your rheumy eyes seemed to be asking me for more than spare change... call me! When: July 4. Where: Corner Kernan & Beach. #1382-0709 STUNNING SLICE SLINGER ISU bouncing around Al’s Pizza. You: Tall blonde bartender serving drinks and slinging slices. Me: Dark, dredded, lurking afar. Next time, come out so I can give you a slice of me! When: June 28. Where: Al’s Pizza, Ponte Vedra. #1381-0709 SPORTING GOODS Me: Tall, shorts/shirt, red hair, red SUV. You: Taller, handsome, shorts/T-shirt, orange-shirted friend; huge white lifted truck. You smiled; should’ve talked then and behind you in line. Maybe Navy boys? Forgive me for being chicken. :) When: July 2. Where: Academy Sports, Kernan. #1380-0709

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Mad Movie Mania

78 Letters of transit? 79 Red Sea port 80 Part of QED 81 Get the short end 82 Mad spoof of a Warren Beatty film? 87 Bond-film foe ACROSS 89 Don of talk 1 Scarred skipper 90 River lurker 5 Cart part 91 Bridge-gap insert 10 In the least 92 Word with dog or 14 “No kidding!” elephant 18 Catches, as calves 93 Mad spoof of a Charlton 20 TV theme composer Heston film? Hagen (he’s also the one 100 Canine cap whistling on The Andy 101 Formal decree Griffith Show) 102 Mustard, for one 21 Phony’s intro 103 Fictional fiend 22 Hero’s intro 104 Actor Clive 23 Mad spoof of a Tippi 105 Mad spoof of a Tom Hedren film? Hanks film? 25 Some feds 110 Epps of House, M.D. 26 City on the Rhone 111 Mediocre writer 27 Sauce staple 112 Cruise worry 28 Sad sounds 113 The Merry Widow 29 One way to read composer 30 Mad spoof of a Harrison 114 Unites Ford film? 35 With 2 Down, a Homeric 115 Certain bank deposits 116 A hurried state cry 117 Lens holders 36 Weight room unit 37 PBS supporter DOWN 38 Tennis term 1 Pet sound 39 Lend credence (to) 2 See 35 Across 41 Mad spoof of a Robert 3 Letters in car ads Redford film? 4 Henry’s Jezebel co-star 48 Judge 5 Online program 49 Blanked, with “out” 6 Part of Hispaniola 50 Cabaret co-star 7 Foul-up 51 Halloween, for one 8 Ragtime auth. 52 Mad spoof of a Clint 9 Guitar innovator Paul Eastwood film? 10 Lowe or Gere, for 57 Journalist Ezra example 59 Speed reader? 11 Drawn fawn 60 Item in a pack? 12 Scratched the surface? 61 Spooky or kooky 13 Huge amount 62 Mad spoof of a Sharon 14 Jug units Stone film? 15 Where the joke might be 67 Foaming mugful 16 Bar choice 68 Awfully long span 17 Word with quarters 69 No-brainer course 19 Smiths, at times 70 Moth-eaten 24 Kelly the clown 71 Mad spoof of a Kevin 28 Night sight Costner film?

I’ve long been a Mad magazine movie spoof fan, especially the titles: Bored of the Rings, On Olden Pond, etc. Forthwith, some of my faves.

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29 It has billions 30 Count ___ 31 Shuttle destination 32 In the summer, on the Somme 33 Broadcast pt. 34 Envelope-pushing 35 Arabian arroyo 40 Dubai, for one 41 Birch of American Beauty 42 O’Hare, for one 43 Florida avian 44 “Rules ___ rules” 45 Case load? 46 Devoted 47 Bible bk. 49 Legato’s opposite: abbr. 53 Spiteful 54 Portrayer of Carmela and Jackie 55 Memorable Robin Hood 56 The second sequel 57 Somalia neighbor 58 Winsome 61 Birthday secret 62 Modeling wood 63 TV host Gibbons 64 “Who’s on First” guy 65 Adjusted to, as a thermostat 66 Bumpkin’s lack 67 Bound (along) 70 “Whazzat?” N E U R A L

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71 Beach battles 72 1970s TV western, ___ Ramsey 73 Archaic forest 74 Agent Gold on Entourage 75 Two Women Oscar winner 76 Writing assignment 77 Very, in German 79 Lacking wiggle room 83 TV fans 84 Single-named supermodel 85 In order 86 Scientist ___ Ho Lee 87 Must, in legalese 88 Olive Oyl, in Popeye’s words 91 “Out with it!” 93 “Go ahead, ask.” 94 Surfer wannabe 95 Dorothy, to Em 96 Bosox foes 97 Misteaks? 98 Courage 99 Part of FSBO 100 Eats 104 “Well, well, well!” 105 Bat wood 106 Mom-and-pop org. 107 4 on a phone 108 An hour after midnight 109 School basics, the ___

Solution to Celebrity Food Fight I T H A C A

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32 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 2, 2014