Folio Weekly 03/12/14 by Folio Weekly

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Stop sucking (water), you guys by Audreyonna Banks and Ron Word Page 12

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CONTENTS // MARCH 12-18, 2014 • VOLUME 27 • NUMBER 50

EDITOR’S NOTE On Courage

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22 MAIL CRIME CITY NEWS SPORTSTALK

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COVER STORY OUR PICKS MUSIC THE KNIFE

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MOVIES ARTS DINING BITE-SIZED

29 ASTROLOGY I SAW YOU CROSSWORD BACKPAGE

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mdryden@folioweekly.com / ext. 131 CARTOONISTS Tom Tomorrow CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Rob Brezsny, Daniel A. Brown, John E. Citrone, Hal Crowther, Julie Delegal, Katie Finn, AG Gancarski, Nicholas Garnett, Claire Goforth Reed, S. Carson Howell, Dan Hudak, Shelton Hull, Amanda Long, Heather Lovejoy, Nick McGregor, Bonnie Mulqueen, Kara Pound, Chuck Shepherd, Merl Reagle, Melody Taylor, P.F. Wilson and Abigail Wright EDITORIAL INTERNS Audreyonna Banks, Travis Crawford and Amal Kamal

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f you squint just right, you can start to make out a pattern. Last year, Jacksonville faced a budget crisis. Mayor Alvin Brown dropped on the City Council, those poor bastards, $61 million in proposed cuts to balance the ledger, more than half of which he didn’t bother specifying. Had Councilmembers gone along with it, the results would have been disastrous: hundreds of laid-off cops and firefighters, closed libraries and parks, etc. But Brown knew they wouldn’t. The Council did the heavy lifting, the ugly and necessary thing. And Alvin Brown washed his hands of the Council’s property tax hike. This year, Jacksonville faces a pension crisis. The police and fire pension alone is $1.7 billion in the red. Everyone who looks at the math realizes you can’t make it work without revenue, and that means another tax hike. Everyone except Alvin Brown, who wants to raid JEA for $40 million a year — without the utility raising its rates. Maybe JEA will go along and figure out a way to forestall rate increases — at least, if I’m being cynical, until after next year’s election — but at some point we’re going to have to pay the piper. (There’s no such thing as free money.) Or it will again be incumbent upon the City Council to do the heavy lifting, and Mayor Brown will again wash his hands of the tough decisions. That’s not leadership. It’s cowardice. The mayor has made a no-newtaxes pledge the centerpiece of both his administration and re-election campaign, the Rubicon he will not cross even as the realities of the day dictate its necessity. But this mentality — pervasive long before Brown took office — is holding this city back. Jacksonville is hardly suffocating under an oppressive tax regime. (I spent three years in the People’s Republic of Philadelphia, where I learned about wage taxes and business privilege taxes and permits you had to purchase to park on your own block. This isn’t that. Not even close.) A new report out last week, in fact, ranked Jacksonville as having the sixth-lowest tax burden in the nation. This isn’t a good thing, as a look through the Jacksonville Community Council Inc.’s quality-of-life indicators demonstrates: 25 percent of our children live in poverty; mass transit is abysmal, and biking just about anywhere means taking your life in your hands; high school graduation rates, while improving, are too low, and too few adults have college degrees; Downtown still has too few residents, too much vacant office space and too little in the way of vibrant retail and nightlife. The cities that will thrive in the 21st century aren’t those that embrace cheapness as a virtue, but those that invest in themselves, that turn themselves into places where young, innovative people actually want to live, that have educated workforces and healthy environments and tolerant, diverse populations. (To wit: Philly, for all the griping about taxes, is resurgent.) We can build that here. But doing so takes courage, a willingness to own up to our shortcomings and tackle them head-on, rather than politicians telling people what they want to hear to get through the next campaign. I’ve been here only a few months, so I hope that I’m wrong, but the pattern I’m seeing from Alvin Brown doesn’t bode well. Jeffrey C. Billman twitter/jeffreybillman jbillman@folioweekly.com

MAIL

Another Day in Paradise

This is my first time ever emailing Folio Weekly, but I could not resist your line, “You live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Act like it” [The Outdoors Issue, Feb. 26]. I wish everyone would, and appreciate what we have. I can't tell you how many times my wife and I say, “Just another day in paradise!" Did you see a week or so ago where they listed the five best states to live and North Dakota was No. 1? If you gave me $10 million to move from here to North Dakota, I'd still be here in paradise. — Thomas Jensen

Haven’t Sold Our Souls

I want to commend you and your paper on the article written by A.G. Gancarski [Sportstalk, “Field of Schemes,” March 5] regarding the wasteful use of Clay County taxpayer dollars for the Bad Dreams League project. Your paper is the only one that has not sold its soul to those who advocate the project by pimping it to the uninformed public! — Tom Platt

The High Cost of Underfunding

According to the most recent Unites States Census Bureau data, Florida ranks 42nd in the United States in per capita public school spending. We spend $8,887 per student, well below the national average of $10,559. The idea that our students are receiving less money in the classroom [for materials and teacher salaries] than virtually every other student in the entire country should provoke anger and outrage. Sadly, some parents are more outraged by what Miley Cyrus wears at an awards show than the fact that their children are being robbed in the classroom on a daily basis. This is not a case of fiscal mismanagement or impropriety. Florida just doesn’t bring in enough revenue to keep up with the rest of America’s schools. The national per-student revenue average is $12,410, compared to $10,031 for each student in Florida. Florida spends about $2,000 less each year on each student because we receive about $2,000 less per student each year from the state and federal governments than other states do. Since we know that Florida is near the bottom of the national list in per student spending, we can’t be surprised that we're also in the basement in all major categories of student achievement. A 2012 report from the U.S. Department of Education indicates that only five states in

America have worse overall graduation rates than Florida's. More specifically, Florida does an atrocious job of educating those students who need it most. We graduate only 60 percent of lowincome students; that's one of the lowest in the United States. South Dakota is at the top of this list, and it graduates 86 percent of its poor students. Without a decent education, it's almost impossible for these students to rise out of poverty. Grievously, most of those poor students turn into poor adults. Florida’s poverty rate, 15.6 percent, is well above the U.S. average. Because people living in poverty are likely to need government assistance, these programs cost the taxpayers billions every year. Wouldn’t it be smarter to spend a little more money up front, educating our students, than to cheat them now and wind up supporting them when they're adults and can’t afford to support themselves? Florida is spending money, just not on our students. According to the Department of Corrections, Florida spends $17,973 a year on each state prison inmate. We spend more than twice as much each year on our inmates ($17,973) as we do our students ($8,887). And we certainly do not mind spending money on football. Florida State University football coach Jimbo Fisher was paid $2.75 million last year. The head coach of the University of Florida Gators, Will Muschamp, hauled in $2.73 million. It seems peculiar that Duval County can afford to spend $275,000 annually to pay the superintendent, but less than $9,000 per year on a student. Floridians have to start making better decisions to ensure that our children are educated properly. This means electing only candidates who have a proven record of bringing in money for schools, along with a specific, realistic plan to increase Florida’s school spending. This also means putting intense pressure on those already elected. Florida has an obligation to invest more money in education; we can’t afford what will happen if we don’t. — Andrew J. Carswell

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CRIME CITY

The Red Queen & the Knave of Hearts

Go forr the jugular, come up empty

“O

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ff with his head!” shouted state attorney Angela Corey, the Red Queen, after she declared she’d prosecute Michael Dunn a second time for Murder One. The first jury hung, or choked, on whether the rage triggered by raunchy rap and some “fuck you”s was sufficient to constitute premeditation in the shooting death of Jordan Davis. “Off with his head!” echoed Seventh Circuit State Attorney R.J. Larizza. The Knave of Hearts, he stole Corey’s tarts by charging Christopher Fries with Murder One after he shot Paul Crookshank in a beery brawl outside the Giggling Gator, a louche lounge somewhere between St. Augustine’s Bridge of Lions and the Road to Perdition. Corey’s prosecution of Dunn was incompetent, as the learned Larizza’s will be, because both are overcharging their defendants. Murder One requires premeditation, defined thusly by the Florida Supreme Court: “ ‘Killing with premeditation’ is killing after consciously deciding to do so. … The law does not fix the exact period of time that must pass between the formation of the premeditated intent to kill and the killing. The period of time must be long enough to allow reflection by the defendant.” Do prosecutors think enough time elapsed between the “fuck” and the “you” of the Dunn case to constitute premeditation? Do they think, in the Fries case, that the moment between the smack of the haymaker and the splat of butt on asphalt was long enough for any meditation, pre- or non-? In the vapor of law school seminars, where angels dance on pinheads splitting hairs, it’s clever to argue the existence of “instantaneous premeditation.” Try selling that to a jury. As annoying as prosecutors’ soap-operatic flourishes (weeping relatives, TV-camera indignation) is their practice of presenting a jury with a smorgasbord of frequently unappetizing charges. Corey indicted Dunn for first-degree murder, second-degree murder, manslaughter, attempted murder, attempted manslaughter, launching a deadly missile …. I don’t know where the list ended. Expelling bad breath onto a law enforcement officer? Disrespecting an official shoeshine? No wonder the jury hung. They might have reasonably concluded that the prosecutor did not herself know which charge was appropriate. Juries are usually sequestered during highprofile trials, which means they’re locked away

under guard in whichever scrofulous hostelry will accept late payment from stingy court clerks. Bailiffs confiscate every medium, printed or electronic, that might deliver news and views. Even Gideon Bibles, with their modicum of comfort, are taken, lest some juror detect divine hints as to innocence or guilt among the mysterious anagrams in Psalms. Understandably, jurors often arrive in court less than chipper. They can get annoyed when prosecutors, who earn six figures, ask them to sort capital and non-capital charges, for their court-sanctioned $15 per day. In these two cases, the Murder One charge offends a jury’s common sense. Neither Dunn

Pistols are for killing, not for gentle persuasion of discourteous youth. nor Fries is a cold-blooded murderer who plotted and planned. Both are hot-blooded fools who shot first and then pondered — briefly or never — what they were doing. For these defendants, manslaughter is an appropriate charge because the state need prove only that the killing was intentional. Given that the accused pulled gats and squeezed triggers, intentionality is self-evident. Pistols are made for killing, not for gentle persuasion of discourteous youth or bumptious barflies. The objective of outrageous prosecution is political, not judicial. Elliott Spitzer, ex-New York governor, showed the way to higher office. As attorney general, he indicted Wall Street titans before tangled microphones in hot network klieg lights, then diverted attention when defendants were acquitted or charges tossed by furious judges. He was headed for the White House until he was caught fornicating in knee socks with the luscious ladies of a Manhattan madam. (Note to Larizza: That car-salesman moustache must go. What sells is a well-barbered chin thrust Spitzer-like toward the lens.) Before the next election, we’ll know if the voters, or the governor, have tired of the prosecutorial horseplay of the Red Queen and her Knave. Until then, appropriate prosecution of bloody killings will vanish, like the Cheshire Cat’s smile, into the injusticiable chaos Of Crime City. Wes Denham mail@folioweekly.com

NEWS BUZZ core, and property tax abatements for commercial and office developments. There are other elements, too – a mix of the intriguing and the obvious: better lighting, more public art, events at Hemming Plaza, two-way streets, homeless assistance, formally branding The Elbow as The Elbow (and not “E-Town,” which we can all agree is hideous), redeveloping The Landing, removing the old Courthouse and City Annex buildings, figuring out what the hell to do with The Shipyards, etc. The bigger pieces are conceptual, planned for early next decade; the smaller ones would begin almost immediately. “There’s so much that’s about to happen,” says Jen Jones, executive director of Jacksonville Unity Plaza and a DIA volunteer, and we really, really want to believe her.

The Power of the Purse

The Perpetual Cusp Don’t look now, but Downtown may well be on the cusp of something special. Yeah, we know, Jacksonville has been on that cusp of whatever for decades. (As former Mayor Tommy Hazouri quipped to us, “The cusp is getting rusty.”) But we really mean it this time. Maybe. If everything goes to plan. The good news is, there actually is a plan, and it’s actually pretty solid. Only the people behind it don’t like that word, “plan.” Downtown Jacksonville has seen too many plans from too many people, one every few years, it seems, and they all seem to peter out. “This is real. This is not another plan. This will not fail. We are moving for real,” says Lara Diettrich, a former city planner turned planning consultant. That plan, or strategy, or whatever you want to call it, is encapsulated in two Downtown Investment Authority draft documents – the Community Redevelopment Plan and the Business Investment and Development Plan (BID) – that circulated among Downtown movers and shakers ahead of this week’s World Class Jax meeting, after which the plan will be opened for public comment and then sent to the City Council for approval. The legislative process could begin as early as next month. Before we dive in, some background: In the early ’80s, Downtown had three community redevelopment areas, or CRAs, two on the Northbank (which were later consolidated) and one on the Southbank. These CRAs are funded by what’s called tax incremental financing (TIF) – in effect, promoting redevelopment by leveraging the increased future property tax revenues that will come from the redevelopment. (Think of it like using a magnifying glass to harness the sun’s energy and spark a fire.) These CRAs and their affiliated TIF trust funds have spurred some projects over the years, but there’s never been a sort of grand unified vision for Downtown. Meanwhile, mayors and their Downtown revitalization plans came and went – and, if we’re being honest, Downtown wasn’t always that high a priority. But that’s changed now. In 2012, the City Council created the DIA, one central agency to coordinate and streamline the various Downtown initiatives. And last year, the DIA recruited Aundra Wallace from the Detroit Land Bank Authority to be its first CEO – essentially, the city’s Downtown guru, an overlord at least somewhat removed from the whims of politicians. Wallace’s mission is to turn the eons of

talk into palpable, tangible action, stuff we can see, and sooner rather than later. Which brings us to those two documents. The Community Redevelopment Plan is long and technical, and basically consolidates all of the existing schemes associated with the CRAs and TIF trust funds. The more exciting document is the BID, which lays out a specific strategy with specific timeframes for Downtown redevelopment. Long story short: The DIA wants to create incentives and tax breaks to lure developers and businesses and homeowners into the urban core. (This is hardly a novel idea. The real question is why is Jacksonville so far behind so many other places.) This includes grants to property or business owners who want to renovate or build Downtown retail space, down payment assistance for employees of Downtown businesses who relocate to the urban

In what is surely not any sort of quid pro quo – more like a very generous thank-you card – last week Jaguars owner Shad Khan became the largest single donor ($50,000!) to Mayor Alvin Brown’s re-election campaign, less than a year after Brown pushed through a deal for taxpayer-funded ($43 million!) ginormous scoreboards at EverBank Field, which is assuredly much more important to the city’s wellbeing than, say, libraries or whatever. We don’t have anything against Khan (and we love the ’stache, which is 100 percent boss). He’s doing what rich people do – using his wealth to help friendly politicians. It’s not just Khan, after all: Brown’s Taking Jacksonville to the Next Level committee has also taken in $30,000 from attorney (and former state rep) Steve Pajcic, $25,000 from his law firm, Pajcic & Pajcic, and another $25,000 from attorney Wayne Hogan – including Khan’s donation, that’s more than a third of Brown’s $310,000 war chest (as of February) from just a few people. Nor do we fault Brown. His opponents will surely have their own mega donors, and you don’t bring a knife to a gunfight, not if you want to survive. What we object to is a system in which it’s totally cool and normal for candidates to use political committees to legally accept unlimited amounts of dough from rich people, who may or may not want something in return. Like, you know, a new scoreboard. — Jeffrey C. Billman

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NEWS

THE OLDEST? Since 1918, the St. Augustines Historical Society has claimed this as the city’s oldest house, but the dates and stories about its history have changed, says historian David Nolan.

The Fake History of St. Augustine

As the Oldest City nears its 450th birthday, we break down what’s real and what’s, well, not so much

n the HBO series Assume the Position, which ran in 2006 and 2007, comedian and actor Robert Wuhl told us, “History is a wonderful thing, if only it were true.” St. Augustine, as it prepares to celebrate the 450th anniversary of its founding by Pedro Menéndez de Avilés next year, has a number of truly historic structures, from the massive Spanish-built fort and the towering spires of Flagler College to its historic churches, priceless archives of the Catholic diocese and the city’s Spanish, British, Minorcan and American heritage. “St. Augustine is an authentic historic city — but the temptation is to gussy it up, stretch the truth, to fake the buildings, all in the interest of squeezing an extra dollar out of tourists,” says David Nolan, a local historian and author of several books on St. Augustine. Indeed, history is big business in the Oldest City. About 8 million tourists visited St. Augustine in fiscal year 2013, spending a collective $750 million. As the birthday celebration nears, tourism development officials expect those numbers to grow. In surveys, 31 percent of the city’s visitors listed history and culture as the most important factors in their decision to visit. But how much of this history and culture is real, and how much is fable? Let’s peel back the cover and look at the truth of St. Augustine.

The Fountain of Youth

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One of the best-known fables of Florida history is the landing of Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon and his search for the mythical Fountain of Youth. Ponce de Leon’s Fountain of Youth Archaeological Park sums up the tale throughout its 15-acre campus on the edge of downtown St. Augustine, and functions as a kind of one-stop for Florida history. After paying a $12 admission fee, you reach the first structure, the Fountain of Youth Spring House. It is there, along with a life-size diorama of a conquistador, presumably Juan Ponce, and some naked Timucuan Indians (which have, weirdly, huge breasts and no

nipples), that you can dip a plastic cup under a spigot and take a sip of the magical Fountain of Youth water, which in fact tastes of metal and sulfur. (State records show that it’s a privately owned water system that gets tested twice a week.) If one swig isn’t enough, the park’s gift shop will be happy to sell you a bottle. Visitors can then stroll through a flock of peacocks to the statue of Ponce de Leon placed on a stone monument on the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, conveniently located about 100 yards from the springs. Historians agree there is little evidence that Ponce landed here or that he was looking for a fountain “that turned men into boys” and cured sexual impotence. “Once somebody has invested money based on a tall tale, they have a vested interest in continuing that, despite any historic evidence to the contrary,” Nolan says. Historians have a hard time agreeing where

Many “historic” buildings were constructed 50 years ago to celebrate the city’s 400th anniversary. on Florida’s East Coast Ponce actually landed on April 3, 1513. In addition to the one at the Fountain of Youth site, another Ponce statue, with a plaque that states the explorer landed “near this site, 1513,” sits in downtown St. Augustine near the Bridge of Lions. Two other locations are also vying for the recognition. New statues have been erected in the last year near Guana Tolomato Matanzas Reserve and south of Cape Canaveral, each declaring it as the actual site of Ponce’s arrival. “It is my considered opinion that we will never know exactly where Ponce landed,” says Sam Turner, director of archaeology at the Lighthouse Archaeological Maritime Program in St. Augustine. Turner tends to believe the compass reading taken on April 2, 1513, by Ponce’s crew is a “true reading” and “does not suffer from a degree-and-a-half error.” In other words, the Guana River site. Michael Gannon, a University of Florida

history professor and a St. Augustine expert, wrote in The New History of Florida (1996), “The most recent study contends that they were at a point just south of Cape Canaveral, probably near Melbourne Beach, where they anchored in eight brazes (44 feet) of water.” Meanwhile, University of Florida archaeologist Dr. Kathleen Deagan, who has been digging for five decades in St. Augustine, believes she has found the location of a 1565 camp built by Pedro Menéndez de Avilés, the bloodthirsty founder of St. Augustine. In 1565, Menendez’ troops wiped out the French stockade of Fort Caroline near present-day Jacksonville, and then later rounded up, captured and executed a hurricane-ravaged and shipwrecked French crew. The killing area, south of St. Augustine, is now called Matanzas, meaning “place of slaughter.” More than four centuries later, the St. Johns County School District named a high school after Menéndez.

The Slave Market

The plaza right in the middle of downtown St. Augustine has gone by several names: the Public Market, the Plaza de la Constitución, the Slave Market. Today it contains monuments to the Spanish constitution of 1812, as well as to the American war dead of the Civil War, World War II, the Korean War and the Vietnam War. But it has a much darker past. Though the city’s fathers long tried to deny it, humans were bought and sold here.

The Oldest Whatever

“I have learned over the years to be very suspicious every time I heard the words ‘first,’

‘only’ or ‘oldest’ here,” Nolan says. “They tend to be influenced not by history, but [by] an eye toward profit in the tourist market.” A century ago, he says, three houses competed to be the oldest in town. Then, the St. Augustine Historical Society acquired all three, closed down two and, in 1918, proclaimed the

the facts as true lovers of history can establish from meager historical records as priceless traditions handed down from father to son.” Reynolds, whose papers are held at the University of Florida in Gainesville, wrote that St. Augustine’s “extensive and flourishing system of faking has been developed to coax

“Once somebody has invested money based on a tall tale, they have a vested interest in continuing that, despite any historic evidence to the contrary.” third the winner. “Since 1918 [the Historical Society] has run the surviving one as a tourist attraction, telling different stories over the generations as to its age and history.” In 1921, writer Charles Bingham Reynolds wrote a piece for Mr. Foster’s Travel Magazine on the “Fakes of St. Augustine,” complaining about the alleged age of the oldest house on Francis Street. Back then, the Society claimed Franciscan monks built the home out of coquina in 1565, the year of St. Augustine’s founding. There are three fairly major problems with this story: Franciscan monks did not arrive there for many years, coquina wasn’t used as a building material until 1580 and the original city was north of its current location. Reynolds’ story set off a firestorm in St. Augustine. The Historical Society refused to dignify his “alleged slanderous article” and claimed that it was “the belief of the St. Augustine Historical Society members that the dates and data it sets forth are right and correct, cannot be disproved, and are as near

the coin from the winter tourist.” The current oldest house, the GonzálezAlvarez structure, is the oldest Spanish colonial dwelling in Florida. The site has been occupied since the 1600s, and the present building dates back to the early 1700s, according to the St. Augustine Historical Society.

‘Historic’ Buildings

The city’s most well-known historic district is situated along St. George Street. T-shirts, pirate hats, jewelry, art, ice cream, souvenirs and ghost tours are sold in buildings frequented by tourists. As Nolan puts it, “Ghosts and pirates run amok, facts take a back seat.” Many “historic” buildings lining St. George Street were not constructed several centuries ago, as the casual visitor is led to believe, but 50 years ago to celebrate the city’s 400th anniversary. City records, in fact, show that only four of the 31 structures built in the historic area are truly old. Most of the others

were constructed in 1965 on 18th-century foundations. Nonetheless, small plaques affixed to the fronts of the buildings give the name of the original owner, the year it existed, and then the words “recognized as a restored colonial structure by the city of St. Augustine.” Robin Moore, St. Johns County’s historic resources coordinator, says the county uses the guidelines set up by the National Register of Historical Places as a framework to assess its old buildings: These buildings must be 50 years old or older, be associated with important people or the site of a historical event, or have yielded or are likely to yield archaeological information. In 2008, UF developed a strategic plan to restore the St. Augustine historic properties at the request of the Florida Legislature. Since then, UF has taken over management of about 50 historic properties and is working to redevelop them as they once appeared. In 2010, using $65,000 of state funding, the university completed a partial restoration of 13 historic buildings, followed by another 13 in 2011, 10 in 2012 and three in 2013. Many of these restored buildings are now tourist hubs — souvenir and T-shirt shops, restaurants, cafés and the like — which, in their own ways, embody the city’s two schools of thought on its own historicity: One school, Nolan says, “sees the Ancient City as having the responsibility for preserving history and being a history teacher-at-large to the state, nation and world. The other feels that their primary goal was to strip money from tourists as they stopped briefly in town on their way to Disney World.” Ron Word rword@folioweekly.com

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SPORTSTALK

The Big Nothing

Sorry, Jags fans. Don’t expect much from this year’s free agent pool

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ime was, I was really excited about NFL free agency (which began this week), the way fans are. That led to some columns that are, in retrospect, hilarious, like this absolute gem from 2008: “I know deep down within that the decision to sign Jerry Porter was the right move. Matt Jones and Reggie Williams have flashed real potential, to be sure. But Jerry Porter has a different gear than either of those guys is capable of delivering. And a different rep; he will draw double coverage, and David Garrard will take advantage of it.” LOL? LOL! The only thing Jerry Porter drew was a check from the Weavers — great observation there, in a column that also gushed about the signing of Drayton Florence. So when it comes to free agency, I’ve learned that, sometimes, the best way forward is to avoid the big splashy moves. This year’s free agency pool illustrates that all too well. Those who expect silver bullets are better off taking their chances with a can of Coors. One thing I’ve noticed about the current class is that so many of the most attractive candidates are recent Jags. Linebacker Daryl Smith and offensive tackle Eugene Monroe — both on the Ravens’ roster at the end of last year — are available for reacquisition. As well, Maurice Jones-Drew, whose performance has been widely discussed and often derided by fans and media alike, is one of the best tailbacks in the ’14 pool. What does that say? For starters: Maybe the Jags were too quick to cut bait on Smith or Monroe. Maybe the team needs to bring back MJD on a short deal with heavy incentives. There just isn’t a lot to get excited about, as a position-by-position breakdown makes clear. Quarterback, for example, offers little that’s an upgrade even from Chad Henne — whom the Jaguars re-signed last week to a two-year, $8 million contract. Busted-up-and-old Michael Vick is the biggest name — and as the Eagles learned last year, he didn’t have much tread left on the tires. Beyond those, a lot of has-beens and never-weres. Running back is another marquee position

where the talent does not overwhelm. The guy with the most upside, Raiders’ former “franchise” back Darren McFadden, has a Reggie Bush propensity to do really well for a few games, then end up on the injured list for the rest of the year. Rashad Jennings, a former Jag who didn’t do much here, likewise is a candidate. Other than those guys, players like LeGarrette Blount and Ahmad Bradshaw are available. Hardly exciting. Wide receiver may be a different story. Eric

There just isn’t a lot to get excited about. Decker and Andre Caldwell are on deck from Denver’s AFC championship roster. Bigger frames — Hakeem Nicks, Plaxico Burress — are there if you need them. Again, though, there isn’t a lot to hyperventilate about. If I were to sign one (and given the Justin Blackmon situation, I would), it’d probably be Decker, though I wouldn’t be thrilled about it. There is one guy I might get worked up over: Jimmy Graham, the Saints’ tight end, is up for grabs as a restricted free agent. There are folks who think the price is too high — two firstround picks to New Orleans for the right to sign him. But if you’ve got a player like that at hand, you might as well make the play rather than settling for a more mediocre, less-proven option, then hoping for the best. Given the cap room the Jags have and the fungible value of draft picks (even first-rounders can be busts, as we know), why the hell not? Not much else out there. And they obviously need bodies for the offensive line since Uche Nwaneri was cut last week. The Jags are going to build through the draft and will pick up parts late in free agency, as it should be. The first wave of free agents definitely underwhelms. Maybe other teams will offer more appealing talent later, but given the realities at play, I doubt David Caldwell is counting on it. AG Gancarski twitter/aggancarski mail@folioweekly.com

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 11

And your Water Hogs for the Year of Our Lord 2013 are … drumroll, please …

Stop sucking (water), you guys

1. Ray C. Williamson

VIII

Leafy Lane, Glynlea/Grove Park Market Value: $79,000 Lot size: 9,311 square feet Water used: 1,559,954 gallons Annual water bill: $9,771 Explanation: There’s a leak under the floor. Previous years on list: No. 47, 2013

2. Jeannette C. Holmes

The Top 10

by Audreyonna Banks and Ron Word

Shipwatch Drive East. Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club Market Value: $714,280 Lot size: 28,038 square feet Water used: 1,427,902 gallons Annual water bill: $10,354 Previous years on list: No. 25, 2013; No. 7, 2011; No. 15, 2008

3. James M. Mussallem Trust

Clifton Avenue, Arlington Market Value: $1,353,946 Lot size: 39,592 square feet Water used: 1,399,957 gallons Annual water bill: $9,374 Previous years on list: No. 42, 2013; No. 33, 2011

4. James T. Meyer Trust

Queen’s Harbour Boulevard Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club Market value: $1,379,764 Lot size: 67,162 Water used: 1,337,918 gallons Annual water bill: $9,904 Previous years on list: No. 23, 2012; No. 4, 2011; No. 40, 2010; No. 22, 2009

5. D.R. Horton Inc. Jacksonville

Plantation Oaks Boulevard, Oakleaf Plantation Market Value: $102,000 Lot size: 5,010 square feet Water used: 1,219,966 gallons Annual water bill: $8,044 Previous years on list: None

6. Michael E. Locher

Here we are again: another year, another list of Northeast

Florida’s biggest abusers of our precious (and dwindling) water resources. We’ve been doing this for a while now, since 2007, this year against the backdrop of state water managers plotting to raid the St. Johns River to sate development downstate.

Each year, JEA provides us these completely public records on the region’s top 50 Water Hogs for roughly the price of a black-market kidney* (even though JEA already keeps tabs on its highest water users), and then gives the Water Hogs a heads-up that we’ll be naming and shaming them. And that’s fine. The whole point of this yearly exercise is not just to point and gawk, nor (necessarily) to scorn those whose names appear in these pages, but rather to call attention to the fact that water is finite, and if we aren’t careful, sooner rather than later we won’t have enough of it. That’s a lesson these Water Hogs need to take to heart — but so do the rest of us. Here’s the good news: We’re getting better. System-wide, JEA has seen cumulative usage drop from 35 billion gallons in 2012 to 33 billion gallons in 2013. Our top-10 Water Hogs — seven of whom graced this list last year — used 12.7 million gallons in 2013, which is a lot, yes, but less than the 12.9 million the top 10 used in 2012. The entire top 50, in fact, were more water-conscious. In 2012, they totaled 53.4 million gallons; last year, just 49.2 million, a decrease of 7.8 percent — and a 28.3 percent decline since 2006. This is progress! So is 12 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

this: In 2012, 29 residences used more than 1 million gallons of water. In 2013, just 18 did. (The average property owner uses 108,000 gallons a year.) But our Water Hogs still sucked a whole lot. Our No. 1 offender, Ray C. Williamson Jr., who lives in a white stucco house in the Glynlea-Grove Park area that he purchased from family members in 2005 for $93,000, used 1.56 million gallons of water in 2013, enough to fill two Olympic-size swimming pools and a hot tub. (He ranked 47th last year.) His daughter, Kayla Williamson, says that pipes under the floor were leaking, and had been for several months. She and her father are trying to get the leaks fixed. “We keep the water off most of the time unless we need to use it,” she says. (JEA spokeswoman Gerri Boyce says that’s not the utility’s problem — repairs on the homeowner’s side of the water meter are the homeowner’s responsibility.) At the other end of our top-10 list is financial planner and radio host Henry Madden, who used 1.1 million gallons of water at his St. Johns County home. He, too, blames a leak: “There was a major water leak from a major renovation of yard. Not happy!” Madden told us in a statement.

Meanwhile, last year’s No. 1, Lewis B. Walker, who’s made seven of our eight Water Hogs lists, fell to No. 8 this year. His Westside property used 1.16 million gallons of water in 2013, down from 1.5 million last year. Since Folio Weekly started keeping tabs on JEA’s Water Hogs, this three-structure property has drained more than 10 million gallons of water. Walker, who lives elsewhere, did not return calls seeking comment. You’ll notice, with a few exceptions, a trend: Many of our Water Hogs live in really big houses in really nice neighborhoods. That makes sense. Big houses use lots of water. They have four and five and six bathrooms and massive lawns that need careful irrigation and landscaping. Five of our top-50 properties, in fact, are beachfront (or near-beach), rich-people houses on Ponte Vedra Boulevard in St. Johns County. If you want to know where all our water’s going, there it is. mail@folioweekly.com

*We don’t really know what a black-market kidney costs. JEA charged us $233 for the documents this year, up from $175 for the same request last year.

Wekiva Lane, Deerwood Estates Market Value: $446,564 Lot size: 23,366 square feet Water used: 1,211,902 gallons Annual water bill: $9,289 Previous years on list: No. 24, 2013; No. 37, 2012

7. Vernon Don Williams

Lorraine Court, Arlington Market Value: $109,434 Lot size: 124,934 square feet Water used: 1,167,628 gallons Annual water bill: $7,374 Previous years on list: No. 5, 2008

8. Lewis B. Walker

Timuquana Road, Westside Market value: $91,232 Lot size: 75,459 square feet Water used: 1,155,967 gallons Annual water bill: $7,295 Previous years on list: No. 1, 2013; No. 2, 2011; No. 26, 2010; No. 13, 2008

9. Martin E. Stein

Ponte Vedra Boulevard, Ponte Vedra Beach Market value: $2,400,000 Lot size: 3,928 square feet Water used: 1,113,966 gallons Annual water bill: $6,604 Previous years on list: None

10. Harry G. Madden

Bishop Estates Road, Julington Creek Market Value: $1,482,500 Lot size: 5,413 square feet Water used: 1,106,898 gallons Annual water bill: $7,289 Explanation: Massive leaks due to construction. Previous years on list: None

How It Works

1,559,954 gallons

Folio Weekly compiles this list using records supplied by JEA on the top 50 water-users – their names, the amount of water used and the amount of the water bills. (You’ll notice that some Water Hogs who use more H2O have lower water bills. JEA has never given us a particularly cogent explanation for why this is, other than that it makes adjustments for things like broken pipes and other factors, such as what meter measures what usage. Some readings were taken from “regular” meters, which we suppose means “household,” and some were from irrigation meters, which of course means how much water – recycled or not – they sprayed on the grass.) We then used records from the property appraisers’ offices in Duval, Nassau and Clay counties for information on each of the properties, including square footage, market value, swimming pools and recent sales.

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1,106,898 gallons MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 13

Water Hogs 2014: 11-50 NAME

11. Eunice D. William

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STREET

LOCATION

Dover Hill Drive Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club Previous years: None 12. David D. Garrard Hunterston Lane Glen Kernan Golf & Country Club Previous years on list: No. 21, 2012; No. 18, 2011; No. 29, 2010 Woodmere Drive Fairfax 13. Jodie F. Marchman Previous years on list: No. 13, 2011; No. 36, 2010; No. 25, 2009 Moss Creek Drive Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club 14. Amy E. Prysock Previous years on list: None 15. Mehdi Mike Ashchi Suffield Court Deercreek Country Club Previous years on list: None Hollyridge Road Deerwood Country Club 16. James M. Weaver Previous years on list: No. 28, 2013 Courtyards Place West Deerwood Country Club 17. Robert M. Levy Previous years on list: No. 6, 2013 Ponte Vedra Boulevard Ponte Vedra Beach 18. Thomas J. Dodson Jr. Previous years on list: None Glen Kernan Parkway East Glen Kernan Golf & Country Club 19. Frank C. Heath Jr. Previous years on list: None Ponte Vedra Boulevard Ponte Vedra Beach 20. Holly B. Finchem Previous years on list: No. 43, 2013; No. 8, 2011 21. James H. Mills Jr. Sweetbrier Branch Lane St. Johns County Previous years on list: No. 9, 2013; No. 7, 2009 Marsh Harbor Drive North Queen’s Harbor Yacht & Country Club 22. Jennifer L. Stewart Previous years on list: No. 2, 2013; No. 17, 2012 Ponte Vedra Boulevard Ponte Vedra Beach 23. Luther Coggin Previous years on list: No. 49, 2013; No. 34, 2012 Forest Circle Mandarin 24. Abraham A. Rogozinski Previous years on list: None Dover Hill Drive Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club 25. Naim M. Khawaja Previous years on list: None Chelsea Lake Place Deercreek Country Club 26. Igor V. Makarov Previous years on list: No. 3, 2012; No. 44, 2008; No. 6, 2007 Wexford Club Drive East James Island 27. Uche Nwaneri Previous years on list: None Ponte Vedra Boulevard Ponte Vedra Beach 28. Kevin Jacques Klempf Previous years on list: No. 17, 2013; No. 22, 2011 Brodick Court Glen Kernan Golf & Country Club 29. Henry K. Brown Previous years on list: No. 48, 2013 30. Mary E. Peterson Silver Street Springfield Previous years on list: No. 6, 2009 Kesley Lane Fruit Cove 31. Nina Gregor Previous years on list: None Monterey Bay Drive Deerwood 32. Julie Belcher Previous years on list: None 33. Riverwood Monterey Condo Orchard Pass Avenue Deerwood Previous years on list: None Fiddlers Point Drive Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club 34. Terrone L. Rosenberry Previous years on list: None River Road San Marco 35. Jeff Parker Previous years on list: No. 35, 2012; No. 6, 2011; No. 17, 2009 Hollyridge Road Deerwood 36. J.E. Jackson Previous years on list: No. 50, 2013; No. 46, 2012; No. 21, 2011; No. 9, 2009; No. 33, 2008 37. Intervest Construction of Jax Inc. Danbury Road Hillcrest Previous years on list: None 38. Leroy R. Polite Windsor Harbor Drive Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club Previous years on list: None 39. Keith M. Campbell Victorian Oaks Drive Mandarin Previous years on list: None 40. Dwelvin L. Simmons James Island Trail Estates of Deerwood Country Club Previous years on list: No. 35, 2013 41. Kathryn D. McAvoy Epping Forest Way North Epping Forest Previous years on list: None 42. Virgil G. Pelham III Brians Creek Drive Southside Previous years on list: None Glen Kernan Parkway Glen Kernan Golf & Country Club 43. Rodolfo Junco de la Vega Previous years on list: None 44. Marion Graham Jr. Whispering Oaks Drive Woodmere River Trace Previous years on list: None Pearce Street Northside 45. Edward Waters College Previous years on list: None 46. New Leaf Construction Inc. Heritage Manor Drive Miramar Previous years on list: None 47. Virginia A. Smyrles Shipwatch Drive Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club Previous years on list: No. 4, 2013; No. 5, 2012; No. 16, 2009 48. Arjang Moeini Mount Ranier Drive Deerwood Previous years on list: None 49. Susan E. Keller Fiddlers Point Drive Queen’s Harbour Yacht & Country Club Previous years on list: None 50. Edgar B. Vickers Point La Vista Road West Miramar Previous years on list: No. 32, 2013; No. 19, 2010

GALLONS OF WATER USED 1,096,920 1,069,962 1,059,908 1,044,896 1,041,912 1,039,907 1,006,928 986,956 985,901 978,900 975,953 975,759 948,950 941,949 933,808 911,917 906,920 887,906 886,956 886,948 886,896 886,896 883,956 872,916 867,717 863,933 851,920 848,943 843,916 842,906 841,867 838,897 835,905 831,918 828,964 827,954 826,914 821,917 820,972 815,320

Where Are They Now?

Good news: Our Water Hogs are doing better! The folks here ranked among the worst 15 water-suckers on our list last year; this year, they’re still in the top 50, which is bad (get it together, guys), but collectively, they used 1.7 million fewer gallons of water in 2013 than they used in 2012. See? Shame works.

Virginia Smyrles

Shipwatch Drive 2013 water used: 826,916 gallons 2012 water used: 1,305,905 gallons Difference: 482,989-gallon decrease Smyrles dropped from No. 5 in 2012 to No. 47 in 2013

482,989 gallon decrease

Jennifer Stewart

Marsh Harbor Drive North 2013 water used: 975,953 gallons 2012 water used: 1,442,122 gallons Difference: 466,169-gallon decrease Stewart fell from No. 2 last year to No. 22 this year

466,169 gallon decrease

Lewis B. Walker

Timuquana Road 2013 water used: 1,155,967 gallons 2012 water used: 1,488,950 gallons Difference: 332,683-gallon decrease Walker has been a consistent Water Hog, ranking No. 1 last year, but this year he fell to No. 8

Robert Levy

Courtyards Place West 2013 water used: 1,006,928 gallons 2012 water used: 1,276,888 gallons Difference: 269,960-gallon decrease Levy was No. 6 in 2012, dropping to No. 17 in 2013

332,683 gallon decrease

269,960 gallon decrease

James H. Mills

Sweetwater Branch Lane 2013 water used: 978,908 gallons 2012 water used: 1,181,952 gallons Difference: 173,044-gallon decrease Mills, at No. 9 in 2012, dropped to No. 21 in 2013

173,044 gallon decrease

Water Conservation Tips

In the ’60s, there was this bumper sticker: “Save Water: Shower With a Friend.” We appreciate the sentiment, but there are lots of ways to conserve water – and lots of reasons to do so. Staying off our list is just one of them. (You may also wish to think of yourself as a decent human being.) Here are some simple steps you can take to hog less water, courtesy of JEA and the Florida Department of Environmental Protection: ● If you have a home irrigation system, set it to run no more than twice a week during the spring and summer and once a week in the fall and winter. Check local laws for restrictions. Install a monitor head to turn off your irrigation system if it’s raining. ● Check for toilet leaks by adding food coloring to the tank. If you have a leak, the color will appear in the bowl within 30 minutes. If necessary, replace the rubber flapper seals. ● High-efficiency showerheads use 50 percent less water. ● Letting the water run when you wash your car can waste up to 150 gallons. Use a shut-off hose nozzle. ● Kitchen sink disposers require lots of water to operate properly. Start a compost pile instead. ● Don’t waste water waiting for it to get hot. Capture it for other uses, like watering plants, or heat it on the stove or in the microwave. ● Use mulch to retain moisture in the soil. It also helps control weeds that compete with landscape plants for water. ● Water your lawn during the early morning hours, when temperatures and wind speed are the lowest, to reduce evaporation and waste. Again, check local restrictions. ● Instead of pouring water down the drain, use it to water your indoor plants or garden. ● Don’t use running water to thaw meat or other frozen foods. Defrost food overnight in the refrigerator, or use the defrost setting on your microwave. ● When hand-washing dishes, save water by filling two containers — one with soapy water, one with rinse water that has a small amount of chlorine bleach. ● Repair dripping faucets by replacing washers. One drop per second wastes 2,700 gallons of water per year. ● Sign up for the JEA Water Tracker, which allows you to keep tabs on your water use and get alerts if it spikes. In the past year, 47,501 customers have registered their accounts with jea.com and used the tracker, says spokeswoman Gerri Boyce. And customers can call 665-6000 to talk with a customer service agent about Lawn Smart, which checks irrigation systems for leaks.

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 15

SCAN THIS PAGE WITH LAYAR TO CHECK THIS WEEK’S OUR PICKS

Our Picks Reasons to leave the house this week

JACKSONVILLE ZOO LAND OF THE TIGER

SURE

PICK

A Sumatran tiger is a rare sight. Indonesian conservation experts say fewer than 500 of them live in the wild, placing the world’s smallest tiger subspecies on the critically endangered list. Twoyear-old female Lucy and 12-year-old male Berani – matched to become a breeding pair (the age difference is NBD, apparently) – join three endangered Malayan tigers as stars of the Jacksonville Zoo’s new Land of the Tiger attraction, which opened last weekend. The $9.5 million expansion of the zoo’s Asia area also has small-clawed otters, Visayan warty pigs, babirusa and two types of hornbills as well as Asian flora. Land of the Tiger opens as the zoo nears its 100th anniversary in May. Open 9 a.m.-5 p.m. Mon.Fri., 9 a.m.-6 p.m. Sat. and Sun., Jacksonville Zoo & Gardens, Northside, admission: $17.95-$24.95.

03.15

THEATER MEMPHIS

Rock ’n’ roll is born again. Intense and inspirational, if also formulaic, Memphis lifts off with the dynamic opener “Underground” and keeps soaring on its spirited choreography. Set in the ’50s, white radio DJ Huey Calhoun – loosely based on real-life DJ Dewey Phillips – falls in love with black club singer Felicia Farrell. (Yes, this Broadway tale of forbidden love is mostly sterilized, though there is one beating.) Cynics will find plenty of plot to pick apart, but some Artist Series ticketholders won’t notice or care. After all, this production scored four Tonys, including best musical and best original score, for good reason. March 18-23 at the T-U Center’s Moran Theater, Downtown, $47-$77.

FOODBANK BENEFIT PHiNS GUMBO COOKOFF & FESTIVAL

FILM THE GREAT FLOOD

Pock-marked, decaying film shrouds sharecroppers as they wade through in Bill Morrison’s The Great Flood, a 2014 documentary about the Great Mississippi Flood of 1927. The decay adds an organic, fluid and sometimes psychedelic effect; Morrison says the deterioration of the film he used is as important to the story as the moments captured on it. “This footage has existed since the flood. It is a living document of the flood, and also of the time that has elapsed since the flood,” he says. Grammy-nominated jazz guitarist Bill Frisell provided a track of moody, chord-driven tones to pair each scene and segment. A Q&A with Morrison follows the screening. 7:15 p.m. March 15 at Sun-Ray Cinema, $10.

Gumbo is traditionally served at Mardi Gras, but you won’t hear anyone complaining about a little Lenten gumbo at The Landing. Hosted by Parrot Heads in Natural Settings (PHiNS), the eighth annual festival pits local restaurants, teams and individuals in a competition to cook up the best gumbo, with the proceeds benefiting the Mandarin Food Bank. The gumbo cookoff begins at 1:30 p.m. March 15, but the festival kicks off with a pub crawl and live music the night before. Pub crawl, 5 p.m. March 14; all-you-can-eat gumbo (until it’s gone) served at 1:30 p.m. March 15 at The Jacksonville Landing, Downtown, $10.

RIVER RUN BLOCK PARTY KEGS AND EGGS

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Pre-race carb-loading isn’t as much fun as reloading after. Intuition Ale Works and Jax Truckies hold a Gate River Run afterparty, serving beermosas and other brunchy stuff. Toss down a blueberry coffee cake, sweet potato pancake, a Cinnamon Toast Crunch brew, Javadark or beers infused with pastries and, of course, bacon. Chew Chew and Funkadelic food trucks create special brunch and lunch items, plus usual menus. If you survive the 9.3-mile run, flash your race number at an Intuition bartender from 1-11 p.m. for one free beer. King Street’s closed in front of the brewery. Food trucks park 10 a.m.-5 p.m. (party runs to 11), March 15 at Intuition Ale Works, Riverside.

HAIR METAL NOSTALGIA JACK RUSSELL’S GREAT WHITE

There are few relics of the ’80s hair metal scene more hated than Jack Russell. It wasn’t just the 100 people who died in 2003 as a result of a fire caused by his band Great White’s pyrotechnics, though his droning on from the stage about their upcoming summer tour while the Rhode Island venue burned didn’t help. It was also the fact that he never apologized, never took responsibility for what happened that night, not really. “This was a life-changing event for everyone,” Russell told The Boston Globe last year, in a story marking the fire’s 10th anniversary. “It’s not like something I forget about.” In 2010, after years of drug and alcohol abuse, Russell nearly died from a perforated bowel. By that point, Great White had already kicked him out, secured the rights to the name and hired a new singer. Today, the 53-year-old Russell presses on in Jack Russell’s Great White, running through the band’s hits – “Once Bitten, Twice Shy,” and, probably, “Desert Moon,” the song he sang during the deadly fire. 7 p.m. March 13 at Brewster’s Megaplex, Arlington, $12-$30.

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

FULL EXPOSURE // DENNIS HO March 22, 2014 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. (Times may vary) Join other volunteers to collect litter and debris from multiple sites around the city. There will be site staff on hand to register volunteers and provide trash bags, gloves and tickets. Advanced registration is not required. Volunteers 18 and younger must be accompanied by an adult. After the cleanup, volunteers will gather at Riverside Arts Market from noon to 2 p.m. where tickets can be redeemed for refreshments and T-shirts (while supplies last). To learn more, visit www.coj.net, keywords “St. Johns River Celebration” or call Keep Jacksonville Beautiful at 630-3420. Keep Jacksonville Beautiful... ...it belongs to you!

KISS THE GIRL: Retired construction worker Vernon Williams smooching his Bolivian Military Macaw parrot, Princess Margaret, in Riverside Park. Maggie, as she’s more commonly called, was a Humane Society rescue. “She’s 14 now, and she’s got 110 years left,” says Williams. “Although with proper care, I don’t know if there’s an upper limit.” According to Williams, some Bolivian Military Macaws can cost as much as $2,500.

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FolioWeekly

A&E // MUSIC

American Dreamer

Dave Hause transforms his punk-rock past into a Springsteenesque heartland promise DAVE HAUSE with NORTHCOTE and BEAU CRUM 7 p.m. March 26, Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $10, 398-7496, jaxlive.com

ave Hause looks like your prototypical throwback rockabilly punk: tattoos plastered across most of his body, a greased-back coiffure, Wayfarers, fitted plaid shirts. But this Philadelphia native — who shredded with punk acts Step Ahead, The Curse, Paint It Black and The Loved Ones in the 1990s and 2000s — isn’t dwelling on the past. Especially now that the folksy solo career he first embarked upon in 2009 has built up a head of internationally acclaimed steam. Most of that growth can be attributed to Hause’s second full-length, 2013’s Devour, on which the 36-year-old skewers America’s recent history: its insatiable consumer appetite, its empty economic promises, its predilection for war, its deteriorating familial bonds. In short, the crumbling of the American Dream. “Being raised in a working-class, religious, East Coast environment preps you for disappointment once you’re in your 30s,” Hause says. “I had a sort of adult crash when I started measuring the distance between what I thought life was going to be like versus what it was.” That fractured disconnect is evident in the heart-wrenching lyricism of songs like “We Could Be Kings,” “The Great Depression” and “Autism Vaccine Blues.” While they’re rooted in stark blue-collar folk à la Billy Bragg, the arrangement of those tracks, expertly handled by Hause and an all-star cast of collaborators from bands like My Morning Jacket and Social Distortion, brings Bruce Springsteen’s elaborate heartland rock to mind. “The record is split into thirds,” Hause explains. “The first third asks, ‘How did we get here?’ The middle reflects where I was at emotionally trying to figure out how to have balanced friendships when a lot of things had caved in. And the final third asks, ‘How do I get out of this dark place to somewhere better?’ It’s a body of work. Maybe a little archaic to do it that way in this day and age, but I was raised on the album, so I’m still working in that paradigm for now.” Lumping Hause in with the current oldpunkers-gone-acoustic paradigm is easy; he’s toured repeatedly with Chuck Ragan’s rootsy Revival Tour. But Hause’s determination and

ambition make that categorization feel derivative. After Devour came out, his professional management, booking and publicity teams secured exclusive video premieres and album streams on the websites of USA Today, The Wall Street Journal and Esquire. His following in Europe has exploded exponentially. And one look at his behemoth 2014 tour schedule — club dates across North America, SXSW, all the major summer festivals across the pond — indicates that Hause, who worked construction for years to supplement his punk-rock income, is clearly striving for more stable mainstream success. “Punk rock helped me figure out how to break things down to little encouragements and attainable goals,” Hause says. “Finish a couple songs. Play a show at home. Press a 7-inch. Book a couple shows outside of town. It’s like building a house: Lay the foundation, frame it and then

“How do I get out of this dark place to somewhere better?” put siding on it. When I went solo, there was no guarantee anyone was going to care. So I’ve worked hard, I’m thankful for what I have, but there are certain things I haven’t gotten to, like late-night TV. It’s good to be ambitious as long as you keep it in perspective.” Hause’s upcoming Sunshine State shows will feature a variety of solo and duo performances with his brother, Tim, while certain West and East Coast tour dates feature Dave performing with many of the musicians who helped him record Devour. “Mixing things up gives me the freedom to stay excited and challenged,” he says. “Also, the audience gets warmed up to the idea that they don’t know what’s in store.” Hause already has plans for two more full-length albums. “It’s scary to have a critically acclaimed record that bumps you up everywhere,” he says, “because it makes the stakes higher with the next record: Can I hit the ball again? Can I turn these nuggets of lyrics and melodies that I collect into something? But if you rely on your craft, your instinct and your creative family, hopefully in the end, it will be greater than the sum of its parts.” Nick McGregor mail@folioweekly.com MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 19

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MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 21

A&E // DEBAUCHERY

Paint the Town Green

Your St. Patrick’s Day (Weekend) Field Guide. Get a cab

eah, so … St. Patrick’s Day is on a Monday this year, which means most places start celebrating, like, Friday night. Tents go up, green dye goes in the beers on tap and local musicians start adding an O’ to their band names. And since we’re all about changing it up and staying hip here at Folio Weekly, we’ve gathered all the info you need to have the Best! St.! Patty’s! Day! Ever!

OK, calm down. We’ll tell you what bars are authentically Irish and what joints are posers, where the best music will be and where the parking lots are safe. So dig out those green sweatpants you wore in junior college and get ready to par-tay with Floridian craic agus ceol! A good place to start is at The Beaches. On one side of the island are Atlantic Beach’s two Irish spots. Culhane’s Irish Pub is owned by four Irish sisters — so, legit. It’s a bit of an older crowd, but the pace is fast, the crowd is big and drinks are green. If you want some rowdy, beer-guzzlin’, green-haired punks, head over to The Fly’s Tie. It’s the go-to joint of The Beaches’ St. Patrick’s Day madness. They have port-olets in the parking lot, and Lord help the people drunk enough to make out in one after it’s been in the sun all day. In Jax Beach, there’s but one must-go: Lynch’s Irish Pub. It’s kinda “world-famous” and definitely a place to see and be seen. The girls (the girls!) dress to the nines in dresses of every shade of green, made from the least possible amount of fabric. If you’re crazy enough to make a run at the main bar, go pee first. The place is packed with every frat boy and tribal tattoo in Northeast Florida. If you’re sober enough to cross the ditch — and if you’re not, for chrissake, get a cab — there’s only one place to go: Riverside’s Historic 5 Points’ huge block party. The lead bar of this indoor/outdoor party is O’Brother’s Irish Pub. The best part? All the bars in Riverside are so close you can walk everywhere you go — no DUIs for the smart hipsters this year! Here are some other events that may tickle your fancy, drunk or not, in alphabetical order:

DERBY ON PARK

1068 Park St., 5 Points, 379-3343, derbyonpark.net Derby features a special Irish menu and live music.

DONOVAN’S IRISH PUB

7440 U.S. 1 N., Ste. 108, Palencia, 829-0000, donovansirishpub.com The annual party, held 5-10 p.m., features green beer and plenty of corned beef and cabbage and all the trimmings. Bagpipes and a DJ provide the entertainment.

FIONN MacCOOL’S

Jax Landing, Ste. 176, Downtown, 374-1247, fionnmacs.com Along with the usual food and drink specials, there’s live music all damn day (starting at 9 a.m.!), featuring (in order) Jig to a Milestone, Spade McQuade & the All Stars, Irish step dancers, Jimmy O’Solari, U-Zoo (a U2 tribute band) and Something Distant. To help you get in a celebratory mood: Braxton Adamson and Seven Nations on March 14, Take Cover on March 15 and Rathkeltair on March 16.

FLY’S TIE IRISH PUB

177 E. Sailfish Dr., Atlantic Beach, 246-4293

Live Irish music, food and drink are featured. It’s suggested that your donation equal one hour of legal fees. 824-9402.

JERRY’S SPORTS GRILLE

13170 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 22, Intracoastal, 220-6766, jerrysportsgrille.com The party runs 11 a.m.-11 p.m., with live music by Dune Dogs at 4 p.m., as well as Irish stew, soda bread, and corned beef and cabbage.

LYNCH’S IRISH PUB

514 N. First St., Jax Beach, 249-5181, lynchsirishpub.com The pub starts its annual bacchanal with Kickin Lassie playing March 15 and 16, and the high-octane action continues with green beer, giveaways and Irish fare on March 17. Live music that day features The Be Easy Band, Fran Doyle, The Clay County Pipes & Drums and Rathkeltair. To register, go to the website.

MONKEY’S UNCLE TAVERN,

1850 Third St. S., Jax Beach, 241-4178, monkeysuncletavern.com Local band Little Green Men performs on March 16 at the spot we drunkenly call “Monkcles.”

MUDVILLE MUSIC ROOM

3104 Atlantic Blvd., St. Nicholas, 352-7008 The Walker Family Band performs at 7:30 p.m. March 17.

NIPPERS BEACH GRILLE

2309 Beach Blvd., Jax Beach, 247-3300, nippersbeachgrille.com Drink specials and live music by Zach Deputy are featured at the second annual party.

NORTH BEACH BISTRO

725 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 372-4105, nbbistro.com The party is held at 5 p.m. March 15, with Guinness cheese soup, shepherd’s pie, corned beef and blah blah … but it’s the drink specials that’ll get you in the door. Irish whiskey, coffee, punch and something called the Lucky Leprechaun – Midori, Malibu rum and pineapple juice. Yikes. Musician Mickey Mouth plays at 7:30 p.m.

THE OASIS DECK & RESTAURANT 4000 A1A & Ocean Trace Road, St. Augustine Beach, 471-3424, worldfamousoasis.com

The traditional corned beef and cabbage, etc., with an item called black pudding. We don’t know what that is, but Fly’s Tie is freakin’ legit Irish, so ... . Live music is also featured.

Bagpipes and Chris C4Mann play at 3 p.m. and Henry & the Seahawks at 4 p.m., and then the fun really starts – at 4:02 p.m.: corned beef and cabbage and, apparently, a real leprechaun. WTF? (Admit it – you want to see the little guy.) The Ron Perry Connection wraps it up from 7-11:30 p.m.

GYPSY CAB COMPANY

O’BROTHERS IRISH PUB

828 Anastasia Blvd., St. Augustine, 824-8244, gypsycab.com

1521 Margaret St., 5 Points, 854-9300, obrothersirishpub.com

Canan Law presents its annual St. Patrick’s Day fundraiser from 5-7:30 p.m. on March 13 at The Corner Bar, Gypsy Cab Company.

1537 Margaret St., 5 Points, 355-4434, mossfire.com

MOSSFIRE GRILL & LOUNGE

The party held at both venues starts at 11 a.m.; the live music takes off when the street party does, at 5 p.m., featuring Grandpa’s Cough Medicine, The Firewater Tent Revival and The Impediments. There’s green beer, hot dogs, food trucks, Al’s Pizza, Hawkers and Rain Dogs. Plus bathrooms (important!), an ATM and more.

ANN O’MALLEY’S

PUSSER’S BAR & GRILLE

Along with corned beef and cabbage served all day until it’s gone, there’s live music: Ric Welch at 4 p.m. and Strumstick 8:30 p.m. March 17. Leading up to the excitement are Dublin Train Wreck March 12, The Wobbly Toms on March 15 and Jig to a Mile on March 16.

Celebrate the Irish way with beer specials (Guinness pints for three bucks), Irish rum punch and a Irish-themed menu: corned beef and cabbage, fish and chips, and shepherd’s pie. Live music on the upper deck.

BARLEY REPUBLIC PUBLIC HOUSE

9703 San Jose Blvd., Mandarin, 493-2020, eatsteamin.com

23 Orange St., St. Augustine, 825-4040, annomalleys.com

48 Spanish St., St. Augustine, 547-2023, barleyrepublicph.com

The self-described Irish gastropub holds its third annual celebration with traditional food, drink, music, and lads and lassies in kilts. Kilts!

CULHANE’S IRISH PUB

967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595, culhanesirishpub.com

Whatever Culhane’s does, you can bet it’ll be jampacked. Local band Road Less Traveled starts at 11 a.m., so that’s a good indication that this authentic Irish pub will be jumping. As a prelude to all the action, check out these bands: Dublin City Ramblers on March 13, Cloud 9 on March 14, The Walker Family Band on March 15 and JK Wayne and Road Less Traveled on March 16. 22 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

816 A1A N., Ponte Vedra, 280-7766, pussersusa.com

STEAMIN

The celebration features a special corned beef Steam Theme, with green beer and punch specials.

THRASHER-HORNE CENTER FOR THE ARTS

283 College Dr., Orange Park, 276-6815, thcenter.org Celtic Fire, starring famous Irish tenor Michael Londra, is presented March 14, along with real Irish dancers performing jigs and reels – featuring leaps and kicks that have to be seen to be believed – to music coaxed from fiddles, great drums, bodhrans and uileann pipes. Tickets start at $16 for the show, staged at 7:30 p.m. Marlene Dryden and Abigail Wright mdryden@folioweekly.com

A&E // MUSIC CONCERTS THIS WEEK

LES RACQUET, THE ACCOMPLICES, WORTH ROAD 8 p.m. March 12 at Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $8, 398-7496. THE GAS HOUSE GORILLAS 9 p.m. March 12 at Underbelly, 113 E. Bay St., Downtown, $5, 353-6067. TRIBAL SEEDS, NEW KINGSTON, INNAVISION 7 p.m. March 13 at Freebird Live, 200 N. First St., Jax Beach, $15, 246-2473. DUBLIN CITY RAMBLERS 7 p.m. March 13, Culhaneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Irish Pub, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595. PIERCE PETTIS 8 p.m. March 13 at The Original CafĂŠ Eleven, 501 A1A Beach Blvd., St. Augustine Beach, $15, 460-9311. DANA COOPER 7:30 p.m. March 13 at Mudville Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., St. Nicholas, 352-7008. JACK RUSSELLâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S GREAT WHITE, WARNING, RIVER CITY KATS, SECOND SHOT, VINTAGE ROSE, ROSCO CAINE 7 p.m. March 13 at Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, 845 University N., Arlington, $12-$30, 223-9850. CHRISTOPER DEAN BAND 8 p.m. March 13-15 at A1A Ale Works, 1 King St., St. Augustine, free, 829-2977. HARPETH RISING, HONEY BOY, BOOTS 7:30 p.m. March 14 at Mudville Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., St. Nicholas, $15, 352-7008. WES COBB 10 p.m. March 14 at Mojo No. 4, 3572 St. Johns Ave., Avondale, 381-6670. MICHAEL BOLTON 8 p.m. March 14 at The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, $42-$72, 355-2787. OUTEREDGE, UNKNOWN LIQUID, OSCAR MIKE, BETHANY STOCKDALE, NIC STEPHENS 8 p.m. March 14 at Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $5, 398-7496. PARKRIDGE, YOUR BEST FRIEND & MY FAVORITE BAND, ARTILECT, ALL THINGS DONE 8 p.m. March 14 at Freebird Live, 200 N. First St., Jax Beach, $8, 246-2473. IRISH TO THE END 8 p.m. March 14 at The Pioneer Barn, 259 San Marco Ave., St. Augustine, 824-8874. PHUK THE POLITICS, NO BLARNEY 8 p.m. March 14 at 1904 Music Hall, 19 Ocean St., Downtown, $5. RACHELLE FERRELL 7 & 10 p.m. March 14 at Ritz Theatre, 829 N. Davis St., Springfield, $45, 475-1071. MARGO REY 10:30 p.m. March 14 at Underbelly, 113 E. Bay St., Downtown, $17.50-$20, 353-6067. MUSIC FOR MEOWS BENEFIT: Rock Hell Victory, Jenni Reid, Lauren Fincham, Andy King, The Jo Charles Project, Dixie Rodeo 7 p.m. March 15 at Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $10, 398-7496. PAUL LUNDGREN BAND, SEVEN NATIONS, JACKSONVEGA, CANARY IN THE COALMINE, RATHKELTAIR, SPLIT TONE Noon, March 15 at SeaWalk Pavilion, First Street and First Avenue North, Jax Beach, free, greatatlanticmusicfest.com. MORNING FATTY, SOWFLO, WEEKEND ATLAS, GARRETT ON ACOUSTIC 8 p.m. March 15 at Freebird Live, 200 N. First St., Jax Beach, $8, 246-2473. TOOTS LORRAINE & THE TRAFFIC 7:30 p.m. March 15 at Mudville Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., St. Nicholas, 352-7008. THE WALKER FAMILY BAND 8 p.m. March 15, Culhaneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Irish Pub, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595. GRAVITY A, S.P.O.R.E. 9 p.m. March 15 at Underbelly, 113 E. Bay St., Downtown, $8-$10, 353-6067. DOGS, PLAYGROUND HEROES, ANIMALIGHT 8 p.m. March 15 at Burro Bar, 100 E. Adams St., Downtown, $5, 353-4686. PUNK THAT!, ULTRA SUCK MEGA FUXXX, PRIDELESS, STATUS FAUX, SOUTHERN ALABAMA PIE COOKOFF, COMMUNITY CERVIX, RUNNING RAMPANT 7 p.m. March 15 at Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, 845 University Blvd. N., Arlington, $10-$17, 223-9850. WE THE KINGS, THIS CENTURY, CRASH THE PARTY 6 p.m. March 16 at Freebird Live, 200 N. First St., Jax Beach, $20, 246-2473. LA DISPUTE, PIANOS BECOME THE TEETH, MANSIONS 5 p.m. March 16 at Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Megaplex, 845 University Blvd. N., Arlington, $15, 223-9850. IRISH TO THE END 2:30 p.m. March 16 at The Pioneer Barn, 259 San Marco Ave., St. Augustine, 824-8874. TAKE THE STAGE 4 DONNY: His Name Was Iron, Fit for Rivals, Grandpaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Cough Medicine, Canary in the Coalmine, Tom Bennett Band, P.U.B., Superjam 2 p.m. March 16 at Jack

FreebirdLive.com

/ TU 4U +BY #FBDI '- r #*3%

THURSDAY MARCH 13

TRIBAL SEEDS NEW KINGSTON INNA VISION FRIDAY MARCH 14

PA R K R I D G E

YOUR BEST FRIEND MY FAVORITE BAND ARTILECT/ALL THINGS DONE SATURDAY MARCH 15

MORNING FATTY/SOWFLOW

LOVE SONG FOR THE PLAYERS: Country music star Stephen Careyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;Love the Way You Loveâ&#x20AC;? beat three other finalists to become the â&#x20AC;&#x153;Unofficial Song of The Players.â&#x20AC;? Carey wins $5,000, VIP tournament tickets and the chance to play at a venue before and during The Players Championship in May. His tune was chosen over ones by Flagship Romance, Billy Buchanan and The Embraced in fan voting after tournament officials selected finalists. Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $10, 398-7496. NATURAL LIFE MUSIC FEST: Rion Paige, The WillowWacks, HoneyHoney, The Autumn Defense, Sarah Jarosz, Della Mae 11 a.m.-6 p.m. March 16 at Metropolitan Park, 1410 Gator Bowl Blvd., Downtown, free, 630-0837. REDRICK SULTAN 8 p.m. March 17 at Burro Bar, 100 E. Adams St., Downtown, $5, 353-4686. WALKER FAMILY BAND 7:30 p.m. March 17 at Mudville Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., St. Nicholas, 352-7008. BLACK DAHLIA MURDER, GORGUTS, NOISEM 7 p.m. March 17, Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $15, 398-7496. GEORGE THOROGOOD & THE DESTROYERS 8 p.m. March 19 at The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, $35$45.50, 355-2787.

WE BUTTER THE BREAD WITH BUTTER, LIONS LIONS, HONOUR CREST, DEVIL IN THE OASIS 7 p.m. March 19 at Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $12, 398-7496. NOBRA NOMA, SKYBISON 8 p.m. March 19 at Burro Bar, 100 E. Adams St., Downtown, $5, 353-4686. THE HONEYCUTTERS 7:30 p.m. March 19 at Mudville Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., St. Nicholas, 352-7008.

UPCOMING CONCERTS

HIROYA TSUKAMOTO, SAM PACETTI, MICHAEL JORDAN March 20, Mudville Music Room NOT TONIGHT JOSEPHINE, YOUR BEST FRIEND & MY

WEEKEND ATLAS/GARRETT ON ACOUSTIC SUNDAY MARCH 16

THE ART OF TOUR

WE THE KINGS THIS CENTURY/CRASH THE PARTY FRIDAY MARCH 21

P I L O T W AV E

EMMA MOSELEY BAND/KENNY SATURDAY MARCH 22

PIPESTONE/DIRT MESSIAH THURSDAY MARCH 27

DRIVINâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; N CRYINâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

Mon-

MENâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S NIGHT OUT BEER PONG 9PM FREE POOL ALL U CAN EAT CRABLEGS

Tues-

TEXAS HOLD â&#x20AC;&#x2122;EM STARTS AT 7 P.M.

Wed-

Thurs-

HAPPY HOUR ALL NIGHT t ,*%4 &"5 '3&& '30. 1 . 50 1 . t #6: 8*/(4 (&5 8*/(4 '3&& t 13*$&% "11&5*;&34 #"3 0/-: 1 . $-04& OPEN MIC NITE 9PM 13*$&% %3*/,4 1 . " .

Fri-

SUPER NATURAL 9:30pm 13*$& "114 '3* #"3 0/-: 1. %&$, .64*$ 1 . 1 .

Sat-

BACK FOR ONE NIGHT:

BRYCE ALASTAIR BAND FRIDAY MARCH 28

FORTUNATE YOUTH SIDEREAL/TRUE PRESS SATURDAY MARCH 29

ROCK Nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; ROLL CHROME/ DENIED TIL DEATH

RUNNING RAMPANT/ICON FOR HIRE POOR RICHARDS TUESDAY APRIL 1

A LOVE LIKE TOUR

ALL TIME LOW

MAN OVERBOARD/HANDGUNS SATURDAY APRIL 5

BIG AL & THE KAHOLICS

THE GREAT ADVENTURES OF

9:30pm

Sun-

%&$, .64*$ 1 . 1 . LIVE MUSIC 4:30-8:30pm

SLICK RICK

25TH ANNIVERSARY TOUR IVAN/BIG BUCKS CREW UPCOMING

4-11: Dopapod/Greenhouse Lounge 4-17: Local Natives 4-18: Passafire/Lullwater 4-19:

Blessthefall/Silverstein

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 23

A&E // MUSIC

THE KNIFE

Donny Swafford (right), pictured with his brother Aaron.

Play It Forward TAKE THE STAGE 4 DONNY His Name Was Iron, Fit for Rivals, Grandpa’s Cough Medicine, Canary in the Coalmine, Tom Bennett Band, Parker Urban Band, John E. Citrone 3 p.m. March 16, Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, $10, 398-7496, jaxlive.com

don’t know from experience, but my guess is that having brain cancer totally sucks. Unfortunately, too many people do know from experience. Every year brings more than 66,000 new brain tumor diagnoses. More frightening is this statistic: Brain cancer is the No. 2 cause of cancer deaths in children and young adults. With the goal of helping one local young(ish) adult avoid that miserable fate, musician and self-employed well-driller Jeremy Destin has taken it upon himself to round up musical pals for a benefit concert for Donny Swafford, a 31-year-old Jacksonville man recently diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer. (Disclosure: I’m one of those musical pals. I’ll be opening the show.) “When I heard the news, I instantly went to thinking of how I can’t lose such a friend,” Destin says, “and what I could do to help out. After a couple hours of mourning, I remembered the success a core of friends achieved when they threw a benefit concert for the Wounded Warrior Project, and a light bulb went on.” Destin and Swafford have been friends since attending Fletcher Middle School together. Destin says they’ve been like brothers ever since. Again, I don’t know from

24 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

FAVORITE BAND March 20, Jack Rabbits SUWANNEE SPRINGFEST: The Avett Brothers, Del McCoury Band, Punch Brothers, Sam Bush Band, Southern Soul Assembly, Jason Isbell, Travelin’ McCoury Jam, Donna the Buffalo, Steep Canyon Rangers, Jim Lauderdale, Greensky Bluegrass, Willie Sugarcaps, The Duhks, Aoife O’Donovan, Floodwood, Ralph Roddenbery, Grandpa’s Cough Medicine, Whetherman, Canary in the Coalmine, The Royal Tinfoil, Holy Ghost Tent Revival, Love Canon, Grant Peeples, The Stacks, Sloppy Joe, Uproot Hootenanny, Big Cosmo, Habanera Honeys, Tammerlin, The New 76ers, JacksonVegas, Quartermoon, James Justin & Co., Rosco Bandana, SOSOS, The Whiskey Gentry, Bibb City Ramblers, 2-Foot Level, Henhouse Prowlers, Come Back Alice, Gypsy Wind, Nook & Cranny, Beartoe, Mickey Abraham’s Acoustic Ensemble March 20-23, Spirit of the Suwannee Music Park MOULLINEX, MARBEYA SOUND March 21, Underbelly

experience, but I imagine watching your “brother” and his family field the blows of such a devastating (and expensive) illness must totally suck. Swafford has been through surgery and has had to relearn how to walk and talk. The money raised from the benefit will help defray some costs of Swafford’s chemo treatments, which can run upward of $15,000 a month. Needless to say, Swafford’s family’s finances have been exhausted by medical bills, and Swafford still has a long road ahead. But the cancer hasn’t spread, and with proper treatments, there’s hope for a full recovery. The show is set for Sunday, March 16 at 3 p.m. at Jack Rabbits in San Marco. On the bill, in order of appearance, are yours truly at 3:30 p.m., followed by the Parker Urban Band, Tom Bennett Band, Canary in the Coalmine, Grandpa’s Cough Medicine, Fit For Rivals and His Name Was Iron. “All the bands are taking the time out of their busy schedules to essentially pay it forward,” Destin says. “They all agreed wholeheartedly to help out with this benefit. The Jacksonville music scene is a very tight-knit group, and I’m lucky enough to be in the know with some of the city’s premier bands.” This I do know from experience: Being involved with such a benevolent group of musicians getting together to help out a man and his family so desperately in need — that totally does not suck. John E. Citrone theknife@folioweekly.com

MIDDLE CLASS RUT, BRICK & MORTAR, DINOSAUR PILEUP March 21, Jack Rabbits PINK MARTINI March 21, The Florida Theatre JOSHUA SCOTT JONES, JORDYN STODDARD March 21, The Original Café Eleven EMMA MOSELEY BAND March 21, Freebird Live LIONS SEAFOOD FESTIVAL: Linda Cole, Evans Trio, Dorsey Quartet, Wendy Crowe, WestWend, Florida State Bluegrass Band, Brittney Lawrence March 21-23, Francis Field, St. Augustine RADIATOR KING, FAST PREACHER March 21, Burro Bar HALEMERRY, EVICTION, NOCTURNAL STATE OF MIND, STONE BONE, LAWLESS HEARTS March 21, Brewster’s LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO March 22, The Florida Theatre WE ARE THE IN CROWD, WILLIAM BECKETT, SET IT OFF, STATE CHAMPS, CANDY HEARTS March 22, Jack Rabbits THE MOODY BLUES March 22, St. Augustine Amphitheatre

MARY OCHER March 22, Burro Bar PIPESTONE March 22, Freebird Live HELIOS HAND, SURVIVING SEPTEMBER, KNOCK FOR SIX, TREES SETTING FIRES, ABOLISH THE RELICS, GLASS APOSTLE, DR. SIRBROTHER, DIRTY AUTOMATIC March 22, Brewster’s Megaplex DALTON STANLEY March 22, Murray Hill Theatre MARC COHN March 23, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, THE GHOST INSIDE, I KILLED THE PROM QUEEN, DANGERKIDS March 23, Murray Hill Theatre COMMUNITY BLOCK PARTY: Matt Still, Roger That, De Lions of Jah March 23, Mayport Road, Atlantic Beach SCOTLAND’S BATTLEFIELD BAND March 23, Culhane’s Irish Pub THE TURNPIKE TROUBADOURS March 24, Jack Rabbits MOOR HOUND, NORTHE, WEEKEND ATLAS, SLEEPY TREE March 24, Burro Bar THE SUITCASE JUNKET March 25, Underbelly OPEN AIR STEREO, MIGGS, MAN ON EARTH March 25, Jack Rabbits DOC HANDY March 25, Mudville Music Room DAVE HAUSE, NORTHCOTE March 26, Jack Rabbits Scotland’s BATTLEFIELD BAND March 26, Mudville Music Room DANGERMUFFIN March 26, 1904 Music Hall GET THE LED OUT March 27, The Florida Theatre JOHN FLYNN March 27, Mudville Music Room DIRTY BOURBON RIVER SHOW March 27, Underbelly DRIVIN N CRYIN’ March 27, Freebird Live YOUR 33 BLACK ANGELS March 27, Burro Bar THE FLOOZIES March 27, 1904 Music Hall YONAS, PELL, DRAZAH March 27, Jack Rabbits THE BRONX WANDERERS March 28, Thrasher-Horne Center FORTUNATE YOUTH March 28, Freebird Live YO MAMA’S BIG FAT BOOTY BAND, PARKER URBAN BAND, COPIOUS JONES March 28, Underbelly LORETTA LYNN March 28, The Florida Theatre PROTEST THE HERO, BATTLECROSS, SAFETY FIRE, INTERVALS, NIGHT/VERSUS March 28, Jack Rabbits RUFFIANS, SUNSPOTS March 28, Burro Bar GORAN IVANOVIC March 28, The Original Café Eleven STILL ON THE HILL March 29, Mudville Music Room SLIDE INTO SPRING MUSIC & CRAFT BEER FESTIVAL March 29, Fernandina Beach CULTURA PROFETICA March 29, Freebird Live 2 CHAINZ, DAVID FROST March 29, Brewster’s Megaplex THE MOWGLIS, MISTERWIVES, BURIED BEDS March 29, Jack Rabbits COUNTRY TRIBUTE TO WOMEN OF THE MILITARY: Darryl Worley, Morgan Frazier, Jamie Davis, Rion Paige March 29, Mavericks at the Landing RIVERS AND LAKES March 30, Jack Rabbits CARRIE NATION & THE SPEAKEASY, MUDTOWN, TAIL LIGHT REBELLION March 30, Burro Bar AARON BING March 30, T-U Center STEVE POLITZ, DONNY BRAZILE March 30, Café Eleven THE FUNERAL AND THE TWILIGHT, BURNT HAIR, PROSTRATE, VASES March 31, Burro Bar ALL TIME LOW, MAN OVERBOARD, HAND GUNS April 1, Freebird Live STEVE HACKETT April 2, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall MOBB DEEP April 2, Underbelly TESSERACT April 2, Brewster’s Megaplex JESSE COOK April 3, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall PEPPINO DEAUGUSTINO April 3, Mudville Music Room PAUL ANKA April 3, T-U Center’s Moran Theater T. MILLS April 3, Brewster’s Megaplex SOJA April 3, The Florida Theatre RELIEF IN SLEEP, AMONGST THE FORGOTTEN April 3, Jack Rabbits ROBERT CRAY BAND April 4, P.V. Concert Hall ZACH MYERS (of Shinedown) April 4, Brewster’s Megaplex THE MALAH, SPANKALICIOUS, FUTEXTURE April 4, 1904 Music Hall GREYMARKET, MILO, DR SIRBROTHER, LAKE DISNEY April 4, Burro Bar RHYTHM & RIBS: Sister Hazel, Red River Band, Grimes Alley April 4, Francis Field, St. Augustine SPRINGING THE BLUES: Parker Urban Band, Brandon Santini, Joanne Shaw Taylor, Selwyn Birchwood April 4, SeaWalk Plaza RHYTHM & RIBS: Delbert McClinton, The Lee Boys, Emma Moseley Band, Toots Lorraine & The Traffic, Elizabeth & The Grapes of Roth, Salt Driven Ride April 5, Francis Field, St. Augustine SPRINGING THE BLUES FEST: Betty Fox, Woody & the Peckers, Jarekus Singleton, Moreland & Arbuckle, Diedre & Ruff Pro Band, Biscuit Miller, Shane Dwight, Victor Wainwright & the WildRoots April 5, SeaWalk Plaza, Jax Beach GRANT PEEPLES April 5, Mudville Music Room THOMAS WYNN & THE BELIEVERS, THE IVEY WEST BAND April 5, Underbelly SLICK RICK 25TH ANNIVERSARY TOURApril 5, Freebird Live THE ORIGINAL WAILERS April 5, The Standard SOUTH EAST BEAST April 5 & 6, Brewster’s Megaplex SPRINGING THE BLUES FEST: Linda Grenville & Friends, John Miller & Baystreet, Mama Blue, Toots Lorraine & the Traffic, Eric Steckel, The Legendary JC’s, The Lee Boys April 6, SeaWalk Plaza, Jax Beach DOUG STANHOPE April 6, Underbelly ANVIL, PRIMITIVE HARD DRIVE, ALL THINGS DONE April 6, Jack Rabbits FOX STREET ALLSTARS April 7, Underbelly THE REIGN OF KINDO April 7, Jack Rabbits AMOS LEE April 7, The Florida Theatre

A&E // MUSIC TANTRIC, SOIL April 8, Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Megaplex AUTHORITY ZERO April 9, Jack Rabbits DAVID JACOBS-STRAIN April 9, Mudville Music Room WANEE MUSIC FESTIVAL: The Allman Brothers Band, Trey Anastasio Band, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Tedeschi Trucks Band, Govâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Mule, Jaimoeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Jasssz Band, Umphreyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s McGee, Ziggy Marley, Blues Traveler, The Chris Robinson Brotherhood, Hot Tuna Electric, moe., Rusted Root, Ivan Nevilleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Dumpstaphunk, Soulive, Royal Southern Brotherhood, Walter Trout, Rob Garza (Thievery Corporation), Blind Boys of Alabama, Bobby Lee Rodgers, Melvin Seals & JGB, Futurebirds, Matt Schofield, Break Science, Sean Chambers, The Yeti Trio April 10-12, Spirit of the Suwannee Music Park THE BLIND BOYS OF ALABAMA April 11, P.V. Concert Hall MIKE EPPS April 11, T-U Center RAY WYLIE HUBBARD, THE 77Dâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S April 12, Jack Rabbits WHITE FANG, DENNEY & THE JETS, THE MOLD April 12, Burro Bar DOPAPOD, GREENHOUSE LOUNGE April 12, Freebird Live DIERKS BENTLEY, FRANKIE BALLARD, BROTHERS OSBORNE April 12, St. Augustine Amphitheatre OYSTER JAM MUSIC FEST April 12-13, Metropolitan Park JON VEZNER April 13, Mudville Music Room THE ZOMBIES April 13, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall MOON TAXI April 13, Jack Rabbits THE VALLEY ROOTS April 14, Underbelly THE DECORATION April 16, Jack Rabbits LEDISI April 16, The Florida Theatre LOCAL NATIVES April 17, Freebird Live MITCH KUHMAN BAND April 17, Sangrias MEAN MARY April 17, Mudville Music Room CONSIDER THE SOURCE April 18, Underbelly TECH N9NE, KRIZZ KALIKO, JARREN BRENTON, PSYCH WARD DRUGGIES, FREDDIE GIBBS April 18, Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Edge LESS THAN JAKE, SIDEREAL April 18, Jack Rabbits PASSAFIRE, LULLWATER April 18, Freebird Live CASKEY April 18, Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s LESS THAN JAKE, GENERAL TSOâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S FURY April 19, Jack Rabbits THE RESOLVERS, UNIVERSAL GREEN, THE MESSENGERS April 19, Underbelly MERCYGIRL, WHOSOEVER SOUTH April 19, Murray Hill Theatre BLESSTHEFALL, SILVERSTEIN, THE AMITY AFFLICTION, SECRETS, HEARTIST April 19, Freebird Live DARIUS RUCKER, ELI YOUNG BAND, COREY SMITH April 19, St. Augustine Amphitheatre SLAID CLEAVES April 19, Mudville Music Room MISHKA, SARAH BLACKER April 20, Jack Rabbits REHAB April 22, Jack Rabbits

Mon: Karaoke Tues: Karaoke Wed: Jam Nite / Open Mic

Heavy Hitters Club Host Band Synrgy Featuring Rocco Marshall, Derek Hess, Clinton Carver, Rick â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hurricaneâ&#x20AC;? Johnson and other special guests. That means you. 8:30 pm

Thurs: Amber De La Cruz Fri: Home of the Most Talented

Wait Staff Show begins 9pm till close

MILLION DOLLAR QUARTET April 22, T-U Center TODD SNIDER April 23, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall HURT April 23, Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Megaplex VANCE GILBERT April 24, Mudville Music Room GRIZ, MICHAL MENERT April 24, Freebird Live JANA KRAMER April 24, Mavericks at the Landing WHITE CHAPEL, CARNIFEX, WITHIN THE RUINS, CRUEL HAND April 24, Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Megaplex TAKING BACK SUNDAY, TONIGHT ALIVE, SLEEPWAVE April 25, Freebird Live TEXAS IN JULY, STRUCTURES, ERRA, MYKA, RELOCTE, ELITIST April 26, Atticus Bar LARRY MANGUM April 26, Mudville Music Room DICK DALE April 26, Jack Rabbits WELCOME TO ROCKVILLE: Avenged Sevenfold, The Cult, Motorhead, Volbeat, Chevelle, Alter Bridge, Hellyeah, Adelitas Way, Butcher Babies, Memphis May Fire, Chiodos, We as Human, Monster Truck, We Came as Romans, Middle Class Rut, Devour the Day April 26, Metropolitan Park WELCOME TO ROCKVILLE: Korn, Rob Zombie, Five Finger Death Punch, Staind, Seether, Theory of a Deadman, Black Label Society, Black Stone Cherry, Trivium, Motionless in White, Sick Puppies, Skindred, Pretty Reckless, Lacuna Coil, Fozzy, Kyng, Nothing More, 12 Foot Ninja April 27, Metro Park ANTIQUE ANIMALS April 27, Mellow Mushroom Jax Beach SANTANA April 27, St. Augustine Amphitheatre SOLE TOUR: Nate Holley, John Earle, Charlie Walker, Rachael Warfield, Odd Rodd, Matt Still April 27, Freebird Live BECCA STEVENS April 27, Underbelly UNDER THE STREETLAMP, GENTLEMANâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S RULE April 27, The Florida Theatre EASY STAR ALL-STARS, CAS HALEY, BIG HOPE April 28, Freebird Live CHUCK RAGAN & THE CAMARADARIE, JONNY TWO BAGS, BEAU CRUM April 28, Jack Rabbits ROB THOMAS April 29, The Florida Theatre JOHN LEGEND April 30, The Florida Theatre M. WARD April 30, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall AER April 30, Jack Rabbits SUWANNEE RIVER JAM: Brantley Gilbert, Montgomery Gentry, The Mavericks, Chris Cagle, Justin Moore, The Charlie Daniels Band, Colt Ford, The Lacs, JJ Lawhorn April 30-May 3, Spirit of the Suwannee Music Park LARRY MANGUM, JIM CARRICK, CHARLEY SIMMONS May 1, Mudville Music Room DA GUITAR STUDENT RECITAL May 3, Mudville Music Room BRIT FLOYD May 4, The Florida Theatre AMY GRANT May 4, T-U Centerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Jacoby Symphony Hall

WILLIE NELSON, ALISON KRAUSS, UNION STATION, JERRY DOUGLASS May 6, St. Augustine Amphitheatre TURKUAZ May 7, Underbelly THE HEAD AND THE HEART May 8, P.V. Concert Hall COMBICHRIST May 8, Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Megaplex THE HEAD AND THE HEART, LOST IN THE TREES May 8, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall THE FAB FOUR May 9, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall PROPAGANDA May 9, Murray Hill Theatre THE FAINT May 9, Freebird Live PURPLE HATTERâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BALL: Beats Antique, Emancipator Ensemble, The New Mastersounds, The Heavy Pets, The Nth Power, DubConscious, Space Capone, Rising Appalachia, Greenhouse Lounge May 9-11, Suwannee Music Park BEGGARâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S RIDE, MARK MANDEVILLE, RAIANNE RICHARDS May 10, Mudville Music Room MARION CRANE, BLEEDING IN STEREO, GHOSTWITCH May 10, Jack Rabbits LETLIVE., ARCHITECTS, GLASS CLOUD, I THE MIGHTY May 10, Brewsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Megaplex SMELLS LIKE GRUNGE (Nirvana cover band) May 10, Burro Bar MIKE PINTO, B-SIDE PLAYERS, OJO DE BUEY May 11, Freebird CONOR OBERST, DAWES May 13, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall YOU KNEW ME WHEN May 13, Underbelly CHER, CYNDI LAUPER May 14, Veterans Memorial Arena MIKE SHACKELFORD May 14, Mudville Music Room WOODY PINES May 15, Underbelly GLADYS KNIGHT May 16, T-U Center TEGAN & SARA, LUCIOUS, THE COURTNEYS May 16, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall CRAFT BEER FEST: Something Distant May 16, Veterans Memorial Arena THE GIPSY KINGS May 16, The Florida Theatre THE 1975 May 19, Freebird Live JACK JOHNSON, ALO May 20, St. Augustine Amphitheatre DALE CRICER, DELL SUGGS, BOB PATTERSON May 21, Mudville Music Room ANTIQUE ANIMALS May 22, Mellow Mushroom Jax Beach STYX, FOREIGNER, DON FELDER May 23, St. Augustine Amphitheatre UH HUH HER May 26, Jack Rabbits LADIES WITH LYRICS: Julie Durden, Rebecca Zapen, Brenda David May 30, Mudville Music Room TRAVELINâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; LIGHT, DEE ABOOD May 31, Mudville Music Room CHICAGO May 31, Metropolitan Park WEEZER June 6, St. Augustine Amphitheatre DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS June 6, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall GRIM ZIPPER TOUR: Scum, Dmize, Statik of Rx June 6,

WEDNESDAY Al Arena

THURSDAY Mark Williams

FRIDAY & SATURDAY Rick Arcusa Band

SUNDAY Splinters Atlantic Blvd. at the Ocean "UMBOUJD #FBDI r

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 25

A&E // MUSIC Brewster’s Megaplex SONGWRITER’S CIRCLE ANNIVESARY: Larry Mangum, Mike Shackelford, Jamie DeFrates June 7, Mudville Music Room BOSTON June 7, St. Augustine Amphitheatre CHRISTOPHER CROSS June 7, Metropolitan Park FLORIDA COUNTRY SUPERFEST: Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean, Eric Church, Miranda Lambert, Florida Georgia Line, Little Big Town, Big & Rich, Easton Corbin, Colt Ford, Joe Nichols June 14-15, EverBank Field ROD MacDONALD June 14, Mudville Music Room GYPSY STAR, REBECCA ZAPEN June 19, Mudville Music Room MERCYGIRL, WHOSOEVER SOUTH June 21, Murray Hill Theatre ANDY KING’S SUMMER SOLSTICE SOIREE June 21, Mudville Music Room SUMMER HORNS: Dave Koz, Mindi Abair, Gerald Albright, Richard Elliot June 26, The Florida Theatre JIM CARRICK, MAJA GIATANA June 26, Mudville Music Room DAVE MATTHEWS BAND July 15, Veterans Memorial Arena FALL OUT BOY, NEW POLITICS July 27, St. Augustine Amphitheatre ULTIMATE ELVIS BASH Aug. 9, The Florida Theatre PANIC! AT THE DISCO, WALK THE MOON, YOUNGBLOOD HAWKE Aug. 16, St. Augustine Amphitheatre 1964: THE TRIBUTE Sept. 13, The Florida Theatre MOTLEY CRUE, ALICE COOPER Oct. 19, Vets Memorial Arena

CLUBS AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA BEACH

DAVID’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE, 802 Ash St., 310-6049 John Springer every Tue.-Wed. Aaron Bing every Fri. & Sat. DOG STAR TAVERN, 10 N. Second St., 277-8010 Working Class Stiff 9:30 p.m. every Tue. THE PALACE SALOON, 117 Centre St., 491-3332 Schnockered 9:30 p.m. March 16. Buck Smith every Tue. THE SURF, 3199 S. Fletcher Ave., 491-8999 DJ Roc at 6 p.m. every Wed. Richard Smith 6 p.m. Fri. Honey Badgers every Sat.

ARLINGTON, REGENCY

BREWSTER’S MEGAPLEX, 845 University Blvd. N., 223-9850 Jack Russell’s Great White, Warning, River City Kats, Second Shot, Vintage Rose, Rosco Caine, Dicki Fliszar 10 p.m. March 13. Punk That!, Ultra Suck Mega Fuxxx, Southern Alabama Pie Cookoff, Prideless, Status Faux, Running Rampant March 15. La Dispute, Pianos Become the Teeth, Mansions March 16 MVP’S SPORTS GRILLE, 12777 Atlantic Blvd., 221-1090 Live music 9 p.m. every Fri. & Sat.

AVONDALE, ORTEGA

CASBAH CAFE, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966 Goliath Flores

every Wed. Live jazz every Sun. Live music every Mon. ECLIPSE, 4219 St. Johns Ave., 387-3582 DJ Keith every Tue. DJ Free every Fri. DJ SuZi-Rok every Mon. MOJO NO. 4, 3572 St. Johns Ave., 381-6670 Wes Cobb 10 p.m. March 14

BEACHES

(All venues in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted) 200 FIRST STREET, Courtyard, Neptune Beach, 249-2922 Jennifer Chase 7 p.m. March 14. Blue Muse March 15 CULHANE’S IRISH PUB, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595 Dublin City Ramblers 7 p.m. March 13. Cloud 9 March 14. The Walker Family Band March 15. JK Wayne, Road Less Traveled March 16. Irish music every Sun. FLYING IGUANA, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 853-5680 3 the Band 10 p.m. March 14. Black Cat Bones 10 p.m. March 15. Red Beard & Stinky E 10 p.m. every Thur. Darren Corlew every Sun. FLY’S TIE IRISH PUB, 177 E. Sailfish Dr., Atlantic Beach, 246-4293 Wes Cobb every Thur. Charlie Walker Mon. FREEBIRD LIVE, 200 N. First St., 246-2473 Tribal Seeds, New Kingston, Innavision 7 p.m. March 13. Parkridge, Your Best Friend & My Favorite Band, Artilect, All Things Done 8 p.m. March 14. Morning Fatty, Sowflo, Weekend Atlas, Garrett on Acoustic March 15. We the Kings, This Century, Crash the Party March 16 LANDSHARK CAFE, 1728 Third St. N., 246-6024 Grandpa’s Cough Medicine 9 p.m. March 13. Open mic every Wed. Matt Still every Thur. LYNCH’S IRISH PUB, 514 N. First St., 249-5181 Kickin Lassie 10 p.m. March 14 & 15. Be Easy Mon. Split Tone every Thur. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1018 N. Third St., 246-1500 Mark O’Quinn 8 p.m. March 12. Orange Juice March 13. Ivey West Band March 14. Yankee Slickers March 15. DiCarlo Thompson March 19 MEZZA LUNA, 110 First St., Neptune Beach, 249-5573 Neil Dixon every Tue. Mike Shackelford & Rick Johnson every Thur. NORTH BEACH BISTRO, 725 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 372-4105 Gary Lee Wingard March 13. Neil Dixon March 14. Mickey Mouth 7:30 p.m. March 15 PIER CANTINA, 412 N. First St., 246-6454 Ryan Campbell & Charlie Walker every Fri. Split Tone every Sun. RAGTIME TAVERN, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7877 Al Arena March 12. Mark Williams March 13. Rick Arcusa Band March 14 & 15. The Splinters March 16 WIPEOUTS GRILL, 1589 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 247-4508 Bill Rice 7 p.m. March 13. Doyle Primm 9:30 p.m. March 14

DOWNTOWN

1904 MUSIC HALL, 19 Ocean St. N. Phuk the Politics, No Blarney 8 p.m. March 14 ATTICUS BAR, 325 W. Forsyth St., 634-8813 Exmortus, Lich King 8 p.m. March 13 BURRO BAR, 100 E. Adams St., 677-2977 Dogs, Playground Heroes, Animalight 8 p.m. March 15. Redrick Sultan, Greys 8 p.m. March 17. Nobra Noma, Skybison March 19 DOS GATOS, 123 E. Forsyth St., 354-0666 DJ NickFresh 9 p.m. every Sat. FIONN MacCOOL’S, Jax Landing, Ste. 176, 374-1247 Braxton Adamson 5 p.m., Seven Nations 9 p.m. March 14. Take Cover 8:30 p.m. March 15. Rathkeltair 7 p.m. March 16. Jig to a Milestone 9 a.m., Spade McQuade & the All Stars 12:30 p.m., Jimmy O’Salori 5 p.m., U-Zoo 7:30 p.m., Something Distant 10 p.m. March 17 JACKSONVILLE LANDING, 2 Independent Dr., 353-1188 Full Throttle 6-10 p.m. March 13. Mango Margarita Band 8 p.m.-1 a.m. March 14. George Aspinall Band noon-4 p.m., Radio 80 8 p.m.-1 a.m. March 15. Live music every Fri. & Sat. MARK’S DOWNTOWN, 315 E. Bay St., 355-5099 DJ Roy Luis Wed. DJ Vinn Thur. DJ 007 every Fri. Bay Street every Sat. MAVERICKS, Jax Landing, 2 Independent Dr., 356-1110 Green Bikini Contest March 14. Joe Buck, Big Tasty spin Thur.-Sat. UNDERBELLY, 113 E. Bay St., 353-6067 The Gas House Gorillas 9 p.m. March 12. Margo Rey 9 p.m. March 14. Gravity A, S.P.O.R.E. at 9 p.m. March 15

FLEMING ISLAND

MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1800 Town Center Blvd., 541-1999 Live music Fri. & Sat. WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198 Tony Paul Neal 5 p.m., Super Natural 9:30 p.m. March 14. Big Al & the Kaholics 9:30 p.m. March 15. Deck music at 5 p.m. every Fri. & Sat., 4:30 p.m. every Sun. DJ BG every Mon.

INTRACOASTAL WEST

CLIFF’S BAR & GRILL, 3033 Monument Rd., 645-5162 Live music 8 p.m. March 13 SALSA’S MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 13500 Beach Blvd., 992-8402 Live guitar music 6-9 p.m. every Tue. & Sat.

MANDARIN, JULINGTON

HARMONIOUS MONKS, 10550 Old St. Augustine, 880-3040 Open mic: Synergy 8 p.m. every Wed. Dennis Klee & the World’s Most Talented Waitstaff 9 p.m. every Fri.

ORANGE PARK, MIDDLEBURG

THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells, 272-5959 John Michael Wed.-Sat. PREVATT’S SPORTS BAR, 2620 Blanding Blvd., 282-1564 Herd of Watts 9 p.m. March 15. DJ Tammy 9 p.m. every Wed. THE ROADHOUSE, 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611 Love Monkey 10 p.m. March 14 & 15. Live music every Thur.-Sat.

PONTE VEDRA, PALM VALLEY

PUSSER’S GRILLE, 816 A1A N., 280-7766 Live music every Fri. & Sat. SoundStage Sun. TABLE 1, 330 A1A N., Ste. 208, 280-5515 St. Auggie Grass Band 6 p.m. March 12. Gary Starling Jazz Band 7:30 p.m. March 13. The Rubies March 14. Paxton & Mike 7:30 p.m. March 15. Deron Baker at 6 p.m. March 19

RIVERSIDE, WESTSIDE

KICKBACKS, 910 King St., 388-9551 Ray & Taylor 8:30 p.m. every Thur. Robby Shenk every Sun. MURRAY HILL THEATRE, 932 Edgewood Ave. S., 388-7807 Decided by Fate, Amongst the Forgotten, Hour of Peril, Devil in the Oasis 7:30 p.m. March 14. Alexis Rhode 8 p.m. March 15 O’BROTHERS IRISH PUB, 1521 Margaret St., 854-9300 Grandpa’s Cough Medicine, Firewater Tent Revival 5:30 p.m. March 17 RIVERSIDE ARTS MARKET, 715 Riverside Ave. Brent Byrd, Shawn Lightfoot & the 1911’s, Acoustic Flutation March 15

ST. AUGUSTINE

A1A ALE WORKS, 1 King St., 829-2977 Christopher Dean Band 8 p.m. March 13-15 ANN O’MALLEY’S, 23 Orange St., 825-4040 Dublin Train Wreck March 12. The Wobbly Toms 8:30 p.m. March 15. Jig to a Mile March 16. Ric Welch 4 p.m., Strumstick 8:30 p.m. March 17 CAFE ELEVEN, 501 A1A Beach Blvd., St. Augustine Beach, 460-9311 Pierce Pettis 8 p.m. March 13 CELLAR UPSTAIRS, 157 King St., 826-1594 Oh No! March 14. Ian Kelly, Mid-Life Crisis March 15. Vinny Jacobs March 16 MELLOW MUSHROOM, 410 Anastasia Blvd., 826-4040 Grandpa’s Cough Medicine at 9 p.m. March 14 MILL TOP TAVERN & LISTENING ROOM, 19 1/2 St. George St., 829-2329 Live music 9 p.m. March 14 & 15 TRADEWINDS, 124 Charlotte St., 829-9336 Those Guys 9 p.m. March 14 & 15. Matanzas Sun.-Thur. Elizabeth Roth Sat.

ST. JOHNS TOWN CENTER

BLACKFINN GRILLE, 4840 Big Island Dr., 345-3466 Live music 5 p.m. every Wed., 9 p.m. every Thur.-Sat. SUITE, 4880 Big Island Dr., 493-9305 Live music 9 p.m. every Fri. & Sat.

SAN MARCO, SOUTHBANK

JACK RABBITS, 1528 Hendricks Ave., 398-7496 Les Racquet, The Accomplices, Worth Road March 12. OuterEdge, Unknown Liquid, Oscar Mike, Bethany Stockdale, Nic Stephens March 14. Music for Meows: Rock Hell Victory, Jenni Reid, Lauren Fincham, Andy King, Jo Charles Project, Dixie Rodeo March 15. Take the Stage-4 Donny: His Name Was Iron, Fit for Rivals, Grandpa’s Cough Medicine, Canary in the Coalmine, Tom Bennett Band, P.U.B., Superjam 2 p.m. March 16. Black Dahlia Murder, Gorguts, Noisem March 17. We Butter the Bread with Butter, Lions Lions, Honour Crest Devil in the Oasis March 19 MUDVILLE MUSIC ROOM, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., 352-7008 Dana Cooper 7:30 p.m. March 13. Harpeth Rising, Honey Boy, Boots 7:30 p.m. March 14. Toots Lorraine & the Traffic March 15. Walker Family Band March 17. The Honeycutters March 19

SOUTHSIDE

ISLAND GIRL, 7860 Gate Pkwy., Ste. 115, 854-6060 Live music 8 p.m. March 14 & 15 LATITUDE 30, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555 VJ Didactic at 9 p.m. March 13. Boogie Freaks 9 p.m. March 14 & 15 SEVEN BRIDGES, 9735 Gate Parkway N., 997-1999 Live music Fri. & Sat. WILD WING CAFE, 4555 Southside Blvd., 998-9464 Chris Brinkley March 12. Chilly Rhino March 13. Contraband March 14. The Gootch March 15

SPRINGFIELD, NORTHSIDE

DAMES POINT MARINA, 4542 Irving Rd., 751-3043 Live music every Fri. & Sat. HWY. 17 ROADHOUSE, 850532 U.S. 17, Yulee, 225-9211 Davis Turner Band 3 p.m. March 16. Live music Fri. & Sat. THREE LAYERS COFFEEHOUSE, 1602 Walnut St., 355-9791 Mama Blue 6:30 p.m. March 18

26 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

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Sal

A Mysterious, Sensual Prism

Paolo Sorrentino’s ‘The Great Beauty,’ which should have been up for Best Picture, more than lives up to its name THE GREAT BEAUTY ***G

Not Rated • Opens March 14 at Sun-Ray Cinema

he word “Felliniesque” is tossed around too liberally. Films given that label often contain some of the fantastical elements of Italian director Federico Fellini’s works but little of the quality. The Great Beauty (La Grande Bellezza in its native Italian) is imbued with both, boldly planting itself among the top five movies of 2013 and taking home an Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film. Directed by Paolo Sorrentino, who is sometimes compared to Fellini, The Great Beauty stars the brilliant Toni Servillo as Jep, a journalist and socialite. After celebrating his 65th birthday in a style befitting a hedonistic prince, Jep begins to question not just his life but his entire world, and if he’ll ever discover real beauty and, therefore, truth. “To this question, as kids, my friends always gave the same answer: pussy,” Jep says. “Whereas I answered: ‘the smell of old people’s houses.’ The question was: ‘What do you like most, really, in life?’ I was destined for sensibility. I was destined to become a writer. I was destined to become Jep Gambardella.” Despite this sensibility, Jep finds a perverse pleasure in his social status. “I wanted to be the king of high life,” he says. “I didn’t just want to go to parties. I wanted to have the power to make them a failure.” Yet, as the film progresses, Jep increasingly recognizes that he is lost, as are all the characters, including a Vatican cardinal who, though a favorite to succeed to the papacy, is unable to offer a single word of wisdom. Surrounded by decadence, extravagance and pretention, Jep is looking for something greater. He’s essentially an aged version of Marcello Rubini, a character played by Marcello Mastroianni in La Dolce Vita, also a playboy

and journalist. Indeed, Sorrentino’s entire film is an update of the 1960 Fellini classic and a commentary on Rome. Even Jep’s closest companions, a stripper and a failed actor, are interpretations of the Eternal City, right down to their names, Ramona and Romano. In stark contrast is the long-lost love of Jep’s life, the aptly named Elisa de Santis, whom we learn, in an Elysian Fields visual metaphor, may be the only beauty Jep has ever known. All these life lessons are told through the swirling, masterful mosaic of Luca Bigazzi’s

“I wanted to be the king of high life. I didn’t just want to go to parties. I wanted to have the power to make them a failure.”

cinematography, the intellectual editing of Cristiano Travaglioli and Sorrentino’s surreal storytelling. Using non-traditional narrative, comedy, heartbreak, juxtaposition of the vulgar and the sacred, and symbolism that can’t be appreciated in a single viewing, the director/writer has given us a mysterious, sensual prism through which to view our own shortcomings and longings. I end with an open letter to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: Confining this great beauty of a movie to the foreignlanguage category instead of nominating it for best overall offering is a travesty. Add the snubs for The Act of Killing — yes, documentaries can be nominated for best film — and Inside Llewyn Davis, and this year’s statuettes aren’t even worth the cost of the gold it took to make them. Cameron Meier mail@folioweekly.com

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 27

A&E // MOVIES

MAGIC LANTERNS

The Original Was Better

ilm remakes are generally bad ideas, at least when a good movie is being revisited. If the original movie was a stinker, what’s there to lose? Of course, a bad movie isn’t likely to be remade — one hopes, anyway. Having seen the new Robocop and watched Martin Scorsese at the Oscars, I was reminded of the esteemed director’s own curious venture into the remake realm. The movie was Cape Fear, in 1991. Scorsese offered his reimagining of the original 1962 film, which he described as a “perfect B movie.” Directed by J. Lee Thompson, the original Fear starred Gregory Peck as a Southern lawyer whose family becomes the target of a vengeful predator, played by Robert Mitchum. Filmed in blackand-white, and with a memorable score by the great Bernard Herrmann, the earlier film was a masterful thriller whose cast and crew elevated it well above the B level. Though Peck won an Oscar the following year, playing another lawyer in To Kill a Mockingbird, Robert Mitchum steals Cape Fear. Serving as his own producer, Peck realized the character of Max Cady (Mitchum’s role) was the focus of the film; he personally solicited Mitchum for the part. Mitchum responded with one of the best performances of his career, rivaling the psychotic preacher/ murderer he played to perfection in Charles Laughton’s Night of the Hunter (1955). Scorsese approached his remake with all the technical virtuosity he’s continued to hone throughout the years, particularly in editing. The result is very flashy indeed. Where the original Cape Fear smoldered and simmered, Scorsese’s version blasts and explodes. His striking visuals and dynamic cutting aren’t enough to distract from the largely unappealing, unsympathetic and sometimes preposterous characters, however. Instead of a suspenseful thriller, what Scorsese ultimately delivers is more of a horror film, particularly in terms of the deliriously sadistic climax. The credibility and menace of the ’60s film bubbles over into a ’90s psychodrama of marital discord, religious fanaticism, sexual perversion and unmitigated brutality, with Nick Nolte subbing for Gregory Peck and Jessica Lange as his weepy, irritated wife, a role that went to future game-show panelist Polly Bergen in ’62. Robert De Niro’s Max Cady, festooned with tattoos of religious vengeance, has more in common with Jason Voorhees than Mitchum’s more convincing villain. Everything in Scorsese’s film is exponentially exaggerated and overblown. As opposed to Mitchum’s character, who spends seven years in the slammer for sexual assault, De Niro is in there for 14, during which time he goes from being illiterate to well-versed in everything from the Bible and the writings of Nietzsche to Henry Miller and Thomas Wolfe, his literary education sandwiched in between a variety of prison sexual torments that, thank goodness, are merely described instead of shown. Where Mitchum contents himself with beating up a prostitute, De Niro handcuffs his victim to a bed, proceeding to literally bite off her cheek as foreplay. Mitchum kills one person on-screen; De Niro gets two (in glorious color). The climax in the original takes place in and around a houseboat on a quiet river; Scorsese gives us a raging maelstrom with all kinds of additional blood, guts and fireworks to boot. Products of their respective times, the two versions of Cape Fear are a perfect example of how an expensive remake, even in the hands of a masterful filmmaker, can still fail to measure up to its more modest predecessor. Something new is not always something gained.

Pat McLeod mail@folioweekly.com 28 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

**** ***@ **@@ *@@@

FILM RATINGS

TALLADEGA NIGHTS THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS THE CANNONBALL RUN SPEED RACER

OTHER FILMS

TRUE TO THIS This love note to board-maker – skate, surf and snow – Volcom premieres at 5 p.m. March 16 at Aqua East Surf Shop, 696 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, free, 246-2550. Pro surfers and skaters are on hand to sign autographs. TEDxJACKSONVILLE A simulcast of the TED2014 Conference in Vancouver is screened at 6 p.m. March 18 at Sun-Ray Cinema, 1028 Park St., 5 Points, 359-0047, sunraycinema.com. Admission is free but registration is required; go to tedxjacksonville.com. LATITUDE 30 MOVIES The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and Nut Job are currently screened at Latitude 30’s CineGrille Theater, 10370 Philips Highway, Southside, 365-5555, facebook.com/latitude30. WORLD GOLF HALL OF FAME IMAX THEATER We the People, Great White Shark 3D, Tornado Alley 3D and To the Arctic 3D are screened at World Golf Hall of Fame IMAX Theater, 1 World Golf Place, St. Augustine, worldgolfimax.com.

NOW SHOWING

12 YEARS A SLAVE **** Rated R Chiwetel Ejiofor is great in the powerful Oscar-winning film based on real events. He plays Solomon, a free black man in pre-Civil War New York who’s abducted, then sold into slavery for 12 cruel years. He meets a Canadian abolitionist and hopes his misery is over. Lupita Nyong’o just scored an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Co-stars Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender and Quvenzhané Wallis. 20 FEET FROM STARDOM **** Rated PG-13 You know their voices, but not their names. Director Morgan Neville puts the spotlight on the backup singers of some of the most well-known performers in this documentary, which won the Best Documentary Oscar, examining their sacrifices and hard work. Co-starring Darlene Love, Merry Clayton and Lisa Fischer. 3 DAYS TO KILL Rated PG-13 Kevin Costner, who’s suddenly everywhere these days, plays a terminally ill Secret Service agent who’s got one last chance to live if he takes a new drug … and goes on a final top-secret mission. Hmmm – life-saving drug vs killing another human being? Toss me that Glock. 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE *G@@ Rated R Evil superbitch Persian naval officer Artemisia (Eva Green) is smarter, more competent and more ambitious than all the men she commands. Director Noam Murro’s action/Greek mythology flick co-stars Sullivan Stapleton, Lena Headey and the sincerely beguiling Hans Matheson. ABOUT LAST NIGHT Rated R One-night stands may be fun, but this bunch of beautiful, young devil-may-care people takes the practice to the next level. Co-stars the quite amusing Kevin Hart, Michael Ealy, Regina Hall and Joy Bryant. AMERICAN HUSTLE **G@ Rated R Writer-director David O. Russell has fashioned a cinematic junk heap that’s likeable and engaging despite a long running time and sloppy screenplay. For professional scam artist Irving Rosenfeld (Christian Bale), working with the Feds is tougher than running cons. He’s helping the FBI (Bradley Cooper) nab public officials on the take in the infamous Abscam operation. Co-stars the sly and sexy Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence. BETHLEHEM Not Rated An Israeli Secret Service agent cultivates a relationship of sorts with an informant, who happens to be Palestinian. Costars Tsahi Halevi, Shadi Mar’i and Hitham Mari. In Hebrew and Arabic. DALLAS BUYERS CLUB ***G Rated R The drama, based on a true story, stars Oscar-winner Matthew McConaughey as redneck electrician Ron, who learns he’s HIV positive, and Oscar-winner Jared Leto as tranny Rayon in Dallas, 1985. Co-stars Jennifer Garner and Steve Zahn. All right, all right, all right.

ENDLESS LOVE Rated PG-13 Young, mismatched, lovestruck kids try to stay together when their mean old parents try to split them apart. Co-stars Gabriella Wilde, Alex Pettyfer and Bruce Greenwood.

PHILOMENA **** Rated PG-13 Writer Martin (Steve Coogan) needs a career boost. Philomena (Dame Judi Dench) wants to find the son she was forced to give up by not-so-holy nuns decades earlier.

FROZEN ***G Rated PG Disney’s Oscar-winning animated feature about sisters Princess Anna (Kristen Bell) and Queen Elsa (Idina Menzel), in this Golden Globe-winner. And hey, parents, check out details for the sing-along at some theaters – “Let It Go” won a Best Original Song Oscar!

POMPEII Rated PG-13 We did a fifth-grade report on Mt. Vesuvius and the terrible volcano that wiped out a whole civilization. Shoulda waited for the movie. Co-stars Dylan Schombing, Rebecca Eady and Kiefer Can’t-wait-to-be-Jack-Bauer-again Sutherland.

THE GREAT BEAUTY ***G Not Rated • Opens March 14, Sun-Ray Cinema Reviewed in this issue. THE LEGO MOVIE ***@ Rated PG Writers and directors Chris Miller and Phillip Lord’s wildly popular, entertaining, subversive animated feature about colorful toy bricks co-stars the vocal talents of Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Will Arnett, Chris Pratt and Will Ferrell. LONE SURVIVOR Rated R Mark Wahlberg stars in this action/bio/drama based on actual events of a failed 2005 SEAL team mission. Co-stars Emile Hirsch and Taylor Kitsch. THE MONUMENTS MEN Rated PG-13 George Clooney directs and stars in this fact-based film about a group of un-soldier types – think the opposite of The Dirty Dozen – museum curators, historians and art experts who go into enemy territory during WWII to save thousands of stolen masterpieces from destruction by the Nazis. Co-stars Matt Damon, Bill Murray, John Goodman and the adorable Bob Balaban. MR. PEABODY & SHERMAN Rated PG We remember these guys from the Rocky and His Friends (which included Bullwinkle, who always had the wrong hat) TV cartoon series; Sherman was the kinda dopey human boy, adopted by an inventive, scholarly dog, Mr. Peabody. We especially miss the Wayback Machine, which we never knew was actually spelled WABAC. Huh. Co-stars the voices of Ty Burrell, Max Charles, Allison Janney and Stephen Colbert. NEED FOR SPEED **G@ Rated PG-13 • Opens March 14 Reviewed in this issue. NON-STOP Rated PG-13 Liam Neeson may have found his niche as an action hero, despite his astonishing turn as Oskar Schindler – you know, that guy with that list. Here he’s an air marshal being texted by a bad guy on his transatlantic flight, threatening to kill passengers unless he gets $150 million. Co-stars Julianne Moore, Nate Parker and a guy named Scoot McNairy, which isn’t a very distinguished actor-name. Scoot … sounds like his next movie will be Jackass 4.5. THE NUT JOB Rated PG Will Arnett voices Surly, a rebellious squirrel banned from the park to roam the mean city streets. He plans his revenge: raid the nut store. Co-stars the vocal cords of Brendan Fraser, Katherine Heigl and Jeff Dunham. OMAR ***G Not Rated Adam Bakri stars in Hany Abu-Assad’s thriller as Omar, a young Palestinian who becomes an informant for Israeli intelligence when he’s captured after he’s involved in a sniper attack on the army base. There’s lots of action and intrigue, but it’s not just an effective thriller; it’s a morality tale with universal themes that takes on the vibe of a film noir in its fatalistic final moments.

REPENTANCE Rated R A spiritual advisor is supposed to help dispirited folks; here the advisor is Thomas Carter (Anthony Mackie), who has a nutcase for a client, Angel (Forest Whitaker). Angel kidnaps Tommy and all hell breaks loose. With Sanaa Lathan and Mike Epps. RIDE ALONG Rated PG-13 Kevin Hart is a smart-mouthed security guard engaged to Angela (Tika Sumpter) whose brother James (Ice Cube) is a cop. Co-stars John Leguizamo and Jay Pharoah. ROBOCOP *@@@ Rated PG-13 This dreadful reboot of the 1987 cult classic is 108 minutes of blah action and half-measures. Co-stars Samuel L. Jackson, Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman and Michael Keaton. THE SINGLE MOMS CLUB Rated PG-13 • Opens March 14 The unstoppable Tyler Perry has churned out another pleasant, sexy, movie-with-a-moral about … duh … unmarried mothers. These ladies (Nia Long, Amy Smart, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Cocoa Brown, Zulay Henao) bond over their kids’ school problems, then become friends. Rounding out the cast are Ryan Eggold, Eddie Cibrian, William Levy and, of course, Mr. Perry, who also wrote and directed. Have to mention Terry Crews, too, who’s enjoying well-deserved success as Sgt. Terry Jeffords in the new award-winning TV cop comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine. SON OF GOD **@@ Rated PG-13 Devout Christians may find it powerful, casual church-goers may find it moving but a bit heavy-handed, and some nonChristians, agnostics and atheists may think it’s preachy. Mark Burnett and Roma Downey, who plays Mary, produced. Co-stars Sebastian Knapp, Adrian Schiller (Caiaphas), Diogo Morgado (Jesus) and Amber Rose Revah (Mary Magdalene). Every time we type the title of this movie, we can’t help but think of National Lampoon’s terrific Son-O’-God Comics, by the great Sean Kelly. Now that was some holy shit. STALINGRAD Rated R Filmed on location in St. Petersburg, Russia, the action war drama is about Russian soldiers who held their own against the German army. In Russian and German. VERONICA MARS Rated PG-13 • Opens March 14 Veronica (Kristen Bell) was a private eye when she was just a high-school girl; now she’s back for a class reunion and gets roped into helping solve a murky murder. And wouldn’t you just know it? Her ex-flame from back in the day – what did she see in him? – is knee-deep in the intrigue. Co-stars Jason Dohring, Krysten Ritter and Jerry O’Connell (yes, that fat kid from Stand By Me who grew up to be oddly hot). THE WIND RISES **G@ Rated PG-13 • Opens March 14, Sun-Ray Cinema Reviewed in this issue. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET ***G Rated R Hotshot stockbroker Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio) has a mansion, yacht, jet, cars, cocaine – everything money can buy. Co-stars Jonah Hill, Rob Reiner, Kyle Chandler and Hollywood’s current golden boy Matthew McConaughey.

AREA THEATERS AMELIA ISLAND Carmike 7, 1132 S. 14th St., Fernandina Beach, 261-9867 ARLINGTON & REGENCY AMC Regency 24, 9451 Regency Square Blvd., 264-3888 BAYMEADOWS & MANDARIN Regal Avenues 20, 9525 Philips Highway, 538-3889 BEACHES Regal Beach Blvd. 18, 14051 Beach Blvd., 992-4398 FIVE POINTS Sun-Ray Cinema@5Points, 1028 Park St., 359-0047 GREEN COVE SPRINGS Clay Theatre, 326 Walnut St., 284-9012 NORTHSIDE Regal River City, 12884 City Center Blvd., 757-9880

ORANGE PARK AMC Orange Park 24, 1910 Wells Road, (888) AMC-4FUN Carmike 12, 1820 Town Center Blvd., Fleming Island, 621-0221 SAN MARCO San Marco Theatre, 1996 San Marco Blvd., 396-4845 SOUTHSIDE Cinegrille Theater, Latitude 30, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555 Cinemark Tinseltown, 4535 Southside Blvd., 998-2122 ST. AUGUSTINE Epic Theatres, 112 Theatre Drive, 797-5757 IMAX Theater, World Golf Village, 940-IMAX Pot Belly’s, 36 Granada St., 829-3101

A&E // MOVIES

In the Driver’s Seat

Aaron Paul ditches the hazmat suit for an alpha-male action-hero role that doesn’t quite fit NEED FOR SPEED **G@

Rated PG-13 • Opens March 14

t takes a sizeable sack of balls for a car-chase movie like Need for Speed to feature an early scene in which characters are gathered at a drive-in watching Bullitt. The 1968 Steve McQueen cop drama featured one of the most legendary car chases in cinema history through the streets of San Francisco, and while showing a piece of that scene might be considered a hattip of respect, it’s a metaphorical demonstration of swagger as loud as cars revving at the starting line. “Here’s the grand tradition of men and their motors,” Need for Speed announces, “and we belong here.” But there’s another sense in which that comparison is a risky one: placing Aaron Paul in the same tradition as Steve McQueen. Because as gifted as Paul has shown himself to be — whether in his run on Breaking Bad or in his subsequent indie-film showcase roles like Smashed — there’s a difference between being an actor and being a leading man. A movie like Need for Speed — giving Paul his first above-the-title multiplex starring role — certainly depends on energetic showpieces for the vehicles, but it also depends on a certain alpha-male “it” factor in the driver’s seat. Does Paul have “it”? Director Scott Waugh (Act of Valor) certainly gives us every indication that we’re supposed to think so, introducing Paul’s character, Tobey Marshall, with a sweeping hero-pose shot up Paul’s body. Tobey’s a gearhead in upstate New York trying to keep his family’s body shop afloat while scratching out extra money in late-night street races. But his need for cash to save the business leads to an encounter with one-time rival-turned-proracer Dino Brewster (Dominic Cooper) that ends tragically, with Tobey off to jail. Two years later, his shot at redemption is facing Dino in a secret high-stakes race, driving a legendary, valuable souped-up Mustang cross-country, with the shotgun seat occupied by Julia (Imogen Poots), a flunky of the car’s owner. Yes, that’s a crap-load of plot for a fastdriving action narrative, and screenwriter George Gatins takes plenty of time building to the centerpiece coast-to-coast journey, with Tobey’s willing wingmen (Scott Mescudi, Rami

Malek and Ramon Rodriguez) providing cover and support. It’s thick with setting up supporting characters — like Tobey’s ex-girlfriend/now Dino’s girlfriend, Anita (Dakota Johnson) — who ultimately don’t matter and trying to mimic that “we’re all tough guys, but we’re also family” vibe from the Fast & Furious series. Movies about crazy-fast cars driven crazily sure have gotten sensitive all of a sudden. When veteran stunt coordinator Waugh gets down to the fully analog road action, though, Need for Speed proves surprisingly muscular. The plot throws in pieces of other cranked-up road trip movies, from Vanishing Point to Smokey and the Bandit to Thelma & Louise, and generally shows that it belongs with the big boys as Tobey and Julia try to dodge both the police and the guys after the

Movies about crazy-fast cars driven crazily sure have gotten sensitive. bounty Dino put on their heads. Our heroes blast through urban streets and rural backroads with a satisfying down-to-earth physicality. It gets both loonier and more conventional by the time the climactic race rolls around — with Michael Keaton providing giddy play-by-play as the race’s mysterious maestro — but there’s a nuts-and-bolts simplicity to the metalcrunching and wheel-burning, edited together in such a way that, amazingly, you can actually tell what’s going on. Then there’s the stuff that happens when cars aren’t roaring a couple hundred miles an hour, and that’s where Paul has to be the anchor. He’s not, however. The gravelly voice and three-day beard are efforts at the requisite “badassitude,” and he has a solid chemistry with Poots. Yet Poots demonstrates a charismatic quality Paul just doesn’t match; it’s like he’s a character wearing an “action hero” suit that’s the wrong size. Paul’s a terrific acting talent, but there’s a different set of muscles required to carry a movie like Need for Speed. If you want to know what those muscles look like, the drive-in sequence at the beginning has a rental suggestion for you. Scott Renshaw mail@folioweekly.com MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 29

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A World with Pyramids

Declared Miyazaki’s last film, this animated biopic focuses on the purity of warplanes’ creation, not their use in war

Rated PG-13 • Opens March 14 at Sun Ray Cinema

30 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

here is a point in Hayao Miyazaki’s lusciously animated biopic in which a character tells Jirô Horikoshi, the film’s protagonist, that, all things being equal, he prefers “a world with pyramids.” The implication is, of course, that even though the pyramids were built upon the blood and backs of slaves, our world is better for having them. It is an argument Louis C.K. brilliantly deconstructs in his “But maybe ...” routine: That the human race can accomplish amazing things when it doesn’t give a shit about the pain, death and suffering that others will endure. © 2014 Though I am hardly on the side of the pyramids, I certainly understand the value of the point being made. But as an excuse for producing a nonjudgmental film about the aeronautical engineer who happily designed fighter planes for the megalomaniacal Japanese military of WWII, it seems an ill fit for a filmmaker whose work has often criticized the belligerent impulses that foment war. It’s like celebrating the career of J. Robert Oppenheimer without ever acknowledging the devastation visited upon Hiroshima or Nagasaki. We first meet Jirô (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) before he dreams of zeros. Instead, he visits his favorite airplane designer, Giovanni Caproni (voiced by Stanley Tucci). “Airplanes are beautiful dreams,” his ghostly mentor tells him. But soon nightmares take over, as strange war-like demons attack. It’s the only time Jirô wrestles with the implications of his chosen field. Because of poor eyesight, the young Jirô takes up engineering instead of flight. Miyazaki follows him through the great Kanto Earthquake of 1923, to his early years designing aircraft for Mitsubishi, to his courtship of

tubercular Nahoko (Emily Blunt), to his fateful visit to Germany where he learns how the Junkers build their warplanes (nary a swastika or Iron Cross is seen). Along the way, it’s clear that Miyazaki is trying to focus his story on the purity of creation Jirô seeks, not the impurity of their use. Wielding his slide rule like a sword and consumed with a boundless love of aviation, he is presented as an artist of sorts — albeit, a polite and incurious nerd of an artist whose passion for planes is nearly matched by his passion for smoking. If director Miyazaki is claiming that an artist cannot be held responsible for how his art is abused, his film makes a poor case for it. The fact that Jirô’s beautifully designed machines will be used to massacre others is never once questioned. He isn’t just blasé about this; he seems morally apathetic. In one scene, Jirô shows off his designs for a fast, graceful plane that, unfortunately, won’t work with guns mounted on it. Laughing, he discards the plans for ones of crafts that will accommodate bombs and machine-guns. As Miyazaki’s supposedly last film (his declarations of retirement seem uncertain), there is a palpable sense of sadness and loss in The Wind Rises. You get the feeling that he’s lamenting the loss of a simpler, more innocent world rather than insidious influences of war. Jirô’s dying wife becomes sicker as his fighter plane designs get better, and there’s the echoing sentiment that no matter how pure his love, death and ruin are inevitable. In the end, though, as Jirô walks through a dreamscape of broken planes beneath a sky filled with gleaming bombers, he mourns the fact that his planes never came back, not the annihilation they delivered. It’s curious that Miyazaki feels so much for a man who seemed to feel so little. Jeff Meyers mail@folioweekly.com

A&E // ARTS PERFORMANCE

I OUGHT TO BE IN PICTURES Neil Simon’s classic play about a Hollywood screenwriter, played by Richard Karn of Home Improvement, who has commitment issues when a daughter he didn’t know he had shows up with dreams of stardom; dinner at 6 p.m. March 12-14, and at 11 a.m. and 6 p.m. March 15 and 16, shows follow, at Alhambra Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., Southside, $38-$55, 641-1212, alhambrajax.com. IN WHITE AMERICA Flagler College Theatre Arts Department performs a staged reading of the documentary play, which won an Off-Broadway Drama Desk Award. Each performance, which includes a letter from a runaway slave and a speech by a Southern senator, is followed by a Q&A session, 7:30 p.m. March 13-15 and 2 p.m. March 16 at Lewis Auditorium, 14 Granada St., St. Augustine, 826-8600, $10. THE MISS FIRECRACKER CONTEST Carnelle rehearses for Miss Firecracker – a win will salvage her tarnished rep – then her cousin Elaine, a former Miss Firecracker, shows up. 7:30 p.m. March 13-30 (Sunday matinees available), on Limelight Theatre’s Matuza Main Stage, 11 Old Mission Ave., St. Augustine, $10-$25, 825-1164, limelight-theatre.org. MOTHERHOOD OUT LOUD What they didn’t tell you in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. The comedy shatters traditional notions about parenthood, 7:30 p.m. March 13-15 at Fernandina Little Theatre, 1014 Beech St., Fernandina Beach, $15-$16.50, ameliaflt.org. ALICE IN WONDERLAND Amelia Community Theatre hosts Mad Hatter’s Tea Parties one hour before each show, which are at 7 p.m. March 14, at 1 and 7 p.m. March 15 and 1 p.m. March 16 at ACT’s Studio 209 Theatre, 209 Cedar St., Fernandina Beach, $15, 261-6749, ameliacommunitytheatre.org. RED Atlantic Beach Experimental Theatre presents the compelling story of 20th-century abstract artist Mark Ruthko, whose effort to accept his wealth and stay relevant was his ultimate undoing; 8 p.m. March 14-15, 21-22 and 27-29, and 2 p.m. March 23 at Adele Grage Cultural Center, 716 Ocean Blvd., Atlantic Beach, $15, 249-7177, abettheatre.com. ANGELS IN AMERICA The Pulitzer-winning play explores guilt, compassion, sexual identity, right-wing conservatism and America at the millennium; 8 p.m. March 14-15, 20-23 and 27-29, 2 p.m. March 23 at Players by the Sea, 106 N. Sixth St., Jax Beach, $20-$23, 249-0289, playersbythesea.org. ORANGE PARK CHORALE A Whole Lot of Years of Broadway, with tunes of Carousel, Guys and Dolls and more, is staged 7:30 p.m. March 14 at New Grace Church, 5804 U.S. 17, Fleming Island; 3 p.m. March 16 at Riverside Presbyterian Church, 849 Park St., Riverside, free, 273-4279, orangeparkchorale.com. THE NOT-SO-NEWLYWED GAME Bob Eubanks himself narrates clips from the long-running TV game show and selects couples from the audience to play a half-hour live version, 8 p.m. March 15 at the T-U Center’s Moran Theater, 300 W. Water St., Downtown, $42-$52, 442-2929, artistseriesjax.org. MEMPHIS The Broadway musical, about a white radio DJ in 1950s Memphis underground dance clubs and a black club singer ready for her big break, is staged 7:30 p.m. March 1820, 8 p.m. March 21, 2 and 8 p.m. March 22, and 1:30 and 7 p.m. March 23 at the T-U Center’s Moran Theater, 300 W. Water St., Downtown, $47-$77, 442-2929, artistseriesjax.org. THE LADY WITH ALL THE ANSWERS Amelia Community Theatre presents this one-woman show about the life and letters of advice columnist Ann Landers, 8 p.m. March 20-22, and 2 p.m. March 23 at ACT’s Studio 209 Theatre, 209 Cedar St., Fernandina Beach, $15, 261-6749, ameliacommunitytheatre.org. BEATLEMANIA AGAIN Fifty years ago, The Beatles performed on The Ed Sullivan Show and America fell in love. Alhambra Theatre commemorates the occasion with Beatlemania Again, 8 p.m. March 20 and 21, 1:15 and 8 p.m. March 22 and 2 p.m. March 23 at Alhambra Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., Southside, $59, 641-1212, alhambrajax.com. THE COLOR PURPLE The play, based on Alice Walker’s novel and Steven Spielberg’s film, is staged at 8 p.m. March 26-April 27, Saturday matinees at 1:15 p.m., Sundays at 2 p.m., at Alhambra Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., Southside, $38-$55, 641-1212, alhambrajax.com. A RAISIN IN THE SUN The play, based on Lorraine Hansberry’s novel, film and Tony Award-winning play, is the story of a black Chicago family’s struggle for dignity and the troubles they face, 7 p.m. March 28, 6 p.m. March 29 and April 5, and 3 p.m. March 30 and April 6 at Stage Aurora Performance Hall, 5188 Norwood Ave., Northside, $15-$20, 765-7372, stageaurora.org.

COMEDY

RON WHITE The cigar-smoking, Scotch-drinking funnyman (Blue Collar Comedy) does standup, “A Little Unprofessional,” 8 p.m. March 14 at the T-U Center for the Performing Arts, 300 W. Water St., Downtown, $47.75, $57.75, jaxevents.com. KEITH ALBERSTADT Alberstadt’s been on Late Night with David Letterman and Last Comic Standing, and was an SNL writer; he appears 8:04 p.m. March 13, 8:34 p.m. March 14, and 8:04 and 10:10 p.m. March 15 at The Comedy Club of Jacksonville, 11000 Beach Blvd., Southside, 646-4277, $6$25, jacksonvillecomedy.com. TYRONE DAVIS Comedian Davis has performed for our troops overseas; he’s on at 8 p.m. March 14 and 15 at Latitude 30, 10370 Philips Hwy., Southside, $10, 365-5555, latthirty.com. AHMED AHMED Egyptian comic Ahmed won the inaugural Richard Pryor Award for Ethnic Comedy; he’s on 8 p.m. March 13 and 14 and 8 and 10 p.m. March 15 at The Comedy Zone, 3130 Hartley Rd., Mandarin, 292-4242, $18-$22, comedyzone.com. MAD COWFORD IMPROV Weekly improv shows based on your ideas are 8:15 p.m. every Fri. and Sat. at Northstar Substation, 119 E. Bay St., Downtown, $5, 233-2359, madcowford.com.

CALLS & WORKSHOPS

KIDZ ACT SPRING PLAY Limelight Theatre holds rehearsals and auditions for Bug Juice & Crazy Campers, a Kidz Act Spring Play, for kids in grades K-2 at 4:30 p.m. and 3-5 at 5:30 p.m. every Wed. March 12-April 23 at the theater, 11 Old Mission Ave., St. Augustine, $65, 825-1164, limelight-theatre.org. ACTEEN STAGE LAB Children and teens in grades 6-12 learn street style and ambush theatre at 6:30 p.m. every Wed. at Limelight Theatre, 11 Old Mission Ave., St. Augustine, $80 per session, 825-1164, limelight-theatre.org. BODY IMAGE FASHION SHOW Couture Helps Inspire Charity hosts Every Body is Beautiful, featuring UNF students of diverse body types; speakers from the Body Image Counseling Center and UNF’s Women’s Center discuss the pressures young adults face, 8 p.m. March 12 in Student Union Ballrooms B & C, 1 UNF Dr., Southside, free, 207-0860, facebook.com/UNFCHIC. ACTORS WORKSHOP Atlantic Beach Experimental Theatre holds an eight-week actors’ workshop, 6 p.m. every Sun., March 16-April 13 at Adele Grage Cultural Center, 716 Ocean Blvd., Atlantic Beach, $160 (half at registration, half at first class plan available), 249-7177, abettheatre.com. ADULT ACTING CLASS Theatre Jacksonville holds spring workshops starting March 16. Beginner’s course is 4 p.m. Sun.; advanced is 5:30 p.m. Sun. at 2032 San Marco Blvd., San Marco, $180 per 8-week session, 396-4425, theatrejax.com. ABET CREATIVE DRAMA CAMP Atlantic Beach Experimental Theatre holds an out-of-theater spring break creative drama camp for kids in grades 2-5 (unless by arrangement). Ageappropriate theater games, music and dance, improvisation and story-telling are featured. 9 a.m. March 17-21 at Discovery Montessori School, 102 15th St. S., Jax Beach, $35 per day or $160 per week, 509-1472, aine@thefirstact.net. A SEUSSTASTIC SPRING BREAK Theatre Jacksonville holds a five-day course for kids featuring acting, song, dance and improvisation, 9 a.m. March 17-21 at the theater, 2032 San Marco Blvd., San Marco, $200, 396-4425, theatrejax.com. CUMMER MUSEUM GARDEN MONTH The Cummer Museum of Art & Gardens hosts a three-part garden lecture and event series. Doug Tellamy, University of Delaware professor and chair of Entomology & Wildlife Ecology Department, is the featured speaker at 6:30 p.m. March 19, $65-$70, 829 Riverside Ave., Riverside, 356-6857, cummer.org. YOUNG ARTISTS MUSIC COMPETITION Clay County students in grades 6-12 participate in Concert on the Green Young Artists Concerto Competition, to win a $1,000 scholarship and to play with the Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra. Deadline to apply is March 31. concertonthegreen.com. STATE OF THE ARTS The St. Johns Cultural Council accepts applications from nonprofits, artists and teachers for funding of up to $500 for its Spring State of the Arts Grant. The council is interested in arts education and outreach to underserved areas. Applications must be submitted by April 15. For details, call 808-7330 or go to stjohnsculture.com. CALL TO ARTISTS The Art Center seeks photographers and video artists to present slide shows or videos at Art Walks at its studios. Artists must have their own projection equipment. $25 fee. For details, email reidartlaw@gmail.com.

CLASSICAL & JAZZ

RACHMANINOFF THIRD PIANO CONCERTO Joyce Yang performs the difficult concerto 7:30 p.m. March 13 and 8 p.m. March 14 and 15 at the T-U Center’s Jacoby Performance Hall, 300 W. Water St., Downtown, $24-$58, 354-5547, jaxsymphony.org. RACHELLE FARRELL Crossover artist Farrell performs urban contemporary pop, gospel, classical music and jazz, 7 and 10 p.m. March 14 at Ritz Museum, 829 N. Davis St., Downtown, $45, 632-5555, ritzjacksonville.com. MOZART’S MAGNIFICENT VOYAGE Conductor Michelle Merrill leads the Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra in several of the master’s works, including The Magic Flute, 3 p.m. March 16 at the T-U Center’s Jacoby Performance Hall, 300 W. Water St., Downtown, $6-$24, 354-5547, jaxsymphony.org. JAZZ IN PONTE VEDRA Gary Starling Group, 7:30 Thur. at Table 1, 330 A1A N., 280-5515. JAZZ IN RIVERSIDE Trumpeter Ray Callendar, guitarist Taylor Roberts, 9:30 p.m. Thur., Kickbacks Gastropub, 910 King St., 388-9551. JAZZ IN MANDARIN Boril Ivanov Trio, 7 p.m. Thur.; pianist David Gum, 7 p.m. Fri. at Tree Steakhouse, 11362 San Jose Blvd., 262-0006. JAX BEACH JAZZ 6-9 p.m. Fri., Landshark Café, 1728 Third St. N., 246-6024. JAZZ IN NEPTUNE BEACH 7:30-9:30 p.m. every Sat. at Lillie’s Coffee Bar, 200 First St., 249-2922. JAZZ IN ST. AUGUSTINE The House Cats 9:30 p.m.-1 a.m. Sat. at Stogies Club & Listening Room, 36 Charlotte St., 826-4008. JAZZ IN ARLINGTON 8 p.m. Sat., 6-9 p.m. Tue. at Jazzland Café, 1324 University Blvd. N., 240-1009, jazzlandcafe.com. JAZZ IN ST. AUGUSTINE Nightly at Rhett’s Piano Bar & Brasserie, 66 Hypolita St., 825-0502.

ART WALKS, FESTIVALS & MARKETS

DOWNTOWN FRIDAY MARKET Arts and crafts and local produce, 10 a.m.-2 p.m. March 14 and every Fri. at The Jacksonville Landing, 2 Independent Dr., Downtown, 353-1188. RIVERSIDE ARTS MARKET Local and regional art, food artists and vendors and a farmers market, 10 a.m.-4 p.m. March 15 under the Fuller Warren Bridge, 715 Riverside Ave., free admission, 389-2449 , riversideartsmarket.com.

LAST PICTURE SHOW: Richard Karn, of Home Improvement fame, stars in I Ought to Be in Pictures – Neil Simon’s classic play about a Hollywood screenwriter with commitment issues – staged through March 16 at Alhambra Theatre & Dining. Photo: Tiara Photography GREAT ATLANTIC FESTIVAL The 25th annual festival features live music by Paul Lundgren Band, Seven Nations, JacksonVegas, Canary in the Coalmine, Rathkeltair and Split Tone, plus food and games, noon-10 p.m. March 15 at SeaWalk Pavilion, Jax Beach, free admission; $5 VIP seating, greatatlanticmusicfest.com. ST. AUGUSTINE LIONS SEAFOOD FESTIVAL The three-day festival includes arts and crafts, music, a kids’ zone and pirates, 3-9 p.m. March 21, 10 a.m.-9 p.m. March 22 and 11 a.m.-6 p.m. March 23 at Francis Field, 25 W. Castillo Dr., St. Augustine, $3 for adults, children admitted free.

MUSEUMS

ALEXANDER BREST MUSEUM & GALLERY Jacksonville University, 2800 University Blvd. N., Arlington, 256-7371, arts. ju.edu. Kyungmin Park and Britt Spencer explore the world from uninhibited perspectives in “Function/Dysfunction: Study of Human Condition,” through March 14. CRISP-ELLERT ART MUSEUM Flagler College, 48 Sevilla St., St. Augustine, 826-8530, flagler.edu/crispellert. “Ocean Floors,” an exhibit by Celeste Roberge, includes photography, cyanotypes and vessels that reflect the forms of the sea, on display through April 19. CUMMER MUSEUM OF ART & GARDENS 829 Riverside Ave., Riverside, 356-6857, cummer.org. Painting’s artistic and devotional contexts are explored through 21 works, 19 of which are borrowed from collections in the United States and Germany. “One Family: Photographs by Vardi Kahana,” an exhibit by the Israeli photographer detailing four generations of her family, is on display through April 7. Florida State University Professor William Walmsley displays his works through July 8. “The Human Figure: Sculptures by Enzo Torcoletti” is on display through September. “A Commemoration of the Civil Rights Movement” photographs are displayed through Nov. 2. KARPELES MANUSCRIPT MUSEUM 101 W. First St., Springfield, 356-2992, rain.org/~karpeles/jaxfrm.html. “Mark Twain” includes original letters, writings and illustrations on exhibit through April 26. “Breaking Free: Dark Energy, Dark Matter” features oil on canvas paintings by Margaret Schnebly Hodge, on display through April 29. The permanent collection includes other rare manuscripts. MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART JACKSONVILLE 333 N. Laura St., Downtown, 366-6911, mocajacksonville.com. The exhibit “Material Transformations,” in which seven artists uncover symbolism through unconventional substances, runs through April 6. The Gold Key portfolio show features works by 15 winners of Northeast Florida Scholastic Art Awards show, through March. MUSEUM OF SCIENCE & HISTORY 1025 Museum Circle, Southbank, 396-6674, themosh.org. “Uncovering the Past: Archaeological Discoveries of North Florida,” through August. VISITOR INFORMATION CENTER 10 W. Castillo Dr., St. Augustine, 825-1000, staugustine-450.com/journey. “Journey: 450 years of the African-American Experience” is exhibited through July 15.

GALLERIES

ABSOLUTE AMERICANA ART GALLERY 77 Bridge St., St. Augustine, 824-5545, absoluteamericana.com. Original Pierre Matisse prints are featured. The permanent display features oil paintings, sculptures and prints from international artists. ADRIAN PICKETT GALLERY 2 Independent Dr., Jacksonville Landing, 300-5754, adrianpickett.com. Permanent works include charcoal portraits and commissioned art work. AMIRO ART & FOUND GALLERY 9C Aviles St., St. Augustine, 824-8460, amiroartandfound.com. Kelsey Schirard’s accumulations of wrapped jewelry and 3-D artistry are on display through March. Sculptures by Alexander Wilds are also displayed. THE ART CENTER MAIN GALLERY 31 W. Adams St., Downtown, 355-1757, tacjacksonville.org/main.html. Elaine Bedell’s exhibit “Walk in the Woods” features local landscapes, through March. THE ART CENTER PREMIER GALLERY 50 N. Laura St.,

Downtown, 355-1757, tacjacksonville.org/premier-gallery. “The Woods” exhibit, featuring artwork using wood to depict forests and trees, runs through May 6. FIRST STREET GALLERY 216-B First St., Neptune Beach, 241-6928, firststreetgalleryart.com. Mermaid artwork is on display in all media types by local artists including Linda Olsen, Mary Hubley, Tracy Womack, Pat Livesay and JoAnne Adams, through April 1. FLORIDA MINING GALLERY 5300 Shad Rd., Southside, 425-2845, floridamininggallery.com. Ambler Hutchinson’s exhibit “Visual Artifacts: Part One” features different mediums that express the complexity of human psychology, on display through March 14. Permanent display features a wide range of contemporary works by emerging artists. FSCJ SOUTH CAMPUS ART GALLERY 11901 Beach Blvd., Southside, 646-2023, fscj.edu. Works by Duval County public high school students and Duval Art Teachers Association members are on display through March 14. HASKELL GALLERY & DISPLAY CASES Jacksonville International Airport, 14201 Pecan Park Rd., Northside, 741-3546. Paintings by Candace Fasano and Marie Shell, examining beauty in the natural world, are displayed through March 28 in Haskell Gallery. John Cheer’s decorative wall plates and sculpture, inspired by the sea’s energy and nature, displayed through April 7 in Connector Bridge Art display case. Photographer John Adams’ “Evanescent Trawlers of the South” series examines the vessels from Southern harbors, displayed through April 4 in Concourse A and C display cases. HIGHWAY GALLERY floridamininggallery.com/exhibitions/ the-highway-gallery. Nine artists – Nathaniel Artkart Price, Ken Daga, Ashley C. Waldvogel, Brianna Angelakis, Christina Foard, Linda Olsen, Sara Pedigo, Zach Fitchner and Russell Maycumber – are featured on digital billboards throughout the city in collaboration with Clear Channel through July 2014. THE LOOKING LAB 107 E. Bay St., Downtown, 917-239-3772. “Art in Empty Store Fronts” features multimedia video art and sculptures by Crystal Floyd and David Montgomery. LUFRANO INTERCULTURAL GALLERY 1 UNF Dr., Student Union Bldg. 58E, Ste. 2401, Southside, 620-2475. Jacksonville native Elizabeth Brown Eagle’s exhibit, “Visions of Grace,” features mixed-media photo collages based on her experiences working with Samburu and Maasai tribes in Northeastern Kenya and the Xhosa people in Port Elizabeth, South Africa. The exhibit is displayed through March 21. PALENCIA FINE ARTS ACADEMY AND GALLERY 701 Market St., St. Augustine, 819-1584, palenciafineartsacademy.com. Stacie Hernandez’s show “Elements,” about the power of natural elements, runs through March 21. PLANTATION ARTISTS’ GUILD & GALLERY 94 Amelia Village Circle, Amelia Island, 432-1750, artamelia.com. Spanish oil paintings by Dionisio Rodriquez are exhibited through April 12. SAWGRASS VILLAGE ARTS GALLERY 1520 Sawgrass Village Dr., Ponte Vedra, 273-4925, villageartspvb.com. Impressionistic Florida Landscapes by Laurel Dagnillo are displayed through March 29. STELLERS GALLERY 240 A1A N., Ponte Vedra Beach, 273-6065, stellersgallery.com. New works by Michelle Armas, Casey Matthews, Anna Kincaide and Thomas Hager, displayed through March, include photography, painting and mixed media. ST. AUGUSTINE ART ASSOCIATION 22 Marine St., St. Augustine, 824-2310, staaa.org. The exhibit “Canvas, Clay, Collage and Cutting Edge,” exploring different ideas and materials using four themes, is on display through March 30. SOUTHLIGHT GALLERY 201 N. Hogan St., Ste. 100, Downtown, 553-6361, southlightgallery.com. Sculptures by Taylan Castner are on display through April 2. For more arts events, go to folioweekly.com/calendar. To submit your arts-related event, email djohnson@ folioweekly.com. Deadline for print is 4 p.m. Mon., 10 days before publication. Due to space constraints, not all events appear in print.

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 31

DINING DIRECTORY To have your restaurant listed, contact your account manager or Sam Taylor, 904.260.9770 ext. 111 staylor@folioweekly.com DINING DIRECTORY KEY

Average Entrée Cost: $ = Less than $8 $$ = $8-$14 $$$ = $15-$22 $$$$ = $23 & up = Beer, Wine = Full Bar C = Children’s Menu = Take Out B = Breakfast R = Brunch L = Lunch D = Dinner *Bite Club Certified! = Hosted a free Folio Weekly Bite Club tasting. Join at fwbiteclub.com. BOJ = 2013 Best of Jax winner F = FW distribution spot

AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA BEACH, YULEE

BARBERITOS, 1519 Sadler Rd., 277-2505. 463867 S.R. 200, Ste. 5, Yulee, 321-2240. F Southwest madeto-order fresh: burritos, tacos, quesadillas, nachos. Handcrafted salsa: tomatoes, cilantro, onions, peppers. $$ C L D Daily BRETT’S WATERWAY CAFÉ, 1 S. Front St., 261-2660. F Southern hospitality, upscale waterfront spot; daily specials, fresh local seafood, aged beef. $$$ C L D Daily CAFÉ KARIBO, 27 N. 3rd St., 277-5269. F In historic building, family-owned spot has eclectic cuisine: homemade veggie burgers, fresh seafood, made-from-scratch desserts. Inside or on oak-shaded patio. Karibrew Pub has beer brewed onsite. $$ C L D Tue.-Sat.; L Daily CIAO ITALIAN BISTRO, 302 Centre St., 206-4311. Authentic Italian fare in an upscale bistro: pizzas, pasta dishes, entrées, Italian wines. $$$ D Nightly DAVID’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE, 802 Ash St., 310-6049. In Historic District. Fresh seafood, prime aged meats, rack of lamb served in an elegant, chic spot. $$$$ D Nightly HALFTIME SPORTS BAR & GRILL, 320 S. 8th St., 321-0303. Sports bar fare: onion rings, spring rolls, burgers, wraps, wings. $ L D Daily JACK & DIANE’S, 708 Centre St., 321-1444. F In renovated 1887 shotgun house. Favorites: jambalaya, French toast, mac-n-cheese, vegan, vegetarian selections. Dine inside or on the porch. $$ C B L D Daily LULU’S @ THOMPSON HOUSE, 11 S. 7th St., 432-8394. F Creative lunch menu: po’boys, salads and seafood little plates served in a historic house. Dinner: fresh local seafood, Fernandina shrimp. Reservations recommended. $$$ C R Sun.; L D Tue.-Sat. MOON RIVER PIZZA, 925 S. 14th St., 321-3400. F See Riverside. BOJ. $ L D Mon.-Sat. THE MUSTARD SEED CAFE, 833 TJ Courson Rd., 277-3141. Awarded Snail of Approval. Casual organic eatery and juice bar, in Nassau Health Foods. All-natural organic items, smoothies, juice, coffee, herbal tea. $$ B L Mon.-Sat. THE PECAN ROLL BAKERY, 122 S. 8th St., 491-9815. Historic district. More than nuts; sweet & savory pastries, bagels, cookies, cakes, breads, cronuts, breakfast items. $ B L D Wed.-Sun. PLAE, 80 Amelia Village Cir., 277-2132. Bite Club. Omni Amelia Island Plantation Spa & Shops. Bistro-style venue has an innovative menu: whole fried fish and duck breast. Outdoor dining. $$$ D Mon.-Sat. SALTY PELICAN BAR & GRILL, 12 N. Front St., 277-3811. F Killer ICW sunset view from upstairs outdoor bar. T.J. and Al offer local seafood, Mayport shrimp, fish tacos, po’boys, the original broiled cheese oysters. $$ C L D Daily SLIDERS SEASIDE GRILL, 1998 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-6652. F BOJ. Oceanfront place serves award-winning handmade crab cakes, fresh seafood, fried pickles. Outdoor dining, open-air 2nd floor, balcony. $$ C L D Daily THE SURF, 3199 S. Fletcher Ave., 261-5711. F Oceanview dining, inside or on the deck. New menu: Steaks, seafood, nightly specials, healthy options. $$ L D Daily TIMOTI’S FRY SHAK, 21 N. 3rd St., 310-6550. F Casual seafood spot has fresh, local wild-caught shrimp, fish, oysters, blackboard specials, seafood baskets. $ C L D Daily T-RAY’S BURGER STATION, 202 S. 8th St., 261-6310. F This spot in an old gas station offers blue plate specials, burgers, biscuits & gravy, shrimp. $ B L Mon.-Sat.

ARLINGTON, REGENCY

LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 8818 Atlantic Blvd., 720-0106. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 1301 Monument Rd. F See Baymeadows. $ C B L D Daily RACK ’EM UP BILLIARDS, 1825 Univ. Blvd. N., 745-0335. F Cigar & hookah lounge, billiards tables, full kitchen, subs. 200+ imported, domestic beers. $ R Sat.-Sun.; D Nightly

AVONDALE, ORTEGA

ALE PIE HOUSE, 3951 St. Johns Ave., 503-8000. Pizza made your way, subs, paninis, calzone, stromboli, wraps, dinners. Gluten-free, vegan cheese available. $$ C L D Daily BAGEL LOVE, 4114 Herschel St., Ste. 121, 634-7253 BOJ. Yankee-style bagels, sandwiches, wraps, soups, bakery items, fresh-squeezed OJ, coffee, smoothies, tea. Homecooked turkey, chicken, roast beef. Free Wi-Fi. Locally

32 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

owned and operated. Outdoor patio dining. $ C B L Daily THE CASBAH CAFÉ, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966. F BOJ. Middle Eastern/Mediterranean fare. Patio, hookah lounge. Wi-Fi, bellydancers, hookahs. $$ L D Daily ESPETO BRAZILIAN STEAK HOUSE, 4000 St. Johns Ave., Ste. 40, 388-4884. F Churrascaria’s gauchos carve the meat to your plate from serving tables. $$$ D Tue.-Sun. FLORIDA CREAMERY, 3566 St. Johns Ave., 619-5386. Premium ice cream, fresh waffle cones, milkshakes, sundaes and Nathan’s grilled hot dogs, served in Florida-centric décor. Low-fat and sugar-free choices. $ C L Mon.-Sat. THE FOX RESTAURANT, 3580 St. Johns Ave., 3872669. F Owners Ian & Mary Chase offer fresh diner fare, homemade desserts. Breakfast all day. Burgers, meatloaf, fried green tomatoes. Local landmark for 50+ years. $$ C L D Daily GREEN MAN GOURMET, 3543 St. Johns Ave., 384-0002. F Organic/natural products, spices, teas, salts. $ Daily LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 4530 St. Johns Ave., 388-8828. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily LET THEM EAT CAKE! 3604 St. Johns, Ste. 2, 389-2122. Artisan bakery. Coffee, croissants, muffins, cupcakes, pastries, desserts. Cakes made-to-order. $ Tue.-Sat. MOJO NO. 4 URBAN BBQ & WHISKEY BAR, 3572 St. Johns Ave., 381-6670. F BOJ. Southern blues kitchen. Pulled pork, Carolina barbecue, chicken-fried steak, Delta fried catfish, hummus, shrimp & grits, specialty cocktails. $$ C B L D Daily SAKE HOUSE #5 JAPANESE GRILL SUSHI BAR, 3620 St. Johns Ave., 388-5688. F See Riverside. $$ L D Daily SIMPLY SARA’S, 2902 Corinthian Ave., Ortega, 387-1000. F Down-home cooking from scratch: eggplant fries, pimento cheese, fried chicken, fruit cobblers, chicken & dumplings. BYOB. $$ C L D Mon.-Sat. TERRA, 4260 Herschel St., 388-9124. Local, sustainable creative world cuisine. Small plates: pork belly skewers, chorizo stuffed mushrooms; entrées: lamb chops, seared tuna, ribeye. Craft beers, onsite organic garden. $$ D Mon.-Sat.

BAYMEADOWS

AL’S PIZZA, 8060 Philips Hwy., 731-4300. F BOJ. See Beaches. $ C L D Daily BROADWAY RISTORANTE & PIZZERIA, 10920 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 3, 519-8000. F Family-owned&-operated Italian pizzeria serves calzones, strombolis, wings, brick-oven-baked pizza, subs, desserts. Delivery. $$ C L D Daily INDIA’S RESTAURANT, 9802 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 8, 620-0777. F Authentic Indian cuisine, lunch buffet. Curries, vegetable dishes, lamb, chicken, shrimp, fish tandoori. $$ L Mon.-Sat.; D Nightly LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 8206 Philips Hwy., 732-9433. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 3928 Baymeadows Rd., 737-7740. 8616 Baymeadows Rd., 739-2498. F Piles ’em high, serves ’em fast. Natural meats, cheeses are hormone-, antibioticand gluten-free; rolls are gluten-free. $ C B L D Daily MANDALOUN MEDITERRANEAN LEBANESE CUISINE, 9862 Old Baymeadows Rd., 646-1881. F Bite Club. Authentic Lebanese cuisine, charcoal-grilled lamb kebab. Bellydancing Fri.-Sat. Outdoor seating. $$ L D Tue.-Sun. PATTAYA THAI GRILLE, 9551 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 1, 646-9506. F Authentic, family-owned since 1990, Thai restaurant. Extensive menu of traditional Thai, vegetarian, new-Thai includes curries, seafood, noodles, soups. Lowsodium, gluten-free dishes, too. $$$ L D Tue.-Sun. PIZZA PALACE, 3928 Baymeadows Rd., 527-8649. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily STICKY FINGERS, 8129 Point Meadows Way, 493-7427. F Memphis-style rib house slow-smokes meats over hickory. Award-winning ribs, barbecue, rotisserie chicken, signature sauces. Screened patio. $$ C L D Daily

BEACHES

(Locations are Jax Beach unless otherwise noted.)

AL’S PIZZA, 303 Atlantic Blvd., Beaches Town Ctr., Atlantic Beach, 249-0002. F BOJ. 20+ years, seven locations. New York-style & gourmet pizzas. $ C L D Daily BUDDHA THAI BISTRO, 301 10th Ave. N., 712-4444. F Proprietors are from Thailand; dishes made with fresh ingredients from tried-and-true recipes. $$ L D Daily CAMPECHE BAY CANTINA, 127 1st Ave. N., 249-3322. F Chili rellenos, tamales, fajitas, enchiladas, fish tacos, fried ice cream, margaritas. $$ C D Nightly CASA MARIA, 2429 S. 3rd St., 372-9000. F See Springfield. $ C L D Daily CULHANE’S IRISH PUBLIC HOUSE, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595. Bite Club. Irish pub run by County Limerick sisters. Shepherd’s pie, corned beef; gastro pub menu. $$ C R Sat. & Sun.; D Tue.-Sun. DIRTY REDS, 1451 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 372-9438. This super-casual hangout has shrimp & grits, po’ boys, smoked ribs and brisket, red beans & rice, all sorts of downhome sides. $$ C D Nightly ENGINE 15 BREWING CO., 1500 Beach Blvd., Ste. 217, 249-2337. F BOJ. Gastropub fare: soups, salads, flatbreads, specialty sandwiches, including BarBe-Cuban and beer dip. Craft beers. $ C L D Daily GREGORY PAUL’S, 215 4th Ave. S., 372-4367. Greg Rider offers freshly prepared meals, catering. $$ Mon.-Fri.

Betsey Westhouse (left) and Kelli Graves present pomegranate-glazed salmon over spicy len tils and saffron rice and spicy cioppino, a fish stew with local shrimp, Little Neck clams, Prince Edward Island mussels, diver scallops and local grouper, at Bar Zin Bistro & Wine Bar in Fernandina Beach. Photo: Dennis Ho LANDSHARK CAFE, 1728 3rd St. N., 246-6024. F Locally owned & operated. Fresh, right-off-the-boat local seafood, fish tacos, houseground burgers, wings, handcut fries, tater tots; daily specials. $$ C L D Daily; R Sun. LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1222 3rd St. S., 372-4495. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 657 N. 3rd St., 247-9620. F See Baymeadows. $ C B L D Daily LILLIE’S COFFEE BAR, 200 1st St., Beaches Town Ctr., Neptune Beach, 249-2922. F Beaches landmark. Locally roasted coffee, bagels, flatbreads, sandwiches, desserts. Indoors or out; patio, courtyard. $$ B L D Daily M SHACK, 299 Atlantic Blvd., Beaches Town Ctr., Atlantic Beach, 241-2599. F BOJ. Medure Bros. offer burgers, hot dogs, fries, shakes. Indoors or out. $$ L D Daily MARLIN MOON GRILLE, 1183 Beach Blvd., 372-4438. F Sportfishing-themed casual spot. Fresh crab cakes, burgers, daily specials, craft beers, Orange Crushes, freshcut fries. $$ C R Sun.; D Wed.-Mon. MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 1018 3rd St. N., Ste. 2, 241-5600. F Bite Club. BOJ. Funky spot serves gourmet pizzas, hoagies, salads. Pies range from Mighty Meaty to vegetarian like Kosmic Karma. $ C L D Daily MEZZA LUNA PIZZERIA RISTORANTE, 110 1st St., Beaches Town Ctr., Neptune Beach, 249-5573. F Bistro fare (20+ years), gourmet wood-fired pizzas, herb-crusted mahi mahi. Indoors, patio. $$$ C D Mon.-Sat. MOJO KITCHEN BBQ PIT & BLUES BAR, 1500 Beach Blvd., 247-6636. F BOJ. Funky Southern blues kitchen. Pulled pork, Carolina-style barbecue, chicken-fried steak, Delta fried catfish. $$ C B L D Daily NORTH BEACH BISTRO, 725 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 6, Atlantic Beach, 372-4105. Bite Club. Veal osso buco, calypso crusted mahi mahi with plantain chips. $$$ C L D Daily POE’S TAVERN, 363 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7637. F American gastropub. Gourmet burgers, fish tacos, handcut fries, Edgar’s Drunken Chili, daily fish sandwich special. $$ C L D Daily RAGTIME TAVERN & SEAFOOD GRILL, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7877 F 30+ years. Popular seafood place has lots of Best of Jax readers poll awards. Blackened snapper, sesame tuna, Ragtime shrimp. $$ L D Daily RENNA’S PIZZA, 592 Marsh Landing Pkwy., 273-3113. F See Mandarin. $$ C L D Daily SALT LIFE FOOD SHACK, 1018 3rd St. N., 372-4456. F BOJ. Signature tuna poke bowl, fresh sushi, Ensenada tacos, local fried shrimp. Open-air space. $$ C L D Daily SHIM SHAM ROOM, 333 1st St. N., Ste. 150, 372-0781. F BOJ. Seasonal menu of “cheap eats”: bar bites, chicken & waffles, badass fries, tacos. $$ D Nightly WIPEOUTS GRILL, 1585 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 247-4508. F Casual sports spot serves burgers, wings, fish tacos in a chill atmosphere. $ C L D Daily

DOWNTOWN

AVOCADOS, 311 W. Ashley St., Ste. 1, 683-9947. Mac & cheese, Southwestern wrap, French dip. Fresh ingredients, cooked to order. $ B L D Mon.-Sat. CAFÉ NOLA @ MOCAJAX, 333 N. Laura St., 366-6911. Museum of Contemporary Art. Shrimp & grits, sandwiches, fish tacos, desserts. $$ L Mon.-Fri.; D Thur. & ArtWalk CASA DORA, 108 E. Forsyth St., 356-8282. F Owner/chef Sam Hamidi serving Italian fare 35+ years: veal, seafood, pizza. Homemade salad dressing. $$ C L D Mon.-Sat. CHOMP CHOMP, 106 E. Adams St., 762-4667. F Chefinspired street food: panko-crusted chicken, burgers, chinois tacos, bahn mi, barbecue. $ L Tue.-Sat.; D Fri. & Sat.

DE REAL TING CAFÉ, 128 W. Adams St., 633-9738. F Caribbean spot features jerk or curried chicken, conch fritters, curried goat, oxtail. $ L Tue.-Fri.; D Fri.-Sat. FIONN MACCOOL’S IRISH PUB & RESTAURANT, Ste. 176, Jax Landing, 374-1547. F BOJ. Fish & chips, black-andtan brownies, Guinness lamb stew. $$ C L D Daily ZODIAC GRILL, 120 W. Adams St., 354-8283. F American & Mediterranean fare, casual spot. Panini, vegetarian dishes, daily lunch buffet. Espressos, hookahs. $ L Mon.-Fri.

FLEMING ISLAND

BRICK OVEN PIZZERIA & GASTROPUB, 1811 Town Center Blvd., 278-1770. F Family-owned-and-operated; offers freshly made brick-oven pizzas, specialty burgers, melts, wraps, craft beers. Gluten-free items. $$ C L D Daily LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1571 C.R. 220, Ste. 100, 215-2223. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 1800 Town Center Blvd., 541-1999. F See Beaches. Bite Club. BOJ. $ C L D Daily MOJO SMOKEHOUSE, 1810 Town Center Blvd., Ste. 8, 264-0636. F BOJ. See Beaches. $$ C B L D Daily WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198. F Real fish camp serves gator tail, freshwater catfish, traditional meals, daily specials on Swimming Pen Creek. Tiki bar. $ C L Tue.-Sun.; D Nightly YOUR PIE, 1545 C.R. 220, Ste. 125, 379-9771. F Bite Club. Fast, casual pizza concept: Choose from 3 doughs, 9 sauces, 7 cheeses and 40+ toppings to create your own pizza pie. Subs, sandwiches, gelato. $$ C L D Daily

INTRACOASTAL WEST

AL’S PIZZA, 14286 Beach Blvd., Ste. 31, 223-0991. F 2013 BOJ. See Beaches. $ C L D Daily CASTILLO DE MEXICO, 12620 Beach Blvd., Ste. 19, 998-7006. F 15+ years. Extensive menu served in authentic Mexican décor. Weekday lunch buffet. $$ L D Daily EPIK BURGER, 12740 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 105, 374-7326. F 34+ burgers of grass-fed beef, ahi tuna, all-natural chicken; vegan items; gluten-free options. $ L D Mon.-Sat. LA NOPALERA MEXICAN, 14333 Beach Blvd., 992-1666. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 10750 Atlantic Blvd., 642-6980. F See Baymeadows. $ C B L D Daily MAHARLIKA HALL & SPORTS GRILL, 14255 Beach Blvd., Ste. E, 699-0759. Filipino-Am restaurant/market. Pancit bami, lumpia, turon strudle, halo halo. $-$$ C R L D Daily MY MOCHI FROZEN YOGURT, 13546 Beach Blvd., Ste. 1A, 821-9880. See St. Johns Town Center. $ Daily TIME OUT SPORTS GRILL, 13799 Beach Blvd., Ste. 5, 223-6999. F Locally-owned-&-operated grill. Handtossed pizzas, wings, wraps. $$ L Tue.-Sun.; D Nightly

JULINGTON CREEK

PIZZA PALACE, 116 Bartram Oaks Walk, 230-2171. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily SAUCY TACO, 450 S.R. 13 N., Ste. 113, 287-8226. F Light Mexican, American influences. 40 beers on draft. $$ C B, Sat.-Sun.; L D Daily

MANDARIN

AL’S PIZZA, 11190 San Jose Blvd., 260-4115. F BOJ. See Beaches. $ C L D Daily ATHENS CAFÉ, 6271 St. Augustine Rd., Ste. 7, 733-1199. Dolmades (stuffed grape leaves), baby shoes (stuffed eggplant). Greek beers. $$ L Mon.-Fri.; D Mon.-Sat. BRAZILIAN JAX CAFE, 9825 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 20, 880-3313. F Steaks, sausages, chicken, burgers, fish, hot sandwiches, fresh ingredients. $$ B L D Mon.-Sat.

BITE-SIZED

Create-your-own cheese and charcuterie plate. Photo: Caron Streibich

New and Improved

Taverna expands, adding craft cocktails, a private dining room and quick-casual lunch service TAVERNA 1986 San Marco Blvd., 398-3005, tavernasanmarco.com

t’s hard to top a great meal enjoyed in a modern space with a well-curated wine list in the center of bustling, historic San Marco Square. Taverna recently expanded after four years in the former Café Carmon spot. It’s evident that Executive Chef Sam Efron and wine director/wife Kiley Wynne Efron are passionate about the new environment and wider-ranging menu. So what’s new? Taverna now boasts a quickcasual lunch service along with an option for lunch delivery, a classy private dining room and the addition of craft cocktails (they’d offered only beer and wine before) to the menu. The menu remains European-inspired, drawing from both Spain and Italy. Start with the house-made caprese ($10) with prosciutto ($6), meatballs and peasant bread ($10), sautéed calamari ($12) or citrus-marinated beet salad ($9). The caprese’s house-made cheese is amazing in and of itself, but when paired with fresh basil, juicy tomato, balsamic and olive oil, it’s a huge hit. (The upcharge to add prosciutto is worth every penny.) The meatballs were also good, and the calamari served with Israeli couscous, tomatoes, garlic, capers, niçoise olives and a touch of lemon zest was just the right amount of spicy. Speaking of great cheese, Taverna’s

customizable cheese-and-charcuterie plates are another smart way to start your meal. And since the selections change frequently, be sure to partake in Sweet Grass Dairy’s delightfully creamy Green Hill, from Thomasville, Ga. The meat selections include popular cured meats like jamon Serrano, prosciutto di parma, hot capocollo, soppressata, Genoa salami and chorizo. Lately, it’s been hard to pass up the Monday night special — any of Taverna’s signature brickoven pizzas paired with a pint of cold Intuition Ale Works beer for $12. The pizzas usually run up to $18, and another $5 for the beer. (That’s 11 bucks you can put toward dessert.) I recommend the soppressata — topped with house-made mozzarella, juicy robust San Marzano tomatoes, Italian dry salami and a fried egg with a delightfully runny center. The made-in-house pappardelle pasta with Bolognese sauce and shaved parmigiano reggiano cheese is another Italian standout. The thick flat noodles work well with the meaty sauce and fresh cheese. End your meal on a sweet note by opting for the trio of mini mint chip ice cream sandwiches, or ask about the daily flavors of homemade ice creams and sorbets. My scoop of strawberry balsamic gelato was perfectly round and extra creamy, garnished with a crunchy little cookie. Caron Streibich biteclub@folioweekly.com facebook.com/folioweeklybitesized

Soppressata pizza.

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 33

GRILL ME!

DINING DIRECTORY A WEEKLY Q&A WITH PEOPLE IN THE FOOD BIZ

NAME: Tyson Gerhardt RESTAURANT: Mellow Mushroom Pizza Bakers, 3611 St. Johns Ave., Avondale BIRTHPLACE: Fairfax, Va. YEARS IN THE BIZ: 20 FAVORITE RESTAURANT (other than mine): Marker 32 at the Intracoastal Waterway, Jax Beach FAVORITE COOKING STYLE: Making things round. FAVORITE INGREDIENTS: All things fresh. IDEAL MEAL: Roast pork, mashed potatoes, fresh green beans and sauerkraut WILL NOT CROSS MY LIPS: SeaWorld’s fish sandwich NOTABLE RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE: A can of Pam exploded and blew the doors open. INSIDER’S SECRET: There is no frumunda cheese. CELEBRITY SIGHTING: None yet; we just opened! Come by! CULINARY TREAT: Uni (sea urchin)

BROOKLYN PIZZA, 11406 San Jose Blvd., 288-9211. 13820 St. Augustine Rd., 880-0020. F Brooklyn Special Pizza is a fave. Calzones, white pizza, homestyle lasagna. $$ L D Daily GIGI’S RESTAURANT, 3130 Hartley Rd., 694-4300. F Prime rib & crab leg buffet Fri.-Sat., blue-jean brunch Sun., daily breakfast, lunch, dinner buffets. $$$ B R L D Daily LA NOPALERA, 11700 San Jose Blvd., 288-0175. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily LARRY’S, 11365 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 3, 674-2945. F See Baymeadows. $ C B L D Daily KAZU JAPANESE RESTAURANT, 9965 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 35, 683-9903. 17+ years of sushi skills. Uni, toro, Jaguar, Florida sunrise, spectrum, rock shrimp tempura, jalapeño shrimp. $$ L D Daily RACK ’EM UP BILLIARDS, 4268 Oldfield Crossing Dr., 262-4030. See Arlington. $ R Sat.-Sun.; D Nightly RENNA’S PIZZA, 11111 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 12, 292-2300. F Casual New York-style pizzeria. Calzones, antipasto, parmigiana, homemade breads. $$ C L D Daily

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ARON’S PIZZA, 650 Park Ave., 269-1007. F Familyowned restaurant has eggplant dishes, manicotti, New York-style pizza. $$ C L D Daily THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells Road, 272-5959. Upscale restaurant. New Orleans shrimp, certified Black Angus prime rib, she-crab soup. Homemade desserts. $$$ D Tue.-Sat. LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1930 Kingsley Ave., 276-2776. F See San Marco. $$ C L D Daily © 2013 LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 700 Blanding, Ste. 15, 272-3553. 1545 C.R. 220, 278-2827. 1330 Blanding, 276-7370. 1404 S. Orange Ave., Green Cove Springs, 284-7789. F See Baymeadows. $ C B L D Daily PREVATT’S SPORTS BAR & GRILL, 2620 Blanding Blvd., Ste. 17, Middleburg, 282-1564. F Neighborhood sportsbar. Familiar fare, spirits. $$ C L D Daily RENNA’S PIZZA, 6001 Argyle Forest Blvd., Ste. 16, 771-7677. F See Mandarin. $$ C L D Daily TED’S MONTANA GRILL, 8635 Blanding Blvd., 771-1964. See St. Johns Town Center. $$$ C L D Daily THAI GARDEN, 10 Blanding Blvd., Ste. B, 272-8434. Pad kraw powh, roasted duck, kaeng kari. Fine wines, imported, domestic beers. $$ L Mon.-Fri.; D Nightly

PONTE VEDRA, NW ST. JOHNS

ALICE & PETE’S PUB, 1000 PGA Tour Blvd., Sawgrass Marriott, 285-7777. Dominican black bean soup, Pete’s Designer club sandwich. Outside dining. $$$ L D Daily AL’S PIZZA, 635 A1A, 543-1494. F BOJ. See Beaches. $ C L D Daily JJ’S LIBERTY BISTRO, 330 A1A N., Ste. 209, 273-7980. Traditional French cuisine: escargot, paté, steak frites, crêpes. Specials, pastries; French wines. $ $ L D Mon.-Sat. LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 830 A1A N., Ste. 6, 273-3993. F See Baymeadows. $ C B L D Daily RESTAURANT MEDURE, 818 A1A N., 543-3797. Dishes with international flavors. Small plates. $$$ D Mon.-Sat. TABLE 1, 330 A1A N., Ste. 208, 280-5515. Upscale, casual. Sandwiches, flatbreads, burgers, entrées. $$$ L D Daily

RIVERSIDE, 5 POINTS, WESTSIDE

34 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

AL’S PIZZA, 1620 Margaret St., Ste. 201, 388-8384. F BOJ. See Beaches. $ C L D Daily BOLD BEAN COFFEE ROASTERS, 869 Stockton St., Stes. 1-2, 855-1181. F BOJ. Small-batch, artisanal approach to roasting coffee. Organic, fair trade. $ B L Daily GINA’S DELICATESSEN, 1325 Cassat Ave., 353-9903. In Duval Honda showroom. Mediterranean-style sandwiches. Nawleansstyle beignets, café au lait with chicory. $ B L Daily GRASSROOTS NATURAL MARKET 2007 Park St., 384-4474. F BOJ. Juice bar has cer tified organic fruit, vegetables. Artisanal cheese, 300+ craft/import beer, 50 organic wines, produce, meats, wraps, raw, vegan. $ B L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 1509 Margaret St., 674-2794. 7859 Normandy Blvd., 781-7600. 5733 Roosevelt Blvd., 446-9500. 8102 Blanding Blvd., Ste. 1, 779-1933.

SAN JOSE, LAKEWOOD

EMPEROR’S GENTLEMAN’S CLUB 4923 University Blvd. W., Lakewood, 739-6966. Upscale steakhouse features steaks, burgers, seafood and wings. $$ L D Daily FUSION SUSHI, 1550 University Blvd. W., Lakewood, 636-8688. F New upscale sushi spot serves fresh sushi, sashimi, hibachi, teriyaki, kiatsu. $$ C L D Daily MOJO BAR-B-QUE, 1607 University Blvd. W., 732-7200. F BOJ. See Beaches. $$ C B L D Daily URBAN ORGANICS, 5325 Fairmont St., Spring Park, 398-8012. Weekly coop every Monday that offers local, fresh fruits and vegetables in bags of 10, 20 or 30 pounds.

SAN MARCO, SOUTHBANK, ST. NICHOLAS

F See Baymeadows. $ C B L D Daily MOON RIVER PIZZA, 1176 Edgewood Ave. S., Murray Hill, 389-4442. F Northern-style pizzas, 20+ toppings, by the pie or the slice. $ L D Mon.-Sat. THE MOSSFIRE GRILL, 1537 Margaret St., 355-4434. Ahi tuna tacos, goat cheese enchiladas, gouda quesadillas, chicken enchiladas. Indoor, patio. $$ C L D Daily O’BROTHERS IRISH PUB, 1521 Margaret St., 854-9300. F Traditional Irish: shepherd’s pie, Scotch eggs, Guinness mac-n-cheese, fish-n-chips. Patio. $$ C L D Daily SAKE HOUSE #1 JAPANESE GRILL SUSHI BAR, 824 Lomax St., 301-1188. F Traditional Japanese cuisine, fresh sushi, sashimi, kiatsu, teriyaki, hibachi in an authentic atmosphere. Sake. A real tatami room; outside seating. $$ L D Daily SUN-RAY CINEMA, 1028 Park St., 359-0049. F Beer (Bold City, Intuition Ale Works), wine, pizza, hot dogs, hummus, sandwiches, popcorn, nachos, brownies. $$ Daily SUSHI CAFÉ, 2025 Riverside Ave., Ste. 204, 384-2888. F Sushi rolls: Monster, Jimmy Smith, Rock-n-Roll, Dynamite. Hibachi, tempura, katsu, teriyaki. Patio. $$ L D Daily

ST. AUGUSTINE

AL’S PIZZA, 1 St. George St., 824-4383. F BOJ. See Beaches. $ C L D Daily BACK 40 URBAN CAFÉ, 40 S. Dixie Hwy., 824-0227. F Caribbean-flavored wraps, upside-down chicken potpie, local seafood. Wi-Fi. $ C L Sun.; L D Mon.-Sat. CARMELO’S MARKETPLACE & PIZZERIA, 146 King St., 494-6658. F New York-style brick-oven-baked pizza, fresh sub rolls, Boar’s Head meats, cheeses, garlic herb wings. Outdoor seating, Wi-Fi. $$ L D Daily THE FLORIDIAN, 39 Cordova St., 829-0655. Updated Southern. Fresh, local ingredients from area farms. Glutenfree, vegetarian. Fried green tomato bruschetta, blackened fish, shrimp & grits. $$$ C L D Wed.-Mon. GYPSY CAB COMPANY, 828 Anastasia Blvd., Anastasia Island, 824-8244. F 25+ years; menu changes daily. Gypsy chicken, seafood, tofu, duck, veal. $$ R Sun.; L D Daily THE HYPPO, 15 Hypolita St., 217-7853 (popsicles only). 1765 Tree Blvd., Ste. 5, 342-7816. F Popsicles, coffee pourovers, cold-brew coffees. Handcrafted sandwiches. $ Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 410 Anastasia Blvd., 826-4040. F See Beaches. Bite Club. BOJ. $ C L D Daily MOJO OLD CITY BBQ, 5 Cordova St., 342-5264. F BOJ. See Beaches. $$ C B L D Daily THE ORIGINAL CAFÉ ELEVEN, 501 A1A Beach Blvd., St. Augustine Beach, 460-9311. F Coffee drinks, vegetarian meals, Southern comfort dishes. $ B L D Daily PACIFIC ASIAN BISTRO, 159 Palencia Village Dr., 305-2515. F BOJ. Chef Mas creates 30+ unique sushi rolls; fresh sea scallops, Hawaiian-style poke tuna salad. $$ L D Daily

ST. JOHNS TOWN CENTER

BLACKFINN AMERICAN GRILLE, 4840 Big Island Dr., 345-3466. Classic American fare: beef, seafood, pasta, flatbreads. Indoors, patio. $$$ C R L D Daily M SHACK, 10281 Midtown Pkwy., 642-5000. F BOJ. See Beaches. $$ L D Daily MY MOCHI FROZEN YOGURT, 4860 Big Island Dr., Ste. 2, 807-9292. Non-fat, low-calorie, cholesterol-free frozen yogurts. 40+ toppings. $ Daily OVINTE, 10208 Buckhead Branch Dr., 900-7730. BOJ. Tapas, small plates of Spanish, Italian flavors: ceviche fresco, pappardelle bolognese, lobster ravioli. 240-bottle wine list, 75 by the glass; craft spirits. $$ R, Sun.; D Nightly RENNA’S PIZZA, 4624 Town Crossing Dr., Ste. 125, 565-1299. F See Mandarin. $$ C L D Daily SEASONS OF JAPAN, 4413 Town Center Pkwy., 329-1067. Casual-style restaurant serves Japanese and hibachi-style fare, sushi, quick-as-a-wink. $$ C L D Daily TED’S MONTANA GRILL, 10281 Midtown Pkwy., 998-0010. Modern classic comfort food. Bison, signature steaks, gourmet burgers. Crab cakes, cedar-plank salmon, desserts, private label Bison Ridge wines. $$$ C L D Daily

BASIL THAI & SUSHI, 1004 Hendricks Ave., 674-0190. F Pad Thai, curries, sushi, served in a relaxing environment. Dine indoors or on the patio. $$ L D Mon.-Fri., D Sat. PIZZA PALACE 1959 San Marco Blvd., 399-8815. F Family-owned. Homestyle cuisine: spinach pizza, chicken spinach calzones. Ravioli, lasagna, parmigiana. Outside dining. $$ C L D Daily THE GROTTO WINE & TAPAS BAR, 2012 San Marco Blvd., 398-0726. Varied tapas menu of artisanal cheese plates, empanadas, bruschettas, homestyle cheesecake. 60+ wines by the glass. $$$ Tue.-Sun. LA NOPALERA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1631 Hendricks Ave., 399-1768. F Tamales, fajitas, pork tacos. Some La Nops offer a full bar. $$ C L D Daily MATTHEW’S, 2107 Hendricks Ave., 396-9922. Matthew Medure’s flagship. Fine dining, European-style atmosphere. Artfully presented cuisine, small plates, e xtensive martini/ wine lists. Reservations. $$$$ D Mon.-Sat. PULP, 1962 San Marco Blvd., 396-9222. Juice bar has fresh juices, frozen yogurt, teas, coffees made one cup at a time. 30 smoothies, some blended with fl avored soy milks, organic frozen yogurts, granola. $ B L D Daily SAKE HOUSE #2 JAPANESE GRILL SUSHI BAR, 1478 Riverplace Blvd., 306-2188. F See Riverside. $$ L D Daily

SOUTHSIDE

360° GRILLE IN LATITUDE 30, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555. F Casual dining favorites: steaks, sandwiches, burgers, chicken, seafood and pizza. Dine inside or out on the patio. $$ L D Daily ALHAMBRA THEATRE & DINING, 12000 Beach Blvd., 641-1212. Longest running dinner theater features Executive Chef DeJuan Roy’s menus coordinated with stage productions. Reservations suggested. $$ D Tue.-Sun. BUCA DI BEPPO, 10334 Southside Blvd., 363-9090. Fresh Italian: lasagna, garlic mashed potatoes; 3 portion sizes (half-pound meatballs!); family-style. $$$ C L D Daily CASA MARIA, 14965 Old St. Augustine Rd., 619-8186. F See Springfield. $ C L D Daily FARAH’S PITA STOP CAFÉ, 3980 Southside Blvd., Ste. 201, 928-4322. Middle Eastern sandwiches, entrées, desserts, pastries, mazas (appetizers). $ C B L D Mon.-Sat. JJ’s BISTRO DE PARIS, 7643 Gate Pkwy., Ste. 105, 996-7557. Authentic French cuisine. Scratch kitchen: soups, stocks, sauces, pastries. $$ C L D Mon.-Sat. LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 3611 St. Johns Bluff S., 641-6499. 4479 Deerwood Lake Pkwy., 425-4060. F See Baymeadows. BOJ. $ C B L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 9734 Deer Lake Ct., Ste. 1, 997-1955. F See Beaches. Bite Club. BOJ. $ C L D Daily OISHII, 4375 Southside Blvd., Ste. 4, 928-3223. Japanese fusion cuisine: fresh, high-grade sushi, lunch specials, hibachi. $$ C L D Daily SEVEN BRIDGES GRILLE & BREWERY, 9735 Gate Pkwy. N., 997-1999. F Local seafood, steaks, pizzas, freshly brewed ales, lagers. Inside, outdoors. $$ L D Daily TAVERNA YAMAS, 9753 Deer Lake Court, 854-0426. Bite Club. BOJ. Greek spot. Char-broiled kabobs, seafood, traditional wines, desserts. Belly dancing. $$ C L D Daily TOMMY’S BRICK OVEN PIZZA, 4160 Southside Blvd., Ste. 2, 565-1999. F New York-style thin crust, brick-ovencooked pizzas – gluten-free; calzones, sandwiches fresh to order, Thumann’s no-MSG meats, Grande cheeses. Boylan’s soda. Curbside pick-up. $$ L D Mon.-Sat.

SPRINGFIELD, NORTHSIDE

CASA MARIA, 12961 N. Main St., Ste. 104, 757-6411. F Family-owned-and-operated. Authentic Mexican: fajitas, seafood, hot sauces, tacos de asada. $ C L D Daily LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 12001 Lem Turner, 764-9999. F See Baymeadows. $ C B L D Daily RENNA’S PIZZA, 840 Nautica Dr., Ste. 117, 714-9210. F See Mandarin. $$ C L D Daily SAVANNAH BISTRO, 14670 Duval Rd., 741-4404. F Low Country Southern fare, twist of Mediterranean and French at Crowne Plaza Airport. Crab cakes, New York strip, she crab soup, mahi mahi. Rainforest Lounge. $$$ C B L D Daily STICKY FINGERS, 13150 City Station Dr., 309-7427. F See Baymeadows. $$ C L D Daily

ASTROLOGY

Sherpas, Bigfoot and Volkswagen Golf ARIES (March 21-April 19): “There was another life that I might have had, but I am having this one.” So says a character in Kazuo Ishiguro’s novel The Unconsoled. At this juncture in your life story, it might be healing to make a similar declaration. Now’s an excellent moment to say a final goodbye to plot twists that never happened. To do so will free up stuck energy that will then become available for future projects. You may even awaken to exciting possibilities you haven’t imagined.

boring day in history. The winner? April 11, 1954. It was selected because almost nothing important happened except an election in Belgium. You might reach that level of blah sometime soon. Astrological omens suggest it’s possible. Frankly, I hope that’s exactly what happens. You need a break from high adventure and agitated activity. You’d benefit from indulging in some downtime to let you luxuriate in silence and stasis. It’s time to recharge your psychic batteries.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In May 2011, two Nepali men reached the top of Mt. Everest after a six-week climb. Lakpa Tsheri Sherpa and Sano Babu Sunuwar had prepared an unprecedented way to get back down the mountain. Strapping themselves to a single parachute, they leaped off, paragliding for 45 minutes, landing near a Sherpa village thousands of feet below the summit. Look for a metaphorical version of a shortcut like that. Don’t do the next part of the journey the same way you did the previous phase. Take a more direct route. Enjoy an alternate adventure. Meet a fresh challenge.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You won’t be the recipient of good luck in the days ahead. Nor will you experience bad luck, dumb luck or weird luck. The serendipitous slew of synchronicities that will slip and slide into your sphere requires a new word, which I’ve coined for this: “shluck.” Shluck is a cracked yet plucky sort of backwards luck that gives you an abundance of curious slack. Shluck slings a series of happy accidents and curious coincidences your way to give you experiences you didn’t even realize you needed. To take maximum advantage of shluck’s benefits, dispense with agendas and drop expectations.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Seeking wisdom and chasing after pleasure are polar opposites, right? You must devote yourself to either one or the other, correct? You can be an enlightened servant of the greater good or an exuberant hedonist in quest of joy, but not both. True? No. No. No. False. Wrong. Here’s the bigger truth: Now and then, grace periods come along when you can become smarter and kinder by exploring the mysteries of feeling really good. Can you guess when the next of these grace periods will arrive? It’s here now! CANCER (June 21-July 22): Humans walked on the moon before anyone ever had the simple idea to put wheels on suitcases. Unbelievable, right? Until 1972, three years after astronauts first alit on the lunar surface, travelers in airports and train stations had to carry and drag wheelless containers full of their belongings. A comparable out-of-sequence thing may be going on in your life. In some ways, you’re totally up-todate; in others, you’re lagging behind. Now’s a good time to identify any discrepancies and start correcting them. Metaphorically speaking, have rolling luggage next time you take a journey. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Have you ever heard of the sasquatch, aka Bigfoot? You know, one of those big, hairy, humanoid beasts that walks upright and lives in dense forests? Scientists assure us there’s no such thing, but they used to say the same thing about the platypus. It was a myth, they declared; a figment of explorers’ vivid imaginations. A duck-billed, egg-laying mammal simply couldn’t exist. When respected British zoologist George Shaw claimed there was indeed such a creature, he was mocked by his contemporaries. Eventually, though, the truth emerged and Shaw was vindicated. You’ll soon experience an event akin to the discovery and confirmation of the platypus’ reality. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Kyoka is a Japanese word that means a flower reflected in a mirror. Use it as a metaphor to help you understand what’s happening in your life now. Clues to start: Are you more focused on the image of what you love than on what you love? If so, is there anything wrong with that, or is it fine? Are you more interested in ephemeral beauty you can admire from afar than in tangible beauty you can actually touch? If so, is there anything wrong with that, or is it fine? Should you turn away from a dreamy surrogate and turn toward the real thing? If so, why? LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A British researcher poured 300 million facts into a computer program designed to determine the most

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In the fairy tale “Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves,” poor woodcutter Ali Baba is collecting firewood in the forest when he spies a gang of thieves bragging about their exploits. Observing them from a hiding place, he hears them chant a phrase, “Open sesame.” This magically unseals the opening to a cave that’s full of stolen treasure. Later, when the thieves have left, Ali Baba goes to the cave and says “open sesame.” The hocus-pocus works. He slips inside and steals a bag of gold from the robbers’ plunder. This story has resemblances to an adventure you may enjoy soon. You may discover your version of “open sesame.” It’ll give you access to a less literal and more legitimate bounty. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your ability to heal rifts and bridge gaps is unusually high. You could connect seemingly irreconcilable elements and forge apparently impossible links. Former allies who’ve become estranged might be moved to bond again through your compassionate intervention. I’m not promising amazingly miraculous feats of unification, but don’t rule them out, either. You have a sixth sense how to create interesting mixtures by applying just the right amount of pressure and offering just the right kind of tenderness. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): My friend Harry said he wanted to teach me to play golf. “Are you kidding?” I asked him incredulously. “The dullest game on the planet?” He tried to convince me that it would provide lots of interesting metaphors I could use writing horoscopes. “Name one,” I challenged him. He told me that “Volkswagen” is a slang term that describes what happens when a golfer makes an awkward shot that nevertheless turns out to be quite good. “Hmmm,” I replied. “That’s exactly the theme I’ve decided on for the Aquarius horoscope.” PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Do you remember being in your mother’s womb? Probably not. Here’s what I know about that: The first few weeks after you were conceived, your body grew at a very rapid rate. Once you were born, if you’d continued to expand and develop with that much vigor, you’d have grown to be as big as a mountain by now. Be thankful you slowed down. I do want to sound an alert and let you know you’re now in a growth spurt with metaphorical resemblances to that original eruption. It’s mostly a good thing – be aware you may have growing pains. Rob Brezsny freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com

MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 35

CONVERSATION SURPRISE You: Attractive SWF, 5’2”-4”, 130, nonsmoker, athletic, late 50s-early-60s. Afternoon conversation, coffee, you nearly choked when I asked if you’d be interested in “friends with benefits LTR.” Gave your cell number; can’t find. Me: SWM, 5’8”, 185, nonsmoker, excellent health, early 70s, recently retired successful executive, homeowner. When: Jan. 15. Where: Starbucks. #1341-0312 SWEATY CYCLIST SEEKS SEXY SITTER You: Beautiful, Middle-Eastern-looking au pair, pumping gas at Gate; two kids. Me: Fit, ginger, sun-glistened cyclist. Our eyes locked, my heart pulled a wheelie. My Schwinn couldn’t keep up with your Audi. Drop kids; then see what my cyclist pants can barely contain. When: March 1. Where: Gate Gas Station. #1340-0312 BATHROOMS & SOUP? Me: Short, red-headed woman, black uniform. You: Gorgeous blue eyes, grey shirt, almost-shaved blond hair. First, you asked where the bathroom was; I clumsily answered. Then, we saw each other in the check-out lane. You and my mom talked about soup myths. I’d really like to get to know you. :) When: March 2. Where: Barnes & Noble, San Jose Blvd. #1339-0305 MOST BEAUTIFUL NURSE You: Most caring nurse I’ve ever seen. Short, brown-haired Latin goddess with glasses and always smiling. V., you are so good with the children you take care of. Would love to take you out some time. When: Feb. 7. Where: Wolfson ICU. #1338-0305 I SWEAR I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC! That’s the only line I could think of at the time to talk to you. We chatted and joked for a few, then I got dragged off by my friends and lost you. Me: Red hair, black mini, knee-high boots. You: Short brown hair, looking dapper. See you there again? When: Feb. 14. Where: Eclipse. #1337-0226 ASKED TO READ MY MIND For two years, I’ve thought about you every day and dreamed about you every night! You: Curious & Disturbed. Me: Glasses. When: Every day. Where: The neighborhood. #1336-0226 POWERHOUSE HOTTIE I remember how rough your hand felt on mine as we reached for the same 15-pound dumbbell. I recommended lifting gloves to help keep your hands soft. You liked my Magnum PI-style moustache. You said you may try to grow one. Let’s get together and watch “Silence of the Lambs.” When: Feb. 2. Where: Powerhouse Gym. #1335-0212 YOU’VE GOT MAIL We were both at the library to check our emails. You must be “without home” like me. Your blonde unkempt hair was appealing. You caught my good eye when you walked in. I’d love to have a cup of recycled coffee with you some day. I’m available 24/7. When: Feb. 3. Where: Public Library. #1334-0212 SHARK TEETH & T&A You: At the end of the bar with your braid just lying on your chest. I bought you and your friends a shot but I really just wanted to buy you one. Round two? When: Feb. 5. Where: Flying Iguana. #1333-0212 FROZEN FOODS HOTTIE You: Green pants, white shirt, brown boots, beautiful black hair. Me: Tall, slim, blue shirt, curly Afro. I see you in the frozen foods section on your lunch hour sometimes.

36 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014

You look like you just know how to own life. Teach me how? When: Jan. 22. Where: Winn-Dixie, Edgewood & Commonwealth. #1332-0212 BEAUTIFUL LADY IN BROWN HAT ISU at Bonefish Grill having drinks with a girlfriend and we made eye-to-eye contact numerous times. You wore a large rimmed brown hat and a long plaid skirt. I had on a gold shirt with a green vest. Would love to have dinner together at Bonefish. Hope to hear from you. When: Jan. 28. Where: Bonefish Grill. #1331-0205 NEED A BRUSH Saw you at Bento. You were confidently comfortable in your underarmor and ruffled hair. You paid for my shrimp tempura. Meet me under the two paintings Feb. 14 at 11 p.m. When: Feb. 1. Where: Bento. #1330-0205 WE LOCKED EYES You parked grey pickup by Walgreen’s. Walked by, looked; we locked eyes. I drove metallic SUV. We spoke, flirted, smiled. You left, I went behind Walgreens. You still there; locked eyes again. Still looking, you drove off. We honked horns. Me: Black female. You: White male. Let’s see where it goes. When: 3 p.m. Dec. 22. Where: Walgreen’s parking lot, Normandy. #1329-0129 ADVENTURE LANDING BASKETBALL DAD You: Handsome dad of teen shooting hoops near the snack area. Me: Mom of birthday boy. Lots of eye contact. Hoping for more! When: Jan. 17. Where: Adventure Landing/Blanding Blvd. #1328-0129 IN LINE AT WALGREENS You: Tall, handsome, beard, shopping with young daughter. Me: Blue-eyed brunette, ponytails, ballcap, black workout gear behind you in line. We made eye contact. Hope it was your daughter’s presence, not my lack of makeup, that kept you from saying, “Hi.” When: Jan. 18. Where: Walgreens @ C.R. 210 & C.R. 2209. #1327-0122 BRIGHT YELLOW HEELS You: Tall brunette at Target San Jose/295 on 19 Jan.; short black dress, black tights. Your bright yellow heels caught my eye. You checked out faster than I did; I couldn’t catch up in the parking lot. Me: Tall, in a blue hat. We made eye contact right before you checked out. When: Jan. 19. Where: Target on San Jose/295. #1326-0122 RED DRESS BISTRO AIX Me: Awesome. You: Decent, in a red dress. Called you a name starting with “J.” You left. Let’s do it again. When: Jan. 11. Where: Bistro Aix. #1325-0115 DOES THE BODY GOOD You in your sexy black uniform. Me in my Green Bay shirt. I want to work you out sometime. Please? When: Jan. 5. Where: Lynch’s Irish Pub. #1324-0108 SEXY SHOES AT PUBLIX You: Super classy blonde at pharmacy. Me: Tall guy feeling electricity between us! Had to wait, took a seat. You were leaving and walked my way smiled and said “good luck.” I said “nice shoes” then enjoyed the view as you walked away. Let’s talk! When: Dec. 29, 2013. Where: Publix @ University Blvd. #1323-0108 YOU FOLLOWED ME OUTSIDE Me: Girl by myself. You: With friends dancing. You offered to buy me drink, I was drinking water, you followed me outside and asked for my #, I told you I was leaving for VA Monday. Should have given you my #, don’t want to start the New Year by being afraid. I’m in Daytona for a month. When: Dec. 27, 2013. Where: Ragtime. #1322-0108

NEWS OF THE WEIRD Sobering Signs In February, the Tennessee Supreme Court ruled David Bell couldn’t avoid being charged with DUI just because he’d been sober enough to pass all six “field sobriety tests” administered during a traffic stop. It was enough, the court said, that he admitted drinking that night. A few days later, the Austin American-Statesman reported on Texan Larry Davis’ struggle to clear the 2013 DWI arrest from his record — since he’d blown a 0.0 alcohol reading that night and then had voluntarily undergone a blood test for other impairing drugs, coming up clean on that. Davis had admitted to “one drink,” but allegedly failed a “field sobriety test” (in the opinion of the arresting officer). Davis’ case is still unresolved, but since he has been declared an “indigent,” the state covers his legal expenses.

Compelling Explanations

Briton Jack Harvey, 42, got a three-year-plus sentence in Truro Crown Court in February after he pleaded guilty to drug charges. Earlier, he insisted police planted the drugs they found in his house and car, and that a stranger (“some filthy woman,” he said) must be the owner of the cocaine and heroin that police found taped to his testicles.

Logical

John Rogers of Geneva, Fla., acquitted in a shooting death (using Florida’s “stand your ground” defense), convinced a judge in February to return his guns, which police confiscated when they arrested him. Rogers said he needs the guns for protection because he’s quite vulnerable — he’s blind.

Home Movies, Jefe

Rogerio Scotton, challenging federal charges in January that he lied to immigration officials about his “marriage” to a Cuban woman (a “sham,” said prosecutors), offered to prove the matrimony’s bona fides by showing the couple’s conjugal-bed videos in open court. The judge instructed Scotton to find a “less intrusive” way to make the same point.

The Continuing Crisis

The firm 3D Babies has begun selling (for $800) 8-inch-long fetal sculptures developed from 3-D ultrasound images, computer graphics and 3-D printing technology (“printing” successive layers of material continuously, eventually creating a physical object). Models (4-inch and 2-inch) are for $400 and $200, respectively. For celebrity hounds not planning imminent parenthood, the company sells one fetal sculpture off the shelf: the Kim Kardashian-Kanye West fetus (“Baby North West”), for only $250.

A Living Doll

Ms. Blondie Bennett (her recently acquired real name), 38, is not just a California model selling provocative “Barbie doll” photos of herself online (featuring her recently augmented 32JJ breast implants). She’s at work on a longer-range project to remake herself completely as a human Barbie doll — including the notion that Barbie represents bodily perfection and mindlessness. Bennett said she’s had 20 hypnotherapy sessions to “help” her seem more confused and vacant, according to news reports. “I want people to see me as a plastic sex doll, and being brainless is a big part of that.” She said she’s doing well — she recently got lost driving to her mother’s house.

First-World Problems

Designer Giorgio Armani is one of the most recent one-day sponsors of a United Nations project to send safe drinking water to help some of the planet’s 768 million people without access to a clean supply. The Tap Project program

signs up smartphone users with a reward: that it will donate one day’s clean water to a child for anyone who can manage to refrain from picking up his or her phone for 10 consecutive minutes. Tap Project screens even feature a 10-minute countdown clock to help do-gooders remain strong in the face of anxiety over the brief loss of access to Facebook, online games, et al.

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The Litigious Society

British litigant Jane Mulcahy was turned down twice recently in her attempts to sue her former divorce lawyers for negligence — though they had won her case, defeating her husband’s contentions. The lawyers were negligent, she said, because they never told her that if she “won” the lawsuit, the marriage would be over. Lord Justice Briggs, in the second appeal, said that Mulcahy’s Roman Catholic faith should have tipped her off that “divorce” ended the marriage.

Location, Location …

Clients Richard and Sandra Weiner filed a lawsuit in Paterson, N.J., in January against their former real estate agent, Robert Lindsay, who they said had a blatant conflict of interest while offering the Weiners’ house for sale. The agent allegedly, purposely, high-balled the asking price so that the house would remain unsold longer — so that two agents (Lindsay and Jeannemarie Phelan) could meet there frequently, using a duplicate key to bypass the lockbox recorder, and have sexual liaisons. The OFBanker BENEFIT agents denied the charge,PROMISE but Coldwell terminated their services.

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It’s a Dog’s Life

As Americans know, Canada’s health care system, funded largely by taxes, is dramatically less expensive than America’s — well, unless you’re a dog. The Canadian news service CTV reported in February that increasingly, pet owners in Winnipeg, Manitoba, are making the 120-mile car trip to Grand Forks, N.D., because U.S. veterinarian prices are significantly lower than comparable services by Canadian vets. One Winnipeg family, facing a $650 teeth-cleaning plus blood work for Jackson, their Shitzu, took him on the road trip to Grand Forks, where the bill came to $205.

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Ya Pay for It One Way or Another

The Internal Revenue Service might have second thoughts about suing William Berroyer to recover a $60,000 tax underpayment since, by the time Berroyer was finished with them, the federal government had been ordered to write Berroyer (now age 66) checks totaling nearly 15 times that much. Berroyer, who was on his way out of the IRS office in Hauppauge, N.Y., after his first meeting in 2008, tripped over a phone cord and fell against a filing cabinet, injuring himself so severely that he required a 17-day hospital stay and rehabilitation and alleged long-term confinement to a wheelchair.

Don’t Fence Me In

In February, after a 43-year-old rape victim in Cowlitz County, Wash., missed court hearings, prosecutors, needing her testimony, filed for a rare “material witness” warrant to assure her availability — by asking the judge to jail her. She acknowledged her anxieties, but promised to do better if the judge would dismiss the warrant. She pointed out that prosecutors were seeking to lock her up against her will, to force her to testify that a rapist had once locked her up against her will (in addition to other indignities). The sympathetic judge dismissed the warrant, but the woman has since missed another court date. Chuck Shepherd weirdnews@earthlink.net

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PONTE VEDRA SAN MARCO SOUTHSIDE AVONDALE AVENUES MALL 2044 SAN MARCO BLVD. THE SHOPPES OF PONTE VEDRA 3617 ST. JOHNS AVE. 330 A1A NORTH 10300 SOUTHSIDE BLVD. 398-9741 388-5406 280-1202 394-1390

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BACKPAGE EDITORIAL

Visionary Volunteerism

Why you should volunteer for One Spark

ach morning, when I cross over the Main Street Bridge into Downtown Jacksonville, I’m inspired by the glittering skyscrapers that surround me. Sometimes I’ll stop at Friendship Fountain, just before crossing over the bridge, to admire the city skyline in all of its glory. The feeling of driving above the St. Johns River into Downtown is like no other. I love being a part of this amazing city. When I gaze up at tall buildings, I not only think of the people who work in them, but also the visionaries who built them. I wonder what creative potential they might have foreseen for the city of Jacksonville, and I think about the future possibilities One Spark will bring to our city. As I walk down Laura and Adams streets, I look upward at the towering structures all around. They give me that uplifting feeling, the feeling that I’m a part of something bigger than myself. I want to share this feeling with the Jacksonville community and the world. Strangers on the sidewalk pass me by, busy on their way to other places. What these strangers don’t know is that our city is changing, and I’d like to invite them to be a part of that change. It’s kind of an eerie feeling, living in the country’s largest city by landmass, then arriving Downtown and seeing the streets empty and lifeless. Downtown Jacksonville is an empty jar just waiting to be filled, and One Spark can fill it. During One Spark last year, the jar was overflowing. I’ve seen the city light up and come alive only once in the three years that I’ve lived here, and I fell in love with the creative atmosphere. After One Spark, Jacksonville became a new city in my eyes. It was a sneak peek at what Jacksonville could be if given the opportunity to branch out, to connect and to create. I loved it. Naturally, when I find something I love, I stick with it. Last year, I attended One Spark as a curious festival-goer. After experiencing the festival firsthand and interacting with creators of art, innovation, music, science and tech projects, I knew that I wanted to be more involved. This year, I’ve been lucky enough to volunteer for One Spark as one of its public relations interns. I want to share my One Spark experience and encourage everyone in the Jacksonville community to get their hands dirty by creating life in our city through volunteerism at One Spark 2014. I’ve never been more convinced that volunteering at One Spark 2014 can, and

will, change your perspective of Jacksonville’s collaborative potential. Plus, volunteering is a great way to give back to the community as a whole. One of the great things about signing up with One Spark is that you not only get to give back to the community, you also have the opportunity to participate in a global movement. For those of you who haven’t heard of the five-day phenomenon, you’re probably wondering, “What is One Spark?” One Spark is an event held for five days this year — April 9-13 — where creators from all over the world light up Downtown. Artists, entrepreneurs and innovators will display projects over 20 square blocks at 78 venues in the heart of our city. One Spark is about connecting people who have great ideas to the community and resources they need to make their dreams a reality.

“Gosh, anybody! It was such a diverse group of volunteers. There were people from high school age, to people who were grandparents, all races and genders and interests, really. If you have an interest in Jacksonville, in innovation, in the environment, in technology, in just living life to the fullest — really, anybody [would make a perfect candidate].” The irreplaceable benefit of working with other local community members is the creation of lasting friendships and networking connections you make. “I gained an awesome group of friends,” Mandie Marron, a returning volunteer, says. “We’re all still really close and still hang out. We always do a bunch of things around Downtown together now, it’s really awesome.” If those testimonials aren’t enough to get your creative wheels rattling, think about this:

What these strangers don’t know is that our city is changing, and I’d like to invite them to be a part of that change. During One Spark, it’s completely normal — even expected — to never experience boredom. You will experience the vibrant creativity of the thinkers and doers in Downtown Jacksonville like never before: “I got to my first day of tech crew and I was running around and it was all crazy and all of a sudden my shift was over and I wasn’t ready to go home yet,” says Chris Arsenault, tech crew volunteer for One Spark 2013. “There were so many people Downtown and I met so many cool people volunteering, I ended up working around seven shifts, I think.” During the inaugural festival, everywhere I looked I saw a One Spark volunteer ready to help guide attendees and answer questions. More than 550 people mobilized to be One Spark volunteers in 2013. These amazing people contributed time and talent behind the scenes and on the front lines to keep the festival running smoothly. As a volunteer, you can join the team of innovators who will impact the city of Jacksonville, and eventually the world, in a major way. After experiencing One Spark myself, I asked one of the returning volunteers, Holly Lalli, whom she thought would be the perfect One Spark volunteer candidate. She replied,

As a volunteer, you have the opportunity to see great ideas and the power to make them a reality. One Spark provides the perfect platform to put your idea in front of more than 150,000 attendees, have it validated and receive valuable feedback from the community. And as a volunteer, you’re in the middle of all the action and work directly with creators and innovators from all over America. If you’re an aspiring creator, but aren’t quite ready to showcase your idea, volunteering is the best way to get a feel for the festival. It’s also a perfect way to start your project planning for next year’s One Spark! One Spark 2013 volunteer Onyx Seven nicely summarizes why you should volunteer: “I got a lot out of it. I learned so much about people. Being able to volunteer with so many different people and also to see so much creativity, I didn’t know we had that many talented people in Jacksonville and the surrounding areas. So just being able to meet people and interact with so many people and to see the excitement about what we were doing made my One Spark volunteer experience great.” Christine McFaul mail@folioweekly.com

The author, a University of North Florida student, is a One Spark 2014 public relations intern.

Folio Weekly welcomes Backpage Editorial submissions. Essays should be no more than 1,200 words and on a topic of local interest or concern. Email your Backpage to mail@folioweekly.com. Opinions expressed on the Backpage are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the editors or management of Folio Weekly. MARCH 12-18, 2014 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 39

40 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | MARCH 12-18, 2014