The Menagerie by Natalie Michaels | Fontaine Press

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“Girls, you’ll relate to at least one of the very savvy and sassy stories in this book about being sometimes single, sometimes not and sometimes, just not sure!”

Kelli Armstrong, OK! Magazine

“It’s always hard to get guys to talk about relationships, but open advice from Sydney’s leading bachelors and Natalie’s real life experiences will keep readers one step ahead.”

Luke Ricketson, Rugby League legend

“This ‘straight from the horses mouth’ knowledge on relationships is an insightful and funny read.”

Kate Waterhouse, Sunday Telegraph columnist

Contents Introduction

ix

Time Heals All Wounds

1

Mr Womaniser

3

Instinct Schminstinct Mr Scrooge Double Trouble Mr Wrong in Bed Heard It All Before?

Mr Higher Status Positive Self-Image Mr Insecure Counselling Mr Mummy’s Boy All We Need is Love

22 25 36 39 54 57 71 73 85 87 96

viii | Natalie Michaels

Mr Non-Committal Let’s Get Some Control Mr Love Addict Great Expectations Mr Lazy You and His Mates Mr Ex-Girlfriend The Dos and Don’ts of Moving On Mr Cheater The Fear of Being Single Mr Stalker

97 112 113 125 127 139 141 153 155 168 171

It’s all About You

181

How to Get Over Him

183

Mr Right

189

Acknowledgements

195

About the Author

197

About the Contributors

198

Publisher’s Bonus Taster

200

Introduction Before we even begin to venture down the rocky road of romance, past all those broken hearts still floundering forlornly on the kerbside after the relationship equivalent of a hit-andrun, I need to begin with a disclaimer: I am fully aware that not all men are rotten apples.

And, better still, that some of the good apples have yet to be picked off the tree!

Therefore, ladies, there is hope! And by the time you have finished reading this book, you will have a better chance of spotting such a man, because the next two hundred pages are dedicated to helping you to pick out the more undesirable members of ‘species male’ at twenty paces – the liars, the cheaters, the rather strange and the simply aloof – enabling you to run screaming in the opposite direction, perhaps even flying straight into the arms of your Mr Right (although what he thinks he’s doing hanging around back there, goodness only knows!).

If this book were a building it would be a Secure Unit for Heartbreakers, housing examples of the unsavoury, unscrupulous, and the downright unbalanced. However, walking through its corridors you wouldn’t find people rocking or banging their heads against the walls, rather you’d probably come across a group of nattily dressed men sitting around discussing sport and politics, who would turn as one and look at you with their Come to Bed Eyes, and before you know it you’ve succumbed and are on the way to your very own Secure Unit of the Duped and Disheartened Woman.

x | Natalie Michaels Therefore, it is a sad, sad fact that the primary lesson many ladies learn from their ex-boyfriends is that women can be bad judges of character! In the first days of heady romance, when your heart is madly funneling fireworks through your nervous system and your pheromones (your own special ‘love chemicals’) are doing the locomotion around your trembling limbs, your new man appears nothing less than an angel, signed, sealed and delivered via that cheeky little Cupid fella.

If all remains well, the future will be romance and roses.

Before you know it he’ll be buying fluffy little kittens with you, leaving you surprise love notes under your pillow, and racing home when he hears you’ve had a bad day carrying a magnum-size bottle of your favourite wine and giving you foot massages all evening…

Okay, let’s get real. Even my ‘happily married’ friends don’t talk about their relationship quite like this – it’s usually something more along the lines of ‘I can’t believe he fell asleep while I was telling him what an amazing bargain that designer dress was…’ But the real good guys always come up trumps in the end – either by a) apologizing and giving you a cuddle, b) cooking you breakfast in the morning, or c) paying for you to do a trolley dash around your favourite department store.

This book – perhaps a little sadly – isn’t going to tell you how to make a ‘Stepford’ man. As far as I’m aware, they just don’t exist. However, what I still believe do exist, despite some pretty horrible experiences to the contrary, are Mr Good Guy, Mr Truly Loves Me, Mr Completely Normal and Mr Bloody Nice. Not to mention Mr Knee Trembler. In short, that Mr Right is out there – somewhere – but rather like those old Where’s Wally books you can’t always flipping well see him for all the other idiots crowding in on you, giving you false signals.

So the big question is: How do you tell if your Mr Right is really Mr Wrong? Well, it’s time to get real and get honest, for there are usually some niggling little signs along the way. If your instincts begin to suggest that all is not well, then you should probably follow them. Likewise, if trusted friends begin

The MENagerie | xi to ask questions, perhaps you should be asking them too. The tragedy is when you carry on ignoring the warning signs until you hit catastrophe city, and by then you’re an emotional, distrusting, vengeful wreck.

Let’s face it, most of us find feigning ignorance over matters d’amour all too easy to do, and therefore we end up learning things the hard way. But it’s the relationship equivalent of ignoring chest pains and tingling in your left arm – your romance is heading towards cardiac arrest, and the best thing to do is to face it, without delay, and get some help. Either the problem will turn out to be fixable (panic attacks exhibit very similar symptoms to heart attacks, and who hasn’t panicked about the state of their relationship at some point), or your worst fears will be realized, and you’ll need a bit of time to recover. But, and this is important: whatever happens, you will be better off in the end.

While I am not a doctor or a psychologist (although you’ll find advice from them later on), I am intimately familiar with those first extreme emotions of joy, nervousness and excitement upon thinking you have met the most desirable man in the world, and the subsequent pain and disappointment when Mr Right ends up being Mr Wrong. (You can find my personal story overleaf.) At the time of writing, books on dating and relationship-advice columns are becoming more popular by the week, which all tell us how to get a mate, how to hang on to him, and how to understand his at times weird, at other times loveable, testosterone-fuelled ways. However, only when I began researching and speaking to friends did I realize how many different types of misbehaving man we had each encountered. Therefore, describing Mr Wrong in general just wasn’t enough, for unfortunately, there isn’t just one type, there’s a whole footie squad of them. I realized that what women needed was a thorough breakdown of what ominous signals we should be on the lookout for. So, with some trepidation, I set about capturing all the different types of bad boys I could find, and in the next 12 chapters you’ll find them pinned under my

xii | Natalie Michaels microscope so we can take a jolly good look at their squirmy little specimens.

If you are worried that your own Mr Right might be about to whisk off his mask and cape and reveal that he is, in fact, Monsieur Wrong, then this is the book for you. And if you are still looking for your perfect match, whether you are fresh into the dating game, or if you’ve been bitten hard before and are now more cautious and analytical before getting into a new relationship, then you’ll also find help in the following pages.

Each chapter goes through the prime characteristics of certain undesirable attitudes that might be exhibited by a classic ‘Mr Wrong’, and along with analysis, warning and comfort. You’ll find accounts from women who have found themselves dating such men, and tips from a variety of well-placed experts on how to avoid the pitfalls of such rotten male behaviour. As well, smaller interlude pieces on some of the common thoughts, feelings and behaviours that accompany experiences of Mr Wrong. I hope that the stories and advice help you to reflect on the circumstances of some of your own past relationships, and to realise that you are not alone if you have been left feeling frustrated due to a disappointing break-up, or even after just a few dates.

I’ve had my own personal experience of a Mr Wrong. After a whirlwind romance I got engaged, left my family and my job as a television presenter on Sky News, packed my bags and moved to LA. At the time I felt confident that this was the direction I had to take. Due to the commitments and the pressure of TV, I hadn’t had a holiday in three years, and I saw an opportunity that, maybe for the first time in my life, I should start pacing my career and focus more on my personal life.

The MENagerie | xiii A psychologist friend of my mum’s said, ‘You are really throwing yourself in the deep end. I advise you to stop and think about this. If you want a break from your job, just take a holiday, there’s no need to resign. This is not going to work out.

Long-distance relationships are impossible. Firstly, you have to know and understand a partner in order to love them. How can you be sure that you love this man when you have only known him for two months? You will be in a foreign country on his turf. The relationship always changes when you are in their land. You will only find things difficult and lonely. Who will you have overseas: NO ONE.’ My mum and dad agreed with the psychologist, but I thought I was in love, and so I felt sure I needed to try this out. However, once there I started questioning my relationship.

Something just wasn’t right between us. I felt sick in the pit of my stomach. My appetite dwindled and I couldn’t eat or sleep.

I knew what it was like when a guy genuinely cared for me and loved me, but somehow in this relationship it all felt one-sided.

Eventually, after events made it clear that the relationship was doomed, I left LA and returned to Sydney, nursing a wounded heart as I realised that our love had not been real.

The whole experience taught me not to believe in people’s words of love and big statements but rather to follow your first instincts, and take a step back to assess a situation before jumping in. Actions always speak louder than words, so no matter how much a person says they love you, always take your time. Although stressful, nothing has been more helpful in understanding who I am and what type of person I wish to spend the rest of my life with. Someone close to me once told me, and I now sincerely agree, that there’s nothing more lonely in life than being with the wrong person.

xiv | Natalie Michaels If you feel that your partner exhibits some of the symptoms of any of the Mr Wrongs layed bare in the following chapters, please don’t panic. I have included two levels of warnings: mild ones, which signal that maybe you should communicate your concerns to your other half, but which you might ultimately choose to accept as just differences of male/female opinion, and a more worrying set of ‘signs’, which might demonstrate a more serious problem. In the first instance I would always advocate working on communication with your partner to resolve such issues. Only if you cannot come to a satisfactory agreement after fully exploring this, and if you are still churned up, worried or miserable, it should be time to re-evaluate whether your relationship is working for you.

I hope you will ultimately be able to put your mind and heart at rest, even if you have to make difficult decisions in the short-term, and I wish you only happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships in the future.

Natalie

x

PLEASE NOTE: NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR PRIVACY, AS ALL ACCOUNTS IN THIS BOOK ARE TAKEN FROM REAL-LIFE EXPERIENCES.

Time Heals All Wounds Before we delve into the more dark and mysterious parts of the male psyche, we should spare a moment to consider the tribulations of the human heart. Everyone hears stories of broken hearts, but you can never truly understand the meaning of it until it happens to you. It’s one of the most unbelievable pains you can experience, a feeling like no other. You put so much energy and importance into another person…you build your life with them…and it results in the devastation and debilitation of a break-up.

In the face of such tremendous disappointment it is not surprising that a lot of us come out of such experiences feeling all bitter and twisted – some more than others, of course, but it often takes much longer than anyone ever expects to properly heal. But all you can do is move on with your life, and try not to look back. There’s nothing more demoralising than living in the past.

When you find the one you love it’s easy to believe your togetherness and strong love for one another will protect you from all the evil things that destroy other people’s relationships. It’s us against the world! Nothing will ever come between us! We are inseparable! We all think this, because

2 | Natalie Michaels why would any of us spend so much time and energy hunting for a great long-term partner if we did not believe in the allconquering power of love? However, from the very beginning of everyone’s relationship this state of togetherness and true love is tested under many different circumstances. Some will not matter all that much to either of you, so that you hardly notice them. Others will put your love on the line.

What happens when a big obstacle gets in your way of true love? Do you pack up and leave, or do you push yourself to the limit to try and work it out? And if, after all your efforts, it still goes pear-shaped, what then? Are all those weeks/months/ years you spent putting your heart and soul into a dead-end relationship precious wasted time that you cannot ever get back?

Well, the answer to that is NO. However painful, everyone learns from their disastrous previous relationships, and the ultimate rewards can be great. Being alone after a long-term relationship can be really scary at first. However, it’s important to really work on your confidence, to tell yourself, ‘I know that my life will work out. I know that I will find the right person one day to share my life with.’ It’s better to have tried and failed than not to try at all.

There really are positives to come out of a negative experience. If you don’t get caught up in dwelling on the disappointments, and learn from the past, you will be so much wiser, and your next relationship will be so much stronger for that.

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