CONTENTS Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . v That’s Going to Cost You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi I Find Your Lack of Savings Disturbing . . . . . . . . . 1 Spider-Man Got a Better Deal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 A Shylock Situation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Totally Tubular . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Unusual Racism . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Will Protect Universe for Car Loan . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 An Associate’s in Nuclear Weaponry . . . . . . . . . . 11 Forging an Empire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Stately Wayne Timeshare . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Rick Rolling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Cat Programming . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Die Another Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 The Love Boat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 I Think It May Be Time for an Intervention . . . . . 27 INTERLUDE I: And Sometimes We Get Organized . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 The Nerdiness Continues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 Unlikely Literary Circle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 He’s Persistent, I’ll Give Him That . . . . . . . . . . . 37 Callus Interruptus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Closed Captioned . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 You Don’t Have to Call Me “Darlin’,” Darlin’ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Actual vs. Reenactment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 The Dark Knight Rises . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 Lack of Usable Features . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 Female Role Models . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 We Love Ya’, Toby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 Perimeter Breach . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60 Our Family Doesn’t Talk Anymore . . . . . . . . . . . 61 INTERLUDE II: Till Humor Do Us Part . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65 Conversations at Home: Boobflexology . . . . . . . 66 Free Indian Bonus With Purchase! . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 Evolving Ethnic Background . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 Conversations at Home: Complimentary Penis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72 Taking a Little Vacation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73
Callus Interruptus II: The Musical . . . . . . . . . . . . 77 The Shawshank Erection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78 Weighting on Trial . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81 Got to Take Them All . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82 Post-Living Care . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86 Sales Responses Are Not Telephone-Dependent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88 The Hazzards of Telemarketing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91 Upgrade May Not Perform as Advertised . . . . . . 92 INTERLUDE III: We Mess With Both Kinds, Foreign and Domestic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95 Can’t Teach a New Dog Old Tricks . . . . . . . . . . . 97 I Am the Sphinx . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 Callus Interruptus III . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102 Retroactive Warranty Coverage . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 The Chosen One . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 106 I Only Had Time to Outline My Responses Today . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107 If the Success Rate Is Greater Than Zero, It Isn’t a Complete Failure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110 8-Bit Responses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112 Conversations at Home: Spa Treatment . . . . . . . 115 Get on Your Bikes and Ride . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118 O Canada! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119 Yeah... Okay... Sure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 Conflict Resolution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124 Creepy Last Request . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125 Conversations at Home: Inconsiderate . . . . . . . . 127 I’d Like the Marty McFly Coverage, Please . . . 129 INTERLUDE IV: Will the Real Haven Riney Please Stand Up? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 132 What’s in a Name? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133 The Quality of These Sales Leads Is Questionable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135 No Funding for You! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139 Live Streaming . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 Sadly, Someone in Hollywood Will Think This Is a Good Idea . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143 Not the Sparkly Kind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144 Expanding Sport Horizons . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146 I’m Unsure What the Right Answer Was Supposed to Be . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148
If This Call Is a Rockin’ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150 Speedy Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152 Sometimes They Even Play Along . . . . . . . . . . . 155 Warranty Does Not Cover Unintended Usage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157 Conversations at Home: Kidney Stones . . . . . . . 159 INTERLUDE V: Good... Good... Let the Hate Flow Through You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161 Taken for Granted . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163 Think of the Children! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169 No Funding for You!, Part II . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171 Sometimes You Just Have to Go Blue . . . . . . . . 173 Failure to Communicate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178 Failure Too: Electric Boogaloo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 182 It Is Entirely Too Late in the Evening for These Questions… . . . . . . . . . . . 184 Sometimes They Play Along: The Musical . . . . 186 Please Leave a Message . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189 On the Air . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194 I Need Better Villains . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195 And the Truth Shall Set You Free . . . . . . . . . . . . 200 The Dark Knight Budgets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202 INTERLUDE VI: Six Degrees of Telemarketing . . . . . . 204 Penile Superpowers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 205 One Pill Aftermath . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207 Exotic STDs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 210 No Funding for You!, Part III . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 212 Revolutionary Chocolate Starfish . . . . . . . . . . . . 214 Poo-Doh Prototype . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 217 The Wrath of Scammers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 219 I Admit It… I’m a Child With a Shiny New Toy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 221 Lost in Translation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 224 Messing With Telemarketers: Challenge! . . . . . . 226 Poor Life Choices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228 Tech Support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 230 Gainful Employment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 234 INTERLUDE VII: Where’s My Money, Brian?! . . . . . . . 241 Brian’s Song . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 242 Scam Not, Lest Ye Be Scammed . . . . . . . . . . . . 246 No Funding for You!, Part IV . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 252 The Pepsi Generation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 254 The Justice Leads of America . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 255 Shmendrik, Shmaltzy, Schmuck! . . . . . . . . . . . . 257 The Evil Leads of Evil . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261
Getting Back to Our Roots . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265 Medical Compensation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 266 The Six Million Dollar Brace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 270 TV Theme Interrupted . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 272 I Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means… . . . . . . 276 Post-Living Credit Terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 278 Get to the End of That Script By Any Means Necessary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 279 INTERLUDE VIII: I’m Not the Sarcastic You Want... I’m the Sarcastic You Deserve . . . . . . 282 “V” is for Victory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 283 Good? Bad? I’m the Guy With the Gun . . . . . . . 287 No Funding for You!, Part V . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 292 Hard to Get . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 293 Conversations at Home: Relationship Shorthand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 295 Minor Pre-Existing Condition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 297 Exotic Ingredients . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 299 Callus Interruptus IV . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 302 Sometimes They Don’t Play Along . . . . . . . . . . 303 Curses and Cures . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 310 Job Perception . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 311 Vacation Experience May Vary Based on Location . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 312 Medicare Superhero . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 316 Conversations at Home: Being a Dick . . . . . . . . 318 Safety Is a State of Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 320 INTERLUDE IX: Pay No Attention to the Asshole Behind the Curtain . . . . . . . . 322 Irritable Fuel System . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 324 Catastrophic Car Calamities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 325 No Funding for You!, Part VI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 327 No Funding for You or Your Religion! . . . . . . . . 329 You Say You Want a Revolution? . . . . . . . . . . . . 331 Nary an Error . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 333 And the Home of the Brave . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 335 Guess What Was Playing on TNT . . . . . . . . . . . 336 Conversations at Home: GPS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 337 Fiscal Irresponsibility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 338 Fancy Titles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 340 Not Sure if They Are Listening . . . . . . . . . . . . . 341 Conversations at Home: Raychel’s Revenge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 343 The Conversion of a Heathen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 344 Finale . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 346 Conversations at Home: Because It Made Me Laugh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 347
Tech Support *Ring* ME: Hello? THEM: Hello, sir. I am calling from Microsoft Alert Center. How are you today? ME: I’m okay. What can I do for you? THEM: Most good, sir. We are calling because we have been receiving the warning messages from your computer. ME: Have you now? THEM: Yes, sir. The messages indicate that your computer has been infected with the virus and the worms from internet activity. ME: My computer has worms? Guess I’ll have to get it one of those flea and tick collars. THEM: Yes, the worms are very bad. Do you have a desktop or the laptop in front of you, sir? ME: I have a toaster in front of me. THEM: Is it a laptop or desktop one, sir? ME: I generally don’t put my toaster in my lap. It’s a counter-top model. THEM: Not a laptop, so desktop... Okay, sir! Can you see the Windows? ME: Yes, there is a window in front of me. THEM: Can you open the Windows, sir? ME: I suppose. {I open the kitchen window.} This isn’t going to take long, is it? The AC is on and I am now cooling off the neighborhood.
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THEM: No, this will be very short, sir. You have the Windows open? ME: Yes, my window is open. It’s warm outside today. THEM: Can you see the four-flag Windows button on your keyboard? ME: I don’t have a keyboard on my toaster. I can set it to four. Will that work? THEM: Yes, the four-flag button. Press it, sir. ME: It is now set to four. THEM: Okay, hold the four-flag button and press “R.” Okay? ME: Still no keyboard... THEM: You have a run box open now, yes? ME: I have a place to put in bread. THEM: Okay, type this in the box: “eventvwr.” Okay? ME: Putting bread into slot. THEM: Press “enter” now, okay? ME: Pressing the button. THEM: Okay, you have Event Viewer open now, yes? ME: My toaster is now making toast. THEM: Okay, can you see where the errors are? ME: There are no errors, just a toasty smell. THEM: You cannot see the errors in the box? ME: Nope. THEM: Okay, I need you to open a web browser, okay? We will set up a remote link. ME: Can I close my window? It’s getting warm in here. THEM: Yes, close the window and open a web browser.
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ME: Okay, I have closed my window and have my toast. I am ready. THEM: Okay, what web browser do you have? Is it the Internet Explorer? The Google Chrome? ME: Safari. THEM: Excuse me? ME: My web browser is Safari. THEM: Please hold. *Two minutes later* SUPERVISOR: Sir, this is the floor supervisor. ME: Hi, there. SUPERVISOR: You are having trouble with your web browser? ME: Not really. SUPERVISOR: Okay, can you open it, please? ME: Sure. SUPERVISOR: Is it the Internet Explorer, Firefox, or Google Chrome? ME: It’s Safari. SUPERVISOR: That is on the Apples, sir. ME: Yes, I am on my iPad. SUPERVISOR: Why did you tell us you pulled up the Viewer box?! ME: I didn’t. I said I made toast. SUPERVISOR: Sir, we just try to help you. We cannot help you if you do not help us.
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ME: No, you are trying to gain remote access to my computer. I don’t feel like letting that happen today. SUPERVISOR: No, we just connect to your computer to look for problems, okay? ME: Sure you do. SUPERVISOR: Okay, just open your browser. Type in this website, okay? [Website URL redacted to prevent anyone from going to the scammer’s site.] Then hit enter when it asks you to download, okay? ME: Fine. Okay, is this some type of Bollywood porn site? SUPERVISOR: Yes, there are many viruses on the porn sites. We fix, okay? ME: What the hell is this site you sent me to? Elephants on Indians? You people are disturbing. SUPERVISOR: What is this you see? ME: I’m on that website you sent me to. I know cows are sacred in your culture, but... seriously, bro. You can love the cow, just don’t make love to the cow. And sure as hell don’t send me to your website about you loving your cows. SUPERVISOR: You must take it seriously, sir! ME: You can be serious about lovin’ cows, sir. However, I don’t have to watch you do it. SUPERVISOR: {Angry cursing}
*Click*
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Gainful Employment *Ring* ME: Hello? THEM: You are the job? ME: Um… yes? THEM: You need the job, yes?! ME: I need the job, yes. THEM: Okay! What kind of the job you want? ME: Something in the executive conning field. Corporate fund reallocation level, not the “Got your nose!” entry-level stuff. THEM: Okay, very good. The business fields. ME: How deliciously vague! Yes, I want a job in the business. THEM: Yes, yes I find. Hang on. ME: Sorry, I’ll hang on. THEM: Yes, you hang on. *Thirty seconds later* THEM: I have found the job for you. It is the short-term contract, okay? ME: I’m interested, sure. THEM: Okay, first I have to have your experience, okay? ME: Experience I have. Fire away. THEM: Okay, you have the high school diploma or GED, yes? ME: I have a bachelor’s degree in business management.
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THEM: But do you have high school diploma or GED?! ME: Yes, I have three high school diplomas and five GEDs. THEM: Okay, when you get first one? ME: 1899. THEM: You get first one then? Was it GED? ME: Yes, it was. THEM: Good. Good. Job requires computer. You use computer? ME: I do, indeed. THEM: You have computer at home? ME: I do! I have a TRS-80 that is hooked up to the internet via a turkey baster I am using as a router. THEM: Good, good! Do you do the programming? ME: I do all of the programming on the TRS-80. I’m working on punch cards right now. THEM: You are good at the programming? ME: No one knows their way around a 5.25” floppy disk like I do, sir. THEM: You know the SQL or Oracle? ME: I have been to the Oracle of Delphi a dozen times. The last of those times, I was kidnapped and they made me squeal until I got them the ransom money. THEM: Oh, it is called Squeal, not the SQL? ME: No one in the industry calls it SQL. It’s always making a computer Squeal. THEM: Oh, I did not know this! Thank you. So you know the Squeal? ME: I can make many things squeal, sir.
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THEM: You know Squeal on the Apple, too? ME: Yes, yes I do. THEM: Do you know the C#? ME: I know C, C+, C++, C+++, C+D=E, NAACP, USAARP, C#, Fortran, Visual Basic, Visual Intermediate, Visual Advanced, LCARS, and the programming language of the NSA known as “the keystrokes which shall not be named.” THEM: Oh, that is very helpful, sir, thank you! ME: Happy to help. Do I get the job? THEM: Oh, I do not be knowing yet, sir. Need more information still, okay? ME: Sure thing. THEM: Okay, do you be having the “Strong analystical and problem solving the skills”? ME: I have very strong… “analystical” skills. I am actually doing analystics right now in my free time. THEM: You are? ME: It helps me solve problems. THEM: Oh, that makes very much sense, then. ME: It does? I mean, of course it does. THEM: Sir, would you say that you have “ability to work with the minimum supervision and using the independent judgments”? ME: I work without supervision all the time, especially when unemployed. THEM: Yes, but do you use the independent judgments when you do?! ME: I have a coin I flip to make decisions. It is independent of me.
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THEM: Okay, you do when you have a coin, yes? ME: Yes, I use independent judgment whenever I have a coin or dice. In Vegas, my independent judgment is often at the craps table. THEM: The job is not in Vegas, sir. It is in Dallas. ME: Then ignore that statement. THEM: Okay, yes. Would you be the “highly motivated to be the best and produce the best”? ME: Except on Saturdays, when I am motivated to be the mediocre and produce the sub-par from a bar. THEM: The job is only on the weekdays, not the Saturdays. ME: Then, once again, you can ignore that. THEM: Yes, yes. Do you have the “excellent communication skills,” sir? ME: Ow-hay an-cay ou-yay ask-ay e-may at-thay? I speak English and fictional languages like Pig Latin, Klingon, and whatever that “Yub Nub” crap the Ewoks spoke in Jedi. THEM: How many languages, sir? ME: Thirty-six. THEM: Including the English?! ME: Thirty-seven. THEM: You speak 37 languages? ME: Blingal-bongal-ningle-naggle! THEM: Very good, sir! ME: Nepal, Saskatoon! San Pedro y Nuevo Laredo lunar Pflugerville. THEM: Yes, yes, sir! You speak very good. ME: Delbert!
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THEM: Okay, sir. Do you have the special skills to list? ME: Oh, God, yes. THEM: What are your special skills? ME: Well, I am an avid inventor in my spare time. THEM: Aviator innovator… okay... No, sir, I need your special skills. We get to your experience soon, okay? ME: Got it. I invented the box. THEM: You make boxes? ME: I invented the box. THEM: You invent a box? ME: Yes. Write it down. THEM: Okay, what else. ME: I also invented the letter W, the flightless airplane, MBA Yellow (Dr. Pepper’s half-cousin beverage), and the rotary cell phone. THEM: Okay, I put down, “Invents things like box.” Okay? ME: That should be just fine. THEM: What other skills? ME: I can program with my feet. I can hold my breath for nine minutes at a time. I can’t taste salt. I know all of the lyrics to every song ever whistled by Stevie Ray Vaughan. I— THEM: That is enough, sir. ME: Okay, then. THEM: Okay, sir. Do you have experience in job programming? ME: I was a program director at a radio station for five years. THEM: You directed program?
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ME: I did, sir. I directed lots of programming, and news, and weather on the 8s. THEM: Okay, you have the experience. I put you in for job, okay? ME: I can’t wait!
*Click* *About two days later*
*Ring* ME: Hello? THEM: Can I speak to Haven Riney, please? ME: Speaking. THEM: Yes, sir. I’m from [a staffing agency] and we had been referred your information from a third-party headhunting firm. ME: I see. THEM: We were comparing your data with a few positions and had a couple of questions about your application. ME: Really? Like what? THEM: This says you speak 37 languages. ME: I do? As far as I know, I speak English and bad Spanish. THEM: Okay. I knew something was off with this application. ME: Oh? What else doesn’t make sense? THEM: Well, the position this was put in for was an entrylevel programming position, and it says you were a program director for a radio station. ME: Yeah, I guess that doesn’t make any sense. My experience is mostly in the business-analysis and accounting fields.
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THEM (chuckling): It even says you invented “the box.” ME: Oh? Well, at least something on there was right. THEM: Oh? What is “the box”? ME: Not “the box.” The box. The rectangular or square container? I thought that up. THEM: Like a box. ME: Yes, I invented the box. THEM: Sir, you didn’t invent the box. ME: Then why do I keep getting these royalty checks? THEM: What royalty checks? ME: The box royalty checks! I get one every month. Every time you buy a box, I get a penny. THEM: Really? ME: Except for hat boxes. Stupid round hat boxes. Who ever heard of a round box?! It’s not natural! THEM: …
*Click*
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et’s face it: telemarketers can be annoying. Even telemarketers hate getting telemarketer calls. Whether they’re legitimate businesses, pollsters, or unscrupulous scammers, one fact is universal: when people repeatedly call at all hours, day and night, it can be maddening.
After a friend pranked Haven Riney by signing him up for tons of college-recruiting forms, he began receiving up to a hundred phone calls daily. He put his number on the Do Not Call List… he told pesky callers to put him on their lists… he yelled, screamed, begged, and pleaded… but nothing worked. Finally, he decided to waste their time instead. Riney’s lightning-quick wit, sharp comedic timing, and endless patience culminated in the hilarious collection of transcripts presented here. Every call is real, each funnier than the last. Getting mad does no good. Messing With Telemarketers shows why it’s better to get even.
“People blame me for the invention of telemarketing. . That was not my intention . Mr of e rov app I , However blem.” Riney’s solution to the pro —A. G. Bell, Scientist “It’s hard enough trying to allocate millions of dollars to eligible Americans without Riney screwing around with us!”
“We at AT&T despise telemarketers and heartily approve of messing with them !” —Alfred C. Fitzwater, President, Armenian Telescope & Timepieces
le mistake. I may have “I may have made a terrib lly. It may have led dropped this book accidenta pire.” to the fall of the Roman Em cist and Blacksmith —Doctor E. Brown, Physi
—“Brian,” Prince of Nigeria
www.hassleinbooks.com Messing With Telemarketers Copyright © 2015 by Haven Riney. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.